Speaker 1: Hah, I just got a text. The Church of Scientology
Speaker 1: is witnessing for people in the parking lots at the
Speaker 1: grocery stores. They got these jackets that say Scientology Volunteer
Speaker 1: Ministry and they're just walking around talking to people. That's
Speaker 1: what people think of California.
Speaker 2: Yeah, good God, Tosh Show.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Tosh Show, Daniel Tosh Live and in the
Speaker 1: flesh Man. It's good to be back. I'm in a
Speaker 1: great mood. Eddie. How are you? Eddie's not here. Eddie's
Speaker 1: not here. Now, I'm in a better mood, and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna pass those savings onto you, the viewers, the money
Speaker 1: that I would have spent on Eddie being here today. Now,
Speaker 1: where is Eddie? That's a great question. You guys know
Speaker 1: where he is. Yeah, he's in the Florida Keys, Florida Keys.
Speaker 1: He's in Key West doing shows. No better place to
Speaker 1: be when hell and fury has struck down here in
Speaker 1: all of southern California. Well, I should check in on Eddie.
Speaker 1: I should at least make sure Eddie's fine. Let me
Speaker 1: see if Eddie's fine, Let me call Eddie. What do
Speaker 1: you do when you're in Key West? Have sex with men.
Speaker 1: Was that big dog? Oh yeah, you're on the pod, Eddie.
Speaker 1: We're checking in on you. Oh hey, how's it going, everybody?
Speaker 1: How's key West? Key West is great? I just got
Speaker 1: here in death a man like a little bungalow and
Speaker 1: faces of the sunset. So man, this might be this
Speaker 1: place is cool. All right, well're glad you're safe. Stay safe, Eddie,
Speaker 1: all stay safe? Oh wow, buddy, stay safe, stay here
Speaker 1: by Eddie. Couldn't live further away from the fires. Just
Speaker 1: so weird, We're clear. He lives in South Bay. Before
Speaker 1: I get in to the wildfires that have rocked so col. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you ever call it so cal? I never do, never.
Speaker 1: I know. I don't think anyone calls it so cal.
Speaker 1: If I'm writing it down, maybe I would write so
Speaker 1: cal just because it's less and less time. But anyway,
Speaker 1: before I get I gotta talk about a few other things.
Speaker 1: Some of you are probably, hey, Dan, why do you
Speaker 1: still have the beard? Have you been out fighting fires? No? No, no.
Speaker 1: The reason I still have the beard is because I
Speaker 1: was gonna shave it clean up, and my wife's like,
Speaker 1: don't don't shave that. You look way better with it,
Speaker 1: And I was like, whoa No, I don't think that
Speaker 1: our relationship has lost some of the spice. But if
Speaker 1: there's something that's given me an edge, then I'll keep it.
Speaker 1: You tell me, I just got to grow some ball
Speaker 1: hair on my face. That's what it feels like to
Speaker 1: It feels like a fourteen year old's balls or on
Speaker 1: my face. Now, before you take that and run with it, well,
Speaker 1: how do you know what a fourteen year old's ball
Speaker 1: feel like on your face? No? I don't really have
Speaker 1: an answer for that. Last week I told a story
Speaker 1: about how I had a poop in the woods, and
Speaker 1: unfortunately I mentioned or fortunately, depending on who he asked,
Speaker 1: I mentioned the bakery, which was a cakeery that I
Speaker 1: went to first. And I just want to reiterate because
Speaker 1: they immediately texted me like, hey, I hope you weren't
Speaker 1: implying that our place gave you the shits, and I'm like, no, no,
Speaker 1: and I'm sorry that it came across. I was saying.
Speaker 1: I'm lactose intolerant. I eat like a child. That was
Speaker 1: just too much for my ston My stomach can't handle
Speaker 1: you know anything, I could eat celium husk for breakfast.
Speaker 1: I'm still gonna go diarrhea at some point. Yeah, okay, Well, anyway,
Speaker 1: I just wanted them to know my friends with Sugar
Speaker 1: Pine Cakeery that I love them and their food's amazing.
Speaker 1: And don't let one story of me pooping in the
Speaker 1: woods make it sound like I'm not a huge fan. Yeah,
Speaker 1: does not cause diarrhea. You know, your food does not
Speaker 1: cause That's that's just the life I live. That was
Speaker 1: just a horrible coincidence. Anyway, here's the problem when you
Speaker 1: have wildfires in California. The California is so big that
Speaker 1: everybody reaches out to you, Oh my goodness, are you okay?
Speaker 1: Nobody ever understands how big certain areas are. Los Angeles
Speaker 1: isn't a town, It's it's just a throw up of
Speaker 1: of the devil. You know, if you lived in North
Speaker 1: Carolina and a wildfire broke out in Delaware, you wouldn't
Speaker 1: call your friends in North Carolina like, how are you
Speaker 1: guys doing? Are you okay? From the Delaware fires? That's
Speaker 1: nowhere near us? You know. The other thing that was
Speaker 1: I found so terribly annoying during this is all the
Speaker 1: people's again. I'm I'm sure, I'm I'm putting this on them,
Speaker 1: But this sincerity was in question with everyone. Oh everyone's
Speaker 1: so worried. It's weird how everyone's so worried when normally
Speaker 1: everybody just loves to shit on California constantly. But now
Speaker 1: everybody's just heartbroken over what we're going through. I'm like,
Speaker 1: are you are you really heartbroken? You know, when the
Speaker 1: door's closed, no one's around, and you're pounding away on
Speaker 1: your keyboard about how fuck these liberals blah blah blah,
Speaker 1: you're really heartbroken hate us because you ain't us, right,
Speaker 1: that's Joey's you know people you would always say that
Speaker 1: about the Patriots when they were having their run. That's
Speaker 1: just how they are about California. You know, you love
Speaker 1: you love to shit on us because we're the best,
Speaker 1: and we're the best by a mile. Now you could
Speaker 1: argue and say, oh, it's not true. I wouldn't want
Speaker 1: those wild fires. Okay, where do you live? Tornadoville, Hurricaneville.
Speaker 1: Everyone's got something. But you ever have your Apple TV
Speaker 1: on and not watch something, Just just keep it paused
Speaker 1: for a while and then it goes to a screen saver,
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, these beautiful images of
Speaker 1: our planet Earth come up. You want me to tell
Speaker 1: you something. Out of the thirty stock images that they
Speaker 1: have slow motion moving around, fifty percent of them are
Speaker 1: from the state of California. Yeah, you know why, because
Speaker 1: it's beautiful, Because it's the prettiest place in the world.
Speaker 1: Rarely are they panning over some random town in Kentucky.
Speaker 1: There's no shot of the mall just outside of Arkansas.
Speaker 1: Just go through that screensaver, and if you can't find
Speaker 1: your hometown in there, know that there's a reason nobody
Speaker 1: wants to see the Ohio River. Oh it's so beautiful.
Speaker 1: Look at the Ohio River. Everyone checked in. I can't
Speaker 1: believe what you've gone through. Mike. First of all, you
Speaker 1: don't know what we've gone through. And second one, I
Speaker 1: haven't gone through anything. If I haven't said this already,
Speaker 1: I'm good. I'm fine. We filmed an episode last week
Speaker 1: the day that the fires started, and I remember calling
Speaker 1: the guys and I said, hey, you probably want to
Speaker 1: get out here early because the winds are picking up.
Speaker 1: And when the winds pick up, Edison, the power company
Speaker 1: shuts off the electricity to be preventative for wildfires. So
Speaker 1: I was like, get out here early so that we
Speaker 1: can film now we pushed the shoot up. We're shooting. Literally,
Speaker 1: i'd say thirty minutes after we finished shooting the episode,
Speaker 1: boom power went off. And then they drove home. And
Speaker 1: as they were driving home, I'm like, guys, you see
Speaker 1: that that plume coming from the Palisades. And they're like yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: and they drove right by it. They filmed it. They're like,
Speaker 1: it's getting worse and worse, and sure, shit, that was it.
Speaker 1: That was our Tuesday. And I don't, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to get into conspiracies on what started the fire.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't know if it was a climate
Speaker 1: change versus God. I don't know if it was some
Speaker 1: maga arsonist that couldn't figure out that his candidate won
Speaker 1: the election. I was like, well, I still have these
Speaker 1: plans to destroy California. Who whatever it is, whether it
Speaker 1: was a fire that started six days before, hey, maybe
Speaker 1: you blame our tone def governor, who's really listen, he's
Speaker 1: going to fix this, come hell or high water because
Speaker 1: he's got an Olympics to put on. I don't care
Speaker 1: what it was, it happened and now there's destruction. And
Speaker 1: I also want to point out this in twenty eighteen
Speaker 1: the Wosey fires. I was building my current home near completion.
Speaker 1: We had investment property next door that housed all of
Speaker 1: our stuff, and the Wolsey fire came through and it
Speaker 1: burnt my house down, and it burnt down that neighbor's
Speaker 1: house that had all the stuff in it. So I've
Speaker 1: been through it, and my wife was seven months pregnant
Speaker 1: at the time, and it was just the worst thing
Speaker 1: in the world. But the point is I've gone through it.
Speaker 1: It's horrific, and you know, I'm not gonna live in
Speaker 1: a state of depression for the next three to five years.
Speaker 1: When I was fortunate for this particular fire. You know,
Speaker 1: what am I gonna do? How is Malibu and going
Speaker 1: to rebuild? Well, they're going to maybe it. You can't
Speaker 1: see it now, but it's gonna happen. And I hear
Speaker 1: people when they say this. You know, not everybody in
Speaker 1: Malibu is wealthy. Not everybody in the Pacific Palisades is wealthy. No, okay,
Speaker 1: not everybody, most of them, not everybody. And and a
Speaker 1: lot of people are hurting and they've lost, you know, everything,
Speaker 1: that's it's horribly tragic. I certainly know that if it
Speaker 1: were in other areas of Los Angeles, the numbers, you know,
Speaker 1: might be much higher, and the coverage would be much less.
Speaker 1: You don't have as many celebrities living in Altadena as
Speaker 1: you do the Pacific Palace stage, so I feel like
Speaker 1: they're not getting the equal coverage. But we care about
Speaker 1: you just as much. Well maybe not as much as
Speaker 1: Steve Kerr's family home or JJ Reddick's house, but you
Speaker 1: get it. I mean, it's okay. So anyway, it wasn't
Speaker 1: near us, and I'm like, it's the direction of the
Speaker 1: is okay for us. We don't need to leave. And
Speaker 1: I got a I've got a generator at my house.
Speaker 1: It's you know, it hooked up to a main gas line.
Speaker 1: They shut the gas off and they've never done that before.
Speaker 1: And then the internet went out, and I'm like, whoa,
Speaker 1: this is bad. I got now I've got to evacuate. Guy,
Speaker 1: I got a one year old. I can't. I can't
Speaker 1: live like that. I can't entertain a one year old.
Speaker 1: She already knows about technology. You want me to you
Speaker 1: want me to pretend like it's a little house on
Speaker 1: the prairie. M So we had to go. We we
Speaker 1: headed out to Monacito. Oh beautiful. Go to the Rosewood Mahormar,
Speaker 1: most expensive hotel. It won't even it'd make you sick.
Speaker 1: And they were nice enough, and it's funny. Here's what
Speaker 1: I learned during an evacuation. No hotel is allowed to
Speaker 1: turn away animals dogs. That's interesting. Every hotel becomes pet
Speaker 1: friendly during an evacuation. Anyway. This place is pet friendly regardless.
Speaker 1: But everybody that was getting out of their car had
Speaker 1: two or three pets and a mother in law and
Speaker 1: it was just hysterical. And nobody was packed properly. You know.
Speaker 1: They had a hamper filled with random toys, clothes piled up.
Speaker 1: All of the people there, people from Calabasas and Malibu
Speaker 1: and the Palisades, and everybody's just in different states of shock.
Speaker 1: I immediately ran into Chandler Parsons there. He's got tequila, screaming
Speaker 1: fifty to fifty coach if my house is gone. Made
Speaker 1: me laugh. I'm like, good, this is who I want
Speaker 1: to be with right now. I'll tell you what though.
Speaker 1: Evacuation life was good for Chandler. He's golf and every day.
Speaker 1: One day he was with his daughter and she was
Speaker 1: just sobbing crying. I was with my daughter, happy as
Speaker 1: can be, and I say to his daughter, Oh, what
Speaker 1: would holding a bluey make you happier? My daughter has
Speaker 1: a stuffed bluey. She was holding it, and then my
Speaker 1: daughter just without hesitation, just just hands it to his daughter.
Speaker 1: She immediately stops crying. And then and then Chandler just
Speaker 1: leaves and takes it. I mean I asked for it.
Speaker 1: Like the next day, I said, hey, how about that
Speaker 1: stuffed animal back? And you know, He's like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll get that back to you. And that hasn't happened,
Speaker 1: by the way. One day Chandler was this was funny.
Speaker 1: He's like, hey, I'm gonna bet bet the Chargers to
Speaker 1: beat the Texans. I go, don't do it. I can
Speaker 1: show it to you. I had texts. Are they don't.
Speaker 1: He's like, I'm doing it. And then I keep seeing him.
Speaker 1: I'm like, don't do it. He's like, no, no, they're
Speaker 1: gonna They're gonna easily beat them. I'm like, ah, He's like,
Speaker 1: I'm putting thirty k on it. I go, oh, don't. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how'd that work? He he left, He got kicked out
Speaker 1: of the hotel. He was tired of that place. He
Speaker 1: got kicked out. Well, he thought he thought his reservation
Speaker 1: was through that, you know, one day, and it wasn't.
Speaker 1: They're like, you got to move on. There's but guess
Speaker 1: who I guess who replaced him as basketball Royalty entered
Speaker 1: the hotel. Dwayne Wade.
Speaker 2: Oh wow.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I didn't see his wife, which would have been
Speaker 1: a better sighting. But I went up to Dwayne again.
Speaker 1: I was with my daughter and I said, hey, how
Speaker 1: are you Dwayne? What's going on with this Butler situation? No,
Speaker 1: he didn't give me any insight on that. I do
Speaker 1: my normal thing. Hi. I'm comedian Daniel Tosh. I'm a
Speaker 1: fan of the Miami Heat. I have been since day
Speaker 1: one nineteen eighty eight or is it eighty nine? I
Speaker 1: don't fucking remember. Ready for this, yeah, day two after
Speaker 1: the fires, who do I run into? I'm standing in
Speaker 1: the lobby with Carl and I'm holding my daughter waiting
Speaker 1: for a glass of whole milk, which oddly was hard
Speaker 1: to get from time to time. And who comes in with,
Speaker 1: you know, an assistant or somebody Oprah Winfrey? Ooh Royalty. Wow,
Speaker 1: the A list celebrity sighting of all comes walking. What
Speaker 1: does she do? Does she look at my beautiful daughter
Speaker 1: and give her a nod or a smile? Absolutely not
Speaker 1: looks at Carl immediately gets excited, just immediately does a
Speaker 1: look at that dog. That's what she goes, look at
Speaker 1: that dog. Wow. I was like, look at that Carl
Speaker 1: Oprah And he was ungroomed, right, he was horribly ungroomed.
Speaker 2: Oh wow.
Speaker 1: If she would have saw him today, oh man, man,
Speaker 1: she would have been taken back. No, he was looking awful.
Speaker 1: He is had, you know, a little dread appropriating some culture.
Speaker 1: Whenever you're at these nice hotels, they love to tell
Speaker 1: you what celebrities have stayed there. And I'm always like
Speaker 1: not impressed because I'm like, well, of course they've stayed here.
Speaker 1: It's a nice hotel. Where else would they stay? Now?
Speaker 1: I would be more interested in shitty hotels telling me
Speaker 1: what celebrities have stayed there. You know, you're telling me
Speaker 1: at this fair field in Diplo stayed here? All right,
Speaker 1: that's interesting. Why do you think Diplo is there? Huh?
Speaker 1: By the way, no thing I didn't do right by people.
Speaker 1: I've offered up our Tahoe house to anyone that needs
Speaker 1: to get away that we know. I mean even people
Speaker 1: that don't really know if we kind of secondhand know
Speaker 1: them and they need a place, I'm like here, when
Speaker 1: the time is right and you just want to get
Speaker 1: away for a week, a couple of days, whatever, go
Speaker 1: on up, I'll have it opened up for you. But
Speaker 1: then we had a rental house immediately after our hotel stay,
Speaker 1: and you know, we invited everyone, any families that needed
Speaker 1: to come. We had a big house. We only needed
Speaker 1: one room. We crammed in. I put there's two closet
Speaker 1: areas in my room, so one kid got one of them,
Speaker 1: one got the other, and then the rest of the
Speaker 1: bedrooms we just divvied up to other families that needed it.
Speaker 1: Just really, you know, just generous. Poor Ava, my beautiful, old, sweet,
Speaker 1: confused fifteen year old dog. She doesn't do well when
Speaker 1: you bring her anywhere else. She just doesn't understand where
Speaker 1: she is. And when we got to the rental house,
Speaker 1: you know, this lady has showing me around how to
Speaker 1: use stuff. I'm pretending to listen. Here's how you turned
Speaker 1: the jacuzzi on. I can never figure it out. Anyway,
Speaker 1: she leaves. I happened to be walking outside and I
Speaker 1: watched Ava quickly just walk right into the pool. And
Speaker 1: then when she walked into the pool, she didn't even
Speaker 1: attempt to swim, didn't kick her legs, just started sinking
Speaker 1: to the bottom. Swear just started sinking straight to I
Speaker 1: reach my arm and I grab her by an ear
Speaker 1: and slowly pull her up and get her out, dryer off,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, day, honey, let's not kill yourself right now, Jesus.
Speaker 1: But I had it, you know, because of all the
Speaker 1: travel and not being groomed, she got madded and I've
Speaker 1: had to shave her down. Oh my goodness, still cute
Speaker 1: and she's doing good. Everybody says, no, no, she's got
Speaker 1: She's still got life in her. She's still enjoying things.
Speaker 1: You know. Remember when our vet friend was on and
Speaker 1: he said, you come up with a list of ten
Speaker 1: things that they like, and when they stopped doing five
Speaker 1: of them start having the conversation. Huh, she has stopped
Speaker 1: all ten. She eats and poops. That's the only time
Speaker 1: I can ever tell if she's got any joy left
Speaker 1: in her. But every now and then there's just some life.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know what to do with her.
Speaker 1: Matt love her though. By the way, my wife's birthday
Speaker 1: is this coming weekend, and I've already reserved a hotel
Speaker 1: for us up in Montecito, and we're gonna go. I
Speaker 1: have to act like it's like, no, no, it's not.
Speaker 1: It's different. It's your birthday. We're gonna celebrate. We didn't
Speaker 1: just do this, No, I just I'm just gonna pretend
Speaker 1: that we haven't just been in a hotel, in a
Speaker 1: rental house and in Tahoe, like we've been at our
Speaker 1: house for two days this year. Twenty twenty five. Guys
Speaker 1: man starting off strong. Oh yeah, oh brother, speaking of
Speaker 1: wildfires and how long it takes to rebuild. You remember
Speaker 1: when Australia had those horrible wildfires. Oh yeah. I was
Speaker 1: working there right after those fires in twenty nineteen. It
Speaker 1: was right before the pandemic, and I remember people going, oh,
Speaker 1: I can't believe you're going, like the wildfires are two
Speaker 1: out of control. You should cancel. And I didn't. I went,
Speaker 1: and then I felt guilty because of the wildfires, and I,
Speaker 1: you know, donated all the money that I made to help,
Speaker 1: you know, rebuild. And now it's been four or so
Speaker 1: years and I haven't checked in, but I was watching
Speaker 1: the Australian open this week, and I'm like, nobody even
Speaker 1: mentions it. Things look normal, things look good. I mean,
Speaker 1: I could be completely wrong, but the point is, and
Speaker 1: in four years things will be good or better. I hope.
Speaker 1: I can't even imagine how strong the economy is going
Speaker 1: to be when this new administration fixes everything. You'll be
Speaker 1: sitting on a fortune. Come out ahead. Yeah, you're gonna
Speaker 1: be coming out of head. Let me tell you something
Speaker 1: else about uh Australia. When I was there. You want
Speaker 1: to know how bad those fires were. It rained while
Speaker 1: we were in Melbourne, and the fires were so bad
Speaker 1: that there was like dust, dirt, ash in the air
Speaker 1: that the rain was coming down. I shit, you not
Speaker 1: like mud. It was redish, reddish like I remember my
Speaker 1: wife's shoes were immediately ruined from walking outside in the rain.
Speaker 1: You couldn't wrap your head around that. And I just think, well,
Speaker 1: that's worse if it was if it was raining blood
Speaker 1: here in LA Right now, I can imagine the news coverage.
Speaker 1: Here's here's a little bit of my hostility towards the coverage.
Speaker 1: I understand some of it's informative, but a lot of
Speaker 1: it is just the world we live. In now where
Speaker 1: everybody just like, look at the suffering, Look what they're
Speaker 1: going through. And I'm just somebody. When my house burnt
Speaker 1: down and I came back, I would have appreciated more
Speaker 1: stories of like, look at this, this place made it.
Speaker 1: This place made it. When they say that five thousand
Speaker 1: structures are damaged, that doesn't necessarily mean five thousand homes.
Speaker 1: You know that doesn't It's not one for one. And
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know how many homes survived in
Speaker 1: the Pacific Palisades, but I know homes did. The person
Speaker 1: that built my home twice, he bought me a little
Speaker 1: Honda pool drainer pump to fight fires. I got two
Speaker 1: hundred feet of two inch hose and I drop a
Speaker 1: line into my pool and I can, you know, stop
Speaker 1: any spotfires that come. And that's another thing that happens.
Speaker 1: When they tell you to evacuate, and and some people
Speaker 1: refuse to evacuate, you're like, oh, but then they have
Speaker 1: to save you. Yes, you should listen to evacuations, but
Speaker 1: certain people that are capable of helping you can't convince
Speaker 1: me that it's not beneficial. For instance, the guy that
Speaker 1: built my house lives in the Palisades, and sure shit,
Speaker 1: he had to evacuate, and then he's snuck back in
Speaker 1: on foot around police, got up back to his house,
Speaker 1: saw that his neighbor's house was on fire, put his
Speaker 1: pump in his pool, got their house out, drained his
Speaker 1: entire pool, went to his neighbor's house, drained their pool,
Speaker 1: just soaking everything. Went to the next house, drained their pool,
Speaker 1: soaking the next two houses. Saved four or five houses
Speaker 1: right there on a Palisades road. You know, by himself,
Speaker 1: I'm just letting you know, not every not everything is gone.
Speaker 1: People are like, oh the whole the whole town. No,
Speaker 1: there's some places that are okay. Not every place is
Speaker 1: completely derit. And some of the places that are that
Speaker 1: are damaged. Not the whole thing is damaged. And let
Speaker 1: me tell you something. Building in California is a nightmare.
Speaker 1: And guess what now, Oh, they're going to have to
Speaker 1: be more lenient and they're gonna have to like expedite
Speaker 1: all of these permits. And that's a good thing. People
Speaker 1: will you know, they won't have to It's not gonna
Speaker 1: be the process that it is normally when you try
Speaker 1: to build and everybody's got answers I talk to people.
Speaker 1: I listen. You know, we're getting this entire system put
Speaker 1: in our home that changes the humidity by over fifty
Speaker 1: percent and fires will just go around it. I'm like,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm gonna buy a different house. Or what
Speaker 1: do you think of these people that hire private firefighters?
Speaker 1: I'm jealous. If I could bribe a truck to just
Speaker 1: park it out in front of my place when a
Speaker 1: fire was coming, I think that'd be great. Am I
Speaker 1: going to look into what it costs to get a
Speaker 1: private firefighter? Now? No, I'm not. You know, I kept
Speaker 1: checking into my house because if you watch the news,
Speaker 1: the looters. The looters are everywhere. Okay, you know who
Speaker 1: buys into that stuff. Remember my AV guy John that
Speaker 1: I interviewed on the show, Uh huh. Sure enough. He
Speaker 1: was checking into my house constantly, and he's like, I
Speaker 1: got a gun on me. I'm like, what that maniacs
Speaker 1: walking over the gun. I'm like, if you shoot Roofina,
Speaker 1: wonder what kind of gun he has. Lord knows he
Speaker 1: shouldn't have a gun. I just I just know that
Speaker 1: if there's a criminal with the gun and my AV
Speaker 1: guy with the gun, I'm putting all my money on
Speaker 1: the criminal. Although if I came to my house and
Speaker 1: he was just like shot in the leg or something
Speaker 1: like that, I would probably think that's the greatest thing
Speaker 1: has ever happened. I bet that feeled juvenating. Oh that
Speaker 1: would be juvenating. You bet that's John juvenating. And then
Speaker 1: you hear, oh my goodness, we are using prisoners to
Speaker 1: fight the fire. And I'm like, they're the ones fighting
Speaker 1: the fire. We gotta use everybody. What are they in
Speaker 1: jail for violent sex crimes? No, apparently none of the
Speaker 1: crimes are violent. They any crime there, they couldn't It
Speaker 1: couldn't be a violent crime that they were in for
Speaker 1: that released them to fight fires. Well, I'll take them
Speaker 1: at their word. You know, thank everyone for doing their work.
Speaker 1: I filmed just just around the corner from my house,
Speaker 1: just the hundreds and hundreds of fire trucks that are
Speaker 1: set up and where they're sleeping and go in the
Speaker 1: bathroom every day, and you're like, oh man, this is
Speaker 1: this isn't what I thought they signed up for. You know,
Speaker 1: when you think of a firefighter when you're a kid,
Speaker 1: You're like, look at this truck and they and they're
Speaker 1: they're in there just making chili posing in their underwear
Speaker 1: for sexy calendars. Sure, and then you find out, no, no,
Speaker 1: you gotta you gotta breathe awful fucking air for days
Speaker 1: and days and pooping these awful little toilets. Guys. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I'm just so happy to be here and wanted to
Speaker 1: let you know that I'm doing great. My neighborhood is good.
Speaker 1: All of us that work on this show are fine
Speaker 1: and safe and haven't lost anything. So we're very fortunate
Speaker 1: and will help those that we can help. Okay, so
Speaker 1: stop being a little bitches, Casha. Well, Carl, how have
Speaker 1: you enjoyed evacuation life? Do you like meet Oprah? Well,
Speaker 1: he doesn't get impressed by celebrities. I love it, but
Speaker 1: he he acts like it's like, whatever, your hair looks great?
Speaker 1: What else we plug our our stand up? I got
Speaker 1: a new tour gonna be through the Midwest. Carl. We're
Speaker 1: going to the Midwest. We're gonna be in Minneapolis, We're
Speaker 1: gonna be in Omaha, be in Kansas City. None of
Speaker 1: these interest you? What about Madison, Wisconsin? What about Milwaukee?
Speaker 1: What about shy Town? You fall asleep for real? All right,
Speaker 1: Eddie's gonna be with us. You know what, I think
Speaker 1: every city we should audition them to be our new
Speaker 1: home in case California burns completely. Fact, if I had
Speaker 1: to pick one of those cities to live in, it
Speaker 1: would be Minneapolis. You know, I love it. I've always
Speaker 1: loved it. I have good memories there as a young comedian.
Speaker 1: All right, time for the free plug hit the free
Speaker 1: plug music. I don't think you should have played music
Speaker 1: that was gonna put Carl to sleep deeper somber. All right,
Speaker 1: our free plug it should be, you know, our free
Speaker 1: plug should be. It should be the Red Cross. If
Speaker 1: you want to donate to help for the wildfire victims
Speaker 1: of the Pacific Palisades and any other areas that were
Speaker 1: affected Southern California, all of southern California. Let's not just
Speaker 1: just pick the Palisades because they're closer to us. But
Speaker 1: that's not our free plug, our real free plug. It's
Speaker 1: Girl Scout Cookie time, guys. Yep, that's right, this week's
Speaker 1: free plug Girl Scout Cookies. They're not a sponsor, nor
Speaker 1: should they be. This is about getting guilt tripped into
Speaker 1: buying four boxes? How many boxes did you guys? Buy?
Speaker 1: When they when you when you're forced to always four.
Speaker 1: It's always four. I do two boxes of thin mints,
Speaker 1: and then you have to put them in the freezer.
Speaker 1: They taste it. First of all, these cookies don't taste good.
Speaker 1: None of them are good. They're all fine. Oh my
Speaker 1: favorite is samoas, okay, because that's the one that tastes
Speaker 1: the most like candy, the least like a cookie. Are
Speaker 1: you even allowed to say samoas anymore? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm sure, I'm sure under this current administration you have
Speaker 1: to say it exactly. I like the trey foils. Is
Speaker 1: that how you pronounce it? I don't even know. That's
Speaker 1: just the shortbred ones what. They're all garbage? But they help.
Speaker 1: We should we should do it, we should buy them.
Speaker 1: But you know what, I don't like them. They used
Speaker 1: to go door to door and now it's like they
Speaker 1: set up outside of a grocery store. They come to
Speaker 1: your office and they just hit everybody. They're barely doing
Speaker 1: any of the legwork anymore. Remember Bill, Bill used to
Speaker 1: at tosh Point. Oh, this guy used to come in
Speaker 1: his daughter and he would just she wouldn't even come in.
Speaker 1: He just would pass the paper around. We'd all have
Speaker 1: to sign it or we were shamed, and then the
Speaker 1: cookies would come and she wouldn't even come. He would
Speaker 1: just here's your cookies. Sometimes he wouldn't even bring the cookies.
Speaker 1: He'd forget. He's like, oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
Speaker 1: You guys ordered a bunch, didn't you do? You have
Speaker 1: to pay when you receive the cookies, think, I mean nowadays,
Speaker 1: nowadays you just go they're at the grocery store and
Speaker 1: you outside and they've got the boxes. You buy it,
Speaker 1: you get the cookies, so that's it. You know. Back
Speaker 1: in my day, you know, a little girl knocked on
Speaker 1: your door, you know, you'd get so excited, like, who's
Speaker 1: this little smoke show? But I was a childhood too.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about when I was like fifteen years old,
Speaker 1: and then I'm like, hey, what's up? You know, I mean,
Speaker 1: you tell her how you were kicked out of the
Speaker 1: boy Scouts for eating brownies. It was always a fun
Speaker 1: time anyway. You know. You would just fill out the
Speaker 1: paperwork and then you know, two seasons would go by
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, one day cookies would
Speaker 1: show up. Yeah, yeah they're all shit cookies, let's be clear. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they they always try to take cookies off the roster
Speaker 1: and add new ones, but none of them work. The
Speaker 1: money raised, though, goes to local councils, financial aid for
Speaker 1: those who can't afford it, troops, what else? I don't
Speaker 1: understand what it goes to. Basically just goes to Girl Scouts. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and baking and distribution, all right, Caramel chocolate chip, that's
Speaker 1: the flavorite flavor. Caramel delights. Those are the samoas, Peanut
Speaker 1: butter sandwich dosy does Girl Scouts s'mores. Those are gonna
Speaker 1: be discontinued after this year. Lemonades, don't know what that is?
Speaker 1: Lemon ups what peanut butter patties or tagalons, thin mince
Speaker 1: toasty a those are gone after this year. So and
Speaker 1: toffee tastic. Okay, Girl Scouts get it together. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Am I gonna let my daughter be a Girl Scout?
Speaker 1: You better believe it. Okay, she's an American and that's
Speaker 1: the American way. We'll see you next week, hopefully,