WEBVTT - What YOU Need As a Caregiver with Yvette Nicole Brown 0:00:01.600 --> 0:00:04.800 You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. 0:00:08.480 --> 0:00:11.160 Welcome back to I Choose Me, the podcast about the 0:00:11.240 --> 0:00:14.160 choices we make, and you know what, many of us 0:00:14.320 --> 0:00:19.320 are in the Sandwich generation, facing those tough choices with 0:00:20.320 --> 0:00:24.360 and for our aging parents. My guest, I Vet Nicole Brown, 0:00:24.480 --> 0:00:28.000 has made it her mission to support caregivers. In this 0:00:28.240 --> 0:00:32.879 bonus episode, she shares encouragement and practical tips for me 0:00:33.400 --> 0:00:37.080 and for you. Here's more of our conversation. So, Nicole, 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:39.880 I wanted to talk to you a little bit more 0:00:40.240 --> 0:00:41.680 about something that I know. 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:45.000 Oh my god, Sorry, people do it all the time. 0:00:45.120 --> 0:00:46.879 Let's leave this in because I. 0:00:46.920 --> 0:00:49.839 Made your nickname is Vet Nicole. 0:00:49.800 --> 0:00:51.680 Right, But no, now I need to point this out. 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:55.800 Leave this in because I get called Nicole all the time, 0:00:56.160 --> 0:00:58.880 and I really want to talk to a linguist or 0:00:58.920 --> 0:01:02.480 someone that understands words or names, because I think it's 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:04.560 because Yvett is not a strong I think Nicole is 0:01:04.600 --> 0:01:05.240 a stronger name. 0:01:05.400 --> 0:01:07.640 It comes out first, like it's more naturally. 0:01:07.680 --> 0:01:09.720 Come. Yeah, they hear Vet Nicole bron I'll go, what's 0:01:09.720 --> 0:01:11.200 your name is Vetnicole Brown? They go hind and Cole. 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:14.360 I'm like, okay, So it's interesting. I think Yvett just 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:19.080 doesn't have the punch that Nicole has. And I'm telling you, cousins, 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:20.919 relatives of mine have called me Nicole. 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:24.280 It's easy to do if you have a double name exactly. 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:25.560 So I want to make sure. I want you to 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:27.080 leave it in because I do want someone to tell 0:01:27.120 --> 0:01:31.039 me why it happens if anybody knows help my name. 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:33.280 So it's not you know, it's hard for me. 0:01:33.520 --> 0:01:35.000 Honestly, I have to think that. 0:01:35.520 --> 0:01:38.840 Yeah, let me ask you this. Do you think it's 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:40.560 also because of Nicole Brown Simpson? 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:44.440 Sure? Yeah, right, So you hear Vet Nicole. 0:01:44.200 --> 0:01:46.960 Brown and you think Brown Simpson, and you say Nicole. 0:01:47.120 --> 0:01:49.800 I didn't go to Simpson. I went to Nicole Brown. 0:01:50.040 --> 0:01:52.240 Yeah. I have theories. I have theories about it, but yeah, 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:52.560 go ahead. 0:01:52.600 --> 0:01:55.600 So what you want to say. 0:01:56.240 --> 0:01:59.080 I just want to talk about caregiving because caregiving is 0:01:59.160 --> 0:02:02.360 something that all of us are most likely going to 0:02:02.440 --> 0:02:04.560 have to look at at some point in our lives, 0:02:04.880 --> 0:02:06.840 you know, I mean it can feel really like the 0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:12.560 opposite of choosing yourself when this comes down your driveway. Yeah, 0:02:12.600 --> 0:02:15.440 and there are so many like pamphlets and books and 0:02:15.840 --> 0:02:19.240 discussions about how to be a good parent, But what 0:02:19.360 --> 0:02:21.639 about how to be a parent to your parent? 0:02:21.960 --> 0:02:22.480 Basically? 0:02:22.840 --> 0:02:23.320 How about that? 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:24.560 But who knew that was coming. 0:02:25.240 --> 0:02:29.200 I always joke that there's no book on caregiving, but 0:02:29.240 --> 0:02:30.960 I realized that there probably are, we just don't have 0:02:31.000 --> 0:02:37.840 time to read it. So it's it's caregiving is I 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:41.040 always say it's the best tough thing I've ever done, 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:44.840 or the toughest best thing I've ever done, and it is. 0:02:45.560 --> 0:02:48.040 It seems like it's not, and I choose me moment, 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:50.240 but I realize that it is because in choosing a 0:02:50.280 --> 0:02:55.680 care for my dad, it was me planning a flag 0:02:56.840 --> 0:03:00.200 in the space of knowing that I am a loving, 0:03:00.919 --> 0:03:04.919 sacrificially loving person. It confirmed to me that it wasn't 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:07.920 just talk that if Robert meets the road, I am 0:03:07.960 --> 0:03:09.480 going to show up for the people that made me. 0:03:09.520 --> 0:03:13.120 And that was a wonderful thing to realize one hundred 0:03:13.120 --> 0:03:16.320 percent about myself. And the reason I talk about it 0:03:16.400 --> 0:03:19.280 so much is I want other people to know that 0:03:19.320 --> 0:03:22.160 I'm not special, I'm not a hero. There's nothing magical 0:03:22.200 --> 0:03:25.680 about me. This is something that everyone can do. Caregiving 0:03:25.720 --> 0:03:28.960 is something that before we leave here, everyone will either 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:33.000 be a caregiver or a caregiving that's statistics. At some point, 0:03:33.040 --> 0:03:35.440 you will care for another person or someone will care 0:03:35.480 --> 0:03:37.480 for you. Now, for some people, that's being a parent 0:03:37.920 --> 0:03:40.640 your kids. They don't call parents caregivers, but that's what 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:44.400 you're doing. And caregiving is just love. It's just extending 0:03:44.480 --> 0:03:47.840 love to someone other than yourself, and so we all 0:03:47.880 --> 0:03:51.560 do that. Caregiving could be sending your aunt Instacart groceries 0:03:51.840 --> 0:03:54.880 across a couple of states. It could be giving your land, 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:57.839 your neighbor, or a ride to the hospital and back 0:03:57.880 --> 0:04:00.960 when they have to have a procedure. That is caregiving. 0:04:01.000 --> 0:04:03.360 It's just loving another person, and we all are equipped 0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:06.080 to do it. I tried to with Squeezed and with 0:04:06.120 --> 0:04:08.560 everything else I do in the caregiving space, I tried 0:04:08.600 --> 0:04:09.440 to demystify it. 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:11.080 I talked about Squeezed. 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:15.320 You have a podcast that talks specifically about caregiving. 0:04:15.480 --> 0:04:18.680 Yes, so Squeezed. We're in our second year with Lemonata Media, 0:04:18.720 --> 0:04:22.400 which I'm really happy to be working with them. It's 0:04:22.440 --> 0:04:26.240 a podcast about caregiving from every area, from people that 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:29.000 care for their parents, willingly, from people who care for 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:31.560 family members that they don't have a relationship with. We 0:04:31.640 --> 0:04:35.720 talked to the Secretary of Health and Human services last 0:04:35.800 --> 0:04:39.479 year Javier Basera, which was great. We talked to a 0:04:39.520 --> 0:04:42.719 death doula, so we talked about caregiving and what happens 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:45.279 when the person that you're caring for or another loved 0:04:45.279 --> 0:04:47.279 one passes away. How do you deal with that. We've 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:50.200 talked to teachers, We've talked to parents. We talked to 0:04:50.240 --> 0:04:54.239 Seth and Laura Miller Rogan this year about Hilarity for Charity, 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:58.200 this amazing organization they have that helps in the Alzheimer's space. 0:04:59.000 --> 0:05:01.640 So we've talked to I don't know how many people, 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:04.400 and we've hit it from every direction. And the goal 0:05:04.480 --> 0:05:08.040 of Squeezed is for the caregivers who are in the 0:05:08.120 --> 0:05:11.640 journey to have a friend and a respite in the midst. 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:14.640 It's the kind of podcast you can turn on while 0:05:14.680 --> 0:05:16.600 you're sitting with the person you care for, while you're 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:18.960 making dinner for the person that you're caring for, or 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:20.920 while you're in the car riding back from a procedure 0:05:20.960 --> 0:05:23.840 with someone that you're caring for. It's just a friend 0:05:24.600 --> 0:05:26.800 talking about their life. And the other great thing about 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:29.880 it is it's a docu podcast, so just like a 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:33.159 documentary shows people moving and doing their life as they're 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:35.560 talking about their life. When you listen to Squeeze, you 0:05:35.600 --> 0:05:38.680 hear their life. We send a team to their house 0:05:38.760 --> 0:05:41.039 or to their job, and you hear their kids playing 0:05:41.040 --> 0:05:43.080 in the background, or you hear them having a conversation 0:05:43.160 --> 0:05:46.040 with their parent who has Alzheimer's, and then I then 0:05:46.120 --> 0:05:48.400 talk to them about the experience of that life. 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:49.320 That's great. 0:05:49.440 --> 0:05:51.800 Yeah, I love that idea. Yeah, I think it's really. 0:05:51.920 --> 0:05:54.560 Meeting them where they are. Yes. Yes, so many people 0:05:54.600 --> 0:05:56.440 are dealing with what would you say to somebody who's 0:05:57.000 --> 0:06:01.039 just starting this journey like they've just my Like I'm 0:06:01.080 --> 0:06:01.679 in the boat. 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:04.120 My mom has. 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:08.640 Been living with my sister and that has reached a 0:06:08.680 --> 0:06:11.880 point where it's probably no longer better good for either 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:15.440 of them, and it's time for someone else. And that 0:06:15.520 --> 0:06:17.120 someone else is going to end up being me and 0:06:17.160 --> 0:06:21.000 my family to step up and take care of my mom. 0:06:21.040 --> 0:06:23.120 And in order to do that, I'm probably going to 0:06:23.200 --> 0:06:25.960 have to move her to where I live, where I work, 0:06:27.040 --> 0:06:29.719 and that's going to be really upsetting to her and 0:06:29.760 --> 0:06:30.840 she's not going to want to do it. 0:06:31.000 --> 0:06:33.159 Let me ask you this, she does she have Alzheimer's 0:06:33.200 --> 0:06:33.800 or is she dementia? 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:35.320 What is her If you can come here. 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:39.560 Early onset a lot of confusion. 0:06:39.720 --> 0:06:42.080 Okay, yeah, so now is the time. This is when 0:06:42.120 --> 0:06:43.520 it rubber meets the world. The first thing you have 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:45.839 to do is get a durable power of attorney and 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:48.279 a medical You need to be a medical it's essentially 0:06:48.279 --> 0:06:50.560 a medical advocate, but you need to have the proxy 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:52.839 to be able to make medical decisions for her. It 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:55.599 is important for you to get these two things now 0:06:56.080 --> 0:06:59.080 because once she is fully down the dementia road, she 0:06:59.080 --> 0:07:01.520 won't be able to sign things. So you need to 0:07:01.600 --> 0:07:03.560 drab something and you explain to her and say, Mom, 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:06.640 this is only in place should something happen to you. 0:07:07.000 --> 0:07:08.880 If there's ever a place where, a time where you 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:11.760 can no longer make these decisions, I will be able 0:07:11.760 --> 0:07:13.480 to make them for you. And it doesn't have to 0:07:13.520 --> 0:07:15.040 be just you. It could be you and your sister 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:17.520 on the form. But you have to get a durable 0:07:17.520 --> 0:07:19.880 power of attorney sooner than later. That's first. 0:07:20.080 --> 0:07:22.680 What if you're met with resistance. I mean I'm not, 0:07:22.840 --> 0:07:25.080 but what if someone out there listening is like, they 0:07:25.080 --> 0:07:26.560 won't sign it, they don't want to talk about it, 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:26.960 they won't deal. 0:07:27.040 --> 0:07:28.920 You have to make it very clear and you have 0:07:28.960 --> 0:07:31.160 to There's a lot of ways to do it. You 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:33.240 could put on a movie with someone dealing with the 0:07:33.280 --> 0:07:36.720 health issue, and as they're making a tough decision, you 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:40.280 can say, gosh, mom, that's really horrible what Janey has 0:07:40.280 --> 0:07:42.280 to go through in the movie. How would you handle it? 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:44.520 And then here I firs say well, I make sure 0:07:44.560 --> 0:07:46.360 that they sign it and go okay. Well, then you 0:07:46.440 --> 0:07:48.640 understand that it's important. And you could even say this 0:07:48.680 --> 0:07:51.280 to her, mom, I want you to sign one for me, 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:55.000 and I'll sign one for you. So we'll do dual 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:59.200 things so that if something happens to me, I can 0:07:59.320 --> 0:08:01.200 you can step in for me, and if something happens 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:03.240 for you, I can step in for you. This is 0:08:03.240 --> 0:08:05.560 something we're doing as a family to make sure everybody 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:07.720 can take care of each other. The other thing you 0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:10.800 need to do is you need to make sure that 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:14.120 you're on at least one bank account with them, because 0:08:14.160 --> 0:08:17.200 if something happens in the dementia space Alzheimer's space and 0:08:17.240 --> 0:08:19.120 you need to write checks for them, or you need 0:08:19.120 --> 0:08:21.520 to deposit checks for them, you need to be on 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:25.160 the account to be able to do that. So those 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:29.240 are my three things. The health proxy, durable power of 0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:31.840 attorney and make sure you're on at least one bank 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:34.560 account with them so that you can. 0:08:34.559 --> 0:08:37.320 Take in our situation, my sister is going to handle that, 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:40.240 the financial part of it because that's not my area. 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:46.000 That's okase and yes, yes, know your strengths for sure, 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:48.760 and it's just for us. It's going to be a 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:52.880 matter of like getting her to move from her little 0:08:52.960 --> 0:08:59.439 house into my crazy house, little crazy house and feel 0:08:59.440 --> 0:09:04.160 comfortable and you know, sort of redefining her moving forward life. 0:09:04.240 --> 0:09:06.360 You know, it is going to be, like I said, 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:08.480 the best tough thing, the toughest best thing is going 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:11.560 to be very hard. I'm not gonna lie, but there 0:09:11.600 --> 0:09:13.679 are going to be moments that are so rewarding. And 0:09:13.720 --> 0:09:16.040 what you need to remember is that everything that you 0:09:16.080 --> 0:09:19.520 are going to be doing for her, she did for you. 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:21.040 You know, I say about my dad all the time. 0:09:21.040 --> 0:09:23.360 He taught me how to use a spoon, so it 0:09:23.440 --> 0:09:25.520 is my pleasure to use that spoon to feed him. 0:09:25.559 --> 0:09:26.120 There, m. 0:09:30.080 --> 0:09:33.400 Halloween is around the corner, and your favorite podcasters serving 0:09:33.480 --> 0:09:37.120 up episodes that are so good it's actually scary. Sex 0:09:37.160 --> 0:09:39.880 and the City meet Severance when Adam Scott joins Kristin 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:43.600 Davis to discuss the haunting relationship between Big and Natasha 0:09:43.600 --> 0:09:46.400 on Are You a Charlotte? And nine one one What's 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:49.040 Your Emergency? The new episode of Call It What It Is? 0:09:49.120 --> 0:09:51.480 Of course nine to one to one Nashville co star 0:09:51.600 --> 0:09:55.920 Kimberly Williams. Paisley joins Jessica Capshaw and Camilla Luddington to 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:59.200 talk about her health scare, her superstar hubby Brad Paisley, 0:09:59.480 --> 0:10:01.440 and her memories on the set of Father of the 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:05.320 Bride with the legendary Diane Keaton. Oscar winner Ree Larsen 0:10:05.440 --> 0:10:08.240 is a work in progress. Sophia Bush finds out why, 0:10:08.360 --> 0:10:11.680 and Walt's right over to Danielle with because Danielle Fischel 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:14.400 has fellow Dancing with the Stars contestant Dylan Effron on 0:10:14.720 --> 0:10:17.680 to talk about the ballroom, the leaderboard and more. Listen 0:10:17.720 --> 0:10:20.880 now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:21.840 get your podcast. 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:31.640 I know in the beginning you had him with you, 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:34.040 you were full time taking care of you and a 0:10:34.080 --> 0:10:35.320 half years. 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:36.440 Eleven and a half years. 0:10:37.840 --> 0:10:42.119 How did you deal with the grind and the frustration 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:45.240 and just the exhaustion. 0:10:46.000 --> 0:10:49.480 It's a lot. I thankfully for the first I would 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:53.920 say seven or eight of those years, my mom was 0:10:53.920 --> 0:10:56.920 still here. And my mom was great, and she was 0:10:56.960 --> 0:10:58.720 so happy to get to be with her first love, 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:00.719 and you know, she was so happy to help me 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:03.160 with him. So that made if I had to travel 0:11:03.200 --> 0:11:05.319 out of town for work or whatever, that made it 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:07.080 easy because she would just move into my house and 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:09.319 care for my dad. He got harder once she passed, 0:11:09.360 --> 0:11:12.280 of course, because then it was fully on me all 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:15.040 the time. And that's when I got a social worker 0:11:15.320 --> 0:11:19.240 and got caregivers and started to bring people into the 0:11:19.280 --> 0:11:21.000 house to be with him when I couldn't be with him. 0:11:21.320 --> 0:11:23.600 And then he had the fall a year ago and 0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:27.000 no longer walks, and then that where that was where 0:11:27.000 --> 0:11:29.439 I had to decide, either I'm going to completely leave acting, 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:34.400 get certified as a nurse or a caregiver and learn 0:11:34.440 --> 0:11:37.040 how to use all the equipment and how to do 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:42.280 all the things, and a social worker. My social worker 0:11:42.320 --> 0:11:45.840 was a girl like, that's beautiful, but you're really doing 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:48.200 the most because you're able to take care of your 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:51.520 dad primarily because you work. And if you stop working, 0:11:52.280 --> 0:11:55.000 who's going to pay for all the things that he needs. 0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:57.160 You have to work, so we have to now find 0:11:57.600 --> 0:11:59.240 someone that will care for your dad at the level 0:11:59.240 --> 0:12:01.040 you would care for your dad, and they exist. So 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:04.320 let's just use that energy. Instead of going to school 0:12:05.240 --> 0:12:08.079 to learn how to do a lift and change diapers 0:12:08.080 --> 0:12:10.760 and all those things, how about we just find someone 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:12.400 that already knows how to do it, and you can 0:12:12.480 --> 0:12:14.880 just lovingly be his daughter in this season of his 0:12:14.960 --> 0:12:16.560 care And so. 0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:20.040 Hard, Oh oh, it's so hard. It's still hard. 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:21.960 You know, the hardest thing for me now, and this 0:12:22.080 --> 0:12:26.240 is selfishness, is that his connection with Lala, his caregiver, 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:29.560 is the strongest connection in his life because she sees 0:12:29.640 --> 0:12:31.760 him twenty four hours a day, and so I have 0:12:31.840 --> 0:12:34.920 to be okay with him deferring to La La when 0:12:34.960 --> 0:12:37.240 I'm there in the same way he used to cling 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:39.160 to me. He now clings to La La. But I 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:41.000 want him to cling to La La because she's this 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:43.880 person twenty four hours a day. So I had to 0:12:43.960 --> 0:12:46.480 just be like, girl, you better be okay with daddy 0:12:46.600 --> 0:12:49.920 being okay with somebody else. And that was the journey 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:51.800 because I wanted to still be his everything. 0:12:52.320 --> 0:12:54.600 How did you said you found a social worker? Yeah, 0:12:54.800 --> 0:12:56.000 how do you find a social worker? 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:59.280 There's so many different ways now I am very involved 0:12:59.280 --> 0:13:02.920 with Motion Picture Television Fund, which is our entertainment industry, 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:04.920 one of our biggest safety nets, if not the biggest 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:07.760 safety net. We have guilths right in our field, and 0:13:07.800 --> 0:13:10.319 so they have a great arm with social workers and 0:13:10.400 --> 0:13:14.920 even memory care centers and the campus up there is amazing. 0:13:15.280 --> 0:13:18.880 So through them I found my social worker, and my 0:13:18.960 --> 0:13:22.160 social worker connected me with a palliative care team and 0:13:22.679 --> 0:13:25.360 hospice team and all the things, and then they also 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:29.520 connected me with agencies that help you find caregivers. Now 0:13:29.720 --> 0:13:31.880 there's a place called a Place for a Place for Mom. 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.400 That's amazing. They help you in the same way. Lisa 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:37.280 Gibbons has done amazing things in the caregiving space. She's great. 0:13:37.360 --> 0:13:39.959 There's an organization called Carrying Across Generations which is led 0:13:40.000 --> 0:13:43.679 by a wonderful woman named Igen who that's also another resource. 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:47.400 There's also a week Care Out Loud that's another caregiving arm. 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:50.120 The Creative Coalition i also work with. They have a 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.480 caregiving coalition. So there are so many Now I feel 0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:57.120 like the caregiving space is being blown wide open because 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:00.000 more people are talking about it, and it's more more 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:02.280 people are aware that it's coming for you and The 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:04.920 other thing about Squeezed, the podcast I do, is that 0:14:05.240 --> 0:14:06.959 it talks about the people that are in the middle. 0:14:07.200 --> 0:14:09.440 They're taking care of a parent and raising kids, they're 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:11.640 taking care of their aunt and taking care of their dad. 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:15.280 Like they're squeezed in between caring for two different. 0:14:15.120 --> 0:14:17.680 Or even you, you have your dad and you have 0:14:17.800 --> 0:14:20.960 this new man, this relationship that's squeezed. 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:23.000 Important to you. You're squeezed and squeezed. 0:14:23.160 --> 0:14:25.640 Yeah, to see how easy, I didn't include myself. That's 0:14:25.640 --> 0:14:29.080 what caregivers do. They don't include themselves in the work 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:32.120 that they're doing. And you know, caregivers aren't compensated, especially 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:34.720 if you're a home caregiver. There's no paycheck for twenty 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:37.360 four hours a day taking care of your kids or 0:14:37.360 --> 0:14:40.320 your father or your So there's a lot of stuff 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:43.280 that could be helped federally too, to make this an 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:45.640 easier road for all of us, since it's something that 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:48.440 all of us will do, will be a caregiver or 0:14:48.440 --> 0:14:50.040 a caregivy. That's the way it goes. 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:50.560 Yep. 0:14:51.800 --> 0:14:54.880 Have you seen like common first mistakes mistakes of people 0:14:54.880 --> 0:14:56.480 that are just getting into it. 0:14:57.040 --> 0:15:01.280 I think the fear of bringing the loved one in 0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:03.680 the home is the thing I see the most. Most 0:15:03.680 --> 0:15:07.760 people immediately start thinking of I got to find a home, 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:11.280 and you may ultimately it might be better, ultimately for 0:15:11.320 --> 0:15:13.280 your loved one to be in a home. That depends 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:17.080 on their prognosis and your relationship with them, the type 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:19.000 of space you have for them. All of those things 0:15:19.040 --> 0:15:22.520 will affect that. But I think it's always easier to 0:15:22.560 --> 0:15:24.520 start with them with you, especially if they're not too 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:28.040 far gone where you can care for them. It's also 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:31.840 I think people forget it's more time with the person 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:35.200 that you love. Yeah, and sometimes you know it's not 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:37.640 a good mix. You know, the personalities are not a 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:40.720 good fix, and you'll figure that out too. But if 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:42.920 you can do it, if you guys can get over 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:47.040 your stuff and you can cohabitate, bring your person in 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:50.200 the house and take care of them as long as you. 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:53.920 Can, and then how about when? Because this will usually 0:15:54.000 --> 0:15:55.920 be the case for people there have other people in 0:15:55.960 --> 0:15:58.640 their lives, Like I have a full house with an 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:02.160 adult daughter, a people coming in and out all the time, 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:05.160 and my husband. Yeah, and my house is very small, 0:16:05.520 --> 0:16:08.880 and I'm really considering moving my mom in, and I'm 0:16:09.640 --> 0:16:10.960 I'm worried. 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:16.280 I will say this, small homes have held more people, 0:16:16.320 --> 0:16:19.000 so that you got to remember, there's some people six seven, eight, nine, 0:16:19.080 --> 0:16:20.120 ten deep in a small home. 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:20.920 So that's the first thing. 0:16:21.440 --> 0:16:24.560 Second you bring her in, you see how it goes. 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:27.000 If it doesn't work for your family or for her, 0:16:27.360 --> 0:16:29.960 then you move to finding the next level. If that 0:16:30.120 --> 0:16:32.280 is we get a bigger house, or if that is 0:16:33.120 --> 0:16:35.360 the garage that converted into a studio, I'm now going 0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:37.920 to turn it into an adu so my adult daughter 0:16:38.000 --> 0:16:40.440 has her own space, or I move my mom in there, 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:43.320 you know what I mean. Like, you just adjust as 0:16:43.360 --> 0:16:47.080 things need to be adjusted. But until she gets there, 0:16:47.600 --> 0:16:50.600 we don't know. This might end up being the best thing. Ever, 0:16:50.960 --> 0:16:53.240 she might end up taking up doing things that other 0:16:53.240 --> 0:16:55.040 people don't want to do, or she might end up 0:16:55.240 --> 0:16:57.560 lightning the load in a way you can't even imagine 0:16:57.920 --> 0:17:01.160 right now. And more than that, you get to have 0:17:01.200 --> 0:17:03.240 more time with your mother and your and your daughter 0:17:03.280 --> 0:17:05.359 gets to have more time with her grandmother at a 0:17:05.400 --> 0:17:08.520 time when your mom needs that connection. She may not 0:17:08.640 --> 0:17:11.840 say it, she may not know it, but what she's 0:17:11.880 --> 0:17:15.200 about to face she needs you, guys, and what you're 0:17:15.240 --> 0:17:17.399 about to face with her, you're gonna want to make 0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:21.560 as many memories as you can. Yeah, So it's I know, baby, 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:23.639 I know. If this is some heavy shit, I know, 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:26.080 but I'm gonna tell you this. You can do it. 0:17:27.720 --> 0:17:29.400 I do know this, and you will do it as 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:31.480 long as you can do it, and then you will 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:35.600 adjust when you need to adjust. Yeah, you know, Yeah, 0:17:35.960 --> 0:17:36.560 you can do it though. 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:39.320 I appromi and bite sized pieces. 0:17:39.320 --> 0:17:41.520 And I'm here listen. The good thing is you gotta 0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:44.120 you got somebody that didn't did it? Oh, I'm here. 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:47.280 Any question you have if you're feeling like ah. And also, 0:17:47.600 --> 0:17:49.880 you know, be honest with your friends too, and say 0:17:50.080 --> 0:17:51.560 somebody need to come over here and sit with mama 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:54.680 for a hour. I need a break, you know what 0:17:54.760 --> 0:17:57.919 I mean, And be honest about it, and be honest, 0:17:58.000 --> 0:17:59.600 you know, with her as much as you can as 0:17:59.600 --> 0:18:01.239 long as you there and go my money. Then I'm 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:02.520 gonna take a little bak. I'm gonna go take a 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:05.600 walk around the block for a minute, you know. And 0:18:05.640 --> 0:18:08.120 they understand, they understand more than you think they understand. 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:12.800 And remember this, she's scared. Yeah, you know, she's she 0:18:12.880 --> 0:18:14.880 may not know fully what she's facing, and you guys 0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:17.760 may not know yet either. But she literally is. She 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:21.160 knows that she's forgetting things, she knows that something's not right, 0:18:21.880 --> 0:18:24.480 and she's scared. And so you got to remember that 0:18:24.520 --> 0:18:26.720 you're dealing with someone whose life is changing in seismic 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:29.320 ways that they don't understand. So their behavior is tied 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:32.080 to their confusion and fear a lot of times, and 0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:34.800 it's always a season that whatever she's doing right now, 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:36.320 she ain't gonna do forever. She's gonna move on and 0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:36.880 do something else. 0:18:37.600 --> 0:18:38.320 That's what they do. 0:18:38.440 --> 0:18:40.200 I don't get attached to nothing I get from my dad. 0:18:40.240 --> 0:18:42.560 But all right, we're doing this today. Okay, the borrow 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:45.800 will be something else, you know. Yeah, but you can 0:18:45.840 --> 0:18:46.119 do it. 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:48.520 It's just so hard, I think. I know a lot 0:18:48.520 --> 0:18:51.639 of people can relate to your journey and to the 0:18:51.640 --> 0:18:54.199 one that I'm about to go on, and how it 0:18:54.359 --> 0:18:56.600 just pulls out all your emotions sometimes. 0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:59.840 And it's also it's a reminder of the passage of. 0:18:59.840 --> 0:19:01.920 Time, you know, And that's fucking scary. 0:19:02.000 --> 0:19:05.439