WEBVTT - Perfectionist Panic 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:11.400 This is the Anxiety Bites podcast and I am your host, 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:18.720 Jen Kirkman. Welcome to another episode of Anxiety Bites. I 0:00:18.760 --> 0:00:23.080 am your host, Jen Kirkman, and I'm also your guest today. 0:00:23.120 --> 0:00:25.200 This was sort of a last minute thing. Well I 0:00:25.239 --> 0:00:27.480 don't even mean sort of. It was a last minute thing. 0:00:27.480 --> 0:00:31.000 I did not plan to just blah blah blah to 0:00:31.080 --> 0:00:33.319 you all today, and that's why the episode is out 0:00:33.320 --> 0:00:37.120 a little bit later. I hope you're okay. I know 0:00:37.240 --> 0:00:39.280 some people they need their routines in the morning, but 0:00:39.320 --> 0:00:42.600 I'm here now. There was a tragedy with one of 0:00:42.600 --> 0:00:46.519 the recordings that we had already to release tomorrow. It 0:00:46.640 --> 0:00:51.320 just was something was wrong with the recording um and 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:55.640 it was untenable to could not release, and so we 0:00:55.680 --> 0:00:59.440 didn't have anything produced in the can ready at a 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:03.040 moment's no, just nothing would be quicker than me coming 0:01:03.080 --> 0:01:06.920 and talking to you solo. So here I am now. 0:01:06.959 --> 0:01:08.880 I don't have a planned story to tell like I 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:11.760 did the day I talked about my fear of flying journey, 0:01:11.840 --> 0:01:16.760 but I thought maybe I would just talk about an 0:01:16.760 --> 0:01:24.240 aspect of getting recovery around anxiety that I'm personally fascinated with. 0:01:24.280 --> 0:01:27.600 I think it was a big part of my story. 0:01:28.640 --> 0:01:36.839 And that is cognitive distortions, distorted thinking, and perfectionism, which 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:39.560 is if you really don't know the definition, it's not 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:43.960 what you think it is. And sort of I don't 0:01:43.959 --> 0:01:47.640 know if it's self esteem, but the something that that 0:01:47.680 --> 0:01:52.360 you need to even dip your toe in getting a 0:01:52.360 --> 0:01:56.400 little bit better. And I do think that some people, 0:01:56.400 --> 0:01:59.080 and I know I was one of them. I thought, 0:02:01.720 --> 0:02:03.840 I don't think any of this stuff is gonna work 0:02:03.960 --> 0:02:07.920 for me. You know, Even when I took that Fear 0:02:07.920 --> 0:02:11.440 of Flying course, I was almost proud that I didn't 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:15.080 graduate the class with flying colors. Everyone else flew for 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:18.160 the first time or for the first time since they 0:02:18.160 --> 0:02:22.680 had developed their phobia of flying, with really no panic 0:02:22.800 --> 0:02:26.360 and very little anxiety, and I didn't. I full on 0:02:26.400 --> 0:02:28.920 panics the whole time. And I was almost proud. I 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:33.040 told you, I'm so special, I'm so different. This doesn't 0:02:33.040 --> 0:02:36.960 help me. And as disordered as that sounds, because it 0:02:37.040 --> 0:02:41.000 is a disordered thinking, that was like a warm blanket 0:02:41.160 --> 0:02:44.400 and a cup of hot coco to me. That was 0:02:45.200 --> 0:02:47.280 in a weird way. I don't think I knew it then, 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:51.040 but in a weird way, that was soothing. There is 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:53.560 no help for me. So guess what you get to 0:02:53.600 --> 0:02:55.720 do when there's just no way you can be helped 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:59.400 with anxiety. You get to go into all of the 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:03.000 behavior years that you use now to cope, and they 0:03:03.520 --> 0:03:06.200 probably our behaviors that aren't helping. They may make the 0:03:06.240 --> 0:03:09.880 anxiety worse, but they keep your life nice and small. 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:12.520 So up definitely can't do that, can't go here, can't 0:03:12.520 --> 0:03:15.600 go there, can't do this, can't do that well because 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:19.840 I got the worst of anybody, and so it goes. 0:03:21.480 --> 0:03:23.720 There was something again I was not aware of it, 0:03:23.800 --> 0:03:27.960 but probably potentially scary about getting over my fear, flying 0:03:28.080 --> 0:03:32.800 and challenging the distortions in my mind and trying to 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:35.560 get better, which is what if I really try and 0:03:35.600 --> 0:03:38.840 I fail? But I also think the bigger thing is 0:03:38.880 --> 0:03:41.440 what if I really try and I succeed. Now I'm 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:44.720 just a person in the world without my security blanket, 0:03:45.520 --> 0:03:48.440 my anxious coping mechanisms. Not the anxiety itself, but the 0:03:48.520 --> 0:03:51.040 coping mechanisms we do. That's like our drug, not the 0:03:51.080 --> 0:03:55.559 anxiety itself. And you know, I have my little coping mechanisms. 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:57.760 I have my rituals I do. I have my worrying 0:03:57.800 --> 0:04:01.760 that I do. I have my shallow breathing that I do. 0:04:01.960 --> 0:04:03.760 You know, in a weird way, it comforts me more 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:07.280 than deep breaths. You have all your things. I have 0:04:07.320 --> 0:04:09.480 the bad mood that I get into. I have the 0:04:09.520 --> 0:04:11.360 your ability that I get into. I have the anger, 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:14.640 the self righteousness that I'm smarter than everybody else because 0:04:14.640 --> 0:04:18.400 I'm actually having anxiety about this flight or this traffic 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:22.040 jam or whatever. And so now with all out, without 0:04:22.080 --> 0:04:24.279 all of our little protecting things, now we're just a 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:32.360 person in the world who can experience feelings sadness, anger, disappointment, grief, embarrassment, shame. 0:04:32.440 --> 0:04:36.200 You know, it's much easier to feel nothing but anxiety. 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:39.719 And in that way, it really is like a drug, 0:04:40.600 --> 0:04:44.279 because John Waters famously said, if you have a drug addiction, 0:04:44.360 --> 0:04:47.680 you have one problem, that drug addiction, and then when 0:04:47.680 --> 0:04:51.119 you sober up, no, you got all the problems. And 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:53.159 so I just want you know, this may not be 0:04:53.600 --> 0:04:58.400 something that everybody relates to. But as I was going 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:01.520 through books i'd read on anxiety and looking at them 0:05:01.520 --> 0:05:03.719 a second time, things started to jump out at me 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:06.440 that I said, oh, I think this is me, and 0:05:06.440 --> 0:05:09.839 and I somehow worked through this, but I really think 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:11.600 this is where I used to be at and and 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:13.440 so I was going through this book, one of my 0:05:13.520 --> 0:05:17.200 favorite books. I highly recommend it for anybody. It's called 0:05:17.200 --> 0:05:21.520 The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. Now, if you don't have phobias, 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:24.279 you might be reticent to buy the book. It doesn't 0:05:24.640 --> 0:05:27.600 focus too much on phobias. Honestly, of the book is 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:32.080 about phobias. It's really a lot about anxiety, mostly about 0:05:32.080 --> 0:05:36.280 anxiety and panic attacks. And it's incredible. I mean, it's 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:42.040 the kitchen sink. It is throwing every single possible diagnosis 0:05:42.120 --> 0:05:45.520 at your you know, reasons for why panic and anxiety arise, 0:05:45.560 --> 0:05:47.640 from the physical to the thoughts and the way back 0:05:47.680 --> 0:05:50.119 of our head. And it's it's a book I always 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:53.040 tell people to to read. It's it's also it's by 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:56.640 um an author called Dr Edmund Borne, and I can 0:05:56.720 --> 0:05:58.400 link to it in the show notes. I actually asked 0:05:58.480 --> 0:06:00.880 him to be on the podcast, or my producers did, 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:04.800 and um, he he's not going to be on Anxiety Bites. Uh, 0:06:06.160 --> 0:06:08.239 not not in a bad way. He's just he doesn't 0:06:08.279 --> 0:06:11.920 do podcasts. Um he does like public appearances and things 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:15.080 like that, but um, you know he's he has his 0:06:15.160 --> 0:06:16.920 own way that he gets his word out. But so 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:19.720 I highly recommend the book. But there was something I 0:06:19.760 --> 0:06:22.760 wanted to talk to him about, which was this little detail, 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:29.039 and that little detail is perfectionism. And so let me 0:06:29.160 --> 0:06:31.520 take it back here. I've known for a while that 0:06:31.600 --> 0:06:34.120 Dr Born was not able to do the podcast. Men, 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:37.560 I knew before even the podcast premier in October, but 0:06:38.279 --> 0:06:41.040 I kept thinking, well, there'll be some doctor I can 0:06:41.040 --> 0:06:43.560 talk to about this thing that I'm sort of fascinated by, 0:06:43.600 --> 0:06:46.520 which is the cognitive distortions that we don't know we're 0:06:46.520 --> 0:06:49.000 thinking that causes to panic when we go that just 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:51.800 happened out of the blue, or um, you know, the 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:55.320 real definition of perfectionism, and it just hasn't come up 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:58.479 yet naturally when I when I've talked to people, UM, 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:00.520 so I thought, all right, I'll just talk about it 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:03.400 solo in this episode. But taking it back to why 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:08.080 I was even thinking about any of this was during 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:12.800 the god the first year of the pandemic. Welcome to 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:15.520 year three, everybody, the first year of the pandemic, when 0:07:15.520 --> 0:07:19.280 we were in various stages of lockdowns. Um, this is 0:07:19.400 --> 0:07:22.000 when I got the idea to start this podcast. But 0:07:22.120 --> 0:07:26.720 Before I started the podcast, I wrote this fifty page 0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:30.400 PDF with stories from my life, and I just compiled 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:33.640 as much as I could of things that people could read, 0:07:33.680 --> 0:07:36.920 whether it's a free pdf they could click on, you know, 0:07:37.160 --> 0:07:42.800 on the internet. And I reposted and reprinted a lot 0:07:42.880 --> 0:07:45.960 of things from the Anxiety and Phobio Workbook by Dr 0:07:46.080 --> 0:07:49.960 Edmund Bourne. And as I was sifting through the workbook 0:07:49.960 --> 0:07:53.720 to find things that might be interesting to people, it's 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:57.360 where I came across the notion of perfectionism stops people 0:07:57.360 --> 0:08:00.880 from even getting help with their anxiety and distorted thinking. 0:08:00.960 --> 0:08:02.880 And I thought maybe that would be interesting for people 0:08:03.920 --> 0:08:09.480 to read because we all kind of know roughly what 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:12.080 to do for anxiety. We we know about yoga, right, 0:08:12.600 --> 0:08:15.200 we know about meditation, we know about breathing, We even 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:19.040 know about I don't know, don't have too much caffeine 0:08:19.120 --> 0:08:23.880 or whatever. But but when you can't even begin to 0:08:24.040 --> 0:08:29.280 begin doing the things that you need to do to 0:08:29.360 --> 0:08:33.080 address your anxious symptoms, what is that to call? It? 0:08:33.160 --> 0:08:37.920 Is that anxiety? And how do we break through that? 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:42.880 And I just wanted to give some information to people 0:08:42.920 --> 0:08:45.880 because it might click in your brain and you might think, oh, 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:49.920 that's what I do now how you go forward and 0:08:49.960 --> 0:08:54.560 not do it anymore. You will have to do some 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:57.480 of the exercises in books such as the Anxiety and 0:08:57.480 --> 0:09:00.640 Phobia Work Book. There's other books like it um or 0:09:00.720 --> 0:09:03.160 if you something you talk about in therapy, or sometimes 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:07.840 just the awareness helps. I have a friend who years ago, 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:12.520 when he was quitting smoking, he would say to himself, 0:09:13.720 --> 0:09:15.199 not oh, I gotta quit, but I'm not going to 0:09:15.280 --> 0:09:17.600 think about it right now. I want to quit, but 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:19.920 I'm not willing to. And he just said it to 0:09:20.120 --> 0:09:23.840 himself that way. And when other people would say, you know, 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:26.280 you should quit and it's good for your health, and 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:29.640 he would say, I, I know everything that's good about quitting, 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:33.800 I'm not willing to right now, And just by saying 0:09:33.880 --> 0:09:38.439 the truth, it just got into his mind that that 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:40.600 was the only thing stopping him. He just wasn't willing, 0:09:42.360 --> 0:09:46.280 and sort of behind the scenes in his brain it 0:09:46.440 --> 0:09:49.680 became a matter of well, when are you willing And 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:51.880 he eventually did, but he said it was that moment 0:09:52.760 --> 0:09:56.640 that even just saying things that way changed things for him. 0:09:56.679 --> 0:10:00.640 And so I do that now with quote being busy now, 0:10:00.679 --> 0:10:04.400 I am extremely busy right now. I'm in my life 0:10:04.640 --> 0:10:07.200 the way my anxiety looks is I'm working sixty five 0:10:07.240 --> 0:10:10.960 hours a week. That is not ideal. I'm not a workaholic. 0:10:11.160 --> 0:10:15.439 I actually don't even love working. I'm glad. I love 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:18.440 all of my jobs. I write for a TV show, 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:22.160 I do this podcast, and I also have another side 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:25.440 project that's more in the comedy world that I do, 0:10:25.600 --> 0:10:27.760 and I have to do all of them at once. 0:10:27.800 --> 0:10:31.000 I'm not really in control of when any of these 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:35.559 projects need to be turned in. UM. It's very strange, 0:10:35.600 --> 0:10:37.440 you know. I work for myself in a lot of 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:39.760 ways in that I'm sitting in my kitchen right now 0:10:39.800 --> 0:10:44.239 recording this, you know. But there are deadlines, there are contracts, 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:46.520 there are things, And with my writing job, it's fully 0:10:46.880 --> 0:10:49.560 a normal job where I'm not in control of anything 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:51.640 and I don't work from home. And but my other 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:55.600 comedy endeavor is um or my other endeavor, which is comedy, 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:57.839 is a little more within my control. But if I 0:10:57.880 --> 0:10:59.760 don't do it, I don't get paid. And all of 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:03.800 these things added together are what I need my income 0:11:03.840 --> 0:11:07.480 to be in any given years, So it's not like 0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:11.680 one thing pays enough for the whole year because they're 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:15.480 all part time jobs. In the sense of there not 0:11:15.679 --> 0:11:19.040 twelve months a year, right, So they all just happened 0:11:19.080 --> 0:11:20.960 to be going on at the same time. That was 0:11:21.120 --> 0:11:23.520 not coming out of the pandemic. And I know we're 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:25.240 still in it. My god, I don't mean it that way. 0:11:25.600 --> 0:11:27.720 We need to find a better expression for that. Coming 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:30.520 out of the first round of the pandemic, I'd say 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:35.200 post first vaccine, pre delta, pre o maicron, when it 0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:38.600 seemed like, okay, there's a chance we could just jump 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:41.920 right back into normalcy and go to where we were before. 0:11:42.040 --> 0:11:44.840 And there were so many think pieces what have we learned? 0:11:44.880 --> 0:11:46.679 And can we slow down? And what things do we 0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:50.240 you know, think that we could drop from our busy lives. 0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:54.320 And I was, I was there. I was saying, you know, 0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:57.520 I'm not going to make myself nutty anymore with all 0:11:57.600 --> 0:12:00.280 this business. But there are some time is when you 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:04.920 don't have a choice. So it's not there's not any Oh, 0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:10.359 I'm secretly a workaholic who just wants to avoid no. No, 0:12:10.679 --> 0:12:13.040 I just this this time of year when I happen 0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:15.360 to have all my jobs firing at once, you know, 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:19.920 not firing the opposite of firing, you know what I mean? Uh, 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:23.040 But so, now where does my self care come in? 0:12:23.080 --> 0:12:26.520 Where does ten minutes of meditation in the morning, writing 0:12:26.520 --> 0:12:30.400 a gratitude list, just doing some mild stretching when I 0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:34.080 get out of bed, for God's sakes, you know, just 0:12:34.920 --> 0:12:36.839 it's not my workout for the day. I mean, I 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:38.560 might take a class later in the day, I might 0:12:38.559 --> 0:12:41.160 go on to walk, but even just getting an event 0:12:41.240 --> 0:12:43.640 and thinking that feels stiff, let me just stretch for 0:12:44.080 --> 0:12:48.160 literally ninety seconds. I sometimes won't even do that. My 0:12:48.200 --> 0:12:50.920 brain will say, well, you're taking an exercise class tonight, Well, 0:12:51.000 --> 0:12:52.680 what does that have to do with anything? This is 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:57.200 I'm not doing bodybuilding right now. I'm just stretching like 0:12:57.240 --> 0:12:58.920 a cat would when they get up from a knop. 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:02.000 And my brain jumps in and tells me that's all 0:13:02.080 --> 0:13:05.960 we're doing right now? Why not? It just gets so 0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:10.160 flooded and compartmentalist. So my morning ritual that I would 0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:12.960 love to do every day is, and I've done this 0:13:13.040 --> 0:13:16.120 in the past, a little bit of meditation. Usually I 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:18.280 like to do a guided morning one. There are a 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:20.880 few great ones I love that you can lay in 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:24.520 bed and do and then maybe even if I have 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:27.960 enough time, another meditation that is a little more, you know, 0:13:28.880 --> 0:13:33.640 sit with your good meditation posture, you know, five time minutes, right, 0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:41.480 a gratitude list, and maybe read something from some kind 0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:43.920 of I don't know, a book that has a spiritual 0:13:43.920 --> 0:13:47.080 bend or psychology band, or listened to some kind of 0:13:47.120 --> 0:13:50.200 podcast like an Anxiety Bites. But the podcast that that 0:13:50.559 --> 0:13:53.680 I listened to, that are you know, for just getting 0:13:53.760 --> 0:13:57.280 quiet and learning about the mind. And there are some 0:13:57.320 --> 0:13:59.440 mornings when I just won't do that, and I have 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:02.640 time technically, but I jump out of bed and I 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:05.080 run to the coffee pot and I make my coffee, 0:14:05.679 --> 0:14:09.360 and I get right into what I call the real world. 0:14:09.960 --> 0:14:13.719 It's right into returning emails, right into my favorite thing, 0:14:13.720 --> 0:14:18.000 making it to do list. But I do that to 0:14:18.080 --> 0:14:22.080 do list in a way that isn't really to prioritize 0:14:22.120 --> 0:14:24.680 what I need to do. And when it's this, once 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:27.560 the list is made, I'll feel relief. And I never 0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:30.240 feel that relief because something in my soul is saying, 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:33.520 can you stretch for ninety seconds? Can you do that meditation? 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:39.960 Can you do um anything? Now? You know I can't. 0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:44.120 And so I've adopted long way to get here back here. 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:46.600 I've adopted my friend who quit smoking. I've adopted his 0:14:48.000 --> 0:14:50.800 The thing of I say to myself, I have time 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:53.120 to do that, I'm not. I'm not willing to this morning. 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:55.080 And there's something About's not to make myself feel bad. 0:14:55.080 --> 0:14:57.040 It's just to be honest with myself, I'm not willing 0:14:57.080 --> 0:15:00.160 to so that eventually midweek or into the week week 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:03.720 or the next week, I have to sit with myself 0:15:03.720 --> 0:15:05.800 and ask, Okay, if I'm not willing to do those things, 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:07.480 what can we look at here? Do we need to 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:09.640 change the time of day that I do them? Do 0:15:09.720 --> 0:15:12.040 we need to say tough ship, You're going to do 0:15:12.080 --> 0:15:14.040 them anyway? I mean, at a certain point, I can't 0:15:14.080 --> 0:15:16.040 sit around and wait for the willingness. I have to 0:15:16.600 --> 0:15:21.080 take an action. Do I just tell myself, Okay, what 0:15:21.120 --> 0:15:23.120 if one day you just did this five minute thing? 0:15:23.200 --> 0:15:25.040 Is it that I'm thinking of all these three things 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:27.760 I could do? What is it? How am I feeling? 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:30.840 What are my feelings? What are the thoughts behind the 0:15:30.880 --> 0:15:34.400 thought I don't have time? Is it, oh my god, 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:36.360 I don't have time, but I really want to. I 0:15:36.400 --> 0:15:38.400 love this stuff? Or is it I really hate this stuff? 0:15:38.400 --> 0:15:39.640 I'm resentful that I have to do it? In the 0:15:39.680 --> 0:15:41.600 first place. Why can I just be normal? You know? 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:44.360 It's like, mom, those are two different reasons to not 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:51.080 do something, both valid, both have different solutions. You know, 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:52.840 the oh my god, I really want to do that stuff, 0:15:52.840 --> 0:15:54.360 but I'm so busy. Okay, now we just look at 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:56.480 your schedule. Where can we find pockets of time? Right? 0:15:58.160 --> 0:16:00.920 But the I don't of time and I could make time, 0:16:00.920 --> 0:16:02.400 but I really don't want to because it just resemble 0:16:02.440 --> 0:16:04.400 that I even have to do this stuff? Why could 0:16:04.400 --> 0:16:07.560 I be normal? That is like, I gotta sit my 0:16:07.600 --> 0:16:12.680 feelings now and remind myself there is no normal. And 0:16:12.920 --> 0:16:14.640 sure there's plenty of people that jump out of bed, 0:16:14.680 --> 0:16:16.520 they make up pot of coffee, but I don't know 0:16:16.640 --> 0:16:19.960 their inner world, and if I had to switch places 0:16:19.960 --> 0:16:22.400 with them magically without knowing their inner world, I probably 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:25.880 wouldn't take that risk, you know. And so that's where 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:30.800 I'm at lately. Let's say all of January has every 0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:33.960 day has started with that kind of mad rush to 0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:36.400 the coffee pot, ignoring what I need to be doing, 0:16:36.960 --> 0:16:41.600 and even most days not doing my usual. I have time, 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:44.480 but I'm unwilling. And so as I'm saying this, I'm thinking, 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:47.000 what a gift that our audio was a little weird 0:16:47.040 --> 0:16:48.760 for tomorrow that we had planned, and that I have 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:53.080 to talk and do this episode. And I like doing 0:16:53.080 --> 0:16:57.560 these kind of episodes because I hope it's relatable, and 0:16:57.600 --> 0:17:01.680 I also never want this podcast tom off. As though 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:07.680 I don't still experience anxiety or I don't still go 0:17:07.800 --> 0:17:12.679 into my not helpful coping mechanisms. Obviously not trying to 0:17:12.680 --> 0:17:14.520 be a perfect person, I do think I have a 0:17:14.520 --> 0:17:18.000 lot of experience of anxiety, and I no longer believe 0:17:18.040 --> 0:17:21.879 I can't be helped because I was helped UM. But 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:26.080 I also don't think even if a new anxiety symptom 0:17:26.200 --> 0:17:30.240 or situation happened my reaction, I don't think going forward 0:17:30.960 --> 0:17:33.040 in life could ever be UM, I can't be helped 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:35.720 with that. It's it's just my brain has been rewired 0:17:35.720 --> 0:17:38.080 that I just don't look at something that way. If 0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:40.280 it's happening to me, it's not unique because I am 0:17:40.280 --> 0:17:44.480 a human. In humans, we're complex, but we have a 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:46.840 lot of the same issues. And so if I'm feeling 0:17:46.840 --> 0:17:50.560 a certain way, then a million people are and I'm 0:17:50.560 --> 0:17:52.840 sure there's something that can help me with it. And 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:55.160 if I'm insisting that I'm so unique that I can't 0:17:55.160 --> 0:17:58.479 be helped. Well, then I better get myself to some 0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:01.520 kind of study where the scientists can poke and prod 0:18:01.600 --> 0:18:03.600 me and figure out why I'm the most unique person 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:05.239 who ever lived. And if I'm not willing to do that, 0:18:05.280 --> 0:18:17.280 then I know I'm just telling myself some bullshit. During 0:18:17.320 --> 0:18:23.320 the pandemic, again, we're still in one pandemic. I was noticing, 0:18:24.160 --> 0:18:26.840 and I know I've said this before, that people and 0:18:27.160 --> 0:18:28.920 people to me as the people I see on social 0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:32.000 media may not know any of them, but they there 0:18:32.040 --> 0:18:35.560 was a lot of anxiety. And but but there was 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:39.320 seemed to be a lot of confusion about the anxiety. 0:18:39.359 --> 0:18:41.720 And you know, yeah, I know there's a pandemic, but 0:18:41.760 --> 0:18:43.560 everybody's in the same boat. So why do I feel 0:18:43.600 --> 0:18:46.680 this way because you're in a pandemic. It doesn't matter 0:18:46.680 --> 0:18:49.600 if everyone's in the same boat. Everyone on the Titanic 0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:52.480 felt the same way when it was sinking. I don't 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:55.240 think you could have been on that boat and went, 0:18:55.359 --> 0:18:58.240 oh my god, I'm terrified the boat is sinking. What 0:18:58.280 --> 0:19:00.520 do I have to be afraid about? This man's also 0:19:00.520 --> 0:19:02.879 on the boat and it's sinking. It's like, yes, you're 0:19:02.920 --> 0:19:08.240 all having a collective experience and everyone's feelings are completely valid. 0:19:09.240 --> 0:19:11.280 Part of me thinks that's a great analogy and I 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:12.880 should use that in the future, and the other half 0:19:12.880 --> 0:19:15.080 of me goes that that didn't really land the way 0:19:15.080 --> 0:19:19.120 you wanted it too. That sorry. But so I thought, well, 0:19:19.119 --> 0:19:21.000 maybe I can help people, and I told people to 0:19:21.040 --> 0:19:25.720 email me, and I've sent out this PDF file that 0:19:27.040 --> 0:19:29.000 I thought could at least be something that people can 0:19:29.040 --> 0:19:33.480 read to get the ball rolling. Of course, somebody said, 0:19:33.480 --> 0:19:36.760 I have anxiety. Thought of getting something that's fifty two 0:19:36.760 --> 0:19:40.360 pages or linked to something that's fifty two pages overwhelming, 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:43.959 And I was like, well, that's what you will have 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:46.320 to be in charge of just opening and looking at 0:19:46.359 --> 0:19:48.760 one page a day. I can't. I can't help you there. 0:19:48.760 --> 0:19:53.120 But there's always something right. So thousands of people emailed 0:19:53.160 --> 0:19:59.800 me to get this link to the pdf, and most 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:02.359 people wrote a little note with their email, and most 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:05.159 people were beating themselves up for even I don't normally 0:20:05.160 --> 0:20:08.600 need this, this is for someone else, or I used 0:20:08.600 --> 0:20:10.000 to have anxiety and I got rid of it, but 0:20:10.040 --> 0:20:13.760 it came back, which is not a thing. Um, you know, 0:20:14.080 --> 0:20:17.920 everything was blaming themselves and I was so I ended 0:20:18.000 --> 0:20:24.000 up putting things about perfectionism into this and so this 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:27.600 is what you know. Again, I am quoting what I've learned. 0:20:28.920 --> 0:20:32.480 I am not a doctor, but this is what people 0:20:32.560 --> 0:20:40.000 smarter than me have said about perfectionism. UM. And again 0:20:40.600 --> 0:20:46.040 this is from perfectionism and anxiety. What I'm reading from 0:20:46.080 --> 0:20:50.080 is from a website called very well mind dot com 0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:54.440 and this was updated UM on September and it was 0:20:54.480 --> 0:20:57.199 written by a woman named Katharina Starr, who is a 0:20:57.240 --> 0:21:04.440 PhD expert on anxiety and antic disorder. So what is perfectionism? 0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:08.680 In basic terms, perfectionism is the desire to be perfect 0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:13.600 or flawless in various aspects of one's internal or external life. 0:21:13.600 --> 0:21:17.639 Perfectionism involves exceedingly high standards that one sets out to 0:21:17.720 --> 0:21:21.640 achieve and a belief that being perfect should be strived for. 0:21:22.400 --> 0:21:25.360 It is also thought to be an aspect of one's personality. 0:21:27.280 --> 0:21:32.000 There are both positive and negative consequences of perfectionism. On 0:21:32.119 --> 0:21:35.399 the encouraging side, perfectionism can be a motivating factor in 0:21:35.400 --> 0:21:39.320 achieving your goals, practicing self improvement, giving tasks your best, 0:21:39.760 --> 0:21:43.960 and trying harder in future endeavors. People who use perfectionism 0:21:43.960 --> 0:21:47.119 in a positive way. Are often achievement focused and driven, 0:21:47.600 --> 0:21:51.240 which can help in reaching many aspirations in life. But unfortunately, 0:21:51.920 --> 0:21:55.359 many people who strive for perfectionism often succumbed to a 0:21:55.440 --> 0:21:59.960 downside of this trait setting up standards that are extremely high, 0:22:00.240 --> 0:22:03.200 that are extremely rigid or impossible to achieve, and this 0:22:03.280 --> 0:22:07.160 ideal sets a person up for failure, disappointment, and negative 0:22:07.160 --> 0:22:11.400 self evaluations. Perfectionists are often very self critical and may 0:22:11.480 --> 0:22:15.000 even scrutinize the performance of others when it doesn't live 0:22:15.080 --> 0:22:18.280 up to their unrealistic standards. That one does hit me 0:22:18.320 --> 0:22:22.880 in the gut. Perfectionists are also excessively concerned with how 0:22:22.920 --> 0:22:28.400 others view them, evaluating their own self worth by unattainable accomplishments. 0:22:29.720 --> 0:22:32.680 Some people become so overwhelmed with such stress and demands 0:22:32.680 --> 0:22:36.560 of perfectionism that they're unable to start a task. Fear 0:22:36.600 --> 0:22:40.160 of failure can lead to procrastination or never following through 0:22:40.240 --> 0:22:42.440 on what one sets out to achieve. Now that one 0:22:43.400 --> 0:22:46.320 I relate to, I will procrastinate and it will just 0:22:46.480 --> 0:22:49.680 be like this. I call it the CNN news crawl 0:22:49.760 --> 0:22:53.040 in my brain all day long. You'd I meditate this morning? 0:22:53.040 --> 0:22:54.480 You didn't do your thing this morning. You should do 0:22:54.520 --> 0:22:56.000 your thing. It's gonna feel better. Do it tomorrow. Do 0:22:56.040 --> 0:23:00.320 it tomorrow, Okay, I start overmorrows. It's like again, as 0:23:00.359 --> 0:23:02.040 a therapist one said to me, if you didn't have 0:23:02.119 --> 0:23:04.720 that little mind worm, you kept thinking about what could 0:23:04.720 --> 0:23:08.719 you be thinking about? You know what? What pleasant thing 0:23:08.760 --> 0:23:12.320 could you be thinking about? What creative project could you 0:23:12.400 --> 0:23:14.800