Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Shaddy and I'm thrilled to announce
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Speaker 1: yours today. Dating is hard, Divorce is harder. Being with
Speaker 1: someone is hard, breaking up is harder. Being single is
Speaker 1: better than being with the wrong person. Being single is
Speaker 1: better than settling for the wrong person, and being single
Speaker 1: is better than settling for less than you deserve. The
Speaker 1: number one health and wellness podcast set Jay Chatty. Hey everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to you On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty,
Speaker 1: and I am so grateful that you're back here for
Speaker 1: another episode. Thank you so much for tuning in, and
Speaker 1: this is going to be an episode that you send
Speaker 1: to all your friends, because I know so many people
Speaker 1: right now who are dating in their thirties who are
Speaker 1: struggling because the mindset that I'm old, that it's too late,
Speaker 1: that it should have happened earlier, is the biggest block
Speaker 1: for them. The biggest thing blocking you back from dating
Speaker 1: and finding love in your thirties is that you think
Speaker 1: think it's too late. You think it should have happened earlier.
Speaker 1: You think it should have happened in your twenties. You
Speaker 1: believe that for some reason, you're the last one, you're
Speaker 1: late to the party, that somehow you miss something special
Speaker 1: that was meant to happen in your twenties. And I
Speaker 1: know a lot of people feel this way. That's why
Speaker 1: if you've ever felt this way, or your friends have,
Speaker 1: this episode is for you. If you've got a friend
Speaker 1: out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send
Speaker 1: this episode to them. If you've got a friend out
Speaker 1: there who's tired of online dating, send this episode to them.
Speaker 1: If you've got a friend out there, or if it's
Speaker 1: even you who's saying to themselves, or even if they're
Speaker 1: not saying it. That's the interesting thing, right, It's not
Speaker 1: that we're saying it, but we're thinking it. I'm too old,
Speaker 1: I miss something, it should have happened earlier. This episode
Speaker 1: is for you. The truth is you're not behind. The
Speaker 1: truth is it's not too late. In fact, your thirties
Speaker 1: can be one of the most empowering, transformative times in
Speaker 1: your life when it comes to relationships. And today I'm
Speaker 1: going to walk you through some of the mistakes we
Speaker 1: made in our twenties that we don't do anymore, so
Speaker 1: that we recognize why our thirties can be powerful, and
Speaker 1: by the way, some of the mistakes that we may
Speaker 1: be carrying through into our thirties that we can avoid.
Speaker 1: Before we begin, let's acknowledge something society feeds us, this narrative,
Speaker 1: this timeline that you should be dating by a certain age,
Speaker 1: you should be married by a certain age, you should
Speaker 1: have had kids by a certain age. But we all
Speaker 1: know that that timeline isn't even necessary. We all work
Speaker 1: at different paces, we all find what's meaningful to us
Speaker 1: at different times, and the research actually backs it up.
Speaker 1: According to a twenty twenty two study by the Pew
Speaker 1: Research Center, the average age for first marriages has been
Speaker 1: steadily increasing. For men, it's now thirty years old, and
Speaker 1: for women it's around twenty eight. The study also found
Speaker 1: that nearly half of adults aged eighteen to forty four
Speaker 1: in the US are single, and the number of people
Speaker 1: getting married in their thirties and even forties has risen
Speaker 1: significantly in the last few decades. So if you're in
Speaker 1: your thirties and still not married, it's not a red flag.
Speaker 1: It's actually becoming more and more common. And research published
Speaker 1: by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in twenty
Speaker 1: twenty one also highlights that people in their thirties are
Speaker 1: better equipped for successful long term relationships. This is because
Speaker 1: by the time we reach this age, we're more self aware,
Speaker 1: have a better understanding of what we want, and have
Speaker 1: more emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: And that's really point there. There is no substitute for
Speaker 1: emotional maturity. Long term relationships require one thing, and one
Speaker 1: thing only maturity, and you can't substitute that. You can't
Speaker 1: manufacture that in your twenties. There was also something else
Speaker 1: that I read that was fascinating. A study published by
Speaker 1: the National Bureau of economic research found that people who
Speaker 1: marry later in life are happier in their marriages. Specifically,
Speaker 1: couples who marry in their thirties report higher levels of satisfaction,
Speaker 1: less stress, and a stronger emotional connection. What's the reason
Speaker 1: They've had more time to figure out their needs and
Speaker 1: find a partner who's truly compatible. I'm sharing that with
Speaker 1: you because I think we underestimate. We truly underestimate the
Speaker 1: power of what our thirties has. And another study by
Speaker 1: the University of caliph On your Berkeley revealed that people
Speaker 1: who marry later tend to be healthier. They report lower
Speaker 1: levels of depression and anxiety, and have better overall well being.
Speaker 1: So let's really reframe the idea that you're behind. Let's
Speaker 1: really reframe that thing that's stopping us from actually finding
Speaker 1: love at this moment in our life. In our twenties,
Speaker 1: we're figuring out who we are. In our thirties, we're
Speaker 1: being clear about who we want. You're still trying to
Speaker 1: figure out who you are in your twenties, your deal breakers,
Speaker 1: your red flags, your type, and whether you're into long
Speaker 1: term or casual relationships. In your thirties, you know what
Speaker 1: you want whether it's a relationship, casual dating, or just
Speaker 1: being on your own. You've got your deal breakers locked in.
Speaker 1: You've spent time figuring out what you want because you've
Speaker 1: been through plenty of bad experiences. I think it's really
Speaker 1: interesting how if you remember one of the first people
Speaker 1: you are long term relationship with, they just felt like
Speaker 1: the right person, not because you actually knew, but because
Speaker 1: you've just been with them for a long amount of time.
Speaker 1: And it's really interesting to me how the time bias
Speaker 1: creeps in. If you've been with someone for a year
Speaker 1: and they're your first serious relationship, you assume they must
Speaker 1: be the one. Whereas in your thirties, when you've been
Speaker 1: with someone for a year, even if it's feeling positive,
Speaker 1: there's a part of you that wants to build on that.
Speaker 1: There's a part of you that wants to be clear
Speaker 1: about what you want. In your twenties, even if you're not,
Speaker 1: you're going to find people who are playing games. The
Speaker 1: difference is in your thirties you're playing it straight right.
Speaker 1: In your twenties, if someone was playing games with you, you
Speaker 1: had to kind of figure out how to play games
Speaker 1: with them. Maybe you stayed up all night trying to
Speaker 1: decode every text, or maybe you wanted to make sure
Speaker 1: you didn't come on too strong or stay too distant.
Speaker 1: If someone played games with you, you had to find a
Speaker 1: way to play games better. Maybe you were even the
Speaker 1: one who started the games. But in your thirties, you're
Speaker 1: slowly getting that confidence to say what you mean. You're
Speaker 1: getting the confidence to be into someone and be honest
Speaker 1: with them. You also get the confidence to say this
Speaker 1: isn't for me. It's simpler. Right in your twenties, you
Speaker 1: either shifted, you pivoted, you molded, you played along. This time,
Speaker 1: it's game over, And I think that's a superpower. You've
Speaker 1: outgrown the dating games. You don't have time to waste
Speaker 1: on mixed signals or mind games, and that's a really
Speaker 1: thing to be really important to take into consideration. In
Speaker 1: your twenties, people played games with you, so you had
Speaker 1: to learn to play the game. In your thirties, you
Speaker 1: play it straight, so it's game over. There's no more
Speaker 1: room for games. Now in your thirties, you're still figuring
Speaker 1: out who you are. But I promise you you're more clearer
Speaker 1: on who you want. You're clearer because you know the
Speaker 1: mistakes you've made. And this may take a second to
Speaker 1: shift from self discovery to self assurance, but I encourage
Speaker 1: you to do it. Reflect on the mistakes you make,
Speaker 1: Reflect on the bad decisions you made in your twenties.
Speaker 1: Take a moment to make a list of all the
Speaker 1: men you dated in your twenties that weren't right for you.
Speaker 1: Take a moment to reflect on the women you dated
Speaker 1: that weren't the one for you. Why did you make
Speaker 1: that mistake? What did you get misled by? Was it
Speaker 1: their aura? Was it their charisma? Was it their talent?
Speaker 1: What was it about that person that distracted you away
Speaker 1: from your values? And that's the other thing. In your thirties,
Speaker 1: you have a stronger take on what your values are.
Speaker 1: You have a stronger understanding and commitment to what your
Speaker 1: values are because you know what it feels like when
Speaker 1: you trade your value. You compromised your values in your twenties.
Speaker 1: You allowed yourself to be controlled. In your twenties, You
Speaker 1: allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your twenties.
Speaker 1: In your thirties, you're committed to your new set of values.
Speaker 1: In your thirties, you're committed to not being controlled, to
Speaker 1: not being played with there's a superpower in that, and
Speaker 1: I don't want you to lose sight of it. In
Speaker 1: your twenties, you ignored red flags. In your thirties, you're
Speaker 1: starting to trust your gut. In your twenties, you might
Speaker 1: ignore the little red flags, or you tell yourself you
Speaker 1: can change them. Later, in your thirties, you realize red
Speaker 1: flags are deal breakers, and if something feels off, you
Speaker 1: trust your gut and move faster. One of the biggest
Speaker 1: realizations in your thirties is you've learned the hard way
Speaker 1: that ignoring warning signs only waste time. Trust in your
Speaker 1: instincts saves you drama. The big lesson here is in
Speaker 1: your thirties you've realized one thing. People don't change for people.
Speaker 1: People don't change for you. They change for themselves if
Speaker 1: they want to, when they want to. You can't change
Speaker 1: anyone else. You can't change someone. You can't change their priorities.
Speaker 1: You can't change their likes and dislikes. You can't change
Speaker 1: their focus. You can't change their ambition, you can't change
Speaker 1: their drive. In your twenties, you convinced yourself that you
Speaker 1: could change what that person aspired to be, that you
Speaker 1: could edit, you could mold you could in some way
Speaker 1: inspire them to become different. In your thirties, you realize
Speaker 1: that that's a person. They're not a project. They're a
Speaker 1: person and not a project. They're a human, not someone
Speaker 1: that has to become a high performer because you want
Speaker 1: them to and they're a person, not potential. I couldn't
Speaker 1: be more excited to share something truly special with all
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Speaker 1: the code on purpose. In your thirties, you realize that's
Speaker 1: a person, not a project. That's a person, not potential.
Speaker 1: That's a person, not someone that I have to make
Speaker 1: perform in the way I want them to. In your twenties,
Speaker 1: you convince to yourself that you might be able to
Speaker 1: shift mold inspire, and it might even have been well intentioned,
Speaker 1: but you now recognize that it isn't going to work
Speaker 1: that way. It doesn't work that way, So you learn
Speaker 1: the hard way. You're not going to ignore those little
Speaker 1: red flags anymore. You're going to raise them early. It's
Speaker 1: not that you run away or distance yourself. You're conscious
Speaker 1: enough to make them a part of the conversation, to
Speaker 1: make them a part of the dialogue. You value talking
Speaker 1: about difficult things. You value raising something, not worrying about
Speaker 1: whether it pushes someone away. Don't underestimate the power that
Speaker 1: you have in your thirties. In your twenties, you are
Speaker 1: chasing sparks. In your thirties, you're seeking stability. In your twenties.
Speaker 1: You were infatuated with chemistry. In your thirties, you inspired
Speaker 1: by compatibility. In your twenties, you chase that intense, emotive
Speaker 1: firework feeling. In your thirties, you realized that solid, stable
Speaker 1: communication and mutual respect is at the heart of a
Speaker 1: real connection. It's really interesting when you go through that shift, right.
Speaker 1: You used to feel that you wanted this constant feeling
Speaker 1: of living on the edge. Oh my god, when are
Speaker 1: they going to message back? Oh my gosh, when are
Speaker 1: they going to reply? Oh my god, what shall I
Speaker 1: tell them? Oh my god, when are they going to
Speaker 1: turn up? Oh my gosh, what are they going to do? Like?
Speaker 1: You lived in that conscious state of anxiety, of drama,
Speaker 1: of uncertainty, and where did it get? You left you heartbroken,
Speaker 1: left you lonely. In your thirties, you realize someone who
Speaker 1: messages on time, that's the kind of person I want
Speaker 1: to be with. In your thirties, you realize someone who
Speaker 1: turns up on time, who shows up for me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the kind of person I want to be with.
Speaker 1: In your thirties, you recognize, oh, yeah, that person who
Speaker 1: checks in with me. Oh, I really like that. I
Speaker 1: don't want someone who doesn't message back. I don't want
Speaker 1: someone who doesn't call it to check in. I don't
Speaker 1: want someone who makes up excuses every time we were
Speaker 1: meant to do something. Sure, it felt exciting to pursue
Speaker 1: someone to have the chase, to feel like they may
Speaker 1: or may not want you and figure that out. But
Speaker 1: in your thirties you recognize, I want clarity. I want
Speaker 1: clarity over fake chemistry. I want spontaneity over a false spark.
Speaker 1: It's not that it has to get boring, but you
Speaker 1: realize the value in peace over drama. In your twenties,
Speaker 1: you might even have pursued drama. In your thirties, you
Speaker 1: pursue peace and avoid trauma. You know what it feels like.
Speaker 1: You don't want to invite that back into your life.
Speaker 1: In your twenties, you might have settled for comfort. Maybe
Speaker 1: you even stayed in a relationship for too long. In
Speaker 1: your thirties, you're consciously holding out for the right fit.
Speaker 1: In your twenties, you might have settled, stayed somewhere for
Speaker 1: longer than you needed to, accepted less than you deserve,
Speaker 1: because you were worried about being lonely. In your thirties,
Speaker 1: you recognize that being alone is a part of life,
Speaker 1: and actually, when you can feel comfortable in that discomfort,
Speaker 1: that's when you can truly find and attract someone into
Speaker 1: your life. In your twenties, you might settle with someone
Speaker 1: because they're good enough or because you don't want to
Speaker 1: be alone. In your thirties, you don't settle. You're clear
Speaker 1: that you'd rather be single than be in a relationship
Speaker 1: that doesn't feel right. You've figured out that being alone
Speaker 1: is better than being in a relationship that doesn't meet
Speaker 1: your need right. For people who feel pain of being single,
Speaker 1: it's important to remember this. There's the pain of being
Speaker 1: single and the pain of being in the wrong relationship,
Speaker 1: and every time the pain of being in the wrong
Speaker 1: relationship is worse than the pain of being single. I
Speaker 1: know so many people who are married but want to
Speaker 1: be divorced. I know so many people that are engaged
Speaker 1: but don't look forward to their wedding. I know so
Speaker 1: many people that have been married for years and don't
Speaker 1: know a way out. That is so much harder than
Speaker 1: trying to find the right person. It's so much harder
Speaker 1: than trying to ask the right questions. It's so much
Speaker 1: harder than being curious. Dating is hard, but divorce is harder. Right,
Speaker 1: Think about that for a second. It's a lot harder.
Speaker 1: It's how the mind is always the grass is greener
Speaker 1: on the other side. And there's the famous quote that
Speaker 1: says the grosses and't greener on the other side. The
Speaker 1: grass is greener where you water it. And that's the
Speaker 1: shift I want you to take into your thirties. The
Speaker 1: grass is greener where you water it. Water it here,
Speaker 1: water it in your thirties. Stop thinking that your twenties
Speaker 1: were the best time to date. Not only are they
Speaker 1: not coming back, you don't live there anymore. So we
Speaker 1: don't want to keep our minds somewhere that we can't
Speaker 1: go back to, in somewhere that we don't live right,
Speaker 1: We can't even visit it again. It's not even like
Speaker 1: a vacation that you want to go back to because
Speaker 1: you had such a good time. Knowing that time is
Speaker 1: moving forward, don't focus on moving backwards. Dating is hard,
Speaker 1: Divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard, Breaking up
Speaker 1: is harder. Being single is better than being with the
Speaker 1: wrong person. Being single is better than settling for the
Speaker 1: wrong person, And being single is better and settling for
Speaker 1: less than you deserve. In your twenties, every breakup feels
Speaker 1: like the worst thing ever. In your thirties, you've recognized
Speaker 1: that you can bounce back stronger. In your twenties, a
Speaker 1: breakup can feel like the end of the world. In
Speaker 1: your thirties, you waste less time wallowing. You focus on
Speaker 1: healing yourself. You recognize that it's more something you want
Speaker 1: to do for yourself than to get over someone else.
Speaker 1: In your twenties, you think healing is getting closure. In
Speaker 1: your thirties, you realize healing is building confidence. In your twenties,
Speaker 1: you feel healing requires an apology from them. In your twenties,
Speaker 1: you realize healing requires you to forgive yourself. In your twenties,
Speaker 1: healing means trying to get over someone else. In your thirties,
Speaker 1: healing means doing it for yourself. It's a really powerful
Speaker 1: place to be because now every time you're healing, even
Speaker 1: if you are broken up with, even if you are mistreated,
Speaker 1: even if someone does take advantage of you, you're putting
Speaker 1: your energy and emphasis into yourself. You're using it as
Speaker 1: an investment in your self rather than an investment in
Speaker 1: someone else using brain power or brain energy elsewhere. In
Speaker 1: your twenties, you overthink every detail. In your thirties, you
Speaker 1: experience and enjoy the moment. In your twenties, you might
Speaker 1: overanalyze every text, every date, every comment, wondering if they're
Speaker 1: the one, And in your thirties you slow down a little.
Speaker 1: I want you to slow down a little. Even if
Speaker 1: you are feeling pressure, I want you to take that
Speaker 1: pressure off. I want you to experience it for what
Speaker 1: it is. And maybe, as you've been listening to me,
Speaker 1: you're thinking, Jay, I'm not doing that in my thirties,
Speaker 1: I'm still feeling the pressure. Well. I want you to
Speaker 1: rise to this. In your thirties, you understand that relationships
Speaker 1: take time to unfold. You're cool with letting things develop
Speaker 1: naturally instead of rushing the process. This is how I
Speaker 1: want you to approach your thirties. Anything I might say,
Speaker 1: you might even say, Jay, I don't really relate to that.
Speaker 1: I'm probably making the same mistakes. Well, this is what
Speaker 1: I want you to aspire for. This is what I
Speaker 1: want you to rise to, because that's how you do
Speaker 1: the work. That's how you make a shift in your life.
Speaker 1: In your twenties, you are riding the highs. In your thirties,
Speaker 1: you keep things grounded. In your twenties, you might get
Speaker 1: swept away in the excitement of the honeymoon phase and
Speaker 1: let the little things slide. In your thirties, you know,
Speaker 1: the honeymoon phase fades, so you look for someone who
Speaker 1: can handle the lows as much as the highs. The
Speaker 1: best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst
Speaker 1: times in the best ways. Let me say that again,
Speaker 1: the best relationships are the ones that deal with the
Speaker 1: worst times in the best ways. The best relationships are
Speaker 1: not the ones with always having the best times, having
Speaker 1: the best moments, having the best experiences. And in your thirties,
Speaker 1: you prepare for that. You prepare for that with your partner,
Speaker 1: You anticipate your first fight. You recognize how you handle disagreements,
Speaker 1: you think about it with that person, and if they
Speaker 1: don't want to think about that, then they're not your person.
Speaker 1: In your thirties, if someone doesn't treat you well, you
Speaker 1: don't work harder. You move on. In your twenties, you
Speaker 1: would have shifted, changed, molded, transformed yourself to be liked,
Speaker 1: to be treated better. You would have worked harder to
Speaker 1: be treated better in your thirties. If you're not treated better,
Speaker 1: you don't work harder. You move on in your thirties.
Speaker 1: If people take advantage of you, you realize it's their loss.
Speaker 1: In your twenties, if people took advantage of you, you
Speaker 1: let them continue to do it because you believed it
Speaker 1: was your loss. If they left. In your thirties, if
Speaker 1: they don't like something about you, you don't change yourself
Speaker 1: in your twenties, you would have shape shifted in order
Speaker 1: to make things work. The three things you need to
Speaker 1: be really attentive about in your thirties is be better
Speaker 1: at noticing love bombing if someone comes on fast, slow
Speaker 1: it down if someone comes on too strong. Focus on
Speaker 1: building real strength. Don't let yourself be gas lip more
Speaker 1: than once. We all make mistakes, we all get fulled once,
Speaker 1: don't get fulled twice, and rems. You are going to
Speaker 1: be a part of someone's healing and they're going to
Speaker 1: be a part of yours. Everyone's going to bring baggage
Speaker 1: in that thirties, and so are you. You just want
Speaker 1: someone who's willing to help you unpack and let you
Speaker 1: unpack theirs. That's what you need. I really hope that
Speaker 1: this has reinspired you for dating in your thirties, made
Speaker 1: you recognize that all the experiences you've had, all the
Speaker 1: challenges you've had, all the pains you've had, have actually
Speaker 1: given you the insight the lessons to not make the
Speaker 1: same mistakes. But it's your job to slow down and
Speaker 1: really reflect and take it in. Remember I'm always in
Speaker 1: your corner and forever rooting for you. Thanks for listening
Speaker 1: to on Purpose. If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going
Speaker 1: to love my conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens
Speaker 1: up on how to stay with your partner when they're
Speaker 1: changing and the four check ins you should be doing
Speaker 1: in your relationship. We also talk about how to deal
Speaker 1: with the relationships when they're undistressed. If you're going through
Speaker 1: something right now with your partner, or someone you're seeing,
Speaker 1: This is the episode for you.
Speaker 2: No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new
Speaker 2: technology and we've just taken it in hookline and sinker,
Speaker 2: and we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll
Speaker 2: just be thumbing through this stuff. You know, their mind's
Speaker 2: never sleeping.