1 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:04,960 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Shaddy and I'm thrilled to announce 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can 3 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:12,120 Speaker 1: experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city 4 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It 5 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:20,439 Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO 6 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:25,079 Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, 7 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,159 Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to 8 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences 9 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:36,040 Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a 10 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. 11 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 1: Head to Jaysheddy, dop Me Forward Slash Tour and get 12 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:50,879 Speaker 1: yours today. Dating is hard, Divorce is harder. Being with 13 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:57,520 Speaker 1: someone is hard, breaking up is harder. Being single is 14 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 1: better than being with the wrong person. Being single is 15 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:06,600 Speaker 1: better than settling for the wrong person, and being single 16 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 1: is better than settling for less than you deserve. The 17 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:19,639 Speaker 1: number one health and wellness podcast set Jay Chatty. Hey everyone, 18 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:24,039 Speaker 1: welcome back to you On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty, 19 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:26,920 Speaker 1: and I am so grateful that you're back here for 20 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 1: another episode. Thank you so much for tuning in, and 21 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 1: this is going to be an episode that you send 22 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,520 Speaker 1: to all your friends, because I know so many people 23 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: right now who are dating in their thirties who are 24 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:47,320 Speaker 1: struggling because the mindset that I'm old, that it's too late, 25 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: that it should have happened earlier, is the biggest block 26 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,560 Speaker 1: for them. The biggest thing blocking you back from dating 27 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,960 Speaker 1: and finding love in your thirties is that you think 28 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,680 Speaker 1: think it's too late. You think it should have happened earlier. 29 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,400 Speaker 1: You think it should have happened in your twenties. You 30 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:11,440 Speaker 1: believe that for some reason, you're the last one, you're 31 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:15,280 Speaker 1: late to the party, that somehow you miss something special 32 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,079 Speaker 1: that was meant to happen in your twenties. And I 33 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 1: know a lot of people feel this way. That's why 34 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,680 Speaker 1: if you've ever felt this way, or your friends have, 35 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,600 Speaker 1: this episode is for you. If you've got a friend 36 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 1: out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send 37 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,480 Speaker 1: this episode to them. If you've got a friend out 38 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:36,320 Speaker 1: there who's tired of online dating, send this episode to them. 39 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,680 Speaker 1: If you've got a friend out there, or if it's 40 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:42,079 Speaker 1: even you who's saying to themselves, or even if they're 41 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,760 Speaker 1: not saying it. That's the interesting thing, right, It's not 42 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 1: that we're saying it, but we're thinking it. I'm too old, 43 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:53,239 Speaker 1: I miss something, it should have happened earlier. This episode 44 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:59,400 Speaker 1: is for you. The truth is you're not behind. The 45 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:03,840 Speaker 1: truth is it's not too late. In fact, your thirties 46 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:08,040 Speaker 1: can be one of the most empowering, transformative times in 47 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 1: your life when it comes to relationships. And today I'm 48 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 1: going to walk you through some of the mistakes we 49 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,840 Speaker 1: made in our twenties that we don't do anymore, so 50 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 1: that we recognize why our thirties can be powerful, and 51 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 1: by the way, some of the mistakes that we may 52 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: be carrying through into our thirties that we can avoid. 53 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:32,239 Speaker 1: Before we begin, let's acknowledge something society feeds us, this narrative, 54 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:37,080 Speaker 1: this timeline that you should be dating by a certain age, 55 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:40,160 Speaker 1: you should be married by a certain age, you should 56 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,280 Speaker 1: have had kids by a certain age. But we all 57 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:48,840 Speaker 1: know that that timeline isn't even necessary. We all work 58 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:53,040 Speaker 1: at different paces, we all find what's meaningful to us 59 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:57,760 Speaker 1: at different times, and the research actually backs it up. 60 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,640 Speaker 1: According to a twenty twenty two study by the Pew 61 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:04,840 Speaker 1: Research Center, the average age for first marriages has been 62 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 1: steadily increasing. For men, it's now thirty years old, and 63 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,240 Speaker 1: for women it's around twenty eight. The study also found 64 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: that nearly half of adults aged eighteen to forty four 65 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,480 Speaker 1: in the US are single, and the number of people 66 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 1: getting married in their thirties and even forties has risen 67 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,919 Speaker 1: significantly in the last few decades. So if you're in 68 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 1: your thirties and still not married, it's not a red flag. 69 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:34,359 Speaker 1: It's actually becoming more and more common. And research published 70 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 1: by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in twenty 71 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 1: twenty one also highlights that people in their thirties are 72 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:46,800 Speaker 1: better equipped for successful long term relationships. This is because 73 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:49,680 Speaker 1: by the time we reach this age, we're more self aware, 74 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,960 Speaker 1: have a better understanding of what we want, and have 75 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:58,720 Speaker 1: more emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of romantic relationships. 76 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 1: And that's really point there. There is no substitute for 77 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:09,440 Speaker 1: emotional maturity. Long term relationships require one thing, and one 78 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:14,360 Speaker 1: thing only maturity, and you can't substitute that. You can't 79 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:18,200 Speaker 1: manufacture that in your twenties. There was also something else 80 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,480 Speaker 1: that I read that was fascinating. A study published by 81 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,760 Speaker 1: the National Bureau of economic research found that people who 82 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:30,320 Speaker 1: marry later in life are happier in their marriages. Specifically, 83 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:34,720 Speaker 1: couples who marry in their thirties report higher levels of satisfaction, 84 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:40,599 Speaker 1: less stress, and a stronger emotional connection. What's the reason 85 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,279 Speaker 1: They've had more time to figure out their needs and 86 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:49,479 Speaker 1: find a partner who's truly compatible. I'm sharing that with 87 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:54,800 Speaker 1: you because I think we underestimate. We truly underestimate the 88 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,920 Speaker 1: power of what our thirties has. And another study by 89 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,080 Speaker 1: the University of caliph On your Berkeley revealed that people 90 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:06,039 Speaker 1: who marry later tend to be healthier. They report lower 91 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:11,080 Speaker 1: levels of depression and anxiety, and have better overall well being. 92 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: So let's really reframe the idea that you're behind. Let's 93 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 1: really reframe that thing that's stopping us from actually finding 94 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: love at this moment in our life. In our twenties, 95 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,800 Speaker 1: we're figuring out who we are. In our thirties, we're 96 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,040 Speaker 1: being clear about who we want. You're still trying to 97 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 1: figure out who you are in your twenties, your deal breakers, 98 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,839 Speaker 1: your red flags, your type, and whether you're into long 99 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,640 Speaker 1: term or casual relationships. In your thirties, you know what 100 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:46,080 Speaker 1: you want whether it's a relationship, casual dating, or just 101 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:49,920 Speaker 1: being on your own. You've got your deal breakers locked in. 102 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 1: You've spent time figuring out what you want because you've 103 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 1: been through plenty of bad experiences. I think it's really 104 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,799 Speaker 1: interesting how if you remember one of the first people 105 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,840 Speaker 1: you are long term relationship with, they just felt like 106 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,960 Speaker 1: the right person, not because you actually knew, but because 107 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,800 Speaker 1: you've just been with them for a long amount of time. 108 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,200 Speaker 1: And it's really interesting to me how the time bias 109 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: creeps in. If you've been with someone for a year 110 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 1: and they're your first serious relationship, you assume they must 111 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 1: be the one. Whereas in your thirties, when you've been 112 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 1: with someone for a year, even if it's feeling positive, 113 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: there's a part of you that wants to build on that. 114 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,400 Speaker 1: There's a part of you that wants to be clear 115 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,240 Speaker 1: about what you want. In your twenties, even if you're not, 116 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,560 Speaker 1: you're going to find people who are playing games. The 117 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:41,360 Speaker 1: difference is in your thirties you're playing it straight right. 118 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 1: In your twenties, if someone was playing games with you, you 119 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,280 Speaker 1: had to kind of figure out how to play games 120 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 1: with them. Maybe you stayed up all night trying to 121 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 1: decode every text, or maybe you wanted to make sure 122 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 1: you didn't come on too strong or stay too distant. 123 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,880 Speaker 1: If someone played games with you, you had to find a 124 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,960 Speaker 1: way to play games better. Maybe you were even the 125 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,920 Speaker 1: one who started the games. But in your thirties, you're 126 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 1: slowly getting that confidence to say what you mean. You're 127 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: getting the confidence to be into someone and be honest 128 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 1: with them. You also get the confidence to say this 129 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:21,240 Speaker 1: isn't for me. It's simpler. Right in your twenties, you 130 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:26,400 Speaker 1: either shifted, you pivoted, you molded, you played along. This time, 131 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:30,440 Speaker 1: it's game over, And I think that's a superpower. You've 132 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: outgrown the dating games. You don't have time to waste 133 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,560 Speaker 1: on mixed signals or mind games, and that's a really 134 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:42,120 Speaker 1: thing to be really important to take into consideration. In 135 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 1: your twenties, people played games with you, so you had 136 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:50,240 Speaker 1: to learn to play the game. In your thirties, you 137 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,960 Speaker 1: play it straight, so it's game over. There's no more 138 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 1: room for games. Now in your thirties, you're still figuring 139 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,560 Speaker 1: out who you are. But I promise you you're more clearer 140 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 1: on who you want. You're clearer because you know the 141 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:08,000 Speaker 1: mistakes you've made. And this may take a second to 142 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:13,040 Speaker 1: shift from self discovery to self assurance, but I encourage 143 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,720 Speaker 1: you to do it. Reflect on the mistakes you make, 144 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 1: Reflect on the bad decisions you made in your twenties. 145 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:23,240 Speaker 1: Take a moment to make a list of all the 146 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 1: men you dated in your twenties that weren't right for you. 147 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,600 Speaker 1: Take a moment to reflect on the women you dated 148 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,520 Speaker 1: that weren't the one for you. Why did you make 149 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 1: that mistake? What did you get misled by? Was it 150 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:39,400 Speaker 1: their aura? Was it their charisma? Was it their talent? 151 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: What was it about that person that distracted you away 152 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: from your values? And that's the other thing. In your thirties, 153 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,240 Speaker 1: you have a stronger take on what your values are. 154 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:56,040 Speaker 1: You have a stronger understanding and commitment to what your 155 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:59,160 Speaker 1: values are because you know what it feels like when 156 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:03,560 Speaker 1: you trade your value. You compromised your values in your twenties. 157 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:08,200 Speaker 1: You allowed yourself to be controlled. In your twenties, You 158 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,960 Speaker 1: allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your twenties. 159 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:16,559 Speaker 1: In your thirties, you're committed to your new set of values. 160 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,840 Speaker 1: In your thirties, you're committed to not being controlled, to 161 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,160 Speaker 1: not being played with there's a superpower in that, and 162 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,560 Speaker 1: I don't want you to lose sight of it. In 163 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:32,160 Speaker 1: your twenties, you ignored red flags. In your thirties, you're 164 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,840 Speaker 1: starting to trust your gut. In your twenties, you might 165 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,480 Speaker 1: ignore the little red flags, or you tell yourself you 166 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:43,800 Speaker 1: can change them. Later, in your thirties, you realize red 167 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:47,840 Speaker 1: flags are deal breakers, and if something feels off, you 168 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:51,720 Speaker 1: trust your gut and move faster. One of the biggest 169 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,400 Speaker 1: realizations in your thirties is you've learned the hard way 170 00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:00,559 Speaker 1: that ignoring warning signs only waste time. Trust in your 171 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:05,440 Speaker 1: instincts saves you drama. The big lesson here is in 172 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:11,040 Speaker 1: your thirties you've realized one thing. People don't change for people. 173 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:17,720 Speaker 1: People don't change for you. They change for themselves if 174 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 1: they want to, when they want to. You can't change 175 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 1: anyone else. You can't change someone. You can't change their priorities. 176 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,600 Speaker 1: You can't change their likes and dislikes. You can't change 177 00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 1: their focus. You can't change their ambition, you can't change 178 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:42,000 Speaker 1: their drive. In your twenties, you convinced yourself that you 179 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:45,840 Speaker 1: could change what that person aspired to be, that you 180 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: could edit, you could mold you could in some way 181 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:55,520 Speaker 1: inspire them to become different. In your thirties, you realize 182 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: that that's a person. They're not a project. They're a 183 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:04,920 Speaker 1: person and not a project. They're a human, not someone 184 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 1: that has to become a high performer because you want 185 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:15,200 Speaker 1: them to and they're a person, not potential. I couldn't 186 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,199 Speaker 1: be more excited to share something truly special with all 187 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,240 Speaker 1: you tea lovers out there. 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So visit Drinkjuni dot 204 00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 1: com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code 205 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:33,640 Speaker 1: on purpose to receive fifteen percent off your first order. 206 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:38,280 Speaker 1: That's drink Jauni dot com and make sure you use 207 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:44,880 Speaker 1: the code on purpose. In your thirties, you realize that's 208 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 1: a person, not a project. That's a person, not potential. 209 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: That's a person, not someone that I have to make 210 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: perform in the way I want them to. In your twenties, 211 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,440 Speaker 1: you convince to yourself that you might be able to 212 00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:07,479 Speaker 1: shift mold inspire, and it might even have been well intentioned, 213 00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:12,160 Speaker 1: but you now recognize that it isn't going to work 214 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 1: that way. It doesn't work that way, So you learn 215 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 1: the hard way. You're not going to ignore those little 216 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,720 Speaker 1: red flags anymore. You're going to raise them early. It's 217 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,360 Speaker 1: not that you run away or distance yourself. You're conscious 218 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: enough to make them a part of the conversation, to 219 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 1: make them a part of the dialogue. You value talking 220 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:41,480 Speaker 1: about difficult things. You value raising something, not worrying about 221 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,720 Speaker 1: whether it pushes someone away. Don't underestimate the power that 222 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: you have in your thirties. In your twenties, you are 223 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:56,440 Speaker 1: chasing sparks. In your thirties, you're seeking stability. In your twenties. 224 00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: You were infatuated with chemistry. In your thirties, you inspired 225 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 1: by compatibility. In your twenties, you chase that intense, emotive 226 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 1: firework feeling. In your thirties, you realized that solid, stable 227 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: communication and mutual respect is at the heart of a 228 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:22,520 Speaker 1: real connection. It's really interesting when you go through that shift, right. 229 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: You used to feel that you wanted this constant feeling 230 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,040 Speaker 1: of living on the edge. Oh my god, when are 231 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,120 Speaker 1: they going to message back? Oh my gosh, when are 232 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 1: they going to reply? Oh my god, what shall I 233 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,280 Speaker 1: tell them? Oh my god, when are they going to 234 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,520 Speaker 1: turn up? Oh my gosh, what are they going to do? Like? 235 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:41,240 Speaker 1: You lived in that conscious state of anxiety, of drama, 236 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:46,760 Speaker 1: of uncertainty, and where did it get? You left you heartbroken, 237 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: left you lonely. In your thirties, you realize someone who 238 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,480 Speaker 1: messages on time, that's the kind of person I want 239 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,040 Speaker 1: to be with. In your thirties, you realize someone who 240 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,800 Speaker 1: turns up on time, who shows up for me. Yeah, 241 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,360 Speaker 1: that's the kind of person I want to be with. 242 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,800 Speaker 1: In your thirties, you recognize, oh, yeah, that person who 243 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:09,040 Speaker 1: checks in with me. Oh, I really like that. I 244 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,880 Speaker 1: don't want someone who doesn't message back. I don't want 245 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,240 Speaker 1: someone who doesn't call it to check in. I don't 246 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,680 Speaker 1: want someone who makes up excuses every time we were 247 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:22,360 Speaker 1: meant to do something. Sure, it felt exciting to pursue 248 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 1: someone to have the chase, to feel like they may 249 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,760 Speaker 1: or may not want you and figure that out. But 250 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:31,880 Speaker 1: in your thirties you recognize, I want clarity. I want 251 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:38,560 Speaker 1: clarity over fake chemistry. I want spontaneity over a false spark. 252 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,840 Speaker 1: It's not that it has to get boring, but you 253 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:45,240 Speaker 1: realize the value in peace over drama. In your twenties, 254 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:50,120 Speaker 1: you might even have pursued drama. In your thirties, you 255 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 1: pursue peace and avoid trauma. You know what it feels like. 256 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: You don't want to invite that back into your life. 257 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 1: In your twenties, you might have settled for comfort. Maybe 258 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:07,000 Speaker 1: you even stayed in a relationship for too long. In 259 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:10,480 Speaker 1: your thirties, you're consciously holding out for the right fit. 260 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,919 Speaker 1: In your twenties, you might have settled, stayed somewhere for 261 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,440 Speaker 1: longer than you needed to, accepted less than you deserve, 262 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,720 Speaker 1: because you were worried about being lonely. In your thirties, 263 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:27,480 Speaker 1: you recognize that being alone is a part of life, 264 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:31,000 Speaker 1: and actually, when you can feel comfortable in that discomfort, 265 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,000 Speaker 1: that's when you can truly find and attract someone into 266 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,159 Speaker 1: your life. In your twenties, you might settle with someone 267 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,800 Speaker 1: because they're good enough or because you don't want to 268 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 1: be alone. In your thirties, you don't settle. You're clear 269 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,879 Speaker 1: that you'd rather be single than be in a relationship 270 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,040 Speaker 1: that doesn't feel right. You've figured out that being alone 271 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,720 Speaker 1: is better than being in a relationship that doesn't meet 272 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,640 Speaker 1: your need right. For people who feel pain of being single, 273 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,640 Speaker 1: it's important to remember this. There's the pain of being 274 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:07,280 Speaker 1: single and the pain of being in the wrong relationship, 275 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: and every time the pain of being in the wrong 276 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:15,560 Speaker 1: relationship is worse than the pain of being single. I 277 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,760 Speaker 1: know so many people who are married but want to 278 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 1: be divorced. I know so many people that are engaged 279 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,919 Speaker 1: but don't look forward to their wedding. I know so 280 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,280 Speaker 1: many people that have been married for years and don't 281 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:34,760 Speaker 1: know a way out. That is so much harder than 282 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:38,320 Speaker 1: trying to find the right person. It's so much harder 283 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,920 Speaker 1: than trying to ask the right questions. It's so much 284 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:48,480 Speaker 1: harder than being curious. Dating is hard, but divorce is harder. Right, 285 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,800 Speaker 1: Think about that for a second. It's a lot harder. 286 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,080 Speaker 1: It's how the mind is always the grass is greener 287 00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:58,840 Speaker 1: on the other side. And there's the famous quote that 288 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,800 Speaker 1: says the grosses and't greener on the other side. The 289 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,880 Speaker 1: grass is greener where you water it. And that's the 290 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,600 Speaker 1: shift I want you to take into your thirties. The 291 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,120 Speaker 1: grass is greener where you water it. Water it here, 292 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,600 Speaker 1: water it in your thirties. Stop thinking that your twenties 293 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,320 Speaker 1: were the best time to date. Not only are they 294 00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:21,240 Speaker 1: not coming back, you don't live there anymore. So we 295 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,400 Speaker 1: don't want to keep our minds somewhere that we can't 296 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:26,320 Speaker 1: go back to, in somewhere that we don't live right, 297 00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 1: We can't even visit it again. It's not even like 298 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,560 Speaker 1: a vacation that you want to go back to because 299 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,600 Speaker 1: you had such a good time. Knowing that time is 300 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:40,280 Speaker 1: moving forward, don't focus on moving backwards. Dating is hard, 301 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:45,880 Speaker 1: Divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard, Breaking up 302 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:51,320 Speaker 1: is harder. Being single is better than being with the 303 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:56,320 Speaker 1: wrong person. Being single is better than settling for the 304 00:19:56,320 --> 00:20:01,159 Speaker 1: wrong person, And being single is better and settling for 305 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:06,800 Speaker 1: less than you deserve. In your twenties, every breakup feels 306 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:11,960 Speaker 1: like the worst thing ever. In your thirties, you've recognized 307 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,520 Speaker 1: that you can bounce back stronger. In your twenties, a 308 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,560 Speaker 1: breakup can feel like the end of the world. In 309 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:23,439 Speaker 1: your thirties, you waste less time wallowing. You focus on 310 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:28,200 Speaker 1: healing yourself. You recognize that it's more something you want 311 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:31,320 Speaker 1: to do for yourself than to get over someone else. 312 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:37,760 Speaker 1: In your twenties, you think healing is getting closure. In 313 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:43,399 Speaker 1: your thirties, you realize healing is building confidence. In your twenties, 314 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:48,879 Speaker 1: you feel healing requires an apology from them. In your twenties, 315 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:54,800 Speaker 1: you realize healing requires you to forgive yourself. In your twenties, 316 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:59,959 Speaker 1: healing means trying to get over someone else. In your thirties, 317 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:05,600 Speaker 1: healing means doing it for yourself. It's a really powerful 318 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:10,359 Speaker 1: place to be because now every time you're healing, even 319 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:13,080 Speaker 1: if you are broken up with, even if you are mistreated, 320 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,919 Speaker 1: even if someone does take advantage of you, you're putting 321 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:23,480 Speaker 1: your energy and emphasis into yourself. You're using it as 322 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:29,399 Speaker 1: an investment in your self rather than an investment in 323 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:34,560 Speaker 1: someone else using brain power or brain energy elsewhere. In 324 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:41,679 Speaker 1: your twenties, you overthink every detail. In your thirties, you 325 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 1: experience and enjoy the moment. In your twenties, you might 326 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:51,520 Speaker 1: overanalyze every text, every date, every comment, wondering if they're 327 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:56,119 Speaker 1: the one, And in your thirties you slow down a little. 328 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,719 Speaker 1: I want you to slow down a little. Even if 329 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,280 Speaker 1: you are feeling pressure, I want you to take that 330 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,720 Speaker 1: pressure off. I want you to experience it for what 331 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:07,240 Speaker 1: it is. And maybe, as you've been listening to me, 332 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,000 Speaker 1: you're thinking, Jay, I'm not doing that in my thirties, 333 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,639 Speaker 1: I'm still feeling the pressure. Well. I want you to 334 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,560 Speaker 1: rise to this. In your thirties, you understand that relationships 335 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:17,840 Speaker 1: take time to unfold. You're cool with letting things develop 336 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:22,399 Speaker 1: naturally instead of rushing the process. This is how I 337 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,320 Speaker 1: want you to approach your thirties. Anything I might say, 338 00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:27,200 Speaker 1: you might even say, Jay, I don't really relate to that. 339 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,399 Speaker 1: I'm probably making the same mistakes. Well, this is what 340 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,520 Speaker 1: I want you to aspire for. This is what I 341 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,280 Speaker 1: want you to rise to, because that's how you do 342 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,439 Speaker 1: the work. That's how you make a shift in your life. 343 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:42,160 Speaker 1: In your twenties, you are riding the highs. In your thirties, 344 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,840 Speaker 1: you keep things grounded. In your twenties, you might get 345 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,080 Speaker 1: swept away in the excitement of the honeymoon phase and 346 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,359 Speaker 1: let the little things slide. In your thirties, you know, 347 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:56,040 Speaker 1: the honeymoon phase fades, so you look for someone who 348 00:22:56,080 --> 00:23:00,199 Speaker 1: can handle the lows as much as the highs. The 349 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,320 Speaker 1: best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst 350 00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:08,439 Speaker 1: times in the best ways. Let me say that again, 351 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:13,080 Speaker 1: the best relationships are the ones that deal with the 352 00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:18,080 Speaker 1: worst times in the best ways. The best relationships are 353 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:21,800 Speaker 1: not the ones with always having the best times, having 354 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 1: the best moments, having the best experiences. And in your thirties, 355 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:29,240 Speaker 1: you prepare for that. You prepare for that with your partner, 356 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:34,080 Speaker 1: You anticipate your first fight. You recognize how you handle disagreements, 357 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,159 Speaker 1: you think about it with that person, and if they 358 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,360 Speaker 1: don't want to think about that, then they're not your person. 359 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:44,119 Speaker 1: In your thirties, if someone doesn't treat you well, you 360 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 1: don't work harder. You move on. In your twenties, you 361 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:54,440 Speaker 1: would have shifted, changed, molded, transformed yourself to be liked, 362 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,520 Speaker 1: to be treated better. You would have worked harder to 363 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:02,560 Speaker 1: be treated better in your thirties. If you're not treated better, 364 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:07,800 Speaker 1: you don't work harder. You move on in your thirties. 365 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:12,879 Speaker 1: If people take advantage of you, you realize it's their loss. 366 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:17,040 Speaker 1: In your twenties, if people took advantage of you, you 367 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:20,280 Speaker 1: let them continue to do it because you believed it 368 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:25,000 Speaker 1: was your loss. If they left. In your thirties, if 369 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,119 Speaker 1: they don't like something about you, you don't change yourself 370 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,160 Speaker 1: in your twenties, you would have shape shifted in order 371 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:35,879 Speaker 1: to make things work. The three things you need to 372 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:39,359 Speaker 1: be really attentive about in your thirties is be better 373 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:43,960 Speaker 1: at noticing love bombing if someone comes on fast, slow 374 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:48,399 Speaker 1: it down if someone comes on too strong. Focus on 375 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:53,000 Speaker 1: building real strength. Don't let yourself be gas lip more 376 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:56,240 Speaker 1: than once. We all make mistakes, we all get fulled once, 377 00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:02,199 Speaker 1: don't get fulled twice, and rems. You are going to 378 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,399 Speaker 1: be a part of someone's healing and they're going to 379 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,480 Speaker 1: be a part of yours. Everyone's going to bring baggage 380 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,359 Speaker 1: in that thirties, and so are you. You just want 381 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:14,280 Speaker 1: someone who's willing to help you unpack and let you 382 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:18,720 Speaker 1: unpack theirs. That's what you need. I really hope that 383 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:22,359 Speaker 1: this has reinspired you for dating in your thirties, made 384 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:24,879 Speaker 1: you recognize that all the experiences you've had, all the 385 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 1: challenges you've had, all the pains you've had, have actually 386 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,159 Speaker 1: given you the insight the lessons to not make the 387 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:34,199 Speaker 1: same mistakes. But it's your job to slow down and 388 00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:38,399 Speaker 1: really reflect and take it in. Remember I'm always in 389 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:42,480 Speaker 1: your corner and forever rooting for you. Thanks for listening 390 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,120 Speaker 1: to on Purpose. If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going 391 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:50,520 Speaker 1: to love my conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens 392 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 1: up on how to stay with your partner when they're 393 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,479 Speaker 1: changing and the four check ins you should be doing 394 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,920 Speaker 1: in your relationship. We also talk about how to deal 395 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:03,480 Speaker 1: with the relationships when they're undistressed. If you're going through 396 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,560 Speaker 1: something right now with your partner, or someone you're seeing, 397 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:08,520 Speaker 1: This is the episode for you. 398 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,560 Speaker 2: No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new 399 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 2: technology and we've just taken it in hookline and sinker, 400 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,920 Speaker 2: and we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll 401 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,399 Speaker 2: just be thumbing through this stuff. You know, their mind's 402 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:23,280 Speaker 2: never sleeping.