Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2: I know you hate when.
Speaker 1: I repeat myself over and over, but I do it
Speaker 1: so if I've said this once, I have said it
Speaker 1: a thousand times. There is no relationship more difficult to
Speaker 1: navigate or heal than the one that involves a breakdown
Speaker 1: with your mother. Your mother is your heartbeat, and the
Speaker 1: first thing you heard as your life began was your
Speaker 1: mother's heartbeat. And moms, they do the best they can.
Speaker 1: Let me own that we do the best we can,
Speaker 1: but sometimes it will still result in traumatic experiences and
Speaker 1: negative stories that people carry around with them for years
Speaker 1: into their adulthood. Instead, we must learn to do the
Speaker 1: work that leads us into understanding and forgiveness. My first
Speaker 1: caller today is having flashbacks of demeaning experiences from her childhood,
Speaker 1: and I want to support her in growing through them
Speaker 1: into something new. Welcome, Beloved, Welcome to the Rspot where
Speaker 1: we talk about all things relationships, problems, issues, challenges, breakdowns
Speaker 1: and questions. Which one do you want to nibble on today?
Speaker 2: Talk to me?
Speaker 3: Okay. So I have a background in trauma, meaning I've
Speaker 3: come through a lot of trauma, and I find now
Speaker 3: as i move forward and I've been processing and I've
Speaker 3: gone through counseling, I find myself stuck and scared because
Speaker 3: I'm ready to move to a new point in my life,
Speaker 3: like I've been doing the work to get here, and
Speaker 3: it's it's just to get to that next level. Like
Speaker 3: what's been coming up now is memories. Like I was
Speaker 3: just laughing with my son that I dropped something on
Speaker 3: the table and the remark that came to me, even
Speaker 3: though I said it as funny, was one of those
Speaker 3: disdainful remarks from my past. And everybody, you know, my children,
Speaker 3: recognize that they know what it is. But that's instead
Speaker 3: of feeling like I'm leaving that behind, I feel like
Speaker 3: it's caught up with me.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense, Well, it does because anytime you
Speaker 1: declare yourself to be a thing, everything unlike it will
Speaker 1: show up. So if you declare yourself to be healed,
Speaker 1: every unhealed place is going to come up. If you
Speaker 1: declare yourself to be free, everything that keeps you enslaved
Speaker 1: is going to come up, and it's coming up for healing.
Speaker 1: It's coming to go. But we get stuck in the
Speaker 1: fact that it came up, and Oh, this should not
Speaker 1: be coming up because I've healed this, or this should
Speaker 1: not be coming up because I'm free of this. I
Speaker 1: went to therapy, I had full hypnosiscessions. I rubbed they
Speaker 1: crystals on my head. This should not be coming up.
Speaker 3: Okay, I get it. Get How does one distinguish between
Speaker 3: your intuition, because that's what I was never allowed to use.
Speaker 3: How does one distinguish when something is your intuition as
Speaker 3: opposed to something that's a trigger, a memory trigger.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. Okay, how do
Speaker 1: you just distinguished between your intuition and a memory trigger.
Speaker 3: I'm still fighting to understand that.
Speaker 1: Why do you need to understand it? Just look at
Speaker 1: what you've done, because the mere fact that you can
Speaker 1: ask the question means that you've already had the experience,
Speaker 1: but for some reason, you're not trusting what you did
Speaker 1: in the experience. Think about a time when you just
Speaker 1: followed your intuition and it took you where you wanted
Speaker 1: to be.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, it did, like like a river flower, Yes
Speaker 3: it is.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So what did you do?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 3: Many, I went to school, I had children, I got married,
Speaker 3: even though it wasn't the smartest decisions I made, but
Speaker 3: they went when I said, that's what I wanted to do.
Speaker 3: That's what enters my life immediately. Whereas this stage right here,
Speaker 3: I know I want to move to the next level,
Speaker 3: and I keep running against the wall and it feels
Speaker 3: like fear.
Speaker 5: Maybe you're not ready. Oh maybe you're not ready, or
Speaker 5: maybe you're being prepared. And maybe the way that you're
Speaker 5: being prepared, it's being care fronted, not confronted, but care
Speaker 5: fronted with all of these memory triggers so that you
Speaker 5: can practice how to move through them and keep going.
Speaker 5: Oh what if you want to move forward but you're
Speaker 5: not ready, because life is so wise, and life will
Speaker 5: keep us where we need to be until we're ready.
Speaker 3: My God, look right to my heart. Yes, ma'am, this.
Speaker 1: Is what I heard you say. What keeps coming up
Speaker 1: is memories of the disdainful remarks that I experienced in
Speaker 1: my past. So my question would be how do you
Speaker 1: deal with disdainful remarks today? Well, honestly, no, lie to me,
Speaker 1: lie to me, don't be honest.
Speaker 3: Sometimes sometimes I laugh at it, honestly when I hear it,
Speaker 3: because it sounds not only recognizable, but it's very nasty,
Speaker 3: mean the meaning words that were said all the time.
Speaker 1: That's how you experienced it at nasty mean, And and
Speaker 1: what if it was sad and it was just being
Speaker 1: voiced as well, that's what you say, but you don't
Speaker 1: know what the other person was experiencing.
Speaker 3: This is true, this is this, and this will always
Speaker 3: be the case because she's passed on. So I have
Speaker 3: to go by memory.
Speaker 1: No, you have to go by experience, not by memory.
Speaker 3: They're not the same.
Speaker 1: And here's the distinction. When you go by memory and
Speaker 1: you have the flashback, let's say, of that comment, you
Speaker 1: retraumatize yourself by remembering what was said and how you
Speaker 1: reacted and what it led to and how it changed you.
Speaker 1: And that's memory. When you have the experience, it's just
Speaker 1: that's what you just said. I grew up in an
Speaker 1: environment where mean and nasty things were common, and whatever
Speaker 1: they were going through that caused them to behave that way.
Speaker 1: I'm willing to forgive it so I can move on.
Speaker 3: I got you.
Speaker 1: That's why I ask you, how do you respond to
Speaker 1: disdainful remarks today? Do you go back to what it was?
Speaker 1: Or do you make a new choice about how to
Speaker 1: respond to it today? Because you made up that they
Speaker 1: were just mean and nasty vipers, they could have been broken, wounded,
Speaker 1: mentally imbalanced, emotionally bankrupt. You don't know what it was.
Speaker 1: You only know how you experienced it.
Speaker 3: How do I respond to it now?
Speaker 1: Yeah, when people, when you hear disdainful comments today, how
Speaker 1: do you respond to them?
Speaker 3: I tend to either freeze or explode.
Speaker 1: Just like back then. But back then you couldn't explode,
Speaker 1: so you froze, and that's where the stuckness is. That's
Speaker 1: where the stuckness is. So what I want to offer
Speaker 1: you is and this may be the ready ing that
Speaker 1: the universe is doing for you while you haven't really
Speaker 1: moved forward, but you can't move forwards freezing or or exploding.
Speaker 2: That's not going to work.
Speaker 1: Okay, When you hear a disdainful comment, or when a
Speaker 1: memory comes up, when a flashback comes.
Speaker 2: Up, pivot, do something different.
Speaker 1: Don't do what you did then don't even do what
Speaker 1: you do now. Pivot stop, take a breath, observe what's
Speaker 1: going on in your body, and then proceed in another direction.
Speaker 1: Don't try to move on, don't try to make sense
Speaker 1: of it, don't try to excuse it, explain it.
Speaker 2: Take a breath.
Speaker 1: Who that hit me?
Speaker 2: Where did it hit me?
Speaker 1: In my heart and my foot and my eye and
Speaker 1: my lip in my ear reminded me of back then,
Speaker 1: So let me go over here and do something different.
Speaker 1: Because I couldn't run away back then. I had to
Speaker 1: stay back then, So I don't want to be frozen.
Speaker 1: Let me proceed in another direction. But the important part
Speaker 1: of that, beloved, is the observation part. Stay present to
Speaker 1: the feeling that comes up when you hear a disdainful
Speaker 1: comment or when you experience something from the past. Stay
Speaker 1: present with it. You don't have to do anything about it,
Speaker 1: but don't run from it and say oooh that sure
Speaker 1: felt harsh or that made me feel this or whatever
Speaker 1: it is. Stay with it, observe it, become aware of it,
Speaker 1: and then pivot.
Speaker 2: Go in another direction.
Speaker 3: You are amazing. Thank you.
Speaker 1: When you first started talking, I wrote down four questions
Speaker 1: that I would like you to work with as you
Speaker 1: move through these traumas that keep coming up. Because I
Speaker 1: suspect and I could be wrong. I'm always willing to
Speaker 1: be wrong that the way you are dealing with these
Speaker 1: memories is re traumatizing you. I could be wrong. We
Speaker 1: are going to get into those four questions right after
Speaker 1: this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Right before
Speaker 1: the break, I was about to ask my caller four
Speaker 1: questions about her traumatic childhood experiences as a way to
Speaker 1: help her get to the root of the issue.
Speaker 2: Here are those questions.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't wonder what is the story you tell.
Speaker 2: Yourself about the trauma?
Speaker 1: And what I mean by that it shouldn't have happened.
Speaker 1: They knew better, they didn't they felt this way, or
Speaker 1: they didn't like me, they didn't love me, they didn't care.
Speaker 1: But what is the story you tell yourself about the trauma?
Speaker 1: That's one question. What is the story you tell yourself
Speaker 1: about who visited the trauma upon you? I sense I
Speaker 1: don't know this to be true. It was your mother
Speaker 1: or your parents, or whoever the female was that raised you, Yeah,
Speaker 1: what do you tell yourself about her? And that's important because,
Speaker 1: particularly if it was your mother or your Grandma in
Speaker 1: that line, because you came your bone of their bone,
Speaker 1: your flesh of their flesh. So whatever you're telling yourself
Speaker 1: about them, there's a part that believes that.
Speaker 2: To be true about you.
Speaker 3: That's true.
Speaker 1: Oh, I guess I'm good. I might call me in
Speaker 1: have a conversation. The other question, I said, what is
Speaker 1: the story you tell yourself about what the trauma has
Speaker 1: changed in you? What has it caused in you? And
Speaker 1: what has it changed in you?
Speaker 3: People talk about that childhood where you're running, you're jumping puddles,
Speaker 3: and you're you're you don't think about responsibility, you don't
Speaker 3: think about tomorrow. You just enjoy the moment. That is
Speaker 3: something that I do not know how to do. Like
Speaker 3: the idea of running into a puddle and stomping in
Speaker 3: it just for the joy of it. Before I even
Speaker 3: think about it, I think of okay, first of trauma.
Speaker 3: Then then I've got to clean myself up, and then
Speaker 3: you're going to look to every I don't do that,
Speaker 3: and sometimes it really does, like I feel it because
Speaker 3: I want to be spontaneous in the morning moment. I
Speaker 3: want to enjoy my own creativity. But but that's a block.
Speaker 3: I still have not been able to get back.
Speaker 1: So the next time it rains, go do it. Go
Speaker 1: to the park, go jump in the puddle, and not
Speaker 1: only go jump in the puddle, jump in the puddle
Speaker 1: in white clothes.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I don't own any white call for
Speaker 3: that reason.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 3: Honestly only I honestly, even my wedding dress was not white.
Speaker 3: I made it bone instead of right. I don't wear
Speaker 3: white for that very reason.
Speaker 1: Well, wear some white. How about you wear white for
Speaker 1: the next fourteen days, Go buy someone wear some.
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: Okay, because it seems like you may have an aversion
Speaker 1: to or an addiction to perfection, because your imperfections will highlighted.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think addiction to perfection or attempted yes, ma'am.
Speaker 2: Would that be accurate? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, So go get you some white clothes, oh boy.
Speaker 1: And the next time it rains, go to the park
Speaker 1: and just jump in a puddle. Jump in a puddle.
Speaker 1: And when you have to go home and clean yourself,
Speaker 1: have fun with it. You have fun, I mean, because
Speaker 1: you're just going to reverse that experience.
Speaker 2: But look at those four questions.
Speaker 1: What is the story you told yourself about trauma, about
Speaker 1: the what is the story you told yourself about who
Speaker 1: visited it upon you. And when I say the story
Speaker 1: you tell yourself, I'm talking about what is it that
Speaker 1: you looked at that person and said, they shouldn't do this.
Speaker 1: They know better. They do it because they hate me.
Speaker 1: They do it because they're wretched, because I'm wretched. What
Speaker 1: is that story? You've got to dismantle that and stay
Speaker 1: present with the feelings. What is the story you tell
Speaker 1: yourself about what it caused you? And what is the
Speaker 1: story you tell yourself about how it changed you? Because, beloved,
Speaker 1: you may be more attached to the trauma than you
Speaker 1: are to your healing.
Speaker 3: You're right about that. That's a concern of mind that,
Speaker 3: now that I'm actually ready to step into the healing,
Speaker 3: like to live it, I'm afraid to do that. I'm
Speaker 3: afraid of who I'm going to become.
Speaker 1: Because who you're going to become is a contradiction to
Speaker 1: who they told you you were or who they led
Speaker 1: you to believe you were. So you're getting ready to
Speaker 1: contradict that, and the little girl in you has a
Speaker 1: fear of contradicting.
Speaker 2: The big people. Oh amen, give you four questions.
Speaker 1: I really want you to work with them, work with
Speaker 1: them in your journal, work with them in your prayer,
Speaker 1: work with them right, and write this down. Nothing is permanent,
Speaker 1: so the trauma isn't permanent, but you may be telling
Speaker 1: yourself that what it caused in you cannot be changed.
Speaker 3: Got it.
Speaker 1: Nothing is perfect nothing. Nothing is perfect, no relationship, no person,
Speaker 1: no healing modality. Nothing is perfect. And you have an
Speaker 1: addiction to perfection. I gotta get it right, I gotta
Speaker 1: do it right. I gotta be right. I want you
Speaker 1: to think of that in a different way instead of
Speaker 1: saying I've got to be right. I'm willing to be wrong. Yeah,
Speaker 1: take a breath. I'm willing to mess up. I'm willing
Speaker 1: to look stupid. I'm willing. All you got to do
Speaker 1: is be willing. If you're fifty one percent willing, the
Speaker 1: Holy Spirit will give you the other forty nine percent.
Speaker 4: Wow.
Speaker 1: Willing to be wrong, I'm willing to mess up. I'm
Speaker 1: willing to be embarrassed. I'm willing to make a fool
Speaker 1: out of myself. I'm willing. I'm willing.
Speaker 6: Wow.
Speaker 1: I remember being challenged by that, not only because I'm
Speaker 1: a virgo and I'm obsessive, but because I also I
Speaker 1: grew up in an environment where I didn't have to
Speaker 1: be right, but I couldn't be wrong.
Speaker 2: I could not be wrong.
Speaker 1: There's a very slight distinction, and I won't go into
Speaker 1: that now, but I remember one of my teachers says,
Speaker 1: I want you to go buy an outfit that you
Speaker 1: would never wear. Polka dot skirt, plaid shirt, you know, white, go,
Speaker 1: go boots, whatever it is. He said, I want you
Speaker 1: to go, and I want you to go to three
Speaker 1: places in that outfit.
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2: Go to the.
Speaker 1: Walmart, go to the supermarket, go to the you know,
Speaker 1: go to the mall and walk around and live through
Speaker 1: people staring at you, pointing or what you think people
Speaker 1: will be staring at you, because nowadays, with green hair
Speaker 1: and piercings in your eyebrows, people won't even look. But
Speaker 1: you know, but it's not for them, it's for you
Speaker 1: to know. You can look like that, be like that
Speaker 1: and survive.
Speaker 3: That's true.
Speaker 1: So I went and got some of them tied up
Speaker 1: orthopedic shoes that I would would you know, just kill me,
Speaker 1: I would never be caught dead, and that. I got
Speaker 1: me a wig and put it on backwards, and I
Speaker 1: got me a church lady hat and put the hat
Speaker 1: on top of the wig, and I got I had
Speaker 1: on like a I don't know, some kind of plaid
Speaker 1: polyester skirt and just something. I mean, it was just ridiculous.
Speaker 1: I just went to the thrift shop and bought, you know,
Speaker 1: fifteen dollars worth of clothes, and went to the mall
Speaker 1: and walked around. And I wasn't even looking at the people.
Speaker 1: I just wanted to deal with the feelings that I
Speaker 1: had as they came. Okay, who's looking at me? And
Speaker 1: what are they say? I mean, you know, And then
Speaker 1: I went to the counter to try to buy something,
Speaker 1: and you know, I think was red lipstick. Because I
Speaker 1: grew up in a strictly religious environment where you couldn't
Speaker 1: wear a lipstick. I went to the counter, looking like
Speaker 1: a fool in them clothes and try it on every
Speaker 1: red lipstick I could possibly put my hands on, and
Speaker 1: dealt with the feeling of it. And I stayed, stayed
Speaker 1: with the feeling. Stay with the feeling, and then when
Speaker 1: the feeling comes up and you observe what.
Speaker 2: It is, then pivot and do something else.
Speaker 1: Buy the red lipstick, take the wig off, scratch your head,
Speaker 1: then put the wig back on in public. You know,
Speaker 1: something that you would rather die than to see people,
Speaker 1: you know, because people buy these wigs thinking that this
Speaker 1: their hair, ain't your hair. Take it off in public, scratch,
Speaker 1: oh gosh, and then put the wig back on backwards. Okay.
Speaker 1: And the next time it rains, get you something white
Speaker 1: and go play in the mud.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 1: So nothing is permanent, nothing is perfect, and this one
Speaker 1: is going to choke you. Nothing is personal. It ain't personal, baby,
Speaker 1: It's an experience. It ain't personal at it.
Speaker 3: Wow, okay, all right, thank you.
Speaker 1: Yes, in about six weeks, let me know how you're doing.
Speaker 1: And keep listening to the r spots.
Speaker 3: I will be, I will be. Oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, my love, bye bye bye bye. Now listen,
Speaker 1: it is so important that you are ready to do
Speaker 1: the work that.
Speaker 2: Is required to heal.
Speaker 1: And my caller today is not yet ready to forgive
Speaker 1: her mother because she hasn't fully unpacked her feelings about
Speaker 1: the experience. And that's okay. And as I said, it
Speaker 1: may not even be about my caller forgiving her mother,
Speaker 1: because before you can forgive someone for something, you must
Speaker 1: understand how you feel about what you have experienced and
Speaker 1: how you are reacting to it, and that has nothing
Speaker 1: to do with the other person. That's about you, boo,
Speaker 1: and all of that your feelings. The experience is how
Speaker 1: you're reacted. That has to be unpacked. And when you
Speaker 1: have a breakdown with your mother, whether she's alive or not,
Speaker 1: whether you consider it to be her fault or not,
Speaker 1: the healing is your responsibility. My next call is dealing
Speaker 1: with a similar issue, but he has taken hits to
Speaker 1: his own self image because of his childhood, when in
Speaker 1: reality he is a powerful, strong person who just needs
Speaker 1: some guidance and will get into his.
Speaker 2: Call right after the break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Our Spot Today we are talking
Speaker 1: about childhood trauma and growing into forgiveness with your mother,
Speaker 1: and we're welcoming my second caller for today, a conversation
Speaker 1: that I think many of you will really gain a
Speaker 1: lot from. Let's listen. Hello, good afternoon, the love it
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Our Spot. How can I support you today?
Speaker 1: What is your dilemma, challenge issue as it relates to relationships.
Speaker 4: Yes, ma'am, I was calling you today to discuss the
Speaker 4: relationship with my parents. I don't really feel as though
Speaker 4: we haven't been close. Everett, and I've been twenty nine
Speaker 4: years old. I've really been kind of speaking next one
Speaker 4: on one time with them, and if I try to
Speaker 4: express myself, I've always been told that basically like my
Speaker 4: feelings don't matter. I mean, they apologize to the way
Speaker 4: they know how. But I feel like sometimes that I've
Speaker 4: been the parent and that's unfair to me because I'm
Speaker 4: the oldest child. But aside from that, I do think
Speaker 4: I've ever had a time to just just leave my
Speaker 4: shoulder on my parents and sell them to be there
Speaker 4: for me. I've always had to seek that love that
Speaker 4: I've yearned for from other people.
Speaker 1: I want you to know that I heard you, and
Speaker 1: what I heard you say is that you're seeking a
Speaker 1: better relationship with your parents, that you want to know
Speaker 1: that they support you, and that you've never really had
Speaker 1: the opportunity to share with them the truth of your heart. Yes, Neil,
Speaker 1: and now at the age of twenty nine, this has
Speaker 1: become important to you to be able to have a
Speaker 1: deeper relationship with your parents. Why do you think it's
Speaker 1: so important to you now?
Speaker 4: In order for me to do the things I want
Speaker 4: to do, I feel like I need to them and
Speaker 4: I feel like that's okay to want toff and yearn
Speaker 4: that because they're a lie, they're capable. It's just not
Speaker 4: I don't feel like I've ever been a priority. I'm
Speaker 4: trying not to let it hinder me too much, but
Speaker 4: I've unfortunately us with a lot of traumatic abits throughout
Speaker 4: my life. I'm at a place right now to whereas
Speaker 4: though me being quiet is making me ill and I
Speaker 4: don't want to be like study. So I'm trying to
Speaker 4: express myself because I'm at a place in my life
Speaker 4: to work. So I want to not only make an
Speaker 4: impact on the world, but I want to share my
Speaker 4: journey to see a sense of inspiration illumination to someone else.
Speaker 4: But in order for me to do that, I really
Speaker 4: got to heal a lot of stuff that happens to
Speaker 4: me before. And I feel like just in the older
Speaker 4: I get I'm like, i feel like I'm forgotten about
Speaker 4: like that, I'm genuinely thankful and honor to have them,
Speaker 4: But at the same time, since they are here, since
Speaker 4: they are capable of yearned for that versus me just
Speaker 4: happened to always look up to God or my ancestors
Speaker 4: or someone else's parents, are real there I want mine,
Speaker 4: and I feel like that's okay.
Speaker 1: First of all, I want to thank you for trusting me, well,
Speaker 1: first for trusting yourself and then me, and then this
Speaker 1: our spot community with your vulnerability. Vulnerability is something that
Speaker 1: scares a lot of people. And even though we can't
Speaker 1: see you, your voice communicates and your voice touches us
Speaker 1: in our soft places. So that says to me that
Speaker 1: you are in a place of learning to trust that
Speaker 1: you can be safe in sharing the vulnerability of your heart.
Speaker 1: So I want to acknowledge you for that. That's number one, Okay,
Speaker 1: thank you. Number two, I want you to hear this.
Speaker 1: I want you to hear this with every fiber of
Speaker 1: your being. Okay. The best students get the hardest tests.
Speaker 1: The best students don't get the multiple choice tests ABCD,
Speaker 1: where you could guess the right answers sixty percent of
Speaker 1: the time. The best students don't get true and false.
Speaker 1: They don't So your life is not multiple choice or
Speaker 1: true and false. Your life is fill in the blank.
Speaker 1: Why because you can handle it, Yes, ma'am. The best
Speaker 1: students get the hardest test Why because they are learning
Speaker 1: and learning to master what it is they're going to
Speaker 1: have to walk out, live and demonstrate for others. So
Speaker 1: the wisdom of the universe would take you into a
Speaker 1: life experience where you have parents who don't give you
Speaker 1: what it is you think you need, but you're not
Speaker 1: going to handle it. If you continue to stay in
Speaker 1: the place of wishing and hoping and yearning for something
Speaker 1: that you don't have and may never get, you are
Speaker 1: assuming it's an assumption that your parents know how to
Speaker 1: give you the love you want. You're assuming that because
Speaker 1: every child thinks their parents should know. You should they
Speaker 1: should know, they should know, and they can do it.
Speaker 1: They're just not doing it. What good reason would they
Speaker 1: have for not doing it? What do you tell yourself
Speaker 1: is their reason for not doing it?
Speaker 4: I think that sometimes they don't give that to me
Speaker 4: because that's probably not something that they were used to
Speaker 4: grown up.
Speaker 6: Yeah, mental health is important, and that's not something that's
Speaker 6: always been discussed in my family.
Speaker 4: Mental like coexisting and making sure that your grades are
Speaker 4: good or school and you're doing well and staying out
Speaker 4: of trouble. Those things have always been advocated of mental
Speaker 4: health and just taking time to stop and feel your emotions,
Speaker 4: understand them and let them pass. These are not things
Speaker 4: that I've had the opportunity to discuss in my family,
Speaker 4: even going back to my grandparents. So I tried to
Speaker 4: be very understanding and before I I just try to
Speaker 4: make people aware and espress myself more because I've never
Speaker 4: really been good at that growing up as a child.
Speaker 4: I've always just followed it up, followed it up, out
Speaker 4: of it up. I don't know. I guess there's still
Speaker 4: that inner child in me that still is there.
Speaker 1: I want to talk to the six year old little
Speaker 1: boy who's leaving home to go to school. It's going
Speaker 1: to be around other kids and see other kids with
Speaker 1: their mothers and fathers. Who's going to make up that
Speaker 1: they go home and their life is much better than his.
Speaker 1: I want to talk to him. Is he around?
Speaker 4: It's okay here the kwan.
Speaker 1: Honey, listen. I know you may not understand this. I
Speaker 1: know this may be hard for you to hear. But
Speaker 1: your parents don't have what you want. It's not your fault.
Speaker 1: It's not even about you. They don't have it, baby,
Speaker 1: And in fact, you may be the healthiest one in
Speaker 1: the room. And that's because you're a good student of life. Life,
Speaker 1: and that's because God source your creator, knew you could
Speaker 1: handle this. It's gonna be hard, baby, but he knew.
Speaker 4: You could handle it, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: So what I want you to do, du Quan is
Speaker 1: I want you to depend on the big du Quan,
Speaker 1: the twenty nine year old du Quan, to give you
Speaker 1: what you think your parents didn't because they don't have it. Ma'am,
Speaker 1: I want to talk to the big du Quan, the
Speaker 1: twenty nine year old Daquan. The best students get the
Speaker 1: hardest test, and right now your test is learning how
Speaker 1: to parent yourself. I know that's not what you want,
Speaker 1: but hey, you know I want to be rich in that.
Speaker 1: But yat, I ain't got it.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna get there.
Speaker 1: I want you to hear what I'm saying. Do not
Speaker 1: continue to abuse six year old du Quan by you
Speaker 1: at twenty nine yearning for something he didn't get. Give
Speaker 1: it to him. Give yourself that time, that energy, that attention,
Speaker 1: take care of you, talk to him, trust your vulnerabilities,
Speaker 1: and it looks this way because you can handle it.
Speaker 1: Did you grow up in the church, Yes, okay, So
Speaker 1: I'm going to take you to one of my favorite
Speaker 1: places in the Bible, psalms in the Psalms. I call
Speaker 1: him the peace Lambs, because if you really want to
Speaker 1: get some truth and some healing, go to the psalms. Okay,
Speaker 1: and there's a psalm that says, when my father and
Speaker 1: my mother forsake me, then the Lord, the Love, the truth,
Speaker 1: the spirit, the soul of who I am will lift
Speaker 1: me up. The twenty nine year old has to lift
Speaker 1: that six year old up. And here's how you're going
Speaker 1: to start. What would be different had your parents loved
Speaker 1: you the way you wanted them to love you.
Speaker 2: What would be different?
Speaker 4: I would be adjusted to express it myself. So and
Speaker 4: I feel like sometimes it's a crime to do that.
Speaker 4: I feel like when I try to just genuinely express that,
Speaker 4: but it's always my faults. Oh, it's your culture. You
Speaker 4: know you're upset. No, I don't know. I don't like
Speaker 4: to feel like I'm the bad guy for expressing myself.
Speaker 1: If your parents had been who you wanted them to be,
Speaker 1: you would be able to express yourself better. First of all,
Speaker 1: I want you to know that on this call, you've
Speaker 1: expressed yourself very well, but okay, and maybe that you
Speaker 1: want them to agree with what you're expressing, not that
Speaker 1: you can't express yourself, but that they don't agree with
Speaker 1: what you express. Is that a possibility, yes, ma'am. Okay,
Speaker 1: So it's not that you could express yourself, but if
Speaker 1: your parents had been who you want them to be,
Speaker 1: they would agree with me. That's what you tell yourself.
Speaker 1: That's not true. That's not true that they would agree
Speaker 1: with you. You don't know that to be true. You could
Speaker 1: express yourself perfectly, clearly and they still don't agree with you.
Speaker 4: You know, when I feel like I can't do it
Speaker 4: with people or being misunderstood, just going somewhere to where
Speaker 4: so I know that I don't have to worry about
Speaker 4: soo and judging. Is that's like a microphone or just
Speaker 4: singing or trying to do something that's always been my avenue.
Speaker 1: Well, healing is a process. It's not going to happen overnight.
Speaker 4: One day at a time, ayanas. I definitely am learning that.
Speaker 4: And I'm not one to be yearning for everybody like me.
Speaker 4: I'm not that kind of guy. But those two, but
Speaker 4: my parents, for sure, that's like something.
Speaker 1: That they don't have it. They don't have it. So
Speaker 1: let me tell you about the ruthlessness of the ego.
Speaker 1: The ego that wants us to believe that were separate
Speaker 1: from God. The ego that wants us to believe that
Speaker 1: we're not good enough, The ego that wants us to
Speaker 1: believe that we're little and insignificant.
Speaker 2: The ego.
Speaker 1: So, the ego has you wanting something that you cannot have.
Speaker 1: You cannot have now at twenty nine, the love your
Speaker 1: parents didn't give you at four five six, you cannot
Speaker 1: have it, and the ego will give you all manner. Well,
Speaker 1: look what they're doing over there, Look how they treat them,
Speaker 1: Look what they say to them, Look how they're doing this.
Speaker 1: They should know that's ego. So your first commandment has
Speaker 1: to be I shall not want what I cannot have.
Speaker 1: That's the first commandment. And it's sad. Why because it's
Speaker 1: your learning curriculum. To stop wanting what you cannot have
Speaker 1: and stop wishing things were any different than they were before,
Speaker 1: and to forgive yourself for thinking that had you had it,
Speaker 1: it would be different. At twenty nine, you're gonna have
Speaker 1: self esteem issues. At twenty nine, you're gonna have confidence
Speaker 1: issues that'll settle out when you get.
Speaker 2: To be around thirty three thirty five.
Speaker 1: Learn to trust yourself, hold yourself differently inside. Learn how
Speaker 1: to give that six year old boy that means you
Speaker 1: what it is you think your parents should have given you.
Speaker 1: Learn how to give that little six year old attention.
Speaker 1: Learn how to listen. When you find yourself irritable or
Speaker 1: upset or breaking down, ask yourself, what am I wanting
Speaker 1: that I cannot have because you can't go back and
Speaker 1: get that. That's done and love them, bless them. That's
Speaker 1: all you can do. And you're learning to accept them
Speaker 1: just as they are, and maybe one day you can
Speaker 1: express to them. You know, there's a lot I wish
Speaker 1: you had given me that you didn't, but I'm learning
Speaker 1: how to give it to myself. And I forgive you
Speaker 1: for not having what.
Speaker 4: I need, yes, ma'am. And I'm going to swallow that
Speaker 4: and just take it and said, that's something I have
Speaker 4: to face, and I appreciate you for expressing that. And
Speaker 4: this is Paul call is not to ever to Yeah,
Speaker 4: my parents said, I love them genuinely, but at the
Speaker 4: same time you're write I have to you nine year old.
Speaker 4: The kun is finally learning to slowly but surely, because
Speaker 4: Rome wasn't built in a day to deal with that.
Speaker 4: And I know that's how I having one hundred percent
Speaker 4: heal from it. But I am definitely willing to put
Speaker 4: in that work, and I know it all starts with me.
Speaker 1: Stop trying to fix yourself. Stop trying to figure this out.
Speaker 1: Ask God, life, source, the Holy Spirit, whoever you turn
Speaker 1: to help me, help me see this differently, help me
Speaker 1: do this differently. Help me feel better right now. Stop
Speaker 1: trying to fix yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. You're a
Speaker 1: good student, and it's okay to be the healthiest person
Speaker 1: in the room. Don't go in the room and say,
Speaker 1: oh my god, everybody in here is broken. Say oh
Speaker 1: my god, I'm the healthiest person in the room. What
Speaker 1: do I need to do to be healthy in this moment?
Speaker 2: Does that make sense?
Speaker 4: Yes? Suggests?
Speaker 2: Can you do it?
Speaker 4: That's suit you it.
Speaker 2: So, what is going to be your next step?
Speaker 4: Well, to accept the truth, to make myself happy, and
Speaker 4: three accomplish everything that I to die in this lifetime
Speaker 4: and swell, that's what my next steps up.
Speaker 1: You wanna call me in six weeks and let me
Speaker 1: know how you're doing. Yes, okay, all right, my love,
Speaker 1: be well.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much, God, pleasure, Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: Mister Okay, bye bye.
Speaker 1: Growing past childhood traumas can take an enormous amount of
Speaker 1: energy and effort.
Speaker 2: That's what we call work.
Speaker 1: Why because you've been carrying it around with you for
Speaker 1: so long. Now it's challenging work, but it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be hard. First, you must recognize and unpack your
Speaker 1: feelings about what you experienced as a child. Then you
Speaker 1: have to identify and understand the stories you've told yourself
Speaker 1: about those experiences. After that, you must put yourself on
Speaker 1: the path to forgiveness. Now it may be a long road,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't have to be a difficult road, because
Speaker 1: the thing is, you don't just want to say the
Speaker 1: words about forgiveness. You want to experience forgiveness. When you
Speaker 1: unpack your feelings and you understand the story, you are
Speaker 1: moving on the path of experiencing forgiveness. But I'm here
Speaker 1: to tell you that no matter what the situation is,
Speaker 1: it's all about you, boo, and it's up to you
Speaker 1: to do the work and take the steps towards your
Speaker 1: own healing. And you can do that if you're willing
Speaker 1: to put in the time, the energy, and the effort.
Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone and if
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then.
Speaker 2: Stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a.
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