1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,720 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:08,640 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:32,880 Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 6 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 2: I know you hate when. 7 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,839 Speaker 1: I repeat myself over and over, but I do it 8 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,479 Speaker 1: so if I've said this once, I have said it 9 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:49,519 Speaker 1: a thousand times. There is no relationship more difficult to 10 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:55,560 Speaker 1: navigate or heal than the one that involves a breakdown 11 00:00:55,640 --> 00:01:00,200 Speaker 1: with your mother. Your mother is your heartbeat, and the 12 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:05,959 Speaker 1: first thing you heard as your life began was your 13 00:01:05,959 --> 00:01:10,280 Speaker 1: mother's heartbeat. And moms, they do the best they can. 14 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,839 Speaker 1: Let me own that we do the best we can, 15 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:17,840 Speaker 1: but sometimes it will still result in traumatic experiences and 16 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:22,640 Speaker 1: negative stories that people carry around with them for years 17 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:28,319 Speaker 1: into their adulthood. Instead, we must learn to do the 18 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:34,679 Speaker 1: work that leads us into understanding and forgiveness. My first 19 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:40,559 Speaker 1: caller today is having flashbacks of demeaning experiences from her childhood, 20 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:44,360 Speaker 1: and I want to support her in growing through them 21 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:51,640 Speaker 1: into something new. Welcome, Beloved, Welcome to the Rspot where 22 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:56,600 Speaker 1: we talk about all things relationships, problems, issues, challenges, breakdowns 23 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,280 Speaker 1: and questions. Which one do you want to nibble on today? 24 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 2: Talk to me? 25 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,600 Speaker 3: Okay. So I have a background in trauma, meaning I've 26 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 3: come through a lot of trauma, and I find now 27 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,799 Speaker 3: as i move forward and I've been processing and I've 28 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:16,959 Speaker 3: gone through counseling, I find myself stuck and scared because 29 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,680 Speaker 3: I'm ready to move to a new point in my life, 30 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 3: like I've been doing the work to get here, and 31 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:28,120 Speaker 3: it's it's just to get to that next level. Like 32 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:31,920 Speaker 3: what's been coming up now is memories. Like I was 33 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:36,200 Speaker 3: just laughing with my son that I dropped something on 34 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:40,680 Speaker 3: the table and the remark that came to me, even 35 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,280 Speaker 3: though I said it as funny, was one of those 36 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:47,639 Speaker 3: disdainful remarks from my past. And everybody, you know, my children, 37 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 3: recognize that they know what it is. But that's instead 38 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 3: of feeling like I'm leaving that behind, I feel like 39 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:55,880 Speaker 3: it's caught up with me. 40 00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:00,360 Speaker 1: Does that make sense, Well, it does because anytime you 41 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:04,119 Speaker 1: declare yourself to be a thing, everything unlike it will 42 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,960 Speaker 1: show up. So if you declare yourself to be healed, 43 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,920 Speaker 1: every unhealed place is going to come up. If you 44 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 1: declare yourself to be free, everything that keeps you enslaved 45 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,680 Speaker 1: is going to come up, and it's coming up for healing. 46 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,360 Speaker 1: It's coming to go. But we get stuck in the 47 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 1: fact that it came up, and Oh, this should not 48 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 1: be coming up because I've healed this, or this should 49 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,720 Speaker 1: not be coming up because I'm free of this. I 50 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,560 Speaker 1: went to therapy, I had full hypnosiscessions. I rubbed they 51 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,120 Speaker 1: crystals on my head. This should not be coming up. 52 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 3: Okay, I get it. Get How does one distinguish between 53 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:48,119 Speaker 3: your intuition, because that's what I was never allowed to use. 54 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 3: How does one distinguish when something is your intuition as 55 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:57,200 Speaker 3: opposed to something that's a trigger, a memory trigger. 56 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,560 Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. Okay, how do 57 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 1: you just distinguished between your intuition and a memory trigger. 58 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 3: I'm still fighting to understand that. 59 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,720 Speaker 1: Why do you need to understand it? Just look at 60 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,840 Speaker 1: what you've done, because the mere fact that you can 61 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:15,120 Speaker 1: ask the question means that you've already had the experience, 62 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: but for some reason, you're not trusting what you did 63 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,839 Speaker 1: in the experience. Think about a time when you just 64 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:24,359 Speaker 1: followed your intuition and it took you where you wanted 65 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:24,599 Speaker 1: to be. 66 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,880 Speaker 3: Oh yeah, it did, like like a river flower, Yes 67 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 3: it is. 68 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 2: Yeah. So what did you do? 69 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 4: Oh? 70 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 3: Many, I went to school, I had children, I got married, 71 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 3: even though it wasn't the smartest decisions I made, but 72 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,680 Speaker 3: they went when I said, that's what I wanted to do. 73 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:43,960 Speaker 3: That's what enters my life immediately. Whereas this stage right here, 74 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 3: I know I want to move to the next level, 75 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,760 Speaker 3: and I keep running against the wall and it feels 76 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:50,239 Speaker 3: like fear. 77 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:54,960 Speaker 5: Maybe you're not ready. Oh maybe you're not ready, or 78 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,599 Speaker 5: maybe you're being prepared. And maybe the way that you're 79 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:04,159 Speaker 5: being prepared, it's being care fronted, not confronted, but care 80 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:08,159 Speaker 5: fronted with all of these memory triggers so that you 81 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 5: can practice how to move through them and keep going. 82 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:16,200 Speaker 5: Oh what if you want to move forward but you're 83 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 5: not ready, because life is so wise, and life will 84 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,719 Speaker 5: keep us where we need to be until we're ready. 85 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:28,120 Speaker 3: My God, look right to my heart. Yes, ma'am, this. 86 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,720 Speaker 1: Is what I heard you say. What keeps coming up 87 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:36,480 Speaker 1: is memories of the disdainful remarks that I experienced in 88 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:40,120 Speaker 1: my past. So my question would be how do you 89 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:46,120 Speaker 1: deal with disdainful remarks today? Well, honestly, no, lie to me, 90 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:51,920 Speaker 1: lie to me, don't be honest. 91 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:57,400 Speaker 3: Sometimes sometimes I laugh at it, honestly when I hear it, 92 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,279 Speaker 3: because it sounds not only recognizable, but it's very nasty, 93 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:05,160 Speaker 3: mean the meaning words that were said all the time. 94 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 1: That's how you experienced it at nasty mean, And and 95 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 1: what if it was sad and it was just being 96 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:20,040 Speaker 1: voiced as well, that's what you say, but you don't 97 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,480 Speaker 1: know what the other person was experiencing. 98 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,159 Speaker 3: This is true, this is this, and this will always 99 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 3: be the case because she's passed on. So I have 100 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,039 Speaker 3: to go by memory. 101 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 1: No, you have to go by experience, not by memory. 102 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 3: They're not the same. 103 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:40,680 Speaker 1: And here's the distinction. When you go by memory and 104 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:45,680 Speaker 1: you have the flashback, let's say, of that comment, you 105 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 1: retraumatize yourself by remembering what was said and how you 106 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,359 Speaker 1: reacted and what it led to and how it changed you. 107 00:06:55,480 --> 00:07:00,000 Speaker 1: And that's memory. When you have the experience, it's just 108 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,719 Speaker 1: that's what you just said. I grew up in an 109 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:08,920 Speaker 1: environment where mean and nasty things were common, and whatever 110 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 1: they were going through that caused them to behave that way. 111 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: I'm willing to forgive it so I can move on. 112 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:16,960 Speaker 3: I got you. 113 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:21,000 Speaker 1: That's why I ask you, how do you respond to 114 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:26,240 Speaker 1: disdainful remarks today? Do you go back to what it was? 115 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,320 Speaker 1: Or do you make a new choice about how to 116 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:32,520 Speaker 1: respond to it today? Because you made up that they 117 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 1: were just mean and nasty vipers, they could have been broken, wounded, 118 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:42,320 Speaker 1: mentally imbalanced, emotionally bankrupt. You don't know what it was. 119 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 1: You only know how you experienced it. 120 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 3: How do I respond to it now? 121 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, when people, when you hear disdainful comments today, how 122 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,160 Speaker 1: do you respond to them? 123 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 3: I tend to either freeze or explode. 124 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,560 Speaker 1: Just like back then. But back then you couldn't explode, 125 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:05,240 Speaker 1: so you froze, and that's where the stuckness is. That's 126 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 1: where the stuckness is. So what I want to offer 127 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:12,040 Speaker 1: you is and this may be the ready ing that 128 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 1: the universe is doing for you while you haven't really 129 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:18,760 Speaker 1: moved forward, but you can't move forwards freezing or or exploding. 130 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 2: That's not going to work. 131 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:24,800 Speaker 1: Okay, When you hear a disdainful comment, or when a 132 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,880 Speaker 1: memory comes up, when a flashback comes. 133 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 2: Up, pivot, do something different. 134 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 1: Don't do what you did then don't even do what 135 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:39,240 Speaker 1: you do now. Pivot stop, take a breath, observe what's 136 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:43,800 Speaker 1: going on in your body, and then proceed in another direction. 137 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,760 Speaker 1: Don't try to move on, don't try to make sense 138 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,040 Speaker 1: of it, don't try to excuse it, explain it. 139 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:51,440 Speaker 2: Take a breath. 140 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,240 Speaker 1: Who that hit me? 141 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:56,320 Speaker 2: Where did it hit me? 142 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,760 Speaker 1: In my heart and my foot and my eye and 143 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,600 Speaker 1: my lip in my ear reminded me of back then, 144 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:04,240 Speaker 1: So let me go over here and do something different. 145 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: Because I couldn't run away back then. I had to 146 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,680 Speaker 1: stay back then, So I don't want to be frozen. 147 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:16,839 Speaker 1: Let me proceed in another direction. But the important part 148 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:21,920 Speaker 1: of that, beloved, is the observation part. Stay present to 149 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 1: the feeling that comes up when you hear a disdainful 150 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:30,240 Speaker 1: comment or when you experience something from the past. Stay 151 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,960 Speaker 1: present with it. You don't have to do anything about it, 152 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 1: but don't run from it and say oooh that sure 153 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 1: felt harsh or that made me feel this or whatever 154 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 1: it is. Stay with it, observe it, become aware of it, 155 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:49,160 Speaker 1: and then pivot. 156 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 2: Go in another direction. 157 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,040 Speaker 3: You are amazing. Thank you. 158 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 1: When you first started talking, I wrote down four questions 159 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,360 Speaker 1: that I would like you to work with as you 160 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:06,679 Speaker 1: move through these traumas that keep coming up. Because I 161 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,520 Speaker 1: suspect and I could be wrong. I'm always willing to 162 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:12,440 Speaker 1: be wrong that the way you are dealing with these 163 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:17,200 Speaker 1: memories is re traumatizing you. I could be wrong. We 164 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:21,199 Speaker 1: are going to get into those four questions right after 165 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:32,440 Speaker 1: this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Right before 166 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: the break, I was about to ask my caller four 167 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:40,960 Speaker 1: questions about her traumatic childhood experiences as a way to 168 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,200 Speaker 1: help her get to the root of the issue. 169 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:44,880 Speaker 2: Here are those questions. 170 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,079 Speaker 1: I wouldn't wonder what is the story you tell. 171 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,400 Speaker 2: Yourself about the trauma? 172 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,439 Speaker 1: And what I mean by that it shouldn't have happened. 173 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,320 Speaker 1: They knew better, they didn't they felt this way, or 174 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,680 Speaker 1: they didn't like me, they didn't love me, they didn't care. 175 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:03,720 Speaker 1: But what is the story you tell yourself about the trauma? 176 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 1: That's one question. What is the story you tell yourself 177 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:11,360 Speaker 1: about who visited the trauma upon you? I sense I 178 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,360 Speaker 1: don't know this to be true. It was your mother 179 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:19,800 Speaker 1: or your parents, or whoever the female was that raised you, Yeah, 180 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 1: what do you tell yourself about her? And that's important because, 181 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:27,319 Speaker 1: particularly if it was your mother or your Grandma in 182 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:31,080 Speaker 1: that line, because you came your bone of their bone, 183 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,640 Speaker 1: your flesh of their flesh. So whatever you're telling yourself 184 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,960 Speaker 1: about them, there's a part that believes that. 185 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:37,720 Speaker 2: To be true about you. 186 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 3: That's true. 187 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 1: Oh, I guess I'm good. I might call me in 188 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:48,400 Speaker 1: have a conversation. The other question, I said, what is 189 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:52,120 Speaker 1: the story you tell yourself about what the trauma has 190 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:57,040 Speaker 1: changed in you? What has it caused in you? And 191 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: what has it changed in you? 192 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:04,599 Speaker 3: People talk about that childhood where you're running, you're jumping puddles, 193 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 3: and you're you're you don't think about responsibility, you don't 194 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 3: think about tomorrow. You just enjoy the moment. That is 195 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 3: something that I do not know how to do. Like 196 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:20,080 Speaker 3: the idea of running into a puddle and stomping in 197 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 3: it just for the joy of it. Before I even 198 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,559 Speaker 3: think about it, I think of okay, first of trauma. 199 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,079 Speaker 3: Then then I've got to clean myself up, and then 200 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,720 Speaker 3: you're going to look to every I don't do that, 201 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 3: and sometimes it really does, like I feel it because 202 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,400 Speaker 3: I want to be spontaneous in the morning moment. I 203 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:45,160 Speaker 3: want to enjoy my own creativity. But but that's a block. 204 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,920 Speaker 3: I still have not been able to get back. 205 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,600 Speaker 1: So the next time it rains, go do it. Go 206 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,679 Speaker 1: to the park, go jump in the puddle, and not 207 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:56,000 Speaker 1: only go jump in the puddle, jump in the puddle 208 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:56,800 Speaker 1: in white clothes. 209 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I don't own any white call for 210 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 3: that reason. 211 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:03,720 Speaker 2: Oh my god. 212 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:08,560 Speaker 3: Honestly only I honestly, even my wedding dress was not white. 213 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 3: I made it bone instead of right. I don't wear 214 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:12,839 Speaker 3: white for that very reason. 215 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:15,160 Speaker 1: Well, wear some white. How about you wear white for 216 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,640 Speaker 1: the next fourteen days, Go buy someone wear some. 217 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:18,600 Speaker 3: Oh my god. 218 00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:22,319 Speaker 1: Okay, because it seems like you may have an aversion 219 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:27,560 Speaker 1: to or an addiction to perfection, because your imperfections will highlighted. 220 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think addiction to perfection or attempted yes, ma'am. 221 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:34,040 Speaker 2: Would that be accurate? Yeah? 222 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, So go get you some white clothes, oh boy. 223 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,120 Speaker 1: And the next time it rains, go to the park 224 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 1: and just jump in a puddle. Jump in a puddle. 225 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,080 Speaker 1: And when you have to go home and clean yourself, 226 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 1: have fun with it. You have fun, I mean, because 227 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,359 Speaker 1: you're just going to reverse that experience. 228 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 2: But look at those four questions. 229 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:59,640 Speaker 1: What is the story you told yourself about trauma, about 230 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: the what is the story you told yourself about who 231 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:05,160 Speaker 1: visited it upon you. And when I say the story 232 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 1: you tell yourself, I'm talking about what is it that 233 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: you looked at that person and said, they shouldn't do this. 234 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:12,120 Speaker 1: They know better. They do it because they hate me. 235 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,840 Speaker 1: They do it because they're wretched, because I'm wretched. What 236 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 1: is that story? You've got to dismantle that and stay 237 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:21,400 Speaker 1: present with the feelings. What is the story you tell 238 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,240 Speaker 1: yourself about what it caused you? And what is the 239 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,800 Speaker 1: story you tell yourself about how it changed you? Because, beloved, 240 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:31,120 Speaker 1: you may be more attached to the trauma than you 241 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,040 Speaker 1: are to your healing. 242 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,080 Speaker 3: You're right about that. That's a concern of mind that, 243 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,840 Speaker 3: now that I'm actually ready to step into the healing, 244 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 3: like to live it, I'm afraid to do that. I'm 245 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:42,880 Speaker 3: afraid of who I'm going to become. 246 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,520 Speaker 1: Because who you're going to become is a contradiction to 247 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,400 Speaker 1: who they told you you were or who they led 248 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 1: you to believe you were. So you're getting ready to 249 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 1: contradict that, and the little girl in you has a 250 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,479 Speaker 1: fear of contradicting. 251 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:01,119 Speaker 2: The big people. Oh amen, give you four questions. 252 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 1: I really want you to work with them, work with 253 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 1: them in your journal, work with them in your prayer, 254 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:12,200 Speaker 1: work with them right, and write this down. Nothing is permanent, 255 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 1: so the trauma isn't permanent, but you may be telling 256 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,080 Speaker 1: yourself that what it caused in you cannot be changed. 257 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 3: Got it. 258 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:27,840 Speaker 1: Nothing is perfect nothing. Nothing is perfect, no relationship, no person, 259 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:32,640 Speaker 1: no healing modality. Nothing is perfect. And you have an 260 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:36,880 Speaker 1: addiction to perfection. I gotta get it right, I gotta 261 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,560 Speaker 1: do it right. I gotta be right. I want you 262 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:43,760 Speaker 1: to think of that in a different way instead of 263 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:51,520 Speaker 1: saying I've got to be right. I'm willing to be wrong. Yeah, 264 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,120 Speaker 1: take a breath. I'm willing to mess up. I'm willing 265 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,640 Speaker 1: to look stupid. I'm willing. All you got to do 266 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: is be willing. If you're fifty one percent willing, the 267 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,320 Speaker 1: Holy Spirit will give you the other forty nine percent. 268 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:02,720 Speaker 4: Wow. 269 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,240 Speaker 1: Willing to be wrong, I'm willing to mess up. I'm 270 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 1: willing to be embarrassed. I'm willing to make a fool 271 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,240 Speaker 1: out of myself. I'm willing. I'm willing. 272 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:10,720 Speaker 6: Wow. 273 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,840 Speaker 1: I remember being challenged by that, not only because I'm 274 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 1: a virgo and I'm obsessive, but because I also I 275 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 1: grew up in an environment where I didn't have to 276 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 1: be right, but I couldn't be wrong. 277 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 2: I could not be wrong. 278 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,800 Speaker 1: There's a very slight distinction, and I won't go into 279 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 1: that now, but I remember one of my teachers says, 280 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,160 Speaker 1: I want you to go buy an outfit that you 281 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 1: would never wear. Polka dot skirt, plaid shirt, you know, white, go, 282 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,720 Speaker 1: go boots, whatever it is. He said, I want you 283 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 1: to go, and I want you to go to three 284 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:45,680 Speaker 1: places in that outfit. 285 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:46,480 Speaker 3: Oh my goodness. 286 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 2: Go to the. 287 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: Walmart, go to the supermarket, go to the you know, 288 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: go to the mall and walk around and live through 289 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 1: people staring at you, pointing or what you think people 290 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,520 Speaker 1: will be staring at you, because nowadays, with green hair 291 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,800 Speaker 1: and piercings in your eyebrows, people won't even look. But 292 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:09,120 Speaker 1: you know, but it's not for them, it's for you 293 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,440 Speaker 1: to know. You can look like that, be like that 294 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 1: and survive. 295 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,280 Speaker 3: That's true. 296 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,560 Speaker 1: So I went and got some of them tied up 297 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 1: orthopedic shoes that I would would you know, just kill me, 298 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,359 Speaker 1: I would never be caught dead, and that. I got 299 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:25,720 Speaker 1: me a wig and put it on backwards, and I 300 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,680 Speaker 1: got me a church lady hat and put the hat 301 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 1: on top of the wig, and I got I had 302 00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:32,160 Speaker 1: on like a I don't know, some kind of plaid 303 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:38,359 Speaker 1: polyester skirt and just something. I mean, it was just ridiculous. 304 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,879 Speaker 1: I just went to the thrift shop and bought, you know, 305 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,240 Speaker 1: fifteen dollars worth of clothes, and went to the mall 306 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,360 Speaker 1: and walked around. And I wasn't even looking at the people. 307 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,679 Speaker 1: I just wanted to deal with the feelings that I 308 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,639 Speaker 1: had as they came. Okay, who's looking at me? And 309 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,880 Speaker 1: what are they say? I mean, you know, And then 310 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 1: I went to the counter to try to buy something, 311 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 1: and you know, I think was red lipstick. Because I 312 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,959 Speaker 1: grew up in a strictly religious environment where you couldn't 313 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:07,119 Speaker 1: wear a lipstick. I went to the counter, looking like 314 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,400 Speaker 1: a fool in them clothes and try it on every 315 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,439 Speaker 1: red lipstick I could possibly put my hands on, and 316 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,640 Speaker 1: dealt with the feeling of it. And I stayed, stayed 317 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,040 Speaker 1: with the feeling. Stay with the feeling, and then when 318 00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:22,640 Speaker 1: the feeling comes up and you observe what. 319 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 2: It is, then pivot and do something else. 320 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,320 Speaker 1: Buy the red lipstick, take the wig off, scratch your head, 321 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:38,280 Speaker 1: then put the wig back on in public. You know, 322 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,520 Speaker 1: something that you would rather die than to see people, 323 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,080 Speaker 1: you know, because people buy these wigs thinking that this 324 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,840 Speaker 1: their hair, ain't your hair. Take it off in public, scratch, 325 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,440 Speaker 1: oh gosh, and then put the wig back on backwards. Okay. 326 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:57,399 Speaker 1: And the next time it rains, get you something white 327 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,720 Speaker 1: and go play in the mud. 328 00:18:59,440 --> 00:18:59,800 Speaker 2: All right. 329 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:03,680 Speaker 1: So nothing is permanent, nothing is perfect, and this one 330 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:11,639 Speaker 1: is going to choke you. Nothing is personal. It ain't personal, baby, 331 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:16,439 Speaker 1: It's an experience. It ain't personal at it. 332 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:21,920 Speaker 3: Wow, okay, all right, thank you. 333 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,880 Speaker 1: Yes, in about six weeks, let me know how you're doing. 334 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 1: And keep listening to the r spots. 335 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,600 Speaker 3: I will be, I will be. Oh, thank you so much. 336 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:39,760 Speaker 1: Okay, all right, my love, bye bye bye bye. Now listen, 337 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,760 Speaker 1: it is so important that you are ready to do 338 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:45,640 Speaker 1: the work that. 339 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,080 Speaker 2: Is required to heal. 340 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:52,320 Speaker 1: And my caller today is not yet ready to forgive 341 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:57,440 Speaker 1: her mother because she hasn't fully unpacked her feelings about 342 00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:01,600 Speaker 1: the experience. And that's okay. And as I said, it 343 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:05,600 Speaker 1: may not even be about my caller forgiving her mother, 344 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:09,879 Speaker 1: because before you can forgive someone for something, you must 345 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:15,360 Speaker 1: understand how you feel about what you have experienced and 346 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,840 Speaker 1: how you are reacting to it, and that has nothing 347 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,359 Speaker 1: to do with the other person. That's about you, boo, 348 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,600 Speaker 1: and all of that your feelings. The experience is how 349 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 1: you're reacted. That has to be unpacked. And when you 350 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,679 Speaker 1: have a breakdown with your mother, whether she's alive or not, 351 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,919 Speaker 1: whether you consider it to be her fault or not, 352 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:43,159 Speaker 1: the healing is your responsibility. My next call is dealing 353 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 1: with a similar issue, but he has taken hits to 354 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:51,000 Speaker 1: his own self image because of his childhood, when in 355 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:55,600 Speaker 1: reality he is a powerful, strong person who just needs 356 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,000 Speaker 1: some guidance and will get into his. 357 00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,720 Speaker 2: Call right after the break. 358 00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:12,320 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Our Spot Today we are talking 359 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:17,440 Speaker 1: about childhood trauma and growing into forgiveness with your mother, 360 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:21,920 Speaker 1: and we're welcoming my second caller for today, a conversation 361 00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:26,159 Speaker 1: that I think many of you will really gain a 362 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:31,639 Speaker 1: lot from. Let's listen. Hello, good afternoon, the love it 363 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,040 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Our Spot. How can I support you today? 364 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:40,320 Speaker 1: What is your dilemma, challenge issue as it relates to relationships. 365 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,679 Speaker 4: Yes, ma'am, I was calling you today to discuss the 366 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 4: relationship with my parents. I don't really feel as though 367 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 4: we haven't been close. Everett, and I've been twenty nine 368 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:54,800 Speaker 4: years old. I've really been kind of speaking next one 369 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,520 Speaker 4: on one time with them, and if I try to 370 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:01,320 Speaker 4: express myself, I've always been told that basically like my 371 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 4: feelings don't matter. I mean, they apologize to the way 372 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:07,080 Speaker 4: they know how. But I feel like sometimes that I've 373 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,640 Speaker 4: been the parent and that's unfair to me because I'm 374 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 4: the oldest child. But aside from that, I do think 375 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,440 Speaker 4: I've ever had a time to just just leave my 376 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:18,640 Speaker 4: shoulder on my parents and sell them to be there 377 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,439 Speaker 4: for me. I've always had to seek that love that 378 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,600 Speaker 4: I've yearned for from other people. 379 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,199 Speaker 1: I want you to know that I heard you, and 380 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:31,800 Speaker 1: what I heard you say is that you're seeking a 381 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,359 Speaker 1: better relationship with your parents, that you want to know 382 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,680 Speaker 1: that they support you, and that you've never really had 383 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:43,720 Speaker 1: the opportunity to share with them the truth of your heart. Yes, Neil, 384 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:47,880 Speaker 1: and now at the age of twenty nine, this has 385 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,520 Speaker 1: become important to you to be able to have a 386 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,960 Speaker 1: deeper relationship with your parents. Why do you think it's 387 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,520 Speaker 1: so important to you now? 388 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:58,680 Speaker 4: In order for me to do the things I want 389 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,679 Speaker 4: to do, I feel like I need to them and 390 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,760 Speaker 4: I feel like that's okay to want toff and yearn 391 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 4: that because they're a lie, they're capable. It's just not 392 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:09,960 Speaker 4: I don't feel like I've ever been a priority. I'm 393 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,040 Speaker 4: trying not to let it hinder me too much, but 394 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:15,080 Speaker 4: I've unfortunately us with a lot of traumatic abits throughout 395 00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:16,840 Speaker 4: my life. I'm at a place right now to whereas 396 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,080 Speaker 4: though me being quiet is making me ill and I 397 00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:21,600 Speaker 4: don't want to be like study. So I'm trying to 398 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,000 Speaker 4: express myself because I'm at a place in my life 399 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,679 Speaker 4: to work. So I want to not only make an 400 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:28,840 Speaker 4: impact on the world, but I want to share my 401 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,480 Speaker 4: journey to see a sense of inspiration illumination to someone else. 402 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 4: But in order for me to do that, I really 403 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,399 Speaker 4: got to heal a lot of stuff that happens to 404 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 4: me before. And I feel like just in the older 405 00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:39,960 Speaker 4: I get I'm like, i feel like I'm forgotten about 406 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,600 Speaker 4: like that, I'm genuinely thankful and honor to have them, 407 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 4: But at the same time, since they are here, since 408 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,320 Speaker 4: they are capable of yearned for that versus me just 409 00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,600 Speaker 4: happened to always look up to God or my ancestors 410 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,399 Speaker 4: or someone else's parents, are real there I want mine, 411 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:53,800 Speaker 4: and I feel like that's okay. 412 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:59,600 Speaker 1: First of all, I want to thank you for trusting me, well, 413 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:04,679 Speaker 1: first for trusting yourself and then me, and then this 414 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:11,639 Speaker 1: our spot community with your vulnerability. Vulnerability is something that 415 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,119 Speaker 1: scares a lot of people. And even though we can't 416 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 1: see you, your voice communicates and your voice touches us 417 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:24,960 Speaker 1: in our soft places. So that says to me that 418 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:30,240 Speaker 1: you are in a place of learning to trust that 419 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:35,119 Speaker 1: you can be safe in sharing the vulnerability of your heart. 420 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:39,320 Speaker 1: So I want to acknowledge you for that. That's number one, Okay, 421 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,640 Speaker 1: thank you. Number two, I want you to hear this. 422 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,920 Speaker 1: I want you to hear this with every fiber of 423 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:53,240 Speaker 1: your being. Okay. The best students get the hardest tests. 424 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:58,000 Speaker 1: The best students don't get the multiple choice tests ABCD, 425 00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,840 Speaker 1: where you could guess the right answers sixty percent of 426 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,479 Speaker 1: the time. The best students don't get true and false. 427 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,080 Speaker 1: They don't So your life is not multiple choice or 428 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:11,120 Speaker 1: true and false. Your life is fill in the blank. 429 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 1: Why because you can handle it, Yes, ma'am. The best 430 00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:20,320 Speaker 1: students get the hardest test Why because they are learning 431 00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:24,840 Speaker 1: and learning to master what it is they're going to 432 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:30,960 Speaker 1: have to walk out, live and demonstrate for others. So 433 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,439 Speaker 1: the wisdom of the universe would take you into a 434 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:40,560 Speaker 1: life experience where you have parents who don't give you 435 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,840 Speaker 1: what it is you think you need, but you're not 436 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,720 Speaker 1: going to handle it. If you continue to stay in 437 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:51,600 Speaker 1: the place of wishing and hoping and yearning for something 438 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:55,440 Speaker 1: that you don't have and may never get, you are 439 00:25:55,560 --> 00:26:00,919 Speaker 1: assuming it's an assumption that your parents know how to 440 00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:05,119 Speaker 1: give you the love you want. You're assuming that because 441 00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:07,959 Speaker 1: every child thinks their parents should know. You should they 442 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,560 Speaker 1: should know, they should know, and they can do it. 443 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,400 Speaker 1: They're just not doing it. What good reason would they 444 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,840 Speaker 1: have for not doing it? What do you tell yourself 445 00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:19,640 Speaker 1: is their reason for not doing it? 446 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,439 Speaker 4: I think that sometimes they don't give that to me 447 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,800 Speaker 4: because that's probably not something that they were used to 448 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:25,439 Speaker 4: grown up. 449 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:33,240 Speaker 6: Yeah, mental health is important, and that's not something that's 450 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:35,800 Speaker 6: always been discussed in my family. 451 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,040 Speaker 4: Mental like coexisting and making sure that your grades are 452 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,800 Speaker 4: good or school and you're doing well and staying out 453 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:46,720 Speaker 4: of trouble. Those things have always been advocated of mental 454 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 4: health and just taking time to stop and feel your emotions, 455 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,400 Speaker 4: understand them and let them pass. These are not things 456 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,520 Speaker 4: that I've had the opportunity to discuss in my family, 457 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,399 Speaker 4: even going back to my grandparents. So I tried to 458 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,760 Speaker 4: be very understanding and before I I just try to 459 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,320 Speaker 4: make people aware and espress myself more because I've never 460 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:06,680 Speaker 4: really been good at that growing up as a child. 461 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,159 Speaker 4: I've always just followed it up, followed it up, out 462 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,200 Speaker 4: of it up. I don't know. I guess there's still 463 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,480 Speaker 4: that inner child in me that still is there. 464 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:15,720 Speaker 1: I want to talk to the six year old little 465 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:20,359 Speaker 1: boy who's leaving home to go to school. It's going 466 00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,720 Speaker 1: to be around other kids and see other kids with 467 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,840 Speaker 1: their mothers and fathers. Who's going to make up that 468 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,280 Speaker 1: they go home and their life is much better than his. 469 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,080 Speaker 1: I want to talk to him. Is he around? 470 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:35,040 Speaker 4: It's okay here the kwan. 471 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:40,239 Speaker 1: Honey, listen. I know you may not understand this. I 472 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,240 Speaker 1: know this may be hard for you to hear. But 473 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:47,720 Speaker 1: your parents don't have what you want. It's not your fault. 474 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,840 Speaker 1: It's not even about you. They don't have it, baby, 475 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 1: And in fact, you may be the healthiest one in 476 00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:00,320 Speaker 1: the room. And that's because you're a good student of life. Life, 477 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,600 Speaker 1: and that's because God source your creator, knew you could 478 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:08,040 Speaker 1: handle this. It's gonna be hard, baby, but he knew. 479 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,040 Speaker 4: You could handle it, Yes, ma'am. 480 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:13,480 Speaker 1: So what I want you to do, du Quan is 481 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:17,320 Speaker 1: I want you to depend on the big du Quan, 482 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:21,360 Speaker 1: the twenty nine year old du Quan, to give you 483 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:27,959 Speaker 1: what you think your parents didn't because they don't have it. Ma'am, 484 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,480 Speaker 1: I want to talk to the big du Quan, the 485 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:34,159 Speaker 1: twenty nine year old Daquan. The best students get the 486 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:38,520 Speaker 1: hardest test, and right now your test is learning how 487 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:42,720 Speaker 1: to parent yourself. I know that's not what you want, 488 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:47,000 Speaker 1: but hey, you know I want to be rich in that. 489 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:48,600 Speaker 1: But yat, I ain't got it. 490 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:50,760 Speaker 4: I'm gonna get there. 491 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,720 Speaker 1: I want you to hear what I'm saying. Do not 492 00:28:55,120 --> 00:29:00,680 Speaker 1: continue to abuse six year old du Quan by you 493 00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:05,720 Speaker 1: at twenty nine yearning for something he didn't get. Give 494 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:09,960 Speaker 1: it to him. Give yourself that time, that energy, that attention, 495 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:16,080 Speaker 1: take care of you, talk to him, trust your vulnerabilities, 496 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:20,400 Speaker 1: and it looks this way because you can handle it. 497 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:24,400 Speaker 1: Did you grow up in the church, Yes, okay, So 498 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:27,400 Speaker 1: I'm going to take you to one of my favorite 499 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:32,920 Speaker 1: places in the Bible, psalms in the Psalms. I call 500 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:36,440 Speaker 1: him the peace Lambs, because if you really want to 501 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,760 Speaker 1: get some truth and some healing, go to the psalms. Okay, 502 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:44,840 Speaker 1: and there's a psalm that says, when my father and 503 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:51,880 Speaker 1: my mother forsake me, then the Lord, the Love, the truth, 504 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 1: the spirit, the soul of who I am will lift 505 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:01,520 Speaker 1: me up. The twenty nine year old has to lift 506 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,440 Speaker 1: that six year old up. And here's how you're going 507 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:08,120 Speaker 1: to start. What would be different had your parents loved 508 00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:09,680 Speaker 1: you the way you wanted them to love you. 509 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:10,959 Speaker 2: What would be different? 510 00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 4: I would be adjusted to express it myself. So and 511 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,240 Speaker 4: I feel like sometimes it's a crime to do that. 512 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:21,720 Speaker 4: I feel like when I try to just genuinely express that, 513 00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:26,040 Speaker 4: but it's always my faults. Oh, it's your culture. You 514 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:29,280 Speaker 4: know you're upset. No, I don't know. I don't like 515 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:31,600 Speaker 4: to feel like I'm the bad guy for expressing myself. 516 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:35,200 Speaker 1: If your parents had been who you wanted them to be, 517 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,600 Speaker 1: you would be able to express yourself better. First of all, 518 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:40,440 Speaker 1: I want you to know that on this call, you've 519 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:44,320 Speaker 1: expressed yourself very well, but okay, and maybe that you 520 00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:48,160 Speaker 1: want them to agree with what you're expressing, not that 521 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,200 Speaker 1: you can't express yourself, but that they don't agree with 522 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:55,240 Speaker 1: what you express. Is that a possibility, yes, ma'am. Okay, 523 00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:58,720 Speaker 1: So it's not that you could express yourself, but if 524 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 1: your parents had been who you want them to be, 525 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:04,400 Speaker 1: they would agree with me. That's what you tell yourself. 526 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:09,160 Speaker 1: That's not true. That's not true that they would agree 527 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,880 Speaker 1: with you. You don't know that to be true. You could 528 00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,600 Speaker 1: express yourself perfectly, clearly and they still don't agree with you. 529 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,080 Speaker 4: You know, when I feel like I can't do it 530 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:21,000 Speaker 4: with people or being misunderstood, just going somewhere to where 531 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:22,960 Speaker 4: so I know that I don't have to worry about 532 00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:24,960 Speaker 4: soo and judging. Is that's like a microphone or just 533 00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:27,920 Speaker 4: singing or trying to do something that's always been my avenue. 534 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,560 Speaker 1: Well, healing is a process. It's not going to happen overnight. 535 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:35,360 Speaker 4: One day at a time, ayanas. I definitely am learning that. 536 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:38,520 Speaker 4: And I'm not one to be yearning for everybody like me. 537 00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:40,840 Speaker 4: I'm not that kind of guy. But those two, but 538 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,360 Speaker 4: my parents, for sure, that's like something. 539 00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:46,800 Speaker 1: That they don't have it. They don't have it. So 540 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,520 Speaker 1: let me tell you about the ruthlessness of the ego. 541 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:52,479 Speaker 1: The ego that wants us to believe that were separate 542 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:54,880 Speaker 1: from God. The ego that wants us to believe that 543 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:57,360 Speaker 1: we're not good enough, The ego that wants us to 544 00:31:57,400 --> 00:31:59,640 Speaker 1: believe that we're little and insignificant. 545 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:00,560 Speaker 2: The ego. 546 00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:05,520 Speaker 1: So, the ego has you wanting something that you cannot have. 547 00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:10,720 Speaker 1: You cannot have now at twenty nine, the love your 548 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,680 Speaker 1: parents didn't give you at four five six, you cannot 549 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:17,240 Speaker 1: have it, and the ego will give you all manner. Well, 550 00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:19,360 Speaker 1: look what they're doing over there, Look how they treat them, 551 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,480 Speaker 1: Look what they say to them, Look how they're doing this. 552 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:26,320 Speaker 1: They should know that's ego. So your first commandment has 553 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:29,360 Speaker 1: to be I shall not want what I cannot have. 554 00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:35,560 Speaker 1: That's the first commandment. And it's sad. Why because it's 555 00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:38,960 Speaker 1: your learning curriculum. To stop wanting what you cannot have 556 00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,360 Speaker 1: and stop wishing things were any different than they were before, 557 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,640 Speaker 1: and to forgive yourself for thinking that had you had it, 558 00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:49,040 Speaker 1: it would be different. At twenty nine, you're gonna have 559 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,760 Speaker 1: self esteem issues. At twenty nine, you're gonna have confidence 560 00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:54,000 Speaker 1: issues that'll settle out when you get. 561 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:55,600 Speaker 2: To be around thirty three thirty five. 562 00:32:56,360 --> 00:33:01,040 Speaker 1: Learn to trust yourself, hold yourself differently inside. Learn how 563 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:03,920 Speaker 1: to give that six year old boy that means you 564 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,000 Speaker 1: what it is you think your parents should have given you. 565 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:10,080 Speaker 1: Learn how to give that little six year old attention. 566 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:15,080 Speaker 1: Learn how to listen. When you find yourself irritable or 567 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:19,240 Speaker 1: upset or breaking down, ask yourself, what am I wanting 568 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:22,959 Speaker 1: that I cannot have because you can't go back and 569 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 1: get that. That's done and love them, bless them. That's 570 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:31,080 Speaker 1: all you can do. And you're learning to accept them 571 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:34,200 Speaker 1: just as they are, and maybe one day you can 572 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,920 Speaker 1: express to them. You know, there's a lot I wish 573 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:40,640 Speaker 1: you had given me that you didn't, but I'm learning 574 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,200 Speaker 1: how to give it to myself. And I forgive you 575 00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:44,160 Speaker 1: for not having what. 576 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:47,560 Speaker 4: I need, yes, ma'am. And I'm going to swallow that 577 00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:49,640 Speaker 4: and just take it and said, that's something I have 578 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:53,080 Speaker 4: to face, and I appreciate you for expressing that. And 579 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:55,600 Speaker 4: this is Paul call is not to ever to Yeah, 580 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:57,720 Speaker 4: my parents said, I love them genuinely, but at the 581 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,680 Speaker 4: same time you're write I have to you nine year old. 582 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:05,120 Speaker 4: The kun is finally learning to slowly but surely, because 583 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:06,840 Speaker 4: Rome wasn't built in a day to deal with that. 584 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,959 Speaker 4: And I know that's how I having one hundred percent 585 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,719 Speaker 4: heal from it. But I am definitely willing to put 586 00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:13,360 Speaker 4: in that work, and I know it all starts with me. 587 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:17,600 Speaker 1: Stop trying to fix yourself. Stop trying to figure this out. 588 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:21,080 Speaker 1: Ask God, life, source, the Holy Spirit, whoever you turn 589 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:25,279 Speaker 1: to help me, help me see this differently, help me 590 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:28,880 Speaker 1: do this differently. Help me feel better right now. Stop 591 00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:31,360 Speaker 1: trying to fix yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. You're a 592 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:34,400 Speaker 1: good student, and it's okay to be the healthiest person 593 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:36,600 Speaker 1: in the room. Don't go in the room and say, 594 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:39,960 Speaker 1: oh my god, everybody in here is broken. Say oh 595 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,680 Speaker 1: my god, I'm the healthiest person in the room. What 596 00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:46,520 Speaker 1: do I need to do to be healthy in this moment? 597 00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:48,080 Speaker 2: Does that make sense? 598 00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:48,960 Speaker 4: Yes? Suggests? 599 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:49,640 Speaker 2: Can you do it? 600 00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:50,319 Speaker 4: That's suit you it. 601 00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 2: So, what is going to be your next step? 602 00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:56,759 Speaker 4: Well, to accept the truth, to make myself happy, and 603 00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:01,480 Speaker 4: three accomplish everything that I to die in this lifetime 604 00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:03,600 Speaker 4: and swell, that's what my next steps up. 605 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:05,800 Speaker 1: You wanna call me in six weeks and let me 606 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:09,919 Speaker 1: know how you're doing. Yes, okay, all right, my love, 607 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:10,359 Speaker 1: be well. 608 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,920 Speaker 4: Thank you so much, God, pleasure, Thank you so much. 609 00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,680 Speaker 2: Mister Okay, bye bye. 610 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:22,640 Speaker 1: Growing past childhood traumas can take an enormous amount of 611 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:24,560 Speaker 1: energy and effort. 612 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,560 Speaker 2: That's what we call work. 613 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:30,480 Speaker 1: Why because you've been carrying it around with you for 614 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:35,080 Speaker 1: so long. Now it's challenging work, but it doesn't have 615 00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:40,759 Speaker 1: to be hard. First, you must recognize and unpack your 616 00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:46,080 Speaker 1: feelings about what you experienced as a child. Then you 617 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:51,840 Speaker 1: have to identify and understand the stories you've told yourself 618 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:57,239 Speaker 1: about those experiences. After that, you must put yourself on 619 00:35:57,280 --> 00:36:02,200 Speaker 1: the path to forgiveness. Now it may be a long road, 620 00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:06,480 Speaker 1: but it doesn't have to be a difficult road, because 621 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:09,360 Speaker 1: the thing is, you don't just want to say the 622 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:15,000 Speaker 1: words about forgiveness. You want to experience forgiveness. When you 623 00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:18,520 Speaker 1: unpack your feelings and you understand the story, you are 624 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:24,160 Speaker 1: moving on the path of experiencing forgiveness. But I'm here 625 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:28,560 Speaker 1: to tell you that no matter what the situation is, 626 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:32,120 Speaker 1: it's all about you, boo, and it's up to you 627 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:35,600 Speaker 1: to do the work and take the steps towards your 628 00:36:35,719 --> 00:36:39,840 Speaker 1: own healing. And you can do that if you're willing 629 00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:43,839 Speaker 1: to put in the time, the energy, and the effort. 630 00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone and if 631 00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:51,960 Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 632 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:55,359 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 633 00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:58,680 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to 634 00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:02,200 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 635 00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:03,640 Speaker 1: and until then. 636 00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:12,920 Speaker 2: Stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a. 637 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:18,399 Speaker 1: Production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more 638 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:24,000 Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 639 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,880 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.