Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you hi. Welcome to
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea. Everybody. It's a brand new episode of Dear Chelsea.
Speaker 1: I'm well. I am pretty excited. I've been in Canada
Speaker 1: because I'm doing my stand up dates here, my touring
Speaker 1: dates here. But Joe was with me for a while
Speaker 1: with the dogs, which was amazing because he would walk
Speaker 1: them and feed them and walk them. And I don't
Speaker 1: like walking my dogs. First of all, my dogs are
Speaker 1: pretty unwalkable, but I just don't like it. And I'm
Speaker 1: so lazy, which is why I'm a terrible parent, and
Speaker 1: I know not to have a child. But when he left,
Speaker 1: I found the peepalds in the closet and just resorted
Speaker 1: to that. I put them on the balcony, I opened
Speaker 1: the door, and then they just go and use that
Speaker 1: like I take them out once, and he used to
Speaker 1: take them out seven times a day. So I mean,
Speaker 1: it's like it's such a stark contrast from when he's here,
Speaker 1: and I don't understand. Like Burt will pace upstairs in Whistler.
Speaker 1: My my bedrooms are downstairs in the living rooms upstairs,
Speaker 1: and Bert will pace back and forth all morning, and
Speaker 1: the pitter powder of his claws is so fucking annoying.
Speaker 1: Is so annoying. At five every morning he starts like,
Speaker 1: let's go, let's go. I want to eat, let's go,
Speaker 1: so the idea. And every morning I'm like, God, just
Speaker 1: go back to bed, bird, go back to bed. I'm
Speaker 1: thinking for my bed. But every morning Joe would just
Speaker 1: pop right out of bed and go take them out.
Speaker 1: And then he has no problem. Like you know, at night,
Speaker 1: when I'm stoned and ready to get into bed, the
Speaker 1: last thing I want to do is take them out,
Speaker 1: and he'll do it on a moment's notice. Like he
Speaker 1: has a different mental capacity than I do. And I'd
Speaker 1: like to tap into his, because I do want to
Speaker 1: be somebody who wants to take my dogs out. But
Speaker 1: I don't think it's going to happen in this lifetime, Katherine.
Speaker 1: I mean, let's be realistic, you know what I mean. Well,
Speaker 1: maybe not in their lifetimes, because they don't seem like
Speaker 1: they really want to go for a hike. They seem
Speaker 1: pretty lazy. They are, That's part of it. They just
Speaker 1: like walk outside listlessly, you know, and then p forty
Speaker 1: times and on each other. It's just like one of
Speaker 1: them is sniffing, and the other one lifts is like, yeah,
Speaker 1: and I have on my rugs are both ruined here.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm for fairly certain my entire place just
Speaker 1: smells like you're in. So I've basically turned into, you know,
Speaker 1: somebody who's basically living like in a trailer park. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know. I'm just like I've lost all ability for
Speaker 1: any sort of decorum. Well, you know what, you're at
Speaker 1: your vacation home. It can you can live in squalor.
Speaker 1: It's I'm living in my white privilege vacation home. Well,
Speaker 1: today we have a really fun guest. Chelsea. Our guest
Speaker 1: today is an award winning actress and she recently started
Speaker 1: in the Emmy winning drama series in Treatment, and then
Speaker 1: she just finished the Broadway production of Clyde's pain Killer
Speaker 1: is a new project that is coming out on Netflix.
Speaker 1: It's a limited series starring her and Matthew Broderick. So
Speaker 1: please welcome Uzo A Duba Uzo. How are you? I
Speaker 1: am great? How were you? How were you all? Well?
Speaker 1: I was excited. First of all. I want to say
Speaker 1: that I just recently saw Uzo's play Clyde in New York,
Speaker 1: which I think has already ended, right, did you just wrap? Yeah,
Speaker 1: we just finished on the sixteenth of January. Congratulations, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you for coming to see us. Lay Oh, Joe,
Speaker 1: Coy and I came. Yes, we came, and we sat
Speaker 1: in the back of the theater, not in our assignce seats. Uh.
Speaker 1: We decided to move because Joe had a cocktail and
Speaker 1: we weren't allowed to bring that in either. So we
Speaker 1: were breaking laws left and rules left and right coming there.
Speaker 1: But we loved seeing you. I love seeing you in action.
Speaker 1: You know how I feel about your acting. I love it.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Thanks Lead. This is Catherine, my co host
Speaker 1: and producer. Catherine. Nice to meet you. I love your hair, Catherine,
Speaker 1: thank you. It's just it's bright pink today and fluffy
Speaker 1: and she's always full of color when I get here.
Speaker 1: How are you doing, wing Uzoh? How how has pandemic
Speaker 1: life been treating you? I heard that you secretly got
Speaker 1: married during the pandemic? Is that a fact? That is
Speaker 1: a fact? WHOA? I sure did? I got married um
Speaker 1: September twelve. Yeah, it was, you know, it wasn't even
Speaker 1: like it's not so much I would say, like a secret.
Speaker 1: It's like that expression like it wasn't a secret, just
Speaker 1: wasn't anybody's business or I wasn't talking about it. You know,
Speaker 1: we've been together. It was a long time coming, and
Speaker 1: it just so happened that a pandemic happened, you know,
Speaker 1: like that was meant to happen. But then we all
Speaker 1: got shuttered in and so were you able to spend
Speaker 1: the wedding with your family and your friends and have
Speaker 1: all the people that were important to you there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that was you know what's so funny about pandemic I
Speaker 1: mean about pandemic Weddings's exactly. The thing about pandemic weddings
Speaker 1: is because you can't have this never ending list of names,
Speaker 1: you know, people showing up, you really are forced to
Speaker 1: tailor it down to the allowed number, you know, because
Speaker 1: living in New York, especially in that time, it was
Speaker 1: so limited the number of people who could gather. So
Speaker 1: we were forced to really get down to the bones
Speaker 1: of it, and it wound up just being our families
Speaker 1: and the end. And to tell you the honest truth,
Speaker 1: it was awesome. It was perfection. It was really great
Speaker 1: because then you know the way you all experience like
Speaker 1: together you you have siblings, you know, like my brothers
Speaker 1: and sisters. Now everybody plays like an even more significant
Speaker 1: role on the day, you know, because it's just you guys.
Speaker 1: Did you write your own vows or did you use
Speaker 1: traditional vows? Combination? Wrote and the traditional part like we
Speaker 1: cut like the swearing party where it's like do you
Speaker 1: vow to like we're better or verse. I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna need this in writing, like I'm gonna need the
Speaker 1: part like my better and worst parts, like you know, um,
Speaker 1: we kept those parts, but yeah, we wrote our own
Speaker 1: as well. And how does it feel to be a
Speaker 1: married woman. It feels the same but different. You know.
Speaker 1: It's so funny because right before we were engaged, my cousin,
Speaker 1: my little cousin, was getting married and she had said
Speaker 1: this thing we're talking about, you know, like getting married
Speaker 1: this to this, and she was in the middle of
Speaker 1: her engagement and she said something like, don't mourn being single,
Speaker 1: because there are really precious things about that that you
Speaker 1: never are going to get again. And I was like,
Speaker 1: what do you mean, and she was like, you just
Speaker 1: being able to just truly, without explanation, get up and
Speaker 1: go without telling anybody. I'm going to Tagiti. That's just gone,
Speaker 1: just those little things, and I think that's more of
Speaker 1: the difference. Checking in was just never something that was
Speaker 1: like expected of me before, and it's like, oh now
Speaker 1: I have to check in that I'm coming home those
Speaker 1: little things. But I like it. I don't know. I
Speaker 1: think it just gave me like that I wanted, not needed,
Speaker 1: but wanted. Uh huh, that's interesting. I like the notion
Speaker 1: of dating. You know, I love having a boyfriend instead
Speaker 1: of having a husband, Like I just think it's a
Speaker 1: sexier sounding thing. And Joe, and you know, when I
Speaker 1: talked to my girlfriends about being married, they're like Gwyneth
Speaker 1: Palto said this. She said she was when we got engaged,
Speaker 1: we didn't live together for two years, or we got married,
Speaker 1: we didn't live together for two years. She goes, and
Speaker 1: it just got sexier and hotter our relationship, Like it
Speaker 1: became like a flirtation, almost like we were married but
Speaker 1: still not together. And she's like, so there was this
Speaker 1: build up she goes, where all of a sudden, him
Speaker 1: being my husband became so much sexier than him being
Speaker 1: my boyfriend. And I was like, oh, okay, let me
Speaker 1: try and think about it in that framework, because I
Speaker 1: always think quait weddings is like, Okay, then the party's over.
Speaker 1: That's the last party and then it's over. And I
Speaker 1: want the potential for another party to always be around
Speaker 1: the core on earth. Maybe that's the thing. Maybe you
Speaker 1: should have continuous parties going, you know, even if you're married,
Speaker 1: you get to have some kind of event that gives
Speaker 1: you the freedom to be I don't know, still feel
Speaker 1: that singlehood also, I will say I think it's different
Speaker 1: if I worked in a different industry, maybe where you
Speaker 1: come home every single day, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Like we have like the fortune of feeling like dating
Speaker 1: sometimes because you're out of town for work, so you
Speaker 1: have those little like periods apart. But that makes me
Speaker 1: miss him more even more, like just our day to day.
Speaker 1: So what did you do with your brothers and sisters
Speaker 1: on your wedding day? Like what what were their responsibilities?
Speaker 1: Because that is one reason I would get married, to
Speaker 1: make sure that all my brothers and sisters would be
Speaker 1: able to share that with me totally. Well, first of all,
Speaker 1: we while they were part of a lot of the
Speaker 1: readings we have like little things, you know, like letters
Speaker 1: that we've found, like love letters from like poets and musicians,
Speaker 1: to their lovers and things like this that we had
Speaker 1: I thought were really beautiful and had those read, which
Speaker 1: was kind of cool. They read that stuff, they did
Speaker 1: the toasts getting us ready. It was funny because it
Speaker 1: was like we didn't have bridesmaids or grooms men. They
Speaker 1: just were like everybody was a participant. Everybody participated, Like
Speaker 1: someone did the blessing, someone did the reading of like
Speaker 1: my brother married us, things like that, Like everybody's hand
Speaker 1: is in that. My nieces and nephews were like all
Speaker 1: the like flower girls. Actually one of my nieces was
Speaker 1: the bridemaid. Everybody played. Every single one of our parents
Speaker 1: and siblings played a role in the day and that
Speaker 1: was awesome. And how many brothers and sisters do you have?
Speaker 1: I have? I'm one of five? Oh yeah, okay, so
Speaker 1: me too, yeah, one of five? And what number are you? Um?
Speaker 1: Three medal. I'm the youngest where I belong. That is
Speaker 1: the only position for me. We'll be right back. So
Speaker 1: you must wear two hats in your family, right, because
Speaker 1: you're an older sister to so many younger sister to others. Totally,
Speaker 1: and like there's an age gap between my older brother
Speaker 1: and older sister and I so like my older sister
Speaker 1: and I who are She's two and I'm three. There's
Speaker 1: six years between us, so like I'm super younger sibling
Speaker 1: for them, you know when I came out and then
Speaker 1: like then they went to college and left the house,
Speaker 1: and then I was super older sibling over here, even
Speaker 1: though they didn't want me to be, like they like
Speaker 1: kept trying to steal me of my title of like
Speaker 1: older siblings, but like my younger siblings, but still supermassi
Speaker 1: and like we make them so like I definitely like
Speaker 1: balanced that. But then like my younger sister, Cheech and
Speaker 1: I were really close for a year and a half apart,
Speaker 1: and we're the only ones who are so a year
Speaker 1: and a half a part both girls and sharing a
Speaker 1: room together or a lot, and even were roommates up
Speaker 1: until like ten years ago, so like we had like
Speaker 1: an almost sister. Yeah right, Yeah, I shared a room
Speaker 1: with my sister who actually was six years older than me,
Speaker 1: and we did not act like twins. She was a
Speaker 1: pain in my ass from the very beginning. And we
Speaker 1: we had tape. We would line our room because we
Speaker 1: shared a room. Quick tape. Yeah, we put tape down
Speaker 1: and she taped her side to the side where the
Speaker 1: door was, so she thought that I was going to
Speaker 1: have to ask her when I wanted to leave the room.
Speaker 1: I was like, no, bitch, I don't care how much
Speaker 1: older you are than me, Like that is don't get
Speaker 1: it twisted. I'm still in charge here. Let me tell
Speaker 1: you my sister. So me and my sister we shared
Speaker 1: a room when my older sister moved out when she
Speaker 1: went to college. I moved into her room, being like
Speaker 1: I want my own room. But it was downstairs and
Speaker 1: it was by myself, like nobody else was down there.
Speaker 1: Hated it. I don't think I even made it, like
Speaker 1: six months by myself down there. Tried to come back
Speaker 1: into the room, which is ours because she does not
Speaker 1: own this house, and she tried to tell me it
Speaker 1: was not my room anymore. Like she tried to be like,
Speaker 1: you can't sleep, and I was like, I can definitely
Speaker 1: sleep in here. And then I remember she was like,
Speaker 1: well you can only have this, and I was like
Speaker 1: the thing, like I was like, I cannot be by
Speaker 1: as much space that I want in this room. Move over,
Speaker 1: get on the way. Do you feel like a lot
Speaker 1: of the stuff that you learned within your family comes
Speaker 1: into play when you're on sets and kind of like
Speaker 1: organizing people, like I know where Orange is the New Black,
Speaker 1: You guys had this massive cast of people, so like
Speaker 1: there are a lot of hats and a lot of
Speaker 1: you wore. But how do you feel like that has
Speaker 1: found its way into your work? Like your family dynamic,
Speaker 1: I'll say a. I think cooperation whether you want to
Speaker 1: or not, depending on the placement of the child to
Speaker 1: be there. I can't speak for lastborns because my last
Speaker 1: born is like super He's actually very good, but like
Speaker 1: was definitely the most spoiled, So I can only speak
Speaker 1: for a like people who have in the middle, like
Speaker 1: coming all but in the definite scheme of things, you
Speaker 1: have to cooperate. I think you just let a few
Speaker 1: more things roll, probably because it's not that deep or
Speaker 1: you know, it could go that deep, and it's over
Speaker 1: the stupidest thing, you know, So like that is something
Speaker 1: I think I learned. I like to be around a
Speaker 1: lot of people, like I like having people over, I
Speaker 1: like having people come and stay and stuff. Probably didn't
Speaker 1: really phase me that there were For example, of season
Speaker 1: one of Orange, there weren't enough dressing rooms at the
Speaker 1: studio for everybody, so like they had I think it
Speaker 1: was Sesame Street. Sesame Street was in this like shot
Speaker 1: in the same place wherever their dressing rooms were. When
Speaker 1: we would shoot, when they weren't cheating or whatever, they
Speaker 1: had a green room that a bunch of us all
Speaker 1: stayed in, you know, we would play cards and just
Speaker 1: like make up games and hang out with a fewers
Speaker 1: of your time to like get ready to shoot. There
Speaker 1: was a conference room just off it, and like we'd
Speaker 1: all go and change in there. And I think, like
Speaker 1: making things work doesn't really easy, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like you have to just sort of accommodate whatever the
Speaker 1: situation calls for the accommodating. How do you feel now, Like,
Speaker 1: obviously your career is going great. You were amazing and
Speaker 1: in treatment you were amazing playing Shirley Chisholm, And now
Speaker 1: you went from your big big break Orange this a
Speaker 1: New Black where you're participating in an ensemble cast and
Speaker 1: now you're moving on to doing stuff on your own.
Speaker 1: Like how does that feel to you as an artist?
Speaker 1: Are you feeling like you're standing in your power? More?
Speaker 1: Like this is exactly what you hoped everything would turn into.
Speaker 1: From Oranges, the new black, yes, but I think you
Speaker 1: said it right. It's like more the operative is like
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm standing into my power more. I
Speaker 1: think in the beginning I was I don't know, like
Speaker 1: wobbly legged feeling, you know, just I don't know if
Speaker 1: anybody else has ever felt this, but like feelings of worth,
Speaker 1: feelings of value, like should should I be occupying this
Speaker 1: much space or not? You know, all of these questions
Speaker 1: do I belong here? Even right? Yes, imposter syndrome, you know,
Speaker 1: all of these things are like super real. And then
Speaker 1: I don't know there was coming to an arrival point
Speaker 1: of like I might not know whether I do or not,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna stand here a little bit more sturdily,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Absolutely? Yeah. I wish people
Speaker 1: could see you right now too, because you're like feeling
Speaker 1: these words with your whole body. I've talked with my
Speaker 1: hands like so much and like i'll breathe, I'll be like,
Speaker 1: you know, it's like not and they're like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: totally know, and I'm like, you know, I don't know
Speaker 1: how that plays for podcasts, sorry America, but that's like
Speaker 1: why thing, But yeah, it's that feeling like I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm coming into myself. I also think that's like
Speaker 1: maturity that plays into that. I don't know how you
Speaker 1: ladies feel like just growing up generally and realizing like
Speaker 1: how like you've lived and how whatever sort of like
Speaker 1: conditions or restrictions have been placed on yourself, how has
Speaker 1: that served me or not? And whether I want to
Speaker 1: continue forward for the rest of the chat. First to
Speaker 1: come with that, Yeah, are you? Are you spiritual? Yes?
Speaker 1: I could use the language of Christian and those stories
Speaker 1: because I'm familiar with them. But I'm not religious. I
Speaker 1: believe in a God how we call it, how we
Speaker 1: name it. I'm less invested in I'm more invested in
Speaker 1: the knowing that there is something else above me. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was talking to my friend and she goes, what
Speaker 1: do you believe in? And I said, well, I just
Speaker 1: I believe. I don't believe in God per se. But
Speaker 1: she goes, oh, please, everyone says they believe in something
Speaker 1: other than God, that there's something else out there. She's like,
Speaker 1: that's God. I'm like, oh, I'm like, I don't believe
Speaker 1: in God, but yeah, that's the name we have for it.
Speaker 1: It's the only name or universe, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: They both they're both not cutting the mustard for me,
Speaker 1: So it's somewhere between God and the universe, even though
Speaker 1: I I also believe something else is at play that
Speaker 1: we're not able to ever recognize or see. On the
Speaker 1: oft times that we do feel it, where we feel
Speaker 1: like we've been touched by something bigger than ourselves, or
Speaker 1: something's moved in a certain direction. For the circumstances to
Speaker 1: turn out the way they do. It is a humbling
Speaker 1: experience to be like, oh, wow, this isn't just about
Speaker 1: me and my decision making. Do you recognize it in
Speaker 1: the moment or do you all feel it later, like
Speaker 1: when you're reflecting. I mean, the more I meditate, the
Speaker 1: more I do like you know, mindfulness and practice that,
Speaker 1: the more I'm open to it being a part of
Speaker 1: my day every day. I definitely in the past when
Speaker 1: there has been big moments or shifts, or I've you know,
Speaker 1: skirted out of a disaster that I was sailing towards,
Speaker 1: you know, like things like that, when there's all of
Speaker 1: a sudden everything works to make that impossible bigger moments previously.
Speaker 1: But now that I'm a hip to it, I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh okay, yeah, all of these things that are in
Speaker 1: motion are really have so little to do with you
Speaker 1: in the end. You know, everything has to come together
Speaker 1: from so many different directions for something to work out,
Speaker 1: right that I just assume it's kind of part of
Speaker 1: every thing. Now, got you do you like now with
Speaker 1: this business like you and this mathive career that you
Speaker 1: have have and have had over now decades successfully like
Speaker 1: which is it's a consistency of your excellence, you know,
Speaker 1: like the points right that it's not a fluke there
Speaker 1: is there? Yeah, right, right right? Well, no, I mean
Speaker 1: I think all of us in any career, I mean,
Speaker 1: if you're in this business, you do go through periods
Speaker 1: of self consciousness where you're like, wait, you can still
Speaker 1: feel like an impostor you can still feel like, oh god,
Speaker 1: is it old, is it too much? Is it the
Speaker 1: same as it? Blah blah blah. But yeah, I leaned.
Speaker 1: I air more on the side of like, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm at an age now where I know that I'm
Speaker 1: not an accident. I don't feel like I have imposter syndrome.
Speaker 1: When I go somewhere, I feel like I belong and
Speaker 1: I feel like people are pretty lucky to hang out
Speaker 1: with me. When they get the opportunity. Like I feel
Speaker 1: that way about myself, you know, like I don't spread
Speaker 1: myself too thin anymore because I care too much about
Speaker 1: myself and my well being and I just want to
Speaker 1: be happy more than anything. Like, I think it takes
Speaker 1: a lot of self assurance to just be able to
Speaker 1: say I don't want to work for this period of time.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't want to do this. I don't
Speaker 1: have to do this. There's not a desperation, you know
Speaker 1: that you have when you're in your twenties trying to
Speaker 1: get people to understand that you have something to offer.
Speaker 1: So if you lay the foundation and the groundwork over
Speaker 1: a period of time, then we get to step back
Speaker 1: and go, Okay, I've laid the groundwork for this career.
Speaker 1: Now I can have a little bit more fun with it.
Speaker 1: Now it's not all my my whole drive or my
Speaker 1: whole life. But yeah, I mean, you know, like being
Speaker 1: in a relationship that's new for me and I'm fucking
Speaker 1: loving it. I fucking love it, And I was not
Speaker 1: interested in that or looking for that in any major way.
Speaker 1: So changed then. Well, I think with my therapy and
Speaker 1: everything I did, I just started to look at the
Speaker 1: world in a much different way. So the person that
Speaker 1: I've been friends with for fifteen years, I saw him
Speaker 1: in a different light. You know, I didn't ever look
Speaker 1: at him like that before because I was very close
Speaker 1: is minded about who I was going to date. And
Speaker 1: a guy could wear a pinky ring and I would,
Speaker 1: you know, so am my vagina shut that night? Like
Speaker 1: anything could turn me off, Like it could be the
Speaker 1: simplest little thing. If there's a flip flop, you know,
Speaker 1: too close to my eyeline, I'm like, you know, like
Speaker 1: there are so many small I once went on a
Speaker 1: date with a guy who were an air May's belt
Speaker 1: and I fucking lost it. As soon as he got
Speaker 1: up to go to the bathroom. I got up and
Speaker 1: left without saying goodbye. I saw it. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: And then he was wearing a cologne. I was like, no,
Speaker 1: that's a deal breaker. I'm not doing that. So after therapy,
Speaker 1: I was much I looked at the values rather than
Speaker 1: material things, like I'm like, wait, somebody represents this person
Speaker 1: is fun and funny and I adore him. And then
Speaker 1: I was able to like become attracted to him through
Speaker 1: a different kind of Yeah, I would say different lens
Speaker 1: is how I always say it. I guess that's an
Speaker 1: apt description. Anyway, enough about me, so okay, so today,
Speaker 1: this is what we do on this podcast. We have
Speaker 1: callers and listeners who call in and write in for advice,
Speaker 1: and then we give it to them straight. Yes, you
Speaker 1: up for that task, girl, Okay, let's do it. Catherine
Speaker 1: is going to read us in with our first with
Speaker 1: our first patient. Oh and it was I was a
Speaker 1: doctor too, from in treatment. So we're all doctors here.
Speaker 1: So actually, you need to go get community college degree
Speaker 1: at the very least. You know what I actually did.
Speaker 1: I attended three colleges and one of them was a
Speaker 1: community college, and it was like they were some of
Speaker 1: the best classes I had ever taken. That's great. I
Speaker 1: went to community college for a semester right after high school.
Speaker 1: I tried to just throw my parents abone and said,
Speaker 1: I'll do this for like a semester and then we'll
Speaker 1: all see what a mistake it is. And I went
Speaker 1: to the County College of Morrison, New Jersey, which I
Speaker 1: braded two people, was one of the top ten community
Speaker 1: colleges in the country, and I studied Russian history for
Speaker 1: a month, and then I was like, I gotta get
Speaker 1: the funk out. Yeah, oh yeah. I was into stars
Speaker 1: and oligarch and oligarchs and all that ship. Anyway, I
Speaker 1: went for a semester and then I was like, this
Speaker 1: is I gotta get the funk out of New Jersey,
Speaker 1: Like this is bringing me down. And then I went
Speaker 1: to l A and I that was the end of
Speaker 1: community college for me. Well, we'll take a quick ad
Speaker 1: break and then we'll be back with some questions. Excellent,
Speaker 1: and we're back. And that's how we do it, and
Speaker 1: that's how we roll here at Dear. So we have
Speaker 1: some kind of tricky questions for you today. So it
Speaker 1: was beyond high alert. I'm ready, I'm ready. Our first
Speaker 1: question comes from K Dear Chelsea. I was in an
Speaker 1: awful marriage that was ending, and in a vulnerable state.
Speaker 1: I made the awful mistake of giving in to an affair.
Speaker 1: My marriage ended and my ex never knew of the affair. However,
Speaker 1: the man I had the affair with remains married with
Speaker 1: children and his wife doesn't know. I'm currently in recovery
Speaker 1: and grapple with the idea of making amends. I've always
Speaker 1: thought telling her would do more harm than good, and
Speaker 1: to make matters more complicated. I was also friends with her.
Speaker 1: Her husband and mine were coworkers. I was ready to
Speaker 1: let it go and keep the secret. However, after a
Speaker 1: year of no contact, her husband has tried to get
Speaker 1: in touch and back to his dirty ways, trying to
Speaker 1: start things up again. Gross. Do I carry this or
Speaker 1: do I tell her? Okay? M M, whoa m M,
Speaker 1: it's the coming back. Initially, when I was hearing the story,
Speaker 1: I was just like, leave it alone. Do you not
Speaker 1: address just step out that he's coming back. I would
Speaker 1: be like, don't call me again, and if you do that,
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell your life. I think you give
Speaker 1: him the opportunity to like course cracked essentially, and then
Speaker 1: if he doesn't, then like straighten him up. It sucks
Speaker 1: that they have kids such that that happened. It happens,
Speaker 1: but it also kind of sounds like in that letter
Speaker 1: and like she's do you want to go back into it?
Speaker 1: Are you looking for? I think she is not wanting
Speaker 1: to get back into it. She's mended her ways and
Speaker 1: feels bad about it. It seems to me that she's
Speaker 1: not interested. My question would be like, if she says
Speaker 1: no to him, is he just going to go find
Speaker 1: somebody else. Well, yeah, it sounds like he's already and
Speaker 1: I'm unhappy. Yeah, I mean that's not her problem. Like
Speaker 1: what he's up to is not your problem, because as
Speaker 1: long as the relationships over, it's not your problem. But
Speaker 1: if you said you were friends with his ex, like
Speaker 1: how close to friends? I would say, first of all,
Speaker 1: like is that a good friend of yours? Because if
Speaker 1: it is a good friend of yours, I mean I
Speaker 1: think every woman owes it to other women to be
Speaker 1: truthful and honest, especially in these kinds of circumstances. If
Speaker 1: she wasn't a really good friend of yours, you might
Speaker 1: feel differently. And then it's like you're going and blowing
Speaker 1: up this family. That it's not really your family to
Speaker 1: blow it up, and you're not having an active affair
Speaker 1: with him. So I would say, hey, consider the level
Speaker 1: of friendship you have with this woman, and like what
Speaker 1: kind of do you think you owe her? And b yeah,
Speaker 1: do what USO did. If he calls you a gang,
Speaker 1: go listen, I'm not interested anymore. If you want, you know,
Speaker 1: if you call me a guy, I'm going to contact
Speaker 1: your wife and that should nip everything in the bug. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I don't know how I feel about going in like
Speaker 1: blowing up another person's family. That's not that's like a
Speaker 1: heavy thing to do. And I don't think by the
Speaker 1: way that they're actuate friends because didn't it say that
Speaker 1: she was her husband and the wife work together, So
Speaker 1: it's like it's not like this is like from school,
Speaker 1: like you know what, friends by proxy of the X
Speaker 1: that it's like mm hmm, leaven alone. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: it's tempting. Yeah, when there are children involved, I just
Speaker 1: would say leave it alone. Just don't even go down
Speaker 1: that road. And if you have to get him off
Speaker 1: your jock, just tell him you know the thing that's
Speaker 1: going to get him off at your jock, which is
Speaker 1: that you're gonna tell his wife. That usually works. It
Speaker 1: seems to work, Yeah, more effective than get lost, I suppose. Yeah,
Speaker 1: having affairs is you know, it's so upsetting, but it's
Speaker 1: also so fucking common, Like so many people have extra
Speaker 1: may at affairs. You're just like, oh god, I wish
Speaker 1: it weren't so regular. Yeah. Well, and it's like how
Speaker 1: just fucking get me started? Do you mean you mean
Speaker 1: the time commitment? Like how people can even have the
Speaker 1: time to balance. How are you even doing it? Is
Speaker 1: the magic that I'm fascinated by. Yeah, exactly, like one
Speaker 1: relationship is enough for us. Yes, aren't you scared anyway? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Or too busy? Well? Our next question, and this is
Speaker 1: a caller, Dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty six year old
Speaker 1: single woman from Chicago. I come from a large family
Speaker 1: and have five siblings. I recently found out my mom
Speaker 1: has not paid the property taxes on my childhood home
Speaker 1: in five years, and the property is about to be seized.
Speaker 1: I am, however, in the financial position to get a
Speaker 1: mortgage on the house, pay the taxes, and make necessary
Speaker 1: house repairs. The issue is I can't afford both the
Speaker 1: mortgage and my rent. I don't trust my mom to
Speaker 1: pay the mortgage since she hasn't paid the proper taxes
Speaker 1: in five years, and it's generally bad with money, and
Speaker 1: as the only financially stable person in the family, I
Speaker 1: can't have my credit tanked with missing payments. So my
Speaker 1: two choices are one, give up my cute bachelorette pad
Speaker 1: and get a mortgage, pay the taxes and make repairs,
Speaker 1: and move back home with my family, or to keep
Speaker 1: my dating and social life intact say it's not my
Speaker 1: problem and watch my family fall into homelessness. Any advice, thanks, Jennifer. Fuck.
Speaker 1: I know it's a tricky one, big decisions. Jennifer is here.
Speaker 1: Oh thank god? Okay, good Hi. Hi, Hi Jennifer. We
Speaker 1: have Uzo on today too as our guest. Hi. Nice
Speaker 1: to meet. Yes, Hi Jennifer. Hi. I'm sorry you're dealing
Speaker 1: with that happened. It's life. Yeah, I know, we have
Speaker 1: so much baggage from our family. It is like, oh,
Speaker 1: look at that cute little what was that a cat?
Speaker 1: It's already gone. It's a cat. Tell him, I saved
Speaker 1: me out. What So what's this? Who's who lives with
Speaker 1: your mom in the house now? So currently it's my
Speaker 1: two brothers who are in college, and then my older
Speaker 1: sister who was disabled. And did you have a conversation
Speaker 1: with your mom about these payments not being Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean I talked to her about it, and she it
Speaker 1: is what it is. I mean, she's a teacher and
Speaker 1: the single mom, so she just she just couldn't pay them,
Speaker 1: and she freaking out that the house it might be seized. Yeah, definitely, definitely. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And how would you feel if you didn't step in
Speaker 1: and save the day. Yeah, it's tough because it's like
Speaker 1: part of me wants to like put on my cape,
Speaker 1: you know, and come save the day. But another part
Speaker 1: is like maybe I just kind of have a big
Speaker 1: sister syndrome, and I just feel like I need to
Speaker 1: swoop in and save my siblings because just kind of
Speaker 1: what big sisters do, you know. So it's kind of hard.
Speaker 1: I'm kind of about uh, my dating prime, just her
Speaker 1: living it up in the city, got a cute apartment,
Speaker 1: and you know, I don't really want to give that up.
Speaker 1: But it's like I am empathizing with my brothers and
Speaker 1: I couldn't imagine if I were in college and my
Speaker 1: life got turned upside down, I didn't have stability, I
Speaker 1: probably wouldn't have turned out as good as I did.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be in the position to do what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: And it's like I want to give my brothers a
Speaker 1: chance to start up their life on the right foot.
Speaker 1: But it's like, wow, at the expense of my own life,
Speaker 1: you know. So it's kind of tough. It's kind of tough.
Speaker 1: M Yeah, that's a big responsibility. So what are your thoughts, Well,
Speaker 1: that's totally a lot, and you know, just sort of
Speaker 1: echoing with Chelsea said, I'm sorry that you're going to that.
Speaker 1: Can we imagine day to day what you're thinking about?
Speaker 1: My question would be you could jump in and save
Speaker 1: the day today, Yeah, and what happens after today? What
Speaker 1: happens tomorrow? Yeah. The way I kind of looked at
Speaker 1: it is like, this wouldn't be a permit solution. I mean,
Speaker 1: I essentially am thinking, like, if I do this, it's
Speaker 1: gonna be a three year plan and just kind of
Speaker 1: read valuate how everything is going, because my biggest thing
Speaker 1: is just making sure my brothers are settled and they
Speaker 1: graduate college and they get settled in their careers and
Speaker 1: things like that. So it's like they're still kind of
Speaker 1: kids because they're teenagers. This wouldn't be a long term thing.
Speaker 1: Like after three years, I would kind of reassess the situation.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, it's like, and three years,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be in my thirties. I'm like sacrificing
Speaker 1: the end of my twenties to do the family thing,
Speaker 1: you know, which is a hundred in twenties years. By
Speaker 1: the way, exactly exactly. I don't know your family, I
Speaker 1: understand and that's totally empathized and sympathize with the desire
Speaker 1: to swoop in and jump in. Um. I wonder if
Speaker 1: there's a middle that can be found, if perhaps there's
Speaker 1: a world where you could stay in your great apartment
Speaker 1: that you have worked for and been excited about and
Speaker 1: aspiring towards over the years, And if there is a
Speaker 1: way of helping your mom and your siblings into another
Speaker 1: housing situation that maybe isn't this. That's that's sounding like
Speaker 1: it might be a little bit difficult for them to
Speaker 1: manage month to month. Yeah, that's another thing I was
Speaker 1: thinking about. So another option is we sell the house.
Speaker 1: We try to find another living situation. But it's like
Speaker 1: my grandparents bought this house, and like the eighties, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to find anything cheaper to house my family in.
Speaker 1: So it's like moving to a different housing situation, which
Speaker 1: is kind of add to the financial strain because this
Speaker 1: is essentially the cheapest option. I could help my mom.
Speaker 1: She could save some money and get on her feet.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'd also be saving money, but I mean
Speaker 1: I'm already on my feet, so that's not really an issue.
Speaker 1: So it's like moving. I feel like moving into a
Speaker 1: different house, just kind of push this issue down the
Speaker 1: road a little bit, like, if we can't afford this
Speaker 1: living situation, they're not really going to be able to
Speaker 1: afford any under living situation. Honestly, I think you're just
Speaker 1: gonna have to. I would go at home and move
Speaker 1: in and just make sure that my brothers and sisters
Speaker 1: are looked after and until they're on their feet. You know,
Speaker 1: you have another sister you said, you mentioned I think
Speaker 1: it's a three year if you have it in your head.
Speaker 1: You sound like you have You're a planner and you're
Speaker 1: looking at the long game instead of the short game,
Speaker 1: which is a huge advantage. You know, you can look
Speaker 1: at it like three years. It's not like you can't
Speaker 1: date while you're living at your mom's house. I mean,
Speaker 1: anyone who hears this story is going to be like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, you're a fucking badass. You know, you
Speaker 1: went in to save the day, like, you know, share
Speaker 1: a princess of power going in and helping your family. Like,
Speaker 1: first of all, that's very attractive, and you know, it's
Speaker 1: a perfect example for you to go check out guy's
Speaker 1: houses so that you can go listen, we can't go
Speaker 1: back to my fucking mother's house. So I need to
Speaker 1: go see where you live and what's going on with
Speaker 1: your situation. And I think you're gonna have a lot
Speaker 1: of self worth for doing that for your family. You're
Speaker 1: not gonna let your mom get kicked out of her house,
Speaker 1: not if you can do something about it. It's just
Speaker 1: not even probably in your DNA to do that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, if it comes down
Speaker 1: to it, like them having somewhere to go and not
Speaker 1: having somewhere to go, you're going to make sure that
Speaker 1: your parents and your family's exactly I don't want to
Speaker 1: do nothing, and then I'm in my one bedroom apartment anything.
Speaker 1: I don't want to tell you what to do. But
Speaker 1: at the same time, it's like this is your family,
Speaker 1: and it's like, yes, dating is cool, but like no
Speaker 1: one can ever replace those people. Period. Yeah, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: come and go really quickly. You'll be in your thirty
Speaker 1: five years. Yeah, that's when the party really gets started anyway, anyway, Jennifer,
Speaker 1: is that thirty that's when the party officially starts. Right now,
Speaker 1: you're just you're just pregaming. This is all just like
Speaker 1: tail dating question for you. Jennifer is your mom in
Speaker 1: financial duress, like right now or straying financially because of
Speaker 1: the pandemic? I think I mean partially the pandemic. Yeah,
Speaker 1: partially just because she's a teacher. Well, another avenue for
Speaker 1: you to explore. I don't know if you've listened to
Speaker 1: us on this podcast when we talk about Pandemuch of Love,
Speaker 1: but my friend Shelley to Gilski runs Pandemic of Love
Speaker 1: and they can figure out financial aid mutual. They do
Speaker 1: mutual financial aid for people. So if you go d
Speaker 1: m her on Instagram, it's at Mindful skate Girl. Is
Speaker 1: her handle Mindful Skater Girl, Mindful Skater Girl, say your
Speaker 1: friend of mine and just enquire about mutual aid because
Speaker 1: she is. She runs this foundation and they've exchanged sixty
Speaker 1: million dollars over the last couple of years with people
Speaker 1: who need help because of the pandemic. So try that
Speaker 1: too and see if anything can happen there, because a
Speaker 1: lot of our callers have used that resource and it's
Speaker 1: been really helpful for so many people. Oh nice, thank you. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So go d m her and keep us posted what
Speaker 1: you decide to do. Please. Yeah, you're not gonna go wrong.
Speaker 1: Sticking with your family and coming in and saving the day.
Speaker 1: You're never gonna go wrong being Florence Nightingale. That's good
Speaker 1: as long as it's for the right people, you know,
Speaker 1: your relatives. Yeah, yeah, I agree. I've spent many hours
Speaker 1: talking to my therapist about it. So just come down
Speaker 1: to making a decision. Good good for you. The way
Speaker 1: you're making the decision is good, good for you, strong minded. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, Jennifer, and we wish you best
Speaker 1: of luck. Thank you, bye, take care. Wow. Hopefully Shelly
Speaker 1: can just help them and then that will be the
Speaker 1: end of that conversation. My friend Shelley runs this organization USO.
Speaker 1: It's incredible. They just give money a way to people.
Speaker 1: I think it's more than that. It's it's a lot
Speaker 1: because it's been going on since the beginning of the pandemic.
Speaker 1: But she just finds people to match with other people.
Speaker 1: So whoever's like going through a hard time can find
Speaker 1: a donor in San Francisco, or you know, some guy
Speaker 1: who has money that want he wants to help out with,
Speaker 1: and then you can kind of cultivate a relationship with
Speaker 1: these people, your donor, and then you know when you
Speaker 1: fall on hard times. If the donors ever fall on
Speaker 1: hard times, they go right back to the source of
Speaker 1: where they were giving money from. So it's a great,
Speaker 1: nice circular system. Yeah. I mean, for anybody who's doing
Speaker 1: something like that, I would just say, if she does
Speaker 1: need to move back in with her family, like set
Speaker 1: really clear expectations, whether or not you see an attorney,
Speaker 1: like do that in writing so everybody knows, like, here's
Speaker 1: how much mom is going to pay in rent, even
Speaker 1: though she's taking care of the taxes. Maybe the older
Speaker 1: brothers have like a part time job and they can contribute,
Speaker 1: you know, a small amount, but meaningfully toward toward rent,
Speaker 1: toward the living situation, so that she can get back
Speaker 1: to the city and do fun stuff. Again. It reminds
Speaker 1: me of like when I told my brothers and sisters.
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, I've had it, Like I want
Speaker 1: dad to move to my house in l A. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get twenty four hour care. He's going to be
Speaker 1: at my house. He's in he was in a wheel
Speaker 1: chair at this point, and my brothers and sisters were like,
Speaker 1: that's a terrible idea. We're not allowing you to do that.
Speaker 1: I was like, why I could afford twenty four hour care.
Speaker 1: I can do all this to Like Cheslsea, you emotionally
Speaker 1: cannot handle dad in your house. It doesn't matter what
Speaker 1: part of the house do you think you're in. As
Speaker 1: your brothers and sisters, we are video wing this side
Speaker 1: of and I was like, oh, thank god I didn't
Speaker 1: go through with that. But I'm a different personality. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't have little brothers, because if I had anyone
Speaker 1: little to look after, I would just do whatever and
Speaker 1: I needed to do obviously said it right with older
Speaker 1: sisters in their own it's hard. I was hearing her,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I totally hear you, and it's
Speaker 1: tough because you're just like wanting to sail at the
Speaker 1: same time, it's your family, and I honestly like I
Speaker 1: can see both side. Like, whatever choice somebody like Jennifer
Speaker 1: were to make, you still would have to show up
Speaker 1: for your family in some capacity. You know, even if
Speaker 1: you decided to stay where you are, you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to step in at something. Yeah, family are hard, very
Speaker 1: much so well. Our next question comes from Francisco. He says,
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, my mom passed right after the pandemic started.
Speaker 1: My husband and I live in San Diego and my
Speaker 1: family is still in Arizona. I'm a kidney transplant recipient,
Speaker 1: so my husband and I were in a strict quarantine
Speaker 1: while she was dying. We were able to see her,
Speaker 1: of course, using masks. My family respect did and understood
Speaker 1: the precautions we were taking, but weren't taking this seriously
Speaker 1: and no one was wearing masks. I narrowly missed her
Speaker 1: passing since we were driving to the hospital when she died,
Speaker 1: and I was devastated. We siblings all agreed that we
Speaker 1: would cremate her and then wait until the pandemic head
Speaker 1: quote passed, then do a memorial and spread her ashes
Speaker 1: at her mom's grave. We waited almost a year, and
Speaker 1: my siblings decided to go through with the service spreading
Speaker 1: her ashes. I told them I couldn't go. It was
Speaker 1: during a huge spike and COVID cases. I begged them
Speaker 1: to please wait until I was vaccinated. At this time,
Speaker 1: they had just started giving out vaccines to frontline workers
Speaker 1: and then immunocompromised would be next. They said no. I
Speaker 1: asked them to please just save me a small amount
Speaker 1: of ashes. Again, they said no, because the Catholic Church
Speaker 1: doesn't condone splitting the ashes. Growing up, we always made
Speaker 1: decisions by majority vote. I asked for a vote and
Speaker 1: everyone voted no, even the sister I was closest with.
Speaker 1: I was so heartbroken they laid her to rest without me.
Speaker 1: I feel like I was not allowed to have closure.
Speaker 1: I feel they cheated me out of saying goodbye. And
Speaker 1: I haven't spoken to any of them since. I'm angry
Speaker 1: and I can't let this go. I've visited my mom
Speaker 1: several times since I've laid on the grass and just
Speaker 1: talked to her. I miss my family, but I can't
Speaker 1: seem to get over this. I'd appreciate any advice. Francisco,
Speaker 1: that's heartbreaking. It sounds like a bunch of people that
Speaker 1: didn't take COVID seriously and then can't believe that somebody
Speaker 1: is being cautious, you know, like, oh, come on, you're
Speaker 1: not gonna get it. I hate that attitude. It's like
Speaker 1: you're it's not up to you whether someone else gets COVID. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I understand you being mad at your family. You have
Speaker 1: every right to be upset with your family, So give
Speaker 1: that as much time as you need. And I think
Speaker 1: in the meantime, A great idea for you. I I'm
Speaker 1: glad you're able to visit your mom at the memorium
Speaker 1: where that she the ashes are I guess is where
Speaker 1: she's visiting at her mother's grave, So it goes to
Speaker 1: the grave side. Yeah, but there are ashes, not a grave, correct, Okay, correct?
Speaker 1: So you should really plan something for yourself, like for
Speaker 1: you to give your mother the goodbye at you is
Speaker 1: going to give you the closure, whether it's a small
Speaker 1: ceremony with you and your husband, or you and your
Speaker 1: plan something. Make it an event for you to say
Speaker 1: goodbye to your mother. Write something down that you want
Speaker 1: to read to her, you know, bring the flowers, bring
Speaker 1: your friends, if you want to do it with your
Speaker 1: a whole group of your people, then do that. But
Speaker 1: you have every right to celebrate your mother's passing. And
Speaker 1: I say celebrate because you want to celebrate her life, right.
Speaker 1: You want to pay respect to the fact of how
Speaker 1: long she was here and all the beautiful memories you have,
Speaker 1: and the fact that she's not ever going to leave
Speaker 1: her child's side, so she's always going to be here
Speaker 1: in some capacity. You just don't get to see her anymore.
Speaker 1: And I firmly believe in that, but you need to
Speaker 1: just have your day and have your funeral independent of
Speaker 1: your brothers and sisters. And when you are at a
Speaker 1: place that you're able to forgive them, then you can
Speaker 1: revisit that. But there's no rush to forgive them because
Speaker 1: they robbed you of saying goodbye to your mother, and
Speaker 1: I don't want you to sit in that for too
Speaker 1: long because then they've controlled your experience and now you
Speaker 1: need to take control back of your experience. What do
Speaker 1: you think that is like? Super heartbreaking? It's sad because
Speaker 1: I feel like COVID has done so much to divide
Speaker 1: so many people, and that your siblings that sound like
Speaker 1: are like not believers in It is sad, you know,
Speaker 1: and didn't have the compassion to understand your medical state,
Speaker 1: you know, and and you know compromise state to wait
Speaker 1: is unfortunate. But I would say, yes, you should have
Speaker 1: maybe a celebration of life, you know, along her, like
Speaker 1: one year maybe or something like that could be really nice.
Speaker 1: I do think it's important, especially when parents go, you know,
Speaker 1: I know what that feels like. It's important for like
Speaker 1: siblings to find their way back to like whoever whatever
Speaker 1: they were before like their parents left, because it's really
Speaker 1: easy when parents aren't there, sort of like sewing in
Speaker 1: the middle between each of you and helping to keep
Speaker 1: the peace over there, like silly or big fights that
Speaker 1: you have for those things to go on for like
Speaker 1: much longer than maybe those parents would allow. You give
Speaker 1: yourself the space because you are entitled to it to
Speaker 1: like feel what you're feeling. But if these are siblings
Speaker 1: who we were close to and like you had relationship
Speaker 1: with previous to your mother leaving, it may be worth
Speaker 1: finding a time when you are calm and you can
Speaker 1: say what you feel without concerned of how it's responded to,
Speaker 1: Like sit your siblings down and really tell them how
Speaker 1: you're feelings, because it sounds like that that is what
Speaker 1: it is at the end of the day, like not
Speaker 1: just the robbery of not being able to participate in
Speaker 1: your mom but like you hurt my feelings, and that's
Speaker 1: sometimes like the baseline thing I think most people can't
Speaker 1: ignore when you say that, like my feelings, you know,
Speaker 1: forget about like how they were like they were hurt
Speaker 1: that they hopefully will able to hear that and like
Speaker 1: a conversation can start and how do we work to
Speaker 1: feel that would for both of us, because I imagine
Speaker 1: they maybe had her feelings for me what they perceived
Speaker 1: as your absence. But how do we come back to,
Speaker 1: you know, just really sort of like opening ourselves up
Speaker 1: to a vulnerable place of saying like, my feelings are
Speaker 1: hurt and and why, and maybe that will gave some
Speaker 1: of those in roads. Because if you were family previous
Speaker 1: to your mom, I would imagine your mom would want
Speaker 1: you to come back to your family again, for sure.
Speaker 1: That's that's what it makes me think of two, is
Speaker 1: like your mom would want you to at some point
Speaker 1: forgive and get to a place where you can have
Speaker 1: a relationship. Maybe it's with all your siblings, maybe it's
Speaker 1: just with the sister that you were super close with,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I think it was a right starting from
Speaker 1: a place of vulnerability when you are ready for that
Speaker 1: and just coming to them with that. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: I feel that way about my mom when she died
Speaker 1: told me like, you better keep this family together. She
Speaker 1: said that when she was dying on her deathbed, like
Speaker 1: I'm counting on you. You need to do care of
Speaker 1: this one, and you need to take care of your brother.
Speaker 1: She said that to me and I took it like
Speaker 1: that is. Everything I do is without intention because of
Speaker 1: my you know, she never asked me for a single thing.
Speaker 1: And like I think any mother's wishes for her family
Speaker 1: to be together once she's gone, my mom may she
Speaker 1: restly just left us a year and change ago. Before leaving,
Speaker 1: was like this. You people to always called this you
Speaker 1: people like you, people you know who must stay together,
Speaker 1: you know. And I remember right after her interment, my
Speaker 1: siblings and I weren't hug and saying that, you know,
Speaker 1: and just really the biggest way we could honor our
Speaker 1: parents would be too still love and be in each
Speaker 1: other's lives. The shame would be like if we let
Speaker 1: that collapse, all of that work that had been done,
Speaker 1: particularly by this one here, if that fell, if it
Speaker 1: was only she was the foundation. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: There's no way, there's no way. I love so much
Speaker 1: of what I do, I love my friends, I love
Speaker 1: everything else in my life. There's nothing that matches will
Speaker 1: ever match my family. And even though I'm building my
Speaker 1: own family now, like that core family, it's just not
Speaker 1: where I'm tent. There's nothing. Was your mom able to
Speaker 1: see you get married us? Oh? She did. Isn't it
Speaker 1: crazy life events. We've talked about this before. Somebody leaves
Speaker 1: your life and then this, I know, you've been together
Speaker 1: with your partner for a long time, but the wedding,
Speaker 1: you know, comes, the times go together, like somebody leaves
Speaker 1: and then there's a baby born, or there's a wedding,
Speaker 1: or there's a marriage. It's just the way things work
Speaker 1: like that. As certain people exit out of our lives,
Speaker 1: other big events enter. And I've always been fascinated by that.
Speaker 1: You know, after my mom died, so many major things
Speaker 1: happened to me. I fell in love for the first time.
Speaker 1: I was starting my TV show, one of my first
Speaker 1: TV shows, and it was just like I was like, God,
Speaker 1: this is such an interesting dichotomy, Like I'm experiencing such loss,
Speaker 1: but I have so many distractions and so many things
Speaker 1: where my life was just beginning a thousand percent. Like
Speaker 1: you know, right after my mom passed away, my sister
Speaker 1: Chea che she just was pregnant. She just had her
Speaker 1: baby a couple of months ago, delivered just short of
Speaker 1: a year after my mother passed away, and like what
Speaker 1: a miracle, you know, like we say, like when she
Speaker 1: when she said she was pregnant. It's like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: after the rain always comes the sun. That's what I
Speaker 1: kept hearing, you know what I mean, and like thinking,
Speaker 1: and it's like, yes, absolutely, and look at this beautiful
Speaker 1: baby girl now in our lives, starting out in a
Speaker 1: new marriage. I'll also say this, I make this joke
Speaker 1: like with my siblings. I don't know if like when
Speaker 1: you first get to Heaven you get like a fresh
Speaker 1: batch of miracles or what the jury Also, you get
Speaker 1: like scooted into the front of the line from like
Speaker 1: the older angels, you know what it means, like rain,
Speaker 1: a lot of like stuff out there. And I was like,
Speaker 1: you guys, gonna get your wishes in line in order,
Speaker 1: and you know what I mean, to start asking for
Speaker 1: what you want. Because she's like up there, like I
Speaker 1: don't know how long this last, right, I don't know
Speaker 1: how long I've got this ferry dusk for. So get
Speaker 1: your ship together. Yeah, totally fine without miracles left and right.
Speaker 1: Like so that makes me feel good when I think
Speaker 1: about it. Well, our last question today comes from Cheyenne.
Speaker 1: She's also on the phone. Cheyenne says, Dear Chelsea, I'm
Speaker 1: a twenty five year old from Minnesota. When I was
Speaker 1: about two years old, my uncle Brian went missing. He
Speaker 1: disappeared after going on a trip to Vegas. My dad's
Speaker 1: side of the family does not talk about their feelings
Speaker 1: or any family history. I've always been fascinated and concerned
Speaker 1: by my family's lack of interest in finding out what
Speaker 1: happened to my uncle. So in college, I started digging
Speaker 1: for more information, and as I found out more details,
Speaker 1: parts of my family, mostly my grandparents, got very upset
Speaker 1: by this. My grandma even stopped talking to my dad
Speaker 1: for a while specifically because of this. How do I
Speaker 1: balance my interest and concern for finding out more about
Speaker 1: my uncle's whereabouts without making more issues with that side
Speaker 1: of the family. Thanks Cheyenne. Hi, Cheyenne, Hi, Hi, this
Speaker 1: is Uzo. Hi. It's nice to meet you. Hi, Cheyenne.
Speaker 1: So you started looking at you your uncle's murder or disappearance, right,
Speaker 1: You don't know that he was murdered. Yeah, we really
Speaker 1: have no idea what happened to him. Basically, all we
Speaker 1: know is he went to Vegas and they found his
Speaker 1: car in California, and there has been nothing since then,
Speaker 1: and there hasn't been any police reports made on it.
Speaker 1: So there's been a lot of frustration with me with
Speaker 1: my family just because I'm like, well, why aren't you
Speaker 1: doing anything? And yeah, that's kind of where I'm at.
Speaker 1: It sounds like the perfect opportunity for you to start
Speaker 1: a podcast and track and track your uncle down. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's not a lot of people have told me so.
Speaker 1: I mean, you have every right to pursue this and
Speaker 1: find out all of the stuff that you want to
Speaker 1: find out. Just obviously your family is not interested in
Speaker 1: hearing it, so it's not necessary for you to share
Speaker 1: all of your findings with them, is it. Yeah? I
Speaker 1: don't think so. In they like for me, I'm so
Speaker 1: open to doing this and figuring out all I can
Speaker 1: figure out, because even though I was very young when
Speaker 1: he disappeared, I care about it a lot for whatever reason.
Speaker 1: But I just get worried about my dad and my
Speaker 1: grandma's relationship because since I started looking into it, she's
Speaker 1: gotten weird about it, and I don't know why that is,
Speaker 1: and it makes me suspicious. But I don't want to
Speaker 1: think that way. But the thing that holds me back
Speaker 1: from digging into it is ruining their relationship. I'm seeing
Speaker 1: Chelsea in the if you are going to pursue it.
Speaker 1: You don't have to tell anybody in your family. You
Speaker 1: don't have to bring them into it. If it's your
Speaker 1: personal pursuit, it's your personal pursuit. They have their reasons,
Speaker 1: you know. I don't know what a mother's reason would
Speaker 1: be for not wanting to know what happened to her son,
Speaker 1: or a brother's reason would be for that. But they
Speaker 1: have their reasons, and I would guess that you have
Speaker 1: to respect their reasons. Whatever the reason is. Is it
Speaker 1: your grandmother finding it? Like? Can your dad just not
Speaker 1: talk to your grandmother about it? Or could you have
Speaker 1: to stop talking to your dad about it? No, my dad,
Speaker 1: he's pretty open to talking about it. I honestly don't
Speaker 1: really talk to my grandma much to begin with. So
Speaker 1: the last time I brought it up, I told my
Speaker 1: dad what I had found out and stuff, and it
Speaker 1: was things that he didn't know, like what what did
Speaker 1: you find out? It's kind of something I probably shouldn't
Speaker 1: get into. I don't know. I I don't really know
Speaker 1: like the details of it, so I don't want to
Speaker 1: say anything or come to any conclusions before I know
Speaker 1: that the actual details of it. But I had told
Speaker 1: him that information, and she confronted my grandma about that information,
Speaker 1: and she got upset and stopped talking to him for
Speaker 1: a little while. And so it's like having that he's
Speaker 1: kind of the middleman in the situation, and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't want your relationship with her to get roomed
Speaker 1: because of me. I think when you have a notion
Speaker 1: or an instinct that's strong, a like your curiosity in this,
Speaker 1: you should just follow that. Like when you're interested in
Speaker 1: something and you have a passion for it, there's no question.
Speaker 1: Then who gives a funk with your grandmother thinks you
Speaker 1: don't even care? Really, so just don't loop her in,
Speaker 1: and you know you don't even need you know, loop
Speaker 1: your dad. And when you find something concrete, if you
Speaker 1: find something concrete, but um, yeah, I pursue it, you know,
Speaker 1: you who knows what you're going to find out? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not okay, thank you. It's it's kind of one
Speaker 1: of those things I know the answer to the question.
Speaker 1: I just need someone to tell me to go do it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And Crime Junkie just in an episode about a missing
Speaker 1: person and they were working with someone who has sort
Speaker 1: of been looking for her missing mother and they did
Speaker 1: a whole episode on it asked for leads from their
Speaker 1: huge number of followers, So that might be an avenue
Speaker 1: as well, like going to somebody who already has a
Speaker 1: following and saying, hey, here's the information I do have,
Speaker 1: can you help me dig into this? Yeah, but yeah,
Speaker 1: it's your right. He's you know, he's related to you
Speaker 1: as well, even if you didn't know him because you
Speaker 1: were too you know, you're allowed to have that curiosity
Speaker 1: and thinking how nice he'd feel if he knew that
Speaker 1: his little niece he was two years old when he died,
Speaker 1: it is still you know, thinking about him all the time,
Speaker 1: like he deserves to be found. Yeah, yeah, no, definitely,
Speaker 1: And I'll totally look into reaching out to other resources
Speaker 1: and that kind of thing too. Yeah. Absolutely, And I
Speaker 1: would also say potentially try doing a twenty three in me.
Speaker 1: There are some resources that you can look at for
Speaker 1: submitting your d n A if you do something like
Speaker 1: that to database says that are specifically for missing persons,
Speaker 1: And I believe it's called the d n A Dough Project,
Speaker 1: So take a look at that. You can submit your
Speaker 1: DNA there and that way, if he is a dough
Speaker 1: somewhere and he was found, but no one knows where
Speaker 1: he came from because he was in a different state
Speaker 1: and all these different things. They can help identify him
Speaker 1: with that. Okay, yeah, I'll definitely look into that. I
Speaker 1: feel like we're hosting a crime podcast right now. Wow,
Speaker 1: look at all the resources. Catherine always coming in hot
Speaker 1: with some good stuff. I love murder podcasts. I'm a
Speaker 1: dickheard murder, you know? So all right, Well, good luck,
Speaker 1: let us know if anything transpires, if you find anything out. Okay, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Just great talking to you guys.
Speaker 1: You too. This was what penalope panoply. I was gonna say,
Speaker 1: a penalope, what a panoply of callers and questions today?
Speaker 1: Little murder. Well, I guess I should stop saying he's murder.
Speaker 1: They don't know that we're locked up. Oh yeah, yeah
Speaker 1: that's a good one. Mom knows, but the rest of
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Uh huh yeah, exactly like
Speaker 1: what mother wouldn't be interested in finding out about that,
Speaker 1: what happened to her child? So there you go. Yeah,
Speaker 1: witness protection. It could go a lot of ways. Right, Well,
Speaker 1: we'll take a quick ad break and then we'll be
Speaker 1: back with Uzo and Chelsea and we're back. Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: did you have any advice that you wanted to ask
Speaker 1: for from Chelsea? Yes? Is it just one question? I
Speaker 1: can ask whatever you want girl. Okay, okay, talking about
Speaker 1: marriage right when it comes to Spotify, So we both
Speaker 1: had our individual was follow me here expressing like it's
Speaker 1: so small, but you both have your individual Spotify accounts?
Speaker 1: Do we cancel one and now start a whole? I
Speaker 1: don't know what you guys about, like how many likes
Speaker 1: or playlists you have going? I have a lot. Do
Speaker 1: we cancel one account and then start all over or
Speaker 1: just keep the two accounts going. I feel like you
Speaker 1: should keep the two accounts going because that's a long
Speaker 1: history of both of you, right, and you can start
Speaker 1: one together, but don't erase the other two. Mmmm well
Speaker 1: there's a word. Yeah right, this is a real question.
Speaker 1: Waffling with this for a while. I also like this
Speaker 1: Spotify iTunes. All of this can all fall under the
Speaker 1: umbrella of like iTunes, like movie accounts to like you know,
Speaker 1: all of this is lives in the same house. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: throw me a couple of playlists. If you've got some extras,
Speaker 1: I could always use a new playlist on Spotify, So
Speaker 1: what don't you text me that so I can download it?
Speaker 1: Because I am terrible at making Spotify playlists, and so
Speaker 1: anytime anybody has a good one, am I please? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Be good show like I love anything, So yeah, send
Speaker 1: him my way an array of yes. Okay, that is
Speaker 1: a real question that I've been like hammering back and
Speaker 1: forth about. I had to tell you it was Oh,
Speaker 1: I wish we got more questions like that, Like it's
Speaker 1: a real one though, right, don't you do? You see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, We'll pay for the exact same thing.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, it's like, I don't know realistically,
Speaker 1: if I had the energy to like text and send
Speaker 1: myself every single playlist, you don't, I'm gonna answer for you.
Speaker 1: You don't, I don't, And I'm also not sure once
Speaker 1: I've text and sent it to myself, once I deactivate
Speaker 1: the account, if I can retrieve it. So then what
Speaker 1: we're really talking about is screenshotting every account and then
Speaker 1: physically going back. Do you know what I mean? Because
Speaker 1: I can send it to myself when it works, but
Speaker 1: then once I deactivate an account, as the playlist still exist. No, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think you need to hold onto your playlist, and
Speaker 1: I think so does he. There's a real question, what
Speaker 1: else am I thinking about? Oh, okay, do we want
Speaker 1: a second dog? Yes, I've never had we have one
Speaker 1: e an air deal Terrier. Then Waye bark is his name?
Speaker 1: Goes off? And do we want a second dog? And
Speaker 1: is it hard to manage? To you? I know you
Speaker 1: love dogs, but yeah, and I've listen, I'm not managing them. Okay,
Speaker 1: my housekeeper and my dog walker are, so I'll be
Speaker 1: honest about that. But listen to dogs is always better
Speaker 1: than one dog. So like, as soon as you get
Speaker 1: another dog, you're gonna be like, how did we not
Speaker 1: always have two dogs? It's not more. You don't think
Speaker 1: it makes your family even like more whole. It's just
Speaker 1: the best. You know, four is better than three at
Speaker 1: a house. And so you have babies or whatever you're planning.
Speaker 1: Just dogs are just winners. It's always a win. I
Speaker 1: love Fenway so much already, Like, but I was like, never,
Speaker 1: this is my first dog. I've never had a dog before,
Speaker 1: so and I love him so much and he's such
Speaker 1: a good dog. But like, I don't know anything about dogs,
Speaker 1: you know, except for what I know Fenway, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't know what this means two dogs, And I
Speaker 1: also don't know because he's five and a half. Doesn't
Speaker 1: matter if you bring you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 1: is he going to be dominant to you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. They usually figure it out, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Once they realize they're in the same house together,
Speaker 1: they set it out and they just kind of like
Speaker 1: operate together. So it doesn't really matter what age the
Speaker 1: other dog is. You just kind of like throw him
Speaker 1: in together and you're like, here's the situation. Everybody level up,
Speaker 1: and then they do. I do. And I think at
Speaker 1: five and a half, he's not gonna be like too
Speaker 1: old and grumpy that he'll be mean about a puppy.
Speaker 1: He'll be He'll be Okay, it's good. It's actually a
Speaker 1: great time because it's going to re energize your the
Speaker 1: dog you have and give him an extra lease on
Speaker 1: life and not an extra couple of years. Yeah. And
Speaker 1: also dogs are pack animals, so I feel like as
Speaker 1: people are going back to work more or traveling more
Speaker 1: as the pandemic is hopefully waning, they'll have each other
Speaker 1: to hang out with and have a lot less what
Speaker 1: do they call it when like separation anxiety? Like if
Speaker 1: you guys need to travel a lot or you go
Speaker 1: away for a week or whatever, they'll have each other.
Speaker 1: Thanks you, Yeah, thanks for bringing some real questions to
Speaker 1: the tables. Yeah, I love it, loved having you today.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. This
Speaker 1: is app have a great day, Thank you too. Bye.
Speaker 1: Well she was so great. Yeah, she's cool. She's got
Speaker 1: she's got a very calming voice and talking, you know,
Speaker 1: it's like very calming. Oh, guys, we have new merch available,
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea merch, so you can get Dear Chelsea t
Speaker 1: shirts or hats hats. They're really cute though. We picked
Speaker 1: up cute colors and yeah, and what about the flip flops?
Speaker 1: No flip flop flip flops? Okay, well that's for the
Speaker 1: best day. I mean, you know that's off brand, but
Speaker 1: I thought it would be funny anyway, only to sell
Speaker 1: female flip flops. Well, and gay men can wear them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just anyone who gets a pedicure on a regular basis, Yes, exactly.
Speaker 1: But yeah, we have merch. Now, how cute is that?
Speaker 1: So go to Chelsea handler dot com to buy your merch. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: we've added some second shows in areas. I'm filming my
Speaker 1: next stand up special at the Rymann in Nashville, so
Speaker 1: tickets aren't now on sale for that, and we've added
Speaker 1: second shows in d C. And at the Wiltern in
Speaker 1: Los Angeles, and oh, San Francisco. Yeah, a second show
Speaker 1: in San Francisco at the Masonic, and that weekend I
Speaker 1: perform at the Masonic two shows, and then Joe Koy
Speaker 1: performs the next night and the next night and at
Speaker 1: some arena in San Francisco. So we're gonna be both
Speaker 1: performing in the same city the same weekend. So how fun,
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, just a couple descending on a city
Speaker 1: and just doing wonderful things descending on our hot air balloon.
Speaker 1: That's how we like to enter cities. Oh okay. So,
Speaker 1: if you're looking to write into this podcast, I get
Speaker 1: so many d ms on Instagram not knowing how to
Speaker 1: It's a Dear Chelsea project at gmail dot com, Gmail
Speaker 1: dot com, so you can write in for any questions
Speaker 1: you have that you want advice on UM. If you're
Speaker 1: seeking advice about relationships, about work, stuff about sex, stuff
Speaker 1: about animal stuff, but not with sex, like that's a
Speaker 1: separate topic. And then anything that's going on interpersonal affairs.
Speaker 1: We like affairs we like, well, we don't like, but
Speaker 1: we like giving advice about them. If you're just in
Speaker 1: a situation where you're feeling kind of unmotivated and you
Speaker 1: need to kick in the ass, you know whatever. But
Speaker 1: don't be shy, because we love our callers, and this
Speaker 1: has been going just so swimmingly, Catherine. There's so many
Speaker 1: interesting people that call in and with really interesting problems,
Speaker 1: and then they double back with us and give us updates,
Speaker 1: which is so nice. It's so nice to see progress.
Speaker 1: And people always think like, oh, I never thought you
Speaker 1: were going to get to my question. It's like, no,
Speaker 1: we we're going. We're going through them all, so we
Speaker 1: just might pick yours. Okay, bye bye,