Speaker 1: Misspelling with Tori Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast. My husband and
Speaker 1: I were together for twenty years, married eighteen, together almost
Speaker 1: twenty and he has better organizing skills than I do.
Speaker 1: You know, we came from very different backgrounds. He came
Speaker 1: from a background where at a very young age he
Speaker 1: had to step up and do everything. I came from
Speaker 1: a background where I didn't have to and I'm learning
Speaker 1: as an adult on the go in the middle of things.
Speaker 1: So when we were together, he did do a lot
Speaker 1: of that. And coming from a background where I'm just going, going, going,
Speaker 1: I always talk about I'm in fight or flight. You know,
Speaker 1: what is the next moment bringing for all of us,
Speaker 1: you know, financially, emotionally, all of it. And it's challenging
Speaker 1: not having him here. And while it's definitely for the
Speaker 1: best for the family that we are getting a divorce
Speaker 1: and we have two separate households, it's challenging not having
Speaker 1: that partner. He did help me with a lot of
Speaker 1: that stuff, so now it falls, you know, and I
Speaker 1: was always a good cop. He was bad cop. It's
Speaker 1: just from by DNA and design, So you know, I
Speaker 1: had to take on that role once he was gone
Speaker 1: of being strict. He used to have signs. He would
Speaker 1: put signs in our house, like above the trash, take
Speaker 1: it out with like an arrow down pointing down at it,
Speaker 1: like he would put his schedule up like this one
Speaker 1: walks the dogs this day. My brain doesn't think that way.
Speaker 1: So I say to the kids all the time, do
Speaker 1: you want me to go back to notes all over? No? No, no,
Speaker 1: we can do it. I said, okay, because you know
Speaker 1: you listen to dad when he well, you didn't listen
Speaker 1: to You had to put notes up for you guys
Speaker 1: to do it. I'm like stuck in this situation and
Speaker 1: I don't feel I know they can do it, but
Speaker 1: they won't do it.
Speaker 2: So Tory, I think a couple things is one person's
Speaker 2: way to do things doesn't necessarily work with another's.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: So maybe one person says, you know, I need to
Speaker 2: do laundry every Sunday and I need to commit to that,
Speaker 2: versus some people say I need to do it every
Speaker 2: two days, or I need to set a reminder. I
Speaker 2: need to have a schedule. You know, I still have
Speaker 2: one of those books that open up that's a paper schedule,
Speaker 2: and other people want to look at their phone. So
Speaker 2: everybody has different systems that works for them. I think
Speaker 2: you're trying to find your system, but I think you're
Speaker 2: also trying to find your power, because I'm not feeling
Speaker 2: that you feel you have power, even though you say
Speaker 2: to the kids like, hey, this is what we need
Speaker 2: to do, and then they say okay, and then they're
Speaker 2: running off to something else. Right, And that's where the
Speaker 2: family work has to happen, where they they don't understand
Speaker 2: because nobody, not me, and not somebody else who's in
Speaker 2: your situation, can possibly understand what it's like to be
Speaker 2: a single parent with five children period.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: Then you have the demands of finances, You have the
Speaker 2: demands of running the household, paying bills, whatever that looks like. Right,
Speaker 2: And this is where I loop back to just even
Speaker 2: five children with not having to do any of those
Speaker 2: others is more than a full time job. But you've
Speaker 2: got it all loaded on you, and I have this
Speaker 2: sense that you feel like you've got to do it all.
Speaker 2: And I think part of this conversation is you can't
Speaker 2: do it, but what you have to do is to
Speaker 2: find the room to do it, and something will have
Speaker 2: to give.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: Maybe it might be that you know I don't know,
Speaker 2: you know what is in your life right now, but
Speaker 2: something has to give in another place to make room
Speaker 2: for you to attend to I would say starting probably
Speaker 2: with your home, if I if I had to guess, right,
Speaker 2: and with your home means starting to figure out how
Speaker 2: to get it in order, but also sitting down with
Speaker 2: your family and giving them an opportunity to talk about
Speaker 2: how they feel about being in the home, what they
Speaker 2: would like, and then talking about how they can start
Speaker 2: to contribute. Right, it's a family of six, it's not tory,
Speaker 2: it's a family of six. It's everybody involved. And once
Speaker 2: everybody can start to contribute, and I'm really just talking
Speaker 2: about the daily stuff. Helping with dishes, helping with set
Speaker 2: up the table, helping with laundry, making their beds, you
Speaker 2: know that sort of thing like those would all be
Speaker 2: you know, maybe important things we haven't talked about the specifics, right,
Speaker 2: And then for you helping you to start to pare
Speaker 2: down the stuff that you need to let go of,
Speaker 2: and then figuring out ways for the daily management of
Speaker 2: the home environment, because with six people taking out the trash,
Speaker 2: wiping down the counter, putting things in the dishwasher, all
Speaker 2: of that you have plenty of people to keep a
Speaker 2: basic household running. But we have to make sure that
Speaker 2: Tori is not bringing in more stuff. And if stuff
Speaker 2: is coming in, you open up the package. The SAD
Speaker 2: or whatever helping you to develop skills to say, Okay,
Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to switch out these lotions
Speaker 2: these bars of soaps with the ones that are actually
Speaker 2: from twenty twenty two. And again I'm making this up right,
Speaker 2: and then we're going to take these two donation. But
Speaker 2: there has to be a process of what comes in.
Speaker 2: We can't just let it keep coming in. And again
Speaker 2: that's where we started. There has to be a purging process.
Speaker 2: And wherever this podcast, this conversation lands us, I am
Speaker 2: happy to help you. I'm happy to work with you.
Speaker 2: I'm happy to fly down. We're in California together. You know,
Speaker 2: we can kind of do a little bit of a
Speaker 2: maybe a mass attack. But I will say, Tori, it's
Speaker 2: so important that you include the family. And this is
Speaker 2: a message to your listeners as well that anytime somebody
Speaker 2: is struggling with something, the key is is we have
Speaker 2: to look at the people that we live with and
Speaker 2: identify how they can be a part of the solution
Speaker 2: because you have named it and you can't do it
Speaker 2: on your own. And you know, I talk about a racetrack, right,
Speaker 2: most of us have seen racehorses or dog races or
Speaker 2: that kind of thing. And where where do they start
Speaker 2: and end?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: They start at the same place and they end at
Speaker 2: the same place. And we stuck in your head and
Speaker 2: you just keep looping around and looping around. And I
Speaker 2: know that this is emotionally super taxing for you. So
Speaker 2: that alone is physically exhausting. But then you know, trying
Speaker 2: to figure out, figure out, figure out, well, you know,
Speaker 2: when what we're doing isn't working, we have to try different,
Speaker 2: We have to do something different to get off that racetrack,
Speaker 2: you know, And your openness, your vulnerability is you know,
Speaker 2: just so amazing because I know so many of your
Speaker 2: viewers are struggling with similar circumstances and they don't know
Speaker 2: how to get off that racetrack. But the only way
Speaker 2: you get off is to do something different. You've got
Speaker 2: to ask for help. You've got to get to a
Speaker 2: place where you're willing to take that time to figure
Speaker 2: out what I need to do to do so that
Speaker 2: I can fix this problem. Because that time that you
Speaker 2: take will exponentially take care of the emotional and the
Speaker 2: physical stuff that is taxing you in other ways.
Speaker 1: I agree it weighs on me constantly. There's not a
Speaker 1: moment I don't think about it, and I'm not a moment.
Speaker 1: I'm not confronted with it because I walked through my
Speaker 1: house constantly and it's just I remember growing up. I
Speaker 1: had a friend and her family was wonderful. But I
Speaker 1: would go to their house and like the kitchen counter,
Speaker 1: for example. It's not that their house their house was clean,
Speaker 1: it wasn't that, but if there was space on the counter,
Speaker 1: there was something on it, it was fully utilized. And
Speaker 1: I remember looking at that and it was very different
Speaker 1: than my house. Everything was spotless. Granted, you know, my
Speaker 1: mom and dad had a lot of help this family.
Speaker 1: It was just mom and dad, so but I remember
Speaker 1: thinking like, oh my gosh, that's what a counter shouldn't
Speaker 1: look like. And gosh, I was like twelve years old,
Speaker 1: and I still think about it every day when I
Speaker 1: look at my kitchen counter, I'm like, I'm that mom. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if there's space and it's not me alone, but it's
Speaker 1: me too, it will be utilized. So we clean something up.
Speaker 1: We put things away. Every time something's used, it doesn't
Speaker 1: get put away. It just builds and builds and builds,
Speaker 1: and then we just kind of ignore and go to
Speaker 1: the next area. And it's just And I have one
Speaker 1: daughter that her brain does think very organizational. She can
Speaker 1: organize this, she can organize the fridge, and she'll do
Speaker 1: all that. It looks great. And I went into her
Speaker 1: room the other day and I was like, her desk,
Speaker 1: it is like every space would had something on it.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, even look at her.
Speaker 1: She was my organized one, and she's turning into me.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh gosh. When my husband and I
Speaker 1: started having kids, we had a reality show. And we
Speaker 1: had a reality show for seven years, and you know
Speaker 1: behind the scenes is there's crew, there's people that are
Speaker 1: willing to help. So I, you know, went from being
Speaker 1: this kid that grew up always having people around to
Speaker 1: help clean up to being an adult and having my
Speaker 1: own kids and having people around to always help clean up.
Speaker 1: So there was things would come in, they would help
Speaker 1: us sort through it, they would help us move things
Speaker 1: out on you know, wherever they needed to go. And again, yeah,
Speaker 1: I no longer have that so yeah, if someone could
Speaker 1: help me for a day or two, I don't want
Speaker 1: this life. Like I it's troubling when we have people over.
Speaker 1: The kids know the drill. We have five hours. Guys,
Speaker 1: open the closets, put it in the laundry room, close
Speaker 1: the door. It's like everything is shoved in places, and
Speaker 1: then you know, people come over and it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: it looks great. But then we never take the stuff out.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like.
Speaker 2: The more stuff is coming in, and so.
Speaker 1: Every closet is just and I want to let I
Speaker 1: want to let it go. I'm not even at that
Speaker 1: point anywhere where I'm holding onto things emotionally. Maybe the
Speaker 1: jeans a little bit, but.
Speaker 3: I you can it's fine, fine, fine, okay, okay, I
Speaker 3: got to be completely honest here and transfer it. But
Speaker 3: everything else, like I'm doing this podcast with you, and
Speaker 3: I'm looking around and you know, just to sit down
Speaker 3: to do this podcast, I had to move things out
Speaker 3: of the way. If I turn this camera around right now,
Speaker 3: people would be like horrified. And again, it's not like
Speaker 3: it's dirty.
Speaker 1: It's just stuff. So Tori, let's do it, really, really,
Speaker 1: I don't want to add to your plate. You have
Speaker 1: a million things going on, and see that's where I'm
Speaker 1: going to start to minimize myself, like, well, there's so
Speaker 1: many deserving people out there that need your help. Why
Speaker 1: need right, So when.
Speaker 2: Your people, I guess I should say, reached out to
Speaker 2: me and they were like, well, you know, I said
Speaker 2: how long, and they're like, oh, if you can give
Speaker 2: me a half hour, and I'm like, I'll give you
Speaker 2: an hour. I'll give you whatever you need, like whatever
Speaker 2: you need, like I'm here. Something that is going to
Speaker 2: be important to think about is the bigger picture, right,
Speaker 2: So it's not just you know I talked about you know,
Speaker 2: when things come in, if there's no room, other things
Speaker 2: need to go out to make room. But it's definitely
Speaker 2: a bigger it's a bigger picture. And you said something
Speaker 2: and I don't remember exactly what your words were, but like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I can get the place cleaned up, but then like
Speaker 2: what after that, Like it's I don't want it to
Speaker 2: go back again. And that's where I think the support
Speaker 2: in if you're open to one possibly having somebody come
Speaker 2: into your house to help purge that garage, right, No
Speaker 2: one's saying like, you know, one of the things I
Speaker 2: think that when we go into homes.
Speaker 1: They have this.
Speaker 2: Idea because of other messages people have got. You want
Speaker 2: me to get rid of everything? No, I don't. I
Speaker 2: don't want you to carry everything. I just want you
Speaker 2: to get rid of the things that are not serving
Speaker 2: a functional purpose for you.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: So, going back to storage units, I have had people
Speaker 2: who have said, I have a storage unit full of
Speaker 2: holiday items and every Christmas I go. I pull those out,
Speaker 2: every Thanksgiving, every fourth of July. I actually use it.
Speaker 2: So great, like, there's nothing wrong with having a storage
Speaker 2: unit as long as things aren't just sitting there for years, right,
Speaker 2: and you're just paying for something that you're not using.
Speaker 2: But the idea would be to say, how can you
Speaker 2: pare down the things that I'm not going to say
Speaker 2: are not a value to you because you're holding on
Speaker 2: because they are of value to you in some way.
Speaker 2: But how can you purge down the things that are
Speaker 2: just going to sit in boxes that you can identify
Speaker 2: I'm never going to use. Are they things you can
Speaker 2: sell or the things you can donate? Whatever that looks like,
Speaker 2: and then have here's a key access to the items
Speaker 2: that you want. You're like, oh my gosh, this jacket,
Speaker 2: this that or whatever, and then there's an organizational system
Speaker 2: to where you can pull that off the shelf, that box,
Speaker 2: that bin, you have access because I you know, again
Speaker 2: going all the way back to my wall. If there's
Speaker 2: boxes here and they're stacked all the way up to
Speaker 2: the ceiling, I'm not going to dig for them. But
Speaker 2: what is a really cool experience and I think you
Speaker 2: know this is when you can get to it and
Speaker 2: you can access it. You're like, look and see and
Speaker 2: we can yeah, right, And so getting that paared down
Speaker 2: and then getting to a place and this is the key,
Speaker 2: because Tory, this isn't just about you. It is entirely
Speaker 2: about your family. And when I say your family, the
Speaker 2: sixth of you, that the kids have to be a
Speaker 2: part of it, right. And that's just not sitting down
Speaker 2: and creating a chore list and say okay, this is
Speaker 2: what you need to do. It's it's far more than
Speaker 2: that because I think that in individually they have a voice. Individually,
Speaker 2: they have maybe some struggles as to why they can
Speaker 2: or can't do things or don't do things whatever. And
Speaker 2: then bringing that all together as a family, as a
Speaker 2: family unit to then work together because you're operating in
Speaker 2: a system, right, and if one or more parts of
Speaker 2: that system is not operating, it affects the other part
Speaker 2: of the system. And right now you're trying to be
Speaker 2: the engine of the total operational and albeit like you're
Speaker 2: trying to delegate and you're like, hey, can you do
Speaker 2: this and they're like yeah, sure, and then they walk
Speaker 2: off and you're like, Okay.
Speaker 1: They'll do it in the moment because they see that
Speaker 1: I'm disappointed or you know that I'm bummed or I'm
Speaker 1: doing it, So they will do it in the moment,
Speaker 1: but they won't maintain that.
Speaker 2: And so so there we go. That's where the key
Speaker 2: is is that everybody kind of has their responsibilities and
Speaker 2: that doesn't make you in any way a bad mom
Speaker 2: to have your children have responsibility, right, And so so
Speaker 2: having this team, having this this togetherness, and it sounds
Speaker 2: like that some of what like Dean had for you
Speaker 2: that was difficult for you. So finding finding your voice
Speaker 2: and finding the system that works for you is what's
Speaker 2: going to be most most important. Signs. I don't know
Speaker 2: if they work. Whatever it is, maybe a chore list,
Speaker 2: a check off, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Right, I'm not like, I'm not the calendar paper person.
Speaker 1: And I'm also not the calendar in my phone person. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: I work from a system in my brain. I have
Speaker 1: a really great memory and I remember everything, but it's exhausting.
Speaker 1: It's so that systems no longer serving me, yeah as
Speaker 1: well as it used to. So I need to transition
Speaker 1: the system in my brain into something physical and make it, yeah,
Speaker 1: happen for my family.
Speaker 2: And I think it's part of the process. And you know,
Speaker 2: toy insight what leads us to change, don't have insight
Speaker 2: to do change. And that's so much of what I
Speaker 2: work with in my facility is that we have to
Speaker 2: have a person understand what's going on in order to
Speaker 2: then make change. And if you've been doing the same
Speaker 2: thing that isn't working, then it's not going to work, right,
Speaker 2: I mean that sounds so silly, right, So thens as
Speaker 2: we get older and as our needs change, as our
Speaker 2: functioning changes, as memory changes, how do we adjust with that?
Speaker 2: And the reality is that first of all, five children
Speaker 2: seven to set well, their needs are going to keep
Speaker 2: changing as some boot in adulthood, as the younger ones
Speaker 2: are changing into you know, their teens, that kind of thing,
Speaker 2: like all of that is going to keep changing and
Speaker 2: that does require you. It requires so much from you.
Speaker 2: So I really hope that this conversation has empowered you
Speaker 2: in some way to say, as much as I don't
Speaker 2: feel like I have the time to set aside for this,
Speaker 2: I know that if I set this time aside, it's
Speaker 2: actually going to give me more time in the long run,
Speaker 2: both emotionally and also physically, because you will. You will
Speaker 2: read so many benefits. And I think that will even
Speaker 2: include your relationship with your children in way I know
Speaker 2: you know again they're your priority, and the love of
Speaker 2: your your your children just like exudes you know, in
Speaker 2: so many different ways. You know. It's interesting because someone
Speaker 2: breaks their leg and they don't even think about going
Speaker 2: to the doctor, right right, But sometimes we're struggling emotionally.
Speaker 2: Those are the things that will put our time off
Speaker 2: because we don't give it the same importance or relevance
Speaker 2: as as a statical.
Speaker 1: It doesn't seem like an emergency or priority, but it is. Yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: thank you. I would love to work with you.
Speaker 2: Well, I would love to work with you, and I
Speaker 2: think that this would be a separate conversation that you
Speaker 2: and I can have and I just really want to
Speaker 2: acknowledge your transparency and your vulnerability and being open, sharing
Speaker 2: your home and just talking about this, because you know,
Speaker 2: the first step to change is acknowledging there's a change.
Speaker 2: But your story has changed so many people out there
Speaker 2: today that you you you know maybe from a distant level,
Speaker 2: but you may not hear about people may share with
Speaker 2: you on Facebook, but your realness is so powerful.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm trying. And it's interesting
Speaker 1: when when I hear something, I want to immediately do
Speaker 1: it because if I don't immediately do it, I won't
Speaker 1: do it. So I'm like, oh my gosh, I hear this.
Speaker 1: I'm super empowered right now. Like as soon as I
Speaker 1: like get off of here with you, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I have a zoom meeting bafter that, I'm like, I
Speaker 1: need to like clean and do and like start to
Speaker 1: organize it. I'm like, oh, nope, pick up, pick up,
Speaker 1: pick up, And then tomorrow became amount of conversations still
Speaker 1: not doing anything because I won't have time. It's just yeah,
Speaker 1: So I feel like people need to ask for help
Speaker 1: because it's like they say it takes a village, but
Speaker 1: I mean it.
Speaker 2: Does take a village, and you know, Tori, it's not
Speaker 2: about you starting to clean or starting to try to
Speaker 2: figure it out. I think you've got to like ask
Speaker 2: for help and accept the help and take that take
Speaker 2: that advice. You have lived a lifetime of people directing you, right,
Speaker 2: So when you go in on a scene, right, you
Speaker 2: just don't do whatever you want to do, right, someone
Speaker 2: is directing you. You have a script, people are saying, oh,
Speaker 2: can we change this, can we do this? Oh, let's
Speaker 2: let's redo that, right, And you don't just go, oh, well,
Speaker 2: you know, I want to do it my way. Right,
Speaker 2: You directed in various ways any of your life, much
Speaker 2: of your life. And so this is what I would
Speaker 2: say is I'm not saying that someone needs to direct you.
Speaker 2: I guess what I should say is they.
Speaker 1: Do they do I take direction? Really well? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, and so that's even better, right, that's even better.
Speaker 2: And so this is what I would say. When we're done,
Speaker 2: I'm going to reach out follow up, and you know
Speaker 2: what it's it's not about what you do when we
Speaker 2: hang up the phone. It's not about what you do tomorrow.
Speaker 2: Really what it is. And I'm talking to you and
Speaker 2: I'm talking to your listeners because I know You're doing
Speaker 2: this podcast because you want to be an inspiration to others.
Speaker 2: You want to use your story. You have books, you
Speaker 2: have you know, so many venues in which you are
Speaker 2: trying to inspire others. That could you imagine after this
Speaker 2: that we do another pot cast and all the things
Speaker 2: that you did after this to say you know what
Speaker 2: I followed through.
Speaker 1: I would love that