WEBVTT - Naughty Elf On The Shelf

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<v Speaker 1>I'll be the first to tell you that martial arts

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<v Speaker 1>dot com. Forward slash eyes up here and tell them

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<v Speaker 1>that the Queen of Extreme Francine sent you. All Right,

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<v Speaker 1>well we'll continue the festive week here atrea on the

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<v Speaker 1>Eyes of Beer Extra. I'm out of my very festive

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<v Speaker 1>attire with the beard and the hat that was on

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<v Speaker 1>the regular eyes up here. But he's the worst. He's

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<v Speaker 1>the worst everyone. I am staying in character because that's

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<v Speaker 1>what I do. That's how I am. You're dedicated to

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<v Speaker 1>the craft I am, and it's itchy as hell. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>so itchy right now, much like I am. As it

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<v Speaker 1>relates to the Elf on the shelf. Have I told

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<v Speaker 1>you about this in years past, about the elf on

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<v Speaker 1>the shelf in this house. You might have, but I

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<v Speaker 1>don't remember. It's a big deal. It's a big deal.

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<v Speaker 1>Your kids love it, huge deal, you know what huge huge. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>whether or not one of them is putting it on

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<v Speaker 1>at this point to their surprise, where it goes every day,

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<v Speaker 1>that's not for me to speculate. But you have to

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<v Speaker 1>talk with me. No, it's talk to Maddie. I'm sure

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<v Speaker 1>they have. But she's got a good poker face. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>but she has never come to you instead, not a word, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>not a single word. And you know, my creativity of

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<v Speaker 1>not doing anything around people is still also very stealth.

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<v Speaker 1>So the elf is alive and well here right, But

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<v Speaker 1>there's this like underbelly of people who do very nasty

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<v Speaker 1>things with the elf on the shelf, of them doing

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<v Speaker 1>like you know, it's just funny stuff. But I'll show

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<v Speaker 1>you an example of like the funny things that I

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<v Speaker 1>do with with the the elf. Have you ever forgotten

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<v Speaker 1>to move your elf? Yes? And holy crap, you've never

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<v Speaker 1>seen somebody move so fast to get it caught? No,

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<v Speaker 1>never remember, even like like a week ago, I had

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<v Speaker 1>to like make the mad dash to to move it

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<v Speaker 1>at like four fifty eight in the morning, because I've

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<v Speaker 1>got do you like, what are the rules, like, when

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<v Speaker 1>do you have to put it up? Comes Thanksgiving morning?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh God, you of this ship, and then is gone

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<v Speaker 1>by Christmas day. Jesus. Now I never did that for

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<v Speaker 1>my kids. I couldn't be bothered with that. This is

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<v Speaker 1>a commitment, okay, Like, it's not just like you wake

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<v Speaker 1>up and go, oh, let's just do that. And he's

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<v Speaker 1>creepy looking too, he's weird looking. I don't want that

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<v Speaker 1>in my house. Well, let me show you some of

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<v Speaker 1>the wholesome things that we do with healthy Okay, it's tried.

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<v Speaker 1>In the pole. He's hanging on a chandelier. You know

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<v Speaker 1>what Liz said said it looks like Miley Cyrus, same deal,

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<v Speaker 1>same thing. So there you go. Wholesome. Right, here's another one. Look,

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<v Speaker 1>he's in a Christmas tree. In the tree. That's pretty.

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<v Speaker 1>He's just chilling right looking at you like I dare

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<v Speaker 1>you to say something. Yeah, he's wearing a necklace that

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<v Speaker 1>one of the girls made. Okay, you know where's that

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<v Speaker 1>every year? Yeah, there he is. He's in the coffee bar. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>it's got the candy cane. Chilling in a coffee bar innocent,

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<v Speaker 1>okay until somebody comes along. Literally, it's just a Google search.

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<v Speaker 1>All right, here's one of my favorite ones that I've

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<v Speaker 1>seen so far. Let me pull this guy out. Is

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<v Speaker 1>this an article or did you go searching for these?

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<v Speaker 1>I went searching for an article and just went down

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<v Speaker 1>the rabbit hole of the Google images and they they'll

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<v Speaker 1>have you dieing. Okay, oh Jesus, all right, here's here's

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<v Speaker 1>the first one. Okay, tell me if you can see

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<v Speaker 1>this guy? So I, oh, oh, you see this one

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<v Speaker 1>in the corner. I see some some cocaine blood coming

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<v Speaker 1>out of Barbie's nose. So I think Barbie is portraying

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<v Speaker 1>a dead hooker in this one. Yeah, and there's a

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<v Speaker 1>there's a couple of lines of a white substance. One

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<v Speaker 1>can only speculate. It's also in a mirror, but Barbie

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<v Speaker 1>seems to be dead. Barbie's bleeding. Uh, maybe the nose

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<v Speaker 1>or the mouth area. I go to bring it in

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<v Speaker 1>a little closer so we could see. Wow. Is do

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<v Speaker 1>you want your kid to find that on Christmas morning?

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<v Speaker 1>I do not here? You go here it is? I

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<v Speaker 1>don't believe it's Yeah, and look at look at his face?

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<v Speaker 1>He's like, yeah, I did that. He's like, just look

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<v Speaker 1>at his face. Don't don't sweat it, man, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>stuff happens. Good lord, there's a good there's actually a

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<v Speaker 1>good lineup on this one. I'm gonna keep going with these. Right,

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<v Speaker 1>here's another one. What is that? Oh? Ohis this this one?

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<v Speaker 1>This is there's a meme of this one. It says,

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<v Speaker 1>this is how peanut butter cookies or what do they

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<v Speaker 1>call peanut butter kiss Uh huh. I like those cookies.

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<v Speaker 1>But that's a cute one. I like that one. It's

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<v Speaker 1>a little turty. That's a little turty. All right, let

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<v Speaker 1>me get another up here. These are just I'm telling you,

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<v Speaker 1>these just tickled me and for us being so innocent. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>here's a good one. You'll enjoy this. I think you'll

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<v Speaker 1>enjoy this one. It's the Elf and Chucky Cheese grading

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<v Speaker 1>a marshmallow or snowman into marshmallow, snowball marshmallow things. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>all right, here's the wrecking ball that's like mine. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>but that's the girl elf. Oh they have a girl

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<v Speaker 1>version too, so they have a boy elf. Yeah, they

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<v Speaker 1>have a girl elf. And as my little one would say,

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<v Speaker 1>they have a brown skinned elf. Okay, so they have

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<v Speaker 1>all different kinds of elves for all different kinds of people. Gotcha. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>here's sweaty balls. Oh that was that skit when Satna

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<v Speaker 1>night Lie was hilarious. I loved it. Look at that.

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<v Speaker 1>That's great. That is a good one. This is some

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<v Speaker 1>detail to the barbie. Here, this is customizing. They cut

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<v Speaker 1>her hair like the girl. Now, I've seen many a

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<v Speaker 1>Francine figure customized. I wonder if they could turn you

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<v Speaker 1>into this kind of barbie. You know they turned they

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<v Speaker 1>turned into sweat balls. Well I didn't. I mean, I

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<v Speaker 1>know my action figure didn't have real hair, so I don't.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know. But that's a that's a great one.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh it's his photo copy. There's always that one guy

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<v Speaker 1>at the Christmas party who photocopies their asshole on the

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<v Speaker 1>on the printer. So there it is nice. Oh ouch, Jesus,

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<v Speaker 1>what is he? What is that cutting? Cutting the cat's tail,

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<v Speaker 1>cat's face. He's like, what is going on? So that's

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<v Speaker 1>been the other obstacle to your cat is keeping the

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<v Speaker 1>cat away from the elf. And it did. And the

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<v Speaker 1>older one doesn't know this, only only me and the

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<v Speaker 1>little one. She did knock him over over once she

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<v Speaker 1>was standing there, which he was. The elf was on

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<v Speaker 1>top of the TV speaker and he also has costumes,

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<v Speaker 1>so he was wearing like hard plastic pants, right, So

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<v Speaker 1>he's standing straight up, and the cat decided it was

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<v Speaker 1>time to jump up on the speaker and knocked him

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<v Speaker 1>over behind the thing. And Brite was like, no, oh no,

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<v Speaker 1>because if you touch him, he loses his magic. So

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<v Speaker 1>I say yes, So I said, I'm gonna get a

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<v Speaker 1>little little sheet, little cover, and I'm just gonna grab

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<v Speaker 1>by the pants. I'm gonna put him up and I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't touch him. That worked. There's so many rules with

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<v Speaker 1>this stupid elf. I will do anything to keep this

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<v Speaker 1>childhood alive. Listen, did your cat interfere with your tree?

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<v Speaker 1>The cat has climbed, so we have a we have

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<v Speaker 1>a nine foot tree and the cat has got I

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<v Speaker 1>would say about four and a half feet up. Did

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<v Speaker 1>he knock any balls off? No? No, no, that's the

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<v Speaker 1>tree where it's just like has like little like ribbons

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<v Speaker 1>and nothing like priceless. Our downstairs tree is the tree

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<v Speaker 1>where we have all the kid ornaments and stuff. Gotcha,

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<v Speaker 1>So that one she's not allowed down here at all.

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<v Speaker 1>So I've seen cats who like they just get in

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<v Speaker 1>the middle of the tree and like all the ornaments

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<v Speaker 1>are all over the floor. And I was like, I

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<v Speaker 1>wonder if she got anywhere near or inside knock on wood.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh wow, well yeah, but that's it to the first

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<v Speaker 1>or second night that we put the big tree up,

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<v Speaker 1>she got about four four and a half feet up

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<v Speaker 1>and we got her down. But we also broke out

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<v Speaker 1>the spray gun for the first time, and she books

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<v Speaker 1>it when she sees that. Yeah, we used to spray

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<v Speaker 1>our cat when I was a kid. My mom would

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<v Speaker 1>have the water bottle thing. Yeah. Yeah, they'd run like

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<v Speaker 1>hell and tell me if this is mean. I also

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<v Speaker 1>to get her out from behind the tree because she

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<v Speaker 1>hides back there. I play cat noises, like it sounds

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<v Speaker 1>that attract cats. Does that mean I'd be yelled to

0:10:57.600 --> 0:10:59.200
<v Speaker 1>cats to get them to come to me? But like

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<v Speaker 1>it's it's like, no, it's like baby distressed cat. Like yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>it's like it's like running out looking like oh, and

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<v Speaker 1>then you grab her, grab her by the neck and

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<v Speaker 1>we put her in. We put her in a cage.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh that's mean. Why we creturined her? When she's in trouble.

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<v Speaker 1>She goes in a cage. It's like a dog. All right,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sure you've seen many of this happening in a

0:11:24.600 --> 0:11:30.040
<v Speaker 1>uh locker room, locker room or travel on the road.

0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:32.520
<v Speaker 1>I'm sure you've seen the boys pull this prank before

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<v Speaker 1>the shaving of the head. Mostly it was eyebroils, but

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<v Speaker 1>you get the picture. Yes, absolutely, god, I'm sure many

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<v Speaker 1>an eyebrow have been shaved in your time, not mine,

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<v Speaker 1>thank god. But yes, this is also along the line. Okay, gotcha,

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<v Speaker 1>it's stupid. Yeah, I've seen worse where they're naked, bent

0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:07.920
<v Speaker 1>over and oh we can get that sitting on Barbie's face. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>here you go like this. Oh that's ghost, that's re

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<v Speaker 1>enacting ghosts. Yeah, that's ghost. Yeah that's cute. Rather buxom doll.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah another all right, another snowman. All right, let me

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<v Speaker 1>get it. Hang on, let me get those naughty ones

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<v Speaker 1>back in your hell. Okay, yeah, they're the funny ones

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<v Speaker 1>where they're dirty dirty. Oh, here we go. There's a

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<v Speaker 1>good one. Dick in the box. Yeah, that's cute, you

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<v Speaker 1>the box. All right, let's see we get here they

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<v Speaker 1>do get creative. Oh this is killing this is killing it. All,

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<v Speaker 1>it's easier if you don't struggle. And they're smothering some

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<v Speaker 1>sort of doll in it looks like root loops or something. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>that's weird, trying to kill her. I watched some I

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<v Speaker 1>watched some interesting Christmas horror movies over the last week

0:13:11.200 --> 0:13:15.520
<v Speaker 1>or so. Good. Oh yeah, they're old school, they're from

0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:19.920
<v Speaker 1>the eighties. The Plex Library has been very good to me. Yeah,

0:13:21.400 --> 0:13:23.480
<v Speaker 1>we're glad you're enjoying it. Oh, I love it. I

0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:26.360
<v Speaker 1>think about you guys all the time. You have no idea.

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<v Speaker 1>All my children think of of Hubs as the man

0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:38.000
<v Speaker 1>with the Golden Library. Oh he's laughing because they go,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, is this movie on Plex? I'm like probably,

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<v Speaker 1>And if not, well that's why. You know, we couldn't

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<v Speaker 1>find jingle all the way. We were a little peeved,

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<v Speaker 1>but we got it was there. It was there. Okay,

0:13:56.760 --> 0:14:01.880
<v Speaker 1>how about this one. He's got the money on a

0:14:01.920 --> 0:14:05.920
<v Speaker 1>baby food jar. So it's a Monster High doll that

0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:10.600
<v Speaker 1>is stripping on it looks like uh, paper towel rack.

0:14:11.120 --> 0:14:14.960
<v Speaker 1>They Monster High dolls have four makeup. They are super hory.

0:14:15.200 --> 0:14:20.800
<v Speaker 1>They really are not to be outdone though by Rainbow High. Okay,

0:14:20.920 --> 0:14:24.720
<v Speaker 1>and also Shadow high. I've never heard of those. Are

0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:28.480
<v Speaker 1>they the next generation? Or oh yeah, my daughter never

0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:31.560
<v Speaker 1>really got into that kind of stuff, so super hory.

0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:34.680
<v Speaker 1>And look at what what did dick Ball say? Look

0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:38.920
<v Speaker 1>at dick Ball says me and my sugar daddy. And

0:14:38.920 --> 0:14:41.480
<v Speaker 1>this one says fuck not her. Monster high was my

0:14:41.840 --> 0:14:44.200
<v Speaker 1>fuck not her. My monster high was my thing back

0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:47.920
<v Speaker 1>when I was little. Oh what the hell is this one? Oh? Yeah,

0:14:47.960 --> 0:14:50.080
<v Speaker 1>threesome in the hot tub. Did you see that? Look

0:14:50.600 --> 0:14:54.160
<v Speaker 1>down there and naked? Whoa wait, wait, this one is

0:14:54.160 --> 0:14:56.320
<v Speaker 1>Look this elf is doing the fart trick and the

0:14:56.960 --> 0:14:59.760
<v Speaker 1>soot is all on the other ELF's face. Because far

0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:05.680
<v Speaker 1>this is okay? Right, here's one. No, it was on

0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:10.040
<v Speaker 1>the last. This one is that that's dick in the box.

0:15:10.280 --> 0:15:12.560
<v Speaker 1>That's the dick in the box one where they were

0:15:12.560 --> 0:15:17.360
<v Speaker 1>all in the hot tub together. There is the final

0:15:17.520 --> 0:15:21.240
<v Speaker 1>jack and two broads. That's great. And see like this

0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:25.800
<v Speaker 1>is one that I can't get behind. M what is

0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:30.760
<v Speaker 1>a dead? Yes? They ate them. Yeah, I don't like that.

0:15:32.600 --> 0:15:36.080
<v Speaker 1>It's about the kids. Hey, how weird is this on

0:15:36.160 --> 0:15:39.760
<v Speaker 1>the bottom? This is my why does it Pinterest? As

0:15:39.840 --> 0:15:42.280
<v Speaker 1>I say, is this Facebook? Because that was my Facebook

0:15:42.320 --> 0:15:46.920
<v Speaker 1>profile picture? But I guess that's Pinterest, don't didn't. I

0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:49.560
<v Speaker 1>didn't know I had a Pinterest account. I don't use Pinterest.

0:15:49.880 --> 0:15:53.440
<v Speaker 1>That's uh. I gotta say a little a little questionable me.

0:15:53.520 --> 0:15:56.600
<v Speaker 1>It's weird. That's a little weird. And last one here,

0:15:56.680 --> 0:15:58.400
<v Speaker 1>I don't know that we've seen elf on the shelf,

0:15:58.720 --> 0:16:03.360
<v Speaker 1>but have you seen snoop on a stoop? But that's great,

0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:06.880
<v Speaker 1>you should use it next year. Snoop on the stoop.

0:16:06.920 --> 0:16:10.520
<v Speaker 1>He's got a big split in his mouth. Yeah, yeah,

0:16:10.560 --> 0:16:12.720
<v Speaker 1>it's the real thing. And he's just chilling. Look at

0:16:12.720 --> 0:16:14.880
<v Speaker 1>this guy just making money. He hand o her foot

0:16:14.920 --> 0:16:18.560
<v Speaker 1>with this ship, isn't he? Wow? Next to a goose?

0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:20.920
<v Speaker 1>Look at them? Yeah, look at this goose. I don't

0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:24.000
<v Speaker 1>know what the goose here. He's just he's just Snoop

0:16:24.040 --> 0:16:26.600
<v Speaker 1>on the stoop looking a joint next to a goose. Yeah,

0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.720
<v Speaker 1>he's got that. He's a Stewart doll to be next

0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:31.920
<v Speaker 1>to him, and they just you know, oh, here she is,

0:16:31.960 --> 0:16:37.720
<v Speaker 1>she's right here. Look at that. There's also a Jewish

0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:39.560
<v Speaker 1>one and I just can't remember what the name of

0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:42.880
<v Speaker 1>it is. A Jewish like a Jewish Elf on the

0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:46.320
<v Speaker 1>shelf during honka. I suppose it's what the hell is

0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:51.200
<v Speaker 1>not like hannakhah, Harry, it's something. Oh man, that's gonna

0:16:51.240 --> 0:16:53.840
<v Speaker 1>kill me. Now I'll find it at some point. Okay.

0:16:54.280 --> 0:16:58.720
<v Speaker 1>Interesting mention on a bench? That was it? Mention on

0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:05.240
<v Speaker 1>a bench? What's a mench? A mensch is a Jewish word? Yeah?

0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:10.120
<v Speaker 1>Or like yeah, I think it's old man or like

0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:13.000
<v Speaker 1>like you know, not idiot, but I don't know, so yeah,

0:17:13.000 --> 0:17:17.640
<v Speaker 1>it might be old man. But mench on a bench? Nice? Okay? Interesting?

0:17:17.840 --> 0:17:20.159
<v Speaker 1>You think kids get into mens on a bench like

0:17:20.240 --> 0:17:23.240
<v Speaker 1>they do this? I can't work. I think we're tonight

0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:26.280
<v Speaker 1>as we're recording. This is the second night of Hanukkah?

0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:30.119
<v Speaker 1>Is it? Well? Happy Honkah? If you're watching, you remember

0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:32.520
<v Speaker 1>when the Honka song was like a huge deal. Yes,

0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:36.199
<v Speaker 1>I do not know. Adam Sandler was Jewish and so

0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:38.119
<v Speaker 1>when he started singing that song, I was like, this

0:17:38.200 --> 0:17:39.760
<v Speaker 1>is weird. Why is he singing this song? And then

0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:44.000
<v Speaker 1>I was like, oh, he is a Hebrew. But what

0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:46.600
<v Speaker 1>happened to that? It was all over the place like

0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:51.359
<v Speaker 1>ten years ago and before it is. Yeah, it's a

0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:54.720
<v Speaker 1>it's not new and hip like it was before, but

0:17:54.840 --> 0:18:00.840
<v Speaker 1>it's still there. No, so she's trying to say I'm old.

0:18:02.640 --> 0:18:06.960
<v Speaker 1>Well you know no, yes, oh okay, you and me, both,

0:18:08.400 --> 0:18:11.480
<v Speaker 1>you and me both. You know young at heart? Right?

0:18:11.880 --> 0:18:13.480
<v Speaker 1>Is that what we say? Young at heart? That's what

0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:15.760
<v Speaker 1>we are. Look at us sitting here in a costume,

0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:19.760
<v Speaker 1>and we're always young at heart. But it's a good

0:18:19.840 --> 0:18:22.399
<v Speaker 1>Those things are fun. I think that this is a

0:18:22.920 --> 0:18:26.359
<v Speaker 1>next year. I hope people spread the word, like in town,

0:18:26.400 --> 0:18:30.040
<v Speaker 1>about me, because I would do little things around if

0:18:30.040 --> 0:18:32.880
<v Speaker 1>they need a Santa in a pinch. Well, this year,

0:18:32.880 --> 0:18:35.920
<v Speaker 1>you waited too long to inquire. Yeah I did because

0:18:35.960 --> 0:18:38.000
<v Speaker 1>I only had it for like really two and a

0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:40.840
<v Speaker 1>half weeks. Yeah you wait you yeah. Next year, well,

0:18:41.560 --> 0:18:45.240
<v Speaker 1>I would like before Thanksgiving. I would go around and

0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:49.199
<v Speaker 1>be like, hey, I'm available, like at the beginning of November,

0:18:50.080 --> 0:18:53.120
<v Speaker 1>because you know, Santa comes out right Thanksgiving weekend there. Yeah,

0:18:54.080 --> 0:18:56.439
<v Speaker 1>so you want to do any appearances with Santa Claus

0:18:56.440 --> 0:18:59.359
<v Speaker 1>next year, I have the costume. I mean, if they

0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:02.840
<v Speaker 1>want to come on, I'm not sitting to make it.

0:19:02.880 --> 0:19:05.080
<v Speaker 1>We make a killing here. No, no, no, you'd be

0:19:05.119 --> 0:19:08.199
<v Speaker 1>the olf I can be. I can be this sidekick. Yeah,

0:19:08.320 --> 0:19:11.000
<v Speaker 1>we'll travel all around. I'll be your sidekick instead of

0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:14.719
<v Speaker 1>you be mine. That's true. That's very true. So I mean,

0:19:14.760 --> 0:19:16.560
<v Speaker 1>and you already told me all the people that were

0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:18.760
<v Speaker 1>asking about me this past weekend are asking for me.

0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:25.600
<v Speaker 1>That was a zero zero. Oh, she's just playing. All right, Well,

0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:28.200
<v Speaker 1>we'll get out of here for today. The eyes up

0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:31.119
<v Speaker 1>here extra, go move your elf on the shelf before

0:19:31.160 --> 0:19:34.320
<v Speaker 1>you forget for the Queen of Extreme. This is the

0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:38.920
<v Speaker 1>Chad Stir. We'll catch you on the flip side. Hey,

0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:40.960
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