Speaker 1: If you have a middle schooler and they have a phone,
Speaker 1: check that shit.
Speaker 2: Period. Dead ass.
Speaker 3: And I am terrified of the idea of my boys
Speaker 3: growing up and doing grown people's stuff.
Speaker 2: Deadass, man, I just can't. Oh. Hey, I'm Kadeen and
Speaker 2: I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 2: With our boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 2: form of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 4: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 4: li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: Were about to take philos off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: I wonder if you should tell a story too. I
Speaker 1: don't know if you women don't have to tell typically
Speaker 1: tell these stories, but I'll tell my story. You want
Speaker 1: to tell yours?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 1: It's right here.
Speaker 2: I mean, I know what your story is. I know
Speaker 2: what that means.
Speaker 3: But I'm just saying, you typically do story times, so
Speaker 3: I don't even have a story in my mind.
Speaker 2: I don't know what you were thinking about.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, a story just says here of your
Speaker 1: earliest sexual activity or encounter.
Speaker 2: Oh got you?
Speaker 1: If you would read the Runner Show, then I don't.
Speaker 2: Typically read storytime because time you'll.
Speaker 1: Be doing work over here, Trouble and Kate don't be
Speaker 1: looking at none of the stuff you put on a paper.
Speaker 1: I just want to be clear everybody at the live
Speaker 1: shows you're talking about, I don't be reading the Runner
Speaker 1: Show now.
Speaker 3: Y'all see story time, y'all, I may be done two
Speaker 3: story times in our entire existence of having it.
Speaker 2: That's podcast. So I don't typically look at storytime. Do
Speaker 2: you normally do it?
Speaker 1: That's why I asked the question. I said, I'm going
Speaker 1: to do a story. Would you like to do your story?
Speaker 3: And you said your story? As if we prior discussed
Speaker 3: the story. We've never discussed the story me doing today.
Speaker 1: The bottom line is the bottom line. The bottom line is,
Speaker 1: had you read the run of show. Right when I said,
Speaker 1: would you like to tell your story? The context would
Speaker 1: have been there because you would have seen here on
Speaker 1: the paper that trip created. No, no, no, trying to finish.
Speaker 2: You're right here because you're not.
Speaker 1: I am somebody.
Speaker 2: Somebody Let me ask y'all that if that typically does
Speaker 2: story time.
Speaker 1: I just looked at job, Josh, look at me.
Speaker 2: Don't look at me exactly period, So y'all stay out
Speaker 2: of it.
Speaker 1: However, my thought is right here in the paper. It
Speaker 1: says story time, tell us about one of your earliest
Speaker 1: encounters with sexual activity as a younger teenager. Right, That's
Speaker 1: what it says in the paper. So my thought is
Speaker 1: if you would have read the run of show. When
Speaker 1: I say, oh, it's storytime, I could tell mine, would
Speaker 1: you like to tell yours? You would have known what
Speaker 1: I was talking about because it's here on the paper
Speaker 1: that trip will create. That's my thought. But if I'm
Speaker 1: wrong for expecting you to read the run the show,
Speaker 1: then that's on me. You can just say that.
Speaker 3: And brand new as if you always be reading runs
Speaker 3: of shows typically on the podcast and listen, I'm speaking.
Speaker 2: Brand gave you your chance. I gave you writ me.
Speaker 1: Out the paper of this, motherfuckers. I'm brand new, Okay,
Speaker 1: rip me out the classic, writ me out the plastic
Speaker 1: because I'm brand new.
Speaker 3: Get the lyrics correct. Typically, y'all, when y'all listen to
Speaker 3: that ass podcast, whether it's a live show or the recording,
Speaker 3: who does story times nine times out of ten devo?
Speaker 3: So I typically don't even look at storytime because that's
Speaker 3: not my domain unless I'm giving a story about something
Speaker 3: pertinent to me or if it's an all ladies episode.
Speaker 3: So when you look at me and say do you
Speaker 3: want to tell your story? I had no idea what
Speaker 3: you were talking about.
Speaker 1: Because you have one prepared because you didn't read this.
Speaker 2: It didn't have one prepared.
Speaker 1: But because you didn't read the you didn't read this.
Speaker 2: It has nothing to do with reading.
Speaker 3: That had everything to do with the fact that I
Speaker 3: don't typically do storytime, nor did we discuss me doing
Speaker 3: a storytime spoke about doing this.
Speaker 1: That's your question.
Speaker 2: Period.
Speaker 1: Did you read the run of show to know what
Speaker 1: storytime was about?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: I know, That's what the whole point is. The whole
Speaker 1: point was that you didn't read the runner show before
Speaker 1: the show started. That was the whole point.
Speaker 2: How many minutes and are we doing this?
Speaker 1: That was the whole point. I would just like for
Speaker 1: the record to show the record showing that Kadeen didn't
Speaker 1: read the Runner Show when she be bragging everybody that
Speaker 1: I don't be reading the Runner Show. So since you
Speaker 1: didn't read the run of showhow.
Speaker 3: Me the exception that I'll show you the rule one timer.
Speaker 3: Go ahead and just do your story, just the exception.
Speaker 1: But you got to be accountable for this exception? Do
Speaker 1: you accept? Do you accept the accountability of the ex.
Speaker 3: You got?
Speaker 1: She's taking in the story time? But once again, but
Speaker 1: once again, I still had a question though. I had
Speaker 1: a question though, would you like to give your first
Speaker 1: and sexual encounter as a young teenager or not? That's
Speaker 1: that's really what the question was about.
Speaker 2: No, I'm saying you go ahead. I didn't even have
Speaker 2: to think about so for.
Speaker 1: This, you had that many as a young teenager? What
Speaker 1: was happening in your house?
Speaker 3: Shut up, don't say that, because they're gonna take the clips.
Speaker 3: Then they're gonna take the ten second clip and that
Speaker 3: go viral. How I was a hussy as a teenager?
Speaker 3: I was not.
Speaker 1: Whoever do that? Whoever done that? Whoever do that? Come
Speaker 1: to see me.
Speaker 2: Let's see you because you started it.
Speaker 3: But what I'm saying is that I haven't even gotten
Speaker 3: in my frame of mind to think of a story time.
Speaker 2: So go ahead and do your thing.
Speaker 1: How long it will take you to think about that story.
Speaker 3: I tell you a story, Jesus story time.
Speaker 1: God. Sorry y'all had to sit through that. But sometimes
Speaker 1: married people are gonna do what married people do. And
Speaker 1: that's argue, okay, because Kadeen ain't gonna never.
Speaker 2: Admit she this is not free of the day. You
Speaker 2: just get it, get it rolling.
Speaker 1: So I was in sixth grade. I was twelve years
Speaker 1: old because it was the end of the year, okay,
Speaker 1: and we had a dance. We had our sixth grade
Speaker 1: dance and Andrees Hoodie junior high school. I remember I
Speaker 1: had on my white shirt with the Chinese collar because
Speaker 1: that was big back in the days. Had on some
Speaker 1: black slash, but I had black slacks with the hush
Speaker 1: puppies because you know, hush Puppies was a big deal
Speaker 1: back in the day. So I was fly, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. My pots gave me a little chain.
Speaker 1: I had a ring that I put on my pinky.
Speaker 1: I was flying a d on the ls fly. So
Speaker 1: I'm in this dance and this young lady who I liked,
Speaker 1: and she liked me. It was just like yo, it
Speaker 1: was dance. So I had never danced before, Like I
Speaker 1: didn't know what the dub was like. This was this
Speaker 1: was really my introduction to this part of Caribbean culture. Right.
Speaker 1: So we're dancing. The lights is out in the gym.
Speaker 1: It's a little dark, not too dark. They still had
Speaker 1: the like they had the yellow Christmas tree lights around
Speaker 1: the room and stuff so you could see, but it
Speaker 1: was still like them. Right. So we dancing or whatever,
Speaker 1: and she has my hand on her hips, she has
Speaker 1: her hand on it, and she's like like going up
Speaker 1: a little bit. So I was under the impression like, oh,
Speaker 1: she wants me to grab the titties. So I come
Speaker 1: up there and I start, I grab the titties and
Speaker 1: she goes stop. So I stopped and we keep dancing,
Speaker 1: and she looked back and she looked back again, and
Speaker 1: I was like, well, what's the problem. She was like
Speaker 1: she was just like why you stop? And I was like,
Speaker 1: you said stop, and then she sucked her to you
Speaker 1: said oh, and then she stormed off little to say
Speaker 1: I was confused. I was like, I thought she said stop,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, but she didn't didn't necessarily
Speaker 1: want me to actually stop, and I left there being confused.
Speaker 1: And throughout my time as a young adolescent male, I
Speaker 1: had a number of things like that. Happened to the
Speaker 1: point later on in life that a couple of girls
Speaker 1: just like, oh, I don't think you like me because
Speaker 1: you ain't try hard enough. And that made me ask
Speaker 1: a question to our producer Intrudeau, which she gave me
Speaker 1: a very responsible answer too, okay, which is why I
Speaker 1: wanted to ask you yours. But we'll we'll.
Speaker 3: You know, I don't have a I have a couple
Speaker 3: of like different like random like oh, when I was
Speaker 3: little in the middle school type things when you try something,
Speaker 3: you kiss somebody in the stairwell, things like that. I
Speaker 3: know one in particular that had me a little turned
Speaker 3: off and I was just like, I don't know about this.
Speaker 2: We were across the street from our school.
Speaker 1: I don't hear no more. I'm instantly jealous, instantly jealous,
Speaker 1: like I'm like, I'm already thinking about you. We weren't together,
Speaker 1: we don't really know each other, but I'm mad, y'all.
Speaker 1: I'm mad, y'all.
Speaker 2: He pressed me about this whole story time issue. Don't
Speaker 2: want to you don't even want to hear him story.
Speaker 1: We gotta move forward as a people. Now, go ahead.
Speaker 3: I'm playing, But it's pretty short because it was literally
Speaker 3: me thinking I wanted something and then being like, no,
Speaker 3: I don't, but not for the reasons y'all. Think I'm
Speaker 3: across the street at the park with this kid that
Speaker 3: had a crush on like forever, right, So finally he's
Speaker 3: noticing me. I'm like, okay, cool, it's at the school time.
Speaker 3: I'm staying back to do some after school dance class activity.
Speaker 2: Mom is coming to pick me up. But you know,
Speaker 2: we always trying to work on the clock, and say, okay,
Speaker 2: I got a couple of minutes spare time until she
Speaker 2: get here.
Speaker 3: Let me go do some things, right, So he's like yo, ha,
Speaker 3: He's like, yo, you wanna go cross state to the park.
Speaker 3: So I was like, all right, we're just taking a walk.
Speaker 2: You know, taking a stroll, you know. I meanwhile, I'm
Speaker 2: watching the clock.
Speaker 3: Now I'm like all right, now, I got it because
Speaker 3: she can't catch me coming from across.
Speaker 2: The streetcause it's like, what were you doing with some
Speaker 2: white in out of park?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 1: Good?
Speaker 3: So I walk over there reluctantly, but also too, I'm like,
Speaker 3: heads on a swivel because I'm nervous that somebody is
Speaker 3: going to see me that knows my mother, and you
Speaker 3: know how it is, especially back in the day in Brooklyn,
Speaker 3: everybody know everybody. And we come from an era where
Speaker 3: if your parents weren't there to see it, and somebody
Speaker 3: else saw it, they can then enter, snatch your ass up,
Speaker 3: tell your parents accordingly, and handle it. So I'm kind
Speaker 3: of head on swivel, you know, and I'm walking through
Speaker 3: the park a little nervous, but I'm just like, oh,
Speaker 3: I'm getting.
Speaker 2: Time with homeboy, right. So we go.
Speaker 3: We sit on one of the bleachers the track is there,
Speaker 3: watching people walk around the track, you know. Then he starts,
Speaker 3: you know, feeling on me, feeling on my waist, giving
Speaker 3: me a little kiss here and there, then kissing on
Speaker 3: my neck and my ear, and I'm just like, oh,
Speaker 3: I'm starting to feel things that I had never felt before.
Speaker 1: This. Yeah, but you said it was short. This is
Speaker 1: the longest fucking short story I ever heard of my life.
Speaker 3: But got starting to feel things so then I had
Speaker 3: on my dance leggings or whatever. So he then goes
Speaker 3: to put his hand in my pants. Right, So he
Speaker 3: goes to put his hand in my pants. And then
Speaker 3: at this point I'm like, okay, now this is too
Speaker 3: much because we're in public, right, So I pull his
Speaker 3: hand from out of my pants, and I was just
Speaker 3: like no, And I looked down at his fingernails and
Speaker 3: I'm just just dirty, and I was like, I might
Speaker 3: have let him go back, but after I seeing them
Speaker 3: dirty ass fingernails, I was like, what you need to
Speaker 3: do is go get your nails clipped first and foremost.
Speaker 3: And that was the end of that, that one moment
Speaker 3: that I like, finally had a moment with the guy
Speaker 3: I liked.
Speaker 1: That is not how I expected that to go.
Speaker 3: His fingernails dirty as hell, like you to really reach
Speaker 3: into those parts with those.
Speaker 2: Kids, mina, go clip your nails and wash.
Speaker 3: Your hands and circle back, baby. But yeah, I still
Speaker 3: liked him after that, though, I felt.
Speaker 1: Like you liked him with his dirty nails, Yeah I did.
Speaker 3: I did. He did come back and with his nails
Speaker 3: clean the next day, though, entry and cut him, so
Speaker 3: at least he took the message.
Speaker 2: It was the effort for me.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's what's up. That's what's up. Fuck him. Let's
Speaker 1: move on to karaoke before I'll go back in time.
Speaker 1: Look at these school board and see who I gotta fight.
Speaker 5: Let's talk about sex, babe me. Let's talk about you
Speaker 5: and me. Let's talk about all the good things and
Speaker 5: the bad things that made me. Let's talk about sex.
Speaker 5: Let's talk about sex.
Speaker 1: But we're talking about sex with our kids because we
Speaker 1: was kids. We was kids, and I'm going to talk
Speaker 1: about having conversations with our sons.
Speaker 3: To talk seriously, how to talk seriously because we're getting
Speaker 3: to that point, yes, with our.
Speaker 2: Boys about sex and sexuality. So stay tuned.
Speaker 3: We're going to pay some bills and come back chet
Speaker 3: out my stomach, but not when it comes to this topic, floored.
Speaker 3: We talk about sex a lot on this show, but
Speaker 3: god damn Yeah.
Speaker 1: The reason why we thought this was important to talk
Speaker 1: about is because I proposed this question to Trible downstairs.
Speaker 1: Jesse and I think we're probably going to do a
Speaker 1: devoused man Cave episode on it because we actually had
Speaker 1: a full conversation. But as a young adolescent, pre adolescent male,
Speaker 1: when you're growing up and a lot of my friends
Speaker 1: have the same instances that I've had, where you're with
Speaker 1: a young lady and she says no or stop or don't,
Speaker 1: and then when you don't, then it's like, oh, you
Speaker 1: was lame. You didn't try hard enough. Like I was
Speaker 1: called lame a bunch of times in middle school and
Speaker 1: in high school. And I was called lame because my
Speaker 1: father and my uncle. My uncle was a detective. My
Speaker 1: father they both always had, you know, always good with women.
Speaker 1: Both said Listen, if a woman not only says no
Speaker 1: or says stop, but you can feel in her presence,
Speaker 1: in her body that she's not comfortable or doesn't want
Speaker 1: you to continue, you automatically stop. It doesn't matter with
Speaker 1: you trying to figure out how what the stop means,
Speaker 1: what kind of no is it. It was always just
Speaker 1: say no. And I feel like I was able to
Speaker 1: avoid a lot of issues because of that, because you
Speaker 1: see a lot of issues happen now with he says
Speaker 1: she said or she said no, but she didn't really
Speaker 1: mean knowing women saying I did say no, but I
Speaker 1: did ask her, I said, how does how would you
Speaker 1: tell your son to navigate that? Considering the fact that
Speaker 1: a young lady said stop, and then you did stop,
Speaker 1: and then you will call Laine because of it, Like,
Speaker 1: does that mean the next time you keep going? And
Speaker 1: then what triple set was She would tell young men
Speaker 1: that if a young lady is saying no, but she
Speaker 1: means yes, she's not mature enough to consent to any
Speaker 1: sexual activity anyway. It's interesting, which is great. And I said,
Speaker 1: that's a great thing to think about because I never
Speaker 1: thought about saying it that way. Well, I never thought
Speaker 1: about articulating it that way to a young.
Speaker 3: Man, meaning the woman's emotional maturity or just maturity in general,
Speaker 3: just because to be able to even decipher what she
Speaker 3: wants in that moment right now.
Speaker 1: Like my father and my uncle just said, the no
Speaker 1: is no when you feel like it's a no, it's
Speaker 1: just no. They never explain to me why I should stop.
Speaker 1: It was just no, because no is no, right, That's
Speaker 1: that's it no means.
Speaker 3: But I think, if I'm being honest, I think that
Speaker 3: that's aerring on the side of caution. And I can
Speaker 3: see why they would say that to avoid you having any.
Speaker 2: Doubt of he said.
Speaker 3: She said, It's like, then what remove yourself from the
Speaker 3: situation or what would what's the next step in something
Speaker 3: like that, for example, Well, if a girl says no
Speaker 3: and you say no, and then it's awkward after that,
Speaker 3: Like it's.
Speaker 1: Always it's always. Well, my experience was it always happened
Speaker 1: like it was at a dance, or we'd be in school,
Speaker 1: or we'd be somewhere. For example, you know, a girl
Speaker 1: come get you out of the classroom, and she knock
Speaker 1: on the door. She got to pass and she come outside.
Speaker 1: So then you come outside the classroom and then y'all
Speaker 1: go on the staircase, and now y'all kiss and finaling,
Speaker 1: and you put your hand somewhere, and then it's just like, okay, stop,
Speaker 1: so then you stop and then you know, okay, let's
Speaker 1: go back to class. So we go back to class.
Speaker 1: And then later on in the day, your boys said, yo,
Speaker 1: you mad, whack, you lame, you corny. I'm like, why,
Speaker 1: it's because you didn't do excellent. I'm like, she says stop.
Speaker 1: And then it gets back to me that she told
Speaker 1: her friends that I was laying I wouldn't do X
Speaker 1: y Z like, but she said stop. So for me,
Speaker 1: it was confusing, But I was always going to error
Speaker 1: on the side of caution because of what my uncle
Speaker 1: and my dad said. But what I'm what I like
Speaker 1: now is you know how they say when you learn more,
Speaker 1: when you learn better, you do better. Right, Understanding the
Speaker 1: why is now more important. No means no is a
Speaker 1: great statement, but why there's no mean no. Why no
Speaker 1: means no is because if a woman says yes, and
Speaker 1: then well, if a woman says no but she means yes,
Speaker 1: even if she says no, that means she's not emotionally
Speaker 1: or intellectually mature enough to understand what the type of
Speaker 1: consent is needed to participate in that activity. If you
Speaker 1: explain it to boys that way, then it's like oh,
Speaker 1: because then the whole idea of well, no may sometimes
Speaker 1: mean yes is now void because you made it clear
Speaker 1: to them no can never mean yes because if no
Speaker 1: is supposed to mean yes, that means that she's not
Speaker 1: mature enough to actually give you a yes. It's the
Speaker 1: same thing with alcohol, right If a woman doesn't say no,
Speaker 1: but she's under the influence, she can't be held with
Speaker 1: the responsibility of being accountable because she was under the influence.
Speaker 1: Once a woman already says no, it's kind of like
Speaker 1: she's under the influence of her own immaturity and can't
Speaker 1: even consent because she's too immature to consent. That opened
Speaker 1: up my mind as a way to explain it to Jackson,
Speaker 1: because I felt like, I felt like, dang, like this
Speaker 1: isn't fair to me as a young boy. I felt
Speaker 1: like I used to get clown and kid on all
Speaker 1: the time because I wasn't willing to push to get it,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And then I asked her, well,
Speaker 1: and I wanted to ask you while we have this conversation,
Speaker 1: why do young ladies Because I know what I've we
Speaker 1: had this conversation, so I know where I'm going to
Speaker 1: come up with. Why do you think so many young
Speaker 1: ladies do the no or the choy stop when they
Speaker 1: really mean yes? Why do you think that's something that happens?
Speaker 3: I mean, I thought from my experience, because I've definitely
Speaker 3: been in those situations where I would say, thankfully, I
Speaker 3: was fortunate enough to not be in situations where I
Speaker 3: felt super uncomfortable and had to, you know, fight for
Speaker 3: my life almost in situations like that. I think in
Speaker 3: part it was probably my nice, sheltered background where I
Speaker 3: can go no where anywhay but in the moments that
Speaker 3: I did try to get out there and explore, because
Speaker 3: typically this is the age range where kids are starting
Speaker 3: to explore, explore, you know, the the hormones are revving
Speaker 3: up and all that is happening all at once, and
Speaker 3: it can be very very confusing. For me, there was
Speaker 3: always and this is personally so I'm not sure if
Speaker 3: anyone else feels this way as a but for me,
Speaker 3: there was always a standard to be upheld where the
Speaker 3: expectation was that I did not want to disappoint myself
Speaker 3: disappoint my family. So it was a way of trying
Speaker 3: to find out that way I can toll the line
Speaker 3: between experimenting and figuring out things and you know, having
Speaker 3: moments with the guy I liked at the time, but
Speaker 3: also to not going far enough where I would have
Speaker 3: moments of regret. And I think that's ultimately what tends
Speaker 3: to happen even with women who I've spoken to, a
Speaker 3: young women who I've spoken to who are younger than
Speaker 3: me that I try to help navigate and mentor through
Speaker 3: life in general, when they have these moments, there's sometimes
Speaker 3: buyers remorse, There's moments where you're like, man, I really
Speaker 3: in the moment, it felt like the right thing, and
Speaker 3: then after the fact, when you think about it or
Speaker 3: it settles in, you're just like, damn, I maybe shouldn't
Speaker 3: have done that. So I think that may be what
Speaker 3: a large overarching issue is for some women when it
Speaker 3: comes to that. It's like, in that moment, it may
Speaker 3: feel good again, it may be the environment, it may
Speaker 3: be you had a drink, it may be any of
Speaker 3: those things, and it's like, you really like this guy,
Speaker 3: or you really like the moment. So it's like, Okay,
Speaker 3: I want to try something, But then your mind is
Speaker 3: essentially taking over and you're just debating all the things
Speaker 3: that could potentially go wrong in this moment where I
Speaker 3: really want to do this. I could possibly get pregnant,
Speaker 3: Oh my god, my parents find out, or whatever the
Speaker 3: case may be. There's just so many things that go
Speaker 3: on in the mind that I think that is the
Speaker 3: reason why some women in those situations may feel a
Speaker 3: bit conflicted or confused.
Speaker 1: You know that that makes sense. It actually goes in
Speaker 1: the line in alignment with what I was thinking. When
Speaker 1: I was growing up, me and my cousin Porsche were
Speaker 1: very close, and I remember the differences in conversations. Right,
Speaker 1: Porscha is one year younger than me, and for me,
Speaker 1: I think it's unfair for both young men and young women.
Speaker 1: Right for us to tell our young men to go
Speaker 1: explore and protect yourself, protect yourself, be safe, respect women, Right,
Speaker 1: that's what people do. Always respect the women, but protect yourself,
Speaker 1: be safe. Then they'll have fun. Right. But then when
Speaker 1: this young women is don't have sex to your forty,
Speaker 1: don't talk to me about sex, don't think about sex,
Speaker 1: and then you get stagmatized and you get labeled if
Speaker 1: you have sex.
Speaker 2: So there's a shame around it for sure.
Speaker 1: So my thing is if we have and this is
Speaker 1: just for heterosexual couples. So I'm giving an example. You
Speaker 1: have a group of people telling boys to go out
Speaker 1: have sex, have fun, or protect women, but then we're
Speaker 1: telling young women don't have sex. You're going to be shunned.
Speaker 1: How are they supposed to know how to interact with
Speaker 1: each other.
Speaker 2: Going into it? Yes, men are like going to be free.
Speaker 1: I can do this and I can't.
Speaker 2: I can't.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. And I feel like it's
Speaker 1: unfair that we don't have these conversations with young ladies.
Speaker 1: So that they know how to navigate these situations. Right,
Speaker 1: Trible and I were talking, and Triple doesn't have kids.
Speaker 1: But Trible is a young lady and she grew up
Speaker 1: a young lady. And what she said was, well, what
Speaker 1: we what we deduce is that young men typically commit
Speaker 1: sexual assaults or feel uneasy around women when they don't
Speaker 1: have confidence about themselves or about what it is to
Speaker 1: be with a woman in that way. Right, So what
Speaker 1: do they do? They behave poorly because they don't know
Speaker 1: how to act. There's an immaturity young women. We don't
Speaker 1: have the conversations with them. So what do they do?
Speaker 1: They behave immaturely and they don't know how to consent.
Speaker 1: So you have one group here who we have conversations
Speaker 1: with about go have sex, but we don't speak to
Speaker 1: them about how to respect women. Then we have a
Speaker 1: group over here who we don't talk to with sex
Speaker 1: at all. Then you have young people trying to experiment,
Speaker 1: and bad things happen. I think that we as a
Speaker 1: community of people are doing our children a disservice, yes,
Speaker 1: by not speaking openly to both parties about what sex
Speaker 1: looks like. And we have to stop stigmatizing it so
Speaker 1: that men can feel more comfortable with showing their sexual nature,
Speaker 1: and women can feel more comfortable expressing that they have
Speaker 1: sexual needs and desires.
Speaker 3: As well, and early on as twelve as twelve two? Right,
Speaker 3: how do you happened?
Speaker 1: Twelve and thirteen year old girl going through hormones, going
Speaker 1: through puberty, getting boobs, getting attention from guys to ignore
Speaker 1: all of your sexual desires until you get married at
Speaker 1: forty Like, how do we tell women that?
Speaker 3: Yeah, the complete avoidance of the topic to me is astounding,
Speaker 3: and I look at how the parenting, you know, approach
Speaker 3: has changed a lot, even just in speaking to a
Speaker 3: friends of mine who have children that are a bit
Speaker 3: older than mine, and the approach is so different. I'm
Speaker 3: one of my friends has four daughters and she's just like,
Speaker 3: from as early as I can remember, I've been having
Speaker 3: this conversation with the girls about it, and to this day,
Speaker 3: you know, to her knowledge, at least you know her daughters.
Speaker 2: You are aware of what's going on.
Speaker 3: I don't know who's having sex from who's not, but
Speaker 3: in the event that they were, or one decided like
Speaker 3: I have a boyfriend, now this is something I may
Speaker 3: be exploring. She was almost in tears at the fact
Speaker 3: that she was able to come to her and ask
Speaker 3: her about it and say, well, like, I'm like this
Speaker 3: with such and such like I'm confused, And for her,
Speaker 3: I said, that was a major win as a mom,
Speaker 3: because your teenage daughter felt comfortable enough to come to
Speaker 3: you and say, Mom, I'm feeling these things and I'm confused.
Speaker 2: What should I do?
Speaker 3: But that is a testimony to the fact that she
Speaker 3: has always had open dialogue and conversation with them about
Speaker 3: it early and it wasn't from a place of fear
Speaker 3: per se, but it was a place of fact. When
Speaker 3: we're speaking to our children, particularly middle school children, we
Speaker 3: have to speak to them without the fear being instilled
Speaker 3: in them. But instead of presenting facts, presenting statistics, presenting images,
Speaker 3: I mean, she says, she pulled up all every std
Speaker 3: you could think of and just show what it did
Speaker 3: to the genitalia for men and women, and those things
Speaker 3: were again just stating the facts of what can happen
Speaker 3: if you were to engage in any kind of sexual activity.
Speaker 3: And sexual activity there's a broad scope of what it
Speaker 3: looks like for heterosexual couples. For couples who are heterosexual,
Speaker 3: I mean, you know, some people think it's not sex
Speaker 3: if it's oral, you know, and then not sex if
Speaker 3: it's anal you know. There's so many different mindset surround it,
Speaker 3: and people skew it sometimes to their advantage. But I
Speaker 3: think us as parents, which and I joke, you know,
Speaker 3: about not wanting my children to grow up. Of course
Speaker 3: that it's inevitable, but I prefer to take the approach
Speaker 3: where they feel comfortable, whether mom or dad. Us having
Speaker 3: four boys, you know, I can see how they can think,
Speaker 3: you know, maybe I don't want to talk to mom
Speaker 3: about this, but I am hoping that I'm establishing open
Speaker 3: lines of communication, the no boundaries where they feel like
Speaker 3: they can talk to me and maybe get a woman's
Speaker 3: perspective when needed, because that's essential for boys too as well,
Speaker 3: so to have a women's perspective, and I just hope
Speaker 3: that I can be that for them when the time comes.
Speaker 3: And of course the conversations happen in appropriately as they
Speaker 3: get older, but middle school is usually where it starts.
Speaker 3: So that's why we were important to speak about it
Speaker 3: with Jackson going into the seventh grade. You know, kids
Speaker 3: become more independent and more curious, yeah, but influenced by peers.
Speaker 3: We got the note home about sex ed right, you know.
Speaker 1: So I think one of the biggest things still plaguing
Speaker 1: our culture, especially in America, is rape culture. Right like
Speaker 1: other countries and other contents don't have the same exact
Speaker 1: don't have the same ideals as we have. You know,
Speaker 1: some places sex isn't as taboo. You know, you go
Speaker 1: different places in Europe and people walk around topless and
Speaker 1: it's not that big a deal. But also rape doesn't
Speaker 1: happen as often asn't happen as in America, and we
Speaker 1: talk about rape being more of a power thing and
Speaker 1: not a sexual thing. But I think that we can
Speaker 1: start to eliminate rape culture by educating people at younger ages,
Speaker 1: you know. And also we can stop and eliminate rape
Speaker 1: culture by not stigmatizing young women for wanting to engage
Speaker 1: in sexual activity, but then also not championing boys to
Speaker 1: engage in sexual activity. And in a way, because this is
Speaker 1: what rape culture is. Rape culture is the idea that
Speaker 1: women don't know what they want and it's a man's
Speaker 1: idea to show her what she wants, because that's really
Speaker 1: what the idea is. Oh, if she said no, she
Speaker 1: she'll say no. Till she say yes, like she doesn't
Speaker 1: know what she wants. That's how rape culture really started.
Speaker 1: And then what adds to rape culture is not talking
Speaker 1: to women about sex, so they really don't know what
Speaker 1: they want. So now they're a young woman having these
Speaker 1: feelings and they're engaged with a young man, and this
Speaker 1: young man has been told like, tell her what she
Speaker 1: wants because she or show her. And then this young
Speaker 1: woman's like, well, no one's ever talked to me, so
Speaker 1: I guess this is what it is. And I feel
Speaker 1: like we can eliminate that by starting at a younger age.
Speaker 1: And we have some facts and stats here. Yes, more
Speaker 1: than twenty percent of adults in the US say they
Speaker 1: are not planning to have a conversation about the birds
Speaker 1: and the bees with their kids. New research says. A
Speaker 1: recent survey revealed that sixty percent of American parents were
Speaker 1: raised thinking sex was taboo, which may affect how they
Speaker 1: approach the subject with their children. Indeed, most females will
Speaker 1: start puberty when they're eight to thirteen years old, and
Speaker 1: most males will start between nine and fourteen, but it
Speaker 1: can also be normal to start earlier or later. Among
Speaker 1: fifteen to seventeen year olds, sixty nine percent of boys
Speaker 1: and seventy two percent of girls have never had sexual intercourse.
Speaker 2: That's higher than I thought the percentage.
Speaker 1: I don't know who they asking or they asking. Niggas's lying.
Speaker 2: She thought it was going to be the other way around.
Speaker 3: I thought they were going to say sixty nine percent
Speaker 3: of boys and seventy percent are having sex.
Speaker 1: Not I think this is fake. I think they asked
Speaker 1: the young people who were just like, I'm not I'm
Speaker 1: minting to you. Yeah, no, no, no, I'm a brogia in fact,
Speaker 1: because if my parents were asked me if I when
Speaker 1: I was sixteen and seventeen, I definitely would have lied.
Speaker 2: I'm not telling the absolutely.
Speaker 1: Research shows the average age children are now exposed to pornography.
Speaker 2: It's thirteen thirteen.
Speaker 3: And this is what I'm than thinking about how accessible
Speaker 3: it is nowadays.
Speaker 1: Lord, this is why. And I want to get into
Speaker 1: how we plan on talking to our boys.
Speaker 2: About before we do that. How were you taught about sex?
Speaker 1: How was who taught about sex?
Speaker 2: How were you taught?
Speaker 1: Who was taught about sex you?
Speaker 2: How were you taught about sex?
Speaker 1: Who was taught about sex? That's my point? Oh you
Speaker 1: know how my father taught me about sex and I
Speaker 1: had a great dad.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: One morning I was in his room, I was sixteen.
Speaker 1: I was getting all my stuff out of his room.
Speaker 1: I was getting my socks because we all did laundry together,
Speaker 1: get my five dollars for lunch, and he goes, yo.
Speaker 1: So yeah, he said, you know I got comments in
Speaker 1: my bottom drawer, right, I said, yeah, right there about
Speaker 1: the socks. He said, Okay. That was the only conversation
Speaker 1: my father had with me about sex. Really, yes, And
Speaker 1: then my brother had a baby two years later.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: So I guess he expected me to tell Brian about
Speaker 1: the condomy because he clearly didn't tell Brian.
Speaker 3: I know, I know, but it just I was similar,
Speaker 3: Well that's similar, but it was just awkward. My mom
Speaker 3: was very vocal with me about like, my body so changes.
Speaker 3: So she got me this book that talked about, you know,
Speaker 3: the woman's body and what to expect when you become
Speaker 3: a woman having your periods.
Speaker 2: So I was very prepared for that.
Speaker 3: She even had a little kit that she put together
Speaker 3: for me with like change of under where pad wipes
Speaker 3: this that they had all.
Speaker 1: That I was walking around.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so she was like that, I think and I
Speaker 3: think for her it was just like, this is my daughter,
Speaker 3: my first daughter. I wanted to be prepared and never
Speaker 3: be caught out there embarrassed, right because for her, she said,
Speaker 3: growing up in Jamaica, it was an embarrassing thing if
Speaker 3: anybody ever knew. Like she was like, if you have
Speaker 3: your period, you never let anyone know. You know, it's
Speaker 3: a private thing.
Speaker 2: You have your little pouch or your bathroom, take yourself
Speaker 2: and stuff like that.
Speaker 3: The sex part left a bit to be imagined. Okay,
Speaker 3: there was a book and again it came with another book,
Speaker 3: and it was kind of.
Speaker 2: Just like, here's this book. Take a look.
Speaker 3: See, let me know if you have any questions. Meanwhile,
Speaker 3: I took the book, then took it to school and
Speaker 3: then showed my friends, and then it became the topic
Speaker 3: of discussion with the friends and then we're all comparing
Speaker 3: notes about what we've learned at some point, which essentially,
Speaker 3: you know, there was two kids who got expelled from
Speaker 3: our school for having sex in the.
Speaker 2: Bathroom in eighth grade. You know, like that's the kind
Speaker 2: of stuff I married. They are they are married to
Speaker 2: this day, so I it works biblical times.
Speaker 1: They could have been married at fourteen because that's the
Speaker 1: early day was so they do nothing wrong. That's how
Speaker 1: I looked at it, begging it's the funny part.
Speaker 2: I could have expected that, but shout out to them
Speaker 2: for still be together.
Speaker 1: This is how men typically talk to other men when
Speaker 1: it comes to sex. Right, you heard what my father said.
Speaker 1: My uncle goes, it's me and my brother, right, and
Speaker 1: my cousin Porsche that is his daughter. She he's just
Speaker 1: like your porscha, Yo, go go another room talking to
Speaker 1: your cousins. She's like all got like she mad like
Speaker 1: all got a way I talk about Right. So I'm
Speaker 1: in high school. Brian's in I think ninth grade. He
Speaker 1: in high school too. My uncle goes, Yo, when it rains,
Speaker 1: make sure you have your rain boots, that's what he said.
Speaker 1: And I was just like your rain bowts. She said,
Speaker 1: you feel me? Do you feel me? When it rains,
Speaker 1: make sure you have your rain boots on. And I
Speaker 1: was like I knew what he was saying. So I
Speaker 1: was just like, I got your guy. He's like, you
Speaker 1: got me. He's like Brian, and Brian's like, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I got you. Like it was reading it no, because
Speaker 1: because also it's not just it's just awkward and embarrassing
Speaker 1: for parents. It's also awkward and embarrassing because I asked Jackson,
Speaker 1: and any girls in your school? I'm like, Yo, why
Speaker 1: are you acting like that? I'm asking a question, right,
Speaker 1: ain't nobody? No dad? Come on yo, chill, chill, all right, bro, Like,
Speaker 1: I won't bring it up and thank you, I said,
Speaker 1: until I'm ready to talk about it, which is gonna
Speaker 1: happen real sy real soon. He's like, oh, God, should
Speaker 1: just just be prepared. I'm going to talk to you
Speaker 1: about sex.
Speaker 3: I am just like a little like we'll scroll past,
Speaker 3: you know, He'll be on YouTube, I'll be on Instagram
Speaker 3: and scrolling past and he'd be like, oh, mom, who's that. Like,
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, recently it was what's her name?
Speaker 1: Her?
Speaker 2: Her, the singer her. Yeah, he was like, she's really pretty.
Speaker 2: I was like, she really is.
Speaker 3: And he's just like, can't she looks so much pretty
Speaker 3: when she takes her glasses off to it her here's
Speaker 3: not her face. I was like, he be watching, but
Speaker 3: he saw a picture of her without it and he
Speaker 3: was like, she looks so pretty without it.
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, we had, we've had, We've gotten to
Speaker 1: certain levels. Of talks like we haven't gotten into the
Speaker 1: penetration and orgasm and this type stuff of women and
Speaker 1: stuff and birds and the beest. But we got to
Speaker 1: the part of the conversation where it's just like, if
Speaker 1: there's a young lady that you like, there's a certain
Speaker 1: level of respect you have to have. And you know,
Speaker 1: he was just like, what do you mean. I was like, well,
Speaker 1: you see your mother. How about youat your mother? And
Speaker 1: she's like, that's the queen, protect the queen. I see
Speaker 1: how open doors put out things. If there's anything your
Speaker 1: mom wants or needs, I got her, right, yeah, I said,
Speaker 1: but you also see me smack your mom on the ass, right,
Speaker 1: And he was just like yeah, I said, you know,
Speaker 1: before I could just do that, I had to get
Speaker 1: permission from your mom first. So when we started talking
Speaker 1: and we started dating, and first I didn't just walk
Speaker 1: up to her because I liked her and smacked her
Speaker 1: on the ass. That's not how that works. We had
Speaker 1: a conversation, talked about the things we like with each other.
Speaker 1: We start to like each other, you always feel out
Speaker 1: and see if things are okay, and once she gives
Speaker 1: me the approval, then that becomes the norm. That's that's
Speaker 1: what becomes the norm. But it's not a thing where
Speaker 1: you can just ruam up here on and grab a
Speaker 1: woman's ass because you see your mom your dad do it.
Speaker 1: And he looked at me and say, okay, okay, And
Speaker 1: I thought that that was important because for.
Speaker 3: Sure, that's where it starts, just having the own control
Speaker 3: over your body, giving him the autonomy over his body,
Speaker 3: knowing that she, whoever she is, has full autonomy over hers.
Speaker 1: Well, that's actually a point I missed. Before we talked
Speaker 1: about sex, I talked to them about their private parts
Speaker 1: and about no one has the right to touch you
Speaker 1: down there, no one has the right to make you
Speaker 1: touch them down there. So we've had all of that
Speaker 1: conversation about consent with them as children first. So the
Speaker 1: fact that they know that, I feel like it'll be
Speaker 1: easier for me to teach them, like, well, the same
Speaker 1: way you have rules about your body, women have rules
Speaker 1: about theirs, right, and you have to abide by the
Speaker 1: same rules that you require people to abide about your body.
Speaker 1: So before we even talked about sex, I talked to
Speaker 1: them about that, Like when we used to bathe them
Speaker 1: and we had showers, it got to a certain point
Speaker 1: when the kids were like three, I told Cairo, I
Speaker 1: told Cassayo, I'm not washing you up no more. And
Speaker 1: then they watch it. That's your body. You have to
Speaker 1: take care of your body. I can't touch your privates.
Speaker 1: No one should touch your booty, No one should touch
Speaker 1: your boom boom your penis, nobody should touch that, No
Speaker 1: one should touch your nipples. No one should be touching
Speaker 1: your body except you, not me, as your dad or
Speaker 1: your mom. And that's then now they you know, they
Speaker 1: got They get to point out I need privacy. I
Speaker 1: need privacy, you know what I'm saying. Like, they start
Speaker 1: to understand the privacy thing, which is crazy because they'll
Speaker 1: just walk in that back.
Speaker 3: They don't walk into our unannounced. And I'm just like, listen,
Speaker 3: it was different when I was breastfeeding babies. Tity is
Speaker 3: flying everywhere. I'm like, now mom is getting snatched again.
Speaker 3: You don't need to walk up it. So do tell
Speaker 3: themselves several times, not until you get an answer. If
Speaker 3: you don't get an you're on the side of caution
Speaker 3: and don't come in period.
Speaker 1: No, seriously, I told I told you you literally, I
Speaker 1: literally told Jackson two weeks ago. Remember he walked in
Speaker 1: the bathroom, I remember, and he just started talking to me.
Speaker 1: I said, bro, let me explain something to you. Okay,
Speaker 1: you are twelve. You are looking at your mother eye
Speaker 1: to eye, so you can see her. Right, you can
Speaker 1: see saying I can see her. I say, you walk
Speaker 1: in the bathroom one day, you may see something in
Speaker 1: parts of your mother you don't want to see it.
Speaker 1: And that looked that you looking at her eye ain't
Speaker 1: gonna be the same no more. Bro. So he's like
Speaker 1: each other. God, I said, I'm just letting you know
Speaker 1: what happens, back what happens. And I make it very
Speaker 1: clear to my sons that you are my wife. And
Speaker 1: I also show them this is important that I think
Speaker 1: other people see. I show them how I treat other
Speaker 1: women who are not my wife. Right, so they see
Speaker 1: how I interact with like Crystal or a trouble, or
Speaker 1: they notice who like I shake hands with, who I
Speaker 1: hug like every interaction or something that's a life lesson.
Speaker 1: I make sure I show to my son's that's the difference.
Speaker 1: The same way when you walk around with your shorts
Speaker 1: on and I'll tap jacksonmly watch this, watch this, and
Speaker 1: I'll go over there, and I'll just patch you on
Speaker 1: the butt real quick. I'll be like, come here and
Speaker 1: give me a kiss. And I was like, see, that's
Speaker 1: your queen. You gotta make sure your queen knows that
Speaker 1: she looking good. And he'd be like, I get it, Dad,
Speaker 1: I get it. He'll roll his eyes, But I always
Speaker 1: want him to understand the difference of what love looks like,
Speaker 1: what physical touch looks like, what's appropriate when physical touch
Speaker 1: is appropriate for a woman in your life as opposed
Speaker 1: to an acquaintance, right, and.
Speaker 3: Then just got to be a gentleman, you know, like
Speaker 3: they see like you know, if for example, who like Crystal.
Speaker 3: For example, when Crystal comes over to the house, we
Speaker 3: always make sure that you walk her to a car,
Speaker 3: just to make sure she gets there safely. You know,
Speaker 3: there's little things like that that I think, Now it's
Speaker 3: not a way of trying to micromanage woman, but it's
Speaker 3: more so just a way of making sure that you
Speaker 3: be a gentleman.
Speaker 2: And that's important too.
Speaker 1: And the bottom line is this is the way we
Speaker 1: want to be gentleman. Like there's also this whole thing
Speaker 1: about chivalry right in the world, and it's like what
Speaker 1: is required and you can't tell me what I'm supposed
Speaker 1: to do as a man. I am going to provide
Speaker 1: what I can and hopefully I find a peer or
Speaker 1: partner who appreciates what I offer and we can both
Speaker 1: agree to that. I'm not arguing with people no more
Speaker 1: about if a man is supposed to open the door
Speaker 1: or because I had a woman telling me to open
Speaker 1: the door for a woman is a microaggression of what
Speaker 1: she said. It was a microaggression of misogyny because what
Speaker 1: I'm ultimately saying is that she isn't strong enough to
Speaker 1: open the door. I said, No, what I think is
Speaker 1: you're not smart enough to understand that I was opening
Speaker 1: the door for everyone. So what I'll do is I'll
Speaker 1: close the door back. But I was just trying to
Speaker 1: be kind. I'm like, the way I'm trying to raise
Speaker 1: my boys is the way I want them to treat
Speaker 1: their women, and not the way. Yeah, they'll find somebody
Speaker 1: who appreciate it. Not the way that all men are
Speaker 1: supposed to treat all women. You figure I would work
Speaker 1: for you. I'm just telling you what works for me, all.
Speaker 2: Right, Like I'm over there. That's how she goes That's.
Speaker 1: Just how it is. But Also, this is important, and
Speaker 1: this is why I wanted to talk about this to
Speaker 1: these parents. Before I became an actual parent myself, I
Speaker 1: was a mentor over five hundred young men, mostly young men.
Speaker 1: About twenty percent of them were young women, No, fifty
Speaker 1: of them were young women. We also had to do
Speaker 1: random social media checks. That was part of being in
Speaker 1: the program was that you had to forfeit your cell
Speaker 1: phone or your social media password to random checks, and
Speaker 1: I would go through the checks with the parents in
Speaker 1: the room. The stuff I've seen from these middle school kids,
Speaker 1: I couldn't see because if I saw and kept watching
Speaker 1: it, it would be considered child pornography. These young people are
Speaker 1: because of snapchat and in fact that things disappear, and
Speaker 1: because of all of the hyper sexualization of things on
Speaker 1: social media and it not being like there's no TV
Speaker 1: or no censorship, so.
Speaker 2: They get to see anything nothing related.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So these kids were passing things back and forth
Speaker 1: to each other that their parents had no idea that
Speaker 1: their child wasn't involved in that. Had one parent tell me,
Speaker 1: I don't have to be here for social media check
Speaker 1: because my child doesn't have a cell phone, so they
Speaker 1: don't have a social media, I said, I'm glad you
Speaker 1: think that, because now I'm going to prove to you wrong.
Speaker 1: Do you know who your child's best friend is. Your
Speaker 1: child's best friend has a cell phone, so you know
Speaker 1: what's on your child's best friend cell phone? Your child's
Speaker 1: social media I said, look open this up. Look whose
Speaker 1: picture that is? Look at the name. If some parents
Speaker 1: like I didn't even know you could have multiple social media's, yes,
Speaker 1: if you open up Instagram, you can have as many
Speaker 1: profiles as you want on that Instagram page. And what
Speaker 1: a lot of these kids are doing are They're sharing
Speaker 1: Instagram profiles with their friends on phone so that their
Speaker 1: parents won't know. They also have different apps that hide
Speaker 1: social media apps, so you think it's a calculator, But
Speaker 1: if you put in a certain amount of buttons, it's
Speaker 1: a different side of the app and you get to
Speaker 1: see all of the wild shit these kids are doing,
Speaker 1: emulating the adults they see on social media and on television.
Speaker 1: And the reason why in real life true. The reason
Speaker 1: why I say this is because if we as parents
Speaker 1: are going to be irresponsible and not speak to our
Speaker 1: kids about sex, we can't then expect our children to
Speaker 1: behave responsibly. For sure, in the world when it comes
Speaker 1: to sex.
Speaker 2: For sure.
Speaker 3: I am totally, totally an advocate for it. I just
Speaker 3: think it's also a generational thing like we now are
Speaker 3: just no one's doing that anymore where we're just not
Speaker 3: talking to our kids about it.
Speaker 1: You mad, I got just stared at you and looked
Speaker 1: at you for a minute and the light was coming in.
Speaker 2: Well, thank you? Who did the light today? Was that met?
Speaker 1: God did the light?
Speaker 3: God did?
Speaker 2: God? You're so stupid you just look man, goodness, I'll
Speaker 2: be looking at you like that last episode. You got
Speaker 2: a nice little kissing session around the corner their.
Speaker 1: We talk about self, you talk about kids sex.
Speaker 3: But now you're over here, listen to y'all cut it
Speaker 3: out to get that focus. Focus. Damn, what's my thought?
Speaker 3: Let's go to the papers that trip have put together.
Speaker 3: This is the guy claim that I don't read it.
Speaker 3: Then you get a question over here and ask you something.
Speaker 3: Do you think it's helpful to tell to your children
Speaker 3: from certain representations of sexuality? No, they can't learn about
Speaker 3: all of it.
Speaker 1: Certain what you mean certain representations?
Speaker 2: Question that?
Speaker 1: So okay? So the question is do you think it's
Speaker 1: helpful to shelter your kids from certain representations of sexuality. No,
Speaker 1: because you can't shelter them from the things that it's
Speaker 1: already out there in the world, right. I know the
Speaker 1: issue is, For example, there was a woman who went
Speaker 1: to the library in her son's school and there were
Speaker 1: books about homosexuality, and in one of the books it
Speaker 1: was a guy giving another guy oral in the book.
Speaker 1: And her point is is like, I don't want my
Speaker 1: son to see any form of sexuality illustrated in a cartoon.
Speaker 1: I don't care if it was a young woman performing
Speaker 1: oral or a young man perform oral. And I do
Speaker 1: agree with that. I don't want my children to see
Speaker 1: images of sex without me being able to explain them
Speaker 1: what it is. Right, So I wouldn't shelter them from it,
Speaker 1: but I would have that conversation with them when the
Speaker 1: time is right. But to shelter the means is to
Speaker 1: keep it away from them at all. I would not
Speaker 1: do that if they're going to find out about it anyway.
Speaker 3: Jackson recently got a note home from school asking if
Speaker 3: he can or cannot participate in health class sexual education
Speaker 3: class at school. So I asked about of course, because
Speaker 3: you know, any time we comes to a decision when
Speaker 3: it comes to our children, we have to make sure
Speaker 3: that you know, both are consenting to whatever it is.
Speaker 3: So at first I was like, should we just not
Speaker 3: have him participate in the course and then we just
Speaker 3: have our own conversation with him? And Deva was like,
Speaker 3: you know what, let him do the course, then he
Speaker 3: can come home with questions. And then they also gave
Speaker 3: us kind of like a backdrop of what would be
Speaker 3: discussed and in what fashion, so we felt comfortable enough
Speaker 3: to say, okay, let him participate in that, and then
Speaker 3: we have the follow up conversation when we come home.
Speaker 3: So some people sometimes weary of like what exactly will
Speaker 3: be expressed in school environments and stuff, but never from
Speaker 3: a school of relying on school for anything.
Speaker 1: Anyway, We homeschool with math and they do math every
Speaker 1: day in school.
Speaker 3: Right, we literally have something for everything when it comes
Speaker 3: to schooling.
Speaker 1: So so I have a question for you, Well, we
Speaker 1: kind of got this from your story, but when you
Speaker 1: were in middle school, did you feel pressure on your sexuality,
Speaker 1: like just on being sexual as a girl.
Speaker 3: I don't think so, see at that time, and it
Speaker 3: could also be the environment that I was in, which
Speaker 3: was also kind of structured in a bit sheltered, so
Speaker 3: we try to get in our little It was.
Speaker 2: A small group.
Speaker 3: It was small knit, like the teachers knew all of
Speaker 3: us that maybe had twenty students in my class.
Speaker 2: You know, I grew up with the same.
Speaker 3: Kids from nursery school pretty much straight through eighth grade,
Speaker 3: so there was not a lot of pressure on that I.
Speaker 1: Didn't need to have to your middle school.
Speaker 2: In my middle school.
Speaker 3: In my class, I want to say, maybe max twenty
Speaker 3: five kids, two eighth grades.
Speaker 2: One there was two.
Speaker 1: So that's fifty, yeah, fifty, and then.
Speaker 2: There well, no, there was one. I'm sorry, there was one.
Speaker 1: Twenty five you have seventh grade and sixth grade. It's
Speaker 1: the same thing. Seventy five kids.
Speaker 2: Yeah, roughly.
Speaker 1: You know how many kids was in my middle school
Speaker 1: over fifteen hundred. Yeah, And I think that's why you
Speaker 1: didn't feel the pressures that we felt as kids. Yes,
Speaker 1: going to a public school in the inner city. I
Speaker 1: definitely felt pressure.
Speaker 3: Oh, I know you did, for sure, But yeah, I
Speaker 3: didn't necessarily feel that though I did start to at
Speaker 3: that point get to hear from friends. Like I said,
Speaker 3: it became a group activity. When I came in with
Speaker 3: the book about sex with everybody just like, oh, well,
Speaker 3: here's what I know. You know, so that you're comparing
Speaker 3: notes and at this point now I'm going to see, okay,
Speaker 3: what do I want to do to begin my exploration process.
Speaker 3: But for me, I think it was also like my
Speaker 3: mom didn't talk to me. My mom and dad didn't
Speaker 3: talk to me about sex. But there was just this fear.
Speaker 3: There was this fear around conversation, Fear in disappointing my parents,
Speaker 3: Fear in doing I couldn't come home with no baby,
Speaker 3: fear in just her finding out that I was talking
Speaker 3: to Everything was rooted in fear at that point. And
Speaker 3: not to say my mother was big back wolf and
Speaker 3: she was, you know in my face, I don't do,
Speaker 3: don't don't. It wasn't that it was just innate in
Speaker 3: me that I just never wanted to disappoint my family,
Speaker 3: And to me, I felt like if I aired on
Speaker 3: the side of not dealing with those things or not
Speaker 3: getting myself involved in those activities, then less serve a
Speaker 3: likelihood for me to get into any kind of problem.
Speaker 2: High school was another story. High school I was outside.
Speaker 1: Well high school, Yeah, you went to Mid with Mid
Speaker 1: with that four thousand.
Speaker 3: That was culture shock then now, So I went from
Speaker 3: four hundred school that had four hundred kids more or
Speaker 3: less almost, but that.
Speaker 1: Four hundred kids was from nursery.
Speaker 2: To eighth grade, so middle classes were.
Speaker 1: From seventy five kids to four.
Speaker 3: Thousand kids in one school. And that's when I was like,
Speaker 3: oh okay, So the freedom became more of a thing
Speaker 3: for me. Oh you talked about getting the hall pass,
Speaker 3: because you've seen Homeboy come up with his hall past,
Speaker 3: and I got it. Go to the bathroom too. My
Speaker 3: bathroom break was spent in the stairwell making out like.
Speaker 3: Those were the times that I was like, oh okay,
Speaker 3: this is when the exploration got hot and heavy and
Speaker 3: I became sexually active in high school.
Speaker 1: It started for you in high school because of the
Speaker 1: school you went too. It started in middle school with us.
Speaker 2: It was the environment had so much to do with it.
Speaker 1: It was the environment. But I remember it just being
Speaker 1: like it was the girls and then it was the guys,
Speaker 1: and it was just like a girl and the guy
Speaker 1: would get together and they would do stuff for something
Speaker 1: would happen. Then they would come back to the guy.
Speaker 1: The guy would come back to guds like, yo, we
Speaker 1: did this. The girl will go back to the girls
Speaker 1: say we did that, and then it was on the
Speaker 1: next couple who got pressure from both groups to like,
Speaker 1: y'all gotta do this, you know what I'm saying. It
Speaker 1: was almost like the whole group. Both sides wanted other
Speaker 1: people to experiment, to see what it was like to
Speaker 1: come back before they got their turn. So the pressure
Speaker 1: came from yeah, we were the guinea pigs, but the
Speaker 1: pressure came from like everybody just not knowing but being
Speaker 1: afraid to participate. So they were just like, let's watch
Speaker 1: them and see what happened, and then let's hear what
Speaker 1: they say happened, you know, And it goes from zero
Speaker 1: to one hundred quick, because it goes from a kiss,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, Just a quick kiss, a
Speaker 1: pet That's how it starts in sixth grade, or they
Speaker 1: kissed to oh, they got the pass and they went
Speaker 1: into the hallway and they used tongue. Then it's they
Speaker 1: made out and I grabbed booze. Oh I put my
Speaker 1: hand in her pants. Oh, I jacked him off. Oh
Speaker 1: I made him come. It goes from a kiss to
Speaker 1: I made him come. And that's all from six to
Speaker 1: seventh grade like that time, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: And then it becomes this thing where all of these
Speaker 1: kids are in this school, thousand over a thousand kids
Speaker 1: in the school. They're all trying to figure out what
Speaker 1: this sex thing is. Most of the parents are not
Speaker 1: having this conversation, and middle school is where it starts
Speaker 1: and then development happens. I remember girls coming in sixth
Speaker 1: grade looking like gum and then leaving looking like you.
Speaker 1: Eighth grade, they're like a stick of gum. It's like
Speaker 1: a stick of gum like in sixth grade, and then
Speaker 1: by eighth grade it's small way tits jeans and then
Speaker 1: young girls dressed for the attention that they're going to
Speaker 1: get from guys, you know what I'm saying, and guys
Speaker 1: not knowing how they realized, yeah.
Speaker 2: I can fill these jeans out. Okay.
Speaker 1: Once I got to seventh grade, that's when I seen
Speaker 1: how the the clothes changed. Sixth grade, it was like
Speaker 1: girls still wore washed, baggy jeans and they just kind
Speaker 1: of dressed like. Guys still had overalls and you couldn't
Speaker 1: really tell which guys with the girls. Got seventh grade,
Speaker 1: that's when crop tops started and they I remember, hooey,
Speaker 1: they had to make crop tops not lead Like, you
Speaker 1: couldn't wear crop tops to school anymore. You couldn't wear
Speaker 1: spaghetti straps the school. The boys couldn't wear a tanks
Speaker 1: to schools like they had all of these rules now
Speaker 1: about the stuff that we all couldn't wear because.
Speaker 3: Of the way people's bodies developed, bodies developing, right, you
Speaker 3: know see. And I was delayed in that too. When
Speaker 3: you think about you said that sixth seventh eighth grade
Speaker 3: people came into their own. I again, being sheltered in
Speaker 3: the school that went to eighth grade, I wore a
Speaker 3: uniform when I got to high school. I had no
Speaker 3: sense of style, fashion, nothing. I just I was in
Speaker 3: school in baggy clothes, like, not knowing what was going on.
Speaker 2: I had just got embraced it.
Speaker 3: I was like, man, I'm starting high school on the
Speaker 3: bottom end of the roller coaster. And then when I
Speaker 3: finally started to come into my own around the middle
Speaker 3: of sophomore year, I was like, oh, this is how
Speaker 3: the girls addressing.
Speaker 2: So that's when I started to get my guess.
Speaker 3: Jeans and my baby fat and my little boots, and
Speaker 3: I went from having a backpack to like a shoulder
Speaker 3: toe bag. And you know, so you start to adapt
Speaker 3: and you developing all those sense of style based off
Speaker 3: of what your friend was.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, it was astounding because.
Speaker 1: You just like a grown woman when I met you
Speaker 1: at eighteen, because the.
Speaker 2: Point and stuff.
Speaker 3: So I was like, okay, So now I was like,
Speaker 3: all right, this is what it means to have some
Speaker 3: sort of way to you know, come into my own
Speaker 3: when it came to like fashion sense and stuff, and
Speaker 3: then body started to body a little bit, and I
Speaker 3: was like.
Speaker 1: Okay, be honest about this too. When we got to
Speaker 1: high school, my father said to me that there were
Speaker 1: condoms in the drug. No one talks to me about
Speaker 1: how to put a condom on. That's one of the
Speaker 1: most nerve racking things a young boy can do, right
Speaker 1: before having sexes, put a condom on. So you know
Speaker 1: what I did didn't put condoms on. And I had
Speaker 1: a couple of scares in high school because I didn't
Speaker 1: wear a condom. Wow. And that's another thing I don't
Speaker 1: want for my sons. I don't want my sons like
Speaker 1: my cousin Kai. He's younger than me. He's twelve years
Speaker 1: younger than me. When he was in seventh grade, my
Speaker 1: brother and I. He was telling us about, you know,
Speaker 1: his friends and stuff, and he was just like, yeah,
Speaker 1: so was old got had here and they was doing
Speaker 1: this and doing that. And rather than be an older
Speaker 1: cousin and you know, do what to all, Yeah, go
Speaker 1: ahead and do that. I said, Oh, where are you
Speaker 1: you thinking about having sex? He was just like yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, you know, I do do my best, you know,
Speaker 1: trying to He don't know, he's a kid. I said,
Speaker 1: let's got's go to the corner store. He was like,
Speaker 1: what do you mean, So come on, let's go to
Speaker 1: the corner store. It's me younger brother and God, and
Speaker 1: I'm grown at this point. I'm twenty something years old
Speaker 1: and he's fourteen, so I'm twenty six. So I'm like,
Speaker 1: go into the corner store and ask for condoms. Huh,
Speaker 1: go into the corner store and ask for condoms. So
Speaker 1: I watched him going there to the front and he
Speaker 1: nervous because he's never done this before. But that's my point.
Speaker 1: That's the point when you're nervous and you've never done it,
Speaker 1: but you want to be in a don't have sex now,
Speaker 1: you're afraid, so you don't ask, so you go and
Speaker 1: you don't have. You don't have a condom, So I said,
Speaker 1: go ask for condoms. Tell him, you know, see what
Speaker 1: kind of condoms you want. So the guy looked at him,
Speaker 1: looked at me. He's like, what kind of condoms you want?
Speaker 1: He's like, oh, the purple ones.
Speaker 2: I'm like.
Speaker 1: The rough rise it was. It was a purple rough rider.
Speaker 1: So he got some purple rough riders. Right, So I
Speaker 1: said that boom, he comes back and he gets to
Speaker 1: the Lucy's. You get a loosey condoms. It's different than
Speaker 1: now you gotta buy packs. He bought because you could.
Speaker 1: You could buy a cigarette in the Yeah, in the
Speaker 1: corner store, in the corner store in Brooklyn, you can
Speaker 1: buy a pack of condoms. Or you can buy a
Speaker 1: loosey condom like you just let let me get one.
Speaker 1: You can do that every every place. I've got that
Speaker 1: by the corner store. Day. Let me tell you something.
Speaker 1: Aout Brooklyn, you can get anything you want. In Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: You can buy one stick of gum that ass. You
Speaker 1: can buy one stick of gum. The corner store across
Speaker 1: the streets, and the corner store across the street from Dolo.
Speaker 1: You can go in there with a dime and be like, yo,
Speaker 1: let me get a juicy fruit, and they'll give you
Speaker 1: one stick of gum because money. Hell yeah, that's what
Speaker 1: they think about. If a pack of gum costs twenty
Speaker 1: five cents, but you can sell the individuals and five
Speaker 1: of them in there for ten cents, you just doubled up.
Speaker 1: You made fifty cent per pack of gun. So they
Speaker 1: smart the condoms. So now he got the condom in
Speaker 1: his pocket. He's feeling like a you know, a tough guy.
Speaker 1: We go back to the house in the basement, A
Speaker 1: pull a lot of hair brush. I go put the
Speaker 1: condom on the hair brush. Huh, put the condom on
Speaker 1: the hair brush. You were talking about having sex. You
Speaker 1: have to learn how to be smooth and comfortable doing
Speaker 1: this so that you don't shy away from doing it
Speaker 1: when it's time to do the deed. Bro all right,
Speaker 1: So he would you fucked it up a couple times,
Speaker 1: And I say, she would have been pregnant because that
Speaker 1: condom is coming off. You didn't pinch the tip, you
Speaker 1: didn't do nothing like you. There's certain things you have
Speaker 1: to do. So he was just like, all right. So
Speaker 1: I taught him and to this day, Kai never had
Speaker 1: any kids. Thank God, you know what I'm saying. But
Speaker 1: I made him feel comfortable doing the things that's necessary
Speaker 1: for him to be safe. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And not for nothing. I know I have boys. If
Speaker 1: I had a girl, I would literally do the same thing.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be that type of dad that's going
Speaker 1: to be like, my daughter's not having sex until she's forty. No,
Speaker 1: there's a good chance that if my daughter looks anything
Speaker 1: like my wife, and if she's built anything like my wife,
Speaker 1: somebody else's son gonna be knocking on this door the
Speaker 1: same way I was knocking on her parents' door. So listen,
Speaker 1: little kay Jr. This is you. You did You're having sex,
Speaker 1: You're interested in having sex. You know that not having sex?
Speaker 1: Shut up. Let's go to the corner store, go buy
Speaker 1: a condom.
Speaker 2: Period.
Speaker 1: And now I want to see you put a condom
Speaker 1: on the brush. And why would I do that? If
Speaker 1: a young man is nervous about putting on the condom,
Speaker 1: you know what would make him unnervous a pretty girl
Speaker 1: putting the condom on him. I'm just being honest. I
Speaker 1: was being honest the pretty girls like, don't worry about it.
Speaker 1: I got it and push the condom on. Now she's
Speaker 1: making sure that he's safe, but she's protecting herself as well.
Speaker 1: So yeah, you did do that to me twice and
Speaker 1: then that shit finished early. Boy, she's nasty. Let me
Speaker 1: tell you something about us. The reason why we like
Speaker 1: having these conversations because we did not live this. We
Speaker 1: did not do this stuff. We had so many pitfalls
Speaker 1: and so many stuff that we was like, man, I
Speaker 1: wish my parents would have told me about this because
Speaker 1: I hated wearing a fucking rough ride of condoms and
Speaker 1: Kay hated the fact that I had the rough ride
Speaker 1: of condoms. And she was just like, man, this ship
Speaker 1: is fucking whack.
Speaker 2: But it served this purpose for as long as.
Speaker 1: It did them two times and.
Speaker 3: Then I was like, I gotta get a red drunk
Speaker 3: this guy right here.
Speaker 2: Before we were young. We was eighteen though, like we was.
Speaker 2: We was young babies.
Speaker 1: He was young. And it's the sad thing is at
Speaker 1: Hofstra Dutch trees, that's all they had the rough rider
Speaker 1: columns with the ridges. Then the ridges like been making
Speaker 1: noise when they go in and out. The koochie.
Speaker 3: Let's throw into these bills. Yeah, we'll be back, all right, y'all.
Speaker 3: We are back and we're gonna hit it with these listeners.
Speaker 2: All right, y'all.
Speaker 3: HIV and Kadeen recently found your podcast and I absolutely
Speaker 3: love it. I've quickly become a fan and enjoy each episode.
Speaker 3: I've joined the.
Speaker 2: Patreon family as well.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 2: It's so dope over here, y'all. If you haven't joined yet,
Speaker 2: you have to.
Speaker 3: And I can't wait until to wait, And I can't
Speaker 3: wait until you all do your next set of live
Speaker 3: shows so I can see you all in person. We're
Speaker 3: already planning for our next round of live shows.
Speaker 1: Twenty twenty four February.
Speaker 2: Yes, Lily beyside with.
Speaker 1: You be counting the cliff of Valentine's Day weekend maybe weekdays?
Speaker 2: Fancy yall.
Speaker 3: I've been dating my long distance boyfriend for seventeen months,
Speaker 3: almost one point five years. I'm twenty eight and he's
Speaker 3: twenty nine. We're in love and I planned to spend
Speaker 3: the rest of my life with him. He's definitely everything
Speaker 3: that I've prayed for. And more recently, I've decided I
Speaker 3: will move to the city he is currently living in,
Speaker 3: so we no longer have to be long distance. I'm
Speaker 3: already planning to get a place of my own so
Speaker 3: that is close to him. A few days ago, he
Speaker 3: asked me to consider the idea of move moving in
Speaker 3: with him instead. I've always been hesitating on the idea
Speaker 3: of that because I never imagine living with or sharing
Speaker 3: a home with a man before he's my husband, and
Speaker 3: I never wanted to be in a place where I'm
Speaker 3: living with a man for years on end with no
Speaker 3: plan of ever getting married. He listed off some of
Speaker 3: the positives of living together and how we can build
Speaker 3: a life together by doing so, and now I'm considering it.
Speaker 3: We were there, I asked him if we do this,
Speaker 3: how long would it be or how long will we
Speaker 3: be living together before we get married. I prefer no
Speaker 3: more than two years. He told me that the idea
Speaker 3: of marrying again is nice, but he has grown to
Speaker 3: be on the fence about it as he believes that
Speaker 3: there's no advantage to marriage for men. He also said,
Speaker 3: marry me require some planning, and he needs time before
Speaker 3: he proposes. My question is should I move in with
Speaker 3: him without getting a definitive answer on when we will
Speaker 3: be married?
Speaker 2: Uh huh?
Speaker 3: Or should I stay in my own apartment and we
Speaker 3: move in together once we're married.
Speaker 2: Loaded, very loaded question here he.
Speaker 1: Gave her an answer. He said he's not interested in
Speaker 1: getting married again. He's on the fence about it, but
Speaker 1: he wants her to come in there and move in
Speaker 1: with him. You know what that means? He does not
Speaker 1: plan on getting married again.
Speaker 2: He was married before.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he said it right here. That miss that, But
Speaker 1: that again must means he was marrying See, she says,
Speaker 1: he told me that he had that. The idea of
Speaker 1: marrying again is nice, but he has grown to be
Speaker 1: on the fence about it, which he was probably married before.
Speaker 1: Possibly he doesn't want to be married again. Plus his
Speaker 1: ideas about marriage not being having value from.
Speaker 3: Men, Right, it sounds like a man scorn to if
Speaker 3: he was married before, so that he was in a
Speaker 3: situation where he felt like he had no real advantage
Speaker 3: in that situation.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: It depends on how you value marriage. First of all,
Speaker 1: this idea that marriage has no value for men. I
Speaker 1: understand that sentiment as a man, because, like we've talked
Speaker 1: about so many times in this podcast, in this day
Speaker 1: and age, if I want to marry you, I have
Speaker 1: to spend money to propose, spend money for an engagement.
Speaker 1: Then spend money for a wedding and then be the
Speaker 1: sole person responsible to figure out how our life is
Speaker 1: going to live for the rest of our life because
Speaker 1: I have to protect and provide, right, what does a
Speaker 1: woman have to tangibly provide in order for all of
Speaker 1: that to happen. She just has to be there. So
Speaker 1: a lot of men feel like all of the onus
Speaker 1: on me is to create this life that we have.
Speaker 1: So if I don't really see value in being with
Speaker 1: someone else, what's the advantage of that for me in life?
Speaker 1: That's how men feel based on the narrative that's being created.
Speaker 2: Around marriage, around marriage.
Speaker 3: Today and for me, when I said that this was us,
Speaker 3: she mentioned the benefits of living together ahead of time,
Speaker 3: which is funny because I feel like just recently we
Speaker 3: met someone who said that they were met everything was
Speaker 3: great until with her and her boyfriend. They had a
Speaker 3: relationship for house so many years they were together, and
Speaker 3: then when they finally moved in together after marriage, everything
Speaker 3: went to shit and it was the moving and living
Speaker 3: with this person for two years. She said this was
Speaker 3: awful and wish she wished that she had moved in
Speaker 3: with him ahead of time, because it's a totally different beast,
Speaker 3: And there are advantages to living with somebody. If you're
Speaker 3: going to be now relocating to their town, right, you're
Speaker 3: saving money on rent financially, financially yeah, be able to
Speaker 3: make like a plan for how you want to spend life.
Speaker 2: And that was something that was huge for us.
Speaker 3: We always lived together, and part of me misses the
Speaker 3: fact that I didn't have a stent of just living
Speaker 3: on my own.
Speaker 2: And I've said that before.
Speaker 1: You have never lived on your.
Speaker 2: Own, you know what I mean? They having my own place, I'd.
Speaker 1: Have been in your spot the whole time you were.
Speaker 2: Even from college days when I had my apartment on campus.
Speaker 1: And I ain't gonna lie. I wish you had like
Speaker 1: a little loft apartment too. I can come there and
Speaker 1: just fuck your brains out in your loft apartment and.
Speaker 2: Then you go back to your home and you know
Speaker 2: what happened.
Speaker 1: You know what happened. I probably stayed the night anyway,
Speaker 1: got up and did stuff.
Speaker 2: Just recently, they're not just recently, said tell another thing.
Speaker 2: I was telling somebody. I think I was just doing it.
Speaker 3: When I was in Sweden with the Crew, I was like, listen,
Speaker 3: I would love to have a penthouse apartment somewhere I
Speaker 3: don't know, like Miami or something somewhere fly or the
Speaker 3: weather is great, it's going to be all white everywhere. No,
Speaker 3: my kids won't even know that this place exists. They'll
Speaker 3: just know that Mom went away for her retreat to
Speaker 3: her place, to her apartment. And then Daddy can come
Speaker 3: and pull up and invite me. You know, I'll fly
Speaker 3: you out. You got to fill it out though that too,
Speaker 3: But I'll fly you. I buy a ticket, fly you out.
Speaker 3: You can meet me there.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: We don't even have to fly together, no finish. We
Speaker 3: can get the effect that the affected me, that I'll
Speaker 3: be there. Then you meet me there and you pull
Speaker 3: up with flowers and all sorts of romantic shit, and
Speaker 3: I'll be there, decked out in my lingerie and whatnot.
Speaker 2: And it can go down for a weekend. We can
Speaker 2: still make it happen.
Speaker 1: We can. But you telling that stories the perfect example
Speaker 1: is why men feel like marriage is not fair for them.
Speaker 2: I just want you cannot live out my fantasy though
Speaker 2: that I missed out.
Speaker 1: All I'm saying is in your mind, it would be
Speaker 1: okay for you to have your own place with your
Speaker 1: own stuff, and the kids ain't there, and I gotta
Speaker 1: pay for it. But you get to go there and
Speaker 1: fly and doff. No, no, even if you don't, even if
Speaker 1: you pay for it. The idea is that you get
Speaker 1: to have all of that and your own stuff. But
Speaker 1: if I say I want my own apartment, hell no,
Speaker 1: you can.
Speaker 2: Have your OARTMENTEO.
Speaker 1: We're not talking about you. We're talking about what would
Speaker 1: be seen as accept Like if you said that, all
Speaker 1: the women would probably be like, yes, yes. But if
Speaker 1: the minute you say Deval has his own apartment in
Speaker 1: the city, women would then be like, no, why is
Speaker 1: he in his own apartment?
Speaker 2: And starts exactly.
Speaker 1: And that's why men feel like, what is the ad
Speaker 1: what what is the advantage of being married? If I'm
Speaker 1: responsible for giving you everything and proving to you everything
Speaker 1: that I am worthy of when you don't really bring anything.
Speaker 1: That's how men think when they think about marriage.
Speaker 3: But you're not thinking of tangible things though, like what
Speaker 3: do you bring materialise as in terms of money. This
Speaker 3: that that they don't think about the companionship and the
Speaker 3: care of and that part you're thinking. You're talking about
Speaker 3: the tangible things that women bring because I don't think
Speaker 3: it's fair to say that women don't bring anything, because.
Speaker 1: Then I'm not saying women relationship. I'm not saying women
Speaker 1: don't bring anything, because if I really believe that, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't be married. But what I'm saying is that what
Speaker 1: I'm saying is is that if you look at how
Speaker 1: marriage is designed in this country, we have to buy
Speaker 1: a ring to propose to you, We have to pay
Speaker 1: for an engagement party, we have like men have to
Speaker 1: then provide a wedding. Then men are responsible for the finances.
Speaker 1: If something goes bad in the house, they don't say
Speaker 1: what's what's your wife doing? Is what is your husband doing?
Speaker 1: So for a man, it's like the way the way
Speaker 1: the narrative has changed, where women want all us independence
Speaker 1: and they want all their own stuff and they make
Speaker 1: all their own money. It's like, so if you want
Speaker 1: to make all your own money and you want to
Speaker 1: be by yourself, and you want to be an independent,
Speaker 1: strong woman that can do all these other things, but
Speaker 1: you still want me to use my money to propose
Speaker 1: to you, marry you provide a life for you. How
Speaker 1: is that advantageous for me as a man? And that's
Speaker 1: what the narrative has become when the truth of the
Speaker 1: marriage is narrative. The truth of the matter is, that's
Speaker 1: not even what marriage is. Marriage is a combination of
Speaker 1: two people coming together to create a life for themselves.
Speaker 1: You make your own money, I make my own money.
Speaker 1: I still pay all the bills in the house. But
Speaker 1: you still provide a lot of things to me. When
Speaker 1: something wants to get brought or something like that, you
Speaker 1: don't be like devol. Let me go into your stuff.
Speaker 1: You can pay for it on your own, and you
Speaker 1: buy me stuff. When the kids need stuff for planning
Speaker 1: for their school and they need planning for vacation, you
Speaker 1: pay for that. But the truth of the matter is,
Speaker 1: in this day and age, people aren't even having that
Speaker 1: conversation about what their marriage looks like. The conversation is
Speaker 1: always what is marriage in general look like? But no
Speaker 1: one person fits into a box of what marriage looks like. Generally.
Speaker 1: It's always created between the two people. And I feel
Speaker 1: like if he had a better idea of what marriage
Speaker 1: was to him, he wouldn't make that statement about what
Speaker 1: is advantageous to men about marriage. You understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And I feel like if she understood what marriage was
Speaker 1: about and knew what it was, she would start to
Speaker 1: understand that he's telling you how he feels about it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because I'm really looking at this question and listening together.
Speaker 3: Once we are married, I'm like girl, and it's going
Speaker 3: to be a resentment. It definitely will, especially if you're
Speaker 3: moving into it under those pretenses, whether you move in
Speaker 3: with him or move to his city. You know, then
Speaker 3: it's going to be like if things don't work out,
Speaker 3: or he doesn't want to be married, or you're just
Speaker 3: there in limbo and you can't put this time frame again,
Speaker 3: I know how it.
Speaker 2: Put the time frame you can listen, It's.
Speaker 3: Hard because you're gonna have to put him within these
Speaker 3: the context of this timeframe you made.
Speaker 1: This is what This is what we need to stop doing.
Speaker 1: If she puts a time frame on her life on
Speaker 1: when she wants to get married, she's not saying that
Speaker 1: this is the time frame all women need to put
Speaker 1: on all of their lives for their marriage to work.
Speaker 1: This is what she wants, it's her life. If that's
Speaker 1: what she requires in her life, she's entitled to say
Speaker 1: that the same way I've learned, Like with us when
Speaker 1: we were talking openly about the monogamy episode, and we
Speaker 1: talked about pressure, and we talked about what was right
Speaker 1: and what was wrong. Reading a lot of the comments,
Speaker 1: I've watched people say that they thought this was wrong,
Speaker 1: and they would give examples about their life. But then
Speaker 1: I realized, we're not talking about your life. You can't
Speaker 1: give examples about why what Kay did was wrong, about
Speaker 1: what I did was wrong with examples in your life.
Speaker 1: We're talking about our life. If Kay says to me, Yo,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be engaged for two years, Kay
Speaker 1: is entitled to say that the same way. If Daval decides, Okay,
Speaker 1: if we getting married and we're doing all of this
Speaker 1: other stuff, I would like to have sex every day.
Speaker 1: You can either say yes or no. But if that's
Speaker 1: what I require for my life, for us to be monogamous,
Speaker 1: can't nobody else tell me that what I require is
Speaker 1: too much for you because they don't want to do it.
Speaker 1: I'm not asking you. I'm asking her the same way
Speaker 1: she is not asking y'all husbands to marry y'all and
Speaker 1: to or she's asking me. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: I get to do that.
Speaker 3: No, I know that, and I agree with that. I
Speaker 3: was just saying, sometimes us as women get caught up
Speaker 3: on this timeline that's perfection that we think in her
Speaker 3: mind is like here's what the age I should be
Speaker 3: doing all these absolutely and then if you get a
Speaker 3: know or denial, it's like this it's my timeline.
Speaker 2: So I can empathize with her in that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, just like you know what, I understand, you have
Speaker 3: a time frame in your mind, but sometimes you need
Speaker 3: to sometimes be malleable and the timeline shifting a bit
Speaker 3: depending on how she can present.
Speaker 1: The timeline, and it's up to him to take in
Speaker 1: her mind.
Speaker 2: Like I don't think it should be in your mind.
Speaker 1: I think she should present it and let him decide. Like,
Speaker 1: that's to me what's great about us. You can present
Speaker 1: it open, honestly and in real time, and it's up
Speaker 1: to me to decide if I want to meet that
Speaker 1: timeline or talk to you about how we can at
Speaker 1: least move it a little bit so it works for
Speaker 1: you and me. That to me is what makes marriage true.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Because I've.
Speaker 2: Gotten all the cars out there.
Speaker 1: That's it. Put it out there, tell me what you want.
Speaker 1: You know, how many men I watched say I never
Speaker 1: do I could never do what the vow do, like
Speaker 1: she required too much, she need this, she need that,
Speaker 1: And it really made me realize, like, wow, a lot
Speaker 1: of men think that what you require is too much,
Speaker 1: but I don't mind providing it, So what I I
Speaker 1: would be fucked up if I was just like, well,
Speaker 1: they think you asking for too much, so I don't
Speaker 1: think I should give you that, even if I know
Speaker 1: I can give you that advice versa to GI yeah
Speaker 1: and vice versa. Right, Like for me, it's I like
Speaker 1: hot cooked meals when I come home my wanma plate made.
Speaker 1: How many women told you don't make his plate and
Speaker 1: you were just like why would Well, I don't mind
Speaker 1: making this play.
Speaker 2: I enjoy it, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So it's like, imagine if you like, I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: make it play because they feel like you asking for
Speaker 1: too much. What we have to start doing as people
Speaker 1: is putting our needs and wants on the forefront to
Speaker 1: the person we want and being like, yo, this is
Speaker 1: what I want, it's what I need, Like what's up
Speaker 1: you with me?
Speaker 3: And then being honest about the fact of whether you
Speaker 3: want to or not or not deliver on that.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: A lot of times we'll be like, YEA, yeah, I
Speaker 3: think I could do that, and it's just like, damn,
Speaker 3: when is the bigger things?
Speaker 1: A feelings changed and that and that to me is
Speaker 1: what the great The best answer for them too is
Speaker 1: for her, it's like, yo, sweetheart, tell him exactly what
Speaker 1: you want, telling what you require, what Jack Shacks has
Speaker 1: walked in. Tell him what you want, telling what you require,
Speaker 1: allow him to tell you how he plans on making
Speaker 1: that work, whether it's in the timeframe you want or not,
Speaker 1: and then making a decision of whether or not you
Speaker 1: want to be patient about that, but also allow him
Speaker 1: to tell you what he requires and what he wants,
Speaker 1: and then be patient with him. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: I think that's fair.
Speaker 1: That's how she should go about this.
Speaker 2: I think that's fair.
Speaker 1: Se see what you want and figure it out.
Speaker 2: Good luck, sus. That was a good one.
Speaker 1: Number two. Hey Kadeen and Davao or I see the
Speaker 1: GT massive. Yes, I love you one sisters as a team,
Speaker 1: and thank you so much. I've watched every episode.
Speaker 2: So.
Speaker 1: I'm twenty three years old and I'm from Guyana Nice.
Speaker 1: I'm a mother of one, and I'm a teacher. I
Speaker 1: was in a relationship with my child's father for three years.
Speaker 1: Throughout the relationship, we had financial issues and issues with infidelity.
Speaker 1: We ended up ending things last May. So I met
Speaker 1: someone else, total opposite, true sweetheart. But I'm having issues
Speaker 1: letting him in and just trusting him. Can you give
Speaker 1: me advice on how to move forward?
Speaker 2: He can't pay for his mistakes, sys about it? Come on,
Speaker 2: just be open to it. Be open to it.
Speaker 3: Why are we going to drag this guy who you
Speaker 3: said is someone else's complete opposite or true sweetheart, doing
Speaker 3: all the things, but he's going to have to suffer
Speaker 3: for someone else's mistakes. Isn't that a song Usher made?
Speaker 3: Usher has a song talking about paying for someone else's mistakes?
Speaker 3: But anyway, that's neither here nor there. But it's actually
Speaker 3: that's what I'm trying to say. You just can't do
Speaker 3: it like as simple as that. You have to give
Speaker 3: this man a chance to be who he is and
Speaker 3: accept that. And I understand sometimes trauma leaves you a
Speaker 3: little guarded and it makes you feel like you don't
Speaker 3: want to show all your cards if you will, and
Speaker 3: after we just talked about showing all your cards, but
Speaker 3: also to I don't think.
Speaker 2: It's fair to the person you're involved with.
Speaker 1: Now I agree with you. I have nothing to add
Speaker 1: to that. Only thing I can say is trusting is
Speaker 1: a choice. You choose to trust someone you don't someone else.
Speaker 1: Something won't let me trust this person. You're making a
Speaker 1: choice to trust them or not. And if you don't
Speaker 1: trust them, you have to decipher why. If it's because
Speaker 1: of your own traumas, Like you say, you got to
Speaker 1: work on your own traumas so that you can choose
Speaker 1: to trust trust someone. If you don't trust them because
Speaker 1: it's something they've done, then you need to choose whether
Speaker 1: or not you want to be with that person or not.
Speaker 3: Do you think when you enter into a relationship you
Speaker 3: start with the trust here at the top, and then
Speaker 3: you then it'll dwiddle down depending on what transpires to
Speaker 3: remove that trust.
Speaker 1: No, I think I think you're tru remains the same
Speaker 1: regardless because people need to have grace. People need to
Speaker 1: be given grace to make decisions and then to be
Speaker 1: told that the decision you made isn't in alignment with
Speaker 1: what I want from my life. Right, if we're just
Speaker 1: getting to know each other, say, we just started me
Speaker 1: and you dating, but we don't decide that we're going
Speaker 1: to be exclusive. We just dating, right, and I see
Speaker 1: you out with another guy. Do I then lose trusting
Speaker 1: you if there's something we didn't discuss. No, okay, So
Speaker 1: now I say, listen, I want to be exclusive. You
Speaker 1: want to be exclusive? He goes, yeah, okay, cool, so
Speaker 1: we're not going to date other people? All right, we're
Speaker 1: not dating other people? Cool? Are we exclusive? I would
Speaker 1: say we're exclusive. We're still figuring out, but we're choosing
Speaker 1: not to date other people. Then I see your phone
Speaker 1: and you have text message from another man. Then I'm like, dang,
Speaker 1: I didn't say that we I said we weren't dating.
Speaker 1: I didn't say we weren't entertaining other people. My point
Speaker 1: is there's a timeframe in life where you have to
Speaker 1: go through things to figure out if you guys are
Speaker 1: on alignment on things, and your trust can't waiver while
Speaker 1: you're going through that process. You can't just automatically start
Speaker 1: trusting because someone doesn't move perfectly the way you want
Speaker 1: them to move. You have to take time to figure
Speaker 1: out if this person is worth going through that phade,
Speaker 1: that dance of back and forth. If this is what
Speaker 1: we want to do and what we don't want to do,
Speaker 1: and I think trust stays there until you just say
Speaker 1: you know what. I just I want to trust no more.
Speaker 1: And once I don't want to trust this person, why
Speaker 1: we entertain him unless it's just a play thing. I
Speaker 1: don't trust you, but we bone and I enjoy that,
Speaker 1: So let's do that. But I don't trust you. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying that in their relationships like that,
Speaker 1: it's transactional.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we know what it is. If we know what
Speaker 2: it is, I know what I wet myself into. There
Speaker 2: you go, All right, y'all.
Speaker 3: If you want to refeatures as a listener letter, be
Speaker 3: sure to email us at the ass Advice at gmail
Speaker 3: dot com.
Speaker 2: I don't know why that stumble me up.
Speaker 1: That's right, that's D E A D A S S
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, time for my own the truth.
Speaker 3: We're talking you go, first sex, middle school, all that stuff.
Speaker 3: I guess I'm my moment of truth with all being
Speaker 3: said about our sexual experiences, our children's future sexual experiences.
Speaker 2: Lord help us.
Speaker 1: I've I've said you kind of twitch when you started
Speaker 1: saying that, Yeah, I.
Speaker 3: Think my moment of truth ultimately is just making sure
Speaker 3: that everything that we speak to our children about is
Speaker 3: coded in facts and not fear. It's coded in love
Speaker 3: and not in love and not jaded experiences of the
Speaker 3: way we've existed. And it's also just learning to as parents,
Speaker 3: know our children, know our history and where we've come
Speaker 3: from in terms of our relationship with our parents, and
Speaker 3: seeing how that was a detriment to us, and then
Speaker 3: kind of trying to change the approach when it comes
Speaker 3: to our children so their outcomes don't have to be
Speaker 3: the same as ours. I think that's ultimately all we
Speaker 3: ever want is parents right for our kids to be
Speaker 3: and do better.
Speaker 1: So I like that I'll make sure that that you
Speaker 1: speak to them in facts are not fear. My moment
Speaker 1: of truth is this, Let's protect our youth by providing
Speaker 1: them with education. Let's stop stigmatizing and shaming young women
Speaker 1: for having the same sexual urges that we all have.
Speaker 1: You know, Let's stop doing that to young ladies so
Speaker 1: that they can own their sexualities and be comfortable having
Speaker 1: these conversations with the young men or young women that
Speaker 1: they want to share with and not have to feel
Speaker 1: guarded and scared. Let's protect our young men by teaching
Speaker 1: them to have empathy for what young women go through
Speaker 1: Number one. But also let's give them the confidence to
Speaker 1: walk with well, let's give them the strength to walk
Speaker 1: with confidence through their sexuality so that they don't have
Speaker 1: to prey on people and they don't have to use
Speaker 1: their powers, you know, because they don't feel comfortable in
Speaker 1: their manhood. So let's protect our young men and our
Speaker 1: young women by providing them with that knowledge that they
Speaker 1: can be comfortable walking and comfortence.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and supporting them through the exploration process while they
Speaker 3: figure out who they like what they like, because we
Speaker 3: know that there's no cookie cutter way to do absolutely,
Speaker 3: So yeah, I feel like being the safe haven for
Speaker 3: our children to say, all right, maybe this is going
Speaker 3: against the green or the norm or what you guys expected,
Speaker 3: but receiving it with love and then moving forward from there.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I agree with you.
Speaker 2: All right, y'all. I closed out my run of show
Speaker 2: I Got You, I Got You.
Speaker 1: Maybe I got you because you know you, you didn't want
Speaker 1: to look at the run of.
Speaker 2: The show today, so I should have it.
Speaker 1: Be sure to find us on Patreon Exclusive Dead Ass
Speaker 1: podcast video content, and find us on social media at
Speaker 1: dead Ass, to podcast I Am and I Am Devouring.
Speaker 1: If you're listening on Apple podcasts.
Speaker 3: Be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 1: Make sure that you always read the run of show.
Speaker 1: If you work with.
Speaker 2: And Now, you know that they sell lucy condoms in
Speaker 2: the store.
Speaker 1: I don't know they do anymore because this was back
Speaker 1: in Oh, this was about ten years ago. I don't
Speaker 1: know what the world looking like now. I haven't brought
Speaker 1: a condom in god knows how long. I mean, y'all know,
Speaker 1: at least at least for at least for at least
Speaker 1: for a time.
Speaker 2: Then I'll see you next time.
Speaker 4: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
Speaker 4: its produced by Donor Pinya and Triple. Follow the podcast
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Speaker 4: miss a Thing.