Speaker 1: Being present and seeing your values gives you a sense
Speaker 1: of who you are, and you get to decide if
Speaker 1: that's the person you want to be. You spend more
Speaker 1: time with yourself than anyone else in your lifetime. Take
Speaker 1: the time to appreciate your strengths and admit the areas
Speaker 1: where you need work. Then when you enter a relationship
Speaker 1: with someone else, you'll already have a sense of what
Speaker 1: you're bringing to the table and where you could improve. Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every one of
Speaker 1: you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow.
Speaker 1: I hope you're doing awesome. I hope your year is
Speaker 1: going really, really well so far, and I hope that
Speaker 1: you're finding time to connect with yourself. I hope you're
Speaker 1: enjoying my new book if you started reading it or
Speaker 1: listening to it, even if you haven't, I have a
Speaker 1: little gift for you today. I managed to get the
Speaker 1: first chapter of the audiobook totally free for you today
Speaker 1: on the episode, So you're going to get to hear
Speaker 1: the first chapter of the audiobook absolutely free, and of
Speaker 1: course if you enjoy it. If you love it, head
Speaker 1: over to eight Rules of Love dot com and you
Speaker 1: can buy the audiobook right now and listen to the
Speaker 1: rest of the book. Of course, you can get it
Speaker 1: from Audible, from Amazon wherever you listen to audiobooks, especially
Speaker 1: because you're a listener of on purpose, I wanted to
Speaker 1: do this as a gift for you. I hope you
Speaker 1: enjoy it, and I hope you'll listen and learn from
Speaker 1: the rest of the book. And I'd love to invite
Speaker 1: you to come and see me for my global tour
Speaker 1: Love Rules. Go to Jay shedytour dot com to learn
Speaker 1: more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't
Speaker 1: wait to see you this year. In this episode, I'll
Speaker 1: be talking about how to spend more time alone, how
Speaker 1: to actually be happy alone, how to be alone and
Speaker 1: enjoy our own company. What are the activities and things
Speaker 1: you can do when you're on your own. I think
Speaker 1: so many of us wonder, like Jay, well, if I'm
Speaker 1: on my own, what am I going to do? And
Speaker 1: I feel uncomfortable with that idea. So today I'm going
Speaker 1: to be sharing the principles and steps to how you
Speaker 1: can be alone and what to do when you're spending
Speaker 1: time by yourself. The benefits of that and how powerful
Speaker 1: it is for you as well. I hope you enjoy it,
Speaker 1: and I hope you'll go and grab a copy of
Speaker 1: the audiobook. From eight Rules of Love dot Com, Part one,
Speaker 1: Solitude learning to love yourself in the first ostroom Brahmachariah,
Speaker 1: we prepare for love by learning how to be alone
Speaker 1: and learning from our past relationships how to improve our
Speaker 1: next one. Alone, we learn to love ourselves, to understand ourselves,
Speaker 1: to heal our own pain, and to care for ourselves.
Speaker 1: We experience atmapram self love Rule one, let yourself be alone.
Speaker 1: I wish I could show you, when you are lonely
Speaker 1: or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being hafeez.
Speaker 1: We can all agree that no one wants to be lonely.
Speaker 1: In fact, many people would rather stay in an unhappy
Speaker 1: relationship than be single. If you type the phrase will
Speaker 1: I ever into a search engine, it predicts that the
Speaker 1: next words you will enter are find love. Because will
Speaker 1: I ever find love is the most popular question people
Speaker 1: ask about their futures. This question reveals our insecurity, our fear,
Speaker 1: our anxiety around loneliness, and these very feelings prevent us
Speaker 1: from finding love. Researchers at the University of Toronto found
Speaker 1: through a series of studies that when we're afraid of
Speaker 1: being single, we're more likely to settle for less satisfying relationships. Specifically,
Speaker 1: we're more likely to become dependent on our partners and
Speaker 1: less likely to break up with them even when the
Speaker 1: relationship doesn't meet our needs. Being in a relationship seems
Speaker 1: like the obvious cure for loneliness. Aren't we lonely because
Speaker 1: we're alone? But the fear of loneliness interferes with our
Speaker 1: ability to make good decisions about relationships. My client, Leo,
Speaker 1: had been dating Isilah for nearly a year when her
Speaker 1: job took her from Philadelphia to Austin. You should do
Speaker 1: what's best for you, she told him. I want to
Speaker 1: be clear, I'm not sure where our relationship is going.
Speaker 1: He was unsure at first, but a month after she left,
Speaker 1: he moved to Austin. Most of my friends were in relationships.
Speaker 1: I basically felt single without Islah, and I didn't want
Speaker 1: to be lonely, so I decided to join her. Instead
Speaker 1: of thinking about the pros and cons of moving, what
Speaker 1: were his job prospects, what was he leaving behind in Philadelphia.
Speaker 1: Who did he know in Austin? Did he like it there?
Speaker 1: Would this step benefit his relationship? Leo was primarily focused
Speaker 1: on avoiding loneliness. A month after he moved, Aila ended
Speaker 1: the relationship. Leo moved in order to avoid loneliness, but
Speaker 1: he ended up working remotely from a town where he
Speaker 1: knew nobody and found himself lonelier than ever. Do we
Speaker 1: want to choose or stay in a relationship based on
Speaker 1: insecurity and desperation or based on contentment and joy. Loneliness
Speaker 1: makes us rush into relationships, It keeps us in the
Speaker 1: wrong relationships, and it urges us to accept less than
Speaker 1: we deserve. We must use the time when we are single,
Speaker 1: or take time alone when we're in a couple, to
Speaker 1: understand ourselves, our pleasures, and our values. When we learn
Speaker 1: to love ourselves, we develop compassion, empathy, and patience. Then
Speaker 1: we can use those qualities to love someone else in
Speaker 1: this way, Being alone, not lonely, but comfortable and confident
Speaker 1: in situations where we make our own choices, follow our
Speaker 1: own lead, and reflect on our own experience is the
Speaker 1: first step in preparing ourselves to love others. Fear of loneliness.
Speaker 1: It's no wonder. We dread being alone all our lives.
Speaker 1: We've been primed to fear it. The kid who played
Speaker 1: by themselves in the playground, they were called a loner.
Speaker 1: The one who had a birthday party when the cool
Speaker 1: kids didn't show up, they felt unpopular. Not being able
Speaker 1: to find a plus one for the wedding makes us
Speaker 1: feel like losers. The terrifying prospect of having to sit
Speaker 1: alone during lunch is such a common theme in high
Speaker 1: school movies that Stephen Glassberg, a throwaway cameo in super Bad,
Speaker 1: has made it into the Urban Dictionary as that kid
Speaker 1: who sits alone at lunch every day eating his dessert.
Speaker 1: It was drummed into us that we had to have
Speaker 1: a prom date, to fill our yearbooks with signatures, to
Speaker 1: be surrounded by a squad of friends. Being alone meant
Speaker 1: being lonely. Loneliness has been cast as the enemy of joy, growth,
Speaker 1: and love. We imagine ourselves stranded on an island, lost, confused,
Speaker 1: and helpless, like Tom Hanks in Castaway, with nobody but
Speaker 1: a volleyball named Wilson to talk to. Loneliness is the
Speaker 1: last resort, a place no one wants to visit alone live.
Speaker 1: When I spent three years as a monk, I spent
Speaker 1: more time alone than in the rest of my life
Speaker 1: put together. Though there were many monks at the Ushram,
Speaker 1: much of our time was spent in silence and solitude,
Speaker 1: and we certainly didn't have romantic relationships. The emotional isolation
Speaker 1: allowed me to develop and practice skills that are harder
Speaker 1: to access among the pleasures and pressures of a relationship.
Speaker 1: For instance, the first time I went on a meditation retreat,
Speaker 1: I was appalled when I saw that I wasn't supposed
Speaker 1: to bring my MP three player. Music was my life
Speaker 1: then and I couldn't imagine what I would do during
Speaker 1: breaks if I couldn't listen. But on that retreat, I
Speaker 1: discovered that I loved silence. I found that I didn't
Speaker 1: need anything to entertain myself. I wasn't distracted by conversation, flirtation,
Speaker 1: or expectations. There was no music or device to fiddle
Speaker 1: with to fill my mind, and I was the most
Speaker 1: engaged and present that I'd ever been. If you haven't
Speaker 1: learned the lessons of an Ushram, life will keep pushing
Speaker 1: you back to that phase of life in one way
Speaker 1: or another. Many of the key lessons of Bramachariah are
Speaker 1: learned in solitude. Let's begin by assessing how much time
Speaker 1: you spend alone and how it makes you feel. This
Speaker 1: baseline audit is important whether you're in a relationship or
Speaker 1: not to see if you're using your time in solitude
Speaker 1: to understand yourself and ready yourself for love. Try this
Speaker 1: solo audit. First, spend one week keeping track of all
Speaker 1: the time you spend alone. This means without a companion.
Speaker 1: Don't spend the time with the TV on or scrolling
Speaker 1: mindlessly through your phone. I want you to track active
Speaker 1: solo pastimes such as reading, walking, meditating, exercising, or pursuing
Speaker 1: an interest like cooking, going to museums, collecting, building, or creating. No,
Speaker 1: you can't count the time when you're asleep. For this
Speaker 1: part of the exercise, you don't have to go out
Speaker 1: of your way to be alone. At this point, we
Speaker 1: just want to observe what your habits are next to
Speaker 1: the time you spent alone. Write down what you did
Speaker 1: and whether doing it without a companion bothered you. You
Speaker 1: might enjoy doing dishes alone, or you might find it
Speaker 1: a painful reminder that you cooked for one. You might
Speaker 1: like to walk alone or it might make you feel lonely.
Speaker 1: Think about why you are comfortable or uncomfortable. When do
Speaker 1: you feel comfortable alone. The point of this exercise is
Speaker 1: to help you take stock of how you spend your
Speaker 1: solo time before we develop your practice of being alone.
Speaker 1: Now that you've assessed your baseline solitude, start doing one
Speaker 1: new activity alone every week, and I want you to
Speaker 1: deliberately choose how to spend that time. Pick an activity
Speaker 1: that you've rarely or never done by yourself before. See
Speaker 1: a movie, performance or sports event. Go to a museum,
Speaker 1: make a reservation for dinner for one go to a
Speaker 1: restaurant without touching your phone, Go for a hike, celebrate
Speaker 1: your birthday, enjoy a major holiday, go to a party
Speaker 1: on your own, Engage in a one time volunteer opportunity,
Speaker 1: take a master class. Try this every week for the
Speaker 1: next month. During the activity, pay attention to how you
Speaker 1: react to a new situation. Observe any intrusive thoughts that
Speaker 1: make it hard for you to be alone. Use these
Speaker 1: questions to reflect how long does it take to feel comfortable?
Speaker 1: How different would it be if you were with another person?
Speaker 1: Are you better able to enjoy yourself alone? Do you
Speaker 1: wish there were another person here? Is it hard to
Speaker 1: know what to do with yourself? Would your opinion about
Speaker 1: the activity be influenced by a companion's reaction depending on
Speaker 1: the activity? Are you tempted to distract yourself or engage
Speaker 1: your mind with your phone, the TV, or podcasts? What
Speaker 1: do you love about the experience? What are the pros
Speaker 1: and cons of being yourself? If you can't go to
Speaker 1: dinner on your own without feeling uncomfortable, what would it
Speaker 1: take to make it more comfortable. You might discover that
Speaker 1: you like to bring a book or work assignment with
Speaker 1: you because it makes you feel engaged or productive. Having
Speaker 1: a brief, friendly conversation with the waiter might be all
Speaker 1: you need to start your solo dinner on the right foot.
Speaker 1: If you see a movie on your own and missharing
Speaker 1: the experience with someone, find a new way of expressing
Speaker 1: yourself to yourself, write a blog post, an online review,
Speaker 1: or a journal entry about the movie. The same is
Speaker 1: true if you take a class, did you learn from it?
Speaker 1: What did you like? What would you have changed? Record
Speaker 1: a voice note telling yourself how you felt about the experience.
Speaker 1: It's nice to exchange opinions with someone about a movie, class,
Speaker 1: or lecture. But when you attend by yourself, you practice
Speaker 1: developing your ideas and opinions without the influence of someone
Speaker 1: else's taste. If you're unaccustomed to hiking alone, set a fun,
Speaker 1: low pressure goal for yourself. It might be a physical goal,
Speaker 1: like making your best time on the hike, or it
Speaker 1: might be to find something that captured your attention and
Speaker 1: bring it home with you. You might set out with
Speaker 1: the goal of taking a photo you love that you
Speaker 1: can keep for yourself or post to social media. The
Speaker 1: purpose of the solo order is to get more comfortable
Speaker 1: in your own skin. You're getting to know your preferences
Speaker 1: without leaning on someone else's priorities and goals. You're learning
Speaker 1: how to have a conversation with yourself. Solitude is the
Speaker 1: antidote to loneliness. Paul Tillock said, language has created the
Speaker 1: word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and
Speaker 1: it has created the words solitude to express the glory
Speaker 1: of being alone. The difference between loneliness and solitude is
Speaker 1: the lens through which we see our time alone and
Speaker 1: how we use that time. The lens of loneliness makes
Speaker 1: us insecure and prone to bad decisions. The lens of
Speaker 1: solitude makes us open and curious. As such, solitude is
Speaker 1: the foundation on which we build our love. Solitude is
Speaker 1: not a failure to love, it's the beginning of love.
Speaker 1: During the time we spend without a sidekick, we moved
Speaker 1: through the world differently, more alert to ourselves and the world.
Speaker 1: In one study, researchers gave more than five hundred visitors
Speaker 1: to an art museum a special glove that reported their
Speaker 1: movement patterns along with physiological data such as their heart rates.
Speaker 1: The data showed that when people were not distracted by
Speaker 1: chatting with companions, they actually had a stronger emotional response
Speaker 1: to the art. As the researchers wrote, those who were
Speaker 1: alone were able to enter the exhibition with all of
Speaker 1: their senses open and alert to a greater degree. The
Speaker 1: participants also filled out a survey before and after their visit. Ultimately,
Speaker 1: those who came to the exhibition with a group reported
Speaker 1: their experience as less thought provoking and emotionally stimulating than
Speaker 1: those who went alone. Of course, there's nothing wrong with
Speaker 1: chatting and letting the art slide past, but think of
Speaker 1: the inspiration those museum visitors missed out on. Then apply
Speaker 1: that to life in general. When we surround ourselves with
Speaker 1: other people, we're not just missing out on the finer
Speaker 1: details of an art exhibition, we're missing out on the
Speaker 1: chance to reflect and understand ourselves better. In fact, studies
Speaker 1: show that if we never allow ourselves solitude, it's just
Speaker 1: playing harder for us to learn. In Flow the Psychology
Speaker 1: of Optimal Experience, me Hi Chicks sent me I writes,
Speaker 1: our current research with talented teenagers shows that many failed
Speaker 1: to develop their skills, not because they have cognitive deficits,
Speaker 1: but because they cannot stand being alone. His research found
Speaker 1: that young people were less likely to develop creative skills
Speaker 1: like playing an instrument or writing because the most effective
Speaker 1: practice of these abilities is often done while alone. Like
Speaker 1: those talented teenagers, when we avoid solitude, we struggle to
Speaker 1: develop our skills the path from loneliness to solitude. By itself,
Speaker 1: solitude doesn't give us the skills we need for relationships.
Speaker 1: Can't just decide you're going to use solitude to understand
Speaker 1: yourself and make it so. But if we use it
Speaker 1: to get to know ourselves, there are many ways in
Speaker 1: which it prepares us for love. Remember, in a healthy relationship,
Speaker 1: you manage the intersection of two lives best if you
Speaker 1: know your own personality, values, and goals already. So as
Speaker 1: we make our way out of loneliness and into a
Speaker 1: productive use of solitude, we will explore our personality, values
Speaker 1: and goals. There are three stages on the way from
Speaker 1: loneliness to solitude, presence, discomfort, and confidence presence. The first
Speaker 1: step to making use of your solitude is being present
Speaker 1: with yourself. Even when we're not with other people, we're
Speaker 1: often busy, distracted and distance from our own lives. When
Speaker 1: we pay attention to how we feel and what choices
Speaker 1: we're making, we learn what we prioritize in life our values.
Speaker 1: Those values steer how we make decisions. Being present and
Speaker 1: seeing your values gives you a sense of who you are,
Speaker 1: and you get to decide if that's the person you
Speaker 1: want to be. You spend more time with yourself than
Speaker 1: anyone else in your lifetime. Take the time to appreciate
Speaker 1: your strengths and admit the areas where you need work.
Speaker 1: Then when you enter a relationship with someone else, you'll
Speaker 1: already have a sense of what you're bringing to the
Speaker 1: table and where you could improve. We don't think about
Speaker 1: the importance of bringing self knowledge to a relationship. But
Speaker 1: being self aware means you can temper your weaknesses and
Speaker 1: play to your strengths. Try this, get to know your values.
Speaker 1: Look at the choices you may in different areas of
Speaker 1: your life. Are they tied to your values or are
Speaker 1: they habits you might like to change. I'll give you
Speaker 1: some options to describe your attitude toward each element, but
Speaker 1: if none of them sound like they describe you, write
Speaker 1: down ones that do. The more specifically you know yourself,
Speaker 1: the more you can fine tune what you love about
Speaker 1: yourself and improve the areas where you'd like to change.
Speaker 1: Time choices, social media. I like documenting my life for
Speaker 1: my friends. Social media is not my thing. I like
Speaker 1: to be in the here and now weekends and travel.
Speaker 1: I want to see the world. When I have free time,
Speaker 1: I just want or need to relax. Date night I
Speaker 1: like to stay home and cook. I love a night
Speaker 1: out on the town. TV. I watch something every night.
Speaker 1: I curate my shows carefully and only stick with what
Speaker 1: I love. Punctuality. I'm always on time, I'm often late planning.
Speaker 1: I keep a calendar and stick to my plans. I
Speaker 1: don't like to be locked into commitments, habits, organization. I
Speaker 1: keep everything tidy, builds paid. I wish I were more
Speaker 1: organized than I am. Exercise I like to be active
Speaker 1: or do it for health. I find it hard to motivate. Food.
Speaker 1: I eat healthily or do as best as I can.
Speaker 1: Life is sure. I eat what taste good. Sleep. I
Speaker 1: like to sleep in if possible. I'm an early riser.
Speaker 1: Money discretionary spending. My focus is saving for the future.
Speaker 1: I spend it when I've got it. Vacations I enjoy
Speaker 1: extravagant trips. I travel on a budget. Home clothing, car
Speaker 1: I keep it simple. I like the finer things. Purchases.
Speaker 1: I buy things spontaneously. My purchases are carefully contemplated. Social
Speaker 1: interaction friends. I like spending time with lots of people.
Speaker 1: I prefer one on one time or to be alone.
Speaker 1: If it's the latter, You've come to the right rule. Family.
Speaker 1: I see my family as often as I can. I
Speaker 1: only see my family when I have to conversation. I
Speaker 1: like to discuss all kinds of topics in detail. I'm
Speaker 1: a person a few words. Once you know your values,
Speaker 1: you can make sure your partner respects them. If you
Speaker 1: don't respect each other's values, it's harder to understand each
Speaker 1: other's choices and decisions, which then can lead to confusion
Speaker 1: and conflict. If you don't have the same values, you
Speaker 1: don't have to fight about them or defend them, but
Speaker 1: you need to know your own so you can respect
Speaker 1: yourself and know their's so you can respect them, and
Speaker 1: vice versa. Discomfort. If you're not in the habit of
Speaker 1: spending time by yourself, it may feel awkward and uncomfortable
Speaker 1: at first. It can be hard to be alone with
Speaker 1: your thoughts. You might feel like you're not achieving anything,
Speaker 1: or you don't know what to do with yourself. You
Speaker 1: might feel like there's no obvious benefit to it. To
Speaker 1: get used to the feeling of being alone, we must
Speaker 1: challenge ourselves, first in the small way I described in
Speaker 1: the solo order, but also in larger, more immersive ways.
Speaker 1: Try this. Make use of your time alone. What's something
Speaker 1: new you want to try out? Here are three different
Speaker 1: ways you can spend time alone and use it to
Speaker 1: get to know yourself better. Choose the option that most
Speaker 1: attracts you, because part of this is learning your own preferences,
Speaker 1: or come up with your own one. Commit to a
Speaker 1: new skill, that will take weeks, months or longer to develop.
Speaker 1: Take the singing lessons you've always wanted, learn to roll
Speaker 1: escale or join the quarantine throngs, and finally learn how
Speaker 1: to bake sourdough. What drew you to this skill? What
Speaker 1: made you wait until now to pursue it? How does
Speaker 1: the new skill affect your confidence and self worth? Does
Speaker 1: it fit with your imag of who you are and
Speaker 1: who you want to be. It's okay to work with
Speaker 1: an instructor, such as a music teacher, if you take
Speaker 1: up a new instrument. The point is to create the
Speaker 1: opportunity to reflect in solitude on what the new activity
Speaker 1: teaches you about yourself. Two Travel alone. Learn about yourself
Speaker 1: As you plot out a weekend trip that you'll take
Speaker 1: a loan. You'll learn very quickly how independent you are.
Speaker 1: This is a great activity to do, especially if you're
Speaker 1: scared of being alone. Are you indecisive or decisive? Light
Speaker 1: packer or heavy packer, mellow or active, content or board?
Speaker 1: Neat or messy, organized or spontaneous? Do you have conversations
Speaker 1: in your head or is your internal experience quiet? Are
Speaker 1: you decisive or do you question your choices? Do you
Speaker 1: feel self conscious or confident. What aspects of travel most
Speaker 1: appeal to you. Where would you like to go next? Three?
Speaker 1: Take on a job you've never done before. This is
Speaker 1: hard to manage if you work full time, but if
Speaker 1: you can swing it, try a new form of work.
Speaker 1: Volunteer at a library, sign up to drive for a
Speaker 1: ride share service, wait tables, babysit, teach. To be clear,
Speaker 1: many of these options involve interacting with other people, but
Speaker 1: the point is that you choose it alone, you embark
Speaker 1: on it alone, and you reflect on the experience alone.
Speaker 1: What aspects of yourself are consistent no matter what you do.
Speaker 1: What do you discover about yourself? Is this a job
Speaker 1: that you've been curious about or is it the extra
Speaker 1: money that matters most? Do you like to interact with
Speaker 1: people or to work independently? Do you prefer to be
Speaker 1: given clear instructions or to find your own way? Are
Speaker 1: you more likely to ask permission or forgiveness? Does work
Speaker 1: invigorate or exhaust you? Would you like to expand this
Speaker 1: new opportunity in your life. Knowing more about ourselves and
Speaker 1: what we enjoy helps us feel comfortable in solitude. We'll
Speaker 1: be more willing to spend time pursuing our interests without
Speaker 1: needing the safety net of a companion. The activities you
Speaker 1: choose and what you learn about yourself from those activities
Speaker 1: will expand yourself awareness and help you make the most
Speaker 1: out of the time you spend alone. Confidence. Once we're
Speaker 1: comfortable in solitude, we can work on our confidence. Oxford
Speaker 1: Languages Dictionary defines confidence as a feeling of self assurance
Speaker 1: arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.
Speaker 1: Confidence is important in a relationship because it helps us
Speaker 1: talk to the person we like without seeking their approval
Speaker 1: or hinging our self esteem on their reaction. When we
Speaker 1: aren't looking for them to validate our tastes and choices,
Speaker 1: we can appreciate their kind words without being misled or
Speaker 1: distracted by them. Sometimes a lack of confidence makes us
Speaker 1: think we're not lovable. You are lovable, I promise, but
Speaker 1: having me say it doesn't help you feel it. We
Speaker 1: build confidence by making time for the things that matter
Speaker 1: to us. If there are aspects of ourselves that we
Speaker 1: don't like, we should do something to change them. We
Speaker 1: have a choice. We can either change our mindset or
Speaker 1: change what we don't like. We need to get in
Speaker 1: the habit of assessing ourselves and making efforts to improve
Speaker 1: our own lives. When most people set goals, they do
Speaker 1: so around external achievements. They want to be financially free
Speaker 1: or to buy a home, But the goals will develop
Speaker 1: in this exercise center on growth, not achievement. Knowing our
Speaker 1: goals helps us prepare for love. Then, when they come
Speaker 1: up in conversation with a potential partner, you can explain
Speaker 1: why they're important to you. The other person might be supportive, dismissive,
Speaker 1: or neutral. If they don't take notice, you can flag
Speaker 1: it for them, saying, this is actually an important goal
Speaker 1: of mine, and here's why you'll want a partner who
Speaker 1: respects not only your goals, but why they're your goals.
Speaker 1: In a relationship, remember that until you act on your goals,
Speaker 1: your partner won't know that they are truly important to you.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to start executing to have full buy in.
Speaker 1: But in either case, if we don't know what our
Speaker 1: own goals are, we have no way of knowing how
Speaker 1: well they intersect with another person's. Try this, identify your
Speaker 1: biggest growth area. Let's take a three hundred and sixty
Speaker 1: degree view of your life, looking at these five areas self, financial, mental,
Speaker 1: emotional health, and relationships. Choose the answer that comes closest
Speaker 1: to defining your relationship with these areas of your life.
Speaker 1: When you've completed the questions, look at where you are
Speaker 1: and think about where you want to be. Which is
Speaker 1: the area where you most want to grow? One personality A.
Speaker 1: I don't like myself. B. I like myself when others
Speaker 1: like me. See. I appreciate myself despite my flaws and
Speaker 1: work to improve myself. Are you okay with where you are?
Speaker 1: Or do you want to change? Two? Emotional health? A.
Speaker 1: I often feel anxious and unsettled. B. I put aside
Speaker 1: my emotions to get stuff done. See. I understand my
Speaker 1: emotions and try to work through them. Are you okay
Speaker 1: with where you are or do you want to change? Three?
Speaker 1: Physical health A. I disregard my body or I don't
Speaker 1: like it. B. I actively work on my body because
Speaker 1: it's important to me to look good or better. See.
Speaker 1: I take care of myself and feel grateful to my body.
Speaker 1: Are you okay with where you are or do you
Speaker 1: want to change? Four? Relationships A. I'm insecure about some
Speaker 1: of my relationships. B. I rely on my relationships for joy.
Speaker 1: See I invest in my relationships to help them grow.
Speaker 1: Are you okay with where you are or do you
Speaker 1: want to change? Five? Money A Thinking about money makes
Speaker 1: me feel worried and anxious. Be thinking about money makes
Speaker 1: me feel excited and ambitious. I envy people who have
Speaker 1: more money than I do. See thinking about money makes
Speaker 1: me feel content. If anything, I want more to give more.
Speaker 1: Are you okay with where you are or do you
Speaker 1: want to change? Say the biggest growth area you've identified
Speaker 1: is financial. You overspend and it's always been a problem.
Speaker 1: Taking action in this area is something to focus on
Speaker 1: when you spend time with yourself. I could write an
Speaker 1: entire book on developing and achieving your goals, but a
Speaker 1: good way to start is to develop a growth plan
Speaker 1: using the three c's of transformation one coaching. We live
Speaker 1: in a world where experts and information are easily accessible online.
Speaker 1: Start by looking for widely available resources to help you
Speaker 1: with this issue. Find a book, podcast, course, friend professional
Speaker 1: ted talk, masterclass or online video to help you. You'll
Speaker 1: find that most of these resources will help you break
Speaker 1: your goal into achievable, smaller steps, bringing a challenge that
Speaker 1: once seemed insurmountable into focus to consistency. Use the information
Speaker 1: you've gathered to make a plan for how to address
Speaker 1: the issue in an ongoing way. Set a goal for
Speaker 1: the year's end. This goal should be tied to action items,
Speaker 1: not an achievement. That is, your goal shouldn't be make
Speaker 1: a million dollars. It should be committing to ongoing efforts
Speaker 1: that will help you grow in this area. Three. Community
Speaker 1: Look for a community that might help support your efforts.
Speaker 1: There are online and local support groups for everything under
Speaker 1: the sun. Find one where there is a mix of
Speaker 1: people who are in the same position you're in, people
Speaker 1: are in the process of making changes, and people who
Speaker 1: have some measure of success in transforming their lives in
Speaker 1: the way that you wish to decide whether you prefer
Speaker 1: a community that is motivational, informational, or a mix of
Speaker 1: the two. Who knows you might meet your future partner there.
Speaker 1: Research shows that not only does high self esteem create
Speaker 1: a more satisfying work life and better physical and psychological health,
Speaker 1: but it also predicts better and more satisfying romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: You may be wondering, couldn't it be the other way around?
Speaker 1: Wouldn't having a great relationship boost my self esteem? It's plausible,
Speaker 1: but the research says otherwise. In fact, when people with
Speaker 1: high self esteem had a relationship that went on the rocks,
Speaker 1: their self esteem was unaffected. They did not view the
Speaker 1: level of happiness in their relationship as a direct reflection
Speaker 1: of their self worth. The rewards of solitude. Once you're
Speaker 1: spending productive time in solitude, you begin to know your
Speaker 1: own personality, values, and goals. During this process, you develop
Speaker 1: qualities that prepare you for love at every stage of
Speaker 1: a relationship. In several ways, one mind, we develop the
Speaker 1: ability to see and know ourselves without the influence of
Speaker 1: another mind. FRIEDA. Carlos said, I paint self portraits because
Speaker 1: I am so often alone. What is a self portrait
Speaker 1: but a study of oneself? An attempt to visually portray
Speaker 1: self awareness. Solitude allows us to understand our own complexity.
Speaker 1: We become students of ourselves. In her first apartment, my
Speaker 1: friend Marie and her roommate had an occasional problem with
Speaker 1: huge flying water bugs. I absolutely it could not handle it,
Speaker 1: Marie confesses. Luckily, my roommate, Yvonne, was a champion water
Speaker 1: bug slayer. If I came home to one, I just
Speaker 1: went out to get a drink. And wait for Yvonne.
Speaker 1: But then Yvonne went away for the weekend, and on Friday,
Speaker 1: the first day of her solo weekend, Mari came home
Speaker 1: to find a water bug in her room on her pillow.
Speaker 1: I called Yvonne in a panic. She told me to
Speaker 1: whack it, but I just couldn't. So I sat there
Speaker 1: and stared at the water bug for a long time.
Speaker 1: I thought about how unfair it was that I should
Speaker 1: hate it so much when I love butterflies. And then
Speaker 1: I opened the window and used a broom to gently
Speaker 1: usher it out into the world. This was a small
Speaker 1: moment with a small creature, but Mari learned something about
Speaker 1: herself that she never would have if she can tinue
Speaker 1: to let Yvonne handle the problem for her. When we
Speaker 1: are alone, we fully rely on ourselves, figure out what
Speaker 1: we care about, and learn who we are. We learn
Speaker 1: to navigate challenges on our own. We can, of course
Speaker 1: welcome help if it comes along, but we don't expect
Speaker 1: or depend on it. As those of you who read
Speaker 1: my first book, Think like a Monk may remember, One
Speaker 1: of the texts I refer to most frequently is the
Speaker 1: bugwad Geeta, part of the Mahabaret, which was written nearly
Speaker 1: three thousand years ago. The bugwad Gheta is a dialogue
Speaker 1: between a warrior origin and the god Krishna on the
Speaker 1: eve of a battle. This may not sound like it
Speaker 1: as much to offer modern humanity, but the bugwad Gheeta
Speaker 1: is the closest thing the vaders have to a self
Speaker 1: help book. In it, Krishna says, the senses are so
Speaker 1: strong and impetuous or our journ, that they forcibly carry
Speaker 1: away the mind, even of a man of discrimination who
Speaker 1: is endeavoring to control them. In other words, if we're
Speaker 1: not careful, we can be attracted to something superficial or inauthentic.
Speaker 1: We have to train ourselves not to instantly like and
Speaker 1: trust the most attractive person in the room without remembering
Speaker 1: that we don't know this person or understand them. Solitude
Speaker 1: helps us master the senses the mind, because in solitude
Speaker 1: we're only dealing with one mind, one set of thoughts.
Speaker 1: These days, our senses are constantly overstimulated, not just by people,
Speaker 1: but by all the unfiltered information that bombards us. Everything
Speaker 1: competes for our attention, and amid the noise, we have
Speaker 1: no chance to identify what's important. They say love is
Speaker 1: blind because when we are overwhelmed by sensory stimulation, we
Speaker 1: can't see clearly. The senses attract us to the newest, nicest,
Speaker 1: shiniest thing without giving us a chance to reflect before
Speaker 1: we make decisions. Our senses don't make the best decisions.
Speaker 1: The bugwad Gita says, as a strong wind sweeps away
Speaker 1: a boat on the water, even one of the roaming
Speaker 1: senses on which the mind focuses can carry away a
Speaker 1: man's intelligence. There's nothing wrong with attraction, but we're easily
Speaker 1: carried away by what looks appealing, feels good, or sounds right.
Speaker 1: In solitude, we learn to create space between sensory stimulation
Speaker 1: and decision making. If we're constantly looking for love or
Speaker 1: constantly focused on our partner, will be destroyed, acted from
Speaker 1: the vital work of understanding ourselves. If we don't understand ourselves,
Speaker 1: we risk taking on the tastes and values of our partner.
Speaker 1: Their vision becomes our vision. We might choose to sign
Speaker 1: on to someone's vision because we admire it. Someone might
Speaker 1: be a skilled cook whose tutelage we gratefully accept, but
Speaker 1: we don't want to mold ourselves to someone else simply
Speaker 1: because we don't know ourselves. I've had too many clients
Speaker 1: who don't realize until twenty years into a relationship that
Speaker 1: they've lost touch with themselves because they've outsourced who they are.
Speaker 1: We can integrate our partner's tastes with confidence and autonomy
Speaker 1: if we bring our own to the table. Through choices
Speaker 1: we make in solitude, we set our own standard for
Speaker 1: how we want to live and love and be loved.
Speaker 1: With the space to write. Are now narrative from our
Speaker 1: own point of view. We gradually overcome the influence of movies, books,
Speaker 1: our parents or caregivers model, or a partner's wishes. We
Speaker 1: clarify our vision of love. Solitude helps you recognize that
Speaker 1: there is a you before, are you during, and a
Speaker 1: you after every relationship, forging your own way even when
Speaker 1: you have company and love. Then, when our narrative intersects
Speaker 1: someone else's, we don't make choices based on infatuation, or
Speaker 1: follow someone else's vision of love, or passively let things
Speaker 1: play out without knowing what we want. Instead, we gradually
Speaker 1: express the standard we've developed to see how it fits
Speaker 1: with theirs, and when we're in solitude again, we reflect
Speaker 1: and evolve. Self control and patience two of the key
Speaker 1: skills we learn in solitude our self control and patience.
Speaker 1: They're connected because the more we improve our self control,
Speaker 1: the more patient we can be. Without these two skills,
Speaker 1: we become prone to following our senses and whatever attracts us.
Speaker 1: Self control is the time and space you create between
Speaker 1: the moment when you're attracted to something and the moment
Speaker 1: you react to it. Buddhist teacher Riggin Shicpo writes, desire
Speaker 1: is something we project outward onto another person or object.
Speaker 1: We think it exists externally within the object of our desire.
Speaker 1: The desire actually lies in our own body and mind,
Speaker 1: which is why we relate to it through the feelings
Speaker 1: it produces. When we can separate our own feeling of
Speaker 1: desire from the person we desire, we begin to feel
Speaker 1: less controlled by it, and we can take a step
Speaker 1: back and evaluate it from a more detached and less
Speaker 1: urgent place. Instead of letting your senses lead the way.
Speaker 1: The gap that you create gives you the restraint to
Speaker 1: make sure the reaction is aligned with who you want
Speaker 1: to be. That ability to restrain yourself to create the
Speaker 1: space is enhanced by self knowledge. Solitude gives us time
Speaker 1: and space between attraction and reaction. We ask ourselves, is
Speaker 1: this truly healthy for me? Well? This nourish me? Is
Speaker 1: this good for me? In the long term? We develop
Speaker 1: the self control to pause and ask ourselves these questions,
Speaker 1: and the patience to take our time answering them. We
Speaker 1: learn the difference between what feels good and what feels nourishing. Often,
Speaker 1: if something is healthy for us, it seems hard before
Speaker 1: but great after. The clearest example of this is exercise,
Speaker 1: but it extends into more complex decisions, like giving up
Speaker 1: a Saturday to help a friend move or breaking off
Speaker 1: a relationship that you know isn't working, and that which
Speaker 1: is unhealthy for us seems great before but doesn't pan
Speaker 1: out well. Think about how great the idea of eating
Speaker 1: a big piece of chocolate cake seems before you do it,
Speaker 1: but ultimately it's not good for you. The same is
Speaker 1: true for more consequential decisions, like bringing a date to
Speaker 1: a wedding because you don't want to be alone, even
Speaker 1: though you know it will give them the wrong idea
Speaker 1: a whole self. We've been trained to look for our
Speaker 1: better half or someone to complete us. Does that make
Speaker 1: us the worse off. Does it mean we're incomplete out
Speaker 1: a partner? Even if those phrases are said lightheartedly, they
Speaker 1: set us up for dependency on someone else that can
Speaker 1: never truly be fulfilled. We look to our partner essentially
Speaker 1: saying I'm bored. Entertain me, I'm tired, Energize me, I'm angry,
Speaker 1: make me laugh, I'm frustrated, Comfort me, I'm unhappy, Cheer
Speaker 1: me up. We treat our partners like human advil, looking
Speaker 1: to them for instant relief. We're not entirely wrong to
Speaker 1: expect this. Partners actually do corregulate each other. Changes in
Speaker 1: your body prompt changes in their body, and vice versa.
Speaker 1: Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett rights, when you're with someone you
Speaker 1: care about, your breathing can synchronize, as can the beating
Speaker 1: of your hearts. This connection starts when you're a baby.
Speaker 1: Your body learns to synchronize its own rhythms by first
Speaker 1: synchronizing to your caregiver's rhythms, and it continues into adulthood. But,
Speaker 1: as Barrett points out, the best thing for your nervous
Speaker 1: system is another human, the worst thing for your nervous
Speaker 1: system is another human syncing with other people can log
Speaker 1: us into their bad vibes as well as they're good ones.
Speaker 1: This is why we need to self regulate, comforting ourselves,
Speaker 1: calming ourselves down, or pepping ourselves up. If we're always
Speaker 1: turning toward others to help us tune how we feel,
Speaker 1: we'll stay more like that infant who is incapable of
Speaker 1: self soothing and self supporting. When you're sad, if you're lucky,
Speaker 1: your partner will know how to make you feel better.
Speaker 1: People can and will help us, and that feels good,
Speaker 1: but it may not be what we need. If some
Speaker 1: one reassures us that everything will be okay, it's nice
Speaker 1: to hear and nice to have their love and support,
Speaker 1: but what we might really need is alone time to
Speaker 1: figure out how we can improve our situation. In solitude,
Speaker 1: we practice giving ourselves what we need before we expect
Speaker 1: it from someone else. Are you kind to yourself? Are
Speaker 1: you honest with yourself? Are you emotionally available to yourself?
Speaker 1: Are you supportive of your own efforts? You don't have
Speaker 1: to answer these questions right now. The more time you
Speaker 1: spend in solitude, the better you'll know how to answer them.
Speaker 1: People determine how to treat us in large part by
Speaker 1: observing how we treat ourselves. The way you speak about
Speaker 1: yourself affects how people will speak with you. The way
Speaker 1: you allow yourself to be spoken to reinforces what people
Speaker 1: think you deserve. A Relationship with someone else won't cure
Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself. Therapy and friendships and a partner
Speaker 1: might help us understand and address the sources of our sadness,
Speaker 1: but many people still feel like their partner doesn't understand them.
Speaker 1: Our culture often encourages us to put the responsibility to
Speaker 1: unpack our feelings on someone else. We expect them to
Speaker 1: understand our emotions even if we don't. Other people can
Speaker 1: help you, but if you're not trying to understand yourself,
Speaker 1: nobody else can do it for you. We've all had
Speaker 1: the friend who says you're right, You're right, you're right,
Speaker 1: but you can tell they're not going to take your advice.
Speaker 1: They need to do the work themselves. Hoping a partner
Speaker 1: will solve your problems is like trying to get someone
Speaker 1: to write your term paper for you. You need to
Speaker 1: take the class, learn the material, and write the paper yourself,
Speaker 1: or you won't have learned anything. You might think great
Speaker 1: Where is this class that will teach me how to
Speaker 1: lead a meaningful life? Sign me up, but you're already
Speaker 1: taking the class. This is what solitude is for. When
Speaker 1: you come to a relationship as a whole person, without
Speaker 1: looking for someone to complete you or to be your
Speaker 1: better half, you can truly connect and love. You know
Speaker 1: how you like to spend your time, what's important to you,
Speaker 1: and how you'd like to grow. You have the self
Speaker 1: control to wait for someone you can be happy with,
Speaker 1: and the patience to appreciate someone you're already with. You
Speaker 1: realize that you can bring value to someone else's life.
Speaker 1: With this foundation, you're ready to give love without neediness
Speaker 1: or fear. Of course, relationships do heal us through connection,
Speaker 1: but you are giving yourself a head start by making
Speaker 1: the most of the time you spend in solitude. You
Speaker 1: want to go on a journey with someone, not to
Speaker 1: make them your journey. This stage of life is designed
Speaker 1: to help us learn how to love ourselves. But if
Speaker 1: you don't learn the lessons of the first Ushram of love,
Speaker 1: then you won't know how lovable you are and what
Speaker 1: you have to offer. This is an everyday practice of
Speaker 1: preparing ourselves to be in a relationship while staying true
Speaker 1: to who we are. It is one of the hardest
Speaker 1: rules in this book and the most important. Any step
Speaker 1: toward knowing yourself in solitude will help you love others, because,
Speaker 1: in addition to knowing what you bring to the table,
Speaker 1: the very process of learning to understand and love yourself
Speaker 1: helps you understand the effort required to love someone else.
Speaker 1: The work it took to understand ourselves teaches us that
Speaker 1: even when we're with someone we care about, it will
Speaker 1: still be hard to understand them. Perhaps the most important
Speaker 1: lesson solitude offers is helping us understand our own imperfection.
Speaker 1: This prepares us to love someone else in all their
Speaker 1: beauty and imperfection. Thank you so much for listening to
Speaker 1: chapter one of my new book, Eight Rules of Love.
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed it, go and get the rest of
Speaker 1: the audiobook from eight Rules of Love dot com. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for all your support and positive energy
Speaker 1: for those you've already have been reading and listening. I
Speaker 1: appreciate you, and I hope you're going to pass this
Speaker 1: on to a friend as well. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: did