1 00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:03,680 Speaker 1: Being present and seeing your values gives you a sense 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,680 Speaker 1: of who you are, and you get to decide if 3 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,440 Speaker 1: that's the person you want to be. You spend more 4 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,160 Speaker 1: time with yourself than anyone else in your lifetime. Take 5 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:16,800 Speaker 1: the time to appreciate your strengths and admit the areas 6 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: where you need work. Then when you enter a relationship 7 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,880 Speaker 1: with someone else, you'll already have a sense of what 8 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:33,920 Speaker 1: you're bringing to the table and where you could improve. Hey, everyone, 9 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,000 Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast 10 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,159 Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every one of 11 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,840 Speaker 1: you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. 12 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:46,120 Speaker 1: I hope you're doing awesome. I hope your year is 13 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 1: going really, really well so far, and I hope that 14 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 1: you're finding time to connect with yourself. I hope you're 15 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,000 Speaker 1: enjoying my new book if you started reading it or 16 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: listening to it, even if you haven't, I have a 17 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: little gift for you today. I managed to get the 18 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: first chapter of the audiobook totally free for you today 19 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,720 Speaker 1: on the episode, So you're going to get to hear 20 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 1: the first chapter of the audiobook absolutely free, and of 21 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: course if you enjoy it. If you love it, head 22 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,680 Speaker 1: over to eight Rules of Love dot com and you 23 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,240 Speaker 1: can buy the audiobook right now and listen to the 24 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: rest of the book. Of course, you can get it 25 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 1: from Audible, from Amazon wherever you listen to audiobooks, especially 26 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,480 Speaker 1: because you're a listener of on purpose, I wanted to 27 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,520 Speaker 1: do this as a gift for you. I hope you 28 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,679 Speaker 1: enjoy it, and I hope you'll listen and learn from 29 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,959 Speaker 1: the rest of the book. And I'd love to invite 30 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:38,560 Speaker 1: you to come and see me for my global tour 31 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,600 Speaker 1: Love Rules. Go to Jay shedytour dot com to learn 32 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 1: more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't 33 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,880 Speaker 1: wait to see you this year. In this episode, I'll 34 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 1: be talking about how to spend more time alone, how 35 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:56,640 Speaker 1: to actually be happy alone, how to be alone and 36 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: enjoy our own company. What are the activities and things 37 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,400 Speaker 1: you can do when you're on your own. I think 38 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: so many of us wonder, like Jay, well, if I'm 39 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,760 Speaker 1: on my own, what am I going to do? And 40 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,880 Speaker 1: I feel uncomfortable with that idea. So today I'm going 41 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,320 Speaker 1: to be sharing the principles and steps to how you 42 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,040 Speaker 1: can be alone and what to do when you're spending 43 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 1: time by yourself. The benefits of that and how powerful 44 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,639 Speaker 1: it is for you as well. I hope you enjoy it, 45 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 1: and I hope you'll go and grab a copy of 46 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:28,880 Speaker 1: the audiobook. From eight Rules of Love dot Com, Part one, 47 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 1: Solitude learning to love yourself in the first ostroom Brahmachariah, 48 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,359 Speaker 1: we prepare for love by learning how to be alone 49 00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 1: and learning from our past relationships how to improve our 50 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 1: next one. Alone, we learn to love ourselves, to understand ourselves, 51 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,480 Speaker 1: to heal our own pain, and to care for ourselves. 52 00:02:53,080 --> 00:03:01,040 Speaker 1: We experience atmapram self love Rule one, let yourself be alone. 53 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,760 Speaker 1: I wish I could show you, when you are lonely 54 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 1: or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being hafeez. 55 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,400 Speaker 1: We can all agree that no one wants to be lonely. 56 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: In fact, many people would rather stay in an unhappy 57 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: relationship than be single. If you type the phrase will 58 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,400 Speaker 1: I ever into a search engine, it predicts that the 59 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:34,480 Speaker 1: next words you will enter are find love. Because will 60 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:38,920 Speaker 1: I ever find love is the most popular question people 61 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 1: ask about their futures. This question reveals our insecurity, our fear, 62 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:50,520 Speaker 1: our anxiety around loneliness, and these very feelings prevent us 63 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:55,720 Speaker 1: from finding love. Researchers at the University of Toronto found 64 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,640 Speaker 1: through a series of studies that when we're afraid of 65 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 1: being single, we're more likely to settle for less satisfying relationships. Specifically, 66 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,120 Speaker 1: we're more likely to become dependent on our partners and 67 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 1: less likely to break up with them even when the 68 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:17,359 Speaker 1: relationship doesn't meet our needs. Being in a relationship seems 69 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:21,599 Speaker 1: like the obvious cure for loneliness. Aren't we lonely because 70 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:26,200 Speaker 1: we're alone? But the fear of loneliness interferes with our 71 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:31,840 Speaker 1: ability to make good decisions about relationships. My client, Leo, 72 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,160 Speaker 1: had been dating Isilah for nearly a year when her 73 00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:39,880 Speaker 1: job took her from Philadelphia to Austin. You should do 74 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,400 Speaker 1: what's best for you, she told him. I want to 75 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 1: be clear, I'm not sure where our relationship is going. 76 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: He was unsure at first, but a month after she left, 77 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: he moved to Austin. Most of my friends were in relationships. 78 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: I basically felt single without Islah, and I didn't want 79 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 1: to be lonely, so I decided to join her. Instead 80 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,640 Speaker 1: of thinking about the pros and cons of moving, what 81 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: were his job prospects, what was he leaving behind in Philadelphia. 82 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 1: Who did he know in Austin? Did he like it there? 83 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:21,840 Speaker 1: Would this step benefit his relationship? Leo was primarily focused 84 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:28,000 Speaker 1: on avoiding loneliness. A month after he moved, Aila ended 85 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:33,240 Speaker 1: the relationship. Leo moved in order to avoid loneliness, but 86 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 1: he ended up working remotely from a town where he 87 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 1: knew nobody and found himself lonelier than ever. Do we 88 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 1: want to choose or stay in a relationship based on 89 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:51,240 Speaker 1: insecurity and desperation or based on contentment and joy. Loneliness 90 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:55,039 Speaker 1: makes us rush into relationships, It keeps us in the 91 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:59,400 Speaker 1: wrong relationships, and it urges us to accept less than 92 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:03,679 Speaker 1: we deserve. We must use the time when we are single, 93 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,599 Speaker 1: or take time alone when we're in a couple, to 94 00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:11,800 Speaker 1: understand ourselves, our pleasures, and our values. When we learn 95 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 1: to love ourselves, we develop compassion, empathy, and patience. Then 96 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:22,200 Speaker 1: we can use those qualities to love someone else in 97 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:27,039 Speaker 1: this way, Being alone, not lonely, but comfortable and confident 98 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,720 Speaker 1: in situations where we make our own choices, follow our 99 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: own lead, and reflect on our own experience is the 100 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: first step in preparing ourselves to love others. Fear of loneliness. 101 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,799 Speaker 1: It's no wonder. We dread being alone all our lives. 102 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:49,359 Speaker 1: We've been primed to fear it. The kid who played 103 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,640 Speaker 1: by themselves in the playground, they were called a loner. 104 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,640 Speaker 1: The one who had a birthday party when the cool 105 00:06:55,720 --> 00:07:00,200 Speaker 1: kids didn't show up, they felt unpopular. Not being able 106 00:07:00,279 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: to find a plus one for the wedding makes us 107 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:07,080 Speaker 1: feel like losers. The terrifying prospect of having to sit 108 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 1: alone during lunch is such a common theme in high 109 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:15,280 Speaker 1: school movies that Stephen Glassberg, a throwaway cameo in super Bad, 110 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:19,320 Speaker 1: has made it into the Urban Dictionary as that kid 111 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:23,000 Speaker 1: who sits alone at lunch every day eating his dessert. 112 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 1: It was drummed into us that we had to have 113 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,640 Speaker 1: a prom date, to fill our yearbooks with signatures, to 114 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: be surrounded by a squad of friends. Being alone meant 115 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 1: being lonely. Loneliness has been cast as the enemy of joy, growth, 116 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:46,920 Speaker 1: and love. We imagine ourselves stranded on an island, lost, confused, 117 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 1: and helpless, like Tom Hanks in Castaway, with nobody but 118 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 1: a volleyball named Wilson to talk to. Loneliness is the 119 00:07:55,920 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: last resort, a place no one wants to visit alone live. 120 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,760 Speaker 1: When I spent three years as a monk, I spent 121 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 1: more time alone than in the rest of my life 122 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:12,080 Speaker 1: put together. Though there were many monks at the Ushram, 123 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,400 Speaker 1: much of our time was spent in silence and solitude, 124 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:21,120 Speaker 1: and we certainly didn't have romantic relationships. The emotional isolation 125 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:24,560 Speaker 1: allowed me to develop and practice skills that are harder 126 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 1: to access among the pleasures and pressures of a relationship. 127 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 1: For instance, the first time I went on a meditation retreat, 128 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,439 Speaker 1: I was appalled when I saw that I wasn't supposed 129 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: to bring my MP three player. Music was my life 130 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 1: then and I couldn't imagine what I would do during 131 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:47,120 Speaker 1: breaks if I couldn't listen. But on that retreat, I 132 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:51,520 Speaker 1: discovered that I loved silence. I found that I didn't 133 00:08:51,559 --> 00:08:57,199 Speaker 1: need anything to entertain myself. I wasn't distracted by conversation, flirtation, 134 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 1: or expectations. There was no music or device to fiddle 135 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,839 Speaker 1: with to fill my mind, and I was the most 136 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:09,199 Speaker 1: engaged and present that I'd ever been. If you haven't 137 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,720 Speaker 1: learned the lessons of an Ushram, life will keep pushing 138 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,640 Speaker 1: you back to that phase of life in one way 139 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 1: or another. Many of the key lessons of Bramachariah are 140 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 1: learned in solitude. Let's begin by assessing how much time 141 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,160 Speaker 1: you spend alone and how it makes you feel. This 142 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:32,800 Speaker 1: baseline audit is important whether you're in a relationship or 143 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 1: not to see if you're using your time in solitude 144 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:42,320 Speaker 1: to understand yourself and ready yourself for love. Try this 145 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:49,440 Speaker 1: solo audit. First, spend one week keeping track of all 146 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:53,760 Speaker 1: the time you spend alone. This means without a companion. 147 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,839 Speaker 1: Don't spend the time with the TV on or scrolling 148 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 1: mindlessly through your phone. I want you to track active 149 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 1: solo pastimes such as reading, walking, meditating, exercising, or pursuing 150 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 1: an interest like cooking, going to museums, collecting, building, or creating. No, 151 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,040 Speaker 1: you can't count the time when you're asleep. For this 152 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,720 Speaker 1: part of the exercise, you don't have to go out 153 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 1: of your way to be alone. At this point, we 154 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:30,160 Speaker 1: just want to observe what your habits are next to 155 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,520 Speaker 1: the time you spent alone. Write down what you did 156 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: and whether doing it without a companion bothered you. You 157 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,400 Speaker 1: might enjoy doing dishes alone, or you might find it 158 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 1: a painful reminder that you cooked for one. You might 159 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,000 Speaker 1: like to walk alone or it might make you feel lonely. 160 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: Think about why you are comfortable or uncomfortable. When do 161 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:57,959 Speaker 1: you feel comfortable alone. The point of this exercise is 162 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: to help you take stock of how you spend your 163 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:05,199 Speaker 1: solo time before we develop your practice of being alone. 164 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:11,200 Speaker 1: Now that you've assessed your baseline solitude, start doing one 165 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 1: new activity alone every week, and I want you to 166 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 1: deliberately choose how to spend that time. Pick an activity 167 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:25,280 Speaker 1: that you've rarely or never done by yourself before. See 168 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 1: a movie, performance or sports event. Go to a museum, 169 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:34,560 Speaker 1: make a reservation for dinner for one go to a 170 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:39,520 Speaker 1: restaurant without touching your phone, Go for a hike, celebrate 171 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:44,400 Speaker 1: your birthday, enjoy a major holiday, go to a party 172 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:49,760 Speaker 1: on your own, Engage in a one time volunteer opportunity, 173 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:54,080 Speaker 1: take a master class. Try this every week for the 174 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:58,760 Speaker 1: next month. During the activity, pay attention to how you 175 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:04,640 Speaker 1: react to a new situation. Observe any intrusive thoughts that 176 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 1: make it hard for you to be alone. Use these 177 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,960 Speaker 1: questions to reflect how long does it take to feel comfortable? 178 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,800 Speaker 1: How different would it be if you were with another person? 179 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:23,960 Speaker 1: Are you better able to enjoy yourself alone? Do you 180 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:28,440 Speaker 1: wish there were another person here? Is it hard to 181 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:32,440 Speaker 1: know what to do with yourself? Would your opinion about 182 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 1: the activity be influenced by a companion's reaction depending on 183 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:42,040 Speaker 1: the activity? Are you tempted to distract yourself or engage 184 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 1: your mind with your phone, the TV, or podcasts? What 185 00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:50,439 Speaker 1: do you love about the experience? What are the pros 186 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 1: and cons of being yourself? If you can't go to 187 00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:58,680 Speaker 1: dinner on your own without feeling uncomfortable, what would it 188 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,839 Speaker 1: take to make it more comfortable. You might discover that 189 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,360 Speaker 1: you like to bring a book or work assignment with 190 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:10,000 Speaker 1: you because it makes you feel engaged or productive. Having 191 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:13,720 Speaker 1: a brief, friendly conversation with the waiter might be all 192 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,719 Speaker 1: you need to start your solo dinner on the right foot. 193 00:13:18,559 --> 00:13:21,160 Speaker 1: If you see a movie on your own and missharing 194 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 1: the experience with someone, find a new way of expressing 195 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:29,480 Speaker 1: yourself to yourself, write a blog post, an online review, 196 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,400 Speaker 1: or a journal entry about the movie. The same is 197 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,480 Speaker 1: true if you take a class, did you learn from it? 198 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:40,520 Speaker 1: What did you like? What would you have changed? Record 199 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,560 Speaker 1: a voice note telling yourself how you felt about the experience. 200 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:48,960 Speaker 1: It's nice to exchange opinions with someone about a movie, class, 201 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:53,080 Speaker 1: or lecture. But when you attend by yourself, you practice 202 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:58,319 Speaker 1: developing your ideas and opinions without the influence of someone 203 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:04,320 Speaker 1: else's taste. If you're unaccustomed to hiking alone, set a fun, 204 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:08,480 Speaker 1: low pressure goal for yourself. It might be a physical goal, 205 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,840 Speaker 1: like making your best time on the hike, or it 206 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,679 Speaker 1: might be to find something that captured your attention and 207 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,920 Speaker 1: bring it home with you. You might set out with 208 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,680 Speaker 1: the goal of taking a photo you love that you 209 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:25,800 Speaker 1: can keep for yourself or post to social media. The 210 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:29,239 Speaker 1: purpose of the solo order is to get more comfortable 211 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:33,160 Speaker 1: in your own skin. You're getting to know your preferences 212 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:38,480 Speaker 1: without leaning on someone else's priorities and goals. You're learning 213 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:44,240 Speaker 1: how to have a conversation with yourself. Solitude is the 214 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 1: antidote to loneliness. Paul Tillock said, language has created the 215 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 1: word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and 216 00:14:56,120 --> 00:15:00,280 Speaker 1: it has created the words solitude to express the glory 217 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:05,160 Speaker 1: of being alone. The difference between loneliness and solitude is 218 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:08,200 Speaker 1: the lens through which we see our time alone and 219 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:12,160 Speaker 1: how we use that time. The lens of loneliness makes 220 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,760 Speaker 1: us insecure and prone to bad decisions. The lens of 221 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: solitude makes us open and curious. As such, solitude is 222 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:25,960 Speaker 1: the foundation on which we build our love. Solitude is 223 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,480 Speaker 1: not a failure to love, it's the beginning of love. 224 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,160 Speaker 1: During the time we spend without a sidekick, we moved 225 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:38,480 Speaker 1: through the world differently, more alert to ourselves and the world. 226 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:43,560 Speaker 1: In one study, researchers gave more than five hundred visitors 227 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 1: to an art museum a special glove that reported their 228 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:52,520 Speaker 1: movement patterns along with physiological data such as their heart rates. 229 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,560 Speaker 1: The data showed that when people were not distracted by 230 00:15:56,640 --> 00:16:01,239 Speaker 1: chatting with companions, they actually had a stronger emotional response 231 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:05,240 Speaker 1: to the art. As the researchers wrote, those who were 232 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: alone were able to enter the exhibition with all of 233 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:14,440 Speaker 1: their senses open and alert to a greater degree. The 234 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:20,560 Speaker 1: participants also filled out a survey before and after their visit. Ultimately, 235 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 1: those who came to the exhibition with a group reported 236 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:30,000 Speaker 1: their experience as less thought provoking and emotionally stimulating than 237 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:34,160 Speaker 1: those who went alone. Of course, there's nothing wrong with 238 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,880 Speaker 1: chatting and letting the art slide past, but think of 239 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 1: the inspiration those museum visitors missed out on. Then apply 240 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:48,440 Speaker 1: that to life in general. When we surround ourselves with 241 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,640 Speaker 1: other people, we're not just missing out on the finer 242 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:55,360 Speaker 1: details of an art exhibition, we're missing out on the 243 00:16:55,480 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 1: chance to reflect and understand ourselves better. In fact, studies 244 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 1: show that if we never allow ourselves solitude, it's just 245 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:10,200 Speaker 1: playing harder for us to learn. In Flow the Psychology 246 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:14,240 Speaker 1: of Optimal Experience, me Hi Chicks sent me I writes, 247 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:19,520 Speaker 1: our current research with talented teenagers shows that many failed 248 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:23,840 Speaker 1: to develop their skills, not because they have cognitive deficits, 249 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 1: but because they cannot stand being alone. His research found 250 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:33,520 Speaker 1: that young people were less likely to develop creative skills 251 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:37,359 Speaker 1: like playing an instrument or writing because the most effective 252 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:42,359 Speaker 1: practice of these abilities is often done while alone. Like 253 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 1: those talented teenagers, when we avoid solitude, we struggle to 254 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:55,440 Speaker 1: develop our skills the path from loneliness to solitude. By itself, 255 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 1: solitude doesn't give us the skills we need for relationships. 256 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,240 Speaker 1: Can't just decide you're going to use solitude to understand 257 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,680 Speaker 1: yourself and make it so. But if we use it 258 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,880 Speaker 1: to get to know ourselves, there are many ways in 259 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:14,880 Speaker 1: which it prepares us for love. Remember, in a healthy relationship, 260 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:19,240 Speaker 1: you manage the intersection of two lives best if you 261 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:24,600 Speaker 1: know your own personality, values, and goals already. So as 262 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,760 Speaker 1: we make our way out of loneliness and into a 263 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:32,960 Speaker 1: productive use of solitude, we will explore our personality, values 264 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,800 Speaker 1: and goals. There are three stages on the way from 265 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:47,080 Speaker 1: loneliness to solitude, presence, discomfort, and confidence presence. The first 266 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,840 Speaker 1: step to making use of your solitude is being present 267 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:55,120 Speaker 1: with yourself. Even when we're not with other people, we're 268 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:59,880 Speaker 1: often busy, distracted and distance from our own lives. When 269 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 1: we pay attention to how we feel and what choices 270 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:07,800 Speaker 1: we're making, we learn what we prioritize in life our values. 271 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:13,199 Speaker 1: Those values steer how we make decisions. Being present and 272 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,520 Speaker 1: seeing your values gives you a sense of who you are, 273 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,679 Speaker 1: and you get to decide if that's the person you 274 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 1: want to be. You spend more time with yourself than 275 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:27,520 Speaker 1: anyone else in your lifetime. Take the time to appreciate 276 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:31,159 Speaker 1: your strengths and admit the areas where you need work. 277 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,879 Speaker 1: Then when you enter a relationship with someone else, you'll 278 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,879 Speaker 1: already have a sense of what you're bringing to the 279 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:42,680 Speaker 1: table and where you could improve. We don't think about 280 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,639 Speaker 1: the importance of bringing self knowledge to a relationship. But 281 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:50,639 Speaker 1: being self aware means you can temper your weaknesses and 282 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:57,160 Speaker 1: play to your strengths. Try this, get to know your values. 283 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,679 Speaker 1: Look at the choices you may in different areas of 284 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:05,400 Speaker 1: your life. Are they tied to your values or are 285 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 1: they habits you might like to change. I'll give you 286 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:13,040 Speaker 1: some options to describe your attitude toward each element, but 287 00:20:13,119 --> 00:20:15,800 Speaker 1: if none of them sound like they describe you, write 288 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,680 Speaker 1: down ones that do. The more specifically you know yourself, 289 00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:23,080 Speaker 1: the more you can fine tune what you love about 290 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:26,879 Speaker 1: yourself and improve the areas where you'd like to change. 291 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:34,240 Speaker 1: Time choices, social media. I like documenting my life for 292 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:39,359 Speaker 1: my friends. Social media is not my thing. I like 293 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 1: to be in the here and now weekends and travel. 294 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,439 Speaker 1: I want to see the world. When I have free time, 295 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 1: I just want or need to relax. Date night I 296 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: like to stay home and cook. I love a night 297 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:02,360 Speaker 1: out on the town. TV. I watch something every night. 298 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,600 Speaker 1: I curate my shows carefully and only stick with what 299 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:15,000 Speaker 1: I love. Punctuality. I'm always on time, I'm often late planning. 300 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,159 Speaker 1: I keep a calendar and stick to my plans. I 301 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:26,240 Speaker 1: don't like to be locked into commitments, habits, organization. I 302 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,560 Speaker 1: keep everything tidy, builds paid. I wish I were more 303 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:36,000 Speaker 1: organized than I am. Exercise I like to be active 304 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:41,639 Speaker 1: or do it for health. I find it hard to motivate. Food. 305 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,359 Speaker 1: I eat healthily or do as best as I can. 306 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:51,600 Speaker 1: Life is sure. I eat what taste good. Sleep. I 307 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:55,640 Speaker 1: like to sleep in if possible. I'm an early riser. 308 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:03,120 Speaker 1: Money discretionary spending. My focus is saving for the future. 309 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:09,080 Speaker 1: I spend it when I've got it. Vacations I enjoy 310 00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:15,040 Speaker 1: extravagant trips. I travel on a budget. Home clothing, car 311 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:21,480 Speaker 1: I keep it simple. I like the finer things. Purchases. 312 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:29,760 Speaker 1: I buy things spontaneously. My purchases are carefully contemplated. Social 313 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:34,960 Speaker 1: interaction friends. I like spending time with lots of people. 314 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,720 Speaker 1: I prefer one on one time or to be alone. 315 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:43,960 Speaker 1: If it's the latter, You've come to the right rule. Family. 316 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:48,280 Speaker 1: I see my family as often as I can. I 317 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:53,280 Speaker 1: only see my family when I have to conversation. I 318 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:57,160 Speaker 1: like to discuss all kinds of topics in detail. I'm 319 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:02,280 Speaker 1: a person a few words. Once you know your values, 320 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 1: you can make sure your partner respects them. If you 321 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:10,760 Speaker 1: don't respect each other's values, it's harder to understand each 322 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:15,240 Speaker 1: other's choices and decisions, which then can lead to confusion 323 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,399 Speaker 1: and conflict. If you don't have the same values, you 324 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,320 Speaker 1: don't have to fight about them or defend them, but 325 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:25,160 Speaker 1: you need to know your own so you can respect 326 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:29,239 Speaker 1: yourself and know their's so you can respect them, and 327 00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:36,040 Speaker 1: vice versa. Discomfort. If you're not in the habit of 328 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:40,360 Speaker 1: spending time by yourself, it may feel awkward and uncomfortable 329 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,439 Speaker 1: at first. It can be hard to be alone with 330 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:47,160 Speaker 1: your thoughts. You might feel like you're not achieving anything, 331 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,439 Speaker 1: or you don't know what to do with yourself. You 332 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:54,040 Speaker 1: might feel like there's no obvious benefit to it. To 333 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,840 Speaker 1: get used to the feeling of being alone, we must 334 00:23:56,920 --> 00:24:01,040 Speaker 1: challenge ourselves, first in the small way I described in 335 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:05,919 Speaker 1: the solo order, but also in larger, more immersive ways. 336 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:13,719 Speaker 1: Try this. Make use of your time alone. What's something 337 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:17,360 Speaker 1: new you want to try out? Here are three different 338 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:20,280 Speaker 1: ways you can spend time alone and use it to 339 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:24,120 Speaker 1: get to know yourself better. Choose the option that most 340 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:28,400 Speaker 1: attracts you, because part of this is learning your own preferences, 341 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:33,280 Speaker 1: or come up with your own one. Commit to a 342 00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:37,200 Speaker 1: new skill, that will take weeks, months or longer to develop. 343 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: Take the singing lessons you've always wanted, learn to roll 344 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:45,560 Speaker 1: escale or join the quarantine throngs, and finally learn how 345 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:50,359 Speaker 1: to bake sourdough. What drew you to this skill? What 346 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:54,240 Speaker 1: made you wait until now to pursue it? How does 347 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:58,880 Speaker 1: the new skill affect your confidence and self worth? Does 348 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,680 Speaker 1: it fit with your imag of who you are and 349 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:05,000 Speaker 1: who you want to be. It's okay to work with 350 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:08,200 Speaker 1: an instructor, such as a music teacher, if you take 351 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,119 Speaker 1: up a new instrument. The point is to create the 352 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:15,440 Speaker 1: opportunity to reflect in solitude on what the new activity 353 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:22,720 Speaker 1: teaches you about yourself. Two Travel alone. Learn about yourself 354 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,720 Speaker 1: As you plot out a weekend trip that you'll take 355 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:29,680 Speaker 1: a loan. You'll learn very quickly how independent you are. 356 00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:33,720 Speaker 1: This is a great activity to do, especially if you're 357 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:40,920 Speaker 1: scared of being alone. Are you indecisive or decisive? Light 358 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:49,560 Speaker 1: packer or heavy packer, mellow or active, content or board? 359 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:59,240 Speaker 1: Neat or messy, organized or spontaneous? Do you have conversations 360 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:04,160 Speaker 1: in your head or is your internal experience quiet? Are 361 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:09,000 Speaker 1: you decisive or do you question your choices? Do you 362 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:14,520 Speaker 1: feel self conscious or confident. What aspects of travel most 363 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:20,400 Speaker 1: appeal to you. Where would you like to go next? Three? 364 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,760 Speaker 1: Take on a job you've never done before. This is 365 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,440 Speaker 1: hard to manage if you work full time, but if 366 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:30,000 Speaker 1: you can swing it, try a new form of work. 367 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 1: Volunteer at a library, sign up to drive for a 368 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:38,879 Speaker 1: ride share service, wait tables, babysit, teach. To be clear, 369 00:26:39,359 --> 00:26:43,240 Speaker 1: many of these options involve interacting with other people, but 370 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:46,720 Speaker 1: the point is that you choose it alone, you embark 371 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,280 Speaker 1: on it alone, and you reflect on the experience alone. 372 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:55,560 Speaker 1: What aspects of yourself are consistent no matter what you do. 373 00:26:56,640 --> 00:27:00,720 Speaker 1: What do you discover about yourself? Is this a job 374 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,560 Speaker 1: that you've been curious about or is it the extra 375 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:08,199 Speaker 1: money that matters most? Do you like to interact with 376 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:12,879 Speaker 1: people or to work independently? Do you prefer to be 377 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,320 Speaker 1: given clear instructions or to find your own way? Are 378 00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:22,320 Speaker 1: you more likely to ask permission or forgiveness? Does work 379 00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:26,879 Speaker 1: invigorate or exhaust you? Would you like to expand this 380 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:31,600 Speaker 1: new opportunity in your life. Knowing more about ourselves and 381 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:36,560 Speaker 1: what we enjoy helps us feel comfortable in solitude. We'll 382 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:40,280 Speaker 1: be more willing to spend time pursuing our interests without 383 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:44,480 Speaker 1: needing the safety net of a companion. The activities you 384 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:48,000 Speaker 1: choose and what you learn about yourself from those activities 385 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,040 Speaker 1: will expand yourself awareness and help you make the most 386 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:57,720 Speaker 1: out of the time you spend alone. Confidence. Once we're 387 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:02,879 Speaker 1: comfortable in solitude, we can work on our confidence. Oxford 388 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:08,400 Speaker 1: Languages Dictionary defines confidence as a feeling of self assurance 389 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:15,000 Speaker 1: arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. 390 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:19,800 Speaker 1: Confidence is important in a relationship because it helps us 391 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:23,560 Speaker 1: talk to the person we like without seeking their approval 392 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:28,199 Speaker 1: or hinging our self esteem on their reaction. When we 393 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,639 Speaker 1: aren't looking for them to validate our tastes and choices, 394 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:36,359 Speaker 1: we can appreciate their kind words without being misled or 395 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:41,520 Speaker 1: distracted by them. Sometimes a lack of confidence makes us 396 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:45,960 Speaker 1: think we're not lovable. You are lovable, I promise, but 397 00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:49,160 Speaker 1: having me say it doesn't help you feel it. We 398 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,680 Speaker 1: build confidence by making time for the things that matter 399 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:55,960 Speaker 1: to us. If there are aspects of ourselves that we 400 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:59,640 Speaker 1: don't like, we should do something to change them. We 401 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:03,360 Speaker 1: have a choice. We can either change our mindset or 402 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,479 Speaker 1: change what we don't like. We need to get in 403 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 1: the habit of assessing ourselves and making efforts to improve 404 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:15,320 Speaker 1: our own lives. When most people set goals, they do 405 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 1: so around external achievements. They want to be financially free 406 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:23,240 Speaker 1: or to buy a home, But the goals will develop 407 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:28,640 Speaker 1: in this exercise center on growth, not achievement. Knowing our 408 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:33,040 Speaker 1: goals helps us prepare for love. Then, when they come 409 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:37,440 Speaker 1: up in conversation with a potential partner, you can explain 410 00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:42,720 Speaker 1: why they're important to you. The other person might be supportive, dismissive, 411 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,600 Speaker 1: or neutral. If they don't take notice, you can flag 412 00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 1: it for them, saying, this is actually an important goal 413 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,440 Speaker 1: of mine, and here's why you'll want a partner who 414 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:57,120 Speaker 1: respects not only your goals, but why they're your goals. 415 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:02,360 Speaker 1: In a relationship, remember that until you act on your goals, 416 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,800 Speaker 1: your partner won't know that they are truly important to you. 417 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:10,320 Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to start executing to have full buy in. 418 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 1: But in either case, if we don't know what our 419 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:18,240 Speaker 1: own goals are, we have no way of knowing how 420 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:25,880 Speaker 1: well they intersect with another person's. Try this, identify your 421 00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:30,640 Speaker 1: biggest growth area. Let's take a three hundred and sixty 422 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:37,320 Speaker 1: degree view of your life, looking at these five areas self, financial, mental, 423 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:43,320 Speaker 1: emotional health, and relationships. Choose the answer that comes closest 424 00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:47,240 Speaker 1: to defining your relationship with these areas of your life. 425 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,160 Speaker 1: When you've completed the questions, look at where you are 426 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:54,800 Speaker 1: and think about where you want to be. Which is 427 00:30:54,840 --> 00:31:01,760 Speaker 1: the area where you most want to grow? One personality A. 428 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:07,920 Speaker 1: I don't like myself. B. I like myself when others 429 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:14,040 Speaker 1: like me. See. I appreciate myself despite my flaws and 430 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:18,920 Speaker 1: work to improve myself. Are you okay with where you are? 431 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:25,880 Speaker 1: Or do you want to change? Two? Emotional health? A. 432 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:32,760 Speaker 1: I often feel anxious and unsettled. B. I put aside 433 00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:38,320 Speaker 1: my emotions to get stuff done. See. I understand my 434 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:43,640 Speaker 1: emotions and try to work through them. Are you okay 435 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:48,600 Speaker 1: with where you are or do you want to change? Three? 436 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:54,720 Speaker 1: Physical health A. I disregard my body or I don't 437 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:59,760 Speaker 1: like it. B. I actively work on my body because 438 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:04,520 Speaker 1: it's important to me to look good or better. See. 439 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:09,200 Speaker 1: I take care of myself and feel grateful to my body. 440 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:12,080 Speaker 1: Are you okay with where you are or do you 441 00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:20,080 Speaker 1: want to change? Four? Relationships A. I'm insecure about some 442 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:26,000 Speaker 1: of my relationships. B. I rely on my relationships for joy. 443 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:31,520 Speaker 1: See I invest in my relationships to help them grow. 444 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:35,320 Speaker 1: Are you okay with where you are or do you 445 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:42,680 Speaker 1: want to change? Five? Money A Thinking about money makes 446 00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:48,560 Speaker 1: me feel worried and anxious. Be thinking about money makes 447 00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:53,040 Speaker 1: me feel excited and ambitious. I envy people who have 448 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 1: more money than I do. See thinking about money makes 449 00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:01,880 Speaker 1: me feel content. If anything, I want more to give more. 450 00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:05,440 Speaker 1: Are you okay with where you are or do you 451 00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:10,720 Speaker 1: want to change? Say the biggest growth area you've identified 452 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:15,240 Speaker 1: is financial. You overspend and it's always been a problem. 453 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:19,160 Speaker 1: Taking action in this area is something to focus on 454 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:23,280 Speaker 1: when you spend time with yourself. I could write an 455 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:26,920 Speaker 1: entire book on developing and achieving your goals, but a 456 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:29,680 Speaker 1: good way to start is to develop a growth plan 457 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:36,760 Speaker 1: using the three c's of transformation one coaching. We live 458 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:41,520 Speaker 1: in a world where experts and information are easily accessible online. 459 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:46,000 Speaker 1: Start by looking for widely available resources to help you 460 00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:51,640 Speaker 1: with this issue. Find a book, podcast, course, friend professional 461 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:56,520 Speaker 1: ted talk, masterclass or online video to help you. You'll 462 00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:59,720 Speaker 1: find that most of these resources will help you break 463 00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:04,760 Speaker 1: your goal into achievable, smaller steps, bringing a challenge that 464 00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:12,759 Speaker 1: once seemed insurmountable into focus to consistency. Use the information 465 00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:16,000 Speaker 1: you've gathered to make a plan for how to address 466 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:19,880 Speaker 1: the issue in an ongoing way. Set a goal for 467 00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:23,919 Speaker 1: the year's end. This goal should be tied to action items, 468 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:27,839 Speaker 1: not an achievement. That is, your goal shouldn't be make 469 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:31,960 Speaker 1: a million dollars. It should be committing to ongoing efforts 470 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:36,560 Speaker 1: that will help you grow in this area. Three. Community 471 00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:40,600 Speaker 1: Look for a community that might help support your efforts. 472 00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:44,879 Speaker 1: There are online and local support groups for everything under 473 00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:48,120 Speaker 1: the sun. Find one where there is a mix of 474 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,640 Speaker 1: people who are in the same position you're in, people 475 00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:54,719 Speaker 1: are in the process of making changes, and people who 476 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:58,560 Speaker 1: have some measure of success in transforming their lives in 477 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:02,000 Speaker 1: the way that you wish to decide whether you prefer 478 00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:06,239 Speaker 1: a community that is motivational, informational, or a mix of 479 00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:10,239 Speaker 1: the two. Who knows you might meet your future partner there. 480 00:35:11,719 --> 00:35:15,520 Speaker 1: Research shows that not only does high self esteem create 481 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:20,280 Speaker 1: a more satisfying work life and better physical and psychological health, 482 00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:26,000 Speaker 1: but it also predicts better and more satisfying romantic relationships. 483 00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:30,080 Speaker 1: You may be wondering, couldn't it be the other way around? 484 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:35,839 Speaker 1: Wouldn't having a great relationship boost my self esteem? It's plausible, 485 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:40,520 Speaker 1: but the research says otherwise. In fact, when people with 486 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:44,360 Speaker 1: high self esteem had a relationship that went on the rocks, 487 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:49,000 Speaker 1: their self esteem was unaffected. They did not view the 488 00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:53,200 Speaker 1: level of happiness in their relationship as a direct reflection 489 00:35:53,520 --> 00:36:00,440 Speaker 1: of their self worth. The rewards of solitude. Once you're 490 00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:04,399 Speaker 1: spending productive time in solitude, you begin to know your 491 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:10,120 Speaker 1: own personality, values, and goals. During this process, you develop 492 00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:13,880 Speaker 1: qualities that prepare you for love at every stage of 493 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:20,920 Speaker 1: a relationship. In several ways, one mind, we develop the 494 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:25,040 Speaker 1: ability to see and know ourselves without the influence of 495 00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:31,080 Speaker 1: another mind. FRIEDA. Carlos said, I paint self portraits because 496 00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:35,680 Speaker 1: I am so often alone. What is a self portrait 497 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:40,080 Speaker 1: but a study of oneself? An attempt to visually portray 498 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:46,840 Speaker 1: self awareness. Solitude allows us to understand our own complexity. 499 00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:52,319 Speaker 1: We become students of ourselves. In her first apartment, my 500 00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:56,400 Speaker 1: friend Marie and her roommate had an occasional problem with 501 00:36:56,600 --> 00:37:01,200 Speaker 1: huge flying water bugs. I absolutely it could not handle it, 502 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:06,680 Speaker 1: Marie confesses. Luckily, my roommate, Yvonne, was a champion water 503 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:10,239 Speaker 1: bug slayer. If I came home to one, I just 504 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:12,680 Speaker 1: went out to get a drink. And wait for Yvonne. 505 00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:17,640 Speaker 1: But then Yvonne went away for the weekend, and on Friday, 506 00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:22,120 Speaker 1: the first day of her solo weekend, Mari came home 507 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:26,640 Speaker 1: to find a water bug in her room on her pillow. 508 00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:30,160 Speaker 1: I called Yvonne in a panic. She told me to 509 00:37:30,239 --> 00:37:33,839 Speaker 1: whack it, but I just couldn't. So I sat there 510 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,040 Speaker 1: and stared at the water bug for a long time. 511 00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:41,040 Speaker 1: I thought about how unfair it was that I should 512 00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:44,880 Speaker 1: hate it so much when I love butterflies. And then 513 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:48,080 Speaker 1: I opened the window and used a broom to gently 514 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:51,960 Speaker 1: usher it out into the world. This was a small 515 00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:56,840 Speaker 1: moment with a small creature, but Mari learned something about 516 00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:00,280 Speaker 1: herself that she never would have if she can tinue 517 00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:04,520 Speaker 1: to let Yvonne handle the problem for her. When we 518 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:08,960 Speaker 1: are alone, we fully rely on ourselves, figure out what 519 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:12,359 Speaker 1: we care about, and learn who we are. We learn 520 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:16,240 Speaker 1: to navigate challenges on our own. We can, of course 521 00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:19,759 Speaker 1: welcome help if it comes along, but we don't expect 522 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:23,719 Speaker 1: or depend on it. As those of you who read 523 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:27,480 Speaker 1: my first book, Think like a Monk may remember, One 524 00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:30,600 Speaker 1: of the texts I refer to most frequently is the 525 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:35,120 Speaker 1: bugwad Geeta, part of the Mahabaret, which was written nearly 526 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:38,920 Speaker 1: three thousand years ago. The bugwad Gheta is a dialogue 527 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:43,399 Speaker 1: between a warrior origin and the god Krishna on the 528 00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:46,920 Speaker 1: eve of a battle. This may not sound like it 529 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:50,200 Speaker 1: as much to offer modern humanity, but the bugwad Gheeta 530 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,360 Speaker 1: is the closest thing the vaders have to a self 531 00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:59,000 Speaker 1: help book. In it, Krishna says, the senses are so 532 00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:04,360 Speaker 1: strong and impetuous or our journ, that they forcibly carry 533 00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:08,719 Speaker 1: away the mind, even of a man of discrimination who 534 00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:13,640 Speaker 1: is endeavoring to control them. In other words, if we're 535 00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:19,240 Speaker 1: not careful, we can be attracted to something superficial or inauthentic. 536 00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:23,719 Speaker 1: We have to train ourselves not to instantly like and 537 00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:28,200 Speaker 1: trust the most attractive person in the room without remembering 538 00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:33,320 Speaker 1: that we don't know this person or understand them. Solitude 539 00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:37,879 Speaker 1: helps us master the senses the mind, because in solitude 540 00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:42,520 Speaker 1: we're only dealing with one mind, one set of thoughts. 541 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:48,920 Speaker 1: These days, our senses are constantly overstimulated, not just by people, 542 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:54,320 Speaker 1: but by all the unfiltered information that bombards us. Everything 543 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:58,040 Speaker 1: competes for our attention, and amid the noise, we have 544 00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:02,759 Speaker 1: no chance to identify what's important. They say love is 545 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:06,960 Speaker 1: blind because when we are overwhelmed by sensory stimulation, we 546 00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:11,880 Speaker 1: can't see clearly. The senses attract us to the newest, nicest, 547 00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:16,280 Speaker 1: shiniest thing without giving us a chance to reflect before 548 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:21,400 Speaker 1: we make decisions. Our senses don't make the best decisions. 549 00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:26,440 Speaker 1: The bugwad Gita says, as a strong wind sweeps away 550 00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:30,200 Speaker 1: a boat on the water, even one of the roaming 551 00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:34,480 Speaker 1: senses on which the mind focuses can carry away a 552 00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:40,520 Speaker 1: man's intelligence. There's nothing wrong with attraction, but we're easily 553 00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:45,680 Speaker 1: carried away by what looks appealing, feels good, or sounds right. 554 00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:51,719 Speaker 1: In solitude, we learn to create space between sensory stimulation 555 00:40:52,239 --> 00:40:56,719 Speaker 1: and decision making. If we're constantly looking for love or 556 00:40:56,800 --> 00:41:00,839 Speaker 1: constantly focused on our partner, will be destroyed, acted from 557 00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:06,040 Speaker 1: the vital work of understanding ourselves. If we don't understand ourselves, 558 00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:09,880 Speaker 1: we risk taking on the tastes and values of our partner. 559 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:14,399 Speaker 1: Their vision becomes our vision. We might choose to sign 560 00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:18,080 Speaker 1: on to someone's vision because we admire it. Someone might 561 00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:22,200 Speaker 1: be a skilled cook whose tutelage we gratefully accept, but 562 00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:26,120 Speaker 1: we don't want to mold ourselves to someone else simply 563 00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:30,640 Speaker 1: because we don't know ourselves. I've had too many clients 564 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:35,319 Speaker 1: who don't realize until twenty years into a relationship that 565 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:40,759 Speaker 1: they've lost touch with themselves because they've outsourced who they are. 566 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:45,680 Speaker 1: We can integrate our partner's tastes with confidence and autonomy 567 00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:50,440 Speaker 1: if we bring our own to the table. Through choices 568 00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:54,040 Speaker 1: we make in solitude, we set our own standard for 569 00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:57,400 Speaker 1: how we want to live and love and be loved. 570 00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:01,080 Speaker 1: With the space to write. Are now narrative from our 571 00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:06,440 Speaker 1: own point of view. We gradually overcome the influence of movies, books, 572 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:11,640 Speaker 1: our parents or caregivers model, or a partner's wishes. We 573 00:42:11,719 --> 00:42:17,920 Speaker 1: clarify our vision of love. Solitude helps you recognize that 574 00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:22,239 Speaker 1: there is a you before, are you during, and a 575 00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:28,080 Speaker 1: you after every relationship, forging your own way even when 576 00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:33,279 Speaker 1: you have company and love. Then, when our narrative intersects 577 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:38,279 Speaker 1: someone else's, we don't make choices based on infatuation, or 578 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:42,200 Speaker 1: follow someone else's vision of love, or passively let things 579 00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:47,480 Speaker 1: play out without knowing what we want. Instead, we gradually 580 00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:51,200 Speaker 1: express the standard we've developed to see how it fits 581 00:42:51,239 --> 00:42:56,080 Speaker 1: with theirs, and when we're in solitude again, we reflect 582 00:42:56,120 --> 00:43:02,080 Speaker 1: and evolve. Self control and patience two of the key 583 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:06,480 Speaker 1: skills we learn in solitude our self control and patience. 584 00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:10,880 Speaker 1: They're connected because the more we improve our self control, 585 00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:14,880 Speaker 1: the more patient we can be. Without these two skills, 586 00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:20,200 Speaker 1: we become prone to following our senses and whatever attracts us. 587 00:43:20,239 --> 00:43:24,000 Speaker 1: Self control is the time and space you create between 588 00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:27,440 Speaker 1: the moment when you're attracted to something and the moment 589 00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:33,239 Speaker 1: you react to it. Buddhist teacher Riggin Shicpo writes, desire 590 00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:37,960 Speaker 1: is something we project outward onto another person or object. 591 00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:43,480 Speaker 1: We think it exists externally within the object of our desire. 592 00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:48,160 Speaker 1: The desire actually lies in our own body and mind, 593 00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,440 Speaker 1: which is why we relate to it through the feelings 594 00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:55,440 Speaker 1: it produces. When we can separate our own feeling of 595 00:43:55,520 --> 00:44:00,000 Speaker 1: desire from the person we desire, we begin to feel 596 00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:03,120 Speaker 1: less controlled by it, and we can take a step 597 00:44:03,160 --> 00:44:07,160 Speaker 1: back and evaluate it from a more detached and less 598 00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:11,480 Speaker 1: urgent place. Instead of letting your senses lead the way. 599 00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:15,160 Speaker 1: The gap that you create gives you the restraint to 600 00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:18,160 Speaker 1: make sure the reaction is aligned with who you want 601 00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:22,480 Speaker 1: to be. That ability to restrain yourself to create the 602 00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:28,520 Speaker 1: space is enhanced by self knowledge. Solitude gives us time 603 00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:34,040 Speaker 1: and space between attraction and reaction. We ask ourselves, is 604 00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:38,799 Speaker 1: this truly healthy for me? Well? This nourish me? Is 605 00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:41,720 Speaker 1: this good for me? In the long term? We develop 606 00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:46,040 Speaker 1: the self control to pause and ask ourselves these questions, 607 00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:50,400 Speaker 1: and the patience to take our time answering them. We 608 00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:56,880 Speaker 1: learn the difference between what feels good and what feels nourishing. Often, 609 00:44:57,000 --> 00:45:00,680 Speaker 1: if something is healthy for us, it seems hard before 610 00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:05,680 Speaker 1: but great after. The clearest example of this is exercise, 611 00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:10,040 Speaker 1: but it extends into more complex decisions, like giving up 612 00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:13,520 Speaker 1: a Saturday to help a friend move or breaking off 613 00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:17,799 Speaker 1: a relationship that you know isn't working, and that which 614 00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:22,319 Speaker 1: is unhealthy for us seems great before but doesn't pan 615 00:45:22,400 --> 00:45:26,320 Speaker 1: out well. Think about how great the idea of eating 616 00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:29,960 Speaker 1: a big piece of chocolate cake seems before you do it, 617 00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:34,360 Speaker 1: but ultimately it's not good for you. The same is 618 00:45:34,360 --> 00:45:38,360 Speaker 1: true for more consequential decisions, like bringing a date to 619 00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:41,800 Speaker 1: a wedding because you don't want to be alone, even 620 00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:46,160 Speaker 1: though you know it will give them the wrong idea 621 00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:51,200 Speaker 1: a whole self. We've been trained to look for our 622 00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:56,560 Speaker 1: better half or someone to complete us. Does that make 623 00:45:56,640 --> 00:46:00,239 Speaker 1: us the worse off. Does it mean we're incomplete out 624 00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:05,120 Speaker 1: a partner? Even if those phrases are said lightheartedly, they 625 00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:08,719 Speaker 1: set us up for dependency on someone else that can 626 00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:13,160 Speaker 1: never truly be fulfilled. We look to our partner essentially 627 00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:20,200 Speaker 1: saying I'm bored. Entertain me, I'm tired, Energize me, I'm angry, 628 00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:26,720 Speaker 1: make me laugh, I'm frustrated, Comfort me, I'm unhappy, Cheer 629 00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:31,080 Speaker 1: me up. We treat our partners like human advil, looking 630 00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:35,520 Speaker 1: to them for instant relief. We're not entirely wrong to 631 00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:40,880 Speaker 1: expect this. Partners actually do corregulate each other. Changes in 632 00:46:40,920 --> 00:46:45,120 Speaker 1: your body prompt changes in their body, and vice versa. 633 00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:50,319 Speaker 1: Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett rights, when you're with someone you 634 00:46:50,440 --> 00:46:55,240 Speaker 1: care about, your breathing can synchronize, as can the beating 635 00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:59,480 Speaker 1: of your hearts. This connection starts when you're a baby. 636 00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:04,120 Speaker 1: Your body learns to synchronize its own rhythms by first 637 00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:10,279 Speaker 1: synchronizing to your caregiver's rhythms, and it continues into adulthood. But, 638 00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:13,520 Speaker 1: as Barrett points out, the best thing for your nervous 639 00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:17,720 Speaker 1: system is another human, the worst thing for your nervous 640 00:47:17,719 --> 00:47:23,040 Speaker 1: system is another human syncing with other people can log 641 00:47:23,120 --> 00:47:26,160 Speaker 1: us into their bad vibes as well as they're good ones. 642 00:47:27,120 --> 00:47:31,239 Speaker 1: This is why we need to self regulate, comforting ourselves, 643 00:47:31,560 --> 00:47:36,200 Speaker 1: calming ourselves down, or pepping ourselves up. If we're always 644 00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:39,520 Speaker 1: turning toward others to help us tune how we feel, 645 00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:43,640 Speaker 1: we'll stay more like that infant who is incapable of 646 00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:48,840 Speaker 1: self soothing and self supporting. When you're sad, if you're lucky, 647 00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:51,720 Speaker 1: your partner will know how to make you feel better. 648 00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:56,320 Speaker 1: People can and will help us, and that feels good, 649 00:47:56,840 --> 00:47:59,839 Speaker 1: but it may not be what we need. If some 650 00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:04,160 Speaker 1: one reassures us that everything will be okay, it's nice 651 00:48:04,160 --> 00:48:06,920 Speaker 1: to hear and nice to have their love and support, 652 00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:11,120 Speaker 1: but what we might really need is alone time to 653 00:48:11,160 --> 00:48:16,239 Speaker 1: figure out how we can improve our situation. In solitude, 654 00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:20,759 Speaker 1: we practice giving ourselves what we need before we expect 655 00:48:20,800 --> 00:48:26,160 Speaker 1: it from someone else. Are you kind to yourself? Are 656 00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:32,759 Speaker 1: you honest with yourself? Are you emotionally available to yourself? 657 00:48:33,880 --> 00:48:37,840 Speaker 1: Are you supportive of your own efforts? You don't have 658 00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:41,160 Speaker 1: to answer these questions right now. The more time you 659 00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:45,040 Speaker 1: spend in solitude, the better you'll know how to answer them. 660 00:48:46,120 --> 00:48:49,719 Speaker 1: People determine how to treat us in large part by 661 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:54,400 Speaker 1: observing how we treat ourselves. The way you speak about 662 00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:59,520 Speaker 1: yourself affects how people will speak with you. The way 663 00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:04,200 Speaker 1: you allow yourself to be spoken to reinforces what people 664 00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:10,080 Speaker 1: think you deserve. A Relationship with someone else won't cure 665 00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:15,640 Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself. Therapy and friendships and a partner 666 00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:20,640 Speaker 1: might help us understand and address the sources of our sadness, 667 00:49:20,680 --> 00:49:25,040 Speaker 1: but many people still feel like their partner doesn't understand them. 668 00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:30,359 Speaker 1: Our culture often encourages us to put the responsibility to 669 00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:34,400 Speaker 1: unpack our feelings on someone else. We expect them to 670 00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:39,759 Speaker 1: understand our emotions even if we don't. Other people can 671 00:49:39,920 --> 00:49:43,480 Speaker 1: help you, but if you're not trying to understand yourself, 672 00:49:44,080 --> 00:49:48,000 Speaker 1: nobody else can do it for you. We've all had 673 00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:51,040 Speaker 1: the friend who says you're right, You're right, you're right, 674 00:49:51,520 --> 00:49:53,880 Speaker 1: but you can tell they're not going to take your advice. 675 00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:58,400 Speaker 1: They need to do the work themselves. Hoping a partner 676 00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:01,480 Speaker 1: will solve your problems is like trying to get someone 677 00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:04,480 Speaker 1: to write your term paper for you. You need to 678 00:50:04,520 --> 00:50:08,480 Speaker 1: take the class, learn the material, and write the paper yourself, 679 00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:12,800 Speaker 1: or you won't have learned anything. You might think great 680 00:50:13,040 --> 00:50:15,120 Speaker 1: Where is this class that will teach me how to 681 00:50:15,200 --> 00:50:19,520 Speaker 1: lead a meaningful life? Sign me up, but you're already 682 00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:24,040 Speaker 1: taking the class. This is what solitude is for. When 683 00:50:24,120 --> 00:50:27,640 Speaker 1: you come to a relationship as a whole person, without 684 00:50:27,719 --> 00:50:30,680 Speaker 1: looking for someone to complete you or to be your 685 00:50:30,719 --> 00:50:35,319 Speaker 1: better half, you can truly connect and love. You know 686 00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:38,480 Speaker 1: how you like to spend your time, what's important to you, 687 00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:42,040 Speaker 1: and how you'd like to grow. You have the self 688 00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:45,120 Speaker 1: control to wait for someone you can be happy with, 689 00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:50,359 Speaker 1: and the patience to appreciate someone you're already with. You 690 00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:54,120 Speaker 1: realize that you can bring value to someone else's life. 691 00:50:55,040 --> 00:50:59,480 Speaker 1: With this foundation, you're ready to give love without neediness 692 00:50:59,800 --> 00:51:05,239 Speaker 1: or fear. Of course, relationships do heal us through connection, 693 00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:09,280 Speaker 1: but you are giving yourself a head start by making 694 00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:13,200 Speaker 1: the most of the time you spend in solitude. You 695 00:51:13,280 --> 00:51:17,040 Speaker 1: want to go on a journey with someone, not to 696 00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:21,960 Speaker 1: make them your journey. This stage of life is designed 697 00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:25,960 Speaker 1: to help us learn how to love ourselves. But if 698 00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:29,160 Speaker 1: you don't learn the lessons of the first Ushram of love, 699 00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:32,799 Speaker 1: then you won't know how lovable you are and what 700 00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:36,759 Speaker 1: you have to offer. This is an everyday practice of 701 00:51:36,800 --> 00:51:41,240 Speaker 1: preparing ourselves to be in a relationship while staying true 702 00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:44,880 Speaker 1: to who we are. It is one of the hardest 703 00:51:44,960 --> 00:51:49,640 Speaker 1: rules in this book and the most important. Any step 704 00:51:49,680 --> 00:51:54,280 Speaker 1: toward knowing yourself in solitude will help you love others, because, 705 00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,800 Speaker 1: in addition to knowing what you bring to the table, 706 00:51:57,480 --> 00:52:01,680 Speaker 1: the very process of learning to understand and love yourself 707 00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:06,920 Speaker 1: helps you understand the effort required to love someone else. 708 00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:13,120 Speaker 1: The work it took to understand ourselves teaches us that 709 00:52:13,360 --> 00:52:17,000 Speaker 1: even when we're with someone we care about, it will 710 00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:22,560 Speaker 1: still be hard to understand them. Perhaps the most important 711 00:52:22,680 --> 00:52:28,760 Speaker 1: lesson solitude offers is helping us understand our own imperfection. 712 00:52:29,920 --> 00:52:33,839 Speaker 1: This prepares us to love someone else in all their 713 00:52:33,880 --> 00:52:39,560 Speaker 1: beauty and imperfection. Thank you so much for listening to 714 00:52:39,640 --> 00:52:42,560 Speaker 1: chapter one of my new book, Eight Rules of Love. 715 00:52:42,640 --> 00:52:44,960 Speaker 1: If you enjoyed it, go and get the rest of 716 00:52:44,960 --> 00:52:49,040 Speaker 1: the audiobook from eight Rules of Love dot com. Thank 717 00:52:49,080 --> 00:52:51,480 Speaker 1: you so much for all your support and positive energy 718 00:52:51,520 --> 00:52:54,040 Speaker 1: for those you've already have been reading and listening. I 719 00:52:54,080 --> 00:52:56,279 Speaker 1: appreciate you, and I hope you're going to pass this 720 00:52:56,320 --> 00:52:58,600 Speaker 1: on to a friend as well. Thank you so much 721 00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:02,839 Speaker 1: did