Speaker 1: Tosh Shaw Tosh Show, Tosh Show Show. Hey guys, it's
Speaker 1: Daniel Tosh with an emergency pod Eddie hit the sirens.
Speaker 1: Balm waal waal waal. You know what? I don't know
Speaker 1: if if if it's an emergency or if this is
Speaker 1: just a celebration because it's our birthday. Now, what are
Speaker 1: the odds that Carl and I share the same birthday?
Speaker 1: One in three hundred and sixty five. Yep, Well we
Speaker 1: don't share the same birthday. His was yesterday, His is
Speaker 1: the twenty eighth, mine's the twenty nine. Happy birthday, buddy.
Speaker 1: Carl is four and I am fifty. What all I
Speaker 1: want for my birthday is a big booty ho? How
Speaker 1: many times have I said that? And every year? What
Speaker 1: do I get my wife? I want a big booty ho.
Speaker 1: That's all I want. Oh, it's pret now, you guys
Speaker 1: didn't get me anything because your normal. But let's just
Speaker 1: go around the room. You can say happy birthday to
Speaker 1: me and tell me what you would have gotten me,
Speaker 1: and I will react the way I would have reacted. Okay, Eddie,
Speaker 1: what were you gonna get me? I would have gotten
Speaker 1: you a suit of armor with a shield and a
Speaker 1: fucking hated I hate it, and you would you would
Speaker 1: get me a suit of armor. Well, I don't want
Speaker 1: to thank you very much as the thought that counts.
Speaker 1: Good job, John. You what were you gonna get me?
Speaker 1: Let's see, I probably would have given you cookies or
Speaker 1: something from as that would have been nice. I don't
Speaker 1: want anything from ASoP. Fine cookies would have been nice.
Speaker 1: A lot of people do that, but they give me
Speaker 1: too many. I would have just like one or two cookies.
Speaker 1: I'd probably gotten you a dozen that would have just
Speaker 1: gotten me sick. Assuming you would have shared that. I
Speaker 1: would share them, but I'd still eat too many of
Speaker 1: them in a short amount of time. Of course, of
Speaker 1: course I'm glad you didn't get it. More on you.
Speaker 1: I don't want It's sure it's on me. So it
Speaker 1: wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for your gift. Right, Well,
Speaker 1: I don't gift all right, Dylan. You know I think
Speaker 1: I would have gotten you nothing just because I figured
Speaker 1: that's probably what Dylan gets us. Dylan gets a happy
Speaker 1: Birthday to me from Dylan. Every year, a handful of
Speaker 1: people in my circle try to buy me a gift
Speaker 1: that they think, oh, he's gonna love this, and it
Speaker 1: always fails. But this year, my manager, Christy Smith, she
Speaker 1: bought me the most. She was so excited about it.
Speaker 1: She was just had a shitting and grin for weeks before.
Speaker 1: She's like, I just know you're gonna love it. And
Speaker 1: then she kept she kept calling, Meg, are you home?
Speaker 1: I want to drop it off. I'm like, fucking yes,
Speaker 1: I can't wait for this. Okay, what does she get me?
Speaker 1: Are you ready for this? Guys? She gives me a
Speaker 1: personal submarine. Hey, that's amazing. It's a c bob huh
Speaker 1: so it's handheld, but it's like the size of this table,
Speaker 1: and it can go forty meters deep. You can drag
Speaker 1: you in fucking four of your family members to the
Speaker 1: day depths where all of your ears blow out and
Speaker 1: you die. You can surface like a dolphin with it.
Speaker 1: It's just the most ridiculous gift anybody could buy me.
Speaker 1: But I love it. I haven't used it. I don't
Speaker 1: think i'll regift it, but anyway, that's what she got me.
Speaker 1: You're gonna spend all of July in Lake Tahoe. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna spend all of July under Lake Tahoe. Looking for
Speaker 1: all the Chinese people that were thrown in there after
Speaker 1: building the railroads. So let's let's let's see if she
Speaker 1: answers her phone, I'll call her and say thank you
Speaker 1: to herschel let her say happy birthday to me as
Speaker 1: my manager. Hello, he just was giving me a chance
Speaker 1: on air to say happy birthday.
Speaker 2: To me and you all, Happy birthday?
Speaker 1: How pleased were you with your gift that you gave me?
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie. It's the most excited I've been
Speaker 2: to give a gift in a very very long time.
Speaker 1: But we still couldn't tell if you like it or
Speaker 1: if you we gonna ge to Eddie. No, I'm not
Speaker 1: giving that to Eddie. Will fucking die on that thing
Speaker 1: in a minute. Did you like it? It was a
Speaker 1: good gift. I mean, it's the most ridiculous gift I've
Speaker 1: ever gotten, that's for sure. I was excited. All right,
Speaker 1: good work, I'll see you later.
Speaker 2: By Hello.
Speaker 1: Hey, I'm doing my birthday pod, letting people wish me
Speaker 1: a happy birthday right now.
Speaker 2: Happy birthday here officially not a spring chicken anymore.
Speaker 1: I'm old as shit. Hey, are you are you gonna
Speaker 1: get Are you gonna get me something nice. Of course.
Speaker 1: Well you know that Christy didn't include you on her gift.
Speaker 1: That's rude.
Speaker 2: She already sent it to you.
Speaker 1: The submarine, Yeah, I already got a submarine. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: you're on your own.
Speaker 2: I'm getting you a helicopter with your own pilot.
Speaker 1: Huh.
Speaker 2: The helicopters in the mail.
Speaker 1: Okay, Stacy says, she's giving me a helicopter. Hey, Greg Haunt,
Speaker 1: it's just giving you a call. It's my birthday episode
Speaker 1: on the podcast. I turned fifty years old. I'm just
Speaker 1: giving people a chance to say happy birthday to me.
Speaker 3: Hey, birthday, Danielle, Happy birth.
Speaker 1: How many pollups can you do? How many pull ups
Speaker 1: right now? Probably three? Is that bad? Good? That's good,
Speaker 1: that's good. That's about average. Are we live on the podcast?
Speaker 1: What's going on?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're live. Do you have any hey? What you
Speaker 1: just give me some words of wisdom? Well, what do
Speaker 1: you do? You wake up? You go for a walk,
Speaker 1: don't you. Yeah, that's it. That's all you gotta do.
Speaker 1: That's the key to health. You wake up, you walk
Speaker 1: around your neighborhood. Don't do ten thousand steps, that's too many. Well, okay,
Speaker 1: we have a little bit around the neighborhood and have
Speaker 1: a seat, a couple of coffee. Looks straight ahead. You're good,
Speaker 1: all right, talk to you later. Okay, Hey, hi, Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm calling you. It's my birthday podcast. I'm letting people
Speaker 1: wish me a happy birthday.
Speaker 3: Oh for sure, happy birthday.
Speaker 1: Did you get the lovely card we sent you? No?
Speaker 1: I didn't get your card. Oh it's in the mail.
Speaker 1: Oh nice said that last week.
Speaker 3: Man.
Speaker 1: Oh, good for you guys. But we don't check our
Speaker 1: mail very often because not a lot of people mail
Speaker 1: us things.
Speaker 3: Yes, it should be there today.
Speaker 1: Do you have any Are you officially fifty years old? Yeah?
Speaker 1: You do? You have any words of wisdom for my fifties?
Speaker 3: Oh, words of wisdom for your fifties?
Speaker 2: The best half of your life is behind you.
Speaker 1: That seems horribly depressing.
Speaker 2: That's a horrible okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah, No, fifties are the new thirties. That's awful too.
Speaker 1: That's worse. I like the first one. Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: I'll see you soon. All right, man, Okay, happy birthday.
Speaker 1: Thank you, call my brother. I'm on the podcast. Yeah
Speaker 1: you are, Okay, happy birthday.
Speaker 2: It's all the pressure.
Speaker 1: What's not a lot of pressure. You say for birthday,
Speaker 1: by the way, uh uh, what have you known as
Speaker 1: my birthday? Honestly? Yes? Or no? You have to only
Speaker 1: because yeah, his son has the same birthday as me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so he never never gets me anything though, Were you
Speaker 1: gonna get me something? No? But it is.
Speaker 3: Funny when you like invite me to like do something
Speaker 3: for your birthday and I'm like, they should spend it
Speaker 3: with my sons.
Speaker 1: All right, happy birthday to thank you. Yeah. I always
Speaker 1: forget that his son's birthday is my same day, and
Speaker 1: then he's always like, bro, I'm not going to your
Speaker 1: fucking dinner. I'm like, all right, geez, you want to
Speaker 1: call his Cara top and see if he answers his phone.
Speaker 3: Your call has been forwarded to voicemail.
Speaker 1: The Scott Jerk Move, Scott Jerk Move. Hello. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: wanted to remind you of that last year I didn't
Speaker 1: give you all that ride and stuff and then it
Speaker 1: ended up on the show being getting away to that
Speaker 1: Frog find Me d Yeah, but let me say, uh
Speaker 1: this about the gifts that you gave me last year
Speaker 1: from the ribbean stuff. The stickers over the warnings are
Speaker 1: in my car and I love that and uh the charger.
Speaker 1: Uh I used the double charger thing. Uh, so I
Speaker 1: kept the ones that I wanted.
Speaker 2: Well, I've just been multiple times the things that have
Speaker 2: ended up on your shows.
Speaker 3: As a gift at the end, Right, what are you
Speaker 3: called back?
Speaker 1: My brother called back to be like I got you something.
Speaker 1: It's called Pete's Wife. Hello, Hey, you're on my birthday podcast.
Speaker 1: I'm just letting people say happy birthday to me.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, happy birthday.
Speaker 1: Did you want to did you want to sing or anything?
Speaker 2: Hey?
Speaker 1: I got well, no, it stops, stops, it stops saying
Speaker 1: I got carre top on the airline by Scott. Hey, bubby, Hey,
Speaker 1: you're on my birthday podcast. I'm letting people wish me
Speaker 1: happy birthday because I'm fifty years old.
Speaker 3: Oh you're fifty. God damn you're young.
Speaker 1: Fuck fifty.
Speaker 3: I'm sixty.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, but you look I'm already I look fucking great. Right,
Speaker 1: you look amazing.
Speaker 3: Happy birthday. But yeah, are you on your podcast now?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I'm on it right now.
Speaker 3: Oh well, I want to be on that fucking thing.
Speaker 3: I've been asking you forever.
Speaker 1: Done, you're on. I mean, we can rub lotion on me.
Speaker 1: I'm not doing any of that. Thanks, thanks were wishing
Speaker 1: me a happy birthday, Scott. I'll see you soon, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: you got it.
Speaker 3: You.
Speaker 1: I haven't called my mother yet. You're called Margo. Let's
Speaker 1: just let's just call her real fast. She never answers anymore.
Speaker 1: She's got her phone on silent. Happy birthday.
Speaker 2: But maybe I wasn't gonna call you. Maybe I was
Speaker 2: it's going to send you a text and say happy birthday.
Speaker 1: You just sent a text. How about a gift? Were
Speaker 1: you planning on sending any gifts?
Speaker 2: No? Even though you're fifty.
Speaker 1: Is that is that amazing that you have a fifty
Speaker 1: year old son.
Speaker 2: Well, I have an older daughter.
Speaker 1: Right, but that's less that's less impressive. Biblically, nobody cares
Speaker 1: about the daughters.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, well that's good.
Speaker 1: Happy birthday. Thank you for giving me life and and
Speaker 1: I stayed alive for fifty years, so it's like I
Speaker 1: did my part. You did your part.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, right right, you're a good son.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, Happy fiftieth birthday, old man.
Speaker 1: Thank you, love you, okay, love you bye? Mm hmmm,
Speaker 1: I'd rather get you something. Thank you. Uncomfortable?
Speaker 2: How game works?
Speaker 1: How are you in I'm good man. I'm on your podcast.
Speaker 1: Yeah you Eddie and I are just talking to you
Speaker 1: right now. What Eddie? What's up? I gotta call any two.
Speaker 1: But all right, happy birthday. But I'm still sending you
Speaker 1: some shit now that I know it's your birthday. Thank you, Ian.
Speaker 2: Oh but I already got you something I know.
Speaker 1: But I but you gave it to me like weeks ago,
Speaker 1: so it doesn't really count.
Speaker 2: Well, guess what, there's something else here that you don't
Speaker 2: know about. So take that all right, Okay, Happy birthday?
Speaker 1: You love me, I love you.
Speaker 2: Didn't you see my nails?
Speaker 1: She painted her nails and put a d T at
Speaker 1: my initials on one of her nails, like it like
Speaker 1: she's like a seventh grader.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like a slutty little high school girl. Then the
Speaker 2: other one has a heart.
Speaker 1: Well that's very sweet. Alight, right there, I'll talk to
Speaker 1: you later, okay bye.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, you know you're older than you thought.
Speaker 1: What old was? Yeah? Yeah, it's very true. Oh my god.
Speaker 3: Well you know what I'm gonna be trailing you. I
Speaker 3: got two years to go before I hit the big five?
Speaker 1: Oh are you serious? Yes?
Speaker 3: I know it's crazy, isn't it.
Speaker 1: Oh, You've always been just that up and coming comic.
Speaker 1: To think that you're forty eight now is crazy, dude.
Speaker 3: You know when I really started lying about my age,
Speaker 3: I'm not.
Speaker 1: Even kidding, huh.
Speaker 3: I turned twenty because I thought, oh, I'm not young
Speaker 3: anymore because I started comedy. I'm sixteen, seventeen eighteen. People
Speaker 3: always tell everybody this kid's only eighteen. Then when I
Speaker 3: turned twenty, I'm like, oh, fuck, I better start saying
Speaker 3: I'm better start lying about my age.
Speaker 1: What else? What are you working? What are you doing?
Speaker 3: I'm going to New York in November for the first
Speaker 3: two weeks in November, okay, and I'm doing the show
Speaker 3: like with the big band and everything for literally thirteen
Speaker 3: days straight.
Speaker 1: What's the venue.
Speaker 3: It's Second City in Brooklyn, all.
Speaker 1: Right, Second City in Brooklyn, first two weeks in November.
Speaker 1: You're plugged, Todd. Oh, happy birthday to you. I uh.
Speaker 2: You.
Speaker 1: I'll see you soon, right, guys, I'm exhausted. So what
Speaker 1: what a what a party? Thanks Eddie for being here
Speaker 1: for throwing this surprise party for me. You got me
Speaker 1: a balloon. Carl didn't even stick out stick around the
Speaker 1: whole party. But that's like Carl. Carl, He's not gonna
Speaker 1: He's not the guy that like hangs out till the end.
Speaker 1: He pops in, he pops out. Well, if if my
Speaker 1: next fifty years or anything like my first fifty years,
Speaker 1: I'll be okay with it. Well now, what, what a
Speaker 1: what a great birthday. I can't wait to do it
Speaker 1: again next year. See you next week.