WEBVTT - My 50th Birthday - Emergency Pod

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<v Speaker 1>Tosh Shaw Tosh Show, Tosh Show Show. Hey guys, it's

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<v Speaker 1>Daniel Tosh with an emergency pod Eddie hit the sirens.

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<v Speaker 1>Balm waal waal waal. You know what? I don't know

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<v Speaker 1>if if if it's an emergency or if this is

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<v Speaker 1>just a celebration because it's our birthday. Now, what are

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<v Speaker 1>the odds that Carl and I share the same birthday?

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<v Speaker 1>One in three hundred and sixty five. Yep, Well we

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<v Speaker 1>don't share the same birthday. His was yesterday, His is

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<v Speaker 1>the twenty eighth, mine's the twenty nine. Happy birthday, buddy.

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<v Speaker 1>Carl is four and I am fifty. What all I

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<v Speaker 1>want for my birthday is a big booty ho? How

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<v Speaker 1>many times have I said that? And every year? What

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<v Speaker 1>do I get my wife? I want a big booty ho.

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<v Speaker 1>That's all I want. Oh, it's pret now, you guys

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<v Speaker 1>didn't get me anything because your normal. But let's just

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<v Speaker 1>go around the room. You can say happy birthday to

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<v Speaker 1>me and tell me what you would have gotten me,

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<v Speaker 1>and I will react the way I would have reacted. Okay, Eddie,

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<v Speaker 1>what were you gonna get me? I would have gotten

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<v Speaker 1>you a suit of armor with a shield and a

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<v Speaker 1>fucking hated I hate it, and you would you would

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<v Speaker 1>get me a suit of armor. Well, I don't want

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<v Speaker 1>to thank you very much as the thought that counts.

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<v Speaker 1>Good job, John. You what were you gonna get me?

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<v Speaker 1>Let's see, I probably would have given you cookies or

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<v Speaker 1>something from as that would have been nice. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>want anything from ASoP. Fine cookies would have been nice.

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<v Speaker 1>A lot of people do that, but they give me

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<v Speaker 1>too many. I would have just like one or two cookies.

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<v Speaker 1>I'd probably gotten you a dozen that would have just

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<v Speaker 1>gotten me sick. Assuming you would have shared that. I

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<v Speaker 1>would share them, but I'd still eat too many of

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<v Speaker 1>them in a short amount of time. Of course, of

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<v Speaker 1>course I'm glad you didn't get it. More on you.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want It's sure it's on me. So it

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<v Speaker 1>wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for your gift. Right, Well,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't gift all right, Dylan. You know I think

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<v Speaker 1>I would have gotten you nothing just because I figured

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<v Speaker 1>that's probably what Dylan gets us. Dylan gets a happy

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<v Speaker 1>Birthday to me from Dylan. Every year, a handful of

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<v Speaker 1>people in my circle try to buy me a gift

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<v Speaker 1>that they think, oh, he's gonna love this, and it

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<v Speaker 1>always fails. But this year, my manager, Christy Smith, she

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<v Speaker 1>bought me the most. She was so excited about it.

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<v Speaker 1>She was just had a shitting and grin for weeks before.

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<v Speaker 1>She's like, I just know you're gonna love it. And

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<v Speaker 1>then she kept she kept calling, Meg, are you home?

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<v Speaker 1>I want to drop it off. I'm like, fucking yes,

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<v Speaker 1>I can't wait for this. Okay, what does she get me?

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<v Speaker 1>Are you ready for this? Guys? She gives me a

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<v Speaker 1>personal submarine. Hey, that's amazing. It's a c bob huh

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<v Speaker 1>so it's handheld, but it's like the size of this table,

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<v Speaker 1>and it can go forty meters deep. You can drag

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<v Speaker 1>you in fucking four of your family members to the

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<v Speaker 1>day depths where all of your ears blow out and

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<v Speaker 1>you die. You can surface like a dolphin with it.

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<v Speaker 1>It's just the most ridiculous gift anybody could buy me.

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<v Speaker 1>But I love it. I haven't used it. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>think i'll regift it, but anyway, that's what she got me.

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<v Speaker 1>You're gonna spend all of July in Lake Tahoe. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>gonna spend all of July under Lake Tahoe. Looking for

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<v Speaker 1>all the Chinese people that were thrown in there after

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<v Speaker 1>building the railroads. So let's let's let's see if she

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<v Speaker 1>answers her phone, I'll call her and say thank you

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<v Speaker 1>to herschel let her say happy birthday to me as

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<v Speaker 1>my manager. Hello, he just was giving me a chance

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<v Speaker 1>on air to say happy birthday.

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<v Speaker 2>To me and you all, Happy birthday?

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<v Speaker 1>How pleased were you with your gift that you gave me?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not gonna lie. It's the most excited I've been

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<v Speaker 2>to give a gift in a very very long time.

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<v Speaker 1>But we still couldn't tell if you like it or

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<v Speaker 1>if you we gonna ge to Eddie. No, I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>giving that to Eddie. Will fucking die on that thing

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<v Speaker 1>in a minute. Did you like it? It was a

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<v Speaker 1>good gift. I mean, it's the most ridiculous gift I've

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<v Speaker 1>ever gotten, that's for sure. I was excited. All right,

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<v Speaker 1>good work, I'll see you later.

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<v Speaker 2>By Hello.

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<v Speaker 1>Hey, I'm doing my birthday pod, letting people wish me

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<v Speaker 1>a happy birthday right now.

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<v Speaker 2>Happy birthday here officially not a spring chicken anymore.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm old as shit. Hey, are you are you gonna

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<v Speaker 1>get Are you gonna get me something nice. Of course.

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<v Speaker 1>Well you know that Christy didn't include you on her gift.

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<v Speaker 1>That's rude.

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<v Speaker 2>She already sent it to you.

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<v Speaker 1>The submarine, Yeah, I already got a submarine. Oh my gosh,

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<v Speaker 1>you're on your own.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm getting you a helicopter with your own pilot.

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<v Speaker 1>Huh.

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<v Speaker 2>The helicopters in the mail.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, Stacy says, she's giving me a helicopter. Hey, Greg Haunt,

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<v Speaker 1>it's just giving you a call. It's my birthday episode

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<v Speaker 1>on the podcast. I turned fifty years old. I'm just

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<v Speaker 1>giving people a chance to say happy birthday to me.

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<v Speaker 3>Hey, birthday, Danielle, Happy birth.

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<v Speaker 1>How many pollups can you do? How many pull ups

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<v Speaker 1>right now? Probably three? Is that bad? Good? That's good,

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<v Speaker 1>that's good. That's about average. Are we live on the podcast?

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<v Speaker 1>What's going on?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we're live. Do you have any hey? What you

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<v Speaker 1>just give me some words of wisdom? Well, what do

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<v Speaker 1>you do? You wake up? You go for a walk,

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<v Speaker 1>don't you. Yeah, that's it. That's all you gotta do.

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<v Speaker 1>That's the key to health. You wake up, you walk

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<v Speaker 1>around your neighborhood. Don't do ten thousand steps, that's too many. Well, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>we have a little bit around the neighborhood and have

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<v Speaker 1>a seat, a couple of coffee. Looks straight ahead. You're good,

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<v Speaker 1>all right, talk to you later. Okay, Hey, hi, Hey,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm calling you. It's my birthday podcast. I'm letting people

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<v Speaker 1>wish me a happy birthday.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh for sure, happy birthday.

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<v Speaker 1>Did you get the lovely card we sent you? No?

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't get your card. Oh it's in the mail.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh nice said that last week.

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<v Speaker 3>Man.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, good for you guys. But we don't check our

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<v Speaker 1>mail very often because not a lot of people mail

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<v Speaker 1>us things.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, it should be there today.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you have any Are you officially fifty years old? Yeah?

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<v Speaker 1>You do? You have any words of wisdom for my fifties?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, words of wisdom for your fifties?

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<v Speaker 2>The best half of your life is behind you.

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<v Speaker 1>That seems horribly depressing.

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<v Speaker 2>That's a horrible okay.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, No, fifties are the new thirties. That's awful too.

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<v Speaker 1>That's worse. I like the first one. Okay, all right,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll see you soon. All right, man, Okay, happy birthday.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you, call my brother. I'm on the podcast. Yeah

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<v Speaker 1>you are, Okay, happy birthday.

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<v Speaker 2>It's all the pressure.

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<v Speaker 1>What's not a lot of pressure. You say for birthday,

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<v Speaker 1>by the way, uh uh, what have you known as

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<v Speaker 1>my birthday? Honestly? Yes? Or no? You have to only

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<v Speaker 1>because yeah, his son has the same birthday as me. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>so he never never gets me anything though, Were you

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<v Speaker 1>gonna get me something? No? But it is.

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<v Speaker 3>Funny when you like invite me to like do something

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<v Speaker 3>for your birthday and I'm like, they should spend it

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<v Speaker 3>with my sons.

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<v Speaker 1>All right, happy birthday to thank you. Yeah. I always

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<v Speaker 1>forget that his son's birthday is my same day, and

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<v Speaker 1>then he's always like, bro, I'm not going to your

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<v Speaker 1>fucking dinner. I'm like, all right, geez, you want to

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<v Speaker 1>call his Cara top and see if he answers his phone.

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<v Speaker 3>Your call has been forwarded to voicemail.

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<v Speaker 1>The Scott Jerk Move, Scott Jerk Move. Hello. Yeah, I

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<v Speaker 1>wanted to remind you of that last year I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>give you all that ride and stuff and then it

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<v Speaker 1>ended up on the show being getting away to that

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<v Speaker 1>Frog find Me d Yeah, but let me say, uh

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<v Speaker 1>this about the gifts that you gave me last year

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<v Speaker 1>from the ribbean stuff. The stickers over the warnings are

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<v Speaker 1>in my car and I love that and uh the charger.

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<v Speaker 1>Uh I used the double charger thing. Uh, so I

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<v Speaker 1>kept the ones that I wanted.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I've just been multiple times the things that have

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<v Speaker 2>ended up on your shows.

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<v Speaker 3>As a gift at the end, Right, what are you

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<v Speaker 3>called back?

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<v Speaker 1>My brother called back to be like I got you something.

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<v Speaker 1>It's called Pete's Wife. Hello, Hey, you're on my birthday podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just letting people say happy birthday to me.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh wow, happy birthday.

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<v Speaker 1>Did you want to did you want to sing or anything?

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<v Speaker 2>Hey?

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<v Speaker 1>I got well, no, it stops, stops, it stops saying

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<v Speaker 1>I got carre top on the airline by Scott. Hey, bubby, Hey,

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<v Speaker 1>you're on my birthday podcast. I'm letting people wish me

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<v Speaker 1>happy birthday because I'm fifty years old.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh you're fifty. God damn you're young.

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<v Speaker 1>Fuck fifty.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm sixty.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah. Yeah, but you look I'm already I look fucking great. Right,

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<v Speaker 1>you look amazing.

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<v Speaker 3>Happy birthday. But yeah, are you on your podcast now?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah? I'm on it right now.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh well, I want to be on that fucking thing.

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<v Speaker 3>I've been asking you forever.

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<v Speaker 1>Done, you're on. I mean, we can rub lotion on me.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not doing any of that. Thanks, thanks were wishing

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<v Speaker 1>me a happy birthday, Scott. I'll see you soon, Yes, sir,

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<v Speaker 1>you got it.

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<v Speaker 3>You.

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<v Speaker 1>I haven't called my mother yet. You're called Margo. Let's

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<v Speaker 1>just let's just call her real fast. She never answers anymore.

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<v Speaker 1>She's got her phone on silent. Happy birthday.

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<v Speaker 2>But maybe I wasn't gonna call you. Maybe I was

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<v Speaker 2>it's going to send you a text and say happy birthday.

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<v Speaker 1>You just sent a text. How about a gift? Were

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<v Speaker 1>you planning on sending any gifts?

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<v Speaker 2>No? Even though you're fifty.

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<v Speaker 1>Is that is that amazing that you have a fifty

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<v Speaker 1>year old son.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I have an older daughter.

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<v Speaker 1>Right, but that's less that's less impressive. Biblically, nobody cares

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<v Speaker 1>about the daughters.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, okay, well that's good.

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<v Speaker 1>Happy birthday. Thank you for giving me life and and

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<v Speaker 1>I stayed alive for fifty years, so it's like I

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<v Speaker 1>did my part. You did your part.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, right right, you're a good son.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, Okay, Happy fiftieth birthday, old man.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you, love you, okay, love you bye? Mm hmmm,

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<v Speaker 1>I'd rather get you something. Thank you. Uncomfortable?

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<v Speaker 2>How game works?

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<v Speaker 1>How are you in I'm good man. I'm on your podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah you Eddie and I are just talking to you

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<v Speaker 1>right now. What Eddie? What's up? I gotta call any two.

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<v Speaker 1>But all right, happy birthday. But I'm still sending you

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<v Speaker 1>some shit now that I know it's your birthday. Thank you, Ian.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh but I already got you something I know.

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<v Speaker 1>But I but you gave it to me like weeks ago,

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<v Speaker 1>so it doesn't really count.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, guess what, there's something else here that you don't

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<v Speaker 2>know about. So take that all right, Okay, Happy birthday?

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<v Speaker 1>You love me, I love you.

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<v Speaker 2>Didn't you see my nails?

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<v Speaker 1>She painted her nails and put a d T at

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<v Speaker 1>my initials on one of her nails, like it like

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<v Speaker 1>she's like a seventh grader.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, like a slutty little high school girl. Then the

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<v Speaker 2>other one has a heart.

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<v Speaker 1>Well that's very sweet. Alight, right there, I'll talk to

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<v Speaker 1>you later, okay bye.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh my god, you know you're older than you thought.

0:11:54.720 --> 0:11:59.800
<v Speaker 1>What old was? Yeah? Yeah, it's very true. Oh my god.

0:12:00.840 --> 0:12:03.560
<v Speaker 3>Well you know what I'm gonna be trailing you. I

0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:05.840
<v Speaker 3>got two years to go before I hit the big five?

0:12:05.880 --> 0:12:08.560
<v Speaker 1>Oh are you serious? Yes?

0:12:08.760 --> 0:12:10.280
<v Speaker 3>I know it's crazy, isn't it.

0:12:10.360 --> 0:12:14.120
<v Speaker 1>Oh, You've always been just that up and coming comic.

0:12:14.240 --> 0:12:17.720
<v Speaker 1>To think that you're forty eight now is crazy, dude.

0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:19.880
<v Speaker 3>You know when I really started lying about my age,

0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:20.319
<v Speaker 3>I'm not.

0:12:20.320 --> 0:12:21.320
<v Speaker 1>Even kidding, huh.

0:12:21.440 --> 0:12:24.719
<v Speaker 3>I turned twenty because I thought, oh, I'm not young

0:12:24.840 --> 0:12:29.040
<v Speaker 3>anymore because I started comedy. I'm sixteen, seventeen eighteen. People

0:12:29.120 --> 0:12:32.240
<v Speaker 3>always tell everybody this kid's only eighteen. Then when I

0:12:32.280 --> 0:12:35.160
<v Speaker 3>turned twenty, I'm like, oh, fuck, I better start saying

0:12:35.160 --> 0:12:37.880
<v Speaker 3>I'm better start lying about my age.

0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:40.199
<v Speaker 1>What else? What are you working? What are you doing?

0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:43.480
<v Speaker 3>I'm going to New York in November for the first

0:12:43.520 --> 0:12:47.240
<v Speaker 3>two weeks in November, okay, and I'm doing the show

0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:51.000
<v Speaker 3>like with the big band and everything for literally thirteen

0:12:51.120 --> 0:12:51.640
<v Speaker 3>days straight.

0:12:52.520 --> 0:12:53.240
<v Speaker 1>What's the venue.

0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:56.440
<v Speaker 3>It's Second City in Brooklyn, all.

0:12:56.400 --> 0:12:59.360
<v Speaker 1>Right, Second City in Brooklyn, first two weeks in November.

0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:06.160
<v Speaker 1>You're plugged, Todd. Oh, happy birthday to you. I uh.

0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:07.480
<v Speaker 2>You.

0:13:07.559 --> 0:13:13.839
<v Speaker 1>I'll see you soon, right, guys, I'm exhausted. So what

0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:17.280
<v Speaker 1>what a what a party? Thanks Eddie for being here

0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:20.439
<v Speaker 1>for throwing this surprise party for me. You got me

0:13:20.480 --> 0:13:23.760
<v Speaker 1>a balloon. Carl didn't even stick out stick around the

0:13:23.800 --> 0:13:26.679
<v Speaker 1>whole party. But that's like Carl. Carl, He's not gonna

0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:29.440
<v Speaker 1>He's not the guy that like hangs out till the end.

0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:35.320
<v Speaker 1>He pops in, he pops out. Well, if if my

0:13:35.440 --> 0:13:38.640
<v Speaker 1>next fifty years or anything like my first fifty years,

0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:45.160
<v Speaker 1>I'll be okay with it. Well now, what, what a

0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:47.800
<v Speaker 1>what a great birthday. I can't wait to do it

0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:51.800
<v Speaker 1>again next year. See you next week.