WEBVTT - The Best Of: Checking In - Doing the Work on Ourselves

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<v Speaker 1>Peaks of the planet.

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<v Speaker 2>Charlamagnea god here And as we come closer to closing

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<v Speaker 2>out this year, I just want to say thank you

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<v Speaker 2>for tuning into the Black Effect podcast Network. There have

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<v Speaker 2>been so many great moments over the past year. Take

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<v Speaker 2>a listen to some of those captivating moments in this

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<v Speaker 2>special best of episodes.

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<v Speaker 3>This is the season for seasonal depression. And when I

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<v Speaker 3>look back over the times that I've experienced seasonal depression,

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<v Speaker 3>especially when I was living in Illinois, it was something

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<v Speaker 3>about the changing of the seasons. But now I deal

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<v Speaker 3>with it so much better, especially I live in Georgia.

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<v Speaker 3>I live in Atlanta now, so it doesn't get as

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<v Speaker 3>cold and gloomy it seems. You know, it's been raining

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<v Speaker 3>a lot or windy, but I don't know the weather.

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<v Speaker 3>At least the weather's a little better. But seasonal depression

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<v Speaker 3>and is a real thing. It really does affect people.

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<v Speaker 3>So how do you know if you're going through seasonal depression? Well, literally,

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<v Speaker 3>when the seasons change, you get down and it occurs

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<v Speaker 3>at the same time every year. Seasonal effective disorder occurs

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<v Speaker 3>in climates where there is less sunlight at certain times

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<v Speaker 3>of the year. Okay, so I want to just encourage

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<v Speaker 3>you guys who deal with that. Again, it is triggered

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<v Speaker 3>by changes in season. This form of depression usually occurs

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<v Speaker 3>during the fall and winter months when there is less

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<v Speaker 3>light and the days get shorter, and it's called SAD.

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<v Speaker 3>SAD again, seasonal effective disorder usually lifts during the spring

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<v Speaker 3>and summer months. I promise you it never failed from

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<v Speaker 3>about who November to around March. It definitely affected me

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<v Speaker 3>living in the Midwest with all the snow and so

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<v Speaker 3>you know, I had to get away and get in

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<v Speaker 3>the climate where it was warmer out for me. I

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<v Speaker 3>have to have warmth, even though Atlanta can get cold.

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<v Speaker 3>But yes, that is so true. So during the winter

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<v Speaker 3>months when there's less sunlight and the days get shorter,

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<v Speaker 3>all right not. According to sam HSA dot gov, not

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<v Speaker 3>everyone with SAD has the same symptoms, but they can

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<v Speaker 3>include sad, anxious or empty feelings, feelings of hopelessness, guilt,

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<v Speaker 3>worthlessness or helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure, and activities

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<v Speaker 3>you used to enjoy. Fatigue and decreased energy, difficulty concentrating,

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<v Speaker 3>remembering details and making decisions, thoughts of death or suicide, oversleeping, overeating,

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<v Speaker 3>particularly with the craving for carbohydrates. What if I'm just greedy, honey,

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<v Speaker 3>I love a good Texas toast, honey. Yah, yeah, I

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<v Speaker 3>love just putting bread with butter on it and putting

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<v Speaker 3>it in the oven on the broiler is different than

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<v Speaker 3>putting your toast in a toaster. You gotta let that

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<v Speaker 3>butter kind of bake into and melt into the Breadge out,

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<v Speaker 3>yes and okay, okay, okay, greedy smurf over here.

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<v Speaker 1>Symptoms.

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<v Speaker 3>Let's get back to the symptoms. Weight gain, social withdrawing,

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<v Speaker 3>kind of you feel like hibernating, difficulty sleeping, lack of

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<v Speaker 3>that tiet, irritability, and agitation. Okay. There is a such

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<v Speaker 3>thing as a light. It's called light. It's like light

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<v Speaker 3>therapy or a happy light. You can literally go on

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<v Speaker 3>Amazon and get this light and you can put it

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<v Speaker 3>on your desk, you know, and people absolutely love it.

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<v Speaker 3>Or therapy to antidepressants. Vitamin D supplements may improve symptoms.

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<v Speaker 3>And I don't know. For some reason, I feel like

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<v Speaker 3>I've heard it before that black people are prone to

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<v Speaker 3>having more of a vitamin D deficiencyne So these symptoms

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<v Speaker 3>sound similar and are exactly what depression is. It is

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<v Speaker 3>a form it is a form of depression, all right.

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<v Speaker 3>So and if you notice that you literally get sad

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<v Speaker 3>in the fall and it lasts till about the springtime,

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<v Speaker 3>it literally is called sad. Now, light therapy. Let's go

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<v Speaker 3>talk about light therapy. Okay, there literally is a light

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<v Speaker 3>therapy lamp. Y'all their online for as low. I see

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<v Speaker 3>one for twenty nine to ninety nine child at CBS.

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<v Speaker 3>You can get go on Amazon right now and get

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<v Speaker 3>you a light therapy lamp fifty one dollars, thirty nine dollars,

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<v Speaker 3>twenty dollars, thirty dollars, seventy dollars.

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<v Speaker 2>Child.

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<v Speaker 3>They got light therapy lamps in all brackets as far

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<v Speaker 3>as you know what you would want to pay for it.

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<v Speaker 3>But I always say, definitely consult your doctor first. And

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<v Speaker 3>I am dealing with sad at the moment, but I

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<v Speaker 3>still think I'm gonna order me a lamp, child, And

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<v Speaker 3>that's why I love. I love. I think, you know,

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<v Speaker 3>having doing you know Florida ceiling windows, being able to

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<v Speaker 3>have a lot of light come in come in in

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<v Speaker 3>your house, having a lot of light in. Now, if

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<v Speaker 3>you walk around your house naked all the time, you

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<v Speaker 3>might want to, you know, get you some shears, or

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<v Speaker 3>maybe you don't care. Maybe you're free, maybe you don't

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<v Speaker 3>mind people walking down the street and they look in

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<v Speaker 3>your condo or your brownstone, your apartment and see your

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<v Speaker 3>sweet cheeks in the window because you like to walk

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<v Speaker 3>around naked in e KK I D So I definitely

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<v Speaker 3>wanted to speak into those that have sad. I have

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<v Speaker 3>had it. It is not fun, especially when you already

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<v Speaker 3>you know, I have dealt with depression in the past that.

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<v Speaker 1>Had nothing to do with this season.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, I've had depression in July, and you know,

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<v Speaker 3>so I get it. But again I do. I do

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<v Speaker 3>know what sad feels like. I could call oh and

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<v Speaker 3>maybe about two years ago I could feel it trying

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<v Speaker 3>to come on, and I was like, uh so, now

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<v Speaker 3>that I know what it is, and if I feel

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<v Speaker 3>something similar, I just counter it. I was like, no,

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<v Speaker 3>And that's the good thing about having the tools, you know,

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<v Speaker 3>going through enough therapy, going through enough healing. You know,

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<v Speaker 3>if I didn't have enough healing, you know, I would

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<v Speaker 3>probably be in a moment of sad. But now when

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<v Speaker 3>it's cloudy out, I pray for rain, like, oh Lord,

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<v Speaker 3>let the rain come and wash this patio of you know,

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<v Speaker 3>if it's cloudy, like all right, even though it's caudy,

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<v Speaker 3>I know the sun is still shining up there somewhere,

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<v Speaker 3>and that's for life. It may seem cloudy, it may

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<v Speaker 3>seem dim, but just know the sun is still up there.

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<v Speaker 3>I began to think about the difference between living and

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<v Speaker 3>existing and just trying to gauge the areas that I've

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<v Speaker 3>just been existing in and areas that I think I'm

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<v Speaker 3>thriving in. Thriving and living because life is going to

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<v Speaker 3>always present a set of challenges, and my desire is

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<v Speaker 3>for divine strategy and divine wisdom on how to navigate

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<v Speaker 3>the obstacles.

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<v Speaker 1>And challenges that come my way.

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<v Speaker 3>Not only divine wisdom and strategies on how to overcome

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<v Speaker 3>those those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord, place divine

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<v Speaker 3>help around me. But that is going to require trust,

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<v Speaker 3>which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh,

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<v Speaker 3>I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years

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<v Speaker 3>because of my lack of trust. And I've got to

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<v Speaker 3>get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity

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<v Speaker 3>not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to

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<v Speaker 3>work for me and think they have to perform for

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<v Speaker 3>my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let

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<v Speaker 3>me do this to make sure that she no, no,

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<v Speaker 3>no, no no. I want you to be you. And I've

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<v Speaker 3>been reading this book. It's a brand new book by

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<v Speaker 3>doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry

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<v Speaker 3>Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People

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<v Speaker 3>and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries.

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<v Speaker 3>He's got a boundaries and dating boundary. I mean, just

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<v Speaker 3>so many. He's the bomb, amazing great psychologist, but he

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<v Speaker 3>talks to you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana,

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<v Speaker 3>so he's got a definite down to earth approach. And

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<v Speaker 3>the subtitle of his book Trust is called Knowing when

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<v Speaker 3>to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it,

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<v Speaker 3>and how to fix it when it gets broken. So

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<v Speaker 3>I'm going to dive into some of those excerpts later.

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<v Speaker 3>But I was trying to just figure out areas that

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<v Speaker 3>I'm thriving in and then areas where man, have I

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<v Speaker 3>just gotten so numb in certain areas? And so I

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<v Speaker 3>just felt led to encourage some folks out there who

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<v Speaker 3>are kind of walking through life a little numb because

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<v Speaker 3>that's how you chosen to protect yourself. You know, like

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<v Speaker 3>when you go to the doctor and they have to

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<v Speaker 3>give you a shot, or you're getting some dental work

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<v Speaker 3>done and you gotta get a shot, so they'll numb

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<v Speaker 3>the area, and it's kind of like for your protection.

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<v Speaker 1>So that you don't feel the pain. I will never forget.

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<v Speaker 3>A couple of years ago, I had a dream that

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<v Speaker 3>I was being rolled into a surgical room and I

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<v Speaker 3>was getting surgery or they were gonna cut a leg

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<v Speaker 3>or something, but they did not want to give me anesthesia.

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<v Speaker 3>And I remember I kept screaming, I don't want to

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<v Speaker 3>feel the pain. I don't want to feel the pain.

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<v Speaker 3>I don't want to feel the pain. Like, bro, give

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<v Speaker 3>me medicine, give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes,

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<v Speaker 3>numbing the area that's painful before you put a needle

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<v Speaker 3>lined or do surgery or whatever.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's good.

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<v Speaker 3>It is a form of protection so that we're not

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<v Speaker 3>terrorized by pain later, so that we're not terrorized to

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<v Speaker 3>go to the doctor, you know, for surgery or to

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<v Speaker 3>get you know, a shot or medicine, and you got

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<v Speaker 3>to get an IV I get it, I get it,

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<v Speaker 3>But there are some times where you're gonna actually have

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<v Speaker 3>to feel the pain in order to heal the pain.

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<v Speaker 3>I cannot heal something that I don't feel. You cannot

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<v Speaker 3>walk around numb your entire life, because to me, when

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<v Speaker 3>you're walking around numb, that means there's some areas of healing.

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<v Speaker 3>And I think we lessen the quality of life when

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<v Speaker 3>we walk around just so numb and we just want

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<v Speaker 3>to be so disassociated. And actually, disassociation is actually a

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<v Speaker 3>trauma response. It's what is happening to you as you

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<v Speaker 3>are being abused or in an unsafe environment. You literally

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<v Speaker 3>mentally disassociate yourself. It's like out of body. I don't

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<v Speaker 3>want to see it. I don't want to hear it,

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<v Speaker 3>I don't want to feel it. I remember back in

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<v Speaker 3>twenty eighteen, I had a moment of disassociation, and I

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<v Speaker 3>don't remember the phone calls made to me. I don't

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<v Speaker 3>remember anything that I even did in that period of time.

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<v Speaker 1>So you can chucks.

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<v Speaker 3>It could be disassociation, or it could even be a

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<v Speaker 3>psychotic break, like you're so traumatized, you just now. This

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<v Speaker 3>is different to me blacking out to do harm to

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<v Speaker 3>somebody else. I'm talking about what happens when something has

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<v Speaker 3>been done to you, or you've gotten some news that

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<v Speaker 3>you just couldn't handle. Have you ever seen a love

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<v Speaker 3>doing or maybe yourself when you got news that someone

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<v Speaker 3>passed away and it was unexpected and you pass out,

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<v Speaker 3>You black out, you don't remember anything right. But then

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<v Speaker 3>there's sometimes where we are aware of the moment, but

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<v Speaker 3>for the future, we just do things in our life

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<v Speaker 3>where we're like, you know, I don't want to feel

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<v Speaker 3>the pain. It's because you don't want to feel the pain.

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<v Speaker 3>You won't go over grandma's house anymore because y'all are

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<v Speaker 3>so close, and when she passed away, you just can't.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't want to feel the pain. You don't want to.

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<v Speaker 3>You don't want to smell fried chicken no more because

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<v Speaker 3>it reminds you of your best friend, because y'all used

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<v Speaker 3>to smoke weed and eat chicken wings when you had

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<v Speaker 3>the munchies.

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<v Speaker 1>And now they're no longer here.

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<v Speaker 3>Or you're even grieving someone who's actually maybe y'all broke

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<v Speaker 3>up and you just want to disassociate yourself from the memories,

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<v Speaker 3>or you want to disassociate yourself from.

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<v Speaker 1>The pain that they caused you.

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<v Speaker 3>I get it, but we got to heal that pain

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<v Speaker 3>so we can be able to feel the wind on

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<v Speaker 3>our cheeks, the sun beat on our face. You want

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<v Speaker 3>to be able to feel the love that someone else

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<v Speaker 3>is trying to give you, but because you're so blocked off,

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<v Speaker 3>you can't feel love.

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<v Speaker 1>And I know you ain't giving love.

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<v Speaker 3>So I just wanted to speak into that. You know,

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<v Speaker 3>and sometimes in order to feel the pain to heal it,

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<v Speaker 3>I would encourage you to unpack that pain with someone,

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<v Speaker 3>a professional or someone that you deem safe. I don't

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<v Speaker 3>know if y'all have been following me on social media,

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<v Speaker 3>but I have really been about safe people and boundaries.

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<v Speaker 3>And someone asks me, how do you know if you're

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<v Speaker 3>honoring your boundaries? On the post where I said are

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<v Speaker 3>you a safe person to yourself? I said, I know

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<v Speaker 3>being around safe people, being in relationship with safe people

0:15:49.480 --> 0:15:52.359
<v Speaker 3>is wise, but are you a safe person to yourself?

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<v Speaker 3>Do you give yourself grace? Do you honor your boundaries?

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<v Speaker 3>So someone asks me a really, really, really good question,

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<v Speaker 3>what's an example of honoring my boundaries? So even at

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<v Speaker 3>the podcast festival, I brought this up. Honoring your boundaries

0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:17.200
<v Speaker 3>looks like this. Some of you are getting good at

0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:21.800
<v Speaker 3>maybe setting boundaries with family members, because family members, especially

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<v Speaker 3>when you're on a healing journey, when you've been to therapy,

0:16:25.440 --> 0:16:28.040
<v Speaker 3>or when you've become self aware, when you're to the

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<v Speaker 3>place of okay. I will not tolerate disrespect in any form.

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<v Speaker 3>I don't care from who, because I even feel like family,

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<v Speaker 3>especially people from the older generation, feel like they can

0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:43.640
<v Speaker 3>talk to you any kind of way, and they use

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<v Speaker 3>the excuse, honey, I'm old, tiney, so I can say

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<v Speaker 3>whatever I want. No, just because you're seventy years old

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<v Speaker 3>does not mean you can talk to me or my children,

0:16:52.040 --> 0:16:56.480
<v Speaker 3>or my husband or wife, my dog. You just can't

0:16:56.520 --> 0:16:59.040
<v Speaker 3>talk to us any kind of way. I feel like

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<v Speaker 3>if you're twenty years old, seventy years old, ninety years old,

0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:06.840
<v Speaker 3>that there is just a certain way you talk to people. Now,

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<v Speaker 3>I have some relatives who are a little unfiltered, but

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<v Speaker 3>because I know the posture of their heart, I don't

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<v Speaker 3>necessarily get offended. But there are some people who are

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<v Speaker 3>unfiltered who want to be malicious. They use their mouths

0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:31.200
<v Speaker 3>as swords, as knives, as daggers. That's when it becomes problematic.

0:17:31.760 --> 0:17:35.199
<v Speaker 3>Now you can probably identify one or two people in

0:17:35.240 --> 0:17:37.400
<v Speaker 3>your family or friend circle.

0:17:38.240 --> 0:17:39.000
<v Speaker 1>There are some of.

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<v Speaker 3>Y'all, even me, who are like, you know what, I

0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:45.440
<v Speaker 3>can only be around so and so for about thirty minutes.

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<v Speaker 1>So the boundary is you set a boundary.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, I'm gonna go to this family picnic and I'm

0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:56.520
<v Speaker 3>gonna only stay for thirty minutes. You have set a

0:17:56.560 --> 0:17:59.879
<v Speaker 3>boundary because you know that after you being somewhere for

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<v Speaker 3>thirty minutes, somebody starts acting a fool, or they start

0:18:04.480 --> 0:18:07.400
<v Speaker 3>asking you questions, because once they get comfortable, it's kind

0:18:07.400 --> 0:18:09.400
<v Speaker 3>of like they real you in and get comfortable, then

0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:14.840
<v Speaker 3>they start being disrespectful. So honoring your boundaries also means, Okay,

0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:18.159
<v Speaker 3>I'm gonna go to the wedding, even though my family crazy,

0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:21.119
<v Speaker 3>I'm gonna go to this wedding, but I know of

0:18:21.280 --> 0:18:26.239
<v Speaker 3>AIN'TI So and so says something to me disrespectful. I

0:18:26.280 --> 0:18:29.399
<v Speaker 3>am going to say so and so this is disrespectful.

0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:33.040
<v Speaker 3>Or you may say, if someone gets disrespectful, I'm going

0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:37.760
<v Speaker 3>to leave. That is your boundary. So once someone gets disrespectful,

0:18:38.160 --> 0:18:42.320
<v Speaker 3>you pick up your handbag or your pocket book or

0:18:42.359 --> 0:18:46.720
<v Speaker 3>your what do you call it, your knapsack or whatever

0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:49.560
<v Speaker 3>it is that folks are wearing nowadays, and you exit

0:18:49.600 --> 0:18:51.720
<v Speaker 3>stage left, you get in your card, and you go home.

0:18:52.720 --> 0:18:56.600
<v Speaker 3>That's what honoring your boundaries mean. Also, honoring your boundaries

0:18:56.600 --> 0:19:00.840
<v Speaker 3>could be as simple as somebody you that's listening right now.

0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:06.800
<v Speaker 3>You might have somebody who's always negative. They get on

0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:10.480
<v Speaker 3>the phone and you might say, honoring a boundary is

0:19:11.080 --> 0:19:13.040
<v Speaker 3>I'm only talking to so and so for five minutes,

0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:16.360
<v Speaker 3>because when six minutes hits, they just gonna start being

0:19:16.400 --> 0:19:20.000
<v Speaker 3>negative and complaining, and they're never They never want a

0:19:20.040 --> 0:19:23.200
<v Speaker 3>solution anyway. They just want to vent and complain and gossip.

0:19:24.240 --> 0:19:25.359
<v Speaker 1>A boundary is.

0:19:26.840 --> 0:19:29.560
<v Speaker 3>I don't want to completely exit their life, nor do

0:19:29.600 --> 0:19:31.000
<v Speaker 3>I want them to exit my life.

0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:32.359
<v Speaker 1>I just know that I can.

0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:35.359
<v Speaker 3>Only be around so and so for about five minutes

0:19:35.400 --> 0:19:37.160
<v Speaker 3>because then it goes left.

0:19:37.760 --> 0:19:40.159
<v Speaker 1>That's a boundary.

0:19:40.400 --> 0:19:47.240
<v Speaker 3>So I have been reading something by Lisa Arbiter, but

0:19:48.240 --> 0:19:54.440
<v Speaker 3>therapists Nedra Glover Tawab talks about boundaries.

0:19:55.040 --> 0:19:58.080
<v Speaker 1>She's the author of Set Boundaries.

0:19:57.520 --> 0:20:03.919
<v Speaker 3>Fine Piece, a Guide to rea Claiming Yourself Okay. Boundary

0:20:03.960 --> 0:20:08.080
<v Speaker 3>setting is a form of self care that's just as

0:20:08.119 --> 0:20:14.480
<v Speaker 3>important as eating well and getting enough sleep. We treat

0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:19.520
<v Speaker 3>self care as an optional practice, y'all. Boundary setting should

0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:25.919
<v Speaker 3>not be optional. Okay, it should not be optional. So

0:20:26.600 --> 0:20:30.040
<v Speaker 3>I love how you know. She talks about the best

0:20:30.080 --> 0:20:36.159
<v Speaker 3>way to express boundaries. She says, communicate clearly and follow

0:20:36.320 --> 0:20:40.439
<v Speaker 3>up diligently. Keep your message short and to the point.

0:20:41.000 --> 0:20:44.199
<v Speaker 3>She says, state your boundary in one or two sentences.

0:20:44.720 --> 0:20:47.960
<v Speaker 3>She says, stick to This is my solution for this issue.

0:20:48.000 --> 0:20:51.480
<v Speaker 3>For instance, I'm happy to travel to your family's house

0:20:51.520 --> 0:20:54.560
<v Speaker 3>on Thanksgiving, but I don't want to stay the entire weekend.

0:20:54.920 --> 0:20:57.040
<v Speaker 3>I need some time to decompress.

0:20:57.720 --> 0:20:59.240
<v Speaker 1>She says. Don't bring up the past.

0:20:59.320 --> 0:21:01.280
<v Speaker 3>You don't have to say that time you made us

0:21:01.320 --> 0:21:03.320
<v Speaker 3>stay ten days was miserable. She said, you don't have

0:21:03.359 --> 0:21:04.919
<v Speaker 3>to do that because, she said, that can cause an

0:21:05.000 --> 0:21:09.399
<v Speaker 3>unnecessary argument and derail your conversation. And don't tack on

0:21:09.560 --> 0:21:13.399
<v Speaker 3>too many details, which may obscure your point entirely.

0:21:13.840 --> 0:21:14.320
<v Speaker 1>She says.

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<v Speaker 3>Once the boundary is set, you need to reinforce it,

0:21:17.480 --> 0:21:22.560
<v Speaker 3>which might mean repeating yourself several times. She also says,

0:21:22.920 --> 0:21:25.400
<v Speaker 3>you know, how do you get started? You know, choose

0:21:25.440 --> 0:21:28.240
<v Speaker 3>a few non negotiables, like I take a walk every

0:21:28.320 --> 0:21:31.120
<v Speaker 3>day at lunch, or I set aside time to sit

0:21:31.160 --> 0:21:36.360
<v Speaker 3>in silence every morning and do them without apology. Schedule

0:21:36.359 --> 0:21:39.640
<v Speaker 3>them in your calendar if you need to. Self care

0:21:39.720 --> 0:21:46.360
<v Speaker 3>practices are most effective when done daily, but every bit count.

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<v Speaker 2>Once again, thank you for tuning into the BLACKFG podcast Network.

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<v Speaker 2>See You Are twenty twenty five for more great moments

0:21:52.119 --> 0:21:53.160
<v Speaker 2>from your favorite podcast