Speaker 1: Welcome to Go ask Ali, a production of Shonda Land
Speaker 1: Audio and partnership with I Heart Radio. I think, like
Speaker 1: evor ginas have a lot to say. I think we
Speaker 1: should let them speak out of it and they'll just talk. Yes,
Speaker 1: one of the hardest things to absorb for those who
Speaker 1: are new to these kinds of fights. Again, if we
Speaker 1: want all of them, we wouldn't be here. If you
Speaker 1: see a monster, don't try to run away, step right
Speaker 1: up to it and say what do you have to
Speaker 1: teach me? Why are you? In my mind, I want
Speaker 1: to be the person who has cancer and doesn't run
Speaker 1: a marathon, Like do I have to work that hard? No,
Speaker 1: it's the best excuse not to run a marathon. Welcome
Speaker 1: to Go ask Alli. I'm Ali Wentworth and I'm very
Speaker 1: excited today because Dr Adolph Brown I call him Doc Brown,
Speaker 1: is on Go ask Alle today. And I met Doc
Speaker 1: about four or five months ago because we did an
Speaker 1: ABC Prime time together called The parent Test, and he
Speaker 1: is an incredibly special human being, a master class teacher
Speaker 1: on all things to do with parenting. And we host
Speaker 1: the show together that deals with what are the best
Speaker 1: parenting types? And over the weeks that we shot the show.
Speaker 1: Doc and I had many discussions about how kids these
Speaker 1: days are dealing with anxiety, with schooling, with politics, with
Speaker 1: peer pressure, bullying, social media, and so I wanted to
Speaker 1: have Doc on today because I wanted to talk to
Speaker 1: him about what he's feeling as a practitioner out in
Speaker 1: the world when it comes to parenting and children. So
Speaker 1: I'm not going to waste any more time. Dr Adolph
Speaker 1: Brown is an educational and clinical psychologist, master teacher, author, researcher, entrepreneur, consultant,
Speaker 1: and an influence a voice in the fields of education,
Speaker 1: human behavior, and neuroscience. And he is, as I said before,
Speaker 1: my spectacular co host on our new television show, The
Speaker 1: Parent Test on ABC Prime Time, which premieres drum Roll tonight,
Speaker 1: and Doc Brown is a real star. Hey Doc Brown,
Speaker 1: Hey Ali, how are you. I'm good. So our show
Speaker 1: is premiering tonight, which is very exciting. I am excited.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I've been waiting for this and I've
Speaker 1: been having to keep it a secret. So and we
Speaker 1: haven't seen it. You and I haven't seen it, so
Speaker 1: we don't know how they edited together. We might not
Speaker 1: be in it um. But regardless of the show, we
Speaker 1: had so many interesting conversations at breaks and at lunch,
Speaker 1: and you are just a vault of knowledge and so
Speaker 1: many things when it comes to parenting and and kid raising,
Speaker 1: and so I really want to devote this podcast to
Speaker 1: your specialty and what you're so great at. Do you
Speaker 1: find with the people that you talked to, with the
Speaker 1: parents that there's sort of an undercurrent of anxiety and
Speaker 1: is that being passed on to their kids? Certainly? I
Speaker 1: I see it in our business. I see it in
Speaker 1: the focus groups that I conduct all over our country.
Speaker 1: I jokingly said recently that the USA could easily stand
Speaker 1: for the United States of anxiety based on everything that's
Speaker 1: going on around us and Ali, one of the things
Speaker 1: that we forget as parents sometimes is that we are
Speaker 1: our children's first teachers. And when I say that is
Speaker 1: that from pretty much birth to adulthood, they're taking their
Speaker 1: cues from us more as caught than as taught in parenting.
Speaker 1: So they're watching us. So first things first is taking
Speaker 1: care of ourselves, and if if we aren't taking care
Speaker 1: of our emotional health, is sending signs to them not
Speaker 1: only is it contagious, but they're also seeing that it's
Speaker 1: not something that is necessarily valued, And it's kind of
Speaker 1: like the parent who focuses more on the child's academic
Speaker 1: achievements than the child's emotional health. So we have to
Speaker 1: really get back to first things first. So do you
Speaker 1: think that right now? Certainly parents have a lot of anxiety,
Speaker 1: whether that be about global warming or Russia, their own jobs,
Speaker 1: their own income, gas prices, all of it. When they
Speaker 1: get tight and anxious, their kids are absorbing all of that, definitely,
Speaker 1: So what do we do as parents? Do we hide it? Like,
Speaker 1: how do we process it for ourselves without affecting our kids? Well, Ali,
Speaker 1: I write about this and I call it too backpacks,
Speaker 1: And I call it to backpacks because there's one that
Speaker 1: we have that we don't mind the world seeing, and
Speaker 1: then there's that second one, that invisible one. And you
Speaker 1: did a phenomenal show on this recently about secrets, and
Speaker 1: I constantly say that we're only as sick as our secrets,
Speaker 1: things that we don't want anyone to know about. Meaning
Speaker 1: it's just like a little like children. When children don't
Speaker 1: talk things out, they don't talk out their frustrations and
Speaker 1: agitations and irritations, they eventually act them out. And that's
Speaker 1: not just for children. That's where adults too, So I
Speaker 1: encourage adults to reveal what's in their backpacks, even if
Speaker 1: it's only to them, reveal it to yourself to heal it.
Speaker 1: It does. It does actually make me think of so
Speaker 1: many of these children that get involved. You know, of course,
Speaker 1: there's mental health issues that get involved in these school shootings.
Speaker 1: You know, because they have that second backpack that it's
Speaker 1: full of all kinds of stuff that they haven't dealt
Speaker 1: with and processed and exactly anyway, And what I'm saying
Speaker 1: for parents is that as long as we continue to
Speaker 1: put stuff in our backpacks, I mean, from the pandemic,
Speaker 1: they told us it was going to be two weeks.
Speaker 1: Most people said they could use a two week break,
Speaker 1: but they ended up being in three years. So all
Speaker 1: the other stuff that we carried on a regular basis,
Speaker 1: then with the pandemic coming along, we stick other stuff
Speaker 1: in from emotional stress, from the divide that was happening
Speaker 1: in our world. We were getting sick, our children were
Speaker 1: getting sick, loved ones were dying. All of that stuff
Speaker 1: eventually comes out alley, And what happens is we allow
Speaker 1: our personal storms to get our children wet mhm. And
Speaker 1: and when that happens, you know, it's no good for
Speaker 1: the family. We can't heal what we don't reveal. We
Speaker 1: have to open our backpacks and process that stuff that's
Speaker 1: in them. And it's not just all the things around
Speaker 1: us island. I mean, yeah, of course we can talk
Speaker 1: about all the decisions that are being made politically that
Speaker 1: are really hurting our society, but we can also add
Speaker 1: the fact parenting is stressful and and all the other
Speaker 1: stresses that come on a in a personal level. So
Speaker 1: all of that combine leads to or can ley to
Speaker 1: be an overwhelmed and frustrated anxiety depression. And our children
Speaker 1: are are oftentimes um victims of our inability to take
Speaker 1: care of our emotional health. And so how so we
Speaker 1: should shield them from it a little bit? Right? No,
Speaker 1: I don't agree that we should shill them. In fact, Ali,
Speaker 1: one of the things that it's kind of backfiring in
Speaker 1: the generation that we have today is that when we
Speaker 1: say shill them from it, what happens I hear we're
Speaker 1: stealing their heart. And when you steal your child's hard
Speaker 1: it oftentimes prevents the child from developing resiliency, It prevents
Speaker 1: the child from understated ending that things can be hard
Speaker 1: in life and failure can be a part of success.
Speaker 1: So when we shield our children, sometimes we can actually
Speaker 1: harm them. Because growth mindset is a big deal. You know,
Speaker 1: it leads to all kinds of great things as children,
Speaker 1: but it's a it's a skill that can easily be
Speaker 1: carried into adulthood for success as an adult. So I
Speaker 1: don't believe in shielding. I believe in parents allowing their
Speaker 1: children to see them work through their crisis. So when
Speaker 1: they can see that their parents have crises, but their
Speaker 1: parents work through that, their parents don't run from it,
Speaker 1: their parents aren't afraid of it, it's somewhat normalizes it
Speaker 1: and kind of like what we do with mental health today.
Speaker 1: Now we can talk about it openly, it's not it
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily have that stigma that it once did because
Speaker 1: we're talking about it. So, you know, I think when
Speaker 1: children realize that we're human, right, that it allows them
Speaker 1: to be human as well. What are some of the
Speaker 1: things that you see as sort of parenting fails as
Speaker 1: cautionary tales. You have eight kids, You've had a lot
Speaker 1: of practice, that's right, thirty three Ali Ali, I would
Speaker 1: say one of the first things. One of the first
Speaker 1: things I would tell parents is parents, the child you have,
Speaker 1: not the one you wish you had. And what that
Speaker 1: basically means is, oftentimes, as parents we project things that
Speaker 1: happened to us in our childhood onto our children, or
Speaker 1: we want to live vicariously through our children. So we
Speaker 1: should parent the child that's in front of us, not
Speaker 1: that one that's in our head. I would also let
Speaker 1: parents know that if if I had to kind of
Speaker 1: just say, what parenting is all about. It's about guarding
Speaker 1: and guiding our children. It's not about making decisions for them.
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, we all have free
Speaker 1: will HM. So it's important that as parents we don't
Speaker 1: tether ourselves to the choices our children make. Now that's
Speaker 1: a two way street. So I have a daughter who's
Speaker 1: an epidemiologist and went to an Ivy League school. Will
Speaker 1: you pen Leah did that. I didn't do that. She studied,
Speaker 1: she applied, she did that. But I also told you
Speaker 1: I had a daughter that had a d U I
Speaker 1: she's never seen me drink and drive. So as parents,
Speaker 1: we shouldn't tether ourselves to the choices our children make.
Speaker 1: And I see parents that do that quite a bit.
Speaker 1: They own it and it's hard not to, but we
Speaker 1: do have to remember their separate human beings. But don't
Speaker 1: we come into parenting with our own baggage. I mean,
Speaker 1: I sometimes think that George and I parent through, you know,
Speaker 1: the cracks we fell in as kids. So, you know,
Speaker 1: my parents were divorced and they were sort of off
Speaker 1: having other families and doing their careers, and because of it,
Speaker 1: I didn't get a lot of attention. And I think,
Speaker 1: you know, I am a little bit of a helicopter
Speaker 1: parent now because of it, you know, because I'm trying
Speaker 1: to sort of fill that hole in them when when
Speaker 1: it's really my whole to fill exactly, Ali, we call
Speaker 1: that ghost and the nursery. And what the ghost the
Speaker 1: nursery is is that second backpack, That second backpack that
Speaker 1: we haven't resolved eventually comes out. It doesn't just stay
Speaker 1: in there, it comes out, and we call those projections
Speaker 1: are unresolved. Rejections can be projected on our children, and
Speaker 1: they often are. What we have to realize is that
Speaker 1: every child is a study of one, and that's what
Speaker 1: makes parenting so challenging. That's whether you have one to
Speaker 1: three or eight they're each different and not only different today,
Speaker 1: but they grow and they become different, and we're and
Speaker 1: we're different parents. So so it's really really important that
Speaker 1: we recognize that the stuff that we're carrying, I mean,
Speaker 1: we have to really explore the stuff that we're bringing
Speaker 1: into parenthood. And and it gives the children the space
Speaker 1: to truly become who they're meant to be as opposed
Speaker 1: to who we want them to become, because otherwise you're
Speaker 1: just creating generations of reacting. You know. So I'm reacting
Speaker 1: to my parents, and then my children will react to me,
Speaker 1: and then it just goes I mean, and that goes
Speaker 1: with trauma, but it goes with all of it, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean that if you just continue this
Speaker 1: bloodline of of reacting to how you are parented. Um.
Speaker 1: And it's funny because I in my house, I have
Speaker 1: two daughters raised by the same parents in the same house.
Speaker 1: They ate the same meals, you know, they were put
Speaker 1: in the same clothes, and they are so different. And
Speaker 1: George and I have to wear two completely different hats
Speaker 1: when we parent each of them, you know, and they
Speaker 1: they need completely different tools as well. Well. Ali, I
Speaker 1: tell you, if I had to take every parent book
Speaker 1: that I've ever read, or even the ones that I've written.
Speaker 1: I think it can boil down to like five f's.
Speaker 1: And that's kind of what I talk about at parent universities.
Speaker 1: And of course I start with the first F that
Speaker 1: we sometimes overlook. But that's fun. You know, Einstein said
Speaker 1: it much better than I could ever say it. He said,
Speaker 1: creativity is intelligence having fun. So fun is an authentic
Speaker 1: part of learning and should be. So, you know, how
Speaker 1: do I children learn about fun from us? Uh? They
Speaker 1: see a smile, you know, and smile the training wheels
Speaker 1: for laughter. They we hugged them, we touched them, we
Speaker 1: embraced them. When we discipline, we were teaching them as
Speaker 1: opposed to punishing. So that first stuff is fun. That
Speaker 1: second F it's fair, being fair, understanding that every child
Speaker 1: is a study of one. It would be great if
Speaker 1: one rule could apply to all the children, but it
Speaker 1: doesn't because they're all different, exactly. And the one rule
Speaker 1: doesn't apply to if you have one child, because that
Speaker 1: child will change and the rules should change as well
Speaker 1: be adjusted. Um, So I'd say fair fun firm. Firm
Speaker 1: is kind of where we dropped the ball today. We're
Speaker 1: in the social emotional learning environment where we're understanding where
Speaker 1: children's behavior is coming from. But it's also important to
Speaker 1: understand that there's certain behaviors that still need to be corrected.
Speaker 1: So when I talk to parents about being firm, I
Speaker 1: tell them every child needs consistency structure, limits and boundaries.
Speaker 1: Regardless of the age. Consistency structure livings abound, and it
Speaker 1: may look different, but every child needs it. And I
Speaker 1: tell people my mom didn't necessarily say it that way.
Speaker 1: My mom would say Burger King may have great burgers,
Speaker 1: but you can't have it your way. It meant the
Speaker 1: same thing great, so that I would say, Um, it's
Speaker 1: okay to be flexible as parents. And sometimes we say,
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's hard to be because we think
Speaker 1: that we're giving in or we're compromising too much. But
Speaker 1: you know that treat that doesn't bend in a strong wind,
Speaker 1: we all know it breaks. And I've heard you mentioned Ali,
Speaker 1: which was phenomenal about how the pandemic made you look
Speaker 1: at your children's digital advices differently, and and and and
Speaker 1: how you had to be flexible and adapt based on
Speaker 1: what was going on around you and um, and then
Speaker 1: lastly Ali, Um I'd leave it for last, but I say,
Speaker 1: first things first, none of this matters if you're not
Speaker 1: taking care of yourself as a parent. When you say
Speaker 1: self care and taking care of yourself as a parent,
Speaker 1: what do you mean exactly? Well, Ali, I asked parents
Speaker 1: this question. Um, I say, if I ask you to
Speaker 1: write down all that you love, how long would it
Speaker 1: take you to add your name to that list? And
Speaker 1: then I say how many of you even thought of yourselves?
Speaker 1: And those parents don't raise their hands, So then I
Speaker 1: tell them this doesn't work unless your name is at
Speaker 1: the top of the list. That's so interesting. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: didn't even occur to me to write myself. I mean,
Speaker 1: I mean it didn't especially, but I think I think
Speaker 1: that the majority of women would say that too. You're
Speaker 1: just you know, as soon as you have children, and
Speaker 1: I can't speak for men, but you know, as a woman,
Speaker 1: you go, oh, this is now my main focus. It's
Speaker 1: not me anymore. It's it's my children, and it's you know,
Speaker 1: feeding them and sheltering them. And you lose yourself completely
Speaker 1: if you if you don't sort of every day tap
Speaker 1: into your own needs, you have to Yeah, yeh, there's
Speaker 1: a lot more to come after the short break and
Speaker 1: we're back all doc, Yes, I'm listening. You bring up
Speaker 1: an excellent point there that we don't talk about enough
Speaker 1: when you say that women immediately own it and and
Speaker 1: the research supports that. However, um, women have to be
Speaker 1: very careful in the family dynamic not to over function,
Speaker 1: and over functioning what happens sometimes is that the dad's
Speaker 1: will become periphal. And it's not necessarily that all dads
Speaker 1: want to be periphical, but if mom's going to take
Speaker 1: the kids to ballet and and and help with homework,
Speaker 1: and you know, sometimes it's difficult to find your space
Speaker 1: as a dad, and so so it's a balancing game.
Speaker 1: And again, like I said, there are many men who
Speaker 1: want to be a part of you know, taking them
Speaker 1: around and spending time with them. But when mom owns
Speaker 1: all of that and that mom gets her her self
Speaker 1: esteem and self concept from that is very difficult sometimes
Speaker 1: for dad to become a part of that. And by
Speaker 1: the way, I'm not even talking about heteronormative relationships. I
Speaker 1: know a lot of a lot of gay men and
Speaker 1: one of them takes on that role and it's the
Speaker 1: same dynamic. Thank you exactly, And I'm also noticing that
Speaker 1: a lot of women I know who are becoming empty nesters,
Speaker 1: and I'm you know, right on the verge of becoming one.
Speaker 1: You know, the ones that have been overly functioning as
Speaker 1: the sort of main nucleus of the family, They're the
Speaker 1: ones suffering the most now from empty nesting because they've
Speaker 1: projected all their self worth on the rearing of the children.
Speaker 1: And the women that tried to find a balance between
Speaker 1: career and also being a present parent are having less
Speaker 1: of a hard time. And and let me ask you this,
Speaker 1: So when you say I put myself at the top
Speaker 1: of the list when you talk about self care, I
Speaker 1: assume that you're talking about a parent who is um
Speaker 1: physically strong, they're emotionally strong, and probably have other interests
Speaker 1: outside of being a parent that sort of stimulates other
Speaker 1: parts of their brain. Spot on Ali and and and Ali.
Speaker 1: What happens when when parents own the parenting ideology and
Speaker 1: everything that goes with it before everything else. The latest
Speaker 1: research on divorce shows that it's right around the twenty
Speaker 1: one year mark. So what is being talked about is
Speaker 1: that parents are waiting to the children are older to
Speaker 1: make those decisions. However, they've really lost the connection, you know,
Speaker 1: years before that, to the extent that they become parents
Speaker 1: as opposed to spouses. When empty nest comes along, you
Speaker 1: no longer have anything in common with your spouse. I've
Speaker 1: seen that a lot, by the way, and I've also
Speaker 1: been very aware of it in my own marriage, because
Speaker 1: especially if one or both of the parents are working
Speaker 1: and you have the kids, the marriage seems to be
Speaker 1: the thing that gets the least amount of attention. It's
Speaker 1: the most anemic part of the body of the family
Speaker 1: because I have to check in with my husband all
Speaker 1: the time, because it ends up being a very transactionary
Speaker 1: relationship where basically all you're doing is saying, did you
Speaker 1: call the plumber, did you read the report card? Did
Speaker 1: you do this? And there's like thing left, and then
Speaker 1: everybody's exhausted when they go to bed at night. And
Speaker 1: I sort of joke about it, but the idea of
Speaker 1: a date night um to me has become more and
Speaker 1: more important the older I've gotten, because if I don't
Speaker 1: have that with my partner, if I don't have a strong,
Speaker 1: healthy connection with my partner, I the rest of the stuff,
Speaker 1: like like the whole factory isn't working well, so believe me.
Speaker 1: I can't tell you how many friends I have that
Speaker 1: let their primary relationship fall by the wayside and because
Speaker 1: of it. You know, there's a high divorce rate in
Speaker 1: our country for a reason. Yes, and like you said,
Speaker 1: we have to be intentional. I've seen post of you
Speaker 1: and George on dates and I love it. I travel
Speaker 1: quite a bit um in Riverside, California today, but maybe
Speaker 1: two types of engagements a year. Um, my wife and
Speaker 1: I we don't miss a date night if if she
Speaker 1: has to fly out so that we can make pain
Speaker 1: that I mean, parenting is extremely important to us. However,
Speaker 1: we brought the children into our lives, they didn't bring
Speaker 1: us into theirs. That's true. That is true. I mean,
Speaker 1: I mean that's the real talk of it. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I I think I think about that all the time.
Speaker 1: I think it's I do think it's one of the
Speaker 1: biggest things we forget as parents is to pay attention
Speaker 1: to our relationship. Um, We're gonna mess up, right, We're
Speaker 1: gonna make huge mistakes, I particularly over George, will get
Speaker 1: blamed for a lot of things. All I can do
Speaker 1: is love my children. That's all I can do, is
Speaker 1: just love them. And do you agree that that a
Speaker 1: child that feels parental love is a child that already
Speaker 1: then has a floor underneath them no matter what happens. Ali,
Speaker 1: that's the number one thing. Lead with love. Lead with love.
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, It's kind of like,
Speaker 1: you know, parenting skills can be taught, but if the
Speaker 1: one thing that we all have the capability of just
Speaker 1: from the start is loving our child, So as long
Speaker 1: as we're leading with love, I mean, that would eradicate
Speaker 1: many of the mistakes and bad choices that are made
Speaker 1: in parenting. I would imagine there's been a lot of
Speaker 1: data that's been accumulated of children that did not get
Speaker 1: the kind of love or you know, mother messages as
Speaker 1: a baby. Uh. Marion Wright Edelman, who runs a children's
Speaker 1: defense fun always talks about the cradle to the prison pipeline,
Speaker 1: and I think a lot of that is because the
Speaker 1: neglected children of our country who don't get any love
Speaker 1: end up making bad choices, end up in horrible situations
Speaker 1: that unfortunately lead to addiction and imprisonment, all kinds of things.
Speaker 1: And I think this science would show that these were
Speaker 1: kids that didn't get anything from any other human being.
Speaker 1: They were prone to it. Definitely that that second part
Speaker 1: is really crucial. The school to prison pipeline, the cradles
Speaker 1: to prison pipeline, definitely has a lot to do with
Speaker 1: children missing out on those very important factors and things
Speaker 1: that they should have received, love, structure, unconditional positive regard.
Speaker 1: And you know, we often think about trauma as something
Speaker 1: that happens to someone. We don't often really focus on
Speaker 1: the things that didn't happen to someone as being trauma.
Speaker 1: And that's what you're talking about. And the research says
Speaker 1: young people need one caring adult, at least one caring adult,
Speaker 1: So some of the things that don't happen in a
Speaker 1: home space can happen in other spaces. You know, we
Speaker 1: remember two types of people in our lives. Remember those
Speaker 1: who loved us and those who didn't. The good news
Speaker 1: is at oftentime, when someone talks about someone who loved
Speaker 1: them outside of a family, they're talking about a teacher,
Speaker 1: an educator. So when we talk about that cradle to
Speaker 1: prison pipeline, it's not just a home environment because there
Speaker 1: are some protective factors that can override a bad start,
Speaker 1: so to speak. I don't want to give a lot
Speaker 1: of way about our show. But we actually have a
Speaker 1: single parent on our show who adopted her niece from
Speaker 1: a family that was kind of riddled in drugs and
Speaker 1: prostitution and gangs and throw a very disciplined parenting has
Speaker 1: raised an incredible daughter. Yeah, you know, I remember listening
Speaker 1: and observing this particular parent and those five things that
Speaker 1: I just discussed. I saw those things. I saw a
Speaker 1: very disciplined parent that was also having fun appropriate fund
Speaker 1: If you could pick three things that you think like
Speaker 1: these are these are great parenting traits Besides love, what
Speaker 1: do you see and you think that kid's gonna be okay?
Speaker 1: Because those parents are that parent do what? Uh? That
Speaker 1: parent's present, purposeful and intentional, those would be the three things. Present.
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean that you have to be there for everything
Speaker 1: that child does, but you have to be available. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm in California today. I live in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
Speaker 1: But if my phone rings while I'm conducting this interview
Speaker 1: with you, Ali, my family knows what I'm doing. So
Speaker 1: if my phone rings, I'm gonna answer it because it's important.
Speaker 1: So that's being president. I have answered the phone on stage.
Speaker 1: So I love what I do I don't call it
Speaker 1: a job, it's a joy. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: being present means being available. I don't know if it's
Speaker 1: going to be a life altering decision that you know,
Speaker 1: my child's gonna ask me, and I've been fortunate that
Speaker 1: it hasn't been. It's you know that, can you put
Speaker 1: some money on my you know whatever account? But that
Speaker 1: kind of thing, I'm gonna start calling you for that.
Speaker 1: So being being present would be would be a big one.
Speaker 1: Being purposeful when you're with your child and you're playing kickball,
Speaker 1: play kickball, don't send emails. At the same time, being intentional,
Speaker 1: if you want your child to be a kind hearted child,
Speaker 1: then make sure that in your parenting that that's what
Speaker 1: you're allowing your child to experience with you, your kindness.
Speaker 1: So intentionality is actually thinking about where you want to
Speaker 1: be and then reflecting to make sure that that's what
Speaker 1: you're actually expressing and communicating. So mirror mirror the behavior, right, Okay, Okay.
Speaker 1: I want to talk about being present because I agree
Speaker 1: with that, and I think people get confused by what
Speaker 1: that really means because I've seen listen, I you know,
Speaker 1: George has been guilty of it, where he will be
Speaker 1: uh playing a game of online chess or something with
Speaker 1: the kids. You know, We're all in the same room
Speaker 1: and we're talking and I'll say, hey, you know, get off,
Speaker 1: stop playing chess, and he's he says, why I'm here,
Speaker 1: I'm listening, I'm conversing. But the very fact that he
Speaker 1: is focused on something else makes us feel, or makes
Speaker 1: me feel, you know, that he's slightly checked out that
Speaker 1: we're getting And I think that a lot of parents.
Speaker 1: I feel like, well, I'm out here throwing the ball
Speaker 1: with my kid. Yeah, I'm on my phone, or yes,
Speaker 1: i'm you know, thinking about how I'm going to clean
Speaker 1: out the garage. But kids know when you're not present,
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you're physically standing in front of them. No,
Speaker 1: and adults know as well what it means. Ali. First
Speaker 1: of all, the brain can only truly focus on one
Speaker 1: thing at a time. Well, so, whenever my wife speaks,
Speaker 1: if I'm in the middle of watching a television program,
Speaker 1: if i have a book in my hand, I put
Speaker 1: it down and I face her. And you know, I
Speaker 1: was fortunate, and I have grandparents who role model this
Speaker 1: for me. A grandfather who told me, what do I
Speaker 1: do with your grandma when she talks. I say, you
Speaker 1: stop everything and you look at her, and he said,
Speaker 1: you know why. I said, yeah, because you want her
Speaker 1: to know that it's important. He goes, no, because she'll
Speaker 1: tell me three more times. So so yeah, so so
Speaker 1: it's important to be there, to be there, and with
Speaker 1: every distraction that we have today, it's really challenging. Put
Speaker 1: the phone away, put the phone down. It's respected and
Speaker 1: it's honored. When when that actually happens. When I see
Speaker 1: couples and restaurants, hmm, sometimes I see two people sitting
Speaker 1: across from one another on their phones. I guess what,
Speaker 1: no judgment. That could be texting each other. However, however,
Speaker 1: the likelihood of that might be slim. Yes, So it's
Speaker 1: just kind of the society we live in that being
Speaker 1: present is more challenging than it ever has been because
Speaker 1: of the distractions. And I would take it one step
Speaker 1: further and say, it makes me sad sometimes when I
Speaker 1: go out to a restaurant and I not only see
Speaker 1: the parents on their phones, but the children. You know,
Speaker 1: toddlers have an iPad in front of them, definitely, so
Speaker 1: they're all sitting at a table together, but everybody's checked out.
Speaker 1: So you're already teaching them to you know, split off
Speaker 1: at a young age. But a lot of times, I
Speaker 1: do I think parents get confused by the idea of
Speaker 1: being present. They do confuse it with physically being there.
Speaker 1: And and like you said, how many how many situations
Speaker 1: do you deal with now in your pract just or
Speaker 1: even when you're out speaking that have to do with phones, phones, phones,
Speaker 1: phones and social media. And I mean it's quite a bit,
Speaker 1: quite a bit to where couples have said that, you know,
Speaker 1: it's interfered with their intimate relationship, phones in the bedroom.
Speaker 1: Of course, being present is real and it can't be faked.
Speaker 1: And it's time for a short break. Welcome back to go.
Speaker 1: Ask Alli, do you deal with a lot of families
Speaker 1: with predominantly teenagers in crisis? All all ages? I deal
Speaker 1: with every from the preschoolers all the way up to
Speaker 1: the young adult children. And what I'm seeing is that
Speaker 1: it's it's that middle school age group today that's having
Speaker 1: the roughest time, and parents are also having a rough time.
Speaker 1: You know, we constantly talk about children, but we also
Speaker 1: have to remember that the parents are having a rough time.
Speaker 1: And one of the biggest stresses of parents today, Alley
Speaker 1: is that the majority of parents want our children to
Speaker 1: grow up, become gainfully employed, contributing citizens of society and
Speaker 1: outshine us in every possible way. And their parents today
Speaker 1: that don't believe that their children will be able to
Speaker 1: do that, And that's causing quite a bit of anxiety
Speaker 1: for many parents. And they don't they don't think their
Speaker 1: kids are gonna be able to do that because it's
Speaker 1: just too impossible with wealth disparity and with politics. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: And I saw I saw you recently with your early
Speaker 1: voting sticker. Everyone in my household voted as well, So
Speaker 1: that's a big deal for us. UM I can imagine.
Speaker 1: And I you know, we've talked about social media and
Speaker 1: the internet and everything, and to me, it is now
Speaker 1: kind of the wild West, and how the number one
Speaker 1: reason for teenage girls suicide comes from social media and
Speaker 1: and bullying and judging themselves. And do you have to
Speaker 1: do a lot of parenting um or giving parents skills
Speaker 1: on how to deal with this new world we live in.
Speaker 1: I mean, everything is so accessible to our children now
Speaker 1: and it's almost like we have to learn to parent
Speaker 1: in a whole new way, in a way we weren't well,
Speaker 1: boundaries have become even more important today than they were
Speaker 1: yester years. I mean, I'm not sure how many people
Speaker 1: out there grew up in societies where you could leave
Speaker 1: your door open and not worry about someone coming in
Speaker 1: your home. I had that type of community early on too,
Speaker 1: So today it's a little different. And in the same
Speaker 1: with parenting, with social media, those boundaries have to be
Speaker 1: in place. When computers first came on the scene, my
Speaker 1: wife and I we built a place in the kitchen
Speaker 1: where every computer screen that if we walked past, we
Speaker 1: could see what was on the screen, and and and
Speaker 1: that was a big deal. Uh. You know, we need
Speaker 1: parents all the time that believe that children should have
Speaker 1: their own space and their own privacy. And I get that.
Speaker 1: I get that. However, that's different. Yeah, they still need
Speaker 1: guards and guides because they don't understand it. This is
Speaker 1: like a whole new world obviously for all of us.
Speaker 1: But you cannot leave children to their own devices, on
Speaker 1: their devices, because they will end up in a place
Speaker 1: that they're not prepared for, they're not equipped to deal with.
Speaker 1: That's right, and exposure and experiences matter, right the same way.
Speaker 1: You know, it's not the same world as go outside
Speaker 1: and we'll call you at dinner time when it's night out,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like you said, you know,
Speaker 1: go play kick the can and you know when you
Speaker 1: hear the whistle, it's dinner time. Even if it's dark
Speaker 1: out like that, that even doesn't exist anymore. Lights come on.
Speaker 1: That's right, you know. Now it's like where have you been?
Speaker 1: You're going to get abducted? Have your phone? You know,
Speaker 1: there's it's a lot, and which adds to the anxiety
Speaker 1: as well. Um, when you go around the country lecturing
Speaker 1: and talking, what do you most enjoy talking about? What
Speaker 1: do you get sort of passionate about. I get passionate
Speaker 1: about about love, just love. Well, I call it love,
Speaker 1: light and insight, and I talk about love and ways
Speaker 1: that most people understand love is the greatest of all things,
Speaker 1: and it's the most abundant human resource. And it throws
Speaker 1: people for a loop sometimes because I come in as
Speaker 1: this research scientist and and I'm talking about love, and
Speaker 1: I'm primarily talking about first loving yourself, you know. And
Speaker 1: I'd used a mirror as probably uh the most effective
Speaker 1: intervention and prevention strategy possible, meaning that reflective people are
Speaker 1: also the most effective people. You know, instead of looking
Speaker 1: like the brain on autopilot looks out for an enemy
Speaker 1: because you know, we had to scan environment for zabra
Speaker 1: too tigers. One time in my classes, I say, let's
Speaker 1: reboot the brain and look look first at ourselves and love,
Speaker 1: light and insight. Just be light wherever you are. You're
Speaker 1: responsible for the energy that you take anywhere you go.
Speaker 1: You know, there's some physicists that say that energy is
Speaker 1: neutral until we, as human beings, make it positive or negative.
Speaker 1: So be the light and an insight. I describe it
Speaker 1: as that's the greatest vision that any human being could
Speaker 1: ever have. Insight. How do people How do you answer
Speaker 1: this question when people say to you, I want to
Speaker 1: live my life with love as a spouse, as a parent,
Speaker 1: as a friend. How do I do that? How do
Speaker 1: I tap into that? Well, first of all, it starts
Speaker 1: with accepting yourself, accepting everything there is about you, and
Speaker 1: that's what you allow people to see, as well as
Speaker 1: everything that's in that backpack that you don't want anybody
Speaker 1: to see. So when you can do all of these unconditional,
Speaker 1: positive regard things for yourself, imagine what type of relationships
Speaker 1: you can have for other people. But it starts with us.
Speaker 1: It starts with assist individuals. You know. I tell parents
Speaker 1: too that you know I'm concerned. Uh. I grew up
Speaker 1: in politics. My mother would have me write letters, UM
Speaker 1: early on and edit letters for some of our local
Speaker 1: people running for different offices. And what I still believe
Speaker 1: is that it's concerned as we should be about our
Speaker 1: White House and our local state houses. Imagine a society
Speaker 1: where we first got our own houses in order, I
Speaker 1: mean imagine that. Yeah, if you love yourself, reflect on yourself,
Speaker 1: you will then be a better parent, and a better
Speaker 1: spouse and a better citizen. Um. Which brings us back
Speaker 1: to what we were talking about the beginning of the podcast,
Speaker 1: which is you have to really put your name on
Speaker 1: the top of the list when Doc Brown asked you
Speaker 1: to write down all the things that you love. Right,
Speaker 1: that's right? Okay, So Doc, now it's the end of
Speaker 1: our podcast because we want everybody to, you know, go
Speaker 1: take a shower and make popcorn for the premiere of
Speaker 1: our show. But now you get to ask me a
Speaker 1: question anything you want. So Ali, I think I asked
Speaker 1: you a majority of these questions that break. So my
Speaker 1: question for yeah, would be if there was one thing
Speaker 1: that you could remove from our world? What would it be? Hate?
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, hate, hate, followed by guns, followed
Speaker 1: by envy. I think those are the top three. I mean,
Speaker 1: hate pretty much covers all of the subcategories. But yeah, hate,
Speaker 1: hate makes human beings do really truly awful things. So
Speaker 1: I would if I could get rid of hate, If
Speaker 1: I could get rid of hate, and you could get
Speaker 1: everybody to get their house in order, we'd be living
Speaker 1: some utopian dream. But yeah, thank you so much for
Speaker 1: doing this, Doc, I can't wait to see you on TV.
Speaker 1: I love Doc Brown so much. He's so insightful, and
Speaker 1: he's so smart, and he's the best laugh and I
Speaker 1: really couldn't do the parent Test without him. And if
Speaker 1: you listen to him on the show and even on
Speaker 1: this podcast, you hear he like speaks in sound bites.
Speaker 1: I tell him that he speaks in T shirt slogans,
Speaker 1: which is so great because lead with love. Anyway, thank
Speaker 1: you for listening to go ask Alli. To learn more
Speaker 1: about my friend Doc Brown, go to his website doc
Speaker 1: speaks dot com, and you can follow him on Instagram
Speaker 1: at Adolph Brown. And if you'd like more info on
Speaker 1: what you've heard in this episode. Check out our show notes.
Speaker 1: Be sure to subscribe, rate and review, Go ask Alli
Speaker 1: and follow me on Instagram at the Real Ali Went
Speaker 1: work Now. If you'd like to ask me a question
Speaker 1: or suggested guests or a topic to dig into, I
Speaker 1: would love to hear from you, and there's a bunch
Speaker 1: of ways you can do it. You can call or
Speaker 1: text me at three to three four six three six,
Speaker 1: or you can email a voice memo right from your
Speaker 1: phone to Go ask Alli podcast at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: And if you leave a question, it just might hear it.
Speaker 1: I'm go Ask Alli. Y Go Ask Gali is a
Speaker 1: production of Shonda land Audio and partnership with I heart Radio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I heart
Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.