WEBVTT - Jennie's Journal...Aging

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello,

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to the I Choose Me podcast. I was thinking,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, on I Choose Me, we're always talking about

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<v Speaker 1>trying to level up and do the best we can,

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<v Speaker 1>and for me, journaling has always been something that I've

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<v Speaker 1>done when I needed to just pour out my thoughts

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<v Speaker 1>and feelings on the paper. Sometimes it's like dramatic and sad.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes honestly, it's more like rage journaling. Whatever it is,

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<v Speaker 1>I write down the thoughts in my head and it

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<v Speaker 1>helps me to get clear on things. So I thought

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<v Speaker 1>I would share with you some of my journal entries.

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<v Speaker 1>This is risky, very vulnerable woman. Do it anyway. This

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<v Speaker 1>is one from September thirteenth, twenty twenty two. Okay, fifty,

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<v Speaker 1>this may not be for me, this aging gracefully thing.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know that I'm going to be okay with this.

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<v Speaker 1>My entire life has been predicated and dedicated and relentlessly

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<v Speaker 1>based on my outward appearance. Growing up, I was the

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<v Speaker 1>baby of the family and I got a lot of attention.

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<v Speaker 1>Then in my early career as a teenager, I was

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<v Speaker 1>the blonde one, the hot one, the rich Beverly Hills

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<v Speaker 1>Girl one. Then in my early twenties and on, I

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<v Speaker 1>became a mom, and I was referred to at times

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<v Speaker 1>as the milf. Sorry, I know that is gross, and

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<v Speaker 1>my daughters are not gonna want to hear that. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>do not get me wrong, please. I've lived a charmed,

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<v Speaker 1>privileged life. I had a safe and loving childhood, and

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<v Speaker 1>I have been really lucky in this life. I acknowledge that,

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<v Speaker 1>and I am so grateful for all the incredible things

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<v Speaker 1>I've experienced. But I never had to do much or

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<v Speaker 1>say much. Really didn't really matter. I always felt like

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<v Speaker 1>most people weren't even listening to me anyway. I've always

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<v Speaker 1>felt stereotyped, always felt compared and judged. Maybe that comes

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<v Speaker 1>with being famous. I don't know, but I usually got

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<v Speaker 1>what I wanted, or at least attracted attention, which looking back,

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<v Speaker 1>I guess fueled me in some unhealthy way. I always say,

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<v Speaker 1>oh no, I don't want attention, but I don't think

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<v Speaker 1>anyone ever believed me. But the honest to God truth

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<v Speaker 1>is I am shry, I am an introvert, and I

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<v Speaker 1>don't like being the center of attention at all. I

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<v Speaker 1>guess that's only part of me. The other part can't

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<v Speaker 1>seem to live without needing to feel validated or somehow

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<v Speaker 1>better than other people, at least in my distorted mind

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<v Speaker 1>like way, in the darkest, ugliest parts of my character

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<v Speaker 1>better than someone or really, that's like the opposite of

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<v Speaker 1>what I'm feeling. That's my insecurities talking. That's my ego talking.

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<v Speaker 1>We all have ego, which is fueled by our thoughts

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<v Speaker 1>and our feelings, which I've learned aren't even real. They're

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<v Speaker 1>just made up in our minds. But right now I

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<v Speaker 1>am so disgusted with myself. I don't want to feel

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<v Speaker 1>like that anymore. I have to acknowledge it, I guess,

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<v Speaker 1>and expose it in order to defame it. I think

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<v Speaker 1>those nasty egoy comparative thoughts have made me angry at myself,

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<v Speaker 1>because now when I look at the mirror and see myself,

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<v Speaker 1>it is so polarizing. It's either I think, Okay, you're

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<v Speaker 1>doing good, you're a beautiful woman and I love you,

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<v Speaker 1>or good Lord, you look old? What happened to you?

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<v Speaker 1>You should never let anyone see you. You should never

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<v Speaker 1>go out in public. I know, dark, right? Why am

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<v Speaker 1>I still so insecure? Why hasn't all the work I've

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<v Speaker 1>done on myself until this point in my life changed

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<v Speaker 1>the way I think of myself. Will I ever truly

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<v Speaker 1>love who I am? I mean that was feeling sorry

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<v Speaker 1>for myself journaling. I guess, saying things to my journal

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<v Speaker 1>that I would never want to say to anyone else,

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<v Speaker 1>And here I am saying it to all of you.

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<v Speaker 1>It was a lot. That was a lot there. When

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<v Speaker 1>I read this now, I feel sad for her. I

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<v Speaker 1>feel sad that she has wasted any of her precious

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<v Speaker 1>moments here on this earth not loving herself. This was

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<v Speaker 1>only two years ago, you guys, after years and years

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<v Speaker 1>of therapy and feeling like I'm on my path and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm finally getting a handle on, you know, doing the

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<v Speaker 1>right thing and loving myself more. But I'll blame it

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<v Speaker 1>on this milestone birthday because there is a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>importance put on turning fifty out there, and I guess

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<v Speaker 1>in here too. I've had some time to settle into

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<v Speaker 1>this whole fifty thing, and I'll be honest with you,

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<v Speaker 1>it was an adjustment, yeah, and I did and I

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<v Speaker 1>still do. Like maybe a few days ago, look in

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<v Speaker 1>the mirror and an automatic oof will come out of

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<v Speaker 1>my mouth because I don't look like that young version

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<v Speaker 1>of me that everyone thinks, you know, when they think

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<v Speaker 1>about me, that's how I should look, That's how I'm

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<v Speaker 1>forever like crystallized in their brains. And I get hung

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<v Speaker 1>up on letting people down. I mean, I hear it

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<v Speaker 1>all the time. You're standing with some people and somebody

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<v Speaker 1>will look at somebody and they'll say, oh, wow, she

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<v Speaker 1>looks so much older. I've done that, I've said that,

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<v Speaker 1>and then I'm like, hello, I'm standing right here. I

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<v Speaker 1>can probably assume that when I'm gone, you'll be saying

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<v Speaker 1>the same thing about me. I internalize it as if

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<v Speaker 1>they're probably going to be talking about me later. Women

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<v Speaker 1>aren't really allowed to age. I mean, what the heck

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<v Speaker 1>is that about? Sorry excuse my language, but so messed up.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a tale as old as time. Men get better looking,

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<v Speaker 1>more rugged, and women just get old. That's sucks, that's

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<v Speaker 1>just so messed up. At least those are the messages

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<v Speaker 1>that I've heard in my experience. I don't know about you.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't feel old in my body, like, well, that's

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<v Speaker 1>not actually true. My body feels older, like my physical form,

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<v Speaker 1>my bones and my things, you know, my aches and pains,

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<v Speaker 1>and working out is harder on my body. It takes

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<v Speaker 1>me longer to recover, and when I get out of

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<v Speaker 1>bed in the morning, my body feels different. It doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>feel young and springy and completely unaware of its pains.

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<v Speaker 1>But I mean, come on, fifty two is not old.

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<v Speaker 1>Fifty two's midlife now, and honestly, it has become like

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<v Speaker 1>no joke, the best years of my life. Since I

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<v Speaker 1>turned fifty, so much has happened for me, so many

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<v Speaker 1>things have changed in my life for the better. Mostly

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<v Speaker 1>I've never told anybody I felt these feelings before because

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<v Speaker 1>they're just like deep deep inside my mind, my insecure mind.

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<v Speaker 1>But I bet if I'm thinking these things and other

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<v Speaker 1>people are probably thinking them too. That's one of the

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<v Speaker 1>things I've learned is most people aren't thinking about you.

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<v Speaker 1>They're thinking about themselves and the conversations that are going

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<v Speaker 1>on in their head about themselves, just like I was

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<v Speaker 1>focusing on the conversations in my head about myself for

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<v Speaker 1>years and years and years, and I still do it.

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<v Speaker 1>It still happens when I have to go show up

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<v Speaker 1>somewhere or make an appearance, or be in a photo

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<v Speaker 1>shoot or be on TV or do anything like that,

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<v Speaker 1>go out in public. Honestly, you guys just going out

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<v Speaker 1>in public. For me, I still think those things, and

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like I'm so damaged because of it. Like

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like something is wrong with me that I

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<v Speaker 1>can't feel beautiful and love myself no matter what others think,

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<v Speaker 1>no matter what sort of oh what's the word? What's

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<v Speaker 1>the word? Like pressures that I feel other people are

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<v Speaker 1>putting on me. So I don't know. Maybe it's, like

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<v Speaker 1>I said in the journal, maybe it's because of what

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<v Speaker 1>I do for a living, or just being seen. Since

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<v Speaker 1>I was young and like a what's they call that?

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<v Speaker 1>A spring duck? No, spring fish, spring chicken. I was

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<v Speaker 1>a spring chicken. And yeah, I am shy. I'm an introvert,

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<v Speaker 1>and I still feel that way today. If I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>have to leave my house in my backyard, I wouldn't.

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<v Speaker 1>I love being home. I love being feeling safe and

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<v Speaker 1>protected and with my close, close friends and family. No,

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<v Speaker 1>it just it just makes me feel safer. And I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not sure what that is about, Like, Oh, I have

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<v Speaker 1>to get past that because I have to keep living

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<v Speaker 1>my life. I'm only fifty. Don't get me wrong. I

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<v Speaker 1>have a really full and busy life. But most of

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<v Speaker 1>it happens from my house right now, unless I go

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<v Speaker 1>somewhere for a job or fly to the East coast

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<v Speaker 1>or whatever it is. But yeah, that feeling of needing

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<v Speaker 1>to feel validated by others, I guess it's still in me.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know where it comes from. Mama, work on

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<v Speaker 1>it because I don't like it. And honestly, as I've

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<v Speaker 1>gotten older, there are glimpses of moments when I do

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<v Speaker 1>look in the mirror and I do love myself. I

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<v Speaker 1>look at her and I say, wow, I love you,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm so grateful to you for all of these

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<v Speaker 1>years that this body and this face has held up.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, fifty two years is a long time. That's

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<v Speaker 1>half a century. And I don't no one knows. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>we all know, no one knows if today's our last

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<v Speaker 1>day here. We have to be able to live our

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<v Speaker 1>lives to the fullest and not let our minds control

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<v Speaker 1>our happiness or unhappiness. And I don't think it hurts

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<v Speaker 1>that since I turned fifty, I've joined this incredible group

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<v Speaker 1>of women who are all over fifty and we have

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<v Speaker 1>a Facebook community. Ah, that did really sound old? What

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<v Speaker 1>I just said right there. But we support each other,

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<v Speaker 1>and we teach each other how to love each other,

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<v Speaker 1>and we encourage one another, and we root for each other,

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<v Speaker 1>and that has really lifted me up in the last

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<v Speaker 1>few years. So I don't know, I would recommend if

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<v Speaker 1>you don't have a group of women your own age

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<v Speaker 1>who you're talking to and sharing store with and supporting

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<v Speaker 1>one another, I would recommend you go get in a

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<v Speaker 1>Facebook chat Is that what it's called Facebook chat room?

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<v Speaker 1>I don't even know, But go find some support on

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<v Speaker 1>the internet because it is there and it makes huge difference.

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<v Speaker 1>And you know what, I'm just still I think until

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<v Speaker 1>my last breath, I will be a work in progress.

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<v Speaker 1>I will be a body in progress, if you know,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. But yeah, it's interesting when we go back

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<v Speaker 1>and look at our old journals and we see the

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<v Speaker 1>struggles that we've been through, and sometimes the struggles you

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<v Speaker 1>read them over and over at just different points in

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<v Speaker 1>your life. And sometimes the struggles are the exact same

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<v Speaker 1>challenges that are the exact same things, just different circumstances.

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<v Speaker 1>So I guess that message is keep on working, keep

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<v Speaker 1>on trying, don't give up, don't let yourself take no

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<v Speaker 1>for an answer on loving yourself. Thank you, guys for

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<v Speaker 1>listening to I Choose Me. I hope you're loving the

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<v Speaker 1>podcast as much as I'm loving doing it. And yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>just follow us and rate us and review us on

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<v Speaker 1>all that jazz I love you have a great day.