Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the I Choose Me podcast. I was thinking,
Speaker 1: you know, on I Choose Me, we're always talking about
Speaker 1: trying to level up and do the best we can,
Speaker 1: and for me, journaling has always been something that I've
Speaker 1: done when I needed to just pour out my thoughts
Speaker 1: and feelings on the paper. Sometimes it's like dramatic and sad.
Speaker 1: Sometimes honestly, it's more like rage journaling. Whatever it is,
Speaker 1: I write down the thoughts in my head and it
Speaker 1: helps me to get clear on things. So I thought
Speaker 1: I would share with you some of my journal entries.
Speaker 1: This is risky, very vulnerable woman. Do it anyway. This
Speaker 1: is one from September thirteenth, twenty twenty two. Okay, fifty,
Speaker 1: this may not be for me, this aging gracefully thing.
Speaker 1: I don't know that I'm going to be okay with this.
Speaker 1: My entire life has been predicated and dedicated and relentlessly
Speaker 1: based on my outward appearance. Growing up, I was the
Speaker 1: baby of the family and I got a lot of attention.
Speaker 1: Then in my early career as a teenager, I was
Speaker 1: the blonde one, the hot one, the rich Beverly Hills
Speaker 1: Girl one. Then in my early twenties and on, I
Speaker 1: became a mom, and I was referred to at times
Speaker 1: as the milf. Sorry, I know that is gross, and
Speaker 1: my daughters are not gonna want to hear that. I mean,
Speaker 1: do not get me wrong, please. I've lived a charmed,
Speaker 1: privileged life. I had a safe and loving childhood, and
Speaker 1: I have been really lucky in this life. I acknowledge that,
Speaker 1: and I am so grateful for all the incredible things
Speaker 1: I've experienced. But I never had to do much or
Speaker 1: say much. Really didn't really matter. I always felt like
Speaker 1: most people weren't even listening to me anyway. I've always
Speaker 1: felt stereotyped, always felt compared and judged. Maybe that comes
Speaker 1: with being famous. I don't know, but I usually got
Speaker 1: what I wanted, or at least attracted attention, which looking back,
Speaker 1: I guess fueled me in some unhealthy way. I always say,
Speaker 1: oh no, I don't want attention, but I don't think
Speaker 1: anyone ever believed me. But the honest to God truth
Speaker 1: is I am shry, I am an introvert, and I
Speaker 1: don't like being the center of attention at all. I
Speaker 1: guess that's only part of me. The other part can't
Speaker 1: seem to live without needing to feel validated or somehow
Speaker 1: better than other people, at least in my distorted mind
Speaker 1: like way, in the darkest, ugliest parts of my character
Speaker 1: better than someone or really, that's like the opposite of
Speaker 1: what I'm feeling. That's my insecurities talking. That's my ego talking.
Speaker 1: We all have ego, which is fueled by our thoughts
Speaker 1: and our feelings, which I've learned aren't even real. They're
Speaker 1: just made up in our minds. But right now I
Speaker 1: am so disgusted with myself. I don't want to feel
Speaker 1: like that anymore. I have to acknowledge it, I guess,
Speaker 1: and expose it in order to defame it. I think
Speaker 1: those nasty egoy comparative thoughts have made me angry at myself,
Speaker 1: because now when I look at the mirror and see myself,
Speaker 1: it is so polarizing. It's either I think, Okay, you're
Speaker 1: doing good, you're a beautiful woman and I love you,
Speaker 1: or good Lord, you look old? What happened to you?
Speaker 1: You should never let anyone see you. You should never
Speaker 1: go out in public. I know, dark, right? Why am
Speaker 1: I still so insecure? Why hasn't all the work I've
Speaker 1: done on myself until this point in my life changed
Speaker 1: the way I think of myself. Will I ever truly
Speaker 1: love who I am? I mean that was feeling sorry
Speaker 1: for myself journaling. I guess, saying things to my journal
Speaker 1: that I would never want to say to anyone else,
Speaker 1: And here I am saying it to all of you.
Speaker 1: It was a lot. That was a lot there. When
Speaker 1: I read this now, I feel sad for her. I
Speaker 1: feel sad that she has wasted any of her precious
Speaker 1: moments here on this earth not loving herself. This was
Speaker 1: only two years ago, you guys, after years and years
Speaker 1: of therapy and feeling like I'm on my path and
Speaker 1: I'm finally getting a handle on, you know, doing the
Speaker 1: right thing and loving myself more. But I'll blame it
Speaker 1: on this milestone birthday because there is a lot of
Speaker 1: importance put on turning fifty out there, and I guess
Speaker 1: in here too. I've had some time to settle into
Speaker 1: this whole fifty thing, and I'll be honest with you,
Speaker 1: it was an adjustment, yeah, and I did and I
Speaker 1: still do. Like maybe a few days ago, look in
Speaker 1: the mirror and an automatic oof will come out of
Speaker 1: my mouth because I don't look like that young version
Speaker 1: of me that everyone thinks, you know, when they think
Speaker 1: about me, that's how I should look, That's how I'm
Speaker 1: forever like crystallized in their brains. And I get hung
Speaker 1: up on letting people down. I mean, I hear it
Speaker 1: all the time. You're standing with some people and somebody
Speaker 1: will look at somebody and they'll say, oh, wow, she
Speaker 1: looks so much older. I've done that, I've said that,
Speaker 1: and then I'm like, hello, I'm standing right here. I
Speaker 1: can probably assume that when I'm gone, you'll be saying
Speaker 1: the same thing about me. I internalize it as if
Speaker 1: they're probably going to be talking about me later. Women
Speaker 1: aren't really allowed to age. I mean, what the heck
Speaker 1: is that about? Sorry excuse my language, but so messed up.
Speaker 1: It's a tale as old as time. Men get better looking,
Speaker 1: more rugged, and women just get old. That's sucks, that's
Speaker 1: just so messed up. At least those are the messages
Speaker 1: that I've heard in my experience. I don't know about you.
Speaker 1: I don't feel old in my body, like, well, that's
Speaker 1: not actually true. My body feels older, like my physical form,
Speaker 1: my bones and my things, you know, my aches and pains,
Speaker 1: and working out is harder on my body. It takes
Speaker 1: me longer to recover, and when I get out of
Speaker 1: bed in the morning, my body feels different. It doesn't
Speaker 1: feel young and springy and completely unaware of its pains.
Speaker 1: But I mean, come on, fifty two is not old.
Speaker 1: Fifty two's midlife now, and honestly, it has become like
Speaker 1: no joke, the best years of my life. Since I
Speaker 1: turned fifty, so much has happened for me, so many
Speaker 1: things have changed in my life for the better. Mostly
Speaker 1: I've never told anybody I felt these feelings before because
Speaker 1: they're just like deep deep inside my mind, my insecure mind.
Speaker 1: But I bet if I'm thinking these things and other
Speaker 1: people are probably thinking them too. That's one of the
Speaker 1: things I've learned is most people aren't thinking about you.
Speaker 1: They're thinking about themselves and the conversations that are going
Speaker 1: on in their head about themselves, just like I was
Speaker 1: focusing on the conversations in my head about myself for
Speaker 1: years and years and years, and I still do it.
Speaker 1: It still happens when I have to go show up
Speaker 1: somewhere or make an appearance, or be in a photo
Speaker 1: shoot or be on TV or do anything like that,
Speaker 1: go out in public. Honestly, you guys just going out
Speaker 1: in public. For me, I still think those things, and
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm so damaged because of it. Like
Speaker 1: I feel like something is wrong with me that I
Speaker 1: can't feel beautiful and love myself no matter what others think,
Speaker 1: no matter what sort of oh what's the word? What's
Speaker 1: the word? Like pressures that I feel other people are
Speaker 1: putting on me. So I don't know. Maybe it's, like
Speaker 1: I said in the journal, maybe it's because of what
Speaker 1: I do for a living, or just being seen. Since
Speaker 1: I was young and like a what's they call that?
Speaker 1: A spring duck? No, spring fish, spring chicken. I was
Speaker 1: a spring chicken. And yeah, I am shy. I'm an introvert,
Speaker 1: and I still feel that way today. If I didn't
Speaker 1: have to leave my house in my backyard, I wouldn't.
Speaker 1: I love being home. I love being feeling safe and
Speaker 1: protected and with my close, close friends and family. No,
Speaker 1: it just it just makes me feel safer. And I'm
Speaker 1: not sure what that is about, Like, Oh, I have
Speaker 1: to get past that because I have to keep living
Speaker 1: my life. I'm only fifty. Don't get me wrong. I
Speaker 1: have a really full and busy life. But most of
Speaker 1: it happens from my house right now, unless I go
Speaker 1: somewhere for a job or fly to the East coast
Speaker 1: or whatever it is. But yeah, that feeling of needing
Speaker 1: to feel validated by others, I guess it's still in me.
Speaker 1: I don't know where it comes from. Mama, work on
Speaker 1: it because I don't like it. And honestly, as I've
Speaker 1: gotten older, there are glimpses of moments when I do
Speaker 1: look in the mirror and I do love myself. I
Speaker 1: look at her and I say, wow, I love you,
Speaker 1: and I'm so grateful to you for all of these
Speaker 1: years that this body and this face has held up.
Speaker 1: You know, fifty two years is a long time. That's
Speaker 1: half a century. And I don't no one knows. I mean,
Speaker 1: we all know, no one knows if today's our last
Speaker 1: day here. We have to be able to live our
Speaker 1: lives to the fullest and not let our minds control
Speaker 1: our happiness or unhappiness. And I don't think it hurts
Speaker 1: that since I turned fifty, I've joined this incredible group
Speaker 1: of women who are all over fifty and we have
Speaker 1: a Facebook community. Ah, that did really sound old? What
Speaker 1: I just said right there. But we support each other,
Speaker 1: and we teach each other how to love each other,
Speaker 1: and we encourage one another, and we root for each other,
Speaker 1: and that has really lifted me up in the last
Speaker 1: few years. So I don't know, I would recommend if
Speaker 1: you don't have a group of women your own age
Speaker 1: who you're talking to and sharing store with and supporting
Speaker 1: one another, I would recommend you go get in a
Speaker 1: Facebook chat Is that what it's called Facebook chat room?
Speaker 1: I don't even know, But go find some support on
Speaker 1: the internet because it is there and it makes huge difference.
Speaker 1: And you know what, I'm just still I think until
Speaker 1: my last breath, I will be a work in progress.
Speaker 1: I will be a body in progress, if you know,
Speaker 1: you know. But yeah, it's interesting when we go back
Speaker 1: and look at our old journals and we see the
Speaker 1: struggles that we've been through, and sometimes the struggles you
Speaker 1: read them over and over at just different points in
Speaker 1: your life. And sometimes the struggles are the exact same
Speaker 1: challenges that are the exact same things, just different circumstances.
Speaker 1: So I guess that message is keep on working, keep
Speaker 1: on trying, don't give up, don't let yourself take no
Speaker 1: for an answer on loving yourself. Thank you, guys for
Speaker 1: listening to I Choose Me. I hope you're loving the
Speaker 1: podcast as much as I'm loving doing it. And yeah,
Speaker 1: just follow us and rate us and review us on
Speaker 1: all that jazz I love you have a great day.