1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:08,960 Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, 2 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:13,119 Speaker 1: Welcome to the I Choose Me podcast. I was thinking, 3 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:19,279 Speaker 1: you know, on I Choose Me, we're always talking about 4 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:23,000 Speaker 1: trying to level up and do the best we can, 5 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:28,760 Speaker 1: and for me, journaling has always been something that I've 6 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,720 Speaker 1: done when I needed to just pour out my thoughts 7 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:37,920 Speaker 1: and feelings on the paper. Sometimes it's like dramatic and sad. 8 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:43,839 Speaker 1: Sometimes honestly, it's more like rage journaling. Whatever it is, 9 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 1: I write down the thoughts in my head and it 10 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:52,680 Speaker 1: helps me to get clear on things. So I thought 11 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,560 Speaker 1: I would share with you some of my journal entries. 12 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:02,760 Speaker 1: This is risky, very vulnerable woman. Do it anyway. This 13 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:11,480 Speaker 1: is one from September thirteenth, twenty twenty two. Okay, fifty, 14 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 1: this may not be for me, this aging gracefully thing. 15 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:21,039 Speaker 1: I don't know that I'm going to be okay with this. 16 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:27,920 Speaker 1: My entire life has been predicated and dedicated and relentlessly 17 00:01:27,959 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 1: based on my outward appearance. Growing up, I was the 18 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 1: baby of the family and I got a lot of attention. 19 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 1: Then in my early career as a teenager, I was 20 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:41,680 Speaker 1: the blonde one, the hot one, the rich Beverly Hills 21 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 1: Girl one. Then in my early twenties and on, I 22 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,200 Speaker 1: became a mom, and I was referred to at times 23 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: as the milf. Sorry, I know that is gross, and 24 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:55,640 Speaker 1: my daughters are not gonna want to hear that. I mean, 25 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: do not get me wrong, please. I've lived a charmed, 26 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:04,480 Speaker 1: privileged life. I had a safe and loving childhood, and 27 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,960 Speaker 1: I have been really lucky in this life. I acknowledge that, 28 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,040 Speaker 1: and I am so grateful for all the incredible things 29 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: I've experienced. But I never had to do much or 30 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,480 Speaker 1: say much. Really didn't really matter. I always felt like 31 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:23,720 Speaker 1: most people weren't even listening to me anyway. I've always 32 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:29,400 Speaker 1: felt stereotyped, always felt compared and judged. Maybe that comes 33 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:33,640 Speaker 1: with being famous. I don't know, but I usually got 34 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:38,240 Speaker 1: what I wanted, or at least attracted attention, which looking back, 35 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:43,240 Speaker 1: I guess fueled me in some unhealthy way. I always say, 36 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:47,359 Speaker 1: oh no, I don't want attention, but I don't think 37 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:51,080 Speaker 1: anyone ever believed me. But the honest to God truth 38 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 1: is I am shry, I am an introvert, and I 39 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,359 Speaker 1: don't like being the center of attention at all. I 40 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,640 Speaker 1: guess that's only part of me. The other part can't 41 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 1: seem to live without needing to feel validated or somehow 42 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:11,600 Speaker 1: better than other people, at least in my distorted mind 43 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 1: like way, in the darkest, ugliest parts of my character 44 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:22,840 Speaker 1: better than someone or really, that's like the opposite of 45 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:27,640 Speaker 1: what I'm feeling. That's my insecurities talking. That's my ego talking. 46 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 1: We all have ego, which is fueled by our thoughts 47 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 1: and our feelings, which I've learned aren't even real. They're 48 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 1: just made up in our minds. But right now I 49 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,720 Speaker 1: am so disgusted with myself. I don't want to feel 50 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 1: like that anymore. I have to acknowledge it, I guess, 51 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:51,000 Speaker 1: and expose it in order to defame it. I think 52 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:56,760 Speaker 1: those nasty egoy comparative thoughts have made me angry at myself, 53 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,520 Speaker 1: because now when I look at the mirror and see myself, 54 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 1: it is so polarizing. It's either I think, Okay, you're 55 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,400 Speaker 1: doing good, you're a beautiful woman and I love you, 56 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:15,560 Speaker 1: or good Lord, you look old? What happened to you? 57 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,880 Speaker 1: You should never let anyone see you. You should never 58 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:22,800 Speaker 1: go out in public. I know, dark, right? Why am 59 00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 1: I still so insecure? Why hasn't all the work I've 60 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,680 Speaker 1: done on myself until this point in my life changed 61 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:33,159 Speaker 1: the way I think of myself. Will I ever truly 62 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 1: love who I am? I mean that was feeling sorry 63 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 1: for myself journaling. I guess, saying things to my journal 64 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:44,599 Speaker 1: that I would never want to say to anyone else, 65 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,080 Speaker 1: And here I am saying it to all of you. 66 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 1: It was a lot. That was a lot there. When 67 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 1: I read this now, I feel sad for her. I 68 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:59,560 Speaker 1: feel sad that she has wasted any of her precious 69 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:06,359 Speaker 1: moments here on this earth not loving herself. This was 70 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:11,279 Speaker 1: only two years ago, you guys, after years and years 71 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 1: of therapy and feeling like I'm on my path and 72 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:18,480 Speaker 1: I'm finally getting a handle on, you know, doing the 73 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: right thing and loving myself more. But I'll blame it 74 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:25,440 Speaker 1: on this milestone birthday because there is a lot of 75 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:30,640 Speaker 1: importance put on turning fifty out there, and I guess 76 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:40,160 Speaker 1: in here too. I've had some time to settle into 77 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:44,039 Speaker 1: this whole fifty thing, and I'll be honest with you, 78 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 1: it was an adjustment, yeah, and I did and I 79 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:51,599 Speaker 1: still do. Like maybe a few days ago, look in 80 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 1: the mirror and an automatic oof will come out of 81 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:59,160 Speaker 1: my mouth because I don't look like that young version 82 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:04,360 Speaker 1: of me that everyone thinks, you know, when they think 83 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,680 Speaker 1: about me, that's how I should look, That's how I'm 84 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:11,880 Speaker 1: forever like crystallized in their brains. And I get hung 85 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,640 Speaker 1: up on letting people down. I mean, I hear it 86 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,920 Speaker 1: all the time. You're standing with some people and somebody 87 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,640 Speaker 1: will look at somebody and they'll say, oh, wow, she 88 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,839 Speaker 1: looks so much older. I've done that, I've said that, 89 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 1: and then I'm like, hello, I'm standing right here. I 90 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 1: can probably assume that when I'm gone, you'll be saying 91 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:37,120 Speaker 1: the same thing about me. I internalize it as if 92 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:42,159 Speaker 1: they're probably going to be talking about me later. Women 93 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:45,719 Speaker 1: aren't really allowed to age. I mean, what the heck 94 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:49,520 Speaker 1: is that about? Sorry excuse my language, but so messed up. 95 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:54,120 Speaker 1: It's a tale as old as time. Men get better looking, 96 00:06:54,480 --> 00:07:02,479 Speaker 1: more rugged, and women just get old. That's sucks, that's 97 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,560 Speaker 1: just so messed up. At least those are the messages 98 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 1: that I've heard in my experience. I don't know about you. 99 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:16,480 Speaker 1: I don't feel old in my body, like, well, that's 100 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:21,640 Speaker 1: not actually true. My body feels older, like my physical form, 101 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:25,360 Speaker 1: my bones and my things, you know, my aches and pains, 102 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:29,320 Speaker 1: and working out is harder on my body. It takes 103 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,000 Speaker 1: me longer to recover, and when I get out of 104 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,920 Speaker 1: bed in the morning, my body feels different. It doesn't 105 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:40,760 Speaker 1: feel young and springy and completely unaware of its pains. 106 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 1: But I mean, come on, fifty two is not old. 107 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 1: Fifty two's midlife now, and honestly, it has become like 108 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 1: no joke, the best years of my life. Since I 109 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: turned fifty, so much has happened for me, so many 110 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:02,040 Speaker 1: things have changed in my life for the better. Mostly 111 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:07,360 Speaker 1: I've never told anybody I felt these feelings before because 112 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 1: they're just like deep deep inside my mind, my insecure mind. 113 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,280 Speaker 1: But I bet if I'm thinking these things and other 114 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,640 Speaker 1: people are probably thinking them too. That's one of the 115 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 1: things I've learned is most people aren't thinking about you. 116 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,280 Speaker 1: They're thinking about themselves and the conversations that are going 117 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 1: on in their head about themselves, just like I was 118 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,480 Speaker 1: focusing on the conversations in my head about myself for 119 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,440 Speaker 1: years and years and years, and I still do it. 120 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,360 Speaker 1: It still happens when I have to go show up 121 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:43,839 Speaker 1: somewhere or make an appearance, or be in a photo 122 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,360 Speaker 1: shoot or be on TV or do anything like that, 123 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:50,319 Speaker 1: go out in public. Honestly, you guys just going out 124 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,600 Speaker 1: in public. For me, I still think those things, and 125 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:56,280 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm so damaged because of it. Like 126 00:08:56,360 --> 00:09:00,800 Speaker 1: I feel like something is wrong with me that I 127 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 1: can't feel beautiful and love myself no matter what others think, 128 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,880 Speaker 1: no matter what sort of oh what's the word? What's 129 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:14,719 Speaker 1: the word? Like pressures that I feel other people are 130 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:19,200 Speaker 1: putting on me. So I don't know. Maybe it's, like 131 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,840 Speaker 1: I said in the journal, maybe it's because of what 132 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:27,679 Speaker 1: I do for a living, or just being seen. Since 133 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,360 Speaker 1: I was young and like a what's they call that? 134 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:36,719 Speaker 1: A spring duck? No, spring fish, spring chicken. I was 135 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 1: a spring chicken. And yeah, I am shy. I'm an introvert, 136 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,120 Speaker 1: and I still feel that way today. If I didn't 137 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,640 Speaker 1: have to leave my house in my backyard, I wouldn't. 138 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:52,360 Speaker 1: I love being home. I love being feeling safe and 139 00:09:52,440 --> 00:10:00,040 Speaker 1: protected and with my close, close friends and family. No, 140 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,120 Speaker 1: it just it just makes me feel safer. And I'm 141 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:08,880 Speaker 1: not sure what that is about, Like, Oh, I have 142 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 1: to get past that because I have to keep living 143 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,040 Speaker 1: my life. I'm only fifty. Don't get me wrong. I 144 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:16,680 Speaker 1: have a really full and busy life. But most of 145 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,760 Speaker 1: it happens from my house right now, unless I go 146 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,839 Speaker 1: somewhere for a job or fly to the East coast 147 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:27,079 Speaker 1: or whatever it is. But yeah, that feeling of needing 148 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,840 Speaker 1: to feel validated by others, I guess it's still in me. 149 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,600 Speaker 1: I don't know where it comes from. Mama, work on 150 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 1: it because I don't like it. And honestly, as I've 151 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,280 Speaker 1: gotten older, there are glimpses of moments when I do 152 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,360 Speaker 1: look in the mirror and I do love myself. I 153 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,400 Speaker 1: look at her and I say, wow, I love you, 154 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,480 Speaker 1: and I'm so grateful to you for all of these 155 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,760 Speaker 1: years that this body and this face has held up. 156 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,760 Speaker 1: You know, fifty two years is a long time. That's 157 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:03,200 Speaker 1: half a century. And I don't no one knows. I mean, 158 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:07,440 Speaker 1: we all know, no one knows if today's our last 159 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:11,920 Speaker 1: day here. We have to be able to live our 160 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:16,120 Speaker 1: lives to the fullest and not let our minds control 161 00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 1: our happiness or unhappiness. And I don't think it hurts 162 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 1: that since I turned fifty, I've joined this incredible group 163 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 1: of women who are all over fifty and we have 164 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:36,680 Speaker 1: a Facebook community. Ah, that did really sound old? What 165 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,720 Speaker 1: I just said right there. But we support each other, 166 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 1: and we teach each other how to love each other, 167 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,480 Speaker 1: and we encourage one another, and we root for each other, 168 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 1: and that has really lifted me up in the last 169 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:53,360 Speaker 1: few years. So I don't know, I would recommend if 170 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:57,160 Speaker 1: you don't have a group of women your own age 171 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: who you're talking to and sharing store with and supporting 172 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:05,000 Speaker 1: one another, I would recommend you go get in a 173 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:09,080 Speaker 1: Facebook chat Is that what it's called Facebook chat room? 174 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,840 Speaker 1: I don't even know, But go find some support on 175 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:15,560 Speaker 1: the internet because it is there and it makes huge difference. 176 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,360 Speaker 1: And you know what, I'm just still I think until 177 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:22,600 Speaker 1: my last breath, I will be a work in progress. 178 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:27,800 Speaker 1: I will be a body in progress, if you know, 179 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 1: you know. But yeah, it's interesting when we go back 180 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 1: and look at our old journals and we see the 181 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,240 Speaker 1: struggles that we've been through, and sometimes the struggles you 182 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,120 Speaker 1: read them over and over at just different points in 183 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,320 Speaker 1: your life. And sometimes the struggles are the exact same 184 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:49,959 Speaker 1: challenges that are the exact same things, just different circumstances. 185 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:55,000 Speaker 1: So I guess that message is keep on working, keep 186 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:59,560 Speaker 1: on trying, don't give up, don't let yourself take no 187 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:04,720 Speaker 1: for an answer on loving yourself. Thank you, guys for 188 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: listening to I Choose Me. I hope you're loving the 189 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:12,200 Speaker 1: podcast as much as I'm loving doing it. And yeah, 190 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,560 Speaker 1: just follow us and rate us and review us on 191 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,120 Speaker 1: all that jazz I love you have a great day.