Speaker 1: The holidays are amongst us. You're gonna have to be
Speaker 1: around family? Or will you have to be around fam?
Speaker 2: Baby, I'm not waiting till the holidays to decide who
Speaker 2: I want to be around or not, Darling. That has
Speaker 2: started at the top of the year and it is
Speaker 2: carrying on through the holiday season.
Speaker 3: Dead ass.
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 3: You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Speaker 2: Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form
Speaker 2: of therapy.
Speaker 3: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 2: we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: We about to take off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 3: Story time.
Speaker 1: So I am going to take y'all back to a
Speaker 1: recent situation I had with my family to discuss invites.
Speaker 3: Okay, So.
Speaker 1: Without saying any names, because I'm not going to out
Speaker 1: anybody in particular, I'm going to explain to you guys
Speaker 1: what I've been going through on my family.
Speaker 3: All Right.
Speaker 1: When Kadeen and I moved here four years ago, this
Speaker 1: was our second time moving out.
Speaker 3: Of the state.
Speaker 1: We lived in LA or well, no, we lived in
Speaker 1: Michigan for four years when I played ball, right then
Speaker 1: we moved back. Then we moved to LA for a
Speaker 1: year and a half. Then we moved to Georgia. Full
Speaker 1: transparency when we moved out of Brooklyn. Or while we
Speaker 1: was in Brooklyn, a lot of people didn't come see us.
Speaker 1: Fact that it didn't matter where we were, So we're
Speaker 1: not even gonna blame it on distance. We used to
Speaker 1: be in Brooklyn and nobody would come to that little
Speaker 1: ragged apartment that we had, right you know what, nobody
Speaker 1: York Avenue. You know, we was there ten years, didn't
Speaker 1: have a lot of visits. I could probably count on
Speaker 1: one hand how many times people came. So cut to
Speaker 1: we Now in Georgia, we've been here for four years.
Speaker 1: Some people come, some people don't.
Speaker 3: I invited. One of my uncles was like one of
Speaker 3: my favorite uncles.
Speaker 1: I invited him a bunch of times, and during the
Speaker 1: invite process he never had a chance to make it here.
Speaker 1: And something's happened to your family. When you're you know,
Speaker 1: sometimes you create distance and things happened. I thought he
Speaker 1: was upset at me.
Speaker 3: I thought he was.
Speaker 1: I thought he was pissed, and for lack of a
Speaker 1: better word, I thought he wasn't wucking with me. So
Speaker 1: now we're having a big family gathering here at the house.
Speaker 1: And since I had invited him for four years, when
Speaker 1: my dad asked me, like, yo, how we're gonna invite
Speaker 1: you know so and so I was just like, don't worry, Like,
Speaker 1: don't bother, they're not gonna come. After not inviting them.
Speaker 1: They became very upset that they weren't invited. So I
Speaker 1: was kind of like, how dare you be upset after
Speaker 1: being invited and not coming, So that now that you
Speaker 1: are invited and you don't, Oh, you're not invited, now
Speaker 1: you're upset, Which lead me to think about impact versus intent,
Speaker 1: because those two are very different. But a lot of
Speaker 1: times when you're trying to create boundaries with people, you
Speaker 1: have to consider intent versus impact. And that's what I
Speaker 1: want to talk about today.
Speaker 3: Baby.
Speaker 2: All right, well talk about it then we're gonna talk
Speaker 2: about it.
Speaker 1: So this song my wife came up with because when
Speaker 1: I tell you, this is my wife's attitude. This is
Speaker 1: literally my wife's attitude when it comes to people who
Speaker 1: she gotta put boundaries up.
Speaker 2: Listen, you want to start it, don't let my husband.
Speaker 2: Don't be giving my husband grief, baby, because anybody, and
Speaker 2: that goes for anybody, family, friends, coworkers, business folks, whoever
Speaker 2: it is. If anybody fuck with you, I don't fuck
Speaker 2: with them, which leads me to I don't fuck with you.
Speaker 2: You look stupid ass, So with you period. Okay, I
Speaker 2: don't even have to go no further with the song.
Speaker 2: That's just what it is.
Speaker 1: As you can tell my wife you know I'm a
Speaker 1: buckt her feelings as a period.
Speaker 2: You've got issues with your man and your woman. What,
Speaker 2: But don't tell your family facts, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: because we will hold on to that moment.
Speaker 3: That is a fact.
Speaker 2: So for my marriage folks out there, folks in relationships,
Speaker 2: just keep it between y'all two baby, because if you're anybody,
Speaker 2: if you got any family like Kadeen, Baby, she's ready
Speaker 2: to buck when people want to knock. All right, let's
Speaker 2: go pay some bills, y'all and let me cool down,
Speaker 2: and then we'll come back and we'll get into story
Speaker 2: time stick around.
Speaker 1: All right, we're back, So let me just just dive
Speaker 1: in a little bit here, just to provide some context
Speaker 1: when you when you have family, right, I'm learning now
Speaker 1: as I get older that family forever evolves.
Speaker 3: Like who is.
Speaker 1: Important to you in the moment changes as your family grows, Right,
Speaker 1: Because when you're part of a nuclear family, like me
Speaker 1: being a part of my mom and my dad's nuclear family,
Speaker 1: who they told me were important, I had to value right.
Speaker 1: So if their brothers and sisters, their mom and dad,
Speaker 1: their friends, but we had things like make sure you invite,
Speaker 1: make sure you were just because they had a nuclear family,
Speaker 1: they were putting together. Now, Kadeena and I have a
Speaker 1: nuclear family, and we're trying to make sure that we
Speaker 1: keep all of the people that were important to us together.
Speaker 1: You know, when sometimes people get invited, sometimes people don't.
Speaker 1: Sometimes life happens and you lose. You lose people, you know,
Speaker 1: as far as seeing them consistently. When we used to
Speaker 1: live in Brooklyn. Certain people we used to see all
Speaker 1: the time. And I'm going to add this context because
Speaker 1: the uncle that I ultimately didn't invite, he was an
Speaker 1: uncle that we would run to when we had things
Speaker 1: to do.
Speaker 3: So for example, if Kadeena.
Speaker 1: And I had an event or we had to go,
Speaker 1: I could drop Jackson. At the time, we only had
Speaker 1: one child, I could drop Jackson. Or maybe sometimes it
Speaker 1: was Cairo too possible to them and hit him and
Speaker 1: his wife and they would they would watch the kids
Speaker 1: and everything would be fine. Like and because we were
Speaker 1: so close, we were like I think it was like
Speaker 1: nine blocks away. Like you would go down New York
Speaker 1: Avenue three blocks and to make a left to Monroe
Speaker 1: Street and we would be right there.
Speaker 3: So it's super convenient.
Speaker 1: But when you can see people like that quick, you
Speaker 1: sometimes you know, you take for granted how important they
Speaker 1: are until you move away and you realize, like, damn,
Speaker 1: I don't see them as much. And in this particular story,
Speaker 1: I think a lot of that happened. We're talking about
Speaker 1: a family and I'm not gonna that's my uncle Kevin.
Speaker 1: You know it's my uncle Kevin. This is this is like,
Speaker 1: it's my my favorite uncle. This is my guy. He's
Speaker 1: the guy that I wanted to be like. He's the
Speaker 1: guy that taught me a lot about about women. I
Speaker 1: used to let me borrow his car, and you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Yeah, everybody knows what it was like with that favorite an.
Speaker 1: That's the guy that I you know, I looked up
Speaker 1: and I was just, man, if I can you he
Speaker 1: liked somebody when I didn't want to talk to my
Speaker 1: dad about things.
Speaker 3: I spoke to him.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh, Kevin really liked me off the bat too,
Speaker 2: which was nice. Oh yeah, he was like he was like,
Speaker 2: you know, everybody liked me off that shout out Kevin.
Speaker 3: He looked at you. He looked at you the first time.
Speaker 1: It was just like, you know, he's like, yo, dude,
Speaker 1: this is how my uncle talked me. Hey, yo, dude,
Speaker 1: she's cute. You know what I like the most? I
Speaker 1: was like what he was like, she's smart. He started
Speaker 1: asking you know's gonna ask you about grides and stuff,
Speaker 1: and they was asking you when you were having these
Speaker 1: conversations about academia and you know, what you want to
Speaker 1: do and stuff.
Speaker 3: And then he was looking at me.
Speaker 1: It was just like, y'all, I love the fact that
Speaker 1: she think I liked that, right, she's smart.
Speaker 3: That's my that's my uncle Kevin.
Speaker 2: That was me thinking like one hundred and twenty five pounds.
Speaker 1: He also told me too, he was just like you
Speaker 1: see now because I've said this on the podcast. He
Speaker 1: was the one, him and my pops just like you
Speaker 1: find the slim thick joints when they're early, because once
Speaker 1: they have kids, then they'll be the thick thick joint.
Speaker 3: So shout out to Uncle Kevin for giving me that.
Speaker 1: But over the past couple of years, I mean, he
Speaker 1: has two grown kids, three grown kids, two and a half.
Speaker 1: I like to see two and a half because one
Speaker 1: is outside of his marriage. Before he met my aunt
Speaker 1: Chattie him and he had my cousin Porsche, who was
Speaker 1: like growing up, was like my best friend. So he
Speaker 1: has three grown kids who have kids too. Porsha has
Speaker 1: three sons, so he has grandkids. Then Cal just got
Speaker 1: married and Ca engaged, and Ki got his own thing
Speaker 1: going on with school and training and stuff. So I
Speaker 1: was also under the impression that he had a lot
Speaker 1: going on. I have a lot going on. After a
Speaker 1: couple of years, you know, you lose touch with people.
Speaker 1: So during the time we lost touch, I had invited
Speaker 1: him to come down here a couple of times, and
Speaker 1: it was a couple of times I thought he had
Speaker 1: came to Georgia and didn't see us. And like in
Speaker 1: any family, you have disagreements and miscommunications. Miscommunication tends to
Speaker 1: be miscommunication. Me and my cousin Cale had some disagreements,
Speaker 1: some miscommunications. So because those years went by and we
Speaker 1: had these disagreements, when my unc who wasn't coming, I
Speaker 1: just thought that he wasn't rocking with us like that.
Speaker 1: I thought that he was just like, yo, I'm not
Speaker 1: going down there because family got they things, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Me and my sister went through our
Speaker 1: times when we weren't talking necessarily. We only talked when
Speaker 1: we saw each other at our parents' house because we
Speaker 1: couldn't have a conversation without, you know, being upset at
Speaker 1: each other.
Speaker 3: So I thought this was one of those things.
Speaker 1: So after not coming to a couple of invites, we
Speaker 1: were having a family thing that my dad was putting
Speaker 1: together and he had my aunt and my uncle and
Speaker 1: them on the list, and I said, don't bother inviting
Speaker 1: them because they're not gonna come guys.
Speaker 2: The family thing was supposed to be, Oh, we're gonna
Speaker 2: have a couple of family members come to see us
Speaker 2: and spend a weekend. I'm thinking twelve, fifteen, eighteen people,
Speaker 2: thirty seven. Forty four was the thing.
Speaker 3: It was forty four.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it ended up being forty four because, to your point,
Speaker 2: the nuclear family then becomes expansive as people gets older.
Speaker 2: There was forty four people here, absolutely, forty four people
Speaker 2: here because for example, your aunt has two daughters who
Speaker 2: now have two boyfriend right and such and such now
Speaker 2: has a fiance, and then all these people expanding more
Speaker 2: and more, right, and then you add our family that
Speaker 2: it was about fifty of us in here.
Speaker 1: You're right because when my dad first showed me the list,
Speaker 1: he didn't have the list of the significant.
Speaker 2: Other significant others.
Speaker 1: I didn't even think about that exactly. So we asked forty,
Speaker 1: well over forty people here. My dad was just like, YO,
Speaker 1: what am I I was like, YO, like they're not
Speaker 1: gonna come.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying? Was I in my feelings?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was in my feelings, And I was like, Yo,
Speaker 1: don't don't invite them, Like they're not gonna come. I've
Speaker 1: invited them so many times they don't care.
Speaker 2: And there's the question of sorry, before you continue. How
Speaker 2: many times do you invite somebody before they just you
Speaker 2: just stop inviting them, right, you know, because the same
Speaker 2: could be said for us. You know, not to deter
Speaker 2: from the story real quick, but the same can be
Speaker 2: said for us. We sometimes get invited things, often from
Speaker 2: a lot of people, and it's just like, damn, with scheduling,
Speaker 2: with kids, with life and work, with tours, with filming,
Speaker 2: it's like, damn, I can't come. So there is a
Speaker 2: couple of people who come to mind who invited me
Speaker 2: to thinks a couple of times, and I've been like, Damn,
Speaker 2: I can't make it, Damn, I can't make it. So
Speaker 2: do I then get into my feelings because I may
Speaker 2: not be invited to the next event that I might
Speaker 2: be available to make it to. At what point do
Speaker 2: you stop inviting people?
Speaker 1: That's a good question and we should do a podcast
Speaker 1: about that because I learned a lot during this situation
Speaker 1: about always inviting people, especially if those if there are
Speaker 1: people who've always been there for you, just because their
Speaker 1: life gets busy over the last couple of years and
Speaker 1: they can't come don't mean that you stop inviting them,
Speaker 1: you know, like we can't.
Speaker 3: And I'm glad you brought that up because I learned
Speaker 3: in this.
Speaker 1: Moment you can't put a whole forty year relationship into three.
Speaker 2: Years, meaning the three years of contemp.
Speaker 1: I've been on this earth for forty years and my
Speaker 1: uncle Kevin has been in my quarter for forty years.
Speaker 1: For the past three years, we haven't been on the
Speaker 1: same page. You know what I'm saying. I refuse to
Speaker 1: encompass everything that we've been through in forty years and
Speaker 1: just say, well, these three last three years, you've been
Speaker 1: like this, So I'm not fucking with you, right. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying based off of a disagreement, And
Speaker 1: I learned learned that through this, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: The whole point I told the story was, you know
Speaker 1: how we talked about intent versus impact. I said to
Speaker 1: my uncle when I found out that I found out
Speaker 1: that he was upset. My cousin Kire was upset, and
Speaker 1: I was just like, I don't understand why you're upset.
Speaker 1: I invite you to stuff and you don't come the
Speaker 1: minute I don't invite you. Now you're pissed off, right,
Speaker 1: And my biggest thing was I didn't invite you because
Speaker 1: I hated you. I didn't invite you because I thought
Speaker 1: you weren't gonna come. So my intent was not to
Speaker 1: hurt your feelings. My intent was to prevent my feelings
Speaker 1: from being hurt by saying, if I invite you and
Speaker 1: you don't come, I don't want to be disappointed, and
Speaker 1: oh set, I'm going to be impacted. So I tried
Speaker 1: to protect my peace right. And when I explained it
Speaker 1: to him, he said, you understood. When I explained it
Speaker 1: to my cousin, my anchiity. But then it made me
Speaker 1: really think about having this conversation on the podcast, right,
Speaker 1: how do you create boundaries with family when everyone's telling
Speaker 1: you to give grace but at the same time saying
Speaker 1: give you know, create boundaries. It almost seems like it's
Speaker 1: telling you the two opposite things at the same time,
Speaker 1: cause giving race means whatever happens, I how to understand
Speaker 1: where you're coming from, whereas creating boundaries means what you're
Speaker 1: going through is not my problem.
Speaker 3: I'm stopping it here, or it's.
Speaker 2: A protecting myself mechanism from what you know, the inevitable
Speaker 2: may be. So, for example, if you do have someone
Speaker 2: in your family and this is not your uncle or anyone.
Speaker 2: This is specifically hypothetically speaking. If you have someone who
Speaker 2: time and time again decides to disappoint you in whatever
Speaker 2: facet It can be not showing up or not calling
Speaker 2: or checking in whatever it may be, and then you decide,
Speaker 2: you know what, I'm just not going to be the
Speaker 2: one to touch base anymore or to continue to try
Speaker 2: to forge this relationship because it doesn't seem like the
Speaker 2: other party is doing. So you then are well within
Speaker 2: your right to say, you know what, just to protect myself,
Speaker 2: I'm going to create this boundary here while I can
Speaker 2: still give that person grace and be like, you know,
Speaker 2: they may be going through something as well, but I
Speaker 2: think we're necessary. They tend to be people naturally who
Speaker 2: want to protect ourselves.
Speaker 3: I agree.
Speaker 2: Versus the other person, I.
Speaker 1: Agree, But creating a boundary for yourself without communicating it
Speaker 1: to the other person is not fair.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, the communication is important.
Speaker 3: And that's where I messed up.
Speaker 1: That's why I messed up, And that's where you know
Speaker 1: I have to and I wanted to talk about this
Speaker 1: publicly so that I can teach people what I learned,
Speaker 1: because to be honest, I don't feel like I was
Speaker 1: wrong for not inviting them.
Speaker 3: I don't.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I've been inviting you for years and everything
Speaker 1: else was more important. I'm not going to keep doing
Speaker 1: that to myself, right. But what I could have done,
Speaker 1: which after speaking to my uncle, is I could have said,
Speaker 1: you're uncle, we having something at the crib. You ain't
Speaker 1: been here, so I'm not extending the invitation because there's
Speaker 1: a lot of people, and if I'm going to have
Speaker 1: a lot of people, I'm going to want to know
Speaker 1: who's going to be here. I'm afraid that if I
Speaker 1: invite you, you won't come, you won't show up. But
Speaker 1: then I would have held the spot. If I would
Speaker 1: have said that, it would have at least given him
Speaker 1: the opportunity to make a choice. I took his choice away.
Speaker 1: And that's when I said, you know what, I was
Speaker 1: right for protect through my piece, But I was wrong
Speaker 1: for not expressing how I felt and why because now
Speaker 1: I created a boundary. But I didn't give grace because
Speaker 1: remember you you said we ask for grace. I asked
Speaker 1: for grace all the time because I'm always traveling and
Speaker 1: I can't make things, so I'm always asking for grace.
Speaker 1: When I spoke to my uncle, I was like, yo,
Speaker 1: why you haven't been here. He explained to me what
Speaker 1: he was going through, had started a new job, working
Speaker 1: on all these things. And I said, damn, I didn't
Speaker 1: consider none of that. So here I am being selfish
Speaker 1: in myself saying my uncle, my uncle didn't come to
Speaker 1: see me.
Speaker 3: Me, me, me, me, my uncle here.
Speaker 2: You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And then in doing that and not speaking to him,
Speaker 1: I then created a boundary for myself which out without
Speaker 1: speaking to him.
Speaker 3: So now I hurt him.
Speaker 1: So now the way I impacted him was not how
Speaker 1: I intended, but I did, And I had to realize
Speaker 1: in that moment of value, like, yeah, you had a
Speaker 1: right to be upset, but think outside of yourself for
Speaker 1: a minute. Bro, your uncle been here in your whole life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he might have had a rough three years. That might
Speaker 1: have been some other stuff going on that you don't
Speaker 1: know about, and the men, and he couldn't be there
Speaker 1: for you the way you wanted him to be here
Speaker 1: for you.
Speaker 3: De vow you cut him off or didn't include him.
Speaker 1: You know what that is fucked up, And that's what
Speaker 1: made me think about, like, yo, how do we create
Speaker 1: boundaries but also give grace?
Speaker 2: Right? And so I think it just gets harder as
Speaker 2: you get older, because you started out by talking about
Speaker 2: like what your new nuclear family looks like, right, And
Speaker 2: at what point do you say, Okay, yes, I was
Speaker 2: attached to my mother and father and their siblings you know,
Speaker 2: aunts and uncles and then of course cousins. But then
Speaker 2: you create your own family with someone and you have
Speaker 2: your children, and then how do you continue to also
Speaker 2: I guess make room for the people who you've grown
Speaker 2: up with without it getting to be something that's overwhelming
Speaker 2: and you're always having to consider the feelings of all
Speaker 2: of these grown ass people. You know, because I've been
Speaker 2: on the opposite side of that too, where I'm just
Speaker 2: like some of the issues that my mom's generation, for example,
Speaker 2: was deal with, I'm like, that's not necessarily my cross
Speaker 2: to bear, that's my problem. These issues have happened long
Speaker 2: before I even was here, But here I am trying
Speaker 2: to be the person who's bridging the gap and being
Speaker 2: the middleman and bringing everyone together when it's like sometimes
Speaker 2: people don't want to be brought together or for your
Speaker 2: own sanity. Sometimes it's easier to just leave those people
Speaker 2: out and stick with your little nuclear family.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up, because that's why I
Speaker 1: wanted to have this discussion right understanding what intent is,
Speaker 1: right Truba.
Speaker 3: You know, she always includes the facts and stats, absolutely facts.
Speaker 1: Intent is the intention or purpose behind in action, while
Speaker 1: impact is the results of that action and how it's perceived.
Speaker 1: Intent is personal, while impact may be based on a
Speaker 1: person's background, personal experiences, and trauma.
Speaker 2: Way more loaded.
Speaker 3: The reason why that.
Speaker 1: Is important is because we as people right have to
Speaker 1: stop looking at our intent right and then giving ourselves
Speaker 1: a justified past because our intent was genuine, that does
Speaker 1: not mean that it didn't impact the person that you
Speaker 1: did it to in a negative a negative way.
Speaker 2: And do we then judge the person for the way
Speaker 2: they feel after they've been impacted because you're saying, but
Speaker 2: that's not how I meant it. Yeah, that's what was
Speaker 2: supposed to be. It's not even like that though. Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's lots of consider It really is lots of consider
Speaker 2: within relationship.
Speaker 1: When your intent does not match the impact it made
Speaker 1: on someone, it's important to listen to understand how to
Speaker 1: communicate with that person better. Although you may not have
Speaker 1: intended to cause harm, understanding how your actions have impacted
Speaker 1: someone can help you.
Speaker 3: Create a stronger connection.
Speaker 1: The reason why I think this is important, especially around
Speaker 1: the holiday seasons, is because this time of the year,
Speaker 1: people like Thanksgiving, how to go to this person house?
Speaker 1: I really don't.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And then we don't even ask ourselves why we feel
Speaker 1: that way. We just say we feel that way, and
Speaker 1: then we find ways to avoid that person, which creates
Speaker 1: more issues.
Speaker 2: Some people know exactly why they don't fuck with somebody
Speaker 2: and still feel like, you know what, Damn, I'm gonna
Speaker 2: have to sit through this. Or I feel like our
Speaker 2: generation now is more so the generation to say, you
Speaker 2: know what, I'm just not doing that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but but our generation still isn't having conversations. Our
Speaker 1: generation I call them the cut off generation.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: The generation before us was the avoid it, put it
Speaker 1: under the rugs, let's ignore it. That's this generation is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we're gonna point it out. We're gonna shame the people
Speaker 1: who don't like We're gonna we're going to just ignore
Speaker 1: them because I'm creating boundaries as I'm stronger, which isn't
Speaker 1: the right way either.
Speaker 2: The communication component is what's missing between the prior generation
Speaker 2: and our generation. Yes, it's the community communication.
Speaker 1: Because creating boundaries for yourself, while intended to be good
Speaker 1: for you, can also impact the person you created the
Speaker 1: boundary from in a negative way if you don't explain
Speaker 1: why you created that boundary, and that boundary can also
Speaker 1: create more trauma that can now.
Speaker 3: Lead to issues that your kids gotta did with.
Speaker 1: For example, we all know that those aunts and uncles
Speaker 1: who don't talk to each other.
Speaker 3: Right, and we don't even know why they don't talk
Speaker 3: to each other.
Speaker 1: But you know what happens now that aren't or uncle
Speaker 1: don't talk to the other aunt or uncle's kids.
Speaker 3: Right, Those kids don't know why.
Speaker 4: I have no idea, So you know what happens to
Speaker 4: those kids? They grow up saying fuck that uncle and
Speaker 4: that uncle and aunt has kids too. And I was like, wait,
Speaker 4: fuck my father or dad or mom fuck you. And
Speaker 4: now you got cousins beefit and we don't we don't
Speaker 4: know why.
Speaker 2: It just makes for really uncomfortable situations year after year.
Speaker 1: So this is what I want to do with this episode, right,
Speaker 1: I want to implore people to find out about your
Speaker 1: family history. You know how I was able to get
Speaker 1: through what I was going through with my uncle because
Speaker 1: it was a lot, It was heavy. We were upset
Speaker 1: each other for a minute, started to think back about
Speaker 1: my uncle's past. Then my aunt's passed her upbringing his upbringing.
Speaker 1: Then I had to think about his kids. Don't think
Speaker 1: about myself because the first thing we do is do.
Speaker 3: You know everything I've been through it hurt me? Because
Speaker 3: it is.
Speaker 1: It hurt my feelings, and it the whole time you're
Speaker 1: not thinking, well, what about the other person? So when
Speaker 1: I sat down and I started to actually think about
Speaker 1: the other members of my family, I could honestly say,
Speaker 1: no one woke up intending to hurt my feelings. So
Speaker 1: if they didn't intend to hurt my feelings, do I
Speaker 1: necessarily have to create a boundary that's a hard stop
Speaker 1: for that family member.
Speaker 3: And to me, the answer is.
Speaker 1: No, because as long as I know that your intent
Speaker 1: wasn't malicious, I can still extend grace.
Speaker 2: But that only came through communicating and researching because you
Speaker 2: were on the border, yes, were about to be like
Speaker 2: it was border that Like I'm done, and that's just
Speaker 2: what it is. But you then being you know, pretty mature,
Speaker 2: and I'm working to situations where I was just like,
Speaker 2: I'm not doing that, and he's just liked, I think
Speaker 2: you should, and I'm like, I'm not doing that, and
Speaker 2: he's like, I think you need to have that conversation.
Speaker 2: And after having conversations on my end with family members
Speaker 2: who I've had either disagreements with or didn't see eye
Speaker 2: to eye, it really is super eye opening when you
Speaker 2: get somebody else's perspective. And then you go from this
Speaker 2: weird place of being pissed off and annoyed at this
Speaker 2: person and being like ugh, to really having empathy and
Speaker 2: being like damn, no for real, being like, damn, I
Speaker 2: didn't realize that. A, that's what you were going through.
Speaker 2: That's you know, how you were raised. These are the
Speaker 2: things that you're contending with with your spouse or you know,
Speaker 2: whatever other relationships that are impacting you know, whatever decisions
Speaker 2: you've been making lately. And then it kind of makes
Speaker 2: you feel dumb, dumb, yeah, and it makes you feel
Speaker 2: like damn, like I was here harping on this one
Speaker 2: particular thing that made me feel some kind of way,
Speaker 2: and I didn't even realize that you had this plethora
Speaker 2: of other things where you were literally in survival mode.
Speaker 2: And see here I am judging you for that.
Speaker 3: That goes back to something else.
Speaker 1: I always say, right, as important as you think you are,
Speaker 1: you have to realize that you're not. Because here I
Speaker 1: was thinking that, damn, my uncle wasn't coming to see
Speaker 1: me because he's mad about this. He must be pissed
Speaker 1: about it. I created a whole narrative about why he
Speaker 1: was mad. Then I speak to him. This is another thing.
Speaker 1: Shout out to my uncle Harold, uncle Kevin's best friend.
Speaker 1: They grew up together, they were cops together. My uncle
Speaker 1: Kevin came to Georgia. Harold picked him up, didn't tell
Speaker 1: him he was coming to meet me, didn't tell me
Speaker 1: I was gonna meet him because me and my uncle
Speaker 1: at that time wasn't talking. We had got into a screaming,
Speaker 1: shouting match, you know, hung up the phone on each other,
Speaker 1: and we wasn't talking. And then we see each other.
Speaker 1: The minute we see each other, what happen? Like you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I give him a big hug.
Speaker 1: I'm bigger than him now, Like you know, when it's
Speaker 1: your uncle, you donally run up and jumping your uncle,
Speaker 1: but I'm big at him now. He gave me a
Speaker 1: big hug. I gave him a big hug, and we
Speaker 1: sat down. And when he's older than I am, my
Speaker 1: uncle's sixty something, so I know that generation very well,
Speaker 1: dealing with my parents and your parents. So when he
Speaker 1: sat down, it wasn't important to me in that moment
Speaker 1: to tell him everything I was going through. I said, please,
Speaker 1: please take the time and just tell me what's going on.
Speaker 2: But you also were seeking understanding because he knew it
Speaker 2: was so out of character for him, especially knowing him
Speaker 2: for so many years and the relationship you've had, so
Speaker 2: I think he really just wanted to.
Speaker 1: Utimately, I was concerned one about my uncle my uncle's
Speaker 1: mental space, because I know, especially for that generation in particular,
Speaker 1: there haven't been a lot of spaces for men to
Speaker 1: be vulnerable and speak about what they go through.
Speaker 3: So I had to sit back and say, dang, my
Speaker 3: uncle could be going through something.
Speaker 1: If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to anybody, it can
Speaker 1: spiral out of control. And I never want to see
Speaker 1: my uncle go through what I watched other men in
Speaker 1: my family go through dealing with dementia or stress, alcoholism,
Speaker 1: getting up and leaving like I was like, I always
Speaker 1: was concerned about how he was doing. So when we met,
Speaker 1: you know, and he was, I was just like, yo,
Speaker 1: just tell me. And for forty minutes he let me
Speaker 1: know everything he was going through. And the more he
Speaker 1: was letting me know what he was going through, I
Speaker 1: felt small because I say, here, I am thinking in
Speaker 1: my mind that you were upset about me, that.
Speaker 3: You weren't even He was like, yod, I wasn't even upset.
Speaker 1: I had a lot going on in my house and
Speaker 1: at work, and I was like, I'll get back to him.
Speaker 1: Now here's another thing. When you don't talk a lot,
Speaker 1: family talks. So Uncle Kevin saying I'll get back to you.
Speaker 1: He didn't even get a chance to get back to
Speaker 1: me because it had got back to someone else that
Speaker 1: he was upset at me. And by the time it
Speaker 1: got to me from a third party, everything that I
Speaker 1: thought he was upset about wasn't even what he was
Speaker 1: upset about, which taught me the importance of not always
Speaker 1: creating boundaries, but giving grace so that you can sit
Speaker 1: down and have conversations. Because if I would have just
Speaker 1: spent here like you know what, remember you said, I agreed.
Speaker 1: I was on that brink, like, yo, if he don't
Speaker 1: text me back today because I sent him a text,
Speaker 1: I'm good because I've.
Speaker 3: Done everything in my power.
Speaker 1: I was the more mature one, and if he don't
Speaker 1: get back to me, I'm not talking to him.
Speaker 3: And three days went by and I was like I'm good, Like, hey,
Speaker 3: I did my part. And imagine if.
Speaker 1: Harold didn't bring my uncle and we don't speak for
Speaker 1: months and then it becomes years, and then it's like
Speaker 1: I don't fuck with my uncle and he don't fuck
Speaker 1: with me. When time happens, now everyone has more time
Speaker 1: to create a narrative about what they think happens.
Speaker 2: Man. And when you say everyone, it's not even just
Speaker 2: you and him, because said of the conversation then expands
Speaker 2: to extended family and surrounding family, where it's like you're
Speaker 2: having conversations with everyone and they're given their perspective, which
Speaker 2: is then potentially adding to a narrative that wasn't even
Speaker 2: the narrative exactly. So that sometimes does more harm than good.
Speaker 2: And for you, it was a moment too. I think
Speaker 2: in those moments then about how you were feeling to
Speaker 2: give your side of the story, because I also feel
Speaker 2: like within families there's also this your side versus my
Speaker 2: side versus what we actually went down, and we get
Speaker 2: caught in the crossfire. A lot of times when we're
Speaker 2: having those family discussions with the family surrounding, it's about
Speaker 2: who said what, when, and how that impacted you, what
Speaker 2: I and the intent around them telling you what they
Speaker 2: told you.
Speaker 1: What I noticed about a lot of this from all sides,
Speaker 1: not just from my side, is that a lot of
Speaker 1: times in families, people are concerned about looking wrong to
Speaker 1: other people. So even when they tell stories or tell,
Speaker 1: you know, their idea of what happens, they always tell
Speaker 1: it in the light where they were the victim and
Speaker 1: the other person was this demon person. I was doing
Speaker 1: something bad, and I realized, boy, before that this in
Speaker 1: that way, before.
Speaker 3: This instant, that that's not the truth. Right.
Speaker 1: If I'm gonna tell a story to somebody, if I
Speaker 1: really want to seek understanding from a third party, I
Speaker 1: gotta tell the whole story, even the ones that may
Speaker 1: make me look a little bad, because.
Speaker 3: I have to be honest.
Speaker 1: The accountability, you gotta be accountable like and that's the
Speaker 1: first thing I did. When I spoke to Uncle Harold,
Speaker 1: I was like, yo, he was like, what's going on
Speaker 1: with you and your uncle? I didn't start by saying
Speaker 1: he did he did? No, I said, okay, let me
Speaker 1: be honest. There were some things that I did first
Speaker 1: that I feel like would have if I would have
Speaker 1: changed my mentality or my thought process, we wouldn't have.
Speaker 1: And it's bad, but this is what happened, and that
Speaker 1: he was listening. And one thing about Uncle Harro he's
Speaker 1: a former detective. He wasn't there what happened first. Whoever happens,
Speaker 1: whoever did this first, is the one who's guilty. No,
Speaker 1: he didn't do that. The minute I finished talking, he said,
Speaker 1: it's some bullshit. Y'all acting like some bitches. And he
Speaker 1: was just like, y'all need to grow up. This is
Speaker 1: not Yes, he was like, this is not important enough
Speaker 1: for y'all not to be talking right, And he was
Speaker 1: listening to me.
Speaker 3: But the thing is, he didn't even have to validate
Speaker 3: what I was saying.
Speaker 1: The fact that he just listened and let me speak
Speaker 1: without interrupting me made me hear myself. And then while
Speaker 1: I was talking to him, I was like, dang, this
Speaker 1: sounds so fucking stupid, Like, why am I arguing with
Speaker 1: someone who I admired so much for forty years? About
Speaker 1: three years, you know, And that's less than ten percent
Speaker 1: of the time that we've spent together. And in those
Speaker 1: three years, we've probably spent three days together, whereas for
Speaker 1: the other thirty.
Speaker 3: Seven we were around each other week after week.
Speaker 1: And that's why I really wanted to talk to everybody
Speaker 1: in the podcast and be like, Yo, the holidays is
Speaker 1: coming up. There's gonna be that cousin, that nephew, that sister,
Speaker 1: that brother, that mother that you're gonna be like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to talk to this motherfucker. I'm asked, I'm
Speaker 1: begging you take the time to sit down and ask
Speaker 1: that person what they've been going through and what's going on,
Speaker 1: and just listen, just listen. You may find it in
Speaker 1: your heart to extend some grace.
Speaker 2: You may because you may further that boundary or you
Speaker 2: know what're like, this is exactly why I wasn't fucking
Speaker 2: with you at this time.
Speaker 3: Anyway.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, that's the most fairest thing ever. As my son,
Speaker 1: who has no boundaries, what's the upcoder, just walk right
Speaker 1: in here with his Apple slices. Now you talking about
Speaker 1: somebody not having boundaries, it's d Koda and.
Speaker 2: We're gonna give him grace because he has something feeling
Speaker 2: well today, because your mommy's always gonna give grace. I
Speaker 2: love that, but no, you're absolutely right about that. I
Speaker 2: think the conversation component between it's like that bridge between
Speaker 2: grace and boundary, you know what I mean, it's having
Speaker 2: the conversation. I had a similar situation with family member
Speaker 2: as well that for years I was just so upset,
Speaker 2: so upset about the way she was existing and the
Speaker 2: things that she was doing. And you also realize too
Speaker 2: after a while that sometimes within family they're being enabled
Speaker 2: by other family members at the same time. So it's
Speaker 2: like you can't even get mad at one family member
Speaker 2: for their actions because somebody else is allowing it to happen.
Speaker 2: So you realize, you know what, that's not even my
Speaker 2: battle to fight, Like, why am I over here upset?
Speaker 2: Why am I over here, you know, distancing myself when
Speaker 2: everybody else seems to be okay with it. So if
Speaker 2: everybody else is okay with it, all I know at
Speaker 2: that point is that I can step away the boundary
Speaker 2: that I create is to know, yes, I understand what's happening.
Speaker 2: Everybody's entitled to feel their way they feel, but I'm
Speaker 2: also entitled to say, you know what I said my piece,
Speaker 2: and I can walk away and I can still exist
Speaker 2: and coexist in spaces with them where we're still family.
Speaker 1: Thanks, And that's that's ultimately, Like, what I've come to
Speaker 1: terms with is that extending grace doesn't also mean that
Speaker 1: you have to cross your own boundaries. You just have
Speaker 1: to figure out where that line is. And I have
Speaker 1: my moment of truth. That's what I was writing down.
Speaker 1: I have a moment of truth that I feel really
Speaker 1: strongly about. So after we take this break and we
Speaker 1: get to these listener letters, we can come back.
Speaker 2: But before we go to the listener letters, you got
Speaker 2: to like round out the story. So Vin came back.
Speaker 2: Know what happened here? You know I'm saying, because this
Speaker 2: is a devout story. Time is an extended, extended clip
Speaker 2: today episode of Time.
Speaker 1: And I'm excited to talk about this because we always
Speaker 1: talk about how dead Ass podcast is therapy for us.
Speaker 1: My family was going through it. You know, my mom
Speaker 1: was upset, my grandmother was upset. You know, my uncle Kevin,
Speaker 1: was upset. His family was upset. My I was upset.
Speaker 1: You were upset.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: So this is real things. But the resolution of it
Speaker 1: is really what I'm proud of. Because my uncle I
Speaker 1: brought Uncle Kevin here, we saw each other.
Speaker 3: That was a surprise. He didn't tell Uncle Kevin.
Speaker 2: I wish I said it before you left the house.
Speaker 2: So Uncle Harold called a vout and was like, Hey,
Speaker 2: I need you to meet up with me real quick,
Speaker 2: just some stuff. I want to talk to you over
Speaker 2: the phone. And I literally was like, I wondered if
Speaker 2: Kevin's and I should have said it to you, because
Speaker 2: that's the first thing that crossed my mind, and I
Speaker 2: was like, Nah, he wouldn't have came down like this
Speaker 2: quick to have this conversation.
Speaker 1: I'm glad that you didn't, because if you would have
Speaker 1: said that to me, I would have asked you, Harold,
Speaker 1: you got Kevin with you because if he's not, I
Speaker 1: need to be prepped because I don't know how I'm
Speaker 1: going to respond or how he's going to respond. Because
Speaker 1: I definitely would have been like, yo, don't do that
Speaker 1: to him neither, because he was the one that was
Speaker 1: really really upset. And one thing I've learned to about boundaries.
Speaker 1: When someone says they're upset and they want to talk
Speaker 1: about it, when they can get their emotions together, surprising
Speaker 1: them or popping up with an intervention, you.
Speaker 3: Got to respect that. That's not cool.
Speaker 1: But the fact that Uncle Harold did that, it shows
Speaker 1: that he knows his friend.
Speaker 2: True.
Speaker 1: The fact that my uncle was willing to sit down
Speaker 1: and have a conversation with me shows the love that
Speaker 1: my uncle has for me. But also I love him too,
Speaker 1: like he got a chance to realize, like damn, my nephew.
Speaker 1: Because all Harold had to do was tell me one
Speaker 1: time I got to talk to you about some stuff
Speaker 1: or meet me here.
Speaker 3: And I was like, all I bet you know.
Speaker 1: Like I didn't ask a bunch of questions. I was like,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm here, like where you at. So it
Speaker 1: was a good feeling to see my uncle pop up
Speaker 1: the minute I saw him, and he smiled.
Speaker 3: I smile because.
Speaker 2: Y'all really knew y'all was being bitches, didn't you.
Speaker 1: No, No, he said to Harold. He said to Harrold
Speaker 1: on the phone, he was like, your Harold. Harold relaxed,
Speaker 1: like this ain't gonna last too long, and Harold was like, well.
Speaker 3: He touched you.
Speaker 1: You should have responded back, like my uncle Harold, don't
Speaker 1: hold no punches. He's like you like yo, Like you
Speaker 1: like that deserves a response? keV Like You're not supposed to.
Speaker 3: Do that, right.
Speaker 2: I harrow twoice in my life, and both times I
Speaker 2: was like, I absolutely love this man. I don't know
Speaker 2: what it is about him, but I love his spirit.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's well.
Speaker 1: What you do love about him too, is that he
Speaker 1: had a near death experience and watched his family be
Speaker 1: there for him, you know, throughing.
Speaker 3: All of through all of that.
Speaker 1: So his perspective on life is nothing is more important
Speaker 1: than the people who are willing to be there for you.
Speaker 1: When you think this is your last breath, and when
Speaker 1: you take what you think is your last breath, you
Speaker 1: gotta think about it.
Speaker 3: The house, the.
Speaker 1: Cars, this to that, the money, all that stuff don't matter.
Speaker 1: You're thinking I'm never going to see these people again.
Speaker 3: And when that.
Speaker 1: Becomes your reality, you start to look at some of
Speaker 1: your actions as a person and.
Speaker 3: You think this is stupid.
Speaker 1: I'm acting like a bitch, Like you know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: why am I letting this even bother me? That much.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna let it get creeping my brain. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we're not beefing. I mean we're not talking.
Speaker 3: We beefing. What's up? Tell me what?
Speaker 1: Just give me your perspective, what you think happened. And
Speaker 1: during that time when they talking, don't be looking to
Speaker 1: defend you know why they feel that way?
Speaker 3: I mean, yes, that used to be you all the time.
Speaker 2: Absolute I was always like I was the one that
Speaker 2: was heavy on the intent. I'm like, man, I did
Speaker 2: not know. There's no part of me, there's no bone
Speaker 2: in my body that had any malice with this intent.
Speaker 2: But so the fact that you took it that way
Speaker 2: and it impacted you that way is crazy to me,
Speaker 2: and that that used to be my thing, especially with
Speaker 2: you and I I pledged to I can't believe you
Speaker 2: feel this way when really all I was doing was
Speaker 2: this And then in that turn, you felt like I
Speaker 2: was trying to diminish how you felt, or trying to
Speaker 2: dismiss how you felt, or not trying to empathize how
Speaker 2: you felt, when really I couldn't get past the fact,
Speaker 2: like what did I do wrong? And that's just having
Speaker 2: a self reflection for me. When you're thinking about the
Speaker 2: intent portion of it. What did I do or how
Speaker 2: did I deliver this or what action did I do?
Speaker 2: How could I have done it differently so I didn't
Speaker 2: get this impact or you didn't get this impact? You know.
Speaker 2: So that was always my thing when it came to
Speaker 2: disagreements with you, and but you know, thankfully, through this
Speaker 2: podcast and through our relationship, been able to just extend
Speaker 2: this to our extended families.
Speaker 1: But also once again, you trying to explain why you
Speaker 1: did it also speaks to your intent. M you know
Speaker 1: not you know not you know saying well, I see
Speaker 1: how that impacted you is why arguments keep going. You know,
Speaker 1: if someone says, YO, poke me in my eye, and
Speaker 1: that person just is I didn't do it on purpose,
Speaker 1: But you poked me in my eye. But I didn't
Speaker 1: do it on purpose. My eyes bleeding, I have scratched it,
Speaker 1: I can't see, I'm blind. I used to have twenty
Speaker 1: twenty visions. Now I have zero zero vision in my eye.
Speaker 1: And that person goes, but I didn't do it on purpose.
Speaker 1: You're gonna be like, that's all you care about. You
Speaker 1: don't even care about my eye. All you care about
Speaker 1: is how you look in this situation. I can't even
Speaker 1: look because I can't see.
Speaker 2: Nobody wants to be the bad guy, and that's the problem.
Speaker 2: You just want your eye kissed, right.
Speaker 3: My one eye? You know it got one eye. I
Speaker 3: guess it's time to take a break.
Speaker 2: I guess a break.
Speaker 3: So Kaki kissed the one eyed monster since she brought
Speaker 3: it up.
Speaker 2: I know, I know, we do some stupid. Goodbye, Let's
Speaker 2: go pay some bills to come back. I don't even
Speaker 2: know what I was gonna say.
Speaker 3: I don't know how my brain goes there.
Speaker 2: Seg to pay the bills, and it just went over
Speaker 2: my head because.
Speaker 3: You're trying to pay some bills. Go ahead, go ahead,
Speaker 3: take it. Take it to break. Let's take it break.
Speaker 2: We'll be back with Listen Letters. Y'all stick around, all right?
Speaker 3: We back.
Speaker 2: Now, we are back, and I'll jump into Listener Letters
Speaker 2: your money, all right. First off, I wanted to say
Speaker 2: that I love your podcast. I've been a longtime listener
Speaker 2: and fan, and I really enjoy the down to earth
Speaker 2: conversations that you guys have. Thank you. That being said,
Speaker 2: the episode with Kaylin Allen really uplifted me to strive
Speaker 2: for better in their life. That's why we do it,
Speaker 2: you go. I am a thirty three year old woman
Speaker 2: and I have a one year old son. I've always
Speaker 2: been driven to get a better education and land corporate job,
Speaker 2: so I initially went that route and got my bachelor's
Speaker 2: degree in healthcare management, along with a multitude of associate
Speaker 2: degrees and diplomas.
Speaker 3: Your mother would love them.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah. After experiencing a layoff a few years back,
Speaker 2: it really shifted my entire mindset and made me realize
Speaker 2: that my happiness does not reside in my degrees nor
Speaker 2: our jobs. Absolutely yet, I've spent so much time spinning
Speaker 2: my wheels trying to figure out what does. So I
Speaker 2: ended up remaining in corporate America, even though I loathe it.
Speaker 2: There's no natural talent that I have that sticks out financially. Sorry,
Speaker 2: I think I jumped the gun here. There's no natural
Speaker 2: talent that I have that sticks out to me, nor
Speaker 2: any particular passions. My only goal is to live a
Speaker 2: financially wealthy life, not like me. Tell baby girl, I
Speaker 2: know exactly how you feel.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 2: I strive to be low key wealthy, but I can't
Speaker 2: figure out what direction or niche that I'd like to
Speaker 2: go into. I did start drop shipping clothing business a
Speaker 2: while back librevilling dot Com, but honestly, I haven't put
Speaker 2: that effort into it because it just doesn't feel like
Speaker 2: my calling. The reason why Klein Allen's particular episode stuck
Speaker 2: out to me is because he is so aware, confident,
Speaker 2: and bold about his life goals as a whole. That
Speaker 2: is a fact at twenty six is crazy, definitely. I mean,
Speaker 2: he looks twenty six, but I definitely thought he was
Speaker 2: older based off of his demeanor. Sometimes I really do
Speaker 2: wish there was an easier way to distinguish what my
Speaker 2: passions and desires are, to have a better understanding of
Speaker 2: what direction to go into that that can lead to fulfillment. Ultimately,
Speaker 2: it's solely just my drive for financial success pushing me along,
Speaker 2: and I realize that it's likely why I've been spinning
Speaker 2: my wheels, unsure of what direction to go in. The
Speaker 2: only major thing I've done outside of corporate is purchase
Speaker 2: land that I will hopefully be able to add a
Speaker 2: home and tenant one day, and I honestly question if
Speaker 2: that was even the right investment or direction. Every day
Speaker 2: I want to ensure that myself and my son are
Speaker 2: set up in the long run financially and escape corporate
Speaker 2: America entirely, but currently walking in circles. Any advice about
Speaker 2: how to go into the right direction concerning starting my
Speaker 2: business or investment opportunities if there's no real passion behind it, Sincerely,
Speaker 2: the purposeless Entrepreneur travel.
Speaker 1: So many people have asked me the same question, and
Speaker 1: they say, Devalo, you know I've heard you tell a
Speaker 1: story about how you knew what you want to do
Speaker 1: with You was five and you wanted to act and
Speaker 1: you knew this. It's like, I don't know what I
Speaker 1: want to do, Like how do I find that out?
Speaker 1: And you know what, I realized people don't travel anymore.
Speaker 1: Like a lot of people feel like the digital age
Speaker 1: is how they can see the world, so they're force
Speaker 1: fed all of these things. And the thing is, the
Speaker 1: algorithm only shows you things you click on, so you
Speaker 1: can't discover anything. Really, it's going to force feed your
Speaker 1: stuff you already know. So it gets boring and you.
Speaker 3: Start to feel like, well, I know everything and I
Speaker 3: don't love anything about this.
Speaker 1: I have no passions. I have no passions, I have
Speaker 1: no talent. That's not true. Get out there and travel
Speaker 1: the world. Go do something, put your feet on the ground,
Speaker 1: use your hands. Like, there's so much more to the
Speaker 1: world than just making money. And the reason why I
Speaker 1: say that is because you know, people say it's the time.
Speaker 1: You know, money ain't doesn't solve happen, it's money to
Speaker 1: bring you. Oh that's a rich people saying No, that
Speaker 1: is a fact, because because when I was broken poor
Speaker 1: and I was playing football, football, and I was making
Speaker 1: a lot of money, I was not happy, that's fact.
Speaker 1: And I was ready to leave and people asked me, like,
Speaker 1: why you leave football? So you quit football? I was
Speaker 1: because I wasn't fucking happy, right, So there wasn't amount
Speaker 1: of money that was going to be given to me.
Speaker 1: But because my parents made sure that we traveled a
Speaker 1: lot and I saw so many different things, I was
Speaker 1: able to try things and realize, oh, I love doing this,
Speaker 1: and that's how I found my passion. So the only
Speaker 1: way you can find your passion passion is to do
Speaker 1: some soul searching. Meditate by yourself, go travel by yourself.
Speaker 1: I know you have a child. I heard them say
Speaker 1: they have a child. Ye go out there and see
Speaker 1: playing girl. Yeah, I mean if she is financially stable
Speaker 1: enough to do that. That's a really good idea. What
Speaker 1: made me think it's funny that you mentioned travel. But
Speaker 1: what I was as I was reading her story and
Speaker 1: I was thinking about it, I'm wondering, at thirty three,
Speaker 1: was there anything that she was exposed to or involved
Speaker 1: in as a kid that is like, man, I really
Speaker 1: enjoyed when I did that. Like for me, for example,
Speaker 1: growing up being in pageants, being on stage, being in
Speaker 1: front of the camera, dance competitions, all of those things,
Speaker 1: I think if it if I didn't have it naturally,
Speaker 1: it kind of just fostered that love for wanting to
Speaker 1: be in entertainment and on the stage and in front
Speaker 1: of the camera. So for me, that was something that
Speaker 1: worked out being a passion of mine where it's just
Speaker 1: this is something that I enjoy.
Speaker 2: But I also do feel like her. I can empathize
Speaker 2: where I have moments where I'm just like, well, shit,
Speaker 2: I just give me the money portion of it, right,
Speaker 2: give me the money portion of it, Because I sometimes
Speaker 2: have moments like I've been going through and maybe the
Speaker 2: past two or three weeks that I was just like, Yo,
Speaker 2: what's going on with you? Your and it it's been off,
Speaker 2: and I'm like man, I think I'm burnt out. I
Speaker 2: think this year really like was a lot with us,
Speaker 2: with work and business and transitions and all of that,
Speaker 2: to the point where I'm just like, damn, like right
Speaker 2: now my peace of mind is superseding my passion for
Speaker 2: anything but my family.
Speaker 3: I hear you, but I just think people have to
Speaker 3: let me ask you a question. What's what's your passion?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 3: What do you want? Like when people.
Speaker 1: Ask you your mission statement for your life?
Speaker 3: What is your mission statement for your life?
Speaker 2: See? Everything? When I think about that, I really everything
Speaker 2: goes back to my family. It goes back to my
Speaker 2: four boys.
Speaker 3: In you or do you have a specific mission statement?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: How old are you?
Speaker 2: I'm forty almost one.
Speaker 1: The reason why I'm asking you that question is because
Speaker 1: she at thirty three is saying she don't know yet.
Speaker 3: And my point is everybody doesn't know yet.
Speaker 1: Because Kaylin knew in his twenties doesn't mean everybody has
Speaker 1: to know in their twenties. To feel fulfilled, you spend
Speaker 1: time in your life searching for the truth, the truth
Speaker 1: about the afterlife, the truth about purpose, the truth about passion.
Speaker 1: You're in your thirties, the fact that you're seeking something
Speaker 1: knows that you're not fulfilled by what you're doing, so
Speaker 1: keep searching. But that doesn't mean that you're lost and
Speaker 1: you don't know. That just means you have more to
Speaker 1: do on your journey.
Speaker 2: And here you hear you know what I'm saying. I
Speaker 2: man get that because, like you said, as a forty
Speaker 2: year old woman, I'm still some days like that's my point.
Speaker 2: What exactly, what exactly makes sense for me? Like what
Speaker 2: do I really want to do? Like if God literally
Speaker 2: was like kadive right now in this moment, I will
Speaker 2: grant you whatever it is that you want, with whoever
Speaker 2: it is you want, whatever job you want. It's probably
Speaker 2: not going to be a daytime talk show. It's probably
Speaker 2: not going to be something on camera. It's going to
Speaker 2: be give me a healthy, prosperous life with my husband
Speaker 2: and my four boys. That would be it. You know.
Speaker 2: So everybody's passion looks different. And I love family. That
Speaker 2: is it supersedes everything.
Speaker 3: And listen to what you say. You said long process.
Speaker 1: So you you you prioritize health, Yes, you prioritize longevity,
Speaker 1: you prioritize consistency, and you prioritize family. So it seems
Speaker 1: as if you do know what you want. I think
Speaker 1: some people just can't articulate what it is that they want,
Speaker 1: but you do know what you want.
Speaker 2: Or as a woman, we're also conditioned to feel like
Speaker 2: you need to do all the things. You need to
Speaker 2: have the career, and you need to have all these
Speaker 2: things able to be able to be deemed successful. And
Speaker 2: then you have women who are just like I don't
Speaker 2: want a family. I want the career and the passion,
Speaker 2: and that's where my passion.
Speaker 1: But why do people have to create their ideas of
Speaker 1: what success is based on other people's ideologies condition to do?
Speaker 1: But that, to me is the first part. If you're
Speaker 1: really seeking, like your your purpose for yourself, you have
Speaker 1: to look inward, right, why do I care what society
Speaker 1: says about how I'm supposed to be successful if that's
Speaker 1: your sole purpose? Oh not purpose, If that's the impetus
Speaker 1: of your thoughts. Your impetus of your thoughts is I
Speaker 1: have to be able to please, appease or please society.
Speaker 1: You're always going to feel like this young lady here.
Speaker 1: You have to find it within yourself to say I
Speaker 1: like this for me, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2: Do it and not be worried about what everyone else
Speaker 2: may be thinking. Yeah, yeah, essentially, good luck to you, sis.
Speaker 2: I pray you find purpose and become the purpose full entrepreneur.
Speaker 3: Do we have time for the second one on?
Speaker 2: I think we might.
Speaker 3: How are we doing on time trouble? Oh?
Speaker 2: Perfect, you read this? I read a second number two.
Speaker 3: Hey, Kadeen and Deval. I'm going to start off like
Speaker 3: the rest of your listening letters.
Speaker 1: I love y'all down, thank you so much, and DVO,
Speaker 1: I know you hate this, but you're a couple. I
Speaker 1: do hate it, but I appreciate y'all, and I do
Speaker 1: hear what y'all are saying as far as a couple goals.
Speaker 1: Y'all are not saying that we are a couple goals,
Speaker 1: but the way that we communicate with each other and
Speaker 1: we work together is a goal that they aspire for
Speaker 1: their selves.
Speaker 3: So I'll receive that.
Speaker 2: Sorry, we'll start leaning into that.
Speaker 1: I'll stop saying that I hate it because I understand
Speaker 1: you guys are making it very clear.
Speaker 3: So we appreciate y'all.
Speaker 1: I'm constantly trying to get my man to listen to
Speaker 1: your podcast with me, because anything y'all talk about is
Speaker 1: always a good conversation.
Speaker 3: Starter.
Speaker 1: But let me get to the point of my letter.
Speaker 1: I'm thirty eight, my man is thirty four. We've been
Speaker 1: together for seven years, and this is the longest rate
Speaker 1: relationship either of us have have been in. I had
Speaker 1: a son prize to our relationship, but he's been in
Speaker 1: his life since he was five. He just turned thirteen.
Speaker 1: We have two boys together, four and two, so three
Speaker 1: boys I look up to y'all, but I cannot go
Speaker 1: for the fourth. So when we first started dating, I
Speaker 1: really didn't have a goal of marriage because I had
Speaker 1: been in some shitty relationships and just kind of adopted
Speaker 1: the mentality that it would be easier to walk away
Speaker 1: from a relationship than a marriage. But close to our
Speaker 1: second year of dating, I started to change my thought
Speaker 1: process because I knew this was my person I like,
Speaker 1: like I said previously, this is the longest relationship either
Speaker 1: of us have been in been in, and marriage was
Speaker 1: never something he aspired to have because he never seen
Speaker 1: a successful marriage. You know, it's funny. I talked about
Speaker 1: this on another podcast earlier. People were saying, like, you know,
Speaker 1: there's some comments. Was just like, you know, I watched
Speaker 1: the violence coadean stuff, but it just seems fake. And
Speaker 1: I said to the young lady that was interviewing me,
Speaker 1: I said, you have to understand where someone's coming from.
Speaker 1: Imagine growing up your whole entire life and you've never
Speaker 1: seen a healthy marriage or relationship, and it here comes
Speaker 1: somebody on a screen that says they're doing it this way.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I wouldn't believe them neither. You know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 3: I haven't seen it.
Speaker 2: Yes, So I understand why people like that too, because
Speaker 2: it's like that's probably coming from a place of like
Speaker 2: hurt too, you know, like I never really got to
Speaker 2: experience it, so it has to be fake.
Speaker 1: Yeah, But the couple, but the past couple of years,
Speaker 1: he's made comments more than I have about marriage and
Speaker 1: calling me his future wife.
Speaker 3: I liked, I love that, but he still has yet
Speaker 3: to propose.
Speaker 1: I'm starting to get a little annoyed, and I'm not
Speaker 1: sure if I even want to want it anymore, because
Speaker 1: I'm starting to feel like he's just dangling in my
Speaker 1: face and that he's making the comments to keep up
Speaker 1: keep me content with the idea that it's going to
Speaker 1: happen soon.
Speaker 2: Want to get married.
Speaker 3: Fact, so that don't make no sense.
Speaker 1: But Hey, listen, man, I never want to seem like
Speaker 1: I'm giving him an ultimatum, but I also don't appreciate
Speaker 1: him saying things like, oh, I almost told them your
Speaker 1: last name is blank, but it's not. It's not on
Speaker 1: your ID yet, or acting like he was about to
Speaker 1: propose on my most recent birthday as fucked up.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: So I feel about the fake proposal, even the name
Speaker 1: chase thing. But do I ask him to stop saying
Speaker 1: things altogether if he's not going to do it? Do
Speaker 1: I just ignore him? What do you think I should do?
Speaker 1: I've told him I don't need the grand gesture and
Speaker 1: I don't need the most expensive ring. I barely want
Speaker 1: a wedding, So I'm not sure if he's waiting on
Speaker 1: the perfect moment I'm confused now, or if he's just
Speaker 1: being the procrastinator.
Speaker 3: So do she want to get married or not? Because
Speaker 3: right now it seems like she wants to get married
Speaker 3: like she does.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's another story on another day about the procrastination.
Speaker 1: I know everyone's journey is different, but I'm getting annoyed
Speaker 1: because we built a life together and are still building
Speaker 1: so I don't understand the hold up.
Speaker 3: I need some advice.
Speaker 2: Okay, So first of all, you want to get married
Speaker 2: is the first thing.
Speaker 3: Clearly she wants to get married, but she wants you want.
Speaker 2: To get married, right And even though you have not
Speaker 2: or he has not seen any successful marriage, you guys
Speaker 2: aspire to be married. In terms of him going back
Speaker 2: and forth, I'm not sure what that is, if he's
Speaker 2: trying to catch you off guard or not. But one
Speaker 2: thing that vou did tell me, and I've learned from
Speaker 2: a lot of men in our lives and things you know,
Speaker 2: guys in passing, is that men always have a plan
Speaker 2: and they always know when they're going to.
Speaker 1: Do it, not not knowing men no no, no, no no, no, don't.
Speaker 2: Don't don't do that all is a very strong one
Speaker 2: who I've spoken to and included said that men, good goodness,
Speaker 2: good men who have good intentions, yes, a plan, who
Speaker 2: have a plan for your future as a collective, they
Speaker 2: essentially know how they're trying to roll things out, whether
Speaker 2: it's saving money for ring, saving money for a potential wedding,
Speaker 2: saving money for a life.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, so there's.
Speaker 2: A possibility there that that's what he's doing. Now. I
Speaker 2: think it's worth if anything, a conversation to say, hey, babe,
Speaker 2: like you've been teasing me a little bit, like what's
Speaker 2: going on here? Are you really wanting to get married?
Speaker 2: Are you really thinking seriously about this proposal? And a
Speaker 2: girl just sit tight.
Speaker 3: Tight because you said you wouldn't want to get married before.
Speaker 2: So maybe he's warming up to the marriage idea, or
Speaker 2: maybe this is his way of finding out, giving little
Speaker 2: jokes to see how you would react to it.
Speaker 1: So let's let's remember we talked about understanding your partner
Speaker 1: in history, right she said she's never seen a healthy marriage.
Speaker 1: He's never seen a healthy marriage, So if he's considering
Speaker 1: getting married, he doesn't even know how to ask you.
Speaker 3: Maybe the Joe is a way. I almost said your
Speaker 3: last name was Ellis. But you know it's not.
Speaker 2: Just to see if you like what you might say,
Speaker 2: because if you.
Speaker 1: Say that, then maybe he's like, yo, she do want
Speaker 1: to get married? Or you say it could be Yellis
Speaker 1: and you like, I ain't marrying you? That he know
Speaker 1: not to propose, you know what I'm saying, Like, maybe
Speaker 1: he's trying to figure it out because she already said
Speaker 1: he doesn't know how to be exact in a relationship.
Speaker 3: And they both don't.
Speaker 2: And his intent maybe to gauge, you know, temperature check
Speaker 2: how you're feeling, but it's impacting you in the wrong way.
Speaker 3: That's way because now.
Speaker 2: Like now, I'm frustrated and I don't know what he's
Speaker 2: doing because he's not he's not being straightforward with me.
Speaker 2: But a serious conversation.
Speaker 3: Crazy is she.
Speaker 1: Went from not wanting to ever get married right to
Speaker 1: him making a joke to her now wanting to marry
Speaker 1: somebody else. How you went from not wanting to be married,
Speaker 1: so now he made a joke and now you're just
Speaker 1: ready to marry now, she said, I didn't want to
Speaker 1: give him an ultimatum, but he needs to hurry up.
Speaker 2: What what like the ultimatum? I gave the vow, which
Speaker 2: he says an ultimatum, and it wasn't an ultimatum, but
Speaker 2: he took it as such.
Speaker 3: Shit or get off the pot is like literally an ultimatum.
Speaker 2: But I did not say that. Okay, I told you
Speaker 2: I was moving back to New York so that way
Speaker 2: I can pursue my career, and.
Speaker 1: Because you wasn't my wife, you would have to move on.
Speaker 1: If that's an ultimatum, No.
Speaker 2: It was telling you to get. You decide what gets
Speaker 2: the impactful and intentional simultaneously, sir, So let me ask question.
Speaker 2: At least you knew what she wanted to do after that,
Speaker 2: Because here we are, let.
Speaker 3: Me ask a serious question, all right.
Speaker 1: If a young lady asked Jackson, Jackson, Look, they've been
Speaker 1: dating for a while, and Jackson is playing some things
Speaker 1: and he's trying to get some things in order, and
Speaker 1: she says, look, Jackson, I'm leaving. I'm moving back to
Speaker 1: my hometown to figure it out because you take it
Speaker 1: too long. Would you take that as an ultimatum or
Speaker 1: say I didn't say you.
Speaker 2: Were taking too long.
Speaker 1: Then you literally said to me, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: be your living girlfriend.
Speaker 3: You have to make a decision or I'm moving on.
Speaker 2: No, I didn't say I was moving on in life.
Speaker 2: I said I was moving back to New York my career.
Speaker 2: You could have came and find me in New York
Speaker 2: if you wanted to.
Speaker 1: So what you're saying it was you was you also
Speaker 1: you still wanted to be in a relationship. You just
Speaker 1: wanted to be in a relationship long distance because I
Speaker 1: hadn't proposed yet.
Speaker 2: No, I wanted to know what you were serious about doing,
Speaker 2: and in the meantime, while you were figuring it out,
Speaker 2: I wasn't gonna be stagnant in Detroit. I was gonna
Speaker 2: go to New York to pursue my career. Get out
Speaker 2: my camera, Get out my camera.
Speaker 3: Came you don't want to take no accountability for this ultimatum.
Speaker 3: She gave me.
Speaker 2: Ultimatum. You can call it an ultimatum. It was me
Speaker 2: moving forward with the plans I had for my career
Speaker 2: because I felt like I had invested enough time in
Speaker 2: Detroit not doing anything.
Speaker 1: So you saying to me you didn't want to be
Speaker 1: my living girlfriend and you was moving on doesn't make
Speaker 1: that appear like an ultimatum.
Speaker 2: You gotta say the whole thing. I was moving, not
Speaker 2: moving on from you. I was moving back to New
Speaker 2: York to pursue my career. And you could have came
Speaker 2: and got me in New York, and you could have
Speaker 2: moved back to New York once you were done with
Speaker 2: the football and stuff, and then we could have continued
Speaker 2: our relationship.
Speaker 5: Then, no matter how you spun it, it was I'm
Speaker 5: leaving because of my own personal reasons, and you either
Speaker 5: get with the program or you come with me.
Speaker 3: Was that not what it was?
Speaker 2: Yes, it was.
Speaker 3: Does that not sound like an ultimatum? People? Can we
Speaker 3: not do this?
Speaker 2: Like? Like, can we not do back away from my camera?
Speaker 2: Thank you? I pretty much knew that I needed to
Speaker 2: move on with my career because I was sitting in
Speaker 2: Detroit with you, being of service to you when I
Speaker 2: was not even your wife. Yet I had put in
Speaker 2: some years.
Speaker 3: Okay, you'd only want to put in years. I didn't
Speaker 3: put in no years.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you were also pursuing your career, so why
Speaker 2: can I pursue mine?
Speaker 3: But I was also acting as your husband.
Speaker 1: I was paying all of your bills, I was paying
Speaker 1: for your car, I was buying your clothes.
Speaker 3: Absolutely I was.
Speaker 1: I was doing all the things that a husband was doing, right,
Speaker 1: But you just said you put in years like you
Speaker 1: was doing stuff a wife was and I wasn't.
Speaker 2: No, at that time, I was getting pressure from my parents.
Speaker 2: What's going on with your career? What's going on with
Speaker 2: your reason?
Speaker 1: The reason why you gave me an ultimatum? Don't say
Speaker 1: it wasn't ultimatum, but it was. Look, Deval, I'm leaving
Speaker 1: you either proposed or you come back to New York
Speaker 1: with me, because I'm not gonna be your.
Speaker 2: Could have came to New York and propose the New
Speaker 2: York like you did.
Speaker 1: You're right, you're right, But either way, that's an ultimatum.
Speaker 1: When you tell someone I'm leaving or do this, that
Speaker 1: is an ultimatum.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 1: I know women have, you know, trouble, like with things
Speaker 1: like accountability. I get that, but come on, like, we
Speaker 1: got people who'll be watching us that you gotta be honest. Bro,
Speaker 1: you can't tell that woman like you literally said to
Speaker 1: at the end of the thing, sit tight, hold your horses.
Speaker 3: You told her that I was sitting tight.
Speaker 2: It's what I would have been, sitting tight in New
Speaker 2: York pursuing my career.
Speaker 1: All right, all right, you know what this is this
Speaker 1: Watch growth, Watch growth, watch growthod you got it, babe.
Speaker 2: See my intent to let you know I was going
Speaker 2: back to New York.
Speaker 3: Didn't.
Speaker 2: I didn't think it was impacting you as an ultimatum.
Speaker 2: I was just letting you know what my plan was
Speaker 2: for my career.
Speaker 3: The impact is definitely an ultimatum.
Speaker 1: It was an ultimatum, pack all right, it was, and
Speaker 1: it was because it impacted me in a way where
Speaker 1: I was like, shit, I'm about to lose her.
Speaker 3: I ain't trying to lose this, so let me get
Speaker 3: on my horse.
Speaker 1: So I proposed, I personally don't think all ultimatums are bad.
Speaker 1: I don't, but I do think if you're giving someone
Speaker 1: ultimate an ultimatum without providing them with a way to
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, like, I think that that's bad.
Speaker 1: I will still staying ten toes down with the fact
Speaker 1: that you gave me an ultimatum.
Speaker 3: You're not gonna talk me off of that. That's the
Speaker 3: hell I'm willing to die on.
Speaker 2: That's fine, but my heels, I.
Speaker 1: Will say, you were never wishy washy. The problem with
Speaker 1: me with ultimatums is that people be wishy washy. For example,
Speaker 1: I don't really want to get married. I don't know
Speaker 1: about relationships. I haven't seen healthy relationships. D He better
Speaker 1: hurry up because I'm getting tired. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It's like you can't give someone an ultimatum or say
Speaker 1: you don't. You were very clear, you said, Nigga, I
Speaker 1: want to be married. I don't want to be your
Speaker 1: living We knew that was.
Speaker 2: Always that was always my trajectory.
Speaker 3: When it came to you it's still an ultimatum.
Speaker 2: All right, y'all. I don't like that ultimatum, y'all. I
Speaker 2: gave the an ultimatum. I can't even say with a
Speaker 2: straight face because it's not accurate anyway.
Speaker 1: We're gonna take you. We're gonna ask this at the
Speaker 1: end of the at the end of the episode, sure will.
Speaker 2: I want you to come here and tune in and
Speaker 2: they can give.
Speaker 1: Us let's go when we come. We come out of
Speaker 1: this after show. We're talking about ultimates ultimat after show.
Speaker 2: If you want to be featured as a future listening letter,
Speaker 2: be sure to email us at dead as Advice at
Speaker 2: gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 3: V I C E at gmail.
Speaker 2: All Right, moment of true time Today, we're talking impact
Speaker 2: versus intent, particularly when it comes to familial relationships and
Speaker 2: going into the holidays and what that's going to look
Speaker 2: like for everyone. Because I know that there's people who
Speaker 2: experience a lot of anxiety around this time of year
Speaker 2: for a number of reasons when it comes to family,
Speaker 2: but particularly having to gather together. So what's your moment
Speaker 2: true Because you have some of you right, you were
Speaker 2: feeling it in that already papers.
Speaker 1: If you're on your way driving to work, don't write
Speaker 1: this down, just listen to it.
Speaker 3: You listen back, all right.
Speaker 1: The thin line that exists between creating a boundary or
Speaker 1: extending a grace exists with intent. That's how you decide
Speaker 1: whether you're going to give grace or create a boundary.
Speaker 2: That's a bar in, a thin line between boundary and grace.
Speaker 1: Is intent is intense. If you can, if you can
Speaker 1: use discernments to decipher whether that person was being truthful
Speaker 1: and genuine about their feelings and how they were going
Speaker 1: to deal with you, extend grace. If that person was
Speaker 1: being manipulative and malicious and was trying to hurt you,
Speaker 1: create a boundary. It's all about the intent as long
Speaker 1: as you can use discernment to figure it out. Create
Speaker 1: grace or give grace. I mean, create a boundary or
Speaker 1: give grace. Here's the crazy part. If you can't discern
Speaker 1: create a boundary, think about it. If you sit down
Speaker 1: with this person, you're like, I don't know if this
Speaker 1: person is being intention on something, I'll create a boundary.
Speaker 3: If I don't know, boundary create.
Speaker 2: You know what's funny? That kind of made me think
Speaker 2: of what I was going to say, and for me,
Speaker 2: my moment of truth was like, at some point in life,
Speaker 2: you reach the point where you realize that the family
Speaker 2: that you exist in is sometimes that nuclear family that
Speaker 2: you created, and sometimes it's okay to protect your peace
Speaker 2: and not have to cater to and run behind everybody
Speaker 2: in what they facts.
Speaker 3: Facts.
Speaker 2: That's true, because like that's true what you said, and
Speaker 2: the point of this episode. Of course, we're always going
Speaker 2: to err on the side of being the bigger person,
Speaker 2: or at least trying to be the person the foster
Speaker 2: that communication between relationships, whether it's you know, romantic relationships
Speaker 2: or family relationships. But sometimes you reach a point where
Speaker 2: you realize, like some relationships ran its course, and that's okay,
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying with family members, even because
Speaker 2: as you get older. One thing that I've realized as
Speaker 2: I got older, just because someone is an actual family
Speaker 2: member meaning aunt, cousin, you know, grandparent, it doesn't negate
Speaker 2: the fact that maybe y'all don't see the eye to eye.
Speaker 2: Maybe that's just not a person that you would even
Speaker 2: converse with or hang with on a regular basis because
Speaker 2: you just have a difference of opinions you don't stand
Speaker 2: for the same things, and realizing that that's okay, yeah.
Speaker 1: No one's entitled to your time, that's okay yeah, or
Speaker 1: your space or your energy, right, and you're not. You know,
Speaker 1: you're not entitled to anyone else's so you got to
Speaker 1: recognize that too. You may be on the receiving end
Speaker 1: of that from someone and have to say, you know what, you.
Speaker 2: May exactly just go out gracefully, don't give no ultimatums
Speaker 2: and nothing. Just say hey, you got it.
Speaker 1: You can give me ultimatum, I'm gonna remove me, or
Speaker 1: you can give an ultimatum and call it something very different.
Speaker 3: People tend to do that at times too, all right,
Speaker 3: just so you know.
Speaker 2: Shut us a valve anyway. Be sure y'all to find
Speaker 2: us on Patreon to see exclusive Deadass podcast video content,
Speaker 2: as well as Ella's family content and behind the scenes.
Speaker 2: You can also find us on social media at dead
Speaker 2: Ass the podcast, I'm Kadena, I Am.
Speaker 3: And I Am Devo.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review,
Speaker 1: and subscribe, and make sure you pick up your copy
Speaker 1: of We Over Me. The Counterintuitive Approach to getting everything
Speaker 1: you want out of your relationship.
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Speaker 1: Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network,
Speaker 1: and it's produced by Donor, Opinia and Triple Follow the
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