WEBVTT - No Drama For Christmas 0:00:00.640 --> 0:00:04.680 The holidays are amongst us. You're gonna have to be 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:08.640 around family? Or will you have to be around fam? 0:00:10.000 --> 0:00:12.200 Baby, I'm not waiting till the holidays to decide who 0:00:12.200 --> 0:00:14.239 I want to be around or not, Darling. That has 0:00:14.280 --> 0:00:16.080 started at the top of the year and it is 0:00:16.440 --> 0:00:19.040 carrying on through the holiday season. 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:20.479 Dead ass. 0:00:22.440 --> 0:00:25.880 Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's. 0:00:26.840 --> 0:00:28.800 You may know us from posting funny videos with. 0:00:28.760 --> 0:00:32.400 Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form 0:00:32.400 --> 0:00:33.000 of therapy. 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:36.959 Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow. 0:00:37.200 --> 0:00:39.839 Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:40.280 we are. 0:00:40.760 --> 0:00:43.640 We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:45.519 Li's most taboo topics. 0:00:45.159 --> 0:00:48.040 Things most folks don't want to talk about. 0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:50.160 Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass 0:00:50.240 --> 0:00:52.320 is a term that we say every day. So when 0:00:52.320 --> 0:00:56.120 we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred 0:00:56.640 --> 0:00:59.120 the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 0:00:59.280 --> 0:01:01.840 We about to take off to our whole new level. 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:06.320 Dead ass starts right now. 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:08.640 Story time. 0:01:09.000 --> 0:01:11.640 So I am going to take y'all back to a 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:17.679 recent situation I had with my family to discuss invites. 0:01:18.160 --> 0:01:19.759 Okay, So. 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:24.199 Without saying any names, because I'm not going to out 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:26.840 anybody in particular, I'm going to explain to you guys 0:01:26.920 --> 0:01:28.440 what I've been going through on my family. 0:01:28.600 --> 0:01:28.959 All Right. 0:01:29.200 --> 0:01:32.640 When Kadeen and I moved here four years ago, this 0:01:32.720 --> 0:01:34.880 was our second time moving out. 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:35.280 Of the state. 0:01:35.800 --> 0:01:39.959 We lived in LA or well, no, we lived in 0:01:40.000 --> 0:01:42.280 Michigan for four years when I played ball, right then 0:01:42.319 --> 0:01:45.120 we moved back. Then we moved to LA for a 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:49.520 year and a half. Then we moved to Georgia. Full 0:01:49.560 --> 0:01:52.040 transparency when we moved out of Brooklyn. Or while we 0:01:52.080 --> 0:01:53.840 was in Brooklyn, a lot of people didn't come see us. 0:01:54.000 --> 0:01:56.200 Fact that it didn't matter where we were, So we're 0:01:56.200 --> 0:01:57.840 not even gonna blame it on distance. We used to 0:01:57.840 --> 0:01:59.600 be in Brooklyn and nobody would come to that little 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:03.440 ragged apartment that we had, right you know what, nobody 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:08.720 York Avenue. You know, we was there ten years, didn't 0:02:08.720 --> 0:02:11.520 have a lot of visits. I could probably count on 0:02:11.520 --> 0:02:15.280 one hand how many times people came. So cut to 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:17.520 we Now in Georgia, we've been here for four years. 0:02:17.520 --> 0:02:18.800 Some people come, some people don't. 0:02:19.880 --> 0:02:23.040 I invited. One of my uncles was like one of 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:23.800 my favorite uncles. 0:02:23.800 --> 0:02:26.280 I invited him a bunch of times, and during the 0:02:26.360 --> 0:02:29.720 invite process he never had a chance to make it here. 0:02:30.400 --> 0:02:32.400 And something's happened to your family. When you're you know, 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:35.440 sometimes you create distance and things happened. I thought he 0:02:35.520 --> 0:02:36.160 was upset at me. 0:02:36.960 --> 0:02:37.600 I thought he was. 0:02:37.639 --> 0:02:39.679 I thought he was pissed, and for lack of a 0:02:39.720 --> 0:02:41.960 better word, I thought he wasn't wucking with me. So 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:44.880 now we're having a big family gathering here at the house. 0:02:44.919 --> 0:02:48.679 And since I had invited him for four years, when 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:51.040 my dad asked me, like, yo, how we're gonna invite 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:53.720 you know so and so I was just like, don't worry, Like, 0:02:53.800 --> 0:02:57.320 don't bother, they're not gonna come. After not inviting them. 0:02:57.320 --> 0:03:01.280 They became very upset that they weren't invited. So I 0:03:01.400 --> 0:03:04.320 was kind of like, how dare you be upset after 0:03:04.400 --> 0:03:08.040 being invited and not coming, So that now that you 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:10.839 are invited and you don't, Oh, you're not invited, now 0:03:10.840 --> 0:03:16.960 you're upset, Which lead me to think about impact versus intent, 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:20.400 because those two are very different. But a lot of 0:03:20.440 --> 0:03:23.440 times when you're trying to create boundaries with people, you 0:03:23.560 --> 0:03:27.200 have to consider intent versus impact. And that's what I 0:03:27.240 --> 0:03:28.240 want to talk about today. 0:03:28.280 --> 0:03:28.560 Baby. 0:03:28.639 --> 0:03:31.960 All right, well talk about it then we're gonna talk 0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:32.400 about it. 0:03:32.919 --> 0:03:37.240 So this song my wife came up with because when 0:03:37.280 --> 0:03:40.400 I tell you, this is my wife's attitude. This is 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:43.160 literally my wife's attitude when it comes to people who 0:03:43.240 --> 0:03:44.720 she gotta put boundaries up. 0:03:45.000 --> 0:03:48.000 Listen, you want to start it, don't let my husband. 0:03:48.840 --> 0:03:52.800 Don't be giving my husband grief, baby, because anybody, and 0:03:52.840 --> 0:03:57.200 that goes for anybody, family, friends, coworkers, business folks, whoever 0:03:57.280 --> 0:04:01.320 it is. If anybody fuck with you, I don't fuck 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:04.920 with them, which leads me to I don't fuck with you. 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:10.040 You look stupid ass, So with you period. Okay, I 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:12.240 don't even have to go no further with the song. 0:04:12.680 --> 0:04:13.640 That's just what it is. 0:04:13.880 --> 0:04:15.560 As you can tell my wife you know I'm a 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:17.719 buckt her feelings as a period. 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:22.240 You've got issues with your man and your woman. What, 0:04:22.279 --> 0:04:24.719 But don't tell your family facts, you know what I'm saying, 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:27.640 because we will hold on to that moment. 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:28.520 That is a fact. 0:04:28.720 --> 0:04:31.240 So for my marriage folks out there, folks in relationships, 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:33.440 just keep it between y'all two baby, because if you're anybody, 0:04:33.480 --> 0:04:36.599 if you got any family like Kadeen, Baby, she's ready 0:04:36.640 --> 0:04:40.760 to buck when people want to knock. All right, let's 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:43.240 go pay some bills, y'all and let me cool down, 0:04:44.600 --> 0:04:46.560 and then we'll come back and we'll get into story 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:47.479 time stick around. 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:52.920 All right, we're back, So let me just just dive 0:04:52.960 --> 0:04:57.360 in a little bit here, just to provide some context 0:04:59.440 --> 0:05:03.560 when you when you have family, right, I'm learning now 0:05:03.600 --> 0:05:07.080 as I get older that family forever evolves. 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:08.400 Like who is. 0:05:08.400 --> 0:05:13.600 Important to you in the moment changes as your family grows, Right, 0:05:13.600 --> 0:05:15.400 Because when you're part of a nuclear family, like me 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:17.919 being a part of my mom and my dad's nuclear family, 0:05:18.320 --> 0:05:21.719 who they told me were important, I had to value right. 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:24.600 So if their brothers and sisters, their mom and dad, 0:05:24.680 --> 0:05:27.480 their friends, but we had things like make sure you invite, 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:29.719 make sure you were just because they had a nuclear family, 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:32.480 they were putting together. Now, Kadeena and I have a 0:05:32.560 --> 0:05:34.520 nuclear family, and we're trying to make sure that we 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:37.200 keep all of the people that were important to us together. 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:40.080 You know, when sometimes people get invited, sometimes people don't. 0:05:40.160 --> 0:05:44.320 Sometimes life happens and you lose. You lose people, you know, 0:05:44.360 --> 0:05:46.400 as far as seeing them consistently. When we used to 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:48.680 live in Brooklyn. Certain people we used to see all 0:05:48.680 --> 0:05:50.640 the time. And I'm going to add this context because 0:05:51.200 --> 0:05:53.720 the uncle that I ultimately didn't invite, he was an 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:55.560 uncle that we would run to when we had things 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:55.800 to do. 0:05:56.120 --> 0:05:57.560 So for example, if Kadeena. 0:05:57.240 --> 0:05:59.800 And I had an event or we had to go, 0:06:00.120 --> 0:06:04.880 I could drop Jackson. At the time, we only had 0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:07.080 one child, I could drop Jackson. Or maybe sometimes it 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:10.200 was Cairo too possible to them and hit him and 0:06:10.240 --> 0:06:12.080 his wife and they would they would watch the kids 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:14.600 and everything would be fine. Like and because we were 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:17.280 so close, we were like I think it was like 0:06:17.400 --> 0:06:19.800 nine blocks away. Like you would go down New York 0:06:19.839 --> 0:06:22.040 Avenue three blocks and to make a left to Monroe 0:06:22.040 --> 0:06:23.479 Street and we would be right there. 0:06:23.920 --> 0:06:24.960 So it's super convenient. 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:28.360 But when you can see people like that quick, you 0:06:28.480 --> 0:06:32.880 sometimes you know, you take for granted how important they 0:06:32.920 --> 0:06:35.920 are until you move away and you realize, like, damn, 0:06:35.960 --> 0:06:39.119 I don't see them as much. And in this particular story, 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:40.840 I think a lot of that happened. We're talking about 0:06:40.839 --> 0:06:42.760 a family and I'm not gonna that's my uncle Kevin. 0:06:43.160 --> 0:06:44.960 You know it's my uncle Kevin. This is this is like, 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:47.400 it's my my favorite uncle. This is my guy. He's 0:06:47.440 --> 0:06:49.440 the guy that I wanted to be like. He's the 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:51.680 guy that taught me a lot about about women. I 0:06:51.760 --> 0:06:53.440 used to let me borrow his car, and you know 0:06:53.480 --> 0:06:54.240 what I'm saying. 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:56.280 Yeah, everybody knows what it was like with that favorite an. 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:58.640 That's the guy that I you know, I looked up 0:06:58.680 --> 0:07:00.120 and I was just, man, if I can you he 0:07:00.240 --> 0:07:01.680 liked somebody when I didn't want to talk to my 0:07:01.720 --> 0:07:02.599 dad about things. 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:03.200 I spoke to him. 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:05.400 Yeah. Oh, Kevin really liked me off the bat too, 0:07:05.440 --> 0:07:08.680 which was nice. Oh yeah, he was like he was like, 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:12.200 you know, everybody liked me off that shout out Kevin. 0:07:13.160 --> 0:07:15.320 He looked at you. He looked at you the first time. 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:17.600 It was just like, you know, he's like, yo, dude, 0:07:17.720 --> 0:07:20.200 this is how my uncle talked me. Hey, yo, dude, 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:23.040 she's cute. You know what I like the most? I 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:27.680 was like what he was like, she's smart. He started 0:07:27.720 --> 0:07:30.320 asking you know's gonna ask you about grides and stuff, 0:07:30.320 --> 0:07:31.880 and they was asking you when you were having these 0:07:31.920 --> 0:07:35.200 conversations about academia and you know, what you want to 0:07:35.240 --> 0:07:35.800 do and stuff. 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:36.720 And then he was looking at me. 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:38.360 It was just like, y'all, I love the fact that 0:07:38.400 --> 0:07:40.600 she think I liked that, right, she's smart. 0:07:40.720 --> 0:07:42.280 That's my that's my uncle Kevin. 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:45.080 That was me thinking like one hundred and twenty five pounds. 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:47.440 He also told me too, he was just like you 0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:50.320 see now because I've said this on the podcast. He 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:52.360 was the one, him and my pops just like you 0:07:52.480 --> 0:07:55.440 find the slim thick joints when they're early, because once 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:58.360 they have kids, then they'll be the thick thick joint. 0:07:58.440 --> 0:08:00.200 So shout out to Uncle Kevin for giving me that. 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:02.960 But over the past couple of years, I mean, he 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:06.920 has two grown kids, three grown kids, two and a half. 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:08.480 I like to see two and a half because one 0:08:08.520 --> 0:08:10.560 is outside of his marriage. Before he met my aunt 0:08:10.640 --> 0:08:13.680 Chattie him and he had my cousin Porsche, who was 0:08:13.720 --> 0:08:16.120 like growing up, was like my best friend. So he 0:08:16.160 --> 0:08:19.920 has three grown kids who have kids too. Porsha has 0:08:20.000 --> 0:08:23.320 three sons, so he has grandkids. Then Cal just got 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:27.200 married and Ca engaged, and Ki got his own thing 0:08:27.320 --> 0:08:30.520 going on with school and training and stuff. So I 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:32.480 was also under the impression that he had a lot 0:08:32.520 --> 0:08:35.079 going on. I have a lot going on. After a 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:38.160 couple of years, you know, you lose touch with people. 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:40.760 So during the time we lost touch, I had invited 0:08:40.840 --> 0:08:42.280 him to come down here a couple of times, and 0:08:42.320 --> 0:08:43.880 it was a couple of times I thought he had 0:08:43.920 --> 0:08:46.920 came to Georgia and didn't see us. And like in 0:08:47.000 --> 0:08:51.600 any family, you have disagreements and miscommunications. Miscommunication tends to 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:55.080 be miscommunication. Me and my cousin Cale had some disagreements, 0:08:55.080 --> 0:08:58.160 some miscommunications. So because those years went by and we 0:08:58.200 --> 0:09:00.880 had these disagreements, when my unc who wasn't coming, I 0:09:00.960 --> 0:09:02.760 just thought that he wasn't rocking with us like that. 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:04.280 I thought that he was just like, yo, I'm not 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:06.599 going down there because family got they things, you know 0:09:06.640 --> 0:09:08.640 what I'm saying. Me and my sister went through our 0:09:08.679 --> 0:09:12.160 times when we weren't talking necessarily. We only talked when 0:09:12.160 --> 0:09:14.360 we saw each other at our parents' house because we 0:09:14.400 --> 0:09:18.320 couldn't have a conversation without, you know, being upset at 0:09:18.360 --> 0:09:18.720 each other. 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:20.800 So I thought this was one of those things. 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:25.640 So after not coming to a couple of invites, we 0:09:25.640 --> 0:09:27.880 were having a family thing that my dad was putting 0:09:27.880 --> 0:09:29.920 together and he had my aunt and my uncle and 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:31.880 them on the list, and I said, don't bother inviting 0:09:31.920 --> 0:09:33.400 them because they're not gonna come guys. 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:35.680 The family thing was supposed to be, Oh, we're gonna 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:38.360 have a couple of family members come to see us 0:09:38.360 --> 0:09:42.320 and spend a weekend. I'm thinking twelve, fifteen, eighteen people, 0:09:42.480 --> 0:09:45.079 thirty seven. Forty four was the thing. 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:46.000 It was forty four. 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:49.440 Yeah, it ended up being forty four because, to your point, 0:09:49.880 --> 0:09:53.440 the nuclear family then becomes expansive as people gets older. 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:56.160 There was forty four people here, absolutely, forty four people 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:58.760 here because for example, your aunt has two daughters who 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:01.760 now have two boyfriend right and such and such now 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:04.600 has a fiance, and then all these people expanding more 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:06.480 and more, right, and then you add our family that 0:10:06.520 --> 0:10:07.760 it was about fifty of us in here. 0:10:07.840 --> 0:10:10.040 You're right because when my dad first showed me the list, 0:10:10.480 --> 0:10:13.880 he didn't have the list of the significant. 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:14.520 Other significant others. 0:10:14.520 --> 0:10:17.640 I didn't even think about that exactly. So we asked forty, 0:10:18.200 --> 0:10:20.559 well over forty people here. My dad was just like, YO, 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:22.800 what am I I was like, YO, like they're not 0:10:22.840 --> 0:10:23.360 gonna come. 0:10:23.600 --> 0:10:25.199 You know what I'm saying? Was I in my feelings? 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:27.160 Yeah, it was in my feelings, And I was like, Yo, 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:29.520 don't don't invite them, Like they're not gonna come. I've 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:31.000 invited them so many times they don't care. 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:34.600 And there's the question of sorry, before you continue. How 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:37.560 many times do you invite somebody before they just you 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:40.199 just stop inviting them, right, you know, because the same 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:43.520 could be said for us. You know, not to deter 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:45.760 from the story real quick, but the same can be 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:48.920 said for us. We sometimes get invited things, often from 0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:51.559 a lot of people, and it's just like, damn, with scheduling, 0:10:51.640 --> 0:10:54.120 with kids, with life and work, with tours, with filming, 0:10:54.480 --> 0:10:56.040 it's like, damn, I can't come. So there is a 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:57.599 couple of people who come to mind who invited me 0:10:57.640 --> 0:10:59.960 to thinks a couple of times, and I've been like, Damn, 0:11:00.120 --> 0:11:01.920 I can't make it, Damn, I can't make it. So 0:11:02.000 --> 0:11:05.120 do I then get into my feelings because I may 0:11:05.160 --> 0:11:06.679 not be invited to the next event that I might 0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:08.560 be available to make it to. At what point do 0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:09.600 you stop inviting people? 0:11:09.840 --> 0:11:11.600 That's a good question and we should do a podcast 0:11:11.600 --> 0:11:14.240 about that because I learned a lot during this situation 0:11:14.360 --> 0:11:17.120 about always inviting people, especially if those if there are 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:19.680 people who've always been there for you, just because their 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:21.719 life gets busy over the last couple of years and 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:23.760 they can't come don't mean that you stop inviting them, 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:25.319 you know, like we can't. 0:11:25.600 --> 0:11:28.120 And I'm glad you brought that up because I learned 0:11:28.160 --> 0:11:28.439 in this. 0:11:28.480 --> 0:11:35.000 Moment you can't put a whole forty year relationship into three. 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:37.480 Years, meaning the three years of contemp. 0:11:37.600 --> 0:11:40.320 I've been on this earth for forty years and my 0:11:40.440 --> 0:11:42.760 uncle Kevin has been in my quarter for forty years. 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:45.400 For the past three years, we haven't been on the 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:49.360 same page. You know what I'm saying. I refuse to 0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:52.600 encompass everything that we've been through in forty years and 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:54.679 just say, well, these three last three years, you've been 0:11:54.720 --> 0:11:56.400 like this, So I'm not fucking with you, right. You 0:11:56.440 --> 0:11:59.640 know what I'm saying based off of a disagreement, And 0:11:59.679 --> 0:12:01.720 I learned learned that through this, you know what I'm saying. 0:12:02.320 --> 0:12:05.000 The whole point I told the story was, you know 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:09.040 how we talked about intent versus impact. I said to 0:12:09.080 --> 0:12:10.880 my uncle when I found out that I found out 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:14.560 that he was upset. My cousin Kire was upset, and 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:16.720 I was just like, I don't understand why you're upset. 0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:18.960 I invite you to stuff and you don't come the 0:12:19.040 --> 0:12:21.720 minute I don't invite you. Now you're pissed off, right, 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:25.680 And my biggest thing was I didn't invite you because 0:12:25.679 --> 0:12:28.840 I hated you. I didn't invite you because I thought 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:32.080 you weren't gonna come. So my intent was not to 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:36.000 hurt your feelings. My intent was to prevent my feelings 0:12:36.000 --> 0:12:38.319 from being hurt by saying, if I invite you and 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:40.520 you don't come, I don't want to be disappointed, and 0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:43.400 oh set, I'm going to be impacted. So I tried 0:12:43.440 --> 0:12:46.200 to protect my peace right. And when I explained it 0:12:46.200 --> 0:12:47.960 to him, he said, you understood. When I explained it 0:12:47.960 --> 0:12:50.560 to my cousin, my anchiity. But then it made me 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:55.079 really think about having this conversation on the podcast, right, 0:12:55.440 --> 0:12:59.160 how do you create boundaries with family when everyone's telling 0:12:59.200 --> 0:13:01.319 you to give grace but at the same time saying 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:04.640 give you know, create boundaries. It almost seems like it's 0:13:04.800 --> 0:13:07.439 telling you the two opposite things at the same time, 0:13:07.480 --> 0:13:10.720 cause giving race means whatever happens, I how to understand 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:14.200 where you're coming from, whereas creating boundaries means what you're 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:16.800 going through is not my problem. 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:18.880 I'm stopping it here, or it's. 0:13:18.679 --> 0:13:24.400 A protecting myself mechanism from what you know, the inevitable 0:13:24.480 --> 0:13:26.840 may be. So, for example, if you do have someone 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:28.760 in your family and this is not your uncle or anyone. 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:31.920 This is specifically hypothetically speaking. If you have someone who 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:35.240 time and time again decides to disappoint you in whatever 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:37.840 facet It can be not showing up or not calling 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:41.080 or checking in whatever it may be, and then you decide, 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:42.920 you know what, I'm just not going to be the 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:45.120 one to touch base anymore or to continue to try 0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:47.560 to forge this relationship because it doesn't seem like the 0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:50.440 other party is doing. So you then are well within 0:13:50.520 --> 0:13:52.880 your right to say, you know what, just to protect myself, 0:13:52.960 --> 0:13:55.280 I'm going to create this boundary here while I can 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:57.040 still give that person grace and be like, you know, 0:13:57.080 --> 0:13:59.080 they may be going through something as well, but I 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:02.320 think we're necessary. They tend to be people naturally who 0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:04.000 want to protect ourselves. 0:14:04.280 --> 0:14:04.760 I agree. 0:14:04.880 --> 0:14:06.360 Versus the other person, I. 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:09.360 Agree, But creating a boundary for yourself without communicating it 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:11.679 to the other person is not fair. 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:14.479 Oh yeah, the communication is important. 0:14:14.080 --> 0:14:15.200 And that's where I messed up. 0:14:15.320 --> 0:14:16.880 That's why I messed up, And that's where you know 0:14:16.920 --> 0:14:18.400 I have to and I wanted to talk about this 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:22.160 publicly so that I can teach people what I learned, 0:14:22.680 --> 0:14:24.440 because to be honest, I don't feel like I was 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:25.680 wrong for not inviting them. 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:26.440 I don't. 0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:29.120 I'm like, I've been inviting you for years and everything 0:14:29.120 --> 0:14:31.360 else was more important. I'm not going to keep doing 0:14:31.400 --> 0:14:34.160 that to myself, right. But what I could have done, 0:14:34.240 --> 0:14:36.400 which after speaking to my uncle, is I could have said, 0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:38.400 you're uncle, we having something at the crib. You ain't 0:14:38.440 --> 0:14:40.920 been here, so I'm not extending the invitation because there's 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:42.480 a lot of people, and if I'm going to have 0:14:42.520 --> 0:14:44.240 a lot of people, I'm going to want to know 0:14:44.280 --> 0:14:46.320 who's going to be here. I'm afraid that if I 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:48.080 invite you, you won't come, you won't show up. But 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:50.120 then I would have held the spot. If I would 0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:52.440 have said that, it would have at least given him 0:14:52.480 --> 0:14:56.760 the opportunity to make a choice. I took his choice away. 0:14:57.280 --> 0:14:58.800 And that's when I said, you know what, I was 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:01.480 right for protect through my piece, But I was wrong 0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:05.760 for not expressing how I felt and why because now 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:08.840 I created a boundary. But I didn't give grace because 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:11.360 remember you you said we ask for grace. I asked 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:13.280 for grace all the time because I'm always traveling and 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:15.520 I can't make things, so I'm always asking for grace. 0:15:15.840 --> 0:15:17.360 When I spoke to my uncle, I was like, yo, 0:15:17.360 --> 0:15:19.080 why you haven't been here. He explained to me what 0:15:19.120 --> 0:15:21.640 he was going through, had started a new job, working 0:15:21.640 --> 0:15:23.000 on all these things. And I said, damn, I didn't 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:25.800 consider none of that. So here I am being selfish 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.680 in myself saying my uncle, my uncle didn't come to 0:15:28.720 --> 0:15:29.240 see me. 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:31.240 Me, me, me, me, my uncle here. 0:15:31.600 --> 0:15:32.360 You see what I'm saying. 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:35.680 Yeah, And then in doing that and not speaking to him, 0:15:35.720 --> 0:15:39.880 I then created a boundary for myself which out without 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:40.760 speaking to him. 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:42.080 So now I hurt him. 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:45.040 So now the way I impacted him was not how 0:15:45.080 --> 0:15:48.720 I intended, but I did, And I had to realize 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:51.560 in that moment of value, like, yeah, you had a 0:15:51.640 --> 0:15:54.040 right to be upset, but think outside of yourself for 0:15:54.040 --> 0:15:57.880 a minute. Bro, your uncle been here in your whole life. Yeah, 0:15:57.920 --> 0:16:00.200 he might have had a rough three years. That might 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:02.120 have been some other stuff going on that you don't 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:04.480 know about, and the men, and he couldn't be there 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:06.280 for you the way you wanted him to be here 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:06.600 for you. 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:09.640 De vow you cut him off or didn't include him. 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:12.440 You know what that is fucked up, And that's what 0:16:12.480 --> 0:16:14.680 made me think about, like, yo, how do we create 0:16:14.720 --> 0:16:16.840 boundaries but also give grace? 0:16:17.040 --> 0:16:19.120 Right? And so I think it just gets harder as 0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:22.000 you get older, because you started out by talking about 0:16:22.040 --> 0:16:24.840 like what your new nuclear family looks like, right, And 0:16:24.920 --> 0:16:27.840 at what point do you say, Okay, yes, I was 0:16:27.880 --> 0:16:31.760 attached to my mother and father and their siblings you know, 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:34.920 aunts and uncles and then of course cousins. But then 0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:38.120 you create your own family with someone and you have 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:41.880 your children, and then how do you continue to also 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:45.880 I guess make room for the people who you've grown 0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:49.119 up with without it getting to be something that's overwhelming 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:51.560 and you're always having to consider the feelings of all 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:53.920 of these grown ass people. You know, because I've been 0:16:53.960 --> 0:16:55.640 on the opposite side of that too, where I'm just 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:59.440 like some of the issues that my mom's generation, for example, 0:16:59.840 --> 0:17:02.920 was deal with, I'm like, that's not necessarily my cross 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:06.280 to bear, that's my problem. These issues have happened long 0:17:06.359 --> 0:17:11.520 before I even was here, But here I am trying 0:17:11.560 --> 0:17:13.960 to be the person who's bridging the gap and being 0:17:14.040 --> 0:17:17.600 the middleman and bringing everyone together when it's like sometimes 0:17:17.600 --> 0:17:19.880 people don't want to be brought together or for your 0:17:19.920 --> 0:17:23.160 own sanity. Sometimes it's easier to just leave those people 0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:25.159 out and stick with your little nuclear family. 0:17:25.359 --> 0:17:27.119 I'm glad you brought that up, because that's why I 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:31.280 wanted to have this discussion right understanding what intent is, 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:32.560 right Truba. 0:17:32.960 --> 0:17:36.000 You know, she always includes the facts and stats, absolutely facts. 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:39.000