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Speaker 1: The holidays are amongst us. You're gonna have to be

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Speaker 1: around family? Or will you have to be around fam?

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Speaker 2: Baby, I'm not waiting till the holidays to decide who

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Speaker 2: I want to be around or not, Darling. That has

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Speaker 2: started at the top of the year and it is

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Speaker 2: carrying on through the holiday season.

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Speaker 3: Dead ass.

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Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.

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Speaker 3: You may know us from posting funny videos with.

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Speaker 2: Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form

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Speaker 2: of therapy.

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Speaker 3: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

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Speaker 2: we are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: Li's most taboo topics.

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Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

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Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: We about to take off to our whole new level.

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Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 3: Story time.

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Speaker 1: So I am going to take y'all back to a

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Speaker 1: recent situation I had with my family to discuss invites.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So.

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Speaker 1: Without saying any names, because I'm not going to out

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Speaker 1: anybody in particular, I'm going to explain to you guys

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Speaker 1: what I've been going through on my family.

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Speaker 3: All Right.

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Speaker 1: When Kadeen and I moved here four years ago, this

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Speaker 1: was our second time moving out.

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Speaker 3: Of the state.

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Speaker 1: We lived in LA or well, no, we lived in

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Speaker 1: Michigan for four years when I played ball, right then

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Speaker 1: we moved back. Then we moved to LA for a

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Speaker 1: year and a half. Then we moved to Georgia. Full

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Speaker 1: transparency when we moved out of Brooklyn. Or while we

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Speaker 1: was in Brooklyn, a lot of people didn't come see us.

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Speaker 1: Fact that it didn't matter where we were, So we're

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Speaker 1: not even gonna blame it on distance. We used to

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Speaker 1: be in Brooklyn and nobody would come to that little

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Speaker 1: ragged apartment that we had, right you know what, nobody

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Speaker 1: York Avenue. You know, we was there ten years, didn't

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Speaker 1: have a lot of visits. I could probably count on

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Speaker 1: one hand how many times people came. So cut to

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Speaker 1: we Now in Georgia, we've been here for four years.

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Speaker 1: Some people come, some people don't.

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Speaker 3: I invited. One of my uncles was like one of

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Speaker 3: my favorite uncles.

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Speaker 1: I invited him a bunch of times, and during the

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Speaker 1: invite process he never had a chance to make it here.

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Speaker 1: And something's happened to your family. When you're you know,

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Speaker 1: sometimes you create distance and things happened. I thought he

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Speaker 1: was upset at me.

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Speaker 3: I thought he was.

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Speaker 1: I thought he was pissed, and for lack of a

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Speaker 1: better word, I thought he wasn't wucking with me. So

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Speaker 1: now we're having a big family gathering here at the house.

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Speaker 1: And since I had invited him for four years, when

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Speaker 1: my dad asked me, like, yo, how we're gonna invite

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Speaker 1: you know so and so I was just like, don't worry, Like,

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Speaker 1: don't bother, they're not gonna come. After not inviting them.

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Speaker 1: They became very upset that they weren't invited. So I

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Speaker 1: was kind of like, how dare you be upset after

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Speaker 1: being invited and not coming, So that now that you

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Speaker 1: are invited and you don't, Oh, you're not invited, now

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Speaker 1: you're upset, Which lead me to think about impact versus intent,

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Speaker 1: because those two are very different. But a lot of

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Speaker 1: times when you're trying to create boundaries with people, you

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Speaker 1: have to consider intent versus impact. And that's what I

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Speaker 1: want to talk about today.

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Speaker 3: Baby.

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Speaker 2: All right, well talk about it then we're gonna talk

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Speaker 2: about it.

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Speaker 1: So this song my wife came up with because when

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Speaker 1: I tell you, this is my wife's attitude. This is

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Speaker 1: literally my wife's attitude when it comes to people who

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Speaker 1: she gotta put boundaries up.

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Speaker 2: Listen, you want to start it, don't let my husband.

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Speaker 2: Don't be giving my husband grief, baby, because anybody, and

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Speaker 2: that goes for anybody, family, friends, coworkers, business folks, whoever

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Speaker 2: it is. If anybody fuck with you, I don't fuck

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Speaker 2: with them, which leads me to I don't fuck with you.

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Speaker 2: You look stupid ass, So with you period. Okay, I

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Speaker 2: don't even have to go no further with the song.

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Speaker 2: That's just what it is.

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Speaker 1: As you can tell my wife you know I'm a

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Speaker 1: buckt her feelings as a period.

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Speaker 2: You've got issues with your man and your woman. What,

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Speaker 2: But don't tell your family facts, you know what I'm saying,

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Speaker 2: because we will hold on to that moment.

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Speaker 3: That is a fact.

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Speaker 2: So for my marriage folks out there, folks in relationships,

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Speaker 2: just keep it between y'all two baby, because if you're anybody,

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Speaker 2: if you got any family like Kadeen, Baby, she's ready

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Speaker 2: to buck when people want to knock. All right, let's

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Speaker 2: go pay some bills, y'all and let me cool down,

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Speaker 2: and then we'll come back and we'll get into story

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Speaker 2: time stick around.

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Speaker 1: All right, we're back, So let me just just dive

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Speaker 1: in a little bit here, just to provide some context

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Speaker 1: when you when you have family, right, I'm learning now

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Speaker 1: as I get older that family forever evolves.

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Speaker 3: Like who is.

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Speaker 1: Important to you in the moment changes as your family grows, Right,

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Speaker 1: Because when you're part of a nuclear family, like me

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Speaker 1: being a part of my mom and my dad's nuclear family,

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Speaker 1: who they told me were important, I had to value right.

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Speaker 1: So if their brothers and sisters, their mom and dad,

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Speaker 1: their friends, but we had things like make sure you invite,

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Speaker 1: make sure you were just because they had a nuclear family,

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Speaker 1: they were putting together. Now, Kadeena and I have a

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Speaker 1: nuclear family, and we're trying to make sure that we

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Speaker 1: keep all of the people that were important to us together.

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Speaker 1: You know, when sometimes people get invited, sometimes people don't.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes life happens and you lose. You lose people, you know,

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Speaker 1: as far as seeing them consistently. When we used to

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Speaker 1: live in Brooklyn. Certain people we used to see all

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Speaker 1: the time. And I'm going to add this context because

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Speaker 1: the uncle that I ultimately didn't invite, he was an

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Speaker 1: uncle that we would run to when we had things

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Speaker 1: to do.

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Speaker 3: So for example, if Kadeena.

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Speaker 1: And I had an event or we had to go,

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Speaker 1: I could drop Jackson. At the time, we only had

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Speaker 1: one child, I could drop Jackson. Or maybe sometimes it

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Speaker 1: was Cairo too possible to them and hit him and

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Speaker 1: his wife and they would they would watch the kids

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Speaker 1: and everything would be fine. Like and because we were

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Speaker 1: so close, we were like I think it was like

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Speaker 1: nine blocks away. Like you would go down New York

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Speaker 1: Avenue three blocks and to make a left to Monroe

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Speaker 1: Street and we would be right there.

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Speaker 3: So it's super convenient.

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Speaker 1: But when you can see people like that quick, you

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Speaker 1: sometimes you know, you take for granted how important they

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Speaker 1: are until you move away and you realize, like, damn,

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Speaker 1: I don't see them as much. And in this particular story,

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of that happened. We're talking about

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Speaker 1: a family and I'm not gonna that's my uncle Kevin.

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Speaker 1: You know it's my uncle Kevin. This is this is like,

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Speaker 1: it's my my favorite uncle. This is my guy. He's

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Speaker 1: the guy that I wanted to be like. He's the

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Speaker 1: guy that taught me a lot about about women. I

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Speaker 1: used to let me borrow his car, and you know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, everybody knows what it was like with that favorite an.

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Speaker 1: That's the guy that I you know, I looked up

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Speaker 1: and I was just, man, if I can you he

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Speaker 1: liked somebody when I didn't want to talk to my

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Speaker 1: dad about things.

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Speaker 3: I spoke to him.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh, Kevin really liked me off the bat too,

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Speaker 2: which was nice. Oh yeah, he was like he was like,

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Speaker 2: you know, everybody liked me off that shout out Kevin.

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Speaker 3: He looked at you. He looked at you the first time.

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Speaker 1: It was just like, you know, he's like, yo, dude,

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Speaker 1: this is how my uncle talked me. Hey, yo, dude,

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Speaker 1: she's cute. You know what I like the most? I

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Speaker 1: was like what he was like, she's smart. He started

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Speaker 1: asking you know's gonna ask you about grides and stuff,

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Speaker 1: and they was asking you when you were having these

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Speaker 1: conversations about academia and you know, what you want to

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Speaker 1: do and stuff.

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Speaker 3: And then he was looking at me.

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Speaker 1: It was just like, y'all, I love the fact that

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Speaker 1: she think I liked that, right, she's smart.

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Speaker 3: That's my that's my uncle Kevin.

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Speaker 2: That was me thinking like one hundred and twenty five pounds.

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Speaker 1: He also told me too, he was just like you

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Speaker 1: see now because I've said this on the podcast. He

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Speaker 1: was the one, him and my pops just like you

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Speaker 1: find the slim thick joints when they're early, because once

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Speaker 1: they have kids, then they'll be the thick thick joint.

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Speaker 3: So shout out to Uncle Kevin for giving me that.

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Speaker 1: But over the past couple of years, I mean, he

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Speaker 1: has two grown kids, three grown kids, two and a half.

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Speaker 1: I like to see two and a half because one

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Speaker 1: is outside of his marriage. Before he met my aunt

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Speaker 1: Chattie him and he had my cousin Porsche, who was

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Speaker 1: like growing up, was like my best friend. So he

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Speaker 1: has three grown kids who have kids too. Porsha has

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Speaker 1: three sons, so he has grandkids. Then Cal just got

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Speaker 1: married and Ca engaged, and Ki got his own thing

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Speaker 1: going on with school and training and stuff. So I

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Speaker 1: was also under the impression that he had a lot

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Speaker 1: going on. I have a lot going on. After a

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Speaker 1: couple of years, you know, you lose touch with people.

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Speaker 1: So during the time we lost touch, I had invited

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Speaker 1: him to come down here a couple of times, and

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Speaker 1: it was a couple of times I thought he had

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Speaker 1: came to Georgia and didn't see us. And like in

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Speaker 1: any family, you have disagreements and miscommunications. Miscommunication tends to

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Speaker 1: be miscommunication. Me and my cousin Cale had some disagreements,

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Speaker 1: some miscommunications. So because those years went by and we

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Speaker 1: had these disagreements, when my unc who wasn't coming, I

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Speaker 1: just thought that he wasn't rocking with us like that.

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Speaker 1: I thought that he was just like, yo, I'm not

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Speaker 1: going down there because family got they things, you know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Me and my sister went through our

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Speaker 1: times when we weren't talking necessarily. We only talked when

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Speaker 1: we saw each other at our parents' house because we

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Speaker 1: couldn't have a conversation without, you know, being upset at

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Speaker 1: each other.

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Speaker 3: So I thought this was one of those things.

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Speaker 1: So after not coming to a couple of invites, we

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Speaker 1: were having a family thing that my dad was putting

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Speaker 1: together and he had my aunt and my uncle and

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Speaker 1: them on the list, and I said, don't bother inviting

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Speaker 1: them because they're not gonna come guys.

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Speaker 2: The family thing was supposed to be, Oh, we're gonna

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Speaker 2: have a couple of family members come to see us

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Speaker 2: and spend a weekend. I'm thinking twelve, fifteen, eighteen people,

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Speaker 2: thirty seven. Forty four was the thing.

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Speaker 3: It was forty four.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it ended up being forty four because, to your point,

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Speaker 2: the nuclear family then becomes expansive as people gets older.

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Speaker 2: There was forty four people here, absolutely, forty four people

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Speaker 2: here because for example, your aunt has two daughters who

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Speaker 2: now have two boyfriend right and such and such now

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Speaker 2: has a fiance, and then all these people expanding more

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Speaker 2: and more, right, and then you add our family that

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Speaker 2: it was about fifty of us in here.

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Speaker 1: You're right because when my dad first showed me the list,

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Speaker 1: he didn't have the list of the significant.

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Speaker 2: Other significant others.

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Speaker 1: I didn't even think about that exactly. So we asked forty,

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Speaker 1: well over forty people here. My dad was just like, YO,

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Speaker 1: what am I I was like, YO, like they're not

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Speaker 1: gonna come.

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Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying? Was I in my feelings?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it was in my feelings, And I was like, Yo,

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Speaker 1: don't don't invite them, Like they're not gonna come. I've

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Speaker 1: invited them so many times they don't care.

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Speaker 2: And there's the question of sorry, before you continue. How

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Speaker 2: many times do you invite somebody before they just you

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Speaker 2: just stop inviting them, right, you know, because the same

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Speaker 2: could be said for us. You know, not to deter

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Speaker 2: from the story real quick, but the same can be

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Speaker 2: said for us. We sometimes get invited things, often from

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Speaker 2: a lot of people, and it's just like, damn, with scheduling,

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Speaker 2: with kids, with life and work, with tours, with filming,

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Speaker 2: it's like, damn, I can't come. So there is a

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Speaker 2: couple of people who come to mind who invited me

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Speaker 2: to thinks a couple of times, and I've been like, Damn,

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Speaker 2: I can't make it, Damn, I can't make it. So

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Speaker 2: do I then get into my feelings because I may

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Speaker 2: not be invited to the next event that I might

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Speaker 2: be available to make it to. At what point do

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Speaker 2: you stop inviting people?

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Speaker 1: That's a good question and we should do a podcast

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Speaker 1: about that because I learned a lot during this situation

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Speaker 1: about always inviting people, especially if those if there are

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Speaker 1: people who've always been there for you, just because their

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Speaker 1: life gets busy over the last couple of years and

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Speaker 1: they can't come don't mean that you stop inviting them,

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Speaker 1: you know, like we can't.

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Speaker 3: And I'm glad you brought that up because I learned

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Speaker 3: in this.

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Speaker 1: Moment you can't put a whole forty year relationship into three.

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Speaker 2: Years, meaning the three years of contemp.

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Speaker 1: I've been on this earth for forty years and my

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Speaker 1: uncle Kevin has been in my quarter for forty years.

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Speaker 1: For the past three years, we haven't been on the

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Speaker 1: same page. You know what I'm saying. I refuse to

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Speaker 1: encompass everything that we've been through in forty years and

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Speaker 1: just say, well, these three last three years, you've been

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Speaker 1: like this, So I'm not fucking with you, right. You

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying based off of a disagreement, And

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Speaker 1: I learned learned that through this, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: The whole point I told the story was, you know

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Speaker 1: how we talked about intent versus impact. I said to

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Speaker 1: my uncle when I found out that I found out

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Speaker 1: that he was upset. My cousin Kire was upset, and

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Speaker 1: I was just like, I don't understand why you're upset.

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Speaker 1: I invite you to stuff and you don't come the

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Speaker 1: minute I don't invite you. Now you're pissed off, right,

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Speaker 1: And my biggest thing was I didn't invite you because

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Speaker 1: I hated you. I didn't invite you because I thought

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Speaker 1: you weren't gonna come. So my intent was not to

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Speaker 1: hurt your feelings. My intent was to prevent my feelings

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Speaker 1: from being hurt by saying, if I invite you and

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Speaker 1: you don't come, I don't want to be disappointed, and

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Speaker 1: oh set, I'm going to be impacted. So I tried

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Speaker 1: to protect my peace right. And when I explained it

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Speaker 1: to him, he said, you understood. When I explained it

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Speaker 1: to my cousin, my anchiity. But then it made me

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Speaker 1: really think about having this conversation on the podcast, right,

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Speaker 1: how do you create boundaries with family when everyone's telling

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Speaker 1: you to give grace but at the same time saying

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Speaker 1: give you know, create boundaries. It almost seems like it's

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Speaker 1: telling you the two opposite things at the same time,

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Speaker 1: cause giving race means whatever happens, I how to understand

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Speaker 1: where you're coming from, whereas creating boundaries means what you're

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Speaker 1: going through is not my problem.

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Speaker 3: I'm stopping it here, or it's.

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Speaker 2: A protecting myself mechanism from what you know, the inevitable

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Speaker 2: may be. So, for example, if you do have someone

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Speaker 2: in your family and this is not your uncle or anyone.

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Speaker 2: This is specifically hypothetically speaking. If you have someone who

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Speaker 2: time and time again decides to disappoint you in whatever

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Speaker 2: facet It can be not showing up or not calling

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Speaker 2: or checking in whatever it may be, and then you decide,

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Speaker 2: you know what, I'm just not going to be the

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Speaker 2: one to touch base anymore or to continue to try

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Speaker 2: to forge this relationship because it doesn't seem like the

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Speaker 2: other party is doing. So you then are well within

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Speaker 2: your right to say, you know what, just to protect myself,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to create this boundary here while I can

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Speaker 2: still give that person grace and be like, you know,

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Speaker 2: they may be going through something as well, but I

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Speaker 2: think we're necessary. They tend to be people naturally who

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Speaker 2: want to protect ourselves.

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Speaker 3: I agree.

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Speaker 2: Versus the other person, I.

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Speaker 1: Agree, But creating a boundary for yourself without communicating it

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Speaker 1: to the other person is not fair.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, the communication is important.

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Speaker 3: And that's where I messed up.

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Speaker 1: That's why I messed up, And that's where you know

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Speaker 1: I have to and I wanted to talk about this

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Speaker 1: publicly so that I can teach people what I learned,

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Speaker 1: because to be honest, I don't feel like I was

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Speaker 1: wrong for not inviting them.

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Speaker 3: I don't.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I've been inviting you for years and everything

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Speaker 1: else was more important. I'm not going to keep doing

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Speaker 1: that to myself, right. But what I could have done,

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Speaker 1: which after speaking to my uncle, is I could have said,

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Speaker 1: you're uncle, we having something at the crib. You ain't

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Speaker 1: been here, so I'm not extending the invitation because there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of people, and if I'm going to have

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Speaker 1: a lot of people, I'm going to want to know

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Speaker 1: who's going to be here. I'm afraid that if I

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Speaker 1: invite you, you won't come, you won't show up. But

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Speaker 1: then I would have held the spot. If I would

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Speaker 1: have said that, it would have at least given him

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Speaker 1: the opportunity to make a choice. I took his choice away.

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Speaker 1: And that's when I said, you know what, I was

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Speaker 1: right for protect through my piece, But I was wrong

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Speaker 1: for not expressing how I felt and why because now

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Speaker 1: I created a boundary. But I didn't give grace because

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Speaker 1: remember you you said we ask for grace. I asked

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Speaker 1: for grace all the time because I'm always traveling and

347
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Speaker 1: I can't make things, so I'm always asking for grace.

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Speaker 1: When I spoke to my uncle, I was like, yo,

349
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Speaker 1: why you haven't been here. He explained to me what

350
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Speaker 1: he was going through, had started a new job, working

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Speaker 1: on all these things. And I said, damn, I didn't

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Speaker 1: consider none of that. So here I am being selfish

353
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Speaker 1: in myself saying my uncle, my uncle didn't come to

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Speaker 1: see me.

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Speaker 3: Me, me, me, me, my uncle here.

356
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Speaker 2: You see what I'm saying.

357
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Speaker 1: Yeah, And then in doing that and not speaking to him,

358
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Speaker 1: I then created a boundary for myself which out without

359
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Speaker 1: speaking to him.

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Speaker 3: So now I hurt him.

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Speaker 1: So now the way I impacted him was not how

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Speaker 1: I intended, but I did, And I had to realize

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Speaker 1: in that moment of value, like, yeah, you had a

364
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Speaker 1: right to be upset, but think outside of yourself for

365
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Speaker 1: a minute. Bro, your uncle been here in your whole life. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: he might have had a rough three years. That might

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Speaker 1: have been some other stuff going on that you don't

368
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Speaker 1: know about, and the men, and he couldn't be there

369
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Speaker 1: for you the way you wanted him to be here

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Speaker 1: for you.

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Speaker 3: De vow you cut him off or didn't include him.

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Speaker 1: You know what that is fucked up, And that's what

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Speaker 1: made me think about, like, yo, how do we create

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Speaker 1: boundaries but also give grace?

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Speaker 2: Right? And so I think it just gets harder as

376
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Speaker 2: you get older, because you started out by talking about

377
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,840
Speaker 2: like what your new nuclear family looks like, right, And

378
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Speaker 2: at what point do you say, Okay, yes, I was

379
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Speaker 2: attached to my mother and father and their siblings you know,

380
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,920
Speaker 2: aunts and uncles and then of course cousins. But then

381
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,120
Speaker 2: you create your own family with someone and you have

382
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Speaker 2: your children, and then how do you continue to also

383
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Speaker 2: I guess make room for the people who you've grown

384
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Speaker 2: up with without it getting to be something that's overwhelming

385
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Speaker 2: and you're always having to consider the feelings of all

386
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Speaker 2: of these grown ass people. You know, because I've been

387
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Speaker 2: on the opposite side of that too, where I'm just

388
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Speaker 2: like some of the issues that my mom's generation, for example,

389
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,920
Speaker 2: was deal with, I'm like, that's not necessarily my cross

390
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:06,280
Speaker 2: to bear, that's my problem. These issues have happened long

391
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:11,520
Speaker 2: before I even was here, But here I am trying

392
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Speaker 2: to be the person who's bridging the gap and being

393
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Speaker 2: the middleman and bringing everyone together when it's like sometimes

394
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,880
Speaker 2: people don't want to be brought together or for your

395
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Speaker 2: own sanity. Sometimes it's easier to just leave those people

396
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,159
Speaker 2: out and stick with your little nuclear family.

397
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Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up, because that's why I

398
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Speaker 1: wanted to have this discussion right understanding what intent is,

399
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,560
Speaker 1: right Truba.

400
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,000
Speaker 3: You know, she always includes the facts and stats, absolutely facts.

401
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,000
Speaker 1: Intent is the intention or purpose behind in action, while

402
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,200
Speaker 1: impact is the results of that action and how it's perceived.

403
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,359
Speaker 1: Intent is personal, while impact may be based on a

404
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,840
Speaker 1: person's background, personal experiences, and trauma.

405
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:49,280
Speaker 2: Way more loaded.

406
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:50,640
Speaker 3: The reason why that.

407
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,960
Speaker 1: Is important is because we as people right have to

408
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,679
Speaker 1: stop looking at our intent right and then giving ourselves

409
00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:03,080
Speaker 1: a justified past because our intent was genuine, that does

410
00:18:03,119 --> 00:18:05,479
Speaker 1: not mean that it didn't impact the person that you

411
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,200
Speaker 1: did it to in a negative a negative way.

412
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,720
Speaker 2: And do we then judge the person for the way

413
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,880
Speaker 2: they feel after they've been impacted because you're saying, but

414
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,399
Speaker 2: that's not how I meant it. Yeah, that's what was

415
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,240
Speaker 2: supposed to be. It's not even like that though. Yeah,

416
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,280
Speaker 2: that's lots of consider It really is lots of consider

417
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,000
Speaker 2: within relationship.

418
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,760
Speaker 1: When your intent does not match the impact it made

419
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,199
Speaker 1: on someone, it's important to listen to understand how to

420
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,520
Speaker 1: communicate with that person better. Although you may not have

421
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,399
Speaker 1: intended to cause harm, understanding how your actions have impacted

422
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:35,680
Speaker 1: someone can help you.

423
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,880
Speaker 3: Create a stronger connection.

424
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Speaker 1: The reason why I think this is important, especially around

425
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,360
Speaker 1: the holiday seasons, is because this time of the year,

426
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:45,320
Speaker 1: people like Thanksgiving, how to go to this person house?

427
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,440
Speaker 1: I really don't.

428
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:49,119
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.

429
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,840
Speaker 1: And then we don't even ask ourselves why we feel

430
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,119
Speaker 1: that way. We just say we feel that way, and

431
00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,920
Speaker 1: then we find ways to avoid that person, which creates

432
00:18:58,320 --> 00:18:58,959
Speaker 1: more issues.

433
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,560
Speaker 2: Some people know exactly why they don't fuck with somebody

434
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,560
Speaker 2: and still feel like, you know what, Damn, I'm gonna

435
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,120
Speaker 2: have to sit through this. Or I feel like our

436
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,679
Speaker 2: generation now is more so the generation to say, you

437
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,199
Speaker 2: know what, I'm just not doing that.

438
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:14,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, but but our generation still isn't having conversations. Our

439
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,000
Speaker 1: generation I call them the cut off generation.

440
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:16,400
Speaker 3: Right.

441
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:20,439
Speaker 1: The generation before us was the avoid it, put it

442
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:24,160
Speaker 1: under the rugs, let's ignore it. That's this generation is. Yeah,

443
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,359
Speaker 1: we're gonna point it out. We're gonna shame the people

444
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,760
Speaker 1: who don't like We're gonna we're going to just ignore

445
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,720
Speaker 1: them because I'm creating boundaries as I'm stronger, which isn't

446
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:32,639
Speaker 1: the right way either.

447
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:38,600
Speaker 2: The communication component is what's missing between the prior generation

448
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,200
Speaker 2: and our generation. Yes, it's the community communication.

449
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,600
Speaker 1: Because creating boundaries for yourself, while intended to be good

450
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,040
Speaker 1: for you, can also impact the person you created the

451
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,680
Speaker 1: boundary from in a negative way if you don't explain

452
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,960
Speaker 1: why you created that boundary, and that boundary can also

453
00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:58,119
Speaker 1: create more trauma that can now.

454
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,359
Speaker 3: Lead to issues that your kids gotta did with.

455
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,040
Speaker 1: For example, we all know that those aunts and uncles

456
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,160
Speaker 1: who don't talk to each other.

457
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:06,840
Speaker 3: Right, and we don't even know why they don't talk

458
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:07,320
Speaker 3: to each other.

459
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,359
Speaker 1: But you know what happens now that aren't or uncle

460
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,640
Speaker 1: don't talk to the other aunt or uncle's kids.

461
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,000
Speaker 3: Right, Those kids don't know why.

462
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:15,760
Speaker 4: I have no idea, So you know what happens to

463
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,959
Speaker 4: those kids? They grow up saying fuck that uncle and

464
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,880
Speaker 4: that uncle and aunt has kids too. And I was like, wait,

465
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,240
Speaker 4: fuck my father or dad or mom fuck you. And

466
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,440
Speaker 4: now you got cousins beefit and we don't we don't

467
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:28,240
Speaker 4: know why.

468
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:33,520
Speaker 2: It just makes for really uncomfortable situations year after year.

469
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,919
Speaker 1: So this is what I want to do with this episode, right,

470
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:41,920
Speaker 1: I want to implore people to find out about your

471
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,800
Speaker 1: family history. You know how I was able to get

472
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,520
Speaker 1: through what I was going through with my uncle because

473
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,160
Speaker 1: it was a lot, It was heavy. We were upset

474
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,840
Speaker 1: each other for a minute, started to think back about

475
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:58,000
Speaker 1: my uncle's past. Then my aunt's passed her upbringing his upbringing.

476
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,400
Speaker 1: Then I had to think about his kids. Don't think

477
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,040
Speaker 1: about myself because the first thing we do is do.

478
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,200
Speaker 3: You know everything I've been through it hurt me? Because

479
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:05,560
Speaker 3: it is.

480
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,840
Speaker 1: It hurt my feelings, and it the whole time you're

481
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:11,560
Speaker 1: not thinking, well, what about the other person? So when

482
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,679
Speaker 1: I sat down and I started to actually think about

483
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,359
Speaker 1: the other members of my family, I could honestly say,

484
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:23,520
Speaker 1: no one woke up intending to hurt my feelings. So

485
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,760
Speaker 1: if they didn't intend to hurt my feelings, do I

486
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:30,840
Speaker 1: necessarily have to create a boundary that's a hard stop

487
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:32,480
Speaker 1: for that family member.

488
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:33,640
Speaker 3: And to me, the answer is.

489
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,399
Speaker 1: No, because as long as I know that your intent

490
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,639
Speaker 1: wasn't malicious, I can still extend grace.

491
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:44,320
Speaker 2: But that only came through communicating and researching because you

492
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,280
Speaker 2: were on the border, yes, were about to be like

493
00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 2: it was border that Like I'm done, and that's just

494
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:55,080
Speaker 2: what it is. But you then being you know, pretty mature,

495
00:21:55,119 --> 00:21:59,639
Speaker 2: and I'm working to situations where I was just like,

496
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,439
Speaker 2: I'm not doing that, and he's just liked, I think

497
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,960
Speaker 2: you should, and I'm like, I'm not doing that, and

498
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,080
Speaker 2: he's like, I think you need to have that conversation.

499
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,240
Speaker 2: And after having conversations on my end with family members

500
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,680
Speaker 2: who I've had either disagreements with or didn't see eye

501
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,359
Speaker 2: to eye, it really is super eye opening when you

502
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,840
Speaker 2: get somebody else's perspective. And then you go from this

503
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,879
Speaker 2: weird place of being pissed off and annoyed at this

504
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:25,479
Speaker 2: person and being like ugh, to really having empathy and

505
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:29,479
Speaker 2: being like damn, no for real, being like, damn, I

506
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,600
Speaker 2: didn't realize that. A, that's what you were going through.

507
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,119
Speaker 2: That's you know, how you were raised. These are the

508
00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:38,760
Speaker 2: things that you're contending with with your spouse or you know,

509
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:42,520
Speaker 2: whatever other relationships that are impacting you know, whatever decisions

510
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,440
Speaker 2: you've been making lately. And then it kind of makes

511
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,480
Speaker 2: you feel dumb, dumb, yeah, and it makes you feel

512
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,680
Speaker 2: like damn, like I was here harping on this one

513
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:51,960
Speaker 2: particular thing that made me feel some kind of way,

514
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,200
Speaker 2: and I didn't even realize that you had this plethora

515
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:58,680
Speaker 2: of other things where you were literally in survival mode.

516
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,560
Speaker 2: And see here I am judging you for that.

517
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:02,560
Speaker 3: That goes back to something else.

518
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,960
Speaker 1: I always say, right, as important as you think you are,

519
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 1: you have to realize that you're not. Because here I

520
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,640
Speaker 1: was thinking that, damn, my uncle wasn't coming to see

521
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,440
Speaker 1: me because he's mad about this. He must be pissed

522
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,239
Speaker 1: about it. I created a whole narrative about why he

523
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,199
Speaker 1: was mad. Then I speak to him. This is another thing.

524
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,119
Speaker 1: Shout out to my uncle Harold, uncle Kevin's best friend.

525
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,800
Speaker 1: They grew up together, they were cops together. My uncle

526
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,880
Speaker 1: Kevin came to Georgia. Harold picked him up, didn't tell

527
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,399
Speaker 1: him he was coming to meet me, didn't tell me

528
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,160
Speaker 1: I was gonna meet him because me and my uncle

529
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,760
Speaker 1: at that time wasn't talking. We had got into a screaming,

530
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,960
Speaker 1: shouting match, you know, hung up the phone on each other,

531
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,360
Speaker 1: and we wasn't talking. And then we see each other.

532
00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:39,639
Speaker 1: The minute we see each other, what happen? Like you

533
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,800
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I give him a big hug.

534
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,560
Speaker 1: I'm bigger than him now, Like you know, when it's

535
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,520
Speaker 1: your uncle, you donally run up and jumping your uncle,

536
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,040
Speaker 1: but I'm big at him now. He gave me a

537
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,160
Speaker 1: big hug. I gave him a big hug, and we

538
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,560
Speaker 1: sat down. And when he's older than I am, my

539
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 1: uncle's sixty something, so I know that generation very well,

540
00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:57,240
Speaker 1: dealing with my parents and your parents. So when he

541
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,679
Speaker 1: sat down, it wasn't important to me in that moment

542
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,919
Speaker 1: to tell him everything I was going through. I said, please,

543
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,840
Speaker 1: please take the time and just tell me what's going on.

544
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:09,560
Speaker 2: But you also were seeking understanding because he knew it

545
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:13,600
Speaker 2: was so out of character for him, especially knowing him

546
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,399
Speaker 2: for so many years and the relationship you've had, so

547
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:16,920
Speaker 2: I think he really just wanted to.

548
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,520
Speaker 1: Utimately, I was concerned one about my uncle my uncle's

549
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:24,720
Speaker 1: mental space, because I know, especially for that generation in particular,

550
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,919
Speaker 1: there haven't been a lot of spaces for men to

551
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,520
Speaker 1: be vulnerable and speak about what they go through.

552
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,399
Speaker 3: So I had to sit back and say, dang, my

553
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:32,680
Speaker 3: uncle could be going through something.

554
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:35,760
Speaker 1: If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to anybody, it can

555
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,400
Speaker 1: spiral out of control. And I never want to see

556
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,399
Speaker 1: my uncle go through what I watched other men in

557
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:44,200
Speaker 1: my family go through dealing with dementia or stress, alcoholism,

558
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 1: getting up and leaving like I was like, I always

559
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,240
Speaker 1: was concerned about how he was doing. So when we met,

560
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,080
Speaker 1: you know, and he was, I was just like, yo,

561
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 1: just tell me. And for forty minutes he let me

562
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,159
Speaker 1: know everything he was going through. And the more he

563
00:24:58,280 --> 00:24:59,760
Speaker 1: was letting me know what he was going through, I

564
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 1: felt small because I say, here, I am thinking in

565
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,640
Speaker 1: my mind that you were upset about me, that.

566
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,159
Speaker 3: You weren't even He was like, yod, I wasn't even upset.

567
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,560
Speaker 1: I had a lot going on in my house and

568
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,439
Speaker 1: at work, and I was like, I'll get back to him.

569
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,120
Speaker 1: Now here's another thing. When you don't talk a lot,

570
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:20,199
Speaker 1: family talks. So Uncle Kevin saying I'll get back to you.

571
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:21,679
Speaker 1: He didn't even get a chance to get back to

572
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,879
Speaker 1: me because it had got back to someone else that

573
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 1: he was upset at me. And by the time it

574
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,760
Speaker 1: got to me from a third party, everything that I

575
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,879
Speaker 1: thought he was upset about wasn't even what he was

576
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,040
Speaker 1: upset about, which taught me the importance of not always

577
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,560
Speaker 1: creating boundaries, but giving grace so that you can sit

578
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:40,040
Speaker 1: down and have conversations. Because if I would have just

579
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,600
Speaker 1: spent here like you know what, remember you said, I agreed.

580
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:46,080
Speaker 1: I was on that brink, like, yo, if he don't

581
00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:48,879
Speaker 1: text me back today because I sent him a text,

582
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:50,760
Speaker 1: I'm good because I've.

583
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:51,800
Speaker 3: Done everything in my power.

584
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:54,160
Speaker 1: I was the more mature one, and if he don't

585
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:55,840
Speaker 1: get back to me, I'm not talking to him.

586
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 3: And three days went by and I was like I'm good, Like, hey,

587
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 3: I did my part. And imagine if.

588
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,760
Speaker 1: Harold didn't bring my uncle and we don't speak for

589
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,480
Speaker 1: months and then it becomes years, and then it's like

590
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 1: I don't fuck with my uncle and he don't fuck

591
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:09,160
Speaker 1: with me. When time happens, now everyone has more time

592
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,400
Speaker 1: to create a narrative about what they think happens.

593
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,600
Speaker 2: Man. And when you say everyone, it's not even just

594
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,520
Speaker 2: you and him, because said of the conversation then expands

595
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,680
Speaker 2: to extended family and surrounding family, where it's like you're

596
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,720
Speaker 2: having conversations with everyone and they're given their perspective, which

597
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:26,040
Speaker 2: is then potentially adding to a narrative that wasn't even

598
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:30,520
Speaker 2: the narrative exactly. So that sometimes does more harm than good.

599
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,160
Speaker 2: And for you, it was a moment too. I think

600
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:36,040
Speaker 2: in those moments then about how you were feeling to

601
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,520
Speaker 2: give your side of the story, because I also feel

602
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,800
Speaker 2: like within families there's also this your side versus my

603
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,800
Speaker 2: side versus what we actually went down, and we get

604
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 2: caught in the crossfire. A lot of times when we're

605
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,320
Speaker 2: having those family discussions with the family surrounding, it's about

606
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:54,280
Speaker 2: who said what, when, and how that impacted you, what

607
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:56,359
Speaker 2: I and the intent around them telling you what they

608
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:56,800
Speaker 2: told you.

609
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,479
Speaker 1: What I noticed about a lot of this from all sides,

610
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,159
Speaker 1: not just from my side, is that a lot of

611
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 1: times in families, people are concerned about looking wrong to

612
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,320
Speaker 1: other people. So even when they tell stories or tell,

613
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,040
Speaker 1: you know, their idea of what happens, they always tell

614
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,399
Speaker 1: it in the light where they were the victim and

615
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,120
Speaker 1: the other person was this demon person. I was doing

616
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,800
Speaker 1: something bad, and I realized, boy, before that this in

617
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:21,640
Speaker 1: that way, before.

618
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,680
Speaker 3: This instant, that that's not the truth. Right.

619
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 1: If I'm gonna tell a story to somebody, if I

620
00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:31,760
Speaker 1: really want to seek understanding from a third party, I

621
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:35,040
Speaker 1: gotta tell the whole story, even the ones that may

622
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,560
Speaker 1: make me look a little bad, because.

623
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,240
Speaker 3: I have to be honest.

624
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:41,240
Speaker 1: The accountability, you gotta be accountable like and that's the

625
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,040
Speaker 1: first thing I did. When I spoke to Uncle Harold,

626
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,639
Speaker 1: I was like, yo, he was like, what's going on

627
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:48,320
Speaker 1: with you and your uncle? I didn't start by saying

628
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,159
Speaker 1: he did he did? No, I said, okay, let me

629
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,480
Speaker 1: be honest. There were some things that I did first

630
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,879
Speaker 1: that I feel like would have if I would have

631
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 1: changed my mentality or my thought process, we wouldn't have.

632
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,920
Speaker 1: And it's bad, but this is what happened, and that

633
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,560
Speaker 1: he was listening. And one thing about Uncle Harro he's

634
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:09,720
Speaker 1: a former detective. He wasn't there what happened first. Whoever happens,

635
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,960
Speaker 1: whoever did this first, is the one who's guilty. No,

636
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,119
Speaker 1: he didn't do that. The minute I finished talking, he said,

637
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:21,439
Speaker 1: it's some bullshit. Y'all acting like some bitches. And he

638
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,959
Speaker 1: was just like, y'all need to grow up. This is

639
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 1: not Yes, he was like, this is not important enough

640
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,280
Speaker 1: for y'all not to be talking right, And he was

641
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:30,320
Speaker 1: listening to me.

642
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,600
Speaker 3: But the thing is, he didn't even have to validate

643
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 3: what I was saying.

644
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:37,159
Speaker 1: The fact that he just listened and let me speak

645
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:41,280
Speaker 1: without interrupting me made me hear myself. And then while

646
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 1: I was talking to him, I was like, dang, this

647
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:46,120
Speaker 1: sounds so fucking stupid, Like, why am I arguing with

648
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:51,400
Speaker 1: someone who I admired so much for forty years? About

649
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,960
Speaker 1: three years, you know, And that's less than ten percent

650
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,800
Speaker 1: of the time that we've spent together. And in those

651
00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:00,720
Speaker 1: three years, we've probably spent three days together, whereas for

652
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:01,920
Speaker 1: the other thirty.

653
00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:03,960
Speaker 3: Seven we were around each other week after week.

654
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,120
Speaker 1: And that's why I really wanted to talk to everybody

655
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:07,880
Speaker 1: in the podcast and be like, Yo, the holidays is

656
00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 1: coming up. There's gonna be that cousin, that nephew, that sister,

657
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,640
Speaker 1: that brother, that mother that you're gonna be like, I

658
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:15,400
Speaker 1: don't want to talk to this motherfucker. I'm asked, I'm

659
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,400
Speaker 1: begging you take the time to sit down and ask

660
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:21,800
Speaker 1: that person what they've been going through and what's going on,

661
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:25,080
Speaker 1: and just listen, just listen. You may find it in

662
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:26,719
Speaker 1: your heart to extend some grace.

663
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 2: You may because you may further that boundary or you

664
00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 2: know what're like, this is exactly why I wasn't fucking

665
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:35,120
Speaker 2: with you at this time.

666
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 3: Anyway.

667
00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:40,200
Speaker 1: Absolutely, that's the most fairest thing ever. As my son,

668
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:42,960
Speaker 1: who has no boundaries, what's the upcoder, just walk right

669
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:45,960
Speaker 1: in here with his Apple slices. Now you talking about

670
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:47,920
Speaker 1: somebody not having boundaries, it's d Koda and.

671
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:49,960
Speaker 2: We're gonna give him grace because he has something feeling

672
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,760
Speaker 2: well today, because your mommy's always gonna give grace. I

673
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,720
Speaker 2: love that, but no, you're absolutely right about that. I

674
00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:59,000
Speaker 2: think the conversation component between it's like that bridge between

675
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 2: grace and boundary, you know what I mean, it's having

676
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:04,160
Speaker 2: the conversation. I had a similar situation with family member

677
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:07,600
Speaker 2: as well that for years I was just so upset,

678
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:10,959
Speaker 2: so upset about the way she was existing and the

679
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 2: things that she was doing. And you also realize too

680
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:17,680
Speaker 2: after a while that sometimes within family they're being enabled

681
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,760
Speaker 2: by other family members at the same time. So it's

682
00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,720
Speaker 2: like you can't even get mad at one family member

683
00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:25,360
Speaker 2: for their actions because somebody else is allowing it to happen.

684
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:26,880
Speaker 2: So you realize, you know what, that's not even my

685
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,720
Speaker 2: battle to fight, Like, why am I over here upset?

686
00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:33,880
Speaker 2: Why am I over here, you know, distancing myself when

687
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,160
Speaker 2: everybody else seems to be okay with it. So if

688
00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:38,680
Speaker 2: everybody else is okay with it, all I know at

689
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 2: that point is that I can step away the boundary

690
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 2: that I create is to know, yes, I understand what's happening.

691
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,800
Speaker 2: Everybody's entitled to feel their way they feel, but I'm

692
00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 2: also entitled to say, you know what I said my piece,

693
00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:53,760
Speaker 2: and I can walk away and I can still exist

694
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 2: and coexist in spaces with them where we're still family.

695
00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:00,600
Speaker 1: Thanks, And that's that's ultimately, Like, what I've come to

696
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:06,280
Speaker 1: terms with is that extending grace doesn't also mean that

697
00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:08,720
Speaker 1: you have to cross your own boundaries. You just have

698
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,040
Speaker 1: to figure out where that line is. And I have

699
00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:12,760
Speaker 1: my moment of truth. That's what I was writing down.

700
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,560
Speaker 1: I have a moment of truth that I feel really

701
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:18,720
Speaker 1: strongly about. So after we take this break and we

702
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 1: get to these listener letters, we can come back.

703
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 2: But before we go to the listener letters, you got

704
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,040
Speaker 2: to like round out the story. So Vin came back.

705
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 2: Know what happened here? You know I'm saying, because this

706
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,720
Speaker 2: is a devout story. Time is an extended, extended clip

707
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 2: today episode of Time.

708
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,640
Speaker 1: And I'm excited to talk about this because we always

709
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:41,280
Speaker 1: talk about how dead Ass podcast is therapy for us.

710
00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:45,520
Speaker 1: My family was going through it. You know, my mom

711
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:49,320
Speaker 1: was upset, my grandmother was upset. You know, my uncle Kevin,

712
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:51,880
Speaker 1: was upset. His family was upset. My I was upset.

713
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:52,520
Speaker 1: You were upset.

714
00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:52,880
Speaker 3: You know.

715
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:57,600
Speaker 1: So this is real things. But the resolution of it

716
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,080
Speaker 1: is really what I'm proud of. Because my uncle I

717
00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:02,040
Speaker 1: brought Uncle Kevin here, we saw each other.

718
00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 3: That was a surprise. He didn't tell Uncle Kevin.

719
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:07,480
Speaker 2: I wish I said it before you left the house.

720
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:09,560
Speaker 2: So Uncle Harold called a vout and was like, Hey,

721
00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:11,400
Speaker 2: I need you to meet up with me real quick,

722
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:12,720
Speaker 2: just some stuff. I want to talk to you over

723
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:15,959
Speaker 2: the phone. And I literally was like, I wondered if

724
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:17,720
Speaker 2: Kevin's and I should have said it to you, because

725
00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:19,320
Speaker 2: that's the first thing that crossed my mind, and I

726
00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:21,440
Speaker 2: was like, Nah, he wouldn't have came down like this

727
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:22,960
Speaker 2: quick to have this conversation.

728
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:25,080
Speaker 1: I'm glad that you didn't, because if you would have

729
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:26,760
Speaker 1: said that to me, I would have asked you, Harold,

730
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:28,640
Speaker 1: you got Kevin with you because if he's not, I

731
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:30,560
Speaker 1: need to be prepped because I don't know how I'm

732
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,280
Speaker 1: going to respond or how he's going to respond. Because

733
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:34,720
Speaker 1: I definitely would have been like, yo, don't do that

734
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:37,280
Speaker 1: to him neither, because he was the one that was

735
00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:39,960
Speaker 1: really really upset. And one thing I've learned to about boundaries.

736
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,680
Speaker 1: When someone says they're upset and they want to talk

737
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:44,560
Speaker 1: about it, when they can get their emotions together, surprising

738
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:46,720
Speaker 1: them or popping up with an intervention, you.

739
00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:48,280
Speaker 3: Got to respect that. That's not cool.

740
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,840
Speaker 1: But the fact that Uncle Harold did that, it shows

741
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:51,760
Speaker 1: that he knows his friend.

742
00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:52,760
Speaker 2: True.

743
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:54,800
Speaker 1: The fact that my uncle was willing to sit down

744
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:56,880
Speaker 1: and have a conversation with me shows the love that

745
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 1: my uncle has for me. But also I love him too,

746
00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:02,160
Speaker 1: like he got a chance to realize, like damn, my nephew.

747
00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 1: Because all Harold had to do was tell me one

748
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:05,560
Speaker 1: time I got to talk to you about some stuff

749
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:06,120
Speaker 1: or meet me here.

750
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:07,960
Speaker 3: And I was like, all I bet you know.

751
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:09,760
Speaker 1: Like I didn't ask a bunch of questions. I was like,

752
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,320
Speaker 1: all right, I'm here, like where you at. So it

753
00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:14,160
Speaker 1: was a good feeling to see my uncle pop up

754
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,080
Speaker 1: the minute I saw him, and he smiled.

755
00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:17,240
Speaker 3: I smile because.

756
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:20,080
Speaker 2: Y'all really knew y'all was being bitches, didn't you.

757
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:22,560
Speaker 1: No, No, he said to Harold. He said to Harrold

758
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,320
Speaker 1: on the phone, he was like, your Harold. Harold relaxed,

759
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:26,800
Speaker 1: like this ain't gonna last too long, and Harold was like, well.

760
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 3: He touched you.

761
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,800
Speaker 1: You should have responded back, like my uncle Harold, don't

762
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,560
Speaker 1: hold no punches. He's like you like yo, Like you

763
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,080
Speaker 1: like that deserves a response? keV Like You're not supposed to.

764
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:35,440
Speaker 3: Do that, right.

765
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:37,720
Speaker 2: I harrow twoice in my life, and both times I

766
00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 2: was like, I absolutely love this man. I don't know

767
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:41,280
Speaker 2: what it is about him, but I love his spirit.

768
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:42,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's well.

769
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:44,000
Speaker 1: What you do love about him too, is that he

770
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:47,400
Speaker 1: had a near death experience and watched his family be

771
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:49,560
Speaker 1: there for him, you know, throughing.

772
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:50,560
Speaker 3: All of through all of that.

773
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,120
Speaker 1: So his perspective on life is nothing is more important

774
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,160
Speaker 1: than the people who are willing to be there for you.

775
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,000
Speaker 1: When you think this is your last breath, and when

776
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,160
Speaker 1: you take what you think is your last breath, you

777
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 1: gotta think about it.

778
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:03,040
Speaker 3: The house, the.

779
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,800
Speaker 1: Cars, this to that, the money, all that stuff don't matter.

780
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:09,120
Speaker 1: You're thinking I'm never going to see these people again.

781
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:10,600
Speaker 3: And when that.

782
00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:12,759
Speaker 1: Becomes your reality, you start to look at some of

783
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,160
Speaker 1: your actions as a person and.

784
00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:15,200
Speaker 3: You think this is stupid.

785
00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:17,640
Speaker 1: I'm acting like a bitch, Like you know what I'm saying, Like,

786
00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:20,000
Speaker 1: why am I letting this even bother me? That much.

787
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:22,399
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna let it get creeping my brain. Yeah,

788
00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:24,240
Speaker 1: we're not beefing. I mean we're not talking.

789
00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:26,239
Speaker 3: We beefing. What's up? Tell me what?

790
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:29,560
Speaker 1: Just give me your perspective, what you think happened. And

791
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:31,719
Speaker 1: during that time when they talking, don't be looking to

792
00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:36,760
Speaker 1: defend you know why they feel that way?

793
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:39,239
Speaker 3: I mean, yes, that used to be you all the time.

794
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:42,880
Speaker 2: Absolute I was always like I was the one that

795
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:44,879
Speaker 2: was heavy on the intent. I'm like, man, I did

796
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:48,480
Speaker 2: not know. There's no part of me, there's no bone

797
00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:51,000
Speaker 2: in my body that had any malice with this intent.

798
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 2: But so the fact that you took it that way

799
00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:55,840
Speaker 2: and it impacted you that way is crazy to me,

800
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:58,319
Speaker 2: and that that used to be my thing, especially with

801
00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:00,600
Speaker 2: you and I I pledged to I can't believe you

802
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:02,759
Speaker 2: feel this way when really all I was doing was

803
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,040
Speaker 2: this And then in that turn, you felt like I

804
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:07,680
Speaker 2: was trying to diminish how you felt, or trying to

805
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:11,040
Speaker 2: dismiss how you felt, or not trying to empathize how

806
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,520
Speaker 2: you felt, when really I couldn't get past the fact,

807
00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:15,759
Speaker 2: like what did I do wrong? And that's just having

808
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:18,000
Speaker 2: a self reflection for me. When you're thinking about the

809
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:21,399
Speaker 2: intent portion of it. What did I do or how

810
00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:24,359
Speaker 2: did I deliver this or what action did I do?

811
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:26,080
Speaker 2: How could I have done it differently so I didn't

812
00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:28,440
Speaker 2: get this impact or you didn't get this impact? You know.

813
00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:31,200
Speaker 2: So that was always my thing when it came to

814
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:34,759
Speaker 2: disagreements with you, and but you know, thankfully, through this

815
00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:38,600
Speaker 2: podcast and through our relationship, been able to just extend

816
00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:40,320
Speaker 2: this to our extended families.

817
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:44,000
Speaker 1: But also once again, you trying to explain why you

818
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 1: did it also speaks to your intent. M you know

819
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,960
Speaker 1: not you know not you know saying well, I see

820
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,680
Speaker 1: how that impacted you is why arguments keep going. You know,

821
00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:59,360
Speaker 1: if someone says, YO, poke me in my eye, and

822
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:00,880
Speaker 1: that person just is I didn't do it on purpose,

823
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 1: But you poked me in my eye. But I didn't

824
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,520
Speaker 1: do it on purpose. My eyes bleeding, I have scratched it,

825
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:10,040
Speaker 1: I can't see, I'm blind. I used to have twenty

826
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:13,320
Speaker 1: twenty visions. Now I have zero zero vision in my eye.

827
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:16,280
Speaker 1: And that person goes, but I didn't do it on purpose.

828
00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:18,640
Speaker 1: You're gonna be like, that's all you care about. You

829
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:21,040
Speaker 1: don't even care about my eye. All you care about

830
00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:24,279
Speaker 1: is how you look in this situation. I can't even

831
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:25,800
Speaker 1: look because I can't see.

832
00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 2: Nobody wants to be the bad guy, and that's the problem.

833
00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:30,760
Speaker 2: You just want your eye kissed, right.

834
00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:36,360
Speaker 3: My one eye? You know it got one eye. I

835
00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:37,600
Speaker 3: guess it's time to take a break.

836
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:39,080
Speaker 2: I guess a break.

837
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:43,200
Speaker 3: So Kaki kissed the one eyed monster since she brought

838
00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 3: it up.

839
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:46,920
Speaker 2: I know, I know, we do some stupid. Goodbye, Let's

840
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:48,719
Speaker 2: go pay some bills to come back. I don't even

841
00:36:48,719 --> 00:36:49,319
Speaker 2: know what I was gonna say.

842
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,560
Speaker 3: I don't know how my brain goes there.

843
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:55,239
Speaker 2: Seg to pay the bills, and it just went over

844
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:56,560
Speaker 2: my head because.

845
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:59,760
Speaker 3: You're trying to pay some bills. Go ahead, go ahead,

846
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,200
Speaker 3: take it. Take it to break. Let's take it break.

847
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:13,880
Speaker 2: We'll be back with Listen Letters. Y'all stick around, all right?

848
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:14,600
Speaker 3: We back.

849
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:17,600
Speaker 2: Now, we are back, and I'll jump into Listener Letters

850
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:20,759
Speaker 2: your money, all right. First off, I wanted to say

851
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:23,360
Speaker 2: that I love your podcast. I've been a longtime listener

852
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,719
Speaker 2: and fan, and I really enjoy the down to earth

853
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:29,560
Speaker 2: conversations that you guys have. Thank you. That being said,

854
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:32,280
Speaker 2: the episode with Kaylin Allen really uplifted me to strive

855
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:34,560
Speaker 2: for better in their life. That's why we do it,

856
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:36,759
Speaker 2: you go. I am a thirty three year old woman

857
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:38,880
Speaker 2: and I have a one year old son. I've always

858
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:42,160
Speaker 2: been driven to get a better education and land corporate job,

859
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:44,720
Speaker 2: so I initially went that route and got my bachelor's

860
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:47,640
Speaker 2: degree in healthcare management, along with a multitude of associate

861
00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:48,759
Speaker 2: degrees and diplomas.

862
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:49,719
Speaker 3: Your mother would love them.

863
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 2: Oh yeah. After experiencing a layoff a few years back,

864
00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:55,960
Speaker 2: it really shifted my entire mindset and made me realize

865
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,839
Speaker 2: that my happiness does not reside in my degrees nor

866
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:02,840
Speaker 2: our jobs. Absolutely yet, I've spent so much time spinning

867
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:05,239
Speaker 2: my wheels trying to figure out what does. So I

868
00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:08,759
Speaker 2: ended up remaining in corporate America, even though I loathe it.

869
00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:14,759
Speaker 2: There's no natural talent that I have that sticks out financially. Sorry,

870
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:18,120
Speaker 2: I think I jumped the gun here. There's no natural

871
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:21,000
Speaker 2: talent that I have that sticks out to me, nor

872
00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:24,520
Speaker 2: any particular passions. My only goal is to live a

873
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:30,000
Speaker 2: financially wealthy life, not like me. Tell baby girl, I

874
00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:31,120
Speaker 2: know exactly how you feel.

875
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:31,640
Speaker 3: Okay.

876
00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:35,320
Speaker 2: I strive to be low key wealthy, but I can't

877
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 2: figure out what direction or niche that I'd like to

878
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:42,319
Speaker 2: go into. I did start drop shipping clothing business a

879
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:46,680
Speaker 2: while back librevilling dot Com, but honestly, I haven't put

880
00:38:46,719 --> 00:38:48,840
Speaker 2: that effort into it because it just doesn't feel like

881
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:52,319
Speaker 2: my calling. The reason why Klein Allen's particular episode stuck

882
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:55,080
Speaker 2: out to me is because he is so aware, confident,

883
00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:57,719
Speaker 2: and bold about his life goals as a whole. That

884
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:01,160
Speaker 2: is a fact at twenty six is crazy, definitely. I mean,

885
00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:02,920
Speaker 2: he looks twenty six, but I definitely thought he was

886
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:06,799
Speaker 2: older based off of his demeanor. Sometimes I really do

887
00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:09,360
Speaker 2: wish there was an easier way to distinguish what my

888
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:12,759
Speaker 2: passions and desires are, to have a better understanding of

889
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:18,160
Speaker 2: what direction to go into that that can lead to fulfillment. Ultimately,

890
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:22,040
Speaker 2: it's solely just my drive for financial success pushing me along,

891
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,600
Speaker 2: and I realize that it's likely why I've been spinning

892
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:27,200
Speaker 2: my wheels, unsure of what direction to go in. The

893
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:29,840
Speaker 2: only major thing I've done outside of corporate is purchase

894
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:32,120
Speaker 2: land that I will hopefully be able to add a

895
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:36,960
Speaker 2: home and tenant one day, and I honestly question if

896
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,040
Speaker 2: that was even the right investment or direction. Every day

897
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:42,640
Speaker 2: I want to ensure that myself and my son are

898
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:44,840
Speaker 2: set up in the long run financially and escape corporate

899
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:48,760
Speaker 2: America entirely, but currently walking in circles. Any advice about

900
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:51,680
Speaker 2: how to go into the right direction concerning starting my

901
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:56,640
Speaker 2: business or investment opportunities if there's no real passion behind it, Sincerely,

902
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,320
Speaker 2: the purposeless Entrepreneur travel.

903
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:02,960
Speaker 1: So many people have asked me the same question, and

904
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,480
Speaker 1: they say, Devalo, you know I've heard you tell a

905
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:06,840
Speaker 1: story about how you knew what you want to do

906
00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 1: with You was five and you wanted to act and

907
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:09,920
Speaker 1: you knew this. It's like, I don't know what I

908
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:12,040
Speaker 1: want to do, Like how do I find that out?

909
00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:14,720
Speaker 1: And you know what, I realized people don't travel anymore.

910
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 1: Like a lot of people feel like the digital age

911
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:21,000
Speaker 1: is how they can see the world, so they're force

912
00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,000
Speaker 1: fed all of these things. And the thing is, the

913
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:25,759
Speaker 1: algorithm only shows you things you click on, so you

914
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:29,160
Speaker 1: can't discover anything. Really, it's going to force feed your

915
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:31,680
Speaker 1: stuff you already know. So it gets boring and you.

916
00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:33,279
Speaker 3: Start to feel like, well, I know everything and I

917
00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:34,520
Speaker 3: don't love anything about this.

918
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:37,600
Speaker 1: I have no passions. I have no passions, I have

919
00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:40,400
Speaker 1: no talent. That's not true. Get out there and travel

920
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:43,400
Speaker 1: the world. Go do something, put your feet on the ground,

921
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:46,960
Speaker 1: use your hands. Like, there's so much more to the

922
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:51,319
Speaker 1: world than just making money. And the reason why I

923
00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:53,399
Speaker 1: say that is because you know, people say it's the time.

924
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,160
Speaker 1: You know, money ain't doesn't solve happen, it's money to

925
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,520
Speaker 1: bring you. Oh that's a rich people saying No, that

926
00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 1: is a fact, because because when I was broken poor

927
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:03,959
Speaker 1: and I was playing football, football, and I was making

928
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:06,319
Speaker 1: a lot of money, I was not happy, that's fact.

929
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:08,160
Speaker 1: And I was ready to leave and people asked me, like,

930
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:09,759
Speaker 1: why you leave football? So you quit football? I was

931
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:12,440
Speaker 1: because I wasn't fucking happy, right, So there wasn't amount

932
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:14,880
Speaker 1: of money that was going to be given to me.

933
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:17,640
Speaker 1: But because my parents made sure that we traveled a

934
00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:19,799
Speaker 1: lot and I saw so many different things, I was

935
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,399
Speaker 1: able to try things and realize, oh, I love doing this,

936
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:24,719
Speaker 1: and that's how I found my passion. So the only

937
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:27,560
Speaker 1: way you can find your passion passion is to do

938
00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:31,760
Speaker 1: some soul searching. Meditate by yourself, go travel by yourself.

939
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:33,200
Speaker 1: I know you have a child. I heard them say

940
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:35,239
Speaker 1: they have a child. Ye go out there and see

941
00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:38,880
Speaker 1: playing girl. Yeah, I mean if she is financially stable

942
00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:40,400
Speaker 1: enough to do that. That's a really good idea. What

943
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:43,080
Speaker 1: made me think it's funny that you mentioned travel. But

944
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:44,719
Speaker 1: what I was as I was reading her story and

945
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:46,640
Speaker 1: I was thinking about it, I'm wondering, at thirty three,

946
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:49,360
Speaker 1: was there anything that she was exposed to or involved

947
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:51,640
Speaker 1: in as a kid that is like, man, I really

948
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:54,240
Speaker 1: enjoyed when I did that. Like for me, for example,

949
00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:57,520
Speaker 1: growing up being in pageants, being on stage, being in

950
00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:00,520
Speaker 1: front of the camera, dance competitions, all of those things,

951
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,520
Speaker 1: I think if it if I didn't have it naturally,

952
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:07,040
Speaker 1: it kind of just fostered that love for wanting to

953
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:09,200
Speaker 1: be in entertainment and on the stage and in front

954
00:42:09,239 --> 00:42:11,759
Speaker 1: of the camera. So for me, that was something that

955
00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 1: worked out being a passion of mine where it's just

956
00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:14,800
Speaker 1: this is something that I enjoy.

957
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:17,400
Speaker 2: But I also do feel like her. I can empathize

958
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:19,080
Speaker 2: where I have moments where I'm just like, well, shit,

959
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:20,759
Speaker 2: I just give me the money portion of it, right,

960
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:23,160
Speaker 2: give me the money portion of it, Because I sometimes

961
00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:24,960
Speaker 2: have moments like I've been going through and maybe the

962
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:26,640
Speaker 2: past two or three weeks that I was just like, Yo,

963
00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:28,319
Speaker 2: what's going on with you? Your and it it's been off,

964
00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:30,279
Speaker 2: and I'm like man, I think I'm burnt out. I

965
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,839
Speaker 2: think this year really like was a lot with us,

966
00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:37,960
Speaker 2: with work and business and transitions and all of that,

967
00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:40,319
Speaker 2: to the point where I'm just like, damn, like right

968
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:44,080
Speaker 2: now my peace of mind is superseding my passion for

969
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 2: anything but my family.

970
00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:48,560
Speaker 3: I hear you, but I just think people have to

971
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:52,600
Speaker 3: let me ask you a question. What's what's your passion?

972
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:53,120
Speaker 2: Like?

973
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,120
Speaker 3: What do you want? Like when people.

974
00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:58,240
Speaker 1: Ask you your mission statement for your life?

975
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:00,640
Speaker 3: What is your mission statement for your life?

976
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:04,480
Speaker 2: See? Everything? When I think about that, I really everything

977
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:06,160
Speaker 2: goes back to my family. It goes back to my

978
00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:06,680
Speaker 2: four boys.

979
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:08,960
Speaker 3: In you or do you have a specific mission statement?

980
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:09,239
Speaker 2: No?

981
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:10,040
Speaker 3: How old are you?

982
00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:11,759
Speaker 2: I'm forty almost one.

983
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,719
Speaker 1: The reason why I'm asking you that question is because

984
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:15,600
Speaker 1: she at thirty three is saying she don't know yet.

985
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:17,920
Speaker 3: And my point is everybody doesn't know yet.

986
00:43:18,239 --> 00:43:21,160
Speaker 1: Because Kaylin knew in his twenties doesn't mean everybody has

987
00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:23,879
Speaker 1: to know in their twenties. To feel fulfilled, you spend

988
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:27,000
Speaker 1: time in your life searching for the truth, the truth

989
00:43:27,040 --> 00:43:30,440
Speaker 1: about the afterlife, the truth about purpose, the truth about passion.

990
00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:33,440
Speaker 1: You're in your thirties, the fact that you're seeking something

991
00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:35,640
Speaker 1: knows that you're not fulfilled by what you're doing, so

992
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:38,279
Speaker 1: keep searching. But that doesn't mean that you're lost and

993
00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:40,000
Speaker 1: you don't know. That just means you have more to

994
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:40,880
Speaker 1: do on your journey.

995
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:42,360
Speaker 2: And here you hear you know what I'm saying. I

996
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:44,160
Speaker 2: man get that because, like you said, as a forty

997
00:43:44,360 --> 00:43:46,879
Speaker 2: year old woman, I'm still some days like that's my point.

998
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,640
Speaker 2: What exactly, what exactly makes sense for me? Like what

999
00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:52,840
Speaker 2: do I really want to do? Like if God literally

1000
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:54,560
Speaker 2: was like kadive right now in this moment, I will

1001
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:56,880
Speaker 2: grant you whatever it is that you want, with whoever

1002
00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:59,600
Speaker 2: it is you want, whatever job you want. It's probably

1003
00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:01,520
Speaker 2: not going to be a daytime talk show. It's probably

1004
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:03,360
Speaker 2: not going to be something on camera. It's going to

1005
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:06,560
Speaker 2: be give me a healthy, prosperous life with my husband

1006
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:09,520
Speaker 2: and my four boys. That would be it. You know.

1007
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:14,839
Speaker 2: So everybody's passion looks different. And I love family. That

1008
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:16,600
Speaker 2: is it supersedes everything.

1009
00:44:16,640 --> 00:44:18,840
Speaker 3: And listen to what you say. You said long process.

1010
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:22,560
Speaker 1: So you you you prioritize health, Yes, you prioritize longevity,

1011
00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:26,040
Speaker 1: you prioritize consistency, and you prioritize family. So it seems

1012
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:28,040
Speaker 1: as if you do know what you want. I think

1013
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:30,799
Speaker 1: some people just can't articulate what it is that they want,

1014
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:32,000
Speaker 1: but you do know what you want.

1015
00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:35,319
Speaker 2: Or as a woman, we're also conditioned to feel like

1016
00:44:35,360 --> 00:44:37,279
Speaker 2: you need to do all the things. You need to

1017
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:40,560
Speaker 2: have the career, and you need to have all these

1018
00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:44,319
Speaker 2: things able to be able to be deemed successful. And

1019
00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:45,919
Speaker 2: then you have women who are just like I don't

1020
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:48,240
Speaker 2: want a family. I want the career and the passion,

1021
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:49,200
Speaker 2: and that's where my passion.

1022
00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:52,880
Speaker 1: But why do people have to create their ideas of

1023
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:56,719
Speaker 1: what success is based on other people's ideologies condition to do?

1024
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:58,839
Speaker 1: But that, to me is the first part. If you're

1025
00:44:58,840 --> 00:45:01,520
Speaker 1: really seeking, like your your purpose for yourself, you have

1026
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:04,440
Speaker 1: to look inward, right, why do I care what society

1027
00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:07,439
Speaker 1: says about how I'm supposed to be successful if that's

1028
00:45:07,480 --> 00:45:10,880
Speaker 1: your sole purpose? Oh not purpose, If that's the impetus

1029
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:13,239
Speaker 1: of your thoughts. Your impetus of your thoughts is I

1030
00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:16,320
Speaker 1: have to be able to please, appease or please society.

1031
00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:19,080
Speaker 1: You're always going to feel like this young lady here.

1032
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,960
Speaker 1: You have to find it within yourself to say I

1033
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,360
Speaker 1: like this for me, I'm gonna.

1034
00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:27,319
Speaker 2: Do it and not be worried about what everyone else

1035
00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:31,080
Speaker 2: may be thinking. Yeah, yeah, essentially, good luck to you, sis.

1036
00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:36,120
Speaker 2: I pray you find purpose and become the purpose full entrepreneur.

1037
00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:37,880
Speaker 3: Do we have time for the second one on?

1038
00:45:38,239 --> 00:45:39,040
Speaker 2: I think we might.

1039
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:44,560
Speaker 3: How are we doing on time trouble? Oh?

1040
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:48,719
Speaker 2: Perfect, you read this? I read a second number two.

1041
00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:51,000
Speaker 3: Hey, Kadeen and Deval. I'm going to start off like

1042
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:52,320
Speaker 3: the rest of your listening letters.

1043
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:54,720
Speaker 1: I love y'all down, thank you so much, and DVO,

1044
00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:57,759
Speaker 1: I know you hate this, but you're a couple. I

1045
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,719
Speaker 1: do hate it, but I appreciate y'all, and I do

1046
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,720
Speaker 1: hear what y'all are saying as far as a couple goals.

1047
00:46:01,960 --> 00:46:03,839
Speaker 1: Y'all are not saying that we are a couple goals,

1048
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:05,640
Speaker 1: but the way that we communicate with each other and

1049
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:07,799
Speaker 1: we work together is a goal that they aspire for

1050
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:08,319
Speaker 1: their selves.

1051
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:09,960
Speaker 3: So I'll receive that.

1052
00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:11,600
Speaker 2: Sorry, we'll start leaning into that.

1053
00:46:11,680 --> 00:46:13,720
Speaker 1: I'll stop saying that I hate it because I understand

1054
00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:14,960
Speaker 1: you guys are making it very clear.

1055
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:16,080
Speaker 3: So we appreciate y'all.

1056
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:18,200
Speaker 1: I'm constantly trying to get my man to listen to

1057
00:46:18,239 --> 00:46:20,560
Speaker 1: your podcast with me, because anything y'all talk about is

1058
00:46:20,560 --> 00:46:21,560
Speaker 1: always a good conversation.

1059
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:21,960
Speaker 3: Starter.

1060
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:23,880
Speaker 1: But let me get to the point of my letter.

1061
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:26,399
Speaker 1: I'm thirty eight, my man is thirty four. We've been

1062
00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:29,399
Speaker 1: together for seven years, and this is the longest rate

1063
00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:32,799
Speaker 1: relationship either of us have have been in. I had

1064
00:46:32,840 --> 00:46:35,239
Speaker 1: a son prize to our relationship, but he's been in

1065
00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:38,440
Speaker 1: his life since he was five. He just turned thirteen.

1066
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:41,520
Speaker 1: We have two boys together, four and two, so three

1067
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:43,640
Speaker 1: boys I look up to y'all, but I cannot go

1068
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:47,200
Speaker 1: for the fourth. So when we first started dating, I

1069
00:46:47,239 --> 00:46:49,279
Speaker 1: really didn't have a goal of marriage because I had

1070
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:51,600
Speaker 1: been in some shitty relationships and just kind of adopted

1071
00:46:51,640 --> 00:46:53,720
Speaker 1: the mentality that it would be easier to walk away

1072
00:46:53,719 --> 00:46:57,000
Speaker 1: from a relationship than a marriage. But close to our

1073
00:46:57,040 --> 00:46:59,279
Speaker 1: second year of dating, I started to change my thought

1074
00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:03,200
Speaker 1: process because I knew this was my person I like,

1075
00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:05,680
Speaker 1: like I said previously, this is the longest relationship either

1076
00:47:05,719 --> 00:47:08,440
Speaker 1: of us have been in been in, and marriage was

1077
00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:10,919
Speaker 1: never something he aspired to have because he never seen

1078
00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:13,399
Speaker 1: a successful marriage. You know, it's funny. I talked about

1079
00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:16,360
Speaker 1: this on another podcast earlier. People were saying, like, you know,

1080
00:47:16,600 --> 00:47:18,360
Speaker 1: there's some comments. Was just like, you know, I watched

1081
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:21,080
Speaker 1: the violence coadean stuff, but it just seems fake. And

1082
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:24,759
Speaker 1: I said to the young lady that was interviewing me,

1083
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:26,919
Speaker 1: I said, you have to understand where someone's coming from.

1084
00:47:27,120 --> 00:47:29,560
Speaker 1: Imagine growing up your whole entire life and you've never

1085
00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:32,920
Speaker 1: seen a healthy marriage or relationship, and it here comes

1086
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:36,839
Speaker 1: somebody on a screen that says they're doing it this way.

1087
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:39,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, I wouldn't believe them neither. You know what I'm saying, Like,

1088
00:47:39,719 --> 00:47:40,520
Speaker 3: I haven't seen it.

1089
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:43,759
Speaker 2: Yes, So I understand why people like that too, because

1090
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:45,440
Speaker 2: it's like that's probably coming from a place of like

1091
00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:47,480
Speaker 2: hurt too, you know, like I never really got to

1092
00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:48,799
Speaker 2: experience it, so it has to be fake.

1093
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:51,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, But the couple, but the past couple of years,

1094
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:54,400
Speaker 1: he's made comments more than I have about marriage and

1095
00:47:54,400 --> 00:47:55,800
Speaker 1: calling me his future wife.

1096
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:57,879
Speaker 3: I liked, I love that, but he still has yet

1097
00:47:57,920 --> 00:47:58,320
Speaker 3: to propose.

1098
00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:00,120
Speaker 1: I'm starting to get a little annoyed, and I'm not

1099
00:48:00,239 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 1: sure if I even want to want it anymore, because

1100
00:48:03,080 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 1: I'm starting to feel like he's just dangling in my

1101
00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:07,839
Speaker 1: face and that he's making the comments to keep up

1102
00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:10,480
Speaker 1: keep me content with the idea that it's going to

1103
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:11,000
Speaker 1: happen soon.

1104
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:12,959
Speaker 2: Want to get married.

1105
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:14,280
Speaker 3: Fact, so that don't make no sense.

1106
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:18,000
Speaker 1: But Hey, listen, man, I never want to seem like

1107
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:21,440
Speaker 1: I'm giving him an ultimatum, but I also don't appreciate

1108
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:24,239
Speaker 1: him saying things like, oh, I almost told them your

1109
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:28,080
Speaker 1: last name is blank, but it's not. It's not on

1110
00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:30,520
Speaker 1: your ID yet, or acting like he was about to

1111
00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:33,880
Speaker 1: propose on my most recent birthday as fucked up.

1112
00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:35,000
Speaker 3: You know.

1113
00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:37,200
Speaker 1: So I feel about the fake proposal, even the name

1114
00:48:37,320 --> 00:48:39,600
Speaker 1: chase thing. But do I ask him to stop saying

1115
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,680
Speaker 1: things altogether if he's not going to do it? Do

1116
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:45,200
Speaker 1: I just ignore him? What do you think I should do?

1117
00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:47,840
Speaker 1: I've told him I don't need the grand gesture and

1118
00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:50,239
Speaker 1: I don't need the most expensive ring. I barely want

1119
00:48:50,239 --> 00:48:52,880
Speaker 1: a wedding, So I'm not sure if he's waiting on

1120
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:55,719
Speaker 1: the perfect moment I'm confused now, or if he's just

1121
00:48:55,840 --> 00:48:57,120
Speaker 1: being the procrastinator.

1122
00:48:57,200 --> 00:48:58,719
Speaker 3: So do she want to get married or not? Because

1123
00:48:58,800 --> 00:49:00,680
Speaker 3: right now it seems like she wants to get married

1124
00:49:00,719 --> 00:49:01,680
Speaker 3: like she does.

1125
00:49:03,880 --> 00:49:04,040
Speaker 2: Now.

1126
00:49:04,120 --> 00:49:06,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's another story on another day about the procrastination.

1127
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:09,400
Speaker 1: I know everyone's journey is different, but I'm getting annoyed

1128
00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:12,520
Speaker 1: because we built a life together and are still building

1129
00:49:12,560 --> 00:49:14,040
Speaker 1: so I don't understand the hold up.

1130
00:49:14,480 --> 00:49:15,440
Speaker 3: I need some advice.

1131
00:49:16,719 --> 00:49:21,560
Speaker 2: Okay, So first of all, you want to get married

1132
00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:22,399
Speaker 2: is the first thing.

1133
00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:25,520
Speaker 3: Clearly she wants to get married, but she wants you want.

1134
00:49:25,560 --> 00:49:28,360
Speaker 2: To get married, right And even though you have not

1135
00:49:28,520 --> 00:49:30,640
Speaker 2: or he has not seen any successful marriage, you guys

1136
00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:34,399
Speaker 2: aspire to be married. In terms of him going back

1137
00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:35,759
Speaker 2: and forth, I'm not sure what that is, if he's

1138
00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:37,799
Speaker 2: trying to catch you off guard or not. But one

1139
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:39,440
Speaker 2: thing that vou did tell me, and I've learned from

1140
00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:41,560
Speaker 2: a lot of men in our lives and things you know,

1141
00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:43,759
Speaker 2: guys in passing, is that men always have a plan

1142
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:45,000
Speaker 2: and they always know when they're going to.

1143
00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:49,000
Speaker 1: Do it, not not knowing men no no, no, no no, no, don't.

1144
00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:52,360
Speaker 2: Don't don't do that all is a very strong one

1145
00:49:52,360 --> 00:49:56,520
Speaker 2: who I've spoken to and included said that men, good goodness,

1146
00:49:56,520 --> 00:49:59,759
Speaker 2: good men who have good intentions, yes, a plan, who

1147
00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:04,640
Speaker 2: have a plan for your future as a collective, they

1148
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:08,040
Speaker 2: essentially know how they're trying to roll things out, whether

1149
00:50:08,080 --> 00:50:11,680
Speaker 2: it's saving money for ring, saving money for a potential wedding,

1150
00:50:11,719 --> 00:50:13,040
Speaker 2: saving money for a life.

1151
00:50:13,480 --> 00:50:15,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, so there's.

1152
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:17,880
Speaker 2: A possibility there that that's what he's doing. Now. I

1153
00:50:17,880 --> 00:50:20,880
Speaker 2: think it's worth if anything, a conversation to say, hey, babe,

1154
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:23,000
Speaker 2: like you've been teasing me a little bit, like what's

1155
00:50:23,040 --> 00:50:25,120
Speaker 2: going on here? Are you really wanting to get married?

1156
00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:27,719
Speaker 2: Are you really thinking seriously about this proposal? And a

1157
00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:28,920
Speaker 2: girl just sit tight.

1158
00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:36,879
Speaker 3: Tight because you said you wouldn't want to get married before.

1159
00:50:37,040 --> 00:50:39,680
Speaker 2: So maybe he's warming up to the marriage idea, or

1160
00:50:39,680 --> 00:50:42,600
Speaker 2: maybe this is his way of finding out, giving little

1161
00:50:42,719 --> 00:50:44,680
Speaker 2: jokes to see how you would react to it.

1162
00:50:44,760 --> 00:50:47,840
Speaker 1: So let's let's remember we talked about understanding your partner

1163
00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:52,040
Speaker 1: in history, right she said she's never seen a healthy marriage.

1164
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:55,360
Speaker 1: He's never seen a healthy marriage, So if he's considering

1165
00:50:56,200 --> 00:50:59,200
Speaker 1: getting married, he doesn't even know how to ask you.

1166
00:50:59,239 --> 00:51:02,200
Speaker 3: Maybe the Joe is a way. I almost said your

1167
00:51:02,239 --> 00:51:04,040
Speaker 3: last name was Ellis. But you know it's not.

1168
00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:06,160
Speaker 2: Just to see if you like what you might say,

1169
00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:07,839
Speaker 2: because if you.

1170
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:09,239
Speaker 1: Say that, then maybe he's like, yo, she do want

1171
00:51:09,239 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 1: to get married? Or you say it could be Yellis

1172
00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:13,880
Speaker 1: and you like, I ain't marrying you? That he know

1173
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:16,360
Speaker 1: not to propose, you know what I'm saying, Like, maybe

1174
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:19,040
Speaker 1: he's trying to figure it out because she already said

1175
00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:21,759
Speaker 1: he doesn't know how to be exact in a relationship.

1176
00:51:21,800 --> 00:51:22,520
Speaker 3: And they both don't.

1177
00:51:22,560 --> 00:51:26,399
Speaker 2: And his intent maybe to gauge, you know, temperature check

1178
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:30,319
Speaker 2: how you're feeling, but it's impacting you in the wrong way.

1179
00:51:30,400 --> 00:51:31,440
Speaker 3: That's way because now.

1180
00:51:31,520 --> 00:51:33,439
Speaker 2: Like now, I'm frustrated and I don't know what he's

1181
00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:35,840
Speaker 2: doing because he's not he's not being straightforward with me.

1182
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:37,560
Speaker 2: But a serious conversation.

1183
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:39,239
Speaker 3: Crazy is she.

1184
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:42,360
Speaker 1: Went from not wanting to ever get married right to

1185
00:51:42,440 --> 00:51:46,200
Speaker 1: him making a joke to her now wanting to marry

1186
00:51:46,239 --> 00:51:49,440
Speaker 1: somebody else. How you went from not wanting to be married,

1187
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:51,000
Speaker 1: so now he made a joke and now you're just

1188
00:51:51,040 --> 00:51:53,239
Speaker 1: ready to marry now, she said, I didn't want to

1189
00:51:53,239 --> 00:51:55,160
Speaker 1: give him an ultimatum, but he needs to hurry up.

1190
00:51:55,880 --> 00:51:59,600
Speaker 2: What what like the ultimatum? I gave the vow, which

1191
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:01,880
Speaker 2: he says an ultimatum, and it wasn't an ultimatum, but

1192
00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,080
Speaker 2: he took it as such.

1193
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:06,440
Speaker 3: Shit or get off the pot is like literally an ultimatum.

1194
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:09,840
Speaker 2: But I did not say that. Okay, I told you

1195
00:52:09,880 --> 00:52:12,680
Speaker 2: I was moving back to New York so that way

1196
00:52:12,719 --> 00:52:14,640
Speaker 2: I can pursue my career, and.

1197
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:16,600
Speaker 1: Because you wasn't my wife, you would have to move on.

1198
00:52:16,719 --> 00:52:19,120
Speaker 1: If that's an ultimatum, No.

1199
00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:25,160
Speaker 2: It was telling you to get. You decide what gets

1200
00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:31,600
Speaker 2: the impactful and intentional simultaneously, sir, So let me ask question.

1201
00:52:31,640 --> 00:52:33,719
Speaker 2: At least you knew what she wanted to do after that,

1202
00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:35,080
Speaker 2: Because here we are, let.

1203
00:52:34,920 --> 00:52:37,000
Speaker 3: Me ask a serious question, all right.

1204
00:52:37,640 --> 00:52:41,239
Speaker 1: If a young lady asked Jackson, Jackson, Look, they've been

1205
00:52:41,320 --> 00:52:44,320
Speaker 1: dating for a while, and Jackson is playing some things

1206
00:52:44,320 --> 00:52:45,920
Speaker 1: and he's trying to get some things in order, and

1207
00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:48,360
Speaker 1: she says, look, Jackson, I'm leaving. I'm moving back to

1208
00:52:48,440 --> 00:52:50,520
Speaker 1: my hometown to figure it out because you take it

1209
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:52,520
Speaker 1: too long. Would you take that as an ultimatum or

1210
00:52:52,600 --> 00:52:53,560
Speaker 1: say I didn't say you.

1211
00:52:53,520 --> 00:52:54,399
Speaker 2: Were taking too long.

1212
00:52:54,880 --> 00:52:57,920
Speaker 1: Then you literally said to me, I'm not going to

1213
00:52:57,960 --> 00:52:59,319
Speaker 1: be your living girlfriend.

1214
00:52:59,840 --> 00:53:02,040
Speaker 3: You have to make a decision or I'm moving on.

1215
00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:04,359
Speaker 2: No, I didn't say I was moving on in life.

1216
00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:08,040
Speaker 2: I said I was moving back to New York my career.

1217
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:10,439
Speaker 2: You could have came and find me in New York

1218
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:11,120
Speaker 2: if you wanted to.

1219
00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:13,080
Speaker 1: So what you're saying it was you was you also

1220
00:53:13,160 --> 00:53:15,000
Speaker 1: you still wanted to be in a relationship. You just

1221
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:17,319
Speaker 1: wanted to be in a relationship long distance because I

1222
00:53:17,320 --> 00:53:18,200
Speaker 1: hadn't proposed yet.

1223
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:21,279
Speaker 2: No, I wanted to know what you were serious about doing,

1224
00:53:21,280 --> 00:53:23,479
Speaker 2: and in the meantime, while you were figuring it out,

1225
00:53:23,800 --> 00:53:26,799
Speaker 2: I wasn't gonna be stagnant in Detroit. I was gonna

1226
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:28,719
Speaker 2: go to New York to pursue my career. Get out

1227
00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:30,280
Speaker 2: my camera, Get out my camera.

1228
00:53:32,480 --> 00:53:35,520
Speaker 3: Came you don't want to take no accountability for this ultimatum.

1229
00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:36,320
Speaker 3: She gave me.

1230
00:53:38,520 --> 00:53:41,600
Speaker 2: Ultimatum. You can call it an ultimatum. It was me

1231
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:44,280
Speaker 2: moving forward with the plans I had for my career

1232
00:53:44,280 --> 00:53:46,200
Speaker 2: because I felt like I had invested enough time in

1233
00:53:46,239 --> 00:53:47,640
Speaker 2: Detroit not doing anything.

1234
00:53:47,920 --> 00:53:49,560
Speaker 1: So you saying to me you didn't want to be

1235
00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:53,160
Speaker 1: my living girlfriend and you was moving on doesn't make

1236
00:53:53,200 --> 00:53:54,520
Speaker 1: that appear like an ultimatum.

1237
00:53:54,600 --> 00:53:56,399
Speaker 2: You gotta say the whole thing. I was moving, not

1238
00:53:56,440 --> 00:53:58,799
Speaker 2: moving on from you. I was moving back to New

1239
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:01,399
Speaker 2: York to pursue my career. And you could have came

1240
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,600
Speaker 2: and got me in New York, and you could have

1241
00:54:03,680 --> 00:54:05,440
Speaker 2: moved back to New York once you were done with

1242
00:54:05,480 --> 00:54:07,240
Speaker 2: the football and stuff, and then we could have continued

1243
00:54:07,239 --> 00:54:07,920
Speaker 2: our relationship.

1244
00:54:07,960 --> 00:54:13,919
Speaker 5: Then, no matter how you spun it, it was I'm

1245
00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:18,399
Speaker 5: leaving because of my own personal reasons, and you either

1246
00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:20,440
Speaker 5: get with the program or you come with me.

1247
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:21,920
Speaker 3: Was that not what it was?

1248
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:23,560
Speaker 2: Yes, it was.

1249
00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:26,880
Speaker 3: Does that not sound like an ultimatum? People? Can we

1250
00:54:27,000 --> 00:54:27,680
Speaker 3: not do this?

1251
00:54:28,040 --> 00:54:32,000
Speaker 2: Like? Like, can we not do back away from my camera?

1252
00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:35,560
Speaker 2: Thank you? I pretty much knew that I needed to

1253
00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:38,000
Speaker 2: move on with my career because I was sitting in

1254
00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:41,840
Speaker 2: Detroit with you, being of service to you when I

1255
00:54:41,920 --> 00:54:44,319
Speaker 2: was not even your wife. Yet I had put in

1256
00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:45,000
Speaker 2: some years.

1257
00:54:45,640 --> 00:54:47,279
Speaker 3: Okay, you'd only want to put in years. I didn't

1258
00:54:47,280 --> 00:54:47,919
Speaker 3: put in no years.

1259
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:49,839
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you were also pursuing your career, so why

1260
00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:50,680
Speaker 2: can I pursue mine?

1261
00:54:50,719 --> 00:54:52,680
Speaker 3: But I was also acting as your husband.

1262
00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:55,160
Speaker 1: I was paying all of your bills, I was paying

1263
00:54:55,160 --> 00:54:57,440
Speaker 1: for your car, I was buying your clothes.

1264
00:54:57,600 --> 00:54:58,320
Speaker 3: Absolutely I was.

1265
00:54:59,160 --> 00:55:01,759
Speaker 1: I was doing all the things that a husband was doing, right,

1266
00:55:02,200 --> 00:55:04,319
Speaker 1: But you just said you put in years like you

1267
00:55:04,480 --> 00:55:06,440
Speaker 1: was doing stuff a wife was and I wasn't.

1268
00:55:06,760 --> 00:55:09,920
Speaker 2: No, at that time, I was getting pressure from my parents.

1269
00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:12,520
Speaker 2: What's going on with your career? What's going on with

1270
00:55:12,520 --> 00:55:13,920
Speaker 2: your reason?

1271
00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:17,680
Speaker 1: The reason why you gave me an ultimatum? Don't say

1272
00:55:17,719 --> 00:55:22,120
Speaker 1: it wasn't ultimatum, but it was. Look, Deval, I'm leaving

1273
00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:26,279
Speaker 1: you either proposed or you come back to New York

1274
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:27,880
Speaker 1: with me, because I'm not gonna be your.

1275
00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:29,239
Speaker 2: Could have came to New York and propose the New

1276
00:55:29,320 --> 00:55:30,000
Speaker 2: York like you did.

1277
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:32,680
Speaker 1: You're right, you're right, But either way, that's an ultimatum.

1278
00:55:32,719 --> 00:55:35,239
Speaker 1: When you tell someone I'm leaving or do this, that

1279
00:55:35,400 --> 00:55:36,279
Speaker 1: is an ultimatum.

1280
00:55:36,400 --> 00:55:36,600
Speaker 3: Now.

1281
00:55:36,640 --> 00:55:40,240
Speaker 1: I know women have, you know, trouble, like with things

1282
00:55:40,280 --> 00:55:45,279
Speaker 1: like accountability. I get that, but come on, like, we

1283
00:55:45,440 --> 00:55:48,200
Speaker 1: got people who'll be watching us that you gotta be honest. Bro,

1284
00:55:48,719 --> 00:55:51,600
Speaker 1: you can't tell that woman like you literally said to

1285
00:55:51,680 --> 00:55:55,000
Speaker 1: at the end of the thing, sit tight, hold your horses.

1286
00:55:55,040 --> 00:55:56,400
Speaker 3: You told her that I was sitting tight.

1287
00:55:56,480 --> 00:55:58,279
Speaker 2: It's what I would have been, sitting tight in New

1288
00:55:58,360 --> 00:55:59,680
Speaker 2: York pursuing my career.

1289
00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:03,239
Speaker 1: All right, all right, you know what this is this

1290
00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:07,480
Speaker 1: Watch growth, Watch growth, watch growthod you got it, babe.

1291
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:12,160
Speaker 2: See my intent to let you know I was going

1292
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:12,680
Speaker 2: back to New York.

1293
00:56:12,719 --> 00:56:12,959
Speaker 3: Didn't.

1294
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:15,279
Speaker 2: I didn't think it was impacting you as an ultimatum.

1295
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:17,359
Speaker 2: I was just letting you know what my plan was

1296
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:18,080
Speaker 2: for my career.

1297
00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:20,440
Speaker 3: The impact is definitely an ultimatum.

1298
00:56:20,480 --> 00:56:23,279
Speaker 1: It was an ultimatum, pack all right, it was, and

1299
00:56:23,360 --> 00:56:25,480
Speaker 1: it was because it impacted me in a way where

1300
00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:26,880
Speaker 1: I was like, shit, I'm about to lose her.

1301
00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:29,080
Speaker 3: I ain't trying to lose this, so let me get

1302
00:56:29,120 --> 00:56:29,680
Speaker 3: on my horse.

1303
00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:33,760
Speaker 1: So I proposed, I personally don't think all ultimatums are bad.

1304
00:56:34,160 --> 00:56:36,759
Speaker 1: I don't, but I do think if you're giving someone

1305
00:56:36,880 --> 00:56:40,360
Speaker 1: ultimate an ultimatum without providing them with a way to

1306
00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:42,680
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, like, I think that that's bad.

1307
00:56:43,880 --> 00:56:46,399
Speaker 1: I will still staying ten toes down with the fact

1308
00:56:46,400 --> 00:56:47,799
Speaker 1: that you gave me an ultimatum.

1309
00:56:48,120 --> 00:56:49,840
Speaker 3: You're not gonna talk me off of that. That's the

1310
00:56:49,880 --> 00:56:51,319
Speaker 3: hell I'm willing to die on.

1311
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:53,879
Speaker 2: That's fine, but my heels, I.

1312
00:56:53,840 --> 00:56:57,160
Speaker 1: Will say, you were never wishy washy. The problem with

1313
00:56:57,200 --> 00:57:00,719
Speaker 1: me with ultimatums is that people be wishy washy. For example,

1314
00:57:01,520 --> 00:57:03,239
Speaker 1: I don't really want to get married. I don't know

1315
00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:07,279
Speaker 1: about relationships. I haven't seen healthy relationships. D He better

1316
00:57:07,360 --> 00:57:09,399
Speaker 1: hurry up because I'm getting tired. You know what I'm saying.

1317
00:57:09,400 --> 00:57:12,160
Speaker 1: It's like you can't give someone an ultimatum or say

1318
00:57:12,160 --> 00:57:15,239
Speaker 1: you don't. You were very clear, you said, Nigga, I

1319
00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:17,040
Speaker 1: want to be married. I don't want to be your

1320
00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:19,160
Speaker 1: living We knew that was.

1321
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:21,320
Speaker 2: Always that was always my trajectory.

1322
00:57:20,840 --> 00:57:23,480
Speaker 3: When it came to you it's still an ultimatum.

1323
00:57:23,480 --> 00:57:28,520
Speaker 2: All right, y'all. I don't like that ultimatum, y'all. I

1324
00:57:28,560 --> 00:57:30,920
Speaker 2: gave the an ultimatum. I can't even say with a

1325
00:57:30,920 --> 00:57:36,480
Speaker 2: straight face because it's not accurate anyway.

1326
00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:38,320
Speaker 1: We're gonna take you. We're gonna ask this at the

1327
00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:40,520
Speaker 1: end of the at the end of the episode, sure will.

1328
00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:43,560
Speaker 2: I want you to come here and tune in and

1329
00:57:43,560 --> 00:57:44,320
Speaker 2: they can give.

1330
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:46,480
Speaker 1: Us let's go when we come. We come out of

1331
00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:50,280
Speaker 1: this after show. We're talking about ultimates ultimat after show.

1332
00:57:50,440 --> 00:57:52,680
Speaker 2: If you want to be featured as a future listening letter,

1333
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:54,720
Speaker 2: be sure to email us at dead as Advice at

1334
00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:55,920
Speaker 2: gmail dot com.

1335
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:58,000
Speaker 3: That's D E A D A S S A D

1336
00:57:58,160 --> 00:57:59,960
Speaker 3: V I C E at gmail.

1337
00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:04,880
Speaker 2: All Right, moment of true time Today, we're talking impact

1338
00:58:05,040 --> 00:58:09,280
Speaker 2: versus intent, particularly when it comes to familial relationships and

1339
00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:11,560
Speaker 2: going into the holidays and what that's going to look

1340
00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:14,560
Speaker 2: like for everyone. Because I know that there's people who

1341
00:58:14,680 --> 00:58:17,200
Speaker 2: experience a lot of anxiety around this time of year

1342
00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:19,920
Speaker 2: for a number of reasons when it comes to family,

1343
00:58:20,200 --> 00:58:22,560
Speaker 2: but particularly having to gather together. So what's your moment

1344
00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:25,000
Speaker 2: true Because you have some of you right, you were

1345
00:58:25,040 --> 00:58:27,240
Speaker 2: feeling it in that already papers.

1346
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:29,120
Speaker 1: If you're on your way driving to work, don't write

1347
00:58:29,120 --> 00:58:30,160
Speaker 1: this down, just listen to it.

1348
00:58:30,240 --> 00:58:31,200
Speaker 3: You listen back, all right.

1349
00:58:32,440 --> 00:58:37,200
Speaker 1: The thin line that exists between creating a boundary or

1350
00:58:37,240 --> 00:58:43,320
Speaker 1: extending a grace exists with intent. That's how you decide

1351
00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:45,640
Speaker 1: whether you're going to give grace or create a boundary.

1352
00:58:45,720 --> 00:58:49,920
Speaker 2: That's a bar in, a thin line between boundary and grace.

1353
00:58:50,960 --> 00:58:53,600
Speaker 1: Is intent is intense. If you can, if you can

1354
00:58:53,720 --> 00:58:58,880
Speaker 1: use discernments to decipher whether that person was being truthful

1355
00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:01,520
Speaker 1: and genuine about their feelings and how they were going

1356
00:59:01,600 --> 00:59:04,800
Speaker 1: to deal with you, extend grace. If that person was

1357
00:59:04,840 --> 00:59:08,480
Speaker 1: being manipulative and malicious and was trying to hurt you,

1358
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:11,760
Speaker 1: create a boundary. It's all about the intent as long

1359
00:59:11,840 --> 00:59:15,600
Speaker 1: as you can use discernment to figure it out. Create

1360
00:59:15,680 --> 00:59:18,120
Speaker 1: grace or give grace. I mean, create a boundary or

1361
00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:22,000
Speaker 1: give grace. Here's the crazy part. If you can't discern

1362
00:59:22,280 --> 00:59:25,920
Speaker 1: create a boundary, think about it. If you sit down

1363
00:59:25,920 --> 00:59:27,440
Speaker 1: with this person, you're like, I don't know if this

1364
00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:30,840
Speaker 1: person is being intention on something, I'll create a boundary.

1365
00:59:30,880 --> 00:59:32,480
Speaker 3: If I don't know, boundary create.

1366
00:59:32,840 --> 00:59:35,919
Speaker 2: You know what's funny? That kind of made me think

1367
00:59:35,960 --> 00:59:37,560
Speaker 2: of what I was going to say, and for me,

1368
00:59:37,720 --> 00:59:40,439
Speaker 2: my moment of truth was like, at some point in life,

1369
00:59:40,480 --> 00:59:43,880
Speaker 2: you reach the point where you realize that the family

1370
00:59:44,000 --> 00:59:47,680
Speaker 2: that you exist in is sometimes that nuclear family that

1371
00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:52,240
Speaker 2: you created, and sometimes it's okay to protect your peace

1372
00:59:52,680 --> 00:59:55,520
Speaker 2: and not have to cater to and run behind everybody

1373
00:59:55,560 --> 00:59:56,600
Speaker 2: in what they facts.

1374
00:59:56,840 --> 00:59:57,320
Speaker 3: Facts.

1375
00:59:57,520 --> 01:00:00,640
Speaker 2: That's true, because like that's true what you said, and

1376
01:00:01,120 --> 01:00:03,360
Speaker 2: the point of this episode. Of course, we're always going

1377
01:00:03,440 --> 01:00:06,040
Speaker 2: to err on the side of being the bigger person,

1378
01:00:06,080 --> 01:00:07,800
Speaker 2: or at least trying to be the person the foster

1379
01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:12,560
Speaker 2: that communication between relationships, whether it's you know, romantic relationships

1380
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:15,520
Speaker 2: or family relationships. But sometimes you reach a point where

1381
01:00:15,520 --> 01:00:19,360
Speaker 2: you realize, like some relationships ran its course, and that's okay,

1382
01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:21,600
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying with family members, even because

1383
01:00:21,920 --> 01:00:24,040
Speaker 2: as you get older. One thing that I've realized as

1384
01:00:24,080 --> 01:00:27,160
Speaker 2: I got older, just because someone is an actual family

1385
01:00:27,160 --> 01:00:32,680
Speaker 2: member meaning aunt, cousin, you know, grandparent, it doesn't negate

1386
01:00:32,720 --> 01:00:34,680
Speaker 2: the fact that maybe y'all don't see the eye to eye.

1387
01:00:34,720 --> 01:00:36,680
Speaker 2: Maybe that's just not a person that you would even

1388
01:00:37,440 --> 01:00:40,360
Speaker 2: converse with or hang with on a regular basis because

1389
01:00:40,400 --> 01:00:43,200
Speaker 2: you just have a difference of opinions you don't stand

1390
01:00:43,240 --> 01:00:46,640
Speaker 2: for the same things, and realizing that that's okay, yeah.

1391
01:00:46,680 --> 01:00:49,120
Speaker 1: No one's entitled to your time, that's okay yeah, or

1392
01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:51,680
Speaker 1: your space or your energy, right, and you're not. You know,

1393
01:00:51,720 --> 01:00:53,920
Speaker 1: you're not entitled to anyone else's so you got to

1394
01:00:53,960 --> 01:00:55,920
Speaker 1: recognize that too. You may be on the receiving end

1395
01:00:55,960 --> 01:00:58,080
Speaker 1: of that from someone and have to say, you know what, you.

1396
01:00:58,040 --> 01:01:02,880
Speaker 2: May exactly just go out gracefully, don't give no ultimatums

1397
01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:05,960
Speaker 2: and nothing. Just say hey, you got it.

1398
01:01:06,240 --> 01:01:08,680
Speaker 1: You can give me ultimatum, I'm gonna remove me, or

1399
01:01:08,720 --> 01:01:11,400
Speaker 1: you can give an ultimatum and call it something very different.

1400
01:01:12,480 --> 01:01:14,959
Speaker 3: People tend to do that at times too, all right,

1401
01:01:15,200 --> 01:01:15,960
Speaker 3: just so you know.

1402
01:01:16,320 --> 01:01:22,640
Speaker 2: Shut us a valve anyway. Be sure y'all to find

1403
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:25,760
Speaker 2: us on Patreon to see exclusive Deadass podcast video content,

1404
01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:28,520
Speaker 2: as well as Ella's family content and behind the scenes.

1405
01:01:28,960 --> 01:01:31,160
Speaker 2: You can also find us on social media at dead

1406
01:01:31,160 --> 01:01:33,600
Speaker 2: Ass the podcast, I'm Kadena, I Am.

1407
01:01:33,560 --> 01:01:34,520
Speaker 3: And I Am Devo.

1408
01:01:34,640 --> 01:01:37,560
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review,

1409
01:01:37,640 --> 01:01:39,720
Speaker 1: and subscribe, and make sure you pick up your copy

1410
01:01:39,800 --> 01:01:42,560
Speaker 1: of We Over Me. The Counterintuitive Approach to getting everything

1411
01:01:42,640 --> 01:01:44,560
Speaker 1: you want out of your relationship.

1412
01:01:44,760 --> 01:01:47,920
Speaker 2: Dead Ass, Baby.

1413
01:01:47,600 --> 01:01:53,000
Speaker 1: Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network,

1414
01:01:53,000 --> 01:01:56,240
Speaker 1: and it's produced by Donor, Opinia and Triple Follow the

1415
01:01:56,240 --> 01:01:59,040
Speaker 1: podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and

1416
01:01:59,160 --> 01:01:59,840
Speaker 1: never miss a Thing

1417
01:02:02,560 --> 01:02:04,160
Speaker 2: Snack at