WEBVTT - I Choose...Co-Parenting with Peter Facinelli Pt. 1 0:00:01.600 --> 0:00:08.920 You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, 0:00:09.400 --> 0:00:13.560 Welcome to the I Choose Me Podcast. This podcast is 0:00:13.720 --> 0:00:17.120 all about the choices we make and where they lead us. 0:00:17.680 --> 0:00:22.720 Sometimes life brings you scenarios that we never anticipate, like 0:00:23.000 --> 0:00:26.520 co parenting after a divorce. When you become a parent, 0:00:26.560 --> 0:00:29.800 you don't think how will I approach parenting if my 0:00:29.920 --> 0:00:33.960 relationship falls apart. You only start to think about co 0:00:34.120 --> 0:00:36.680 parenting when you are forced to because it's now your 0:00:36.800 --> 0:00:41.680 new reality. Co Parenting can be really frustrating, and it 0:00:41.720 --> 0:00:45.040 can leave you feeling lonely and defeated. But on the 0:00:45.080 --> 0:00:50.080 other hand, it can be collaborative and rewarding if everyone 0:00:50.320 --> 0:00:55.160 is working together. Today I am joined by someone whom 0:00:55.240 --> 0:00:58.040 I was married to. He's the father of my three 0:00:58.080 --> 0:01:01.800 girls and someone I will be co parenting with for 0:01:01.880 --> 0:01:06.160 the rest of my life. We have never sat down 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:09.600 together and talked about our divorce or our journey to 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:14.280 co parenting. So maybe I'm a little nervous and I'm 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:18.880 kind of excited about this conversation. Welcome Peter Facchinelli to 0:01:18.920 --> 0:01:23.479 the I Choose Me Podcast. This is wild you here? 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:29.120 Yeah. In the I Choose Therapy, A therapy session if 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:29.640 it does. 0:01:29.640 --> 0:01:32.120 Now that you bring it on this couch, starting to 0:01:32.120 --> 0:01:34.760 get a little sweaty under my pitt. Yeah, this is 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:38.120 wild because we haven't really sat down and had a conversation. 0:01:38.440 --> 0:01:42.760 It's certainly not a public conversation about anything, you know, 0:01:42.840 --> 0:01:46.880 regarding our marriage or divorce or co parenting. So this 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:50.000 is Yeah, this is a very big step for us. 0:01:50.840 --> 0:01:53.320 I think it'll be good. Let's just say this. Uh, 0:01:53.640 --> 0:01:57.080 start always saying I feel really blessed that we have 0:01:57.120 --> 0:02:01.280 such wonderful kids, and then we're you know, through the 0:02:01.320 --> 0:02:03.840 other side of it. I mean, our youngest is seventeen, 0:02:04.320 --> 0:02:08.000 which she'll be eighteen in a few months, and you know, 0:02:08.880 --> 0:02:11.400 parenting's hard. It's really hard. 0:02:12.320 --> 0:02:17.840 Yeah, you were just twenty one years old when you 0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:19.560 had a baby. 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:22.880 Yeah, I was a baby having a baby, that is I. 0:02:22.840 --> 0:02:26.080 Mean we didn't really understand back then how young that 0:02:26.320 --> 0:02:28.280 was to become a parent. But now looking back and 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:30.440 seeing our own twenty one year old, can you imagine 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:31.360 her having a daughter? 0:02:31.440 --> 0:02:34.440 Like, no, how did that? I pray every day, I'm like, please, 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:37.240 don't I don't have a baby, y, I know, because 0:02:37.400 --> 0:02:39.880 you know, you need had a little bit of wisdom 0:02:39.919 --> 0:02:43.360 and a little bit of knowledge at that age. At 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:46.400 twenty one, you were a year older, so you weren't 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:48.840 that much older twenty two, but you had you've been 0:02:48.840 --> 0:02:51.280 working since you were fifteen in the business. So you know, 0:02:51.360 --> 0:02:55.040 I literally just landed in La I moved here, and 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:58.880 six months later I was having a baby. So you know, 0:02:59.240 --> 0:03:04.480 that was that was that wasn't planned obviously. Uh. But uh, 0:03:04.880 --> 0:03:08.200 you know, we we we lasted a long time and 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:12.280 we did for for Hollywood years and uh and we 0:03:12.280 --> 0:03:13.799 we yeah, here we are. 0:03:13.840 --> 0:03:14.640 We had a good run. 0:03:14.840 --> 0:03:17.440 We had a we had a very good run. And 0:03:17.600 --> 0:03:20.600 uh and even when we were apart, you know, we 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:23.120 had to we had to work together a lot of 0:03:23.120 --> 0:03:26.400 times at a lot of times. It wasn't easy. Uh, 0:03:26.600 --> 0:03:29.040 you know, for either one of us. I think I 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:32.000 think that really stems, you know, looking back on it, 0:03:32.040 --> 0:03:37.440 is I felt like we were two parents that cared 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:41.600 a lot, and so whatever friction came up was because 0:03:41.680 --> 0:03:45.040 we really did care about the about our children. You know, 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:47.560 there's some parents that they're just like, I don't care. 0:03:47.600 --> 0:03:48.920 You know, you deal with it, or I don't care. 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:51.160 I'll deal with it, and they're busy. But we both 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:57.280 really you know, cared passionately about our kids and really 0:03:57.520 --> 0:04:01.040 wanted the best for them, and sometimes, you know, our 0:04:01.080 --> 0:04:05.760 ideologies would would not mesh. But somehow we worked it 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:11.160 out and we have really good kids. Yeah. Whatever we did, 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:16.200 whether it was right or wrong, like, they grew up 0:04:16.240 --> 0:04:19.240 to be wonderful kids. Yeah, and I feel very fortunate. 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:19.839 I know. 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:23.320 Let's just go back to the beginning, though, because when 0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:29.600 when we first decided to break up, you know, separate 0:04:30.120 --> 0:04:34.840 the divorce everything, we settled on shared custody. I think 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:37.560 that you know, a lot of the listeners out there 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:42.360 are either they're going through a divorce with kids and 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:45.520 entering into the next step of co parenting with their ex, 0:04:46.240 --> 0:04:48.200 or you know, people just want to know how to 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:50.520 handle this situation because you don't ever really think when 0:04:50.560 --> 0:04:53.760 you get together, when you first start a relationship with somebody, 0:04:53.800 --> 0:04:55.839 who don't think about what are we going to do 0:04:55.880 --> 0:04:58.160 if this doesn't work out? Like how am I going 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:03.880 to co parent with the person? So we settled on 0:05:03.960 --> 0:05:09.720 shared custody fifty to fifty. I know, for me, there 0:05:09.720 --> 0:05:15.159 were times when I really emotionally regretted that decision or 0:05:15.160 --> 0:05:18.120 not fighting harder for more, But at the same time, 0:05:18.160 --> 0:05:22.680 I knew that having them be fifty percent of their 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:27.000 time with you their father was absolutely the best thing 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:33.560 for them. And whatever I was dealing with, you know, 0:05:34.440 --> 0:05:37.000 that part of me that wanted to have them more 0:05:37.400 --> 0:05:41.440 was just me being selfish and thinking about myself because 0:05:41.440 --> 0:05:44.800 it hurt so bad when they would leave. How was 0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:50.280 it for you when that fifty to fifty deal came up? 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:52.919 I mean it was I mean it was always hard. 0:05:53.120 --> 0:05:56.960 I think listen. Co parenting is hard, Divorce is hard. 0:05:56.960 --> 0:05:59.040 I didn't have a model for it. My parents were. 0:06:00.000 --> 0:06:00.600 We were flying. 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:07.320 Yeah, so I mean married to twenty one, we were 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:08.720 together what ten years? 0:06:08.760 --> 0:06:10.679 Eleven years I think married. 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:14.440 I mean we were together for five then we got 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:20.440 married after five. Luca was you know, was our flower girl, 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:23.760 So that's ten five and then I think she was 0:06:23.800 --> 0:06:24.280 like twelve. 0:06:24.400 --> 0:06:27.640 We were married in two thousand and one, divorced in 0:06:27.680 --> 0:06:29.560 twenty twelve, so that's. 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:33.159 Like eleven years plus plus five fifteen sixteen years. That's 0:06:33.200 --> 0:06:36.480 that's a long run. And we had three kids, and 0:06:37.560 --> 0:06:40.919 you know, it broke my heart to break up a family, 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:44.080 you know, And it was one of those decisions that 0:06:44.240 --> 0:06:47.080 was like you never know if you're making the right decision. 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:52.599 But you know, we made the decision, and then it 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:56.240 was all about trying to find a balance and picking 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:58.120 up the kids and knowing that they were going to 0:06:58.200 --> 0:07:00.480 miss you for the week and then dropping off knowing 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:01.960 they were going to miss me for a week. Is 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:05.280 it's it's hard. I think they were young. They were 0:07:05.320 --> 0:07:09.440 well there were Luca was twelve or thirteen, and Lola 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:12.520 was like eight or nine. Six No, I think she 0:07:12.600 --> 0:07:16.000 was like eighty eight or because she was sick when 0:07:16.000 --> 0:07:17.200 she was six, remember. 0:07:17.640 --> 0:07:20.000 And Fiona must have been like she was like four. 0:07:20.320 --> 0:07:25.800 Yeah, so you know, not easy at all. Yeah, certainly 0:07:26.080 --> 0:07:28.520 I wish I had, you know, I wish I could 0:07:28.600 --> 0:07:30.680 look back and say, here's the way to do it, 0:07:30.880 --> 0:07:33.960 But I still don't know like the best way. If 0:07:34.160 --> 0:07:36.600 if it was like, should we have done two weeks apart, 0:07:36.680 --> 0:07:39.840 but then that feels even longer. I know, sometimes we 0:07:39.960 --> 0:07:42.120 try that, you know, in the summers, we'd be like, well, 0:07:42.120 --> 0:07:44.680 maybe two weeks with you, two weeks with me, and 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:48.720 that would be you know, too long, and so I 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:52.240 don't know, Look, it's a tough thing. I also felt like, 0:07:53.560 --> 0:07:55.360 you know, for the kids, they'd always like pack a 0:07:55.360 --> 0:07:57.600 bag and come to my house and then pack a 0:07:57.600 --> 0:07:59.400 bag and then go to your house. And I always 0:07:59.400 --> 0:08:03.280 felt like they were like, uh, I feel like they 0:08:03.280 --> 0:08:06.840 were visiting me and maybe choosing a home, like your 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:10.280 house is like the home house, and you know, there's 0:08:10.320 --> 0:08:13.080 a lot of feelings of like, well is my house 0:08:13.160 --> 0:08:14.880 the house they come visit? Is your house to come 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:18.840 the house they visit? You know, like where is their home? Uh? 0:08:19.040 --> 0:08:22.280 Some some parents will get what they call nesting and 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:25.800 they'll get one house and the parents, you know, move 0:08:26.520 --> 0:08:29.960 back and forth. And we talked about that, I think 0:08:30.000 --> 0:08:34.600 for a split second. But you know then you're it's 0:08:34.600 --> 0:08:36.880 it's hard. You're you know, you break up with somebody, 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:39.880 you're not a relationship with them, and you still have 0:08:39.920 --> 0:08:41.640 to see them all the time. You still have to 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:46.080 you know, work with them. You're you're you know, you're 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:50.240 you're making decisions together and and and that's not always easy, 0:08:50.320 --> 0:08:54.920 especially when you know sometimes the decisions aren't something you 0:08:54.960 --> 0:08:57.360 know that that you both agree on, you know, And 0:08:57.480 --> 0:08:59.360 I think that was that was hard on both of 0:08:59.400 --> 0:09:02.199 us because then where's the compromise, you know, like how 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:05.200 do you compromise? And in some way we found our 0:09:05.200 --> 0:09:08.240 way through it, and it wasn't always fun. It wasn't 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:12.079 always pleasant, but like I said that, our kids are 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:14.240 you know, on the other side of it, our kids 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:17.520 turned out really wonderful, and I feel like they needed 0:09:17.880 --> 0:09:21.280 both of us. You know, they really did a benefit 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:23.640 from having both of us. And I always felt that 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:27.040 like if you're if the parents are okay, then the 0:09:27.160 --> 0:09:31.360 kids will be okay. You know. So like like when 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:34.360 if we were had tension, I feel like the kids 0:09:34.360 --> 0:09:36.360 felt it. So I was always trying to keep that 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:40.400 away from them. You know. It wasn't always successful, but 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:44.960 like when we're in agreement, that always felt like, you know, 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:47.880 even if they weren't in agreement with our decision, there 0:09:47.920 --> 0:09:49.719 was a there was a power dynamic that mom and 0:09:49.840 --> 0:09:53.200 dad are coming together on this issue. That that was 0:09:53.320 --> 0:09:57.640 that felt you know, unified and felt good. You know. 0:09:58.400 --> 0:10:01.520 Do you recall any times when the girls pitted us 0:10:01.559 --> 0:10:02.440 against one another? 0:10:03.880 --> 0:10:07.880 I mean I recall, like with our youngest when there 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:10.720 were times when we were both unified and something. We 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:13.440 both sat down with her and she was like she 0:10:13.520 --> 0:10:15.959 hated that. She was like, this isn't how it works, 0:10:15.960 --> 0:10:18.560 because she liked being able to kind of pit us 0:10:18.600 --> 0:10:21.360 against each other where you know in some ways she'll 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:24.920 still do it now in some ways where she'll you know, 0:10:25.559 --> 0:10:28.640 come to my house and it'll be great, and then 0:10:28.679 --> 0:10:32.360 I'll hear from like our middle daughter Lola, that she'll 0:10:32.360 --> 0:10:34.760 say something like, oh, well, she said she was kind 0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:36.959 of sad and depressed, and I'm like, why would she 0:10:37.000 --> 0:10:38.839 say that? We had a great week together? And then 0:10:38.880 --> 0:10:41.200 you'll hear she was kind of sad and depressed, but 0:10:41.240 --> 0:10:42.679 it's really because she wanted to go to a party, 0:10:42.679 --> 0:10:44.720 and she's kind of playing you, you know, to go 0:10:44.720 --> 0:10:45.360 to this party. 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:48.160 I think a lot more than yeah. 0:10:48.280 --> 0:10:52.600 Yeah. So you know, it's hard because it's like they do, 0:10:52.720 --> 0:10:56.679 they do play play us against each other. And I 0:10:56.720 --> 0:10:59.240 think that where we could have done better or I 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:02.680 could have done better, probably is communicating more, you know, 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:06.800 because we spend a lot of time texting back and forth, 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:09.520 and the textings. 0:11:08.960 --> 0:11:10.080 So many texts. 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:13.200 Was like, you know, there's a key and Peel skit. 0:11:13.240 --> 0:11:14.560 I don't know if you ever saw it, but like 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:18.000 you know, in the skit, they'll be like, hey, I'm 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:19.920 coming over and the other person will be like whatever, 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:22.000 and I'll be like whatever. 0:11:21.800 --> 0:11:24.640 Oh yes, yes, And so you can really read it, 0:11:24.720 --> 0:11:25.320 really can. 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:28.360 Read into he didn't put a period there? Or why 0:11:28.400 --> 0:11:31.319 is it? And caps when my phone just like, really. 0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:35.240 I know how you talk so well, like I understand 0:11:35.240 --> 0:11:37.400 our kidence together and even our sense of humor. So 0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:40.920 I hear you when I read the text most of 0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:41.640 the times. 0:11:42.160 --> 0:11:44.920 But I think that's dangerous too though, sometimes because sometimes 0:11:45.000 --> 0:11:47.600 I might be meaning it a completely different way, and 0:11:47.640 --> 0:11:51.880 you too, like and I think, listen, we haven't really 0:11:51.920 --> 0:11:56.160 spoken a lot about life about stuff in years, so 0:11:56.800 --> 0:12:00.520 I honestly don't know me. I don't know, and I 0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:03.120 don't think you know me. And yet it's like when 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:07.520 you go home and you're with like your mom or 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:10.360 your dad or you know, your your sisters, and they 0:12:10.440 --> 0:12:13.320 just treat you like you're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, like you 0:12:13.360 --> 0:12:16.320 know the time they saw you last, when you were younger, 0:12:16.440 --> 0:12:20.160 And so there's this feeling of like, oh, I know 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:22.840 her because we were together for so long, but you've 0:12:22.880 --> 0:12:28.160 grown into this mature, wonderful adult woman and I've grown 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:31.000 and so you know, but when we look at each other, 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:32.480 we still look at each other like the twenty one, 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:35.200 twenty two year old version of each other. So like 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:39.600 that becomes dangerous, you know, because we're always kind of 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:41.880 reading into things or looking at things, and I think 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:44.880 that if we were, you know, And it's hard because 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:48.000 there's a lot of well, if I get into if 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:49.440 I jump on the phone, I don't want to get 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:50.839 into an argument. I don't want to it the room 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:52.840 my day. I don't want to. So you end up 0:12:53.240 --> 0:12:56.440 texting back and forth thinking that you're, you know, trying 0:12:56.440 --> 0:12:58.440 not to get but then you end up arguing back 0:12:58.440 --> 0:13:00.880 and forth on a text. There's a lot of wasted 0:13:00.920 --> 0:13:01.600 time and energy. 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:05.640 We wasted so much time trying to prove our points 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:09.360 to one another, and I think one must regret that. 0:13:09.240 --> 0:13:12.840 When we when we got together and we ever talked 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:15.960 it through, it was like, oh, she's not really attacking me. 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:16.400 You know. 0:13:17.160 --> 0:13:19.959 I want to ask you just because this is a 0:13:20.080 --> 0:13:23.760 huge deal when you break up with your family and 0:13:23.840 --> 0:13:26.560 then you have the kids every other week, and our 0:13:26.640 --> 0:13:29.440 kids were little, so they it was full time. I 0:13:29.480 --> 0:13:32.880 remember we lived up north at that time. I had 0:13:33.440 --> 0:13:35.720 moved up there because you were traveling a lot for work, 0:13:36.400 --> 0:13:40.079 and you had to actually rent a house up there 0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:43.160 for your off weeks. Do you remember that. 0:13:44.160 --> 0:13:45.160 I don't even remember that. 0:13:45.280 --> 0:13:48.559 You don't remember renting that house up that beautiful house 0:13:48.640 --> 0:13:51.800 with the view, and you literally never stayed in it. 0:13:51.920 --> 0:13:54.400 Probably why I don't remember it, because the girls didn't 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:55.120 want to go to it. 0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:56.840 I don't remember it. 0:13:57.000 --> 0:13:58.240 Oh my god, I remember. 0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:00.800 I think I remember what I remember. We had an 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:04.839 r V and so I spent I would. I would 0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:06.600 stay in the r V when I went up there. 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:08.520 I don't remember a house. 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:11.760 I remember the RV. That's where we broke up. Yeah, 0:14:11.840 --> 0:14:15.120 that's the RV's where you told me it was over. 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:16.760 I think in the r V. 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:20.560 In the RV, that's why we sold that RV. Well, yeah, 0:14:21.840 --> 0:14:26.520 for me, glad you don't remember. But how did you, like, 0:14:26.960 --> 0:14:29.800 because you were in pain and healing in your own 0:14:29.880 --> 0:14:32.520 way from a breakup, how did you do that when 0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:35.280 you with the kids, when you had the kids or 0:14:35.280 --> 0:14:35.760 when you didn't. 0:14:35.920 --> 0:14:38.960 I mean I when I had the kids, I just 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:41.080 made it about them, right, you know? And I think 0:14:41.120 --> 0:14:43.680 that's was me trying to shield it from them, like 0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:47.320 I'm okay, you know what I mean? Because look, I 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:52.080 think that there's no manual for for for parenting, you 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:53.640 know what I mean? And that's it's really hard you 0:14:53.880 --> 0:14:55.440 get you have a kid. I'm twenty one years old 0:14:55.480 --> 0:14:56.960 and you're like, well, what do I do? You know, 0:14:57.080 --> 0:14:59.160 so you just look at what like your parents did. 0:14:59.200 --> 0:15:01.800 And like my my mom, I never knew if she 0:15:01.880 --> 0:15:04.480 was happy or sad or you know, she didn't really 0:15:04.480 --> 0:15:08.880 show her emotions. She kind of just made it about me, 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:11.040 you know what I mean, like how was my day? 0:15:11.080 --> 0:15:14.120 And so she was always like a rock. And so 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:16.760 I kind of tried to model that for the kids. 0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:19.920 And you're more of like, hey, it's okay for the 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:22.760 kids to see emotions, yeah, show you know, And I 0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:26.040 think that's part of your upbringing. So like that's I. 0:15:25.960 --> 0:15:28.840 Think one of the biggest differences in our parenting styles. 0:15:29.320 --> 0:15:32.600 And I knew that early on. I remember going to 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:37.440 your house in Queens and Noni Bruna your mom. I 0:15:37.480 --> 0:15:40.960 remember it was so much energy, the Italian dinners in 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:42.680 the family, and I was not used to that. I 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:45.920 come from a really quiet family, and I remember just 0:15:45.960 --> 0:15:49.200 being over. I was pregnant also so feeling those like 0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:51.600 we weren't married and it was in this Catholic home, 0:15:51.760 --> 0:15:54.280 like the illegitimate baby mama, like it felt very weird. 0:15:54.360 --> 0:15:56.240 So I remember there was one point when I just 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:59.080 couldn't hold it anymore. My emotions came out, and I 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:01.560 remember NONI come back to the girls room where we 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:04.320 would stay, and she was like, it's okay, don't cry. 0:16:04.400 --> 0:16:07.000 Don't cry, like she said, don't cry, don't cry, And 0:16:07.040 --> 0:16:08.800 for me, I was like, what do you mean don't cry? 0:16:08.840 --> 0:16:11.400 Like I have to cry to get this out. So 0:16:11.520 --> 0:16:14.600 you're like that difference in our upbringing was so apparent, 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:18.320 and it really did cross over into our parenting styles 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:22.280 because you are much more what's the word, when you're 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:24.920 not as emotional, not that you're not emotional, but like 0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:25.640 you're much more. 0:16:26.560 --> 0:16:29.000 I try to stay stronger so that my whatever I'm 0:16:29.000 --> 0:16:32.480 going through doesn't affect them. And so when they came 0:16:32.520 --> 0:16:35.840 over to the house, it was more about how they're feeling, 0:16:35.920 --> 0:16:37.280 you know what I mean. So it wasn't like I 0:16:37.320 --> 0:16:39.560 was suppressing their feelings. It was more of me not 0:16:40.040 --> 0:16:43.480 you know, showing them how happy, you know, sad about 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:44.680 them not being there. 0:16:45.320 --> 0:16:48.400 I really tried to do that. You know, you you. 0:16:48.480 --> 0:16:52.080 Always yeah, but it's your you know how you were raised, 0:16:52.120 --> 0:16:53.920 you know what I mean. I think that, like I said, 0:16:53.960 --> 0:16:56.920 they kind of benefited from both. You know. They looked 0:16:56.920 --> 0:16:58.800 at it and it was like it's okay to express 0:16:58.840 --> 0:17:01.240 emotions and it's okay to be wrong, you know. I 0:17:01.280 --> 0:17:05.440 mean we had also I felt like sometimes we differed 0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:09.840 in and like parenting in the sense that, you know, 0:17:10.320 --> 0:17:14.320 when I saw the kids uncomfortable about something, I looked 0:17:14.320 --> 0:17:17.080 at it as an opportunity for them to grow through it, right, 0:17:17.320 --> 0:17:19.320 And you still do. We still deal with this because 0:17:19.359 --> 0:17:22.040 you hate when they're uncomfortable. You just want to make 0:17:22.080 --> 0:17:24.240 them feel good all the time and hug them and 0:17:24.280 --> 0:17:27.399 love them. And that's a beautiful trait. And and so 0:17:27.440 --> 0:17:29.480 we would clash on that because I'm like, you know, 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:32.600 when we were together, I remember it was a little 0:17:32.640 --> 0:17:36.119 easier because, like, you know, we're trying to it's just 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:38.600 easy when you're together and you're just supporting each other. 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:42.040 And there were times when our youngest, our oldest, Luca, 0:17:42.440 --> 0:17:45.080 you know, it's five, and you say she's not making 0:17:45.119 --> 0:17:46.960 any friends. You got to go help her make friends. 0:17:47.680 --> 0:17:49.520 I go over. I'd be like, hey, this is Luca Belli. 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:51.879 You know you need to you should be friends with her. 0:17:51.920 --> 0:17:53.919 And so and then as she got older, it was 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:56.680 like she didn't develop the skill set to like make 0:17:56.760 --> 0:17:58.639 friends because I was the one making friends for us. 0:17:58.640 --> 0:18:02.080 So like you know, when I was younger, it was 0:18:02.240 --> 0:18:05.280 more of an approach of with my parents of like 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:09.359 letting me fall and then you know, letting me get 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:11.520 up and if they needed me, you know, if they 0:18:11.600 --> 0:18:13.600 if I really needed them, they were there. But they 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:16.720 let me, you know, grow through things, you know what 0:18:16.760 --> 0:18:20.200 I mean. And you had a mom and dad who 0:18:20.359 --> 0:18:22.639 just there all the time celebrating you, and like, I 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:25.840 always loved it. I think we had two extremes, you know, 0:18:26.359 --> 0:18:29.760 our upbringings. Our brains were like I could have used 0:18:29.800 --> 0:18:33.200 a little bit of more of the parent to love nursing. 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:35.919 And like, you know, I had my first job. I 0:18:35.960 --> 0:18:37.679 was twelve years old. I was a paper boy. I 0:18:37.720 --> 0:18:40.760 was like delivering papers to the neighborhood and I worked 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:42.520 seven days a week, you know what I mean. So 0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:45.639 like having a job is what I knew at an 0:18:45.640 --> 0:18:47.840 early age. I wanted to instill let my kids and like, 0:18:48.520 --> 0:18:51.720 you know, if they were uncomfortable out things, and you 0:18:51.720 --> 0:18:53.119 would call me and be like, well, so and so 0:18:53.320 --> 0:18:55.880 is bothering them at school, and I'd be like, let's 0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:58.679 give them tools to like, you know, get through it. 0:18:58.720 --> 0:19:03.080 And you're you know, it's not something wrong, it's just 0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:07.479 your ideology is more like, let's let's fix it for them, 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:11.480 Let's help them, you know, in the sense of making 0:19:11.600 --> 0:19:15.919 this space comfortable for them so they can grow, you know. 0:19:16.720 --> 0:19:19.040 So I think we still deal with that sometimes, you know. 0:19:19.080 --> 0:19:23.760 But again I think that there's two having the two 0:19:23.880 --> 0:19:29.639 parenting styles somehow works because we have such incredible children. 0:19:36.960 --> 0:19:40.520 What does co parenting mean to you, like in general? 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:42.840 Like, I mean, it's tough. 0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:43.800 What does it take? 0:19:43.920 --> 0:19:51.640 Yeah, it takes. It takes patience, It takes it takes 0:19:51.680 --> 0:19:54.920 a lot of and again we could have been better 0:19:54.960 --> 0:19:56.959 at it, and I still try to be better at it. 0:19:57.720 --> 0:20:00.200 A lot of trying to understand where the other it's 0:20:00.240 --> 0:20:03.360 coming from, because I think when we had a passion 0:20:03.440 --> 0:20:07.040 for something, you know, about something our kids were going through, 0:20:07.680 --> 0:20:12.879 and we understood, you know, where you were coming from 0:20:12.920 --> 0:20:14.960 and where I was coming from, even if we didn't 0:20:15.000 --> 0:20:19.439 agree on the you know, end result of it, there 0:20:19.480 --> 0:20:22.320 was a compassion there that that I think helped us 0:20:22.480 --> 0:20:26.280 through it, you know what I mean. So it takes compassion, 0:20:26.520 --> 0:20:31.040 it takes understanding, it takes I think also when you're divorced, 0:20:31.960 --> 0:20:34.920 there's a feeling of am I a good parent? Maybe 0:20:34.920 --> 0:20:37.360 the other person's a better parent, and it flips flops. 0:20:37.400 --> 0:20:40.359 I feel like you feel that way too, I'm not wrong, 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:43.359 like and wanting to the other parent of go, hey, 0:20:43.520 --> 0:20:46.080 I'm a good parent too, and so you're always trying 0:20:46.119 --> 0:20:49.000 to prove to the other parent, know I'm I'm Yeah. 0:20:49.000 --> 0:20:51.399 There was a lot of that for us, because I 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:53.359 would send them to you and I would think they 0:20:53.359 --> 0:20:55.560 weren't being taken care of well enough or to my 0:20:55.640 --> 0:21:00.480 standards or whatever it was. But then just I would 0:21:00.560 --> 0:21:02.840 have to step back from that because like you were 0:21:02.880 --> 0:21:05.840 doing the best you could and giving them all the 0:21:05.880 --> 0:21:07.120 things that you knew to give them. 0:21:07.359 --> 0:21:09.520