Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the I Choose Me Podcast. This podcast is
Speaker 1: all about the choices we make and where they lead us.
Speaker 1: Sometimes life brings you scenarios that we never anticipate, like
Speaker 1: co parenting after a divorce. When you become a parent,
Speaker 1: you don't think how will I approach parenting if my
Speaker 1: relationship falls apart. You only start to think about co
Speaker 1: parenting when you are forced to because it's now your
Speaker 1: new reality. Co Parenting can be really frustrating, and it
Speaker 1: can leave you feeling lonely and defeated. But on the
Speaker 1: other hand, it can be collaborative and rewarding if everyone
Speaker 1: is working together. Today I am joined by someone whom
Speaker 1: I was married to. He's the father of my three
Speaker 1: girls and someone I will be co parenting with for
Speaker 1: the rest of my life. We have never sat down
Speaker 1: together and talked about our divorce or our journey to
Speaker 1: co parenting. So maybe I'm a little nervous and I'm
Speaker 1: kind of excited about this conversation. Welcome Peter Facchinelli to
Speaker 1: the I Choose Me Podcast. This is wild you here?
Speaker 2: Yeah. In the I Choose Therapy, A therapy session if
Speaker 2: it does.
Speaker 1: Now that you bring it on this couch, starting to
Speaker 1: get a little sweaty under my pitt. Yeah, this is
Speaker 1: wild because we haven't really sat down and had a conversation.
Speaker 1: It's certainly not a public conversation about anything, you know,
Speaker 1: regarding our marriage or divorce or co parenting. So this
Speaker 1: is Yeah, this is a very big step for us.
Speaker 2: I think it'll be good. Let's just say this. Uh,
Speaker 2: start always saying I feel really blessed that we have
Speaker 2: such wonderful kids, and then we're you know, through the
Speaker 2: other side of it. I mean, our youngest is seventeen,
Speaker 2: which she'll be eighteen in a few months, and you know,
Speaker 2: parenting's hard. It's really hard.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you were just twenty one years old when you
Speaker 1: had a baby.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was a baby having a baby, that is I.
Speaker 1: Mean we didn't really understand back then how young that
Speaker 1: was to become a parent. But now looking back and
Speaker 1: seeing our own twenty one year old, can you imagine
Speaker 1: her having a daughter?
Speaker 2: Like, no, how did that? I pray every day, I'm like, please,
Speaker 2: don't I don't have a baby, y, I know, because
Speaker 2: you know, you need had a little bit of wisdom
Speaker 2: and a little bit of knowledge at that age. At
Speaker 2: twenty one, you were a year older, so you weren't
Speaker 2: that much older twenty two, but you had you've been
Speaker 2: working since you were fifteen in the business. So you know,
Speaker 2: I literally just landed in La I moved here, and
Speaker 2: six months later I was having a baby. So you know,
Speaker 2: that was that was that wasn't planned obviously. Uh. But uh,
Speaker 2: you know, we we we lasted a long time and
Speaker 2: we did for for Hollywood years and uh and we
Speaker 2: we yeah, here we are.
Speaker 1: We had a good run.
Speaker 2: We had a we had a very good run. And
Speaker 2: uh and even when we were apart, you know, we
Speaker 2: had to we had to work together a lot of
Speaker 2: times at a lot of times. It wasn't easy. Uh,
Speaker 2: you know, for either one of us. I think I
Speaker 2: think that really stems, you know, looking back on it,
Speaker 2: is I felt like we were two parents that cared
Speaker 2: a lot, and so whatever friction came up was because
Speaker 2: we really did care about the about our children. You know,
Speaker 2: there's some parents that they're just like, I don't care.
Speaker 2: You know, you deal with it, or I don't care.
Speaker 2: I'll deal with it, and they're busy. But we both
Speaker 2: really you know, cared passionately about our kids and really
Speaker 2: wanted the best for them, and sometimes, you know, our
Speaker 2: ideologies would would not mesh. But somehow we worked it
Speaker 2: out and we have really good kids. Yeah. Whatever we did,
Speaker 2: whether it was right or wrong, like, they grew up
Speaker 2: to be wonderful kids. Yeah, and I feel very fortunate.
Speaker 2: I know.
Speaker 1: Let's just go back to the beginning, though, because when
Speaker 1: when we first decided to break up, you know, separate
Speaker 1: the divorce everything, we settled on shared custody. I think
Speaker 1: that you know, a lot of the listeners out there
Speaker 1: are either they're going through a divorce with kids and
Speaker 1: entering into the next step of co parenting with their ex,
Speaker 1: or you know, people just want to know how to
Speaker 1: handle this situation because you don't ever really think when
Speaker 1: you get together, when you first start a relationship with somebody,
Speaker 1: who don't think about what are we going to do
Speaker 1: if this doesn't work out? Like how am I going
Speaker 1: to co parent with the person? So we settled on
Speaker 1: shared custody fifty to fifty. I know, for me, there
Speaker 1: were times when I really emotionally regretted that decision or
Speaker 1: not fighting harder for more, But at the same time,
Speaker 1: I knew that having them be fifty percent of their
Speaker 1: time with you their father was absolutely the best thing
Speaker 1: for them. And whatever I was dealing with, you know,
Speaker 1: that part of me that wanted to have them more
Speaker 1: was just me being selfish and thinking about myself because
Speaker 1: it hurt so bad when they would leave. How was
Speaker 1: it for you when that fifty to fifty deal came up?
Speaker 2: I mean it was I mean it was always hard.
Speaker 2: I think listen. Co parenting is hard, Divorce is hard.
Speaker 2: I didn't have a model for it. My parents were.
Speaker 1: We were flying.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I mean married to twenty one, we were
Speaker 2: together what ten years?
Speaker 1: Eleven years I think married.
Speaker 2: I mean we were together for five then we got
Speaker 2: married after five. Luca was you know, was our flower girl,
Speaker 2: So that's ten five and then I think she was
Speaker 2: like twelve.
Speaker 1: We were married in two thousand and one, divorced in
Speaker 1: twenty twelve, so that's.
Speaker 2: Like eleven years plus plus five fifteen sixteen years. That's
Speaker 2: that's a long run. And we had three kids, and
Speaker 2: you know, it broke my heart to break up a family,
Speaker 2: you know, And it was one of those decisions that
Speaker 2: was like you never know if you're making the right decision.
Speaker 2: But you know, we made the decision, and then it
Speaker 2: was all about trying to find a balance and picking
Speaker 2: up the kids and knowing that they were going to
Speaker 2: miss you for the week and then dropping off knowing
Speaker 2: they were going to miss me for a week. Is
Speaker 2: it's it's hard. I think they were young. They were
Speaker 2: well there were Luca was twelve or thirteen, and Lola
Speaker 2: was like eight or nine. Six No, I think she
Speaker 2: was like eighty eight or because she was sick when
Speaker 2: she was six, remember.
Speaker 1: And Fiona must have been like she was like four.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you know, not easy at all. Yeah, certainly
Speaker 2: I wish I had, you know, I wish I could
Speaker 2: look back and say, here's the way to do it,
Speaker 2: But I still don't know like the best way. If
Speaker 2: if it was like, should we have done two weeks apart,
Speaker 2: but then that feels even longer. I know, sometimes we
Speaker 2: try that, you know, in the summers, we'd be like, well,
Speaker 2: maybe two weeks with you, two weeks with me, and
Speaker 2: that would be you know, too long, and so I
Speaker 2: don't know, Look, it's a tough thing. I also felt like,
Speaker 2: you know, for the kids, they'd always like pack a
Speaker 2: bag and come to my house and then pack a
Speaker 2: bag and then go to your house. And I always
Speaker 2: felt like they were like, uh, I feel like they
Speaker 2: were visiting me and maybe choosing a home, like your
Speaker 2: house is like the home house, and you know, there's
Speaker 2: a lot of feelings of like, well is my house
Speaker 2: the house they come visit? Is your house to come
Speaker 2: the house they visit? You know, like where is their home? Uh?
Speaker 2: Some some parents will get what they call nesting and
Speaker 2: they'll get one house and the parents, you know, move
Speaker 2: back and forth. And we talked about that, I think
Speaker 2: for a split second. But you know then you're it's
Speaker 2: it's hard. You're you know, you break up with somebody,
Speaker 2: you're not a relationship with them, and you still have
Speaker 2: to see them all the time. You still have to
Speaker 2: you know, work with them. You're you're you know, you're
Speaker 2: you're making decisions together and and and that's not always easy,
Speaker 2: especially when you know sometimes the decisions aren't something you
Speaker 2: know that that you both agree on, you know, And
Speaker 2: I think that was that was hard on both of
Speaker 2: us because then where's the compromise, you know, like how
Speaker 2: do you compromise? And in some way we found our
Speaker 2: way through it, and it wasn't always fun. It wasn't
Speaker 2: always pleasant, but like I said that, our kids are
Speaker 2: you know, on the other side of it, our kids
Speaker 2: turned out really wonderful, and I feel like they needed
Speaker 2: both of us. You know, they really did a benefit
Speaker 2: from having both of us. And I always felt that
Speaker 2: like if you're if the parents are okay, then the
Speaker 2: kids will be okay. You know. So like like when
Speaker 2: if we were had tension, I feel like the kids
Speaker 2: felt it. So I was always trying to keep that
Speaker 2: away from them. You know. It wasn't always successful, but
Speaker 2: like when we're in agreement, that always felt like, you know,
Speaker 2: even if they weren't in agreement with our decision, there
Speaker 2: was a there was a power dynamic that mom and
Speaker 2: dad are coming together on this issue. That that was
Speaker 2: that felt you know, unified and felt good. You know.
Speaker 1: Do you recall any times when the girls pitted us
Speaker 1: against one another?
Speaker 2: I mean I recall, like with our youngest when there
Speaker 2: were times when we were both unified and something. We
Speaker 2: both sat down with her and she was like she
Speaker 2: hated that. She was like, this isn't how it works,
Speaker 2: because she liked being able to kind of pit us
Speaker 2: against each other where you know in some ways she'll
Speaker 2: still do it now in some ways where she'll you know,
Speaker 2: come to my house and it'll be great, and then
Speaker 2: I'll hear from like our middle daughter Lola, that she'll
Speaker 2: say something like, oh, well, she said she was kind
Speaker 2: of sad and depressed, and I'm like, why would she
Speaker 2: say that? We had a great week together? And then
Speaker 2: you'll hear she was kind of sad and depressed, but
Speaker 2: it's really because she wanted to go to a party,
Speaker 2: and she's kind of playing you, you know, to go
Speaker 2: to this party.
Speaker 1: I think a lot more than yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So you know, it's hard because it's like they do,
Speaker 2: they do play play us against each other. And I
Speaker 2: think that where we could have done better or I
Speaker 2: could have done better, probably is communicating more, you know,
Speaker 2: because we spend a lot of time texting back and forth,
Speaker 2: and the textings.
Speaker 1: So many texts.
Speaker 2: Was like, you know, there's a key and Peel skit.
Speaker 2: I don't know if you ever saw it, but like
Speaker 2: you know, in the skit, they'll be like, hey, I'm
Speaker 2: coming over and the other person will be like whatever,
Speaker 2: and I'll be like whatever.
Speaker 1: Oh yes, yes, And so you can really read it,
Speaker 1: really can.
Speaker 2: Read into he didn't put a period there? Or why
Speaker 2: is it? And caps when my phone just like, really.
Speaker 1: I know how you talk so well, like I understand
Speaker 1: our kidence together and even our sense of humor. So
Speaker 1: I hear you when I read the text most of
Speaker 1: the times.
Speaker 2: But I think that's dangerous too though, sometimes because sometimes
Speaker 2: I might be meaning it a completely different way, and
Speaker 2: you too, like and I think, listen, we haven't really
Speaker 2: spoken a lot about life about stuff in years, so
Speaker 2: I honestly don't know me. I don't know, and I
Speaker 2: don't think you know me. And yet it's like when
Speaker 2: you go home and you're with like your mom or
Speaker 2: your dad or you know, your your sisters, and they
Speaker 2: just treat you like you're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, like you
Speaker 2: know the time they saw you last, when you were younger,
Speaker 2: And so there's this feeling of like, oh, I know
Speaker 2: her because we were together for so long, but you've
Speaker 2: grown into this mature, wonderful adult woman and I've grown
Speaker 2: and so you know, but when we look at each other,
Speaker 2: we still look at each other like the twenty one,
Speaker 2: twenty two year old version of each other. So like
Speaker 2: that becomes dangerous, you know, because we're always kind of
Speaker 2: reading into things or looking at things, and I think
Speaker 2: that if we were, you know, And it's hard because
Speaker 2: there's a lot of well, if I get into if
Speaker 2: I jump on the phone, I don't want to get
Speaker 2: into an argument. I don't want to it the room
Speaker 2: my day. I don't want to. So you end up
Speaker 2: texting back and forth thinking that you're, you know, trying
Speaker 2: not to get but then you end up arguing back
Speaker 2: and forth on a text. There's a lot of wasted
Speaker 2: time and energy.
Speaker 1: We wasted so much time trying to prove our points
Speaker 1: to one another, and I think one must regret that.
Speaker 2: When we when we got together and we ever talked
Speaker 2: it through, it was like, oh, she's not really attacking me.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: I want to ask you just because this is a
Speaker 1: huge deal when you break up with your family and
Speaker 1: then you have the kids every other week, and our
Speaker 1: kids were little, so they it was full time. I
Speaker 1: remember we lived up north at that time. I had
Speaker 1: moved up there because you were traveling a lot for work,
Speaker 1: and you had to actually rent a house up there
Speaker 1: for your off weeks. Do you remember that.
Speaker 2: I don't even remember that.
Speaker 1: You don't remember renting that house up that beautiful house
Speaker 1: with the view, and you literally never stayed in it.
Speaker 1: Probably why I don't remember it, because the girls didn't
Speaker 1: want to go to it.
Speaker 2: I don't remember it.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I remember.
Speaker 2: I think I remember what I remember. We had an
Speaker 2: r V and so I spent I would. I would
Speaker 2: stay in the r V when I went up there.
Speaker 2: I don't remember a house.
Speaker 1: I remember the RV. That's where we broke up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the RV's where you told me it was over.
Speaker 2: I think in the r V.
Speaker 1: In the RV, that's why we sold that RV. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: for me, glad you don't remember. But how did you, like,
Speaker 1: because you were in pain and healing in your own
Speaker 1: way from a breakup, how did you do that when
Speaker 1: you with the kids, when you had the kids or
Speaker 1: when you didn't.
Speaker 2: I mean I when I had the kids, I just
Speaker 2: made it about them, right, you know? And I think
Speaker 2: that's was me trying to shield it from them, like
Speaker 2: I'm okay, you know what I mean? Because look, I
Speaker 2: think that there's no manual for for for parenting, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean? And that's it's really hard you
Speaker 2: get you have a kid. I'm twenty one years old
Speaker 2: and you're like, well, what do I do? You know,
Speaker 2: so you just look at what like your parents did.
Speaker 2: And like my my mom, I never knew if she
Speaker 2: was happy or sad or you know, she didn't really
Speaker 2: show her emotions. She kind of just made it about me,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, like how was my day?
Speaker 2: And so she was always like a rock. And so
Speaker 2: I kind of tried to model that for the kids.
Speaker 2: And you're more of like, hey, it's okay for the
Speaker 2: kids to see emotions, yeah, show you know, And I
Speaker 2: think that's part of your upbringing. So like that's I.
Speaker 1: Think one of the biggest differences in our parenting styles.
Speaker 1: And I knew that early on. I remember going to
Speaker 1: your house in Queens and Noni Bruna your mom. I
Speaker 1: remember it was so much energy, the Italian dinners in
Speaker 1: the family, and I was not used to that. I
Speaker 1: come from a really quiet family, and I remember just
Speaker 1: being over. I was pregnant also so feeling those like
Speaker 1: we weren't married and it was in this Catholic home,
Speaker 1: like the illegitimate baby mama, like it felt very weird.
Speaker 1: So I remember there was one point when I just
Speaker 1: couldn't hold it anymore. My emotions came out, and I
Speaker 1: remember NONI come back to the girls room where we
Speaker 1: would stay, and she was like, it's okay, don't cry.
Speaker 1: Don't cry, like she said, don't cry, don't cry, And
Speaker 1: for me, I was like, what do you mean don't cry?
Speaker 1: Like I have to cry to get this out. So
Speaker 1: you're like that difference in our upbringing was so apparent,
Speaker 1: and it really did cross over into our parenting styles
Speaker 1: because you are much more what's the word, when you're
Speaker 1: not as emotional, not that you're not emotional, but like
Speaker 1: you're much more.
Speaker 2: I try to stay stronger so that my whatever I'm
Speaker 2: going through doesn't affect them. And so when they came
Speaker 2: over to the house, it was more about how they're feeling,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it wasn't like I
Speaker 2: was suppressing their feelings. It was more of me not
Speaker 2: you know, showing them how happy, you know, sad about
Speaker 2: them not being there.
Speaker 1: I really tried to do that. You know, you you.
Speaker 2: Always yeah, but it's your you know how you were raised,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I think that, like I said,
Speaker 2: they kind of benefited from both. You know. They looked
Speaker 2: at it and it was like it's okay to express
Speaker 2: emotions and it's okay to be wrong, you know. I
Speaker 2: mean we had also I felt like sometimes we differed
Speaker 2: in and like parenting in the sense that, you know,
Speaker 2: when I saw the kids uncomfortable about something, I looked
Speaker 2: at it as an opportunity for them to grow through it, right,
Speaker 2: And you still do. We still deal with this because
Speaker 2: you hate when they're uncomfortable. You just want to make
Speaker 2: them feel good all the time and hug them and
Speaker 2: love them. And that's a beautiful trait. And and so
Speaker 2: we would clash on that because I'm like, you know,
Speaker 2: when we were together, I remember it was a little
Speaker 2: easier because, like, you know, we're trying to it's just
Speaker 2: easy when you're together and you're just supporting each other.
Speaker 2: And there were times when our youngest, our oldest, Luca,
Speaker 2: you know, it's five, and you say she's not making
Speaker 2: any friends. You got to go help her make friends.
Speaker 2: I go over. I'd be like, hey, this is Luca Belli.
Speaker 2: You know you need to you should be friends with her.
Speaker 2: And so and then as she got older, it was
Speaker 2: like she didn't develop the skill set to like make
Speaker 2: friends because I was the one making friends for us.
Speaker 2: So like you know, when I was younger, it was
Speaker 2: more of an approach of with my parents of like
Speaker 2: letting me fall and then you know, letting me get
Speaker 2: up and if they needed me, you know, if they
Speaker 2: if I really needed them, they were there. But they
Speaker 2: let me, you know, grow through things, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. And you had a mom and dad who
Speaker 2: just there all the time celebrating you, and like, I
Speaker 2: always loved it. I think we had two extremes, you know,
Speaker 2: our upbringings. Our brains were like I could have used
Speaker 2: a little bit of more of the parent to love nursing.
Speaker 2: And like, you know, I had my first job. I
Speaker 2: was twelve years old. I was a paper boy. I
Speaker 2: was like delivering papers to the neighborhood and I worked
Speaker 2: seven days a week, you know what I mean. So
Speaker 2: like having a job is what I knew at an
Speaker 2: early age. I wanted to instill let my kids and like,
Speaker 2: you know, if they were uncomfortable out things, and you
Speaker 2: would call me and be like, well, so and so
Speaker 2: is bothering them at school, and I'd be like, let's
Speaker 2: give them tools to like, you know, get through it.
Speaker 2: And you're you know, it's not something wrong, it's just
Speaker 2: your ideology is more like, let's let's fix it for them,
Speaker 2: Let's help them, you know, in the sense of making
Speaker 2: this space comfortable for them so they can grow, you know.
Speaker 2: So I think we still deal with that sometimes, you know.
Speaker 2: But again I think that there's two having the two
Speaker 2: parenting styles somehow works because we have such incredible children.
Speaker 1: What does co parenting mean to you, like in general?
Speaker 2: Like, I mean, it's tough.
Speaker 1: What does it take?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it takes. It takes patience, It takes it takes
Speaker 2: a lot of and again we could have been better
Speaker 2: at it, and I still try to be better at it.
Speaker 2: A lot of trying to understand where the other it's
Speaker 2: coming from, because I think when we had a passion
Speaker 2: for something, you know, about something our kids were going through,
Speaker 2: and we understood, you know, where you were coming from
Speaker 2: and where I was coming from, even if we didn't
Speaker 2: agree on the you know, end result of it, there
Speaker 2: was a compassion there that that I think helped us
Speaker 2: through it, you know what I mean. So it takes compassion,
Speaker 2: it takes understanding, it takes I think also when you're divorced,
Speaker 2: there's a feeling of am I a good parent? Maybe
Speaker 2: the other person's a better parent, and it flips flops.
Speaker 2: I feel like you feel that way too, I'm not wrong,
Speaker 2: like and wanting to the other parent of go, hey,
Speaker 2: I'm a good parent too, and so you're always trying
Speaker 2: to prove to the other parent, know I'm I'm Yeah.
Speaker 1: There was a lot of that for us, because I
Speaker 1: would send them to you and I would think they
Speaker 1: weren't being taken care of well enough or to my
Speaker 1: standards or whatever it was. But then just I would
Speaker 1: have to step back from that because like you were
Speaker 1: doing the best you could and giving them all the
Speaker 1: things that you knew to give them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like it was hard because when I drop them
Speaker 2: off to your house, I'm like, they're with their mom
Speaker 2: and I know they're safe and they're comfortable and if
Speaker 2: they need me, I'm here. And I think in the beginning,
Speaker 2: a lot of it was like are you picking up
Speaker 2: Fiona at school? Are you are you feeding her this?
Speaker 2: And so there was a lot of like safeguard and
Speaker 2: I was like, I got it, I got it covered,
Speaker 2: don't worry.
Speaker 1: I think that's what led us to I remember there
Speaker 1: was a point for us when you, in one of
Speaker 1: our many texts exchange, you said leave me alone. I'll
Speaker 1: do it my way, you do it your way. And
Speaker 1: those were points where we would just reach a point
Speaker 1: where we couldn't communicate anymore. Those walls you know, we're up.
Speaker 2: Well, it's hard when I'm trying to parent and like
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm always being looked over, like I'm
Speaker 2: not doing it well or not doing it right, you know,
Speaker 2: And it's like I need to be able to have
Speaker 2: the space to parent my own way. And then you know,
Speaker 2: we have to come together on obviously certain terms of
Speaker 2: certain rules and stuff. And it always helped when we
Speaker 2: had the same rules in the same house. So it
Speaker 2: wasn't like here's chocolate and candy, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: But it wasn't that. It was just always like I
Speaker 2: think you were a little nervous that I was going
Speaker 2: to be late, or I was gonna pick up Fiona
Speaker 2: on time, or do you know, don't forget you has
Speaker 2: soccer or don't forget And I was like, I have
Speaker 2: the calendar, I've got it.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of uh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, then you were text me like ten minutes before going,
Speaker 1: wait where do I go?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Sometimes, but yeah, it takes listen again, when you
Speaker 2: break up with someone and then you still have this immense,
Speaker 2: tremendous responsibility with them. It's you have to put everything
Speaker 2: aside to like to work together. And there's still a
Speaker 2: lot of pain there in the relationship not working out.
Speaker 2: A lot of feeling like if you failed the kids,
Speaker 2: or you know, we failed the kids in some way,
Speaker 2: and a lot of feelings of like, you know, my
Speaker 2: way is right, your way is wrong, your way is right,
Speaker 2: my way is wrong, and so like. But waiting through
Speaker 2: all of that and going, well, what's best for them,
Speaker 2: you know, not not what makes me feel like a
Speaker 2: good parent or feels you feel like a good parent,
Speaker 2: What's what's really best for them? And and and it's hard,
Speaker 2: but it's like, I think what we were good a
Speaker 2: is we loved our kids so much, you know that
Speaker 2: we were somehow able to like get to a point
Speaker 2: where you know, even if we didn't agree, they were okay.
Speaker 2: You know. I also think kids are resilient. They're very
Speaker 2: resilient in the sense that we felt like, well, if
Speaker 2: I lose this point, they're gonna be messed up for life,
Speaker 2: or you know, if I give in on this, and
Speaker 2: and and they go to this school and you want
Speaker 2: them to go to that school that they're gonna their
Speaker 2: whole life is gonna be, and it's not. I think
Speaker 2: that they're going to have their lessons in that whatever
Speaker 2: they're going through, and they're going to grow from that experience.
Speaker 2: And so I never looked at it like, well, maybe
Speaker 2: if they went here and they didn't go there, they'd
Speaker 2: end up differently because they have a way of ending
Speaker 2: it where they're supposed to be.
Speaker 1: Always that's how life works. Yes, But I think that
Speaker 1: when you are a child of divorce, your younger years
Speaker 1: are so much more challenging. There's just so much more
Speaker 1: going on in your head and your heart, you know,
Speaker 1: conflict and questions and being uncertain, you know. I think
Speaker 1: that there's so much that they have to process, and
Speaker 1: that I mean for most people that I've talked to,
Speaker 1: if you're a child of divorce, that's something that is
Speaker 1: in you for the rest of your life. It's so
Speaker 1: when you say I think kids are resilient, I agree
Speaker 1: with you on some level, But I also think that I.
Speaker 2: Think that goes back to our ideologies because like I
Speaker 2: think that that uncomfortableness that they carry made them strong
Speaker 2: to be who they are.
Speaker 1: I'm not arguing that, No, absolutely, I agree with you.
Speaker 1: I think every challenge that we all go through takes
Speaker 1: us to the next step, to the next step, to
Speaker 1: the next step of our evolution and are growing And
Speaker 1: I think that. But I think that when kids are
Speaker 1: put in the position of being children of divorce, you're
Speaker 1: adding in something that they didn't create. So their natural
Speaker 1: like story, life journey takes the left turn or right turn.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm big on the story of it all
Speaker 2: because like, whatever story you create for them is the
Speaker 2: story they're going to believe. And I always felt that
Speaker 2: what maybe we could have done better is creating a
Speaker 2: universal story of that would have been more beneficial to them. Like,
Speaker 2: like I'll give you an example. My dad works seven
Speaker 2: days a week. You know, I didn't see him Monday
Speaker 2: through Friday at all. He left in the morning at
Speaker 2: nine am. I went to school at six at seven am,
Speaker 2: so I went to school before he woke up. And
Speaker 2: then he would come home at two am, so I
Speaker 2: didn't see him. And on Saturdays he worked, so I
Speaker 2: saw him in the mornings and then I saw him
Speaker 2: on Sunday. That's all that's I saw. So I saw
Speaker 2: my dad one day week. And if I had a
Speaker 2: mom who was just like, your dad's never here, he's
Speaker 2: never around. I'm doing everything around here, I would have
Speaker 2: hated my dad. But I had a mom who was
Speaker 2: always like, your dad's working so hard for us, your
Speaker 2: dad's putting food on the table. Your dad, you know,
Speaker 2: work hard, because your dad works hard, and you got
Speaker 2: you know, he's going to be proud of you. And
Speaker 2: and so this tape that I was hearing, my dad
Speaker 2: was a superhero to me. And I never was angry
Speaker 2: at him for not being around. I looked at him
Speaker 2: as as this role model of like somebody who like
Speaker 2: gave up a lot for his family. And I feel like,
Speaker 2: you know, so that the tape we play for our
Speaker 2: kids of like, you know, a lot of times we
Speaker 2: would villainize each other, you know, and and it would
Speaker 2: just be there, not in the sense that we've villainize
Speaker 2: each other in front of our kids, but like they
Speaker 2: could tell if there's tension there or like you're in
Speaker 2: a disagreement with me, or I'm in disagreement with you,
Speaker 2: and they feel it, and like you know, his mom, right,
Speaker 2: and then you're putting them in a position. We're putting
Speaker 2: them in positions to like choose sides and so like, yes,
Speaker 2: there's a something they carry, and I don't come from
Speaker 2: divorced parents, so I don't know what that would be.
Speaker 2: But I always felt like if you and I stayed unified,
Speaker 2: if you and I could could get along, if you
Speaker 2: and I, you know, could work together, and they saw
Speaker 2: that there was still love there, you know, and even
Speaker 2: though we weren't in this relationship, that they could walk
Speaker 2: away going you know, with the story of mom and
Speaker 2: dad are still in each in our corners. Maybe they're
Speaker 2: not together, but they're in our corners, and and then
Speaker 2: they would grow from a more positive experience out of
Speaker 2: it instead of like is bad.
Speaker 1: I agree with you. I do agree with you. I
Speaker 1: think that we're talking about two different things that I
Speaker 1: think we're talking about the psychological impact of a divorce
Speaker 1: on a young child and how it progresses to the
Speaker 1: rest of our life. And I think we're also talking
Speaker 1: about the story or trying to model for your kids.
Speaker 1: And I think that what you're saying is absolutely true. Actually,
Speaker 1: it was making me a little feel a little emotional
Speaker 1: while you were talking about that, because I know I
Speaker 1: could have been better about that, and I know, you know,
Speaker 1: I could have been better about that, and that's hard
Speaker 1: for me because I did my best, but sometimes my
Speaker 1: best wasn't the best, you know, and I acknowledge that,
Speaker 1: and like it pains me now to see that that
Speaker 1: I created something there for us to deal with, for
Speaker 1: them to deal with because of my just my pain
Speaker 1: or whatever it was. Like I said, we haven't really
Speaker 1: talked about.
Speaker 2: Anything, but here's the thing, like even though you might
Speaker 2: have felt that, and you feel that now and like
Speaker 2: you know, yeah, we went through that, Like I know that.
Speaker 2: Our daughter Lola today was like I'm so I'm so
Speaker 2: excited for your mom to talk about because they're because
Speaker 2: they know that. You know, our kids really like I mean,
Speaker 2: knock on wood, they're they're just so incredible, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. Like I'm so proud of them. They're
Speaker 2: so smart, they're so like our daughter's twenty and like
Speaker 2: she doesn't even like to like drink, she doesn't go
Speaker 2: out partying. She's like very like focused on what she
Speaker 2: wants out of life. Like I mean, I didn't have
Speaker 2: it all together at twenty, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: The way our kids have it together, and our oldest
Speaker 2: daughter too, you know, is. You know, she went off
Speaker 2: to New York at twenty three or twenty four and
Speaker 2: on her own, you know, got an apartment on our own,
Speaker 2: got a job on her own, and was able to
Speaker 2: like you know, be autonomous and like we were always
Speaker 2: there for her, but she didn't, you know, she was
Speaker 2: able to take care of herself and to this day
Speaker 2: still is. And like I look at that and I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: we most have done something right, because you know, a
Speaker 2: lot of kids today, if they grow up and they're
Speaker 2: too reliant on their parents, they don't leave the house
Speaker 2: till live thirty. You know. I know a lot of
Speaker 2: friends whose kids are just like still kind of kicking around,
Speaker 2: not knowing partying or you know, getting into drugs or like,
Speaker 2: we were really blessed with our kids that they they
Speaker 2: just grew up so wonderful. And I think it. You know,
Speaker 2: I can't. I can't sit here and say we did
Speaker 2: a terrible job when our kids are so good, because
Speaker 2: I really think that, you know, whatever happened, you know, yes,
Speaker 2: there were things we could have dealt with better on
Speaker 2: both ends, but like they really benefited from from both
Speaker 2: both worlds. You know, I think, I think when you're
Speaker 2: co parenting too, if you got if if they're parents
Speaker 2: out there that are getting divorced, if they could put
Speaker 2: you know, I was going to ask you all of
Speaker 2: that pain aside and and the differences aside, and try
Speaker 2: to keep the front unified and get on the phone
Speaker 2: and and and if you have a disagreement or don't
Speaker 2: see eye on something, texting isn't going to help, you,
Speaker 2: know what I mean. I think both of us felt like, oh,
Speaker 2: I don't want to rock the apple cart, and like
Speaker 2: call and rock the boat, tip the apple car, knock
Speaker 2: the boat.
Speaker 1: Spill the go ahead.
Speaker 2: This is why we got divorce. Don't text because because
Speaker 2: because when you when you can talk to the other person,
Speaker 2: as hard as it is. No, but that's the thing
Speaker 2: when you're when you're divorced, you don't want to have
Speaker 2: to talk to the other person, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: And you want to talk as little as possible, but
Speaker 2: you have to when you have kids involved.
Speaker 1: You have you have I know, did you, like I
Speaker 1: said before, you never looked at me and thought I'm
Speaker 1: going to be bound to this person for the rest
Speaker 1: of my life by having children with her.
Speaker 2: No, I mean, when you don't really think of it.
Speaker 2: I mean when you're when you listen. When we had
Speaker 2: our first child, I wasn't thinking about you know, life,
Speaker 2: I was twenty one years old. I was thinking about
Speaker 2: the moments, you know, and we came together very fast,
Speaker 2: very fierce, was very you know quick, and then I
Speaker 2: remember thinking, well, let's move in together and see how
Speaker 2: it goes. And then it kind of just went. Like
Speaker 2: five years went by, and I thought, well, we should
Speaker 2: get married, and then we got married, and then we
Speaker 2: had another kid, and then it felt like it was
Speaker 2: almost like an arranged marriage in a way, and things
Speaker 2: seemed well, and you know, you know, we we had
Speaker 2: disagreements here and there, but it was like I think
Speaker 2: it was so.
Speaker 1: We were really young, we really did create a special family. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like whatever was going on between you and I really
Speaker 1: felt separate a lot of the time. And then our
Speaker 1: little happy family dwelling.
Speaker 2: Well, I think we were able to shield it more
Speaker 2: from the kids. And also I don't think I spoke
Speaker 2: up as much, you know what I mean, because I
Speaker 2: was younger, I hadn't really formed my own identity of
Speaker 2: who I was yet, and so I just felt like, well,
Speaker 2: I'll just be what everybody needs me to be and
Speaker 2: I think that, you know, it's time went bio. I
Speaker 2: was like, well, I don't even know who I am anymore,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Like I kind of fell
Speaker 2: into your world because you had more of an established world.
Speaker 2: And that was tough because I remember we had a
Speaker 2: beautiful house, but like you know, I didn't have anything
Speaker 2: on the walls that I felt like was mine. I
Speaker 2: felt like I was like supporting this life that it
Speaker 2: was yours that I didn't like. When we got divorced,
Speaker 2: I didn't know what furniture to put in my house.
Speaker 2: I didn't even know what color I wanted to paint
Speaker 2: the walls. I was like, I don't, I don't know.
Speaker 2: I had to really find me, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: because I was so for so many years living this,
Speaker 2: you know, for being a dad, living these parts, you know,
Speaker 2: being a husband, being a dad, being this perfect family,
Speaker 2: and so I never really fully got in touch with
Speaker 2: and I didn't really have time to. I mean, I
Speaker 2: went from my mom and dad's house, moved to l A.
Speaker 2: You know, I had been working on projects, and within
Speaker 2: six months we were having a baby. So you know,
Speaker 2: I didn't fully have the I didn't I didn't have
Speaker 2: a sense of who I was, and so I was
Speaker 2: just trying to be all these things for other people,
Speaker 2: you know. So when that fell apart, it took me
Speaker 2: time to try to, you know, get in touch with
Speaker 2: me and what I liked and what do I want
Speaker 2: for dinner? I don't know. You know, do you.
Speaker 1: Remember that being like a main part of your decision
Speaker 1: to get a divorce, like that you felt like, I
Speaker 1: need to find myself. I need to be able to
Speaker 1: express myself. I'm not not able to do that in
Speaker 1: this marriage.
Speaker 2: I felt that. Yeah, I felt a lot of it
Speaker 2: was like I was in this marriage and it felt
Speaker 2: to me a little bit like an arranged marriage, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. Like I loved you, and we
Speaker 2: had this beautiful family on you know, from the outside,
Speaker 2: but I just was I hadn't hadn't developed who I was,
Speaker 2: So like, how could you love me? I don't even
Speaker 2: know how you could love me because I didn't know me,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I was whatever you needed
Speaker 2: me to be, Like like sometimes you would we would
Speaker 2: drive up to your mom's house, and I was the
Speaker 2: guy who drove, you know, I planned the vacations, I
Speaker 2: was the dad. I was the soccer coach I was,
Speaker 2: and then I go play parts and I was this
Speaker 2: other person playing parts, and so I was just like, well,
Speaker 2: I never got the fully develop me. I didn't know
Speaker 2: who I was, and so I needed to figure that out,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: And you didn't feel like you.
Speaker 2: I didn't feel like I had the space to do it,
Speaker 2: to do that within the marriage. No, So I think
Speaker 2: that was a big part of it, because I felt
Speaker 2: like time was going by and I didn't want to
Speaker 2: wake up and be like sixty years old and feel like,
Speaker 2: well did I live this life for all these other
Speaker 2: people and not know who I was. I just needed
Speaker 2: to go sort that, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 2: I think I listened. It was all all part of
Speaker 2: just you know, you you had already been established and
Speaker 2: working since you were fifteen, so like by the time
Speaker 2: you were twenty two, I was young, but like we
Speaker 2: were in different places, you know what I mean, We're
Speaker 2: just in different places. At twenty two, you were already
Speaker 2: eight seven years, eight years into you know, your show
Speaker 2: and almost wanting to retire, and I was just like, no,
Speaker 2: I'm just starting. I want to explore you my career,
Speaker 2: my craft, and I just it was it was just
Speaker 2: also timing, you know, I mean of where we were, I.
Speaker 1: Mean, considering all of that. We really did last a
Speaker 1: long time. I think because of the children, yea, you know,
Speaker 1: we kept having.
Speaker 2: I think that if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't
Speaker 2: have stayed because I would have had the freedom to go, Okay,
Speaker 2: I need to be able to figure out who I am,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: I think though, if you love someone and you are
Speaker 1: in a family, Like I'm not trying to debate your
Speaker 1: decision at all, because I everything's great now, but like
Speaker 1: I think, if you can ultimately grow and find yourself
Speaker 1: in a relationship rather than saying I need to leave
Speaker 1: my family to figure that out.
Speaker 2: There was there's part of me, listen, and I was
Speaker 2: very conflicted. There was part of me that was like
Speaker 2: do I stay in this? Do I do I do I,
Speaker 2: you know, leave it. I also felt gutted to like
Speaker 2: break up family apart. You know. It was it was
Speaker 2: It wasn't an easy decision by any means. It was.
Speaker 2: It was a decision that I felt like I kind
Speaker 2: of had to make, and I feel, like, you know you,
Speaker 2: looking back, I feel like it was the right decision
Speaker 2: because what you don't want to do is stay in
Speaker 2: a relationship and play a part and then feel like
Speaker 2: your life went by and the kids, you know, grew
Speaker 2: up in it. But they were you know, they they
Speaker 2: didn't that there was an underlying emptiness there that I
Speaker 2: wouldn't have been able to like, yeah, I would have
Speaker 2: had you know.
Speaker 1: It's almost like, on one hand, they missed out on
Speaker 1: that idyllic family my parents are still married kind of thing.
Speaker 1: But on the other hand, they gained so much more
Speaker 1: emotional depth and so much more strength, I think, and
Speaker 1: so many other things from experiencing the way it happened
Speaker 1: with us.
Speaker 2: Well, I hope look, if my kids are ever in
Speaker 2: a relationship that they feel like, Okay, this relationship isn't
Speaker 2: really you know, servicing me in a way that's making
Speaker 2: me grow. And I hope that they, you know, have
Speaker 2: the courage to leave the relationship so that they can
Speaker 2: continue to grow and learn. And I think, look, wherever
Speaker 2: we were at that time, I didn't feel like I
Speaker 2: had the space to do it within our relationship, and
Speaker 2: so part of it was like, what am I staying
Speaker 2: in this relationship to teach them? Because what if they
Speaker 2: get into relationship one day and they don't want to
Speaker 2: leave it because they don't want to they don't want
Speaker 2: to break the ideal like you know, image image of this.
Speaker 2: You know, it's hard to leave relationship, especially the longer
Speaker 2: you're in it. It takes a lot of it takes
Speaker 2: a lot of courage, it's actually to do that.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I felt like you wanted me to like
Speaker 1: say like, thank you for your courage, but I could
Speaker 1: never get to that. I don't. I don't, I am
Speaker 1: I honestly, I remember distinctly you saying to me in
Speaker 1: that r V Jen someday you're going to thank me
Speaker 1: for this, and I got so pissed at you. I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm never gonna thank you for this, Like
Speaker 1: I mean, but.
Speaker 2: You're You're in a wonderful marriage now with it, but
Speaker 2: now incredible.
Speaker 1: My point is like, I thank you for doing it,
Speaker 1: for all the growth that I've experienced from it, and
Speaker 1: because of it, it wouldn't be who I am now,
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't be, you know, the parent that I
Speaker 1: am now without well, first of all, without your partnership
Speaker 1: through all of the ups and downs of it, of
Speaker 1: co parenting. No matter if we wanted to kill each
Speaker 1: other at times, or not, we still were there for
Speaker 1: one another. They always had a dad, And I have
Speaker 1: the space within my heart now to really find all
Speaker 1: those areas of respect for you and your decision, why
Speaker 1: you made it for yourself, and how hard that was
Speaker 1: for you, and your concern with the girl's feelings and
Speaker 1: how it affected them. And I have a lot of
Speaker 1: just gratitude knowing that you were a full time dad,
Speaker 1: like you were always there for the girls. You are
Speaker 1: always there for the girls, and you're always there for
Speaker 1: me if I call you and I need some help
Speaker 1: with something or I'm struggling. There were times when I
Speaker 1: didn't feel that support from you when things were not good,
Speaker 1: and that was so difficult. I think that when women,
Speaker 1: when you're in a situation where your family is everything
Speaker 1: and then your husband's no longer with you, you feel
Speaker 1: alone and terrified, and especially if that partner isn't amicable
Speaker 1: or showing that support or that respect for you the
Speaker 1: mother as the mother, you know. I think that that
Speaker 1: is something I'm just so grateful for. Okay, I think
Speaker 1: this is a good place to take a pause. Ten
Speaker 1: years ago, I never imagined that I would be having
Speaker 1: this conversation about our divorce and co parenting publicly no less,
Speaker 1: and I have to be honest, this conversation is hard
Speaker 1: for me on a few levels, but I am really
Speaker 1: glad that Peter and I are having it and we
Speaker 1: have more to say, but let's save that. I just
Speaker 1: want to say, I hope that if you or someone
Speaker 1: you know is going through a breakup or divorce, you
Speaker 1: take away from this. As cliche as it sounds, time
Speaker 1: does heal those wounds. I know, I know, I hated
Speaker 1: when people would say that to me in the throes
Speaker 1: of it all, but like any loss, those intense feelings
Speaker 1: do subside over time. I mean, look at us, Peter
Speaker 1: and I have come a long way, and I am
Speaker 1: really proud of the progress that we've made over the years.
Speaker 1: As we move forward on this journey of choosing ourselves,
Speaker 1: let's do this. I encourage you this week to look
Speaker 1: back on a challenging time that you have experienced in
Speaker 1: your own life. Maybe you've gone through a divorce or
Speaker 1: lost a job, or experienced an illness or financial difficulties,
Speaker 1: and now you're on the other side of that challenge.
Speaker 1: I want you to give yourself a little grace and
Speaker 1: congratulate yourself on how you process that and move forward. Seriously,
Speaker 1: think of it as giving yourself a hug. You did that.
Speaker 1: We are all warriors and survivors, but sometimes we forget
Speaker 1: to be our own cheerleaders. Thank you for listening to
Speaker 1: I Choose Me and Hey, Hey, make sure to follow
Speaker 1: us on Instagram at I Choose Me with Jenny Garth.
Speaker 1: I really love hearing from you. I love you, and
Speaker 1: I hope you choose to come back next week