1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:08,920 Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, 2 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 1: Welcome to the I Choose Me Podcast. This podcast is 3 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:17,120 Speaker 1: all about the choices we make and where they lead us. 4 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: Sometimes life brings you scenarios that we never anticipate, like 5 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: co parenting after a divorce. When you become a parent, 6 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,800 Speaker 1: you don't think how will I approach parenting if my 7 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:33,960 Speaker 1: relationship falls apart. You only start to think about co 8 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,680 Speaker 1: parenting when you are forced to because it's now your 9 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:41,680 Speaker 1: new reality. Co Parenting can be really frustrating, and it 10 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: can leave you feeling lonely and defeated. But on the 11 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: other hand, it can be collaborative and rewarding if everyone 12 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 1: is working together. Today I am joined by someone whom 13 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 1: I was married to. He's the father of my three 14 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,800 Speaker 1: girls and someone I will be co parenting with for 15 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: the rest of my life. We have never sat down 16 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,600 Speaker 1: together and talked about our divorce or our journey to 17 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:14,280 Speaker 1: co parenting. So maybe I'm a little nervous and I'm 18 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 1: kind of excited about this conversation. Welcome Peter Facchinelli to 19 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:23,479 Speaker 1: the I Choose Me Podcast. This is wild you here? 20 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:29,120 Speaker 2: Yeah. In the I Choose Therapy, A therapy session if 21 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:29,640 Speaker 2: it does. 22 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:32,120 Speaker 1: Now that you bring it on this couch, starting to 23 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,760 Speaker 1: get a little sweaty under my pitt. Yeah, this is 24 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,120 Speaker 1: wild because we haven't really sat down and had a conversation. 25 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:42,760 Speaker 1: It's certainly not a public conversation about anything, you know, 26 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:46,880 Speaker 1: regarding our marriage or divorce or co parenting. So this 27 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:50,000 Speaker 1: is Yeah, this is a very big step for us. 28 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,320 Speaker 2: I think it'll be good. Let's just say this. Uh, 29 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:57,080 Speaker 2: start always saying I feel really blessed that we have 30 00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:01,280 Speaker 2: such wonderful kids, and then we're you know, through the 31 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 2: other side of it. I mean, our youngest is seventeen, 32 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 2: which she'll be eighteen in a few months, and you know, 33 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,400 Speaker 2: parenting's hard. It's really hard. 34 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, you were just twenty one years old when you 35 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,560 Speaker 1: had a baby. 36 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, I was a baby having a baby, that is I. 37 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:26,080 Speaker 1: Mean we didn't really understand back then how young that 38 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: was to become a parent. But now looking back and 39 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,440 Speaker 1: seeing our own twenty one year old, can you imagine 40 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:31,360 Speaker 1: her having a daughter? 41 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,440 Speaker 2: Like, no, how did that? I pray every day, I'm like, please, 42 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,240 Speaker 2: don't I don't have a baby, y, I know, because 43 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,880 Speaker 2: you know, you need had a little bit of wisdom 44 00:02:39,919 --> 00:02:43,360 Speaker 2: and a little bit of knowledge at that age. At 45 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,400 Speaker 2: twenty one, you were a year older, so you weren't 46 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,840 Speaker 2: that much older twenty two, but you had you've been 47 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,280 Speaker 2: working since you were fifteen in the business. So you know, 48 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:55,040 Speaker 2: I literally just landed in La I moved here, and 49 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,880 Speaker 2: six months later I was having a baby. So you know, 50 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 2: that was that was that wasn't planned obviously. Uh. But uh, 51 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 2: you know, we we we lasted a long time and 52 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 2: we did for for Hollywood years and uh and we 53 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,799 Speaker 2: we yeah, here we are. 54 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:14,640 Speaker 1: We had a good run. 55 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 2: We had a we had a very good run. And 56 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 2: uh and even when we were apart, you know, we 57 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:23,120 Speaker 2: had to we had to work together a lot of 58 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 2: times at a lot of times. It wasn't easy. Uh, 59 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,040 Speaker 2: you know, for either one of us. I think I 60 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:32,000 Speaker 2: think that really stems, you know, looking back on it, 61 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 2: is I felt like we were two parents that cared 62 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 2: a lot, and so whatever friction came up was because 63 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:45,040 Speaker 2: we really did care about the about our children. You know, 64 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:47,560 Speaker 2: there's some parents that they're just like, I don't care. 65 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,920 Speaker 2: You know, you deal with it, or I don't care. 66 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 2: I'll deal with it, and they're busy. But we both 67 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 2: really you know, cared passionately about our kids and really 68 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:01,040 Speaker 2: wanted the best for them, and sometimes, you know, our 69 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:05,760 Speaker 2: ideologies would would not mesh. But somehow we worked it 70 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 2: out and we have really good kids. Yeah. Whatever we did, 71 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 2: whether it was right or wrong, like, they grew up 72 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:19,240 Speaker 2: to be wonderful kids. Yeah, and I feel very fortunate. 73 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:19,839 Speaker 2: I know. 74 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,320 Speaker 1: Let's just go back to the beginning, though, because when 75 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:29,600 Speaker 1: when we first decided to break up, you know, separate 76 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,840 Speaker 1: the divorce everything, we settled on shared custody. I think 77 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,560 Speaker 1: that you know, a lot of the listeners out there 78 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 1: are either they're going through a divorce with kids and 79 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: entering into the next step of co parenting with their ex, 80 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 1: or you know, people just want to know how to 81 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,520 Speaker 1: handle this situation because you don't ever really think when 82 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,760 Speaker 1: you get together, when you first start a relationship with somebody, 83 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,839 Speaker 1: who don't think about what are we going to do 84 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,160 Speaker 1: if this doesn't work out? Like how am I going 85 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 1: to co parent with the person? So we settled on 86 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:09,720 Speaker 1: shared custody fifty to fifty. I know, for me, there 87 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:15,159 Speaker 1: were times when I really emotionally regretted that decision or 88 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 1: not fighting harder for more, But at the same time, 89 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:22,680 Speaker 1: I knew that having them be fifty percent of their 90 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:27,000 Speaker 1: time with you their father was absolutely the best thing 91 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:33,560 Speaker 1: for them. And whatever I was dealing with, you know, 92 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 1: that part of me that wanted to have them more 93 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 1: was just me being selfish and thinking about myself because 94 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,800 Speaker 1: it hurt so bad when they would leave. How was 95 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:50,280 Speaker 1: it for you when that fifty to fifty deal came up? 96 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,919 Speaker 2: I mean it was I mean it was always hard. 97 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 2: I think listen. Co parenting is hard, Divorce is hard. 98 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,040 Speaker 2: I didn't have a model for it. My parents were. 99 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:00,600 Speaker 1: We were flying. 100 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:07,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I mean married to twenty one, we were 101 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,720 Speaker 2: together what ten years? 102 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,679 Speaker 1: Eleven years I think married. 103 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,440 Speaker 2: I mean we were together for five then we got 104 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:20,440 Speaker 2: married after five. Luca was you know, was our flower girl, 105 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 2: So that's ten five and then I think she was 106 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:24,280 Speaker 2: like twelve. 107 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 1: We were married in two thousand and one, divorced in 108 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,560 Speaker 1: twenty twelve, so that's. 109 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:33,159 Speaker 2: Like eleven years plus plus five fifteen sixteen years. That's 110 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,480 Speaker 2: that's a long run. And we had three kids, and 111 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,919 Speaker 2: you know, it broke my heart to break up a family, 112 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,080 Speaker 2: you know, And it was one of those decisions that 113 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:47,080 Speaker 2: was like you never know if you're making the right decision. 114 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,599 Speaker 2: But you know, we made the decision, and then it 115 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,240 Speaker 2: was all about trying to find a balance and picking 116 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 2: up the kids and knowing that they were going to 117 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,480 Speaker 2: miss you for the week and then dropping off knowing 118 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 2: they were going to miss me for a week. Is 119 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,280 Speaker 2: it's it's hard. I think they were young. They were 120 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 2: well there were Luca was twelve or thirteen, and Lola 121 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,520 Speaker 2: was like eight or nine. Six No, I think she 122 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 2: was like eighty eight or because she was sick when 123 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,200 Speaker 2: she was six, remember. 124 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 1: And Fiona must have been like she was like four. 125 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, so you know, not easy at all. Yeah, certainly 126 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:28,520 Speaker 2: I wish I had, you know, I wish I could 127 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,680 Speaker 2: look back and say, here's the way to do it, 128 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,960 Speaker 2: But I still don't know like the best way. If 129 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,600 Speaker 2: if it was like, should we have done two weeks apart, 130 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 2: but then that feels even longer. I know, sometimes we 131 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,120 Speaker 2: try that, you know, in the summers, we'd be like, well, 132 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,680 Speaker 2: maybe two weeks with you, two weeks with me, and 133 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 2: that would be you know, too long, and so I 134 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 2: don't know, Look, it's a tough thing. I also felt like, 135 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 2: you know, for the kids, they'd always like pack a 136 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 2: bag and come to my house and then pack a 137 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,400 Speaker 2: bag and then go to your house. And I always 138 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 2: felt like they were like, uh, I feel like they 139 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:06,840 Speaker 2: were visiting me and maybe choosing a home, like your 140 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,280 Speaker 2: house is like the home house, and you know, there's 141 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:13,080 Speaker 2: a lot of feelings of like, well is my house 142 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,880 Speaker 2: the house they come visit? Is your house to come 143 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 2: the house they visit? You know, like where is their home? Uh? 144 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 2: Some some parents will get what they call nesting and 145 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,800 Speaker 2: they'll get one house and the parents, you know, move 146 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,960 Speaker 2: back and forth. And we talked about that, I think 147 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:34,600 Speaker 2: for a split second. But you know then you're it's 148 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,880 Speaker 2: it's hard. You're you know, you break up with somebody, 149 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 2: you're not a relationship with them, and you still have 150 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 2: to see them all the time. You still have to 151 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 2: you know, work with them. You're you're you know, you're 152 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:50,240 Speaker 2: you're making decisions together and and and that's not always easy, 153 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 2: especially when you know sometimes the decisions aren't something you 154 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,360 Speaker 2: know that that you both agree on, you know, And 155 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 2: I think that was that was hard on both of 156 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,199 Speaker 2: us because then where's the compromise, you know, like how 157 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,200 Speaker 2: do you compromise? And in some way we found our 158 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,240 Speaker 2: way through it, and it wasn't always fun. It wasn't 159 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:12,079 Speaker 2: always pleasant, but like I said that, our kids are 160 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,240 Speaker 2: you know, on the other side of it, our kids 161 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 2: turned out really wonderful, and I feel like they needed 162 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:21,280 Speaker 2: both of us. You know, they really did a benefit 163 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 2: from having both of us. And I always felt that 164 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 2: like if you're if the parents are okay, then the 165 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:31,360 Speaker 2: kids will be okay. You know. So like like when 166 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,360 Speaker 2: if we were had tension, I feel like the kids 167 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:36,360 Speaker 2: felt it. So I was always trying to keep that 168 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 2: away from them. You know. It wasn't always successful, but 169 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 2: like when we're in agreement, that always felt like, you know, 170 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,880 Speaker 2: even if they weren't in agreement with our decision, there 171 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,719 Speaker 2: was a there was a power dynamic that mom and 172 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:53,200 Speaker 2: dad are coming together on this issue. That that was 173 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 2: that felt you know, unified and felt good. You know. 174 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,520 Speaker 1: Do you recall any times when the girls pitted us 175 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:02,440 Speaker 1: against one another? 176 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:07,880 Speaker 2: I mean I recall, like with our youngest when there 177 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,720 Speaker 2: were times when we were both unified and something. We 178 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,440 Speaker 2: both sat down with her and she was like she 179 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,959 Speaker 2: hated that. She was like, this isn't how it works, 180 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,560 Speaker 2: because she liked being able to kind of pit us 181 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 2: against each other where you know in some ways she'll 182 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,920 Speaker 2: still do it now in some ways where she'll you know, 183 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:28,640 Speaker 2: come to my house and it'll be great, and then 184 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:32,360 Speaker 2: I'll hear from like our middle daughter Lola, that she'll 185 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,760 Speaker 2: say something like, oh, well, she said she was kind 186 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,959 Speaker 2: of sad and depressed, and I'm like, why would she 187 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,839 Speaker 2: say that? We had a great week together? And then 188 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,200 Speaker 2: you'll hear she was kind of sad and depressed, but 189 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,679 Speaker 2: it's really because she wanted to go to a party, 190 00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:44,720 Speaker 2: and she's kind of playing you, you know, to go 191 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:45,360 Speaker 2: to this party. 192 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 1: I think a lot more than yeah. 193 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 2: Yeah. So you know, it's hard because it's like they do, 194 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,679 Speaker 2: they do play play us against each other. And I 195 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,240 Speaker 2: think that where we could have done better or I 196 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,680 Speaker 2: could have done better, probably is communicating more, you know, 197 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 2: because we spend a lot of time texting back and forth, 198 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,520 Speaker 2: and the textings. 199 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,080 Speaker 1: So many texts. 200 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,200 Speaker 2: Was like, you know, there's a key and Peel skit. 201 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,560 Speaker 2: I don't know if you ever saw it, but like 202 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,000 Speaker 2: you know, in the skit, they'll be like, hey, I'm 203 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 2: coming over and the other person will be like whatever, 204 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 2: and I'll be like whatever. 205 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 1: Oh yes, yes, And so you can really read it, 206 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:25,320 Speaker 1: really can. 207 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:28,360 Speaker 2: Read into he didn't put a period there? Or why 208 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,319 Speaker 2: is it? And caps when my phone just like, really. 209 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:35,240 Speaker 1: I know how you talk so well, like I understand 210 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 1: our kidence together and even our sense of humor. So 211 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,920 Speaker 1: I hear you when I read the text most of 212 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 1: the times. 213 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,920 Speaker 2: But I think that's dangerous too though, sometimes because sometimes 214 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,600 Speaker 2: I might be meaning it a completely different way, and 215 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 2: you too, like and I think, listen, we haven't really 216 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 2: spoken a lot about life about stuff in years, so 217 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 2: I honestly don't know me. I don't know, and I 218 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,120 Speaker 2: don't think you know me. And yet it's like when 219 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:07,520 Speaker 2: you go home and you're with like your mom or 220 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:10,360 Speaker 2: your dad or you know, your your sisters, and they 221 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:13,320 Speaker 2: just treat you like you're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, like you 222 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,320 Speaker 2: know the time they saw you last, when you were younger, 223 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:20,160 Speaker 2: And so there's this feeling of like, oh, I know 224 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,840 Speaker 2: her because we were together for so long, but you've 225 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:28,160 Speaker 2: grown into this mature, wonderful adult woman and I've grown 226 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,000 Speaker 2: and so you know, but when we look at each other, 227 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 2: we still look at each other like the twenty one, 228 00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:35,200 Speaker 2: twenty two year old version of each other. So like 229 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 2: that becomes dangerous, you know, because we're always kind of 230 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,880 Speaker 2: reading into things or looking at things, and I think 231 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,880 Speaker 2: that if we were, you know, And it's hard because 232 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:48,000 Speaker 2: there's a lot of well, if I get into if 233 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,440 Speaker 2: I jump on the phone, I don't want to get 234 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:50,839 Speaker 2: into an argument. I don't want to it the room 235 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,840 Speaker 2: my day. I don't want to. So you end up 236 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,440 Speaker 2: texting back and forth thinking that you're, you know, trying 237 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,440 Speaker 2: not to get but then you end up arguing back 238 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,880 Speaker 2: and forth on a text. There's a lot of wasted 239 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:01,600 Speaker 2: time and energy. 240 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,640 Speaker 1: We wasted so much time trying to prove our points 241 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 1: to one another, and I think one must regret that. 242 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,840 Speaker 2: When we when we got together and we ever talked 243 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,960 Speaker 2: it through, it was like, oh, she's not really attacking me. 244 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:16,400 Speaker 2: You know. 245 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,959 Speaker 1: I want to ask you just because this is a 246 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:23,760 Speaker 1: huge deal when you break up with your family and 247 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:26,560 Speaker 1: then you have the kids every other week, and our 248 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,440 Speaker 1: kids were little, so they it was full time. I 249 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 1: remember we lived up north at that time. I had 250 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,720 Speaker 1: moved up there because you were traveling a lot for work, 251 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,079 Speaker 1: and you had to actually rent a house up there 252 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 1: for your off weeks. Do you remember that. 253 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,160 Speaker 2: I don't even remember that. 254 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:48,559 Speaker 1: You don't remember renting that house up that beautiful house 255 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,800 Speaker 1: with the view, and you literally never stayed in it. 256 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,400 Speaker 1: Probably why I don't remember it, because the girls didn't 257 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: want to go to it. 258 00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:56,840 Speaker 2: I don't remember it. 259 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,240 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I remember. 260 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,800 Speaker 2: I think I remember what I remember. We had an 261 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,839 Speaker 2: r V and so I spent I would. I would 262 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,600 Speaker 2: stay in the r V when I went up there. 263 00:14:07,559 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 2: I don't remember a house. 264 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:11,760 Speaker 1: I remember the RV. That's where we broke up. Yeah, 265 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:15,120 Speaker 1: that's the RV's where you told me it was over. 266 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,760 Speaker 2: I think in the r V. 267 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,560 Speaker 1: In the RV, that's why we sold that RV. Well, yeah, 268 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:26,520 Speaker 1: for me, glad you don't remember. But how did you, like, 269 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,800 Speaker 1: because you were in pain and healing in your own 270 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,520 Speaker 1: way from a breakup, how did you do that when 271 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,280 Speaker 1: you with the kids, when you had the kids or 272 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:35,760 Speaker 1: when you didn't. 273 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,960 Speaker 2: I mean I when I had the kids, I just 274 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,080 Speaker 2: made it about them, right, you know? And I think 275 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 2: that's was me trying to shield it from them, like 276 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,320 Speaker 2: I'm okay, you know what I mean? Because look, I 277 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:52,080 Speaker 2: think that there's no manual for for for parenting, you 278 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,640 Speaker 2: know what I mean? And that's it's really hard you 279 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 2: get you have a kid. I'm twenty one years old 280 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:56,960 Speaker 2: and you're like, well, what do I do? You know, 281 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,160 Speaker 2: so you just look at what like your parents did. 282 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,800 Speaker 2: And like my my mom, I never knew if she 283 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 2: was happy or sad or you know, she didn't really 284 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:08,880 Speaker 2: show her emotions. She kind of just made it about me, 285 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,040 Speaker 2: you know what I mean, like how was my day? 286 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:14,120 Speaker 2: And so she was always like a rock. And so 287 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 2: I kind of tried to model that for the kids. 288 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,920 Speaker 2: And you're more of like, hey, it's okay for the 289 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 2: kids to see emotions, yeah, show you know, And I 290 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,040 Speaker 2: think that's part of your upbringing. So like that's I. 291 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,840 Speaker 1: Think one of the biggest differences in our parenting styles. 292 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,600 Speaker 1: And I knew that early on. I remember going to 293 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,440 Speaker 1: your house in Queens and Noni Bruna your mom. I 294 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,960 Speaker 1: remember it was so much energy, the Italian dinners in 295 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: the family, and I was not used to that. I 296 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 1: come from a really quiet family, and I remember just 297 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,200 Speaker 1: being over. I was pregnant also so feeling those like 298 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,600 Speaker 1: we weren't married and it was in this Catholic home, 299 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,280 Speaker 1: like the illegitimate baby mama, like it felt very weird. 300 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 1: So I remember there was one point when I just 301 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,080 Speaker 1: couldn't hold it anymore. My emotions came out, and I 302 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 1: remember NONI come back to the girls room where we 303 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,320 Speaker 1: would stay, and she was like, it's okay, don't cry. 304 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 1: Don't cry, like she said, don't cry, don't cry, And 305 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,800 Speaker 1: for me, I was like, what do you mean don't cry? 306 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,400 Speaker 1: Like I have to cry to get this out. So 307 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,600 Speaker 1: you're like that difference in our upbringing was so apparent, 308 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:18,320 Speaker 1: and it really did cross over into our parenting styles 309 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:22,280 Speaker 1: because you are much more what's the word, when you're 310 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,920 Speaker 1: not as emotional, not that you're not emotional, but like 311 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:25,640 Speaker 1: you're much more. 312 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 2: I try to stay stronger so that my whatever I'm 313 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,480 Speaker 2: going through doesn't affect them. And so when they came 314 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 2: over to the house, it was more about how they're feeling, 315 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:37,280 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it wasn't like I 316 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,560 Speaker 2: was suppressing their feelings. It was more of me not 317 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,480 Speaker 2: you know, showing them how happy, you know, sad about 318 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 2: them not being there. 319 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: I really tried to do that. You know, you you. 320 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:52,080 Speaker 2: Always yeah, but it's your you know how you were raised, 321 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:53,920 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I think that, like I said, 322 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,920 Speaker 2: they kind of benefited from both. You know. They looked 323 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,800 Speaker 2: at it and it was like it's okay to express 324 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 2: emotions and it's okay to be wrong, you know. I 325 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:05,440 Speaker 2: mean we had also I felt like sometimes we differed 326 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 2: in and like parenting in the sense that, you know, 327 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:14,320 Speaker 2: when I saw the kids uncomfortable about something, I looked 328 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 2: at it as an opportunity for them to grow through it, right, 329 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,320 Speaker 2: And you still do. We still deal with this because 330 00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:22,040 Speaker 2: you hate when they're uncomfortable. You just want to make 331 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,240 Speaker 2: them feel good all the time and hug them and 332 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:27,399 Speaker 2: love them. And that's a beautiful trait. And and so 333 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,480 Speaker 2: we would clash on that because I'm like, you know, 334 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,600 Speaker 2: when we were together, I remember it was a little 335 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:36,119 Speaker 2: easier because, like, you know, we're trying to it's just 336 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,600 Speaker 2: easy when you're together and you're just supporting each other. 337 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:42,040 Speaker 2: And there were times when our youngest, our oldest, Luca, 338 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,080 Speaker 2: you know, it's five, and you say she's not making 339 00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:46,960 Speaker 2: any friends. You got to go help her make friends. 340 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 2: I go over. I'd be like, hey, this is Luca Belli. 341 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,879 Speaker 2: You know you need to you should be friends with her. 342 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,919 Speaker 2: And so and then as she got older, it was 343 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,680 Speaker 2: like she didn't develop the skill set to like make 344 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,639 Speaker 2: friends because I was the one making friends for us. 345 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:02,080 Speaker 2: So like you know, when I was younger, it was 346 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 2: more of an approach of with my parents of like 347 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:09,359 Speaker 2: letting me fall and then you know, letting me get 348 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 2: up and if they needed me, you know, if they 349 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,600 Speaker 2: if I really needed them, they were there. But they 350 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,720 Speaker 2: let me, you know, grow through things, you know what 351 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,200 Speaker 2: I mean. And you had a mom and dad who 352 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:22,639 Speaker 2: just there all the time celebrating you, and like, I 353 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,840 Speaker 2: always loved it. I think we had two extremes, you know, 354 00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:29,760 Speaker 2: our upbringings. Our brains were like I could have used 355 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:33,200 Speaker 2: a little bit of more of the parent to love nursing. 356 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,919 Speaker 2: And like, you know, I had my first job. I 357 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,679 Speaker 2: was twelve years old. I was a paper boy. I 358 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,760 Speaker 2: was like delivering papers to the neighborhood and I worked 359 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,520 Speaker 2: seven days a week, you know what I mean. So 360 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,639 Speaker 2: like having a job is what I knew at an 361 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,840 Speaker 2: early age. I wanted to instill let my kids and like, 362 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,720 Speaker 2: you know, if they were uncomfortable out things, and you 363 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,119 Speaker 2: would call me and be like, well, so and so 364 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,880 Speaker 2: is bothering them at school, and I'd be like, let's 365 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,679 Speaker 2: give them tools to like, you know, get through it. 366 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:03,080 Speaker 2: And you're you know, it's not something wrong, it's just 367 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,479 Speaker 2: your ideology is more like, let's let's fix it for them, 368 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:11,480 Speaker 2: Let's help them, you know, in the sense of making 369 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,919 Speaker 2: this space comfortable for them so they can grow, you know. 370 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,040 Speaker 2: So I think we still deal with that sometimes, you know. 371 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:23,760 Speaker 2: But again I think that there's two having the two 372 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:29,639 Speaker 2: parenting styles somehow works because we have such incredible children. 373 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,520 Speaker 1: What does co parenting mean to you, like in general? 374 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,840 Speaker 2: Like, I mean, it's tough. 375 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:43,800 Speaker 1: What does it take? 376 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:51,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, it takes. It takes patience, It takes it takes 377 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:54,920 Speaker 2: a lot of and again we could have been better 378 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,959 Speaker 2: at it, and I still try to be better at it. 379 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,200 Speaker 2: A lot of trying to understand where the other it's 380 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,360 Speaker 2: coming from, because I think when we had a passion 381 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 2: for something, you know, about something our kids were going through, 382 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:12,879 Speaker 2: and we understood, you know, where you were coming from 383 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,960 Speaker 2: and where I was coming from, even if we didn't 384 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:19,439 Speaker 2: agree on the you know, end result of it, there 385 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,320 Speaker 2: was a compassion there that that I think helped us 386 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:26,280 Speaker 2: through it, you know what I mean. So it takes compassion, 387 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 2: it takes understanding, it takes I think also when you're divorced, 388 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,920 Speaker 2: there's a feeling of am I a good parent? Maybe 389 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,360 Speaker 2: the other person's a better parent, and it flips flops. 390 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,359 Speaker 2: I feel like you feel that way too, I'm not wrong, 391 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,359 Speaker 2: like and wanting to the other parent of go, hey, 392 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 2: I'm a good parent too, and so you're always trying 393 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:49,000 Speaker 2: to prove to the other parent, know I'm I'm Yeah. 394 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,399 Speaker 1: There was a lot of that for us, because I 395 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 1: would send them to you and I would think they 396 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:55,560 Speaker 1: weren't being taken care of well enough or to my 397 00:20:55,640 --> 00:21:00,480 Speaker 1: standards or whatever it was. But then just I would 398 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 1: have to step back from that because like you were 399 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,840 Speaker 1: doing the best you could and giving them all the 400 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,120 Speaker 1: things that you knew to give them. 401 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:09,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, Like it was hard because when I drop them 402 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,040 Speaker 2: off to your house, I'm like, they're with their mom 403 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,520 Speaker 2: and I know they're safe and they're comfortable and if 404 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:17,080 Speaker 2: they need me, I'm here. And I think in the beginning, 405 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:19,520 Speaker 2: a lot of it was like are you picking up 406 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,439 Speaker 2: Fiona at school? Are you are you feeding her this? 407 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:25,600 Speaker 2: And so there was a lot of like safeguard and 408 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,160 Speaker 2: I was like, I got it, I got it covered, 409 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 2: don't worry. 410 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:29,840 Speaker 1: I think that's what led us to I remember there 411 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:33,679 Speaker 1: was a point for us when you, in one of 412 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:38,200 Speaker 1: our many texts exchange, you said leave me alone. I'll 413 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,439 Speaker 1: do it my way, you do it your way. And 414 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,760 Speaker 1: those were points where we would just reach a point 415 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,919 Speaker 1: where we couldn't communicate anymore. Those walls you know, we're up. 416 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,719 Speaker 2: Well, it's hard when I'm trying to parent and like 417 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:53,160 Speaker 2: I feel like I'm always being looked over, like I'm 418 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,679 Speaker 2: not doing it well or not doing it right, you know, 419 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,040 Speaker 2: And it's like I need to be able to have 420 00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:01,480 Speaker 2: the space to parent my own way. And then you know, 421 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,600 Speaker 2: we have to come together on obviously certain terms of 422 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,440 Speaker 2: certain rules and stuff. And it always helped when we 423 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,159 Speaker 2: had the same rules in the same house. So it 424 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,640 Speaker 2: wasn't like here's chocolate and candy, you know what I mean. 425 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:15,520 Speaker 2: But it wasn't that. It was just always like I 426 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,359 Speaker 2: think you were a little nervous that I was going 427 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,080 Speaker 2: to be late, or I was gonna pick up Fiona 428 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,720 Speaker 2: on time, or do you know, don't forget you has 429 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,720 Speaker 2: soccer or don't forget And I was like, I have 430 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,000 Speaker 2: the calendar, I've got it. 431 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:24,199 Speaker 1: You know. 432 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:25,760 Speaker 2: There's a lot of uh. 433 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,359 Speaker 1: Yeah, then you were text me like ten minutes before going, 434 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:29,159 Speaker 1: wait where do I go? 435 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:35,119 Speaker 2: Yeah? Sometimes, but yeah, it takes listen again, when you 436 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:39,960 Speaker 2: break up with someone and then you still have this immense, 437 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:46,320 Speaker 2: tremendous responsibility with them. It's you have to put everything 438 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:49,920 Speaker 2: aside to like to work together. And there's still a 439 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,160 Speaker 2: lot of pain there in the relationship not working out. 440 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,080 Speaker 2: A lot of feeling like if you failed the kids, 441 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,320 Speaker 2: or you know, we failed the kids in some way, 442 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 2: and a lot of feelings of like, you know, my 443 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,720 Speaker 2: way is right, your way is wrong, your way is right, 444 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,760 Speaker 2: my way is wrong, and so like. But waiting through 445 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:15,199 Speaker 2: all of that and going, well, what's best for them, 446 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,520 Speaker 2: you know, not not what makes me feel like a 447 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,960 Speaker 2: good parent or feels you feel like a good parent, 448 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:24,240 Speaker 2: What's what's really best for them? And and and it's hard, 449 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,639 Speaker 2: but it's like, I think what we were good a 450 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:30,720 Speaker 2: is we loved our kids so much, you know that 451 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:34,520 Speaker 2: we were somehow able to like get to a point 452 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 2: where you know, even if we didn't agree, they were okay. 453 00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:40,880 Speaker 2: You know. I also think kids are resilient. They're very 454 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:45,480 Speaker 2: resilient in the sense that we felt like, well, if 455 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:49,600 Speaker 2: I lose this point, they're gonna be messed up for life, 456 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,399 Speaker 2: or you know, if I give in on this, and 457 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:56,280 Speaker 2: and and they go to this school and you want 458 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,560 Speaker 2: them to go to that school that they're gonna their 459 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,000 Speaker 2: whole life is gonna be, and it's not. I think 460 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:04,000 Speaker 2: that they're going to have their lessons in that whatever 461 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,400 Speaker 2: they're going through, and they're going to grow from that experience. 462 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:10,440 Speaker 2: And so I never looked at it like, well, maybe 463 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,680 Speaker 2: if they went here and they didn't go there, they'd 464 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:16,520 Speaker 2: end up differently because they have a way of ending 465 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:17,600 Speaker 2: it where they're supposed to be. 466 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,400 Speaker 1: Always that's how life works. Yes, But I think that 467 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:25,399 Speaker 1: when you are a child of divorce, your younger years 468 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,080 Speaker 1: are so much more challenging. There's just so much more 469 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,679 Speaker 1: going on in your head and your heart, you know, 470 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:36,600 Speaker 1: conflict and questions and being uncertain, you know. I think 471 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,879 Speaker 1: that there's so much that they have to process, and 472 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,320 Speaker 1: that I mean for most people that I've talked to, 473 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,479 Speaker 1: if you're a child of divorce, that's something that is 474 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,080 Speaker 1: in you for the rest of your life. It's so 475 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,159 Speaker 1: when you say I think kids are resilient, I agree 476 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,200 Speaker 1: with you on some level, But I also think that I. 477 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,760 Speaker 2: Think that goes back to our ideologies because like I 478 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:59,919 Speaker 2: think that that uncomfortableness that they carry made them strong 479 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:01,320 Speaker 2: to be who they are. 480 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,520 Speaker 1: I'm not arguing that, No, absolutely, I agree with you. 481 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:08,040 Speaker 1: I think every challenge that we all go through takes 482 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:10,119 Speaker 1: us to the next step, to the next step, to 483 00:25:10,119 --> 00:25:13,919 Speaker 1: the next step of our evolution and are growing And 484 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,720 Speaker 1: I think that. But I think that when kids are 485 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:20,120 Speaker 1: put in the position of being children of divorce, you're 486 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 1: adding in something that they didn't create. So their natural 487 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:31,040 Speaker 1: like story, life journey takes the left turn or right turn. 488 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:35,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm big on the story of it all 489 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:39,280 Speaker 2: because like, whatever story you create for them is the 490 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,000 Speaker 2: story they're going to believe. And I always felt that 491 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,199 Speaker 2: what maybe we could have done better is creating a 492 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:50,800 Speaker 2: universal story of that would have been more beneficial to them. Like, 493 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,760 Speaker 2: like I'll give you an example. My dad works seven 494 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:57,320 Speaker 2: days a week. You know, I didn't see him Monday 495 00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,640 Speaker 2: through Friday at all. He left in the morning at 496 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,800 Speaker 2: nine am. I went to school at six at seven am, 497 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,600 Speaker 2: so I went to school before he woke up. And 498 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:08,800 Speaker 2: then he would come home at two am, so I 499 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:12,520 Speaker 2: didn't see him. And on Saturdays he worked, so I 500 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,800 Speaker 2: saw him in the mornings and then I saw him 501 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,200 Speaker 2: on Sunday. That's all that's I saw. So I saw 502 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,399 Speaker 2: my dad one day week. And if I had a 503 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,600 Speaker 2: mom who was just like, your dad's never here, he's 504 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,439 Speaker 2: never around. I'm doing everything around here, I would have 505 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,960 Speaker 2: hated my dad. But I had a mom who was 506 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,239 Speaker 2: always like, your dad's working so hard for us, your 507 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,879 Speaker 2: dad's putting food on the table. Your dad, you know, 508 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,640 Speaker 2: work hard, because your dad works hard, and you got 509 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,960 Speaker 2: you know, he's going to be proud of you. And 510 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,600 Speaker 2: and so this tape that I was hearing, my dad 511 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,879 Speaker 2: was a superhero to me. And I never was angry 512 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,080 Speaker 2: at him for not being around. I looked at him 513 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,879 Speaker 2: as as this role model of like somebody who like 514 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,960 Speaker 2: gave up a lot for his family. And I feel like, 515 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,680 Speaker 2: you know, so that the tape we play for our 516 00:26:56,800 --> 00:27:01,040 Speaker 2: kids of like, you know, a lot of times we 517 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:03,720 Speaker 2: would villainize each other, you know, and and it would 518 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,160 Speaker 2: just be there, not in the sense that we've villainize 519 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,200 Speaker 2: each other in front of our kids, but like they 520 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,119 Speaker 2: could tell if there's tension there or like you're in 521 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,480 Speaker 2: a disagreement with me, or I'm in disagreement with you, 522 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,520 Speaker 2: and they feel it, and like you know, his mom, right, 523 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,760 Speaker 2: and then you're putting them in a position. We're putting 524 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:22,640 Speaker 2: them in positions to like choose sides and so like, yes, 525 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:27,960 Speaker 2: there's a something they carry, and I don't come from 526 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,679 Speaker 2: divorced parents, so I don't know what that would be. 527 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:37,760 Speaker 2: But I always felt like if you and I stayed unified, 528 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 2: if you and I could could get along, if you 529 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:44,440 Speaker 2: and I, you know, could work together, and they saw 530 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 2: that there was still love there, you know, and even 531 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,960 Speaker 2: though we weren't in this relationship, that they could walk 532 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,399 Speaker 2: away going you know, with the story of mom and 533 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 2: dad are still in each in our corners. Maybe they're 534 00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:00,480 Speaker 2: not together, but they're in our corners, and and then 535 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,800 Speaker 2: they would grow from a more positive experience out of 536 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,000 Speaker 2: it instead of like is bad. 537 00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:08,360 Speaker 1: I agree with you. I do agree with you. I 538 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:10,800 Speaker 1: think that we're talking about two different things that I 539 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:15,480 Speaker 1: think we're talking about the psychological impact of a divorce 540 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:18,440 Speaker 1: on a young child and how it progresses to the 541 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:20,359 Speaker 1: rest of our life. And I think we're also talking 542 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:24,720 Speaker 1: about the story or trying to model for your kids. 543 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:30,080 Speaker 1: And I think that what you're saying is absolutely true. Actually, 544 00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:32,000 Speaker 1: it was making me a little feel a little emotional 545 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,919 Speaker 1: while you were talking about that, because I know I 546 00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:37,919 Speaker 1: could have been better about that, and I know, you know, 547 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:40,200 Speaker 1: I could have been better about that, and that's hard 548 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:45,080 Speaker 1: for me because I did my best, but sometimes my 549 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:50,120 Speaker 1: best wasn't the best, you know, and I acknowledge that, 550 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:54,120 Speaker 1: and like it pains me now to see that that 551 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:59,160 Speaker 1: I created something there for us to deal with, for 552 00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:02,600 Speaker 1: them to deal with because of my just my pain 553 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,120 Speaker 1: or whatever it was. Like I said, we haven't really 554 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:05,760 Speaker 1: talked about. 555 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:09,520 Speaker 2: Anything, but here's the thing, like even though you might 556 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:12,120 Speaker 2: have felt that, and you feel that now and like 557 00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:15,640 Speaker 2: you know, yeah, we went through that, Like I know that. 558 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:17,920 Speaker 2: Our daughter Lola today was like I'm so I'm so 559 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:21,040 Speaker 2: excited for your mom to talk about because they're because 560 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:25,959 Speaker 2: they know that. You know, our kids really like I mean, 561 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 2: knock on wood, they're they're just so incredible, you know 562 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,480 Speaker 2: what I mean. Like I'm so proud of them. They're 563 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:35,000 Speaker 2: so smart, they're so like our daughter's twenty and like 564 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 2: she doesn't even like to like drink, she doesn't go 565 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:40,719 Speaker 2: out partying. She's like very like focused on what she 566 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,200 Speaker 2: wants out of life. Like I mean, I didn't have 567 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 2: it all together at twenty, you know what I mean. 568 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,959 Speaker 2: The way our kids have it together, and our oldest 569 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,320 Speaker 2: daughter too, you know, is. You know, she went off 570 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,440 Speaker 2: to New York at twenty three or twenty four and 571 00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:58,000 Speaker 2: on her own, you know, got an apartment on our own, 572 00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,480 Speaker 2: got a job on her own, and was able to 573 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:04,880 Speaker 2: like you know, be autonomous and like we were always 574 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:07,560 Speaker 2: there for her, but she didn't, you know, she was 575 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:09,960 Speaker 2: able to take care of herself and to this day 576 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:12,400 Speaker 2: still is. And like I look at that and I'm like, well, 577 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:14,600 Speaker 2: we most have done something right, because you know, a 578 00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 2: lot of kids today, if they grow up and they're 579 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:21,320 Speaker 2: too reliant on their parents, they don't leave the house 580 00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:23,600 Speaker 2: till live thirty. You know. I know a lot of 581 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:27,720 Speaker 2: friends whose kids are just like still kind of kicking around, 582 00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:33,840 Speaker 2: not knowing partying or you know, getting into drugs or like, 583 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,160 Speaker 2: we were really blessed with our kids that they they 584 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:41,040 Speaker 2: just grew up so wonderful. And I think it. You know, 585 00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:44,400 Speaker 2: I can't. I can't sit here and say we did 586 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:48,960 Speaker 2: a terrible job when our kids are so good, because 587 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:54,360 Speaker 2: I really think that, you know, whatever happened, you know, yes, 588 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 2: there were things we could have dealt with better on 589 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:01,720 Speaker 2: both ends, but like they really benefited from from both 590 00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:05,520 Speaker 2: both worlds. You know, I think, I think when you're 591 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:08,959 Speaker 2: co parenting too, if you got if if they're parents 592 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:11,560 Speaker 2: out there that are getting divorced, if they could put 593 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:14,800 Speaker 2: you know, I was going to ask you all of 594 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,600 Speaker 2: that pain aside and and the differences aside, and try 595 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:22,440 Speaker 2: to keep the front unified and get on the phone 596 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:25,640 Speaker 2: and and and if you have a disagreement or don't 597 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:29,040 Speaker 2: see eye on something, texting isn't going to help, you, 598 00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:31,959 Speaker 2: know what I mean. I think both of us felt like, oh, 599 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,920 Speaker 2: I don't want to rock the apple cart, and like 600 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:39,760 Speaker 2: call and rock the boat, tip the apple car, knock 601 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:40,720 Speaker 2: the boat. 602 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:43,520 Speaker 1: Spill the go ahead. 603 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:49,160 Speaker 2: This is why we got divorce. Don't text because because 604 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:51,560 Speaker 2: because when you when you can talk to the other person, 605 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,320 Speaker 2: as hard as it is. No, but that's the thing 606 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:56,240 Speaker 2: when you're when you're divorced, you don't want to have 607 00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:58,240 Speaker 2: to talk to the other person, you know what I mean, 608 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:00,600 Speaker 2: And you want to talk as little as possible, but 609 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:03,520 Speaker 2: you have to when you have kids involved. 610 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:05,680 Speaker 1: You have you have I know, did you, like I 611 00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:08,520 Speaker 1: said before, you never looked at me and thought I'm 612 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:12,040 Speaker 1: going to be bound to this person for the rest 613 00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:15,240 Speaker 1: of my life by having children with her. 614 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,360 Speaker 2: No, I mean, when you don't really think of it. 615 00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:22,800 Speaker 2: I mean when you're when you listen. When we had 616 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:27,160 Speaker 2: our first child, I wasn't thinking about you know, life, 617 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,000 Speaker 2: I was twenty one years old. I was thinking about 618 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:33,560 Speaker 2: the moments, you know, and we came together very fast, 619 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:38,840 Speaker 2: very fierce, was very you know quick, and then I 620 00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 2: remember thinking, well, let's move in together and see how 621 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,120 Speaker 2: it goes. And then it kind of just went. Like 622 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:46,360 Speaker 2: five years went by, and I thought, well, we should 623 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:47,800 Speaker 2: get married, and then we got married, and then we 624 00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:49,400 Speaker 2: had another kid, and then it felt like it was 625 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:51,880 Speaker 2: almost like an arranged marriage in a way, and things 626 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:56,520 Speaker 2: seemed well, and you know, you know, we we had 627 00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:59,720 Speaker 2: disagreements here and there, but it was like I think 628 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:00,200 Speaker 2: it was so. 629 00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:10,520 Speaker 1: We were really young, we really did create a special family. Yeah, 630 00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:14,560 Speaker 1: like whatever was going on between you and I really 631 00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:17,920 Speaker 1: felt separate a lot of the time. And then our 632 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:20,520 Speaker 1: little happy family dwelling. 633 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,600 Speaker 2: Well, I think we were able to shield it more 634 00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:25,560 Speaker 2: from the kids. And also I don't think I spoke 635 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:27,080 Speaker 2: up as much, you know what I mean, because I 636 00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:30,520 Speaker 2: was younger, I hadn't really formed my own identity of 637 00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,600 Speaker 2: who I was yet, and so I just felt like, well, 638 00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:36,320 Speaker 2: I'll just be what everybody needs me to be and 639 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:38,400 Speaker 2: I think that, you know, it's time went bio. I 640 00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:40,080 Speaker 2: was like, well, I don't even know who I am anymore, 641 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:42,040 Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Like I kind of fell 642 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:45,719 Speaker 2: into your world because you had more of an established world. 643 00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:49,320 Speaker 2: And that was tough because I remember we had a 644 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:53,520 Speaker 2: beautiful house, but like you know, I didn't have anything 645 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:55,840 Speaker 2: on the walls that I felt like was mine. I 646 00:33:55,880 --> 00:34:00,040 Speaker 2: felt like I was like supporting this life that it 647 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:04,000 Speaker 2: was yours that I didn't like. When we got divorced, 648 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,840 Speaker 2: I didn't know what furniture to put in my house. 649 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:10,279 Speaker 2: I didn't even know what color I wanted to paint 650 00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:12,480 Speaker 2: the walls. I was like, I don't, I don't know. 651 00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:17,759 Speaker 2: I had to really find me, you know what I mean, 652 00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:22,160 Speaker 2: because I was so for so many years living this, 653 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:27,400 Speaker 2: you know, for being a dad, living these parts, you know, 654 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:29,760 Speaker 2: being a husband, being a dad, being this perfect family, 655 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:33,879 Speaker 2: and so I never really fully got in touch with 656 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,160 Speaker 2: and I didn't really have time to. I mean, I 657 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:40,120 Speaker 2: went from my mom and dad's house, moved to l A. 658 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:45,520 Speaker 2: You know, I had been working on projects, and within 659 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:50,200 Speaker 2: six months we were having a baby. So you know, 660 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:55,640 Speaker 2: I didn't fully have the I didn't I didn't have 661 00:34:55,680 --> 00:34:58,000 Speaker 2: a sense of who I was, and so I was 662 00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:01,880 Speaker 2: just trying to be all these things for other people, 663 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:06,279 Speaker 2: you know. So when that fell apart, it took me 664 00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:08,319 Speaker 2: time to try to, you know, get in touch with 665 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:12,719 Speaker 2: me and what I liked and what do I want 666 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:15,560 Speaker 2: for dinner? I don't know. You know, do you. 667 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:18,360 Speaker 1: Remember that being like a main part of your decision 668 00:35:20,239 --> 00:35:24,880 Speaker 1: to get a divorce, like that you felt like, I 669 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:29,080 Speaker 1: need to find myself. I need to be able to 670 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:31,719 Speaker 1: express myself. I'm not not able to do that in 671 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:32,560 Speaker 1: this marriage. 672 00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:37,080 Speaker 2: I felt that. Yeah, I felt a lot of it 673 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:40,920 Speaker 2: was like I was in this marriage and it felt 674 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:42,840 Speaker 2: to me a little bit like an arranged marriage, you 675 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,360 Speaker 2: know what I mean. Like I loved you, and we 676 00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:49,360 Speaker 2: had this beautiful family on you know, from the outside, 677 00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:53,279 Speaker 2: but I just was I hadn't hadn't developed who I was, 678 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:56,440 Speaker 2: So like, how could you love me? I don't even 679 00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:58,640 Speaker 2: know how you could love me because I didn't know me, 680 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:01,880 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I was whatever you needed 681 00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:04,279 Speaker 2: me to be, Like like sometimes you would we would 682 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:06,440 Speaker 2: drive up to your mom's house, and I was the 683 00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:09,480 Speaker 2: guy who drove, you know, I planned the vacations, I 684 00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:14,000 Speaker 2: was the dad. I was the soccer coach I was, 685 00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:15,680 Speaker 2: and then I go play parts and I was this 686 00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:18,879 Speaker 2: other person playing parts, and so I was just like, well, 687 00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:23,120 Speaker 2: I never got the fully develop me. I didn't know 688 00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:26,640 Speaker 2: who I was, and so I needed to figure that out, 689 00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:27,040 Speaker 2: you know. 690 00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,160 Speaker 1: And you didn't feel like you. 691 00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:30,319 Speaker 2: I didn't feel like I had the space to do it, 692 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:34,319 Speaker 2: to do that within the marriage. No, So I think 693 00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,399 Speaker 2: that was a big part of it, because I felt 694 00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:38,600 Speaker 2: like time was going by and I didn't want to 695 00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:40,719 Speaker 2: wake up and be like sixty years old and feel like, 696 00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:45,359 Speaker 2: well did I live this life for all these other 697 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:49,320 Speaker 2: people and not know who I was. I just needed 698 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,200 Speaker 2: to go sort that, you know what I mean. And 699 00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:54,440 Speaker 2: I think I listened. It was all all part of 700 00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:59,840 Speaker 2: just you know, you you had already been established and 701 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,200 Speaker 2: working since you were fifteen, so like by the time 702 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:06,279 Speaker 2: you were twenty two, I was young, but like we 703 00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,000 Speaker 2: were in different places, you know what I mean, We're 704 00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:11,160 Speaker 2: just in different places. At twenty two, you were already 705 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:15,400 Speaker 2: eight seven years, eight years into you know, your show 706 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:18,920 Speaker 2: and almost wanting to retire, and I was just like, no, 707 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:24,440 Speaker 2: I'm just starting. I want to explore you my career, 708 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:28,279 Speaker 2: my craft, and I just it was it was just 709 00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:31,879 Speaker 2: also timing, you know, I mean of where we were, I. 710 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,360 Speaker 1: Mean, considering all of that. We really did last a 711 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:39,920 Speaker 1: long time. I think because of the children, yea, you know, 712 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:40,719 Speaker 1: we kept having. 713 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,800 Speaker 2: I think that if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't 714 00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:47,320 Speaker 2: have stayed because I would have had the freedom to go, Okay, 715 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:50,000 Speaker 2: I need to be able to figure out who I am, 716 00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:50,600 Speaker 2: you know. 717 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:53,319 Speaker 1: I think though, if you love someone and you are 718 00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:55,920 Speaker 1: in a family, Like I'm not trying to debate your 719 00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:59,600 Speaker 1: decision at all, because I everything's great now, but like 720 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:03,560 Speaker 1: I think, if you can ultimately grow and find yourself 721 00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:06,879 Speaker 1: in a relationship rather than saying I need to leave 722 00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:09,760 Speaker 1: my family to figure that out. 723 00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:11,360 Speaker 2: There was there's part of me, listen, and I was 724 00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:13,239 Speaker 2: very conflicted. There was part of me that was like 725 00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:16,480 Speaker 2: do I stay in this? Do I do I do I, 726 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:21,120 Speaker 2: you know, leave it. I also felt gutted to like 727 00:38:21,239 --> 00:38:26,239 Speaker 2: break up family apart. You know. It was it was 728 00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:29,120 Speaker 2: It wasn't an easy decision by any means. It was. 729 00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:32,719 Speaker 2: It was a decision that I felt like I kind 730 00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:36,840 Speaker 2: of had to make, and I feel, like, you know you, 731 00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:39,280 Speaker 2: looking back, I feel like it was the right decision 732 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,120 Speaker 2: because what you don't want to do is stay in 733 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:44,799 Speaker 2: a relationship and play a part and then feel like 734 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:49,160 Speaker 2: your life went by and the kids, you know, grew 735 00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:52,120 Speaker 2: up in it. But they were you know, they they 736 00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:58,640 Speaker 2: didn't that there was an underlying emptiness there that I 737 00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:01,080 Speaker 2: wouldn't have been able to like, yeah, I would have 738 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:01,640 Speaker 2: had you know. 739 00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:05,719 Speaker 1: It's almost like, on one hand, they missed out on 740 00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:11,040 Speaker 1: that idyllic family my parents are still married kind of thing. 741 00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,720 Speaker 1: But on the other hand, they gained so much more 742 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:18,920 Speaker 1: emotional depth and so much more strength, I think, and 743 00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:24,280 Speaker 1: so many other things from experiencing the way it happened 744 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:24,640 Speaker 1: with us. 745 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:28,120 Speaker 2: Well, I hope look, if my kids are ever in 746 00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:31,279 Speaker 2: a relationship that they feel like, Okay, this relationship isn't 747 00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:34,840 Speaker 2: really you know, servicing me in a way that's making 748 00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:39,480 Speaker 2: me grow. And I hope that they, you know, have 749 00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:42,799 Speaker 2: the courage to leave the relationship so that they can 750 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:47,440 Speaker 2: continue to grow and learn. And I think, look, wherever 751 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:50,799 Speaker 2: we were at that time, I didn't feel like I 752 00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:53,680 Speaker 2: had the space to do it within our relationship, and 753 00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:57,160 Speaker 2: so part of it was like, what am I staying 754 00:39:57,160 --> 00:40:00,560 Speaker 2: in this relationship to teach them? Because what if they 755 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:03,320 Speaker 2: get into relationship one day and they don't want to 756 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:05,640 Speaker 2: leave it because they don't want to they don't want 757 00:40:05,640 --> 00:40:10,120 Speaker 2: to break the ideal like you know, image image of this. 758 00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:12,920 Speaker 2: You know, it's hard to leave relationship, especially the longer 759 00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:15,319 Speaker 2: you're in it. It takes a lot of it takes 760 00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:18,480 Speaker 2: a lot of courage, it's actually to do that. 761 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,400 Speaker 1: So yeah, I felt like you wanted me to like 762 00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:24,879 Speaker 1: say like, thank you for your courage, but I could 763 00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:28,239 Speaker 1: never get to that. I don't. I don't, I am 764 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:32,279 Speaker 1: I honestly, I remember distinctly you saying to me in 765 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:36,520 Speaker 1: that r V Jen someday you're going to thank me 766 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:40,160 Speaker 1: for this, and I got so pissed at you. I 767 00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:43,520 Speaker 1: was like, I'm never gonna thank you for this, Like 768 00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:44,239 Speaker 1: I mean, but. 769 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:46,680 Speaker 2: You're You're in a wonderful marriage now with it, but 770 00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:47,920 Speaker 2: now incredible. 771 00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:51,200 Speaker 1: My point is like, I thank you for doing it, 772 00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:55,040 Speaker 1: for all the growth that I've experienced from it, and 773 00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:57,399 Speaker 1: because of it, it wouldn't be who I am now, 774 00:40:57,440 --> 00:41:00,279 Speaker 1: and I wouldn't be, you know, the parent that I 775 00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:05,040 Speaker 1: am now without well, first of all, without your partnership 776 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:08,640 Speaker 1: through all of the ups and downs of it, of 777 00:41:08,680 --> 00:41:12,000 Speaker 1: co parenting. No matter if we wanted to kill each 778 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:15,440 Speaker 1: other at times, or not, we still were there for 779 00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:19,759 Speaker 1: one another. They always had a dad, And I have 780 00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:24,160 Speaker 1: the space within my heart now to really find all 781 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:27,680 Speaker 1: those areas of respect for you and your decision, why 782 00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:32,400 Speaker 1: you made it for yourself, and how hard that was 783 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:36,920 Speaker 1: for you, and your concern with the girl's feelings and 784 00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:40,080 Speaker 1: how it affected them. And I have a lot of 785 00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:45,600 Speaker 1: just gratitude knowing that you were a full time dad, 786 00:41:45,719 --> 00:41:48,960 Speaker 1: like you were always there for the girls. You are 787 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:51,440 Speaker 1: always there for the girls, and you're always there for 788 00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:54,520 Speaker 1: me if I call you and I need some help 789 00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:57,520 Speaker 1: with something or I'm struggling. There were times when I 790 00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:00,240 Speaker 1: didn't feel that support from you when things were not good, 791 00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:04,440 Speaker 1: and that was so difficult. I think that when women, 792 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:08,320 Speaker 1: when you're in a situation where your family is everything 793 00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:12,040 Speaker 1: and then your husband's no longer with you, you feel 794 00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:20,320 Speaker 1: alone and terrified, and especially if that partner isn't amicable 795 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:27,520 Speaker 1: or showing that support or that respect for you the 796 00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:30,399 Speaker 1: mother as the mother, you know. I think that that 797 00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:38,279 Speaker 1: is something I'm just so grateful for. Okay, I think 798 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:41,839 Speaker 1: this is a good place to take a pause. Ten 799 00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:44,799 Speaker 1: years ago, I never imagined that I would be having 800 00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:49,160 Speaker 1: this conversation about our divorce and co parenting publicly no less, 801 00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:52,879 Speaker 1: and I have to be honest, this conversation is hard 802 00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:55,560 Speaker 1: for me on a few levels, but I am really 803 00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:59,520 Speaker 1: glad that Peter and I are having it and we 804 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:03,400 Speaker 1: have more to say, but let's save that. I just 805 00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:07,280 Speaker 1: want to say, I hope that if you or someone 806 00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:10,600 Speaker 1: you know is going through a breakup or divorce, you 807 00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:14,480 Speaker 1: take away from this. As cliche as it sounds, time 808 00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:20,480 Speaker 1: does heal those wounds. I know, I know, I hated 809 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:23,000 Speaker 1: when people would say that to me in the throes 810 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:26,799 Speaker 1: of it all, but like any loss, those intense feelings 811 00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:31,759 Speaker 1: do subside over time. I mean, look at us, Peter 812 00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:34,080 Speaker 1: and I have come a long way, and I am 813 00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:37,240 Speaker 1: really proud of the progress that we've made over the years. 814 00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:41,480 Speaker 1: As we move forward on this journey of choosing ourselves, 815 00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:46,479 Speaker 1: let's do this. I encourage you this week to look 816 00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:49,960 Speaker 1: back on a challenging time that you have experienced in 817 00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:55,160 Speaker 1: your own life. Maybe you've gone through a divorce or 818 00:43:55,360 --> 00:44:01,200 Speaker 1: lost a job, or experienced an illness or financial difficulties, 819 00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:04,600 Speaker 1: and now you're on the other side of that challenge. 820 00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:09,160 Speaker 1: I want you to give yourself a little grace and 821 00:44:09,239 --> 00:44:15,280 Speaker 1: congratulate yourself on how you process that and move forward. Seriously, 822 00:44:15,560 --> 00:44:20,319 Speaker 1: think of it as giving yourself a hug. You did that. 823 00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:27,520 Speaker 1: We are all warriors and survivors, but sometimes we forget 824 00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:31,200 Speaker 1: to be our own cheerleaders. Thank you for listening to 825 00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:34,800 Speaker 1: I Choose Me and Hey, Hey, make sure to follow 826 00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:38,240 Speaker 1: us on Instagram at I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. 827 00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:41,799 Speaker 1: I really love hearing from you. I love you, and 828 00:44:41,840 --> 00:44:43,680 Speaker 1: I hope you choose to come back next week