Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. We're getting into the news.
Speaker 2: As you know, the fascinating penis themed trial of Professor
Speaker 2: Donald Bartholomew Trump continued today. What you might not know
Speaker 2: is that it is not the only salacious, high level
Speaker 2: government official trial going on today, because right across the
Speaker 2: street in New York's famed public corruption district, New Jersey
Speaker 2: Democratic Senator Robert Menendez.
Speaker 1: My god, Menendez turned heel.
Speaker 2: They're not booing, They're well, they were booing. Yes, that's
Speaker 2: he faced his first day of reckoning.
Speaker 3: Federal prosecutors alleged the former chair of the powerful Senate
Speaker 3: Foreign Relations Committee conspired with his wife, Nadine, to accept
Speaker 3: bribes from a trial of wealthy businessmen in exchange for
Speaker 3: political favors to help the governments of Cutter and Egypt.
Speaker 4: The powerful senator allegedly pressured the Department of Agriculture to
Speaker 4: help an associate maintain a monopoly on the importation of
Speaker 4: halal meat to the United States.
Speaker 5: I don't mean to get sentimental here, but in what
Speaker 5: other country in the world can a Cuban American senator
Speaker 5: were canned in hand with an Egyptian born businessman to
Speaker 5: corner the halal meat market, living in America.
Speaker 2: But yes, Senator Menendez is accused of using his access
Speaker 2: and influence as a senator to illegally help a variety
Speaker 2: of shady governments and clients.
Speaker 1: But what have us? Do we really have?
Speaker 4: Federal agents search the Menendez home in June twenty twenty two,
Speaker 4: finding over four hundred and eighty thousand dollars in cash.
Speaker 6: Two bags filled with one hundred thousand dollars each, one
Speaker 6: hundred thousand dollars worth of gold bars Hayman's toward a mortgage.
Speaker 7: The Mercedes Benz convertible.
Speaker 1: Furniture, exercise equipment, even an air purifier, four boots stuffed.
Speaker 6: With cash, cash even found in the senator's embroidered congressional jacket.
Speaker 2: Sacrilege, cash in the lining of a congressional jacket, which.
Speaker 1: Oddly enough is reversible.
Speaker 2: But the money is in his house, and his jacket,
Speaker 2: in his boots, he's lining in his pockets, but none
Speaker 2: of it ties the money to Menendez or Egypt.
Speaker 6: The indictment says, upon returning from one trip to Egypt,
Speaker 6: Menendez performed a web search for how much as one
Speaker 6: kilo of gold worth?
Speaker 1: Damn you?
Speaker 8: Metric system.
Speaker 2: I would have gotten away with the two who went
Speaker 2: for your meddling kids in your base ten system of
Speaker 2: measurements and weights.
Speaker 1: There could be a lot of reasonable, benign.
Speaker 9: Explanations for why a senator's house would be stuffed with
Speaker 9: cash and gold bars, home heating insulation perhaps, or.
Speaker 1: Something stupider.
Speaker 10: According to The New York Times, his lawyers now offering
Speaker 10: a new explanation as to why he had thousands of
Speaker 10: dollars in gold in cash in his home. They say
Speaker 10: that the habit is rooted in traumatic family history.
Speaker 1: These are simply my emotional support gold balls whenever I
Speaker 1: am Whenever I am not with them, I get anxious.
Speaker 1: People respond to trauma in different ways.
Speaker 2: Now, when it comes to any trial, the first step,
Speaker 2: of course, and we've seen this play out endless times,
Speaker 2: finding an impartial jury.
Speaker 11: Defense attorneys have proposed asking perspective jurors if they have
Speaker 11: opinions about people from New Jersey, and do they think
Speaker 11: that because they are from New Jersey that they're more
Speaker 11: likely to break the law.
Speaker 2: You motherfucks, you bury one union leader at your football
Speaker 2: stadium whilst running a human organ trafficking ring through some
Speaker 2: secauca's rabbis, and suddenly a whole state is a suspect.
Speaker 1: You believe this tone? Huh tone? You believe this anti
Speaker 1: New Jersey discrimination, That's what it is.
Speaker 2: So obviously this is shaping up to be one of
Speaker 2: the more cartoonishly blatant corruption cases in some time. Jersey
Speaker 2: guy with gold bars stuffed in his jacket and a
Speaker 2: nice freezer of some halal meets anything else that might
Speaker 2: speak to the general character of this United States.
Speaker 3: Senator Menendez has denied any wrongdoing. According to court filings,
Speaker 3: his lawyers indicate he may try to blame his wife.
Speaker 2: Yes, it's those three magic words that every woman is
Speaker 2: dying to hear.
Speaker 1: It was her, she did it. You know.
Speaker 2: I feel a lot worse for her if she wasn't
Speaker 2: also demonstrably a terrible person.
Speaker 1: But perhaps read up on it.
Speaker 2: Perhaps I can't explain everything right now.
Speaker 1: I'll just say this an awful.
Speaker 2: But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire not quite
Speaker 2: believable Real Housewives episode is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir,
Speaker 2: are an elected official in America's most respected legislative body.
Speaker 1: It's like a license to print money. You don't need
Speaker 1: to break the.
Speaker 2: Law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate
Speaker 2: so fucking lucrative, Which brings us to our new segment,
Speaker 2: Senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you, as a New
Speaker 2: Jersey resident, as a constituent of yours? Senator Menendez, I
Speaker 2: have to ask, with all due respect, how dumb is
Speaker 2: you promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump.
Speaker 1: Change on the side. It's bush league when as.
Speaker 2: A US Senator you can enrich yourself in so many
Speaker 2: different let's call them legal ways.
Speaker 1: For instance, the stock.
Speaker 2: Market, members of Congress's stock portfolios consistently beat the SMP
Speaker 2: five hundred.
Speaker 1: The average hedge fund was beating the market at seven percent.
Speaker 2: The study found that the average US senator was beating
Speaker 2: a stock market by twelve percent.
Speaker 1: The average US senator.
Speaker 2: And if you think it's because the average US senator
Speaker 2: is just so smart, this is the average US Senator
Speaker 2: Tommy Tupperville, an ex football coach who doesn't know the
Speaker 2: three branches of government. Oh, but when it comes to
Speaker 2: the stock market, he sees the matrix.
Speaker 1: How do they do it well?
Speaker 2: The secret is a shrewd understanding of the intricate interconnectivity
Speaker 2: of global markets.
Speaker 1: I'm kidding, they have inside information.
Speaker 12: California Congressman Democrat the named Alan Lowenthal, his wife sold
Speaker 12: cheers of Boeing March fifth of twenty twenty. The very
Speaker 12: next day, the committee on which he serves in the
Speaker 12: House released a damaging report on the Boeing seven thirty seven.
Speaker 1: Max, Oh my god, what timing you see that?
Speaker 2: See the rest of us only find out about Boeing's
Speaker 2: problems as we're being sucked out of the fuselage meg
Speaker 2: flight to flying out over the wings.
Speaker 1: You're flying in the air over the wags. Sal Sal.
Speaker 1: I don't think they're good. And it happens all the time.
Speaker 2: North Carolina Senator Richard Burke received a private briefing in
Speaker 2: twenty twenty about how bad the COVID pandemic was going
Speaker 2: to be for America, and he immediately sold off his stocks,
Speaker 2: saving himself a small fortune. Of course, he had a
Speaker 2: reasonable explanation.
Speaker 6: We wanted to ask you about those stock trades americ
Speaker 6: in February of twenty twenty. You know, the SEC says
Speaker 6: that you had a material non public information when you
Speaker 6: made those trades.
Speaker 1: I did look at what you put out. How is
Speaker 1: that not insider training.
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, sir, I wanted to answer your question
Speaker 2: if there.
Speaker 1: Was a button that kept these elevator doors open. By
Speaker 1: the way, for.
Speaker 2: Those of you at home who don't have a gold
Speaker 2: plated elevator, you can avoid these types of questions yourself
Speaker 2: just by pretending to take the stairs.
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't believe tell you that I
Speaker 1: must go.
Speaker 2: I'll take an elevator back home. I would do that
Speaker 2: bit more, but my knees as soon as I did
Speaker 2: the first one, because I didn't do it in rehearsal.
Speaker 2: I did it just now, and I was like, that's
Speaker 2: not a good idea. That's one of those who were like,
Speaker 2: stop the taping and pull me back out.
Speaker 10: Now.
Speaker 2: You might be wondering yourself, how does Congress get away
Speaker 2: with all this? Well, it may be because Congress is
Speaker 2: regulated by let me check my notes, Congress, and it's
Speaker 2: Congress that has refused to even hold a vote on
Speaker 2: the bills that have been proposed to ban members of
Speaker 2: Congress from trading stocks, because not letting members of Congress
Speaker 2: insider trade.
Speaker 1: Would be un American.
Speaker 2: Just listen to one of the biggest beneficiaries of this
Speaker 2: stock windfall.
Speaker 10: You should members of the Congress, and there's thousands feed
Speaker 10: ban from trading individual stocks while serving in Congress.
Speaker 2: Now, I don't know to the second mind, this is
Speaker 2: a free market in people.
Speaker 1: We are free market economy.
Speaker 8: They should be able to participate in.
Speaker 2: That ah free market. Excuse me, misfigure. I don't mean
Speaker 2: to interrupt. I'm a Martha Seward from the Why did
Speaker 2: I go to jail Times?
Speaker 1: Figure? Why did I go to jail? But here's the thing.
Speaker 2: In a free market, everyone has access to the same information.
Speaker 2: So unless you're going to put all of us on
Speaker 2: the committees, I don't get it now. To be fair,
Speaker 2: Congress does have rules against corruption. Members of Congress are
Speaker 2: not allowed to receive what might be viewed as enticements
Speaker 2: or bribes from obvious no free concert tickets. They cannot
Speaker 2: accept food, baked good sandwiches.
Speaker 1: Et cetera. It just would not be proper.
Speaker 2: But in Congress's infinite wisdom, they do allow organizations to
Speaker 2: set up what are called leadership packs, where a congressperson
Speaker 2: can turn political donations from lobbyists into slush funds. A
Speaker 2: pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some
Speaker 2: niquill but through the pack they can pay for five
Speaker 2: star hotels for Kirsten jillibrand luxury resorts for Ted Cruz,
Speaker 2: and even golf lessons for Rand Paul. It's all in
Speaker 2: Einriein's famous book at Liz Puttage.
Speaker 1: It's corruption.
Speaker 2: Really, that's milliterate crowd. I read that in Cottage Jackson.
Speaker 2: This is corruption in plain sight. We won't accept gifts,
Speaker 2: but if I want to have a luxury experience and
Speaker 2: you would like to pay for it and then join
Speaker 2: me on set experience where we can discuss issues important
Speaker 2: to you and your industry, Who's the wiser, right, Senator
Speaker 2: Mike Lee of Utah.
Speaker 8: Shortly after this slope side lunch for twenty two friends,
Speaker 8: we decided to ask Senator Mike Lee and just why
Speaker 8: he's doing this.
Speaker 13: Politicians raise funds, and this is what we do.
Speaker 1: I just want you like this. I enjoy skab and
Speaker 1: thank you very much. Yeah, thanks a lot.
Speaker 2: From now on, I am ending every uncomfortable conversation I
Speaker 2: ever have about anything with I enjoys gay.
Speaker 1: Good day. But but.
Speaker 2: Our luxury lobbying vacation is still too much work, Senator Menendez,
Speaker 2: because you could always write laws that directly benefit your
Speaker 2: side business, like the way Senator Chuck Grassley netted three
Speaker 2: hundred and seventy thousand dollars in farm subsidies, or the
Speaker 2: five point three million dollars the California Rep. Doug LaMalfa
Speaker 2: got for his gentleman farm. And by the way, for
Speaker 2: that much money, you better be growing actual gentlemen. It's
Speaker 2: all legal and not a gold bar in sight. Or
Speaker 2: you can leverage your stature and government to get lucrative
Speaker 2: lobbying positions for your wife and your three kids, like
Speaker 2: Missouri Senator Roy Blunt.
Speaker 13: I don't even understand why that would be a question.
Speaker 1: Everybody's family.
Speaker 5: My father was a corporate lobbyist, like his father and
Speaker 5: his father before whom.
Speaker 1: Yes, everybody's family does something.
Speaker 2: For instance, your daughter might receive unusually green lighted Chinese patents,
Speaker 2: or your son in law might receive billions and no
Speaker 2: questions asked Saudi Investment, or your son might get a
Speaker 2: lucrative seat on a corporate board.
Speaker 1: Let's hear Hunter explain that one away.
Speaker 4: If your last name was in Biden, do you think
Speaker 4: you would have been asked to be on the board
Speaker 4: of Barisma I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know, probably not.
Speaker 2: Holy shit, all the senators and representatives who dodged and
Speaker 2: prevaricated and wouldn't answer any questions. You know you're in
Speaker 2: trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a
Speaker 2: story of government corruption is the ex crackhead. Yeah, now
Speaker 2: you mightn't.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I like John Stewart anymore. Malliam.
Speaker 2: Now you might think someone should step in and stop
Speaker 2: Congress from being able to enrich themselves.
Speaker 1: Perhaps a Supreme Court.
Speaker 2: Well, it come as no surprise that the same guys
Speaker 2: who think it's fine to accept a luxury winnebago from
Speaker 2: a wealthy businessman have made it much harder to police corruption.
Speaker 2: In a decision called McDonald versus the United States, they
Speaker 2: said that the appearance of corruption is not nearly enough
Speaker 2: for it to be considered against the law.
Speaker 1: It must be.
Speaker 7: This very narrow quid pro quo idea.
Speaker 14: You know, I'm going to give you kind of like
Speaker 14: a cartoonish sack of money in exchange for an actual vote.
Speaker 1: Whilst twirling my handlebar mustache at every turn.
Speaker 2: Our Congress and our courts have been given a choice
Speaker 2: be less corrupt or redefine what constitutes corruption and get
Speaker 2: on with your bad selves. It's a game of reverse limbo.
Speaker 2: Having trouble getting under the bar of corruption we've set, well,
Speaker 2: how about now? Robert Menendez's gold bars in exchange for
Speaker 2: favorable legislation is obviously cartoonishly corrupt. But for anyone out
Speaker 2: there who thinks the status quo of government, patronage and
Speaker 2: influence is of an entirely different species than Menendez, how
Speaker 2: dumb is you.
Speaker 14: Let's begin with King Charles, the undisputed winner of white privilege.
Speaker 14: It's been one year since he was crowned eldest Boy,
Speaker 14: and he just got the photos.
Speaker 13: Developed mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled
Speaker 13: of King Charles.
Speaker 1: Take a look.
Speaker 13: It is the first since his coronation. The oil on
Speaker 13: canvas work of art features the King dressed in all
Speaker 13: red with a red background.
Speaker 1: He's wearing the uniform of the Welsh Guards.
Speaker 13: But there's also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder.
Speaker 14: Oh, I just remembered I have to buy tampons.
Speaker 7: Tampons now.
Speaker 14: Obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits
Speaker 14: of the royal family. For example, Queen Elizabeth was often
Speaker 14: painted with her beloved corgies. Compare that to Charles, who
Speaker 14: looks like he was painted with her corgies. Once Christy
Speaker 14: Nome was finished with I do like having the butterfly there.
Speaker 14: Though it says I may be King of England, but
Speaker 14: I still love that song that goes, come my Lady,
Speaker 14: Come Come Malady, Yoma butterpla sugar Baby. It's a great song.
Speaker 14: It's a really great song, still holds up. Now, clearly
Speaker 14: this painting has gotten a lot of negative feedback, but
Speaker 14: King Charles swears that he loves the portrait, which probably
Speaker 14: means he's having an affair with another portrait on the side.
Speaker 14: But let's move on from a leader who struggled with
Speaker 14: infidelity to a leader who has no problem with it
Speaker 14: at all. Donald Trump, There's been a lot of news
Speaker 14: on the campaign trail today, so let's get right into
Speaker 14: another edition of Indecision twenty twenty four.
Speaker 7: It looks like.
Speaker 14: Today was going to be a quiet day on the
Speaker 14: campaign trail Wednesday, so Donald Trump had the day off
Speaker 14: from his porn star hush money trial, which he was
Speaker 14: going to spend trying to guess Milania's new phone number,
Speaker 14: but his arch nemesis, Joe Biden, had other plans.
Speaker 10: And breaking news just moments ago, President Biden throws down
Speaker 10: the gauntlet and frankly, some shade to Donald Trump, challenging
Speaker 10: him to a debate.
Speaker 15: Donald Trump lost two debates to me in twenty twenty.
Speaker 15: San Sandy hadn't shown.
Speaker 16: Up for debate.
Speaker 15: Now he's acting like he wants to debate me again.
Speaker 15: Will make my day, pal, I'll even do it twice.
Speaker 15: Let's pick the das Donald. I hear you're free on Wednesdays.
Speaker 11: Shit.
Speaker 14: Yeah, So that's the Joe Biden I know, and moderately
Speaker 14: like he scared to nothing besides natural causes. I got
Speaker 14: to admit there was part of me that thought Joe
Speaker 14: Biden would be afraid to debate Donald Trump, because you know,
Speaker 14: debating involves a lot of talking and think and standing.
Speaker 14: But whooa, the way that he powered through that fourteen
Speaker 14: second video makes me think he's got this.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 14: I don't know exactly why he dropped this challenge. Now,
Speaker 14: maybe he heard all those stories about Trump sleeping through
Speaker 14: the trial and thought I can take this guy.
Speaker 7: We're on the same map schedule.
Speaker 14: But come on, Trump, skipped every primary debate like it
Speaker 14: was for play. There's no way he's going to accept
Speaker 14: Biden's challenge.
Speaker 13: The former president responded to that video this morning on
Speaker 13: truth Social saying, just tell me.
Speaker 1: When I'll be there. Let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 7: Oh shit, it's on. Yeah, let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 7: Make my day. I see dead people.
Speaker 14: I want you to draw me like one of your
Speaker 14: French girls.
Speaker 7: Wednesdays, we wear pink. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Yeah, we're
Speaker 7: making moves now.
Speaker 14: Biden and Trump have a agreed to debate, but they
Speaker 14: still need to agree on a date and a host,
Speaker 14: and those logistics don't just come together within forty five minutes.
Speaker 10: President Joe Biden and Donald Trump have just accepted CNN's
Speaker 10: invitation to hold a debate on June twenty seventh.
Speaker 1: That's just been a few weeks.
Speaker 14: Wow, okay, June twenty seventh, Joe Biden is going to
Speaker 14: be debating Donald Trump.
Speaker 7: Yay, I can't wait to watch like this. But yeah,
Speaker 7: everything moved so quickly.
Speaker 14: Biden dropped that video and by noon they had scheduled
Speaker 14: two debates. It's amazing how when they want to do
Speaker 14: something they can get it done super fast. That kind
Speaker 14: of makes you wonder why they don't fix other problems
Speaker 14: this fast.
Speaker 7: But whatever, you'll enjoy it now.
Speaker 14: Obviously, there are still details to be worked out, because
Speaker 14: even though Joe Biden said make my day, he really
Speaker 14: meant make my day subject to terms and conditions.
Speaker 17: The Biden campaign wants the debate to occur inside a
Speaker 17: TV studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a
Speaker 17: speaker's time limit ellapses, and they want it to be
Speaker 17: just the two candidates and the moderator, without the raucous
Speaker 17: in person audiences that mister Trump feeds on, and without
Speaker 17: the participation of Robert F. Kennedy Junior or other independent
Speaker 17: or third party candidates.
Speaker 14: Yeah, I get where Biden's coming from on this. You
Speaker 14: don't want crowds because they give Donald Trump energy, and
Speaker 14: you don't want rfk Junior because you can't risk losing
Speaker 14: to the guy with the brainworms.
Speaker 7: So they have to work out the details.
Speaker 14: Trump has to agree to Biden's stipulations, and he might
Speaker 14: have demands of his own, like you know, every candidate
Speaker 14: gets a get out of jail free card, or the
Speaker 14: debate moderator has to be a lady and she has
Speaker 14: to kiss them on.
Speaker 7: The mouth like the old family food.
Speaker 14: For more on this looming presidential debate, we go live
Speaker 14: to Michael Costa at CNN. Had Michael, how are the
Speaker 14: candidates preparing?
Speaker 8: Both sides are buckling down, DESSI. President Biden is doing
Speaker 8: his classic pre debate ritual of a glass of hot
Speaker 8: tea and an IV full of methemphetamines. Meanwhile, Trump's team is
Speaker 8: teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete with
Speaker 8: a spork so he'll be able to break out of prison.
Speaker 14: Okay, but Michael, is all this even necessary? And both
Speaker 14: candidates have already been president, We're not going to learn
Speaker 14: anything new about their policies.
Speaker 8: Yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies.
Speaker 8: It's about giving the American people a chance to see
Speaker 8: which candidate, medically speaking, has the least fixed up body.
Speaker 8: Neither of them are giving us any details about their
Speaker 8: physical or mental health, so this is our only chance
Speaker 8: to get them in a room together and see if
Speaker 8: they can do presidential tasks like talk coherently for an
Speaker 8: hour or not hemorrhage blood through an orifice.
Speaker 14: Okay, so you're saying that the American people should see
Speaker 14: this less as a debate and more as a secret
Speaker 14: medical exam.
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, yes, which is why I suggest that CNN
Speaker 8: adds some additional stipulations. For example, the candidates should each
Speaker 8: defend their tax policy while following this.
Speaker 1: Finger with their eyes.
Speaker 8: Or have them bend down and lift a five pound
Speaker 8: kettlebell and see who breaks the least amount of bones.
Speaker 8: Or bring out one of their grandkids and see if
Speaker 8: either of them know whose grandkid it is. Or simply
Speaker 8: just see which one of them can start a lawnmower.
Speaker 14: Okay, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental health,
Speaker 14: and whoever scores the highest gets to be president.
Speaker 1: Absolutely not, No, this is all a ruse.
Speaker 8: Once we get Biden and Trump in a room together,
Speaker 8: we can lock the door and the rest of us
Speaker 8: can sneak out of America. Then that will start a
Speaker 8: new country with younger candidates, you know, ones whose first
Speaker 8: kiss wasn't in the backseat of a Model T.
Speaker 7: Michael.
Speaker 14: Even if we could do that, at some point, Biden
Speaker 14: and Trump would find their way to this new country.
Speaker 8: Right maybe, but the only entrance will be through a
Speaker 8: spiral staircase.
Speaker 1: So good luck.
Speaker 14: You thought of everything seeing our new nation buddy Michael Costa.
Speaker 7: Everyone to.
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