WEBVTT - Minisode: Polyamory Problems 

0:00:00.840 --> 0:00:04.160
<v Speaker 1>Welcome to couples Counseling with Chelsea hand job where we.

0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:09.560
<v Speaker 2>Do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families.

0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:15.240
<v Speaker 1>Welcome to my office. Hi Catherine, how are you? Hi Chelsea.

0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:18.120
<v Speaker 3>I want to jump right in with our callers today,

0:00:18.320 --> 0:00:21.640
<v Speaker 3>which are Rachel and Leah. Rachel is the one writing

0:00:21.640 --> 0:00:23.919
<v Speaker 3>in and she says to dear Chelsea, I could really

0:00:24.000 --> 0:00:26.160
<v Speaker 3>use some advice. About two months ago, I met a

0:00:26.200 --> 0:00:28.440
<v Speaker 3>woman at a party and we fell hard for each other.

0:00:28.880 --> 0:00:31.880
<v Speaker 3>It turns out she is polyamorous and married with a child.

0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:35.080
<v Speaker 3>She's thirty six and I'm twenty eight. Traditionally I'd never

0:00:35.159 --> 0:00:37.080
<v Speaker 3>go for someone who was in a situation like this,

0:00:37.200 --> 0:00:39.440
<v Speaker 3>but I couldn't help myself. We have such a deep

0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:43.000
<v Speaker 3>connection and she makes me so happy. She's also a rabbi,

0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:45.600
<v Speaker 3>which is so meaningful to me because I'm Jewish. The

0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:48.440
<v Speaker 3>thing is, she isn't out as polyamorous to her congregation,

0:00:48.600 --> 0:00:51.640
<v Speaker 3>so we could never go public. Also, my boss happens

0:00:51.680 --> 0:00:55.600
<v Speaker 3>to be in her congregation. Super weird coincidence. Additionally, I'm

0:00:55.640 --> 0:00:57.600
<v Speaker 3>not one hundred percent on board with calling a woman

0:00:57.640 --> 0:00:59.760
<v Speaker 3>with a husband and child my girlfriend let's call her

0:00:59.840 --> 0:01:02.760
<v Speaker 3>Lee for these purposes. I was at her house earlier

0:01:02.760 --> 0:01:04.560
<v Speaker 3>this week and had to leave because her husband was

0:01:04.600 --> 0:01:07.240
<v Speaker 3>coming home and I couldn't fathom meeting him. I fear

0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:09.000
<v Speaker 3>that if I were to meet him, I would feel

0:01:09.040 --> 0:01:11.280
<v Speaker 3>really sad and ultimately freak out and break things off

0:01:11.319 --> 0:01:13.560
<v Speaker 3>with Leah or fall in love with him too. It

0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:17.160
<v Speaker 3>just seems potentially messy. Dating people who are unavailable is

0:01:17.200 --> 0:01:19.880
<v Speaker 3>typically my pattern, and I recognize that Leah falls into

0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:22.679
<v Speaker 3>the category of people who are unavailable. I'm at the

0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:24.440
<v Speaker 3>point where I want to date other people, but I

0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:26.600
<v Speaker 3>still want to date Leah. I'm scared of getting hurt,

0:01:26.600 --> 0:01:28.320
<v Speaker 3>but I don't want to let go of my connection

0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:30.839
<v Speaker 3>with her. How do I go about this without hurting

0:01:30.840 --> 0:01:33.280
<v Speaker 3>my heart and still having fun? Thank you so much?

0:01:33.480 --> 0:01:38.280
<v Speaker 4>Rachel, Hi, Rachel and Leah, Hi, Chelsea and Catherine, Hi,

0:01:39.280 --> 0:01:40.040
<v Speaker 4>Hi you guys.

0:01:40.560 --> 0:01:42.959
<v Speaker 1>Okay, let's recap.

0:01:43.720 --> 0:01:47.320
<v Speaker 2>Rachel, you're polyamorous, No, that would be cool.

0:01:47.680 --> 0:01:48.880
<v Speaker 1>Leah's polyamorous.

0:01:49.480 --> 0:01:51.960
<v Speaker 2>Leah, you're polyamorous and you're a rabbi.

0:01:52.640 --> 0:01:53.480
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, okay.

0:01:53.720 --> 0:01:59.320
<v Speaker 2>And your husband knows you're polyamorous, obviously he is too. Okay, wonderful, great,

0:01:59.320 --> 0:02:03.160
<v Speaker 2>But you're just not to your congregation, right, and then Rachel,

0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:05.600
<v Speaker 2>so you're not polyamorous, but now you're looking to be

0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:09.320
<v Speaker 2>polyamorous because you want to date Leah and other people, right.

0:02:09.800 --> 0:02:13.720
<v Speaker 5>I mean, I yeah, yeah, I guess I am at

0:02:13.800 --> 0:02:15.200
<v Speaker 5>that point.

0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:21.640
<v Speaker 4>I want I can't. I can't found them not dating Leah.

0:02:21.680 --> 0:02:22.720
<v Speaker 4>But I'm also.

0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:25.760
<v Speaker 5>Trying to find my person as a monogamous person.

0:02:26.360 --> 0:02:29.360
<v Speaker 4>So I guess I'm here trying to figure out where

0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:34.880
<v Speaker 4>I can go from here, and I'm really struggling with that.

0:02:35.680 --> 0:02:39.760
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I can imagine. How How did you guys meet

0:02:39.600 --> 0:02:40.320
<v Speaker 2>at temple?

0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:44.200
<v Speaker 6>That was crazy? Know, we met at the party. It

0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:46.120
<v Speaker 6>was a really cute party just for women.

0:02:46.840 --> 0:02:47.560
<v Speaker 1>Huh.

0:02:47.639 --> 0:02:52.800
<v Speaker 6>Rachel rhinestoned my face and we smoked a joint together

0:02:53.120 --> 0:02:54.280
<v Speaker 6>and it was really cute.

0:02:54.840 --> 0:02:56.720
<v Speaker 2>Okay, Well, I need to go to your synagogue because

0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:57.840
<v Speaker 2>it sounds pretty modern.

0:02:58.680 --> 0:02:59.960
<v Speaker 5>No, that wasn't a synagogue.

0:03:00.360 --> 0:03:01.240
<v Speaker 1>I know, I know, I know.

0:03:01.240 --> 0:03:04.120
<v Speaker 6>I'm at the synagogue, Paarl.

0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:06.720
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you're a polyamorous you're smoking pot like all of

0:03:06.720 --> 0:03:07.720
<v Speaker 2>these things are lining up.

0:03:07.760 --> 0:03:08.079
<v Speaker 1>Okay.

0:03:08.919 --> 0:03:12.440
<v Speaker 2>And Rachel, are you are you both bisexual or Rachel

0:03:12.480 --> 0:03:13.840
<v Speaker 2>are you a lesbian?

0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:15.360
<v Speaker 5>I'm bisexual?

0:03:15.760 --> 0:03:18.240
<v Speaker 2>You're bisexual? Okay, so you're looking for your partner, whether

0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:22.519
<v Speaker 2>that be a man or woman. Right, Okay, great, well

0:03:22.560 --> 0:03:24.040
<v Speaker 2>this is very interesting you guys.

0:03:24.080 --> 0:03:26.240
<v Speaker 1>I like this. This is multi layered.

0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:29.880
<v Speaker 2>I mean, Rachel, I would never say, like I think

0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:33.360
<v Speaker 2>with someone like Leah who's a rabbi and who do

0:03:33.440 --> 0:03:34.480
<v Speaker 2>you go to her congregation?

0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:35.920
<v Speaker 5>No?

0:03:35.920 --> 0:03:39.360
<v Speaker 6>No, okay, I would never date someone in my congregation.

0:03:38.960 --> 0:03:42.120
<v Speaker 1>For the rest Okay, okay, copy that. Copy that. I

0:03:42.160 --> 0:03:43.520
<v Speaker 1>think you know what the rules are.

0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:46.560
<v Speaker 2>So it's a very good experiment for you, and you

0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:48.880
<v Speaker 2>should look at it as such, like I understand there

0:03:48.920 --> 0:03:52.080
<v Speaker 2>are emotions involved and feelings involved, and you haven't necessarily

0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:53.760
<v Speaker 2>been in this kind of dynamic before.

0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:55.640
<v Speaker 1>Is that correct? Yeah?

0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:58.920
<v Speaker 2>Right, So I think this is a huge opportunity for you,

0:03:59.160 --> 0:04:03.360
<v Speaker 2>Like it'stunity to learn and grow. You and Leah can

0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:06.640
<v Speaker 2>have this relationship that you have with the understanding. You

0:04:06.680 --> 0:04:09.520
<v Speaker 2>have all the information, so it's not like you're getting

0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:12.400
<v Speaker 2>you know, like all of a sudden you're finding out,

0:04:12.480 --> 0:04:14.200
<v Speaker 2>you know, you're six months in you're in love with

0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:16.120
<v Speaker 2>someone and you find out, oh my god, they're married

0:04:16.600 --> 0:04:19.479
<v Speaker 2>this and that. No, you have all the information here

0:04:19.560 --> 0:04:22.599
<v Speaker 2>to protect your emotions. So it's up to you to

0:04:22.680 --> 0:04:24.919
<v Speaker 2>kind of do that job and say, Okay, this is

0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:28.040
<v Speaker 2>never going to amount to a marriage or you know a.

0:04:27.960 --> 0:04:29.840
<v Speaker 1>Person like a primary partner.

0:04:29.880 --> 0:04:32.880
<v Speaker 2>You're a primary partner, right, this is going to amount

0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:35.880
<v Speaker 2>to It could be a huge growing and learning experience

0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:38.960
<v Speaker 2>for you, which I think it will be. And no

0:04:38.960 --> 0:04:41.840
<v Speaker 2>one's being dishonest. So that's the biggest advantage so far,

0:04:41.960 --> 0:04:44.480
<v Speaker 2>is that all the honesty's out on the table, and

0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:48.760
<v Speaker 2>you're also person looking for your person, and while you

0:04:48.880 --> 0:04:51.000
<v Speaker 2>have Leah in your life, like, that's not going to

0:04:51.080 --> 0:04:54.200
<v Speaker 2>prevent you from looking that person. If you do, you

0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:56.600
<v Speaker 2>feel like you have fallen in love with Leah already.

0:04:58.120 --> 0:05:01.440
<v Speaker 4>I really love her, and I definitely think that we're

0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:07.440
<v Speaker 4>on that track. Yeah, I guess I'm finding it difficult

0:05:07.560 --> 0:05:12.479
<v Speaker 4>to be emotionally available to other people while I have

0:05:12.680 --> 0:05:15.640
<v Speaker 4>all of this love and time and energy that I'm

0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:20.600
<v Speaker 4>spilling into someone who ultimately could never be my primary partner.

0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:24.679
<v Speaker 2>Okay, So does that make you think maybe you shouldn't

0:05:24.720 --> 0:05:25.919
<v Speaker 2>be involved with Lee at all?

0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:28.359
<v Speaker 1>Like you can't handle both of those things?

0:05:29.240 --> 0:05:32.120
<v Speaker 4>No, No, I want to figure out and work on

0:05:32.200 --> 0:05:35.880
<v Speaker 4>ways where I can't handle both of those things, because

0:05:36.320 --> 0:05:40.159
<v Speaker 4>I do love her so much. And I don't ever

0:05:40.600 --> 0:05:43.720
<v Speaker 4>want to not be romantically involved with her.

0:05:44.440 --> 0:05:47.280
<v Speaker 3>I feel like this is sort of a follow your

0:05:47.320 --> 0:05:50.520
<v Speaker 3>bliss moment, Like I know you want to find your

0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:53.080
<v Speaker 3>primary partner. I know you want to find like the one,

0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:56.280
<v Speaker 3>but right now, maybe it's okay to just let this

0:05:56.360 --> 0:05:58.400
<v Speaker 3>be what it is and not try to put all

0:05:58.400 --> 0:06:01.600
<v Speaker 3>your energy into places. Right we can't serve two masters.

0:06:01.600 --> 0:06:04.479
<v Speaker 3>I think there's something about that, maybe somewhere in the

0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:09.200
<v Speaker 3>oh uh, that's New Testament, never mind, But maybe right

0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:12.320
<v Speaker 3>now you're just like having this really wonderful experience and

0:06:12.440 --> 0:06:14.360
<v Speaker 3>let it be what it is and when and if

0:06:14.360 --> 0:06:15.960
<v Speaker 3>you feel like that needs to change and you need

0:06:16.000 --> 0:06:19.280
<v Speaker 3>to find another partner, then like then you move toward that.

0:06:20.200 --> 0:06:27.839
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, what are your major concerns? You're concerned about? Protecting

0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:32.800
<v Speaker 2>your emotions? Is that your number one? Like yeah, fear? Yeah, okay, Well,

0:06:33.000 --> 0:06:38.920
<v Speaker 2>when you have the truth right before you, it's your decision. Like,

0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:42.320
<v Speaker 2>there's nothing here that's not protecting your emotions, is what

0:06:42.360 --> 0:06:45.680
<v Speaker 2>I'm saying. Everything is set up to protect your emotions

0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:49.080
<v Speaker 2>because you know what the situation is, so like you

0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:51.880
<v Speaker 2>have such a huge advantage. It's not like you're finding

0:06:51.920 --> 0:06:54.680
<v Speaker 2>out it's not like, you know you're being blindsided. You

0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:58.320
<v Speaker 2>know what you're getting into, And it's okay to fall

0:06:58.360 --> 0:07:02.520
<v Speaker 2>in love with someone that's on able in a polyamorous situation,

0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:05.719
<v Speaker 2>that's okay because you're also going to fall in love

0:07:05.760 --> 0:07:08.240
<v Speaker 2>with other people in your life. And just because you're

0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:10.400
<v Speaker 2>in love with this person doesn't prevent you from falling

0:07:10.400 --> 0:07:12.520
<v Speaker 2>in love. That's like an idea that we put in

0:07:12.560 --> 0:07:13.240
<v Speaker 2>our minds.

0:07:13.440 --> 0:07:14.280
<v Speaker 1>You know, you're not.

0:07:14.400 --> 0:07:17.560
<v Speaker 2>Living together and also seeking someone out, you know that

0:07:17.600 --> 0:07:19.440
<v Speaker 2>would be something else. It's not like, oh, I have

0:07:19.480 --> 0:07:21.440
<v Speaker 2>a whole life with but I'm still trying to meet

0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:24.640
<v Speaker 2>someone else. You She has a whole life separate from you.

0:07:24.760 --> 0:07:26.760
<v Speaker 2>She has a husband, she and I'm assuming she has

0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:28.640
<v Speaker 2>a family too. Do you have children, Leah?

0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:29.280
<v Speaker 1>I have a Kaid.

0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:29.640
<v Speaker 5>Yeah.

0:07:30.200 --> 0:07:33.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, okay, So there you have it. How integrated is

0:07:33.880 --> 0:07:34.760
<v Speaker 2>she allowed to?

0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:35.040
<v Speaker 6>Like?

0:07:35.360 --> 0:07:37.920
<v Speaker 2>How do you and your husband have your relationship set

0:07:38.000 --> 0:07:40.600
<v Speaker 2>up with like your other partners and your other lovers? Like,

0:07:40.640 --> 0:07:43.520
<v Speaker 2>how integrated can Rachel become in your life?

0:07:44.240 --> 0:07:46.120
<v Speaker 5>He is down to meet her.

0:07:46.320 --> 0:07:49.480
<v Speaker 6>I think my best case scenario one day, if I

0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:54.880
<v Speaker 6>could get my wildest fantasy would be that she becomes like,

0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:58.760
<v Speaker 6>you know, a close family friend, like, that's how it

0:07:58.800 --> 0:08:01.920
<v Speaker 6>feels for everyone in my family except for for me,

0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:06.640
<v Speaker 6>obviously it's beyond that, but as she does not want

0:08:06.640 --> 0:08:10.440
<v Speaker 6>to meet him yet, or a slash maybe at all,

0:08:10.520 --> 0:08:15.160
<v Speaker 6>which I totally understand and respect. Honestly like it when

0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:19.600
<v Speaker 6>you identify as polyamorous, it is sometimes like an initial

0:08:19.680 --> 0:08:23.360
<v Speaker 6>challenge or like emotionally slightly complicated to meet a partner's

0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:27.040
<v Speaker 6>other partner. And then if you like don't even identify

0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:29.680
<v Speaker 6>as Polly, like, oh my gosh, that must be I

0:08:29.680 --> 0:08:30.280
<v Speaker 6>don't even know.

0:08:30.520 --> 0:08:32.120
<v Speaker 5>I don't know how you're doing it, Rachel.

0:08:31.960 --> 0:08:36.120
<v Speaker 2>So yeah, yeah, right, it would be. But I wouldn't

0:08:36.120 --> 0:08:38.200
<v Speaker 2>put a never on anything. You know, like, you don't

0:08:38.200 --> 0:08:40.000
<v Speaker 2>want to meet him now, fine that you don't have to,

0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:42.280
<v Speaker 2>But down the road you might change your mind.

0:08:42.400 --> 0:08:44.880
<v Speaker 1>You probably will, and you probably will.

0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:47.320
<v Speaker 2>Depending on your own situation and what happens with your

0:08:47.440 --> 0:08:50.000
<v Speaker 2>situation and who you end up seeing and dating. And

0:08:50.040 --> 0:08:51.800
<v Speaker 2>I wouldn't put a pin in any of that either.

0:08:51.880 --> 0:08:55.439
<v Speaker 2>But I wouldn't be so aggressively in any direction. I

0:08:55.440 --> 0:08:59.400
<v Speaker 2>would say to Rachel, just like, let enjoy what's happening.

0:08:59.559 --> 0:09:03.280
<v Speaker 2>Enjoy relationship with Leah. It's not a secret that's a

0:09:03.320 --> 0:09:05.800
<v Speaker 2>lifestyle that she's chosen and might be a lifestyle that

0:09:05.840 --> 0:09:09.160
<v Speaker 2>you choose also. Or you might meet someone and then decide, oh,

0:09:09.240 --> 0:09:12.000
<v Speaker 2>this isn't the way that or they might not be

0:09:12.040 --> 0:09:14.000
<v Speaker 2>okay with it, they don't want you to have another lover,

0:09:14.080 --> 0:09:15.800
<v Speaker 2>and then maybe that time will come in you'll have

0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:18.520
<v Speaker 2>to make that decision. But I wouldn't put so much

0:09:18.520 --> 0:09:21.800
<v Speaker 2>pressure on protecting your emotions. You have all the information

0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:24.640
<v Speaker 2>that is your protection, and you should look at it

0:09:24.679 --> 0:09:26.240
<v Speaker 2>as like a power, you know what I mean?

0:09:26.360 --> 0:09:28.640
<v Speaker 1>Like, think of that, like no one's lying to you.

0:09:29.160 --> 0:09:32.960
<v Speaker 2>So right there, you're in a powerful position to choose

0:09:33.280 --> 0:09:35.960
<v Speaker 2>what you're willing, what you want. You know, do you

0:09:36.000 --> 0:09:38.800
<v Speaker 2>want this? Can you handle her being with a husband?

0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:39.760
<v Speaker 2>Can you handle that?

0:09:40.040 --> 0:09:40.160
<v Speaker 6>Like?

0:09:40.200 --> 0:09:41.920
<v Speaker 2>What do you think when you think about that in

0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:44.600
<v Speaker 2>the long term of things, Say, you guys, do fall

0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:47.600
<v Speaker 2>madly in love and she is still married? How does that?

0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:49.760
<v Speaker 2>How do you see that playing out? What do you

0:09:49.800 --> 0:09:51.400
<v Speaker 2>think of that? Do you think that's something that you

0:09:51.440 --> 0:09:53.400
<v Speaker 2>can handle right now?

0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:56.559
<v Speaker 5>Absolutely? Not in the future, potentially.

0:09:57.240 --> 0:10:01.319
<v Speaker 4>I just I think of her and her husband, and

0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:05.120
<v Speaker 4>I like, I freak out. I get so sad, I

0:10:05.160 --> 0:10:08.079
<v Speaker 4>get so sad and I think in my head, Wow,

0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:10.600
<v Speaker 4>Leah is giving her.

0:10:10.640 --> 0:10:14.600
<v Speaker 5>Love to someone who is not me, and that fucking sucks.

0:10:14.840 --> 0:10:18.240
<v Speaker 2>Right Well, that makes that makes it sound like, yeah,

0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:21.079
<v Speaker 2>you might not be able to handle that situation because

0:10:21.120 --> 0:10:23.800
<v Speaker 2>you are going to be too jealous and and and

0:10:24.400 --> 0:10:27.160
<v Speaker 2>you know, and that means you're probably not polyamorous.

0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:29.440
<v Speaker 1>What thoughts have you given to being polyamorous.

0:10:30.240 --> 0:10:32.720
<v Speaker 4>I've never thought about being polyamorous until I started dating

0:10:32.760 --> 0:10:36.880
<v Speaker 4>Lea two months ago, so or I guess three months

0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:38.800
<v Speaker 4>ago now. And I've been on a few dates with

0:10:38.880 --> 0:10:45.319
<v Speaker 4>people since and a defining factor now And I haven't

0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:48.400
<v Speaker 4>really talked to you about this before, Leah, but it's

0:10:49.400 --> 0:10:52.880
<v Speaker 4>you know, is someone would someone be down with me

0:10:53.520 --> 0:10:58.440
<v Speaker 4>having a girlfriend or dating someone else, or you know,

0:10:58.520 --> 0:11:03.160
<v Speaker 4>would that person be open to polyamory with this specific person.

0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:04.280
<v Speaker 5>Who I really love.

0:11:04.960 --> 0:11:09.600
<v Speaker 4>I'm not closing off any options, And like you said, Chelsea,

0:11:09.679 --> 0:11:11.960
<v Speaker 4>I'm focusing on staying.

0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:14.480
<v Speaker 5>In the moment and staying present and being present.

0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:18.280
<v Speaker 4>Because anytime I go and I spiral and my emotions

0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:21.199
<v Speaker 4>get the most of me, I have to check back

0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:24.000
<v Speaker 4>in with myself, take a few breaths, and remind myself

0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:27.839
<v Speaker 4>this is it's practicing being in the moment.

0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:29.480
<v Speaker 5>It's practicing being here.

0:11:29.280 --> 0:11:31.920
<v Speaker 4>Now, because when I'm here now and I check in

0:11:31.920 --> 0:11:37.200
<v Speaker 4>with myself, I'm like, everything's great, I am really happy,

0:11:37.760 --> 0:11:40.840
<v Speaker 4>and I'm with someone who makes me really happy, and

0:11:41.000 --> 0:11:42.200
<v Speaker 4>everything's gonna be fine.

0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:45.760
<v Speaker 5>So I think that if I continue to check back in.

0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:51.640
<v Speaker 4>With myself and remind myself that I'm okay, then it's

0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:55.120
<v Speaker 4>going to be okay down the line, because I've come

0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:59.400
<v Speaker 4>to terms in many ways that we will never, you know,

0:11:59.480 --> 0:12:02.920
<v Speaker 4>get married or have children together, and Leo will never

0:12:02.960 --> 0:12:04.000
<v Speaker 4>be my primary partner.

0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:06.880
<v Speaker 3>I think one of the things you should take from

0:12:06.960 --> 0:12:10.320
<v Speaker 3>this call is that it's okay to let yourself enjoy

0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:13.280
<v Speaker 3>this for what it is right now, and checking in

0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:15.000
<v Speaker 3>with yourself is the best way to do that, and

0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:18.000
<v Speaker 3>like making sure that that's still the loudest voice. And

0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:20.439
<v Speaker 3>then when there is a louder voice about like it's

0:12:20.480 --> 0:12:22.320
<v Speaker 3>time to move on or it's time to find like

0:12:22.720 --> 0:12:26.280
<v Speaker 3>a monogamous relationship, when and if that time comes, once

0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:28.280
<v Speaker 3>that is louder, then you know it's time to make

0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:30.360
<v Speaker 3>a change. But I think you're okay to like let

0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:32.640
<v Speaker 3>yourself enjoy this for a while because you both seem

0:12:32.720 --> 0:12:35.800
<v Speaker 3>really happy and glowy and you're in the throes of things,

0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:38.920
<v Speaker 3>and I think you'll know when and if it's time

0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:39.400
<v Speaker 3>to move on.

0:12:39.640 --> 0:12:42.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I think I think you answered everything I was asking, Rachel.

0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:45.079
<v Speaker 2>I think you really are enjoying yourself, being present, being

0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:48.480
<v Speaker 2>in the moment when it becomes if, if it becomes

0:12:48.880 --> 0:12:53.560
<v Speaker 2>emotionally tumultuous for you, then yes, then that's a time

0:12:53.640 --> 0:12:55.199
<v Speaker 2>where you have to go, Okay, maybe I need a

0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:57.280
<v Speaker 2>time out, or maybe I need to break this off,

0:12:57.559 --> 0:12:59.559
<v Speaker 2>but I would say just go for it right now.

0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:03.240
<v Speaker 2>It's a huge, like expansive experience that you're having with someone.

0:13:03.559 --> 0:13:06.240
<v Speaker 1>It's been a couple months. Have fun, enjoy it.

0:13:06.600 --> 0:13:09.080
<v Speaker 2>You know what the rules are, play the game and

0:13:09.240 --> 0:13:11.720
<v Speaker 2>enjoy yourself and just take it one step at a

0:13:11.760 --> 0:13:15.240
<v Speaker 2>time and be mindful of where your head is at,

0:13:15.360 --> 0:13:17.600
<v Speaker 2>you know, and if it becomes too overwhelming for you,

0:13:17.720 --> 0:13:19.880
<v Speaker 2>make sure that you're checking in with that too, and

0:13:19.920 --> 0:13:22.160
<v Speaker 2>then that's fine, and I'm sure Lea will be respectful

0:13:22.160 --> 0:13:23.720
<v Speaker 2>of that if and when that does happen.

0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:26.360
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, yeah, thank you.

0:13:26.800 --> 0:13:28.640
<v Speaker 4>That is the way to go about it, because this

0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:31.760
<v Speaker 4>is so special and I don't want to give up

0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:34.960
<v Speaker 4>on this or leave this. I would like to continue

0:13:34.960 --> 0:13:37.840
<v Speaker 4>to check in with myself and see where this can go.

0:13:38.720 --> 0:13:42.480
<v Speaker 6>My dream is to be her bridesmaid one day.

0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:44.719
<v Speaker 2>Okay, well, I'm very excited about the possibilities and the

0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:46.640
<v Speaker 2>outcome of this and where this goes. I mean, in

0:13:46.679 --> 0:13:49.960
<v Speaker 2>a perfect world, you'll find a partner, they'll be polyamorous,

0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:52.320
<v Speaker 2>you'll all be polyamorous, and you can live a happily

0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:54.640
<v Speaker 2>ever after life with just like two partners each of you,

0:13:54.760 --> 0:13:57.280
<v Speaker 2>and then like great, then we're really evolving.

0:13:58.760 --> 0:14:01.920
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, thank you, Okay, all right, keep us posted. Okay,

0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:03.040
<v Speaker 1>take care of you too.

0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:05.640
<v Speaker 5>Thank you, Catherine, Thank you.

0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:13.120
<v Speaker 2>Bye, do do do do drum roll, Catherine, please, Chelsea

0:14:13.200 --> 0:14:18.080
<v Speaker 2>Handler Abroad. Abroad is my European tour. So I'm coming

0:14:18.080 --> 0:14:22.560
<v Speaker 2>to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get

0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:25.720
<v Speaker 2>the health out of this fucking country. And it's not

0:14:25.840 --> 0:14:28.880
<v Speaker 2>as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekkuvik,

0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:32.920
<v Speaker 2>I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm

0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:36.200
<v Speaker 2>coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast.

0:14:36.160 --> 0:14:37.120
<v Speaker 1>In May and June.

0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:42.400
<v Speaker 2>I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow,

0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:47.760
<v Speaker 2>New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin,

0:14:48.000 --> 0:14:53.520
<v Speaker 2>Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm coming abroad is abroad.

0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:55.240
<v Speaker 1>That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.

0:14:55.640 --> 0:14:57.760
<v Speaker 2>I know I want to go see me abroad and

0:14:57.960 --> 0:15:00.440
<v Speaker 2>there all be They're all.

0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:04.040
<v Speaker 3>Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write into Dear Chelsea

0:15:04.080 --> 0:15:07.680
<v Speaker 3>Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of

0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:10.880
<v Speaker 3>Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod.

0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:15.280
<v Speaker 3>Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive

0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:17.840
<v Speaker 3>producer Katherine law And be sure to check out our

0:15:17.840 --> 0:15:21.000
<v Speaker 3>merch at Chelseahandler dot com