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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on it You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is

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Speaker 1: Cat and I am the host here. If you're new

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Speaker 1: and you're unsure of what couch Talks is, it is

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Speaker 1: the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy Podcast where

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Speaker 1: I answer questions that you guys send to me that

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Speaker 1: you can send to Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com. Now, I like to remind everybody in the

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Speaker 1: beginning of these episodes that although I'm a therapist, and

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Speaker 1: although on couch Talks and a therapist that's answering questions

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Speaker 1: that you guys sent to me, this podcast does not

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Speaker 1: serve as a replacement or substitute for mental health services. However,

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Speaker 1: it can benefit you in whatever way it needs to

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Speaker 1: benefit you. So before we get started, before we get

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Speaker 1: to the question, I have two little things I want

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Speaker 1: to say. One a little reminder that there is going

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Speaker 1: to be a live show for the four Things podcast,

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Speaker 1: for Things with Amy Brown, the podcast that I co

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Speaker 1: host on Tuesdays, There's a live event that Amy is

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Speaker 1: putting on and I get to be a little part

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Speaker 1: of that, and it is happening on November five in Wichita, Kansas.

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Speaker 1: So if you have ever wanted to visit that part

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Speaker 1: of the country, or maybe you live in that part

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Speaker 1: of the country, you can buy tickets to that show.

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Speaker 1: They are online at select a seat dot com slash amy.

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Speaker 1: I'll put that in the show notes. Tickets are available

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Speaker 1: online right now at select a Seat slash amy, and

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Speaker 1: I will put that in the show notes for you.

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Speaker 1: So if you have been wanting to plan something fun

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Speaker 1: for yourself or a group of people, go and get

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Speaker 1: some tickets in met Sin, Wichita. And then the second

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Speaker 1: announcement is there is this magazine and Nashville, Nashville Fit

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Speaker 1: Magazine that does a an award edition of their publication

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Speaker 1: every year. Well they did do it the past year

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Speaker 1: or two, I think because they had some transitions in

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Speaker 1: their company, but they started the awards again and You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast was nominated for Best Local Podcast. So

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Speaker 1: if you would like to vote for that, you can

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Speaker 1: do that as well. You just go to Nashville Fit

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Speaker 1: Magazine dot com and the link to the voting is

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Speaker 1: on their homepage. I can put that in the show

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Speaker 1: notes as well. Also, Three Courts Therapy My therapy practice

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Speaker 1: has three clinicians me Stacy Buford and Janey's story and

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Speaker 1: we were all nominated for Best Mental Health Professionals. So

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Speaker 1: if you want to vote for that, you have to

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Speaker 1: vote for that as well because you have to vote

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Speaker 1: in all the categories. Um, you can give us a

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Speaker 1: little shout out as well. And you know, I don't

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Speaker 1: put a lot of steak in these kinds of awards

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Speaker 1: because they are subjective and they can be skewed and

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Speaker 1: all that, and it is fun to be recognized, and

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Speaker 1: it was really cool to get on there and see

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Speaker 1: that we were nominated and I didn't even really know

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Speaker 1: much about what was going on and they were doing

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Speaker 1: it again, so that was cool. If you want to

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Speaker 1: vote for us, we would love that. Don't feel pressured to.

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Speaker 1: If you don't want to support us, then don't. And

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Speaker 1: that's all for the announcement. So let's get into the question. So,

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Speaker 1: if you're new, we do one question every single week

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Speaker 1: and I read the question. We keep it anonymous, and

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Speaker 1: then we talk about it, and um, we kind of

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Speaker 1: get to somewhat of an answer slash. I give you

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Speaker 1: some things to think about. So I'm gonna read the

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Speaker 1: question and then we'll get into my thoughts. Hey, Cat,

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Speaker 1: I'm writing to ask you a question for couch Talks,

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Speaker 1: and I know you usually don't give specific advice, but

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Speaker 1: I'm hoping you might break a rule for me. I

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Speaker 1: really enjoyed the episode you did on friendship, and I've

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Speaker 1: been struggling with my own friendships very recently. Actually, I

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Speaker 1: think I've been struggling with them for a while, but

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Speaker 1: now I'm aware that there may be something I can

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Speaker 1: do about it. So I have this friend, let's call

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Speaker 1: her Jamie. Jamie and I have been friends from high

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Speaker 1: school and I'm now in my early thirties. I've always

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Speaker 1: been more of a passive person, and so throughout our friendship,

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Speaker 1: Jamie has done and said some things that have hurt

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Speaker 1: me here and there, but I've never confer on her

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Speaker 1: about them because I told myself they weren't that big

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Speaker 1: of a deal, or just ignored them altogether. We actually

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Speaker 1: joke about how we've never been in a fight before. Well,

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Speaker 1: thanks some part to this podcast, I've been working on

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Speaker 1: allowing myself to care about things more, including how I'm treated,

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Speaker 1: and because of this, I'm becoming more and more aware

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Speaker 1: when I'm actually treated poorly or unkindly. However, sometimes I

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Speaker 1: still get tripped up and wonder if I'm being dramatic

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Speaker 1: or if I have the right to be offended by

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Speaker 1: certain things. And this is where my question comes in.

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Speaker 1: Jamie and I have been friends for a long time.

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Speaker 1: During this time, I have only really dated like one

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Speaker 1: guy seriously and it ended about three years ago. Jamie,

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Speaker 1: on the other hand, has had four longer term relationships,

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Speaker 1: one in which has led to her getting engaged. We're

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Speaker 1: basically best friends, so of course we've talked about what

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Speaker 1: we imagine for a wedding day, and well, much to

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Speaker 1: my surprise, Jamie's dream wedding has changed to my dream wedding.

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Speaker 1: I won't get into the details, but the venue, the colors,

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Speaker 1: the time of year are just a few of the

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Speaker 1: major details that have already been confirmed by her that

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Speaker 1: match what my original dream wedding was. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if I'm being dramatic, because after all, I'm not even

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Speaker 1: dating someone. But what feels weird to me is that

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Speaker 1: she hasn't even acknowledged what she's doing, and it feels

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Speaker 1: like she's playing dumb. I don't want to bring any

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Speaker 1: negativity to her day, and I want her to have

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Speaker 1: the wedding of her dreams, but I can't help feeling

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Speaker 1: like I'm being taken advantage of. Do I have the

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Speaker 1: right to be upset by this? And if I do,

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Speaker 1: should I address it? And if I should address it,

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Speaker 1: what do I even say? I don't even know what

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Speaker 1: I would want to get out of doing. So It's

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Speaker 1: not like she's going to unplan her wedding. To be honest,

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Speaker 1: I feel kind of dumb writing this email right now,

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Speaker 1: but I just keep feeling this bubbling resentment every time

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Speaker 1: her wedding gets brought up. Help me, please? Okay, So

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Speaker 1: number one, straight out the bat, good for you for

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Speaker 1: working on yourself. That's a big deal, and it's hard,

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Speaker 1: and this is a really good example of how I

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Speaker 1: talk about the growing slash therapy process. And things tend

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Speaker 1: to get a little bit more difficult before they get better.

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Speaker 1: You're noticing more people treating you poorly now that you're

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Speaker 1: learning about your worth and possible people pleasing behavior, and

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Speaker 1: that kind of sucks in one aspect. It sucks to

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Speaker 1: feel taken advantage of, and then it sucks to have

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Speaker 1: to confront those experiences in order to propel the work

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Speaker 1: that you're doing on yourself. Now, in the long run,

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Speaker 1: you're going to be thinking yourself, but in the beginning

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Speaker 1: and in the middle of this, it's not so fun.

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Speaker 1: So you want to know if you have the right

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Speaker 1: to be upset with your friend, if you should say

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Speaker 1: something to her, and what you should say. Well, I

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Speaker 1: know you asked for specific advice, but there's gonna be

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Speaker 1: no surprise here. A lot of this is going to

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Speaker 1: come down to it depends. You can't help your feelings.

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Speaker 1: This is one thing that I actually can't answer straight up.

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Speaker 1: You can't help your feelings. They are what they are,

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Speaker 1: and rationalizing feelings is more of a defense mechanism. Every

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Speaker 1: single feeling is valid. Not all feelings are justified, but

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Speaker 1: every feeling is valid, which I'll explain. So let's say

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Speaker 1: you hate chocolate cake and your friend decides to have

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Speaker 1: chocolate cake at her wedding and you're mad about that. Okay,

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Speaker 1: Well it's valid that you're mad because you're mad and

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Speaker 1: you can't help your feelings, and it is real, but

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Speaker 1: it's not really justified. As your friend is picking out

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Speaker 1: the wedding cake she wants at her wedding for her,

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Speaker 1: not so much for you. Right, it's a silly example,

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Speaker 1: but you get the point. I hope now from a

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Speaker 1: therapist perspective, I would have a lot of questions for

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Speaker 1: you to help kind of identify if you should say

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Speaker 1: something or not. Um, I can't just answer that because

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Speaker 1: there's so many details that I am unsure of. And

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Speaker 1: I would want to know more about the feelings that

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Speaker 1: you feel, and I would want to know more about

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Speaker 1: the stories that you're writing in your head, and I

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Speaker 1: don't have the ability to do that. So I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: try to fill in some of the blanks here, and

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Speaker 1: we're going to do the best we can in a

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Speaker 1: way that might help guide you to get we're gonna

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Speaker 1: need to go. So people play value on things very differently.

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Speaker 1: I personally am not the kind of person who has

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Speaker 1: ever really put a lot of thought into my wedding day.

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Speaker 1: Of course, sometimes I'll be like, Oh, that would be

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Speaker 1: so cool or I really like that, but I've never

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Speaker 1: really planned details of it down to like what kind

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Speaker 1: of dress I would wear, or what the colors would be,

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Speaker 1: or what time of year, Like yeah, like I wou'd

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Speaker 1: be cool to have a faller winter wedding, and like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know if that's what I'm going to have

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Speaker 1: because I don't know what the circumstances of me getting

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Speaker 1: married are going to be now. Like I said, people

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Speaker 1: places value on different things differently. That's not been something

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Speaker 1: that I really like think about a lot, although there

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Speaker 1: are things that I think about a lot that other

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Speaker 1: people might not think about. What it sounds like to

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Speaker 1: me is that you do put a lot of emphasis

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Speaker 1: on this, and this has been something that's been really

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Speaker 1: important to you throughout your life. Some people plan their

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Speaker 1: wedding in detail in their head before they even meet

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Speaker 1: the person that they don't want to get married too,

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Speaker 1: and and that's totally fine. That's not the issue here.

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Speaker 1: What's important to note here is this is important to you,

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Speaker 1: and so that matters. It doesn't mean it needs to

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Speaker 1: be important to every everybody. And I think sometimes when

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Speaker 1: we ask that question, should I be mad about this,

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Speaker 1: we're seeing if that other person would be mad about it,

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Speaker 1: and like, yeah, that it can good to get a

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Speaker 1: different perspective, but it comes with the caveat of I

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Speaker 1: might not be mad about that, because I can't imagine

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Speaker 1: myself ever planning that before I'm dating or before I'm engaged.

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Speaker 1: But it matters to you and that's important. So you've

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Speaker 1: dreamt about this day and you've talked about it with

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Speaker 1: your friend and confidence, and then all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: there's this thing that feels like betrayal right in front

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Speaker 1: of you. And to me, it feels like there's two

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Speaker 1: major stories here. One is the story that she stole

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Speaker 1: your idea and is plain dumb because she knows that

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Speaker 1: you won't say anything or care, or she just is

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Speaker 1: kind of like taking advantage of that part of you

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Speaker 1: that doesn't really say anything even if you do care.

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Speaker 1: And then two, if she does this for her wedding,

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Speaker 1: then you probably can't do it for your wedding. So

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Speaker 1: the first story I'm unsure of the truth of because

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Speaker 1: there's a lot in that, But the second story you

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Speaker 1: get to decide if that's true or not. It's more

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Speaker 1: of an opinion. I don't think there's any rules out

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Speaker 1: there that say that you can't do something that somebody

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Speaker 1: else has already done at their wedding, And I feel

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Speaker 1: like there will be a lot of different people at

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Speaker 1: both of your weddings, so I find it unnecessary to

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Speaker 1: rob you and your guests of the experience that you

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Speaker 1: want for yourself and your guests. And this whole idea

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Speaker 1: kind of makes me think about this talk that I

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Speaker 1: listened to one time, and I don't remember the speaker's name.

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Speaker 1: I really wish I did, because I would love to

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Speaker 1: give him credit for this, and it kind of goes

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Speaker 1: in line with what I'm about to say. But the

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Speaker 1: speaker basically went through this timeline and talked about how

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Speaker 1: all these different artists were kind of copying other artists

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Speaker 1: work and how it helped the collective art grow and

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Speaker 1: become better. And he shared a quote from Picasso that

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Speaker 1: was good artists borrow and great artists steal. And then

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Speaker 1: later I know he said this because I wrote notes

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Speaker 1: in my phone about his talk. This was four years ago,

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Speaker 1: yet I did not write the speaker's name, and I'm

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Speaker 1: upset about that. But anyway, so later he wrote, and

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Speaker 1: I wrote this down. I want to give you full

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Speaker 1: permission to not be original. You don't have to be

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Speaker 1: original because there are a lot of road maps out

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Speaker 1: there already. It's okay to get inspiration from others. And

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Speaker 1: I run into this. Actually, this fear myself a lot.

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Speaker 1: I want to be original. I want to have original thoughts, opinions, content,

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Speaker 1: but The thing is, we all get what we produce

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Speaker 1: and think from somewhere. Sometimes we credit those people and

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Speaker 1: sometimes we don't, and sometimes that's because we don't even

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Speaker 1: recognize where it's coming from. So there's nobody to credit regardless.

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Speaker 1: What I want you to know is that just because

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Speaker 1: someone does something, it doesn't mean that you can't do

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Speaker 1: it too, And you can do in a way that

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Speaker 1: you like better and it can still be yours. Somebody

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Speaker 1: can use your idea, somebody can steal your idea, but

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Speaker 1: they can't tell you that you can't use your idea. Now,

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Speaker 1: I know that wasn't the more important part that you

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Speaker 1: wrote in the email. I think the more important part

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Speaker 1: was where you were saying, is it okay for me

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Speaker 1: to feel these things? Once? Yes, it's okay for you

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Speaker 1: to feel whatever. It's something that's a hill I will

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Speaker 1: die on. But the other part is should I say something? Then?

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Speaker 1: What should I say? Well, this question to me lies

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Speaker 1: more in line with the first story, and I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: repeat that, the story that she stole your idea and

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Speaker 1: is playing dumb and she knows that you won't say

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Speaker 1: anything because you either don't care or you're too non

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Speaker 1: confrontational to say that you care. And what I want

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Speaker 1: you to know is that if this matters to you. Again,

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Speaker 1: if this matters to you, it matters. You can keep

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Speaker 1: this story in your head, right that we're unsure the

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Speaker 1: validity of. And you can use some old mechanisms to

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Speaker 1: shove down those feelings and to tell yourself it's not

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Speaker 1: that big of a deal, and to tell yourself that

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Speaker 1: you shouldn't care, and to tell yourself that whatever you

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Speaker 1: want to tell yourself. That allows you to shove your

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Speaker 1: authentic feelings down, Or you can talk to a friend

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Speaker 1: about something that matters to you. They're going to be

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Speaker 1: benefits and they're going to be consequences of both, and

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Speaker 1: you have to decide what benefits are more important to you. Right,

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Speaker 1: Some people really value the benefit that being non confrontational

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Speaker 1: gives them, in the sense of I don't have to

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Speaker 1: have anxiety about having those conversations, I don't have to

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Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable in those conversations. I don't have to have

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Speaker 1: outer conflict in my life, although there's a lot of

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Speaker 1: inner conflict going on. And who am I to say

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Speaker 1: that that's not the right choice for you. I can't

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Speaker 1: make that decision even as a therapist, and we can

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Speaker 1: choose the say something not says something differently in different circumstances. Right,

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Speaker 1: So you can say, hey, I'm actually not going to

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Speaker 1: say something here, but there are things that I would

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Speaker 1: definitely say something about. But then you might look at

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Speaker 1: the consequences and benefits of saying something and not saying something.

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Speaker 1: You might say, hey, actually, there are some consequences here.

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Speaker 1: There's some some discomfort and and there's some messiness here,

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Speaker 1: and there's some risk involved with how this conversation is

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Speaker 1: going to go. And the benefit is I get to

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Speaker 1: actually speak my truth and I don't usually do that.

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Speaker 1: The benefit is I get to honor myself, and I

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Speaker 1: get to honor this part of me that I've shoved

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Speaker 1: down for a really long time. The benefit is I

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Speaker 1: get to show myself that I'm worthy of speaking up

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Speaker 1: for myself. I get to show myself that I matter.

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Speaker 1: I get to actually see if this story is true,

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Speaker 1: and it might be beneficial to me to know that, um,

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Speaker 1: if it's something I made up in my head, or

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Speaker 1: if there is truth to it. And I get to

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Speaker 1: make a decision about the kinds of things I tell

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Speaker 1: my friends based on that or the specific friend. So

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Speaker 1: I think what might help is you write down, like,

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Speaker 1: what's the benefit of having this conversation right, and what

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Speaker 1: might that cost me? And on the other side, what's

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Speaker 1: the benefit of not having this conversation and what might

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Speaker 1: that cost me? And that might lead you to where

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Speaker 1: you want to go. And I will also add that

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Speaker 1: I don't think you're going to find a space where

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Speaker 1: you're like all signs point here, right, because there's gonna

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Speaker 1: be benefits to both. I think a lot of times

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Speaker 1: that's what we want. We think that to make the

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Speaker 1: right decision for us, it's going to be up like

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Speaker 1: no way that this can go wrong. Answer like you're

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Speaker 1: gonna have like shining bright red glow in the dark

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Speaker 1: arrows that are pointing to do this thing. And a

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Speaker 1: lot of times that's not how it is. You can

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Speaker 1: make both decisions. And I don't think this is going

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Speaker 1: to make or break your life, but it might benefit

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Speaker 1: your life in a certain way based on what you decide,

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Speaker 1: And it might impact your life in a certain way

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Speaker 1: and your friendship in a certain way based on what

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Speaker 1: you decide. But you get to be the decider of that,

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Speaker 1: and I think that's going to be in line with

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Speaker 1: it sounds like the work that you're doing. Right, I'm

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Speaker 1: learning to listen to myself. I'm learning to not shut

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Speaker 1: things down. And I want you to take the time

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Speaker 1: to really listen to yourself and have this conversation that

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Speaker 1: it sounds like you're having in your head, maybe out

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Speaker 1: loud on some paper with yourself and see where that

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Speaker 1: takes you. But regardless of all of this, I want

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Speaker 1: you to know, and I want anybody who's listening to

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Speaker 1: know that just because somebody does something that does not

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Speaker 1: mean that you can't also do it. That is something

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Speaker 1: that so many people get paralyzed in and I just

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Speaker 1: think it's silly, like it's not it's not fair for

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Speaker 1: there to be one person that can do each thing

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Speaker 1: in the world. That doesn't actually make any sense. So

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Speaker 1: if you want to have this wedding and she's having

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Speaker 1: that wedding, and and let's say a year or two

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Speaker 1: or ten years, you get engaged and you're like, that's

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Speaker 1: still my dream wedding, you get to still do that.

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Speaker 1: I support it, all right. That is going to do

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Speaker 1: it for me today. I hope you guys enjoy this

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Speaker 1: episode and remember Bert you can get tickets to that show.

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Speaker 1: Select a seat dot com slash amy and you can

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Speaker 1: vote for You Need Therapy Podcast and me or some

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Speaker 1: of my clinicians at Natural Fit Magazine dot com. If

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Speaker 1: you would like to follow me or the podcast, you

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Speaker 1: can do that on Instagram at You Need Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: and at cat dot de fata and I hope you

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Speaker 1: guys have the day that you need to have, the

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Speaker 1: week that you need to have, the moment that you

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Speaker 1: need to have, maybe the conversation that you need to have.

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Speaker 1: And I will be back with you guys on Monday. Bye,