Speaker 1: Portions of This is Americans Live. The improvised documentary podcast,
Speaker 1: are brought to you by listeners like yourself, are esteemed sponsors,
Speaker 1: and the all powerful, all knowing Random Sentence Generator, which
Speaker 1: inspires the stories you're about to hear. Yes, whenever you
Speaker 1: hear this sound, the next sentence you hear is a
Speaker 1: random sentence provided by our revered, omnipotent random sentence Generator.
Speaker 1: For more This is Americans Live. Listened to more episodes
Speaker 1: of This is Americans Live. I guess and now your
Speaker 1: first random sentence. The Great Dane looked more like a
Speaker 1: horse than a dog. At least that's what everybody in
Speaker 1: the neighborhood dot. I thought it was a horse. We
Speaker 1: were on our walk in the morning and I looked
Speaker 1: off in the distance and I said, look at that
Speaker 1: horse over there. You nevered that that it might be
Speaker 1: a dog never really crossed my mind. Actually, was there
Speaker 1: anybody walking it or it is it's just pre roaming. Yeah,
Speaker 1: somebody was walking it with with a leash on it,
Speaker 1: and I remember thinking to myself, look at that horse
Speaker 1: on a leash being walked by someone as if it
Speaker 1: were a dog. But then they never got on Usually
Speaker 1: you see a person who was so walking a horse
Speaker 1: and then they get on it. It was so weird.
Speaker 1: And then I wondered if that was the same because
Speaker 1: remember last night, Remember I called you when I said, hey,
Speaker 1: it's three in the morning and this horse next door
Speaker 1: is barking like a dog. Remember, Yeah, that that horse
Speaker 1: cut me up all night. Barking like a dog was
Speaker 1: crazy And my first thought was when did they teach
Speaker 1: that horse to bark? And that was the dynamic of
Speaker 1: their friendship. They would call each other in the middle
Speaker 1: of the night, sometimes the middle of the day. I'd say, hey,
Speaker 1: you see something that they thought was something else or
Speaker 1: just general go about the neighborhood. So I called him up.
Speaker 1: It was four o'clock in the morning. I was asleep,
Speaker 1: he was asleep, and I said, hey, earlier today, did
Speaker 1: you see that airplane that had a propeller on it
Speaker 1: and it was making a helicopter sound? And I said,
Speaker 1: was it the one around to three in the afternoon
Speaker 1: above our houses? Yeah, the one that was shining the
Speaker 1: light spotlight trying to catch somebody. It is the craziest
Speaker 1: loine to think. You guys, before you years published you
Speaker 1: first magazine, it was pretty soon after a lot of
Speaker 1: people in the neighborhood want to know what's going on,
Speaker 1: and I think, um, you know, with conglomerate's buying up
Speaker 1: all the newspapers, there's no local news anymore. So so
Speaker 1: we started publishing. Can you believe what I saw? A magazine?
Speaker 1: And right now it's just quickly street, but we hoped
Speaker 1: to expand the other streets. And the weird thing about
Speaker 1: our magazine is that it actually looks like a book.
Speaker 1: Got a hardcover. We want a lot of pages, no
Speaker 1: no pictures, but it's the magazine. It's pretty successful with
Speaker 1: the adventure with this magazine. Slash Book turned into the magazine.
Speaker 1: They didn't realize that there was a competing local gabbler.
Speaker 1: I want to go talk to the editor of the
Speaker 1: Local Gap. Yeah, I've been editing the Local Gabbler going
Speaker 1: on twenty nine days, and is Johnny come lately? Comes
Speaker 1: in here with this? Look what I saw? Can you
Speaker 1: believe what I saw? Book? Posing as a magazine? Why
Speaker 1: do you feel like you have such a footing in
Speaker 1: this industry only doing it for twenty nine days because
Speaker 1: nobody else was doing it up until this point. First
Speaker 1: come first Rich, But if they think that they could
Speaker 1: come into my neighborhood and start printing a competing book
Speaker 1: size magazine. Because my magazine, the Local Gabbler, I also
Speaker 1: talk about things that I see. For example, in the
Speaker 1: next issue, I'll be doing a four page spread about
Speaker 1: a guy interviewing me. I decided to talk to some
Speaker 1: of the locals see if they had an opinion or
Speaker 1: like a pepsi choice, the local Gabbler or the other one.
Speaker 1: What is this smell? What this is there too? What's
Speaker 1: they're magazines that um kind of talk about things that
Speaker 1: they see. It's about us. Yeah, this is the first
Speaker 1: time hearing of any sort of publication like this. Does
Speaker 1: I don't really have any thoughts on don't want to
Speaker 1: way or the other. I'm not really giving you much,
Speaker 1: so we should probably just start the show. This is
Speaker 1: This is Americans Live. I'm your host Starry with producer Andy.
Speaker 1: Our special guest contributor for this episode is Jacob read
Speaker 1: In a show will be using our trustee Sense Generator
Speaker 1: to bring you story in three improvised acts. This week's
Speaker 1: theme secrets. We all have them. I have them. You
Speaker 1: probably have some, but we keep them to ourselves. And
Speaker 1: it is safe in our mind. We don't tell other people,
Speaker 1: but sometimes secrets come out. Stay with us. Act. It
Speaker 1: took him a month to finish the meal. He started
Speaker 1: it exactly three days prior a big meal. I mean
Speaker 1: that he could put back in the fridge and then
Speaker 1: repeat every day. But he was hacking away at it
Speaker 1: like a redwood. But started out was a gigantic mortgae
Speaker 1: sport was slowly turning into a snack. Are you what
Speaker 1: are you doing down here? Come to bed. I'm savor
Speaker 1: in it meal again. I've paid for it. When I'm
Speaker 1: gonna give him a man's war, you on your meal.
Speaker 1: This is the world's largest chicken Farmagiana. Okay, well, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna go to bed. Then, are we up a
Speaker 1: couple of hours? Right? What do you mean you don't
Speaker 1: believe me? I don't believe you. You've been eating with
Speaker 1: meal NonStop for thirty days. Of course you're not gonna
Speaker 1: come upstairs. You're gonna sit here and you're gonna eat it,
Speaker 1: and you're gonna fall asleep in it. Damn straight. Do
Speaker 1: you find that the taste of the first bite is
Speaker 1: very different than the taste that you're having tonight? The
Speaker 1: taste of meal changes and matures over days and days,
Speaker 1: starts out fresh and festers and blossoms like a wine.
Speaker 1: Eight ages. Yeah right, ringing, yes, Hi. My name is
Speaker 1: solved Frankfurt. I represent the Guinness World Records Committee. I'm
Speaker 1: afraid I have some unfortunate news. There was a man
Speaker 1: in Knoxville who has been eating the same meal for
Speaker 1: the three days. This sort of thing is never easy.
Speaker 1: But if he finished it, yeah, he finished it. Where
Speaker 1: I'm still eating. I don't need it. I'm sorry, good
Speaker 1: good luck to you, sir, and decided to go meet
Speaker 1: the other guy, the competitor, M thirty three days? What
Speaker 1: exactly are you eating? What is that? A giant pretzels? About? Well?
Speaker 1: It's good wife. Is there a follow up question? Sir? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was getting to it. What is it? Um? I forgot?
Speaker 1: I'm so distracted by your smacking and I just I've
Speaker 1: lost all my faculties as an interviewer. That are you
Speaker 1: coming to my third grade graduation? Two questions? Does it
Speaker 1: conflict with my eating? And the second question, why do
Speaker 1: you have a third grade graduation ceremony? I don't know
Speaker 1: if it conflicts with you're eating, because you're always eating
Speaker 1: that astronomy pretzel, and teacher says third grade graduation is
Speaker 1: important because then you mark the day that you become
Speaker 1: a fourth grader. Well, teacher doesn't know about the hardsticks
Speaker 1: of food eating. What's the do you want to do
Speaker 1: another one? Yeah? He had accidentally hacked into his company's server. Originally,
Speaker 1: he was just playing a game of Solitaire, and all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, all these company files started popping up,
Speaker 1: populating a screen, and you knew all their secrets, all
Speaker 1: their in discretions. But this queen here, who I don't
Speaker 1: think I should be looking at this? But can I
Speaker 1: get I t over here? Alan? Alan, come look at
Speaker 1: the screen? Look what popped up? Is this? Is this
Speaker 1: all right? Yeah? We had always had problems with Barry
Speaker 1: he Um, he would frequently be playing mind Sweeper or Solitaire,
Speaker 1: which first of all, he really shouldn't be doing on
Speaker 1: company time, but invariably he would end up on some
Speaker 1: pornographic site or company files or a government server. And um,
Speaker 1: he's either the stupidest person I've ever met or the smartest.
Speaker 1: So he was kind of like a hacker idiots all
Speaker 1: kind of type. Yeah, I guess, so I wanted to
Speaker 1: turn him in Why didn't you guess I really should
Speaker 1: have the first thing I'm gonna do is hack into
Speaker 1: the main frame, trace the key strokes, and then we'll
Speaker 1: be in here you go, I'm just gonna you've got nail.
Speaker 1: That's cool. No no time for that now, I guess
Speaker 1: it's just every point. If you don't hack into this
Speaker 1: server within thirty minutes, I'm gonna bring in somebody else.
Speaker 1: I can do it. I can do it. Possible A
Speaker 1: sagative one seven. Hell with it? Calberry, Calberry, Because at
Speaker 1: that moment, if we figured out that he could only
Speaker 1: do it if he was trying not to do it,
Speaker 1: what would you have him do? You just bring him
Speaker 1: to the computer and just I would tell him he
Speaker 1: had to do a snood and then um, you know,
Speaker 1: he would be into no rod to do what a snood?
Speaker 1: A snood is a it's a computer game for morons.
Speaker 1: It's um your blast. There's different faces. Right going to
Speaker 1: the archives, I wanted to see what the snood was,
Speaker 1: so I had to find the commercial for Snood and
Speaker 1: he was right, the kids do you like games? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Are you also a moron? What? Then? You love Snoot?
Speaker 1: The game for kids who are also morons. It's a
Speaker 1: game for morons. Tell me takes a chain? What's a turn?
Speaker 1: So you had Barry just hop on the computer and
Speaker 1: he would just hack into Norad. He didn't even know
Speaker 1: what he was doing. Yeah, well he's a savant, and
Speaker 1: we were trying to get the missile coats right for
Speaker 1: the United States systems. All right, I mean the boss says,
Speaker 1: I'm not supposed to be playing Snoot, but I guess
Speaker 1: I'll guess I'll play anyway, since you got a gun
Speaker 1: to my head. Oh what is this? What are these missiles?
Speaker 1: Something that's no? Norah had something I don't I don't
Speaker 1: know what that is. Do you want me to take
Speaker 1: a screenshot and send this to you? Just keep going? Okay,
Speaker 1: okay one player? Oh is this schematics of the Pentagon?
Speaker 1: Just you're doing such good snow ding? Okay, okay, where
Speaker 1: do I How do I pick my pick my sprite? WHOA?
Speaker 1: This is social security number and a credit card information?
Speaker 1: Just just all good? Okay, this doesn't seem right. A
Speaker 1: few years went by, Barry was recruited by the n S. A.
Speaker 1: He want me to go to a different country. We
Speaker 1: want you to get into an internet cafe and just
Speaker 1: play games. Barry, that's what the U. S. Military wants
Speaker 1: you to do. Can you do that for your country?
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess we're giving you a stop end
Speaker 1: of one point two million dollars a year to go
Speaker 1: into internet cafes and play free web games and look
Speaker 1: at pornography exactly. All right, Well, by what do you
Speaker 1: would like to play? We have all types of internet
Speaker 1: cafe computers. This one is for my sweep. This one
Speaker 1: is for you not like you know, partnographics staff. You
Speaker 1: can pet quickly like you guys have fugie golf, remember golf, Yes,
Speaker 1: we have fulf He's fund in this compute. Here you
Speaker 1: play and then we charge if there yes, oh yeah
Speaker 1: it sounds good to me. All right, here we go.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna use the nine iron and wait Vladimir Putin's
Speaker 1: cell phone number. Hello, coming up at to the first
Speaker 1: the word from our esteemed sponsors stay with us at
Speaker 1: to interview. Our special guest contributor is Jacob Reid. Welcome, Welcome,
Speaker 1: thank you for having me, Thank you for being here.
Speaker 1: How long have you been a listener to the show?
Speaker 1: Ever since I can remember? Yeah, it seems to be
Speaker 1: very popular. Yeah, everybody's talking about what I think my
Speaker 1: parents used to play this in the car when they
Speaker 1: would it's possible. Yeah, yeah, Well I've been around for
Speaker 1: a while, so tell us a little about yourself, Jack.
Speaker 1: Do we know each other in real life? We go
Speaker 1: way back, so you currently if I'm gonna understand you
Speaker 1: have a family, I do. I have a family. I
Speaker 1: have a wife, uh and a small child. I have
Speaker 1: a toddler. Yes, he's twenty months old of this moment.
Speaker 1: What you are you gonna do in he's twenty one,
Speaker 1: I teach him to drink. Baby, let me give our
Speaker 1: son alcohol just because he's twenty one month. Yeah, don't
Speaker 1: be such a buzz kill. Google Pops wants to give
Speaker 1: me a beer or two on my twenty one month birthday.
Speaker 1: I think I get a beer at my twenty one
Speaker 1: one month. But we taught him to drive when he
Speaker 1: was sixteen months. We gave him a cigarette when he
Speaker 1: turned eighteen months, and I did that about you, Pop.
Speaker 1: He's gonna rent a car when he's twenty five months.
Speaker 1: We did a keen say at fifteen, we did at
Speaker 1: bar Mitzva at thirteen. We covered other bases. Basically, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I want to be a good dad. Sod you meet
Speaker 1: you life. This is a real now, everything's real, Okay.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry to be still thrown by it. And it's okay.
Speaker 1: I wasn't really your baby just now though, I but
Speaker 1: you sounded just like Jim, I was. I was playing
Speaker 1: the part of it. Sounded exactly like my son. Sometimes
Speaker 1: the producer will take us back to a moment in
Speaker 1: time that you may have just mentioned. Just know that
Speaker 1: got it and that's just him. That's end me. It's him,
Speaker 1: got it okay, because I would just prefer to stay
Speaker 1: in the interview. Got it right? How did you meet
Speaker 1: your wife? We met in college class. We never had
Speaker 1: any classes together that I know of, um, but we
Speaker 1: It was in the early days of Facebook, where you
Speaker 1: like run into someone once you know their first name
Speaker 1: and like that's it, and you truly could stock them.
Speaker 1: It wasn't as creepy. I mean, maybe it was, but
Speaker 1: it didn't feel as creepy back then. Everyone of any gender,
Speaker 1: like you meet someone, you look them up and then
Speaker 1: your friends on Facebook and you might not ever talk
Speaker 1: to them again. How long were you stalking her line
Speaker 1: before you actually popped the question? Hi? All right, Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm the maid of honor. I'd like to make a
Speaker 1: toast please the happy futle. So I remember when you
Speaker 1: came back to our dorm and you told me you
Speaker 1: barely came into contact with a man. And now you're
Speaker 1: pretty scared because he's watching you and stalking you, and
Speaker 1: you think he might be the one. And I just
Speaker 1: want to say, I am so glad that the judge
Speaker 1: didn't enforce the restraining order, because had he done that,
Speaker 1: we wouldn't all be here today. Thank you, Jacob. We're
Speaker 1: all still kind of scared, but we know that eventually,
Speaker 1: once she gets to know you, you you will be perfect
Speaker 1: for each other. And that's all. That's all I got.
Speaker 1: That's all good. Thank you so much. Can you again, places,
Speaker 1: I'm going on honeymoon. Okay, whereas if you don't hear
Speaker 1: from two weeks, oh, my parents tell absolutely happened to me.
Speaker 1: I will just be careful, don't be Okay. This is
Speaker 1: the happiest, the scariest day in my way. I'm pretty
Speaker 1: scared too. Besties forever. Is that kind of help? Only
Speaker 1: a couple of things. Differently, as you know that she
Speaker 1: was going to be the one for you, I feel
Speaker 1: like I knew really early on, like the cliche of
Speaker 1: like just you know, we had been dating for uh,
Speaker 1: well maybe not that we were going to get married,
Speaker 1: but we had been dating for a couple of weeks,
Speaker 1: and I was like, ah, shit, like I I don't
Speaker 1: think I wanted a serious relationship at that point, and um,
Speaker 1: you were bit huh, you were bitten. It's just it
Speaker 1: just felt like a connection where it was like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is gonna be like a really long this is
Speaker 1: gonna be a long thing. So you're just like living
Speaker 1: your single guy life. You know, You've just got in
Speaker 1: a few dates with her, you're dating two three weeks,
Speaker 1: and you're up getting your normal Saturday morning cereal, and
Speaker 1: the love bug just came into me. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: pretty much works. So, um the famous fable of the
Speaker 1: love bug. Can you walk us through that day when
Speaker 1: you were the cereal? J Christ Please? I wake up
Speaker 1: at four thirty in the morning, which is what I
Speaker 1: always do to get my crisp backs. What I do
Speaker 1: is I wake up at four dirty in the morning.
Speaker 1: Got you sucker your mother. I don't try to bite
Speaker 1: me asshole night. Listen. I'm gonna go right, go left.
Speaker 1: But we are going to bite. We are going to
Speaker 1: bite glove bug scrabble ensemble and this feels like a
Speaker 1: different bowl of cereal day. At that point, did you
Speaker 1: realize that you wanted to eat that bowl with two
Speaker 1: spoons and you're not necessarily holding the other spoon. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so you got bit by this legion of bucks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean we didn't. We didn't. Um. Let's say we
Speaker 1: started dating in the end of eleven and then we
Speaker 1: got married. So I must have proposed when I met her.
Speaker 1: How long had you had you guys been dating? Do
Speaker 1: you remember that day? I don't know. I don't know what.
Speaker 1: What was your impression of our relationship when you met
Speaker 1: us as a couple, because you had known me? If
Speaker 1: I'm being completely honest and not being does not meet
Speaker 1: me being cheesy. I knew you guys are gonna get married, okay,
Speaker 1: and next toast is from ari Ye all right, Um,
Speaker 1: I remember when I saw you guys at D E
Speaker 1: T s Um. I knew you guys are gonna get married.
Speaker 1: I didn't tell her that I knew, Nor did I
Speaker 1: tell you that I knew Jacob, But I knew. And
Speaker 1: that's how well. If you want to listen to my
Speaker 1: recording that I did right after I had met you
Speaker 1: two at ts uh here, let me just play it
Speaker 1: for you and twelve. I can't remember my month is
Speaker 1: or what day A little drunk I just left tuts.
Speaker 1: I saw Jacob and his wife for his future wife, Heather.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure they're gonna get married. End of recording.
Speaker 1: How are your toast has run a little long? We're
Speaker 1: gonna want to all right, thank you so much. This
Speaker 1: is Jacob and Heather's wedding day with us. My producer
Speaker 1: wants me to ask you about being a father because
Speaker 1: he is also a father, So you guys can share
Speaker 1: fader about being fathers. Oh, father father. What's been the
Speaker 1: most surprisingly challenging thing about being a new parent. I
Speaker 1: think the most surprisingly hard thing is how much baggage
Speaker 1: you have from how you were raised that you didn't
Speaker 1: even know existed. I think baggage is kind of comes
Speaker 1: with territory when you when your parents. I know, my
Speaker 1: dad brought baggage into the relationship, and I bring baggage
Speaker 1: to the relationship to my kids. Guys, when I talk
Speaker 1: to my dad, Yeah, yeah you have Do you have
Speaker 1: footage of of your dad? So are we talking to him.
Speaker 1: Are we listening to a recording of him? My dad's here? Oh? Hey,
Speaker 1: are you doing? I'm ahere is dead, I'm always dead.
Speaker 1: You're always Dadira? Hi, what's it? What's your name? My
Speaker 1: name is Irah. My son's are so I raised my kid.
Speaker 1: They're very nice to meet you. You're very welcome you, guys.
Speaker 1: I didn't thank you. Would you like meeting my son?
Speaker 1: We already know your son pretty well. Hey, let's up, guys.
Speaker 1: Are can I talk to your dad again? Yeah? I
Speaker 1: really want to get to know. Are you doing? I'm
Speaker 1: I'm always dead. Thank you for being part of the show.
Speaker 1: Thanks for having me. Yeah, it's great coming up at three?
Speaker 1: The first A word from our sponsors, who make this
Speaker 1: high quality program possible. Stay with us. At three, the
Speaker 1: sun had set, and so had his dreams. He had
Speaker 1: a lot of aspirations to be bigger things and more
Speaker 1: important than what he was, but anymore, I guess I
Speaker 1: just need to face it. I'm never going to be there.
Speaker 1: Don't say it, don't see it. I'm sorry. I just
Speaker 1: have to face facts. You're gonna be the best juggler. No,
Speaker 1: I'm never you are though, just I can't even grab
Speaker 1: any three things. Okay, this this knife, stapler, grab a
Speaker 1: stapler and this this other knife. Go for it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: any minute, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Look I'm
Speaker 1: doing it. At that moment, he stabbed himself with the knife.
Speaker 1: Look at god. I told you I tuldn't do it.
Speaker 1: Who's a lot of blood? Man? Just take Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: taking the doctor. No I'll take too late. No, I'm
Speaker 1: taking you. I'm taking you. Okay, he's gonna carry me
Speaker 1: to the car. Sorry, sorry, taking in. Yeah. So he's
Speaker 1: he's giving up his dreams. And he was gonna be
Speaker 1: a really good juggler. And then I gave him like
Speaker 1: three things to juggle one of them two of them
Speaker 1: are knives. And then he stabbed himself by accident? Would
Speaker 1: you classify this as an emergency? Yes, he's bleeding everywhere.
Speaker 1: My parents, all right, he's being dramatic. Can we please
Speaker 1: get him into the hospital. Please? The ductor will see
Speaker 1: you know? All right? What should problem? He was juggling
Speaker 1: two knives and a stapler and then and then and
Speaker 1: then wait what is this place too? Like a carnival?
Speaker 1: Come right? Is this the car's a carnal? Hospital? I
Speaker 1: just gonna fell a little weird. But the way she's like,
Speaker 1: come this way, so it's like maybe we lost a
Speaker 1: lot of bloody or we're gonna have to do a transfusion.
Speaker 1: Bear the nurse come in here, we please, uh I
Speaker 1: need blood for this coming right. Everyone said that this
Speaker 1: hospital feels like a circus, and we just thought, lean in,
Speaker 1: you know, and did you know that you're going to
Speaker 1: be treating a lot of like carnival performance type injuries.
Speaker 1: I guess that just worked out. I guess you build
Speaker 1: the crick at tent and you're gonna get clowns. That's
Speaker 1: what they say. Doctor, doctor, you've got to help my son.
Speaker 1: He put his head in inside of a lion's mouth,
Speaker 1: and he's said, oh, good time to get his head out.
Speaker 1: We're gonna do it. Those are two of our best surgeons,
Speaker 1: and did their big hands get in the way of
Speaker 1: doing delicate surgery. They did scalpel. Here you go, sus body.
Speaker 1: But they also performed the first balloon ectomy, and that's
Speaker 1: removing a balloon, removing a balloon that they had put
Speaker 1: in person and replacing it with a new balloon. Dcor
Speaker 1: this lama, it's to come out stand okay, to be
Speaker 1: replaced with a draft. So he opened up two branches. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we opened up two branches, Circus Hospital North and Circus
Speaker 1: Hospital and Circus Hospital South. We changed the name of
Speaker 1: Circus Hospital South after a famous musician named their child
Speaker 1: and copyrighted Circus Hospital South. And so we now have
Speaker 1: Circus hause Bittle North and then other Hospital, which is
Speaker 1: not a great name, but everyone knows what Everyone knows
Speaker 1: that that's the other hospital. Like if you say, if
Speaker 1: you say where, like where are you? Where's your grandma hat?
Speaker 1: She's at the other hospital. That's the name of the hospital.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out what's what's the name of
Speaker 1: that one, the other hospital? What's what do you call
Speaker 1: that one? Well, one is called Circus Hospital North, and
Speaker 1: then the other hospital is called the other hospital. Yes, receptionist, time,
Speaker 1: I'm here to here to see my grandmother. She's slipped
Speaker 1: and fell in in the tub. You're gonna want to
Speaker 1: call the other hospital? Okay, which one? The other hospital?
Speaker 1: Which one? You just want to You're gonna want to
Speaker 1: call the other hospital. Which hospitals that my grandmother? You
Speaker 1: have a pen? Yeah, okay, let me spell it for you.
Speaker 1: T Space O T H E R. I don't want
Speaker 1: to talk to this hospital. Yeah, O S P I
Speaker 1: T A. Which which one is it? It's the other hospital.
Speaker 1: My grandson going to crum Vision where I'm sorry, man,
Speaker 1: we don't we don't know. Just hang on, just hang
Speaker 1: on a little bit longer. The other hospital had inferently
Speaker 1: turned into a place for people who have been abandoned
Speaker 1: by family. I've been a private investigator for twenty three years,
Speaker 1: and most of our cases over the last three years
Speaker 1: I've ended up just at the other hospital. That's one
Speaker 1: of the first places we checked. Now, whenever we're looking
Speaker 1: for a missing person, a lot of people get caught
Speaker 1: in the Abbot and Costello loop of the name of
Speaker 1: the hospital, and um, that's where they lose them. I
Speaker 1: would say most of our businesses at this point people
Speaker 1: who end up in the other hospital, and some of
Speaker 1: the time they go missing for years. Luck. All right,
Speaker 1: there's meeting of the board of the other hospital. Isn't
Speaker 1: session I as the CEO of this hospital? Oh well
Speaker 1: now again, Yes you're on? Can they hear me? Yes,
Speaker 1: you're on? Who's this? This is Frank? All right, We're
Speaker 1: gonna go over the minutes from the last meeting. H
Speaker 1: you've discussed changing the name of the other hospital. Any
Speaker 1: any suggestions I move that we call it the other place.
Speaker 1: I think it should be called not that one. There's
Speaker 1: one vote for not that one. I think it should
Speaker 1: be called the hospital on the other side of town.
Speaker 1: One vote for the hospital on the other side of town. Oh,
Speaker 1: you know what I'd like to I'd like to add
Speaker 1: maybe calling it you know there, can we talk about
Speaker 1: our ID issues in the other hospital. If we had
Speaker 1: some kind of like database where Jurgis Hospital South Jurkis
Speaker 1: Hospital North could have all of the you know, then
Speaker 1: they would know who which patients are at other hospital.
Speaker 1: We just need somebody. Yeah, hey, I'm here to play
Speaker 1: Who called you? Who are you? His name tag says Berry. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm Berry. I'm here to I'm here to play mind sleeper.
Speaker 1: And I was bringing it up in a company meeting
Speaker 1: and you just show up. It's almost like you've been
Speaker 1: listening to us or something. I was called to come
Speaker 1: in and play freesel and then maybe I can basically
Speaker 1: hack into the system hospital Navy database now straightening out
Speaker 1: all of this hospital. Maybe business bow, let's have a
Speaker 1: big hand for this moron who bailed us out? Or
Speaker 1: producer Andy and their special guest contributor to Jacob reed,
Speaker 1: I'm your host, Ary and this was this is Americans
Speaker 1: life during this Next time, guys, I'm sorry, but this
Speaker 1: episode is a little short, so we're gonna have to
Speaker 1: do some more random sense is okay? Here? Jason lived
Speaker 1: his life by the motto anything worth doing is worth
Speaker 1: doing poorly. That's what he used to tell himself and
Speaker 1: of like a mantra to failure. As long as you
Speaker 1: keep your expectations low, you'll never fail. I mean you'll fail,
Speaker 1: but you'll you'll be okay with failing. Did you discover
Speaker 1: this mantra on your own or did it somebody give
Speaker 1: this to you? I just discovered it on my own.
Speaker 1: It was a lot of trial and error and error
Speaker 1: and error and error and error, and I just kind
Speaker 1: of landed on this. Is there anything that you find
Speaker 1: worth doing well? No? You know what, I take that back.
Speaker 1: There is one thing I do very well, and that's
Speaker 1: failic things. In fact, my wife here, I'm just a
Speaker 1: really really bad husband. It's true, terrible husband, one of
Speaker 1: the worst, emotionally abusive, but never on purpose, which is
Speaker 1: why I love him. I try to be a good man,
Speaker 1: but I just don't. Did you ever find that your
Speaker 1: husband's ability to do things terribly and to fail tremendously
Speaker 1: did you feel like that's why you're feeling on? Okay, honey,
Speaker 1: what he's doing right now is he's asking you a
Speaker 1: question and then you're going to go ahead and be
Speaker 1: honest and answer. So I'm just man explaining to my wife,
Speaker 1: which is perfect because because you're not supposed to do it,
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to do that, and I'm doing it anyway.
Speaker 1: And he set a goal, but I make a game
Speaker 1: out of it. I asked him, do you think you
Speaker 1: could be the worst love maker? And I said, challenge accepted,
Speaker 1: and boy, oh boy, the best night of our lives.
Speaker 1: It was the best any life because I had sex
Speaker 1: with my wife and I did very well that it.
Speaker 1: He did very very I did very well. So I
Speaker 1: did very good at sexy. So it's stands argue that
Speaker 1: there are some things that you do well by virtue
Speaker 1: of doing them poorly. Jesus Christ, I guess you're right,
Speaker 1: aren't you. Please don't ruin this for me? Still short,
Speaker 1: here's another word. He found a lepricon in his walnut shell,
Speaker 1: much like how some people find the mother Mary on
Speaker 1: a Georgilla finding hard hide, heard hide harder. Did you
Speaker 1: enjoy your walnut? No, it's a real African hurt. Not
Speaker 1: only did it look like it. First, I thought I'm
Speaker 1: the luckiest guy in the world. I opened up a walnut,
Speaker 1: and inside the walnut it looked like a lepricon, which
Speaker 1: means I've been blessed by the lepricns luck. And sure enough,
Speaker 1: a moment later it came to life hide heard it
Speaker 1: gerty hard And now because you have found me, you
Speaker 1: will be blessed with a part of sup. Oh what
Speaker 1: kind potato leak? Do I get to pick? Chicken tortilla?
Speaker 1: Chicken tortilla soup with the with the crispies, with the crispies.
Speaker 1: They're always after me lucky shoops. That sounds so familiar,
Speaker 1: and I don't. It's one of those It's like um
Speaker 1: an earworm, where I know what it is, but I
Speaker 1: don't know what it is. Well, I don't know what
Speaker 1: I mean. What do you think I am some sort
Speaker 1: of a stereotype. They're always after my lucky soup? Maybe
Speaker 1: that is it? Anyway, you can see why I feel
Speaker 1: so lucky. Bad news, guys, he had unknowingly taken up
Speaker 1: sleepwalking as a nighttime hobby. What what is it? What
Speaker 1: do you what do you what? What do you want?
Speaker 1: What do you want? Oh? No, you sleepwalking again? All right,
Speaker 1: We're just go just just let's just get you back
Speaker 1: to sleep. Just go all right. I thought i'd walk
Speaker 1: to the mall. I thought i'd walked to the mall. No,
Speaker 1: just go to just go to back to bed. Please,
Speaker 1: for the love of God, I'll try. Put the keys
Speaker 1: down and go back to sleep. I'm going to drive
Speaker 1: to the mall. No, you don't need to drive to
Speaker 1: the mall. You're sleepwalking again. Put the keys down and
Speaker 1: go back to sleep. I know. The doctor said that
Speaker 1: it would feel very important to do the things that
Speaker 1: I think I have to do. And that's how you
Speaker 1: know I'm sleepwalking, but I think I'm awake, and I
Speaker 1: know because I need to go to the mall. All right.
Speaker 1: So I'm looking over your chart here, and UM, I
Speaker 1: don't know how to tell you this, but you're gonna
Speaker 1: really feel like it's very important to do the things
Speaker 1: that you need to do in the middle of the night.
Speaker 1: That's how I know, obvious sleepwalking. Yeah, that's how you'll know.
Speaker 1: I feel like it happens, then you're sleepwalker. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: so you're gonna want to go to the front desk
Speaker 1: for billings. How do I know that I'm not sleep walking? Now?
Speaker 1: That depends. Do you feel like you have to be
Speaker 1: here at the doctor's office? Yeah? Oh my god. The
Speaker 1: court said I had to find out what was going
Speaker 1: on with this. You might be sleepwalking right now, and
Speaker 1: you just told me it's very important to go to
Speaker 1: the billing station. Do you agree that it's important for
Speaker 1: you to go to the building stage? I think so.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, you might be sleepwalking right now. It
Speaker 1: was the only hospital or doctor's office that was open
Speaker 1: at four in the morning. The gentleman was clearly sleepwalking.
Speaker 1: Oh Jesus, where you look at the time, it's four
Speaker 1: in the morning. Clearly you're sleepwalking. Okay, I think that's enough.
Speaker 1: Let's do the outro again Producer Andy and their special
Speaker 1: guest contributor to Jacob Reid. I'm your host, story and
Speaker 1: this was This is Americans Live joined us next time.
Speaker 1: This Is Americans Live can be found wherever you get
Speaker 1: your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review. You
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