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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and couch Talks is the special

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Speaker 1: bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer questions

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Speaker 1: that listeners send to me and you can send those

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Speaker 1: to Katherine at therapypodcast dot com. Now, a quick reminder

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Speaker 1: before we get into today's question that although this is

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Speaker 1: a podcast hosted by a therapist and I'm answering your questions,

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Speaker 1: this does not serve as a replacement or substitute for

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Speaker 1: any actual mental health services. However, we always hope that

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Speaker 1: these episodes can help you some way, somehow wherever you

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Speaker 1: are on your journey when you're listening to them. Now,

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Speaker 1: we usually do one question a week, and we always

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Speaker 1: keep them anonymous, and we're going to stay with that

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Speaker 1: trend today. So I'm going to get right into the

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Speaker 1: question and then we're going to talk about some of

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Speaker 1: my thoughts about it. So here it is. Hey, Kat,

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Speaker 1: I've been with my partner for two years. We have

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Speaker 1: had our ups and downs, but generally, if you would

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Speaker 1: have asked me last week if I planned to marry

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Speaker 1: this person, I would have said yes, easily. Things took

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Speaker 1: a turn this weekend. I had a weird feeling about

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Speaker 1: noticing my partner and that they had been on their

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Speaker 1: phone more than usual, and when I made comments about it,

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Speaker 1: they just laughed and joked I have a TikTok addiction. Well,

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Speaker 1: I ended up going through his phone, and while he

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Speaker 1: may be on TikTok too, I also found a text

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Speaker 1: thread with him and another woman that I don't know.

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Speaker 1: There wasn't anything necessarily sillacious about the conversation, but it

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Speaker 1: was very consistent and, in my opinion, very flirty. I

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Speaker 1: brought it up, and the conversation ended up being more

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Speaker 1: about me not trusting him and breaking his trust by

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Speaker 1: going through his phone than his actions and his relationship

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Speaker 1: with this person. I really don't know what to do now,

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Speaker 1: and I'm afraid that the right thing to do is

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Speaker 1: something that I don't want to do. Do you think

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Speaker 1: this is means for a breakup? Or would you encourage

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Speaker 1: me to try and work this out with my partner?

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Speaker 1: Thanks a lot. Okay, so one, You've had quite the weekend,

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Speaker 1: and I'm grateful that you're sending this in and also

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Speaker 1: not grateful that this has happened to you. I can't

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Speaker 1: imagine almost like the punch in the gut that might

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Speaker 1: have felt for you when you opened up his phone

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Speaker 1: and found that text thread. Now with that, I don't

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Speaker 1: think that there is a right thing to do generally.

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Speaker 1: I think that there is a right thing to do

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Speaker 1: for you. And I also know that there is so

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Speaker 1: much more information that I don't have based on this

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Speaker 1: email that is going to help you make this decision.

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Speaker 1: And I just want to say, first of all, this

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Speaker 1: decision gets to be something that you make and you

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Speaker 1: get to take really agency over that. There's a lot

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Speaker 1: of power and empowerment in that where if it's something

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Speaker 1: that you want to work on, you can do that.

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Speaker 1: I want you to be really aware of why and

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Speaker 1: what your reasoning behind that is, and if you would,

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Speaker 1: if you want to walk away, you get to do that.

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Speaker 1: There isn't a right or wrong. People might think that,

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Speaker 1: but that is impossible for us to make those very

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Speaker 1: clear distinctions on situations that we and when I say we, us,

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Speaker 1: the outside world doesn't have the full story on this

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Speaker 1: email doesn't give me necessarily the full story. Now, I

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Speaker 1: will say the first thing that I noticed when I

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Speaker 1: read this was at the beginning, you said generally, if

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Speaker 1: you would have asked me if I planned to marry

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Speaker 1: this person, I would have easily said yes. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if that's just me looking into certain parts of this,

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Speaker 1: but it sounds like an odd way to put that,

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Speaker 1: and I'm curious what generally means. Generally, if you had

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Speaker 1: asked me, is there something behind that word? I sense

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Speaker 1: maybe there is more than just this current situation that

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Speaker 1: you're emailing me about that's giving you mixed messages about

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Speaker 1: the state of your relationship. I kind of get the

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Speaker 1: sense that there are other things that have been kind

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Speaker 1: of poking at you. And I also get that sense

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Speaker 1: because if this is somebody that you trust and you've

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Speaker 1: been with for a while and something like this has

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Speaker 1: never happened, Yeah, it might be weird somebody's been on

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Speaker 1: their phone a little bit more than normal, but that

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Speaker 1: wouldn't necessarily mean, hey, I need to get through his phone.

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Speaker 1: That's kind of a big jump unless there are other

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Speaker 1: messages that you've been getting or other things that you've

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Speaker 1: experienced in that relationship or maybe in relationships from your past,

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Speaker 1: and it was reminding you of that. Now, what I

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Speaker 1: would really encourage you to look at. And what I

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Speaker 1: would encourage you to do is process some of these things.

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Speaker 1: What do you need in order to feel safe and

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Speaker 1: cared for moving forward in this relationship? Because I don't

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Speaker 1: know if you're feeling that way right now? Is it

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Speaker 1: possible to find that here? Is it possible to find

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Speaker 1: a place where you feel safe and cared for by

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Speaker 1: this person in your relationship? Or are you engaging as

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Speaker 1: some wishful thinking where you've been kind kind of ignoring

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Speaker 1: some you know, yellow flags, red flags, You've been trying

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Speaker 1: to see the bright side. You've been trying to give

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Speaker 1: the benefit of the doubt time after time after time,

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Speaker 1: and maybe it's not possible for you to gain that

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Speaker 1: safety and you know, feeling of being cared for and

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Speaker 1: thought of and appreciated in your relationship. So is that possible?

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Speaker 1: I guess I would first ask is that something you want?

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Speaker 1: And I would hope that you would say yes, and too,

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Speaker 1: is that possible to find that? And if so, what

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Speaker 1: do you need in order to feel that and to

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Speaker 1: gain that? And then can you ask for that from

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Speaker 1: your partner and how they respond to that? The other

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Speaker 1: thing I'm just curious about that I think would help

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Speaker 1: you identify if you want to work on this or

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Speaker 1: if you are ready to walk away. Is what is

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Speaker 1: keeping you in it? This is really big, and I

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Speaker 1: think some people answer that really simply and say, well,

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Speaker 1: I love this person. That can't just be the answer.

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Speaker 1: What do you love about this person? Do you feel

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Speaker 1: loved by this person? What keeps you in it? Other

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Speaker 1: than the fact that you just have feelings of love

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Speaker 1: towards us person? What else is encouraging you to stay

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Speaker 1: in that relationship? And there's a part of me that

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Speaker 1: wants to give examples of answers that might come up,

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Speaker 1: but I don't want to put anything in your head

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Speaker 1: so other than the love that you maybe feel or

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Speaker 1: you don't feel, what is keeping you in that relationship?

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Speaker 1: That is going to be a real indicator into if

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Speaker 1: this is something that is actually for you and something

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Speaker 1: that you can see yourself and want your future self

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Speaker 1: to be in, or if it's something that you are

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Speaker 1: trying to convince yourself is better than maybe what it is.

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Speaker 1: I need to look up where this was from. I

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Speaker 1: don't remember exactly what's from, but I saw an article

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Speaker 1: recently talking about how one of the reasons people have

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Speaker 1: a hard time making decisions for their future selves. Is

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Speaker 1: because they don't see themselves their future selves as people

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Speaker 1: that they know. They see them as strangers. And it's

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Speaker 1: kind of the same idea of you know, it's easier

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Speaker 1: for us to do things and go to our way

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Speaker 1: for people that we know. And I mean that's with anything.

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Speaker 1: It's easier for us to make decisions, and whether that

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Speaker 1: is sacrifice or not sacrifice things for people that we

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Speaker 1: know than people that we don't know, and we have

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Speaker 1: stronger feelings towards those people. That makes sense, And when

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Speaker 1: we think of our future selves, we sometimes reference those

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Speaker 1: people as strangers. We don't identify with those people because

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Speaker 1: there are people we have not met yet. And I

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Speaker 1: really want you to take that into account of your

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Speaker 1: future self. What kind of relationship do you want your

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Speaker 1: future self to be in? What kind of partner do

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Speaker 1: you want your future self to be in a relationship with?

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Speaker 1: And that might be really helpful. Is that possible with

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Speaker 1: the partner that you currently have? And the last thing

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Speaker 1: I'm going to say, and I'm kind of hesitant to

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Speaker 1: say this, but I want to say anyway, I'm pretty

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Speaker 1: taken aback by the response that you are sharing in

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Speaker 1: how your partner responded to you when you confronted them.

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Speaker 1: It sounds like you cross the boundary by going through

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Speaker 1: their phone. That's fair for that to be a concert

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Speaker 1: And at the same time, I don't hear that your

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Speaker 1: partner took any responsibility. And maybe they did and you

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Speaker 1: just didn't put that in there, But I don't hear

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Speaker 1: that your partner took any responsibility for what happened. I'm

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Speaker 1: unsure if they are able to admit or willing to

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Speaker 1: admit or see that what they did was wrong. I

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Speaker 1: think there's a large chance I'm just missing some information.

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Speaker 1: And when we do things in relationships where we hurt

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Speaker 1: our partners, it's really important for us to be able

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Speaker 1: to have compassion for our partners and to be able

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Speaker 1: to take responsibility for our part even if there is

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Speaker 1: a great reason. Right there might be an awesome reason

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Speaker 1: why he's talking to this person, or who knows, I

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Speaker 1: don't know what. Maybe I encourage this conversation. I also

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Speaker 1: don't know the details of the conversation. I know that

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Speaker 1: it felt like something that did not feel comfortable for you.

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Speaker 1: But regardless, it sounds like there was some hurt that

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Speaker 1: you experienced, and I don't know if this person was

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Speaker 1: able to take responsibility and show passion for you in

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Speaker 1: that it sounds like they were maybe very defensive and

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Speaker 1: kind of turned this around on you in a way

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Speaker 1: that feels a little bit manipulative in a negative way.

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Speaker 1: So that gives me a little bit of a red flag.

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Speaker 1: And so I do want to say, if you do

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Speaker 1: work on this, I would encourage you to make sure

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Speaker 1: that you are feeling compassion and there is some remorse

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Speaker 1: felt by your partner. Otherwise I don't know. It just

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Speaker 1: gives me a really icky feeling that there would be

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Speaker 1: no remorse for engaging in a conversation or relationship that

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Speaker 1: would be painful or hurtful to their partner. Now, at

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Speaker 1: the end of the day, you're allowed to stay and

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Speaker 1: leave whatever relationship you want to. I don't have to

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Speaker 1: agree with you. Nobody else has to agree with you

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Speaker 1: or approve of your decisions other than you, because you

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Speaker 1: were the person who was going to be in that

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Speaker 1: relationship every day. And so that's really about you making

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Speaker 1: sure that you are getting what you want and you

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Speaker 1: are in the relationship that you want to be in

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Speaker 1: versus the relationship other people think that you should be

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Speaker 1: in or other people think that you deserve. And if

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Speaker 1: you don't believe that you are deserving of a relationship

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Speaker 1: where your needs are met, I think that is a

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Speaker 1: call for maybe some of your own personal work, and

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Speaker 1: I hope that you are able to engage in some

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Speaker 1: of that. It doesn't have to be a therapist if

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Speaker 1: that's not something that you can afford right now or

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Speaker 1: have the resources for. There are other ways for you

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Speaker 1: to dive into, you know, really knowing your value and

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Speaker 1: identifying what it is that you want and finding yourself

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Speaker 1: in a place where you know that you deserve those things.

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Speaker 1: So I just want to say, at the end of

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Speaker 1: the day, you get to make this decision, and I

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Speaker 1: want it to be one that is rooted in knowing

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Speaker 1: that you are getting what it is that you want

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Speaker 1: out of the relationships you have in your life. And

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Speaker 1: I am sensing, just by the way that this email

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Speaker 1: is written, this is an assumption. I don't know if

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Speaker 1: it's true, and I know there's danger in doing that,

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Speaker 1: but I am sensing that there's a part of you

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Speaker 1: that is maybe looking for permission or direct direction to

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Speaker 1: make the decision that you already know that you want

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Speaker 1: to make. And I'm not going to tell you what

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Speaker 1: to do, but I am going to tell you you're

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Speaker 1: allowed to listen to yourself, and you're allowed to trust yourself,

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Speaker 1: and you are deserving of relationships that you don't feel confused.

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Speaker 1: And so I hope that was helpful. And again, I'm

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Speaker 1: really sorry that this is something that you are moving

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Speaker 1: through right now. I don't wish this kind of stuff

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Speaker 1: on anybody. If you guys have any feedback, questions, comments,

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Speaker 1: or anything, know that you can send those to me

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Speaker 1: Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can

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Speaker 1: follow us at you Need Therapy Podcasts, and you can

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Speaker 1: follow me at Cat dot defata. If you live in

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Speaker 1: Tennessee and are looking for a therapist or a counselor

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Speaker 1: to work on some of your own personal growth, that

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Speaker 1: you can reach out to me or one of my

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Speaker 1: therapists at Three Chords Therapy. You can go to three

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Speaker 1: Chords Therapy dot com to do that. And if you

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Speaker 1: have yet to grab some of the new merch we have,

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Speaker 1: you can go to Youdneedtherapy podcast dot com and look

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Speaker 1: at some of the stuff we have there for you

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Speaker 1: guys to buy for yourselves or maybe for somebody that

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Speaker 1: you love, a fun gift to encourage somebody with that

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Speaker 1: is going to do it for me today. I hope

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Speaker 1: you guys are having the day you need to have

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Speaker 1: and I will be back with you guys on Monday