Speaker 1: I find that we spend more time comparing ourselves to
Speaker 1: others when we don't have our own goals. If you're
Speaker 1: watching a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh,
Speaker 1: you're not going to compare the comedy movie to a
Speaker 1: horror movie because you knew what you wanted, Whereas if
Speaker 1: you didn't know what you wanted and you turned up
Speaker 1: at the theaters, you'll be going, well, should we go
Speaker 1: see a comedy movie? Or do we go see a
Speaker 1: horror movie? Or but I don't like that actor and
Speaker 1: I don't like that actress, and you're making it based
Speaker 1: on no direction. The number one Health and Wellness Podcast,
Speaker 1: Jay Setty Jay Sheetty Jet. Hey everyone, welcome back to
Speaker 1: On a Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn
Speaker 1: and grow, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're driving
Speaker 1: to work or back, or whether you're cooking right now.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning in to On Purpose.
Speaker 1: Thank you for your amazing reviews. Thank you for sharing
Speaker 1: the episodes. I love seeing what you're all posting on
Speaker 1: Instagram and TikTok. It's so fun to see how engaged
Speaker 1: you are with the content insights. We've had some amazing
Speaker 1: guests lately. I love, how much Love you showed, the
Speaker 1: Charles laclerk episode, the Anita episode. We have so many
Speaker 1: great experts coming up this month as well, and we're
Speaker 1: just getting stronger, bigger, better thanks to each and every
Speaker 1: one of you. I promise you I don't take you
Speaker 1: for granted. I'm so grateful for your love and trust
Speaker 1: every single week. Now, today, I wanted to talk to
Speaker 1: you about this idea around comparison, and I feel like
Speaker 1: a lot of us spend a lot of time comparing
Speaker 1: ourselves to other people's relationships. Now, whether you're single, this
Speaker 1: episode is for you, or whether you're in a relationship,
Speaker 1: this episode is for you. If you're single, you may
Speaker 1: compare your love life to other people's dating, love lives
Speaker 1: to other people who are in relationships, And if you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship, you might be comparing your relationship to
Speaker 1: other people's relationships. Think of White Lotus season two. If
Speaker 1: you didn't see it, I'm sorry a bad reference. But
Speaker 1: if you did see it, you remember this idea where
Speaker 1: you've got these couples comparing themselves to each other. You've
Speaker 1: got these couples comparing their partners to other people's partners.
Speaker 1: So what we find is that we often compare ourself
Speaker 1: as a person to other people. We compare our partner
Speaker 1: to other people, and we compare our relationship to other
Speaker 1: people's relationships. So you may have heard something like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't think they really get along,
Speaker 1: Like I don't think that they really have that much
Speaker 1: in common. Oh my gosh, did you see those two
Speaker 1: people together. They didn't look good for each other at all,
Speaker 1: did they. Oh my gosh, have you seen how much
Speaker 1: they argue? At least we don't argue that much. Right,
Speaker 1: there's all these ways we're constantly comparing us, our partners,
Speaker 1: and our relationships to other people. Now this may sound
Speaker 1: harmless and it may sound like not a big deal,
Speaker 1: but the studies actually show the opposite. A research study
Speaker 1: from over ten years ago, so I can't even imagine
Speaker 1: how much this is scaled up now, showed that individuals
Speaker 1: who compare themselves to others are more likely to experience guilt, regret,
Speaker 1: and envy. Comparing ourselves to others makes us feel more guilty,
Speaker 1: more regretful, and more envious. And the core reason for
Speaker 1: that is because when we compare ourself to someone else,
Speaker 1: we're usually looking at what we don't have. We're usually
Speaker 1: looking at what we could be. We're usually looking at
Speaker 1: how we're behind, how we're late, how we're wrong, how
Speaker 1: we're not good enough. We're not comparing with the idea
Speaker 1: of studying. We're not comparing with the idea of learning.
Speaker 1: We're not comparing with the idea of curiosity. So comparing
Speaker 1: in and of itself doesn't need to be a negative thing.
Speaker 1: We don't need to shame or guilt ourselves for comparing ourselves,
Speaker 1: and I think society has done that sometimes where we
Speaker 1: feel that the act of comparison or the act of
Speaker 1: comparing ourselves to others, is something that we should look
Speaker 1: down upon, But actually it can be useful. It can
Speaker 1: be helpful, it can be insightful in guiding you towards
Speaker 1: your greatest self. Now, I want to share a few
Speaker 1: more studies to really dive into this topic. One study
Speaker 1: revealed that forty percent of women feel more unhappy about
Speaker 1: their relationship due to viewing other couples on social media.
Speaker 1: How many of you have ever saw someone getting proposed to,
Speaker 1: someone's engagement party, someone's bridal shower, someone's wedding pictures, and
Speaker 1: all of a sudden your blood is boiling, your thinking
Speaker 1: to yourself, like I wish that was me? Why can
Speaker 1: that be me? What's it about me? Right? We make
Speaker 1: it all about our deficiencies, our flaws, our fallibilities, our inadequacies.
Speaker 1: And that's why comparison can be so unhealthy because what
Speaker 1: it does is it puts this spotlight on all of
Speaker 1: our weaknesses and everything we don't have, as opposed to
Speaker 1: focusing on what we can learn and how we can
Speaker 1: grow and what we could improve. Now, in psychology, there's
Speaker 1: something known as social comparison theory, and there are two
Speaker 1: types of social comparison. One's upward social comparison and the
Speaker 1: others downward social comparison. So, upward comparison is when we
Speaker 1: compare ourselves with people we believe to be better than us.
Speaker 1: So these comparisons are often looking at how we could
Speaker 1: make more money, how we could look better, how we
Speaker 1: could appear better, how we could improve our status. And
Speaker 1: this tends to make us feel worse about ourselves because
Speaker 1: we do it from a position of envy, because we
Speaker 1: do it from a position of envy. Now, the other
Speaker 1: type is downward social comparison. This is when we compare
Speaker 1: ourselves to others who are worse off than us, So
Speaker 1: we say things like, oh, well, at least I'm more educated,
Speaker 1: at least I work harder, at least I'm doing better
Speaker 1: than that person is. Now, it's natural for us to
Speaker 1: do both of these, but the upward comparison, when we're
Speaker 1: comparing ourselves to people who we think are better, better looking,
Speaker 1: make more money, smarter, When we do that through envy
Speaker 1: rather than study, it makes us feel really down. Now.
Speaker 1: One of the most interesting things about this is we
Speaker 1: often do it to our partners behind closed doors. So
Speaker 1: now you may not stay in front of someone else,
Speaker 1: but how many times if you looked at your partner
Speaker 1: and said, oh, yeah, you know so and so did
Speaker 1: you know they just got promoted? Now you're not comparing
Speaker 1: or criticizing, but you're passively making a point which almost
Speaker 1: really devalues the individual in front of you. Maybe you've
Speaker 1: said something like, oh, did you know so and So's
Speaker 1: partner they just start their own company? Like how bold?
Speaker 1: How amazing is that? Now, even if you're saying that
Speaker 1: as a genuinely true positive and you don't mean it
Speaker 1: as a dig or a diss to your partner, I
Speaker 1: promise you inside even if the outside they say to
Speaker 1: you no doesn't affect me at all, I promise you, inside,
Speaker 1: it's affecting their confidence and their self worth. When you're
Speaker 1: saying things where you're pointing out amazing abilities, talents, achievements
Speaker 1: in others, your partner often doesn't hear that from you.
Speaker 1: Your partner often doesn't get the accolades, doesn't get that respect.
Speaker 1: And you may say, oh, they know I love them,
Speaker 1: they know how special I think they are. They know
Speaker 1: how much I love them and how much I respect them.
Speaker 1: I promise you they don't. Most of the people I
Speaker 1: talk to when I'm coaching them, when I'm talking to
Speaker 1: people one on one, behind the scenes, most people are
Speaker 1: yearning for validation, for approval, to be seen, to be heard,
Speaker 1: to be understood, for someone to notice how genuine they are,
Speaker 1: how kind they are, how loving they are. Most people
Speaker 1: need that. And one of the reasons why we live
Speaker 1: in a world which repeats negativity is because positivity isn't rewarded.
Speaker 1: If someone does something negative to us, we'll spend the
Speaker 1: next week amplifying it and broadcasting it. That person cut
Speaker 1: me off in traffic, that person was so rude to
Speaker 1: me at work, we'll talk about it for days and
Speaker 1: days and days. But if someone does something good to us,
Speaker 1: we rarely tell everyone in the world saying, oh, my gosh,
Speaker 1: did you know this person went out of their way?
Speaker 1: Did you know this person they stood up for me? Like,
Speaker 1: we don't tell this stories about positive events and emotions.
Speaker 1: We tell deeper, darker stories about negative emotions, more frequently,
Speaker 1: more often, and more deeply and more vividly, with more description. Right,
Speaker 1: if someone swore at you, or someone did something bad
Speaker 1: at the airport, like you're telling every detail. Why am
Speaker 1: I sharing this? It's because often when we compare our
Speaker 1: partners to others, or even if we don't compare our partners,
Speaker 1: we talk about the qualities someone else that we know has,
Speaker 1: it can often make them feel less than it can
Speaker 1: often make them feel worse. All we have to do
Speaker 1: is switch shoes. And by the way, it's really easy
Speaker 1: for all of us to say, oh, this doesn't affect me,
Speaker 1: it's not a big deal, but we know deep down
Speaker 1: it can, and it does. So when you're looking at
Speaker 1: upward social comparison or downward social comparison, generally downward social
Speaker 1: comparison in saying oh, yeah, we're doing better than them,
Speaker 1: we're we're doing better for ourselves. That generally doesn't have
Speaker 1: as many a negative impact, although I don't recommend it,
Speaker 1: because again, you're building your platform on someone else's misery,
Speaker 1: You're building your confidence on someone else's lack of competence,
Speaker 1: You're building your connection based on criticism, which means if
Speaker 1: you're starting with a low bar and you're higher than it,
Speaker 1: it may not be the most inspiring or fulfilling way
Speaker 1: to think about it. An upward comparison. Telling someone that
Speaker 1: you know someone who's more ambitious, telling someone you know
Speaker 1: someone who's better at gardening, telling someone you know someone
Speaker 1: who's better at handiwork around the house, whatever it may be,
Speaker 1: actually takes away from your relationship. So what can we do?
Speaker 1: What do we do instead of compare our partners and
Speaker 1: ourselves to others, or something we can do is choose
Speaker 1: to connect, compliment and help people understand what qualities they
Speaker 1: do have. When we can see potential in our partners
Speaker 1: and remind them of that potential without comparing them to
Speaker 1: other people, that spurs them forward. That pushes them forward.
Speaker 1: If you have a partner who's going through a tough
Speaker 1: time because they're building a company because they're trying to
Speaker 1: go after that promotion at work, because they're trying to
Speaker 1: figure it out. Noticing that is going to energize them more. No,
Speaker 1: no ways, some of your thinking, some of your thinking, Jay,
Speaker 1: But my partner's lazy. My partner doesn't work hard enough.
Speaker 1: I want my partner to do better. I want my
Speaker 1: partner to work out more. I want my partner to
Speaker 1: do all of these things more. The first question you
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself is are you doing all of
Speaker 1: those things? I remember, ever since I met Radley, I've
Speaker 1: talked to you about this before. She was coaching me
Speaker 1: in health well being diret work outs, and what I
Speaker 1: found in the way she did it was that it
Speaker 1: was never out of judgment. I never felt guilty or
Speaker 1: shameful that I didn't do certain things. But I saw
Speaker 1: not only did she apply everything she said to me,
Speaker 1: she lived it. She was actually practicing it. She also
Speaker 1: was able to present it to me in a way
Speaker 1: that I could digest and understand it. So the question
Speaker 1: is are you practicing what you preach? And are you
Speaker 1: able to present it without judgment, without guilt, without shame.
Speaker 1: Those are the two tests for you to figure out
Speaker 1: whether you're encouraging your partner or whether you're disempowering them.
Speaker 1: Are you energizing them or are you de energizing them.
Speaker 1: The other thing that I think a lot of people
Speaker 1: don't realize. What we miss is that everyone has different values.
Speaker 1: So when we compare ourselves to another couple, it's because
Speaker 1: they may have a completely different value. Like let's say
Speaker 1: you're thinking about how you spend money, and you'd be like, oh,
Speaker 1: my gosh, can you believe they spend that much money
Speaker 1: on that? We would never do that. But maybe their
Speaker 1: value is traveling and your value is saving. Right now,
Speaker 1: they might be in a season of exploration and you're
Speaker 1: in a season of saving to put down a deposit
Speaker 1: on an apartment or a home or whatever it may be.
Speaker 1: Everyone can be in different seasons. This is one of
Speaker 1: the reasons that I partnered up with Match dot Com
Speaker 1: forwards last j and why I'm working with Match to
Speaker 1: help people connect based on their values. I think what
Speaker 1: often happens is we don't know our own values and
Speaker 1: we don't recognize them deeply, and so what we're really
Speaker 1: comparing when we compare ourselves or our relationship to anyone
Speaker 1: else is values. That's why figuring out what your value
Speaker 1: is and what your partner's value is is such an
Speaker 1: important way of figuring out the value of your relationship,
Speaker 1: the priorities of your relationship. And if you're looking for
Speaker 1: someone right now, you can go check out match dot
Speaker 1: com forwards slash j and you'll be able to connect
Speaker 1: with people based on similar values. You don't need the
Speaker 1: same values, but an awareness of values to have a conversation,
Speaker 1: to have a connection is so important and so significant.
Speaker 1: Some of the ways in which we can switch away
Speaker 1: from comparing ourselves to other people's relationships is this, let
Speaker 1: us sit down and realize what are our values, and
Speaker 1: let's actually break down and do some thinking about what
Speaker 1: that person's value is. Now. Sometimes you'll even be right.
Speaker 1: Maybe some people don't value respecting their relationship and you
Speaker 1: do value it, and that's great to point out to yourselves. Look,
Speaker 1: this is a good thing that we're doing. But here's
Speaker 1: the trick. Focus more on the good you're doing than
Speaker 1: the bad someone else is doing. Someone may highlight someone's weaknesses,
Speaker 1: may highlight your strengths, but use that as an opportunity
Speaker 1: to amplify your strengths. Not talk more bad about them.
Speaker 1: Like let's say you go out on a double date
Speaker 1: and one of your friends you feel like they don't
Speaker 1: have respectful communication. Now you can either sit there on
Speaker 1: your car journey home or when you get into bed
Speaker 1: and you're talking about, gosh, can you believe how disrespectful
Speaker 1: they were and how bad they were, or you could
Speaker 1: talk about how respectful you think your partner has been
Speaker 1: to you or how valuable they've been to you, and
Speaker 1: they can do the same back. And that kind of
Speaker 1: communication is actually strengthening your relationship. It's actually building deeper
Speaker 1: bonds with your partner, as opposed to what happens when
Speaker 1: we just talk bad about other people. You don't want
Speaker 1: the success of your relationship to be based on the
Speaker 1: stress of others. You don't want the goodness of your
Speaker 1: relationship to be based on the poor performance of someone else. Again,
Speaker 1: where are we setting the bar? What do we truly
Speaker 1: want from life? Another thing that I find when we're
Speaker 1: comparing ourselves to others is we make it often feel
Speaker 1: like it's impossible for us to reach there, for us
Speaker 1: to get there, rather than looking at what would it take?
Speaker 1: Instead of asking the question, what would it take for us?
Speaker 1: To get there? What would it take for us to
Speaker 1: build there? We talk about why theirs isn't working. One
Speaker 1: tip that I want to give you is I find
Speaker 1: that we spend more time comparing ourselves to others when
Speaker 1: we don't have our own goals. If you, as a
Speaker 1: relationship have a goal, you're going to compare yourself to
Speaker 1: your goal, not to another relationship. Right if you're watching
Speaker 1: a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh, you're
Speaker 1: not going to compare the comedy movie to a horror
Speaker 1: movie because you knew what you wanted, Whereas if you
Speaker 1: didn't know what you wanted and you turned up at
Speaker 1: the theaters, you'll be going, well, should we go see
Speaker 1: a comedy movie? Or do we go see a horror movie?
Speaker 1: Or but I don't like that actor and I don't
Speaker 1: like that actress, and you're making it based on no direction,
Speaker 1: Whereas if you said, you know what, I just need
Speaker 1: to laugh today, you know what, I'm in the mood
Speaker 1: for a thriller today. Now, all of a sudden, you're
Speaker 1: not comparing as much to a random other movie with
Speaker 1: a random set of data. You're comparing it to what's
Speaker 1: important to you. You're comparing it to what's valuable to you.
Speaker 1: We talk a lot about internal and external in comparison.
Speaker 1: We always say, oh, you know, everyone's posting their highlight reel.
Speaker 1: They're not posting what's real. And I think that's been
Speaker 1: a really important part of my work and career. I'm
Speaker 1: lucky to get to know people truthfully, deeply, really, and
Speaker 1: that's why I encourage you to be vulnerable with people
Speaker 1: and let them be vulnerable with you, because if you're
Speaker 1: only ever seeing people's outsides, then the outsides will be perfect.
Speaker 1: It's when you know and get to know people deeper
Speaker 1: on the inside, or you get to realize what's really happening. Right, Often,
Speaker 1: we look at someone we think their life is perfect,
Speaker 1: we think everything's going great for them, and then you
Speaker 1: talk to them and they tell you that they have
Speaker 1: an illness with a family member, they tell you that
Speaker 1: they've been struggling for the past six months with a
Speaker 1: personal thing. Right, we just have no idea. I've had
Speaker 1: so many guests on lately that they may have been
Speaker 1: on the front cover of magazines, they may have been
Speaker 1: the top of the charts, but actually they were going
Speaker 1: through so much personal trauma. So get to know people deeply.
Speaker 1: If you only ever see people at a big party,
Speaker 1: you only ever see people at a big event, you
Speaker 1: walk away thinking they have a perfect life, and you
Speaker 1: don't why because you know your inside story and you
Speaker 1: only know their outside story. You can't come compare someone's
Speaker 1: outside story to your inside story. You can't compare someone's
Speaker 1: external journey to your internal journey. You can't compare what
Speaker 1: you see on someone's social media to what's happening inside
Speaker 1: your home. We often get those so mixed up, and
Speaker 1: we get so misled by believing that we're behind, we're wrong,
Speaker 1: we're the worst, everyone else is doing better. One of
Speaker 1: the ways I'm going to share with you is that
Speaker 1: I think it's really important to be aware of how
Speaker 1: you get triggered. Right. There are things that trigger you,
Speaker 1: and it's not the thing that's triggering you the person.
Speaker 1: It's your perception, your interpretation of it. And it's okay
Speaker 1: to say, Okay, I'm gonna get off social media because
Speaker 1: that triggers me. You know what, I'm not gonna go
Speaker 1: to that party because when I'm around that group of
Speaker 1: people and the way they talk, that triggers me. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't want to go to that event because that
Speaker 1: triggers me, and again you're not doing it going Often
Speaker 1: what we do is all the people there are just
Speaker 1: so like materialistic? Are the people there are so right?
Speaker 1: It becomes about them, you know, it's about us. Let's
Speaker 1: be really aware and conscious of what our triggers are.
Speaker 1: What are the things that make us feel uncomfortable? What
Speaker 1: are the things that put us in that place? And instead,
Speaker 1: let us find the habits that allow us to deepen
Speaker 1: our self worth, that allow us to develop our confidence.
Speaker 1: I find that for a lot of people, we're not
Speaker 1: building our competence and therefore our confidence doesn't grow. When
Speaker 1: was the last time you invested in your confidence? By
Speaker 1: investing in your competence, we get better when our skills
Speaker 1: get better. We get better when our habits get better.
Speaker 1: We get better when our mindset get better. But if
Speaker 1: we're just trying to make sure our life looks better,
Speaker 1: often we get so caught up and looking better that
Speaker 1: we miss out on doing better, being better, being more,
Speaker 1: doing more, taking action, being proactive. We often get so
Speaker 1: lost in trying to look a certain way that we
Speaker 1: miss out on the opportunity to be grow, become a
Speaker 1: better way, make an investment in yourself, make an investment
Speaker 1: in your relationship, and it will automatically look better because
Speaker 1: it will actually be better. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: listening to Today. So grateful you tuned in. I appreciate
Speaker 1: you being here with me, and I can't wait for
Speaker 1: you to come back and listen to another episode of
Speaker 1: On Purpose. Remember I forever in your corner and I'm
Speaker 1: always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you're
Speaker 1: going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how
Speaker 1: to get over your ex and find true love in
Speaker 1: your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend
Speaker 1: that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your
Speaker 1: compassion to your future self is doing something that gives
Speaker 1: him or her a shot at a happy and a
Speaker 1: peaceful life