1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,360
Speaker 1: I find that we spend more time comparing ourselves to

2
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,000
Speaker 1: others when we don't have our own goals. If you're

3
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:10,720
Speaker 1: watching a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh,

4
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,720
Speaker 1: you're not going to compare the comedy movie to a

5
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,560
Speaker 1: horror movie because you knew what you wanted, Whereas if

6
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,159
Speaker 1: you didn't know what you wanted and you turned up

7
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:19,959
Speaker 1: at the theaters, you'll be going, well, should we go

8
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,400
Speaker 1: see a comedy movie? Or do we go see a

9
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,279
Speaker 1: horror movie? Or but I don't like that actor and

10
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:25,560
Speaker 1: I don't like that actress, and you're making it based

11
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:29,040
Speaker 1: on no direction. The number one Health and Wellness Podcast,

12
00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:36,640
Speaker 1: Jay Setty Jay Sheetty Jet. Hey everyone, welcome back to

13
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,760
Speaker 1: On a Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn

14
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,960
Speaker 1: and grow, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're driving

15
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,880
Speaker 1: to work or back, or whether you're cooking right now.

16
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:49,519
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning in to On Purpose.

17
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,800
Speaker 1: Thank you for your amazing reviews. Thank you for sharing

18
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,680
Speaker 1: the episodes. I love seeing what you're all posting on

19
00:00:56,080 --> 00:01:00,600
Speaker 1: Instagram and TikTok. It's so fun to see how engaged

20
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,520
Speaker 1: you are with the content insights. We've had some amazing

21
00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:07,560
Speaker 1: guests lately. I love, how much Love you showed, the

22
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:11,080
Speaker 1: Charles laclerk episode, the Anita episode. We have so many

23
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:15,199
Speaker 1: great experts coming up this month as well, and we're

24
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:18,319
Speaker 1: just getting stronger, bigger, better thanks to each and every

25
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:21,839
Speaker 1: one of you. I promise you I don't take you

26
00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:25,600
Speaker 1: for granted. I'm so grateful for your love and trust

27
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:29,080
Speaker 1: every single week. Now, today, I wanted to talk to

28
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:34,720
Speaker 1: you about this idea around comparison, and I feel like

29
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,600
Speaker 1: a lot of us spend a lot of time comparing

30
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:43,880
Speaker 1: ourselves to other people's relationships. Now, whether you're single, this

31
00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:46,720
Speaker 1: episode is for you, or whether you're in a relationship,

32
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,480
Speaker 1: this episode is for you. If you're single, you may

33
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,639
Speaker 1: compare your love life to other people's dating, love lives

34
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:55,640
Speaker 1: to other people who are in relationships, And if you're

35
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,320
Speaker 1: in a relationship, you might be comparing your relationship to

36
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:03,800
Speaker 1: other people's relationships. Think of White Lotus season two. If

37
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:07,080
Speaker 1: you didn't see it, I'm sorry a bad reference. But

38
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,880
Speaker 1: if you did see it, you remember this idea where

39
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,919
Speaker 1: you've got these couples comparing themselves to each other. You've

40
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:18,200
Speaker 1: got these couples comparing their partners to other people's partners.

41
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:22,240
Speaker 1: So what we find is that we often compare ourself

42
00:02:22,919 --> 00:02:27,280
Speaker 1: as a person to other people. We compare our partner

43
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:32,840
Speaker 1: to other people, and we compare our relationship to other

44
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:37,600
Speaker 1: people's relationships. So you may have heard something like, oh, well,

45
00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:40,079
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't think they really get along,

46
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,760
Speaker 1: Like I don't think that they really have that much

47
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,640
Speaker 1: in common. Oh my gosh, did you see those two

48
00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:47,240
Speaker 1: people together. They didn't look good for each other at all,

49
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,560
Speaker 1: did they. Oh my gosh, have you seen how much

50
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,760
Speaker 1: they argue? At least we don't argue that much. Right,

51
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:57,840
Speaker 1: there's all these ways we're constantly comparing us, our partners,

52
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:03,800
Speaker 1: and our relationships to other people. Now this may sound

53
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,560
Speaker 1: harmless and it may sound like not a big deal,

54
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:11,400
Speaker 1: but the studies actually show the opposite. A research study

55
00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:14,400
Speaker 1: from over ten years ago, so I can't even imagine

56
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,880
Speaker 1: how much this is scaled up now, showed that individuals

57
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:24,519
Speaker 1: who compare themselves to others are more likely to experience guilt, regret,

58
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:29,720
Speaker 1: and envy. Comparing ourselves to others makes us feel more guilty,

59
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:34,800
Speaker 1: more regretful, and more envious. And the core reason for

60
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:38,160
Speaker 1: that is because when we compare ourself to someone else,

61
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,240
Speaker 1: we're usually looking at what we don't have. We're usually

62
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,360
Speaker 1: looking at what we could be. We're usually looking at

63
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:49,200
Speaker 1: how we're behind, how we're late, how we're wrong, how

64
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:53,160
Speaker 1: we're not good enough. We're not comparing with the idea

65
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,880
Speaker 1: of studying. We're not comparing with the idea of learning.

66
00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:01,280
Speaker 1: We're not comparing with the idea of curiosity. So comparing

67
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,800
Speaker 1: in and of itself doesn't need to be a negative thing.

68
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,760
Speaker 1: We don't need to shame or guilt ourselves for comparing ourselves,

69
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,840
Speaker 1: and I think society has done that sometimes where we

70
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,719
Speaker 1: feel that the act of comparison or the act of

71
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,800
Speaker 1: comparing ourselves to others, is something that we should look

72
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,120
Speaker 1: down upon, But actually it can be useful. It can

73
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:27,960
Speaker 1: be helpful, it can be insightful in guiding you towards

74
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:32,000
Speaker 1: your greatest self. Now, I want to share a few

75
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,960
Speaker 1: more studies to really dive into this topic. One study

76
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:40,280
Speaker 1: revealed that forty percent of women feel more unhappy about

77
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:45,000
Speaker 1: their relationship due to viewing other couples on social media.

78
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,919
Speaker 1: How many of you have ever saw someone getting proposed to,

79
00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:53,680
Speaker 1: someone's engagement party, someone's bridal shower, someone's wedding pictures, and

80
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,120
Speaker 1: all of a sudden your blood is boiling, your thinking

81
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,440
Speaker 1: to yourself, like I wish that was me? Why can

82
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,839
Speaker 1: that be me? What's it about me? Right? We make

83
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:09,320
Speaker 1: it all about our deficiencies, our flaws, our fallibilities, our inadequacies.

84
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:14,159
Speaker 1: And that's why comparison can be so unhealthy because what

85
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,560
Speaker 1: it does is it puts this spotlight on all of

86
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:21,320
Speaker 1: our weaknesses and everything we don't have, as opposed to

87
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,719
Speaker 1: focusing on what we can learn and how we can

88
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:29,159
Speaker 1: grow and what we could improve. Now, in psychology, there's

89
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:33,960
Speaker 1: something known as social comparison theory, and there are two

90
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:39,320
Speaker 1: types of social comparison. One's upward social comparison and the

91
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:44,760
Speaker 1: others downward social comparison. So, upward comparison is when we

92
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:49,400
Speaker 1: compare ourselves with people we believe to be better than us.

93
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:54,360
Speaker 1: So these comparisons are often looking at how we could

94
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,240
Speaker 1: make more money, how we could look better, how we

95
00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:01,000
Speaker 1: could appear better, how we could improve our status. And

96
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:05,800
Speaker 1: this tends to make us feel worse about ourselves because

97
00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:09,160
Speaker 1: we do it from a position of envy, because we

98
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,080
Speaker 1: do it from a position of envy. Now, the other

99
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,599
Speaker 1: type is downward social comparison. This is when we compare

100
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,640
Speaker 1: ourselves to others who are worse off than us, So

101
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,160
Speaker 1: we say things like, oh, well, at least I'm more educated,

102
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,119
Speaker 1: at least I work harder, at least I'm doing better

103
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:27,719
Speaker 1: than that person is. Now, it's natural for us to

104
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,840
Speaker 1: do both of these, but the upward comparison, when we're

105
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:34,520
Speaker 1: comparing ourselves to people who we think are better, better looking,

106
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,360
Speaker 1: make more money, smarter, When we do that through envy

107
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:43,000
Speaker 1: rather than study, it makes us feel really down. Now.

108
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,720
Speaker 1: One of the most interesting things about this is we

109
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,279
Speaker 1: often do it to our partners behind closed doors. So

110
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,599
Speaker 1: now you may not stay in front of someone else,

111
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,640
Speaker 1: but how many times if you looked at your partner

112
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,560
Speaker 1: and said, oh, yeah, you know so and so did

113
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,760
Speaker 1: you know they just got promoted? Now you're not comparing

114
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:04,000
Speaker 1: or criticizing, but you're passively making a point which almost

115
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,600
Speaker 1: really devalues the individual in front of you. Maybe you've

116
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,400
Speaker 1: said something like, oh, did you know so and So's

117
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,880
Speaker 1: partner they just start their own company? Like how bold?

118
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,760
Speaker 1: How amazing is that? Now, even if you're saying that

119
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,680
Speaker 1: as a genuinely true positive and you don't mean it

120
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:24,560
Speaker 1: as a dig or a diss to your partner, I

121
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,240
Speaker 1: promise you inside even if the outside they say to

122
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:31,120
Speaker 1: you no doesn't affect me at all, I promise you, inside,

123
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:36,680
Speaker 1: it's affecting their confidence and their self worth. When you're

124
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:41,840
Speaker 1: saying things where you're pointing out amazing abilities, talents, achievements

125
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:46,800
Speaker 1: in others, your partner often doesn't hear that from you.

126
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,280
Speaker 1: Your partner often doesn't get the accolades, doesn't get that respect.

127
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,400
Speaker 1: And you may say, oh, they know I love them,

128
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,760
Speaker 1: they know how special I think they are. They know

129
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,920
Speaker 1: how much I love them and how much I respect them.

130
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:02,520
Speaker 1: I promise you they don't. Most of the people I

131
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,800
Speaker 1: talk to when I'm coaching them, when I'm talking to

132
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:08,520
Speaker 1: people one on one, behind the scenes, most people are

133
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:15,360
Speaker 1: yearning for validation, for approval, to be seen, to be heard,

134
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:19,720
Speaker 1: to be understood, for someone to notice how genuine they are,

135
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,400
Speaker 1: how kind they are, how loving they are. Most people

136
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:26,680
Speaker 1: need that. And one of the reasons why we live

137
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:33,400
Speaker 1: in a world which repeats negativity is because positivity isn't rewarded.

138
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,400
Speaker 1: If someone does something negative to us, we'll spend the

139
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:41,320
Speaker 1: next week amplifying it and broadcasting it. That person cut

140
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,560
Speaker 1: me off in traffic, that person was so rude to

141
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,320
Speaker 1: me at work, we'll talk about it for days and

142
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:50,280
Speaker 1: days and days. But if someone does something good to us,

143
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,600
Speaker 1: we rarely tell everyone in the world saying, oh, my gosh,

144
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,320
Speaker 1: did you know this person went out of their way?

145
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:58,600
Speaker 1: Did you know this person they stood up for me? Like,

146
00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:03,520
Speaker 1: we don't tell this stories about positive events and emotions.

147
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:08,959
Speaker 1: We tell deeper, darker stories about negative emotions, more frequently,

148
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:13,960
Speaker 1: more often, and more deeply and more vividly, with more description. Right,

149
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,920
Speaker 1: if someone swore at you, or someone did something bad

150
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,600
Speaker 1: at the airport, like you're telling every detail. Why am

151
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,839
Speaker 1: I sharing this? It's because often when we compare our

152
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:27,640
Speaker 1: partners to others, or even if we don't compare our partners,

153
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,880
Speaker 1: we talk about the qualities someone else that we know has,

154
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,760
Speaker 1: it can often make them feel less than it can

155
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,520
Speaker 1: often make them feel worse. All we have to do

156
00:09:39,559 --> 00:09:42,199
Speaker 1: is switch shoes. And by the way, it's really easy

157
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,280
Speaker 1: for all of us to say, oh, this doesn't affect me,

158
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,480
Speaker 1: it's not a big deal, but we know deep down

159
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,440
Speaker 1: it can, and it does. So when you're looking at

160
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:55,840
Speaker 1: upward social comparison or downward social comparison, generally downward social

161
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,400
Speaker 1: comparison in saying oh, yeah, we're doing better than them,

162
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:04,640
Speaker 1: we're we're doing better for ourselves. That generally doesn't have

163
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:08,160
Speaker 1: as many a negative impact, although I don't recommend it,

164
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:14,400
Speaker 1: because again, you're building your platform on someone else's misery,

165
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:22,559
Speaker 1: You're building your confidence on someone else's lack of competence,

166
00:10:23,679 --> 00:10:28,640
Speaker 1: You're building your connection based on criticism, which means if

167
00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:31,439
Speaker 1: you're starting with a low bar and you're higher than it,

168
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:35,040
Speaker 1: it may not be the most inspiring or fulfilling way

169
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:38,400
Speaker 1: to think about it. An upward comparison. Telling someone that

170
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,720
Speaker 1: you know someone who's more ambitious, telling someone you know

171
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,640
Speaker 1: someone who's better at gardening, telling someone you know someone

172
00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:48,680
Speaker 1: who's better at handiwork around the house, whatever it may be,

173
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:54,240
Speaker 1: actually takes away from your relationship. So what can we do?

174
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,160
Speaker 1: What do we do instead of compare our partners and

175
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:02,520
Speaker 1: ourselves to others, or something we can do is choose

176
00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:09,800
Speaker 1: to connect, compliment and help people understand what qualities they

177
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,959
Speaker 1: do have. When we can see potential in our partners

178
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,520
Speaker 1: and remind them of that potential without comparing them to

179
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:21,800
Speaker 1: other people, that spurs them forward. That pushes them forward.

180
00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:24,360
Speaker 1: If you have a partner who's going through a tough

181
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:28,200
Speaker 1: time because they're building a company because they're trying to

182
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,599
Speaker 1: go after that promotion at work, because they're trying to

183
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:36,960
Speaker 1: figure it out. Noticing that is going to energize them more. No,

184
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,720
Speaker 1: no ways, some of your thinking, some of your thinking, Jay,

185
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,800
Speaker 1: But my partner's lazy. My partner doesn't work hard enough.

186
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,920
Speaker 1: I want my partner to do better. I want my

187
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,360
Speaker 1: partner to work out more. I want my partner to

188
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,400
Speaker 1: do all of these things more. The first question you

189
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,480
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself is are you doing all of

190
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:55,360
Speaker 1: those things? I remember, ever since I met Radley, I've

191
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,680
Speaker 1: talked to you about this before. She was coaching me

192
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:02,880
Speaker 1: in health well being diret work outs, and what I

193
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,800
Speaker 1: found in the way she did it was that it

194
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,840
Speaker 1: was never out of judgment. I never felt guilty or

195
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:11,600
Speaker 1: shameful that I didn't do certain things. But I saw

196
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,000
Speaker 1: not only did she apply everything she said to me,

197
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:19,120
Speaker 1: she lived it. She was actually practicing it. She also

198
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,360
Speaker 1: was able to present it to me in a way

199
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,920
Speaker 1: that I could digest and understand it. So the question

200
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:30,200
Speaker 1: is are you practicing what you preach? And are you

201
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:35,960
Speaker 1: able to present it without judgment, without guilt, without shame.

202
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,760
Speaker 1: Those are the two tests for you to figure out

203
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:45,920
Speaker 1: whether you're encouraging your partner or whether you're disempowering them.

204
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:51,600
Speaker 1: Are you energizing them or are you de energizing them.

205
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,880
Speaker 1: The other thing that I think a lot of people

206
00:12:55,960 --> 00:13:02,280
Speaker 1: don't realize. What we miss is that everyone has different values.

207
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:06,840
Speaker 1: So when we compare ourselves to another couple, it's because

208
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,640
Speaker 1: they may have a completely different value. Like let's say

209
00:13:10,679 --> 00:13:12,440
Speaker 1: you're thinking about how you spend money, and you'd be like, oh,

210
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,320
Speaker 1: my gosh, can you believe they spend that much money

211
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,040
Speaker 1: on that? We would never do that. But maybe their

212
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,320
Speaker 1: value is traveling and your value is saving. Right now,

213
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,080
Speaker 1: they might be in a season of exploration and you're

214
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,679
Speaker 1: in a season of saving to put down a deposit

215
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,160
Speaker 1: on an apartment or a home or whatever it may be.

216
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:34,839
Speaker 1: Everyone can be in different seasons. This is one of

217
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,960
Speaker 1: the reasons that I partnered up with Match dot Com

218
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,320
Speaker 1: forwards last j and why I'm working with Match to

219
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,760
Speaker 1: help people connect based on their values. I think what

220
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,720
Speaker 1: often happens is we don't know our own values and

221
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:52,200
Speaker 1: we don't recognize them deeply, and so what we're really

222
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,240
Speaker 1: comparing when we compare ourselves or our relationship to anyone

223
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:59,400
Speaker 1: else is values. That's why figuring out what your value

224
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,080
Speaker 1: is and what your partner's value is is such an

225
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,360
Speaker 1: important way of figuring out the value of your relationship,

226
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,880
Speaker 1: the priorities of your relationship. And if you're looking for

227
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,800
Speaker 1: someone right now, you can go check out match dot

228
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:14,200
Speaker 1: com forwards slash j and you'll be able to connect

229
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,280
Speaker 1: with people based on similar values. You don't need the

230
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:21,440
Speaker 1: same values, but an awareness of values to have a conversation,

231
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:26,120
Speaker 1: to have a connection is so important and so significant.

232
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:31,560
Speaker 1: Some of the ways in which we can switch away

233
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:36,920
Speaker 1: from comparing ourselves to other people's relationships is this, let

234
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,640
Speaker 1: us sit down and realize what are our values, and

235
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,120
Speaker 1: let's actually break down and do some thinking about what

236
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,560
Speaker 1: that person's value is. Now. Sometimes you'll even be right.

237
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,600
Speaker 1: Maybe some people don't value respecting their relationship and you

238
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:54,360
Speaker 1: do value it, and that's great to point out to yourselves. Look,

239
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,480
Speaker 1: this is a good thing that we're doing. But here's

240
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:01,640
Speaker 1: the trick. Focus more on the good you're doing than

241
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:06,840
Speaker 1: the bad someone else is doing. Someone may highlight someone's weaknesses,

242
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:10,960
Speaker 1: may highlight your strengths, but use that as an opportunity

243
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:14,880
Speaker 1: to amplify your strengths. Not talk more bad about them.

244
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,600
Speaker 1: Like let's say you go out on a double date

245
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,320
Speaker 1: and one of your friends you feel like they don't

246
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:25,680
Speaker 1: have respectful communication. Now you can either sit there on

247
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,880
Speaker 1: your car journey home or when you get into bed

248
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,760
Speaker 1: and you're talking about, gosh, can you believe how disrespectful

249
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:33,800
Speaker 1: they were and how bad they were, or you could

250
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,680
Speaker 1: talk about how respectful you think your partner has been

251
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,840
Speaker 1: to you or how valuable they've been to you, and

252
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,600
Speaker 1: they can do the same back. And that kind of

253
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:48,400
Speaker 1: communication is actually strengthening your relationship. It's actually building deeper

254
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:52,040
Speaker 1: bonds with your partner, as opposed to what happens when

255
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:55,760
Speaker 1: we just talk bad about other people. You don't want

256
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,120
Speaker 1: the success of your relationship to be based on the

257
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:02,800
Speaker 1: stress of others. You don't want the goodness of your

258
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:07,840
Speaker 1: relationship to be based on the poor performance of someone else. Again,

259
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,640
Speaker 1: where are we setting the bar? What do we truly

260
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:14,120
Speaker 1: want from life? Another thing that I find when we're

261
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:22,320
Speaker 1: comparing ourselves to others is we make it often feel

262
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:26,120
Speaker 1: like it's impossible for us to reach there, for us

263
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:29,480
Speaker 1: to get there, rather than looking at what would it take?

264
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:33,200
Speaker 1: Instead of asking the question, what would it take for us?

265
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,680
Speaker 1: To get there? What would it take for us to

266
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:40,120
Speaker 1: build there? We talk about why theirs isn't working. One

267
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,000
Speaker 1: tip that I want to give you is I find

268
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:46,800
Speaker 1: that we spend more time comparing ourselves to others when

269
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,840
Speaker 1: we don't have our own goals. If you, as a

270
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:53,160
Speaker 1: relationship have a goal, you're going to compare yourself to

271
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:59,360
Speaker 1: your goal, not to another relationship. Right if you're watching

272
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:03,440
Speaker 1: a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh, you're

273
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,000
Speaker 1: not going to compare the comedy movie to a horror

274
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:09,399
Speaker 1: movie because you knew what you wanted, Whereas if you

275
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,040
Speaker 1: didn't know what you wanted and you turned up at

276
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,880
Speaker 1: the theaters, you'll be going, well, should we go see

277
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:14,680
Speaker 1: a comedy movie? Or do we go see a horror movie?

278
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,320
Speaker 1: Or but I don't like that actor and I don't

279
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,120
Speaker 1: like that actress, and you're making it based on no direction,

280
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,680
Speaker 1: Whereas if you said, you know what, I just need

281
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,280
Speaker 1: to laugh today, you know what, I'm in the mood

282
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,840
Speaker 1: for a thriller today. Now, all of a sudden, you're

283
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,359
Speaker 1: not comparing as much to a random other movie with

284
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,520
Speaker 1: a random set of data. You're comparing it to what's

285
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:38,560
Speaker 1: important to you. You're comparing it to what's valuable to you.

286
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:43,160
Speaker 1: We talk a lot about internal and external in comparison.

287
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,240
Speaker 1: We always say, oh, you know, everyone's posting their highlight reel.

288
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,040
Speaker 1: They're not posting what's real. And I think that's been

289
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,200
Speaker 1: a really important part of my work and career. I'm

290
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:56,239
Speaker 1: lucky to get to know people truthfully, deeply, really, and

291
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,679
Speaker 1: that's why I encourage you to be vulnerable with people

292
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,720
Speaker 1: and let them be vulnerable with you, because if you're

293
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:06,480
Speaker 1: only ever seeing people's outsides, then the outsides will be perfect.

294
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,719
Speaker 1: It's when you know and get to know people deeper

295
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:14,560
Speaker 1: on the inside, or you get to realize what's really happening. Right, Often,

296
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,800
Speaker 1: we look at someone we think their life is perfect,

297
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,760
Speaker 1: we think everything's going great for them, and then you

298
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,800
Speaker 1: talk to them and they tell you that they have

299
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:26,520
Speaker 1: an illness with a family member, they tell you that

300
00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:28,920
Speaker 1: they've been struggling for the past six months with a

301
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,840
Speaker 1: personal thing. Right, we just have no idea. I've had

302
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,920
Speaker 1: so many guests on lately that they may have been

303
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,040
Speaker 1: on the front cover of magazines, they may have been

304
00:18:37,119 --> 00:18:40,120
Speaker 1: the top of the charts, but actually they were going

305
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:44,880
Speaker 1: through so much personal trauma. So get to know people deeply.

306
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,560
Speaker 1: If you only ever see people at a big party,

307
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,639
Speaker 1: you only ever see people at a big event, you

308
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,919
Speaker 1: walk away thinking they have a perfect life, and you

309
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:56,040
Speaker 1: don't why because you know your inside story and you

310
00:18:56,119 --> 00:19:01,200
Speaker 1: only know their outside story. You can't come compare someone's

311
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:08,400
Speaker 1: outside story to your inside story. You can't compare someone's

312
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:15,159
Speaker 1: external journey to your internal journey. You can't compare what

313
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:20,440
Speaker 1: you see on someone's social media to what's happening inside

314
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:26,600
Speaker 1: your home. We often get those so mixed up, and

315
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:31,639
Speaker 1: we get so misled by believing that we're behind, we're wrong,

316
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,680
Speaker 1: we're the worst, everyone else is doing better. One of

317
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:36,240
Speaker 1: the ways I'm going to share with you is that

318
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,560
Speaker 1: I think it's really important to be aware of how

319
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:43,280
Speaker 1: you get triggered. Right. There are things that trigger you,

320
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,960
Speaker 1: and it's not the thing that's triggering you the person.

321
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,480
Speaker 1: It's your perception, your interpretation of it. And it's okay

322
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,440
Speaker 1: to say, Okay, I'm gonna get off social media because

323
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,560
Speaker 1: that triggers me. You know what, I'm not gonna go

324
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,919
Speaker 1: to that party because when I'm around that group of

325
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,919
Speaker 1: people and the way they talk, that triggers me. You know,

326
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,359
Speaker 1: I don't want to go to that event because that

327
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,640
Speaker 1: triggers me, and again you're not doing it going Often

328
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,320
Speaker 1: what we do is all the people there are just

329
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,199
Speaker 1: so like materialistic? Are the people there are so right?

330
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,640
Speaker 1: It becomes about them, you know, it's about us. Let's

331
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,959
Speaker 1: be really aware and conscious of what our triggers are.

332
00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:17,960
Speaker 1: What are the things that make us feel uncomfortable? What

333
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:22,320
Speaker 1: are the things that put us in that place? And instead,

334
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,760
Speaker 1: let us find the habits that allow us to deepen

335
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:29,080
Speaker 1: our self worth, that allow us to develop our confidence.

336
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,639
Speaker 1: I find that for a lot of people, we're not

337
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:40,160
Speaker 1: building our competence and therefore our confidence doesn't grow. When

338
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:44,880
Speaker 1: was the last time you invested in your confidence? By

339
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:49,880
Speaker 1: investing in your competence, we get better when our skills

340
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,760
Speaker 1: get better. We get better when our habits get better.

341
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,360
Speaker 1: We get better when our mindset get better. But if

342
00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:57,520
Speaker 1: we're just trying to make sure our life looks better,

343
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,840
Speaker 1: often we get so caught up and looking better that

344
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:07,119
Speaker 1: we miss out on doing better, being better, being more,

345
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:13,199
Speaker 1: doing more, taking action, being proactive. We often get so

346
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:17,280
Speaker 1: lost in trying to look a certain way that we

347
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:22,800
Speaker 1: miss out on the opportunity to be grow, become a

348
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:28,560
Speaker 1: better way, make an investment in yourself, make an investment

349
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,960
Speaker 1: in your relationship, and it will automatically look better because

350
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,879
Speaker 1: it will actually be better. Thank you so much for

351
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:40,080
Speaker 1: listening to Today. So grateful you tuned in. I appreciate

352
00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,520
Speaker 1: you being here with me, and I can't wait for

353
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,840
Speaker 1: you to come back and listen to another episode of

354
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:49,040
Speaker 1: On Purpose. Remember I forever in your corner and I'm

355
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,920
Speaker 1: always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you're

356
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,400
Speaker 1: going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how

357
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,240
Speaker 1: to get over your ex and find true love in

358
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:02,760
Speaker 1: your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend

359
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:07,280
Speaker 1: that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your

360
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:10,320
Speaker 1: compassion to your future self is doing something that gives

361
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,639
Speaker 1: him or her a shot at a happy and a

362
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:13,359
Speaker 1: peaceful life