WEBVTT - Become Unstuck On Behavior 0:00:01.520 --> 0:00:05.200 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nadra Glover to wib and 0:00:05.280 --> 0:00:08.720 you need to hear this. When I was in grad school, 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:16.040 I remember many exercises around what population would you have 0:00:16.440 --> 0:00:20.119 the most biased toward, which population would be hard to 0:00:20.239 --> 0:00:23.560 work with, what sort of things might come up, which 0:00:23.600 --> 0:00:28.479 I think was a really great exercise in helping you 0:00:28.760 --> 0:00:33.960 to challenge your beliefs about a particular group of people 0:00:34.720 --> 0:00:38.720 or a particular type of person. One of the things 0:00:38.720 --> 0:00:42.080 that typically came up for me was, oh, my gosh, 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:44.959 people who harm children. I could never work with them. 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:48.959 And I will say that one of my early jobs 0:00:49.240 --> 0:00:53.000 was in fact doing that. And what I learned was 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:59.279 a lot about people. I learned that despite you know, 0:00:59.360 --> 0:01:03.520 what people do, they have a story and it does 0:01:03.560 --> 0:01:08.520 not condone who they harm or what they do, but 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:14.160 there is a story behind who people become or what 0:01:14.240 --> 0:01:17.600 they choose to do. The other thing that I was 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:22.040 challenged by is working with folks who have addictions. You know, 0:01:22.160 --> 0:01:26.240 in my family there were several family members with addictions, 0:01:26.240 --> 0:01:28.640 and I just thought, I am tired of this life. 0:01:28.640 --> 0:01:32.480 This is something that you know, I wasn't ready to address. 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:37.040 And again I was put into you know, a role 0:01:37.080 --> 0:01:42.000 where I had to work with folks who had addictions, 0:01:42.280 --> 0:01:46.880 and again I learned, Wow, these people have a story. 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:50.480 And one of the biggest things that I learned with 0:01:51.400 --> 0:01:56.120 addiction is it's not typically a chosen path for people. 0:01:57.880 --> 0:02:01.640 It is a way of cold that has gotten out 0:02:01.640 --> 0:02:05.960 of hand. It is a condition of you know, tragedy 0:02:06.200 --> 0:02:12.280 and trying to manage it is sometimes partying gone too far. 0:02:13.240 --> 0:02:16.839 It is a way to mask pain. I mean, it's 0:02:16.960 --> 0:02:21.720 so many things outside of this person just wants to 0:02:21.760 --> 0:02:25.840 be drunk, or this person just wants to use this drug. 0:02:26.639 --> 0:02:31.080 In today's letter, and we will hear from someone who 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:36.040 is challenged by their partner's alcohol use. I don't want 0:02:36.040 --> 0:02:38.360 to say abuse. I don't want to say addiction. I 0:02:38.360 --> 0:02:42.000 don't want to say misuse. We will unpack that as 0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:45.880 we go on. Speaking of those terms, I think over 0:02:45.919 --> 0:02:50.040 the years, those terms have really shifted. I remember in 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:53.680 childhood it was for me, you know, it's alcoholic, this 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:57.240 person is an alcoholic or a drunk, right, and then 0:02:57.280 --> 0:03:02.160 it's shifted to subs's abuse issue now substance misuse issue. 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:06.680 Much of that has to do with how we see people. 0:03:07.639 --> 0:03:12.320 If we see a person as only an alcoholic. We 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:15.680 are dehumanizing them if we consider their whole story, we 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:20.040 might say, you know, they're misusing alcohol, or maybe there 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:24.760 are some dependency issues there. Now, socially, we are not 0:03:24.840 --> 0:03:28.960 supposed to be diagnosing people, right, so when we have 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:32.840 a loved one who has a challenge with alcohol, we're 0:03:33.040 --> 0:03:35.840 still not getting the whole picture. Even if we see them, 0:03:36.200 --> 0:03:39.480 you know, drinking a case of beer or having two 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:42.840 pints of whatever. We don't know what they're doing secretly 0:03:43.240 --> 0:03:47.800 because there could be some secret behaviors happening. So we 0:03:48.040 --> 0:03:53.440 don't know often how severe someone's substance abuse issue is. 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:58.400 And our information of just stop it, don't do it anymore, 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:02.600 just put it to the side, it's not very useful 0:04:02.760 --> 0:04:06.600 in the case of a person having a problem because 0:04:06.640 --> 0:04:10.840 we're giving them a remedy that we may be able 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:13.240 to manage. Right Like, if you don't have a drinking problem, 0:04:13.320 --> 0:04:15.720 you had some issue where you just had to stop drinking, 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:19.919 you could do it. But when someone has an issue 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:24.080 with the substance, that is not as easy. So let's 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:27.160 get into today's call and we will go through this 0:04:27.279 --> 0:04:31.560 and take some breaks and digest some of this as 0:04:31.600 --> 0:04:36.240 we talk today. So let's get started. Hello. 0:04:37.000 --> 0:04:39.520 One big issue in life I'm facing now is with 0:04:39.560 --> 0:04:42.440 my significant other, and I hope you can give me 0:04:42.520 --> 0:04:44.800 some advice on how to deal with this issue. So 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:47.680 we're not legally married, but we have been together for 0:04:47.720 --> 0:04:51.200 twelve years now and have two children. So my issue 0:04:51.240 --> 0:04:53.679 is that I've always had an issue with his drinking. 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:57.719 When we first got together, we obviously did not have children, 0:04:58.080 --> 0:05:00.600 so we both did a lot of partying together, so 0:05:00.880 --> 0:05:03.880 I saw no problem, of course, But once I became 0:05:03.920 --> 0:05:06.560 pregnant and had my son, I did bring it to 0:05:06.640 --> 0:05:09.800 his attention that he just drank too much and all 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:14.400 night and he should cut back. He ignored me to 0:05:14.440 --> 0:05:17.600 get some background. We are Mexicans, so there's a big 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:20.599 machismo that men get to drink all night. It's like 0:05:20.640 --> 0:05:23.000 they wear it as a badge of honor. He's always 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:25.200 had this belief that I was trying to control him. 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:29.120 Fast forwards twelve years later, and I feel things have 0:05:29.200 --> 0:05:32.560 gotten worse. He stopped going out to drink somewhat, but 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:36.200 every Friday and sometimes Saturdays, he drinks at home in 0:05:36.240 --> 0:05:39.000 the garage until five or six in the morning. I 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:41.920 brought it up and he said, I stop going out. 0:05:42.160 --> 0:05:45.120 I'm at home. What's the big deal? He sees no 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:48.480 issue at all. More recently, I had an event and 0:05:48.640 --> 0:05:50.960 he was supposed to stay with the kids. I woke 0:05:51.040 --> 0:05:53.800 up at six thirty am to head out and he 0:05:53.920 --> 0:05:56.520 was still up drinking. The kids did not want to 0:05:56.520 --> 0:05:58.680 stay with him, so I had to take them with me. 0:05:59.360 --> 0:06:01.760 When I bring up the issue, he says, Okay, then 0:06:01.880 --> 0:06:04.240 you can't go out anywhere. I don't agree with this 0:06:04.360 --> 0:06:06.840 because when I go out with my friends or family, 0:06:07.200 --> 0:06:09.520 it's only like once a month, and I have a 0:06:09.600 --> 0:06:13.279 couple of drinks. Socially, I head home early, like ten pm, 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:16.320 and if I have my children, I don't drink at all. 0:06:16.440 --> 0:06:18.239 So that's like eighty percent of the time. 0:06:23.040 --> 0:06:26.479 What happens when we change and the other person doesn't 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:30.200 in relationships, you know, I think about friendships sometimes, like 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:33.000 you know, in my twenties, I had a partying phase 0:06:33.400 --> 0:06:38.680 and some people stayed in that space longer than I 0:06:38.760 --> 0:06:42.680 was willing to. And you know what happens to those friendships, 0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:46.280 It's like you you grow apart. You you know, maybe 0:06:46.320 --> 0:06:48.560 you see them in a different way. What happens when 0:06:48.600 --> 0:06:51.640 we you know, maybe used to drink a lot and 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:55.000 or drink more socially, and you know, we don't have 0:06:55.080 --> 0:06:58.919 a desire for that thing. In some relationships, you know, 0:06:59.000 --> 0:07:02.040 it's something we can ship right when it's our partner 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:06.920 and we see that they're having some problem drinking and 0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:10.680 it is a part of their cultural identity. Like in 0:07:10.720 --> 0:07:13.720 our culture, this is what men do. Just as you 0:07:13.920 --> 0:07:18.160 stated that he believes that as well. Who is he 0:07:18.280 --> 0:07:21.040 without this? Who is he within his culture? If this 0:07:21.120 --> 0:07:23.560 is a part of his identity, This is you know, 0:07:24.360 --> 0:07:28.760 learned behavior. In some ways, this is how a man acts. 0:07:29.120 --> 0:07:32.800 I remember I was talking to a fella many years 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:37.680 ago who was having some monogamy challenges. He you know, 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:42.720 had several affairs, and we started talking about the men 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:45.480 in his family and how this was a part of 0:07:45.520 --> 0:07:50.120 their culture and how he was almost pushed in some ways, 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:54.320 like you know, to chase women to be in multiple relationships, 0:07:54.680 --> 0:07:58.720 and how if he wanted to be in one relationship, 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:01.840 it would require that that he been some of those 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:05.880 rules around that cultural identity, and that was, you know, 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:09.960 really tough. It's really tough to grieve being a part 0:08:10.000 --> 0:08:13.840 of this masculine group if that's what's involved, even if 0:08:13.880 --> 0:08:16.840 it's damaging it's like, but so I can't be with 0:08:16.920 --> 0:08:19.280 them if I'm going to be with you, and so 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:22.400 I have to make this choice maybe to still be 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:28.240 a part of the culture. What happens with alcohol is 0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:33.840 it's all around us in social settings. It is, you know, 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:36.199 it's a part of the fabric. When you go out, 0:08:36.320 --> 0:08:39.400 when there's a celebration, there's champagne, when there is this, 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:43.560 there's beer, when there's that, there's shots. And so stepping 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:48.199 away from that lifestyle when you have a problem with 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:53.280 drinking can be challenging, and to do it without treatment, 0:08:54.480 --> 0:08:57.480 I think is an even bigger challenge because there are 0:08:57.520 --> 0:09:02.000 some some things outside of just the drinking that need 0:09:02.080 --> 0:09:06.320 to be remedied. You know, there are some thinking things 0:09:06.320 --> 0:09:09.680 that are happening, there are some behavioral things that are happening, 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:12.680 and let's face it, there are a lot of behavioral cues. 0:09:13.240 --> 0:09:17.560 You know, when we're watching someone with a substance issue, 0:09:17.600 --> 0:09:20.640 we may not be thinking about all of these things 0:09:20.679 --> 0:09:25.520 that may trigger them. I was talking to someone who 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:28.400 was visiting my home in their smoker. I don't allow 0:09:28.520 --> 0:09:31.800 smoking in my home, and you know, I offered them coffee. 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:34.280 They have coffee, and they just had a moment to pause, 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:37.440 and I said, oh, what's going on. Usually when I 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:40.240 have my coffee, I have a cigarette. You know, that's 0:09:40.320 --> 0:09:43.199 not something that I have to think about, right, Like 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:46.280 I don't smoke cigarettes, and so I'm not thinking about 0:09:46.440 --> 0:09:48.559 all of these cues. The cues could be the time, 0:09:48.679 --> 0:09:51.439 The ques could be sports, the cues could be certain friends, 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:54.640 the cues could be you know when you feel a 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:57.920 certain thing. Those things are all around. So again the 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:03.160 hay just cut back. It is multifaceted, and so the 0:10:03.280 --> 0:10:07.240 remedy is not just cutting back, but also getting to 0:10:07.320 --> 0:10:12.679 the core, also identifying some of those cultural challenges, also 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:18.679 working through how to manage your feelings without alcohol. You know, 0:10:18.760 --> 0:10:22.240 when you get to the point of drinking from evening 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:26.319 to five or six in the morning, you may need 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:32.160 more support than you think. And I know some of it. 0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:35.720 Oh I could just quit if I want to, you 0:10:35.720 --> 0:10:39.680 would have. You would have, And so doing it without 0:10:39.720 --> 0:10:44.560 support sometimes for people who have challenges with drinking, it's 0:10:44.800 --> 0:10:49.000 not going to be easy. I didn't say it was impossible. 0:10:49.000 --> 0:10:51.440 I'm saying it won't be easy because there are so 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:56.160 many dynamics around you that are encouraging some of this 0:10:56.360 --> 0:11:00.280 drinking lifestyle. As we're talking today, I am just looking 0:11:00.320 --> 0:11:02.680 at my book, which I think is a wonderful book. 0:11:02.840 --> 0:11:06.320 If you are in a relationship with a family member 0:11:06.320 --> 0:11:09.920 who has an addiction of any sort, it is the 0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:14.920 Complete Family Guide to Addiction. I think this book is 0:11:14.960 --> 0:11:19.040 really good because it really talks about what is addiction, 0:11:19.240 --> 0:11:22.800 what causes it, how do we help our loved ones 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:26.680 with it, how do we better understand how to be helpful? 0:11:27.000 --> 0:11:30.640 And sometimes what we're doing, you know, maybe modeling not 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:33.400 drinking or saying hey, look at me, just cut back, 0:11:34.000 --> 0:11:37.640 it's not as helpful as we may think, and so 0:11:37.800 --> 0:11:40.560 they may need some support outside of us, and we'll 0:11:40.600 --> 0:11:42.800 talk more about, you know, some of the supports that 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:45.040 are possible. Let's keep listening. 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:50.320 I honestly told him, why not cut back? Two fridays 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:53.280 a month. I have tried to sit outside and hang 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:54.800 out with him, just to see if he'd cut the 0:11:54.880 --> 0:11:57.720 night short. But he has admitted that he doesn't know 0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:00.840 when to stop. Once he feels buzzed. I feel like 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:03.600 I sound like a broken record. He makes me feel 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:06.920 like I'm asking for too much. It also drives me 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:09.320 crazy because it's like I have to turn off my 0:12:09.400 --> 0:12:12.280 give a shit switch, and once that happens, I start 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:16.120 doing my own thing. Mind you, my children are always 0:12:16.160 --> 0:12:19.600 with me, because God forbid, he takes care of his kids. 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:22.480 Oh but once he sees I'm not home all the time, 0:12:22.559 --> 0:12:25.240 it becomes an issue and accuses me of never being home. 0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:28.800 My response to this is, why do you want me 0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:31.280 at home just sitting around doing nothing? Well, you get 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:34.360 drunk outside now. I do movie nights with the kids, 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:37.640 and he sat with us twice. I don't want to 0:12:37.640 --> 0:12:40.480 sit outside and get drunk all the time. It's crazy 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:43.520 that's the only way he'll spend time with me. Some 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:46.880 women have told me, well, he's a good man, he 0:12:46.960 --> 0:12:50.520 works hard, and at least he's at home. But I'm 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:54.079 tired of feeling this way. I just cannot convince myself 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.679 long enough to be okay with it. I've thought about 0:12:56.720 --> 0:12:59.560 talking to his mother, but I feel like she enables 0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:01.839 him because she talks to him on the phone until 0:13:01.880 --> 0:13:04.440 three am. I feel like she should tell him to 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:06.720 go to bed and call it a night. I've brought 0:13:06.800 --> 0:13:09.440 up his health. She doesn't drink all week, but I 0:13:09.480 --> 0:13:11.760 tell him, what you don't drink during the week, you 0:13:11.800 --> 0:13:13.240 may get up on the weekend. 0:13:12.960 --> 0:13:18.920 So I hear that he's trying to practice some boundaries 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:21.760 around this. So what he's now doing is a bit 0:13:21.800 --> 0:13:25.000 of bench drinking, which can still, like you said, it's 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:28.120 still problematic because although you're you know, you're cutting it 0:13:28.160 --> 0:13:31.280 off for these days, you're getting back to it during 0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:36.559 a certain time period. I once read something that beinge 0:13:36.679 --> 0:13:40.520 drinking can be a little more challenging and dangerous for 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:43.280 people sometimes because that's when you know, you start to 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:48.440 experience more blackouts and you know, just drinking related accidents 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:50.920 and this sort of thing because you've been like trying 0:13:50.960 --> 0:13:54.920 to manage it and then you like full throttle, right. 0:13:55.040 --> 0:13:58.160 So I know when a person has a drinking challenge 0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:00.520 that that is one way to you know, maybe be 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:02.959 able to show themselves like, look, I have control over 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:05.880 this Monday through Thursday, I'm not doing it. But then Friday, Saturday, 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:09.720 Sunday there's a lot of drinking activities. So you know, 0:14:09.800 --> 0:14:13.839 in some ways that could be just as problematic as 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:18.320 a person doing it all week. And as impactful. As 0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:21.960 we talk about this, I wonder, you know, not just 0:14:22.040 --> 0:14:23.840 about you, but also your children. 0:14:24.760 --> 0:14:25.600 There is. 0:14:27.160 --> 0:14:33.720 Significant information on what children in families who have you know, 0:14:33.760 --> 0:14:36.640 a parent with a drinking problem, what they experience as 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:40.000 a result of witnessing this. You know, there is some 0:14:40.640 --> 0:14:47.120 portion of addiction being hereditary or you know, something that 0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:53.280 is mimicked in families and becomes a cycle in our family. 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:56.240 You know, a part of that is the observation of it. 0:14:56.840 --> 0:14:59.359 We are learning, you know, just as it is culturally. 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:03.840 We are learning learning how to manage our problems. We 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:06.320 are learning how to exist. We are learning what we 0:15:06.400 --> 0:15:09.480 do when we sit in the garage, we are learning 0:15:10.040 --> 0:15:13.600 what we may go to when we're having a difficult moment. 0:15:13.680 --> 0:15:16.840 So there's a lot of you know, absorption going on. 0:15:16.920 --> 0:15:21.720 And also I would be concerned about how does this 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:25.480 impact your ability to parent if this is at the 0:15:25.520 --> 0:15:28.560 forefront of your mind, if your concern is not just 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:31.600 keeping your kids safe, but also making sure they're not 0:15:31.760 --> 0:15:35.800 exposed to this, like that is a lot happening for you. 0:15:35.960 --> 0:15:38.360 And with that, I want to say, you know, when 0:15:38.400 --> 0:15:42.320 someone has a drinking problem, it is said that addiction 0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:47.800 is a family disease. What does that mean every single person, 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:51.280 whether they are responding to it or not, whether they 0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:57.600 have some outward show a feeling, they have some experience 0:15:57.760 --> 0:16:02.760 with the drinking person have some impact from the drinking 0:16:03.200 --> 0:16:06.440 in that home. So it is your partner, it is 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:10.200 your two children, and it is you, probably other family 0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:15.800 members and friends. Everyone is impacted. So for you, you know, 0:16:16.200 --> 0:16:19.640 I think it would be helpful to maybe look into 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:22.200 a support group. You know, a really popular one is 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:25.880 alan On. They have resources online. You know, they have 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:30.000 some podcasts that are really helpful. There are you know, workbooks. 0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:34.520 Some other resources that might be helpful for you is 0:16:34.640 --> 0:16:39.880 the Recovery Dharma and then Smart Recovery. These are programs 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:44.200 that are for people who are trying to troubleshoot some 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:46.920 of their drinking and addiction issues. But they also have 0:16:47.080 --> 0:16:51.920 resources for family members. It's really important to not just 0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:55.640 place your partner as the problem, like he is the 0:16:55.680 --> 0:16:58.600 only problem person in this house. Well, you have a 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:01.800 problem with his problem, for you are problemed. The children 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:04.439 have a problem with his problem, Therefore they are a problem. 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:10.280 Like everybody is being impacted by this problem, Therefore everyone 0:17:10.400 --> 0:17:14.200 involved may need some recovery. We're gonna go to break 0:17:14.280 --> 0:17:15.320 and we'll be right back. 0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:24.480 I also hear him always talk with his friends that 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:27.200 say things like my girl doesn't tell me not to 0:17:27.320 --> 0:17:30.760 drink makes me feel like an idiot, or will say 0:17:30.920 --> 0:17:34.280 your girl doesn't let you do anything like pumping his chest. 0:17:34.680 --> 0:17:37.280 When I bring this to his attention, he says, oh, 0:17:37.359 --> 0:17:39.320 it's because they want to make fun of me. Or 0:17:39.440 --> 0:17:41.800 he talks to me about his friends that don't hang 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:45.080 out because the wife won't let him. I tell him, well, 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:47.639 maybe he would just rather be present with his wife. 0:17:47.680 --> 0:17:50.800 There's nothing wrong with that. He'll just dismiss me and 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:53.240 say it's because he allows her to tell him what 0:17:53.320 --> 0:17:56.880 to do. This type of talk disgusts me and makes 0:17:56.920 --> 0:17:57.640 me hate men. 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:03.600 I'm hearing some cultural challenges here, and it may be 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:07.439 a part of your culture to have some of these 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:11.160 common issues with your friends, with your mom, with his mom, 0:18:11.200 --> 0:18:16.320 where there is normalizing around some pretty unhealthy behavior. So yeah, 0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:18.679 someone else's girlfriend may say, oh, yeah, I don't have 0:18:18.720 --> 0:18:20.480 a problem with your drinking. I don't know what she's 0:18:20.480 --> 0:18:24.000 talking about. She may be, you know, so ingrained in 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:26.000 that culture of this is how it should be. That 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:28.280 maybe it's not a problem for her, it's a problem 0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:30.560 for you, and that's okay. You know, we are our 0:18:30.600 --> 0:18:33.520 own independent culture. In my culture, this is not okay, 0:18:33.640 --> 0:18:36.040 And I'm a part of the Mexican culture as well, 0:18:36.160 --> 0:18:40.399 and that is okay behavior. But for me personally, within 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:44.679 my own being, this is something that I don't want 0:18:44.680 --> 0:18:48.120 to be a part of my family fabric. Right. So 0:18:48.160 --> 0:18:52.680 I understand that we operate in this greater culture of something, 0:18:52.720 --> 0:18:55.200 but in our household there is a culture within us, 0:18:55.280 --> 0:18:59.200 there is a culture. So what is my independent culture? 0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:03.399 What is my family culture? What is my ethnicity? You know, 0:19:03.480 --> 0:19:06.760 like there are different cultures that we're operating in, and 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:10.159 so yeah, from your ethnic culture, it sounds like, you know, 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:15.760 some of this, unfortunately is normalized, and I think in 0:19:16.200 --> 0:19:19.399 many cultures there are some things that are not good 0:19:19.400 --> 0:19:23.399 for us mentally and physically that might be normalized, but 0:19:23.440 --> 0:19:26.320 they're still not good things. And so talking to those 0:19:26.400 --> 0:19:28.560 people who are like, yeah, this is how it is, 0:19:28.600 --> 0:19:31.640 it's like, that's not very helpful. It needs to change, 0:19:32.119 --> 0:19:35.240 it needs to be different. You know, we do not 0:19:35.440 --> 0:19:39.439 need to exist in a pattern of this person doesn't 0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:43.159 have to be present because they're engaged in this behavior. 0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:46.920 It sounds like you're wanting something different for your family 0:19:47.000 --> 0:19:49.840 that maybe these other people don't want. And that's okay. 0:19:49.880 --> 0:19:52.040 It doesn't mean that you need to go on a 0:19:52.040 --> 0:19:55.800 crusade of convincing everybody in your culture to shift. Right now, 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:59.200 we just need to shift you. We need to shift 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:03.280 your household, not everyone else. And so you know, part 0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:07.680 of this is really reconciling that this might be okay 0:20:07.880 --> 0:20:11.200 for some of the people in your culture and it 0:20:11.280 --> 0:20:15.080 not be okay for you. The line that really stuck 0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:18.240 out with me here is this type of talk discussed 0:20:18.280 --> 0:20:24.160 me and makes me hate men, all of them. Oh, 0:20:24.400 --> 0:20:29.120 you know, not all men think alike. Not all men 0:20:29.200 --> 0:20:31.720 think alike. And that's something we have to remember, even 0:20:31.720 --> 0:20:35.200 if it's ten that we know there is one person 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:37.919 who works at the grocery store near us who is 0:20:38.000 --> 0:20:40.560 so nice and kind and not like these other men. 0:20:40.680 --> 0:20:44.200 You know, it's the all men part. It's like using 0:20:44.720 --> 0:20:49.200 this situation and maybe some others to say all that 0:20:49.240 --> 0:20:52.520 can be really challenging. And I want you to watch 0:20:52.600 --> 0:20:56.200 that because becoming disgusted with a group of people because 0:20:56.240 --> 0:20:59.600 of what you see, as you know, maybe typical behavior 0:20:59.680 --> 0:21:04.200 amongung some doesn't mean that it's typical among all. Let's 0:21:04.240 --> 0:21:04.880 keep listening. 0:21:06.400 --> 0:21:08.639 You know, he is home all week with us, but 0:21:09.040 --> 0:21:12.520 it's like he's not there. I work from home, so 0:21:12.640 --> 0:21:14.840 I have to deal with everything that has to do 0:21:14.920 --> 0:21:18.760 with my children. I cook dinner, feed them, clean up, 0:21:18.800 --> 0:21:22.240 and take care of shower and bedtime. His representation of 0:21:22.280 --> 0:21:26.639 being present is getting home, showering, eating dinner, and sitting 0:21:26.640 --> 0:21:29.480 on the couch scrolling on TikTok. I hear his mother 0:21:29.560 --> 0:21:32.040 tell me about his daily routines when he lived with her, 0:21:32.359 --> 0:21:35.920 and it's the same, come home, shower, eat and hit 0:21:35.960 --> 0:21:40.080 the couch. Come the weekend heath party. I said, yeah, 0:21:40.160 --> 0:21:42.280 that sounds like my routine when I was single too. 0:21:42.680 --> 0:21:45.919 But now I'm a mother in a relationship, so that's 0:21:46.080 --> 0:21:49.080 not what my schedule is anymore. I've tried to sit 0:21:49.160 --> 0:21:52.439 and think, why does it bother me? Why can't I 0:21:52.520 --> 0:21:56.399 just accept it? What should I do? I'm honestly to 0:21:56.440 --> 0:21:58.720 the point that i just want to call it quits 0:21:58.760 --> 0:22:03.320 because I'm tired of always having the same conversation. Maybe 0:22:03.359 --> 0:22:05.840 I am too hard on him and he doesn't deserve this. 0:22:06.400 --> 0:22:09.359 Maybe I will never understand and accept this and should 0:22:09.440 --> 0:22:14.000 stop making myself unhappy. I think I just want someone 0:22:14.040 --> 0:22:16.760 to evolve with me. I hope you can help me. 0:22:20.280 --> 0:22:23.520 This line. But now I'm a mother in a relationship, 0:22:23.600 --> 0:22:27.919 so that's not what my schedule is anymore. That was 0:22:27.960 --> 0:22:31.760 a choice, That was your choice for motherhood, because there 0:22:31.800 --> 0:22:35.080 are some mothers who don't change their schedule for motherhood. 0:22:35.119 --> 0:22:38.040 There are some fathers who do not change their schedule 0:22:38.040 --> 0:22:41.440 for motherhood. So it sounds like you made a choice 0:22:41.600 --> 0:22:45.040 to be a different version of yourself because you were 0:22:45.119 --> 0:22:50.679 stepping into an intentional role of being a mother, and 0:22:50.720 --> 0:22:54.199 perhaps your partner is not in that same place. One 0:22:54.240 --> 0:22:58.320 of the most challenging times in a couple's relationship is 0:22:58.359 --> 0:23:03.000 when they introduce cho into the relationship. One of the 0:23:03.000 --> 0:23:05.760 big arguments they always have is, you're not doing less 0:23:05.800 --> 0:23:09.360 like me. I've made this sacrifice. You didn't make that sacrifice. 0:23:09.680 --> 0:23:12.320 This is what a father should do, This is what 0:23:12.359 --> 0:23:16.800 a mother should do. That conversation around what these roles 0:23:17.040 --> 0:23:23.000 mean is a common one, and many of us, you know, decide, hey, 0:23:23.160 --> 0:23:26.200 you are a great boyfriend, but you're not the dad 0:23:26.240 --> 0:23:28.399 that I thought you'd be. And you know, what do 0:23:28.480 --> 0:23:30.680 we base that on? Right? You know, before I had 0:23:30.760 --> 0:23:33.440 kids with my husband, I couldn't say what kind of 0:23:33.560 --> 0:23:35.840 dad he was. I mean, he liked my dog, right, 0:23:35.960 --> 0:23:38.720 So it's kind of like, I guess you'll be nice 0:23:38.720 --> 0:23:41.520 to kids like he is the dog. But that's you know, 0:23:41.560 --> 0:23:44.360 that's not a measure, you know, don't We don't know 0:23:44.400 --> 0:23:46.959 what we're getting into with a person. It's like, you know, 0:23:47.359 --> 0:23:49.480 what is what is the measure of that? Now, maybe 0:23:49.520 --> 0:23:51.880 if they have other kids and we have some example 0:23:51.960 --> 0:23:54.800 of oh, well, you know, that's how he treats his daughter. 0:23:54.840 --> 0:23:58.639 But when we're walking into this, we really don't know. 0:23:58.720 --> 0:24:01.520 And to be quite honest, we don't even do everything 0:24:01.560 --> 0:24:05.000 that we think we would do. And so this expectation 0:24:05.280 --> 0:24:09.840 that when you become this parent, you become this maturer person. 0:24:10.320 --> 0:24:14.480 Not all of us. We were the same person as 0:24:14.480 --> 0:24:16.639 we were last year this time, but now we just 0:24:16.680 --> 0:24:21.000 have a baby. You know, nothing has shifted, nothing has changed. 0:24:21.040 --> 0:24:23.800 Maybe we're not drinking less, maybe we're not partying less. 0:24:23.800 --> 0:24:26.159 Maybe we're doing it a bit more because you know, 0:24:26.200 --> 0:24:31.000