1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,599 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:31,200 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,640 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have 7 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:38,159 Speaker 1: you here. Back for another episode. Today we're tackling I 8 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:42,239 Speaker 1: would say, a very important question in our twenties and beyond, 9 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:46,480 Speaker 1: am I actually in love or am I just attached? 10 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 1: I think we often find ourselves entangled in relationships and 11 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:57,880 Speaker 1: sometimes unable to distinguish between the intoxication of infatuation, the 12 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: closeness of emotional attachment, and of course identifying whether this 13 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,560 Speaker 1: is a love that lasts. Particularly in our twenties, I 14 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,400 Speaker 1: think a lot of our relationships take on this very 15 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:16,280 Speaker 1: sensational passion, this fire, this need to rush into things 16 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 1: head first without pausing to consider do I actually even 17 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,000 Speaker 1: like this person? Do I see them in my future? 18 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 1: Or do I just like the companionship? Do I just 19 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:33,120 Speaker 1: like how they make me feel? Knowing that distinction is 20 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,960 Speaker 1: so important so you can actually make good decisions, actually 21 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:39,759 Speaker 1: choose the right people rather than whoever is there at 22 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 1: the time, especially if you're someone like me who occasionally 23 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 1: has to deliberately hold back, which I've gotten a lot 24 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,720 Speaker 1: better at in a lot of my relationships to prevent 25 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 1: falling head over heels after only a handful of dates. 26 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 1: I know it's such a common experience, but importantly, attachment 27 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:04,320 Speaker 1: and love very very different. We develop our first attachments 28 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:08,800 Speaker 1: very young, almost immediately after birth, with our parents or 29 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:12,600 Speaker 1: our caregivers, because we instinctually need to be able to 30 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 1: rely on others for protection. For we have even the 31 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: cognitive or the emotional capacity to love, we can form attachments. 32 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: They're very foundational, and the conditions for their creation is 33 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,280 Speaker 1: quite simple. Proximity to the person in question, a sense 34 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:34,600 Speaker 1: of closeness and dependency. Love, on the other hand, is 35 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 1: a lot more complex. It involves a deeper level of trust, 36 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: a vulnerability, of compatibility, and selflessness. It's not just about 37 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,799 Speaker 1: what we need from someone else, what security they can 38 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:51,600 Speaker 1: provide for us, but what we need in unison, what 39 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:55,680 Speaker 1: we need as a pair. They feel alarmingly similar. I 40 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 1: know that, especially if you've come to realize you've perhaps 41 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:03,639 Speaker 1: never been in love before. And attachment or emotional closeness 42 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,640 Speaker 1: is all you kind of have to base that feeling on. 43 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,800 Speaker 1: But today I really want to break down the difference. 44 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:14,160 Speaker 1: We are going to look at what love and attachment 45 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:18,160 Speaker 1: do to us at a very biological rudimentary level, what 46 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:23,520 Speaker 1: function they each uniquely serve, and those callways to distinguish 47 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,200 Speaker 1: between the two feelings. We're also going to break down 48 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 1: why some of us, myself included, get attached way too quickly, 49 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:36,920 Speaker 1: looking at things like anxious attachment styles, emotional validation and 50 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 1: variable reward, even models of addiction, as well as why 51 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:45,280 Speaker 1: it's important to try and stay single or prevent getting 52 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 1: attached to people romantically during some of those big life 53 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,480 Speaker 1: changes that we go through in our twenties. And finally, 54 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:57,200 Speaker 1: how do we keep that emotional distance when we know 55 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 1: we are people who attach very quickly or both to 56 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,920 Speaker 1: others very quickly. How do we make it so that 57 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:09,360 Speaker 1: we let love develop slowly rather than confusing our attachment 58 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:14,040 Speaker 1: for something deeper. How can we decenter our love interests 59 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: from our lives until they prove they deserve to be there. Well, 60 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:21,839 Speaker 1: I have a few answers for you, along with a 61 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 1: lot of fascinating research and psychology behind this distinction. So 62 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,480 Speaker 1: I'm really excited for this episode. There is so much 63 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,360 Speaker 1: to cover. I know it is such a common conundrum, 64 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,160 Speaker 1: and I think it's really important that we set the 65 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:41,080 Speaker 1: record straight on the difference between these two experiences. Is 66 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 1: it love or am I just attached? So without further ado, 67 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:53,159 Speaker 1: let us dive in. I know I mentioned it before, 68 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 1: and I don't know about you, but I have a 69 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,880 Speaker 1: massive tendency to I think attach very quickly to the 70 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,280 Speaker 1: people that come into my life, not just romantic but 71 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:07,000 Speaker 1: also with friends or even people like work colleagues. I'm 72 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,839 Speaker 1: very much like an all or nothing kind of person. 73 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:15,040 Speaker 1: But often what that leaves me wondering, particularly in relationships, 74 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:18,200 Speaker 1: is whether I am truly in love with that person, 75 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 1: or I've just become accustomed to their companionship, or I'm 76 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:26,240 Speaker 1: being driven by something more shallow like obsession or lust 77 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,320 Speaker 1: or the basic principles of attachment. And I think discerning 78 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 1: those two feelings is a really important part of our 79 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:38,719 Speaker 1: emotional toolkit. They may feel the same, but they have 80 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 1: very different implications for the quality of our relationships. I 81 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:46,279 Speaker 1: also think knowing the difference saves us from a lot 82 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: of pain. I always use the example of situationships to 83 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 1: explain this. Situationships, of course, are these relationships that feel 84 00:05:55,880 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 1: legitimate and intimate and romantic or exclusive, but they're not, 85 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: and typically one person is invested and the other person 86 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,120 Speaker 1: is quite distanced. Now, because I am a hopeless romantic, 87 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:12,240 Speaker 1: I think I've always been that person who has wanted more, 88 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:16,120 Speaker 1: and sometimes in those situations, what I've realized in hindsight 89 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,359 Speaker 1: is that what I thought was love, what I thought 90 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,240 Speaker 1: was this deep bond I had to this person, was 91 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:26,800 Speaker 1: really just a very natural psychological and physical reaction to 92 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:31,359 Speaker 1: the emotional environment that that relationship had created. When you 93 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,720 Speaker 1: spend time with someone doing things that create a sense 94 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 1: of connection and release, primarily hormones and neurotransmitters like oxytocin, 95 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:43,760 Speaker 1: things like going on dates and cuddles and sleeping next 96 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,400 Speaker 1: to each other and shared memories. All of these things 97 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:52,560 Speaker 1: create the neurological premise for bonding, which in turn causes 98 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: an attachment to develop, and from that perhaps love, but 99 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,600 Speaker 1: perhaps not, because it doesn't always get to that stage. 100 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 1: So I want to explain the key differences between those 101 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: two experiences. Let's start with love, particularly of the romantic sort. 102 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 1: In the sequence of how a relationship develops. Often it 103 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:17,000 Speaker 1: follows the pattern of lust, attraction, and then love. That's 104 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:20,680 Speaker 1: kind of the final stage, when you've passed basic physical 105 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,840 Speaker 1: appeal and those urges and you've really met someone beyond 106 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:28,679 Speaker 1: the surface level. I think maybe past that is perhaps 107 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,600 Speaker 1: a sense of comfortability. Now, the psychology behind love is 108 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,960 Speaker 1: really fascinating because it's perhaps one of the most intense 109 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:41,440 Speaker 1: emotions we can feel as humans, probably only second or 110 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,600 Speaker 1: even probably first compared to grief and things like anger. 111 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 1: So for a long time people have really wanted to 112 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: know how it works. Why on Earth does this feeling 113 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,600 Speaker 1: drive us to do wild things, to create masterpieces and music, 114 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: to kill, to start wars. And they've approached it from 115 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:04,080 Speaker 1: a ways, from a biological perspective, this idea that love 116 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 1: is no more than a bunch of neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, 117 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 1: oxytocin that is doing things to our brain. They've also 118 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 1: offered a social perspective that love serves an evolutionary purpose 119 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:21,440 Speaker 1: because it's needed to build community and social cohesion. But 120 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 1: my favorite theory is called the triangular theory of love, 121 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,800 Speaker 1: and it's this integrated idea and what love is and 122 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:32,280 Speaker 1: what it isn't. This was developed a little while ago, 123 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:36,720 Speaker 1: and the premise is that love, romantic love, true love 124 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:41,840 Speaker 1: is made up of three components intimacy, passion, and commitment. 125 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,240 Speaker 1: Each point on this triangle needs to be fulfilled to 126 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 1: say that love exists. If you lack one of these things, 127 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:53,480 Speaker 1: and we're specifically talking about romantic relationships here, you have 128 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 1: something that isn't quite love without the commitment. You have 129 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 1: a situationship without the passion. You have something that might 130 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 1: be very sexual or lustful without the intimacy, and without 131 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:13,000 Speaker 1: the intimacy, you have a friendship. Now, intimacy encompasses feelings 132 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:17,440 Speaker 1: of attachment, but beyond that, it's also you know, including 133 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:22,680 Speaker 1: things like trust, like security, vulnerability, you know, sensations that 134 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:26,839 Speaker 1: they go way beyond a simple closeness or biological bond. 135 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:31,600 Speaker 1: Love also follows what some have proposed as a fairly 136 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:36,840 Speaker 1: typical pattern. So a group of researchers have proposed almost 137 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 1: a four stage model to love. You start off in 138 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:44,360 Speaker 1: the euphoric stage, which is around six months to two years, 139 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,880 Speaker 1: then early attachment one to five years, followed by the 140 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,400 Speaker 1: crisis stage where perhaps we begin to drift apart or 141 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:55,840 Speaker 1: wonder whether this is really what we want? Is this 142 00:09:56,120 --> 00:10:00,320 Speaker 1: really working out at around five to seven years, and 143 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:05,720 Speaker 1: finally the deep attachment, the deep knowing around seven years 144 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:10,320 Speaker 1: and beyond. I actually think from an observational standpoint, this 145 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense in my own experience seeing 146 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,560 Speaker 1: a lot of those people I've known who have been 147 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:19,960 Speaker 1: together around that five year point, really observing how their 148 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:25,400 Speaker 1: relationships shift to another level or they fall apart entirely. 149 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:28,839 Speaker 1: You know, there is no consensus on what love is 150 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:34,200 Speaker 1: because there are more spiritual conceptions that might call it fate, 151 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 1: or they might say it's something deeply entwined with the 152 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: universe and our soul. There is so much, I think, 153 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:44,920 Speaker 1: very deep human sentiment attached to this feeling. But I 154 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:48,560 Speaker 1: think really what it is is a deeply powerful connection 155 00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:50,840 Speaker 1: that is built on the back of a lot of 156 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:57,280 Speaker 1: seemingly minuscule things, things that we overlook. Communication, memory, shed values, 157 00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:01,920 Speaker 1: deep intimacy, passion, but also no compassion. Seeing the world 158 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,600 Speaker 1: through the eyes of another, knowing that they are just 159 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,760 Speaker 1: as much a part of your life as you are 160 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:13,160 Speaker 1: a part of your life. Being in love and desiring 161 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 1: the love of others can be one of the strongest 162 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:21,360 Speaker 1: motivators in our life if we approach it correctly and 163 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 1: if we are able to discern when perhaps it's something 164 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:30,840 Speaker 1: maybe less significant. So let's talk about attachment. I think 165 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:35,439 Speaker 1: intuitively we know it's probably a rung or two below 166 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: that all consuming sensation that we were just describing. It's 167 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:42,240 Speaker 1: really interesting because if you ask people if they've ever 168 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:45,960 Speaker 1: been in love, especially in our twenties, I hear this 169 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,760 Speaker 1: response all the time. I think I thought I was 170 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,200 Speaker 1: at the time, and now I'm not sure. I thought 171 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,840 Speaker 1: I was in love, and what they're probably speaking to 172 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:59,760 Speaker 1: was actually attachment. So attachment is to find as a 173 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:04,640 Speaker 1: love lasting psychological connectedness between human beings, and most of 174 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,240 Speaker 1: what we know comes from the work of John Bulby. 175 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,760 Speaker 1: He is a very well known psychiatrist. If you study psychology, 176 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 1: you definitely would have heard about him, and he was 177 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,599 Speaker 1: particularly interested in working with what he called at the 178 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 1: time emotionally disturbed children. Our first attachment is to our 179 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,800 Speaker 1: parents or our caregivers, and it basically occurs from birth. 180 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:34,520 Speaker 1: We are biologically, genetically evolutionarily pre programmed to form attachments, 181 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,559 Speaker 1: particularly with the people who care for us or give 182 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:42,080 Speaker 1: us attention, and those who are around us. Frequently, and 183 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 1: we can form these attachments well before we have any 184 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:49,319 Speaker 1: of the necessary cognitive or emotional functions to feel love. 185 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 1: Attachment is based on who is fulfilling our needs, who 186 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:57,959 Speaker 1: is consistent in our lives, and who can create that 187 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:02,400 Speaker 1: very much needed sense of secure. This is really necessary 188 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,400 Speaker 1: for our survival because you know, we needed to be 189 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:10,680 Speaker 1: able to identify who is going to protect us back 190 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 1: when I think things are a lot more perilous. And 191 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 1: I think that it's also quite a basic foundational relationship, 192 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,120 Speaker 1: the one we have with our parents is going to 193 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,559 Speaker 1: greatly influence how we approach that broader idea of love, 194 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,559 Speaker 1: and I think we need to briefly talk about attachment 195 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:34,200 Speaker 1: theory here. Attachment theory has definitely been doing the rounds. 196 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:38,760 Speaker 1: It's one of those psychological theories that has mass appeal 197 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,320 Speaker 1: in mainstream media because it really claims to predict how 198 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:46,440 Speaker 1: you love and proposes an explanation for all of your 199 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:50,800 Speaker 1: perhaps you know, love conundrums. So a brief synopsis, this 200 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,720 Speaker 1: model proposes that there are four attachment styles that humans 201 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:58,600 Speaker 1: can have, and these attachment styles are derived primarily from 202 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,400 Speaker 1: the relationship that we had with our parents and the 203 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,880 Speaker 1: care and the love they showed us, and how that 204 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 1: relationship and attachment to them has developed will then serve 205 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,760 Speaker 1: as our first image of how we should connect with 206 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,360 Speaker 1: people later on in our lives, especially in adulthoods So 207 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,040 Speaker 1: the four styles are secure. These are people who are confident, resilient, 208 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:26,040 Speaker 1: non reactive, reciprocal, especially in their relationships, and they don't 209 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:31,000 Speaker 1: really display anxiety when approaching things like romance or commitment 210 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:36,920 Speaker 1: or even harder feelings like rejection. Next, we have anxious preoccupied. 211 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 1: This is characterized by a deep fear of abandonment, high 212 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,840 Speaker 1: levels of insecurity, perhaps really what we would say is 213 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: clinging behavior, and also a level of fantasy bonding. And 214 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:53,960 Speaker 1: this attachment style is really important when we talk about 215 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,800 Speaker 1: this distinction between love and attachment, so remember it because 216 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,560 Speaker 1: we will come back to it later. Sadly, we have 217 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:06,000 Speaker 1: dismissive avoidant. These individuals will often stay quite emotionally distant. 218 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 1: They isolate themselves, maybe reject attempts from others at deep 219 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:15,520 Speaker 1: emotional connection. And I think it's often because they've been 220 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 1: taught from very very early childhood that they can't trust 221 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,360 Speaker 1: people who promise to care for them, so they push 222 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:26,680 Speaker 1: them away because they've associated deep connection with being hurt. 223 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 1: And then finally we have fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidant, and 224 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:34,280 Speaker 1: fearful avoidant as somehow or some sometimes just kind of 225 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 1: rolled into one as just an avoidant a blanket avoidant attachment, 226 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:42,560 Speaker 1: but the fearful avoidant can come off as both very 227 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:47,640 Speaker 1: ambivalent but also very unpredictable. And whilst the dismissive avoidant 228 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,720 Speaker 1: may just completely switch off, the fearful avoidant may create 229 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,360 Speaker 1: conflict in their relationships to try and push people away 230 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:59,120 Speaker 1: and see if they'll leave as others have done because 231 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:03,560 Speaker 1: they really can't fully trust them. They're constantly testing this 232 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:09,320 Speaker 1: relationship for weak spots. Now, these unique attachment styles will 233 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:13,400 Speaker 1: influence how we approach love and dating, but they are 234 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:18,200 Speaker 1: the basis also for seeking out intimacy. I think the 235 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:22,280 Speaker 1: easiest way to distinguish love versus attachment is that you 236 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:26,360 Speaker 1: can be attached to someone and not love them, but 237 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,560 Speaker 1: in order to love someone, you have to be attached. 238 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,200 Speaker 1: I want to talk about some of the other ways 239 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,480 Speaker 1: that we can distinguish between these two things, because, like 240 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 1: I said before, and if you have had past experience, 241 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:42,600 Speaker 1: you'll know, they feel very very similar. I also think 242 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,640 Speaker 1: that when we confuse them, we can use what we 243 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: think is love as reasoning to do things that might 244 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,040 Speaker 1: not be in our best interests, like moving in with 245 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:55,160 Speaker 1: someone after only a few months, or ignoring other possible 246 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,680 Speaker 1: people or options or red flags. So I think both 247 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 1: of them, I feel like a sense of security. Both 248 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:05,800 Speaker 1: make us feel close to another person. But whilst love 249 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:12,680 Speaker 1: is selfless, attachment is somewhat selfish. Whilst love is very mutual. Importantly, 250 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:17,240 Speaker 1: attachment can be one sided and quite transient. So when 251 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:21,040 Speaker 1: I say attachment is selfish, I don't mean that that 252 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,560 Speaker 1: makes you a selfish person, because we all have some 253 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:28,480 Speaker 1: basic level of attachment, just that the function of attachment 254 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:32,920 Speaker 1: is self serving. For example, when we consider the early 255 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:36,119 Speaker 1: stages of dating, when we are forming this bond with someone, 256 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:40,720 Speaker 1: what we're really looking at is what is this person 257 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:44,240 Speaker 1: doing for me? Is this person making me happy? What 258 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,439 Speaker 1: feelings are they creating for me? How do I feel? 259 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:51,119 Speaker 1: Rather than what can I do to make them happy? 260 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 1: How can we grow together? How can I love them better? 261 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 1: Attachment is really driven by how you feel about yourself, 262 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:04,400 Speaker 1: how if you feel secure, and the safety and attention 263 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,160 Speaker 1: someone gives you. Based on all of these different models. 264 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,720 Speaker 1: A big part of attachment is that it's highly subjective, 265 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,920 Speaker 1: and it can be really easily influenced by our own 266 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,960 Speaker 1: visions or interpretations of what this person is offering. And 267 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:24,520 Speaker 1: it can also feel incredibly intense because biologically, our brains 268 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,959 Speaker 1: want us to attach to others, so it makes us 269 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:33,199 Speaker 1: fairly susceptible to ignoring things like red flags for the momentary, physical, emotional, 270 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:38,800 Speaker 1: mental comfort that someone may offer us. Also, getting incredibly 271 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:42,600 Speaker 1: attached to someone isn't always based on what they're actually 272 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:46,560 Speaker 1: showing you or their actions, but sometimes the fantasy that 273 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,560 Speaker 1: we've created of them in our own heads. It's this 274 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:54,159 Speaker 1: concept called fantasy bonding, and it occurs when you bond 275 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:58,120 Speaker 1: and attach to someone based on who you believe they 276 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,560 Speaker 1: can be or will be, or what you believe they 277 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,160 Speaker 1: can and will be able to give you in the future, 278 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 1: not who they actually are. When you have a fantasy 279 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 1: bond with someone, you often are in a very dysfunctional 280 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,840 Speaker 1: i would say situation or relationship where you have created 281 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:21,200 Speaker 1: a false image of them in your head, or you've 282 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:24,320 Speaker 1: looked to the future to justify why you feel so 283 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:28,600 Speaker 1: close to them and to psychologically protect yourself. You're not 284 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,360 Speaker 1: always in love with someone. You're in love with the 285 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,000 Speaker 1: idea of love or the idea of them. And I think, 286 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 1: in contrast to that, love is very honest, it's sometimes 287 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 1: brutally honest. I truly believe that you can't love someone 288 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,000 Speaker 1: until you've seen something about them that you don't like, 289 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,200 Speaker 1: or you've had some disagreement, or you've seen them anger, 290 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:53,480 Speaker 1: you've seen them vulnerable, and you have still chosen to 291 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:58,080 Speaker 1: be there. You don't have unrealistic expectations about who they 292 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,600 Speaker 1: are or what they could be. You just kind of 293 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,840 Speaker 1: take them as they are, whereas in attachment you're very 294 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:07,960 Speaker 1: willing to overlook those things for what they can give you. Additionally, 295 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,640 Speaker 1: I think love is mutual. Attachment can be one sided, 296 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,520 Speaker 1: wherein one person has really developed a bond and a connection, 297 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,240 Speaker 1: perhaps based on false cues, and the other person can 298 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:24,000 Speaker 1: realistically remain very distant. You know, everyone has their own 299 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,000 Speaker 1: timelines for how long it takes to connect with others. 300 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,639 Speaker 1: But also, in some instances, not all, but some people 301 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,040 Speaker 1: like being chased, and they can bread crumb us with 302 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 1: tiny moments that invariably reinforce our connection to them. It's 303 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:46,639 Speaker 1: this notion in psychology of invariable reward. It's the same 304 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,879 Speaker 1: way that casinos get people to gamble more. Sometimes this 305 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,720 Speaker 1: person will be super affectionate and kind and loving, and 306 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,119 Speaker 1: that's where we feel like we have won the so 307 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:01,199 Speaker 1: called jackpot. And other times they'll be really distant or dismissive, 308 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,840 Speaker 1: and in those moments we want to keep pushing, We 309 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:07,040 Speaker 1: want to keep betting or gambling more because we are 310 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,120 Speaker 1: looking for the satisfaction of when they are once again 311 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,200 Speaker 1: giving us those warm feelings. We just don't know when 312 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 1: that's going to happen. So whilst we may be attached, 313 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,600 Speaker 1: we may also be very much addicted to their inconsistent 314 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:24,840 Speaker 1: behavior and interpret that anxiety as excitement or even a 315 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:29,879 Speaker 1: deeper feeling of passion. I never knew what people meant 316 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:34,600 Speaker 1: when they say that love should be easy and consistent 317 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,840 Speaker 1: and feel safe, because I always thought that what I 318 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:43,560 Speaker 1: wanted was intensity and passion, and that sinking feeling in 319 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,240 Speaker 1: my stomach that was for me, true emotion, That was 320 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:50,000 Speaker 1: true feeling. That was love. But I think maturing is 321 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:55,200 Speaker 1: realizing that it's not. It's a very natural alarm system 322 00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,119 Speaker 1: and natural reaction to someone's inconsistency and lack of stability. 323 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:04,280 Speaker 1: And it creates almost an a chronic stress response. It's 324 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:09,480 Speaker 1: very similar to infatuation, the all consuming feeling that very 325 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:13,840 Speaker 1: quickly and intensely flourishes at the beginning of a new relationship. 326 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,800 Speaker 1: It's the anxiety and the euphoria and the nervousness, And 327 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,280 Speaker 1: if that carries on for many, many months, it might 328 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,639 Speaker 1: be worth examining whether that is actually love, whether that 329 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:29,080 Speaker 1: is actually a good foundation for love, whether there is 330 00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:32,480 Speaker 1: actually genuine friendship and care there, or whether someone is 331 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:36,879 Speaker 1: actually just using you to fulfill their own emotional hunger 332 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:42,199 Speaker 1: and emotional cravings. One final debate or differentiation that I 333 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:45,480 Speaker 1: think we should discuss is that I really believe that 334 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:48,119 Speaker 1: you can be attached to multiple people at once, but 335 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,520 Speaker 1: I don't think that you can be in love with 336 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,720 Speaker 1: them all. Definitely not in the same way. Our minds 337 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,720 Speaker 1: and social brains have adapted to allow for us to 338 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:02,360 Speaker 1: have multiple deep attachments with people like friends, like family. 339 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,920 Speaker 1: That's really the basis for community. But I think love 340 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:11,280 Speaker 1: is a lot more exclusive. Obviously, you can love multiple people, 341 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,760 Speaker 1: but in a different sense to that deep romantic, intimate 342 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:19,760 Speaker 1: love we're talking about. It takes so much from us emotionally. 343 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:24,159 Speaker 1: I think, but it also requires your deep attention to 344 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,959 Speaker 1: another person. That's hard to cultivate with multiple people at 345 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,560 Speaker 1: the same time, and it's a lot harder, I think, 346 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:35,000 Speaker 1: to fall out of love compared to falling out of attachment. 347 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,879 Speaker 1: That's a really good thing about attachment, depending on how 348 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:40,199 Speaker 1: you look at it, but especially for those of us 349 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,480 Speaker 1: who are maybe emotionally attached to someone in their lives 350 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,240 Speaker 1: right now who is maybe not the best for us. 351 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,359 Speaker 1: But attachment is founded on proximity and frequency of interaction. 352 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,840 Speaker 1: When you take away that source, when you take that 353 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:59,119 Speaker 1: fuel away, when you apply distance, our attachment fades. And 354 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,240 Speaker 1: I think it it's a really great way to distinguish 355 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:04,040 Speaker 1: that because love will last a lot longer. Think about 356 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,800 Speaker 1: it in terms of people who sadly have lost a 357 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,640 Speaker 1: spouse or a partner that takes years to heal from, 358 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,399 Speaker 1: and in some ways I think we never healed or 359 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,879 Speaker 1: forget that love. So hopefully that has given you a 360 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:20,600 Speaker 1: good preliminary idea of the distinction. But what I want 361 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,000 Speaker 1: to talk about next is why some of us get 362 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:27,440 Speaker 1: attached a lot quicker than others, myself included, And also 363 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:31,159 Speaker 1: some questions to ask yourself when you're thinking do I 364 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,960 Speaker 1: actually love this person or do I love the idea 365 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,720 Speaker 1: of them? Or do I love their companionship? And then, finally, 366 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,400 Speaker 1: how do we actually detach ourselves when we realize we're 367 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,000 Speaker 1: in that situation, when we realize that this may be 368 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:47,000 Speaker 1: a temporary connection, how do we slow things down and 369 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,920 Speaker 1: let it develop over time? So all of that and more, 370 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:59,600 Speaker 1: after this shortbreak, It goes without saying that there are 371 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,040 Speaker 1: some of us out there who have a tendency to 372 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,000 Speaker 1: fall hard and fast, to believe we are in love 373 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:08,080 Speaker 1: when really what might be happening is a very visceral, 374 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:12,880 Speaker 1: biological and emotional reaction to what you want someone else 375 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,880 Speaker 1: to be, your idea of them in your mind. If 376 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:19,879 Speaker 1: you find yourself utterly obsessed with someone after a couple 377 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:24,120 Speaker 1: of dates, already fantasizing about the wedding, telling all your friends, 378 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:28,240 Speaker 1: moving way too fast, or even finding that you can 379 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:32,960 Speaker 1: jump from relationship to relationship incredibly easily and be met 380 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,640 Speaker 1: with that same level of infatuation every single time, or 381 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,560 Speaker 1: if you know that deep down that you have this 382 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:45,000 Speaker 1: destructive pattern and you ignore red flags, this might be 383 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:49,800 Speaker 1: describing a subconscious and habitual tendency to emotionally attach to others, 384 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:55,360 Speaker 1: and there are a few psychological reasons why that may occur. Firstly, 385 00:25:55,520 --> 00:26:00,200 Speaker 1: if you remember that anxious attachment style we discussed earlier, well, 386 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:05,720 Speaker 1: that is a massive contributor. The development of an anxious 387 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:11,760 Speaker 1: sometimes it's called preoccupied attachment style is often associated with 388 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:17,840 Speaker 1: an inconsistent parenting pattern. Sometimes people have parents who will 389 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:21,960 Speaker 1: be supportive and responsive to a child's emotional needs, and 390 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,400 Speaker 1: then at other times they'll really neglect them and ignore them. 391 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:29,280 Speaker 1: And this inconsistency makes it really difficult for us as 392 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:34,040 Speaker 1: children to understand what we can expect from our parents 393 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,800 Speaker 1: and what their behavior actually means, and so we end 394 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,840 Speaker 1: up confused about the relationship we have with these caregivers. 395 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:46,359 Speaker 1: And what happens is this expression called emotional hunger, where 396 00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,720 Speaker 1: we crave the love of our parents. We are really 397 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:53,280 Speaker 1: anxious around them and when we can expect emotional fulfillment 398 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:57,200 Speaker 1: because it's never consistent, it's like never being fed on schedule. 399 00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:01,600 Speaker 1: We're never given love on a schedule. In adulthood, this 400 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:05,640 Speaker 1: man offence in a very intense fear of abandonment and 401 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 1: a propensity to attach very quickly to those who show 402 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:14,960 Speaker 1: us even the most basic of human empathy. And care 403 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,920 Speaker 1: and connection. Like a new romantic interest, we become very, 404 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:23,560 Speaker 1: very obsessed with their presence and worried that they'll leave us, 405 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:28,000 Speaker 1: and this once again might reinforce that we don't deserve love. 406 00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:31,359 Speaker 1: So instead we go all in. We go as hard 407 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:35,320 Speaker 1: as possible, because we want to seemingly protect ourselves from 408 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:40,399 Speaker 1: this outcome by giving this misconception, by creating this false 409 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:44,360 Speaker 1: narrative that if we commit quicker, if we attach quicker, 410 00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:46,919 Speaker 1: it will be harder for them to leave us. And 411 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:50,280 Speaker 1: I think that can often backfire when we either overwhelm 412 00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:54,159 Speaker 1: this person or we get to the point in relationship 413 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:58,919 Speaker 1: which all relationships face, where we have to have hard conversations. 414 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:02,960 Speaker 1: We will have fights, we will have disagreements or sometimes 415 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:06,639 Speaker 1: be let down. And when that happens, because our attachment 416 00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:11,200 Speaker 1: to them has been based on this very fantasy like image, 417 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:17,400 Speaker 1: this intensity, we will feel threatened because we have created 418 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:23,600 Speaker 1: and incredibly emotionally intense and at times fragile bond. It's 419 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:28,159 Speaker 1: not just childhood abandonment, though, but also our early romantic experiences, 420 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:32,359 Speaker 1: things like that, you know, a particularly devastating breakup or 421 00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:35,600 Speaker 1: the end of a relationship. This can also teach us 422 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,920 Speaker 1: that we need to bond very quickly to hold on 423 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:43,640 Speaker 1: to people. This can also be created by repeated situationships 424 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:47,360 Speaker 1: or flings where we feel like things have really never 425 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:50,960 Speaker 1: reached that next level. So we are constantly seeking out 426 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 1: people who might do this for us, who might fulfill 427 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:57,920 Speaker 1: this need. And then in creating that internal delusion that 428 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,240 Speaker 1: we are in love, because SubCom anxiously that is what 429 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:03,479 Speaker 1: we would like to believe, and so we make that 430 00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:08,400 Speaker 1: a reality for ourselves in our imagination. This comes down 431 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:13,080 Speaker 1: to two other factors that I think are very interlinked. Firstly, 432 00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:16,680 Speaker 1: you believe that a relationship or love or someone else 433 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 1: will make you happy, and that belief has emerged from 434 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:23,640 Speaker 1: a deeply rooted insecurity that maybe you're not good enough 435 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:26,880 Speaker 1: or you don't deserve the love that you're after. Other 436 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:30,800 Speaker 1: people are a huge source of emotional validation, especially if 437 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:34,680 Speaker 1: we are highly self critical and haven't learned to trust 438 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 1: our own opinions of ourselves. In those instances, we really 439 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:40,960 Speaker 1: need others to confirm that we are good, that we 440 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,440 Speaker 1: are attractive, that we are intelligent, that we are desirable, 441 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 1: And when people offer that to us, even in small doses, 442 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:53,480 Speaker 1: this can cause us to attach much quicker because they've 443 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:56,320 Speaker 1: now become a really valuable source for our self confidence, 444 00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:00,920 Speaker 1: which is a very crucial psychological need. There's been studies 445 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,719 Speaker 1: on this, and what they found is that people who 446 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:08,040 Speaker 1: rate their self esteem as lower or poorly, they respond 447 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:13,840 Speaker 1: with greater emotional intensity to compliments, particularly from people they admire. 448 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 1: So it's important to examine if this is the conditions 449 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,480 Speaker 1: of your current relationship or the current early stages of 450 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:25,920 Speaker 1: a relationship, whether this person is actually someone you're compatible with, 451 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:29,600 Speaker 1: if they are a good person who you trust, or 452 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,880 Speaker 1: if they're just giving you the validation or perhaps even 453 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:38,880 Speaker 1: companionship to counter your loneliness, because loneliness is also something 454 00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:43,200 Speaker 1: that can drive us to attach very quickly partners, boyfriends, girlfriends. 455 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:48,600 Speaker 1: Love in general is a pretty powerful protective factor against loneliness. 456 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:52,400 Speaker 1: But if we use relationships as a band aid solution 457 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:56,600 Speaker 1: or to feel some emotional void, it's unlikely that we 458 00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 1: will be as rational and discern about the people that 459 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:04,440 Speaker 1: we are seeking out. All they need to do is 460 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:08,120 Speaker 1: satisfy that baseline need of filling up our time and 461 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,320 Speaker 1: making us feel less alone for us to become bonded 462 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:14,360 Speaker 1: to them because we see them as providing something that 463 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:17,440 Speaker 1: we can't provide for ourselves. It's why I always say 464 00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:20,040 Speaker 1: to people that you need to not date when you're 465 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:25,520 Speaker 1: feeling lonely or during major life transitions that might exacerbate loneliness, 466 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:28,320 Speaker 1: like right after a breakup or when you move to 467 00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:33,240 Speaker 1: a new city. It will be difficult to determine whilst 468 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:36,240 Speaker 1: you're in that state whether you are pursuing this person 469 00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:39,320 Speaker 1: for the right reasons, or whether our innate need for 470 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: attachment is driving you to confuse what that relationship really is. 471 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:47,120 Speaker 1: Is it a bond simply formed on the back of 472 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:53,000 Speaker 1: a perceived emotional deprivation. There's one more factor, I guess, tendency. 473 00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:55,960 Speaker 1: I want to mention that can create a lot of 474 00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:59,440 Speaker 1: ambiguity between attachment and love, and it's one that comes 475 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:02,320 Speaker 1: up a bit, but I definitely think we need more 476 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:06,000 Speaker 1: research into it. Maybe it's a little bit controversial. Some 477 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:10,080 Speaker 1: people have theorized that being physically intimate with someone or 478 00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:14,040 Speaker 1: having sex really early on can disrupt our ability to 479 00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:17,720 Speaker 1: make logical decisions about the longevity or the nature of 480 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: a relationship. Sex is a bonding activity. It releases a 481 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 1: high amount of oxytocin and that produces feelings of connection 482 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:30,200 Speaker 1: and intimacy even if it's not really there. You know, 483 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,080 Speaker 1: if you've only known each other for a few dates, 484 00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:36,680 Speaker 1: that intimacy may cause a very biological attachment before a 485 00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:39,479 Speaker 1: cognitive or a mental one, before you've actually gotten to 486 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 1: know them. And I'm not saying this in like a 487 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:46,160 Speaker 1: Puritan fashion or advocating for, you know, no sex before marriage, 488 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:49,080 Speaker 1: but I think if you've noticed a habit of getting 489 00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:53,600 Speaker 1: attached very quickly, maybe change up your approach to intimacy 490 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:57,680 Speaker 1: and sex before exclusivity. One of my friends has a 491 00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:00,840 Speaker 1: three date minimum, which I think works really well, or 492 00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:03,760 Speaker 1: whatever standard you want to set for yourself so that 493 00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:07,560 Speaker 1: all those hormones rushing through your body don't disrupt your 494 00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:11,959 Speaker 1: decision making. There's a few other tactics we can enlist 495 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:16,160 Speaker 1: to protect ourselves and our heart in these situations, to 496 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:19,800 Speaker 1: take our time and you know, not just dive straight 497 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:24,000 Speaker 1: into a really intense attachment with someone. Firstly, you need 498 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,880 Speaker 1: to control your obsessive thoughts, as hard as that is, 499 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:31,040 Speaker 1: by decentering this person from your life until they prove 500 00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:36,080 Speaker 1: they deserve to be there. When we frequently and obsessively 501 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 1: think about a person, when we wonder whether they'll text 502 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:42,600 Speaker 1: us find reasons to talk speak about them continuously to 503 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:46,760 Speaker 1: our friends. What we're doing neurologically is strengthening the pathways 504 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,320 Speaker 1: associated with the image of this person and their presence 505 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:54,600 Speaker 1: in our lives. It's this idea called long term potentiation, 506 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:58,200 Speaker 1: which is basically the opposite of if you don't use it, 507 00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:01,000 Speaker 1: you lose it. If you use it to much. If 508 00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:05,240 Speaker 1: you focus on something excessively, you train your brain to 509 00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:09,879 Speaker 1: use those neural pathways more often, and basically why your 510 00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:12,280 Speaker 1: brain in the short term but also the long term 511 00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:17,080 Speaker 1: towards that person. In this way, your thought pattern becomes 512 00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:21,799 Speaker 1: quite procedural procedural meaning automatic, and you find that you 513 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:25,280 Speaker 1: can no longer control how often you're thinking of this person. 514 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 1: You're exaggerating your level of attachment and your infatuation. To 515 00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:34,440 Speaker 1: deprogram yourself, you need to give your brain new experiences 516 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,759 Speaker 1: and interest to focus on. You need to enrich your 517 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:42,040 Speaker 1: life beyond this person's presence, and that means making sure 518 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:46,799 Speaker 1: you prioritize your friends, taking on new hobbies or even 519 00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:50,080 Speaker 1: just small activities that give you joy but also are 520 00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:54,480 Speaker 1: a cause for reflection beyond your attachment to this person. 521 00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:59,200 Speaker 1: Outdoor adventures weeknight dinners with friends, a sporting class, or 522 00:34:59,239 --> 00:35:02,680 Speaker 1: a group. These are all great alternative to spending every 523 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:06,600 Speaker 1: single night with them in those early stages of dating. 524 00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:08,960 Speaker 1: I always have a two day rule. We can't see 525 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:12,279 Speaker 1: each other more than twice a week because I know 526 00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:15,200 Speaker 1: now that I really need and I want that time 527 00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:19,960 Speaker 1: away from them to keep my independence and actually have 528 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:22,719 Speaker 1: some thinking time. And you know, if you end up 529 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:25,600 Speaker 1: marrying this person, you know, seeing each other less at 530 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,560 Speaker 1: the beginning of your relationship isn't going to matter. It's 531 00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:32,360 Speaker 1: actually just going to mean that you have that slow burn. Secondly, 532 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,520 Speaker 1: if you're quick to jump right in and perhaps create 533 00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:40,480 Speaker 1: an unhealthy bond, force yourself to take things slow, particularly 534 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:44,239 Speaker 1: by managing your expectations. Try not to talk about the 535 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:47,480 Speaker 1: future with them unless they've given you a reason to 536 00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:54,880 Speaker 1: and crucially set emotional boundaries. I think when we crave closeness, 537 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:59,439 Speaker 1: especially during intense periods of loneliness. Maybe you know, maybe 538 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:03,640 Speaker 1: after a break or something traumatic and someone provides you 539 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:08,440 Speaker 1: with that opportunity. We know that over sharing and giving 540 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:12,759 Speaker 1: them very deep, a very deep idea of who we 541 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:16,640 Speaker 1: are is a great way to make them feel closer 542 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,520 Speaker 1: to you, and that can create what we know as 543 00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:23,160 Speaker 1: a hyper dependency bond, the more you share, the more 544 00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:26,640 Speaker 1: vulnerable you become, the quicker you're going to come to 545 00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:29,840 Speaker 1: depend on this person and see them as someone you 546 00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:33,800 Speaker 1: might love, not because of what they are, but because 547 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,800 Speaker 1: of what they offer you, which is a safe space 548 00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:40,160 Speaker 1: to be validated. So I would say, make sure you 549 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,919 Speaker 1: take your time and be clear about what you want 550 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:45,920 Speaker 1: and be discerning. I know that I would have saved 551 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:49,359 Speaker 1: myself a lot of pain and heartbreak if I'd been 552 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:53,440 Speaker 1: clearer with myself and others about what I actually wanted. 553 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:57,120 Speaker 1: And I'm thinking about someone in particular, who I bonded 554 00:36:57,160 --> 00:37:00,880 Speaker 1: to very quickly during a period of very intense stress 555 00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:05,160 Speaker 1: and because of situations in my house and just general environment. 556 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,000 Speaker 1: So I began to rely on them really intensely, and 557 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:11,520 Speaker 1: I got very attached very quickly. Even when he told 558 00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:13,680 Speaker 1: me that he wasn't looking for anything serious. You know, 559 00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:16,480 Speaker 1: he was saying one thing and then acting another way, 560 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:19,280 Speaker 1: and I really chose to ignore what he was saying 561 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:23,520 Speaker 1: for the comfort of that closeness. Huge mistake, big mistake 562 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:28,360 Speaker 1: in those early stages before love develops, whilst we're getting close, 563 00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:31,560 Speaker 1: you really got to check on the reality of your 564 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:36,239 Speaker 1: situation every now and again, because attachment will form outside 565 00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:40,600 Speaker 1: of your conscious control and it's a natural precursor to 566 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:44,200 Speaker 1: something bigger. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you should 567 00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:47,600 Speaker 1: be with this person. If you've found yourself in this 568 00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:51,840 Speaker 1: position right now wondering do I really love for this person? 569 00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:55,400 Speaker 1: Are they really my future? Or have I just you know, 570 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:58,799 Speaker 1: become attached to them. There's also a series of questions 571 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:02,440 Speaker 1: that I think are important to ask yourself. I've found 572 00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:06,480 Speaker 1: these to be so incredibly discerning and truth revealing in 573 00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:08,920 Speaker 1: my own dating life to ensure that I'm not just 574 00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:14,520 Speaker 1: rushing into things because of an emotional urge or human nature. Firstly, 575 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,640 Speaker 1: when you think about how they make you feel, do 576 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:21,120 Speaker 1: you think about physical elements of the relationship or the 577 00:38:21,239 --> 00:38:24,560 Speaker 1: quality of your emotional bond. Would you be just as 578 00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:26,680 Speaker 1: happy being in bed with them as you would be 579 00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:32,279 Speaker 1: having a long, deep conversation. Secondly, do you genuinely care 580 00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:36,239 Speaker 1: about this person's happiness and well being, even if it 581 00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:41,880 Speaker 1: means making sacrifices or compromises. Could someone else be in 582 00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:46,240 Speaker 1: their place right now and would you feel the same way. 583 00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:50,000 Speaker 1: This is really important because it highlights the distinction between 584 00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:55,320 Speaker 1: wanting basic companionship and actually feeling a genuine, deep connection 585 00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:59,600 Speaker 1: based on their individual qualities. Have you imagined a future 586 00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:02,759 Speaker 1: with this person? Do you have shared goals, dreams? Do 587 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:05,839 Speaker 1: you have plans for the future. Are you willing to 588 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:11,120 Speaker 1: work through conflicts and communicate openly rather than just avoiding 589 00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:16,560 Speaker 1: difficult conversations? And what do you feel when you're around them? Also, 590 00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:20,360 Speaker 1: what do you feel when you're not around them? Is 591 00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:23,560 Speaker 1: it calm? Do you know that you'll see them again soon? 592 00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:27,400 Speaker 1: Is it peace or are you anxious? Are you fretful? 593 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:30,319 Speaker 1: Are you unsure of what you want? You know what 594 00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,200 Speaker 1: that sounds a lot like. It sounds a lot like 595 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:36,440 Speaker 1: they are activating an abandonment wound or an anxious attachment. 596 00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:39,720 Speaker 1: And I think it's important to be honest with yourself 597 00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:43,399 Speaker 1: about whether beginning this way is going to actually lead 598 00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:46,920 Speaker 1: to a good foundation for a future together. You know, remember, 599 00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:49,799 Speaker 1: love is calm, Love is peaceful. You can still be 600 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,680 Speaker 1: excited and passionate, but you don't have to worry about 601 00:39:52,719 --> 00:39:55,719 Speaker 1: how they feel. You know. Attachment is a lot more nuanced, 602 00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:58,880 Speaker 1: and I guess fickle. It comes quicker, it burns brighter, 603 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:02,080 Speaker 1: it feels nice. But these two things are not the same, 604 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:05,319 Speaker 1: and confusing them can create a lot of havoc, but 605 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:09,040 Speaker 1: also regret later on when you realize you were perhaps 606 00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:12,719 Speaker 1: mistaken it and you can't trust yourself anymore. So I 607 00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,319 Speaker 1: hope that this has given you a good guide, a 608 00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:19,719 Speaker 1: good ability to discern between these two feelings. Also, I 609 00:40:19,719 --> 00:40:22,560 Speaker 1: would say, if you are listening to this podcast with 610 00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:27,640 Speaker 1: a particular person in mind, I think that just that 611 00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:32,040 Speaker 1: fact that you're having those questions about am I in 612 00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:34,840 Speaker 1: love or am I just attached? Might be indicating that 613 00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:38,600 Speaker 1: you are just attached, because I think love sometimes comes 614 00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:41,040 Speaker 1: without question, like you kind of you kind of know, 615 00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:44,879 Speaker 1: and that's something that I haven't really I didn't really 616 00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:49,680 Speaker 1: realize until recently. But when they're making you feel uncomfortable, 617 00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:53,200 Speaker 1: they're inconsistent, that's not love. That's they don't love you. 618 00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:55,480 Speaker 1: If they're doing that to you, they don't love you. 619 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,200 Speaker 1: I know. It's a very hard truth. I feel kind 620 00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:00,560 Speaker 1: of guilty for saying it so harshly, but I also 621 00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:03,200 Speaker 1: think it's important to note. So I hope this episode 622 00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:06,839 Speaker 1: has been enlightening. I hope it has helped you. It 623 00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:10,759 Speaker 1: was very very interesting to record and to talk about 624 00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:12,560 Speaker 1: it kind of just spilled out of me. This has 625 00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:15,960 Speaker 1: been on my mind for so long. As always, if 626 00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:18,520 Speaker 1: there is someone in your life who needs to hear this, 627 00:41:18,719 --> 00:41:21,439 Speaker 1: please feel free to send it to them. You never 628 00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,759 Speaker 1: know who it's going to help out. And also, if 629 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:26,680 Speaker 1: you feel cool to do so, please feel free to 630 00:41:26,760 --> 00:41:30,400 Speaker 1: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever 631 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,520 Speaker 1: you're listening right now and follow us along at that 632 00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:38,040 Speaker 1: Psychology podcast to see behind the scenes stuff video content 633 00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:40,840 Speaker 1: to keep up to date with what's going on. We 634 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:44,000 Speaker 1: would love to see you over there. As always, thank 635 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,799 Speaker 1: you for listening to today's episode. I hope you are 636 00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,920 Speaker 1: in love and if you're attached, I hope that this 637 00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:52,239 Speaker 1: has helped you figure out why that might be. And 638 00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:56,279 Speaker 1: as always, we will see you back next week for 639 00:41:56,360 --> 00:42:01,839 Speaker 1: another episode