1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:05,400 Speaker 1: All day long. Your body is saying fire alarm, fire alarm, fireflight, run, 2 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: And I was like, mmm, Like I was sitting with him, 3 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,360 Speaker 1: in my back felt like it was on fire. I 4 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: was like, see, it's crazy, it's happening right now. It's 5 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 1: feel it. I think it's really hot. He's like, no, 6 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,760 Speaker 1: your chemicals are so messed up that your body doesn't 7 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,080 Speaker 1: know where you're supposed to be here adrenals are on fire. 8 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:29,960 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one 9 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,440 Speaker 1: health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every 10 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:35,680 Speaker 1: single one of you who come back every week to listen, learn, 11 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:38,760 Speaker 1: and grow. And I am so excited to be talking 12 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, 13 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,840 Speaker 1: Eight Rules of Love is out and I cannot wait 14 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,879 Speaker 1: to share it with you. I am so so excited 15 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,840 Speaker 1: for you to read this book, for you to listen 16 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,320 Speaker 1: to this book. I read the audiobook. If you haven't 17 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 1: got it already, make sure you go to eight Rules 18 00:00:56,280 --> 00:01:00,200 Speaker 1: of Love dot com. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying 19 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 1: to find, keep, or let go of love. So if 20 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,399 Speaker 1: you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling 21 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,319 Speaker 1: with love, make sure you grab this book and I'd 22 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,280 Speaker 1: love to invite you to come and see me for 23 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 1: my global tour Love Rules. Go to Jay shettytour dot 24 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 1: com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences and more. 25 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,240 Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you this year. Now, you 26 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,959 Speaker 1: know that I love sitting down with people from different backgrounds, 27 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,120 Speaker 1: different walks of life who are adding meaning, impact and 28 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: purpose into the world, that have an incredible presence and 29 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 1: use it to do so much good in the world. 30 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,479 Speaker 1: And today's guest is someone who has been so kind 31 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 1: to me, so gracious to me online and offline. And 32 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: our first interaction was actually this January when I announced 33 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,920 Speaker 1: me being the Chief Purpose Officer at Calm and we 34 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,520 Speaker 1: did a series of lives and when this guest today 35 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: said yes, I was over the moon because I love 36 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,680 Speaker 1: her energy. I followed her for a long long time, 37 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: admire her work, and for her to say yes was 38 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,280 Speaker 1: dream come true. So today's guest is none other than 39 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: Megan Trainer. And Megan first made history in twenty fourteen 40 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:10,720 Speaker 1: with her Diamonds certified hit single All About That Bass. 41 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,480 Speaker 1: Since then, the award winning singer, songwriter and multi instrumentalist 42 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,440 Speaker 1: has garnered a Grammy for Best new artist, achieved eight 43 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:22,959 Speaker 1: multi platinum singles and two platinum albums, sold out three 44 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 1: world tours, penned multi platinum hits for peers across pop 45 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:32,040 Speaker 1: and country, and received countless industry awards and nominations. Now 46 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 1: on top of all of that, last fall, we got 47 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,360 Speaker 1: to watch Megan as the host of Top Share Family 48 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:40,640 Speaker 1: Style on Peacock and as a judge on Clash of 49 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:44,200 Speaker 1: the Cover Bands on e In September of twenty twenty one, 50 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,520 Speaker 1: she also launched her podcast Working on It, which she 51 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:51,359 Speaker 1: hosts alongside her brother Ryan. Megan has recently released her 52 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,560 Speaker 1: new single bad for Me, which by the way, my 53 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: producer has been singing and listening to all week, featuring 54 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,920 Speaker 1: Teddy Swims, along with the announcement of her fourth full 55 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 1: length album, Taking It Back, arriving October twenty first, twenty 56 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: twenty two, mark the date. Welcome Megan, Training Up, Megan, 57 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:12,079 Speaker 1: thank you for being here. You're amazing. You're amazing. You 58 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,440 Speaker 1: did all of that. You had to you had to 59 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,960 Speaker 1: live it, you had to create it, you had to 60 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,440 Speaker 1: write it. I mean it's incredible. Wow. Congratulation, Thank you. 61 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 1: I sound so cool. You are you say it? Yeah? 62 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,280 Speaker 1: Even just your energy. Walking in today and I saw 63 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,240 Speaker 1: you come out in the car and just your presence, 64 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 1: your energy, everything that you said. I was just like, 65 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,799 Speaker 1: this is my kind of human, Like, this is the 66 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,760 Speaker 1: kind of person that I want to be around. You 67 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 1: will adopt me. Okay, yeah, thank you. Thank you for 68 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,640 Speaker 1: being here. Honestly, thanks for having me. I'm honored that 69 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 1: you are. You're like, Oprah, You're amazing what you do 70 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,280 Speaker 1: for everyone in the world, and I'm honored and I'll 71 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 1: do whatever you tell me to do. So thank you. 72 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 1: Thanks for letting me be here. I'm humbled and touched 73 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 1: by that. I actually got to say that Oprah because 74 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 1: she I grew up watching her and so for me 75 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,920 Speaker 1: when I finally got to interview her, her book was 76 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,360 Speaker 1: coming out and we got to do the first interview, 77 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:05,760 Speaker 1: is very exciting for me, and I said her afterwards. 78 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 1: I said, hey, Oprah, you know, I think I do 79 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,000 Speaker 1: what I do because I grew up watching you, and 80 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,600 Speaker 1: you showed me that you can make meaningful stuff really 81 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: powerful and it can be really mainstream. It doesn't have 82 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,480 Speaker 1: to be in this little box over here. And what 83 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,240 Speaker 1: she said to me is really special. She said that 84 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:24,320 Speaker 1: Maya Angelou said to her that her best work will 85 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,200 Speaker 1: not be the impact she makes, but the impact that 86 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,440 Speaker 1: the people she impacts make. And I just thought that, 87 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,880 Speaker 1: so anyway, I appreciate, but I'm passing it on to Oprah. 88 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: And but I want to dive into so many things 89 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:43,760 Speaker 1: with you today because you just such an interesting, fascinating persona. 90 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 1: But the first thing I want to ask you is 91 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,160 Speaker 1: you have a secret door in your home? I do. 92 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,560 Speaker 1: I want to know all about it because because to me, yeah, 93 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:55,040 Speaker 1: of course, because to me, secret doors like that's the 94 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,680 Speaker 1: guy when you just showed me your garden too. And 95 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 1: I'm not going to give anything away, but those are 96 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,080 Speaker 1: the kind of homes I get fascinated about because they're 97 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 1: the kind of homes you dreamed of as a kid. Yeah. Literally, 98 00:05:03,279 --> 00:05:06,680 Speaker 1: so tell me about this. I'm creating my dream house 99 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,480 Speaker 1: for when I was a child. Yeah, that's what I'm 100 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 1: doing right now for my future four children. I have 101 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,719 Speaker 1: one now, but he can barely walk, so we'll get there. Um. 102 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,599 Speaker 1: But I have a secret door in my house. And 103 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,520 Speaker 1: the house I bought is really cool. Not a lot 104 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,760 Speaker 1: of houses in LA have addicts in basement, and I 105 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,760 Speaker 1: have both in this house. And my husband we did 106 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 1: so much construction, and he was like, the only thing 107 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 1: I want. I'm like, oh, yes, what would you like? 108 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:33,039 Speaker 1: Maybe he's like a secret door so it looks like 109 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 1: a bookshelf. And I was like, done, Absolutely, we're doing that. 110 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 1: Um And it's the best part of our tour. When 111 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 1: we give tours of our house, Everyone's like, what, um 112 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:46,360 Speaker 1: an attic and that I'm turning into like the best 113 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,480 Speaker 1: kids playground ever that I want to do like homeschooling 114 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: eventually in so Yeah, we got like slides up there 115 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:59,200 Speaker 1: and that's incredible. I'm inviting myself over just right now. Yeah, 116 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,840 Speaker 1: my house is going to be sick one day when 117 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 1: it's done. I love it. I'm very excited. I went 118 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,520 Speaker 1: to home when I first moved to La I think 119 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,800 Speaker 1: I was living here already, and it's the coolest house 120 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: I've ever been to. His name's Frank Learns, and he's 121 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,240 Speaker 1: a speech writer for most of the presidents of the 122 00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:18,160 Speaker 1: United States and that's his career to write speeches teach 123 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 1: people communication. And we spoke at a conference together in 124 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,839 Speaker 1: Singapore and his presentation was amazing, and somehow he liked 125 00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: mine and so we became friends over it at the 126 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,360 Speaker 1: end and we got connected and he lives in La 127 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 1: two and he was like, all right, when you back, 128 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,719 Speaker 1: come over to my house. I was like, great, he's 129 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,840 Speaker 1: in his mid fifties or something, and so I went 130 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:37,840 Speaker 1: over for dinner at his house. And his house is 131 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,640 Speaker 1: like a museum, Like he has the first shirt that 132 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,360 Speaker 1: Nelson Mandela wore to the United States, and he has 133 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 1: like all of these incredible documents, like the invite that 134 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 1: JFK received before the assassination, like he has He's just 135 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 1: like these really amazing things. And we went into this 136 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,680 Speaker 1: room and it had this It wasn't the Titanic, it 137 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 1: was another famous boat, like a structure of it, and 138 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,840 Speaker 1: there was a little Winston Churchill in the corner. And 139 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,240 Speaker 1: he asked me to stroke Winston Churchill's head. And that's 140 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,279 Speaker 1: when things got really weird. And then I looked at 141 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,680 Speaker 1: my phone. I had no data and no signal. I 142 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 1: was really scared. And so I saw the little Winston 143 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,520 Speaker 1: Churchill and he goes, yeah, stroke his head three times, 144 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 1: and I was like, this is getting really weird. But okay, 145 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,760 Speaker 1: I stroked Winston Churchill's head three times, and this trapdoor 146 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:21,120 Speaker 1: open and it was so cool. And I'll say the 147 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: rest of it later, but anyway, my point being, I 148 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,360 Speaker 1: love trapdoors. You also have you also have not trapdoors? 149 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:33,160 Speaker 1: I love. I love dungeons. Dungeons. I'm from London. Dungeons 150 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 1: are a big thing in London. The London Dungeons is 151 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,280 Speaker 1: a great attraction for anyone is wondering. But you also 152 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 1: have two toilets? Can you? Can you explain that too? Wow? 153 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,680 Speaker 1: You really got to come over my house. Yeah, I'm 154 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:50,160 Speaker 1: very fascinated by esthetic. Okay, So in our bedroom upstairs, 155 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:55,240 Speaker 1: there's one bathroom and the other bedrooms are farther away, 156 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,320 Speaker 1: and my husband and I get up all night long 157 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,840 Speaker 1: with the baby. We used to. Now he sleeps, he's great, 158 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,560 Speaker 1: but we used to get up all night long and 159 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,960 Speaker 1: every time I had to pee, Darrel would have to 160 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,360 Speaker 1: pee at the same time, and I'd be like, get oh, 161 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,680 Speaker 1: there's my turn. And I remember in this new house, 162 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:13,320 Speaker 1: we literally like built rooms from scratch, and they had 163 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,880 Speaker 1: a bidet next to the bathroom and I was like, 164 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 1: we'll never use that, but there was an extra hole. 165 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 1: And then I saw the dream and I was like, 166 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 1: I have an extra toilet. And I was to the plumber. 167 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,560 Speaker 1: I was like, can you pop both of these next 168 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:24,800 Speaker 1: to each other, and he was like, what are you 169 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,920 Speaker 1: talking about. I was like, just right there, right next 170 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 1: to each other, and he like laughed and thought I 171 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: was joking. I was like, get it done, and he did. 172 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,840 Speaker 1: And it was the best decision ever. Like, if you're 173 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,840 Speaker 1: really close to your husband, like my like we're tight, 174 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 1: we're close to the most. We like pee together and 175 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,199 Speaker 1: it's the best bonding time ever. I don't know, we're 176 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 1: not nasty with it, but like it blew up and 177 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:50,440 Speaker 1: the whole world was like, oh, and I have couple 178 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:53,559 Speaker 1: friends that are they're older than Daryl and I are. 179 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,520 Speaker 1: Were young. We got lucky we met each other like 180 00:08:55,559 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 1: twenty two, but they're like, you pee in the same 181 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,440 Speaker 1: room as your has been. I'm like, oh, he'll chill 182 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,199 Speaker 1: with me if I'm going number two, Like we hang out, 183 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:09,839 Speaker 1: you know, like we don't do it at the same time. Yeah. 184 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:13,360 Speaker 1: I loves well, thank you. We wanted to start. Now 185 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:16,840 Speaker 1: everything goes deep, but no, I love it. Thank you 186 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,559 Speaker 1: and thank you for learning us into your home. I've 187 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,520 Speaker 1: been loving following you on TikTok for that real It's 188 00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:22,839 Speaker 1: just it's so nice getting to know someone and then 189 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,240 Speaker 1: meeting someone in person and going, oh you're you're even 190 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 1: more wonderful. Investment is a great feeling. So but but 191 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 1: I want to go through parts of your journey that 192 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,280 Speaker 1: that I thought it would be interesting to us and 193 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,080 Speaker 1: you and just everything you talk about when it comes 194 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,920 Speaker 1: to mental health and you talk about like toxic relationships, 195 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 1: and I just love your openness and vulnerability in a 196 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: way that I know my community and audience really needs 197 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,720 Speaker 1: that insight. But I want to go all the way 198 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,960 Speaker 1: back to Nantucket, which is where you grew up, right, 199 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,960 Speaker 1: and then yea, yeah, like you know the feedback that 200 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,400 Speaker 1: I always hear about it's the cutest town or you know, 201 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,000 Speaker 1: it's like tell me about what it was like growing 202 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,520 Speaker 1: up there for you, and you know what you dreamed 203 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:04,640 Speaker 1: of at that time. The world was so small. Everything 204 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 1: was so small. The buildings are small. So when we 205 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 1: would go off island, which was like travel anywhere else, 206 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,520 Speaker 1: we're like, oh, are you going off island? Like the 207 00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 1: buildings were huge, and there's like traffic lights were used 208 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,840 Speaker 1: to stop signs, so everywhere else felt huge. And I 209 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,080 Speaker 1: still get scared when I go to New York. I'm like, well, 210 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,920 Speaker 1: these buildings are way too tall. And like when we 211 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,080 Speaker 1: park in a parking garage, I have full panic because 212 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,079 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, well, we're gonna be late. We have 213 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,880 Speaker 1: to find a parking spot and get a ticket. It's 214 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,240 Speaker 1: the whole thing. But Nantucket was great and growing up there, 215 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,920 Speaker 1: though there's there's no mall, there's no place for kids 216 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,800 Speaker 1: to hang out, so you start drinking and doing drugs 217 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,520 Speaker 1: at like fourteen, wow, and like hooking up at a 218 00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:45,839 Speaker 1: very young age. And like, when I look back at 219 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,240 Speaker 1: stuff that we did, I'm like, how is I not 220 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 1: murdered or kidnapped? Or like, how am I not a 221 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,480 Speaker 1: full blown drug addict? A lot of my friends are, 222 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,720 Speaker 1: and even my brother had problems with alcohol and drugs, 223 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,920 Speaker 1: but he managed it so well that we were like, 224 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,680 Speaker 1: you don't have a problem. You're just fun, you know. 225 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,480 Speaker 1: And then recently he was like, okay, I need to 226 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,360 Speaker 1: be sober. Wow. So it was it's like if you 227 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,240 Speaker 1: made it off that rock, like you won, you survived. 228 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,560 Speaker 1: So it was a crazy place to live. It's it's 229 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:15,920 Speaker 1: so different when I grew up in London, which is 230 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,559 Speaker 1: obviously this big city and you're always around big buildings, 231 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:20,760 Speaker 1: And then I moved to New York and I've lived 232 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 1: in Mumbai and now I live in La So I've 233 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,840 Speaker 1: always been moving from big city to big city. You 234 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,400 Speaker 1: get that tough like you can handle it well, you 235 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,079 Speaker 1: can handle the city, but there's there's also it takes 236 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 1: a lot more effort to feel grounded or to be 237 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,640 Speaker 1: in nature or you know. That took a lot of training. 238 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,360 Speaker 1: Took a lot of training for me to adapt to that. 239 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,679 Speaker 1: And I also find that you know when you when 240 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:43,720 Speaker 1: you're talking about I went to Montana recently, and that's 241 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,960 Speaker 1: where when I was speaking to a lot of the 242 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 1: people that lived in the area, and a lot of 243 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,719 Speaker 1: the kids there were saying they'd never left, and they 244 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 1: were saying that they all went to the same salon 245 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,400 Speaker 1: on a Saturday evening, and they that one of them 246 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,520 Speaker 1: went to Nyu for the summer, but then she moved 247 00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:00,840 Speaker 1: back and she'd like she'd never seen a Chipotle before, 248 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:05,240 Speaker 1: she'd moved out of town. Stuff. And it's always interesting 249 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,960 Speaker 1: to me because we grow up in such bubbles where 250 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,480 Speaker 1: you think everyone thinks like you and everyone's living like you. 251 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,680 Speaker 1: When was the first time that that bubble kind of 252 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,400 Speaker 1: was burst or changed or switched. What was the experience 253 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 1: where you're like, oh wow, there's a whole world and 254 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,800 Speaker 1: people who think differently. And um, I mean when my 255 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,959 Speaker 1: parents started bringing me to songwriting conventions like songwriting competitions, 256 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 1: and I would travel, like my my brothers got a gift. Well, 257 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,720 Speaker 1: it'd be a whole family thing. I have two brothers, 258 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,719 Speaker 1: So for Christmas one year, they're like, we're going to 259 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:37,000 Speaker 1: go to California and have Megan go to this songwriting 260 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,320 Speaker 1: thing with ASCAP and the boys would get to go 261 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,599 Speaker 1: to the zoo. You know, it would always be a 262 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,319 Speaker 1: family thing, but they would make sure the boys got 263 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,920 Speaker 1: to do something fun too. But I remember like traveling 264 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,360 Speaker 1: with my family and seeing Hollywood and I was like 265 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,679 Speaker 1: you but like I was like, oh, it's it's a 266 00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:55,200 Speaker 1: little different than the movies. But then I lived in 267 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,679 Speaker 1: Nashville for a year by myself and that was my college. 268 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 1: I was nineteen and I was like a songwriter. I 269 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 1: would drive to work at noon and I'd write a 270 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 1: song and I'd come home by myself. And I did 271 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,040 Speaker 1: that for a year and then wrote all about that 272 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,600 Speaker 1: bass and got signed and like had to move to 273 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:14,240 Speaker 1: la at nineteen. So a lot of my friends were 274 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,400 Speaker 1: like in college and went home for the summer and 275 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,720 Speaker 1: I was like, I didn't. I don't know. I feel 276 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:23,199 Speaker 1: like I missed a lot of learning steps and relationships, 277 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,240 Speaker 1: Like there's a whole friend group out there that I 278 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,600 Speaker 1: would have had that I don't know them, you know, 279 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,120 Speaker 1: because I just went to work. But I wouldn't have 280 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:34,280 Speaker 1: it any other way. Like we did it. That's it, Yeah, 281 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 1: that's yeah. But there's there's definitely differences that I'm frustrated with, 282 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,680 Speaker 1: Like I don't know how to do taxes. I don't 283 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:45,360 Speaker 1: know how to do many things because at nineteen, all 284 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,840 Speaker 1: of a sudden, there was a team that did it 285 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:50,480 Speaker 1: for me. Yeah, and so when like I don't know, 286 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 1: there's simple tasks that I'm like, I can't I can't 287 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:57,079 Speaker 1: imagine doing that that I feel. I'm working with my 288 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 1: therapist on I feel stupid. Sometimes I feel silly and 289 00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:02,920 Speaker 1: like and she's like, you're not stupid, like look around, 290 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,839 Speaker 1: and I'm like, yeah, but there's simple things. I can't 291 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:08,079 Speaker 1: figure out geography. I don't know where anything is. I 292 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,520 Speaker 1: don't know. I want to I want to share something 293 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 1: with you. I promise you that most people who went 294 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 1: to college don't know how to do their taxes. Okay, 295 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,800 Speaker 1: I know what, you know what the problem, I'll be 296 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,560 Speaker 1: honest with me included and I went I went to 297 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,800 Speaker 1: cast Business School, Like I don't know how to do 298 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,600 Speaker 1: my own taxes because because and the reason I say 299 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:28,120 Speaker 1: that is because you just never trained in the simple thing. 300 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,160 Speaker 1: Like it's it's sad, but no one knows how to 301 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: get a mortgage or how to you know, how to 302 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 1: get taxes, Like you don't know these until you have 303 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,360 Speaker 1: to do it. Yeah, and then when you have to 304 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,360 Speaker 1: do it, you figure it out. Like for me, I 305 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: had to learn a whole new system when I moved 306 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,360 Speaker 1: to the US, so just about when I figured it. 307 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,160 Speaker 1: So I moved to the US when I was twenty eight, 308 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,240 Speaker 1: and so at twenty eight, Yeah, there we go. Yeah, 309 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 1: you moved to when you were nineteen, so yeah, experience. 310 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,680 Speaker 1: But yeah, no, I moved to the US six years 311 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 1: ago when I was twenty eight, and it was like 312 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,560 Speaker 1: I just figured out how to do taxes in London 313 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,080 Speaker 1: that I moved and had to figure it all out again. 314 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,800 Speaker 1: And so I you know, I don't think you should 315 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: be so hard on yourself because because I'd be honest 316 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 1: with the and I don't think most people know how 317 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,800 Speaker 1: to do the things you just mentioned. Yeah, yeah, everyone. 318 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,880 Speaker 1: But when you look at that experience, when you talk 319 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:22,040 Speaker 1: about going into songwriting competitions, Yeah, it's really interesting because 320 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:26,040 Speaker 1: competition often turns people off art and it can often 321 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,360 Speaker 1: be a challenger. It's like you're competing at something and 322 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 1: then often you lose taste for I remember I swam 323 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,360 Speaker 1: a lot when I was in college and high school, 324 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,320 Speaker 1: and I was a pretty good swimmer, and my parents 325 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 1: really wanted me to be a competitive swimmer, and I 326 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,760 Speaker 1: hated the competitive side of swimming. I love competition and 327 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 1: other areas of my life, I just didn't enjoy it 328 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,800 Speaker 1: in the water. For you, what was that experience like 329 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,280 Speaker 1: of because that was even younger than nineteen, right, you 330 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,800 Speaker 1: going to the competition with other kids, but it wasn't 331 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 1: even kids, it was adults. Oh wow. Like it ranged 332 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,960 Speaker 1: from my age seventeen to like fifty five, where they're like, 333 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,840 Speaker 1: I still want to be a songwriter and here's my chance, 334 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:04,160 Speaker 1: and I would like always write on my CDs before 335 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,920 Speaker 1: we played it. I'd be like I produced it myself, 336 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,600 Speaker 1: like be easy on the production. And I was like 337 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 1: just a young girl, I don't know what I'm doing here, 338 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,640 Speaker 1: And they would critique your songs in front of everyone, 339 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 1: so it wasn't like we were competing first songwriting and 340 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:23,120 Speaker 1: if you won, you got signed. And my second year 341 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,720 Speaker 1: I did it and I was like, Dad, I don't 342 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,760 Speaker 1: want to go back, and he's like, your album's way better. Now, 343 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 1: let's go back. The second year I got signed and 344 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,080 Speaker 1: everyone's like, Megan's the one that got picked this year, 345 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 1: and I was like, that's amazing. Do you remember any 346 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,800 Speaker 1: feedback from the first year that like stage with me, Yeah, 347 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,200 Speaker 1: my lyrics didn't make sense because they didn't um my 348 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,840 Speaker 1: production was bad, but they saw potential. They're like it's 349 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,800 Speaker 1: in there. You just gotta be better at like maybe 350 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 1: you shouldn't have said that here or this doesn't really 351 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaker 1: rhyme and blah blah blah, and I was like they 352 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,800 Speaker 1: don't know anything. I'm like, Dad, they suck. But then 353 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 1: I went home and I wrote a whole new album 354 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,880 Speaker 1: and sent it in and then it was like night 355 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:00,440 Speaker 1: and day and they're like, wow, he took our notes 356 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,920 Speaker 1: and you came back. So it was great and everyone 357 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,320 Speaker 1: should do it. And it sucked and it was great, 358 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,360 Speaker 1: but my parents would make fun of me because I'd 359 00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:10,119 Speaker 1: be like, oh, want to go, and they would drag me. 360 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,800 Speaker 1: And then when I'd be like when I go, I'd 361 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,920 Speaker 1: be like, that was the best thing ever I rock 362 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:18,200 Speaker 1: and like, see, how do people get that courage though? 363 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:23,159 Speaker 1: Because I feel that supportive parents, that was it. Really 364 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 1: My parents blew to me so much and I was bad, 365 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,639 Speaker 1: Like I wasn't horrific, but I was bad. Like I 366 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,359 Speaker 1: hear the songs now and I'm like, what were you 367 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:35,560 Speaker 1: guys thinking? And my mom like nowadays, she's like she's 368 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,800 Speaker 1: still trying to get those fifteen year old songs cut, 369 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,480 Speaker 1: like they're sorry, not cut. A lot of people don't 370 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,879 Speaker 1: know what that's what that means. When I say like 371 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,080 Speaker 1: get a song cut, I mean another artist sing it. 372 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 1: So she's still trying to like sell those songs and 373 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,720 Speaker 1: I'm like, mom, they're embarrassing, Like there's sometimes those songs 374 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,760 Speaker 1: will get pitched and they'll get cut and she's like 375 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 1: I knew it, like I knew you were good back then, 376 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,320 Speaker 1: and I'm like, wow, you really believed in me. And 377 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,240 Speaker 1: my parents are those parents that are like every one 378 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,919 Speaker 1: should go to college, and for me, they were like 379 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,439 Speaker 1: go to work, like, go be a songwriter. This is 380 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 1: what you're good at You're gonna do this forever. How 381 00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,840 Speaker 1: do you think they noticed that? Like, what was it 382 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,040 Speaker 1: in you? Because obviously, and that's wonderful to hear that, 383 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:16,359 Speaker 1: but they obviously saw something yea, And they saw a habit, 384 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:18,800 Speaker 1: a trait, a pattern, some work ethic. What did they see? 385 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: I think my worth ethic at a young age, Like 386 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 1: I wasn't getting all a's in school, but I'd get 387 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:27,880 Speaker 1: like B minuses and season whatever. But I would come 388 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,520 Speaker 1: home after school every single day and I would use 389 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,520 Speaker 1: the production that my dad would get me at Christmas time. 390 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,440 Speaker 1: I'd use my computer and I would be in garage 391 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,240 Speaker 1: band to logic and I would write a song after 392 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,000 Speaker 1: school every day and I'd play it for them by 393 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: dinner time. So in like four hours, I would write 394 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,800 Speaker 1: and produce a whole song and be like check this out. 395 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,679 Speaker 1: And it was me like loving what I'm doing. It 396 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,040 Speaker 1: didn't feel like work, but it was also me showing 397 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,119 Speaker 1: my parents like thank you for buying this for me, 398 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,560 Speaker 1: and like I'm gonna make you proud of with us someday. 399 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:59,080 Speaker 1: And my dad, my dad was like, this is a 400 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:00,879 Speaker 1: credit card where I'm buying all your stuff on you 401 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:04,520 Speaker 1: can pay them back later when you're successful songwriter, I'm like, 402 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:08,640 Speaker 1: I bought you a house, so there you go. How 403 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 1: does it feel now that you're a mom? Like how 404 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,760 Speaker 1: does that feel? How are you taking pots of those 405 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,639 Speaker 1: gifts that your parents gave you to him on? And 406 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,320 Speaker 1: like my parents were and are the best, Like my mom, 407 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:24,760 Speaker 1: she would be here today, but like, yeah, I know what. 408 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,440 Speaker 1: We're trying to be nice with COVID and like keep 409 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,359 Speaker 1: like we're always like take one person and yeah, but she, uh, 410 00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:34,919 Speaker 1: she's my assistant, full blown now, like, uh, what is 411 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,359 Speaker 1: that light? It's the best. It's a great I'm lucky 412 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:38,640 Speaker 1: and I have a cool mom. A lot of people 413 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:42,000 Speaker 1: don't like their mom's but my mom is my best friend, 414 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,239 Speaker 1: my husband's best friend. They're the same person. I think 415 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:48,000 Speaker 1: I married my mom. Wow, And they like can finish 416 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:51,400 Speaker 1: each other's sentences. It's crazy love. But she's really yeah, 417 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,720 Speaker 1: it's a they she's my full assistant because when I 418 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 1: had like assistance, I've only had two. One was my 419 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 1: best friend and then the second one became a best friend. 420 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,800 Speaker 1: And it's I's just like it gets uncomfortable. It's like 421 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,399 Speaker 1: I don't want to ask you to go get my 422 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,680 Speaker 1: grosser rays. But my mom's like, I'm getting grossries. You 423 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,639 Speaker 1: want to get something for you? I'm like, yes, please, 424 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,200 Speaker 1: Like she's doing it anyways. You know, my mom was 425 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,919 Speaker 1: always my assistant forever, but she's not She's just a 426 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,640 Speaker 1: loving mom. Yeah, but it's the greatest. And I think 427 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,240 Speaker 1: having the supportive family is the only reason why I'm here. 428 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,280 Speaker 1: I mean, I know it is. Yeah, that's why I 429 00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: keep him close. And how do you try and do 430 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,360 Speaker 1: that in your own way? Now? Like, how are you 431 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,360 Speaker 1: doing that few kids? Apart from building them amazing? My 432 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,520 Speaker 1: kid sees his uncle's every day because they live in 433 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:39,440 Speaker 1: my house, So I'm he's surrounded by family all the time, 434 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,280 Speaker 1: and I think that's a part of his speech delay. 435 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,200 Speaker 1: Is like like literally, they're like, it's he the only 436 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,080 Speaker 1: baby here. I'm like, it's all adults and we all 437 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,960 Speaker 1: give him whatever he wants immediately. They're like, so, let's 438 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,520 Speaker 1: wait till he asks, and then you may give him 439 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:58,080 Speaker 1: his snack. I'm like that, Yeah, it's a matter of 440 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,040 Speaker 1: too much love. But I also want to give him 441 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:06,400 Speaker 1: three siblings immediately. Yes, So you're working on that, working 442 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,000 Speaker 1: on that. I think December, I'm gonna try to get 443 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 1: knocked up. I love. Yeah. I feel like for so 444 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:15,360 Speaker 1: many people, family is their contention point, right, Like that's 445 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:21,320 Speaker 1: where they experienced toxicity. It's where they experience generational negative 446 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:25,280 Speaker 1: patterns and trauma. Whereas you have this beautiful setup and 447 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,080 Speaker 1: you're working on it. Obviously it's not just like that. 448 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,399 Speaker 1: What do you think your parents or your family has 449 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,480 Speaker 1: done right over time to maintain that? When you just 450 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,119 Speaker 1: said that, you're your kids surrounded by uncles and like, 451 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,639 Speaker 1: that's so beautiful when it works, and then there's so 452 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:42,359 Speaker 1: many people who what is it that differently or what 453 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 1: have you observed? I'm intrigued because I think that could 454 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:49,800 Speaker 1: be huge for people. I'm breaking a lot of uh, 455 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:57,159 Speaker 1: generational trauma and generational patterns which I've learned with my therapist. 456 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,920 Speaker 1: Up we were shout out my therapists, Um my new song. 457 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,760 Speaker 1: I said. My therapist told me to write you would 458 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,400 Speaker 1: Letta and she's like, you put what Yeah, I wrote 459 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:08,159 Speaker 1: about it. But as I've learned about like why I 460 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:11,399 Speaker 1: am who I am, it makes sense through my parents, 461 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,240 Speaker 1: like no one's perfect in my family. We look great, 462 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:18,399 Speaker 1: but there is some darkness, there's some clouds, and I've 463 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,359 Speaker 1: just trying my very best to break all of that. 464 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,600 Speaker 1: And my mom is so good at adjusting and learning 465 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,639 Speaker 1: and seeing like, oh we can change. We're not like 466 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,760 Speaker 1: this forever. Like my mom's side of the family, they 467 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:35,200 Speaker 1: never talk about what's bothering them. We call it. Her 468 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,520 Speaker 1: last name was Jakanowski, so we call it the Jakanowski secrets. 469 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,639 Speaker 1: And they never bring up how they really feel. And 470 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,800 Speaker 1: I'm like, we're not going to Jakanowski's secret this, We're 471 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,960 Speaker 1: gonna talk right about it. Here's how you make me feel. 472 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:49,560 Speaker 1: And that has my mother has changed significantly. The only 473 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:53,200 Speaker 1: category where she's still slacking is the self talk, self love, 474 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:58,120 Speaker 1: bad bad, which is where I got it from. And 475 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,000 Speaker 1: she knows. She's like I'm sorry, I'm ti, I'm tired, 476 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,359 Speaker 1: Like she won't take a picture, like she'll say the 477 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 1: camera will break. I'm like, well, that's so aggressive, Like 478 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:10,160 Speaker 1: she's so mean, her hard on herself and I And 479 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,960 Speaker 1: she's a part of that generation too that like refuses 480 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,840 Speaker 1: to get therapy and my dad I told them recently, 481 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,879 Speaker 1: I was like, you would both benefit very well if 482 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 1: you had therapy, and they were like, I know what's 483 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:21,959 Speaker 1: wrong with me. I don't need to talk about it, 484 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,840 Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh my god, you're so lost. Like 485 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,600 Speaker 1: so I'm trying to slowly get them into therapy. And 486 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,240 Speaker 1: and I've noticed my brothers now they're all close to 487 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:34,919 Speaker 1: their thirties, they have all woken up and seen like, oh, 488 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,280 Speaker 1: we have alcohol abuse in our family. I should be sober. 489 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,399 Speaker 1: And that's what my brother has done. And he's like 490 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,399 Speaker 1: an amazing human. Now he was great before, but he 491 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:47,440 Speaker 1: was poisoned, you know. And then even my younger brother, 492 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,439 Speaker 1: like he's just there. They've grown up so much. And 493 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,800 Speaker 1: I think it's by watching me change my ways and 494 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,160 Speaker 1: change the patterns of the family and break those bad 495 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,400 Speaker 1: habits that we can all nails. We're doing some work. 496 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,680 Speaker 1: It's exhaustion with someone's going to do it because I 497 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:08,240 Speaker 1: will not have my kids have these bad patterns. Yeah 498 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,080 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Those are some other ones 499 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:14,800 Speaker 1: now because yeah, yeah no, But that's I love hearing that, 500 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:20,879 Speaker 1: and it's it's wonderful to understand that everyone is needing 501 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,879 Speaker 1: help from an individual if you want to change an 502 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,880 Speaker 1: area of your life. Like I just feel like one 503 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 1: of the things I'm certain about is that if I'm 504 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:31,960 Speaker 1: serious about something, I better be accountable to someone else 505 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,680 Speaker 1: in that area of my life, whether that's a therapist, 506 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,080 Speaker 1: a coach, or personal trainer or whatever it may be. Yeah, 507 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 1: And I think if your privilege enough and accessible enough 508 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,159 Speaker 1: to have that help in your life, it can make 509 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,840 Speaker 1: a huge difference. But knowing that your parents aren't doing 510 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,560 Speaker 1: it yet yet they are using the language my mom's yeah, yeah, 511 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,320 Speaker 1: she's much better. Yeah, she's using the language. My dad's 512 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,120 Speaker 1: twenty years older than my mom. Well, so yeah, he's 513 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,680 Speaker 1: like seventy four and she's fifty four, so she's like 514 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,920 Speaker 1: full young hip kids like this out that. I'm like, 515 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,760 Speaker 1: oh no, Bunny's sweet and great. I love that. In 516 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,720 Speaker 1: the beginning of your journey in music today, we know 517 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,520 Speaker 1: that a lot of your relationships inspire you just said that. 518 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,720 Speaker 1: You know, your therapist told you to write a letter 519 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,960 Speaker 1: and said, like you you hear the toxic or poor 520 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:21,080 Speaker 1: relationships you've been in that have inspired music. What was 521 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:24,040 Speaker 1: different about what inspired you back then and what inspires 522 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,159 Speaker 1: you now? Like do you do you ever think about that? 523 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:30,560 Speaker 1: Like what inspired your songwriting then and now? Well, back then, 524 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:34,879 Speaker 1: I was a songwriter writing for other artists, so I 525 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,520 Speaker 1: was thinking, like what's not on the radio and what 526 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,400 Speaker 1: could be on the radio. But I when I wrote 527 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,600 Speaker 1: all about that bass, it was like a joke. Like 528 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,240 Speaker 1: it was like I was like, no one's going to 529 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:48,280 Speaker 1: cut this. We've wasted a day at work and we'll 530 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:51,080 Speaker 1: just write a therapy song for us, like because the 531 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,920 Speaker 1: co writer was like a man, and it was the 532 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,200 Speaker 1: first time meeting him, so it's kind of like a 533 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,159 Speaker 1: blind day and you're like, where'd you grow up? Power? 534 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 1: And then we were we were like we were chubby 535 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,880 Speaker 1: kids and we had to learn how to love ourselves. 536 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,879 Speaker 1: And I was like, how funny it would it be? 537 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,080 Speaker 1: That was like I ain't, no says too, but I 538 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:09,840 Speaker 1: can't shake it, shake it. And I'm like, I'm not 539 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,080 Speaker 1: a confident dancer that dances in front of everyone, but 540 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:15,040 Speaker 1: imagine if I was. And I remember being like, I'll 541 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,399 Speaker 1: sing the demo who cares? And it was like a 542 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:20,159 Speaker 1: raw demo with no auto tune and nothing, but the 543 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:22,560 Speaker 1: lyrics hit so many people that they're like, this is 544 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,119 Speaker 1: gonna be huge. Who's singing it? We'll just let her 545 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:29,480 Speaker 1: do it. So it was really from like a weird, 546 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:32,960 Speaker 1: raw place, like I wasn't chasing radio. I wasn't and 547 00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 1: I fell into that before when you're talking about competition, 548 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,639 Speaker 1: I didn't know about charts and all that stuff. When 549 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,480 Speaker 1: they're like you're number one, I was like fantastic, Like 550 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:45,119 Speaker 1: what is that? Like? Number one everywhere? They're like everywhere? 551 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,200 Speaker 1: I was like, well that was easy. So then anytime 552 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,960 Speaker 1: I did another song, I was like, it's not number 553 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,439 Speaker 1: one everywhere? What do you mean? And then I was like, well, 554 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,280 Speaker 1: maybe I'm not doing what's on the radio. And then 555 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:58,040 Speaker 1: I caught myself chasing radio and just falling on my face. 556 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,040 Speaker 1: So with this new im taking it back. I was like, 557 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:03,000 Speaker 1: I'm gonna go back to when I did do op 558 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,600 Speaker 1: and just didn't care about any charts and anything and 559 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,440 Speaker 1: just do me. Yeah, and you'll hear that come out. 560 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:11,080 Speaker 1: And the first song they put out was a emo 561 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:16,080 Speaker 1: toxic relationship song. I was like, oh, okay, coming out passionate. Yeah, 562 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,400 Speaker 1: And so it sounds like it's always been a roy 563 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,480 Speaker 1: emotion that that's going out, and now you're taking it 564 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:22,480 Speaker 1: back and you're going back to that and you're really 565 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:25,680 Speaker 1: owning that, like with this with this new album, would 566 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:29,040 Speaker 1: you say that we're hearing you through the healing process? 567 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,879 Speaker 1: Are we hearing you healed? Are we hearing you. I 568 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:37,360 Speaker 1: think you're you're hearing, You're hearing a healed what's your mother? Who? 569 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:41,960 Speaker 1: Um is just ruthlessly honest. You know, Like one song 570 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,160 Speaker 1: don't I Make It Look Easy? That I tease today 571 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,960 Speaker 1: on my Instagram, UM is like talking about don't I 572 00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 1: make this Look easy? Like everything's perfect because everyone who 573 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:52,680 Speaker 1: interviews me it is like you are so fun and 574 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:54,520 Speaker 1: you have the best family, in the best life. And 575 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:56,879 Speaker 1: I'm like, I cry so much. You just don't know 576 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,159 Speaker 1: it because I don't film myself and post it, you know. 577 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,240 Speaker 1: So I say in the first verse, like I posted 578 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,680 Speaker 1: a picture, I read all the comments, I hearted the 579 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,160 Speaker 1: good ones, and if I'm being honest, I probably spent 580 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:08,240 Speaker 1: an hour on it. Yeah, and then I'm like foo, 581 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:14,200 Speaker 1: And it's just like a fun way of being ruthlessly honest, 582 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 1: ruthlessly that brutally honest. Yeah. Yeah, what's your take on that? 583 00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:21,240 Speaker 1: What you just said? If like, there's a lot of 584 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,920 Speaker 1: people who will say, oh, well, if we're not taking 585 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,600 Speaker 1: pictures of ourselves crying, in our videos of usselves crying 586 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,119 Speaker 1: and posting it, we're only posting the highlight reel, Like 587 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:31,639 Speaker 1: we hear this all the time. Yeah, what's your personal 588 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:35,440 Speaker 1: take on what's showing up authentically means to you. Ah, 589 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,080 Speaker 1: I just noticed when I do talk about my fun 590 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:42,120 Speaker 1: private personal stuff like my bathrooms goes viral. People love it. 591 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:45,520 Speaker 1: People are like, wow, she's goofy. I'm like mmma, and 592 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,440 Speaker 1: it's always a good reaction, which feels great. Yeah. Like 593 00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,120 Speaker 1: I use that as my therapy of like, oh, the 594 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,120 Speaker 1: world likes me for just who I am, so I'm 595 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:54,800 Speaker 1: just gonna do that. And the more I did that, 596 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,040 Speaker 1: like literally, the more popular I got or the more 597 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:00,200 Speaker 1: people wanted to talk to me, the more I just like, 598 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:02,560 Speaker 1: That's why I did the podcast, because we talk about 599 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,400 Speaker 1: per iv it stuff that I'm like, normalize it, like 600 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:08,640 Speaker 1: I have hard poops, you know, like, and it's just 601 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,280 Speaker 1: it makes I think it's more relatable and people are like, 602 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,920 Speaker 1: I have that problem too. That's in the first place 603 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,040 Speaker 1: I saw that was my mental health. When I saw 604 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:19,560 Speaker 1: Carson Daily on the Today Show explain a full panic attack. 605 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:22,480 Speaker 1: My mom didn't understand what was happening to me. My 606 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,680 Speaker 1: best friend, she couldn't understand. She couldn't help me when 607 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,280 Speaker 1: I said, I need to go to the emergency room 608 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:29,840 Speaker 1: because I can't breathe and she was like, just come here, 609 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:31,800 Speaker 1: I'll rub your head. I'm like, you don't get me 610 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,360 Speaker 1: right now. I sent her that article and she was 611 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:36,720 Speaker 1: sobbing and was like I finally get it because I 612 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,800 Speaker 1: couldn't put it into words. And when Carson did it, 613 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:40,040 Speaker 1: I was like, you don't know what you did for 614 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:46,600 Speaker 1: my whole family. Oh yeah, every time, save my life. 615 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:49,720 Speaker 1: You saved my family relationship. Yeah, because I resented them 616 00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:52,120 Speaker 1: for that. I was like, how do you not understand 617 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,480 Speaker 1: what I'm going through? You're my mother, Like you're my 618 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:58,000 Speaker 1: favorite human being on this earth. Like and and now 619 00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,200 Speaker 1: she still cries about it. She's like I didn't were 620 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:02,640 Speaker 1: you going there? And then she'll look back at her 621 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:05,000 Speaker 1: life and go, oh, I had a panic attack that day. 622 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 1: I thought I was just having a meltdown, but my 623 00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:08,720 Speaker 1: heart was stopping that day, like I thought I was 624 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,240 Speaker 1: going to die. And I was like, yeah, we're riddled 625 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:13,560 Speaker 1: with anxiety and you guys weren't allowed to talk about it, 626 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,480 Speaker 1: but we are. Yeah, here we are help. I'm like 627 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,240 Speaker 1: the biggest fan of screaming for help. Yeah, absolutely, like 628 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:24,000 Speaker 1: something's wrong, somebody helped me. What was your worst experience 629 00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:28,480 Speaker 1: the panic that you remember so strongly, where you didn't 630 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:30,240 Speaker 1: feel anyone was there to help and you were screaming 631 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:32,560 Speaker 1: out for it. I was in New York City. My 632 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 1: first like big real panic attack was four AM. It's 633 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,680 Speaker 1: one of those like never forget four Am. I was 634 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,400 Speaker 1: in glam getting ready to announce the Grammy nominees for 635 00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:44,720 Speaker 1: the year after I won. It's like a thing you 636 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:46,760 Speaker 1: do when you win, you go announce them. And it 637 00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,600 Speaker 1: was going to be live with Gail King and my assistant, 638 00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,880 Speaker 1: who's my best day still is. She was reading me 639 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:56,160 Speaker 1: my schedule for that week and it was like sing here, 640 00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:59,600 Speaker 1: performed there after all my vocal issues were happening, and 641 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:01,920 Speaker 1: I'm just like, if I do that, this will my 642 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:04,120 Speaker 1: voice will die and none of you will make money, 643 00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:07,160 Speaker 1: you know, like we're all going down. So I was 644 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,840 Speaker 1: reading this calendar and I was like, but how would 645 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,920 Speaker 1: I if I go from there to There's no way 646 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:15,200 Speaker 1: I'm going to make that. And then I started getting light. 647 00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,440 Speaker 1: I get a little tingly. Every time I talk about it. 648 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,120 Speaker 1: You start dissociating, like you start leaving your body like 649 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:25,840 Speaker 1: a ghost and like breathing. You start thinking about it 650 00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:28,240 Speaker 1: and full panic comes in and I started crying because 651 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,480 Speaker 1: I was like, I think I'm dying and I was like, 652 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:33,560 Speaker 1: what's going on? And I just had to scream, cry 653 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:37,120 Speaker 1: and breathe and my husband, who was my boyfriend at 654 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 1: the time, and my assistant looked at me and said, 655 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,239 Speaker 1: this is a panic attack. And I almost wish they 656 00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:44,840 Speaker 1: never said that, because I was like, what this is? 657 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:47,680 Speaker 1: What that is? Because I didn't know. I didn't really 658 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,880 Speaker 1: know what people were saying, like how they felt. You 659 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:53,400 Speaker 1: don't know until it's happening, and then when it ended, 660 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: they were telling me what's this? I was like a lamp, 661 00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:59,280 Speaker 1: a TV, a rug and that like snaps you back 662 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:02,440 Speaker 1: into your body. And once I calmed down, they were like, 663 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,440 Speaker 1: I was like, can that happen whenever? And they were like, 664 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:09,120 Speaker 1: m I wish I didn't say that either. Ye screwed 665 00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:10,920 Speaker 1: me for the rest of the day because I was 666 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:13,640 Speaker 1: exhausted and I went on live TV and I haven't 667 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:16,520 Speaker 1: watched that clip since, but I remember I blacked out 668 00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:19,480 Speaker 1: on the TV and was just on autopilot and I 669 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,400 Speaker 1: was like, don't pass out, don't pass out, don't die, like, 670 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,840 Speaker 1: don't have a freak out Live on TV with Gail King, 671 00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:28,920 Speaker 1: And as soon as they were like done. I sat 672 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:32,040 Speaker 1: down on a chair and I lost it. And all 673 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:34,840 Speaker 1: the people on the Gail King show saw me and 674 00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:36,640 Speaker 1: they looked at me like I was a crazy person, 675 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,120 Speaker 1: and they're like, a she okay. And my team looked 676 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:40,920 Speaker 1: at me and they're like, we need to stop. I 677 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:42,760 Speaker 1: was supposed to go do like eight more interviews, a 678 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:45,760 Speaker 1: whole day work, and they just said stop. I went 679 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:48,600 Speaker 1: back to the hotel room and I literally would run 680 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,480 Speaker 1: to the bathroom thinking I would have diarrhea. I was like, no, guys, 681 00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,760 Speaker 1: it's cool. I just have the flu, and they were 682 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,360 Speaker 1: like and I would explain it to people like it 683 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,280 Speaker 1: was like the movies, like when a demon takes over 684 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:02,440 Speaker 1: my body and I had no control anymore. And when 685 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:06,360 Speaker 1: a doctor tells you it's your own brain, You're like, well, 686 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:07,920 Speaker 1: then I'm going to be in a psychord like this 687 00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:10,560 Speaker 1: every day because I can't control that I don't know 688 00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:16,240 Speaker 1: how to. And then also I overdosed on edibles, which 689 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,320 Speaker 1: like you can't really do, but I did it. I 690 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:22,120 Speaker 1: usually would take I was self medicating myself with five 691 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,520 Speaker 1: milligrams a weed with edibles at night, and it really 692 00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:27,400 Speaker 1: helped in the beginning, and it would help me sleep. 693 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,480 Speaker 1: And one day I ran out of the specific edibles 694 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:32,800 Speaker 1: that I took and I ate like a lollipop that 695 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:35,520 Speaker 1: was twenty five milligrams. Then I was so high that 696 00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:37,400 Speaker 1: I forgot I ate that and I ate another one, 697 00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:39,720 Speaker 1: and I usually take five. Right, I was up to 698 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,880 Speaker 1: fifty day fifty milligrams in one day. I was doing 699 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,400 Speaker 1: a puzzle and I was like, I'm not breathing like 700 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:49,200 Speaker 1: so I'd tell people my soul left my body and 701 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:51,959 Speaker 1: I said bye bye, and I was dry heaving all night, 702 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:55,760 Speaker 1: and that is very similar to what you feel in 703 00:33:55,800 --> 00:34:00,400 Speaker 1: a panic attack. So going to those places twice, my 704 00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:02,760 Speaker 1: brain was like, we've been there, and we could take 705 00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:06,080 Speaker 1: you there wherever, whenever we want. And so I was 706 00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:09,600 Speaker 1: really unbalanced. My chemicals were off for a long time, 707 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,920 Speaker 1: months trying to figure out like some days would be horrific, 708 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,160 Speaker 1: couldn't get up, and I was madly in love. My 709 00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:19,200 Speaker 1: career was great. I would tell doctors like, I'm not depressed. 710 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,840 Speaker 1: I didn't feel depressed. I just sometimes if I like 711 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:25,759 Speaker 1: sometimes I'll just feel like I have a migraine for 712 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:27,759 Speaker 1: the rest of the day. I'd have ice packs on 713 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:30,000 Speaker 1: my head. I'd have my mom check my temperature and 714 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:31,840 Speaker 1: was like, no, I just have a flu. Again. It 715 00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:35,200 Speaker 1: says crazy. And then I finally went to a psychiatrist 716 00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:37,759 Speaker 1: and he explained to me, your chemicals are like this, 717 00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,960 Speaker 1: and all day long, your body is saying fire alarm, 718 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:46,360 Speaker 1: fire alarm, firefly run And I was like mmm. Like 719 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:48,080 Speaker 1: I was sitting with him, in my back felt like 720 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:50,600 Speaker 1: it was on fire. I was like, see, it's crazy, 721 00:34:50,600 --> 00:34:52,640 Speaker 1: it's happening right now. It's feel it. I think it's 722 00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:55,880 Speaker 1: really hot. He's like, no, your chemicals are so messed 723 00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:58,640 Speaker 1: up that your body doesn't know where you're supposed to 724 00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:01,560 Speaker 1: be here adrenals are on fire. So I went on 725 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,880 Speaker 1: my first ever antidepressants and I used to get complimented 726 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,880 Speaker 1: like wow, you're the only pop star not on antidepressants. 727 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:10,320 Speaker 1: And I used to be like, well look at me. 728 00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,239 Speaker 1: And now I'm like, that's messed up that they said 729 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:17,000 Speaker 1: that to me, and like it made me judge people 730 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:20,480 Speaker 1: and it was horrible. And now when I was on 731 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:22,880 Speaker 1: when I was finally on the medication, I'm on like 732 00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:26,440 Speaker 1: the lowest dose and after a month or two, I 733 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:32,080 Speaker 1: was like it's quiet, Like everything stopped and it was amazing, 734 00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:35,960 Speaker 1: and I like would talk to my psychiatrist. I like, 735 00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:38,400 Speaker 1: I only had one panic attack this month and it 736 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:41,440 Speaker 1: slowly went down. And it's been like five years now 737 00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:44,759 Speaker 1: and I haven't had a terrible one since. I'll have 738 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:47,040 Speaker 1: nights if I'm over exhausted or am I'll say, my 739 00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:49,160 Speaker 1: body's trying to trick me right now and trying to 740 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:51,040 Speaker 1: pretend I'm in a panic attack, and I know what 741 00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:53,680 Speaker 1: you're doing. You can't basket with me right now. And 742 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,640 Speaker 1: my husband knows too, He knows the drill like it 743 00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:59,120 Speaker 1: saved my life and I don't know what I would 744 00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:02,800 Speaker 1: do without those pills. And I'm sorry I'm blabbing, but 745 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:07,399 Speaker 1: I carry on. When I was pregnant and I told 746 00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:11,400 Speaker 1: people I want to get pregnant, so my doctor, I um, 747 00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:13,600 Speaker 1: they were saying this pill is safe that you're on, 748 00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:16,279 Speaker 1: but this low dose of atavan's not safe. Get off 749 00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:18,400 Speaker 1: of that. So I did get off of that. And 750 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:21,239 Speaker 1: when I walked into my doctor appointment pregnant, like day 751 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:24,120 Speaker 1: one pregnant, as I brought my medicine, was like, this 752 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:25,919 Speaker 1: saved my life. And he was like, oh, you could 753 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:31,080 Speaker 1: throw those candies away and I was like what, Like 754 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:32,920 Speaker 1: I didn't know what to say I was so scared 755 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,160 Speaker 1: and I was like, it was COVID time, so I 756 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:38,440 Speaker 1: couldn't hide. Then my husband I was like what And 757 00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:41,440 Speaker 1: I was in shock. And I stayed with that doctor 758 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:45,200 Speaker 1: for like weeks and just got worse, and I cried 759 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 1: to everyone of like he just wants me to throw 760 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:49,359 Speaker 1: them away, but they saved my life. And my other 761 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:51,320 Speaker 1: doctor said it's totally safe to be on these, So 762 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:54,080 Speaker 1: I don't know what to do. And I eventually changed 763 00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,320 Speaker 1: doctors and she was I had a woman doctor, and 764 00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,880 Speaker 1: she was like, that's insane that he said that to you. 765 00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:02,239 Speaker 1: These are perfectly safe to be on. Your fine, and 766 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,120 Speaker 1: a happy mom is a happy baby. And I've been 767 00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:08,000 Speaker 1: trying to tell every pregnant mom or anyone who's going 768 00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:11,600 Speaker 1: to have a baby and on antidepressants, like you can 769 00:37:11,680 --> 00:37:14,279 Speaker 1: safely stay on them and nothing bad will happen to 770 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:17,520 Speaker 1: your baby. And I never had any postpartum I didn't 771 00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:20,799 Speaker 1: have any depression all pregnant, and my pregnancy was obnoxious. 772 00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:24,200 Speaker 1: I had justational tabetes, but we did it. We crushed 773 00:37:24,239 --> 00:37:30,919 Speaker 1: it with a good diet, diet well pregnant. I was like, what, yeah, 774 00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,960 Speaker 1: but like it's still like the stigma's in some of 775 00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:37,000 Speaker 1: the doctors and it's like, and my baby came out 776 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,759 Speaker 1: c section because he was sideways and my baby was 777 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:43,759 Speaker 1: in the Nikkeu for five days, and all those nurses said, 778 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:48,240 Speaker 1: were you on antidepressants? And I'm I just got soft open. 779 00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:51,240 Speaker 1: I'm on drugs like trying to heal. I feel horrible. 780 00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:54,040 Speaker 1: I don't get to see my prize that I went 781 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,360 Speaker 1: through all that more. And I'm in there trying to 782 00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:59,359 Speaker 1: look at him in the NIKEU tank and they're like, well, 783 00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:01,600 Speaker 1: it's because you're antidepressants. That's why he won't wake up. 784 00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,759 Speaker 1: I'm like what. And I asked all my doctors and 785 00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,359 Speaker 1: they're all like, dude, there's no science that backs at 786 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:11,000 Speaker 1: They're just pointing so they don't get sued. They're just saying, well, 787 00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:15,640 Speaker 1: it's because you're onepressants and that's why. And it was 788 00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,040 Speaker 1: the most discouraging thing. And I'm writing a book about 789 00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:20,880 Speaker 1: it because it was. It messed me up. And I 790 00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:24,640 Speaker 1: still talk to my doctor my psychiatrists recently because I'm 791 00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:27,640 Speaker 1: trying to get lower on my antidepressants in case I 792 00:38:27,719 --> 00:38:30,239 Speaker 1: want another baby. Even though there's no science that backs 793 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:33,520 Speaker 1: that that can hurt that baby happen my doctor's like, 794 00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:37,960 Speaker 1: I got the charts later because doctor Aymon's like, what, like, 795 00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:40,680 Speaker 1: show me, show me how they proved that. And all 796 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:44,799 Speaker 1: the charts said was like, he's sleepy, he's not waking up. 797 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:46,840 Speaker 1: It wakes up on his own time. But it was 798 00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:48,799 Speaker 1: a C section, that's it is traumatic for a baby 799 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:52,760 Speaker 1: come out. Anything could happen, and it wrote mom twenty 800 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:57,239 Speaker 1: seven on antidepressants doesn't And I was like, you know, 801 00:38:57,320 --> 00:38:59,080 Speaker 1: it's the worst thing you could tell a person who 802 00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:00,560 Speaker 1: just had a C section. It was like, it's your 803 00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,319 Speaker 1: fault that this kid's not awake. Wow, but I can't 804 00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:06,600 Speaker 1: wait to have three more kids. But yeah, thank you 805 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:08,320 Speaker 1: for sharing that. You weren't bloving at all. It was 806 00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:11,800 Speaker 1: actually really no, not at all. Honestly, it was so 807 00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:15,399 Speaker 1: thank you for taking us there because I think, yeah, 808 00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:18,440 Speaker 1: it's very easy to closs over some of the detail, 809 00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:20,880 Speaker 1: but actually to hear the details what allows us to 810 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:24,360 Speaker 1: really empathize in the best way possible. But also just 811 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:27,640 Speaker 1: to recognize how much stigma there is. Even hearing the 812 00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:29,799 Speaker 1: statement where you were saying that, oh, you're the only 813 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:33,160 Speaker 1: music artist that's not on these Yeah, and now it's like, oh, 814 00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:35,239 Speaker 1: these are going to no one in my family is 815 00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:39,279 Speaker 1: on them. They should be, Yeah, they could be. I 816 00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:44,279 Speaker 1: have like plenty of people in my family that I'm like, oh, bipolar, undiagnosed, 817 00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:48,719 Speaker 1: like for facts, and like sometimes they know it and 818 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:52,000 Speaker 1: they use booze to help it, and I'm like, there's 819 00:39:52,120 --> 00:39:54,560 Speaker 1: better ways. I take my pill and a half at 820 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,560 Speaker 1: night every night and I feel great and I don't 821 00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:59,240 Speaker 1: have to chug a bottle of booze or eat edibles. 822 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:02,200 Speaker 1: Like there's a way, that a safer way that you 823 00:40:02,239 --> 00:40:05,839 Speaker 1: could do this. So yeah, those pills helped me about 824 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:07,719 Speaker 1: my whole family that they come from place it's like, 825 00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:10,320 Speaker 1: you need medicine, yeah, make you feel better. I'm like, 826 00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:13,240 Speaker 1: uh huh. And the best is when like a doctor 827 00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:15,800 Speaker 1: said to me, well, you have asthma, right, and I 828 00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:17,560 Speaker 1: was like m, He's like you have an inhaler. I 829 00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:20,240 Speaker 1: was like, M, It's like, why can't you have medicine 830 00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:23,759 Speaker 1: for your brain totally? Period? What do you think it 831 00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:26,040 Speaker 1: was for you that drew you in that direction of 832 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,200 Speaker 1: wanting to change your habits, because, like we see with 833 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:32,000 Speaker 1: so many musicians, with so many artists as well, it's 834 00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:33,719 Speaker 1: so easy to go down the other road and like 835 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:36,120 Speaker 1: you're saying, it's not about looking down on those people, 836 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:39,719 Speaker 1: it's just they didn't have a family, but they didn't 837 00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:42,360 Speaker 1: have the support. But what was it for you, because obviously, 838 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:44,600 Speaker 1: like you're saying that, the majority of a family may 839 00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:46,960 Speaker 1: not really understand why you need medicine, but you've met 840 00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,560 Speaker 1: a psychiatrist, You've been very proactive here. Yeah, what made 841 00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:53,399 Speaker 1: you so convinced that you had to make this change 842 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:56,080 Speaker 1: and that you wanted to find this way out because 843 00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:59,440 Speaker 1: it's so easy and natural for you to turn towards alcohol. 844 00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:04,160 Speaker 1: Was for sure spooked, and I knew something was wrong, 845 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:06,040 Speaker 1: Like I knew my chemicals were off, but I didn't 846 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:08,400 Speaker 1: know my chemicals are off. I was like, my body's broken, 847 00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,239 Speaker 1: my brain is broken, and I need help. And I 848 00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:14,040 Speaker 1: was scared. I was scared. I've saw me in a 849 00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:15,840 Speaker 1: psych ward forever for the rest of my life. And 850 00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:18,080 Speaker 1: I was like, well, I don't want that. I want children, 851 00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:20,560 Speaker 1: I want a family, I want a career, I want 852 00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:22,879 Speaker 1: to keep going. Like finally all my dreams scared true 853 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,279 Speaker 1: and this is happening. No way I'm going to fight this. 854 00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:27,680 Speaker 1: So I wanted to fight it. But also it really 855 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:30,200 Speaker 1: really helped me, which is another reason why I talk 856 00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:32,680 Speaker 1: about all my stuff in case it helps someone is 857 00:41:33,040 --> 00:41:36,400 Speaker 1: people like Carson, but also my older brother Ryan. He 858 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:41,040 Speaker 1: used booze and drugs for his anxiety, and he's had 859 00:41:41,719 --> 00:41:44,560 Speaker 1: huge panic attacks that he never told us about. Like 860 00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:47,959 Speaker 1: he lived in our in our house, and in his room. 861 00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:51,040 Speaker 1: He would he told me, oh my god, I would 862 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:53,280 Speaker 1: I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack, 863 00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:54,800 Speaker 1: thinking it was the drugs, but it would be like 864 00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:58,080 Speaker 1: a hangover. Convinced, and he would call it scary Sundays, 865 00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:00,600 Speaker 1: And I was like, this whole time, you just crazy 866 00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:04,360 Speaker 1: panic disorder. But you've been like smothering yourself with booze 867 00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:07,839 Speaker 1: and drugs flying through it. He's like, yeah, stuff it down, 868 00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:10,800 Speaker 1: eat some drugs, you'll be fine. Like drink your medicine. 869 00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:12,160 Speaker 1: That's what do you say. I'm gonna drink my mess 870 00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:14,520 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna go to bed. Like he has sleeparalysis, 871 00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:17,960 Speaker 1: he has the most His brain's way worse than mine was. 872 00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:21,279 Speaker 1: So when I would have my panic attacks, I would 873 00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,239 Speaker 1: go to everyone in the house. He lives in my house, 874 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:26,239 Speaker 1: and I'd be like, something's wrong, and he go, I've 875 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,800 Speaker 1: been there, I know what you're feeling. Go to the 876 00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:30,040 Speaker 1: emergency room. Asked for the lowest dose of medicine that 877 00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:32,000 Speaker 1: you can get. Do not let them give you xanex 878 00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:34,680 Speaker 1: and then come home and you're gonna be fine. And 879 00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:39,239 Speaker 1: having him like my older soldier brother that could get 880 00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:42,239 Speaker 1: through anything, look at me and be like, I've done this, 881 00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:45,239 Speaker 1: You're okay. Instead of my mom being like, what are 882 00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:47,080 Speaker 1: you talking about. You don't need a hospital, he'd be like, 883 00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:50,319 Speaker 1: go go to the hospital, they'll tell you're fine, they'll 884 00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:53,239 Speaker 1: give you oxygen, you'll come home, you'll be great. And 885 00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:58,920 Speaker 1: having that like acceptance but also not be alone feeling 886 00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:03,000 Speaker 1: was like he saved me. Wow. And that's why I 887 00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:06,319 Speaker 1: do this podcast with him, because he's he's now trying 888 00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:08,800 Speaker 1: to be sober. And in our first episodes of the podcast, 889 00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:11,800 Speaker 1: he like you can see him freaking out and he's like, 890 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:13,480 Speaker 1: I don't get to have my medicine and I and 891 00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:15,560 Speaker 1: he did it cold turkey. He didn't go to any 892 00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:19,440 Speaker 1: AA and nothing, no no therapy, no help. He did 893 00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:22,719 Speaker 1: it by himself, which is so dangerous. Don't ever do that. 894 00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:25,279 Speaker 1: Now we're hearing like he could have had a heart 895 00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:27,759 Speaker 1: attack in his sleep. I'm like, oh my god, Like yeah, 896 00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:30,680 Speaker 1: he he's I would tell him I'm like, you're you're 897 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:33,239 Speaker 1: on extra time, bar you're on borrow time. I guy, 898 00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:36,640 Speaker 1: But he's my hero, very looking forward to me. Now 899 00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:41,240 Speaker 1: you're gonna love him him. Yeah. Wow, what an incredible 900 00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:44,279 Speaker 1: story and to have you both go through that. And 901 00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:46,880 Speaker 1: we we've had like amazing guests like doctor Drew on 902 00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:49,480 Speaker 1: our podcast and he loves like he's so funny. He 903 00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:52,480 Speaker 1: loves celebrity rehab. So he loved Doctor Drew. So when 904 00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:54,360 Speaker 1: doctor I've been like, mine, you gotta go to therapy. 905 00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:56,600 Speaker 1: Have demons in here, like, let's go treat them this trauma. 906 00:43:56,960 --> 00:43:59,200 Speaker 1: He was like, no, you're obnoxious. I'll never do therapy. 907 00:43:59,440 --> 00:44:02,280 Speaker 1: Doctor Drew him on our podcast and was like, brains 908 00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:05,759 Speaker 1: heal brains. You need another brain to heal you. Yeah. 909 00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:08,440 Speaker 1: He was like, you're absolutely right, went to trauma, went 910 00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:11,720 Speaker 1: to trauma therapy that week. I was like, so, whatever 911 00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:13,560 Speaker 1: you tell him, he'll be like, yes, sir, I will 912 00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:15,800 Speaker 1: do that. So you're gonna have to write me a 913 00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:20,080 Speaker 1: little list. Yeah, but it is true. We all need 914 00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:22,720 Speaker 1: to hear it from different voices, different faces, different brains. 915 00:44:22,920 --> 00:44:27,600 Speaker 1: Can't be a little sister. But but now you're doing 916 00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:29,920 Speaker 1: that for everyone who's listening. And watching us, like, I 917 00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:33,280 Speaker 1: can't imagine everyone who just heard what you just shed 918 00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:36,799 Speaker 1: and everyone's watching this, It's like there's no one who 919 00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:40,000 Speaker 1: could have heard that note be transformed, like genuinely hope, 920 00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,120 Speaker 1: because like what Carson did for me is what I'm 921 00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:45,560 Speaker 1: just trying to do for anyone out there, beautiful, because 922 00:44:45,560 --> 00:44:48,080 Speaker 1: there's still parents out there that are like mine, that 923 00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:51,400 Speaker 1: are uneducated and don't know, and they're raising babies like 924 00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:55,719 Speaker 1: me who didn't know and had that stigma forever. Yeah, 925 00:44:55,800 --> 00:44:57,960 Speaker 1: and I look at my family and I'm like, oh, man, 926 00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:01,239 Speaker 1: like my grandparents would really needed this, you know, like 927 00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:05,960 Speaker 1: there is there's real crazy trauma back then in my family. Yeah, 928 00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:08,400 Speaker 1: And that just goes down the line. Yeah, And I 929 00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:10,480 Speaker 1: feel you only saw it on the public figures, So 930 00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:12,719 Speaker 1: I just what's the Elvis movie that just came out? 931 00:45:12,800 --> 00:45:16,239 Speaker 1: And then obviously Bohemian Rhapsody about Freddie Mercury few years 932 00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:18,920 Speaker 1: ago that came out. And you start studying the stories 933 00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:22,439 Speaker 1: of all these incredible icons and artists and you see 934 00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:24,759 Speaker 1: alcohol and you see drugs, you know, and you see 935 00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:27,279 Speaker 1: that go to a bitter end, you know, and it's 936 00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:31,359 Speaker 1: it's painful when your heroes and your inspirations go that way, 937 00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:33,000 Speaker 1: but now when you see them go the other way, 938 00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:35,680 Speaker 1: it's it's so didn't It's so cool though that now 939 00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:39,000 Speaker 1: it's like the rock stars that were like our heroes, 940 00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:42,440 Speaker 1: but they died of an overdose. We're like, oh, we 941 00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:45,120 Speaker 1: can't do that Nowaday's like health is in right now. 942 00:45:45,239 --> 00:45:48,120 Speaker 1: I hope, So I hope. I know. I want to 943 00:45:48,160 --> 00:45:50,880 Speaker 1: make it more in even body type. So it's like 944 00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:54,200 Speaker 1: it is hot. I'm like, I want to work tot 945 00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:58,040 Speaker 1: be hot, you know, been healthy, not like and strong. Yeah, 946 00:45:58,080 --> 00:45:59,960 Speaker 1: i want to be strong. I want muscles. I see 947 00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:01,879 Speaker 1: muscles and my thighs now and I'm like, oh my god, 948 00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:05,359 Speaker 1: I'm so hot, Like what do you think that got 949 00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:07,840 Speaker 1: you to that place of your And it's so interesting 950 00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:09,799 Speaker 1: how so much of it is chemical. And I've been 951 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,880 Speaker 1: thinking about that a lot lately that I know so 952 00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:14,239 Speaker 1: many people who get into a negative rhetoric in their 953 00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:18,360 Speaker 1: head where it's like I'm the worst, I'm that, and 954 00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:22,200 Speaker 1: there's spirals and they think there's something wrong like mentally 955 00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:25,080 Speaker 1: or psychologically, and there are changes they're needed, but so 956 00:46:25,280 --> 00:46:28,600 Speaker 1: much of it is chemical, Like I had I've spoken 957 00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:31,160 Speaker 1: about this a few times. It sounds so average, but 958 00:46:31,239 --> 00:46:33,000 Speaker 1: when I heard it from my doctors and my teams, 959 00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:36,480 Speaker 1: it fascinated me. So I went recently, I was not 960 00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:39,000 Speaker 1: Probably in the last twelve months twenty four months, I 961 00:46:39,040 --> 00:46:41,719 Speaker 1: was feeling more tired. And there's plenty of reasons for that. 962 00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:44,800 Speaker 1: We were renting a house during No No, no, there's that, 963 00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:48,880 Speaker 1: But we were renting a home during COVID. During the daytime, 964 00:46:48,920 --> 00:46:53,440 Speaker 1: it was beautiful, and at nighttime it didn't feel so beautiful, 965 00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:55,560 Speaker 1: and it was like there were animals in the floorboards 966 00:46:55,600 --> 00:46:57,640 Speaker 1: and animals in the walls and like so you could 967 00:46:57,680 --> 00:47:00,040 Speaker 1: hear scratching at night and like steps and like it. 968 00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:02,400 Speaker 1: It was hard to sleep. And we just rented it 969 00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:04,640 Speaker 1: during COVID to have a bit more space, and so 970 00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:07,040 Speaker 1: I was dying to move out, and hence we got 971 00:47:07,120 --> 00:47:09,960 Speaker 1: this place and moved. But during that time, I don't 972 00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:12,439 Speaker 1: think my sleep quality was good. And I always sleep 973 00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:14,560 Speaker 1: eight hours a night. I'm very I don't negotiate with 974 00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:16,839 Speaker 1: my sleep. I sleep ten pm to six am, very 975 00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:19,640 Speaker 1: important to me. But at that time, even though I 976 00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:21,319 Speaker 1: was in bed for that long, I wasn't getting good 977 00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:24,120 Speaker 1: quality sleep. Yeah, and so I was feeling exhausted. So 978 00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:25,759 Speaker 1: I started checking with my doctor and they said, you're 979 00:47:25,840 --> 00:47:28,840 Speaker 1: vitamin D levels I were at a ten. Healthy is 980 00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:32,680 Speaker 1: one hundred and average is sixty. And my doctor said 981 00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:34,279 Speaker 1: to me, and my nutrition is to my health team 982 00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:35,920 Speaker 1: that I have, they said to me, they said, Jay, 983 00:47:36,040 --> 00:47:38,320 Speaker 1: we don't know how you're not depressed. And I was like, 984 00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:40,719 Speaker 1: I'm not depressed at all. I'm absolutely fine and like 985 00:47:40,760 --> 00:47:43,480 Speaker 1: with your chemicals in your body show completely And I 986 00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:46,840 Speaker 1: was like that's fascinating to me. That sure, because of 987 00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,080 Speaker 1: my meditation and mindfulness, I was able to not be 988 00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:51,880 Speaker 1: but you could be depressed just because you don't have 989 00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:53,600 Speaker 1: enough vitamin D in your body, Like it can be 990 00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:57,839 Speaker 1: as simple as that. Well, I got a dietitian who 991 00:47:58,920 --> 00:48:02,120 Speaker 1: transform my life to help me healthily lose sixty pounds, 992 00:48:02,200 --> 00:48:06,160 Speaker 1: which was like one pound a week of changing my lifestyle. 993 00:48:06,680 --> 00:48:09,960 Speaker 1: But food is poison, you know, like bad foods. I 994 00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:12,600 Speaker 1: just saw TikTok where this guy was like I had 995 00:48:12,680 --> 00:48:15,160 Speaker 1: anger issues and I was mean and I was in 996 00:48:15,320 --> 00:48:17,920 Speaker 1: high school and even though I was like a smart kid, 997 00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:22,560 Speaker 1: I remember I ate like the burger and the cafeteria 998 00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,200 Speaker 1: food every day and no matter how smart I was, 999 00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,040 Speaker 1: I was like, I'm gonna go fight today because I 1000 00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:29,680 Speaker 1: was angry, and when I started eating healthy, I was 1001 00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:33,279 Speaker 1: less angry. Like, yeah, I have a cousin who has 1002 00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:37,080 Speaker 1: really anger issues, but I also know he eats fast 1003 00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:40,960 Speaker 1: food because it's like food's expensive and they can't go 1004 00:48:41,040 --> 00:48:42,759 Speaker 1: to whole foods like me all the time. And so 1005 00:48:43,440 --> 00:48:46,000 Speaker 1: and there's three of the three kids, so Mom's trying 1006 00:48:46,000 --> 00:48:47,960 Speaker 1: to feed all of them. But I know that that 1007 00:48:48,120 --> 00:48:51,040 Speaker 1: food is just feeding his anger and his you know. 1008 00:48:51,200 --> 00:48:55,000 Speaker 1: So it's super sad watching that knowing like, oh my god, 1009 00:48:55,040 --> 00:48:57,279 Speaker 1: the rest of the world, you know. Yeah, yeah, I 1010 00:48:57,320 --> 00:48:59,520 Speaker 1: mean that's a challenge, right, It's how can we make 1011 00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:03,799 Speaker 1: food affordable, accessible, healthy, taste my dietitians She's like, don't 1012 00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:07,879 Speaker 1: even get me started on like the food in cafeterias 1013 00:49:07,880 --> 00:49:10,120 Speaker 1: though for kids. For children, it's like, how do you 1014 00:49:10,120 --> 00:49:13,799 Speaker 1: expect them to work all day? And like I have energy? Yeah, 1015 00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:16,399 Speaker 1: Like I would come I remember now when I would 1016 00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:19,640 Speaker 1: come home from school nap every day. Bro, I'd nap. 1017 00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:22,240 Speaker 1: My mom be like it's dinner, wake up. I'm like, okay, 1018 00:49:23,320 --> 00:49:26,400 Speaker 1: no wonder. I was like she'll bey and depressed and 1019 00:49:26,560 --> 00:49:28,920 Speaker 1: sad like yeah, and it's hard again because it's all 1020 00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:31,400 Speaker 1: habits yeah. I was saying recently to someone like our 1021 00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:34,439 Speaker 1: biggest crisis is a crisis of habits. Yea. Our life 1022 00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:37,040 Speaker 1: is defined by habits. Yeah, and we've just adopted a 1023 00:49:37,120 --> 00:49:40,200 Speaker 1: ton of bad habits mentally, physically, emotionally, and now we 1024 00:49:40,320 --> 00:49:43,520 Speaker 1: keep repeating though. That's what growing up is breaking. All 1025 00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:47,120 Speaker 1: these dietitians like you have to am my therapist. It's 1026 00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:50,240 Speaker 1: like you have to rewire your whole brain. Yes, everything 1027 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:53,359 Speaker 1: you knew it's wrong. And I'm like, oh my god. 1028 00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:57,800 Speaker 1: And even poor mom, like she was even trying to 1029 00:49:57,920 --> 00:50:00,760 Speaker 1: help us, like we were that family. We're all chubby, 1030 00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:03,360 Speaker 1: and my mom was like, we're gonna do wait watcher snacks. 1031 00:50:03,480 --> 00:50:07,600 Speaker 1: But like back then, like it's still crap, Like it's 1032 00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:11,120 Speaker 1: still like what are you eating? And she tried, she 1033 00:50:11,280 --> 00:50:14,080 Speaker 1: tried to get all the low calorie orange juice, and 1034 00:50:14,160 --> 00:50:17,880 Speaker 1: we're like, it's the orange juice is the issue. But 1035 00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:21,239 Speaker 1: they tried. They're uneducated, they don't know. So my mom 1036 00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:23,200 Speaker 1: was just doing her very best. But when I look back, 1037 00:50:23,239 --> 00:50:25,919 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, I was eating boys in. Yeah, 1038 00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:30,839 Speaker 1: chocolate products a day, like I see chocolates every day, 1039 00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:34,919 Speaker 1: chocolate bar, chocolate yogurt, and a chocolate ice cream every 1040 00:50:35,040 --> 00:50:38,759 Speaker 1: single day you've had, yes, And it was amazing. It 1041 00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:42,880 Speaker 1: was amazing. It was like you know Boys and Girls Club. No, 1042 00:50:43,239 --> 00:50:45,359 Speaker 1: it's like a place where kids can go after school. Okay, 1043 00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:47,759 Speaker 1: we have it on Nantucket and we had our little 1044 00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:52,240 Speaker 1: snack thing we had. I had cheese. It's Reeese's blue powerade. 1045 00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:56,160 Speaker 1: Every day. Oh my god, horrific. Yea, after school, I 1046 00:50:56,280 --> 00:50:59,200 Speaker 1: go eat that and then play. Yeah, and that's where 1047 00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:03,279 Speaker 1: and the ages. My wife had to powerfully train me 1048 00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:05,320 Speaker 1: out of my addiction to chocolate. And I know that 1049 00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:07,520 Speaker 1: sounds so like, no, I need to do that. I 1050 00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:09,800 Speaker 1: was literally addicted to sugar. He's addicted to sugar. I 1051 00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:12,360 Speaker 1: was addicted to sugar and my wife had to completely 1052 00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:14,560 Speaker 1: train me out of it. And it's been an amazing 1053 00:51:14,680 --> 00:51:17,399 Speaker 1: journey for me because it sounds like a sugar who cares. 1054 00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:20,560 Speaker 1: It's like sugars non get really bad. But yeah, it's 1055 00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:22,960 Speaker 1: like sugar is like the one that everyone gets away with. Yeah, 1056 00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:25,560 Speaker 1: like people like when someone gets sober from alcohol and drugs. 1057 00:51:25,600 --> 00:51:27,960 Speaker 1: We're like my brother, he's like, I'm love sugar. I'm 1058 00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:31,160 Speaker 1: like careful, but depending on sugar for so many years 1059 00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:32,759 Speaker 1: and it took ages to get off of it, and 1060 00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:34,879 Speaker 1: even now I found I'm now at the other side, 1061 00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:37,799 Speaker 1: which is really beautiful, where now even when my mind 1062 00:51:37,880 --> 00:51:41,279 Speaker 1: still tricks me into wanting really unhealthy food, when I 1063 00:51:41,400 --> 00:51:43,520 Speaker 1: have it, I actually don't enjoy it. Oh and you 1064 00:51:43,560 --> 00:51:46,400 Speaker 1: get sick, yes, yeah, I notice anytime I cheat now 1065 00:51:46,480 --> 00:51:48,879 Speaker 1: I get ill. And I'm like, like when you drink 1066 00:51:48,920 --> 00:51:51,239 Speaker 1: a bunch of booze and you're like again, it's like that, 1067 00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:53,680 Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, this is poison. I forgot. Yeah, 1068 00:51:53,760 --> 00:51:56,560 Speaker 1: and you have to remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 1069 00:51:56,960 --> 00:51:59,040 Speaker 1: tell me about you're you're in such a and you've 1070 00:51:59,040 --> 00:52:01,240 Speaker 1: spoken about this into you already. You're in a healthy 1071 00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:03,840 Speaker 1: relationship now, you know, and you have been for a 1072 00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:09,319 Speaker 1: long period of time obviously with Darryl with food, and yeah, 1073 00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:12,440 Speaker 1: I got lucky, and I'm so grateful I got to 1074 00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:15,160 Speaker 1: me Daryld today because it's always funny and yeah, it's amazing. 1075 00:52:15,640 --> 00:52:18,239 Speaker 1: How did you know that that was how you were 1076 00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:20,200 Speaker 1: meant to be treated? Because I think so many people 1077 00:52:20,239 --> 00:52:23,799 Speaker 1: get into a pattern of accepting a certain level of treating. Yeah. 1078 00:52:24,080 --> 00:52:28,239 Speaker 1: I always I figured like because of like relationships I've 1079 00:52:28,239 --> 00:52:29,920 Speaker 1: seen in my family, and like she'll deal with it 1080 00:52:30,040 --> 00:52:33,680 Speaker 1: and I'll just train him to be better. And when 1081 00:52:33,719 --> 00:52:37,440 Speaker 1: I met Darryl, he still to this day like opens 1082 00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:40,399 Speaker 1: every door, drives me wherever I need to go because 1083 00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:43,400 Speaker 1: he knows I'm scared to drive, takes care of me. 1084 00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:45,800 Speaker 1: No one's ever taken care of me like that except 1085 00:52:45,840 --> 00:52:48,400 Speaker 1: my parents, and he says, I'll take care of you 1086 00:52:48,560 --> 00:52:50,640 Speaker 1: so to this day. And that's when I was like, 1087 00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:52,640 Speaker 1: oh my god, I want to only be with you 1088 00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:54,360 Speaker 1: for the rest of my life. I want to be 1089 00:52:54,400 --> 00:52:56,040 Speaker 1: one hundred and five and die next to you while 1090 00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:59,200 Speaker 1: holding your hand. And it's taught me how to care 1091 00:52:59,239 --> 00:53:03,799 Speaker 1: for someone and and love them like that. But yeah, 1092 00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:07,520 Speaker 1: it was like the chivalry, whatever it's called it. It 1093 00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:11,799 Speaker 1: was the kindness and the simple things of opening doors 1094 00:53:11,840 --> 00:53:14,160 Speaker 1: and making sure I was okay. And he came on 1095 00:53:14,239 --> 00:53:16,440 Speaker 1: tour day eleven. After day six when we said I 1096 00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:18,279 Speaker 1: love you. Day eleven, I was like, I have to 1097 00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:21,239 Speaker 1: do a tour now, would you like to come with me? 1098 00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:22,840 Speaker 1: And he was like, well, I got nothing else to do. 1099 00:53:23,920 --> 00:53:25,919 Speaker 1: And he stayed on my bus and did the whole 1100 00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:28,360 Speaker 1: tour with me, and after every show he caught me 1101 00:53:28,480 --> 00:53:32,800 Speaker 1: off stage. He would carry me to the little golf 1102 00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:35,200 Speaker 1: cart and he would help me take my wig off 1103 00:53:35,239 --> 00:53:38,720 Speaker 1: and he massaged my feet. Like month one meeting this person, 1104 00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:40,600 Speaker 1: and I was like, you're gonna take care of me forever. 1105 00:53:41,520 --> 00:53:43,560 Speaker 1: And he went through me when I had vocal surgery, 1106 00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:45,680 Speaker 1: Like four months of dating, I had vocal surgery. I 1107 00:53:45,719 --> 00:53:48,360 Speaker 1: couldn't talk, I couldn't say I love you back. I 1108 00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:52,239 Speaker 1: was mute for months and he still loved me. The 1109 00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:55,320 Speaker 1: way he treated me through my pregnancy was insane, just 1110 00:53:55,520 --> 00:53:57,680 Speaker 1: like and it makes me like as much as I 1111 00:53:57,800 --> 00:54:00,439 Speaker 1: tell the world like hey be a mentall to ask 1112 00:54:00,480 --> 00:54:02,799 Speaker 1: for help, I also want to say, hey, don't set off, 1113 00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:04,719 Speaker 1: you know, because there's a guy out there that will 1114 00:54:05,280 --> 00:54:08,759 Speaker 1: rub your nasty feet after a two hour show and 1115 00:54:08,920 --> 00:54:12,000 Speaker 1: will worship the ground you walk on. They exist, and 1116 00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:13,719 Speaker 1: I know it's hard in La to find him, but 1117 00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:16,000 Speaker 1: I found him, and if I can find him, you 1118 00:54:16,080 --> 00:54:19,160 Speaker 1: can find them, you know, Like they are real and 1119 00:54:19,280 --> 00:54:21,560 Speaker 1: it's the people you want to procreate with. But he 1120 00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:24,319 Speaker 1: never saw himself as a father because his father left 1121 00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,719 Speaker 1: their family when he was one years old. So he 1122 00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:28,279 Speaker 1: was like, I'm gonna be a dad. I don't know 1123 00:54:28,280 --> 00:54:30,600 Speaker 1: what dad is. He saw me and was like I 1124 00:54:30,760 --> 00:54:33,239 Speaker 1: want babies with you, like I want to procrate. I 1125 00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:34,920 Speaker 1: want to make more of us, and I was like, 1126 00:54:35,239 --> 00:54:39,040 Speaker 1: we should make more of us. It's like that's I 1127 00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:40,840 Speaker 1: think that's when they're like, you know when you know 1128 00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:43,960 Speaker 1: that whole thing is like, oh, I want forever and 1129 00:54:44,120 --> 00:54:47,120 Speaker 1: I want more abuse. I want to make more abuse. Yeah, 1130 00:54:48,920 --> 00:54:50,719 Speaker 1: I figured out where did you get to a point 1131 00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:53,279 Speaker 1: where it was like it sounds like you were in 1132 00:54:53,400 --> 00:54:57,040 Speaker 1: you early as using your body as a way of validation. Yeah, 1133 00:54:57,200 --> 00:55:00,439 Speaker 1: like when or where are you now at in terms 1134 00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:03,160 Speaker 1: of validating yourself? Like where are you looking for your 1135 00:55:03,239 --> 00:55:06,399 Speaker 1: validation from now? Where is it coming from? At this point, 1136 00:55:07,160 --> 00:55:10,520 Speaker 1: I'm still super hard on my body, Like I've lost 1137 00:55:10,560 --> 00:55:12,480 Speaker 1: all this weight and I still feel exactly the same. 1138 00:55:13,160 --> 00:55:15,800 Speaker 1: I'm still like, ah, I can't wear shorts or I 1139 00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:19,560 Speaker 1: can't wear sleeveless things, and my husband catches me and 1140 00:55:20,080 --> 00:55:22,080 Speaker 1: it's like you've been so mean to yourself. Look how 1141 00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:25,440 Speaker 1: gorgeous you are. And it's a thing you have to work. 1142 00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:28,239 Speaker 1: I have to reprogram my brain to be like, no, 1143 00:55:28,600 --> 00:55:30,239 Speaker 1: I look good today. And the only thing that I 1144 00:55:30,280 --> 00:55:32,560 Speaker 1: saw actually make a difference, which I truth lishally don't 1145 00:55:32,600 --> 00:55:36,040 Speaker 1: do is because I gotta do it more because it's 1146 00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:38,680 Speaker 1: so hard. My therapist told me, stand in the mirror 1147 00:55:39,480 --> 00:55:42,040 Speaker 1: naked for five minutes, put a time around, and just 1148 00:55:42,160 --> 00:55:44,920 Speaker 1: look at yourself. Day one, I was literally shaking because 1149 00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:47,239 Speaker 1: I was like, like, it was already tough for me 1150 00:55:47,360 --> 00:55:49,520 Speaker 1: to love my body. But after the C section scar 1151 00:55:50,040 --> 00:55:52,680 Speaker 1: with all the stretch marks, my family's like smothered in 1152 00:55:52,800 --> 00:55:55,160 Speaker 1: stretch marks, like it's genetics. So I'm gonna get it. 1153 00:55:55,600 --> 00:55:58,320 Speaker 1: Got it. So the stretch marks go up, the C 1154 00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:02,400 Speaker 1: section goes across. Now I'm on myself like a lawnmower 1155 00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:05,279 Speaker 1: ran over me, like I've been hacked and so and 1156 00:56:05,360 --> 00:56:07,960 Speaker 1: there's no fix in that. So I was like staring 1157 00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:10,640 Speaker 1: at that, like oh and all that trauma that comes 1158 00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:12,680 Speaker 1: with it. But after and I was just looking at 1159 00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:15,520 Speaker 1: the clock like please be done. But day three, when 1160 00:56:15,520 --> 00:56:17,560 Speaker 1: I did it, I was like, you know what, her 1161 00:56:17,600 --> 00:56:20,520 Speaker 1: thighs are cute? You know. I started complimenting her, and 1162 00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:22,960 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I see my brain changing already, 1163 00:56:23,600 --> 00:56:25,279 Speaker 1: And if I did it more, I'd probably be better 1164 00:56:25,320 --> 00:56:27,560 Speaker 1: at it. But like our bathroom, we have a giant 1165 00:56:27,640 --> 00:56:29,919 Speaker 1: mirror in it. So when I when I get naked 1166 00:56:29,960 --> 00:56:32,200 Speaker 1: every day, I see it and I think that helps 1167 00:56:32,560 --> 00:56:35,960 Speaker 1: my mom like avoids mirrors and avoids she doesn't want 1168 00:56:35,960 --> 00:56:38,560 Speaker 1: to like have my my father be anywhere near the 1169 00:56:38,600 --> 00:56:40,799 Speaker 1: shower when she's in it. I'm like, oh my god, 1170 00:56:40,800 --> 00:56:42,400 Speaker 1: I used to shower with dary Are Like what, Like 1171 00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:46,080 Speaker 1: she's very hot, And I think that's what keeps her insecurity. 1172 00:56:46,120 --> 00:56:49,080 Speaker 1: Is stuck there. You know, you have to like literally 1173 00:56:50,000 --> 00:56:54,120 Speaker 1: get naked and start looking at yourself because like this 1174 00:56:54,320 --> 00:56:57,440 Speaker 1: is our shell, you know, this is our our body, 1175 00:56:57,560 --> 00:56:59,239 Speaker 1: this is it is what we got, so like let's 1176 00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:01,439 Speaker 1: treat it well. Yeah, And I think that's the idea 1177 00:57:01,560 --> 00:57:04,160 Speaker 1: that if we can't look in the mirror and say 1178 00:57:04,160 --> 00:57:07,000 Speaker 1: I'm happy with what I see today, yeah, it's really 1179 00:57:07,080 --> 00:57:09,439 Speaker 1: hard to think tomorrow you're gonna wake up and say 1180 00:57:09,880 --> 00:57:12,480 Speaker 1: I feel really happy with what I see tomorrow. In 1181 00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:14,719 Speaker 1: a sense of even if you've changed, whether you lose 1182 00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:17,640 Speaker 1: weight or gain weight, whatever you're trying to do, if 1183 00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:19,560 Speaker 1: you're not happy with where you are now, it's never 1184 00:57:19,640 --> 00:57:22,280 Speaker 1: going to feel different. On the other side, it's like 1185 00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:25,520 Speaker 1: because that's just a repetitive pattern. Yeah, when people are like, 1186 00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:27,640 Speaker 1: how are you so confident in love yourself, I'm like, oh, 1187 00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:29,600 Speaker 1: I'm working on it every day. Yeah, exactly. I wrote 1188 00:57:29,640 --> 00:57:31,720 Speaker 1: a song called working on It, which is why our 1189 00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:33,920 Speaker 1: podcast is that, because it's about when you go to 1190 00:57:34,040 --> 00:57:37,360 Speaker 1: compliment and you're like you like befole, You're like shut up, you, 1191 00:57:37,520 --> 00:57:39,760 Speaker 1: I'm disgusting. It's like, whoa, I'm gonna work on not 1192 00:57:40,000 --> 00:57:43,280 Speaker 1: doing that and go thank you. Yeah, and like try 1193 00:57:43,360 --> 00:57:46,280 Speaker 1: to believe what they're saying. You're not saying it, They're 1194 00:57:46,320 --> 00:57:50,080 Speaker 1: not lying, you know. Yeah. When I was a monk, 1195 00:57:50,160 --> 00:57:52,360 Speaker 1: we got trained beautifully and how to receive compliments. It 1196 00:57:52,480 --> 00:57:55,120 Speaker 1: was like a big podcast thing. Ever, Yeah, and it was, 1197 00:57:55,160 --> 00:57:57,120 Speaker 1: but it was taught to us so wonderfully. The first 1198 00:57:57,120 --> 00:58:00,840 Speaker 1: thing was always to receive from the other person. So 1199 00:58:00,960 --> 00:58:03,280 Speaker 1: what you just said like thanking the other person, because 1200 00:58:03,600 --> 00:58:06,760 Speaker 1: what you're doing is you're rewarding them from noticing something good. 1201 00:58:07,240 --> 00:58:09,080 Speaker 1: So you get an opportunity to say, wow, like they're 1202 00:58:09,160 --> 00:58:11,280 Speaker 1: noticing something good. Whether it's in me or not, it 1203 00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:13,640 Speaker 1: doesn't matter for now. For now, it's just we should 1204 00:58:14,080 --> 00:58:18,040 Speaker 1: really acknowledge someone who decided to compliment you versus criticize you. 1205 00:58:18,360 --> 00:58:21,919 Speaker 1: The second step. The second step was, now that you've 1206 00:58:21,960 --> 00:58:25,120 Speaker 1: done that, think about who gave you that quality, Think 1207 00:58:25,120 --> 00:58:26,640 Speaker 1: about how you learned it, Did you get it from 1208 00:58:26,680 --> 00:58:29,520 Speaker 1: your parents, did you get it from your teachers? Who 1209 00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:32,280 Speaker 1: was it in your life that gave you that gift? 1210 00:58:32,880 --> 00:58:35,360 Speaker 1: And now you get to turn that compliment into gratitude 1211 00:58:35,400 --> 00:58:38,120 Speaker 1: and you get to thank that person. So internally, when 1212 00:58:38,120 --> 00:58:40,320 Speaker 1: you when you receive a thank you, not only do 1213 00:58:40,360 --> 00:58:41,880 Speaker 1: you get to receive it, you now get to thank 1214 00:58:41,960 --> 00:58:44,800 Speaker 1: someone else and pass that gratitude on. And it's just 1215 00:58:44,960 --> 00:58:48,520 Speaker 1: this beautiful process of compliments to gratitude, which we know 1216 00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:51,000 Speaker 1: are great for the brain. And it's all good. And 1217 00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:52,960 Speaker 1: so yeah, I love that you brought that up. It's 1218 00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:57,080 Speaker 1: really special. I love it. This has been even more 1219 00:58:57,120 --> 00:59:00,120 Speaker 1: than I expected. Yes, this has been thank you. I 1220 00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,000 Speaker 1: knew it's gonna be fun, but it's like we've done 1221 00:59:02,040 --> 00:59:04,280 Speaker 1: this beautiful thing where like we've gone really deep and 1222 00:59:04,360 --> 00:59:07,080 Speaker 1: then you're just hilarious and then and then adorable and 1223 00:59:07,160 --> 00:59:10,320 Speaker 1: then really deep and then hilarious, and I'm like, you've 1224 00:59:10,320 --> 00:59:14,040 Speaker 1: been playing with my emotions that in the most beautiful way. 1225 00:59:14,600 --> 00:59:17,320 Speaker 1: We end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. 1226 00:59:17,640 --> 00:59:20,840 Speaker 1: So this is the rapid fire to answer in one 1227 00:59:20,920 --> 00:59:24,320 Speaker 1: word to one sentence maximum. I'm so bad at that. Okay, 1228 00:59:25,760 --> 00:59:27,680 Speaker 1: we'll probably go off piece because you're so interesting that 1229 00:59:27,680 --> 00:59:30,760 Speaker 1: I'm gonna be like, oh, tell me more so yeah, yeah, anyway, 1230 00:59:30,760 --> 00:59:33,360 Speaker 1: we'll start, all right. Question number one, what is the 1231 00:59:33,440 --> 00:59:35,520 Speaker 1: number one thing you're working on in your relationship? And 1232 00:59:35,600 --> 00:59:40,360 Speaker 1: what's the number one thing Daryl's working on? Understanding his feelings? 1233 00:59:41,040 --> 00:59:43,640 Speaker 1: That sounds good. The boy can feel. He's got a 1234 00:59:43,760 --> 00:59:47,120 Speaker 1: lot of feelings. And I'm like doctor Phil Tammy, perception 1235 00:59:47,240 --> 00:59:51,160 Speaker 1: is reality. So even though it seems like he's being irrational, yeah, 1236 00:59:51,200 --> 00:59:53,840 Speaker 1: because he is. I have to realize, like, oh, he's 1237 00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:56,560 Speaker 1: in that moment right now, and I have to take 1238 00:59:56,640 --> 00:59:59,320 Speaker 1: care of him as if that's real and then pull 1239 00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:01,480 Speaker 1: him out of it. I always do. I love that, 1240 01:00:01,560 --> 01:00:06,120 Speaker 1: And what's he trying to do for you? That's like 1241 01:00:06,440 --> 01:00:09,040 Speaker 1: the toughest part for us because I'm so I'm sorry, 1242 01:00:09,040 --> 01:00:12,000 Speaker 1: I'm using so many words, but I'm so Massachusetts, like 1243 01:00:12,160 --> 01:00:15,760 Speaker 1: sack up, bro, Like I'm raised by brothers, Like why 1244 01:00:15,800 --> 01:00:18,320 Speaker 1: are you so emotional? Why are you crying? And he's like, oh, 1245 01:00:18,720 --> 01:00:26,760 Speaker 1: you know, so he's trying to communicate better, yea, his 1246 01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:32,280 Speaker 1: feelings to me and trying to Yeah, I guess ask him. 1247 01:00:32,360 --> 01:00:35,120 Speaker 1: He'll tell you to ask him. It's that it's the 1248 01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:39,840 Speaker 1: very I'm cold and he's soft. Ye, but it works, man, 1249 01:00:39,920 --> 01:00:43,880 Speaker 1: it works. Question number two, what is your daily routine 1250 01:00:43,960 --> 01:00:48,160 Speaker 1: for your anxiety today? My husband transcendental meditations every day. 1251 01:00:48,360 --> 01:00:50,880 Speaker 1: That's not how I say, but twenty minutes morning and night. 1252 01:00:51,200 --> 01:00:55,080 Speaker 1: I do that sometimes, especially when I need it. Today, 1253 01:00:58,040 --> 01:01:01,520 Speaker 1: I'm gonna, oh I therapy today at four pm. We 1254 01:01:01,680 --> 01:01:04,120 Speaker 1: love and I'm gonna try to work out. I love that. 1255 01:01:04,640 --> 01:01:08,240 Speaker 1: That's beautiful. There's nice and simple. Yeah, easy, all right. 1256 01:01:08,520 --> 01:01:10,880 Speaker 1: Question number three, what's the best advice you've ever received? 1257 01:01:11,480 --> 01:01:14,600 Speaker 1: Life will get better if you let it from my father? Nice? 1258 01:01:14,840 --> 01:01:17,280 Speaker 1: Question number four, what's the worst advice you've ever received? 1259 01:01:17,640 --> 01:01:19,200 Speaker 1: I mean, this isn't the worst advice. I can't think 1260 01:01:19,200 --> 01:01:20,560 Speaker 1: of anything. But you know what we got a lot 1261 01:01:20,600 --> 01:01:22,200 Speaker 1: of when we were getting married and when we were 1262 01:01:22,200 --> 01:01:26,200 Speaker 1: having babies. We would ask older couples like, that's the 1263 01:01:26,240 --> 01:01:28,920 Speaker 1: worst thing to do. We're like, how do you have 1264 01:01:29,040 --> 01:01:32,600 Speaker 1: a marriage so long? And the men would say son, 1265 01:01:32,800 --> 01:01:35,560 Speaker 1: surrender or just like keep your head down, and I 1266 01:01:35,680 --> 01:01:38,200 Speaker 1: was like, oh, well, don't do that. And then having 1267 01:01:38,240 --> 01:01:40,360 Speaker 1: babies they'd be like, wow, your life's over now and 1268 01:01:40,400 --> 01:01:42,360 Speaker 1: now it's theirs and I'm like, that's not in my life. 1269 01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:46,200 Speaker 1: It's just begun. Yeah, so we hated that advice definitely. 1270 01:01:46,280 --> 01:01:48,040 Speaker 1: That's I'm glad you shared that. It can be really 1271 01:01:48,080 --> 01:01:50,280 Speaker 1: it can be so literally opposite. Yeah, it's it can 1272 01:01:50,320 --> 01:01:54,160 Speaker 1: be really really detrimental. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that when 1273 01:01:54,200 --> 01:01:56,760 Speaker 1: I when I left the monastery and I decided to 1274 01:01:56,800 --> 01:01:59,160 Speaker 1: start doing what I do today, and I was was 1275 01:01:59,320 --> 01:02:02,000 Speaker 1: my biggest fear internally was that I wouldn't be able 1276 01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:04,040 Speaker 1: to serve in the way I wanted to serve. And 1277 01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:06,080 Speaker 1: everyone's just like, oh, now you can't. You're gonna get 1278 01:02:06,120 --> 01:02:08,280 Speaker 1: a real job, You're gonna get married, like said, You're 1279 01:02:08,280 --> 01:02:10,760 Speaker 1: not gonna serve the world anymore. And I was just like, 1280 01:02:11,040 --> 01:02:12,320 Speaker 1: you know, now I look back and I'm like, I'm 1281 01:02:12,360 --> 01:02:14,320 Speaker 1: so glad I didn't accept that. Yeah. And same with 1282 01:02:14,360 --> 01:02:15,680 Speaker 1: when I got married. Everyone was like, oh, you're gonna 1283 01:02:15,680 --> 01:02:17,680 Speaker 1: have less time to do impact in the work in 1284 01:02:17,720 --> 01:02:19,000 Speaker 1: the world, and I was like, you're gonna have a 1285 01:02:19,040 --> 01:02:21,080 Speaker 1: partner now to help you with it exactly. Yeah. No, 1286 01:02:21,280 --> 01:02:23,240 Speaker 1: I'm glad you raised that all right. Fifteen final question, 1287 01:02:23,560 --> 01:02:25,840 Speaker 1: If you could create one law that everyone in the 1288 01:02:25,880 --> 01:02:29,160 Speaker 1: world had to follow, what would it be You cannot 1289 01:02:29,560 --> 01:02:34,280 Speaker 1: bully online. No, I actually like that's a great law. Yeah, 1290 01:02:34,320 --> 01:02:36,680 Speaker 1: we've never had a comments. We've never had a va 1291 01:02:36,880 --> 01:02:39,680 Speaker 1: imagine it was all positive comments. Oh yeah, my Instagram's 1292 01:02:39,720 --> 01:02:44,240 Speaker 1: pretty positive. But I'm like, this is great. When they're like, 1293 01:02:44,320 --> 01:02:46,960 Speaker 1: do you read comments, I'm like yeah, because they're nice sometimes, 1294 01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:51,000 Speaker 1: Like I need that a little commentables everyone, Megan Trainer. 1295 01:02:51,160 --> 01:02:55,760 Speaker 1: The new album is arriving October twenty first, twenty twenty two. 1296 01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:58,520 Speaker 1: Very very pumped to get to know you better, to 1297 01:02:58,680 --> 01:03:04,200 Speaker 1: deepen our relationship, deep enough friendships, meditate, um and just yeah, 1298 01:03:04,320 --> 01:03:08,360 Speaker 1: genuinely so so in awe of the journey you've been on, 1299 01:03:08,560 --> 01:03:10,920 Speaker 1: the steps you've taken, and how you're passing that on 1300 01:03:10,960 --> 01:03:13,280 Speaker 1: to everyone else. It's really powerful. So thank you so 1301 01:03:13,400 --> 01:03:15,440 Speaker 1: much for doing that. Thanks love it