WEBVTT - The Science of Break-Ups 0:00:01.120 --> 0:00:04.560 Welcome to Stuff you Should Know from how Stuff Works 0:00:04.600 --> 0:00:13.720 dot Com. Hey, and welcome to the podcast. I'm Josh Clark. 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:17.880 There's Charles w Chuck Bryan over there, there's Jerry Rush 0:00:17.960 --> 0:00:21.959 Rush Rush, Jerry. This is Stuff you Should Know. The 0:00:22.079 --> 0:00:26.720 Breakup edition, right, three people who you've never broken up 0:00:26.720 --> 0:00:30.680 with one another? No, that's true, The Plus three Great 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:37.400 Point Modern Triad. Yeah, the Tryad. So Hey, before we 0:00:37.440 --> 0:00:40.199 get going, we want to tell everyone alright, at the 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:44.280 end of this episode and before listener mail, actually instead 0:00:44.280 --> 0:00:46.560 of listener mail, we're gonna have in a couple of 0:00:46.680 --> 0:00:50.160 dudes from new show on our network and they're gonna 0:00:50.200 --> 0:00:53.680 break up in front of us. No. There shows called 0:00:53.680 --> 0:00:56.800 how to Money, and these guys are local and they 0:00:57.040 --> 0:00:59.560 were big Stuff you should Know listeners, Matt and Joel, 0:01:00.120 --> 0:01:02.320 and they were like, we want to start a podcast 0:01:02.320 --> 0:01:06.600 about finance and money matters in life that's sort of 0:01:06.640 --> 0:01:09.240 like what you guys do, that's approachable and real and 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:13.400 just like a couple of people talking normal but about money. Yeah, 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:15.640 and it's really really good. Yeah. So we're gonna have 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:17.679 those guys on at the end for a few minutes. 0:01:18.160 --> 0:01:19.800 But it's a show I think everyone would love, so 0:01:20.400 --> 0:01:23.160 stick around for that. Cool. Uh. So I picked this 0:01:23.200 --> 0:01:27.520 one out because mainly, um it, uh, this is a refrain. 0:01:27.560 --> 0:01:29.600 We get an email a lot um we hear from 0:01:29.720 --> 0:01:33.120 heartbroken people a lot more than you would think that 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:37.240 are just like that's so sad heart and you uh, 0:01:37.360 --> 0:01:40.360 you guys have helped me with this show as a distraction, 0:01:40.400 --> 0:01:43.040 which we will learn is one of the official ways 0:01:43.120 --> 0:01:46.200 to get over a breakup. Yeah, look over here, Yeah exactly. 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:50.240 Um So it just got me thinking about, like, is 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:54.400 there any science behind breakups and the emotions that go 0:01:54.480 --> 0:01:57.160 along with it? And it turns out there's a lot, 0:01:57.920 --> 0:02:01.600 like a disturbing amount of study has been done. When 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:04.080 you look at it, you're like, oh man, maybe you 0:02:04.080 --> 0:02:07.360 should have allocated that money towards research toward other things 0:02:07.640 --> 0:02:12.240 like cancer. Yeah, although social psychology couldn't do anything about cancer. No, 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:14.440 And it's you know, it's not like they're like, oh, well, 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:17.360 we'll just it's all taken from one big pool, so 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:21.880 we'll just allocate some of this break up money towards 0:02:21.960 --> 0:02:26.600 cancer research. Well, you could allocate the money, but the 0:02:27.120 --> 0:02:30.799 mental energy, I guess is what I'm talking about. Yeah, 0:02:30.840 --> 0:02:33.280 but this that was just it seemed like study after study, 0:02:33.360 --> 0:02:38.560 and and also we should point out to that I 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:40.560 think there was one case in here of one study 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:44.200 where they looked at homosexual couples, But most of this 0:02:44.320 --> 0:02:50.639 study is like cis gendered straight couples through that lens, 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:53.480 only they're not doing a ton of research outside that. 0:02:53.800 --> 0:02:57.919 I found. I found one that UM that that tracks 0:02:58.280 --> 0:03:02.600 um it core relates the likelihood of breaking up to time, 0:03:02.840 --> 0:03:06.000 and they had it broken out by same sex and 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:11.480 um straight, married, and unmarried. Those were like the four categories. 0:03:12.080 --> 0:03:14.560 So some people are doing it, but yeah, for the 0:03:14.600 --> 0:03:16.960 most part now. And I think one of the reasons 0:03:17.000 --> 0:03:19.560 why I chuck is a lot of this is from 0:03:19.560 --> 0:03:24.000 the mid two thousand's, early two thousand tens, and that 0:03:24.120 --> 0:03:28.040 was you know, that was about the last the last, 0:03:28.360 --> 0:03:30.960 like the tail end of that. Now I think it's 0:03:30.960 --> 0:03:36.800 starting to change, fortunately, right because people of all genders 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:40.520 and sexual orientation break up and get dumped, and we're 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:44.560 here to help all of you. So buckle in, grab 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:47.960 a hanky, and let's get through this. Yeah, I mean, 0:03:48.080 --> 0:03:49.680 let's we should go ahead and start out by saying 0:03:49.720 --> 0:03:52.920 I guess that um in theory, more people are breaking 0:03:53.000 --> 0:03:56.320 up now because people are generally waiting longer to get married. 0:03:57.000 --> 0:03:59.720 So if you could extrapolate that if you're not married 0:03:59.760 --> 0:04:02.880 for in more years than let's say our parents were, 0:04:03.680 --> 0:04:05.920 then maybe you've gone through a couple of more breakups 0:04:05.920 --> 0:04:07.800 along the way. Yeah, we should give a shout out 0:04:07.800 --> 0:04:12.200 to Kristen Conger of Unladylike Media congs who wrote this 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:15.760 article our old pal and she points out that that 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:19.760 typically means that you are going to find somebody who 0:04:19.800 --> 0:04:23.080 you work with rather than rushing into it. But it also, 0:04:23.240 --> 0:04:25.640 as she puts it, like leaves the window open longer 0:04:26.080 --> 0:04:29.960 for heartbreak to be dumped. One thing I saw, Chuck, 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:35.280 this is mind boggling to me. Of people, according to 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:39.960 this one study, um will be dumped in their lifetime, 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:43.920 will experience being a breakup in their lifetime? That means 0:04:45.080 --> 0:04:49.159 of humanity won't. That is, those are some interesting people 0:04:50.720 --> 0:04:53.320 have not had a breakup or been broken up with, 0:04:53.480 --> 0:04:57.240 will not in their lifetime just going to either never 0:04:57.360 --> 0:05:00.920 have a relationship or the first time they're going to 0:05:01.040 --> 0:05:03.520 hit it out of the park. But that doesn't mean 0:05:03.560 --> 0:05:08.040 like or settle. I've never been dumped. Yeah, like they'll 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:10.240 never have gone through a breakup, But I've been through 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:12.760 breakups I've done. I've been the dumper, right, I know 0:05:12.800 --> 0:05:15.040 what you're saying. No, I believe that they will not 0:05:15.240 --> 0:05:18.920 have experience a breakup in their lifetime. Either way, Well, 0:05:18.920 --> 0:05:21.800 that's great. That means say I met the person that 0:05:21.839 --> 0:05:24.840 they love when they're young, probably again. Or it means 0:05:24.880 --> 0:05:29.200 that they decided to live their life alone just fine, right, 0:05:29.920 --> 0:05:33.479 or or both they like I said, they decided to like, yeah, 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:36.640 I'm just gonna stick with this person. Yeah, I don't 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:38.360 want to. I want to be what. I don't want 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:41.960 to ruin my record, a spotless record. I think it's 0:05:42.120 --> 0:05:47.120 very interesting here that um supposedly and this is very 0:05:47.200 --> 0:05:51.440 hanky how they found this out about the spikes and 0:05:51.520 --> 0:05:56.080 breakups from like that's a Facebook data place. He doesn't count. 0:05:56.120 --> 0:05:59.800 Social psychology doesn't count. I agree, But it doesn't make 0:05:59.839 --> 0:06:01.200 a little bit of sense. And I could see this 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:06.480 being true that generally dumping someone or getting broken up 0:06:06.520 --> 0:06:09.159 with can happen on any day of the year, but 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:13.440 there are spikes in early December, in early March because 0:06:13.480 --> 0:06:17.320 of Christmas holidays, in spring break. Yeah, and technically you 0:06:17.360 --> 0:06:19.560 could see that being true. There has I'm sure it's 0:06:19.560 --> 0:06:21.520 true at least on Facebook and yeah, this is a 0:06:21.560 --> 0:06:24.960 pretty big day to pull. But it's like, that's so lazy. 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:27.200 It's lazy, but I could see it because it's it 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:29.560 makes a little bit of sense that you would not 0:06:29.600 --> 0:06:33.280 want to go through the holidays with someone that uh 0:06:33.800 --> 0:06:35.480 and you send a thing to. And this is important 0:06:35.520 --> 0:06:39.080 to point out, like when the breakup happens, when that 0:06:39.160 --> 0:06:43.600 talk or these days text message or phone call happens, 0:06:44.400 --> 0:06:49.880 that is the end of something for maybe both of you, 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:53.400 but definitely one of you. Yeah, sometimes most of the 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:56.000 time that that actual act of saying we're breaking up, 0:06:56.480 --> 0:06:58.960 that's at the end of many, many weeks or even 0:06:59.040 --> 0:07:02.680 months or even years of contemplation about whether or not 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:04.719 you want to still be with this person. Right, And 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:10.600 that's why being broken up with is almost across the 0:07:10.640 --> 0:07:15.320 board way harder than breaking up because by the time, 0:07:15.360 --> 0:07:17.720 like you said, by the time the person who initiates 0:07:17.760 --> 0:07:20.960 the breakup initiates the breakup, this is this is at 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:23.600 the end of a long road of decision making, whereas 0:07:23.640 --> 0:07:26.200 the other person might have been blissfully unaware or at 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:30.320 least willfully ignorant um or not willing to address the issues. 0:07:30.920 --> 0:07:34.760 And so they are one way or another largely caught 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:38.239 off guard by being broken up with. So the person 0:07:38.280 --> 0:07:40.400 who does the breaking up has already gone through all 0:07:40.400 --> 0:07:44.640 these stages of grief of separation, Whereas now it's this person, 0:07:44.720 --> 0:07:47.240 the person who's just been dumped, it's their time to 0:07:47.280 --> 0:07:49.760 go through. Right. So if you're if you're doing the dumping, 0:07:49.960 --> 0:07:53.800 like the hour after you have that conversation, you're like, 0:07:54.720 --> 0:07:57.200 what a relief, I'm I'm starting over. Let's go get 0:07:57.240 --> 0:08:00.160 some gin, whereas the dumpy is like that, goes get 0:08:00.200 --> 0:08:04.480 some jew. That begins, That begins their process. Although the 0:08:04.480 --> 0:08:06.280 only thing I'll take issue with that whole line of 0:08:06.320 --> 0:08:08.880 thought though, is that a lot of people, even that 0:08:08.960 --> 0:08:13.880 might get dumped, aren't like what like they may have 0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:16.760 known and just didn't want to admit it or weren't 0:08:16.760 --> 0:08:19.880 brave enough or strong enough to do it themselves. Um 0:08:19.920 --> 0:08:22.160 and I agree with you on that. I think that 0:08:22.280 --> 0:08:27.640 there's still a thread that they had not been preparing 0:08:27.680 --> 0:08:31.680 themselves just by being insane, denial, unwilling to address it, 0:08:32.040 --> 0:08:35.400 face it. Now they have no no choice but to 0:08:35.440 --> 0:08:38.800 face reality, whereas the person who did the breakup was 0:08:39.320 --> 0:08:42.120 like facing reality and coming to terms with it quietly 0:08:42.960 --> 0:08:45.880 and then now it's your right, which brings me back 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:49.800 to my original point, which is Christmas and spring break 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:52.960 make a little bit of sense because the person who 0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:55.400 was desperate to get out of a relationship and break 0:08:55.480 --> 0:08:59.080 up with somebody, they're staring at those Christmas holidays and 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:01.680 that first week of descend rolls around. They're like, I 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:04.600 gotta do this now because I don't want to travel 0:09:04.640 --> 0:09:06.200 a lot of time with this person and get through 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:08.679 the whole gift thing, and the holidays are just it's 0:09:08.679 --> 0:09:12.040 tough to be in a relationship that's a lie. Well sure, 0:09:12.080 --> 0:09:16.240 because I mean, holidays are so about like connecting and 0:09:16.320 --> 0:09:19.240 feeling and warmth and all that, and if you're faking 0:09:19.280 --> 0:09:21.640 it or have to fake it, you know, some people 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:24.880 are like, I'm not going through that. I also saw 0:09:24.960 --> 0:09:28.920 an explanation in Harper's Bizarre of All Places that some 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:31.720 people may do that because of the pressure of coming 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:35.440 up with a really good gift, that the relationship is 0:09:35.480 --> 0:09:38.360 not worth the pressure of coming up with a good 0:09:38.360 --> 0:09:41.079 gift outweighs the value of the relationship to those people. 0:09:41.640 --> 0:09:44.000 Or there are some people who don't want to put 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:47.800 their significant other through that, so they just break up proactively, 0:09:49.480 --> 0:09:52.480 which also means that they didn't value the relationship that 0:09:52.559 --> 0:09:54.679 much either, But at least in their mind, they're not 0:09:54.720 --> 0:09:57.000 doing it for themselves. They're doing it for the other 0:09:57.040 --> 0:09:59.079 person because they don't want to put the other person 0:09:59.120 --> 0:10:02.240 through that that sure of having to get the perfect gift. Yeah. 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:04.720 I've never had that thing either, where you start dating 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:07.480 someone and it's like a couple of weeks for their 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:11.800 birthday or Christmas, and you'r and then that pressure of like, man, 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:14.800 how do I play this one? You know, a couple 0:10:14.840 --> 0:10:18.600 of after a couple of weeks, yeah, this person? Or 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:21.560 but how do how deep do I go on this gift? Here? 0:10:21.720 --> 0:10:23.880 I don't really know you, So I got you a 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:28.920 basket of socks. Everyone loves socks. So here's an Amazon 0:10:29.000 --> 0:10:35.120 gift card forty eight fifty right after a couple of weeks. 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:37.760 That's a little that's a little close to come up 0:10:37.760 --> 0:10:40.480 with a perfect gift or even be expected to. And 0:10:40.520 --> 0:10:44.040 I did mention breaking up by text or whatever, like 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:48.000 you would suspect if you were born before nineteen five, 0:10:48.280 --> 0:10:53.520 like myself, Um, you break up in person supposedly about 0:10:53.559 --> 0:10:59.160 seventy at the time. Post if you were born less 0:10:59.160 --> 0:11:01.600 than fifty percent the time you're gonna do that in person? 0:11:02.120 --> 0:11:05.199 And they say generation? Why whatever that is? I think 0:11:05.200 --> 0:11:08.720 it's millennials, is it? I'm pretty sure when did they 0:11:08.800 --> 0:11:10.840 name them? The like? Do they know what? Like? Does 0:11:10.840 --> 0:11:12.880 my daughter have a generation already? I don't know like 0:11:12.920 --> 0:11:16.640 a name. I'm sure somebody out there is your daughter's generation. 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:20.400 You're annoying? No box her in right? Well, you got 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:23.400 a pigeonhole, folks. Let her grow up, be her own person. 0:11:24.040 --> 0:11:27.440 But if you are gen y, you're more likely to 0:11:27.480 --> 0:11:30.319 do it over the phone. Uh. And of course this 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:34.920 says a searing instant message or an email. I think 0:11:35.080 --> 0:11:37.160 these days you would call that a text. An email 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:43.160 is the lowest percent wise and compassion wise for four 0:11:43.600 --> 0:11:48.160 of people. That's the worst email. What was as pretty bad? 0:11:48.240 --> 0:11:50.360 Email is as bad as it gets? Is it? Sex 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:52.480 in the city? Where it was a sticky note? I 0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:57.280 don't remember, feel like I didn't see the movie Sticky Note? Break? 0:11:57.400 --> 0:12:01.480 I think? So, um, should we take a break? Yeah, 0:12:01.559 --> 0:12:03.880 let's take a break? Man. This is going really really 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:33.920 well so far? Okay, alright, Chuck, So we've talked about 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:39.560 when people break up, how they break up, why did 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:44.200 they break up? Well, actually, there's one more, Okay, I 0:12:44.200 --> 0:12:48.640 think pretty important thing about the how, which is men 0:12:48.679 --> 0:12:53.400 and women. Women tend to present And this sort of 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:56.600 makes sense too if you want to be stereotypically, you know, 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:01.679 stereotypical about it. Women to to present a list of grievances, 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:05.120 here's all the things wrong with you both pretty much, 0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:08.880 whereas men, uh, it's a little more uh supposedly a 0:13:08.920 --> 0:13:12.280 little more nebulous. Where the magic go. Yeah, there you go. 0:13:12.679 --> 0:13:16.000 That's apparently. The differences as far as like rationale for 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:19.200 breaking up and these are so macro level and broad 0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:22.439 and how we talk about it. It's a little embarrassing 0:13:22.559 --> 0:13:26.080 to even do. But to talk about this stuff, I 0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:28.480 know I would do this. Some women do this, right, No, 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:32.160 it's absolutely true. Um, that's but I feel like when 0:13:32.200 --> 0:13:34.680 you talk about this, people can find themselves in the 0:13:34.760 --> 0:13:37.520 contours of thinks of all if you put all this 0:13:37.600 --> 0:13:40.320 stuff together, if you just took one study and said 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:44.280 that this is definitive, people should punch you in the kidney. Agreed, 0:13:44.679 --> 0:13:48.160 but not really. Don't punch anybody. You know, everyone. Over 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:51.000 the last almost eleven years of stuff, you should know, 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:53.920 I've said a lot of things that make it sound 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:56.880 like I'm inciting people to violence, friendly violence. So I 0:13:56.920 --> 0:14:01.680 was joking every single time. Why someone said something, I 0:14:01.800 --> 0:14:04.080 just I just want to make sure that everyone knows 0:14:04.120 --> 0:14:08.920 that I was never ever actually serious and saying hit 0:14:09.000 --> 0:14:12.360 somebody in the head with attack camera or someone in 0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:17.000 the Actually, I'm kidding all the time, except for when 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:20.560 you recommend that you pants somebody, And I was kidding 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:23.680 even then. To have a classroom or that's psychological abuse. 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:27.680 It's physical, but it's more psychological than anything. You've ever 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:30.920 been pants in front of people? Yes? Really, yes, And 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:34.320 I can tell you it's psychological. I don't think I've 0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:39.960 ever been pants. Boy, I can't imagine anything more horrifying 0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:43.280 than being pants. What's underwear? On what? I can confirm 0:14:43.360 --> 0:14:47.680 that because I can't remember being pants. I just remember 0:14:47.720 --> 0:14:49.280 that I have been pants. So I think I just 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:53.760 immediately blocked out everything. Yeah, no story, no story there. 0:14:54.720 --> 0:15:00.280 Um okay. Uh So if you get broke en up 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:04.160 with um, you will feel And we're gonna talk about 0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:06.320 the science of a lot of this because it's very 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:10.720 similar to overcoming addictions sometimes but um, of course depression 0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:17.120 and anxiety, uh sometimes suicidal thoughts, sometimes homicide. Oh sure, 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:20.320 that's a that's an outcome and the worst case outcome 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:25.320 that and suicide of breakups. But they are directly related 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:29.800 to breakups. That's how bad breakups can be. Yeah. Uh 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:32.400 And apparently you know when people do right in about 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:35.760 getting dumped and stuff, always say, you know, it's the 0:15:35.800 --> 0:15:38.160 most trite thing in the world, but like time is 0:15:38.200 --> 0:15:41.280 the only thing that really helps, Like ice cream and 0:15:41.320 --> 0:15:44.440 stuff like that is good, but like it really does 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:49.640 decrease over time. However, in studies, um, eight weeks after 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:54.840 being dumped in this study, people still had signs of 0:15:54.880 --> 0:15:59.040 clinical depression, and twelve percent appeared moderately or severely depressed. 0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:02.360 So depends on the relationship along you're in it, how 0:16:02.440 --> 0:16:04.480 much it meant to you, what kind of person you are. 0:16:05.040 --> 0:16:07.760 But it can stick around for for a bit, it 0:16:07.880 --> 0:16:10.800 can so. Um. The thing is, though, there are things 0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:14.360 you can do to help accelerate the healing process, and 0:16:14.360 --> 0:16:16.360 we'll talk about those at the end. How about that. 0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:20.200 We'll make y'all wait, all right, So, um, where are 0:16:20.200 --> 0:16:23.600 we at, chucker? We at the the well the attachment styles. 0:16:23.640 --> 0:16:26.160 I think it is interesting because um, we did talk 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:30.920 about like gay straight cis gendered. Uh, you know, on 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:35.280 the gender spectrum, maybe none of that matters. Maybe what 0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:39.440 matters is what they call your attachment style. That's that's 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:42.360 what this says pretty plainly, that that's what it comes 0:16:42.360 --> 0:16:44.480 down to, how you attach yourselves to other people. You 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:47.360 can be a needy, clingy dude, You can be um 0:16:47.720 --> 0:16:51.680 a avoidant woman, or you can be either one of 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:54.040 those things anywhere on the gender spectrum. That's the thing. 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:56.800 Like the the idea that women are clinging men are 0:16:56.880 --> 0:17:03.280 distant is is fabled. Yeah, it's at least ham fisted. Yeah, 0:17:03.320 --> 0:17:06.159 I think so. It's it's sort of that thing in 0:17:06.320 --> 0:17:08.840 social science that bothers me, which is like you're either 0:17:08.960 --> 0:17:11.560 this or this right, like one thing or the other, 0:17:11.600 --> 0:17:13.639 and really all you are as a white college student, 0:17:13.680 --> 0:17:16.160 that's what they really mean. Yeah, we had a little 0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:19.359 time on their hands, right, you needed extra credit. But 0:17:19.440 --> 0:17:23.280 there are two supposedly again two things um attachment styles, 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:28.760 anxious attachment and avoidant. Congre points out like that's two 0:17:28.880 --> 0:17:31.960 ends of a spectrum, and you can fall somewhere on there. 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:37.359 There's actually a it's pretty straightforward. It's um uh the 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:41.080 oh oh I s I believe or O s I. 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:47.240 It's a scale where you pick how your relationship is 0:17:47.280 --> 0:17:51.040 best described by a series of ven diagrams, and one 0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:54.560 circles you. One circle is your significant other, and they're 0:17:54.600 --> 0:18:00.000 just increasingly together, from just barely touching too almost completely 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:03.719 merged into one single circle, and you just circle the 0:18:03.720 --> 0:18:06.399 one that best describes your your sense of what your 0:18:06.400 --> 0:18:11.520 relationships like, and that supposedly gets your your spectrum replacement 0:18:11.680 --> 0:18:14.840 on the spectrum of attachment across. So interesting, So it's 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:17.680 real subjective and self reported, so that is to say, 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:23.719 not scientific, right, Unfortunately, um, Supposedly two thirds of women 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:28.760 initiate divorces. Uh, and this article says that might give 0:18:28.800 --> 0:18:31.840 them a statistical edge over getting over a relationship because 0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:35.200 they initiated the breakup, so they've been in the process already. 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:38.560 Maybe that's what I think she meant. I think so, 0:18:38.720 --> 0:18:41.240 I'm just not so sure that just because a woman 0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:45.800 initiates a divorce, it may have been after years of 0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:50.840 systematic abuse, you know, which may not mean like she's 0:18:50.880 --> 0:18:53.919 so ready to get over this uh quicker than he 0:18:54.040 --> 0:18:56.960 might be, right, you know, Yeah, No, I mean you 0:18:57.000 --> 0:19:01.720 can't just say, like if X, then I with this stuff. 0:19:01.760 --> 0:19:06.440 It's relationships sir as messy as as humans get. It's 0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:11.199 a relationship. Yeah, that's all you need to say. Well, 0:19:11.240 --> 0:19:13.120 let's talk about the brain a little bit, because this 0:19:13.160 --> 0:19:15.200 is where it does get a little more interesting, I think, 0:19:16.280 --> 0:19:21.520 slightly god slightly more scientific. Uh. There was a study 0:19:21.560 --> 0:19:24.800 in two thousand eleven by neurologists at the Einstein College 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:28.480 of Medicine which sounded totally fake, but it's not. I 0:19:28.560 --> 0:19:32.080 have sounds made up for written down. It's in the bronx. Yeah, 0:19:32.119 --> 0:19:35.719 there's also they were also anthropologists from Rutgers and Sunny 0:19:35.760 --> 0:19:40.000 to legitimize things. Oh, in this study its Rutgers is 0:19:40.080 --> 0:19:45.680 legitimizing things. We're in trouble. Is that? Is that? Really? 0:19:46.040 --> 0:19:48.240 I thought Rutgers was all right? Or am I confusing 0:19:48.240 --> 0:19:52.160 it with toughs Ah, you're probably thinking Princeton, Okay, both 0:19:52.160 --> 0:19:54.959 in New Jersey schools. I thought Rutgers was the public 0:19:55.000 --> 0:20:02.520 ivy Okay, sorry, Rutgers I tried. Then they're gonna be 0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:04.880 so mad at me. I've hung out at Rutgers. I've 0:20:04.880 --> 0:20:06.760 been there people, so you know what you're talking about. 0:20:06.760 --> 0:20:09.119 And exactly what is it like the Detroit of New 0:20:09.200 --> 0:20:14.400 Jersey colleges or something that's not untrue? Okay? All right, 0:20:15.320 --> 0:20:19.879 he don't disagree. Boy, we're gonna get killed. That's okay. 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:22.600 So this study from Einstein College of Medicine found that 0:20:23.240 --> 0:20:28.520 just looking at a photograph of an ex partner caused um, 0:20:28.640 --> 0:20:34.240 the second somo somato sensory cortex and the dorsal dorsal 0:20:34.320 --> 0:20:40.200 posterior insula. Jeez uh. And these areas process physical discomfort. 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:42.800 They start lighting up. The same thing as happens is 0:20:42.840 --> 0:20:47.520 when you get physically injured, basically like you are in actual, 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:50.879 legitimate pain as far as your brain is concerned, in 0:20:50.920 --> 0:20:53.920 the midst of a breakup, at least when you're stuck 0:20:53.920 --> 0:20:55.679 in an m r I machine and showing a picture 0:20:55.720 --> 0:20:58.480 of your recent acts, which is a big deal now 0:20:58.520 --> 0:21:03.040 with social media, because every modern article I read about 0:21:03.080 --> 0:21:07.560 breakups and getting over them talked about what a deletrious 0:21:07.600 --> 0:21:11.200 effect social media will have on your recovery process. Are 0:21:11.200 --> 0:21:15.560 you taunting me? Because the stuffs everywhere? Now. It used 0:21:15.560 --> 0:21:18.320 to be easy. You could just throw everything in a 0:21:18.359 --> 0:21:21.639 shoe box and set it on set it on fire, 0:21:22.040 --> 0:21:24.960 and send it down a river and a little boat 0:21:25.040 --> 0:21:28.240 made of rage. Um, But you can't do that anymore 0:21:28.240 --> 0:21:31.680 because they're everywhere. No, but that's that's tip number one 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:34.679 from psychologist Guy Winch, author of How to Fix a 0:21:34.720 --> 0:21:39.399 Broken Heart. Stay the h off of social media. Do 0:21:39.560 --> 0:21:42.480 not stalk your X on social do not check in, 0:21:42.880 --> 0:21:47.080 like just separate. Imagine that would be really hard because 0:21:47.119 --> 0:21:49.800 in the old days, it was just left to your 0:21:50.720 --> 0:21:54.040 imagination to think about how much fun they were having 0:21:54.640 --> 0:21:56.960 with you know, now you can see pictures of the 0:21:57.119 --> 0:22:01.960 nine new boyfriends that she has. Hum but yeah, you're 0:22:02.040 --> 0:22:05.199 right now, or you know, maybe it helps people. I 0:22:05.240 --> 0:22:08.080 don't know. I think it's imperative that you not do 0:22:08.119 --> 0:22:12.480 that to help to help. Like, it's not like watching 0:22:12.520 --> 0:22:15.080 them on social media will prevent you from ever getting 0:22:15.119 --> 0:22:17.800 over it. I think no matter what you do, you're 0:22:17.840 --> 0:22:22.240 going to eventually get past this. But all you're doing 0:22:22.320 --> 0:22:27.520 is prolonging the process, and that like unnecessarily uh. And 0:22:27.560 --> 0:22:30.119 then also when you were on the f m RI 0:22:30.359 --> 0:22:32.960 machine and they did brain scans from people who have 0:22:33.080 --> 0:22:36.440 been broken up with recently, they found that very much 0:22:36.480 --> 0:22:40.640 similar to people overcoming like an addiction to cocaine. Uh, 0:22:40.680 --> 0:22:44.320 and that that same circuitry is of overcoming addiction is 0:22:44.359 --> 0:22:47.000 just lighting up. It's that potent. Yeah, so so far 0:22:47.080 --> 0:22:49.920 with this m r I study from Albert Einstein came 0:22:50.040 --> 0:22:53.240 up with is that you were in physical pain from 0:22:53.280 --> 0:22:57.880 the breakup, and you're the same centers that are activated 0:22:57.920 --> 0:23:02.480 by addiction cravings with draws are activated by the breakup 0:23:02.520 --> 0:23:06.280 as well. That's astounding. Yeah, And this weird mental cycle 0:23:06.359 --> 0:23:09.280 happens basically when you do look at like a photograph 0:23:09.320 --> 0:23:12.760 of a uh what they say, a former lover right 0:23:13.280 --> 0:23:18.320 over like the burger king laying rug. But you will, 0:23:18.359 --> 0:23:20.440 you'll see the photo and the weird thing is you'll 0:23:20.440 --> 0:23:23.840 immediately get a reward. You will get a dopamine hit, 0:23:24.680 --> 0:23:27.920 like a pleasurable feeling by seeing this person. And then 0:23:27.960 --> 0:23:31.239 you realize, oh wait, well then you get sad all 0:23:31.320 --> 0:23:36.880 right immediately afterwards? Uh and then that sagnus sagness. Where 0:23:36.880 --> 0:23:39.040 did that come from? It is a little saggy feeling 0:23:39.160 --> 0:23:43.840 that triggers the brains ventral tech mental area and the 0:23:43.920 --> 0:23:49.439 nucleus uh acumen bins acumen bins. I think so, I 0:23:49.480 --> 0:23:52.120 know we've run into that before. We just talk about 0:23:52.119 --> 0:23:55.080 the brain a lot more human beins. I think we 0:23:55.200 --> 0:23:57.600 figured out the brain though, right, so we stopped. We 0:23:57.640 --> 0:24:00.960 were like do um, But the these two things working 0:24:00.960 --> 0:24:04.760 together regardless of how I mispronounced them. They trigger the 0:24:04.840 --> 0:24:08.080 urge to see that person, so you get sad, and 0:24:08.119 --> 0:24:10.240 then your brain lights up in two areas and then 0:24:10.440 --> 0:24:13.800 you go, hey, I remember that dopamine hit you get 0:24:13.800 --> 0:24:16.320 from looking this picture. Why don't you just give him 0:24:16.359 --> 0:24:18.440 a call and see what's going on? Right? You want 0:24:18.480 --> 0:24:23.080 the real stuff? Go go? They also those two areas 0:24:23.119 --> 0:24:27.640 apparently also UM are analytical as well, so they're responsible 0:24:27.680 --> 0:24:33.560 for rehashing the the relationship, but apparently they're not very 0:24:33.560 --> 0:24:38.760