WEBVTT - 2: It's Terminal 0:00:01.280 --> 0:00:12.119 I'm just a fool, wait, fearing stranger. Welcome to death, 0:00:12.640 --> 0:00:16.960 grief and other ship. We don't discuss. I'm Kyle McMahon, 0:00:28.280 --> 0:00:37.680 m hm. Hello. Okay, what does that mean? Should I 0:00:37.720 --> 0:00:43.320 come there now? Okay? Please please keep me updated? Okay, 0:00:44.400 --> 0:00:51.960 all right, love you bye. Dad had called me to 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:54.880 tell me Mom was going into the emergency room. She 0:00:54.960 --> 0:00:58.280 hadn't eaten in seven days. She was in pain all 0:00:58.320 --> 0:01:01.880 the time. Through my mom's cancer journey. They had hired 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:05.040 an oncology nurse, Kim, to come and check on Mom 0:01:05.120 --> 0:01:07.920 here and there, and it really helped to ease Mom's 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:11.679 anxiety from growing through all of the various treatments and appointments, 0:01:12.200 --> 0:01:14.399 knowing that she had someone by her side at my 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:18.479 parents house to help guide her through. Kim had been 0:01:18.520 --> 0:01:20.560 over the last few days since Mom had taken a 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:25.039 turn for the worse. My mom. Mom's mother had passed 0:01:25.040 --> 0:01:27.720 away just a few weeks prior, and Mom had really 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:31.560 gone downhill since then. All of us really were just 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:35.920 trying to keep our heads above water. I was so 0:01:36.040 --> 0:01:39.039 close with my mom. I'd visit her weekly and we'd 0:01:39.040 --> 0:01:42.440 eat ice cream and watch horror movies or American Horror 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:45.680 story how awesome is it to say you watch American 0:01:45.720 --> 0:01:49.360 horror Story with your eight year old grandmother. My mom's 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:52.400 death was truly tough on all of us, and the 0:01:52.440 --> 0:01:55.400 aggressive chemo Mom had been getting had been taking its 0:01:55.440 --> 0:01:59.640 toll too. She was weaker than she usually was that 0:01:59.760 --> 0:02:02.520 mom Mom's funeral, Dad had pulled out a wheelchair for 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:04.360 Mom to get in when she was getting out of 0:02:04.400 --> 0:02:07.240 the car. She had been having stomach problems and wasn't 0:02:07.280 --> 0:02:10.080 eating like she normally does, which really had never been 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:14.560 much anyway. Seeing your mom in a wheelchair for the 0:02:14.639 --> 0:02:18.040 first time in your life just hits different. She was 0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:21.280 always superwoman to me, and now at my mom's funeral, 0:02:21.840 --> 0:02:24.520 here she was being wheeled in a wheelchair by my dad. 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:31.560 Due to COVID, attendance at my mom's funeral was severely restricted. 0:02:32.200 --> 0:02:34.520 Mom's care team had said that Mom and Dad had 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:37.720 to sit separately from everyone else because of her chemo 0:02:37.919 --> 0:02:41.079 and the cancer. And since I didn't live with my parents, 0:02:41.400 --> 0:02:43.920 I sat with my Aunt Kim and the rest of 0:02:43.960 --> 0:02:46.400 my family while Mom and Dad sat across the aisle 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:50.960 from us. I had so many feelings just flowing through me. 0:02:51.040 --> 0:02:56.080 At that point, I was sad for my mom, and 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:59.320 I was already missing her so much. I was worried 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:03.040 about Mom, I was concerned about Dad, and here my 0:03:03.120 --> 0:03:05.480 parents were just ten feet away, and I couldn't even 0:03:05.560 --> 0:03:11.440 sit with them at a time I really really needed them. 0:03:11.480 --> 0:03:14.080 My family had asked me to give the eulogy for Mama, 0:03:14.320 --> 0:03:16.680 and I had worked on it for hours the day before. 0:03:17.320 --> 0:03:19.760 I looked over to Mom as I stood at the pulpit. 0:03:20.360 --> 0:03:23.120 She was crying, and although she was wearing a mask 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:26.000 as we all were, I could see she was smiling 0:03:26.040 --> 0:03:29.639 at me, and that gave me comfort, just that look. 0:03:30.320 --> 0:03:34.680 And Mom always had that ability. She is safety, she 0:03:34.880 --> 0:03:41.120 is home, she is love. When I finished the eulogy, 0:03:41.440 --> 0:03:44.640 Mom motioned for me to come sit with them. I 0:03:44.720 --> 0:03:47.040 quietly asked Dad if that's what she meant, and he 0:03:47.080 --> 0:03:50.800 said yes. Mom kissed me on the head through her mask, 0:03:50.920 --> 0:03:54.120 and I knew she was in so much pain, not 0:03:54.320 --> 0:03:59.080 just physically from the cancer, but emotionally from losing her mom. 0:03:59.120 --> 0:04:04.280 And here she was cancer and horrible pain, grieving, and 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:12.920 yet comforting me my safety, my home. Love. When we 0:04:12.960 --> 0:04:15.720 went to the cemetery from my mom, that's when Mom 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:20.080 really broke down. She was sobbing, hysterically getting up from 0:04:20.080 --> 0:04:23.200 her wheelchair and nearly laying herself on my mom's casket. 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:28.440 I could feel her pain. I missed Mom so much already, 0:04:28.480 --> 0:04:31.719 but now I'm hyper focused on Mom and her health. 0:04:32.400 --> 0:04:35.600 I just lost one of my two rocks, my two people, 0:04:36.440 --> 0:04:41.599 so now I'm terrified of losing the other one. I 0:04:41.640 --> 0:04:43.479 looked up at the wall that my mom would be 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:47.080 put in. She'd forever be with her husband Jim, my 0:04:47.120 --> 0:04:51.560 beloved pop up Aunt Kim would eventually be cremated and 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:54.800 go in with them. Mom and Dad will be right 0:04:54.839 --> 0:04:58.400 above them, and I'll be cremated and go in with them. 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:01.160 Aunt Kathie and Uncle Tom had their own place right 0:05:01.200 --> 0:05:04.040 next to them, and hopefully their son t J and 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:07.159 his family would be there too, and my uncle Kevin 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:10.200 and Aunt Michelle and their kids Brian and Megan. We 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:14.840 could all be together forever. Mom collected herself and then 0:05:14.880 --> 0:05:18.760 apologized for losing it. But who could blame her. My 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:22.080 mom was a special woman with a huge heart, and 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:26.440 that's a big reason why Mom was too Mom told 0:05:26.440 --> 0:05:28.800 me later that day that she felt embarrassed about how 0:05:28.839 --> 0:05:33.320 she acted. I said, Mom, you lost her mother. Nobody 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:36.960 is judging you at all for crying over losing your mom, 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:40.200 And I could tell Mom was a bit spacey, a 0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:44.200 bit off. Ever, since my mom had passed the cracks 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:47.440 and the foundation started showing up on Mom's cancer journey, 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:51.080 it was almost like now that she was grieving momm 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:55.520 she couldn't fight her cancer with energy too. I mean, 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:59.080 it takes everything in you to fight a diagnosis like that. 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:02.840 How could you possibly have the mental or physical energy 0:06:02.880 --> 0:06:05.880 to deal with the pain and grief and loss of 0:06:05.960 --> 0:06:09.560 losing your mother on top of fighting for your own life. 0:06:10.600 --> 0:06:13.920 And now here we are with Mom at the hospital 0:06:14.080 --> 0:06:18.560 and my anxiety sky high. Dad had said I couldn't 0:06:18.600 --> 0:06:21.240 go in because of the COVID restrictions at the hospital, 0:06:21.320 --> 0:06:23.919 but he would update me just as soon as she 0:06:24.080 --> 0:06:27.839 was seen. I retreated back to my bubble with blue 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:31.960 binging more unsolved mysteries, with my phone in hand, just 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:37.280 anxiously awaiting dad's call. He texted an update that they 0:06:37.279 --> 0:06:39.919 were taking her in for some tests, and I begged 0:06:40.000 --> 0:06:44.600 him please keep me updated. Then once again I began praying, 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:51.880 now more angry and desperate than ever. God, you can 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:55.599 change all this, so do it. Give us good news, 0:06:56.040 --> 0:07:02.560 Give her good news. I was no longer gracefully and 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:07.280 humbly asking God to help Mom. That tactic clearly wasn't working. 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:23.600 Now I was demanding it. I went over to watch 0:07:23.600 --> 0:07:26.720 a movie with my godson Aidan and his godmother, Michelle 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:29.800 Shell had lost her father to cancer, and I was 0:07:29.880 --> 0:07:32.520 there with them through it all. She knew what I 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:35.000 was going through, so I'd go over there a few 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:37.320 times a week just to watch a movie and forget 0:07:37.360 --> 0:07:42.160 about everything as best as I could. Tonight, though, I 0:07:42.240 --> 0:07:45.560 was having a really difficult time, not concentrating on anything 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:49.280 else but waiting for Mom's test results. Since my mom 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:52.640 had passed, it had really become this vicious cycle of 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:55.600 Mom taking medicine to help her stomach so she could eat, 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:58.280 but then not being able to keep the medicine down, 0:07:58.560 --> 0:08:01.080 which only made her stomach work, which meant that she 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:04.200 couldn't eat, and then the cycle would start over again. 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:11.400 Dad called, and I immediately hopped up and answered, they're 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:14.680 going to admit her. He said, They're gonna give her 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:17.200 fluids through an ivy and put the medicine through that 0:08:17.280 --> 0:08:19.720 to help calm or stomach. Then they can work on 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:21.960 getting real food in her and get her strength back 0:08:22.040 --> 0:08:25.760 up and get her home. Then Dad said something that 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:29.640 made me wonder if maybe God did intervene. He said, 0:08:30.200 --> 0:08:32.480 I'm allowed to stay with her until the morning, and 0:08:32.520 --> 0:08:34.920 then they're kicking me out, and Kim is going to 0:08:35.000 --> 0:08:37.400 be working tomorrow and the section Mom will be in, 0:08:37.480 --> 0:08:41.120 so she'll be there with her all day. This was 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:46.240 a lifeline in an otherwise shitty situation. Mom's own dear 0:08:46.400 --> 0:08:49.720 friend and oncology nurse would be working in Mom's section. 0:08:50.679 --> 0:08:53.800 That would help her mentally for sure, which is such 0:08:53.920 --> 0:09:01.360 a huge part of this battle. For the next few days, 0:09:01.480 --> 0:09:05.000 they did tests and determined that in addition to IBS, 0:09:05.120 --> 0:09:08.600 which is a completely common g I issue, the tumor 0:09:08.840 --> 0:09:11.560 had grown slightly and it was pushing up against part 0:09:11.559 --> 0:09:14.360 of her stomach. The plan was to put a stent 0:09:14.520 --> 0:09:19.200 in to push it away. That next day. The surgery 0:09:19.280 --> 0:09:23.200 was successful, but I could tell Mom was scared. She 0:09:23.280 --> 0:09:25.719 had texted me before that and said that she heard 0:09:25.760 --> 0:09:29.319 it was cold outside. I couldn't help but laugh of 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:32.400 all the things going on with her, and she texted 0:09:32.440 --> 0:09:36.560 me my hair, it's cold outside. Eventually she texted that 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:39.920 the situation wasn't good, but it's in God's hands now, 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:43.520 And when she said that, it really really hit me. 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:47.240 The same God I've been praying to for years, begging, 0:09:47.679 --> 0:09:50.920 pleading with to help Mom, and we're just leaving this 0:09:51.000 --> 0:09:54.920 in his hands now. I tried to steer the conversation elsewhere, 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:57.199 but she wanted me to know how much she loved 0:09:57.200 --> 0:10:03.760 me and always has and always will. Of course I 0:10:03.840 --> 0:10:07.040 felt the same, and I let her know that. She 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:08.640 said she had to go for an X ray and 0:10:08.679 --> 0:10:12.360 she texts me later. Once again, I just broke down 0:10:12.360 --> 0:10:17.520 in tears. Over the next few days, this roller coaster 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:21.760 called cancer journey continued up and down and sideways and 0:10:21.840 --> 0:10:25.400 upside down. As it was getting closer to Christmas, it 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:27.920 was becoming clear that the chances of her being home 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:34.199 before then we're getting smaller. You wouldn't do that, right, 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:38.320 God right, Mom needs to be home for Christmas. You 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:51.360 wouldn't do that. God right. My entire life, I had 0:10:51.400 --> 0:10:54.040 been with my mom on Christmas. It didn't matter how 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:58.080 old I was. Mom always made Christmas special. It didn't 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:00.840 matter if I was eight or eight. She had a 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:04.520 way of going overboard in the best way, always knowing 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:07.840 what you'd love while also covering what you wanted. And 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:12.120 probably most important, getting you what you needed to And 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:15.920 it wasn't just like that with presents. She was like 0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:18.800 that with everything having to do with Christmas and all 0:11:18.880 --> 0:11:23.960 year really, but Christmas was just special with Mom. Mom 0:11:24.000 --> 0:11:27.240 and Dad always had Christmas at their house. It was tradition. 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:30.200 The whole family would come over and we'd have dinner 0:11:30.320 --> 0:11:35.400 and laughing and presents and love. Christmas and Easter were 0:11:35.440 --> 0:11:39.120 Mom's holidays and it always showed. Now, with Christmas Eve 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:42.200 being just a couple of days away, my heart sank 0:11:42.280 --> 0:11:45.400 realizing that she probably wasn't going to be home this year. 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:48.440 She'd be in a hospital bed and none of us 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:50.120 would even be able to go in and see her 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:55.920 because of COVID. That thought scared me so much. Mom's 0:11:55.960 --> 0:11:58.320 favorite holiday, and she'd have to spend it alone in 0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:02.320 a hospital bed, with no visitors and in pain. This 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:08.160 just wasn't fair. None of this was right, None of 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:14.280 it is just I brainstormed with my family to see 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:17.559 what we could do. We found out from her nurse Kim, 0:12:17.600 --> 0:12:19.800 that Mom could see out the window to the top 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:23.160 floor of the hospital garage, so we planned a many 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:26.120 surprise pop up party on the top floor of that garage. 0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:29.240 I would have sat out there all day if I 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:36.120 was allowed. After all, what's Christmas without Mom? Christmas Eve 0:12:36.240 --> 0:12:38.840 came and I decided that I was going to do 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:43.080 something with that energy, that anxiousness, that the nervousness and 0:12:43.120 --> 0:12:45.440 anxiety that I was having. I was going to use 0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:49.760 that energy and do something good for the situation. So 0:12:50.040 --> 0:12:52.360 I wanted to bring dinner to the staff working on 0:12:52.440 --> 0:12:55.640 Mom's floor at the hospital. I went to Costco and 0:12:55.679 --> 0:12:58.439 bought a bunch of desserts, and then went to Boston 0:12:58.520 --> 0:13:01.040 Market and got a big turkey in a bunch of sides. 0:13:01.679 --> 0:13:04.520 They were away from their families at Christmas, making sure 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:07.160 that mine was okay. It was the least I could 0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:09.720 do for them, and once again it was one of 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:12.280 the things I was able to control and an otherwise 0:13:12.400 --> 0:13:17.080 uncontrollable situation. I drove to the hospital and and let 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:19.280 the guard know that I had food for them on 0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:24.840 Mom's floor, and he looked so happy and thankful. He 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:27.240 called somebody from the floor and they came down and 0:13:27.480 --> 0:13:31.240 got it and brought it all up. Of course, a 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:34.520 few hours later, Christmas morning came and it was just 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:38.720 another morning for me. There'd be no joyous Christmas morning 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:41.160 with my parents, like there had been every year my 0:13:41.400 --> 0:13:45.120 entire life. I had bought presents for people, but couldn't 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:49.120 even gather the emotional strength to wrap them. I retreated 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:52.120 to my bubble with Blue, just counting down the hours 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:56.000 until we could surprise Mom. And when that time finally came, 0:13:56.080 --> 0:13:59.120 I gathered up the poster boards I had decorated to 0:13:59.160 --> 0:14:02.440 make signs telling her how much we love her, and 0:14:02.720 --> 0:14:05.080 I met my family and some of her close friends 0:14:05.080 --> 0:14:08.360 on the top floor of the hospital garage. We called 0:14:08.440 --> 0:14:12.080 Mom's nurse, Kim, who was working that day, and she 0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:14.800 wheeled Mom over to the window and we all screamed 0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:17.040 and hooped and hollered and told her how much we 0:14:17.080 --> 0:14:22.320 love her. This was Christmas with pancreatic cancer. It was 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:28.200 yet another thing that it was robbing us up. Shortly 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:30.720 after that, Dad and I met at my parents house 0:14:30.760 --> 0:14:34.320 and went over to Aunt Cathy's. She was having Christmas 0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:37.120 dinner at her house in place of Mom's usual get together, 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:40.840 and Dad and I really didn't feel in the Christmas mood, 0:14:40.880 --> 0:14:44.120 and with COVID it was probably just as well. We 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:46.560 took our plates back to my parents house and just 0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:53.680 had a quiet meal together. Mom's presence was felt, but 0:14:53.760 --> 0:15:02.440 her absence was felt more. See that's the thing about cancer, 0:15:02.640 --> 0:15:07.200 or any kind of terminal diagnosis. It doesn't just eventually 0:15:07.400 --> 0:15:10.080 rob you of your loved ones. It robs you of 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:13.720 those moments along the way. Can rob you of Christmas 0:15:13.800 --> 0:15:18.520 morning laughing and enjoying each other's company. Can rob you 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:21.320 of your mom's cooking, which you never realized just how 0:15:21.400 --> 0:15:25.880 much you'd miss. It. Can rob you of that hug 0:15:25.960 --> 0:15:29.280 you look forward to every time you see your loved one, 0:15:29.920 --> 0:15:34.680 that shoulder when you need it. Pancreatic cancer was robbing 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:37.560 Mom of her life, and it was robbing me of 0:15:37.680 --> 0:15:40.480 my mom, And it was robbing the world of a 0:15:40.600 --> 0:15:47.320 really damn good person. What cancer doesn't care. Cancer doesn't 0:15:47.360 --> 0:15:49.720 care that Mom had built her whole life around being 0:15:49.760 --> 0:15:54.440 a good person, doing for others, making people happy. But 0:15:54.600 --> 0:16:00.840 I do care, and I'm powerless as it steals her away. 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:09.200 By New Year's Mom was well enough to go home. 0:16:10.440 --> 0:16:12.400 That had called me to tell me that hospice was 0:16:12.440 --> 0:16:15.480 going to come in, and immediately I began having a 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:20.080 full blown anxiety attack. He explained that it was actually 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:22.760 the palliative care part of hospice that was coming in 0:16:23.200 --> 0:16:25.720 and the plan was to help Mom regain her strength 0:16:26.080 --> 0:16:28.920 so she could begin chemo treatment again and then be 0:16:29.000 --> 0:16:32.080 back on the road that we were on. I heard 0:16:32.120 --> 0:16:34.640 what he was saying, and I held onto that hope. 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:37.560 But something in the back of my mind just knew 0:16:37.840 --> 0:16:45.760 this was bad. This was really, really bad. The palliative 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:49.400 nurses of hospice were amazing, and they'd come about twice 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:51.560 a day to check Mom's fluids and make sure she 0:16:51.680 --> 0:16:56.120 was eating and moving around. Ultimately, they never did get 0:16:56.160 --> 0:17:00.000 to that rehabilitation stage, as Mom was simply fighting every 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:03.440 every day to stay alive. Ever since she had gotten 0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:08.160 home from the hospital, she was simply existing. The good 0:17:08.240 --> 0:17:12.960 days had turned into good afternoons, and soon those turned 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:17.760 into good moments, and eventually those good moments were less 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:22.600 and less. I was watching the person I love the 0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:27.720 most in this world fade away before my eyes. I 0:17:27.880 --> 0:17:31.000 cherished every moment that I could with Mom. It was 0:17:31.040 --> 0:17:32.800 so hard to see her in pain, but it was 0:17:32.920 --> 0:17:37.159 apparent that time was running out, and I was numb. 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:40.639 It was almost as if my brain shut down everything 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:43.480 and I was just going through the motions. Except when 0:17:43.560 --> 0:17:46.720 I went to see Mom. And when I got too 0:17:46.720 --> 0:17:48.879 emotional to see her in the states she was in, 0:17:49.400 --> 0:17:51.760 I tell her how much I love her, give her 0:17:51.800 --> 0:17:54.280 a big hug and kiss, and I'd run to my 0:17:54.359 --> 0:17:58.240 car to cry it out. Almost every night, I'd leave 0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:03.119 my parents house and drive around crying, screaming about how 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:07.240 unfair this is. Somebody that may have seen me driving 0:18:07.280 --> 0:18:10.399 down the road probably think I'm some kind of whack job. 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:14.640 Seeing this random dude driving down the road screaming and 0:18:14.680 --> 0:18:17.879 crying alone in his car with his hands waving everywhere. 0:18:18.600 --> 0:18:21.280 I'm sure it was a sight to see. And I 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:24.480 did that every night that I would leave my parents 0:18:24.520 --> 0:18:33.080 house until one day it was different. One day I 0:18:33.160 --> 0:18:38.560 asked God to take her. Don't let her be in 0:18:38.640 --> 0:18:46.400 this pain anymore. Stop making her suffer. It's cruel, it's inhumane. 0:18:47.520 --> 0:18:50.280 How can you possibly allow her to live like this? 0:18:51.560 --> 0:18:58.320 Take her? God, take her. The guilt from saying that 0:18:58.440 --> 0:19:02.439 hit me immediately. I had uttered the most reprehensible words 0:19:02.480 --> 0:19:06.000 I could imagine, but that's how I felt. I couldn't 0:19:06.040 --> 0:19:10.119 see her suffer anymore. Since the day she was diagnosed, 0:19:10.160 --> 0:19:13.160 I was always so positive and optimistic, and I would 0:19:13.160 --> 0:19:16.080 get angry at her when she wasn't matching my good vibes. 0:19:16.520 --> 0:19:20.399 But now I was raising the white flag. It was 0:19:20.440 --> 0:19:23.280 selfish of me to want her to stay here, not 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:27.920 like this. She didn't deserve this, She didn't deserve any 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:31.040 of this. The right thing to do is to want 0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:47.000 her suffering to stop. Right right up next, I speak 0:19:47.040 --> 0:19:51.560 with a highly published oncology expert, Dr Gregory Masters, and 0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:54.440 we talked about the other side of a terminal diagnosis, 0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:57.719 which is the doctors who must give them when we 0:19:57.760 --> 0:20:07.199 come back. When we think of our own grief journey, 0:20:07.240 --> 0:20:09.199 do we really ever think of the people on the 0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:12.800 other side of it. On a cancer journey, were often 0:20:13.000 --> 0:20:16.280 intimately involved with an oncologist to help guide our loved 0:20:16.320 --> 0:20:19.159 one on the right course of treatment for them. I 0:20:19.280 --> 0:20:21.520 was interested in how a doctor is able to give 0:20:21.520 --> 0:20:25.439 such devastating news and all the time, regularly throughout their 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:29.520 entire career. I sat down with lung cancer specialist Dr 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:33.240 Gregory Masters, an oncologist at the Helen F. Graham Cancer 0:20:33.320 --> 0:20:37.240 Center and Research Institute who also serves as an associate 0:20:37.280 --> 0:20:42.840 professor at Thomas Jefferson University Medical School in Philadelphia. Dr 0:20:42.960 --> 0:20:46.520 Masters is one of the world's foremost experts on lung cancer, 0:20:46.760 --> 0:20:50.680 and he's published numerous papers on his studies. I wanted 0:20:50.720 --> 0:20:53.480 to know about that other side of the cancer journey. 0:20:53.880 --> 0:20:57.520 Mom's oncologists seemed to always be rooting for her, even 0:20:57.640 --> 0:21:02.919 when she disappointed him. Why is this do they give up? Dr? 0:21:03.040 --> 0:21:09.439 Masters lays it all out. I go into see a 0:21:09.480 --> 0:21:12.919 new patient with either suspected cancer or with cancer. I 0:21:12.960 --> 0:21:16.760 want to get all the information I can that's available 0:21:16.800 --> 0:21:20.199 at that time, and sometimes it's incomplete. Sometimes that's one 0:21:20.200 --> 0:21:22.399 of the hardest things, is going in and not having 0:21:22.440 --> 0:21:25.960 all the information, because people want to know everything that's 0:21:25.960 --> 0:21:28.840 going to happen right away and that that's totally understandable. 0:21:28.840 --> 0:21:31.280 They want to know what's next and you know what's 0:21:31.320 --> 0:21:34.520 happening now. So I try and gather as much information 0:21:34.760 --> 0:21:37.320 as is available before I go in to see a patient. 0:21:37.359 --> 0:21:41.920 I may look at other UH specialists records from their 0:21:41.960 --> 0:21:44.919 interviews and their encounters with the patient. I'll look at 0:21:44.960 --> 0:21:48.520 any radiology testing or X rays or CAT scans or 0:21:48.640 --> 0:21:51.560 m r I scans. I may look at any biopsies 0:21:51.680 --> 0:21:54.639 to see what the pathology is and if we know exactly, 0:21:54.880 --> 0:21:57.240 you know what the cancer is, where the cancer is. 0:21:57.800 --> 0:22:00.080 And then I have to, you know, prepare myself to 0:22:00.160 --> 0:22:04.879 go in and talk about something that's not really ever easy. 0:22:05.200 --> 0:22:07.280 My intent is to go in and learn as much 0:22:07.320 --> 0:22:10.400 as I can about the patient. Once I know as 0:22:10.480 --> 0:22:13.320 much as I can about the medical situation, and I 0:22:13.400 --> 0:22:16.240 try and get to know that patient. You know, it's 0:22:16.240 --> 0:22:18.520 in a short period of time. But I try and 0:22:18.560 --> 0:22:20.600 get as much as I can from the patient and 0:22:20.640 --> 0:22:24.480 from the family because almost always when someone comes with 0:22:24.800 --> 0:22:28.040 you know, a family member or a friend, that person 0:22:28.160 --> 0:22:31.040 is there to help provide as much support as possible. 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:34.760 So I really think it's important to include that. But 0:22:34.760 --> 0:22:36.560 but I try and get as much as I can 0:22:36.680 --> 0:22:41.080 about you know, what the patient knows, what they fear, um, 0:22:41.080 --> 0:22:43.560 what they think is going to happen, and then to 0:22:43.600 --> 0:22:46.480 try and get to their questions about what might happen 0:22:46.520 --> 0:22:51.480 and what we're gonna do next. Is there ever resistance 0:22:51.600 --> 0:22:55.720 from the patient, and what I mean is culturally religiously, 0:22:56.600 --> 0:22:59.400 where there might you know, you might have to take 0:22:59.400 --> 0:23:02.320 those kinds of things into consideration. Is that a thing 0:23:02.680 --> 0:23:06.639 or oh it's totally a thing. Yeah, So there's there's 0:23:06.680 --> 0:23:09.399 I guess to me, that's all part of my job 0:23:09.520 --> 0:23:13.399 that makes it interesting and challenging. Sometimes it can be 0:23:13.480 --> 0:23:17.280 a barrier to getting you know, good communication, But again 0:23:17.320 --> 0:23:19.440 I sort of feel like that's part of my job 0:23:19.560 --> 0:23:23.400 is to understand the patient and their family and their circumstances. 0:23:23.480 --> 0:23:27.240 And it can go anywhere from some families who don't 0:23:27.280 --> 0:23:31.040 want the patient to even know the diagnosis um or 0:23:31.119 --> 0:23:33.320 don't want the patient to know that they're going to die, 0:23:33.520 --> 0:23:36.280 or don't want the patient to know that, you know, 0:23:36.480 --> 0:23:39.560 they may not be a candidate for some treatment that 0:23:39.600 --> 0:23:44.600 they're really depending on whether it's surgery or radiation. Sometimes 0:23:44.600 --> 0:23:47.720 it's there's a lot of fear to thinking about chemotherapy, 0:23:47.800 --> 0:23:51.680 maybe based on experiences they've had, or their friends or 0:23:51.720 --> 0:23:55.560 their family has had. Sometimes those experiences are you know, 0:23:55.600 --> 0:23:58.240 a long time ago where we weren't as good. But 0:23:58.320 --> 0:24:00.200 what I try and do is to help, you know, 0:24:00.240 --> 0:24:03.640 as to understand people and try and understand their situation. 0:24:04.320 --> 0:24:07.240 And I don't try and treat every situation the same 0:24:07.280 --> 0:24:10.240 because I don't think that fits. At the same time, 0:24:10.280 --> 0:24:13.280 I do have as part of my job the role 0:24:13.480 --> 0:24:16.879 of telling them what's going on and helping them understand 0:24:17.000 --> 0:24:22.160 as much as they're ready. For my mom, there were times, 0:24:22.560 --> 0:24:25.400 especially early on, she got better as it went on, 0:24:25.680 --> 0:24:28.800 but there were times where she was like, tell him 0:24:28.880 --> 0:24:30.959 to my dad and then he can he knows how 0:24:31.040 --> 0:24:35.840 to filter the information back because a big challenge for 0:24:36.200 --> 0:24:39.200 her doctor, which was my mom's and he was amazing. 0:24:39.920 --> 0:24:42.960 He had a handful to deal with with my mom 0:24:43.040 --> 0:24:47.439 because she had had anxiety and she was generally pretty 0:24:47.440 --> 0:24:50.560 good about dealing with it in normal day to day life, 0:24:50.840 --> 0:24:54.040 but when it came to this, it was like it 0:24:54.160 --> 0:24:58.680 just opened up the floodgates, and so he had that 0:24:58.880 --> 0:25:01.800 doctor had his ends full with my mom and how 0:25:01.880 --> 0:25:06.640 to handle this, you know, delicately, and I'm sure, um, 0:25:06.680 --> 0:25:10.160 it's got to be tough, you know, in your situation, 0:25:10.840 --> 0:25:14.880 how do you handle somebody like that where you're not 0:25:14.960 --> 0:25:18.040 just dealing with the physical part of it, you're dealing 0:25:18.080 --> 0:25:22.280 with the mental part of it as well well. I 0:25:22.280 --> 0:25:24.919 I think what you're describing as something that's common to 0:25:25.240 --> 0:25:29.120 all patients and all families in different levels. Um So, 0:25:30.040 --> 0:25:32.720 I do think it's important to to sort of get 0:25:32.760 --> 0:25:35.679 in there with the patient and their family and understand 0:25:35.720 --> 0:25:39.120 that and figure out where they're coming from. Sometimes that 0:25:39.280 --> 0:25:42.760 comes out right away, and sometimes people are very reserved 0:25:42.760 --> 0:25:44.880 in the beginning, and it takes a little bit of 0:25:45.400 --> 0:25:48.040 getting to know them, you know, maybe talking about what 0:25:48.080 --> 0:25:51.640 their outside interests are, talking more about their family, talking 0:25:51.640 --> 0:25:55.240