WEBVTT - CZM Book Club: "Intentionalities" by Aimee Ogden 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:03.320 Cool Zone Media. 0:00:06.160 --> 0:00:11.160 Book Club book Club book Club. It's the Cool Zone 0:00:11.200 --> 0:00:14.960 Media book Club, the book club that has a different 0:00:15.040 --> 0:00:18.439 jingle every week. I'm your host, Margaret Kiljoy, and every 0:00:18.440 --> 0:00:21.079 week I read you a different story. It's the book 0:00:21.120 --> 0:00:23.000 club where you don't have to do the reading because 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:26.200 I do it for you. The jingle changes, but the 0:00:26.239 --> 0:00:29.520 tagline stays roughly the same, even though I don't write 0:00:29.560 --> 0:00:34.519 it down, I already said I'm the host. Well that's it, 0:00:34.560 --> 0:00:37.680 because there's no guest. It's just me and you, dear listener, 0:00:38.479 --> 0:00:43.479 and story. This week, Uncle Zone Media book Club, I'm 0:00:43.479 --> 0:00:46.919 going to read you a story called Intentionalities by Amy Ogden. 0:00:47.520 --> 0:00:51.000 And this story has it all. I really like this story. 0:00:51.040 --> 0:00:51.199 I know. 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:52.840 I say that about all the stories, but that's because 0:00:52.840 --> 0:00:54.560 I like them, or I wouldn't read them to you. 0:00:55.120 --> 0:00:56.800 This story has it all. It has emotions, it has 0:00:56.840 --> 0:00:59.560 precarious labor, it has the future, It has family, it 0:00:59.560 --> 0:01:01.760 has a labor organizing. Those are the only things that 0:01:01.760 --> 0:01:05.759 I'm aware of. I told you it was by Amy Ogden. 0:01:06.080 --> 0:01:08.240 But who's Amy Ogden, you might ask, Well. 0:01:08.080 --> 0:01:08.600 It's a good thing. 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:12.840 I'm about to read you Amy's bio. Amy Ogden is 0:01:12.880 --> 0:01:16.160 an American Werewolf in the Netherlands. Her debut novella Son 0:01:16.280 --> 0:01:19.720 Daughter c Daughters, was a Nebula Ward finalist, and she 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:22.000 has over one hundred short fiction publications that have appeared 0:01:22.040 --> 0:01:25.280 in places such as Strange Horizons, Light Speed and Best 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:28.360 American Science Fiction and Fantasy twenty twenty two, and of course, 0:01:28.360 --> 0:01:32.399 Cool Zone Media Book Club. When Intentionalities came out, Hank 0:01:32.440 --> 0:01:34.720 Green tweeted at her that the story made him cry, 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:37.160 which we'll have to count as Amy's fifteen minutes of 0:01:37.160 --> 0:01:39.600 Internet fame, even though she missed it at the time 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:42.600 because she was cleaning the bathroom. You can find more 0:01:42.640 --> 0:01:48.840 about her work and her at Amyogdenwrights dot com. Amy 0:01:48.920 --> 0:01:51.640 is spelled AI m E and I'll just read the 0:01:51.680 --> 0:01:55.280 whole thing actually a I M E E og d 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:59.840 E n w R I T E s dot com. 0:02:01.240 --> 0:02:06.000 But without further ado, because there's been some ado. Do 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:08.160 you ever think about those words that only exist in 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:11.400 very specific contexts, like we only say much ado or 0:02:11.440 --> 0:02:15.240 further ado. We never talk about a do on its own, like, oh, 0:02:15.280 --> 0:02:18.680 there was some ado. We don't say that because it 0:02:18.720 --> 0:02:22.320 sounds like poop, and we're afraid to talk about that. 0:02:24.400 --> 0:02:29.000 Intentionalities by Amy Ogden. This story was first published in 0:02:29.240 --> 0:02:32.920 January twenty twenty one in Clark's World magazine, which again 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:36.280 is one of the best science fiction magazines and one 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:38.000 of the only ones I never got into. I haven't 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:40.240 been publishing short fiction in a little while. That's why 0:02:40.520 --> 0:02:43.600 I've never been in it. But you know, if you're 0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:47.480 writing short fiction, if Clark's Worlds currently open submission, you 0:02:47.480 --> 0:02:49.680 should always submit to them first, because they reject you 0:02:49.720 --> 0:02:52.600 so fast. It's like, really impressive how fast they reject you. 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:54.280 And since you can only submit a short story to 0:02:54.280 --> 0:02:56.799 one magazine at a time, it's cool to like get 0:02:56.800 --> 0:02:59.640 the rejections racked up per story if you're writing short 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:03.160 fiction and you get rejected, like these magazines have like 0:03:03.160 --> 0:03:06.919 a less than one percent acceptance rate, and even professional 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:11.280 authors are rejected about as often as they're accepted, even 0:03:11.320 --> 0:03:13.040 once they've already got like a bunch of credits and 0:03:13.040 --> 0:03:15.440 things like that. So don't take it personally, just like 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:17.440 I don't take it personally that Neil Clark has never 0:03:17.440 --> 0:03:19.880 published me in Clark's World. I don't take that personally 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:26.520 at all. Intentionality is by Amy Ogden. Soorrel never intended 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:29.639 to confer a child to the Braxos corporation. But Sorel 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:31.600 had never intended a lot of things that managed to 0:03:31.600 --> 0:03:35.000 happen with or without her say so. She had scarcely 0:03:35.000 --> 0:03:38.440 marched across the auditorium diploma in hand. When Congress passed 0:03:38.480 --> 0:03:42.680 the Protecting America's Children Act, education was handed over to 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:46.680 the private sector, mostly to prison corporations whose personnel already 0:03:46.680 --> 0:03:50.880 had certifications in sub lethal youth management. Sorel didn't have 0:03:50.920 --> 0:03:53.880 an SYM license nor the heart to teach with a 0:03:53.920 --> 0:03:57.400 taser on her rip. Instead, she found work serving as 0:03:57.400 --> 0:04:01.640 a custodian at Mission Health's main hospital, Camp. Mission belonged 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:04.200 to the parent corp that owned her student loan debt 0:04:04.200 --> 0:04:07.040 and her father's end of life bills too. Having them 0:04:07.040 --> 0:04:09.760 deduct the payments straight from her paycheck cut her interest 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:13.520 rate by a full half percent. The hospital had Braxos 0:04:13.520 --> 0:04:16.480 ads everywhere, of course, along with those for several other 0:04:16.560 --> 0:04:20.360 parent corp holdings. One Halavid played in the air over 0:04:20.400 --> 0:04:22.839 the middle of the cafeteria several times a day on 0:04:22.880 --> 0:04:26.960 a twenty minute loop. Braxos Our Future in Yours Hand 0:04:27.040 --> 0:04:30.880 in hand, a blurb about the future career training and 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:34.680 Advocacy Act. All the ads became white noise to Sorrel 0:04:34.800 --> 0:04:37.719 sooner or later, but she caught herself sometimes humming that 0:04:37.760 --> 0:04:41.240 little jingle or the one for the new hyperloop line. 0:04:42.520 --> 0:04:44.760 So Sorrel made plans, the kind of plans that can 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:47.480 only be made because believing they could come true was 0:04:47.520 --> 0:04:49.279 the only thing that could get a body out of 0:04:49.279 --> 0:04:52.520 bed in the morning she was making ends meet. She 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:55.359 would find a cheaper apartment and save money there. She 0:04:55.360 --> 0:04:57.960 would skip breakfast a couple times a week, another couple 0:04:57.960 --> 0:05:00.440 of bucks to sock away. She would st stop going 0:05:00.520 --> 0:05:02.960 out to the matinee theater on her Tuesday mornings off, 0:05:03.320 --> 0:05:07.000 cancel her vidgas streaming service, skip the occasional beaters with 0:05:07.080 --> 0:05:11.360 friends who still lived nearby. The shell sparkled overhead, reflecting 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:15.240 sunlight back into space, but Sorel's apartment sweltered in the 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:19.200 hotter than ever summer's with the air conditioning off. In 0:05:19.279 --> 0:05:22.480 her head, the numbers added up, slowly but steadily, building 0:05:22.640 --> 0:05:26.080 sturdy mountains out of nickel and diime mole hills, but 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:28.560 the balance in her checking account never fell in line 0:05:28.640 --> 0:05:32.800 the way its imaginary counterpart did. After two months of overdraft, 0:05:32.800 --> 0:05:35.600 fees her bank account transferred her account to a high 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:38.880 risk financial management plan. When she sat down at the 0:05:38.880 --> 0:05:42.280 first required meeting with her assigned case manager, the man 0:05:42.360 --> 0:05:44.360 didn't even look at her as he typed her entire 0:05:44.400 --> 0:05:48.240 biography into a two hundred character field on his form. 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:50.720 When he asked how she planned to develop her financial 0:05:50.720 --> 0:05:54.200 outlook to prevent reaching felony levels of debt, he called 0:05:54.240 --> 0:05:59.239 her Sarah. Her hands refused to warm to the temperature 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:01.719 of the office. She clasped them on her lap so 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:05.159 he wouldn't see them shake. Nothing she could say would 0:06:05.200 --> 0:06:08.560 be right. No secret money stashed away, no education and 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:12.520 career development plant, no chance of an inheritance. Her head 0:06:12.600 --> 0:06:14.960 was an empty box and the only thing bouncing inside 0:06:14.960 --> 0:06:19.320 of it was that stupid Braxos jingle. I'm going to 0:06:19.360 --> 0:06:22.600 confer a child to Braxos, she said, and he looked 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:25.400 up from his tablet. Sorrel meant to have a plan 0:06:25.480 --> 0:06:27.880 in place before the screening test arrived in the mail, 0:06:28.120 --> 0:06:32.719 another part time job under employment relief funds crowdfunding, but 0:06:32.800 --> 0:06:35.280 her biz pass resume only ever racked up a couple 0:06:35.320 --> 0:06:38.520 dozen hits and no leads, and her relief application bounds 0:06:38.600 --> 0:06:40.520 and or hit you up ended up in the red 0:06:40.560 --> 0:06:43.720 after she paid the fee to close it out. So 0:06:44.040 --> 0:06:47.120 when the screening test came, Sorel viciously swabbed the inside 0:06:47.120 --> 0:06:49.200 of her cheek and then dropped it back in the 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:53.080 postal box, postage paid. By the time the response arrived, 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:56.200 she'd convinced herself not to read it in detail. She 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:58.320 would check to see if there was a contract, and 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:02.320 if so, she could and send it back. If not, 0:07:02.560 --> 0:07:05.279 no harm, she would simply be back where she'd started. 0:07:05.920 --> 0:07:08.400 Knowing what small genetic accidents kept her from being a 0:07:08.480 --> 0:07:13.360 viable candidate wouldn't change things. She opened the envelope. The 0:07:13.400 --> 0:07:16.680 cover letter fell out. Behind it peaked another document on 0:07:16.720 --> 0:07:21.160 heavy paper. At the bottom, a hungry signature line waited. 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:25.240 Her fingers brushed the letter, not hard enough to sweep 0:07:25.240 --> 0:07:28.760 it aside. Instead, they crawled word by word over the ink, 0:07:29.120 --> 0:07:33.360 collecting the scrabble tile names of celebrated genes. A novel 0:07:33.480 --> 0:07:37.080 mutation in the po LB gene was her crowning glory, 0:07:37.360 --> 0:07:40.960 promising a vastly increased rate of replication fidelity that would 0:07:40.960 --> 0:07:44.280 help her offspring to withstand the withering radiation of space. 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:47.720 It would keep the baby's genes, hewing closely to the 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:51.200 original versions that Sorrel would bestow upon it, in other words, 0:07:51.960 --> 0:07:55.239 a tie to bind them between worlds. Her hands seized 0:07:55.680 --> 0:07:59.320 and she crushed the cover letter. Her signature on the 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:04.080 contracted more than usual, but still recognizable as her own. 0:08:04.960 --> 0:08:07.040 She put it into the envelope and dropped it into 0:08:07.080 --> 0:08:11.280 the mailbox downstairs before she changed her mind. It was 0:08:11.320 --> 0:08:14.200 only five years. Sorrel could make it through five years 0:08:14.240 --> 0:08:16.200 unscathed if it meant a light at the end of 0:08:16.240 --> 0:08:22.200 the interminable tunnel of debt she'd fallen into. Sorel got 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:24.679 sucked into an argument with the crowd outside the clinic. 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:27.119 She was supposed to keep her head down and follow 0:08:27.160 --> 0:08:30.000 the company liaison from the taxi to the door, but 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:31.720 then some asshole hit her in the head with a 0:08:31.760 --> 0:08:36.320 sign declaring the Youth Occupational Success Act as slavery. It 0:08:36.400 --> 0:08:38.840 wasn't slavery. It was just ten years of service after 0:08:38.880 --> 0:08:41.480 their training, and after that the kids would be set 0:08:41.559 --> 0:08:44.040 up for any career they wanted. She tried to say 0:08:44.080 --> 0:08:46.760 that at least, but the protester shouted her down, calling 0:08:46.800 --> 0:08:50.959 her corporate broodmare and mother of the year and more. 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:56.200 Succinctly bitch, and then the liaison was pulling her away 0:08:56.400 --> 0:08:59.560 through the bristling cardboard signs and grabbing hands and into 0:08:59.559 --> 0:09:03.559 the cool, clean lobby. While she waited for her appointment, 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:07.320 Sorel considered asking about the sperm donor. It was doubtful 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:09.920 that Braxos could tell her much, but even if she 0:09:09.960 --> 0:09:12.440 couldn't know who he was, she would have liked to 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:15.840 hear what he was like, where he lived, why they 0:09:15.880 --> 0:09:18.760 wanted to knit her DNA to his. But when the 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:21.480 technician called her name, he didn't look up from his tablet, 0:09:21.559 --> 0:09:23.760 only rattled off her identifying information. 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:25.880 Yes. 0:09:26.840 --> 0:09:29.400 She stood up and fumbled for her purse or jacket, 0:09:29.440 --> 0:09:32.000 the outdated magazine where she'd been staring at a recipe 0:09:32.040 --> 0:09:37.280 she would never make. That's me, Follow me. He disappeared 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:39.840 into the hallway behind the waiting room, and Sorrel trotted 0:09:39.840 --> 0:09:42.600 to keep up. The waiting room had been full. He 0:09:42.679 --> 0:09:45.480 must have had a lot of clients that day. Knowing 0:09:45.520 --> 0:09:47.760 it was true didn't make Sorrel feel better about it. 0:09:48.800 --> 0:09:51.200 In the patient room, a sheet and a green cotton 0:09:51.240 --> 0:09:53.680 gown had been folded neatly and left on the edge 0:09:53.679 --> 0:09:57.959 of the exam table. The technician excused himself, while Sorrel changed. 0:09:58.600 --> 0:10:00.959 Don't forget to take your underwear off off, he reminded her, 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:05.040 before the door whispered shut. Sorols slipped into the gown 0:10:05.120 --> 0:10:07.760 and lay back on the table, Her skin prickled with 0:10:07.840 --> 0:10:11.280 cold where the sheet touched her legs. She wriggled, trying 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:14.840 to find a comfortable position. Exactly how many people had 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:17.760 lain here, expecting to get pregnant while still snugly encased 0:10:17.800 --> 0:10:21.000 in a pair of haines. A knock on the door 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:24.480 pulled her fingers taut on the sheet. Come in, she called, 0:10:24.840 --> 0:10:28.520 and another technician, a different sandy haired white man, entered 0:10:28.520 --> 0:10:32.319 with a small cart. Sorrel Macintosh, she said, reading from 0:10:32.360 --> 0:10:34.839 a vile label on the cart, and compared it to 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:39.240 the readout on his tablet. Thumb print here. She pressed 0:10:39.240 --> 0:10:41.760 the tablet where he indicated, and it chimed its approval. 0:10:42.040 --> 0:10:44.920 She was, in fact, who, she said to was no 0:10:45.080 --> 0:10:48.040 allergies he should be aware of, she averred, no new 0:10:48.080 --> 0:10:51.839 health condition since the mandatory complete physical last week. At 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:54.600 his instruction, she fumbled her feet into the stirrups and 0:10:54.640 --> 0:10:58.320 stared up into the clean, white fluorescent light. Someone had 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:00.920 hung a suncatcher from one inner section of the drop 0:11:01.000 --> 0:11:05.800 ceiling tiles. A cribmobile for adults suspended it twisted on 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:09.120 its string from the draft from the HVAC vent, beaming 0:11:09.200 --> 0:11:12.400 faintly flower shaped patches onto the white wall while the 0:11:12.440 --> 0:11:17.640 cold speculum stretched Sorel open. This is the lydocane injection. 0:11:18.320 --> 0:11:20.760 The technician pulled up beside her on a rolling stool 0:11:20.800 --> 0:11:23.680 to show her a syringe. You might feel a little pinch. 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:29.760 That little pinch darkened the edges of Sorel's world. When 0:11:29.800 --> 0:11:32.320 she swam nauseously up from the depths of her dizziness. 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:35.120 The technician had stripped off his latex gloves and tossed 0:11:35.160 --> 0:11:38.480 them into the used kit on his cart. You did great, 0:11:38.559 --> 0:11:42.480 he said, entering data on the tablet. Sorrel craned her neck, 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:45.440 but couldn't see what he wrote, nor guess what he'd 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:48.720 need to. Please, remain in this position for ten minutes 0:11:48.760 --> 0:11:51.280 before you get up. There are tissues to clean yourself 0:11:51.360 --> 0:11:53.760 up if you need. Thank you for coming in today. 0:11:54.880 --> 0:11:59.000 Thank you, said Sorel foolishly. Awkwardly, he pushed the cart 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:02.040 out with one foot and shut the door. Sorrel stared 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:04.640 at the ceiling alone with the realization she'd forgotten to 0:12:04.679 --> 0:12:10.560 ask about the donor. Alone altogether. Now, five years wasn't forever. 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:15.000 She could be alone for five years. But you won't 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:19.440 be left alone without advertisements. Advertisements are always there. Whenever 0:12:19.480 --> 0:12:22.960 you're lonely, turn to advertisements. This show brought to you 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:26.640 by advertisements. How was my ad for ads? 0:12:27.200 --> 0:12:41.360 How was it? Here's the other ads. 0:12:42.760 --> 0:12:44.880 Sorel wasn't supposed to be the first one to hold 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:48.560 the baby. The pre delivery instructions had been clear that 0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:51.600 the Braxos technician would handle the infant before she did. 0:12:52.520 --> 0:12:56.040 First things. First, turn the newborn into a number, break 0:12:56.080 --> 0:12:58.960 her up from a person into a DNA word search puzzle. 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:02.440 But the sea section had run long, and the technician 0:13:02.480 --> 0:13:05.080 had left the operating room for a bathroom break, and 0:13:05.160 --> 0:13:08.280 so this pink, wrinkled, cotton smelling thing had been pressed 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:12.719 directly into Sorel's arms. Her whole body trembled, Convinced she 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:16.520 was ice cold in the wake of an epidural. I'll 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:18.960 drop her, she cried, as the little mouth pushed and 0:13:18.960 --> 0:13:22.640 puckered against her neck. You can do this, mamma, the 0:13:22.720 --> 0:13:25.480 nurse tutted and draped a warm felt blanket over her 0:13:25.520 --> 0:13:28.720 head and around her shoulders, anchoring it under the baby's 0:13:28.760 --> 0:13:31.920 tiny weight. Sorel didn't have the energy to explain it 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.560 to her. If anything happened to the child, if she 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:37.880 wasn't contractually perfect, then these nine months of worry and 0:13:37.960 --> 0:13:41.760 wellness checks had been for nothing. Then she was still 0:13:41.800 --> 0:13:44.840 in the same tunnel, digging ever downward. Two turned around 0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:48.319 to hope to surface again. No one's ever dropped a 0:13:48.360 --> 0:13:50.840 baby on my watch. But if you do, fumble her, 0:13:50.960 --> 0:13:53.719 the nurse went on, appending a wink, I'll catch her 0:13:53.760 --> 0:13:57.200 before she hits the ground. She clapsed the wave function 0:13:57.360 --> 0:14:00.400 of Sorel's violently oscillating knee by squeezing it. 0:14:00.360 --> 0:14:01.120 Through the sheets. 0:14:02.640 --> 0:14:06.120 Then the Braxos technicians stumbled back into the oar, scrubbing 0:14:06.160 --> 0:14:10.240 in and making his apologies. Concurrently, Sorel hadn't stopped shaking 0:14:10.280 --> 0:14:12.400 by the time he lifted the infant from her arms. 0:14:12.920 --> 0:14:15.520 No ordering the trip from the operating floor to the 0:14:15.559 --> 0:14:19.600 recovery ward. She was shaking still when her pre delivery 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:24.200 clothes folded on the room's empty chair buzzed. The nurse 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:27.440 brought her the phone wrapped in sorrels wadded up jeans, 0:14:27.560 --> 0:14:32.040 and Sorel fumbled her passcoat twice before it unlocked. There 0:14:32.080 --> 0:14:35.000 was a new message from her bank. The initial Braxos 0:14:35.040 --> 0:14:38.680 payment had been received. Every zero in the number looped 0:14:38.680 --> 0:14:42.120 her around and round inside it, dizzying her with relief. 0:14:42.640 --> 0:14:44.480 She shut the phone off and tossed it by her 0:14:44.560 --> 0:14:48.080 feet before the nausea overwhelmed her. Here we are now. 0:14:48.840 --> 0:14:51.320 The nurse appeared in the doorway with a swaddled infant 0:14:51.320 --> 0:14:54.160 in her arms. When Sorel didn't hold her arms out, 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:57.560 she nestled the baby in the bed alongside her. She's 0:14:57.640 --> 0:14:59.800 been fed, according to your wishes, you two shuldt a 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:03.040 court and get some rest, not necessarily in that order. 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:07.840 Her smile had ossified since earlier. Maybe she was at 0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:10.160 the end of a long shift. Maybe she'd remembered that 0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:13.160 Sorel was a Braxos parent. If you're going to name 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:16.240 her yourself, you can start thinking on that. Otherwise, we'll 0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:19.560 use the random generator tomorrow for the official certificate. In 0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:22.280 the meantime, you just buzz the nursing station if you 0:15:22.320 --> 0:15:27.960 need anything, all right, dear, okay. The nurse dimmed the lights. 0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:31.400 Sorel frowned down at the infant beside her, scrying for 0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:34.200 her own reflection in the opaque, blue black eyes and 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:38.560 petulant face. In the morning, she had the nurse enter 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:43.280 the name Abigail onto the birth certificate. Abigail had been 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:46.240 Sorel's mother's name. You can use the generator for a 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:49.400 middle name, she said, aiming the little plastic bottle at 0:15:49.400 --> 0:15:54.040 Abigail's incompetently pursed mouth. The nurse's reading lenses jumped as 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:57.840 she wrinkled her nose at the tablet. Abigail April doesn't 0:15:57.880 --> 0:15:59.800 make much sense for a little girl born in July. 0:16:01.080 --> 0:16:04.680 It's fine. Sorrel nudged Abigail's lips with the bottle nipple 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:08.400 the way the nutritional consultant had showed her. This time, 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:11.560 she latched on tiny bubbles rolled up to the top 0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:14.240 of the chalky liquid with each of her sluggish pulls. 0:16:15.320 --> 0:16:19.200 Just put in Abigail April. The nurse turned her back 0:16:19.280 --> 0:16:23.000 to tap on the tablet. Abigail's feeble gulps competed with 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:26.800 the room silence they were absorbed into it. Sorrel re 0:16:26.960 --> 0:16:29.040 arranged to hold the baby in the bottle with the 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:31.120 same arm and fumbled her phone out to watch the 0:16:31.200 --> 0:16:34.920 day's news. The top story detailed the construction project that 0:16:34.960 --> 0:16:38.880 would house the news Braxos Crush. She scrolled past it 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:42.200 to a bit about a hyperlooped derailment outside Rio, then 0:16:42.240 --> 0:16:45.520 glazed over the coverage of the water ryots. Nothing new 0:16:45.600 --> 0:16:48.840 to see there. A loud slurping noise roused her from 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:51.600 behind drooping eyelids. The baby had made it to the 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:54.040 end of the bottle and failed to distinguish dry air 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:58.000 from milk. Soorrel flicked the bottle onto the bedside table 0:16:58.080 --> 0:17:01.440 and hefted the baby toward her shoulder. The baby burped 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:04.159 before she ever made it there, dribbling a mouthful of 0:17:04.200 --> 0:17:07.760 sour milk slabber down the front of Abigail's gown. God, 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:10.960 damn it, Abigail April, she said, and the words rolled 0:17:10.960 --> 0:17:13.960 out too naturally out of her mouth. She snatched a 0:17:14.000 --> 0:17:16.720 tissue to wipe off her shirt, and the baby's pointed chin. 0:17:17.119 --> 0:17:19.440 Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it. She knew 0:17:19.480 --> 0:17:22.199 from the outset the name was a mistake. Pretending it 0:17:22.240 --> 0:17:24.679 was the first such she'd made. That was only a 0:17:24.720 --> 0:17:29.480 concession to what was left of her pride. Sorel didn't 0:17:29.480 --> 0:17:32.159 mean for Abigail's second birthday party to be her first 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:36.080 and only one. She made a cake yellow with chocolate frosting, 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:39.000 invited the other three children around Abigail's age from the 0:17:39.040 --> 0:17:42.240 mission housing complex where they lived now. One of the 0:17:42.280 --> 0:17:45.560 kid's older siblings who tagged along, sang Happy Birthday with 0:17:45.640 --> 0:17:48.399 the adults, but the other little kids only shrieked and 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:52.840 confused anticipation. When Sorrel stopped Abigail from grabbing for the 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:57.200 cake with its still lit candles, no no hot, Abigail 0:17:57.240 --> 0:18:02.760 burst into frustrated tears. Sorel cried too, but only later 0:18:02.800 --> 0:18:05.600 when they were alone, while Abigail played with the presents 0:18:05.640 --> 0:18:09.040 that Braxos had paid for. They sent money every month 0:18:09.040 --> 0:18:11.320 for toys and games, as well as for child care 0:18:11.359 --> 0:18:15.480 and food and clothes and educational programming. They wanted well 0:18:15.600 --> 0:18:20.080 rounded humans, not neurotic labrats. Abigail was currently banging a 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:23.800 plastic spaceship against various things in the apartment, examining the 0:18:23.840 --> 0:18:26.520 different sounds it made when bounced off the couch versus 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:30.840 tapped on the wall. The week before, Sorel had started 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:33.720 to fill out a dating profile on amoor dot com 0:18:33.760 --> 0:18:35.560 and till she got to the question about whether or 0:18:35.560 --> 0:18:38.640 not she had children, and froze, as she always did. 0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:41.600 This time she'd been saved by the paying of July's 0:18:41.720 --> 0:18:44.879 check arriving in her bank account. She closed the amor 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:48.800 tab and studied the solid black numbers. Walls of zeros 0:18:49.240 --> 0:18:52.120 holding off all the awful things lying just out of sight, 0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:56.639 never out of memory, hunger and sickness and exhaustion. Walls 0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:59.600 full of holes, gaping wounds through which Sorel couldn't help 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:02.480 but jopoggle all the painful possibilities to test how loose 0:19:02.520 --> 0:19:06.760 they'd grown. We could go on vacation, she said to Abigail, 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:09.240 who was banging the spaceship against the toy bin. Now, 0:19:09.920 --> 0:19:11.880 she wiped her nose on her sleeve, a habit she'd 0:19:11.920 --> 0:19:15.080 been trying to break, Abigail of neither of us have 0:19:15.160 --> 0:19:19.480 ever had a vacation. Abigail put the nose cone of 0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:23.120 the ship in her mouth. Snack pease, she said, round 0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:27.080 her mouthful of Braxos fuselage. Sorrel picked her up and 0:19:27.119 --> 0:19:29.560 carried her into the kitchen to make peanut butter banana, 0:19:29.760 --> 0:19:32.000 which was too messy to eat on the carpet. She 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:35.080 cut the banana into little discs, dabbed peanut butter on top, 0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:37.840 and placed a single cheerio halo in the middle of each. 0:19:38.600 --> 0:19:41.440 Abigail ate three slices and pulped the rest in her 0:19:41.440 --> 0:19:44.360 fists to paint an abstract master work on her high 0:19:44.440 --> 0:19:48.720 chair tray. Sorel hated it when dark phantasies flitted through 0:19:48.720 --> 0:19:51.560 her head. One day, while waiting to cross the street 0:19:51.560 --> 0:19:54.280 to do their grocery shopping, she caught herself dreaming about 0:19:54.280 --> 0:19:57.160 a car blowing through the intersection beneath a bloody red light. 0:19:57.920 --> 0:20:00.920 She imagined Abigail sailing through the air, imagined her legs 0:20:00.960 --> 0:20:03.440 shattering into the kind of shrapnel that would never again 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:06.880 tolerate space travel. She could hear the sound of Abigail 0:20:06.960 --> 0:20:12.040 hitting the pavement, the screaming Abigail's her own intrusive thoughts, 0:20:12.080 --> 0:20:14.439 horrible thoughts that she held on the back of her 0:20:14.480 --> 0:20:19.440 tongue to save her and never quite swallow. Mommy owl. 0:20:19.760 --> 0:20:23.320 Abigail protested, wringing her hand halfway free of surels. But 0:20:23.400 --> 0:20:25.320 she didn't pull all the way clear, and she didn't 0:20:25.320 --> 0:20:28.000 fumble into traffic, and her perfect legs carried them all 0:20:28.000 --> 0:20:30.440 the way down the street to the Amazon market, where 0:20:30.440 --> 0:20:34.720 the animated Cereal mascot sang Doggerel verses to Abigail, begging 0:20:34.800 --> 0:20:38.000 her to convince her mother to choose their variety of 0:20:38.080 --> 0:20:41.159 technicolor breakfast starch. And if you want to live in 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:44.119 a cyberpunk dystopia in which advertising shows up in the 0:20:44.119 --> 0:20:47.080 oddest of places, you can listen to this podcast or 0:20:47.280 --> 0:20:49.080 really a lot of things, because you do live in 0:20:49.119 --> 0:21:05.520 a cyberpunk dystopia. Congratulations, here's the advertisers. Sorrel meant for 0:21:05.560 --> 0:21:07.960 Abigail to get plenty of sleep, to be well adjusted 0:21:08.000 --> 0:21:11.680 and happy when she started her technical track pre kindergarten classes. 0:21:12.240 --> 0:21:14.200 Yet she woke her up three nights out of four, 0:21:14.640 --> 0:21:17.320 slipping into her big girl bed beneath the purple and 0:21:17.359 --> 0:21:21.080 green comforter, shuddering silently with tears that Abigail could not 0:21:21.160 --> 0:21:23.760 be allowed to hear, but which she certainly must have 0:21:23.800 --> 0:21:27.639 been able to feel. Go back to sleep, Baby, Sorrel 0:21:27.640 --> 0:21:32.000 begged every night, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The nights that 0:21:32.080 --> 0:21:34.480 she didn't wake Abigail up were the ones that came 0:21:34.560 --> 0:21:36.560 at the end of the days when she met her 0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:41.000 developmental unit lead singly or in groups with her future cohort. 0:21:41.480 --> 0:21:43.920 It was important that she spend time with the unit lead, 0:21:44.200 --> 0:21:47.480 a smiling tie woman with a kindergartener teacher's affect and 0:21:47.560 --> 0:21:51.680 an outminer's rangy stature. Adjusting to other adults and to 0:21:51.760 --> 0:21:54.800 her peer group would ensure an orderly, non traumatic transition, 0:21:55.280 --> 0:22:00.720 the Braxos Parent Handbook informed Sorel. Together, the ohort played 0:22:00.760 --> 0:22:03.760 what looked to them like games, activities that taught them 0:22:03.800 --> 0:22:06.400 how to work in teams, how to trust their intuition 0:22:06.520 --> 0:22:09.560 and each other. The unit lead was generous with praise 0:22:09.600 --> 0:22:12.960 and rewards alike. Abigail would come home from these meetings 0:22:13.000 --> 0:22:15.920 with her sweater covered in colorful stickers and explain each 0:22:15.960 --> 0:22:20.200 one's providence to Sorel over dinner. On those nights, Sorel's 0:22:20.200 --> 0:22:22.760 body was too heavy to lift from her bed the 0:22:22.800 --> 0:22:24.840 rest of the time, though, when she fumbled her way, 0:22:24.960 --> 0:22:27.560 half awake, into Abigail's room and roused her from her 0:22:27.600 --> 0:22:30.600 well earned sleep, she wrapped herself around a single, hard 0:22:30.720 --> 0:22:34.080 edged solace, the knowledge that a good mother wouldn't put 0:22:34.119 --> 0:22:36.880 her own emotional needs above those of her small child, 0:22:37.359 --> 0:22:39.280 that she wouldn't wake a little girl and leave her 0:22:39.320 --> 0:22:42.760