1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,360 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:38,519 Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space? What do you 12 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,159 Speaker 2: do when you outgrow people? Because sometimes when we have 13 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:45,360 Speaker 2: these conversations around what's bougie, what's not bougie, it's sometimes 14 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 2: it's a sign that you've outgrown from people. And do 15 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,400 Speaker 2: you remain around them? How do you act around them? 16 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:52,320 Speaker 2: Do you share what you're doing with them? Do you 17 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,040 Speaker 2: try to convert them and get them on the new journey? 18 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 2: Like I feel like it's a question we should ask 19 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,400 Speaker 2: ourselves and think about because they can either bring you 20 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 2: down sometimes or support you as you move up. 21 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:09,160 Speaker 3: When I initially hear that that piece of have we 22 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 3: outgrown people? I think about one of the energy that 23 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:24,640 Speaker 3: that person might be bringing you right, but then also 24 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:31,760 Speaker 3: thinking about something that you've mentioned in previous episodes about 25 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:36,479 Speaker 3: we don't know what that person's journey is, we don't 26 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,240 Speaker 3: know what that person might be dealing within that moment, 27 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:44,200 Speaker 3: and so I think where I'm really leaning on right 28 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 3: now is Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to 29 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:56,040 Speaker 3: uplifting women like you. We're your Posts Doctor Dominique Broussard, 30 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,920 Speaker 3: a college professor and psychologist. 31 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax and the motivational speaker in a world 32 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:08,079 Speaker 2: where Black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, Please join 33 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:13,399 Speaker 2: us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from fibroids 34 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:16,360 Speaker 2: to fake friends and create a safe space where black 35 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:17,960 Speaker 2: women can just be. 36 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:29,799 Speaker 3: Successful. Women still have their feet on the ground, They 37 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 3: just have better shoes. That quote comes to us from 38 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:38,880 Speaker 3: the legendary Oprah Winfrey. Now I'm going to read that 39 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:43,679 Speaker 3: quote one more time because I know when I initially 40 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,360 Speaker 3: saw it, I had to go over it a few 41 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:50,919 Speaker 3: times before it really resonated with me. And I'll dive 42 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 3: into why in a minute, but one more again, successful 43 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,440 Speaker 3: women still have their feet on the ground, They just 44 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 3: have better shoes. 45 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,919 Speaker 2: So dom I could tell you what that quote means 46 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,639 Speaker 2: to me? And then you can dive in or you 47 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:08,880 Speaker 2: can go first, which one. 48 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 3: I want to hear your reaction. 49 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,520 Speaker 2: Okay, I want to hear my honest reaction. Now, of 50 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:17,359 Speaker 2: course I'm not all right, no, But when I hear 51 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 2: this quote, I think, for me, the first part of 52 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 2: the quote, where it says successful women still have their 53 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,920 Speaker 2: feet on the ground, to me, that means a successful 54 00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:29,200 Speaker 2: women are grounded, right, They're still human beings, they're normal, 55 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 2: they have struggles, they're humble, right, they're grounded. But then 56 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:36,160 Speaker 2: the second part I'm just like, and that's they just 57 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 2: have better shoes. I think for me, the reason I 58 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 2: don't really resonate with that part is because I would 59 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,160 Speaker 2: consider myself to be a successful woman in my own right, 60 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 2: but my shoes aren't necessarily better, Like just because I 61 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 2: might be versue and successful, Like I still shop at 62 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,360 Speaker 2: thrift stores and pay Less and Ross and Burlings and 63 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,520 Speaker 2: go Factory, I don't really have a lot of name 64 00:03:56,560 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 2: branded items and things. Maybe when I have more will 65 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 2: income in the future, maybe I will. But I just 66 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,120 Speaker 2: think that I know I hear that it kind of 67 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:09,720 Speaker 2: comes off a little I guess a braggadocius. In my opinion, 68 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:11,960 Speaker 2: that's just me though, what about you? What do you think? 69 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,800 Speaker 3: So two things to come up for me. The first 70 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:20,400 Speaker 3: time I heard it, I was like, Oh, that's a 71 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:28,040 Speaker 3: Elita shit. Oh my shoes are better than yours. Oh, 72 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 3: because I'm rocking jimmy choos, I'm better than you. Then 73 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 3: I was like, wait, hold on, let me think a 74 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:41,279 Speaker 3: little bit deeper. And what do we mean by better? 75 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:48,600 Speaker 3: Does better mean that I'm wearing a pair of shoes 76 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:54,920 Speaker 3: that fits my health requirements? So I know, the older 77 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,800 Speaker 3: we get, the more health issues we have, or the 78 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,279 Speaker 3: more rare more likely to take care of things. So 79 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,120 Speaker 3: let's say that I have some type of food condition, 80 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,080 Speaker 3: and I'm not even going to try to spout off 81 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 3: of what those foot conditions are because I'm not a diatrist. 82 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 3: So let's say that I have a food condition and 83 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 3: it requires that I wear an orthopedic shoe, right. Or 84 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 3: let's say that I'm at an age where I'm not 85 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,919 Speaker 3: about impressing people anymore. So when I say I have 86 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:36,320 Speaker 3: better shoes, that means that those shoes feel better for me. 87 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:45,880 Speaker 3: I'm more putting comfort over style or money or comfort 88 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,919 Speaker 3: is the first thing that comes to mind for me 89 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,160 Speaker 3: is first in my priority list. So that's why the 90 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:56,280 Speaker 3: shoes might be better shoes. So it's like qualifying what 91 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 3: does better really mean? 92 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:04,559 Speaker 2: Which is better mean? But then even what does bougie mean? 93 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 3: Right? 94 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,839 Speaker 2: Because I know we've all heard it before, someone you 95 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,760 Speaker 2: say you like a certain thing. So I was like, oh, 96 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 2: you bougie, And I feel like for the most part, 97 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,200 Speaker 2: and the situations that I've been in when someone has 98 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 2: said it to me and when someone has said it 99 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 2: to others around me, we usually defy that. We're just 100 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,039 Speaker 2: like no, or we deny it, right, We're like, I'm 101 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,080 Speaker 2: not bougie. So what does bougie even mean? Like if 102 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,800 Speaker 2: we had to think about that. 103 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,680 Speaker 3: Well, let's dive into the a little bit. So let 104 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,200 Speaker 3: me back off the same we're going to dive in 105 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:38,880 Speaker 3: because we're not historians. Well, let's touch on the historical 106 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 3: context of where bougie originated. So bougie is a stemword 107 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:54,279 Speaker 3: of bourgeois or bourgeois, however you choose to pronounce it. 108 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 3: It's a French word that means a middle class status. 109 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 3: Now in America, what does middle class status actually mean? 110 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 3: We don't know, who knows what I will say, though, 111 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 3: a friend shared with me a while ago, and this 112 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:24,720 Speaker 3: article or this link to the Pew Research Center Income Calculator, 113 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,680 Speaker 3: and we'll have that link in our show notes so 114 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 3: that you can go and play on it and figure 115 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:35,760 Speaker 3: out your socioeconomic status for yourself. But what it requires 116 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 3: is that you put in your income, you put in 117 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 3: your household size, and you put in the state that 118 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,040 Speaker 3: you the state that you live in, and then you 119 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:50,320 Speaker 3: can narrow it down to metro region. And what that 120 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 3: does is it offers you the opportunity according to their 121 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:58,400 Speaker 3: statistics or their algorithms, they will calculate. You put that 122 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 3: information in and they will calculate determine what your social 123 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 3: class is. So I think the thing to keep in 124 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:10,360 Speaker 3: mind go with that is that it's all relative. So 125 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:15,760 Speaker 3: let's say, for instance, I'm making one hundred and seventy 126 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:22,720 Speaker 3: five thousand. To me, that sounds like upper class status, right, 127 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 3: But depending on your location, that might not be. 128 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,680 Speaker 2: She San Francisco. 129 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:34,079 Speaker 3: Here we go, right, But if you put that in 130 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 3: to the Pew Research Center, one hundred and seventy five 131 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 3: thousand and a household income I mean a household of 132 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:49,640 Speaker 3: one that would be considered upper class status. Right, But 133 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 3: let's try it with multiple people in the household. Okay, 134 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:03,520 Speaker 3: So let's say that I live in California in the 135 00:09:03,559 --> 00:09:06,840 Speaker 3: Bay Area. I make one hundred and seventy five thousand 136 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:11,200 Speaker 3: dollars a year. That's my household income. Four people in 137 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:17,280 Speaker 3: my household, So maybe we're living to quote unquote American 138 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:24,960 Speaker 3: dream me a partner to kids. Right. According to the 139 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,440 Speaker 3: Pew Research Center, at one hundred and seventy five thousand 140 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,440 Speaker 3: dollars for four people in the household in the Bay Area, 141 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 3: I'm considered middle class. 142 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,479 Speaker 2: Question do they factor in student loans? 143 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 3: They don't ask those questions. 144 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,040 Speaker 2: Going to say, I don't want to do this research 145 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,240 Speaker 2: study because I got these student loans on my back. 146 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,520 Speaker 2: We broke and poured. So nope. 147 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 3: Okay, but let's say same income one hundred and seventy 148 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:59,080 Speaker 3: five thousand dollars a year, and I moved to Georgia 149 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 3: in the metro Atlanta area. 150 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, amazing family of four. 151 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 3: I'm considered upper class rich rich. 152 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:13,559 Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, okay, So I saw this very interesting article 153 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 2: on I think it was Vice dot com, and it 154 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 2: said saying that's bougie is often used to mock the 155 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:25,520 Speaker 2: pretentious consumer habits of an aspirational social climber. So it's 156 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,960 Speaker 2: like somebody that's trying to act like they're rich rich 157 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:32,720 Speaker 2: and you see or or they're just trying to sort 158 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:36,679 Speaker 2: of climb the ladder of the certain status and people 159 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:38,840 Speaker 2: see that like, oh, you bougie. But when I think 160 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 2: about different situations where someone has said that I'm bougie, 161 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 2: it's either around quality that I've demanded or some kind 162 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:51,839 Speaker 2: of standard that I said, or even in situations where 163 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,320 Speaker 2: I might have wanted something that maybe the people I 164 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,600 Speaker 2: was around didn't want or have. And so for instance, 165 00:10:59,679 --> 00:11:02,440 Speaker 2: I'll see, I remember when I moved away from home 166 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,680 Speaker 2: and I started living a different lifestyle right because I 167 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,320 Speaker 2: was in a different space. For instance, I just moved 168 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,839 Speaker 2: to California, right, well not just but like four years ago, 169 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,000 Speaker 2: moved to California, and I had people say, oh, you 170 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:16,000 Speaker 2: Hollywood now, and I'm like, yo, just because I live 171 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,960 Speaker 2: in California, I'm Hollywood, Like what do you? What do 172 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 2: you mean? And for me, that's like a little like 173 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 2: low key yuboujie. 174 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 3: You know, first of all, Hollywood a small section of 175 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 3: a huge city exactly in a huge state. So how 176 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 3: were we saying that? 177 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,480 Speaker 2: Okay, yes, that was one. 178 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:47,680 Speaker 3: But when I hear that, what I really think about 179 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:55,600 Speaker 3: is not so much that they are jealous, which would 180 00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:59,599 Speaker 3: be the case, but more so we really want to 181 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 3: tap it to the humanity of people are living for 182 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:05,360 Speaker 3: the good and people. It's more of a comment on 183 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:11,560 Speaker 3: them subconsciously asking are you gonna leave me? Are you 184 00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:15,079 Speaker 3: gonna abandon me? Am, I'm not gonna be good enough 185 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 3: for you anymore. 186 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,679 Speaker 2: That's interesting that you say that, because I think about 187 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 2: even when you know, I went away to college, right, 188 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 2: and there were some family members or friends that stayed 189 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,840 Speaker 2: home and they look at you now like, oh you bougie. 190 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,160 Speaker 2: You going to college. But it's like, what usually when 191 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,839 Speaker 2: I hear you bougie, It's like there's like a negative connotation, 192 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,840 Speaker 2: even though you might be doing something positive, even though 193 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 2: you might be doing something that you enjoy or something 194 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,959 Speaker 2: that is good for you or you know, it's a 195 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,880 Speaker 2: quality experience, right, it's still like, oh you bougie, but 196 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,840 Speaker 2: this like little sink, this little side eye, this little stink, 197 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 2: you know, tone. And so I think about that even 198 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 2: when you wear something in particular, or like I was 199 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,640 Speaker 2: telling dom Dom and I had dinner, and I was 200 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,360 Speaker 2: saying that I now have a higher standard when I 201 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,559 Speaker 2: go to hotels. I used to go to the motels 202 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,200 Speaker 2: when I was trying to save money, and now I'm 203 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 2: at a place where I'm like, I've been to too many. 204 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,280 Speaker 2: I've done my time. Okay, I've been in the roach 205 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,040 Speaker 2: hotels where I slept in the bed, and I was like, 206 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,600 Speaker 2: I hope I don't tell you that bugs on. And 207 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,320 Speaker 2: I'm just I value my comfort these days, and I 208 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,960 Speaker 2: travel so much that I'm like, how many starts? How 209 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 2: many stars? This hotel guy? And for some people, they 210 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 2: might be like, oh, she bougie, and maybe I need 211 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,800 Speaker 2: to get more comfortable with embracing them. Maybe I am 212 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,520 Speaker 2: bougie in some of god, right, because I have a 213 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 2: higher standard for certain things in my life. 214 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:28,000 Speaker 3: Right. 215 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 2: And so what about you, Like, when have you heard 216 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,600 Speaker 2: people in your family, or people in your neighborhood or 217 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,800 Speaker 2: your friends say, oh you bougie girl. You doesn't change, right? 218 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,960 Speaker 2: You hear all that stuff when you begin to do 219 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,040 Speaker 2: things that people around you have not done or they 220 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,360 Speaker 2: aren't accustomed to. Right. 221 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 3: Make sure you go and check out the her Space 222 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:51,160 Speaker 3: sanctuary on Facebook and share with us your stories of bougiess. 223 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,559 Speaker 3: So is it that someone in your family has called 224 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:59,199 Speaker 3: you bougie and you didn't resonate with that, or maybe 225 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,440 Speaker 3: you have called someone in your family bougie and why 226 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,640 Speaker 3: did you do that? Like what was coming up for 227 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,680 Speaker 3: you that made you share that or made you call 228 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:08,480 Speaker 3: them out on that? 229 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,960 Speaker 2: What about you? Don when off you had someone say 230 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,880 Speaker 2: that you're blue, She's like, what's an example of that? 231 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:20,480 Speaker 2: Half my life? Really? Like what I So? 232 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:28,640 Speaker 3: I recognized that I've always, like had an appreciation for 233 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:34,520 Speaker 3: high class material things, right, And I call it high 234 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:39,680 Speaker 3: class because it's I've just I've always had expensive tastes 235 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:43,600 Speaker 3: and I haven't. I can't help it. I recall like 236 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:49,280 Speaker 3: being a kid and going shopping for Easter dresses or 237 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:53,640 Speaker 3: Christmas dresses, and my grandmother would take us to the store. 238 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,600 Speaker 3: My mom would be there too, but my grandmother was 239 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,560 Speaker 3: usually like helping my mom help us pick stuff out. 240 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,880 Speaker 3: And I would pick out one thing and my mom 241 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,560 Speaker 3: would look at the price tag. And I never looked 242 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,040 Speaker 3: at the price ax because you're a kid, why are 243 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,360 Speaker 3: you paying? It's just the price tax. So I never 244 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:12,280 Speaker 3: looked at the price tag, and I can distinctly. Recall 245 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,280 Speaker 3: I had to be in like the fifth or sixth grade, 246 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:19,840 Speaker 3: and I remember we were picking out Eastern dresses and 247 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,920 Speaker 3: my mom. I showed my mom this one dress or 248 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,080 Speaker 3: it was like a suit situation. In hindsight, when I 249 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,240 Speaker 3: look at that, I'm like, oh my gosh, what were 250 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,960 Speaker 3: you thinking? That's what it is. But back then, like 251 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,760 Speaker 3: I thought that that's what that meant to, like that 252 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:41,479 Speaker 3: represented what it meant to look like you had stads. 253 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,080 Speaker 3: And so I remember showing the dress to my mom 254 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,840 Speaker 3: and my mom being like, I'm not paying for that 255 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,840 Speaker 3: because it was full of price, right, and then my 256 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 3: grandmother coming in and saying, well, don't worry about it, 257 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:55,400 Speaker 3: I'll pay for it. 258 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,000 Speaker 2: That's right, good old grandmoms. 259 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:03,320 Speaker 3: I love my grandmothers up my grades, not just because 260 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:07,040 Speaker 3: she would always come in and say the expensive items. 261 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:13,520 Speaker 3: But I think it started there, like early on, like 262 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 3: I would and I don't you know, I haven't fully 263 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 3: tapped into what was I watching, what was I reading 264 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:26,720 Speaker 3: that was leading me in that direction, And so as 265 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:31,120 Speaker 3: I grew older, I would have tastes and expensive things. Hell, 266 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,120 Speaker 3: I still have tastes and expensive things now, I'm just 267 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 3: in a space where I'm a little realistic and I'm like, well, yes, 268 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,560 Speaker 3: that those five hundred dollars pair of shoes look amazing, 269 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,400 Speaker 3: but my bank account doesn't say I'm about to spend 270 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,080 Speaker 3: five hundred dollars on a pair of shoes, so. 271 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,680 Speaker 2: I won't. 272 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,960 Speaker 3: What I will do, though, is I'll try to find 273 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:02,600 Speaker 3: a deal, so I'm end up having those five hundred 274 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:07,560 Speaker 3: dollars pair of shoes. I just found it on discount somewhere. 275 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,960 Speaker 3: And when I say discount, I mean hell of discount. 276 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 2: Like the low low. You got it for the low, 277 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:18,840 Speaker 2: like free love. I love it. And it makes me 278 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:21,639 Speaker 2: think about the fact that sometimes people will say you're 279 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,560 Speaker 2: bougie as a joke. Right, it's just like a little 280 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,920 Speaker 2: inside of like girl, you're doing the most, or you 281 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:29,639 Speaker 2: just you want something that's high class, high quality. 282 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:29,960 Speaker 3: Right. 283 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,240 Speaker 2: Sometimes it comes out of jealousy where people maybe you're 284 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,040 Speaker 2: doing something they wish they could do, and they kind 285 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,399 Speaker 2: of want to put you down with the you know 286 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,600 Speaker 2: how you could throw sideways compliments where you're like, yo, 287 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,680 Speaker 2: you should have just cover your mouth shut, like why 288 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,679 Speaker 2: you even why you even over for your mouth? Right, 289 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,200 Speaker 2: It's like to make you feel bad or guilty. About 290 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:46,800 Speaker 2: what you're doing. 291 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:50,320 Speaker 3: But I when I hear that, you go back to 292 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 3: what I said earlier about are they really coming from 293 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:59,879 Speaker 3: a place of jealousy or are they really is it 294 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:04,879 Speaker 3: really more and so about them? Yeah? Right, like and 295 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,760 Speaker 3: so for me, like I know, like my initial reaction 296 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:12,639 Speaker 3: is oftentimes to be like, that's on them. They just ma, 297 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:16,520 Speaker 3: they ain't got where I'm at, right, But if I 298 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:21,600 Speaker 3: step back and I keep trying to like it's my 299 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,119 Speaker 3: growth area, like looking for the humanity in the person 300 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:31,479 Speaker 3: and looking for the good in the person. Okay, So 301 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:34,800 Speaker 3: initially it may come across that they might be jealous, right, 302 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:40,239 Speaker 3: But why are they coming across as jealous? Is it 303 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:45,919 Speaker 3: because I'm doing something that they've wanted to do and 304 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:53,480 Speaker 3: they're afraid to do. Or I'm doing something that points 305 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:57,959 Speaker 3: out something that they might be insecure about and so 306 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:08,400 Speaker 3: or or again they're afraid that me liking these things 307 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,680 Speaker 3: is a statement about how I feel about them. 308 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a good one too, which. 309 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:21,960 Speaker 3: Your actuality is not the case at all. Right, My 310 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:29,920 Speaker 3: taste in shoes, my preference for no less than a 311 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 3: three and a half star hotel. 312 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,800 Speaker 2: Amen, that's about me. 313 00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:42,400 Speaker 3: That's not a common on anyone else. 314 00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 2: For sure. I think that's true. I think there are 315 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,119 Speaker 2: so many reasons why people might use it, and it 316 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,320 Speaker 2: could be something that they're dealing with personally. It could 317 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,760 Speaker 2: be jealousy. It could be the fear like you mentioned earlier, 318 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:58,240 Speaker 2: you leaving them. It could be just something so like innocent, right, 319 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 2: like literally, oh girl, you likehigh class stuff, right, like 320 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 2: you have high standards like. It could be various reasons, 321 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 2: and so it just makes me think about the fact 322 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:09,840 Speaker 2: that sometimes we maybeed to just reframe the way that 323 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,280 Speaker 2: we see it, because I know, for me personally, it 324 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:14,320 Speaker 2: has always been this negative thing that I denied where 325 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,560 Speaker 2: I'm like, no, I'm not bougie, but I mean maybe 326 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,600 Speaker 2: moving forward, I might just okay, yeah, I am all 327 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,320 Speaker 2: right next like okay, like it doesn't matter, right, I 328 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:25,800 Speaker 2: do like high class things in certain regards. And one 329 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,480 Speaker 2: thing that reminds me of is when I was at 330 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,199 Speaker 2: home recently, I was talking to my family and I 331 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,959 Speaker 2: was so uncomfortable because I was talking to family and 332 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,800 Speaker 2: I said something like, yeah, you know, I went to 333 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:38,120 Speaker 2: acupuncture in mind you before I moved to San Francisco, 334 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,720 Speaker 2: Like I hadn't done a lot of different things like 335 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,120 Speaker 2: I've had done stuff, but like there are certain things 336 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:47,240 Speaker 2: that are very specific to San Francisco in general, where 337 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,280 Speaker 2: like we're very free and open and like, you know, 338 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,919 Speaker 2: health conscious place and a pet friendly. I mean, dogs 339 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,159 Speaker 2: are everywhere right and I love it. It's cool. It 340 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,480 Speaker 2: was new for me, but like now I've embraced it. 341 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,919 Speaker 2: We bring dogs to work. And I tried acupuncture for 342 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 2: some personal reasons. And I said that when I was 343 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,159 Speaker 2: at home in Philly and they looked at me and 344 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,240 Speaker 2: they were like, acupunks, You're like, And I was like, 345 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 2: oh shit, And I told myself, I was like, you 346 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 2: got to calm down. You can't talk about all the 347 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 2: things you do because you don't want to. I just 348 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,280 Speaker 2: thought I didn't want to separate myself from the people 349 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,960 Speaker 2: I was with when I was already so different because 350 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,479 Speaker 2: I've I just I've moved you up. When you move 351 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,520 Speaker 2: away from home sometimes and you just you experience new things, 352 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,879 Speaker 2: you elevate, you grow, you evolve, You're just into different 353 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,879 Speaker 2: stuff now when you go back home. At least for me, 354 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,040 Speaker 2: like I want to still fit into a certain regard. 355 00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:36,080 Speaker 2: I still want to be in some regard at the 356 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,840 Speaker 2: same me, even though I have evolved, but it's like 357 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,360 Speaker 2: trying to find a balance for me sometimes, or it's 358 00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:43,440 Speaker 2: like fitting in but then also being true to who 359 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,800 Speaker 2: I am. And so I don't think it's a bad thing, 360 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,600 Speaker 2: but it's just a matter of how do you act 361 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:53,880 Speaker 2: around the people that you've been with. When you do change. 362 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:59,800 Speaker 3: You own it. And part of that comes from me 363 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,200 Speaker 3: in a space where you really are comfortable and competent 364 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:08,520 Speaker 3: in who you are. Right, because when we truly are 365 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 3: comfortable and competent in who we are, we're not worried about, well, 366 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,320 Speaker 3: what's my family going to say? Unless your family is 367 00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:24,200 Speaker 3: financing you, we don't have to worry about what they're 368 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:28,199 Speaker 3: going to say about our decisions because it's our life, 369 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:32,680 Speaker 3: right And so when I hear that, and I rest 370 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:35,280 Speaker 3: up with that too at different points in my life, 371 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,360 Speaker 3: or when I hear that, I think about, well, who 372 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:43,240 Speaker 3: am I really living for? Am I living for those 373 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:49,960 Speaker 3: around me? Or am I living for myself? And when 374 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:56,440 Speaker 3: we're living for ourselves, we make decisions that are hopefully 375 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:03,359 Speaker 3: healthy and feel good for us, and we know that 376 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:08,440 Speaker 3: they might not meet the approval of others, but we 377 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:12,159 Speaker 3: still stay vermin This is a healthy choice for me 378 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,200 Speaker 3: and maybe we need to have a dialogue around why 379 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 3: my choices are making you uncomfortable, and that could actually 380 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:30,959 Speaker 3: open up the space for some healing or some transformation 381 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,280 Speaker 3: within your relationships with those people. So if we take 382 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:40,119 Speaker 3: your example of going to acupuncture, I would say, right on, 383 00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:44,440 Speaker 3: since tell them that you want to acupuncture and help 384 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:50,159 Speaker 3: dispel the mynts associated with what it means to have acupuncture. 385 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,840 Speaker 2: That's a good point. That's definitely a good point, Dom 386 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,840 Speaker 2: And I feel like I'm torn in some regard because 387 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,000 Speaker 2: I think I think the acupuncture that was a good example, 388 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,960 Speaker 2: Like I would definitely do that. But at the same time, 389 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,280 Speaker 2: I feel like in some situations where you may evolve 390 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,080 Speaker 2: and change, you might be working on different things and 391 00:24:06,119 --> 00:24:08,199 Speaker 2: you go into a different space or a space with 392 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,000 Speaker 2: like people that you may have grown up with or 393 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,200 Speaker 2: people that are back home and you're not home anymore. 394 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,359 Speaker 2: And I feel that sometimes certain things that you choose 395 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:16,919 Speaker 2: to do, or certain things that you do in your 396 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,520 Speaker 2: life don't necessarily need to be shared with them if 397 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 2: you know that they don't really have the capacity to 398 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:25,080 Speaker 2: handle it. And so if you're let's say that you 399 00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:28,600 Speaker 2: are working on doing a triathlone or something right, and 400 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:31,520 Speaker 2: you know that your family like that's not exercise running, 401 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,119 Speaker 2: that's not their thing, Like they don't do any of 402 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:37,119 Speaker 2: the activity stuff. And if you have an inkling that 403 00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:39,359 Speaker 2: they'll be negative about it, or that they'll judge you, 404 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:42,159 Speaker 2: or that they'll think a certain way, sometimes I'm like, 405 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,160 Speaker 2: why even like certain things maybe don't bring up because 406 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 2: do you really are you interested in having that conversation 407 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 2: on like, oh, this is why I'm doing it? Or 408 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,160 Speaker 2: do you even want that negative energy to be sort 409 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,440 Speaker 2: of projected onto you? And so it kind of makes 410 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:57,919 Speaker 2: me think about sort of a time and place. And 411 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:01,000 Speaker 2: then also as you grow you might outlo people. It 412 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,520 Speaker 2: may not necessarily be something that you might want to 413 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,760 Speaker 2: share with them because of just where they are in 414 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,119 Speaker 2: their life, if that makes sense. 415 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:09,960 Speaker 3: And so when I hear that example, then I'm like, 416 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:18,040 Speaker 3: I'm torn, right because I hear, oh, triathlon, that's dope 417 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:22,960 Speaker 3: as hell. I'm not about here trying to but it's 418 00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:25,399 Speaker 3: dope as hell for you to do, right, Let me 419 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,160 Speaker 3: know that. Let me tell me how I can support 420 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,359 Speaker 3: you in the process. And so you see how even 421 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:36,000 Speaker 3: in that example that ain't my thing, but I'm willing 422 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,800 Speaker 3: to support you in that. So I own that that 423 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,360 Speaker 3: ain't my thing, but I'm going to figure out how 424 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,120 Speaker 3: to be supportive of you. So I would still want 425 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:49,280 Speaker 3: you to share that with me, right, But that's also 426 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:53,360 Speaker 3: me recognizing that I'm the space that I'm in. And 427 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 3: so then so then what comes The next piece that 428 00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:02,840 Speaker 3: comes up is, so I hear you on I'm not 429 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,520 Speaker 3: I need to protect my own energy. And so if 430 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:10,880 Speaker 3: I know that circle or that person, and I know 431 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:16,040 Speaker 3: that that person generally is not going to be supportive 432 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:20,000 Speaker 3: of this for whatever the reason is, then yes, maybe 433 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:23,560 Speaker 3: I'm not gonna share it with them because I need 434 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 3: to protect my energy. Exactly, I'm a triathlon I've never 435 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 3: done it. Like I said, that ain't my thing. Yeah, 436 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,680 Speaker 3: I could imagine that that would require people who are 437 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,240 Speaker 3: really supportive of you, because that sounds like something that's 438 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:43,080 Speaker 3: difficult to help. And so if you don't have someone 439 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:47,080 Speaker 3: who is really gonna be in your corner, really be 440 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:52,160 Speaker 3: a cheerleader, then yes, you may want to withshold even 441 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:56,080 Speaker 3: if that's even if that's your person from way back, 442 00:26:56,800 --> 00:27:01,959 Speaker 3: like y'all go back to Dinose, Yeah, if that person 443 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:06,120 Speaker 3: generally is not supportive of those type of ventures, then 444 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 3: you may need to hold back. But let's say that 445 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:16,160 Speaker 3: it is a person who they vacillated between being supportive 446 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:22,240 Speaker 3: and being negative. I might just take the chance and 447 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,879 Speaker 3: see what happens. And if they're not going to be supportive, 448 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:31,800 Speaker 3: then I don't speaking it anymore. But they may turn 449 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:35,680 Speaker 3: around and say, yeah, that ain't my thing, but how 450 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:37,439 Speaker 3: can I support you? Let me know the date and 451 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:38,120 Speaker 3: I can be there. 452 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:41,440 Speaker 2: Yeah. I think that's true, and that's spot on. It's 453 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,359 Speaker 2: like if you know the energy of someone and you're like, 454 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,399 Speaker 2: I'm trying to protect my energy. I don't really want 455 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,439 Speaker 2: any negativity, then it's like maybe not. But sometimes, like 456 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:49,800 Speaker 2: you said, if I were to share it with you, 457 00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:52,119 Speaker 2: it would be different because you're like, girl, that's not 458 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:54,280 Speaker 2: my thing, but I got you. I'll support you. And 459 00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 2: it just it makes me think about how we do 460 00:27:57,119 --> 00:27:59,960 Speaker 2: outgo people at times. I think about sometimes I don't know, 461 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,000 Speaker 2: do you often say to your friends like, oh girl, 462 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 2: you bougie? Is that something that you say or do 463 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:04,840 Speaker 2: people usually say it to you? 464 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:05,720 Speaker 3: People say that to me? 465 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,359 Speaker 2: Okay, same here, And I feel like and if you 466 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:11,040 Speaker 2: are a person lady that says oh girl, you bougie, 467 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,120 Speaker 2: like this is not a slight against you by any means. 468 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,640 Speaker 2: I just know that in my experience personally, it's usually 469 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 2: a certain type of person that says you bougie. Right, 470 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,720 Speaker 2: Like I have a girlfriend her and her husband. I 471 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:25,760 Speaker 2: think they they're getting a test lesson. And to hear that, 472 00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:27,760 Speaker 2: I had to even check myself because part of me 473 00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:30,680 Speaker 2: was like, oh, damn, a shot. But it's not. It's 474 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,760 Speaker 2: not coming from a place of like jealousy, right, because 475 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,919 Speaker 2: what do I want to test I don't know. That's 476 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,399 Speaker 2: the what we do. If I could afford it, I might, 477 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:38,960 Speaker 2: I might want to get one. Yeah, So I can't 478 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,800 Speaker 2: even say I don't want one. But it's more like 479 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:44,400 Speaker 2: they are just they have high standards, and I admire 480 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,760 Speaker 2: them for the standards they have. They just when they 481 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,320 Speaker 2: go in, they just they go in like they big 482 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,200 Speaker 2: ball and they out here doing stuff in the world 483 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:53,560 Speaker 2: and got real estate and they're just doing all these 484 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:58,120 Speaker 2: amazing things. And for me, it's aspirational. So if I 485 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:01,000 Speaker 2: were to say girl, y'all bougie or you bougie, it 486 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,640 Speaker 2: wouldn't come off that, it wouldn't be a negative connotation, 487 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:06,240 Speaker 2: that wouldn't mean it in a negative way. But I 488 00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:07,920 Speaker 2: don't say it because that's just not my thing. But 489 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:10,600 Speaker 2: the people that typically do, I feel like it's just 490 00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:12,560 Speaker 2: like a certain person, right. And I'll give you an example. 491 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,960 Speaker 2: So one of my girlfriends years ago, we were having 492 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:20,560 Speaker 2: a conversation and I literally I made a comment about 493 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:24,120 Speaker 2: something because we were I forget what we were discussing, 494 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:28,040 Speaker 2: but I made a comment and her response was, well, 495 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,480 Speaker 2: I know, just because you have a master's degree don't 496 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:33,000 Speaker 2: mean da da da da. And I was like, what 497 00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:35,760 Speaker 2: where did that come from? Like I didn't mention nothing 498 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:38,920 Speaker 2: about no degree what? And I know that what I said, 499 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,680 Speaker 2: even though I don't remember the conversation. I'm not the 500 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:42,840 Speaker 2: kind of person that's like going around, where are my 501 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,880 Speaker 2: degree on my shoulder? Like you're everybody got a degree here, 502 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,240 Speaker 2: and that's just not my thing. So for her to 503 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 2: say that, it showed me where she was and what 504 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:54,440 Speaker 2: maybe her and security was around how far she got 505 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:56,760 Speaker 2: in school and all that, because she was just so 506 00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:59,400 Speaker 2: adamant to bring that up and it was literally random 507 00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:02,080 Speaker 2: as hell, and I was just like, oh, but I 508 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:05,760 Speaker 2: would love for us to dive into like what do 509 00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:08,400 Speaker 2: you do when you outgrow people? Because sometimes when we 510 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:11,960 Speaker 2: have these conversations around what's bougie, what's not bougie. It's 511 00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:15,240 Speaker 2: sometimes it's a sign that you've outgrown some people, and 512 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:17,800 Speaker 2: do you remain around them? How do you act around them? 513 00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:19,719 Speaker 2: Do you share what you're doing with them? Do you 514 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:22,400 Speaker 2: try to convert them and get them on the new journey? 515 00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:24,560 Speaker 2: Like I feel like it's a question we should ask 516 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:26,800 Speaker 2: ourselves and think about because they can either bring you 517 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:29,920 Speaker 2: down sometimes or support you as you move up. 518 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:36,560 Speaker 3: When I initially hear that that piece of have we 519 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:46,440 Speaker 3: outgrown people? I think about one of the energy that 520 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:52,040 Speaker 3: that person might be bringing you right, but then also 521 00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:59,160 Speaker 3: thinking about something that you've mentioned in previous episodes about 522 00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:03,840 Speaker 3: we don't know what that person's journey is, We don't 523 00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:06,640 Speaker 3: know what that person might be dealing within that moment, 524 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:11,600 Speaker 3: And so I think where I'm really leaning on right 525 00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:14,520 Speaker 3: now is giving people space. 526 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:15,600 Speaker 2: Right. 527 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:21,480 Speaker 3: So, if I have that friend who I feel like 528 00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:28,760 Speaker 3: I've outgrown because we're pursuing different avenues in life, I 529 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,880 Speaker 3: need to step back and think about what does it 530 00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:37,280 Speaker 3: mean for me? Why do I feel like I've outgrown 531 00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:42,480 Speaker 3: that person? So? Is it because my values are different? 532 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:52,480 Speaker 3: Or is it because my social standing is different? Is 533 00:31:52,520 --> 00:32:01,400 Speaker 3: it because my geographical location is different, like really stepping 534 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:08,760 Speaker 3: back and examining myself first, right, and trying to identify 535 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:17,040 Speaker 3: where I am in this process. So if I'm looking 536 00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:21,640 Speaker 3: at a friend or family member from back home, and 537 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:25,480 Speaker 3: let's say that, like we go with the example that 538 00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:30,360 Speaker 3: you gave of, Okay, I have this graduate degree and 539 00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:35,280 Speaker 3: I have this friend from back home who doesn't have 540 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:42,240 Speaker 3: this degree, and for whatever reason, they're not trying to 541 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:48,680 Speaker 3: pursue it. Now that I have this degree, what's different 542 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:54,320 Speaker 3: about me? Is it just my degree and my income 543 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,720 Speaker 3: or have my overall value you shifted? Because if my 544 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:05,320 Speaker 3: overall values not the things that are not the things 545 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:10,040 Speaker 3: that I choose to do. But if my overall values 546 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:14,440 Speaker 3: have shifted, then yes I might have outgrown that person. 547 00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:20,400 Speaker 3: But if it's I have a different education level and 548 00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:24,160 Speaker 3: my income is a little different, so now I have 549 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:33,480 Speaker 3: access to different things, then I haven't outgrown that person. 550 00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:37,880 Speaker 3: If our values are still the same, I haven't outgrown them. 551 00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:42,200 Speaker 3: I just have different experiences. And maybe maybe I might 552 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,280 Speaker 3: need to either give that person a little bit of 553 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:52,040 Speaker 3: space and time, or if I know this person well enough, 554 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:58,360 Speaker 3: maybe I could dive into a conversation with them about Hey, 555 00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:01,480 Speaker 3: I see this as like you can mentioning me having 556 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:05,920 Speaker 3: this master's degree, I'm curious about what that really means 557 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:09,640 Speaker 3: to you and how you're seeing me, how I might 558 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,720 Speaker 3: be coming off to you now that this has changed 559 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:13,160 Speaker 3: about me. 560 00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:16,000 Speaker 2: That's a really good point. And I had two different 561 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:19,719 Speaker 2: situations where one was a situation where the relationship to 562 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,640 Speaker 2: me wasn't really worth me having a conversation. It was 563 00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,000 Speaker 2: a situation where someone I really got a lot of 564 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:28,120 Speaker 2: like negative energy from this person. It wasn't anything that 565 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:30,960 Speaker 2: I could really like point out, but it was something. 566 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,680 Speaker 2: It was one of those relationships or friendships where I 567 00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:35,520 Speaker 2: was giving a lot more than I was getting and 568 00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:38,200 Speaker 2: I was just like, well, damn. Like what I had 569 00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:40,880 Speaker 2: to do was sit with myself and think, Okay, you know, 570 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:43,480 Speaker 2: when I look at our relationship, no it's not a 571 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,080 Speaker 2: tit for tat type of thing, but like I check 572 00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:48,840 Speaker 2: up on you, I text you, I call you. You know, 573 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:50,799 Speaker 2: I'm there for you. I do these things for you, 574 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:53,200 Speaker 2: and you're not really there for me, or you'll blow 575 00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:55,040 Speaker 2: me off. And so at that point I just kind 576 00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:57,080 Speaker 2: of let it fizzle out on its own. I was like, Okay, 577 00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,920 Speaker 2: in that case, I felt as though we outgrew out 578 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,200 Speaker 2: with the relationship. Maybe we outgrow each other because it 579 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:07,480 Speaker 2: no longer it was no longer a serving relationship or 580 00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:11,480 Speaker 2: a mutually beneficial relationship because it just wasn't a very 581 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:14,600 Speaker 2: good energy exchange. I had another situation where a friend 582 00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:16,239 Speaker 2: I knew she was going through a hard time, but 583 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,319 Speaker 2: I was trying to reach out, trying to connect with her, 584 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:20,520 Speaker 2: and I didn't hear it from her for months. So 585 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:22,640 Speaker 2: she was like giving me these one off, like these 586 00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:25,239 Speaker 2: one word sort of text messages, and we finally had 587 00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:27,160 Speaker 2: a chance to talk, and I made sure she was 588 00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:30,360 Speaker 2: okay first, but I value this friendship and relationship, and 589 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:32,520 Speaker 2: I was just like, yo, what's going on. She told 590 00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:34,040 Speaker 2: me what was going on, and I was like okay, 591 00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:35,840 Speaker 2: and I just said, it sounds like you're in a 592 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:38,760 Speaker 2: better space for future reference, Like if something like this happens, 593 00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:40,399 Speaker 2: can you at least let me know, like I need 594 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,360 Speaker 2: space or let me know something so that I know 595 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:44,400 Speaker 2: that I don't have to create this narrative in my 596 00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:46,040 Speaker 2: head where I'm like, oh, well, I guess she just 597 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:48,120 Speaker 2: like fuck you, and I'm like, well, fuck you too, 598 00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:50,400 Speaker 2: like going you know how we do in our head 599 00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:56,680 Speaker 2: that narrative. So we agreed upon that so for future reference, 600 00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:58,879 Speaker 2: if we need space, we know that we can say 601 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:03,319 Speaker 2: that to one another. And so I think that in 602 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:07,480 Speaker 2: this whole conversation about being bougie outgrowing people, sometimes there 603 00:36:07,480 --> 00:36:09,840 Speaker 2: are moments in the journey where we do outgrow people 604 00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:12,080 Speaker 2: and we have a different vision. They don't see it, 605 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:13,680 Speaker 2: and we really do got to let them go. Like, 606 00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:16,000 Speaker 2: we can't beat ourselves up for people that are not 607 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,359 Speaker 2: ready to see a vision, or they don't see the vision, 608 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,480 Speaker 2: or maybe they're just they haven't had that moment in 609 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,680 Speaker 2: their lives where something clicks and they're like, oh, I 610 00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:24,439 Speaker 2: get it, I'm going to do this right. We can't 611 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:28,200 Speaker 2: want something for someone more than they want it for themselves, 612 00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:30,480 Speaker 2: and we really can't. I mean, in most cases, we 613 00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:34,400 Speaker 2: can't really give someone ambition or drive or you know, 614 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:37,839 Speaker 2: wisdom that they're not ready to get or receive. In 615 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:39,960 Speaker 2: some cases, we can still be friends with them if 616 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,719 Speaker 2: they're not pulling us down. But I've learned that I 617 00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:45,000 Speaker 2: really can't change people, even when I believe in them 618 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:46,880 Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh my gosh, you have so much potential. 619 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:48,960 Speaker 2: You could be doing all these things and it's like 620 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,920 Speaker 2: if they're not ready for it, they're not ready. 621 00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:57,600 Speaker 3: And the thing that underlines all of that is communication. 622 00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:01,600 Speaker 3: So if my friend is making a comment about me 623 00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:06,319 Speaker 3: being bougie and I don't feel that it resonates with me, 624 00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:10,719 Speaker 3: or I feel like they may have malicious intent behind it, 625 00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:17,040 Speaker 3: or I'm just unsure of what their intent is, then 626 00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:22,000 Speaker 3: I can spark a conversation. If I feel like I 627 00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:28,240 Speaker 3: may have outgrown a friend for whatever the reason might be. Again, 628 00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:35,799 Speaker 3: I can make the decision to spark a conversation or 629 00:37:37,239 --> 00:37:44,959 Speaker 3: offer some line of communication saying, hey, I don't feel 630 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:48,600 Speaker 3: like this friendship is moving in a direction that's helpful 631 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:53,680 Speaker 3: for either of us, so maybe we should call a quits. 632 00:37:56,239 --> 00:38:00,160 Speaker 3: And I know that there's a more articulate, eloquent way 633 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:04,879 Speaker 3: love saying that. And in a future episode we will 634 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:09,600 Speaker 3: dive into how to break up with a friend. 635 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:13,440 Speaker 2: That's definitely an interesting conversation. I don't think I've ever 636 00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:15,840 Speaker 2: officially broken up with a friend and that way with 637 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:20,160 Speaker 2: the communication, but that has to be interesting. We'll have 638 00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:24,640 Speaker 2: to dive into that. But if you enjoyed today's content, 639 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:27,839 Speaker 2: be sure to leave us feedback. We love, love love 640 00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:31,360 Speaker 2: to see our feedback on iTunes, so please be sure 641 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:33,359 Speaker 2: to leave us a review let us know what you're 642 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,560 Speaker 2: thinking about. Also, hit us up on social media. You 643 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:38,920 Speaker 2: can find us at her Space podcast on Instagram. That's 644 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,440 Speaker 2: the primary channel that we're always on, and let us 645 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:43,520 Speaker 2: know what you think about the episode. What topics do 646 00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:45,840 Speaker 2: you want to see? We haven't heard any topics suggestions 647 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:47,799 Speaker 2: in a minute, and we'd love to know what you 648 00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:49,760 Speaker 2: want to hear. What do you want us to talk about? 649 00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,319 Speaker 2: What questions do you have so we can dive into 650 00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,279 Speaker 2: it on a future episode. 651 00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:59,440 Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us today in her Space. Please note 652 00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:04,880 Speaker 3: that I show contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, 653 00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:07,919 Speaker 3: and mental health, but it is by no means meant 654 00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:11,080 Speaker 3: to be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with 655 00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:14,960 Speaker 3: a trained mental health provider. If you or someone you 656 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:18,080 Speaker 3: know is in need of mental health care, please visit 657 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:22,800 Speaker 3: the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology Today or contact 658 00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:26,239 Speaker 3: your insurance provider. If you liked what you. 659 00:39:26,239 --> 00:39:29,560 Speaker 2: Heard and want to keep the conversation going, connect with 660 00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:35,839 Speaker 2: us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter at her Space podcast, 661 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:40,799 Speaker 2: or check out our website at herspacepodcast dot com and 662 00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:45,480 Speaker 2: before we meet again. Repeat after me I released What 663 00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:50,120 Speaker 2: no longer serves me to manifest what I desire. 664 00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:55,040 Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next Weekly