S1: I wonder if I am the one you know with
S1: the problem? Or would you have any advice? You know,
S1: to my wife.
S2: But people say that tough love was what we should
S2: have done.
S3: I don't know if I can get through to her,
S3: or if I can bring her back to prove to
S3: her the man I am.
S4: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, New York
S4: Times best selling author of The Five Love Languages. Today,
S4: it's our Dear Gary, broadcast for June as Doctor Chapman
S4: takes a variety of questions about relationship struggles, the ups,
S4: the downs and there are some ups and downs represented today.
S5: Yes, we have some great calls for you today, and
S5: this is our final broadcast. Before we take a brief
S5: summer hiatus, we'll be presenting our Summer best of series
S5: coming up beginning next week, and we hope you'll join
S5: us for those conversations. Our featured resource today is a
S5: really important book. It's holding on to love after you've
S5: lost a baby. The five love languages for grieving parents. Gary,
S5: you wrote that with Candy McVicar, and I wonder if
S5: you'd take just a minute here to tell us how
S5: that book is meeting needs today.
S6: Well, you know, Chris, anyone who has gone through that
S6: experience where they have lost a baby by miscarriage or
S6: stillbirth or even a young child, you know, just 3
S6: or 4 years old will know that it is a
S6: traumatic experience. And oftentimes you feel kind of isolated from
S6: from friends and other people and that they don't understand
S6: the depth of the pain that you're experiencing. And that
S6: same thing can be true between the husband and the wife, uh,
S6: because we tend to process grief in a different way.
S6: And sometimes a husband will say after a few months to,
S6: to a wife where they've lost a baby. Honey, you
S6: got to get over this now. Now it's it's happened
S6: and you've got to accept it. And so he's preaching
S6: to her, you know, but this, this whole concept of
S6: understanding our basic need for love, emotional need for love
S6: is extremely important when we're going through experiences like this
S6: of trauma in our lives. So if a husband and
S6: wife can read this book as they're passing through this
S6: and can bring back to the front burner if they've
S6: heard the concept at all, the idea that, listen, we
S6: want to love each other through this and we want
S6: to speak each other's love language as we walk through this.
S6: Because if we both feel loved and supported and cared
S6: for by by the other, it's going to make it
S6: easier for both of us. And so this is a
S6: journey we're taking together and we're less likely to, you know,
S6: preach at the other person or kind of demand things
S6: of them rather than just walking with them through the grief.
S6: So I think this book, it already has been very,
S6: very helpful to many, many people. And of course, my
S6: co-author is a mother who's experienced, uh, the death of children.
S6: And she and her husband have walked through this and
S6: they found it very helpful themselves. That's why I wrote
S6: the book with Candy McVicar. So, yeah, anyone in the
S6: audience who knows of someone, or maybe you've gone through
S6: this experience, even if it's been some time in the past,
S6: I think you're going to find this book to be very,
S6: very helpful.
S5: I saw a social media post by a friend of
S5: mine who wished his late son a happy birthday. He
S5: said it had been it's been 36 years, so that
S5: just shows exactly, uh, how long these things hang on
S5: to us. And I thought it was really vulnerable of
S5: him to mention that, you know, on social media and
S5: then to bring others around. So I think that's one
S5: of the things that the book does is it helps
S5: you not to hold this to yourself. It lets you
S5: be in a in a community of sorts, holding on
S5: to love after you've lost a baby. The five Love
S5: Languages for Grieving parents are featured resource. Just go to
S5: building relationships.us. Now let's get to our calls. First up,
S5: a divorce and remarriage question along with a spiritual dilemma.
S7: Hi, Gary. I am listening to, uh, your broadcast and
S7: the woman, the segment that you guys have on right
S7: now about marriage, divorce, marriage and divorce. Again, I'm sort
S7: of like in that situation. I got married seven years ago,
S7: and I divorced after three years, three and a half years,
S7: I initiated the divorce. We were living apart, but then
S7: we came back together and now we're thinking about getting
S7: back married. Actually not thinking. We made the decision that
S7: we want to get remarried and as well, um, he
S7: has a ring that's put up for me. And here's
S7: the big dilemma. And it's not really big because there's
S7: a Christian woman. I know that we need to be
S7: equally yoked. The only thing he has not gone to
S7: the cross of salvation. And every time I talk to
S7: him about it, he's not ready. And he doesn't want
S7: to do it because he doesn't want to be a hypocrite.
S7: And I assure him and reaffirm him, that that's when
S7: we let Jesus Lord our life and we get better.
S7: And nobody's going to be perfect until, uh, the day
S7: we go and meet the Lord. Um, no one's perfect
S7: in this world. We're all human beings. So we can strive, uh,
S7: to be the best disciple and follower of Christ as
S7: we can be. We both been faithful to each other.
S7: And I'm just thinking about, do I really want to
S7: go back and remarry this man? You know, my the
S7: only stigma that, uh, where I see the issue is
S7: that he hasn't made Jesus Christ as savior. But the
S7: prayers that I pray in the house and us being together,
S7: he has seen the hand of God. He's just not
S7: impressed now to surrender his life to the Lord. Uh,
S7: he doesn't do anything wrong. He works very hard. He's
S7: a good provider, uh, and head of the household. Uh,
S7: but as a spiritual leadership, I am spiritually leading, which
S7: I believe is out of the order of the nature
S7: of the family. And the man should. He's the head
S7: in the in the carnal way, but spiritually he's not.
S7: Can you give me more insight on this, please? Thank you.
S6: Well, you know, Chris, as I hear her, um, deeply
S6: empathetic with the fact that she really wants to do
S6: the best thing at this point. And here's what I
S6: would suggest. I'm not saying, you know, marry or don't marry.
S6: I'm saying let's make it a journey. You know, you
S6: came to the place where you separated. There was enough
S6: things that went on that led you to divorce. And
S6: now I don't know how long you've been kind of
S6: reengaged with each other, but let's prepare more for the
S6: second time than you did the first time. And here's
S6: what I mean by that. Uh, what if you say
S6: to him, you know, I really I really am leaning
S6: toward are coming back together, but I don't want us
S6: to go back through what we've been through. And I'm
S6: not sure that I just think we need to keep
S6: learning some things. So would you be willing to go
S6: with me for pre-marital counseling, or would you be willing
S6: to go with me to a class that's being taught
S6: at our church on marriage or a marriage conference or something? Uh,
S6: you know, whatever you choose to do, but let there
S6: be some things like that where both of you are
S6: being exposed to the same principles on a healthy marriage,
S6: before you just simply go back into the marriage with, uh,
S6: still having a lot of things unresolved in the past.
S6: If you take more time before you make that final decision,
S6: you're far more likely to have a success in your marriage. Obviously,
S6: your husband's a relationship with God is extremely important, and
S6: I think you're right to be concerned about his not
S6: willing to do that at this point. But if you
S6: can do some things like premarital counseling or going to
S6: conferences or reading a book or working through a book
S6: or two on marriage, chances are in that process of
S6: all of that, the spiritual aspect of life, uh, may
S6: also be, you know, addressed. And he may God and listen.
S6: God is the one who has to touch his heart,
S6: you know, and he has to be responding to God.
S6: So I would just say make the most of preparation
S6: this time, rather than simply just focusing on the decision
S6: to remarry or not to remarry.
S5: Or to say to him to dangle this over him,
S5: if you don't become a Christian, we're not getting remarried.
S5: It's like, okay, well, I'll walk in. I'll, you know, I'll,
S5: I'll at least say it, you know, because you don't
S5: want that to be so. But there's also, I hear
S5: in his life, I'm not ready for that. I'm not
S5: ready for that. He's at least being authentic with he
S5: because he could say no. I prayed that prayer. And,
S5: you know, he could try to pull the wool over
S5: her eyes. He's not doing that. So I think they're
S5: they're trying to be honest with each other. Right.
S6: Yeah. And I think that's positive. That's very, very positive
S6: because we don't want simply a surface response of yeah,
S6: I'm a Christian now. You know, we don't want that.
S6: But I think walking with him through some of the things,
S6: like I was suggesting is a process that God can
S6: use not only for him, but also for you to
S6: prepare you for marriage. And the spiritual aspect was certainly
S6: a part of that.
S5: A featured resource today is the book Gary wrote with
S5: Candy McVicker titled Holding on to Love After You've Lost
S5: a Baby The Five Love Languages for Grieving Parents. You
S5: can find out more about that at the website. Building
S5: Relationships Us Again. Go to Building relationships.us. This is our
S5: June edition of Dear Gary. Our next caller is asking
S5: a question on behalf of a very important group of people.
S5: Here's our second caller.
S8: Hi, Harry. I want to speak to all the the
S8: military spouses that are out there. Um, and how much
S8: I have a deeper love and understanding for all of
S8: the sacrifices that we have to make. And I'm wanting
S8: to know if there is any advice that you can
S8: give to help. One for us, because a lot of
S8: times I feel like we are left alone and have
S8: the I don't want to say it like this, but
S8: burden of having to care for everyone, including ourselves, which
S8: gets to be kind of difficult. Sometimes we have a job,
S8: sometimes we don't. Sometimes we have kids with special needs
S8: like I do. Um, and can't work any longer because, um,
S8: having to deal with all the different things that we
S8: have to do. But our spouses are gone. And sometimes
S8: I feel like the equalness of the burden is not there.
S8: And I know that maybe some of the military members
S8: are actually working more, but mine doesn't always. He has
S8: a long periods of lulls where he's not actually working
S8: when he's gone, so he's able to go out and
S8: just have fun a lot, a lot more. So I
S8: wanted to know, like, how do you work on the
S8: closeness when you're gone?
S5: And that's where her question ended, right there, kind of
S5: in the middle of the sentence. But I think you
S5: got enough, Gary. Go ahead.
S6: Yeah, I think there are a lot of military wives
S6: and men, for example, who will identify with what this
S6: military wife is saying. And I have a real heart
S6: for military couples. I've spoken on many, many military bases
S6: and have a book, the Five Love Languages Military Edition,
S6: which I would highly recommend to this wife or any
S6: other military wife and or husband. Uh, because we all
S6: have the basic need to feel loved and the five
S6: love languages, military edition helps you learn each other's prime.
S6: What I call the primary love language. Speak it when
S6: you are together. And then that book has ideas on
S6: how to speak the love languages while you are deployed,
S6: so that you stay emotionally connected, even though you may
S6: be thousands of miles away. Uh, so that that book
S6: I think you will find to be very, very helpful. Uh,
S6: military chaplains are often giving these books out to people.
S6: You might even check with the chaplain on your base
S6: and see if they might even give you a copy
S6: of that book. Otherwise, you can certainly get it on Amazon.
S6: But that book has been very, very helpful to many
S6: military couples because if we meet that basic need and
S6: we each have what I call a full love tank,
S6: we emotionally feel loved by each other. It's easier to process,
S6: you know, the times away and the times that we
S6: are together. Uh, you also mentioned a special needs child
S6: in your case, and I have an edition of the
S6: Five Love Languages for parents of special needs children, uh,
S6: which you might also find very, very helpful because a
S6: special needs children need love as much as any other child.
S6: But there's differences in how you express love to that child.
S5: And the title of that book is Sharing Love Abundantly
S5: and Special Needs Families. If you go to Building Relationships,
S5: dot us and click on store, you'll see it listed
S5: along with the other books that Doctor Chapman has written,
S5: sharing Love abundantly in Special Needs Families. As Andrea mentioned
S5: just a minute ago, if you call 1866424 Gary, you
S5: can ask Doctor Chapman a question and leave your message.
S5: Keep it as brief as possible and we'll see what
S5: we can do. 1866424. Gary, here's our next question. That
S5: came from a concerned wife. What do you do when
S5: your husband cannot stay away from inappropriate contact with women,
S5: meaning text messages or emails? He uses anything to get
S5: a woman to say something to him and make him
S5: feel validated and not his wife. We've only been married
S5: a couple of years. I'm tired of it. We've been
S5: through counseling. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. He
S5: makes excuses and gets angry with me when he's called
S5: out on it. I'm in my 60s. I don't want
S5: to live like this. What do you say to that wife, Gary?
S6: Well, first of all, I have empathy for her because
S6: I think no wife would want her husband to be
S6: reaching out and sending texts and email messages on a
S6: regular basis to other women. Unless, of course, it's a
S6: business thing. You know, where you're a part of your
S6: your business. And it's obviously that's not the case here.
S6: Interesting that she's in her 60s and I think she
S6: said they've only been married two years. So this is
S6: very likely a pattern that he has developed through the years.
S6: And this has been one of his sources of, you know,
S6: feeling good about himself if he feels like other women
S6: are interested in, in, you know, sharing things with him,
S6: texts and emails and that sort of thing. Now, whether
S6: it goes any further than that, I don't know. You know,
S6: that may be the limit. He may not be involved
S6: with these women in any way physically, may not even
S6: go to maybe not even see these women. I don't
S6: know who they are, but I can certainly understand her
S6: frustration with this. She mentioned they had been to counseling already. Uh,
S6: didn't seem to help. I think she has to decide
S6: how important this is to her, and he has to
S6: come to understand how painful this is to her. Now,
S6: I don't know. It could well be that that these
S6: texts and email messages have nothing to do romantically. I
S6: don't know the nature of the relationship with those with
S6: those people with whom he's doing that. But just generally
S6: that's not a healthy thing in a relationship. I do think, however,
S6: I would say to you, if you don't understand his
S6: primary love language and your primary love language, I would
S6: really encourage the two of you to work through my book,
S6: The Five Love Languages. Discover each other's love language and
S6: on a regular basis, speak that language because that will
S6: create a different emotional climate between the two of you.
S6: And if he understands the concept and you understand the
S6: concept and you start speaking each other's language, you're going
S6: to feel emotionally connected. And he may well either totally
S6: withdraw from what he's doing in these text messages, or
S6: you may come to understand that's not an issue. That's
S6: not something that he's going to be involved with somebody
S6: else in a romantic way. But meeting that emotional need
S6: is important. If you don't have it, then it really
S6: gets bigger and bigger and the problem gets larger and larger.
S6: So let me encourage you to read the book. You
S6: can also go online at Five Love languages.com. If you
S6: want to see a lecture on that. You can also
S6: see that there as well.
S5: And if you want to ask Doctor Chapman a question.
S5: 866424 Gary, that question had a lot of pain in there,
S5: I think. And really that is the common denominator with
S5: most of the calls that we received and the emails, Gary,
S5: is there's some kind of pain in my life and I,
S5: I need some help. That's what this next call is about.
S5: It's from a parent asking some really hard questions.
S2: Hi there Gary. Um, my question is about regret and
S2: parenting and tough love. Our son grew up to be
S2: an adult, made wrong choices, got addicted to drugs, put
S2: us through a lot as a family and himself through
S2: a lot for ten years or so. And, um, he
S2: has gone on to meet the Lord. He's with him
S2: in heaven now, and I know that Jesus rescued him
S2: and that he belongs to God, and he's in heaven.
S2: And we will all be together someday. Um, so I'm thankful.
S2: So thankful for that. However, we did not love him
S2: as a lot of people say we should have. A
S2: lot of people say that tough love was what we
S2: should have done. They don't tell us that now, of course, but.
S2: And I'm just wondering what you have to say about
S2: tough love versus, um, just trying to talk and, um,
S2: use the Bible and use God's word and pray and
S2: continually forgive and try to keep that one that you
S2: love close to you without, uh, saying, you know, if
S2: you're going to make these decisions, you have to leave anyway.
S2: I hope I've explained myself well, and I do thank
S2: you so much for being there. God bless you. Bye bye.
S6: I think it's difficult any time for any parent when
S6: they have a child who makes poor decisions in terms
S6: of drugs, alcohol addiction and that sort of thing. None
S6: of us want to see our children walk that path,
S6: and when they do, it's very difficult for us. And
S6: I think parents waver between two approaches. You know, which
S6: both of which this caller has mentioned and that is,
S6: you know, being loving, affirming, you know, having conversations, but
S6: never coming to the place where you say, okay, here's
S6: what we have to do and here's what we're going
S6: to do. And if you don't do this, then here's
S6: going to be the consequences, because we love you too
S6: much to sit here and do nothing to to to
S6: help you. Because this is not this problem is not
S6: going away. And so those two approaches parents sometimes vacillate
S6: between and I'm hearing her say that in retrospect, looking
S6: back on it, she wishes they had taken more of
S6: a tough love approach. I would just say this to
S6: her at this point we can't undo the past. We
S6: can evaluate. We can try to learn something from it
S6: that might help us help others who may be going
S6: through this. That is, God may bring into your life
S6: individuals who have children like this, and you can kind
S6: of share with them, you know, your regrets in terms
S6: of not taking the tough love approach. God wants to
S6: use even our weaknesses and even things that we might
S6: consider our failures. And he can use them to and
S6: can use you to help other other couples who are
S6: going through this. But we can't redo that. But here's
S6: the good news. Let's say that you're correct in assuming
S6: that maybe you didn't do the best thing. We confess
S6: our failures to God. God forgives us for our failures.
S6: And the other wonderful thing about this lady's situation is
S6: her son became a Christian and she is going to
S6: see him forever. And she mentioned that, you know, in her,
S6: in her, in her phone call. So let's look forward
S6: to the future. Let's thank God for allowing us to
S6: have the child in the first place, and let's thank
S6: God that he has forgiven us for our failures in
S6: the past. And let's not allow what we consider our
S6: regrets to keep us from investing the rest of our
S6: life in serving God and doing positive things with with
S6: the abilities that we have. Hmm.
S5: I find that to be also one of the common
S5: denominators of calls, as I've got this regret and you
S5: feel this accusation in some way, this condemnation, you know,
S5: that you kind of walk around with. And I think
S5: that the enemy of our souls loves to do that.
S5: He loves to give push your head down. And if
S5: he can't, uh, get you some way, he'll get you
S5: looking in the rear view at all the mistakes that
S5: you made. And that's why I think this is a
S5: this is a great opportunity to really cast yourself on
S5: the mercy and the grace and the love of God again,
S5: to use it here I am thinking about what we
S5: could have done back there. Lord, you know that I
S5: can't you know we can't change this. This I've heard
S5: Doctor Chapman just say that. But I'm going to praise
S5: you in the middle of this right here, right now,
S5: with all of the the hurt and the pain and
S5: the loss that I'm feeling. I choose to to to
S5: praise you in the middle of this, you start to
S5: turn that around. And some of that condemnation, I think
S5: might lessen, don't you?
S6: I think you're right, Chris. And I think the other
S6: factor is one that I alluded to, and that is
S6: you ask God, Lord, if you can use this to
S6: help anybody else that I might interface with in the
S6: years to come. I'm available. I'm open. I want to
S6: use my own regrets to help folks who may be
S6: going through this presently.
S5: And I think she just did that. I think she
S5: just did that with that phone call. You know, that's
S5: and when you're vulnerable and when you allow, you know,
S5: God to access to that and then for other people
S5: to hear it. And that might be an impetus for
S5: you to call today. If you have a question for
S5: Doctor Gary Chapman, there's something maybe her call sparks something
S5: in your own life about dealing with mistakes you've made
S5: in the past. Let me give you the number 1866424
S5: Gary 866424. Gary, uh, before we take a break here, Gary,
S5: would you just could we just pause here and would
S5: you pray for the person who's listening today, who has
S5: these huge regrets in their rear view, and they just
S5: are having a hard time with those today.
S6: Father. You know what we're talking about. And you know
S6: the individuals who may be listening today who are struggling
S6: with regrets in their past. And I pray that you
S6: would give them freedom from living under the bondage of
S6: past failures. And help them to understand that we can't
S6: go back and undo things, but we can make the
S6: future better. And I pray, father, you just deliver them
S6: from allowing the enemy to defeat their future, their present,
S6: and their future because of past failures and past regrets.
S6: May your spirit minister to them today, I pray.
S5: All right, Gary. He has one idea of what marriage
S5: is supposed to be like. His wife has a different idea.
S5: I'm interested to hear your response to this caller.
S1: Hey, Gary. Um, listen, growing up, you know, I watched
S1: my father and my mother. My mother had, you know,
S1: my father's lunch prepared on the table. You know, she
S1: had the fish sauce in one one bowl, the rice
S1: and another in another bowl and vegetables in another bowl.
S1: And my father would come home and enjoy. Sit down,
S1: relax and enjoy his meal. Now I'm married to my wife,
S1: you know. And when I come home, you know, she
S1: will just tell me, you know, go on the stove
S1: and get your food or or your food is in
S1: the microwave, you know, and I'm not used to seeing
S1: that kind of, you know, um, um, lifestyle or treatment,
S1: you know. So I wonder if I am the one,
S1: you know, with, with the problem, or would you have
S1: any advice, you know, to my wife as to how
S1: she can better please me when it comes to, you know,
S1: serving because of the way I was brought up, the
S1: way I saw my mother treated, you know, my father.
S1: Thank you.
S6: Well, Chris, you have to smile. At least I have
S6: to smile when I hear that. I've often said to me,
S6: and one of the things you must realize when you
S6: get married, you are not marrying your mother. Yes. Okay.
S6: Because what he's describing is what all of us by
S6: nature kind of expect. We expect our wives to be
S6: like our mother was to to her husband. And, uh,
S6: we're not married to our mothers. And our wives are different.
S6: They're a different person. They grew up in a different home.
S6: They didn't have that picture of what a quote faithful
S6: wife would be doing for her husband. So that's a
S6: common problem and not always described as openly as this
S6: gentleman did. But it's a very common problem that we
S6: expect our spouse to be like the opposite. Uh, you know,
S6: like if it's a wife, she expects her her husband
S6: to do what her daddy did. And, and she may
S6: have some of those same feelings about him. I don't know,
S6: she may say, well, you know, my daddy would, uh,
S6: mow the grass or my daddy would vacuum the floors
S6: and my daddy would clean the toilets. My husband doesn't
S6: do that. Yeah. So first of all, we've got to
S6: realize every human is different. We came up in different families.
S6: We come to marriage with a different concept of the
S6: the daily role of the husband wife, husband, wife relationship.
S6: This is again why I think it's important for husbands
S6: and wives, first of all, to understand the love language concept.
S6: And I know I talk a lot about this, but
S6: I think it's so important that you learn each other's
S6: love language and you speak each other's love language, because
S6: when you feel loved by each other, then you can
S6: open the discuss things like this, and you can come
S6: to understand what's important for the other person. And because
S6: you feel loved by each other, you're far more likely
S6: to make adjustments that would make life more meaningful for
S6: the other person. Because that's really the heart of love
S6: is an attitude. I want to make your life easier
S6: for you. I want to make your life, uh, more meaningful.
S6: And so if we have that attitude and we're far
S6: more likely to have that attitude if we feel loved
S6: by our spouse. So maybe the starting place, if you
S6: haven't read the five love languages, is to read that
S6: and discuss it together. And in that context where you're
S6: trying to meet each other's need for love, you're more
S6: likely to find a resolution to what you're talking about,
S6: and you're more likely to learn each of you to
S6: make some changes that would be meaningful for the other person.
S6: But just to demand that of your wife or to
S6: criticize her, it's not going to work. It's not going
S6: to make her want to do that for you. But
S6: loving her in her love language does tend to influence her.
S6: To want to love you in a way that's meaningful
S6: to you.
S5: And it sounds to me as I as I hear
S5: his story there, it sounds to me like Acts of
S5: service might be his love language. That's what he feels.
S5: He feels valued when she, you know, with the dinner
S5: or whatever else it may be. And it's not on
S5: her radar. It's like I already made you. She'd already
S5: made it. You know, it might have been in the
S5: microwave or on the stove or wherever, but she she
S5: does love him. It sounds like she's done things for him.
S5: She doesn't do the the extra serving him and getting
S5: the extra bowls out there. Uh, and even I'm smiling
S5: at that, Gary. Because this, you know, he's saying I
S5: don't feel valued by her. I don't feel loved by her.
S5: And here's what she needs to do in order to
S5: do that. And, you know, you're saying you can't you
S5: can't make that requirement. But if she hears him say this,
S5: this is how you really value me, how you communicate
S5: that to me, that gives her a level of understanding
S5: of him that she didn't know. Perhaps. Right.
S6: Exactly, Chris. But, you know, if they don't understand the
S6: concept of the love languages, it she takes that more
S6: as you're just trying to make me be like your mother. Yes.
S6: You know, and she's kind of pushed off and put
S6: off by that. But if they understand the love language concept,
S6: because I think you're right, his love language is probably
S6: acts of service. If they understand that. And both of them,
S6: you know, talk about, work through the book and talk
S6: about it, then they're far more likely to begin to
S6: speak each other's love language.
S5: I wonder if we got her to call, because if
S5: his is acts of service, then he probably speaks acts
S5: of service to her. And if hers is not acts
S5: of service, you know, it might be words of affirmation
S5: or quality time, whatever. She may not feel love from
S5: him either. So. All right, we'll stop. If you go
S5: to building relationships.us. You can find out more about the
S5: five love languages. You can take the assessment right there.
S5: It's absolutely free. Just go to building relationships.us. All right.
S5: Our next caller, her son in law, has a physical condition.
S5: Can Gary help her daughter's marriage? Here's our next call.
S9: Hi. Uh, my daughter got married, and, uh, she knew
S9: that her, uh, fiance had, uh, diabetes type one. And
S9: now they are married and they do not have any
S9: intimate relation. And she is very, very sad and depressed
S9: that she looks like she is living like a roommate
S9: with her husband. So can you please give me some
S9: insight what to do for my daughter? Thank you.
S6: Well, I appreciate a concerned mother who wants her daughter
S6: to have what we would consider to be a normal, uh,
S6: sexual relationship in her marriage. It's unfortunate that her fiance
S6: did not inform her of his physical condition, and that
S6: he was not physically capable of having sexual intercourse in
S6: a normal way, as most people do. It's unfortunate that
S6: she's learning that after she got married, rather than him
S6: revealing that before they got married. I would say as
S6: a mother, what you might do is encourage the two
S6: of them to go for marriage counseling. And if they
S6: need financial help to say to them, I will be
S6: willing to pay for whatever it cost for you to
S6: go for counseling, because I want both of you to
S6: learn how to work together in your marriage in this area.
S6: That would be the very best thing. I think that
S6: could happen because they both need to be heard by
S6: an outside party, and particularly a counselor type person who
S6: can help them, uh, you know, understand each other and
S6: where they are and explore whether what the possibilities are.
S6: And also even even if, for example, he's never able
S6: to have sexual intercourse, what are other things that we
S6: do physically to communicate love to each other in a marriage? Uh,
S6: so I just think counseling probably has the most hope
S6: for them. And as a mother, that is something you
S6: can not only encourage, but possibly make it financially feasible
S6: for them to do that. And maybe if you are
S6: in a church, you can contact the pastor or pastors
S6: and find out who the Christian counselors are in your
S6: area and actually give them a name and a phone
S6: number where they can call and make an appointment with
S6: that counselor.
S5: It's a really important call, Gary, because I think there
S5: may be some people in the audience right now listening
S5: who feel just as blindsided as our next caller. His
S5: wife's desire for divorce took him by surprise.
S10: Hi, Gary. Obviously, you know, I would hope to never
S10: have to make this phone call. Right? But I feel like,
S10: you know, a lot has gone down in the past
S10: month where essentially, I feel blindsided. Right? My wife wants
S10: a divorce. I feel blindsided after reading your book, I
S10: feel like my emotional love tank was pretty much full. Therefore,
S10: I'm oblivious to the fact that I'm not meeting hers.
S10: And she's running on empty and I'm breaking her down
S10: and I look unappreciative and etc. etc. and I think
S10: I have a lot of clarity on where I went
S10: wrong and my actions during certain disputes or arguments, and
S10: I see that clarity. Um, we have a young son.
S10: He's young, only a year and seven months. We did
S10: get married, buy a house, and had a baby all
S10: in one year. So everything happened fast. I don't think
S10: we got a chance to enjoy, you know, what marriage
S10: can bring. I feel like at some point there comes
S10: a time where you sit somebody down and say, hey,
S10: if these certain things don't change, you're losing me. Like,
S10: I don't think I can stay in this because you
S10: are continuing to not step up as a father or
S10: a husband, right? I didn't get that opportunity. Don't get
S10: me wrong. Where there, uh, hints at it. Hey, could
S10: you tidy up? Could you do this? Could you do that?
S10: Definitely hints, but I just didn't catch on. And so
S10: therefore this just continued to happen before my eyes and
S10: me not really notice. I feel like I just wasn't
S10: being present, very consumed by work and just really not
S10: being there. But the book that you wrote, I mean,
S10: really touched me in the sense of like, it's incredible. Like,
S10: and honestly, it touches a lot. On how she feels.
S10: She did say she would read the book. I feel
S10: like there's no way somebody can read this book cover
S10: to cover and not at some, like some point, cross
S10: their mind. Maybe I should seek counseling or maybe I
S10: should try again. I expect with the child involved, it's
S10: not just about yourself, right? We would exhaust every option
S10: before doing something super drastic like that. But in my opinion,
S10: I don't think this is going to happen that way.
S10: She seems so firm in her decision. I talked to
S10: her family. Of course they're going to support her. So
S10: not staying in the house in the Airbnb, obviously you
S10: have a child involved. It's like, I don't know if
S10: I can get through to her or if I can
S10: bring her back, but when I read this book, it
S10: touches on how she feels so much that I'm hoping
S10: it would resonate with her to where she would open
S10: up her heart just a little bit to let me
S10: in to prove to her the man I am. Thank
S10: you for the time and I hope to hear from
S10: you soon.
S6: Well, Chris, I'm encouraged that he's reading books. I don't
S6: know which of my books he read, whether it was
S6: the Five Love Languages or my book called One More
S6: Try What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart. Uh,
S6: both of those books would be very helpful to a
S6: person in his situation. Uh, he did indicate that he
S6: had asked his wife if she would read the book,
S6: and she had agreed that she would. So that's a
S6: plus if she follows through with it, because she will
S6: get exposed to some concepts, the same concepts that have
S6: helped him understand himself, and how he missed clues on
S6: what he needed to be doing in the marriage because
S6: of his involvement with work and all of that, but
S6: just not doing the things that she felt important. So
S6: if she does read the book, hopefully they can have
S6: a discussion about the things that he discovered in the
S6: book and that she may discover in the book and
S6: begin to work and talk in terms of how can
S6: we make this different? Because I think he's open. It
S6: seems to me he's open to making things different. He's
S6: open to understanding more fully. You know, how to love
S6: her and and what he needs to be doing in
S6: his role. And let me just throw this out. It's
S6: not abnormal that in the first year or two of marriage,
S6: couples have problems. I mean, I look back on my
S6: own marriage. We struggled greatly in the early years of
S6: our marriage. It's not abnormal to be going through what
S6: they're going through. It is unfortunate in my mind that
S6: she has categorically decided she wants a divorce, and that
S6: this is the only way out, because he's never going
S6: to be what she thinks a husband should be, because
S6: I think he he is capable. We're all capable of
S6: making changes, and sometimes it takes a wake up call
S6: like he's just received to make him realize, oh man,
S6: I didn't. I didn't realize it was this bad, you know?
S6: So if they if she would go read the book,
S6: whatever book he read, read that book. And then the
S6: two of them go for counseling before they make the
S6: final decision of divorce. I think they would both profit
S6: greatly by doing that. And very likely they will find reconciliation, uh,
S6: because nobody gets married in a year and a half later,
S6: you know, they won't won't divorce. Uh, it's just that
S6: she obviously is hurting deeply, or she would not have
S6: reached that conclusion so early in the relationship. So I
S6: really appreciate the caller calling. I'm glad that he's open.
S6: I'm glad he's reaching out and reading and trying to
S6: learn and understand himself better. And let's just pray that
S6: somehow God will help her open her heart to the
S6: possibility that things can be different if the two of
S6: them come to understand more fully what needs to be
S6: done to make this marriage successful.
S5: And if you want to ask a question of Doctor Chapman.
S5: 1866424 Gary is our number. As I mentioned earlier, this
S5: is our final broadcast before our summer best of series.
S5: And Gary, I'm looking at an email that I just received.
S5: I know that we're going to have a conversation about
S5: how to deal with a family member or a friend
S5: who is LGBTQ. That's coming up in our fall series,
S5: but it just got this email. I'll read it to you.
S5: I have a son who's living a gay lifestyle. He's
S5: to be married to his partner later this year. I
S5: have a lot of concerns. He was raised in the church,
S5: saved at a young age. Is he truly saved? Can
S5: he live a Christian life while living the gay lifestyle?
S5: Do I, as a Christian attend the wedding? He knows
S5: I love him with all my heart and that I
S5: do not condone his lifestyle. I want to be there
S5: for him but I can't support this. What help can
S5: you give me? What would you say to that concerned mom.
S6: Well, I think there are a number of moms and
S6: dads today who are facing similar situations. And I think
S6: as a Christian, obviously we love our children. We want
S6: what's best for our children, and we cannot simply ignore
S6: what the Bible teaches about homosexuals marrying each other. I mean,
S6: it's just not biblical. There's no question about that. And
S6: so I think she's rightly concerned as to what does
S6: she do? Uh, she certainly will continue to love him, uh,
S6: just like God loves us even when we do wrong.
S6: But it's not his pleasure that we are doing wrong.
S6: He wants us to repent, and then he forgives us,
S6: and we move on down the road with God. And
S6: that's what we want, you know, for for her, her son.
S6: But obviously, uh, he's he's largely influenced by the culture
S6: in which we live now, which condones this sort of thing,
S6: which is contrary to the teachings of Scripture. So in
S6: terms of going to the wedding or not, obviously that's
S6: a personal decision. I would not lean toward that. I
S6: would lean toward saying, honey, I love you very much.
S6: I just cannot affirm something that I know is not
S6: good for you. And so I can't affirm you by
S6: being at the wedding that I that I disagree with.
S6: Not it's not just me disagreeing with it. It's that
S6: I know this is not God's plan. God ordained marriage
S6: between a man and a woman, not between two men.
S6: But I love you. And if you insist on doing this,
S6: I'm still going to love you, but I can't. I
S6: can't be there to affirm something that I know is
S6: is not good for you and not pleasing to God.
S6: I hope you understand, honey, how much I love you
S6: and how hard this is for me. I think, you know,
S6: she takes that approach. Uh, he's getting a clear message
S6: that she loves him, but she also. And because she
S6: loves him, she wants him to walk with God and
S6: to obey the teachings of Scripture. Uh, it may not
S6: change his mind at all, but at least he has
S6: affirmation that she loves him and will do anything she
S6: can for his benefit, but she cannot affirm something that
S6: she does not believe is for his benefit. That's kind
S6: of the approach, I think, that, uh, a Christian should
S6: take because we are to be loving, uh, but we're
S6: we're speaking the truth in love. True love allows a
S6: parent to say or compels a parent to say, I
S6: love you too much. To affirm something that I think
S6: is not is not good for you. So it is
S6: an act of love, even though it's very difficult on
S6: the part of the of both of them.
S5: I'm sure you've gotten that question a lot over the
S5: last few years. That's one of the things that people
S5: ask you. Parents will ask you and family members, right?
S6: Yeah, absolutely. Chris, over and over, I've heard this and,
S6: you know, I'm simply sharing my my perspective. And each
S6: parent has to decide ultimately what they're going to do. But, uh,
S6: I don't think that that love affirms something that we
S6: know is contrary to Scripture. Uh, we can love the person,
S6: but we cannot affirm, uh, what the Bible says is
S6: sinful behavior.
S5: Well, before we conclude today, let me give you our
S5: number again where you can leave a question for Doctor Chapman,
S5: respond to something you've heard today or ask a different question.
S5: Call 1866424. Gary, we would love to hear from you
S5: over the summer and we'll get back to another Dear
S5: Gary broadcast coming up in September. If you go to
S5: Building relationships.us, you'll see our featured resource today, the book
S5: by Doctor Chapman and Candy McVicker, holding on to Love
S5: After You've Lost a Baby. The Five Love Languages for
S5: grieving parents. Just go to building relationships. Dot us to
S5: find out more.
S6: And next week, the four habits of Joy filled people.
S4: Don't miss our first in a series of summer best
S4: of broadcasts. A big thank you to our production team,
S4: Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary
S4: Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with
S4: Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.