1 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,119 S1: June is the month for a lot of weddings, and 2 00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:10,520 S1: if you or someone you know has just been married 3 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:12,680 S1: or you're about to be, oh, do I have a 4 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,720 S1: conversation for you? You plan for months. And for the 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,599 S1: most part, your wedding was perfect. But between saying your 6 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:22,960 S1: vows and actually living your marriage, there's a whole world 7 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,799 S1: no one really prepares you for. So says our guest 8 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,760 S1: today on Chris Fabry Live pastor and author Mike Novotny. 9 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:31,920 S1: He has a few wise words for newlyweds today, and 10 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,680 S1: our topic is How to live and love as a 11 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:38,600 S1: Married couple in year one. What is your best advice 12 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,080 S1: from your experience? I want to hear from you straight 13 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,800 S1: ahead on the program. From the heart to the heart 14 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,360 S1: for the heart. Let's get going with first, a thank 15 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,840 S1: you to our team, Ryan McConaughey. Doing all things technical. 16 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,320 S1: Trish is our producer, but Lisa is in the chair. 17 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:53,720 S1: Josh will be answering your calls today. And since it's Friday. 18 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:57,160 S1: That's right. It's time for the fabulous Fabry Friday. Sigh 19 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:58,960 S1: what does it do Chris I'll tell you one we 20 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,360 S1: oxygenate your blood. Two. We get your endorphins going. Three. 21 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:06,360 S1: We raise your serotonin. Level four. We promote lymphatic drainage. 22 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:10,040 S1: And five, we stimulate your parasympathetic system. That's why we 23 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,280 S1: call it the five lung languages. We also stimulate your 24 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,280 S1: vagus nerve. We help you release acetylcholine. And don't you 25 00:01:16,319 --> 00:01:20,260 S1: dare forget what it does to cortisol dissipation. Taking four 26 00:01:20,260 --> 00:01:23,399 S1: seconds of air through your nose right now. Hold it 27 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,119 S1: for four seconds. And then as you release that air 28 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,360 S1: through your mouth, push on the left side of your 29 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,480 S1: rib cage to get rid of all that bad carbon dioxide. 30 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,960 S1: Give a sigh today for those who have recently said 31 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:36,160 S1: I do or I will. Or are you going to 32 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,560 S1: do that tomorrow? What in the world does that mean? 33 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:42,000 S1: What does I do look like in real life? Will 34 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,480 S1: you lay down your life for your spouse? Absolutely. Of course. 35 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,000 S1: But who does the dishes? Who takes out the trash? 36 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,240 S1: If you both work, how do you divvy up the 37 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,480 S1: household chores? And what about money? What about those $10 38 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,240 S1: coffee purchases that one person has to have and the 39 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:59,040 S1: other forgoes because you're saving for a down payment. How 40 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:02,800 S1: do you navigate that? And all the assumptions and expectations 41 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:07,400 S1: about sex and communication and in-laws? Today's Fabulous Baby Friday 42 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:11,720 S1: is brought to you by your first year of marriage. Okay, 43 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,240 S1: this is going to fly by. I could just tell it. 44 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,240 S1: It's going to be helpful to somebody who's listening. Might 45 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,720 S1: be helpful to you if you're in your 50th year 46 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,520 S1: of marriage. So you stay with us and I want 47 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,239 S1: to hear from you before we get to the topic. 48 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:26,240 S1: I need your help. Our fiscal year end is next 49 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:29,720 S1: Tuesday at the end of day next Tuesday. And for 50 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,359 S1: us to make our June goal, we need a flurry 51 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,000 S1: of activity. And it's hard to get flurries in June, 52 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,520 S1: at least where I'm from. So I want you to 53 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,720 S1: go to the website or call us on the phone 54 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:43,079 S1: if you've responded in June. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 55 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,480 S1: We can't do what we do without you. If you've 56 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,840 S1: not responded and you want these conversations to be fully 57 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,320 S1: funded by next Tuesday, let us hear from you today. 58 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,519 S1: We have four days left after today in our offer 59 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,430 S1: of a book by Doctor John Perkins that caused Rick 60 00:02:57,430 --> 00:03:00,510 S1: Warren to say this. John Perkins is calling the church 61 00:03:00,510 --> 00:03:04,430 S1: to be the church. The book is titled One Blood. 62 00:03:04,430 --> 00:03:07,910 S1: It's our. Thank you. It's kind of Doctor Perkins parting 63 00:03:07,910 --> 00:03:10,630 S1: words to you and me. And since he passed away 64 00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:13,669 S1: in March, I chose this for our June. Thank you. 65 00:03:13,710 --> 00:03:16,630 S1: Would love to send you a copy. Support us today 66 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:27,150 S1: by calling or clicking through at 8669538669532279 or go to 67 00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:33,470 S1: the website Chris Fabry. FABRY. Chris Fabry live.org. Chris Fabriclive 68 00:03:33,470 --> 00:03:36,550 S1: dot ORG. And thanks for your support of the radio 69 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:42,070 S1: by Backyard fence Backyard. There's a new one. Mike Novotny 70 00:03:42,070 --> 00:03:45,710 S1: is an author, a pastor, lead speaker for time of Grace, 71 00:03:45,870 --> 00:03:48,870 S1: which is a global media ministry that points people to Jesus, 72 00:03:48,870 --> 00:03:52,270 S1: his lane, as I see it, his signature teaching vibe 73 00:03:52,270 --> 00:03:56,910 S1: is he tackles tough topics in an it approachable and relatable, 74 00:03:57,150 --> 00:04:01,390 S1: and a biblical way to make things clear and understandable. 75 00:04:01,430 --> 00:04:03,710 S1: His latest is just in time for anyone who's been 76 00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:06,550 S1: married for less than a year or is thinking about 77 00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:15,030 S1: it newly wed. A Christian Guide for loving year one faith, communication, sex, finances, chores, 78 00:04:15,030 --> 00:04:20,270 S1: in-laws and more. It's our featured resource at Chris fabry.org. Mike. 79 00:04:20,270 --> 00:04:21,870 S1: Welcome back. How are you doing today? 80 00:04:22,190 --> 00:04:23,750 S2: I'm doing great, Chris, how are you? 81 00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:27,190 S1: I'm doing well and I'm so excited about this because 82 00:04:27,190 --> 00:04:28,790 S1: I told you before we went on a program, I 83 00:04:28,790 --> 00:04:31,070 S1: like to do kind of a, a lighter topic. And 84 00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:34,430 S1: this is light, but it's also serious because as I 85 00:04:34,430 --> 00:04:37,670 S1: see it, the problem when you get married is, and 86 00:04:37,670 --> 00:04:40,910 S1: I'm speaking from experience, you don't know what you don't know. 87 00:04:41,029 --> 00:04:44,270 S1: And what you do know is I'm in love and 88 00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:46,750 S1: that trumps everything else. What do you think? 89 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:50,230 S2: Yeah. I've been married to my wife, Kim, for 23 90 00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:54,630 S2: years and almost two weeks. Not that I'm counting. And 91 00:04:54,630 --> 00:05:00,830 S2: it has been the most beautiful, life giving, joy, increasing, comforting, 92 00:05:00,870 --> 00:05:05,710 S2: wonderful relationship I've had, except my relationship with Jesus. And 93 00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:08,270 S2: I'm not sure if she's listening. And at the same time, 94 00:05:08,270 --> 00:05:14,950 S2: it's been the most challenging, frustrating, humbling problem creating relationship 95 00:05:14,950 --> 00:05:17,870 S2: that I've ever had. I've had friends, I've had family, 96 00:05:17,870 --> 00:05:20,710 S2: but I've never had to budget with my best friend. 97 00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:23,909 S2: I never had to figure out, you know, big things 98 00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:26,669 S2: like who's going to do the chores when it came to, uh, 99 00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:29,510 S2: my closest friends in life. So it's this really high risk, 100 00:05:29,510 --> 00:05:32,070 S2: high reward situation. We call it marriage. And I'm glad 101 00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:33,110 S2: we're tackling it today. 102 00:05:33,710 --> 00:05:36,150 S1: Well, and I think that one of the things that 103 00:05:36,150 --> 00:05:40,590 S1: you just mentioned is your wife has helped you mature. 104 00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:44,590 S1: She has helped you change. But there's something about when 105 00:05:44,589 --> 00:05:47,510 S1: two people get together and the expectations one has of 106 00:05:47,510 --> 00:05:51,630 S1: the other and vice versa, it is I love him 107 00:05:51,630 --> 00:05:54,430 S1: and and I'm sure this little thing right here that 108 00:05:54,430 --> 00:05:57,950 S1: he does, he's going to change and vice versa on 109 00:05:57,950 --> 00:06:00,110 S1: her side. So you think you can make that other 110 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:03,390 S1: person or that that person will change. And if that's 111 00:06:03,390 --> 00:06:05,910 S1: how you go into marriage, you're you're kind of in 112 00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,469 S1: for a rude awakening, aren't you? 113 00:06:08,190 --> 00:06:11,430 S2: Yes you are indeed. I had a chance to interview 114 00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:14,710 S2: two professional Christian counselors before I wrote this book, um, 115 00:06:14,710 --> 00:06:17,670 S2: alongside 20 newlyweds who kind of helped shape the content. 116 00:06:17,870 --> 00:06:19,990 S2: And I remember one of the counselors, her name was Teresa, 117 00:06:20,190 --> 00:06:23,950 S2: and she said, Mike, most married couples have two big, 118 00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:28,230 S2: big problems. Problem number one, they have a long list 119 00:06:28,230 --> 00:06:31,470 S2: of expectations about their marriage that they have not yet 120 00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:35,270 S2: expressed to their new spouse. Problem number two, they're really, 121 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,990 S2: really convinced, deep in their heart that most, if not 122 00:06:37,990 --> 00:06:43,030 S2: all of those expectations are correct. MM. So you don't know, 123 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,830 S2: you know, what I expect about money or what I 124 00:06:44,830 --> 00:06:46,870 S2: expect about intimacy? Or how are we going to do 125 00:06:46,870 --> 00:06:49,510 S2: the holidays with your parents? And my parents and I 126 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,590 S2: have an expectation it's going to shape my behavior and 127 00:06:51,589 --> 00:06:53,550 S2: my attitude, but you don't know what it is just 128 00:06:53,550 --> 00:06:56,710 S2: yet because perhaps we haven't talked about it. And deep down, 129 00:06:56,710 --> 00:06:58,630 S2: for whatever reason, I'm probably convinced that my way is 130 00:06:58,630 --> 00:07:01,950 S2: the right way. Welcome to marriage. Yeah. And you'll see. 131 00:07:02,270 --> 00:07:04,670 S1: You'll see the wisdom of the way I think and 132 00:07:04,670 --> 00:07:07,510 S1: the way that I live. And you'll become more like me. Now, 133 00:07:07,550 --> 00:07:09,950 S1: if you're like, because my wife and I were married 134 00:07:09,950 --> 00:07:12,470 S1: in 1982. So they said, do the math. I can't 135 00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:15,470 S1: do it anymore. But so that's been a long time. 136 00:07:15,630 --> 00:07:19,270 S1: And I think we are more alike now than we've 137 00:07:19,270 --> 00:07:24,630 S1: ever been. But we are also different in so many ways. 138 00:07:24,630 --> 00:07:27,110 S1: And I spent a lot of years trying to convince 139 00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:29,230 S1: her that I was right about or this way is 140 00:07:29,230 --> 00:07:32,710 S1: the best way to do it, rather than open handed. 141 00:07:32,710 --> 00:07:36,310 S1: Know you're different than I am, and that's okay. What 142 00:07:36,310 --> 00:07:37,270 S1: do you say about that? 143 00:07:37,710 --> 00:07:41,310 S2: Yeah, yeah. In the chapter on communication, I list what 144 00:07:41,310 --> 00:07:44,630 S2: I call the Ten Commandments of Communication. And I think 145 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:47,150 S2: you really, in your own way, express the first commandment. 146 00:07:47,390 --> 00:07:49,630 S2: I think it's by far the most important thing you 147 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,070 S2: need to know when you're communicating with your partner. The 148 00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:57,350 S2: commandment is you shall not try to win. Because if 149 00:07:57,350 --> 00:07:59,750 S2: I'm entering this conversation thinking, the goal of this is 150 00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:03,110 S2: to convince you that I'm right and that you need 151 00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:04,830 S2: to change. And I'm kind of like Jesus and I'm 152 00:08:04,830 --> 00:08:07,150 S2: the standard of truth. Oh, man, I'm going to do 153 00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:09,190 S2: all kinds of things. I'm going to interrupt. I'm going 154 00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:11,590 S2: to talk too much. I'm going to monologue. I'm not 155 00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:13,710 S2: going to listen. I'm not going to repeat your points. 156 00:08:14,110 --> 00:08:16,830 S2: And so, yes, we have to come in with humility. 157 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,630 S2: And God just has the most amazing way of exalting 158 00:08:19,630 --> 00:08:23,150 S2: humble couples. So yeah, coming in with a listener's mindset, 159 00:08:23,190 --> 00:08:25,830 S2: being quick to listen, slow to speak. That's such a 160 00:08:25,830 --> 00:08:29,150 S2: valuable commandment when it comes to communication. And it just 161 00:08:29,150 --> 00:08:31,790 S2: builds that unity and beauty that you were talking about before. 162 00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:35,990 S1: To, to win. I really resonate with that. It's like, 163 00:08:35,990 --> 00:08:38,550 S1: I want to win. The arguments are there so that 164 00:08:38,550 --> 00:08:41,150 S1: I can show you that I'm right about this. So 165 00:08:41,150 --> 00:08:43,550 S1: I'm going to win. And the other thing is we 166 00:08:43,550 --> 00:08:46,510 S1: had been married for a few years. We had had 167 00:08:46,550 --> 00:08:49,630 S1: I think we had had our second child and my 168 00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:52,270 S1: wife said, I really want to get some counseling. And 169 00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:56,069 S1: I'm thinking, yeah, absolutely. You know, you're really messed up here. 170 00:08:56,070 --> 00:08:58,309 S1: You could really use it. And she comes home one 171 00:08:58,309 --> 00:09:00,429 S1: day and she says, you know, the counselor thinks that 172 00:09:00,429 --> 00:09:03,910 S1: maybe you can help. Maybe maybe your voice in there 173 00:09:03,910 --> 00:09:06,750 S1: would would be a helpful thing. She got you, you 174 00:09:06,790 --> 00:09:09,830 S1: got you. In my mind, I thought you need to 175 00:09:09,830 --> 00:09:13,350 S1: be fixed, and I can help. Absolutely. You know, I 176 00:09:13,390 --> 00:09:17,070 S1: don't do carburetors, but I can do you. And and 177 00:09:17,070 --> 00:09:22,150 S1: I go into the counseling office and I realize very quickly, 178 00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:25,990 S1: within a couple of couple of weeks that I'm a 179 00:09:25,990 --> 00:09:29,030 S1: part of this and I'm a part and I have 180 00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:33,030 S1: as much, if not more struggles. And the way that 181 00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:36,829 S1: we've communicated in marriage. And that wasn't the whole thing, 182 00:09:36,830 --> 00:09:41,790 S1: but the way that we've communicated has, has exacerbated the problem. 183 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:43,870 S1: And she was just the one who had the courage 184 00:09:43,870 --> 00:09:47,579 S1: to say, I need help. Do you hear that a lot. 185 00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:51,380 S2: Yeah. Isn't that so true that as a pastor, I 186 00:09:51,380 --> 00:09:53,020 S2: get to do a lot of marriage counseling when things 187 00:09:53,020 --> 00:09:56,420 S2: aren't great or there's tension. And I think it was 188 00:09:56,420 --> 00:09:59,820 S2: a pastor I heard years ago who said to one spouse, okay, here's, 189 00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:02,460 S2: here's a like a pie graph. I want you to 190 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,820 S2: divide up like, how much of this conflict is your 191 00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:08,260 S2: fault and how much is your spouse's fault? And he 192 00:10:08,260 --> 00:10:11,500 S2: would just wait. And however the person divided the pie graph, 193 00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:13,620 S2: he would say, okay, I believe you. I'm not sure 194 00:10:13,620 --> 00:10:15,980 S2: if she agrees, but I believe you right now. How 195 00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:18,340 S2: about for the next 30 minutes, we talk about the 196 00:10:18,340 --> 00:10:20,219 S2: part that you just said is your fault. 197 00:10:20,260 --> 00:10:20,740 S1: Mhm. 198 00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:24,220 S2: And he said it was so difficult for people who 199 00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:27,300 S2: had just admitted, I'm partially at fault here to focus 200 00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:30,700 S2: on those things. Yes. And so, yeah, you're so right, 201 00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:33,500 S2: that man, when I come in with a winning mindset, 202 00:10:34,179 --> 00:10:36,780 S2: putting myself first, not not serving you like Jesus has 203 00:10:36,780 --> 00:10:38,980 S2: first served me, things blow up. Uh, Kim and I 204 00:10:38,980 --> 00:10:42,340 S2: have this little rhyme that goes me first makes a mess, 205 00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:46,260 S2: but you first makes us blessed. MM. So if I 206 00:10:46,260 --> 00:10:48,820 S2: can come in putting you first listening to you, well, man, 207 00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:50,180 S2: that's when marriage gets really good. 208 00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:53,300 S1: That's worth the price of admission for the program today. 209 00:10:53,340 --> 00:10:57,459 S1: And it's included in the book Newlywed A Christian Guide 210 00:10:57,460 --> 00:11:00,819 S1: for Loving Year one. It's our featured resource written by 211 00:11:00,820 --> 00:11:04,300 S1: pastor Mike Novotny. You can find out more about him 212 00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:08,100 S1: and a link to the book right there@chris.org. Now here's 213 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:14,660 S1: our number (877) 548-3675. I want to hear from you. What 214 00:11:14,660 --> 00:11:18,100 S1: is your best advice for those who've just said, I 215 00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:21,459 S1: do or I will or are about to? How do 216 00:11:21,460 --> 00:11:29,459 S1: you love well, in the first year of marriage. (877) 548-3675. 217 00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:41,340 S1: It is so great to have Mike Novotny back with 218 00:11:41,340 --> 00:11:44,980 S1: us today. He's written a book called Newlywed A Christian 219 00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:48,140 S1: Guide for loving Year one. And this is the struggle 220 00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:49,939 S1: for those who have just said I do. It's like 221 00:11:49,940 --> 00:11:52,740 S1: we don't need any help. There's no problems. We're. We're fine. 222 00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:56,420 S1: We're doing well until you're not. And so that's why 223 00:11:56,420 --> 00:11:58,420 S1: I wanted to have the program today with Mike. And 224 00:11:58,420 --> 00:12:00,660 S1: I'm asking you get on the phone with me right 225 00:12:00,660 --> 00:12:05,380 S1: now and tell me what is your best advice for loving. Well, 226 00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:07,860 S1: in year one? For what what is your advice to 227 00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:10,860 S1: the newlywed? Maybe it's from a mistake that you made 228 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:14,540 S1: when you were newly married years and years ago. Somebody 229 00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:20,780 S1: needs to hear what you have to say today. Eight. 775483675. 230 00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:27,620 S1: Margie says this. She says these see 12345678 words. You 231 00:12:27,620 --> 00:12:28,620 S1: ready for this Mike? 232 00:12:29,179 --> 00:12:30,180 S2: I'm I'm ready. 233 00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:35,340 S1: I'm sorry I was wrong. Please forgive me. What do 234 00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:38,100 S1: you think preach. 235 00:12:38,460 --> 00:12:42,939 S2: Yeah. Uh, man, that that humility is so, so important. Um, 236 00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:46,380 S2: if you think it dawned on me like yesterday, if 237 00:12:46,380 --> 00:12:50,540 S2: you think you're a good person, just get married because 238 00:12:50,780 --> 00:12:52,340 S2: you're going to find out really quickly that you have 239 00:12:52,340 --> 00:12:54,540 S2: some pretty strong opinions and you like to get your 240 00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:57,300 S2: way a lot. And so marriage is not just this 241 00:12:57,300 --> 00:13:01,460 S2: joy increasing, beautiful connection. It really does expose us and 242 00:13:01,460 --> 00:13:04,420 S2: refine us. And so it's crazy to me that I 243 00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:07,699 S2: love Kim more than almost anyone in the world. And 244 00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:10,300 S2: yet I've probably sinned against Kim more than anyone in 245 00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:13,980 S2: the world. Um, I'm 45 years old. We just celebrated 246 00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:16,500 S2: 23 years of marriage a couple of weeks ago, which 247 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,820 S2: means that Kim has spent more time with me than 248 00:13:18,860 --> 00:13:22,420 S2: my parents did or any other human on this planet 249 00:13:22,420 --> 00:13:25,540 S2: ever has. So I think that's really fantastic advice. You're 250 00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:28,060 S2: going to need a lot of grace, a lot of Jesus, 251 00:13:28,059 --> 00:13:30,540 S2: a lot of forgiveness, and a lot of unconditional love. 252 00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:35,540 S1: Um, talk about because several people on Facebook talked about 253 00:13:35,540 --> 00:13:40,059 S1: prayer and Katherine said, pray together daily. And from what 254 00:13:40,059 --> 00:13:43,900 S1: I hear, a couple that prays together. You know, statistical 255 00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:49,220 S1: data talking about divorce, it really falls. But even Christian couples, 256 00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:54,740 S1: many don't have never prayed together, not only daily, but 257 00:13:54,740 --> 00:13:57,540 S1: even even weekly. What do you say about that? 258 00:13:58,059 --> 00:14:01,740 S2: Mhm. Yeah. That's common. You're spot on. It is like 259 00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:06,980 S2: a super charged, powerful thing to unite you in emotional intimacy. 260 00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:09,260 S2: And it's also, for a lot of people, one of 261 00:14:09,260 --> 00:14:11,700 S2: the most awkward things you'll ever I mean, you could 262 00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:18,180 S2: see your spouse naked. Feels more comfortable than praying out loud. Mhm. Yeah. 263 00:14:18,179 --> 00:14:21,180 S2: For some, I mean, almost every prayer we've ever said 264 00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:25,900 S2: has either been scripted or it's been silent. And so 265 00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:28,220 S2: to open up in front of this person feels so vulnerable, 266 00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:32,820 S2: I feel clunky, I feel awkward, I'm stumbling over my words. 267 00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:35,220 S2: But I'll tell you this, on the other side of 268 00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:40,890 S2: that awkward is some amazing intimacy. And and here's why. Um, 269 00:14:41,450 --> 00:14:43,690 S2: when my wife can hear me literally talking to the 270 00:14:43,730 --> 00:14:47,410 S2: God of the universe about us. Um, when I, if 271 00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:49,610 S2: I thank God for my marriage in my head in 272 00:14:49,610 --> 00:14:53,330 S2: a silent prayer, that's great. But if Kim can literally 273 00:14:53,330 --> 00:14:55,090 S2: I'm talking to the God of the universe, and I'm 274 00:14:55,090 --> 00:14:59,530 S2: so grateful that she's my wife. Uh, wow. That's just 275 00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:03,130 S2: going to fill up her heart in this beautiful way. Or, um, 276 00:15:03,130 --> 00:15:04,890 S2: let's say it was a really rough day of marriage. 277 00:15:05,690 --> 00:15:08,490 S2: And she overhears me praying, um, as we lie next 278 00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:12,130 S2: together in bed. God, I'm sorry for today. Um, I 279 00:15:12,130 --> 00:15:15,810 S2: wasn't patient and I wasn't kind. And I didn't love 280 00:15:15,850 --> 00:15:18,250 S2: Kim the way that you loved me. And I'm sorry. 281 00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:20,930 S2: Thank you for forgiving me. And please help me tomorrow 282 00:15:20,930 --> 00:15:24,850 S2: to be a stronger, better, more selfless man when your 283 00:15:24,850 --> 00:15:28,890 S2: spouse can literally, like, overhear you talking to God about 284 00:15:28,890 --> 00:15:32,650 S2: those kind of things, how would anyone not be so grateful? Like, oh, 285 00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:36,250 S2: what a beautiful practice this is. Literally, you're talking to 286 00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:39,490 S2: God about us and about me. So is it awkward? 287 00:15:39,490 --> 00:15:41,570 S2: For sure. Is it going to be clunky? The first 288 00:15:41,570 --> 00:15:45,250 S2: 1217 times, without a doubt. But on the other side 289 00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:47,650 S2: of that awkwardness is something really, really beautiful. And I 290 00:15:47,650 --> 00:15:50,090 S2: hope you consider it as a practice in your marriage. 291 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,130 S1: But you don't. I just want to go to that 292 00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:58,050 S1: what you just said. You don't say that to God 293 00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:02,690 S1: without and go to God instead of going to her first, right? 294 00:16:02,730 --> 00:16:05,890 S1: I mean, because I could see her grabbing your face 295 00:16:05,890 --> 00:16:08,050 S1: and pulling look at you in the eye and say, 296 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:09,730 S1: why didn't you say that to me? Why are you 297 00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:11,930 S1: saying that to him? Right. Yeah. 298 00:16:12,570 --> 00:16:14,810 S2: I think it's a both and situation. Yes. You don't 299 00:16:14,810 --> 00:16:16,810 S2: have to choose. So yeah, start with her and then 300 00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:17,450 S2: go to him. 301 00:16:18,930 --> 00:16:21,770 S1: Well, that's even a biblical thing. If you have any problem, 302 00:16:21,810 --> 00:16:23,890 S1: you know, late at the altar and go, you know, 303 00:16:23,930 --> 00:16:27,530 S1: see your and and, and be reconciled. Uh, but I 304 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:30,570 S1: totally agree with you when you and I've heard this 305 00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:34,530 S1: from my wife before, it's like when, when there's been 306 00:16:34,530 --> 00:16:39,130 S1: this fracture or fissure when I've said something and I 307 00:16:39,170 --> 00:16:42,370 S1: have the humility. It doesn't happen often, but when I 308 00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:45,090 S1: have the humility to go and to say, you know what? 309 00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:48,530 S1: I am really sorry for, I. This was going on 310 00:16:48,530 --> 00:16:50,370 S1: and I'm not excusing it, but this was going on 311 00:16:50,370 --> 00:16:52,650 S1: and this was going on so much in my head 312 00:16:52,850 --> 00:16:56,810 S1: and I didn't I didn't connect with you before I 313 00:16:56,850 --> 00:17:00,010 S1: flew off the handle about whatever it was. And I'm 314 00:17:00,010 --> 00:17:04,290 S1: really sorry. And it's just like, that's almost that's a building, 315 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:07,810 S1: a bridge that, that we didn't even need to be there. 316 00:17:07,810 --> 00:17:11,530 S1: In one sense, it almost brings you closer together than 317 00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:14,369 S1: if you'd never made a mistake. Do you agree? Yeah. 318 00:17:15,130 --> 00:17:18,210 S2: 1,000%. It's proof that the person that I'm with is 319 00:17:18,210 --> 00:17:21,250 S2: really willing to work through difficult times and hard moments, 320 00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:23,810 S2: and they're not going to run away. They're going to 321 00:17:23,850 --> 00:17:25,369 S2: really want to keep the vow that they made to 322 00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:27,449 S2: love me unconditionally. And when they don't, they're going to 323 00:17:27,450 --> 00:17:30,369 S2: own it before me and before God and move forward together. 324 00:17:30,770 --> 00:17:34,290 S2: So yeah, maybe if someone's listening and just feels like, oh, 325 00:17:34,290 --> 00:17:36,290 S2: I've never done this before, where do I start? Is 326 00:17:36,290 --> 00:17:37,690 S2: it okay with you if I give just a real 327 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:38,969 S2: simple template or recipe? 328 00:17:39,010 --> 00:17:40,210 S1: Absolutely. Please do. 329 00:17:40,250 --> 00:17:43,209 S2: Yeah. Yeah. So if you're brand new to prayer, you know, 330 00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:45,090 S2: sometimes say, well, you're a pastor, you know, you got 331 00:17:45,090 --> 00:17:47,290 S2: you have so many words within you, maybe too many 332 00:17:47,290 --> 00:17:49,850 S2: words within you, but it comes easy for you. But 333 00:17:49,850 --> 00:17:52,010 S2: what about for the rest of us? I say, all 334 00:17:52,010 --> 00:17:54,770 S2: you have to do is say, Dear God. Then start 335 00:17:54,770 --> 00:17:57,850 S2: with thank you and just say whatever's on your mind. 336 00:17:57,850 --> 00:18:01,689 S2: Then say sorry and whatever's on your mind. And finally 337 00:18:01,690 --> 00:18:05,689 S2: say please and whatever's on your mind. So just the 338 00:18:05,690 --> 00:18:08,530 S2: three part prayer. Dear God, thank you for a good day. 339 00:18:08,970 --> 00:18:10,730 S2: Thank you for the fun we had on our date. 340 00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:14,890 S2: Part two. Uh. I'm sorry. God, I kind of had 341 00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:17,210 S2: the wrong tone in the middle of that conversation. Please 342 00:18:17,210 --> 00:18:20,090 S2: forgive me. And, you know, please, please give us a 343 00:18:20,090 --> 00:18:22,210 S2: good day. Please help us be an awesome time. Help 344 00:18:22,210 --> 00:18:23,930 S2: us have a good time on our our trip. Give 345 00:18:23,930 --> 00:18:26,650 S2: my wife a great day at work tomorrow. In Jesus name, Amen. 346 00:18:27,609 --> 00:18:29,850 S2: So you don't need these and thighs and thous. You 347 00:18:29,850 --> 00:18:32,050 S2: don't need to quote, uh, like one of the minor 348 00:18:32,050 --> 00:18:35,609 S2: prophets from the Old Testament, you know, I mean, just 349 00:18:35,609 --> 00:18:39,730 S2: follow that simple template. Thank you. Sorry. And please say amen. 350 00:18:39,730 --> 00:18:41,170 S2: And I think you're off to a great start. 351 00:18:41,730 --> 00:18:44,330 S1: If you want to bring Habakkuk into it, go for it. 352 00:18:44,970 --> 00:18:48,290 S1: But you don't have to. Okay, that's Mike Novotny. I 353 00:18:48,330 --> 00:18:52,010 S1: love how practical he is on all different levels. And 354 00:18:52,010 --> 00:18:56,290 S1: he gets into the sexual sexual intimacy in, in the book, 355 00:18:56,290 --> 00:18:57,770 S1: we're going to talk a little bit about that. At 356 00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:01,650 S1: least some, uh, newlywed, a Christian Guide for Loving Year 357 00:19:01,650 --> 00:19:06,369 S1: one is our featured resource. Chris fabriclive.org. Somebody, you know, 358 00:19:06,450 --> 00:19:09,570 S1: somebody who just got married probably needs this to hear 359 00:19:09,570 --> 00:19:12,610 S1: this conversation or the book. And we've got it linked 360 00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:17,090 S1: to Chris fabriclive.org. Your suggestion then from your own life 361 00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:19,970 S1: or what you've seen, what would you say to a newlywed? 362 00:19:20,010 --> 00:19:22,290 S1: Becky's in Florida. Becky, go right ahead. 363 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:25,090 S3: Hey, can you hear me? 364 00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:26,010 S1: Sure can. 365 00:19:27,090 --> 00:19:29,729 S3: All right. Thank you so much for having me on. Um, 366 00:19:29,850 --> 00:19:32,650 S3: I just wanted to say one of the things that 367 00:19:32,650 --> 00:19:34,890 S3: my husband and I have learned we've been married for 368 00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:41,210 S3: 24 years. Is just like the Bible says, do not 369 00:19:41,210 --> 00:19:46,010 S3: go to bed angry. Whatever it is that you guys 370 00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:50,090 S3: deal with, you resolve it. Or at least get to 371 00:19:50,130 --> 00:19:53,450 S3: a place where you can lay your head down and 372 00:19:53,450 --> 00:19:54,369 S3: have peace. 373 00:19:54,850 --> 00:19:58,210 S1: MM. Interesting. And I've heard that. So, you know, don't 374 00:19:58,210 --> 00:20:01,730 S1: don't let the sun go down. Uh, and I think 375 00:20:01,730 --> 00:20:03,650 S1: what you said at the end there, Becky, is really 376 00:20:03,650 --> 00:20:06,090 S1: important that you get to a place where both of 377 00:20:06,090 --> 00:20:08,450 S1: you can say, maybe you do need to go to 378 00:20:08,490 --> 00:20:11,409 S1: bed and you say, we'll come back to this tomorrow. 379 00:20:11,450 --> 00:20:13,770 S1: I love you, okay. Mike, what do you think of that? 380 00:20:15,010 --> 00:20:19,490 S2: I think that is fantastic advice for 93% of couples. Um, 381 00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:23,530 S2: but I happen to marry a woman who's in the 7%. Um, 382 00:20:24,050 --> 00:20:26,650 S2: sometimes when Kim and I will get into long arguments, 383 00:20:26,650 --> 00:20:28,370 S2: I don't know, I'm a I'm a wordy guy, so 384 00:20:28,369 --> 00:20:31,129 S2: I'd be making like point number seven to state my case. 385 00:20:31,410 --> 00:20:33,919 S2: And she would do that. She would do that twitch 386 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:38,000 S2: in bed. And I would say, wait, are you sleeping 387 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,840 S2: right now? Are you did you fall asleep in the 388 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,000 S2: middle of my monologue to prove why I'm an amazing husband? 389 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,919 S2: And I learned, I think about Kim every time I 390 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,320 S2: read that passage because she she is just such a 391 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:54,359 S2: morning person, and I love Becky's advice. For most of us, 392 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,080 S2: not going to bed with with bitterness kind of back 393 00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:58,880 S2: to back. Yes, you want to be able to turn 394 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,919 S2: toward your spouse and just know, hey, even if we 395 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:04,440 S2: have stuff to work through, I'm for you and you're 396 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,359 S2: for me, and we're going to work this out together. Um, 397 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,360 S2: but if by chance you married a woman like my wife, 398 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,600 S2: maybe just let her go to bed right away, and 399 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,400 S2: in the morning, it'll be like, 50% less serious. So. 400 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,200 S2: Or maybe it's just me. You. 401 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:20,920 S1: You could be the one who's the 7% as well. Uh, 402 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,560 S1: that sounds like you're not, uh. Becky. That's great. Thank 403 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,679 S1: you very much for calling today. Jeff's in Tennessee. Jeff, 404 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:28,880 S1: why did you call today? 405 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,600 S4: Well, I can't take credit for this one. This is 406 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,760 S4: what I heard Charlie Kirk say to Erica every single day. 407 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:40,560 S4: And that is, what can I do today to help 408 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,040 S4: you feel more loved? 409 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:46,199 S1: Ooh. Great question. Mike. What do you think? 410 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:52,399 S2: Let's go. That is the best question. I love that. Um, 411 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,720 S2: what can I do to help? Um, I heard a 412 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,920 S2: pastor say that years ago, and I have just found 413 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,120 S2: myself putting that on repeat because I'm a, I'm a, 414 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:02,160 S2: I'm an average dude, so I can't read between the lines, 415 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,960 S2: the nuance, the nonverbals, the like. I miss them constantly. 416 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,040 S2: So just that question on repeat, what can I do 417 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,800 S2: to help? Um, sometimes if I'm about to sit down 418 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,520 S2: with my phone and kind of zone out before I 419 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,960 S2: do that, I'll force myself to say, hey, before I 420 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,960 S2: sit down and relax, what can I do to help you? 421 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:22,400 S2: And I think before little frustrations become big things, it 422 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:26,040 S2: just establishes that we're here with a you first heart. 423 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,520 S2: We're trying to serve as Jesus first served us, and 424 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,920 S2: it just leads to health and happiness in a thousand 425 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,720 S2: different ways. So Amen to that. Fantastic advice. 426 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:38,400 S1: Jeff. Thank you. Um, Steve says learn how to fight. 427 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:42,400 S1: More importantly, how to resolve the issues and make up, 428 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,720 S1: but learn how to fight. And I think I know 429 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,720 S1: what he's saying by that. And I think you do 430 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,359 S1: as well. What do you say about Steve? 431 00:22:53,359 --> 00:22:56,199 S2: Yeah. Um, to this day, I think one of the 432 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,560 S2: harder things for most for me to do in marriage, 433 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,280 S2: and I think it's true for a lot of couples 434 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:05,800 S2: is when you disagree, to be able to express your 435 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:09,120 S2: spouse's point, what they're saying and why they're saying it 436 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:13,040 S2: even before you totally agree with it. So I think 437 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,639 S2: what normally happens is you want a and so you 438 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,280 S2: tell me about A and I say, oh, but B 439 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:19,119 S2: is better. And you say, no, A is better. And 440 00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:22,520 S2: here's why. What most couples miss. And it's so powerful. 441 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,920 S2: It just validates and speaks with empathy is when before 442 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,480 S2: I respond, I say, okay, Kim, so what I hear 443 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:33,480 S2: you saying is this. And you feel this way because that. 444 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,080 S2: And before I even say a word on my side, 445 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:39,800 S2: like just to give her the chance to say, yeah, okay, 446 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,800 S2: you understand exactly what I'm feeling right now and why 447 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:45,080 S2: I'm feeling it. So yeah, learn how to fight. I 448 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:47,520 S2: think that's a little bit of the secret sauce. Express 449 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:49,600 S2: in your own words, what your spouse has just said 450 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,600 S2: to you. And it just cuts through this like competitive, 451 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,399 S2: I think this, but you think that no, but I 452 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,600 S2: think this but you think that and it just lets 453 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,280 S2: you know, like, hey, I love you. I'm not on 454 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:00,840 S2: the same page just yet, but I want to understand 455 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,560 S2: you and I value your opinion and your voice. So 456 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,920 S2: learning how to fight is just an essential tactic in marriage. 457 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,800 S1: I think the struggle with that is that in our culture, 458 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:12,080 S1: and maybe I'm putting too much on the culture, but 459 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:17,240 S1: maybe I'm just maybe I'm just a narcissist. We don't listen. 460 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:21,600 S1: We don't we we're not trained to listen. We're always 461 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,280 S1: thinking of the next thing we're going to say and 462 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,120 S1: how I'm going to respond to that. And I get 463 00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:28,560 S1: stuck on the first sentence. When you said that word, 464 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,720 S1: then it's like, no, just back up a little bit. 465 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:35,119 S1: Just listen to the whole paragraph here rather than looking 466 00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:37,840 S1: at the one part of that sentence you disagree with 467 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,399 S1: so that you can then doing that speaker listener technique, 468 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,840 S1: here's what I'm hearing you saying. Is that right? And 469 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:48,840 S1: then you, you listen again because there may be some nuance. No, 470 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,280 S1: that's not what I'm saying. Um, and we do it, 471 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,840 S1: you know, we can do it here on the program 472 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,400 S1: with people who are calling in. This is what it 473 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,720 S1: sounds like is what you're saying. No, it's not. But 474 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,119 S1: this is not a marriage. You know, when you on, 475 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,120 S1: on the telephone, when you're with the person that you 476 00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:06,760 S1: want to spend the rest of your life with, and 477 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:10,159 S1: you're having those kinds of discussions, it ups the ante 478 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:11,400 S1: even more, doesn't it? 479 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,840 S2: Yeah, 1,000%. Uh, there's a pastor who founded the church 480 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,240 S2: where I serve here in Wisconsin, and he used to 481 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:22,520 S2: have this little phrase. He would say, STP equals LTP, 482 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:27,680 S2: which meant short term pleasure leads to long term pain. 483 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,679 S2: And I always think of that like if in the 484 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,639 S2: short term, I'm trying to get my way, I'm trying 485 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,240 S2: to win. I'm not listening. I can do that. But 486 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,919 S2: it's probably going to leave me with some long term pain, 487 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:41,239 S2: some disagreements, some distance between us. Okay, let me. 488 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,120 S1: Explain more of that when we come back from a break. 489 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,520 S1: I love that and we're going to hear about the 490 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,880 S1: stoplight as well. That's Mike Novotny. This is Chris Fabry 491 00:25:49,880 --> 00:26:04,919 S1: live on Moody Radio. Thanks for joining us today for 492 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:13,400 S1: Chris Fabry live online at Chris fabry.org. Mike Novotny is back. Pastor, author. 493 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:19,200 S1: His latest is newlywed A Christian Guide for loving year one. 494 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:23,080 S1: And we're talking about communication right now. He also talks 495 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:27,629 S1: about faith and sex and finances, chores, in-laws, and a 496 00:26:27,630 --> 00:26:30,590 S1: whole lot more in that book. It's our featured resource 497 00:26:30,590 --> 00:26:35,310 S1: at Chris Fabry live.org. Chris fabriclive.org. Okay. Right. As we 498 00:26:35,310 --> 00:26:39,990 S1: took the break there, you were talking STPLTP short term pleasure, 499 00:26:40,190 --> 00:26:44,030 S1: long term pain. Develop that for me now. 500 00:26:45,990 --> 00:26:48,150 S2: Yeah. Sometimes when we try to get our way, which 501 00:26:48,150 --> 00:26:51,510 S2: feels so pleasurable in the moment, we leave ourselves with 502 00:26:51,510 --> 00:26:54,189 S2: so much pain in the future. But the pastor who 503 00:26:54,190 --> 00:26:55,750 S2: taught me that, he flipped it and he said, but 504 00:26:55,750 --> 00:26:59,869 S2: but also STP equals LTP. Short term pain leads to 505 00:26:59,910 --> 00:27:03,190 S2: long term pleasure. So if I can do the humbling thing, 506 00:27:03,190 --> 00:27:05,909 S2: that might be difficult in the moment. Wow. Who would 507 00:27:05,950 --> 00:27:09,070 S2: have thought? God exalts the humble people like to be 508 00:27:09,070 --> 00:27:12,230 S2: listened to. Maybe putting you first is short term painful, 509 00:27:12,230 --> 00:27:15,430 S2: but it just leads to this thriving, beautiful marriage. And 510 00:27:15,470 --> 00:27:17,710 S2: I think that applies best to communication. I was doing 511 00:27:17,710 --> 00:27:21,510 S2: some marriage counseling a month or two ago, and it 512 00:27:21,510 --> 00:27:22,990 S2: struck me this couple was in a really kind of 513 00:27:22,990 --> 00:27:26,350 S2: rough spot. And when the husband spoke, he would talk about, 514 00:27:26,390 --> 00:27:27,870 S2: you know, all the things he was trying to do 515 00:27:27,869 --> 00:27:29,870 S2: to love his wife and serve her and put their 516 00:27:29,869 --> 00:27:32,470 S2: family first. And then he would talk about all these 517 00:27:32,470 --> 00:27:35,710 S2: things that were frustrating him about her. So it's kind 518 00:27:35,710 --> 00:27:37,190 S2: of like, here's the good things I do and here's 519 00:27:37,190 --> 00:27:40,590 S2: the bad things that she does. So she's listening. Then 520 00:27:40,590 --> 00:27:43,389 S2: it's her turn to talk. And you know, what do 521 00:27:43,390 --> 00:27:45,669 S2: you know, Chris? She didn't want to dwell much on 522 00:27:45,670 --> 00:27:47,710 S2: the good things her husband did and the bad things 523 00:27:47,710 --> 00:27:50,270 S2: that she did. She kind of flipped the script and said, oh, 524 00:27:50,310 --> 00:27:52,710 S2: but did you forget about the good things that I do? 525 00:27:52,869 --> 00:27:54,350 S2: And why don't you tell the pastor about the bad 526 00:27:54,350 --> 00:27:57,949 S2: things that you do? And it kind of dawned on 527 00:27:57,950 --> 00:28:02,629 S2: me that in every marriage, there's my good, there's your good, 528 00:28:02,670 --> 00:28:05,110 S2: there's my bad, and there's your bad. There's a kind 529 00:28:05,109 --> 00:28:08,070 S2: of four boxes that we could talk about, and it 530 00:28:08,070 --> 00:28:11,030 S2: feels kind of pleasurable to boast about myself and to 531 00:28:11,070 --> 00:28:14,149 S2: point out where you're wrong. The painful thing is to 532 00:28:14,190 --> 00:28:17,030 S2: humble myself and, like, own my sin and work really 533 00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:18,910 S2: hard to kind of build you up and compliment you 534 00:28:18,910 --> 00:28:22,190 S2: where you're right. But the best couples kind of dwell 535 00:28:22,590 --> 00:28:25,990 S2: in those maybe short term, painful boxes where I'm going 536 00:28:25,990 --> 00:28:28,470 S2: to look in the mirror. I'm going to own my stuff. 537 00:28:28,710 --> 00:28:30,670 S2: I'm going to confess my sin to you. Because if 538 00:28:30,670 --> 00:28:33,830 S2: I focus on my bad and you're good, very often 539 00:28:33,830 --> 00:28:35,670 S2: you have a way of kind of reciprocating that. And 540 00:28:35,670 --> 00:28:38,950 S2: we stay humble, we stay encouraging, and we stay close 541 00:28:38,950 --> 00:28:40,350 S2: and united to each other in love. 542 00:28:41,550 --> 00:28:44,590 S1: But most couples don't get to the point where they'll 543 00:28:44,590 --> 00:28:48,390 S1: come to you or a counselor in the first year. 544 00:28:49,070 --> 00:28:53,790 S1: Most say, well, we'll ride this through. And it's not 545 00:28:53,790 --> 00:28:57,310 S1: until a few years down the road that they say, wow, 546 00:28:57,350 --> 00:28:59,830 S1: we're in a really bad place. And the reason is 547 00:28:59,830 --> 00:29:03,830 S1: because of what happens in that first year and then beyond. 548 00:29:04,230 --> 00:29:05,270 S1: Do you agree with that? 549 00:29:06,390 --> 00:29:09,950 S2: I do, yeah. You know, everything is new. So you're 550 00:29:09,950 --> 00:29:12,630 S2: trying to figure out what's normal and what's not. And 551 00:29:12,670 --> 00:29:14,310 S2: of course, you could read this book and you could 552 00:29:14,310 --> 00:29:15,990 S2: read the whole Bible cover to cover. And there's still 553 00:29:15,990 --> 00:29:18,310 S2: going to be struggles and hiccups and bumps in the road. 554 00:29:18,670 --> 00:29:22,070 S2: But I think before something becomes like a deeply ingrained habit. 555 00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:25,590 S2: You want to work on it. So, so much better 556 00:29:25,590 --> 00:29:27,870 S2: to ask some good Christian friends for advice or to 557 00:29:27,910 --> 00:29:30,430 S2: reach out to a pastor. We can course correct like 558 00:29:30,470 --> 00:29:33,790 S2: a one degree if we're off much easier than 30 559 00:29:33,790 --> 00:29:36,430 S2: degrees because we're ten years down the road and develop 560 00:29:36,430 --> 00:29:39,469 S2: some really ugly habits. So I say part of the 561 00:29:39,470 --> 00:29:42,230 S2: challenge as a newlywed is just staying humble enough to admit, hey, 562 00:29:42,230 --> 00:29:45,510 S2: we're new, we're figuring this out. We argue about this 563 00:29:45,510 --> 00:29:47,390 S2: all the time. Is this normal? Are we weird? Do 564 00:29:47,390 --> 00:29:49,550 S2: we need help? Do we need to change? So just 565 00:29:49,550 --> 00:29:51,710 S2: inviting the community into those discussions can be such a 566 00:29:51,710 --> 00:29:52,430 S2: helpful thing. 567 00:29:52,870 --> 00:29:55,910 S1: Yeah. And that does take humility. And it and it 568 00:29:55,910 --> 00:29:59,270 S1: takes a you have to put down your pride a 569 00:29:59,270 --> 00:30:02,510 S1: little bit. What is the single most dangerous thing that 570 00:30:02,510 --> 00:30:04,470 S1: couples bring into marriage? 571 00:30:05,910 --> 00:30:18,910 S2: MM. Um, their own sinful nature. Next question. Yeah. It's I. 572 00:30:19,230 --> 00:30:23,830 S2: So the sinful nature. 500 years ago the. The reformers 573 00:30:23,830 --> 00:30:28,270 S2: defined it as a person who was turned inward. Um, 574 00:30:28,510 --> 00:30:30,630 S2: and so, so much, I think, of marital conflict is 575 00:30:30,630 --> 00:30:34,910 S2: that that man, I just have this incessant flesh that's 576 00:30:34,910 --> 00:30:38,110 S2: always thinking about me and what I want for dinner 577 00:30:38,590 --> 00:30:40,590 S2: and the chores that I want to do and the 578 00:30:40,590 --> 00:30:43,070 S2: time that I want to do them, and how I 579 00:30:43,070 --> 00:30:44,990 S2: want to parent and how many hours I want to 580 00:30:45,030 --> 00:30:47,430 S2: work and how I want to use my phone. And 581 00:30:47,430 --> 00:30:51,190 S2: whenever I'm turned inward. And I've, I've taken that sacred 582 00:30:51,190 --> 00:30:53,790 S2: vow to turn myself outward and love another person. There's 583 00:30:53,790 --> 00:30:56,790 S2: going to be a conflict. So yeah, we can talk 584 00:30:56,790 --> 00:31:00,030 S2: about specifics about spending habits or maybe not having left 585 00:31:00,030 --> 00:31:02,350 S2: your family of origin when you step into marriage. But 586 00:31:02,350 --> 00:31:04,390 S2: but I think it almost always comes back to this. 587 00:31:04,670 --> 00:31:07,110 S2: AM I trying to put myself first and to go 588 00:31:07,110 --> 00:31:09,870 S2: back to that classic rhyme me first makes a mess, 589 00:31:10,070 --> 00:31:11,510 S2: but you first makes us blessed. 590 00:31:12,590 --> 00:31:16,910 S1: So that image that I have of. And I read 591 00:31:16,910 --> 00:31:20,950 S1: this on other writers, a heart that is curved inward, 592 00:31:21,230 --> 00:31:24,950 S1: like you're talking about. What that means to me is 593 00:31:24,950 --> 00:31:29,470 S1: someone with a closed hands, almost in a fist that's 594 00:31:29,470 --> 00:31:35,110 S1: very tight against them, or open hands extended. And those 595 00:31:35,110 --> 00:31:37,510 S1: are two very different postures, aren't they? 596 00:31:38,070 --> 00:31:40,550 S2: Yeah. Yeah. That's a beautiful way to put it. I'm 597 00:31:40,550 --> 00:31:43,310 S2: here to give and to receive versus I'm holding on 598 00:31:43,350 --> 00:31:46,030 S2: to my pride, my ego and my way of doing things. 599 00:31:47,510 --> 00:31:53,670 S1: The, the whole area of the sexual relationship, intimacy and marriage. 600 00:31:54,350 --> 00:31:56,830 S1: And I think those sometimes those two things, you can 601 00:31:56,830 --> 00:32:01,110 S1: have intimacy. That's not sexual intimacy. But if you just 602 00:32:01,110 --> 00:32:04,710 S1: talk about the physical sexual intimacy part of marriage, I 603 00:32:04,710 --> 00:32:07,110 S1: think most people. And it sounds like from what I 604 00:32:07,110 --> 00:32:10,030 S1: read in your book, you felt this way, hey, who 605 00:32:10,030 --> 00:32:12,950 S1: needs any help with this? This is just going to, 606 00:32:12,990 --> 00:32:15,630 S1: you know, I know what to do. We know what 607 00:32:15,630 --> 00:32:19,060 S1: to do, and you don't even ask any questions about it. 608 00:32:19,060 --> 00:32:20,580 S1: But that's not true, is it? 609 00:32:22,660 --> 00:32:25,420 S2: It really isn't. Oh, man. Thank you for having the courage, 610 00:32:25,420 --> 00:32:27,940 S2: by the way, Chris, to talk about these things. Um, 611 00:32:28,500 --> 00:32:31,700 S2: year seven. Kim and I are married seven years in 612 00:32:31,700 --> 00:32:34,660 S2: two little kids, two full time jobs, and we're sitting 613 00:32:34,660 --> 00:32:37,300 S2: in a counselor's office. And what are we talking about? 614 00:32:37,740 --> 00:32:39,700 S2: We're not talking about money. We're not talking about parenting. 615 00:32:39,700 --> 00:32:46,300 S2: We're talking about sex. Um, just different expectations, different wirings. 616 00:32:46,300 --> 00:32:49,060 S2: We'd have the same argument like every 90 days. We 617 00:32:49,100 --> 00:32:51,660 S2: loved each other. We loved Jesus. Most of the other 618 00:32:51,660 --> 00:32:53,540 S2: areas of our marriage were going pretty well, but this 619 00:32:53,540 --> 00:32:56,900 S2: was just a constant source of frustration. And I so 620 00:32:56,940 --> 00:32:59,300 S2: wish someone had just sat me down and had, like 621 00:32:59,300 --> 00:33:03,260 S2: an honest, grown up, married sex talk. I didn't need, 622 00:33:03,300 --> 00:33:06,060 S2: like a biology lesson from middle school. I needed to 623 00:33:06,060 --> 00:33:10,100 S2: understand how desire worked, how people tend to be different, 624 00:33:10,100 --> 00:33:13,020 S2: sometimes lining up with stereotypes, but sometimes not. I needed 625 00:33:13,020 --> 00:33:15,740 S2: to learn how to communicate about sex and be patient 626 00:33:15,740 --> 00:33:19,979 S2: with sex. Um, in my own story, unfortunately, um, I 627 00:33:19,980 --> 00:33:22,180 S2: was a virgin when I got married, but I had 628 00:33:22,180 --> 00:33:27,540 S2: a long, unfortunate history with pornography. And. Chris, uh, I 629 00:33:27,540 --> 00:33:30,580 S2: think the greatest damage that all that exposure to pornography 630 00:33:30,580 --> 00:33:32,860 S2: did to me and to Kim and to our marriage 631 00:33:33,100 --> 00:33:36,260 S2: was suddenly convincing me that sex was supposed to be 632 00:33:36,260 --> 00:33:40,700 S2: so easy. You know, I like you. You like me. 633 00:33:40,700 --> 00:33:42,860 S2: I'm attracted to you. You're attracted to me. Boom. That's 634 00:33:42,860 --> 00:33:45,300 S2: all we need. And what I actually found out in 635 00:33:45,300 --> 00:33:48,740 S2: real life is that sex is much more complicated than that. Um, 636 00:33:48,740 --> 00:33:51,460 S2: some people have this spontaneous desire where they're interested in 637 00:33:51,460 --> 00:33:54,260 S2: intimacy pretty quickly. You know, I come home from work, 638 00:33:54,260 --> 00:33:56,580 S2: I see you, I like you, I want you. What 639 00:33:56,580 --> 00:33:59,900 S2: do you think where other people have what counselors sometimes 640 00:33:59,900 --> 00:34:04,060 S2: call a responsive desire? Where? Whoa. No, they don't like, 641 00:34:04,100 --> 00:34:08,020 S2: turn the the passion dial up that quickly. Instead, it's 642 00:34:08,020 --> 00:34:11,060 S2: only after sex begins that their bodies respond and they 643 00:34:11,060 --> 00:34:13,820 S2: really enjoy the process. And I don't think I understood 644 00:34:13,820 --> 00:34:16,860 S2: that distinction. And so, you know, I have this pornography 645 00:34:16,860 --> 00:34:19,420 S2: background thinking this should be easy. My wife was a 646 00:34:19,420 --> 00:34:23,180 S2: person with responsive desire, so she wasn't initiating intimacy nearly 647 00:34:23,180 --> 00:34:25,339 S2: as much as I was. I was wondering, what's wrong 648 00:34:25,340 --> 00:34:27,500 S2: with us? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? 649 00:34:27,660 --> 00:34:30,339 S2: I would sometimes ask her when she wasn't responding quickly, like, 650 00:34:30,380 --> 00:34:33,100 S2: are you okay? Um, which turns out to be a 651 00:34:33,100 --> 00:34:35,540 S2: very unromantic thing to say when you're kissing a woman. 652 00:34:36,980 --> 00:34:40,339 S2: Are you okay? And, man, I just. I know so 653 00:34:40,340 --> 00:34:42,339 S2: much more now. We're in such a better place now, 654 00:34:42,340 --> 00:34:43,700 S2: and I just wish I could go back to that 655 00:34:43,700 --> 00:34:47,300 S2: 22 year old Mike and say, hey, can we sit down? 656 00:34:47,340 --> 00:34:49,779 S2: Let me tell you about how sex actually works. And 657 00:34:49,780 --> 00:34:51,339 S2: it just would have saved me so much drama, so 658 00:34:51,340 --> 00:34:53,860 S2: much heartache, and put me in such a better spot early. 659 00:34:53,860 --> 00:34:56,340 S2: So I'm really excited about people reading this part of 660 00:34:56,340 --> 00:34:58,140 S2: the book. It's what I wish I would have had 661 00:34:58,180 --> 00:34:59,260 S2: 23 years ago. 662 00:34:59,500 --> 00:35:02,620 S1: Exactly. That's what you've done. You've taken the wound and 663 00:35:02,620 --> 00:35:05,540 S1: I talk about this often. Everybody has a wound in 664 00:35:05,580 --> 00:35:08,820 S1: their life, and God wants to heal that wound. And 665 00:35:09,140 --> 00:35:11,540 S1: the scar is still there. And the wound is a 666 00:35:11,540 --> 00:35:14,700 S1: place of healing for you. You've found that. And then 667 00:35:14,700 --> 00:35:17,060 S1: it can be a place of healing for other people. 668 00:35:17,300 --> 00:35:20,540 S1: And that's included in the book Newly Wed A Christian 669 00:35:20,540 --> 00:35:25,820 S1: Guide for Loving Year one, written by Mike Novotny. NOVOTNY. 670 00:35:25,860 --> 00:35:32,620 S1: You can find it at Chris fabriclive.org. FABRY Chris fabriclive.org. 671 00:35:33,260 --> 00:35:35,580 S1: We have more suggestions. We got to get to the 672 00:35:35,580 --> 00:35:38,980 S1: stoplight and more calls straight ahead. This is Chris Fabry 673 00:35:38,980 --> 00:35:55,259 S1: live on Moody Radio. The question I asked on Facebook 674 00:35:55,300 --> 00:35:58,780 S1: is for the newlywed. What's your best advice about year one? 675 00:35:58,780 --> 00:36:02,100 S1: And there are so many answers to that. Debbie said. 676 00:36:02,100 --> 00:36:05,100 S1: You're going to disagree about everything you know. Work it out. 677 00:36:05,460 --> 00:36:08,819 S1: Dawn says no hasty decisions. Give yourself time to get 678 00:36:08,820 --> 00:36:13,180 S1: to know each other. year. One's vision starts before the 679 00:36:13,180 --> 00:36:17,540 S1: official I do. That said, focus on time planning the marriage, 680 00:36:17,540 --> 00:36:21,379 S1: not the wedding. So all of those things and a 681 00:36:21,380 --> 00:36:24,780 S1: whole lot more are included in the book by Mike Novotny, 682 00:36:24,820 --> 00:36:30,259 S1: newlywed A Christian Guide for Loving Year one. I find 683 00:36:30,260 --> 00:36:37,380 S1: it linked@kris.org, but Montes called us today and I'll guarantee you. Monty. 684 00:36:38,180 --> 00:36:41,140 S1: Monty wants to be on topic today, but he's a 685 00:36:41,140 --> 00:36:45,459 S1: little bit off topic because there's there's a heart situation 686 00:36:45,460 --> 00:36:47,819 S1: that you're going through. Monty and I saw this, and 687 00:36:47,820 --> 00:36:49,580 S1: I think we want to Mike and I want to 688 00:36:49,580 --> 00:36:51,620 S1: go there with you. So tell me why you called. 689 00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:55,339 S5: Okay. Well thank you. I love your show. Listen to 690 00:36:55,380 --> 00:36:59,100 S5: it every Friday. If it's on every day, I don't know, 691 00:36:59,100 --> 00:37:02,780 S5: because it's the only time I listen is on Fridays. But, um, 692 00:37:03,260 --> 00:37:06,860 S5: the situation is, is that there is another dynamic going 693 00:37:06,860 --> 00:37:11,900 S5: on between men and women, married couples where, you know, 694 00:37:11,940 --> 00:37:14,420 S5: Matthew 24, it says, be not deceived. There's a whole 695 00:37:14,420 --> 00:37:17,540 S5: bunch of things in there about deception. Some people have 696 00:37:17,540 --> 00:37:23,300 S5: inter-marriages where they are deceived. They're marrying somebody they think 697 00:37:23,620 --> 00:37:26,779 S5: is a Christian. They go to church, they hold their 698 00:37:26,780 --> 00:37:29,100 S5: hands in the air. They cry. They're involved in the 699 00:37:29,100 --> 00:37:32,620 S5: food pantry. They're involved in the youth. They do. They 700 00:37:32,660 --> 00:37:36,660 S5: do it at home. It's a living hell. It's abuse. 701 00:37:37,060 --> 00:37:40,300 S5: And when you tell somebody or something, oh, man, she 702 00:37:40,820 --> 00:37:43,740 S5: seems nice to me. Everything's going, you know, and you're like, 703 00:37:44,020 --> 00:37:47,260 S5: you go to marriage counseling, spend thousands of dollars trying 704 00:37:47,260 --> 00:37:52,060 S5: to figure out eventually, if your head's not screwed on straight, 705 00:37:52,060 --> 00:37:56,260 S5: you'll start thinking it's you. You exhaust all these possibilities. 706 00:37:56,260 --> 00:37:59,540 S5: And then finally, one day you find out that they're cheating. 707 00:37:59,540 --> 00:38:02,620 S5: They're doing all kinds of things. And, you know, six 708 00:38:02,620 --> 00:38:05,739 S5: months later, after a 30 year marriage, they're married to 709 00:38:05,780 --> 00:38:09,890 S5: somebody else. And you sit back and you're like, what? 710 00:38:09,930 --> 00:38:13,930 S5: And I have talked to a lot of people, and 711 00:38:13,930 --> 00:38:17,490 S5: I'm not the only one. It's men. It's women. Uh, 712 00:38:18,330 --> 00:38:23,930 S5: you know, sometimes the enemy puts on your uniform and 713 00:38:23,930 --> 00:38:28,330 S5: they'll be sleeping next to you and they're in church and, God, 714 00:38:28,370 --> 00:38:31,250 S5: you know, this is awful. But sometimes pastors even fall 715 00:38:31,250 --> 00:38:34,690 S5: into these things. But I love your program, and I 716 00:38:34,690 --> 00:38:38,850 S5: listen to and what you're doing is great is uplifting people. And, and, 717 00:38:39,010 --> 00:38:45,129 S5: but there are some people and some marriages that are, uh, they're, it's, 718 00:38:45,130 --> 00:38:49,530 S5: it's a whole nother world and how to maneuver through 719 00:38:49,530 --> 00:38:53,129 S5: that is only through Christ and his love and his he, 720 00:38:53,170 --> 00:38:56,410 S5: he can help you, at least he has in my life. He's, 721 00:38:56,410 --> 00:39:00,129 S5: he's healed. I'm healing. But I meet other people going 722 00:39:00,130 --> 00:39:03,370 S5: through this. When you hear these awful stories about people 723 00:39:03,370 --> 00:39:08,330 S5: that lose their minds and do horrible things to their families. And, 724 00:39:08,530 --> 00:39:12,770 S5: you know, just I won't even go there. But it's 725 00:39:12,770 --> 00:39:16,490 S5: maddening when you've read all the books, the five love 726 00:39:16,489 --> 00:39:20,890 S5: languages in this, but you this doesn't work with this 727 00:39:20,890 --> 00:39:25,130 S5: type of person. And it is, uh, it's an epidemic 728 00:39:25,130 --> 00:39:27,209 S5: right now. Okay, let's. 729 00:39:27,210 --> 00:39:30,330 S1: Just stop right there, Marty, and just sit in. I 730 00:39:30,330 --> 00:39:33,770 S1: want to sit in because this is where you are. Uh, 731 00:39:33,770 --> 00:39:36,610 S1: and this is. And I'm glad you called. And thank 732 00:39:36,610 --> 00:39:39,969 S1: you for being honest with the situation that you're in. 733 00:39:40,010 --> 00:39:44,810 S1: It sounds like you are going through a process where, yeah, 734 00:39:44,850 --> 00:39:48,410 S1: you're upset and that all of this has happened, but 735 00:39:48,410 --> 00:39:52,090 S1: you still, at the same time are allowing God to 736 00:39:52,130 --> 00:39:54,569 S1: to move in you. I don't hear a whole lot 737 00:39:54,570 --> 00:39:58,610 S1: of blame of God for this. So I'll just say that. 738 00:39:58,610 --> 00:40:01,009 S1: And I want Mike to come alongside you now. Mike, 739 00:40:01,010 --> 00:40:01,810 S1: what do you say? 740 00:40:03,290 --> 00:40:06,170 S2: Yeah, Monte, I I'm so sorry when people end up 741 00:40:06,170 --> 00:40:09,049 S2: in this situation. Um, when you say I do or 742 00:40:09,050 --> 00:40:11,569 S2: I will. You never want it to end this way. 743 00:40:11,570 --> 00:40:14,290 S2: And sometimes it does. I think of the book of 744 00:40:14,290 --> 00:40:17,649 S2: Proverbs that it's not a book filled with promises. It's 745 00:40:17,650 --> 00:40:20,770 S2: a book filled with probabilities. So I think a lot 746 00:40:20,770 --> 00:40:22,569 S2: of what Chris and I have talked about is, you know, 747 00:40:22,610 --> 00:40:26,210 S2: probably if you have these communication habits and probably if 748 00:40:26,250 --> 00:40:29,810 S2: you put this person first, but your call is so 749 00:40:29,810 --> 00:40:34,010 S2: appreciated because those are probabilities and they're not guarantees. And 750 00:40:34,010 --> 00:40:36,370 S2: sometimes your heart does get broken. And so I think 751 00:40:36,370 --> 00:40:39,250 S2: I would want to say this to anyone in the situation. 752 00:40:39,450 --> 00:40:42,890 S2: The best thing about being a Christian in marriage is 753 00:40:42,890 --> 00:40:47,810 S2: not your marriage, it's Christ. Because sometimes in marriage a 754 00:40:47,810 --> 00:40:52,250 S2: person will hurt you, but Jesus Christ never will. And 755 00:40:52,570 --> 00:40:55,770 S2: sometimes a person in marriage will deceive you. But Jesus 756 00:40:55,770 --> 00:40:57,610 S2: Christ is the truth, and there's not an ounce of 757 00:40:57,610 --> 00:41:01,049 S2: darkness or deception in him. Sometimes a person in marriage 758 00:41:01,050 --> 00:41:02,730 S2: will leave you and move on and find someone that 759 00:41:02,730 --> 00:41:05,609 S2: they prefer. But Jesus has said, never will I leave you, 760 00:41:05,610 --> 00:41:09,170 S2: and never will I forsake you. So it's so important 761 00:41:09,170 --> 00:41:12,050 S2: when we enter marriage to recognize. I hope and pray 762 00:41:12,050 --> 00:41:15,169 S2: I'm working so hard to have this good probable outcome. 763 00:41:15,170 --> 00:41:18,170 S2: But if it falls apart, if I'm left with a 764 00:41:18,170 --> 00:41:20,330 S2: broken heart, I will still have a rock that I 765 00:41:20,330 --> 00:41:23,650 S2: can stand on because I still have the most loving, compassionate, 766 00:41:23,650 --> 00:41:26,770 S2: present partner who could be, which is my amazing, glorious Savior, 767 00:41:26,770 --> 00:41:27,610 S2: Jesus Christ. 768 00:41:28,010 --> 00:41:32,290 S1: MM. And it sounds to me like, Monty, that you're, 769 00:41:32,770 --> 00:41:36,210 S1: you're not going through this alone, that you've invited other 770 00:41:36,210 --> 00:41:39,850 S1: people or a counselor or a pastor or somebody in 771 00:41:40,210 --> 00:41:43,450 S1: to kind of walk with you through this. Is that true? 772 00:41:44,969 --> 00:41:48,410 S5: Uh, yes. I don't mean to sound flippant, but I'm fine. 773 00:41:49,370 --> 00:41:52,250 S5: The the level of abuse was so bad that it 774 00:41:52,250 --> 00:41:56,130 S5: is nice to hear silence. MM. Uh, but I yearn, 775 00:41:56,130 --> 00:42:00,290 S5: and I hurt for my family. I got kids. Uh, that's. 776 00:42:00,330 --> 00:42:04,089 S5: I mean, uh, I'm the Lord is is very, uh. 777 00:42:04,090 --> 00:42:08,049 S5: I'm fine. But when when other people, like I say, 778 00:42:08,050 --> 00:42:10,410 S5: I I'm in a church and I talk to other 779 00:42:10,410 --> 00:42:14,050 S5: people and they're going through these same things. And it's, it's, 780 00:42:14,090 --> 00:42:17,810 S5: it's not your garden variety. Oh, we're having a lack 781 00:42:17,810 --> 00:42:21,890 S5: of communication problem. Oh, we're just not connecting. You're married 782 00:42:21,890 --> 00:42:29,890 S5: to a demon. Parading as a Christian. And, and. 783 00:42:31,010 --> 00:42:33,850 S1: Yeah, I and I, here's what I want to do 784 00:42:33,850 --> 00:42:36,130 S1: because we're we're running out of time. Mike, would you 785 00:42:36,130 --> 00:42:42,170 S1: pray for Monty and, uh, his his family, especially his kids. 786 00:42:42,570 --> 00:42:45,690 S1: The situation there and the other people that I can 787 00:42:45,730 --> 00:42:48,970 S1: sense who are waving at the radio saying, hey, I'm 788 00:42:48,969 --> 00:42:51,850 S1: in that same kind of situation right now. Would you 789 00:42:51,850 --> 00:42:52,650 S1: pray for them? 790 00:42:53,210 --> 00:42:56,690 S2: Yeah, I would love to. Um, dear God, the Psalms 791 00:42:56,690 --> 00:42:59,810 S2: say that you are close to the brokenhearted and you 792 00:42:59,850 --> 00:43:03,009 S2: save those who are crushed in spirit. And so for 793 00:43:03,010 --> 00:43:05,570 S2: all whose spirits have been have been crushed and broken 794 00:43:05,570 --> 00:43:09,169 S2: like Montes have, for the children who are sometimes caught 795 00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:12,250 S2: up in these difficult situations. We pray that you would 796 00:43:12,250 --> 00:43:15,690 S2: draw so clear, so close as a good shepherd, and 797 00:43:15,690 --> 00:43:17,650 S2: be there with all of your compassion and all of 798 00:43:17,650 --> 00:43:22,049 S2: your healing power. Um, father, when when the Apostle Paul 799 00:43:22,050 --> 00:43:26,170 S2: was unfairly accused and arrested, when he sat in jail, 800 00:43:26,170 --> 00:43:28,290 S2: not for a few days, but for a few years, 801 00:43:29,010 --> 00:43:32,049 S2: you had not abandoned him. And it was only years 802 00:43:32,050 --> 00:43:35,049 S2: afterwards that you stirred him to write the book of Ephesians, 803 00:43:35,050 --> 00:43:37,570 S2: where we learned that we're saved by grace through faith 804 00:43:37,570 --> 00:43:40,810 S2: in Jesus. And so we believe that in hard, confusing, 805 00:43:40,810 --> 00:43:44,770 S2: even unjust and unfair moments that your sovereign and almighty 806 00:43:44,810 --> 00:43:47,730 S2: hand is still working things out for our good. So 807 00:43:47,730 --> 00:43:50,330 S2: for everyone who's hurting, for everyone who has been betrayed, 808 00:43:50,810 --> 00:43:53,169 S2: for everyone who is the victim of someone who broke 809 00:43:53,170 --> 00:43:55,569 S2: their vows. I pray that you would keep that promise 810 00:43:55,770 --> 00:43:57,250 S2: that you made to us in Romans eight by the 811 00:43:57,250 --> 00:44:00,240 S2: blood of your son, that in all things, even these things. 812 00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:02,160 S2: You're working for the good of those who love you, 813 00:44:02,200 --> 00:44:04,880 S2: who have been called according to your purpose. We're holding 814 00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:06,320 S2: you to it, God, because you're a God of goodness 815 00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:09,920 S2: and truth, and we're praying it all today. In Jesus name. Amen. 816 00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:13,839 S1: Amen. Marty, thank you for calling today. It's it's a 817 00:44:13,840 --> 00:44:18,200 S1: tough situation for you just even to discuss or to 818 00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:20,799 S1: bring up here, but it's one that I know that 819 00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:24,200 S1: a lot of people are going through. And as you said, 820 00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:26,880 S1: so thank you for doing that. And then for the, 821 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:29,800 S1: the rest of us in year one, it's like, well, I, 822 00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:32,200 S1: you know, if I'm listening to this, I'm in year one. 823 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:36,160 S1: It's like, I don't want to wind up that way. Maybe, 824 00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:40,480 S1: maybe nobody plans to do that. And, and how important to, 825 00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:44,479 S1: to draw together so that you don't separate like that 826 00:44:44,480 --> 00:44:48,320 S1: and get to that situation. Um, Mike, is there any, 827 00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:51,240 S1: any encouragement you want to give to the couple that's 828 00:44:51,239 --> 00:44:55,200 S1: been newly married who isn't necessarily facing a lot of 829 00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:58,160 S1: struggles right now, but what you want to say to them. 830 00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:02,839 S2: Yeah, yeah. Monty's situation is certainly real, but I just 831 00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:04,920 S2: want you to know, there's a lot of people that, 832 00:45:04,920 --> 00:45:08,800 S2: by the grace of God, have experienced such joy in marriage. Um, 833 00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,759 S2: Kim and I have a group of about four other 834 00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:12,879 S2: couples that we do life with. Uh, we get together 835 00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:15,759 S2: every month for dinner. We call it supper club and 836 00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,319 S2: at the, at the end of a good meal, when 837 00:45:17,320 --> 00:45:19,600 S2: we're all sitting around in someone's living room, uh, we 838 00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:22,800 S2: do the marriage check in, which is where, uh, someone 839 00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:24,759 S2: will say, okay, Mike and Kim, how's your marriage? On 840 00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:28,719 S2: the count of three, give it a letter grade. And 841 00:45:28,719 --> 00:45:32,080 S2: so one, two, three, and we say a minus or 842 00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:34,200 S2: A or B plus, and then we get to talk 843 00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:36,200 S2: about our marriage with people who love Jesus and who 844 00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:38,480 S2: love us. So I just want to encourage you to 845 00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:41,400 S2: put yourself in a community like that. Stay humble, confess 846 00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:43,799 S2: your sins, fix your eyes on Jesus, and you just 847 00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:45,560 S2: might find out that marriage is one of the best 848 00:45:45,560 --> 00:45:47,680 S2: gifts that God has ever given you. MM. 849 00:45:48,560 --> 00:45:51,000 S1: So glad we get to have this conversation on all 850 00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:54,360 S1: those different levels. The new book by Mike Novotny is 851 00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:59,320 S1: newly wed A Christian Guide for loving year one. Featured 852 00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:03,080 S1: resource at Chris fabry.org. Mike, thanks for spending the time 853 00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:05,560 S1: with us today. For being real, for being open and 854 00:46:05,600 --> 00:46:09,280 S1: honest about your own life and your marriage and struggles 855 00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:11,880 S1: and all of that. Come back and see us real soon, okay? 856 00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:13,280 S2: Thank you Chris. 857 00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:18,919 S1: Go to chris.org and you'll see that featured resource and 858 00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:24,920 S1: also link to Mike's ministry, time of Grace. Next Monday. 859 00:46:25,200 --> 00:46:27,719 S1: Does anybody here remember the name and the voice of 860 00:46:27,719 --> 00:46:30,479 S1: Steve Amerson? Steve's going to join us. He's got a 861 00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:33,000 S1: ministry on Capitol Hill. I want you to hear about. 862 00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:37,000 S1: And then July 1st is next week. We're going to 863 00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:41,759 S1: celebrate all month in July, 100 years of Moody Radio. 864 00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:44,320 S1: You'll hear more about that coming up. Chris Fabry Lives 865 00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:47,960 S1: production of Moody Radio, a Ministry of Moody Bible Institute.