S1: Women tend to give so many hints.
S2: We did not enter the euphoric stage. We just dove
S2: into the choosing to love each other.
S3: If I find a young lady, nobody's respond to me.
S4: Should I look for another wife? What do I do?
S5: Welcome to Building relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of
S5: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today,
S5: it's our Dear Gary, broadcast for October. Time to open
S5: the phone lines and hear your questions about the love languages,
S5: your marriage, singles, issues and more.
S6: I am so excited to hear you present your questions
S6: to Dr. Chapman today. And if you want to be
S6: on a future broadcast, call us 1866424. Gary. Each week
S6: we have a featured resource on the program that today
S6: it is a teens guide to the five Love languages.
S6: How to understand yourself and improve all your relationships. Find
S6: out more at building relationships.us. Gary. There's a new generation
S6: coming up who want to do that. Improve their relationships
S6: and you're part of that process. Isn't that invigorating to know?
S7: You know, Chris, I'm very excited about this book because
S7: it's written directly to teenagers. You know, earlier I wrote
S7: a book for parents of teenagers on the five Love languages.
S7: But I thought, you know, I need to communicate to
S7: the teenagers themselves if they could get this concept down
S7: during the teenage years. Imagine how that's going to influence
S7: the rest of their life and all of their relationships.
S7: So I'm very excited about this book, A Teens Guide
S7: to the Five Love Languages. I thought I say to parents,
S7: you know, if you're reading the the other book, you know,
S7: the original book for parents of teenagers and your teenagers
S7: reading this book, you will have some good discussions. So yeah,
S7: I'm excited about about this book.
S6: You can find out more about it at the website.
S6: Building Relationships Us again. It's a teens guide to the
S6: five love languages. Again go to building relationships.us. Well, let's
S6: begin our conversation today with a caller who has a
S6: specific love language question.
S8: Hey, Gary. So I was just thinking about, um, specifically
S8: the gifts language. So this is kind of my question.
S8: Can someone who has gifts as their primary love language
S8: be compatible with a partner who is not economically able
S8: to provide gifts? You discuss that gifts don't have to
S8: be of monetary value. And, you know, picking flowers is
S8: is a perfect example. But the reality is we live
S8: in a consumer society where everything costs. Even if you
S8: want to get granular the gas to go pick up
S8: the flowers in your car. Also, the flowers example being
S8: free would naturally and understandably get old as the gift
S8: experience is diminishing marginal returns. I'm extremely curious what your
S8: response will be. Thanks.
S7: Well, first of all, Chris, I want to say that's
S7: an excellent question. I really like. I really like that question. Yeah.
S7: You know, and listen, all of us are limited in
S7: some way financially. Maybe I shouldn't say all of us
S7: because they're super, super millionaires that can just buy whatever
S7: they want to buy, you know? But the average person
S7: is on some kind of limited income. And we have
S7: to decide, you know, how to feed the children and
S7: the family and all of that. And so this can
S7: be a challenge. But I do want to emphasize the fact,
S7: and we've said this before, it's the thought that counts.
S7: And I've sometimes told this account, I don't know if
S7: I've told it on the air or not, but a
S7: guy who told me just the other day, he said,
S7: Duck Chapman, I was taking a walk. He said my
S7: wife's languages were his gifts, and I was taking a walk.
S7: And I saw a bird feather and I picked it
S7: up and brushed it off. I took it home. I said, honey,
S7: when I was walking today, I found this bird feather
S7: and I want to give it to you because it
S7: reminded me that you are the wind beneath my wings.
S7: And she said.
S9: Oh, that is so sweet.
S7: I didn't cost him a penny. Now I know you
S7: can't get bird feathers every week. Okay, I get that.
S7: Just like you can't give flowers every week. But if
S7: you are thinking in terms of your spouse's love language
S7: and it happens to be gifts you, you will come
S7: up with some ideas that you never thought of before.
S7: And I just say, Ask God. You know, if you
S7: don't have money to buy something, ask God, you know,
S7: lead me to something. Bring to my mind an idea
S7: of something that my spouse would really like. And the
S7: other thing is, Chris, you can also look for thrift
S7: stores because those kind of stores have things much, much cheaper.
S7: You know, there's some of them used to be a
S7: dollar store. Now it's a dollar and a quarter. But.
S7: So and you can often find some really, you know,
S7: really gifts that will speak to the other person. So yeah,
S7: I just think we have to use our creativity if
S7: we're limited in funds to look for things that we
S7: think our spouse would appreciate, but don't involve a whole
S7: lot of money, and I think your spouse knows your
S7: financial situation, at least they should. I hope they do.
S7: And they know you can't go out and buy expensive
S7: gifts if that's the case. So they're not expecting you
S7: to do that. In fact, if you went out and
S7: bought huge gifts on a credit card, you'd probably upset
S7: them because they don't want to go in debt, you know?
S7: So yeah, I just think we have to seek to
S7: be creative in terms of looking for things that are free,
S7: but also looking for things that are inexpensive.
S6: So the answer to the question is, yes, you can
S6: be compatible with somebody. So thank you for that question.
S6: And the other thing, it seems to me that all
S6: of the the languages are commensurate with your heart being
S6: turned toward that other person. For example, words you are
S6: thinking about that other person and thinking what is going
S6: to encourage them today? What is the thing that I
S6: can say that's coming genuinely from your heart? So all
S6: of that with gifts or with words, you're thinking about
S6: that other person, right?
S7: Yeah, absolutely, Chris. And, you know, there are people that
S7: words are hard for them and that words are inexpensive,
S7: of course, but they didn't receive words growing up, and
S7: it's hard for them to even come up with words
S7: to say to the other person. So yeah, any of
S7: these can be challenging if you did not receive them,
S7: you know, growing up, they're not natural for you. So
S7: it's something that has to be learned.
S6: Yeah. All right. Our next question comes as a response
S6: to a past program. I think it fits right in here.
S6: It's about the difference between men and women.
S10: Hi, Gary. I was just listening to your current program,
S10: and you were talking about not being able to read minds,
S10: and I wanted to add something to that that you
S10: could expound on. And that is, I think women in
S10: particular tend to give so many hints that they think
S10: they have told their husband. I have.
S1: I have observed this over.
S10: And over and over in relationships within my family, where
S10: all of a sudden you find out about some terrible
S10: problem or even a divorce, and you try to talk
S10: to them. And the person instigating the divorce says, I've
S10: told them. I've told them over and over, and maybe
S10: they have. But then you, you hear more and you
S10: get the idea that the offending spouse or the one
S10: not getting the hints. Maybe they knew that there were
S10: some complaints in the marriage, but they didn't understand they
S10: were at Defcon one.
S1: They didn't understand that.
S10: All of these little hints that were dropped were getting
S10: them further and further toward a divorce court. So I
S10: just wanted to say that I agree with your suggestion
S10: of writing things down for each other, because I think
S10: that's just too often the case. People. People give hints,
S10: they drop hints, they drop comments, and they think they've
S10: been clear. They think that it's, you know, their spouse
S10: has been given many chances and their spouse who either
S10: didn't catch the hints or didn't realize how serious the
S10: hints were, they feel blindsided. So that was long winded,
S10: but I would love for you guys to talk about that.
S10: Thank you very much. Bye bye.
S7: Well, I think this caller makes a good point. And
S7: that is if you're going to share with the other
S7: person what makes you feel loved, you have to be
S7: clear and make sure they understand it. Because you're right.
S7: We don't always pick up on hints. And you may
S7: think you're communicating clearly, but they may not get it.
S7: You know, now there's another factor here. And that is
S7: maybe the other person doesn't realize how important it is
S7: to speak the other person's language, even if they know
S7: what it is, you know, they kind of minimize it. Well,
S7: you know, I just don't think you have to be
S7: thinking all the time about, you know, what I can
S7: do or say to communicate love. I mean, don't they
S7: know that I love them? I mean, I'm working and
S7: I'm doing, you know, so we can have an attitude
S7: that diminishes the emotional need for love. And I think
S7: that often happens in a relationship as well. They know
S7: the concept generally, and they know that this is their
S7: spouses language, but in their mind it's not that big
S7: a deal. And so if you're you keep telling me
S7: you know what your love language is, they might get
S7: irritated with it. So that's another factor in this. But
S7: I do think the communication factor, which the caller is
S7: really focusing in on is certainly a factor. And that's why,
S7: you know, I suggest, for example, this little game that's
S7: a word game in which you say to your spouse,
S7: on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is
S7: your love tank? That's assuming they're aware of the love tank,
S7: you know, metaphor. Or you could just say, on a
S7: scale of 0 to 10, how much love do you
S7: feel coming from me? And if they say anything less
S7: than ten, you say, well, what could I do to
S7: bring it up? Or what could I do to help
S7: fill the tank? And then that particular day, they give
S7: you something specifically that you could do that, that would
S7: communicate love to them. And if you do that back
S7: and forth, each of you, you know, every couple of weeks,
S7: chances are you're going to communicate clearly because they're asking
S7: you on this particular day or this particular week, what
S7: could I do or say that would make you feel
S7: more loved and not always well, not always be their
S7: primary love language. Because let's face it, it's not just
S7: our primary love language. We're open to hear other languages spoken.
S7: It says that we have to have a significant amount
S7: of our primary love language. Are these others will not
S7: mean as much, but when we're speaking the primary on
S7: a regular basis, these others will be meaningful as well.
S7: So yeah, I think just kind of keeps it on
S7: the front burner to bring this subject up in an
S7: informal way ever. Every couple of weeks.
S5: Our program is building relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. And
S5: this is our Dear Gary broadcast for October. If you
S5: have a question, call our listener line at 1866424. Gary.
S5: Keep your question as brief as possible, and we'll try
S5: to address it here on the program. That's 1-866-424-4279.
S6: Our featured resource today is Gary's book, A Teens Guide
S6: to the Five Love Languages how to understand Yourself and
S6: Improve All Your Relationships. You can find out more at
S6: building relationships.us. So our next caller needs some clarification or
S6: maybe a little bit of advice about her dating relationship.
S6: That sounds like it's getting pretty serious.
S11: Hi, Gary, I have a question. My boyfriend and I
S11: are planning to get married. We're not engaged yet, but
S11: we're dating pretty deeply and we have done the five languages.
S11: We've got the roadmap to success that we're currently in.
S11: We've read the five Love Languages book we're currently reading,
S11: which things I wish I knew before we got married.
S11: And euphoric stage keeps getting brought up repetitively, and I
S11: feel extremely strong that we did not enter the euphoric stage,
S11: that we just dove into the choosing to love each other.
S11: And I just want to make sure that that something
S11: that others have done as well. I know many have
S11: done the euphoric stage and then dove into the twos
S11: to love one another, but we're doing it in reverse.
S11: And so I just want to make sure that that's
S11: a successful outcome. If you could clarify or give me
S11: insight on this, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.
S7: Well, that's an interesting question. And I don't know that
S7: we've had that question before, Chris, but what she's saying
S7: is true. There are couples are individuals who do not
S7: have what we typically call this in love experience this super,
S7: super emotional high where they just feel like this is
S7: the most wonderful person in the world, and I just
S7: want to be with them the rest of my life.
S7: Most people do have that, but there are people who
S7: do not. They start dating. They they like each other.
S7: They have a lot of things in common. They begin
S7: to share life. And in this case, read the five
S7: love languages, which everyone should read wherever you are in
S7: the journey. And and so they are meeting each other's
S7: need for love because they're speaking each other's love language.
S7: And now they're reading the book on things I wish
S7: I'd known before we got married, which is really good
S7: because it deals not only with love language, but a
S7: lot of other things. And so, you know, I think
S7: that this caller is they're moving in the right direction,
S7: in a positive direction. And I don't think they should
S7: be overly concerned that they did not go through that
S7: euphoric stage. It'd be interesting to know whether he or
S7: she did have a sense of that in Love's thing.
S7: Sometimes one person does and the other person doesn't, you know.
S7: But if indeed you you have, you work through those
S7: other issues in preparation for marriage, and you work through
S7: whatever needs to be worked through. And you and you
S7: are speaking each other's love language, you can have a
S7: wonderful marriage in a lifelong, healthy marriage, even if you
S7: did not experience what we typically call falling in love.
S7: And the reason I say that is because, as you know,
S7: that experience is temporary. The average lifespan is two years,
S7: and most people begin to come down pretty soon after
S7: they get married. And it can be very frightening if
S7: you're not aware of that. So I think the fact
S7: that you are aware of the reality that most people
S7: do experience that and you did not, and you're you
S7: want to make sure you know that that's not going
S7: to be a real detriment in the future. I think
S7: I think you're on the right track. So I wouldn't
S7: I wouldn't say, well, because you didn't have that you
S7: shouldn't get married because that kind of love is not
S7: the kind of love that's going to carry you for
S7: the long haul.
S6: So are you saying you don't have to have the
S6: tingles in order to get married to somebody? If you've
S6: never had the tingles for another person, that's okay.
S7: Absolutely. And, Chris, let's face it, there are cultures where
S7: there are arranged marriages, right? The parents pick out your
S7: spouse and you don't even know them. But the parents
S7: know the issues that make for a good marriage. And
S7: so they're picking out somebody that they think is going
S7: to be compatible with you. And those people go on
S7: to have good marriages. And in many places, you know,
S7: as you know, the five love languages has been translated
S7: in over 50 languages. So I think 69 languages around
S7: the world. And so they they learn that the concept
S7: and they are speaking each other's language, even though they
S7: didn't go through that euphoric stage, they didn't even have
S7: a chance to do that. So yeah, I think you
S7: can have a good marriage without that.
S6: The struggle is in this culture, it's all about the tingles.
S6: It's all about the feeling. It's all about love is this.
S6: And if I don't feel this, then I move on.
S6: And that's the. And I don't disagree with anything you've
S6: just said. And I love what the caller has said.
S6: What I see often happening though, is 5 to 7
S6: years into a marriage, eight however long it takes, sometimes
S6: it's shorter than that. A person, male or female or both,
S6: come into contact with somebody else and they get this
S6: euphoric feeling. I get the tingles and they think I
S6: married the wrong person. I'm going to, you know, this
S6: is the person that's going to make me happy. So
S6: that's the struggle. You have to if you're going to commit,
S6: you need to commit tingles or not, right?
S7: Yeah, absolutely. We need to see marriage as a covenant,
S7: a covenant with each other, but also with God. They
S7: were committing ourselves in the presence of God to seek
S7: each other's well-being the rest of our lives. That's the
S7: attitude of love, and that's the attitude that will carry
S7: you through and give you a healthy marriage. Emotions come
S7: and go, and even in a healthy marriage, some days
S7: you have negative feelings towards your spouse because of things
S7: they did or did not do. That disappointed you? But
S7: we don't live by emotions, positive or negative. We don't
S7: deny them. You know, we enjoy positive emotions and we
S7: don't like to feel hurt or to feel angry because
S7: we feel like we've been mistreated. But those emotions are
S7: responses to what's going on in our lives. So we
S7: have to recognize the key is seeing love as an attitude,
S7: a way of thinking. I want to enrich the life
S7: of this other person as long as I live, and
S7: then you look for ways to do it. The love
S7: language helps you, but there's a lot of other issues too,
S7: and how you can enrich the other person's life. And
S7: when you each of you have that attitude and you're
S7: expressing it in your behavior and your words to the
S7: other person, you're going to have a good marriage.
S12: Yeah.
S6: Let me give you our number. Because I want to know,
S6: is Gary right about this? Is there anybody listening who said,
S6: you know, you're absolutely right or no, I disagree because
S6: you have a tangled story in your marriage about before
S6: you got married. After you got married. I'd love to
S6: hear some feedback from you. Use the number 866424 Gary,
S6: and you may hear some calls on a future broadcast.
S6: Talk about the tingles. 1866424 Gary. Now here, I'm interested
S6: in your response to our next caller, because it's another
S6: single person. And I think there are a lot of
S6: men and women who have this same question. Here we go.
S13: I've been trying to find a different ways introduction service
S13: towards singles for single people, but nobody's respond to me.
S13: There's nothing going on. Try and find a young lady
S13: to meet who was interested. Would like to meet just
S13: to talk, be with each other or do activities that
S13: we like to do. I've had little success finding anybody. Um,
S13: so someone that could help or big suggestions that would help. Uh,
S13: so for that. But like four days of age or
S13: higher and, uh, attractive blonde or brunette hair, it's okay
S13: if anyone like to call her so. But she doesn't. Okay. Uh.
S13: That's it. Bye.
S14: So. So again.
S6: 40 or older, attractive, blonde or brunette is fine. This
S6: is a young man, middle aged man who's really looking
S6: for companionship and and someone to come alongside him. But
S6: he's having a hard time even in the church finding that.
S6: What do you say?
S7: Yeah. Well, Chris, maybe we ought to say if there's
S7: anyone listening in that category. If.
S15: No, I don't think we could do that. I don't
S15: think we'd better do that.
S7: Uh, I think there are a number of single adults
S7: today who are in the situation where they would really
S7: like to get married. They are strong Christians, you know,
S7: they're seeking to follow God and walk with God. They're
S7: active in their church, and they would really like to
S7: be married, but they've never encountered anyone in the church
S7: setting that was, you know, that had an interest in
S7: them even to start dating. And apparently he also has
S7: tried some of the online, you know, dating services. And
S7: those can be helpful. I mean, I run into people
S7: all the time who say we met online, but he
S7: apparently he's tried that and he hasn't had anyone that's
S7: responded to him. So and in today's culture, Chris, you know,
S7: you would think it'd be a lot easier today than
S7: it was before. All the technology stuff.
S12: Exactly.
S7: But it's actually harder today, I think, because we all
S7: have these ideas in our mind of what it should
S7: be like and who the person would be like, and
S7: all this sort of stuff. Like he's even talking about
S7: the color of hair and, you know, God may bring
S7: him a red head, you know? I mean, let's fade
S7: our blonde. It's okay to have those ideas, but we
S7: have to be open to the reality, the person that
S7: God has for me, maybe someone that is not what
S7: I have envisioned, you know, in my own mind. And
S7: then the other possibility, Chris, is to remember this. It
S7: is not God's plan for every single person to get married.
S7: You know, there are people in the New Testament that
S7: were not married supremely. Jesus. Right. But there are others
S7: that were not married. And throughout history, God has used
S7: many single adults who never married, but who have had
S7: tremendous impact upon the kingdom of God. And so don't
S7: assume that it's God's plan for every single person to
S7: get married. But it is God's plan for you to
S7: invest your life in serving God. So if you've given
S7: your life to Christ, you've accepted him as your Savior.
S7: Seek his direction and how you can serve other people.
S7: Now while you are single. And there are plenty of
S7: opportunities in every city in this country to plug in,
S7: to ministry, to people. And many times it's in the
S7: context of ministry that we meet someone who also has
S7: a heart for ministry that, you know, we find somebody.
S7: But in the meantime, we're not going to wait till
S7: we get married to begin investing our lives in helping
S7: other people. So I would look for opportunities to invest
S7: your life in helping people now while you're single. You know, Chris,
S7: I've had people say we met in Nairobi or somewhere
S7: we were both on on a mission trip, a mission
S7: group of young people. And in that context, we met
S7: and we saw each other's heart for serving God, and
S7: we were drawn to each other. So I'm not suggesting
S7: that everybody should sign up to go to Nairobi. I'm
S7: just suggesting that we we ought, as Christian singles, we
S7: ought to be investing our lives in serving God by
S7: serving others.
S6: Yeah, you can hear the heart cry from his voice,
S6: and I'm sure there are people who listen right now
S6: or say, that's exactly where I am. And I love
S6: your answer to him. Gary, we have a featured resource
S6: today at the website. It's a teens guide to the
S6: five Love languages. Go to building relationships.us. I want to
S6: play this question and then we'll get your answer here
S6: and maybe a little bit in the next segment. I
S6: think that book, A Teens Guide to the Five Love Languages,
S6: might help in this situation as we kind of jump
S6: into the deep end of the parenting pool for this
S6: next question.
S16: Hi, Gary. How do I respond when my almost 17
S16: year old daughter criticizes me for my poor parenting and
S16: then continues and won't stop if I say I'm sorry?
S16: She replies that if I were truly sorry that I
S16: would change if I walk away. She accuses me of
S16: not finishing the conversation. However, the only way the conversation
S16: would be successful from her perspective is if she gets
S16: exactly what she's asking for. So I let her continue
S16: to berate me for a while, until I come up
S16: with some sort of excuse of something that I need
S16: to do. Usually the topic is that I'm too controlling,
S16: and she's supposed to turn in her smartphone at night
S16: and she does not get unlimited internet usage or social media. Also,
S16: we adopted her from foster care at age three, and
S16: I'm not the best at emotional intelligence and I'm at
S16: a loss. How should I best respond to these situations?
S16: Thank you so much.
S7: Well, you know, Chris, let's face it, raising teenagers is difficult.
S7: I remember when my son was a teenager. One time
S7: my wife said to me, he's your son. I'm going
S7: to let you take care of him. He was our son.
S7: It wasn't just my son. But it can be frustrating.
S7: There's no question about it. Because teens are beginning to
S7: develop logical thought. I did not say they're logical. I
S7: said they're beginning to develop logical thinking. And that's why
S7: they question the things you've told them. Because they're now
S7: thinking that doesn't make sense. You know that's not right.
S7: And so they're coming back and telling you that. And
S7: in this case it's specific things, guidelines that you have
S7: laid down for her that she's kind of rebelling against
S7: because in her mind you're being too strict on her.
S7: So I think we first of all need to hear
S7: the teenager, no question about it. They need to be heard.
S7: And then we have to think, because there are times
S7: in which maybe we do need to make some changes
S7: and keep this in mind. The caller said her daughter's 17,
S7: now at 18. Typically they finish high school and they
S7: go off to college, or they join the military or
S7: something else. But if they move out of the house.
S7: They're going to do what they want to do. That is,
S7: we can control the time that they spend on, on
S7: the phones and with screens and all of that. We
S7: can do that. But we have to realize in a
S7: year they leave to go to college. They're going to
S7: watch as much as they want to. So sometimes we
S7: need to think, okay, maybe I need to begin incrementally
S7: expanding some of this, you know, and if there's something
S7: you think really has to be continued, fine. But maybe
S7: there are some things that you need to loosen up
S7: a bit on. So I think that what we did
S7: when they were eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, which they
S7: just accepted, but in the teenage years, they're not likely
S7: going to just accept them. They're questioning those things and
S7: feeling like, you know, you're being unfair to them. And
S7: it's painful for a parent because I know you're doing
S7: what whatever rules you have, you have because you think
S7: those are the best rules for them. But I would
S7: I would give some thought to, you know, whatever the
S7: rules are that you have and just ask, do I
S7: need to be thinking in terms of her independence and
S7: getting her ready to be independent? Because once they leave
S7: the house and go to college or whatever they're going to,
S7: they're going to have to make decisions on their own.
S7: And your your decisions aren't going to be controlling them
S7: at that point. So I think helping them learn how
S7: to make wise decisions. And in this case, I think
S7: I would ask I would ask the teenager, what do
S7: you think would be what make me a better parent?
S7: Or what do you think would be more fair for you?
S7: You know, just take seriously what they're saying, because if
S7: we listen to the teenager and try to understand what
S7: they're saying and then put ourselves in their shoes, you know,
S7: be empathetic with them and think about what if you
S7: were a teenager and your parents were telling you this?
S7: I think listening to them gives them a sense that
S7: you value their thoughts doesn't mean you agree with their thoughts,
S7: but you value their thoughts, and you want them to
S7: share their thoughts with you. Because otherwise, if they don't
S7: feel heard, then they stop talking to you about the
S7: things that that that they're struggling with. They'll go talk
S7: to somebody else about it because they feel like you
S7: don't hear them. So I think the listening to them,
S7: even though it's painful to hear sometimes what they're saying,
S7: and we certainly don't have to always agree with it.
S7: But we can say, you know, I think I understand
S7: what you're saying. I guess if I were your age
S7: and I was thinking the way you think, I'd probably
S7: I'd probably think what you're thinking. But let me just
S7: share my perspective, you know, and then you share your
S7: perspective as a parent. I want what's best for you.
S7: And that's what I'm trying to do. And I'm not
S7: saying that all the rules I have are right. So
S7: maybe some of them do need to be changed. And
S7: I'd like for us to talk about it. So it's
S7: dialogue rather than monologue. That is, it's talking back and forth,
S7: discussing an issue rather than doing what we did when
S7: they were younger to just say, this is the rule.
S7: And if you don't follow the rule, here are the consequences.
S7: And that works well for young children. I mean, they
S7: need that, but as they get to be teenagers, we
S7: need to think about their own. A road toward independence.
S7: And I want to help them develop, you know, independence.
S7: They're not they're not independent now, but I want to
S7: help them get ready so that they'll make wise decisions
S7: when they're out there. And I'm not with them.
S6: There's also the added information about the adoption and the.
S12: Daughter's.
S6: Background, and it sounds like some of the underlying emotional
S6: issues that might be surfacing here in the in the
S6: later teen years, such that, you know, a counselor that
S6: can come alongside the mom and the daughter or the
S6: whole family to work through some of these things. Do
S6: you think that could be helpful?
S7: It could be very helpful. Chris, you're exactly right. And
S7: I've written a book that it won't be out till
S7: next year on how the love language works with adopted children.
S7: Because when you adopt a child, even if you adopt
S7: them young, you don't have that emotional bond with them
S7: that a biological parent has. And how do we process that?
S7: How do we work through that? And there's one other
S7: book I would suggest to to this mother, and that
S7: is a book I wrote called things I Wish I'd
S7: Known Before Our Children Became Teenagers. And in that book
S7: I talk about what's happening in the the teenage brain
S7: and what's going on in the teenage brain, among other things.
S7: And I think you'd find that book to be helpful.
S6: And if you go to the website building relationships.us. You
S6: can see all of our resources that we have, including
S6: today's featured resource, Teens Guide to the five Love Languages. Gary.
S6: We get a lot of calls about narcissism on the program.
S6: Here is a wife asking about a husband she's struggling
S6: to love well.
S17: Hi, Jerry. I listened to your audio book and I really,
S17: really loved it. It was really enlightening. Some of the
S17: things that I learned, even about myself and my love language,
S17: my husband's love language, and his love language is physical touch.
S17: And I believe it is also words of affirmation. Maybe
S17: the lesser of the two is the words of affirmation.
S17: But my question is, does this work when you're dealing
S17: with someone who is a narcissist? Because my husband is
S17: absolutely narcissistic and it's difficult for me to speak his
S17: love language when he's so narcissistic, but really, really appreciated
S17: if this question could be answered. Thank you.
S7: Well, I can feel the hurt in the pain in
S7: this call, Chris. And I think when someone is married
S7: to a person who is so self-centered and so always
S7: right and who knows everything, you know, those are the
S7: characteristics of a narcissistic person. It's hard. It's really hard
S7: because the physical thing, you know, who wants to be
S7: physical and be touching somebody who has that attitude towards you,
S7: you know, and they come across as though you're always wrong.
S7: I'm always right. And and you have to you have
S7: to really try to find something to give them words
S7: of affirmation, because you're not feeling any words of affirmation
S7: coming from them. So it can be hard. I guess
S7: I would say a couple of things. One, typically, a
S7: narcissistic person will not go for counseling because they think
S7: they don't need a counselor. And if you suggested, they'll say, well,
S7: why don't you go? You're the one that's got the problem.
S7: I would say if they say that, okay, I think
S7: I will. So you go to counseling yourself and you
S7: tell them, I've got to find help. I don't know
S7: how long I can go on. You know, with the
S7: way you're treating me, the way you talk to me,
S7: the way I feel put down by you. And so
S7: I'm going to go. I'm going to go for counseling
S7: and let that counselor help you learn how to respond
S7: over the long haul here in a positive and a
S7: positive and healthy way. So don't just give up. Don't
S7: just cave in. Don't just let the pain that you
S7: feel control you. Take steps to learn yourself, how you
S7: can respond differently. And there is a place. There is
S7: a place in a marriage for tough love. So I
S7: think I would say yes in terms of the process,
S7: you want to do everything you can with the help
S7: of God, to express love to him, not because you're
S7: feeling love toward your feeling that you love him, but
S7: because you choose to speak his language. You want to
S7: communicate to him that he's loved. God loves him. And
S7: so you're just God's agent. You're not. You're not trying
S7: to say, I feel loving toward him, but God, I'm
S7: married to him. So I'd like to be your agent,
S7: to express your love to him. And then you look
S7: for things, words of affirmation that you can give him,
S7: and you give him affirming touches. And the hardest part
S7: here is the sexual part of marriage, to be sure,
S7: because that's extremely difficult when you you don't feel loved
S7: by him, you put down by him. And so at
S7: any rate, there is a place when you have tried
S7: to affirm him and tried to be God's agent for
S7: loving him, and there's no response, there is a place
S7: to say in your own words, you know, I don't
S7: know how you feel about us, but I feel like
S7: I have done everything I can possibly do to show
S7: you that I love you, that I care about you,
S7: that I would like for us to have a loving relationship.
S7: But it seems to me that you really don't care.
S7: So I've gone for counseling. I've done everything I know
S7: to do. I'm going to move in with my mother.
S7: I'm not abandoning you. I'm perfectly happy to go for
S7: counseling with you if you want to deal with the problem.
S7: But in the meantime, I love you too much to
S7: sit here and do nothing because it's destroying me. And
S7: if you have children, you can say it's destroying our children.
S7: And therefore, this is what I'm going to do. And
S7: because you have been loving them even though they don't
S7: deserve love. They're going to be thinking, wow, I'm going
S7: to lose something here. I'm going to lose somebody who
S7: has loved me when I didn't deserve it. And God
S7: can use that, that tough love to touch their hearts.
S7: And it doesn't mean they'll always turn around or always
S7: be open for counseling. But sometimes it's tough love that
S7: brings the person to the point where they realize, I've
S7: got to do something here. So those are some of
S7: my thoughts. But you know, a counselor can help you
S7: with other things and help you process it on a
S7: regular basis.
S5: This is building relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of
S5: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Our
S5: featured resource today is a teens guide to the five
S5: love languages, how to understand yourself and improve all your relationships.
S5: You can find out more at building relationships.us. You know.
S6: I love the fact that this is a safe place
S6: for you to ask any question that you're struggling with.
S6: I hope you feel that as you listen and as
S6: you call us. And here's a question I don't think
S6: we've ever received. This caller has gone through some really
S6: deep trauma with the situation with his wife, and he's
S6: looking for some advice from Dr. Chapman.
S18: Hi, Gary. I'm calling from Canada. I've been listening to
S18: your program here. I want to ask you a question.
S18: My wife had a cleaner surgery. There is neurological surgery.
S18: That means it was in the brain to remove a tumor.
S18: I was thrown off balance. I was really traumatized from
S18: that time. I've been moving from home to the hospital.
S18: From hospital to home. I'm alone. Been really, really weakened.
S18: But I got a strength within the Word of God
S18: and praying. That's where I draw my strength from. Now
S18: she's recovering, but paralyzed somehow. They are asking me to
S18: sign a consent to move to a long term care facility.
S18: Now my question is, I need a sister. I need
S18: someone to be with me. I need a wife. How
S18: do I go about that? Feel alone. I'm still. This
S18: is up to one year, six months and been struggling,
S18: going up and down, sometimes moving like someone who is
S18: having mental problems, you know, because not only am I
S18: traumatized by what happened, I don't have anyone to share
S18: the ideas. And you know, Painswick, I said, God, so
S18: should I look for another wife? What do I do?
S18: Thank you.
S7: Well, Chris, I'm empathetic with this caller. You can feel
S7: the pain, the hurt, the disillusionment, the trauma that he's experiencing.
S7: Married and planning to have a wonderful long life together.
S7: And then the physical problem develops and it leaves her paralyzed.
S7: And she's going to be in a facility now. I
S7: think anyone can identify with the the difficulty of dealing
S7: with that. However, I think we have to come back
S7: to the heart of what the Bible says about marriage.
S7: Marriage is a commitment that we make to another person.
S7: They're going to love them and be faithful to them.
S7: So long as we both shall live. That's in almost
S7: every wedding ceremony. It is a commitment that we make,
S7: and with God's help, we can keep that commitment even
S7: in difficult situations like this. No one would, just by nature,
S7: choose to have a spouse come down with a problem
S7: like this that apparently is going to be with them
S7: the rest of their life. No one would choose that.
S7: But she didn't choose it. It wasn't something she chose.
S7: You know, we live in a fallen world. Our bodies
S7: are falling. And there are many, many people in this
S7: world who have blind and paralyzed and all kinds of
S7: other things, and some who have dementia and can't respond
S7: at all in any way to you. So I think
S7: we have to come back to, to say to God,
S7: you know where I am. You know how hard this is,
S7: but I've made a commitment and I want to be
S7: faithful to that commitment and to you. So give me grace.
S7: Give me courage, give me energy, give me wisdom and
S7: how I relate to my spouse through this journey. It
S7: is not a time, in my opinion, to be thinking
S7: about someone else. Paralyzed is one thing, but my question
S7: would be can she talk? Is she ability to carry
S7: on a conversation with you? That would be a huge
S7: blessing if that's true. Then you can sit down and
S7: have conversations with her. Even if she's paralyzed in other ways,
S7: there are people who can't talk. I have a close
S7: friend whose wife for ten years could not talk, could
S7: not say anything, could not do anything, simply lie. Was
S7: lying in the bed and just basically staying alive. And
S7: he would still go there every other day and sit
S7: down and spend a few hours in her presence. He
S7: would talk to her. She couldn't respond. He would sing
S7: to her. She couldn't respond. But he was faithful to
S7: his commitment that he made to her. And we don't
S7: know how much she heard or how much she took in.
S7: But everybody I know admires that man for his commitment. Now,
S7: for your own emotional health, your own emotional spiritual health,
S7: I would suggest that you try to find a support
S7: group in a local church, and many churches have support
S7: groups for people that are going through hard times, like
S7: you're going through, so that you can be encouraged to
S7: hear other people's stories. Others can hear your story. You
S7: interface with people who are going through similar things. You
S7: can pray for each other. You can encourage each other
S7: so that you're not alone in this process. So that
S7: would be my suggestion. And obviously you indicated this. You're
S7: drawing on God. He's the one that's giving you the
S7: power to do this so far. And he can continue
S7: to give you the power to be faithful in the
S7: midst of a very, very difficult situation. But all of
S7: us need other people in our lives. I don't think
S7: you need another wife, but you do need other people,
S7: particularly men who are also going through hard times. So
S7: I would ask your pastor, our church leaders, you know,
S7: what's available for someone like me. Is there a group
S7: that I could attend? And if they don't have a group,
S7: check with some of the other churches that locally to
S7: see what they might have, because many churches do have
S7: support groups that deal with different types of situations.
S6: I love the reality.
S12: Of what.
S6: The question that he's asking, because after a year and
S6: a half, you know, he's just there's something wrong with
S6: me and I really need that, really need this over here.
S6: And it's almost like he's he's being so real with
S6: us and so real with God, you know? God, would
S6: you help me this way that he's reaching out in
S6: that isolated sense? So that was the exact same thing
S6: that I was thinking of. You need relationship, not another wife.
S6: You need that relationship for that encouragement. So I think
S6: what the time left here, Gary, why don't we just
S6: go to God and pray for this listener and others
S6: who may be in a similar situation? Could you lead us?
S7: Surely. Father, I know that you know this man who
S7: shared his heart with us. I know that you love
S7: him and know that you're fully aware of his situation.
S7: And I pray that your spirit will touch His spirit.
S7: Give him the attitude of Christ, the mind of Christ.
S7: May he see himself as your representative for making sure
S7: that his wife has the best care she can get.
S7: And may he do everything he can to spend time
S7: with her, and grant our father that she would also
S7: bring into his life other people in the family of
S7: God who are struggling and who can help him, and
S7: even a counselor father who will listen to what he
S7: has to say and help him process his thoughts and
S7: his emotions. Because in the midst of this, I know
S7: that you've created the church as a family. And so
S7: I pray, father, you would bring into his life individuals
S7: and the counselors who can help him process his pain
S7: and recognize that you want to work through him with
S7: his pain, and you want to minister to him through
S7: his pain. So, father, we commit him to you and
S7: pray that you would bring people into his life who
S7: can be your hands and your voice to help encourage him.
S7: In the name of Christ we pray. Amen.
S6: Amen. And friend. If you have a question or a comment,
S6: call us 866424 Gary. You can leave your message. You
S6: might hear an answer on a future Dear Gary broadcast
S6: in 1-866-424-4279 and go to the website Building Relationships US.
S6: You'll see the book A Teens Guide to the five
S6: Love Languages. Again, go to Building relationships.us.
S7: And next week you'll hear about an exciting video series
S7: for teens, their parents, and their grandparents.
S5: Don't miss a conversation with Dr. Christopher Ewen in one week.
S5: A big thank you to our production team. Steve Wick
S5: and Janice. Backing building relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is
S5: a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with
S5: Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for.