S1: Today we open the listener line for your questions on
S1: building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S2: I am trying to figure out what her love language is.
S3: What do you think about getting on dating sites?
S4: What's the best way for me to love her, even
S4: though I can't really see or talk to her.
S5: Singles who are actually already parents? Where do we belong,
S5: I guess.
S1: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S1: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's
S1: one of the most anticipated conversations of the month when
S1: we open the listener line and hear from you as
S1: you pose questions for Doctor Chapman. And we have some
S1: great questions today on our March edition of Dear Gary.
S6: And it's our hope that something you hear today will
S6: help you in your marriage, maybe your parenting, maybe in
S6: your singleness. If you go to building relationships, you'll find
S6: more simple ways to strengthen your relationships. You can call
S6: and leave a question as well for an upcoming program.
S6: If you hear something today and you say, hey, I
S6: want to ask Doctor Chapman about that. 866424. Gary is
S6: our number. Leave your message. We'll try to get to
S6: it on a future broadcast. 1866424. Gary, we'd love to
S6: hear from you today. Our featured resource is a book
S6: by Doctor Chapman, A Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages,
S6: how to understand yourself and improve all your relationships. We
S6: have it linked at Building Relationships. And Gary, you're going
S6: to hear some parents today scratching their heads about the
S6: love language of their offspring. But this is for the
S6: teenager himself or herself to read and work through, isn't it?
S7: Uh, yes, Chris, and I'm really glad about this book,
S7: because I think it's going to stimulate some communication between
S7: teenagers and their parents. You know, parents have often read
S7: the five Love Languages of Teenagers or the other book,
S7: The Five Love Languages of Children. But the children haven't
S7: read them. But now that they're teenagers, I felt like,
S7: you know, if they have a book for themselves where
S7: they're reading this concept and how it applies in their
S7: relationship with their parents, their siblings and other extended family
S7: members and friends, it would create some really good conversation
S7: between parents and those teenagers. So I'm excited about this book.
S7: For anyone who has a teenage son or daughter or
S7: a teenage grandson or granddaughter, get this book for them
S7: and I can almost guarantee you you'll have some good
S7: conversations about the whole concept.
S6: It's called A Teen's Guide to the five Love Languages.
S6: We have it linked at the website Building Relationships How
S6: to Understand Yourself and Improve all your relationships. That's a big, uh,
S6: that's a big target right there. But boy, it might
S6: happen because of this. What a gift. A Teen's Guide
S6: to the five love languages. Go to building relationships. All right.
S6: Now to your calls. First up, let's hear from a
S6: mom who is trying to solve a mystery.
S2: Hi, Gary. I have a 23 year old daughter. I
S2: am trying to figure out what her love language is.
S2: I know it's not touch. She doesn't really like to
S2: be hugged terribly much, and she doesn't really like to
S2: talk much. So that's probably not one. So I just
S2: I'm looking for ways that I can grow with her
S2: and love on her and be there for her without
S2: being too much for her. Um, she does live at
S2: home at the moment. If you could answer that, I
S2: would really appreciate it. Have a blessed day. Thank you.
S2: Bye bye.
S7: I would suggest you give her a gift of the
S7: five love languages for singles, which applies the love language
S7: concept to the parents, to the siblings, to the roommates
S7: college roommates. Well, sure, she's living at home now. Uh,
S7: or they're dating partners or any close relationship. If you
S7: give it to her and say to her, you know,
S7: this book is written specifically for singles, uh, I wonder
S7: if you would read it and tell me what you
S7: think of it. Just the fact that she'll be reading
S7: it is going to help her understand the concept, so
S7: that then you can really talk about the relationship and
S7: her love language. Of course, there is also online five
S7: love languages. There's a free quiz for single adults which
S7: help them discover their primary language, but I think her
S7: reading the singles book first would make it much more
S7: meaningful for her and for you.
S6: It's called the Five Love Languages Singles Edition, or five
S6: Love Languages for singles. The secret that will revolutionize your relationships.
S6: And there it is again. It's it's something that you
S6: understand about yourself. But it's not just about you. It's
S6: about how others interact with you. What you're looking for.
S6: And I love it that this mom says, I just
S6: really want to express love to her, but I and
S6: I don't know if it's getting through and maybe she
S6: is getting through in some way, but she doesn't know.
S6: You know what that way is with her 23 year old.
S6: That's why you came up with this, right?
S7: Yeah. And and that's why I think her, the single
S7: adult reading the book, it's going to open up a conversation,
S7: make it easy to talk about this topic with that
S7: single adult.
S6: Again, if you go to the website five Love languages.com,
S6: you can take that free assessment for singles or others
S6: and see the book that Gary just mentioned. Five Love
S6: languages for singles, as well as a teens guide to
S6: the five Love languages. So you can go to five
S6: love languages or building relationships. We've got you covered right there.
S6: All right, Gary, you've answered this next question. For younger callers.
S6: It concerns relationships and technology.
S3: Hi, Gary. I'd like to know, what do you think
S3: about getting on dating sites if you're interested in dating?
S3: I've been a widow now for ten years. I want
S3: to get back into dating. Looking forward to getting married again.
S3: So I was just wondering what. What did you think
S3: about these dating sites? All right. Thank you.
S7: It's been very interesting over the last several years, how
S7: many people have shared with me that they actually met
S7: each other through one of the online dating sites? You know,
S7: in the early stages, I was a little leery of
S7: that because you can't really reveal your whole self, or
S7: really get to know another person just simply by doing
S7: things online. Uh, but it is amazing that there there
S7: have been many people who are meeting the person that
S7: they eventually marry. Uh, by using those sites. What I
S7: do suggest is, if indeed you find someone on one
S7: of those dating sites and you begin to communicate with
S7: each other online and do feel some attraction and do
S7: feel that you have some similarities, spend time together in
S7: the real world before you make the decision to marry. Uh,
S7: that is whatever you have to do, whether it's traveling
S7: to where they are or or sometimes maybe even moving,
S7: if that's possible. So you'll be close enough that you
S7: can spend some time together with the real person, not
S7: just the person that you're seeing online. Uh, I'm not
S7: opposed to those sites. I think they can be very helpful,
S7: particularly in today's world. But I also would encourage you
S7: to be involved in a local church, and many churches
S7: in a community do have events for single adults. In
S7: this case, of course, you're a widow, so I don't
S7: know how old you would be, but, uh, there are
S7: churches where you can meet people as well on the
S7: local scene.
S6: Yeah, she mentioned that it's been ten years, and I
S6: just sense from what she said that she's done some work,
S6: you know, she's done. She's grieved well, the loss of
S6: her husband. And it sounds like she's she's saying, I
S6: think I'm ready to move back into, you know, some
S6: kind of relationship, long term relationship that will eventually lead
S6: to marriage. I see a lot of hope in in
S6: what she's saying, don't you?
S7: Yeah, absolutely. She's not simply saying, you know, uh, I'm
S7: designed to be a widow the rest of my life.
S7: God may well have someone for her. On the other hand,
S7: that may not be God's plan for her. And I
S7: think she has to keep open to that also. But
S7: there's certainly nothing wrong with reaching out and seeking to
S7: develop friendships with the possibility that one of them may
S7: lead to marriage.
S8: A featured resource.
S6: Today is the book by Doctor Chapman, A Teen's Guide
S6: to the Five Love Languages how to understand yourself and
S6: improve all your relationships. You can find out more about
S6: it at Building Relationships. Again, go to Building Relationships. This
S6: next call is from a husband in a really difficult place. Gary.
S6: Here's his situation.
S4: Hi Gary. My question is in regards to loving my
S4: wife while she is away. We've been together two years.
S4: Married for one. No children together. She has two. 117
S4: and one five year old. He knows me only as
S4: dad and I have a ten year old also. We
S4: have both struggled with addictions in the past. I went
S4: to a Christian center in Minnesota some years ago. When
S4: I came home, I met my wife and she was
S4: also in recovery. Right now she is in a rehab center.
S4: I just dropped her off there the other day, and
S4: she's going to be there for 90 days. And it's
S4: just me and our son and I have a great
S4: support group. I just, uh, I want to I want
S4: to love her the best way I can. And I
S4: miss her already. And, uh, I just want to know how.
S4: What's the best way for me to love her, even
S4: though I can't really see her or talk to her?
S4: How do I do that? Thanks.
S7: Well, first of all, let me say I am encouraged
S7: to know that she is in a recovery center because
S7: as you well know, addiction is not something that necessarily
S7: we get over and we never, ever have a problem again.
S7: And so it's not abnormal that we might fall back
S7: into that addiction. So the fact that she is reaching out,
S7: she is in a recovery center. That's a very, very
S7: positive thing, I think, for you have to recognize, of
S7: course it's temporary. You mentioned 90 days. Well, when you've
S7: only been married a year. 90 days is a long
S7: time because you have to live it one day at
S7: a time. I think one way you can love her
S7: is by doing everything you can to take care of
S7: the child, or children that are still in the home
S7: while she is away. If there's no contact at all
S7: allowed with her, that is no phone calls, no letters
S7: or anything, then you don't have an option. If they
S7: do allow letters or it wouldn't be, I don't think
S7: it would be online. But if they do allow letters,
S7: then you can write her a letter and just tell
S7: her how proud you are of her, that she is
S7: dealing with this, and you want her to know that
S7: you pray for her every day, that you love her
S7: very much, and that you're doing everything you can to
S7: make this a positive time for the children. That, I think,
S7: is probably the best thing you can do at this point. Obviously,
S7: praying that God will use this recovery time to really
S7: help her break the bondage of this addiction. Because we
S7: all need outside help when it comes to breaking addictions.
S7: And so you're just praying that God will intervene and
S7: give her the power to to do what on the
S7: human level is very, very difficult to do. So I
S7: think you've got a good heart. I think you've got
S7: the right spirit. And I think if you simply do
S7: what you can do at this juncture, which is rather
S7: limited right now, but also being strong for her when
S7: she does come home and and seeking to grow immediately
S7: when she comes home. Love her, whatever her love language is.
S7: If you've never read the five love languages, I'd say
S7: read that and try to figure out what her primary
S7: love language is. So when she does come home, you
S7: can communicate love to her in the language that is
S7: most meaningful to her emotionally.
S6: I got another idea to to throw in there. If
S6: he can't write a letter to her or send her
S6: an email or whatever. Uh, what if he keeps a journal,
S6: a journal, a 90 day journal? And this is what's
S6: happening today, and this is what I'm thinking about you.
S6: Even though she can't, she won't see that until she
S6: comes home after 90 days. She'll see the process that
S6: he went through and the notes that he took and
S6: the things that he was thinking throughout that time. What
S6: do you think?
S7: I think that's a fabulous idea, Chris. Absolutely.
S9: I get a gold star. I get a gold star,
S9: don't I?
S7: Yeah, it's good for him because he's he's writing out
S7: his thoughts and feelings and what's going on, and it
S7: will be very encouraging to her when she does get
S7: out and takes time to read through that. Yeah. Great idea.
S6: Well, okay, just one more thing that I thought as
S6: I heard his voice and he said he's got a
S6: great support group and I think that is key. You know,
S6: if you're taking care of and you're working and you're
S6: taking care of child yourself, taking care of himself might
S6: be the most important thing that he does for her
S6: while she's away, because he could also slip back into
S6: some addiction, numb himself from the pain of not having
S6: her around in some way, shape or form. So taking
S6: care of himself is a gift to her as well.
S7: Yeah, absolutely, Chris, because, you know, when the prodigal son left,
S7: the father didn't run after him. The father kept the
S7: farm going. So when God did bring that son to
S7: a place that kind of the end of the road,
S7: he had a home to come back to. So I think, yes,
S7: taking care of himself so that when she does come home,
S7: you are in a healthy place would certainly be important.
S6: Thank you for calling with that question, because my guess
S6: is there's somebody listening right now who's in the same
S6: situation or your voice talking about this decision that your
S6: wife made to go into treatment might encourage somebody else
S6: to say, you know what? I that's what I need
S6: in my life. So your calls, your questions really help
S6: us to kind of dig under the surface of what's
S6: going on in your life. And if you want to
S6: ask a question or respond to something today, you can
S6: call 1866424. Gary, leave your message for a future broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. Gary,
S6: we had a call a few weeks ago from a
S6: listener who was a widower, and he was looking for
S6: some good Resources for what he was going through. That's
S6: where our next caller comes in.
S10: Hi, Gary. I'm calling in response to the widower who
S10: called and asked for a book about grief. I lost
S10: my husband 15 years ago. I also attended Griefshare, which,
S10: as you said, is a very excellent program. I would, however,
S10: like to suggest the book Getting to the Other Side
S10: of Grief. I found that a very helpful book because
S10: it's written by people who also lost their spouses, and
S10: then they married each other. I have given about 30
S10: copies to friends all over this country who have lost
S10: their loved ones, and everyone who has spoken to me
S10: about it afterwards said it was a big help. So
S10: the book is getting to the other side of grief.
S10: I hope that helps. Good day.
S7: Well, Chris, I'm glad she called because, listen, I know
S7: we have many listeners who are going through grief, you know,
S7: who've lost a spouse or lost another family member. And
S7: the book she's recommending is a good book. And so
S7: I'm glad she called and is sharing that with our audience.
S7: Getting to the other side of grief. And she also
S7: mentioned what I had suggested, also going to a grief
S7: share program. Many churches, particularly larger churches, have grief share.
S7: And so it's actually where you go to a meeting
S7: with others who are going through this. And it's a
S7: program for several weeks that really, really has helped thousands
S7: of people work through grief in a very meaningful way.
S9: I like.
S6: That title. I haven't read the book, but a lot
S6: of people will say, when am I going to get
S6: over this? You know, when are or when are you
S6: going to get over, you know, keep start living again.
S6: It's not about getting over, getting to the other side
S6: of it. It puts a different spin In. Because if
S6: you've loved somebody really well and you've lost that person,
S6: there is no real getting over it. You're always going
S6: to have that pain that that heart tug every time
S6: you think of that person, right?
S7: Yeah. And I think, Chris, there's nothing wrong with thinking
S7: about a person that you've lost and reflecting upon the
S7: positive things in the experience that you had in life.
S7: And I've found that sometimes, even after widows or widowers
S7: do remarry, later in the in the journey, not everyone does.
S7: But when they do, I've encouraged them to have openness
S7: to talk about their former spouse, you know, with each other.
S7: I think that's very, very healthy because you're being honest.
S7: Both of you know, you've had a loss in your
S7: life and you've had a history with that person. And
S7: so we don't just act like, you know, they didn't exist.
S7: Far healthier to share with each other, you know, positive
S7: memories or sometimes, you know, struggles that you may have
S7: had in that relationship because you're sharing life together with
S7: each other, but you both have a history with someone else.
S7: So let's let's be open and honest about our history.
S7: I think that can be extremely helpful for couples who
S7: do remarry.
S8: This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S6: You can find out more about some of the resources
S6: we talk about here today at the website Building Relationships.
S6: I need to put a disclaimer before this next call. Gary,
S6: it could make you a tad bit hungry. All right.
S6: You have been warned. Here we go.
S11: Hi, doctor Gary. My wife and I love the love languages.
S11: We're very fortunate that we share the two same primary
S11: love languages, those being physical touch and also words of affirmation.
S11: We were excited to see the cross promotion you had
S11: with Van Loon's ice cream. I brought home a couple
S11: of pints and had a funny moment when I gave
S11: my wife her pint of let's hang out some more
S11: quality time, and she said, but quality time isn't one
S11: of my primary love language is and I said no,
S11: but s'mores is one of your favorite flavors. We both
S11: got a chuckle and it made for a great Valentine's.
S7: Well, you know, I'm finding a lot of folks who
S7: are discovering the five love languages with different ice creams.
S7: And I think it's a fun thing if you like
S7: ice cream, to recognize that, uh, that to have an
S7: ice cream flavor that goes with a particular love language.
S7: It can be a fun thing, whether it's Valentine's Day
S7: or whether it could be any day. If you're an
S7: ice cream person. Okay.
S6: I love it, I love it, but you are making
S6: me hungry. So that reminds me, you know, we we
S6: we throw around this five love languages thing. It's in
S6: the culture. Everybody knows it quote unquote. But there may
S6: be somebody who's listening. I've never heard the five love languages.
S6: Would you walk me through those? What are the five
S6: love languages?
S7: All right. One of them is words of affirmation. You
S7: look nice in that outfit. I really appreciate what you did.
S7: Just looking for words that you can affirm them for
S7: something about them. Words of affirmation. And then there's acts
S7: of service. Doing something for the person in a marriage.
S7: Such things as cooking meals, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, putting
S7: gas in their car. Just anything that you know they
S7: would like for you to do. Remember the old saying,
S7: actions speak louder than words. If this is their love language.
S7: Actions will speak louder than words. Then there's gifts. It's
S7: universal to give gifts as an expression of love. The
S7: gift says they were thinking about me. Look what they
S7: got for me. And the gift doesn't have to be expensive,
S7: but it's something that relates to them as a person
S7: that you. Maybe you've heard them express the desire. I'd
S7: like to have one of those someday, but it's giving gifts.
S7: And then number four is quality time, giving the other
S7: person your undivided attention. I do not mean sitting on
S7: the couch watching television. Someone else has your attention. TV
S7: is off. Computer is down. We're not answering our phone.
S7: We're giving each other our full attention, sharing whatever we
S7: want to share with each other. We can be sitting
S7: around the house. We can be taking a walk down
S7: the road, but it's giving them our full attention. And
S7: the number five is physical touch. Affirming physical touches. In
S7: a marriage, it would be such things as kissing, holding hands,
S7: embracing the whole sexual part of the marriage, arm around
S7: the shoulder, putting your hand on their leg as you're
S7: driving down the road, just just affirming touches. And of course, Chris,
S7: the basic idea of the book is that out of
S7: those five languages, each of us has what I call
S7: a primary love language. One speaks more deeply to us
S7: emotionally than the other four. And if you don't speak
S7: your spouse's primary love language, They will not feel loved
S7: even though you're speaking some of the other languages. It's
S7: a simple concept, but it absolutely can transform a marriage.
S7: When each of you starts speaking the other person's primary
S7: love language.
S6: And for teenagers, this goes for you too. It goes
S6: for all ages. But there may be somebody. So now
S6: you know what the five love languages are. But there
S6: might be somebody who's asking. Wait a minute. You just
S6: talked about ice cream. There's a there was a company
S6: that came out. This was back closer to Valentine's Day
S6: that came out with five different flavors, with each of
S6: those as a theme. And I think the in the
S6: little pint containers, they were kind of pink or darker pink,
S6: lighter pink, that kind of thing. Right.
S7: Yeah. That's right. And it was just a promotional thing
S7: for them. They just picked up on the five love
S7: language concept and got permission to to use that. So.
S7: So it's been a fun thing.
S6: Yeah. There's one. You're my brown sugar cookie butter. It's
S6: meant to taste like words of affirmation. Uh. Hug me.
S6: Hazelnut truffle is. That must be the physical touch, right?
S7: Yes. That's physical touch.
S6: So your idea that you came up with back in
S6: the 1990s is if you figure out what this person
S6: that you love, how they hear love or how they
S6: feel loved and speak that you're going to get through, right?
S7: Yeah. That's right. Chris, you know, almost everyone agrees that
S7: one of our deepest emotional needs on the human level
S7: is the need to feel loved by the significant people
S7: in our lives. And if it's a husband and wife,
S7: I mean, that's the most important relationship. If you feel
S7: loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. But if you
S7: don't feel loved, life can begin to look pretty dark.
S7: So it's a it's a simple concept on how to
S7: effectively meet each other's emotional need for love.
S1: You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S1: He's the New York Times best selling author of The
S1: Five Love Languages. For more simple ways to strengthen your relationships,
S1: go to five Love Languages. Com our featured resource today
S1: is Doctor Chapman's book, A Teen's Guide to the Five
S1: Love Languages. Again, go to Five Love languages.com to find
S1: out more.
S6: This is our dear Gary broadcast for the month of
S6: March and we would love to hear from you. If
S6: you have a question, or maybe you want to follow
S6: up something that you've heard today on the program, call
S6: us 1866424. Gary, leave your message and we might use
S6: your question or comment right here on the program. 4244279.
S6: All right. Here's a real life situation in a home
S6: that I don't think you can solve in five minutes, Gary,
S6: to be honest with you. But I want to hear
S6: what you will say about this marriage issue.
S12: Hi, Gary. My husband and I have been married for
S12: nine years. This is our fourth marriage for both of us.
S12: I have three children, a son and two daughters. He
S12: has a son. They're all grown. My youngest daughter is
S12: chronically ill and most likely only has about two years
S12: left to live. She's 32. She also has two daughters.
S12: They're living in the house with us now. This has
S12: caused major strain on our marriage because my husband cannot
S12: stand my daughter. And the reason for that. And this
S12: is his words, is because he views her health problems
S12: as a result of choices that she made. And he's
S12: partially right. She's diabetic and she chose to have children,
S12: which in turn damaged her kidneys. And she's in stage
S12: four kidney failure for the second time. She's also got
S12: heart problems, but this has caused a major strain on
S12: her marriage, because I have to be there and take
S12: care of my daughter and her daughters. And I was
S12: in the hospital with her last year for three months.
S12: He would not call me to ask how I was,
S12: if I needed anything, how she was. The only time
S12: she called was to complain that he had the sniffles
S12: and that one of our cats had died. And what
S12: a bad day he was having at work while I
S12: was dealing with possibly losing my daughter at the time.
S12: And I just wanted to know what your advice is
S12: on this. We are going to counseling and he even
S12: told the counselor that he felt like he he was
S12: being replaced. How can I make this better? Thank you
S12: for your advice.
S7: Well, you have to be empathetic with this mother and
S7: wife who is rather caught in the middle between trying
S7: to care for her daughter and her grandchildren, and also
S7: her husband at the same time. It's a very, very
S7: difficult situation. There's no question about that. So I can
S7: understand her frustration. I think also anyone can understand her
S7: husband's frustration that if she's gone for three months caring
S7: for her, her daughter and the grandchildren and has no
S7: contact with him, you can sense how he would feel
S7: that he's a second fiddle in her mind. At the
S7: same time, you also say, well, wait a minute. I mean,
S7: that's her daughter. You don't want her to walk away
S7: from her daughter. So it's a very, very hard situation.
S7: One of the things I would say if I were
S7: talking to him is this I can understand how you
S7: would feel that your wife has not put you as
S7: number one in the relationship. But I want you to
S7: try to see it through a mother's eyes. It's called empathy.
S7: See it through the mother's eyes. Here's my daughter. Yes,
S7: she made wrong choices. Yes. Some of the things that
S7: she's suffering physically are because of some wrong choices that
S7: she made. But she's still my daughter, and I'm the
S7: one that can care for her. Who else is going
S7: to care for her and those grandchildren? I mean, you know,
S7: I love them and they deserve someone that loves them.
S7: So I think we tend to see things only through
S7: our own eyes, not through the eyes of the other person.
S7: But if you put yourself in their eyes and look
S7: at the world through their eyes, you can come to
S7: understand Why they do what they do. And it doesn't
S7: mean you like it. It doesn't mean it's ideal. But
S7: you see why they want to do that. Why she
S7: wants to do that and that she's not rejecting you.
S7: It's just that at this juncture in her life and
S7: the life of her daughter, she feels like this is
S7: something she must do as a loving mother. So I
S7: think we have to be empathetic with the other person.
S7: I think on her side, she also needs to be
S7: empathetic with him. Honey, I can see how you would
S7: feel that way. That makes sense to me. But at
S7: this juncture, I don't have an option. Think about military couples.
S7: They're sometimes separated not for three months, but for a
S7: whole year. Sometimes. And yet they can have good marriages.
S7: If we keep in touch with each other. So it's
S7: a matter of saying, okay, this is the situation we're
S7: in right now, but let's let's keep in touch with
S7: each other rather than isolating each other. Let's reach out today.
S7: Technology allows you to do that and see each other
S7: face to face and talk on the phone, face to face.
S7: So utilize the ability to communicate with each other to
S7: be empathetic with each other. Let each other know I
S7: love you, I'm praying for you and, uh, share life
S7: with each other while you're walking through this, rather than
S7: just withdrawing and feeling sorry for yourself. It's a matter
S7: of choosing an attitude of love. Jesus said about himself,
S7: The Son of Man did not come to be served,
S7: but to serve and give his life a ransom for others.
S7: He is our model, and if we choose not to
S7: be self-centered, but to choose love and ask, how can
S7: I minister to my spouse during this time in our
S7: in our relationship, then you're going to reach out and
S7: find ways to love her. And she reaches back to
S7: find ways to love you. And if you understand each
S7: other's love language, it'll make it even easier. But you see,
S7: sometimes it boils down to am I going to have
S7: a selfish attitude? Or am I going to have a
S7: loving attitude? Love reaches out to serve the other person
S7: and try to help them in the situation that they're
S7: now in. To me, that's the approach. If there's going
S7: to be a healthy relationship developed in this situation.
S6: And I was thinking about it from a five love
S6: languages perspective. What if and I'm not saying this is
S6: what's going on, but what if her love language is
S6: acts of service? You know, she does a lot for
S6: her daughter. And what of his is quality time? Then
S6: you've got that. You know, they're kind of butting heads with,
S6: he's not feeling loved and she's not feeling loved, you know,
S6: from him being empathetic. I think the most hopeful thing
S6: that I've heard in all of that, what she described
S6: is they're going to counseling. They are? Yeah, they're having
S6: a problem, but they're going to counseling. That's a good sign.
S7: I think that is a good sign, Chris. Always a
S7: good sign. When two people are willing to go for counseling,
S7: there's always hope because they have an outside voice who's
S7: both hearing each of them understanding their perspectives and helping
S7: them understand each other and how they might work this
S7: out in a positive way, even though it's a difficult time. Yeah,
S7: that's very positive that they're reaching out for counseling.
S6: You know, the other thing that went through my mind
S6: is from his perspective, I wish he would call and
S6: we could talk with him. But the if his if
S6: her daughter only has, you know, a year or two
S6: to live, then there's going to be a long time
S6: after that that she, the mom, is going to be
S6: dealing with that loss. And what kind of regret can
S6: he not have two years, three years, five years, ten
S6: years down the road? What can he do right now
S6: so that he doesn't have to look back in regret
S6: at the way that he handled this situation? You know,
S6: I'm not telling him. I'm not giving him advice other
S6: than if you look down the trail a little bit,
S6: it might help you right now with the struggles that
S6: you're having with your daughter.
S7: Yeah. I think acknowledging that, you know, it's a hard
S7: time right now. This is not very pleasant, but it's
S7: not going to be forever. So let's let's make the
S7: most of where we are and find out how we
S7: can love each other in the midst of the present situation.
S7: And then when it gets better, it gets better. But
S7: let's let's face it. Everybody faces hard times along the
S7: journey of life. And so if we don't learn how
S7: to love each other in the midst of struggle and hardship.
S7: Then we go through divorce, and this lady mentioned that
S7: each of them has already been this is their fourth marriage, right? Well,
S7: maybe this is the time for them to learn how
S7: to love each other in difficult situations. Because love is
S7: a choice. It doesn't begin with a feeling. It begins
S7: with a choice. I want to enrich your life. That's
S7: the attitude of love. And you each have that attitude
S7: toward each other. So the question is, how can I
S7: best do that at this juncture in our relationship, facing
S7: the realities that we now have?
S6: And again, if you want to ask a question of
S6: Doctor Chapman or you heard our last caller and you say,
S6: here's our situation that's similar to this, you want to
S6: give a little bit of advice of your own from
S6: your own experience. 866424. Gary is our number. Call. Leave
S6: your message. You might hear your comment or question on
S6: a future broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. I love it when listeners hear
S6: something and they want to add to the conversation. On
S6: a previous program, you took a call about a man
S6: whose wife had a concussion. Gary. Here's our next caller.
S13: Hey, Gary. Um, I'm calling because I just heard the caller, uh,
S13: regarding the question about his wife and having suffered a
S13: concussion and also now some, um, unfortunate possible effect in
S13: their relationship, especially on the side of sexually. Um, I'm
S13: in the health care business. Uh, I'm not a doctor.
S13: But that said, I think another consideration for the caller to, um,
S13: discuss with his wife and the provider is menopause. One
S13: of the major issues is also sexual desire. You know,
S13: is affected. She should consider. And even between the age
S13: of 40 and above, you know, this could start happening.
S13: So that's something to consider. Unfortunately, many people don't discuss this.
S13: For some reason. They're ashamed of this. But this is
S13: a real issue. Um, and it's something that many couples
S13: can walk through and work through, especially if they're believers.
S13: So I wish everyone luck. And I thank you for, uh,
S13: the station.
S7: Well, I appreciate the caller sharing that. Uh, you know,
S7: I think when we hear things, whether I'm speaking or
S7: anybody else is speaking and you have ideas, uh, that, uh,
S7: that were not surfaced, uh, it's wonderful that you share
S7: those things with us and with our listeners. Yeah. I
S7: have always encouraged couples to have open conversation about the
S7: sexual part of marriage. We don't make progress in any
S7: area of marriage without communication. And so talking about this
S7: part of the relationship is important, and working through a
S7: Christian book that deals with this topic is also important.
S7: And I say Christian book because a lot of times
S7: non-Christian books in this particular area can suggest things that
S7: I think are not not biblical, but working through a
S7: book like this, like reading a chapter and then saying, well,
S7: you know, what can we learn from this? And I
S7: deal with this in several of my books, for example,
S7: The Marriage You've Always Wanted. I have a chapter on
S7: this open communication for couples in this part of the marriage.
S7: So I think it's really important and I appreciate this
S7: caller sharing that with us.
S6: Here's something that just struck me. Gary, husband and wife
S6: driving down the road and you're listening. Here's a great question.
S6: Turn to your spouse and ask this. If you could
S6: hear any topic discussed on building relationships, anything that you
S6: would like to hear Doctor Chapman talk about or have
S6: a guest on, what would it be? You ask that
S6: question and then listen well and then ask why? Why
S6: would you like to hear that? Because the topics that, uh,
S6: that your spouse wants to see addressed, there's a reason
S6: why that's there. And it's the same with our next caller,
S6: because I know that you're open to just about any
S6: topic that we could discuss here on the program. There's
S6: a caller who called 866424 Gary and left a suggestion.
S6: Here it is.
S14: Hi, Gary. I would like if you could cover the
S14: topic of singles who are actually already parents, because some
S14: of us became Christians after having children, and some of
S14: us have never married and we have children. And I'd
S14: love if you could cover that topic and how we
S14: can connect with other singles. Not for the dating aspect,
S14: but where do we belong? I guess because we're not
S14: the married. We're not the young people that are in
S14: the campus ministries. We're this this particular niche, and there's
S14: a lot of us, but we're not all in the
S14: same churches. So if you could cover that at some point,
S14: I think that would be awesome. And I look forward
S14: to hearing what you have to say about what single
S14: parents need to do, since we are technically single. Thank
S14: you so much for everything you're doing and all the
S14: wisdom you share.
S7: Well, this mother is describing the situation of thousands of
S7: single moms in this country. Many reasons for that. As
S7: she said, sometimes they had children before they got married
S7: and now they're single. They never married the father of
S7: the child. Sometimes it's been a divorce, but there are
S7: literally thousands of single moms in this country. And it's
S7: not an easy journey because, you know, in reality, the
S7: ideal is that every child will have a mother and
S7: a father with whom they can relate, because they need
S7: to have a model of what a Christian husband looks
S7: like and what a Christian mother looks like. Well, a
S7: single mom cannot take the place of a Christian father
S7: to that child, but she can be a Christian mother
S7: to that child. And again, loving that child as a mother,
S7: understanding the five love languages and that if you have
S7: two children, they probably have different primary love languages. And
S7: so you got to learn to speak each other's primary language,
S7: plus speak the other four, because we want the child
S7: to learn how to receive love and later give love
S7: in all five languages. The other thing I would say
S7: is if there is a Christian father or male in
S7: the extended family, it could be an uncle. It could
S7: be a grandfather who would be willing to spend time
S7: with that child. That would be ideal that the child
S7: would have at least a father figure in their lives,
S7: even if it's not a father, a literal father. So
S7: I think whatever you can do to expose that child
S7: to to men, it would be helpful as well. It
S7: complements what you're doing. That can often be done in
S7: the context of a church. And having the child in
S7: a church and in a children's program geared to their age.
S7: Because many times the teachers of those classes are males
S7: and females. So that's a great place for your child
S7: to find exposure to a male figure as well, who
S7: is a Christian. So I think that that could be very,
S7: very helpful. As she said, she's not interested in going online,
S7: just trying to find a husband. I mean, she wants
S7: if God wants her to have a husband, then she's
S7: going to keep open to that reality. Uh, but she
S7: wants to be a faithful mother where she is. And
S7: I think that's the desire of all Christian mothers who
S7: are single moms. So there are churches, of course, that
S7: have programs for single mothers. And I think if you
S7: find one in your community, that would certainly be worth
S7: attending that. And sometimes they have classes along that line
S7: as well. And then there are books I think that
S7: could help, help you. I have not written a book
S7: for single mothers. I've written a book for singles, but
S7: not dealing with the parental aspect. But I do encourage
S7: single moms to reach out and seek to find someone,
S7: and not necessarily one. It can be more than one,
S7: but someone who can be a father figure for those children.
S7: I think it will be an asset to the children
S7: if you can do that.
S6: Yeah, the heart cry that I hear from her, and
S6: I think it's a lot of people, maybe not in
S6: her specific situation, but it's as far as the church goes.
S6: Where do I belong? Where do I fit in here?
S6: I don't feel like, you know, I'm. I'm kind of untethered. Uh,
S6: I'm lost in space. I remember watching that as a kid.
S6: I'm dating myself now, but lost in space. And. And
S6: it goes on this spacewalk outside, and the hands are
S6: going up. It's like, where where am I? What? What
S6: do I matter? Does anybody see me here? And I
S6: just want to to say to that person, God sees you.
S6: He knows what you're going through. And then to those
S6: who are leaders in the church, how how can you
S6: come alongside her and offer help? Or for the single dad?
S6: I hear from a lot of single dads too, Gary.
S7: Yeah, yeah, I think you're exactly right, Chris. I think
S7: if a church would announce that they're going to have
S7: a meeting, just a meeting or a dinner for single mothers,
S7: and there'll be child care for those children. They might
S7: be shocked at the number of people that would come
S7: to that. And then if they decide to do that
S7: once a month, those single mothers would reach out with
S7: other single mothers and that meeting would grow. I can
S7: almost guarantee you would grow because you're right. They often
S7: feel like I don't fit. I don't fit anywhere. I
S7: don't fit in the singles ministry because they're all singles
S7: without children. I don't fit with the married group because
S7: I'm not married. So yeah, it is a challenge for
S7: the individual and it's also a challenge for the church.
S7: And I would just encourage you, if there are church
S7: leaders who are listening to us today, that you explore
S7: the possibility of starting some kind of ministry to single mothers.
S6: Well, as you've listened here today, you've heard some really
S6: deep calls, some great calls, life situations. And if you
S6: want to lend your voice to the effort, call us
S6: at 866424. 24. Gary, leave a question. Leave a comment.
S6: We just love to hear your voice. You can talk
S6: about ice cream too if you'd like. 1866424. Gary, we'd
S6: love to hear from you. And don't forget to check
S6: out our featured resource, the book by Doctor Chapman A
S6: Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages how to understand
S6: yourself and improve all your relationships. You can find out
S6: more at the website.
S7: Building relationships and next week how to build spiritual habits
S7: in the home.
S1: Discover some small steps you can take in one week.
S1: Before we go, let me thank our production team, Steve
S1: Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman
S1: is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association
S1: with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks
S1: for listening.