WEBVTT - Dear Gary | March 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:03.920 Today we open the listener line for your questions on 0:00:03.920 --> 0:00:06.600 building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. 0:00:07.320 --> 0:00:10.480 I am trying to figure out what her love language is. 0:00:10.520 --> 0:00:13.720 What do you think about getting on dating sites? 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:15.760 What's the best way for me to love her, even 0:00:15.760 --> 0:00:17.479 though I can't really see or talk to her. 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:21.000 Singles who are actually already parents? Where do we belong, 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:21.680 I guess. 0:00:25.239 --> 0:00:29.080 Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:29.080 --> 0:00:32.760 the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's 0:00:32.760 --> 0:00:35.920 one of the most anticipated conversations of the month when 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:38.240 we open the listener line and hear from you as 0:00:38.240 --> 0:00:41.040 you pose questions for Doctor Chapman. And we have some 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:44.600 great questions today on our March edition of Dear Gary. 0:00:44.760 --> 0:00:47.200 And it's our hope that something you hear today will 0:00:47.200 --> 0:00:50.760 help you in your marriage, maybe your parenting, maybe in 0:00:50.760 --> 0:00:55.440 your singleness. If you go to building relationships, you'll find 0:00:55.440 --> 0:00:59.459 more simple ways to strengthen your relationships. You can call 0:00:59.460 --> 0:01:02.140 and leave a question as well for an upcoming program. 0:01:02.140 --> 0:01:03.780 If you hear something today and you say, hey, I 0:01:03.780 --> 0:01:08.660 want to ask Doctor Chapman about that. 866424. Gary is 0:01:08.660 --> 0:01:11.180 our number. Leave your message. We'll try to get to 0:01:11.260 --> 0:01:17.260 it on a future broadcast. 1866424. Gary, we'd love to 0:01:17.260 --> 0:01:20.580 hear from you today. Our featured resource is a book 0:01:20.580 --> 0:01:24.700 by Doctor Chapman, A Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages, 0:01:24.700 --> 0:01:28.180 how to understand yourself and improve all your relationships. We 0:01:28.180 --> 0:01:32.340 have it linked at Building Relationships. And Gary, you're going 0:01:32.340 --> 0:01:34.580 to hear some parents today scratching their heads about the 0:01:34.580 --> 0:01:38.140 love language of their offspring. But this is for the 0:01:38.140 --> 0:01:42.700 teenager himself or herself to read and work through, isn't it? 0:01:43.340 --> 0:01:46.420 Uh, yes, Chris, and I'm really glad about this book, 0:01:46.420 --> 0:01:50.620 because I think it's going to stimulate some communication between 0:01:50.620 --> 0:01:54.660 teenagers and their parents. You know, parents have often read 0:01:54.660 --> 0:01:57.590 the five Love Languages of Teenagers or the other book, 0:01:57.590 --> 0:02:00.990 The Five Love Languages of Children. But the children haven't 0:02:00.990 --> 0:02:04.230 read them. But now that they're teenagers, I felt like, 0:02:04.270 --> 0:02:08.109 you know, if they have a book for themselves where 0:02:08.110 --> 0:02:11.350 they're reading this concept and how it applies in their 0:02:11.350 --> 0:02:15.510 relationship with their parents, their siblings and other extended family 0:02:15.510 --> 0:02:19.709 members and friends, it would create some really good conversation 0:02:19.750 --> 0:02:23.950 between parents and those teenagers. So I'm excited about this book. 0:02:23.990 --> 0:02:27.109 For anyone who has a teenage son or daughter or 0:02:27.150 --> 0:02:31.710 a teenage grandson or granddaughter, get this book for them 0:02:31.710 --> 0:02:34.230 and I can almost guarantee you you'll have some good 0:02:34.230 --> 0:02:36.630 conversations about the whole concept. 0:02:37.070 --> 0:02:40.750 It's called A Teen's Guide to the five Love Languages. 0:02:40.750 --> 0:02:45.109 We have it linked at the website Building Relationships How 0:02:45.150 --> 0:02:49.110 to Understand Yourself and Improve all your relationships. That's a big, uh, 0:02:49.550 --> 0:02:52.830 that's a big target right there. But boy, it might 0:02:52.830 --> 0:02:56.090 happen because of this. What a gift. A Teen's Guide 0:02:56.090 --> 0:03:00.690 to the five love languages. Go to building relationships. All right. 0:03:00.730 --> 0:03:03.290 Now to your calls. First up, let's hear from a 0:03:03.290 --> 0:03:05.649 mom who is trying to solve a mystery. 0:03:06.490 --> 0:03:10.450 Hi, Gary. I have a 23 year old daughter. I 0:03:10.570 --> 0:03:13.530 am trying to figure out what her love language is. 0:03:13.730 --> 0:03:16.130 I know it's not touch. She doesn't really like to 0:03:16.130 --> 0:03:20.290 be hugged terribly much, and she doesn't really like to 0:03:20.330 --> 0:03:25.410 talk much. So that's probably not one. So I just 0:03:25.450 --> 0:03:29.290 I'm looking for ways that I can grow with her 0:03:29.490 --> 0:03:33.769 and love on her and be there for her without 0:03:33.770 --> 0:03:37.410 being too much for her. Um, she does live at 0:03:37.410 --> 0:03:40.010 home at the moment. If you could answer that, I 0:03:40.010 --> 0:03:42.690 would really appreciate it. Have a blessed day. Thank you. 0:03:42.690 --> 0:03:43.170 Bye bye. 0:03:44.330 --> 0:03:48.530 I would suggest you give her a gift of the 0:03:48.530 --> 0:03:54.350 five love languages for singles, which applies the love language 0:03:54.350 --> 0:03:58.870 concept to the parents, to the siblings, to the roommates 0:03:58.910 --> 0:04:02.310 college roommates. Well, sure, she's living at home now. Uh, 0:04:02.310 --> 0:04:06.430 or they're dating partners or any close relationship. If you 0:04:06.430 --> 0:04:08.589 give it to her and say to her, you know, 0:04:08.590 --> 0:04:13.030 this book is written specifically for singles, uh, I wonder 0:04:13.030 --> 0:04:14.950 if you would read it and tell me what you 0:04:14.950 --> 0:04:18.190 think of it. Just the fact that she'll be reading 0:04:18.190 --> 0:04:21.790 it is going to help her understand the concept, so 0:04:21.790 --> 0:04:26.630 that then you can really talk about the relationship and 0:04:26.630 --> 0:04:30.950 her love language. Of course, there is also online five 0:04:30.990 --> 0:04:35.909 love languages. There's a free quiz for single adults which 0:04:35.910 --> 0:04:39.270 help them discover their primary language, but I think her 0:04:39.270 --> 0:04:42.870 reading the singles book first would make it much more 0:04:42.870 --> 0:04:44.710 meaningful for her and for you. 0:04:45.910 --> 0:04:49.270 It's called the Five Love Languages Singles Edition, or five 0:04:49.270 --> 0:04:54.520 Love Languages for singles. The secret that will revolutionize your relationships. 0:04:54.520 --> 0:04:57.920 And there it is again. It's it's something that you 0:04:57.920 --> 0:05:01.120 understand about yourself. But it's not just about you. It's 0:05:01.120 --> 0:05:05.360 about how others interact with you. What you're looking for. 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:08.000 And I love it that this mom says, I just 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:11.040 really want to express love to her, but I and 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:14.159 I don't know if it's getting through and maybe she 0:05:14.160 --> 0:05:16.960 is getting through in some way, but she doesn't know. 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:19.840 You know what that way is with her 23 year old. 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:22.200 That's why you came up with this, right? 0:05:22.839 --> 0:05:25.960 Yeah. And and that's why I think her, the single 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:29.960 adult reading the book, it's going to open up a conversation, 0:05:29.960 --> 0:05:32.599 make it easy to talk about this topic with that 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:33.480 single adult. 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:37.840 Again, if you go to the website five Love languages.com, 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:41.440 you can take that free assessment for singles or others 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:44.440 and see the book that Gary just mentioned. Five Love 0:05:44.440 --> 0:05:47.560 languages for singles, as well as a teens guide to 0:05:47.600 --> 0:05:50.700 the five Love languages. So you can go to five 0:05:50.740 --> 0:05:56.580 love languages or building relationships. We've got you covered right there. 0:05:56.900 --> 0:06:00.940 All right, Gary, you've answered this next question. For younger callers. 0:06:01.420 --> 0:06:04.940 It concerns relationships and technology. 0:06:06.020 --> 0:06:09.180 Hi, Gary. I'd like to know, what do you think 0:06:09.700 --> 0:06:16.140 about getting on dating sites if you're interested in dating? 0:06:16.180 --> 0:06:19.500 I've been a widow now for ten years. I want 0:06:19.540 --> 0:06:24.140 to get back into dating. Looking forward to getting married again. 0:06:24.140 --> 0:06:25.940 So I was just wondering what. What did you think 0:06:25.940 --> 0:06:28.859 about these dating sites? All right. Thank you. 0:06:29.860 --> 0:06:33.180 It's been very interesting over the last several years, how 0:06:33.180 --> 0:06:36.500 many people have shared with me that they actually met 0:06:36.540 --> 0:06:41.300 each other through one of the online dating sites? You know, 0:06:41.339 --> 0:06:43.500 in the early stages, I was a little leery of 0:06:43.540 --> 0:06:48.989 that because you can't really reveal your whole self, or 0:06:48.990 --> 0:06:52.669 really get to know another person just simply by doing 0:06:52.670 --> 0:06:56.910 things online. Uh, but it is amazing that there there 0:06:56.910 --> 0:06:59.430 have been many people who are meeting the person that 0:06:59.430 --> 0:07:03.110 they eventually marry. Uh, by using those sites. What I 0:07:03.110 --> 0:07:07.230 do suggest is, if indeed you find someone on one 0:07:07.230 --> 0:07:10.590 of those dating sites and you begin to communicate with 0:07:10.590 --> 0:07:14.070 each other online and do feel some attraction and do 0:07:14.070 --> 0:07:19.150 feel that you have some similarities, spend time together in 0:07:19.150 --> 0:07:23.030 the real world before you make the decision to marry. Uh, 0:07:23.030 --> 0:07:25.670 that is whatever you have to do, whether it's traveling 0:07:25.710 --> 0:07:28.950 to where they are or or sometimes maybe even moving, 0:07:28.950 --> 0:07:31.550 if that's possible. So you'll be close enough that you 0:07:31.550 --> 0:07:35.470 can spend some time together with the real person, not 0:07:35.470 --> 0:07:40.790 just the person that you're seeing online. Uh, I'm not 0:07:40.790 --> 0:07:43.310 opposed to those sites. I think they can be very helpful, 0:07:43.310 --> 0:07:46.970 particularly in today's world. But I also would encourage you 0:07:47.130 --> 0:07:50.970 to be involved in a local church, and many churches 0:07:50.970 --> 0:07:55.650 in a community do have events for single adults. In 0:07:55.650 --> 0:07:57.410 this case, of course, you're a widow, so I don't 0:07:57.450 --> 0:08:00.450 know how old you would be, but, uh, there are 0:08:00.450 --> 0:08:03.050 churches where you can meet people as well on the 0:08:03.050 --> 0:08:04.010 local scene. 0:08:04.450 --> 0:08:07.530 Yeah, she mentioned that it's been ten years, and I 0:08:07.530 --> 0:08:11.730 just sense from what she said that she's done some work, 0:08:11.770 --> 0:08:14.530 you know, she's done. She's grieved well, the loss of 0:08:14.530 --> 0:08:19.050 her husband. And it sounds like she's she's saying, I 0:08:19.090 --> 0:08:21.770 think I'm ready to move back into, you know, some 0:08:21.770 --> 0:08:25.130 kind of relationship, long term relationship that will eventually lead 0:08:25.130 --> 0:08:28.570 to marriage. I see a lot of hope in in 0:08:28.570 --> 0:08:30.130 what she's saying, don't you? 0:08:30.650 --> 0:08:34.809 Yeah, absolutely. She's not simply saying, you know, uh, I'm 0:08:34.809 --> 0:08:37.250 designed to be a widow the rest of my life. 0:08:37.290 --> 0:08:40.090 God may well have someone for her. On the other hand, 0:08:40.130 --> 0:08:41.970 that may not be God's plan for her. And I 0:08:41.970 --> 0:08:44.290 think she has to keep open to that also. But 0:08:44.290 --> 0:08:47.309 there's certainly nothing wrong with reaching out and seeking to 0:08:47.350 --> 0:08:51.430 develop friendships with the possibility that one of them may 0:08:51.429 --> 0:08:52.430 lead to marriage. 0:08:53.270 --> 0:08:54.190 A featured resource. 0:08:54.190 --> 0:08:56.990 Today is the book by Doctor Chapman, A Teen's Guide 0:08:56.990 --> 0:09:00.709 to the Five Love Languages how to understand yourself and 0:09:00.710 --> 0:09:04.150 improve all your relationships. You can find out more about 0:09:04.150 --> 0:09:10.790 it at Building Relationships. Again, go to Building Relationships. This 0:09:10.790 --> 0:09:15.109 next call is from a husband in a really difficult place. Gary. 0:09:15.150 --> 0:09:16.550 Here's his situation. 0:09:17.510 --> 0:09:23.270 Hi Gary. My question is in regards to loving my 0:09:23.270 --> 0:09:27.309 wife while she is away. We've been together two years. 0:09:27.309 --> 0:09:33.350 Married for one. No children together. She has two. 117 0:09:33.390 --> 0:09:37.230 and one five year old. He knows me only as 0:09:37.230 --> 0:09:40.910 dad and I have a ten year old also. We 0:09:40.910 --> 0:09:45.120 have both struggled with addictions in the past. I went 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:50.439 to a Christian center in Minnesota some years ago. When 0:09:50.440 --> 0:09:53.240 I came home, I met my wife and she was 0:09:53.240 --> 0:09:59.160 also in recovery. Right now she is in a rehab center. 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:01.840 I just dropped her off there the other day, and 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:04.280 she's going to be there for 90 days. And it's 0:10:04.320 --> 0:10:08.400 just me and our son and I have a great 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:11.840 support group. I just, uh, I want to I want 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:15.719 to love her the best way I can. And I 0:10:15.720 --> 0:10:20.640 miss her already. And, uh, I just want to know how. 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:23.880 What's the best way for me to love her, even 0:10:23.880 --> 0:10:25.880 though I can't really see her or talk to her? 0:10:26.240 --> 0:10:27.440 How do I do that? Thanks. 0:10:28.920 --> 0:10:32.360 Well, first of all, let me say I am encouraged 0:10:32.360 --> 0:10:36.400 to know that she is in a recovery center because 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:40.160 as you well know, addiction is not something that necessarily 0:10:40.520 --> 0:10:43.260 we get over and we never, ever have a problem again. 0:10:43.580 --> 0:10:46.459 And so it's not abnormal that we might fall back 0:10:46.460 --> 0:10:50.660 into that addiction. So the fact that she is reaching out, 0:10:50.700 --> 0:10:53.460 she is in a recovery center. That's a very, very 0:10:53.460 --> 0:10:56.420 positive thing, I think, for you have to recognize, of 0:10:56.420 --> 0:11:00.500 course it's temporary. You mentioned 90 days. Well, when you've 0:11:00.500 --> 0:11:03.460 only been married a year. 90 days is a long 0:11:03.460 --> 0:11:06.100 time because you have to live it one day at 0:11:06.100 --> 0:11:09.180 a time. I think one way you can love her 0:11:09.420 --> 0:11:12.900 is by doing everything you can to take care of 0:11:12.900 --> 0:11:15.500 the child, or children that are still in the home 0:11:15.980 --> 0:11:19.780 while she is away. If there's no contact at all 0:11:19.820 --> 0:11:22.540 allowed with her, that is no phone calls, no letters 0:11:22.540 --> 0:11:25.940 or anything, then you don't have an option. If they 0:11:25.940 --> 0:11:29.459 do allow letters or it wouldn't be, I don't think 0:11:29.460 --> 0:11:31.860 it would be online. But if they do allow letters, 0:11:31.860 --> 0:11:34.300 then you can write her a letter and just tell 0:11:34.300 --> 0:11:36.300 her how proud you are of her, that she is 0:11:36.300 --> 0:11:38.780 dealing with this, and you want her to know that 0:11:38.780 --> 0:11:41.400 you pray for her every day, that you love her 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:45.400 very much, and that you're doing everything you can to 0:11:45.800 --> 0:11:50.079 make this a positive time for the children. That, I think, 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:54.280 is probably the best thing you can do at this point. Obviously, 0:11:54.280 --> 0:11:59.000 praying that God will use this recovery time to really 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:02.959 help her break the bondage of this addiction. Because we 0:12:02.960 --> 0:12:06.600 all need outside help when it comes to breaking addictions. 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:10.240 And so you're just praying that God will intervene and 0:12:10.559 --> 0:12:13.520 give her the power to to do what on the 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:17.000 human level is very, very difficult to do. So I 0:12:17.000 --> 0:12:18.920 think you've got a good heart. I think you've got 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:22.120 the right spirit. And I think if you simply do 0:12:22.400 --> 0:12:25.760 what you can do at this juncture, which is rather 0:12:25.760 --> 0:12:29.600 limited right now, but also being strong for her when 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:34.479 she does come home and and seeking to grow immediately 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:37.850 when she comes home. Love her, whatever her love language is. 0:12:37.850 --> 0:12:40.530 If you've never read the five love languages, I'd say 0:12:40.530 --> 0:12:43.650 read that and try to figure out what her primary 0:12:43.650 --> 0:12:46.570 love language is. So when she does come home, you 0:12:46.570 --> 0:12:49.450 can communicate love to her in the language that is 0:12:49.450 --> 0:12:51.890 most meaningful to her emotionally. 0:12:52.730 --> 0:12:55.329 I got another idea to to throw in there. If 0:12:55.330 --> 0:12:57.970 he can't write a letter to her or send her 0:12:57.970 --> 0:13:01.610 an email or whatever. Uh, what if he keeps a journal, 0:13:02.090 --> 0:13:05.209 a journal, a 90 day journal? And this is what's 0:13:05.210 --> 0:13:07.610 happening today, and this is what I'm thinking about you. 0:13:07.610 --> 0:13:10.850 Even though she can't, she won't see that until she 0:13:10.970 --> 0:13:15.449 comes home after 90 days. She'll see the process that 0:13:15.450 --> 0:13:18.290 he went through and the notes that he took and 0:13:18.290 --> 0:13:21.530 the things that he was thinking throughout that time. What 0:13:21.530 --> 0:13:22.090 do you think? 0:13:22.570 --> 0:13:26.890 I think that's a fabulous idea, Chris. Absolutely. 0:13:26.929 --> 0:13:29.650 I get a gold star. I get a gold star, 0:13:29.690 --> 0:13:30.170 don't I? 0:13:31.010 --> 0:13:34.050 Yeah, it's good for him because he's he's writing out 0:13:34.050 --> 0:13:36.829 his thoughts and feelings and what's going on, and it 0:13:36.830 --> 0:13:39.550 will be very encouraging to her when she does get 0:13:39.550 --> 0:13:42.949 out and takes time to read through that. Yeah. Great idea. 0:13:43.470 --> 0:13:46.469 Well, okay, just one more thing that I thought as 0:13:46.470 --> 0:13:49.550 I heard his voice and he said he's got a 0:13:49.590 --> 0:13:53.110 great support group and I think that is key. You know, 0:13:53.150 --> 0:13:55.790 if you're taking care of and you're working and you're 0:13:55.790 --> 0:13:59.950 taking care of child yourself, taking care of himself might 0:13:59.950 --> 0:14:03.670 be the most important thing that he does for her 0:14:04.110 --> 0:14:07.510 while she's away, because he could also slip back into 0:14:07.550 --> 0:14:11.790 some addiction, numb himself from the pain of not having 0:14:11.790 --> 0:14:15.270 her around in some way, shape or form. So taking 0:14:15.270 --> 0:14:17.870 care of himself is a gift to her as well. 0:14:18.590 --> 0:14:23.750 Yeah, absolutely, Chris, because, you know, when the prodigal son left, 0:14:23.910 --> 0:14:26.630 the father didn't run after him. The father kept the 0:14:26.630 --> 0:14:30.230 farm going. So when God did bring that son to 0:14:30.270 --> 0:14:32.390 a place that kind of the end of the road, 0:14:32.710 --> 0:14:35.650 he had a home to come back to. So I think, yes, 0:14:35.650 --> 0:14:38.290 taking care of himself so that when she does come home, 0:14:38.290 --> 0:14:41.890 you are in a healthy place would certainly be important. 0:14:43.130 --> 0:14:46.050 Thank you for calling with that question, because my guess 0:14:46.090 --> 0:14:48.530 is there's somebody listening right now who's in the same 0:14:48.530 --> 0:14:53.290 situation or your voice talking about this decision that your 0:14:53.290 --> 0:14:57.170 wife made to go into treatment might encourage somebody else 0:14:57.170 --> 0:14:59.810 to say, you know what? I that's what I need 0:14:59.810 --> 0:15:04.170 in my life. So your calls, your questions really help 0:15:04.170 --> 0:15:07.210 us to kind of dig under the surface of what's 0:15:07.210 --> 0:15:09.490 going on in your life. And if you want to 0:15:09.530 --> 0:15:12.370 ask a question or respond to something today, you can 0:15:12.370 --> 0:15:25.370 call 1866424. Gary, leave your message for a future broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. Gary, 0:15:25.410 --> 0:15:27.090 we had a call a few weeks ago from a 0:15:27.090 --> 0:15:30.290 listener who was a widower, and he was looking for 0:15:30.290 --> 0:15:33.900 some good Resources for what he was going through. That's 0:15:33.900 --> 0:15:35.620 where our next caller comes in. 0:15:36.660 --> 0:15:41.020 Hi, Gary. I'm calling in response to the widower who 0:15:41.020 --> 0:15:45.020 called and asked for a book about grief. I lost 0:15:45.020 --> 0:15:50.140 my husband 15 years ago. I also attended Griefshare, which, 0:15:50.180 --> 0:15:54.060 as you said, is a very excellent program. I would, however, 0:15:54.060 --> 0:15:58.980 like to suggest the book Getting to the Other Side 0:15:58.980 --> 0:16:03.420 of Grief. I found that a very helpful book because 0:16:03.420 --> 0:16:07.820 it's written by people who also lost their spouses, and 0:16:07.820 --> 0:16:11.780 then they married each other. I have given about 30 0:16:11.820 --> 0:16:15.500 copies to friends all over this country who have lost 0:16:15.500 --> 0:16:18.260 their loved ones, and everyone who has spoken to me 0:16:18.260 --> 0:16:21.100 about it afterwards said it was a big help. So 0:16:21.100 --> 0:16:24.940 the book is getting to the other side of grief. 0:16:25.220 --> 0:16:27.100 I hope that helps. Good day. 0:16:28.020 --> 0:16:32.040 Well, Chris, I'm glad she called because, listen, I know 0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:35.400 we have many listeners who are going through grief, you know, 0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:39.320 who've lost a spouse or lost another family member. And 0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:42.160 the book she's recommending is a good book. And so 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:46.040 I'm glad she called and is sharing that with our audience. 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:50.360 Getting to the other side of grief. And she also 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:53.440 mentioned what I had suggested, also going to a grief 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:59.640 share program. Many churches, particularly larger churches, have grief share. 0:16:59.800 --> 0:17:02.040 And so it's actually where you go to a meeting 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:04.560 with others who are going through this. And it's a 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:08.640 program for several weeks that really, really has helped thousands 0:17:08.640 --> 0:17:11.600 of people work through grief in a very meaningful way. 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:12.720 I like. 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:15.360 That title. I haven't read the book, but a lot 0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:17.160 of people will say, when am I going to get 0:17:17.160 --> 0:17:18.800 over this? You know, when are or when are you 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:21.520 going to get over, you know, keep start living again. 0:17:21.560 --> 0:17:25.040 It's not about getting over, getting to the other side 0:17:25.040 --> 0:17:28.650 of it. It puts a different spin In. Because if 0:17:28.690 --> 0:17:32.290 you've loved somebody really well and you've lost that person, 0:17:32.290 --> 0:17:35.930 there is no real getting over it. You're always going 0:17:35.970 --> 0:17:40.250 to have that pain that that heart tug every time 0:17:40.250 --> 0:17:42.010 you think of that person, right? 0:17:42.290 --> 0:17:44.649 Yeah. And I think, Chris, there's nothing wrong with thinking 0:17:44.650 --> 0:17:47.810 about a person that you've lost and reflecting upon the 0:17:47.810 --> 0:17:50.930 positive things in the experience that you had in life. 0:17:51.290 --> 0:17:54.969 And I've found that sometimes, even after widows or widowers 0:17:55.170 --> 0:17:59.010 do remarry, later in the in the journey, not everyone does. 0:17:59.130 --> 0:18:02.369 But when they do, I've encouraged them to have openness 0:18:02.410 --> 0:18:05.770 to talk about their former spouse, you know, with each other. 0:18:05.770 --> 0:18:09.010 I think that's very, very healthy because you're being honest. 0:18:09.010 --> 0:18:10.890 Both of you know, you've had a loss in your 0:18:10.890 --> 0:18:13.730 life and you've had a history with that person. And 0:18:13.730 --> 0:18:17.010 so we don't just act like, you know, they didn't exist. 0:18:17.170 --> 0:18:20.930 Far healthier to share with each other, you know, positive 0:18:20.930 --> 0:18:23.530 memories or sometimes, you know, struggles that you may have 0:18:23.530 --> 0:18:27.510 had in that relationship because you're sharing life together with 0:18:27.510 --> 0:18:30.550 each other, but you both have a history with someone else. 0:18:30.710 --> 0:18:33.950 So let's let's be open and honest about our history. 0:18:33.950 --> 0:18:36.510 I think that can be extremely helpful for couples who 0:18:36.510 --> 0:18:37.390 do remarry. 0:18:38.190 --> 0:18:40.709 This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. 0:18:40.710 --> 0:18:43.030 You can find out more about some of the resources 0:18:43.030 --> 0:18:46.790 we talk about here today at the website Building Relationships. 0:18:48.430 --> 0:18:52.030 I need to put a disclaimer before this next call. Gary, 0:18:52.070 --> 0:18:55.030 it could make you a tad bit hungry. All right. 0:18:55.030 --> 0:18:57.590 You have been warned. Here we go. 0:18:58.470 --> 0:19:01.630 Hi, doctor Gary. My wife and I love the love languages. 0:19:01.630 --> 0:19:04.510 We're very fortunate that we share the two same primary 0:19:04.510 --> 0:19:09.750 love languages, those being physical touch and also words of affirmation. 0:19:10.030 --> 0:19:12.950 We were excited to see the cross promotion you had 0:19:12.950 --> 0:19:15.270 with Van Loon's ice cream. I brought home a couple 0:19:15.310 --> 0:19:17.830 of pints and had a funny moment when I gave 0:19:17.830 --> 0:19:20.110 my wife her pint of let's hang out some more 0:19:20.150 --> 0:19:23.550 quality time, and she said, but quality time isn't one 0:19:23.550 --> 0:19:25.850 of my primary love language is and I said no, 0:19:25.850 --> 0:19:28.530 but s'mores is one of your favorite flavors. We both 0:19:28.530 --> 0:19:30.970 got a chuckle and it made for a great Valentine's. 0:19:31.730 --> 0:19:35.010 Well, you know, I'm finding a lot of folks who 0:19:35.010 --> 0:19:39.770 are discovering the five love languages with different ice creams. 0:19:40.090 --> 0:19:42.570 And I think it's a fun thing if you like 0:19:42.570 --> 0:19:46.770 ice cream, to recognize that, uh, that to have an 0:19:46.770 --> 0:19:50.370 ice cream flavor that goes with a particular love language. 0:19:50.490 --> 0:19:53.290 It can be a fun thing, whether it's Valentine's Day 0:19:53.330 --> 0:19:54.969 or whether it could be any day. If you're an 0:19:54.970 --> 0:19:56.810 ice cream person. Okay. 0:19:57.290 --> 0:19:58.890 I love it, I love it, but you are making 0:19:58.890 --> 0:20:02.490 me hungry. So that reminds me, you know, we we 0:20:02.530 --> 0:20:05.130 we throw around this five love languages thing. It's in 0:20:05.130 --> 0:20:07.889 the culture. Everybody knows it quote unquote. But there may 0:20:07.930 --> 0:20:10.930 be somebody who's listening. I've never heard the five love languages. 0:20:10.930 --> 0:20:13.250 Would you walk me through those? What are the five 0:20:13.250 --> 0:20:14.330 love languages? 0:20:14.730 --> 0:20:17.850 All right. One of them is words of affirmation. You 0:20:17.850 --> 0:20:21.330 look nice in that outfit. I really appreciate what you did. 0:20:21.330 --> 0:20:24.940 Just looking for words that you can affirm them for 0:20:24.940 --> 0:20:29.500 something about them. Words of affirmation. And then there's acts 0:20:29.500 --> 0:20:33.700 of service. Doing something for the person in a marriage. 0:20:33.700 --> 0:20:38.100 Such things as cooking meals, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, putting 0:20:38.100 --> 0:20:41.340 gas in their car. Just anything that you know they 0:20:41.340 --> 0:20:44.540 would like for you to do. Remember the old saying, 0:20:44.820 --> 0:20:49.020 actions speak louder than words. If this is their love language. 0:20:49.060 --> 0:20:53.939 Actions will speak louder than words. Then there's gifts. It's 0:20:53.940 --> 0:20:57.699 universal to give gifts as an expression of love. The 0:20:57.740 --> 0:21:01.220 gift says they were thinking about me. Look what they 0:21:01.220 --> 0:21:04.500 got for me. And the gift doesn't have to be expensive, 0:21:05.020 --> 0:21:07.980 but it's something that relates to them as a person 0:21:07.980 --> 0:21:10.700 that you. Maybe you've heard them express the desire. I'd 0:21:10.700 --> 0:21:13.700 like to have one of those someday, but it's giving gifts. 0:21:13.740 --> 0:21:17.460 And then number four is quality time, giving the other 0:21:17.460 --> 0:21:22.119 person your undivided attention. I do not mean sitting on 0:21:22.119 --> 0:21:26.800 the couch watching television. Someone else has your attention. TV 0:21:26.800 --> 0:21:30.200 is off. Computer is down. We're not answering our phone. 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:34.760 We're giving each other our full attention, sharing whatever we 0:21:34.760 --> 0:21:37.000 want to share with each other. We can be sitting 0:21:37.000 --> 0:21:39.040 around the house. We can be taking a walk down 0:21:39.040 --> 0:21:42.840 the road, but it's giving them our full attention. And 0:21:42.840 --> 0:21:48.280 the number five is physical touch. Affirming physical touches. In 0:21:48.280 --> 0:21:52.119 a marriage, it would be such things as kissing, holding hands, 0:21:52.119 --> 0:21:55.240 embracing the whole sexual part of the marriage, arm around 0:21:55.240 --> 0:21:58.480 the shoulder, putting your hand on their leg as you're 0:21:58.480 --> 0:22:02.560 driving down the road, just just affirming touches. And of course, Chris, 0:22:02.560 --> 0:22:05.280 the basic idea of the book is that out of 0:22:05.280 --> 0:22:08.600 those five languages, each of us has what I call 0:22:08.600 --> 0:22:13.119 a primary love language. One speaks more deeply to us 0:22:13.119 --> 0:22:16.480 emotionally than the other four. And if you don't speak 0:22:16.480 --> 0:22:20.780 your spouse's primary love language, They will not feel loved 0:22:20.780 --> 0:22:24.500 even though you're speaking some of the other languages. It's 0:22:24.500 --> 0:22:28.419 a simple concept, but it absolutely can transform a marriage. 0:22:28.420 --> 0:22:32.060 When each of you starts speaking the other person's primary 0:22:32.060 --> 0:22:32.859 love language. 0:22:34.500 --> 0:22:37.900 And for teenagers, this goes for you too. It goes 0:22:37.900 --> 0:22:42.300 for all ages. But there may be somebody. So now 0:22:42.300 --> 0:22:45.380 you know what the five love languages are. But there 0:22:45.380 --> 0:22:47.300 might be somebody who's asking. Wait a minute. You just 0:22:47.300 --> 0:22:49.900 talked about ice cream. There's a there was a company 0:22:49.900 --> 0:22:52.740 that came out. This was back closer to Valentine's Day 0:22:52.740 --> 0:22:56.939 that came out with five different flavors, with each of 0:22:56.940 --> 0:22:59.780 those as a theme. And I think the in the 0:22:59.900 --> 0:23:05.580 little pint containers, they were kind of pink or darker pink, 0:23:05.580 --> 0:23:07.780 lighter pink, that kind of thing. Right. 0:23:08.500 --> 0:23:11.740 Yeah. That's right. And it was just a promotional thing 0:23:11.740 --> 0:23:14.100 for them. They just picked up on the five love 0:23:14.100 --> 0:23:19.149 language concept and got permission to to use that. So. 0:23:19.630 --> 0:23:21.230 So it's been a fun thing. 0:23:21.630 --> 0:23:25.869 Yeah. There's one. You're my brown sugar cookie butter. It's 0:23:25.869 --> 0:23:29.950 meant to taste like words of affirmation. Uh. Hug me. 0:23:29.990 --> 0:23:34.750 Hazelnut truffle is. That must be the physical touch, right? 0:23:34.790 --> 0:23:36.230 Yes. That's physical touch. 0:23:36.470 --> 0:23:38.790 So your idea that you came up with back in 0:23:38.790 --> 0:23:43.189 the 1990s is if you figure out what this person 0:23:43.190 --> 0:23:47.350 that you love, how they hear love or how they 0:23:47.350 --> 0:23:52.470 feel loved and speak that you're going to get through, right? 0:23:52.869 --> 0:23:55.750 Yeah. That's right. Chris, you know, almost everyone agrees that 0:23:55.750 --> 0:23:59.870 one of our deepest emotional needs on the human level 0:24:00.030 --> 0:24:03.750 is the need to feel loved by the significant people 0:24:03.750 --> 0:24:06.710 in our lives. And if it's a husband and wife, 0:24:06.750 --> 0:24:09.390 I mean, that's the most important relationship. If you feel 0:24:09.390 --> 0:24:12.389 loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. But if you 0:24:12.390 --> 0:24:15.970 don't feel loved, life can begin to look pretty dark. 0:24:16.210 --> 0:24:18.810 So it's a it's a simple concept on how to 0:24:18.850 --> 0:24:23.250 effectively meet each other's emotional need for love. 0:24:27.410 --> 0:24:31.570 You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:24:31.850 --> 0:24:34.130 He's the New York Times best selling author of The 0:24:34.130 --> 0:24:38.610 Five Love Languages. For more simple ways to strengthen your relationships, 0:24:38.650 --> 0:24:42.770 go to five Love Languages. Com our featured resource today 0:24:42.770 --> 0:24:45.890 is Doctor Chapman's book, A Teen's Guide to the Five 0:24:45.970 --> 0:24:50.010 Love Languages. Again, go to Five Love languages.com to find 0:24:50.010 --> 0:24:50.610 out more. 0:24:52.570 --> 0:24:55.050 This is our dear Gary broadcast for the month of 0:24:55.050 --> 0:24:57.090 March and we would love to hear from you. If 0:24:57.090 --> 0:24:59.050 you have a question, or maybe you want to follow 0:24:59.050 --> 0:25:01.770 up something that you've heard today on the program, call 0:25:01.770 --> 0:25:08.010 us 1866424. Gary, leave your message and we might use 0:25:08.010 --> 0:25:16.710 your question or comment right here on the program. 4244279. 0:25:17.030 --> 0:25:19.949 All right. Here's a real life situation in a home 0:25:19.950 --> 0:25:22.830 that I don't think you can solve in five minutes, Gary, 0:25:22.830 --> 0:25:24.590 to be honest with you. But I want to hear 0:25:24.590 --> 0:25:27.830 what you will say about this marriage issue. 0:25:28.910 --> 0:25:31.710 Hi, Gary. My husband and I have been married for 0:25:31.710 --> 0:25:34.590 nine years. This is our fourth marriage for both of us. 0:25:35.350 --> 0:25:38.790 I have three children, a son and two daughters. He 0:25:38.790 --> 0:25:43.710 has a son. They're all grown. My youngest daughter is 0:25:44.430 --> 0:25:48.870 chronically ill and most likely only has about two years 0:25:48.869 --> 0:25:53.190 left to live. She's 32. She also has two daughters. 0:25:53.430 --> 0:25:56.190 They're living in the house with us now. This has 0:25:56.190 --> 0:26:01.110 caused major strain on our marriage because my husband cannot 0:26:01.109 --> 0:26:04.950 stand my daughter. And the reason for that. And this 0:26:04.950 --> 0:26:08.950 is his words, is because he views her health problems 0:26:09.230 --> 0:26:14.399 as a result of choices that she made. And he's 0:26:14.400 --> 0:26:18.600 partially right. She's diabetic and she chose to have children, 0:26:18.600 --> 0:26:23.480 which in turn damaged her kidneys. And she's in stage 0:26:23.480 --> 0:26:26.840 four kidney failure for the second time. She's also got 0:26:26.880 --> 0:26:30.480 heart problems, but this has caused a major strain on 0:26:30.480 --> 0:26:33.440 her marriage, because I have to be there and take 0:26:33.440 --> 0:26:38.159 care of my daughter and her daughters. And I was 0:26:38.200 --> 0:26:41.640 in the hospital with her last year for three months. 0:26:42.160 --> 0:26:44.760 He would not call me to ask how I was, 0:26:44.760 --> 0:26:48.440 if I needed anything, how she was. The only time 0:26:48.440 --> 0:26:51.920 she called was to complain that he had the sniffles 0:26:52.160 --> 0:26:56.400 and that one of our cats had died. And what 0:26:56.440 --> 0:26:58.959 a bad day he was having at work while I 0:26:58.960 --> 0:27:02.160 was dealing with possibly losing my daughter at the time. 0:27:02.600 --> 0:27:06.840 And I just wanted to know what your advice is 0:27:06.840 --> 0:27:10.540 on this. We are going to counseling and he even 0:27:10.540 --> 0:27:14.940 told the counselor that he felt like he he was 0:27:14.940 --> 0:27:20.020 being replaced. How can I make this better? Thank you 0:27:20.020 --> 0:27:20.980 for your advice. 0:27:22.180 --> 0:27:25.500 Well, you have to be empathetic with this mother and 0:27:25.500 --> 0:27:29.500 wife who is rather caught in the middle between trying 0:27:29.500 --> 0:27:34.020 to care for her daughter and her grandchildren, and also 0:27:34.020 --> 0:27:37.340 her husband at the same time. It's a very, very 0:27:37.340 --> 0:27:41.300 difficult situation. There's no question about that. So I can 0:27:41.300 --> 0:27:46.100 understand her frustration. I think also anyone can understand her 0:27:46.100 --> 0:27:50.060 husband's frustration that if she's gone for three months caring 0:27:50.060 --> 0:27:53.780 for her, her daughter and the grandchildren and has no 0:27:53.780 --> 0:27:57.540 contact with him, you can sense how he would feel 0:27:57.700 --> 0:28:01.460 that he's a second fiddle in her mind. At the 0:28:01.460 --> 0:28:04.180 same time, you also say, well, wait a minute. I mean, 0:28:04.180 --> 0:28:06.340 that's her daughter. You don't want her to walk away 0:28:06.340 --> 0:28:10.440 from her daughter. So it's a very, very hard situation. 0:28:10.840 --> 0:28:12.440 One of the things I would say if I were 0:28:12.440 --> 0:28:16.440 talking to him is this I can understand how you 0:28:16.440 --> 0:28:19.800 would feel that your wife has not put you as 0:28:19.800 --> 0:28:22.920 number one in the relationship. But I want you to 0:28:22.960 --> 0:28:26.320 try to see it through a mother's eyes. It's called empathy. 0:28:26.720 --> 0:28:31.080 See it through the mother's eyes. Here's my daughter. Yes, 0:28:31.119 --> 0:28:34.320 she made wrong choices. Yes. Some of the things that 0:28:34.320 --> 0:28:38.440 she's suffering physically are because of some wrong choices that 0:28:38.440 --> 0:28:42.400 she made. But she's still my daughter, and I'm the 0:28:42.400 --> 0:28:44.560 one that can care for her. Who else is going 0:28:44.600 --> 0:28:47.800 to care for her and those grandchildren? I mean, you know, 0:28:47.840 --> 0:28:51.160 I love them and they deserve someone that loves them. 0:28:51.360 --> 0:28:54.120 So I think we tend to see things only through 0:28:54.120 --> 0:28:57.960 our own eyes, not through the eyes of the other person. 0:28:58.480 --> 0:29:01.240 But if you put yourself in their eyes and look 0:29:01.240 --> 0:29:04.000 at the world through their eyes, you can come to 0:29:04.040 --> 0:29:09.490 understand Why they do what they do. And it doesn't 0:29:09.490 --> 0:29:13.290 mean you like it. It doesn't mean it's ideal. But 0:29:13.290 --> 0:29:15.370 you see why they want to do that. Why she 0:29:15.370 --> 0:29:18.290 wants to do that and that she's not rejecting you. 0:29:18.570 --> 0:29:22.010 It's just that at this juncture in her life and 0:29:22.010 --> 0:29:24.209 the life of her daughter, she feels like this is 0:29:24.210 --> 0:29:27.530 something she must do as a loving mother. So I 0:29:27.530 --> 0:29:30.010 think we have to be empathetic with the other person. 0:29:30.410 --> 0:29:33.290 I think on her side, she also needs to be 0:29:33.290 --> 0:29:36.770 empathetic with him. Honey, I can see how you would 0:29:36.770 --> 0:29:39.850 feel that way. That makes sense to me. But at 0:29:39.850 --> 0:29:44.370 this juncture, I don't have an option. Think about military couples. 0:29:45.210 --> 0:29:47.930 They're sometimes separated not for three months, but for a 0:29:47.930 --> 0:29:51.930 whole year. Sometimes. And yet they can have good marriages. 0:29:52.370 --> 0:29:55.010 If we keep in touch with each other. So it's 0:29:55.010 --> 0:29:58.010 a matter of saying, okay, this is the situation we're 0:29:58.050 --> 0:30:01.570 in right now, but let's let's keep in touch with 0:30:01.570 --> 0:30:06.790 each other rather than isolating each other. Let's reach out today. 0:30:06.990 --> 0:30:09.590 Technology allows you to do that and see each other 0:30:09.590 --> 0:30:12.310 face to face and talk on the phone, face to face. 0:30:12.790 --> 0:30:17.470 So utilize the ability to communicate with each other to 0:30:17.510 --> 0:30:21.150 be empathetic with each other. Let each other know I 0:30:21.150 --> 0:30:24.510 love you, I'm praying for you and, uh, share life 0:30:24.510 --> 0:30:28.270 with each other while you're walking through this, rather than 0:30:28.270 --> 0:30:32.710 just withdrawing and feeling sorry for yourself. It's a matter 0:30:32.710 --> 0:30:37.390 of choosing an attitude of love. Jesus said about himself, 0:30:37.910 --> 0:30:40.750 The Son of Man did not come to be served, 0:30:40.950 --> 0:30:44.630 but to serve and give his life a ransom for others. 0:30:45.350 --> 0:30:48.630 He is our model, and if we choose not to 0:30:48.630 --> 0:30:53.510 be self-centered, but to choose love and ask, how can 0:30:53.510 --> 0:30:56.990 I minister to my spouse during this time in our 0:30:57.030 --> 0:31:00.670 in our relationship, then you're going to reach out and 0:31:00.670 --> 0:31:03.520 find ways to love her. And she reaches back to 0:31:03.560 --> 0:31:06.600 find ways to love you. And if you understand each 0:31:06.600 --> 0:31:10.560 other's love language, it'll make it even easier. But you see, 0:31:10.600 --> 0:31:13.600 sometimes it boils down to am I going to have 0:31:13.600 --> 0:31:16.200 a selfish attitude? Or am I going to have a 0:31:16.200 --> 0:31:20.600 loving attitude? Love reaches out to serve the other person 0:31:20.600 --> 0:31:23.320 and try to help them in the situation that they're 0:31:23.320 --> 0:31:26.680 now in. To me, that's the approach. If there's going 0:31:26.720 --> 0:31:31.400 to be a healthy relationship developed in this situation. 0:31:32.240 --> 0:31:34.320 And I was thinking about it from a five love 0:31:34.320 --> 0:31:37.560 languages perspective. What if and I'm not saying this is 0:31:37.600 --> 0:31:40.720 what's going on, but what if her love language is 0:31:40.760 --> 0:31:42.760 acts of service? You know, she does a lot for 0:31:42.760 --> 0:31:45.920 her daughter. And what of his is quality time? Then 0:31:45.960 --> 0:31:48.640 you've got that. You know, they're kind of butting heads with, 0:31:48.880 --> 0:31:53.040 he's not feeling loved and she's not feeling loved, you know, 0:31:53.080 --> 0:31:57.960 from him being empathetic. I think the most hopeful thing 0:31:57.960 --> 0:32:01.100 that I've heard in all of that, what she described 0:32:01.100 --> 0:32:04.700 is they're going to counseling. They are? Yeah, they're having 0:32:04.700 --> 0:32:07.540 a problem, but they're going to counseling. That's a good sign. 0:32:07.540 --> 0:32:10.740 I think that is a good sign, Chris. Always a 0:32:10.740 --> 0:32:14.180 good sign. When two people are willing to go for counseling, 0:32:14.180 --> 0:32:18.860 there's always hope because they have an outside voice who's 0:32:18.860 --> 0:32:23.300 both hearing each of them understanding their perspectives and helping 0:32:23.300 --> 0:32:26.900 them understand each other and how they might work this 0:32:26.900 --> 0:32:30.460 out in a positive way, even though it's a difficult time. Yeah, 0:32:30.460 --> 0:32:33.220 that's very positive that they're reaching out for counseling. 0:32:33.860 --> 0:32:36.180 You know, the other thing that went through my mind 0:32:36.260 --> 0:32:40.020 is from his perspective, I wish he would call and 0:32:40.020 --> 0:32:43.500 we could talk with him. But the if his if 0:32:43.500 --> 0:32:46.060 her daughter only has, you know, a year or two 0:32:46.100 --> 0:32:49.100 to live, then there's going to be a long time 0:32:49.100 --> 0:32:52.740 after that that she, the mom, is going to be 0:32:52.780 --> 0:32:58.620 dealing with that loss. And what kind of regret can 0:32:58.620 --> 0:33:03.120 he not have two years, three years, five years, ten 0:33:03.160 --> 0:33:06.440 years down the road? What can he do right now 0:33:06.440 --> 0:33:10.160 so that he doesn't have to look back in regret 0:33:10.160 --> 0:33:13.880 at the way that he handled this situation? You know, 0:33:13.920 --> 0:33:17.200 I'm not telling him. I'm not giving him advice other 0:33:17.200 --> 0:33:20.680 than if you look down the trail a little bit, 0:33:20.720 --> 0:33:23.960 it might help you right now with the struggles that 0:33:23.960 --> 0:33:26.000 you're having with your daughter. 0:33:26.760 --> 0:33:29.680 Yeah. I think acknowledging that, you know, it's a hard 0:33:29.720 --> 0:33:32.880 time right now. This is not very pleasant, but it's 0:33:32.880 --> 0:33:36.280 not going to be forever. So let's let's make the 0:33:36.280 --> 0:33:38.840 most of where we are and find out how we 0:33:38.840 --> 0:33:42.360 can love each other in the midst of the present situation. 0:33:42.880 --> 0:33:46.640 And then when it gets better, it gets better. But 0:33:46.760 --> 0:33:51.080 let's let's face it. Everybody faces hard times along the 0:33:51.080 --> 0:33:54.840 journey of life. And so if we don't learn how 0:33:55.000 --> 0:33:58.450 to love each other in the midst of struggle and hardship. 0:33:58.970 --> 0:34:02.850 Then we go through divorce, and this lady mentioned that 0:34:02.850 --> 0:34:06.650 each of them has already been this is their fourth marriage, right? Well, 0:34:06.770 --> 0:34:10.290 maybe this is the time for them to learn how 0:34:10.290 --> 0:34:14.410 to love each other in difficult situations. Because love is 0:34:14.410 --> 0:34:17.690 a choice. It doesn't begin with a feeling. It begins 0:34:17.690 --> 0:34:22.170 with a choice. I want to enrich your life. That's 0:34:22.170 --> 0:34:25.250 the attitude of love. And you each have that attitude 0:34:25.290 --> 0:34:28.089 toward each other. So the question is, how can I 0:34:28.090 --> 0:34:32.290 best do that at this juncture in our relationship, facing 0:34:32.290 --> 0:34:34.690 the realities that we now have? 0:34:35.810 --> 0:34:38.049 And again, if you want to ask a question of 0:34:38.050 --> 0:34:41.969 Doctor Chapman or you heard our last caller and you say, 0:34:42.170 --> 0:34:45.609 here's our situation that's similar to this, you want to 0:34:45.610 --> 0:34:48.290 give a little bit of advice of your own from 0:34:48.290 --> 0:34:53.290 your own experience. 866424. Gary is our number. Call. Leave 0:34:53.290 --> 0:34:56.350 your message. You might hear your comment or question on 0:34:56.350 --> 0:35:03.710 a future broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. I love it when listeners hear 0:35:03.710 --> 0:35:07.149 something and they want to add to the conversation. On 0:35:07.150 --> 0:35:10.110 a previous program, you took a call about a man 0:35:10.110 --> 0:35:13.950 whose wife had a concussion. Gary. Here's our next caller. 0:35:14.830 --> 0:35:18.790 Hey, Gary. Um, I'm calling because I just heard the caller, uh, 0:35:18.790 --> 0:35:22.790 regarding the question about his wife and having suffered a 0:35:22.790 --> 0:35:29.790 concussion and also now some, um, unfortunate possible effect in 0:35:29.790 --> 0:35:33.870 their relationship, especially on the side of sexually. Um, I'm 0:35:33.870 --> 0:35:37.230 in the health care business. Uh, I'm not a doctor. 0:35:37.230 --> 0:35:43.670 But that said, I think another consideration for the caller to, um, 0:35:43.870 --> 0:35:48.790 discuss with his wife and the provider is menopause. One 0:35:48.790 --> 0:35:53.649 of the major issues is also sexual desire. You know, 0:35:53.730 --> 0:35:57.930 is affected. She should consider. And even between the age 0:35:57.930 --> 0:36:01.529 of 40 and above, you know, this could start happening. 0:36:01.530 --> 0:36:06.850 So that's something to consider. Unfortunately, many people don't discuss this. 0:36:06.850 --> 0:36:09.250 For some reason. They're ashamed of this. But this is 0:36:09.250 --> 0:36:12.730 a real issue. Um, and it's something that many couples 0:36:12.730 --> 0:36:16.770 can walk through and work through, especially if they're believers. 0:36:16.770 --> 0:36:20.730 So I wish everyone luck. And I thank you for, uh, 0:36:20.730 --> 0:36:21.569 the station. 0:36:22.610 --> 0:36:25.770 Well, I appreciate the caller sharing that. Uh, you know, 0:36:25.810 --> 0:36:28.690 I think when we hear things, whether I'm speaking or 0:36:28.690 --> 0:36:32.730 anybody else is speaking and you have ideas, uh, that, uh, 0:36:32.730 --> 0:36:36.170 that were not surfaced, uh, it's wonderful that you share 0:36:36.170 --> 0:36:39.089 those things with us and with our listeners. Yeah. I 0:36:39.130 --> 0:36:42.770 have always encouraged couples to have open conversation about the 0:36:42.770 --> 0:36:46.410 sexual part of marriage. We don't make progress in any 0:36:46.410 --> 0:36:50.610 area of marriage without communication. And so talking about this 0:36:50.610 --> 0:36:54.339 part of the relationship is important, and working through a 0:36:54.340 --> 0:36:58.300 Christian book that deals with this topic is also important. 0:36:58.300 --> 0:37:01.100 And I say Christian book because a lot of times 0:37:01.340 --> 0:37:04.739 non-Christian books in this particular area can suggest things that 0:37:04.739 --> 0:37:08.100 I think are not not biblical, but working through a 0:37:08.100 --> 0:37:11.060 book like this, like reading a chapter and then saying, well, 0:37:11.060 --> 0:37:13.899 you know, what can we learn from this? And I 0:37:13.900 --> 0:37:16.860 deal with this in several of my books, for example, 0:37:16.860 --> 0:37:19.180 The Marriage You've Always Wanted. I have a chapter on 0:37:19.180 --> 0:37:22.820 this open communication for couples in this part of the marriage. 0:37:22.820 --> 0:37:26.220 So I think it's really important and I appreciate this 0:37:26.219 --> 0:37:28.300 caller sharing that with us. 0:37:28.900 --> 0:37:32.300 Here's something that just struck me. Gary, husband and wife 0:37:32.300 --> 0:37:35.739 driving down the road and you're listening. Here's a great question. 0:37:35.739 --> 0:37:38.939 Turn to your spouse and ask this. If you could 0:37:38.980 --> 0:37:43.420 hear any topic discussed on building relationships, anything that you 0:37:43.420 --> 0:37:45.700 would like to hear Doctor Chapman talk about or have 0:37:45.700 --> 0:37:48.299 a guest on, what would it be? You ask that 0:37:48.300 --> 0:37:53.800 question and then listen well and then ask why? Why 0:37:53.800 --> 0:37:57.560 would you like to hear that? Because the topics that, uh, 0:37:57.560 --> 0:38:00.560 that your spouse wants to see addressed, there's a reason 0:38:00.560 --> 0:38:04.480 why that's there. And it's the same with our next caller, 0:38:04.520 --> 0:38:06.520 because I know that you're open to just about any 0:38:06.520 --> 0:38:10.280 topic that we could discuss here on the program. There's 0:38:10.280 --> 0:38:15.680 a caller who called 866424 Gary and left a suggestion. 0:38:15.719 --> 0:38:16.480 Here it is. 0:38:17.320 --> 0:38:20.359 Hi, Gary. I would like if you could cover the 0:38:20.360 --> 0:38:25.600 topic of singles who are actually already parents, because some 0:38:25.600 --> 0:38:31.759 of us became Christians after having children, and some of 0:38:31.760 --> 0:38:36.040 us have never married and we have children. And I'd 0:38:36.040 --> 0:38:39.200 love if you could cover that topic and how we 0:38:39.239 --> 0:38:44.800 can connect with other singles. Not for the dating aspect, 0:38:44.800 --> 0:38:47.560 but where do we belong? I guess because we're not 0:38:47.560 --> 0:38:51.100 the married. We're not the young people that are in 0:38:51.140 --> 0:38:56.500 the campus ministries. We're this this particular niche, and there's 0:38:56.780 --> 0:38:58.899 a lot of us, but we're not all in the 0:38:58.940 --> 0:39:03.860 same churches. So if you could cover that at some point, 0:39:04.100 --> 0:39:07.300 I think that would be awesome. And I look forward 0:39:07.300 --> 0:39:10.340 to hearing what you have to say about what single 0:39:10.340 --> 0:39:14.540 parents need to do, since we are technically single. Thank 0:39:14.540 --> 0:39:17.380 you so much for everything you're doing and all the 0:39:17.380 --> 0:39:18.460 wisdom you share. 0:39:19.580 --> 0:39:25.780 Well, this mother is describing the situation of thousands of 0:39:25.780 --> 0:39:30.060 single moms in this country. Many reasons for that. As 0:39:30.060 --> 0:39:33.460 she said, sometimes they had children before they got married 0:39:33.780 --> 0:39:36.259 and now they're single. They never married the father of 0:39:36.260 --> 0:39:39.820 the child. Sometimes it's been a divorce, but there are 0:39:39.820 --> 0:39:43.899 literally thousands of single moms in this country. And it's 0:39:43.900 --> 0:39:47.989 not an easy journey because, you know, in reality, the 0:39:47.989 --> 0:39:50.710 ideal is that every child will have a mother and 0:39:50.710 --> 0:39:54.430 a father with whom they can relate, because they need 0:39:54.469 --> 0:39:57.030 to have a model of what a Christian husband looks 0:39:57.030 --> 0:40:01.109 like and what a Christian mother looks like. Well, a 0:40:01.110 --> 0:40:05.110 single mom cannot take the place of a Christian father 0:40:05.110 --> 0:40:08.310 to that child, but she can be a Christian mother 0:40:08.310 --> 0:40:13.910 to that child. And again, loving that child as a mother, 0:40:14.350 --> 0:40:17.350 understanding the five love languages and that if you have 0:40:17.350 --> 0:40:21.069 two children, they probably have different primary love languages. And 0:40:21.070 --> 0:40:24.030 so you got to learn to speak each other's primary language, 0:40:24.310 --> 0:40:27.509 plus speak the other four, because we want the child 0:40:27.630 --> 0:40:30.550 to learn how to receive love and later give love 0:40:30.550 --> 0:40:33.550 in all five languages. The other thing I would say 0:40:33.550 --> 0:40:39.990 is if there is a Christian father or male in 0:40:40.030 --> 0:40:43.350 the extended family, it could be an uncle. It could 0:40:43.350 --> 0:40:47.210 be a grandfather who would be willing to spend time 0:40:47.210 --> 0:40:51.570 with that child. That would be ideal that the child 0:40:51.570 --> 0:40:55.410 would have at least a father figure in their lives, 0:40:55.410 --> 0:40:58.850 even if it's not a father, a literal father. So 0:40:58.850 --> 0:41:02.330 I think whatever you can do to expose that child 0:41:02.330 --> 0:41:06.410 to to men, it would be helpful as well. It 0:41:06.489 --> 0:41:10.009 complements what you're doing. That can often be done in 0:41:10.010 --> 0:41:13.450 the context of a church. And having the child in 0:41:13.450 --> 0:41:18.089 a church and in a children's program geared to their age. 0:41:18.290 --> 0:41:22.010 Because many times the teachers of those classes are males 0:41:22.010 --> 0:41:25.650 and females. So that's a great place for your child 0:41:25.650 --> 0:41:28.850 to find exposure to a male figure as well, who 0:41:28.850 --> 0:41:32.129 is a Christian. So I think that that could be very, 0:41:32.130 --> 0:41:37.490 very helpful. As she said, she's not interested in going online, 0:41:37.489 --> 0:41:39.730 just trying to find a husband. I mean, she wants 0:41:39.730 --> 0:41:41.529 if God wants her to have a husband, then she's 0:41:41.530 --> 0:41:44.819 going to keep open to that reality. Uh, but she 0:41:44.820 --> 0:41:47.219 wants to be a faithful mother where she is. And 0:41:47.219 --> 0:41:51.300 I think that's the desire of all Christian mothers who 0:41:51.460 --> 0:41:55.460 are single moms. So there are churches, of course, that 0:41:55.460 --> 0:41:59.140 have programs for single mothers. And I think if you 0:41:59.140 --> 0:42:01.580 find one in your community, that would certainly be worth 0:42:01.580 --> 0:42:05.580 attending that. And sometimes they have classes along that line 0:42:05.580 --> 0:42:08.580 as well. And then there are books I think that 0:42:08.580 --> 0:42:10.500 could help, help you. I have not written a book 0:42:10.500 --> 0:42:13.980 for single mothers. I've written a book for singles, but 0:42:13.980 --> 0:42:18.100 not dealing with the parental aspect. But I do encourage 0:42:18.100 --> 0:42:24.100 single moms to reach out and seek to find someone, 0:42:24.140 --> 0:42:26.340 and not necessarily one. It can be more than one, 0:42:26.340 --> 0:42:31.420 but someone who can be a father figure for those children. 0:42:31.420 --> 0:42:33.739 I think it will be an asset to the children 0:42:33.739 --> 0:42:34.820 if you can do that. 0:42:35.260 --> 0:42:37.819 Yeah, the heart cry that I hear from her, and 0:42:37.820 --> 0:42:40.259 I think it's a lot of people, maybe not in 0:42:40.260 --> 0:42:44.320 her specific situation, but it's as far as the church goes. 0:42:44.560 --> 0:42:47.680 Where do I belong? Where do I fit in here? 0:42:47.719 --> 0:42:52.200 I don't feel like, you know, I'm. I'm kind of untethered. Uh, 0:42:52.719 --> 0:42:55.600 I'm lost in space. I remember watching that as a kid. 0:42:56.080 --> 0:42:59.040 I'm dating myself now, but lost in space. And. And 0:42:59.320 --> 0:43:02.239 it goes on this spacewalk outside, and the hands are 0:43:02.239 --> 0:43:05.279 going up. It's like, where where am I? What? What 0:43:05.600 --> 0:43:09.480 do I matter? Does anybody see me here? And I 0:43:09.480 --> 0:43:12.760 just want to to say to that person, God sees you. 0:43:12.920 --> 0:43:15.960 He knows what you're going through. And then to those 0:43:15.960 --> 0:43:19.239 who are leaders in the church, how how can you 0:43:19.280 --> 0:43:24.200 come alongside her and offer help? Or for the single dad? 0:43:24.200 --> 0:43:26.759 I hear from a lot of single dads too, Gary. 0:43:27.160 --> 0:43:30.680 Yeah, yeah, I think you're exactly right, Chris. I think 0:43:30.680 --> 0:43:33.960 if a church would announce that they're going to have 0:43:33.960 --> 0:43:37.960 a meeting, just a meeting or a dinner for single mothers, 0:43:38.360 --> 0:43:41.620 and there'll be child care for those children. They might 0:43:41.620 --> 0:43:44.379 be shocked at the number of people that would come 0:43:44.380 --> 0:43:47.460 to that. And then if they decide to do that 0:43:47.460 --> 0:43:50.899 once a month, those single mothers would reach out with 0:43:50.900 --> 0:43:53.700 other single mothers and that meeting would grow. I can 0:43:53.700 --> 0:43:57.180 almost guarantee you would grow because you're right. They often 0:43:57.180 --> 0:44:00.180 feel like I don't fit. I don't fit anywhere. I 0:44:00.180 --> 0:44:02.780 don't fit in the singles ministry because they're all singles 0:44:02.780 --> 0:44:05.740 without children. I don't fit with the married group because 0:44:05.739 --> 0:44:10.060 I'm not married. So yeah, it is a challenge for 0:44:10.060 --> 0:44:12.940 the individual and it's also a challenge for the church. 0:44:13.100 --> 0:44:15.180 And I would just encourage you, if there are church 0:44:15.180 --> 0:44:18.020 leaders who are listening to us today, that you explore 0:44:18.020 --> 0:44:23.900 the possibility of starting some kind of ministry to single mothers. 0:44:24.700 --> 0:44:27.460 Well, as you've listened here today, you've heard some really 0:44:27.460 --> 0:44:32.020 deep calls, some great calls, life situations. And if you 0:44:32.020 --> 0:44:34.860 want to lend your voice to the effort, call us 0:44:34.900 --> 0:44:39.830 at 866424. 24. Gary, leave a question. Leave a comment. 0:44:39.870 --> 0:44:41.629 We just love to hear your voice. You can talk 0:44:41.670 --> 0:44:46.910 about ice cream too if you'd like. 1866424. Gary, we'd 0:44:46.910 --> 0:44:48.910 love to hear from you. And don't forget to check 0:44:48.910 --> 0:44:51.629 out our featured resource, the book by Doctor Chapman A 0:44:51.630 --> 0:44:54.870 Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages how to understand 0:44:54.870 --> 0:44:58.870 yourself and improve all your relationships. You can find out 0:44:58.870 --> 0:44:59.870 more at the website. 0:44:59.870 --> 0:45:06.550 Building relationships and next week how to build spiritual habits 0:45:06.550 --> 0:45:07.430 in the home. 0:45:07.670 --> 0:45:10.750 Discover some small steps you can take in one week. 0:45:10.950 --> 0:45:13.390 Before we go, let me thank our production team, Steve 0:45:13.390 --> 0:45:17.550 Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman 0:45:17.550 --> 0:45:21.069 is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association 0:45:21.070 --> 0:45:25.510 with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks 0:45:25.510 --> 0:45:26.310 for listening.