S1: Well, what if you were beginning? Didn't start off with
S1: ooh la la falling in love.
S2: The love language that I've been giving my wife. It's
S2: not the love language that she needed.
S3: I've put up with his verbal abuse. I can't take
S3: any more.
S2: I'm trying to stay married.
S4: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S4: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today,
S4: your questions for this trusted pastor, counselor and author as
S4: we present our February edition of Dear Gary. And remember,
S4: you can get in on the conversation by calling our
S4: listener line. Leave a brief question for Gary and you
S4: might hear an answer on a future broadcast. Just call
S4: 1866424 Gary and let us know what's on your mind.
S4: 1866424 Gary 1-866-424-4279.
S5: We always have a featured resource we think will help
S5: you and your relationships. We'll talk about this next month
S5: with a brand new a book that you wrote with
S5: doctor Laurel Shaler, Gary titled Loving Adopted Children. Well, a
S5: five love Languages approach. Tell me a little bit about that.
S6: Well, you know, uh, Laura came to me about the
S6: possibility of writing a book together on how the love
S6: languages can help adoptive parents. She has two adopted children,
S6: and she teaches at the Liberty University in the counseling department.
S6: And as I listened to her background, I thought, boy,
S6: this this is a gal that I need to link
S6: up with here on this book. Uh, because, you know, many, many,
S6: many adopted parents here in this country. And some of
S6: them have been shocked at the response, you know, they've
S6: gotten and how the difficulties really sometimes in raising adopted children.
S6: So I am very excited about this book. I think
S6: it's going to help any parent who has adopted children.
S5: It's titled Loving Adopted Children. Well, a five love languages approach.
S5: Can you give me one example of an approach that
S5: that uses the love languages with an adoptive child?
S6: Well, you know, one thing, Chris, is recognizing that with
S6: adopted children, you don't have an emotional bond with that child.
S6: When they come into your family. I don't care if
S6: you adopt them as a baby. You don't have that.
S6: It has to be built over time. You know, they
S6: have an emotional attachment to the mother who's carried them
S6: in the womb for nine months. But when you have
S6: an adopted child, you don't have that bond. And then
S6: the other factor, of course, is that, you know, loving
S6: a child in those five love languages, and particularly as
S6: they get a little older, if you adopted an older child, uh,
S6: knowing what their love language is, their primary love language
S6: is going to help you begin to build that emotional
S6: bond with them. And so I think just understanding that
S6: this child, you know, has gone through it, they have
S6: a history. If they're four years old, they have a history.
S6: If they're nine years old, they have a history. And
S6: we don't know all the time what they have been through.
S6: And so learning their primary love language and speaking, it
S6: is a part of the process. But even then you
S6: have to take incremental steps. You can't just, you know,
S6: if physical touch is their language, you can't just necessarily
S6: give them a hug and they're going to accept it
S6: in the in the early stages, you have to start with,
S6: you know, fist bumps and pat on the back and
S6: work up to the hugs as they get to know you.
S6: Because just as you don't know them, they don't know you.
S6: You're new in their lives.
S5: I can't wait to talk with Doctor Shaler about that.
S5: And we'll do that here in the next couple of weeks.
S5: The title of the book is Loving Adopted Children well,
S5: A five Love Languages Approach. It's our featured resource at
S5: the website building relationships with us. All right. The first
S5: question we have for you today, Gary, is an email
S5: that I think a lot of parents are going to
S5: resonate with. I have an adult daughter who's in her
S5: early 30s. From childhood on. She went to church and
S5: knew God loved him. She now lives in a Western state.
S5: My husband and I are in the Midwest. She's dated
S5: boys but always pick the ones that needed help. She
S5: never picked anyone to challenge her or come alongside her.
S5: She is now gay and living with a girl younger
S5: than her. She swears she's not gay and she won't
S5: admit it. I'm hurting. It's been a long seven years
S5: of this and her dad and I can't get over it,
S5: and it has emotionally affected us. I can't be happy
S5: and it feels like I'm just getting through life. I'm
S5: very depressed. I feel hate toward the girl she's with.
S5: This girl has been married to a man before and
S5: then found my daughter. How do I get through and
S5: handle my daughter and the girl? I'm hurt, angry. She
S5: has rocked our world upside down and I'm ashamed. Please help.
S7: Well, Chris.
S6: I think there are many parents who can identify with
S6: this email because many times our children as adults live
S6: a lifestyle. That's not what we taught them. That's not
S6: found in the Bible. And it's very, very difficult for
S6: parents to deal with the pain and the hurt that
S6: they feel when their child is choosing a lifestyle that
S6: is something that they know is not God's will and
S6: God's plan for them. There's a couple of things I
S6: think we have to grapple with. One is that God
S6: gives us freedom. We are not robots. God did not
S6: program us, that we can only do what's right and
S6: only follow him. He gave us freedom as humans and
S6: with that freedom. Throughout history. Humans have made poor decisions
S6: and parents have suffered pain from their children who make
S6: poor decisions. So I think we have to recognize that
S6: we cannot erase the reality that our children have choice.
S6: God gave it to them. Yes, we are hurt when
S6: they're making decisions that we know are not going to
S6: be healthy for them. But I think, again, we have
S6: to do the same thing God did. We have to
S6: give them freedom to make their choices and to live
S6: with the consequences. Because for every choice, there are consequences.
S6: And so we have to give them the same freedom
S6: that God gives them. You know, it's always been interesting
S6: to me when the prodigal son in the New Testament left,
S6: his father asked for his inheritance early and then left
S6: and wasted his inheritance. That father did not go after
S6: him and try to talk him into, you know, changing
S6: his mind or being a wise steward of the money
S6: he'd received. He stayed home and kept the farm going
S6: so that when that adult son came to the end
S6: of the road that he had chosen and he ended
S6: up in the hog pen feeding pigs, he had a
S6: place to come home to. I think that's a lesson
S6: for parents, you know, when our adult child is made
S6: decisions and living a lifestyle that is painful to us,
S6: we need to keep the farm going. We need to
S6: keep working on our marriage relationship, not allow this to
S6: pull us apart. Yes, we're both hurting, but in our
S6: pain we have to recognize. Listen, this is not the
S6: end of the world for us. We have a life
S6: to live. Let's focus on growing together through this pain.
S6: So that if and when our daughter comes to the
S6: end of the road and comes back in repentance to God,
S6: we she will have a place to come home to.
S6: Let's communicate to her. We love her. We love her
S6: no matter what she does. Because God loves us no
S6: matter what we do. He always loves us, and he
S6: always stands ready to forgive us and receive us. So
S6: don't break the ties with that daughter. Let her know
S6: she's loved by you. Let her know. Yes. You don't
S6: agree with with her decisions. You don't agree. And it's
S6: it's very painful for you as a parent. But you
S6: love her no matter what. If she lives with that reality,
S6: then there's always a place to come back to when
S6: she gets to the end of the rope. So those
S6: are my thoughts, Chris. It's a hard journey. I'm not
S6: minimizing the pain in any way. It is a hard journey,
S6: but I think we have to treat those children the
S6: way God treats us as his children.
S5: There's so much in there, the ill will that she
S5: feels toward, you know, the girl's partner, the not feeling
S5: I can't live anymore. And it's like, okay, so it's
S5: almost a choice that you have to make. Even though
S5: I'm going through, you know, this valley here, I'm going
S5: to choose to live today. And I have a friend
S5: who's going through much the same, you know, something similar
S5: to this and have seen pictures of we chose to
S5: go to, you know, go out to I'd go out
S5: to dinner as a couple, uh, a husband and wife
S5: and to still celebrate birthdays rather than, uh, saying, this
S5: is way to sit down so much that we can't
S5: live anymore. It's not that you like. You say you're
S5: not pushing that away. The the hurt and the lament
S5: for a season, but you're allowing yourself to go ahead
S5: and live. And that's a choice, isn't it?
S6: Absolutely, absolutely. Chris, we don't need to let our children's
S6: decisions negatively impact our lives. We want to demonstrate with,
S6: as God's children, we can live together in our marriage,
S6: and we can enhance our marriage relationship. And we can
S6: know that God still has things for us to do,
S6: ministry for us to do. And we can invest our
S6: lives in helping people who want to be helped. So yeah,
S6: it's just it's tragic when we allow the decisions of
S6: our adult children to destroy our lives. You know, the
S6: emotional pain is there to be sure. And yet, if
S6: you need to get counseling to help you walk through
S6: the pain of that, but let's not allow their decisions
S6: to control us. We have a choice on how we're
S6: going to respond to our pain and to our hurt.
S4: Our program is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. And
S4: this is our Dear Gary broadcast for February. If you
S4: have a relationship question, call our number 1866424. Gary. This
S4: is not a counseling line. We can't call you back.
S4: But if you'll keep your question as brief as possible,
S4: we'll try to address it here on the program. Our
S4: featured resource today is a book by Doctor Chapman and
S4: Doctor Laurel Shaler. It's titled Loving Adopted Children. Well, a
S4: five love languages approach. Go to building relationships us to
S4: find out more. Again, building relationships with us.
S5: Well, you may not know this, but Doctor Chapman goes
S5: around the country presenting seminars. And here's a question that
S5: comes from one of those sessions.
S8: Hi, Gary. We were at the marriage conference on Saturday
S8: when you were talking about praying together. My husband understood
S8: what you were saying one way I understood it another way.
S8: And my understanding was hold hands. Those people start praying
S8: and whoever gets finished says Amen first. And then when
S8: the other one gets finished, they say, Amen. My husband
S8: thought that you were saying, for one of us to start.
S8: Pray say Amen. Then the other ones start praying and
S8: they say Amen. But if you could let us know.
S6: Thanks, brother. Okay, well, I was trying to do was
S6: help couples who don't pray together, learn how to get started.
S6: And what I was suggesting is that they pray silently.
S6: So you hold hands, you close your eyes, and then
S6: each of you pray silently. And then whoever finishes their
S6: prayer says Amen. But they hang on. Hold on the
S6: hand until the other person says Amen. So don't necessarily
S6: take sides in this argument. You hear over it, over
S6: this thing. But my my thought was you're praying at
S6: the same time after you close your eyes, you're both
S6: praying at the same time, but one of you will
S6: finish your prayer before the other. So you say Amen,
S6: so they know you're through. Then they can say amen
S6: when they're through. Okay, I hope that helps.
S5: I can see where the confusion would be, though, because
S5: most people think of praying as I'm going to, you know,
S5: dear God or Jesus. Here's you know, what we bring.
S5: So you do that and you do that. Or if
S5: you're praying silently, then the you're holding hands in the air.
S5: A man is the cue to the other person. I'm done.
S5: But I'm still here, right?
S6: That's right. Absolutely, absolutely. If we're praying out loud, we
S6: wouldn't both be praying at the same time. So I
S6: can understand, you know, how he how he her husband
S6: interpreted that? Yeah.
S5: Um, have you heard from couples who've said that helped
S5: change us? And we actually do pray together now?
S6: Yeah, I have, because, you know, Chris, any couple can
S6: do that. Even. I had a I had a lady
S6: one time say to me, she's after I shared that she,
S6: she came up and she said, I don't think I
S6: can do that. And I said, why? She said, well,
S6: I'm not I'm not a Christian. She said, I'm a,
S6: I'm a, I'm a Wiccan. I'm a witch, and I
S6: really don't believe in God. And so how can I
S6: pray with my husband? And I said, well, how about this?
S6: What if you hold his hand, close your eyes as
S6: a way of respecting Him and His belief in God,
S6: and let him pray. And she said, oh, well, I
S6: guess I could do that, you know? I'm just trying
S6: to help couples begin the practice of coming to God together,
S6: even if it's in silence. And I say, you know,
S6: you cannot come to God together every day, and it
S6: not begin to affect the way you treat each other. Yeah.
S6: And I said, you know, probably six months down the road,
S6: one of you might slip up and pray out loud
S6: one night, you know. And then the other thing I do,
S6: you know, I have a devotional. The one year love
S6: language minute devotional for for couples where there's a scripture verse,
S6: there's a devotional that I've written, and then there's a
S6: prayer that I've written. And I said, at some juncture
S6: you might want to begin using this devotional. And on
S6: one night the wife can read the whole thing, including
S6: the prayer. So she's praying out loud, even though she's
S6: reading a prayer that I wrote. But she's saying it
S6: out loud. The next night he would read the devotional
S6: and he would read the prayer. So now they're actually
S6: hearing themselves each other pray out loud. And I said, uh,
S6: I think you'll find that to help you develop where
S6: you get to where you can just pray out loud
S6: without prayers that I've written, you know. Oh, just trying
S6: to help people spend time coming to God together.
S5: You know, we've done this program for a long time.
S5: That's the first time I've ever heard that story about
S5: the the woman who came up to you and her religion.
S5: And it strikes me that the the Five Love languages
S5: has gotten so far into the culture that there are
S5: people with all kinds of belief systems or no belief
S5: system at all, I would say, who are being affected
S5: by this.
S6: Well, you're right, Chris, and when I wrote the Five
S6: Love Languages, I really wrote it with non-Christians in mind. Uh, because,
S6: you know, you won't find a lot of scriptures in there,
S6: even though all those love languages are in the scriptures,
S6: you know, everywhere in the scriptures. But I was trying
S6: to write it so that a person wouldn't, in the
S6: first chapter, you know, see Scripture verses and say, oh,
S6: this is a religious book. You know, just throw it aside. Because, listen,
S6: God loves even people that aren't Christians. Listen, we were
S6: all unchristian non-Christians. He loved us when we were sinners
S6: and sent Christ to die for us. So, uh, I'm
S6: just trying to help people in their marriage, wherever they are,
S6: in their journey with God.
S5: If you go to building relationships with us, you can
S5: find some great resources like that devotional that Gary just mentioned.
S5: Just go to building relationships with us. I want to
S5: set up our next caller, Gary, so that you can
S5: hear the emotion he has about his situation. He says
S5: he met a woman a few years ago who was
S5: going through a breakup, and he was there for her
S5: in that time. They fell in love, they married, they
S5: have children. And he says he is the problem in
S5: the relationship now. He well, listen to what he says next.
S9: Hello, Gary. I've been unfaithful for my wife. And. Right
S9: now it seems like it's over with. I just read
S9: five Love Languages yesterday, page the cover to cover and
S9: one day, and the love language that I've been given
S9: my life. This is not the love language that she
S9: said she needed. And now I'm giving her her acts
S9: of service. But it's too late and I would love
S9: to hear from you. And I would love to try
S9: and fix this. I'm doing everything I can, but I
S9: just feel like. Our relationships are over with. And I
S9: read the book cover to cover, and I read about
S9: the marriages of 17 years of misery. I'm only six
S9: years in, and I would love to be able to
S9: figure out how I can grow old with my with
S9: my wife and my family and and climb Mount Everest
S9: every single day and love. So I want to thank
S9: you for the book. And if I don't find the
S9: love with my wife, I hope that I can find
S9: love with whomever it may be my kids, my family,
S9: whoever it may be.
S6: Well, Chris, as you said, you can feel the pain
S6: and the hurt in his voice. Uh, I'm glad he's
S6: read the five love languages. I have had many people say,
S6: I wish I'd read that book 20 years ago. You know,
S6: it would have made a difference in my life back then. Uh,
S6: but a lot of things have happened since then like
S6: he's going through. And these situations do sometimes end in divorce.
S6: There's no question about that, because he cannot make his wife,
S6: you know, give him forgiveness and work on their marriage.
S6: He can't make her do that. Now, if they're still
S6: living together in the same house, he can speak her
S6: love language now, acts of service. But as he said,
S6: she's likely saying to herself and to him, it's too late.
S6: I mean, I appreciate the fact you're doing these things now,
S6: but it's too late. There is one other book that
S6: I would really encourage this gentleman to read, and his
S6: wife if she would. It's called One More Try what
S6: to do when your marriage is falling Apart, and it's
S6: written to people who are separated for the most part, uh,
S6: some of them are contemplating separation and divorce. Uh, but
S6: I think you'll find that book to be very helpful,
S6: because if both of you could read it, which would
S6: be ideal. But again, you can't make her read it.
S6: You know, you you can you can say, you know,
S6: would you be willing to read this book together? But
S6: you read it yourself, and I think you'll find some
S6: things that maybe you can do from your perspective. I
S6: would say you probably have already done this, but there
S6: needs to be genuine repentance. Acknowledging your failure, you know,
S6: openly and honestly, not trying to hide it. And I'm
S6: assuming you have already broken off that other relationship. I
S6: hope that's true. If not, it certainly should be true.
S6: And then acknowledged to her that you've read this book,
S6: The Five Love Languages, and you realize that you you
S6: fail to speak her language all these years, and you
S6: wish you had read that earlier, but you want her
S6: to know that you will speak her language if she's
S6: willing to give you another, another opportunity. But I think read,
S6: read that one more try book first, and also say
S6: to her, you know, I am willing to go for
S6: counseling with you if you are willing to go. And
S6: at least let's see if there's a possibility that we
S6: can rebuild our relationship. Again, you can't make her go
S6: to counseling, but you can offer and and tell her
S6: you would love to go for counseling with her. If
S6: she's unwilling, you can also say to her, well, I'm
S6: going to go for counseling myself because I need help.
S6: I need help. And maybe if she sees you actually
S6: going for counseling, she will say, oh my goodness, he
S6: is really sincere. He is really open to change. And
S6: then she may be open to go go to counseling
S6: with you. So I would say, don't give up on
S6: your side. Don't give up too quickly. I understand how
S6: she can be at the place where she thinks it's over.
S6: You know she's going to have nothing else to do
S6: with you after what you've done. And you have to
S6: give her that freedom. Don't preach to her. Don't tell
S6: her you know. Well, the Bible says you've got to
S6: forgive me, you know? No, no, don't preach to her. Uh,
S6: because she's going through a lot of pain. When a
S6: spouse is unfaithful in a marriage, it's deeply painful to
S6: the other person. So acknowledge that and allow her the
S6: freedom to to have those feelings and to work through
S6: those feelings. But just let her know that you have
S6: totally repented of that. You've totally turned away from that.
S6: And that's not what you want in life. You very
S6: much want to to work on the marriage, whatever. It
S6: has to be done, whatever has to be done. So, uh,
S6: keep praying that God will work in her heart, maybe
S6: bring someone, a friend in her life that would encourage
S6: her to get counseling. So don't give up too soon,
S6: I guess, is what I'm saying. Okay, God can work miracles.
S5: You know what I loved about his message? That he
S5: read it cover to cover? I think that shows the
S5: depth of the desire. You know, it's like, this is
S5: water for somebody who's thirsty for a little bit of hope.
S5: And you were giving that. But there's also regret in there.
S5: You know, I didn't do this and I didn't do
S5: that and why. And, and so rather than kicking yourself,
S5: you know, for that, as you've said, do the positive thing,
S5: move toward her as much as possible, but allow her
S5: to respond. And in the timing is always important to,
S5: isn't it?
S6: Yeah, absolutely. Chris, it takes time for a person to
S6: halfway work through the pain and emotions that's caused by
S6: a spouse being unfaithful and for that spouse to pressure them,
S6: you know, and kind of preach to them, uh, that
S6: doesn't help at all. It's just identifying with their pain
S6: and saying, I can see how I've broken your heart.
S6: I mean, I, I am crying because of what I've
S6: done to you. Uh, and when she sees that you
S6: are sincere and that you are willing to turn around
S6: and speak our language and, you know, open to doing
S6: whatever needs to be done so that you can have
S6: the kind of marriage you dreamed of having. And he
S6: mentions that he had children, you know, and the divorce. Yeah.
S6: Can get her out of the situation. But, boy, it
S6: creates another whole stream of problems with those children. Uh,
S6: as well as, you know. Well, anybody that's gone through
S6: a divorce will tell you, man, this was not easy.
S6: This was difficult.
S5: Well, the book that I've just mentioned or that Gary
S5: just mentioned is One More Try, and that's another resource
S5: you can find at Building relationships, not us building relationships
S5: with us. You'll see a drop down menu for some
S5: resources and you'll find it right there.
S4: This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, New York
S4: Times bestselling author of The Five Love Languages. If you
S4: enjoy our program, visit our website for more ways to
S4: strengthen your relationships. You'll find our featured resource at Building
S4: Relationships Us, the book by doctor Laurel Shaler and Doctor Chapman.
S4: Loving adopted children well, a five love languages approach again,
S4: go to building relationships with us to find out more.
S5: You can also hear a podcast of today's program and
S5: suggest it to somebody else. I think that's part of
S5: the help that this program can give you here a
S5: question that somebody else might benefit from. So tell them
S5: about that. Send into building relationships with us, and you'll
S5: be able to listen to this program absolutely free building
S5: relationships with us. Now, a caller who's trying to stay
S5: married but doesn't feel loved by his wife.
S9: Hi, Gary.
S10: I have a question and my wife puts me fourth.
S10: The son, the dog, the other dog, and then the daughter.
S10: Then I guess I'm fifth and then me. And it doesn't.
S10: It's never going to change. I'm trying to stay married.
S6: Well, obviously, this, uh, this man is struggling in a
S6: in a marriage and feels that his wife, he's he's
S6: last on the list of her priorities, and anybody can
S6: identify with that. You know, Chris, one of the things
S6: that the caller said, it's never going to change. And
S6: I just like to say that's not true. It is
S6: going to change. It's going to get better or it's
S6: going to get worse. It will not stay where it is.
S6: It will change. I understand what he was saying. You know,
S6: he's given up hope. He thinks she's never going to
S6: make him a priority. Let me share one one concept.
S6: The Bible says we love God because God first loved us,
S6: and God loved us while we were still sinners and
S6: sent Christ to die for us. The most positive influence
S6: this young man can have on his wife is to
S6: love her unconditionally in her love language. And if he
S6: hasn't read the love language five Love Languages, I would
S6: suggest that'd be the first thing for him to do.
S6: Read the five love languages. Understand the concept that your
S6: wife has a primary love language. You're married to her
S6: even though you feel hurt and left out. God can
S6: give you the ability to love her. Romans chapter five
S6: and verse five says, the love of God is poured
S6: into our hearts by the Holy Spirit. So if you're
S6: willing to say to God, Lord, you know the person
S6: I'm married to, you know how they treat me. You
S6: know that I don't feel loved, but I'm opening my
S6: heart and asking you to pour your love into me
S6: and let me be your agent for loving her. You
S6: don't have to have positive feelings toward her to love
S6: her in her love language. Your God's representative and your
S6: love may well stimulate her love. You see, we respond
S6: to God. He loved us first. The same principle is
S6: true in human relationships. You initiate loving her unconditionally in
S6: her love language no matter how she treats you. You're
S6: not very likely to see in time. Give it six
S6: months in which you're speaking her love language every week
S6: for six months, no matter how she treats you. I
S6: think you'll see something begin to happen inside of her
S6: when she sees you loving her in a way that's
S6: meaningful to her. She may well begin to respond to
S6: you in a different way. Don't give up. You cannot
S6: make your spouse change. That's true. But you can influence her.
S6: And the most positive influence is for you to love
S6: her unconditionally in her love language over a period of time.
S6: And just see what happens.
S5: Let me piggyback onto that with a call from our
S5: next listener, who has taken a really hard look at
S5: her relationship, her past, how her marriage got started. How's
S5: Gary going to handle this situation? Here we go.
S11: Hi Gary. I have a question about relationships, reading your
S11: five love languages, and some other things most people counselors
S11: talk about. Remember in the beginning? Well, what if you're beginning?
S11: Didn't start off with ooh la la falling in love?
S11: What if it was more somebody was depressed and somebody
S11: else had urges? Where do you go from there? Thanks
S11: a lot. Have a great day. Bye bye.
S6: Well, you know, we do typically think in our culture
S6: that you fall in love and that falling in love
S6: is the foundation for marriage. Well, the reality is, what
S6: we call falling in love has an average lifespan of
S6: two years and we come down off that high. If
S6: you had a bad start, that is, you didn't fall
S6: in love. Somebody was depressed and somebody reached out, you know,
S6: and began to a relationship on something other than what
S6: we call falling in love. Because the falling in love
S6: experience is temporary. It's not the foundation for marriage. So
S6: whatever motivated you to get married? What you need now
S6: is to understand how to build a marriage with the
S6: person you're married to, and the love language book can
S6: help you do that. Because, you see, this kind of
S6: love starts with an attitude. And the attitude is this
S6: I'm married to you and I choose. To have an
S6: attitude of love, which means I want to do whatever
S6: I can to enrich your life. I want to help
S6: you become the person you believe God wants you to be.
S6: And with the help of God, you can speak the
S6: other person's love language, which is going to touch them emotionally.
S6: And if they in turn speak your love language, it's
S6: going to touch you emotionally. So yes, emotions come back.
S6: We are emotional creatures, and one of our deepest emotional
S6: needs as humans is the need to feel loved by
S6: the significant people in your life. And if you're married,
S6: the person you would most like to love you is
S6: your spouse. But the way we create those emotions is
S6: not waiting for them to happen. Say people just say, well,
S6: I just don't have love feelings anymore. You don't wait
S6: for those feelings to come back. No. You choose an
S6: attitude of love, and then you learn how to express
S6: love in a meaningful way to your spouse. That's the
S6: whole story of the five love language book. You learn
S6: their love language and you choose to speak their love language.
S6: Even if you don't feel loved yourself and you're meeting
S6: one of their deep emotional needs, and then they begin
S6: to reciprocate, they begin to meet your need. So yeah,
S6: we all want to feel love. We all need to
S6: feel love. But the foundation of falling in love is
S6: not the foundation for building it, because it's temporary. It's
S6: going to. Everybody comes down off the high. So whatever
S6: led you to get married? You can have a good
S6: marriage if you ask God to give you an attitude
S6: of love, which is the attitude that Christ said, you know,
S6: and we're called to have the attitude of Christ toward
S6: our spouse, that that can save a marriage.
S5: Maybe a good first step would just be to go
S5: to the website. It's absolutely free to take the assessment.
S5: A building relationship for us. You can pull down the
S5: assessment for five Love languages and you can answer in
S5: his stead. You know, you can answer your husband's dead
S5: and find out what his is. Or ask some really
S5: good questions that Gary leads you through so that you
S5: can see, oh, this is how I express love or
S5: feel love, and this is how my spouse does. And
S5: that might be a good first step to you. So
S5: go to building relationships with us. But wait, there's more Gary,
S5: because our next caller wants to reconcile, but he's in
S5: a legal bind. Here's our next caller.
S12: Hey, uh, my question is, I'm six months into filing
S12: a divorce because my spouse refused to work together to
S12: communicate his marital relations, to reconcile, to see a marriage therapist,
S12: a counselor, a pastor. There's still a part of me
S12: that wants to, um, somehow reconcile. And I tried to
S12: extend myself to her, but, you know, she even put
S12: a cease and desist order and an order of protection.
S12: Where I guess I'm going to be arrested if I
S12: communicate to her. So my question is, I've always tried
S12: to do a Christian perspective with my situation, and I
S12: still want there to be reconciliation, but I'm still trying
S12: to be assertive in protecting, you know, my, uh, life
S12: safety and welfare because she did, um, demonstrate deprivation, uh, exclusivity.
S12: I do think she, you know, just tried to hurt
S12: me internally and everything. So, um. Yeah, it's a bizarre situation. Um,
S12: but I'd still like to have hope in God doing a.
S5: Okay. Right there is where his call cut off Gary.
S5: But I think you have the gist of what he
S5: was asking.
S6: Yeah, it sounds like that his wife is insisting on divorce,
S6: and it's been a six month process, and that she
S6: now has taken legal steps, that he cannot contact her.
S6: And I think he has to abide by those, you know,
S6: he can't violate that or he he will be arrested.
S6: I think the starting place is for him to pray
S6: that God will work in her heart, bring people into
S6: her life who may help her have a different perspective.
S6: And God certainly has a way of doing that. God
S6: will not make his wife do anything. But God does
S6: have a way of influencing and bringing people into our
S6: lives that can influence them. I think the other thing
S6: is for him not to have the same attitude she
S6: has at this point. That is him. Not to think
S6: in terms of what can I do to make her suffer.
S6: And I don't think he has that attitude. I didn't
S6: gather that. But taking revenge on her and and putting
S6: her down is not anything that's going to be helpful.
S6: I think she knows that he wants to work on
S6: the marriage. It appears like that. She knows that, but
S6: she's not willing to work on it. Now, there are
S6: reasons why. And of course, I have no idea what
S6: the background of this situation is. And she probably has
S6: a lot of reasons why she is where she is
S6: in terms of his behavior. Uh, so at any rate,
S6: he's limited in terms of what he can do in
S6: having physical contact with her and talking with her, but
S6: he's not limited in talking to God. And I would say,
S6: use this time to build your own relationship with God.
S6: Begin to develop a deeper relationship with God. Spend time
S6: reading Christian books, spend time reading the Bible every single
S6: day and asking God to show you what can make
S6: you a person that would be following his plan. So
S6: you know life's deepest meaning is found in a relationship
S6: with God, not in a relationship with a wife or
S6: with children. Those are important. But but first of all,
S6: it starts with a relationship with God. So I would
S6: say use the pain and hurt that you're feeling and
S6: the frustration that you're feeling. Use that to push you
S6: to spend more time with God and maybe get counseling yourself,
S6: you know, just to help you grow in your relationship
S6: with God and process your own emotions because, uh, you know,
S6: sitting down with the counselor and sharing your story and,
S6: and getting some ideas in terms of how you can
S6: cope with your own feelings and your own frustrations will
S6: be helpful for you.
S4: This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S4: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. You
S4: can find out more about that at our website. Building
S4: Relationships Us, as well as our featured resource, the book
S4: Loving Adopted Children. Well, just go to building relationships with us.
S5: And remember, if you hear something on the program that
S5: you want to respond to an answer Doctor Chapman gives
S5: that you think was great or not so great, just
S5: call us 1866424 Gary 866424 Gary. She's doing all she
S5: can for nearly 40 years. Is there hope? Here's our
S5: next caller.
S13: Hi, Gary. I don't know if you can help me.
S13: Or I should say, us. We've been together for 39 years.
S13: I'm married to a narcissist. I'm doing everything I can
S13: to try to save this marriage, but I'm not sure
S13: I can save it. He's been dishonest with me from
S13: day one, and I have very serious trust issues. It's
S13: still all about him. He doesn't understand that. I don't
S13: know if you can help us, but I sure would
S13: appreciate if you could give us any advice or where
S13: to go for counseling. We live in Colorado, but I'm
S13: hanging on by a thread and actually, we've been separated
S13: for three months right now. He was so verbally abusive
S13: that I finally left. And, um, I've put up with
S13: his verbal abuse for 39 years and I can't take anymore.
S13: So I don't know. Maybe you can give us some advice.
S13: I hope you have a great weekend and thanks so much. Bye.
S6: Well, Chris, I think, uh, you know, our listeners, many
S6: of them can identify with what this lady is saying
S6: because they've lived in similar situations. Yes. I think counseling
S6: would be almost a necessity if there's going to be
S6: any hope in this situation. But I would not wait
S6: for him to join you in counseling. I would go
S6: for counseling. You're just you if he's not willing to go,
S6: which apparently he's not willing to go because you need
S6: you need a counselor to help you work through all
S6: the pain struggles you've had for these last 39 years
S6: and process those things. If he sees you going for counseling,
S6: it may at some juncture stimulate him to say, okay,
S6: I'm willing. I'm willing to go, and I've got to
S6: work on myself. You say you can't work on him,
S6: but you can work on you in terms of finding
S6: a counselor if you're in Colorado. I would suggest you
S6: call focus on the family. You may be familiar with that.
S6: It's a Christian radio program that's been on for years.
S6: They have counselors who will talk to you on the phone.
S6: They will not do long term counseling with you, but
S6: they will hear your story, and they will give you
S6: the name and contact information of counselors in your area
S6: of Colorado. They are located in Colorado Springs. I would say,
S6: you know, go online, focus on the family and and
S6: get their phone number and call them. Tell them your situation.
S6: Tell them you'd like to talk with a counselor, and
S6: then let that counselor begin to give you wisdom, or
S6: where you can find a counselor in your area. So
S6: it's not going to go away with the passing of time.
S6: 39 years is a long time. And if you've lived
S6: with this pattern all these years, it's not going away
S6: on its own. It will only change if he ultimately
S6: is willing to get help, but that may well start
S6: with you getting help. I know in your mind he's
S6: the total problem and he's the one that needs to
S6: be going. But you can set an example by going yourself,
S6: and you need help to process the pain and hurt
S6: that you're feeling after all these years.
S5: Well, I mentioned that phone number just a minute ago
S5: that you can call and leave a message or a response.
S5: 1866424 Gary, here's someone who called recently about a program
S5: that we aired a previous Dear Gary broadcast.
S14: I was listening to your program today and just had
S14: two comments about difficulties with marriage partners. If pornography is involved,
S14: perhaps the spouse who's not interested in intimacy and marriage
S14: and is involved in pornography, maybe he's getting relief in
S14: ways that he doesn't need a partner. And secondly, um,
S14: Chris made a comment about, um, abusive marriages. I would
S14: like to make the point that someone who's abusive after
S14: the marriage ceremony, sometimes it doesn't show before the marriage
S14: ceremony because they are displaying their most loving persona before
S14: the marriage. They have almost two personality years, one before
S14: the marriage and one after the marriage. They're very good at, um,
S14: displaying what they think you want from a marriage partner
S14: before the marriage. Thank you for listening to my comments.
S6: Well, Chris, this caller is talking about two different things.
S6: One is, uh, spouse who is on pornography and the
S6: other is a spouse that is abusive, physically abusive, or
S6: maybe verbally abusive. Both of those are serious issues in
S6: a marriage. I would say on the pornography thing, a
S6: spouse who is not showing interest in the sexual part
S6: of the marriage with his partner, but is hooked on pornography. Yes,
S6: he's living in an unreal world. He's meeting a physical
S6: need that he has, but he's doing it in an
S6: unreal world, and that is never healthy and it's always
S6: detrimental to a marriage. So. So until he is willing
S6: to deal with that issue, the marriage is not going
S6: to get any better. You know, he's not going to
S6: turn to his wife for sexual fulfillment when he's satisfying
S6: himself in an unreal world. I think in both of
S6: these cases, whether it's pornography or whether it's abuse, physical
S6: or emotional abuse, the first step for the partner would
S6: be to get counseling themselves, because they need to learn
S6: how to show tough love. That is, how to ultimately
S6: say to that person with some confidence, but but they
S6: should be done. I think after talking with a counselor,
S6: because you need you're going to need help to walk
S6: this journey. But you're essentially saying to them, I love
S6: you too much to stay here and do nothing and
S6: let you abuse me the way you're abusing me. You
S6: cannot be ultimately satisfied by abusing me this way. And
S6: so I'm not abandoning you, but I am going to
S6: move out, and I'm going to move in with my
S6: mother or whatever plan you have. I'm willing to go
S6: for counseling any time you want to go. But I
S6: love you too much to sit here and do nothing.
S6: It's that kind of tough love that is far more
S6: likely to stimulate someone who is being abusive, or someone
S6: who is on porn to reach out and say, okay, okay,
S6: I've got to deal with this and I'll go with
S6: you for counseling. Now, tough love is always more effective
S6: when it's preceded by a period of tender love. Here's
S6: what I mean. If you know your spouse's love language
S6: in either of these situations, and you're speaking it and
S6: you have spoken it for a period of time, you're
S6: doing the most positive thing you can do to influence them.
S6: Then if you give tough love, they've got something to
S6: lose because you've been loving them. And they don't deserve
S6: to be loved. You've been loving them like God loves us.
S6: And then you say to them, you know, I'm moving
S6: out because I love you too much to stay here
S6: and do nothing. They're far more motivated now because they're
S6: about to lose someone who's been loving them, where they
S6: don't deserve to be loved. So that's the that's the
S6: most positive approach that I can suggest.
S5: Well, before we conclude today, I want to give you
S5: that number again, where you can call even right now
S5: and leave a message or question for Doctor Chapman. 186642
S5: for Gary again. (866) 424-4279. We'd love to hear from you,
S5: and don't forget to check out our featured resource, the
S5: book by Doctor Chapman and Doctor Laurel Shaler. Loving adopted children? Well,
S5: just go to building relationships with us.
S6: And next week, don't miss Ed and Lisa Young story
S6: of loss and the hope they have in the midst of.
S4: Their pain. It'll be an encouraging conversation in one week.
S4: A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick
S4: and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is
S4: a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with
S4: Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.