S1: If you're feeling the negative effects of stress, don't miss
S1: today's Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S2: There is hope. There are practical things you can do
S2: to dial down the intensity and the pain of that
S2: stressful response. Hope is a very powerful biblical principle as well.
S2: And it's not just a platitude. It's true because God's
S2: Word is true.
S1: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S1: the New York Times best seller The Five Love Languages. Well,
S1: we live in a stressed out world. Adults, teens and
S1: children are experiencing heightened stress levels so much that many
S1: say they simply can't function. What can we do about
S1: this problem?
S3: Doctor Charles Stone is going to answer that question today.
S3: He's going to tell us more about stress, what it
S3: does to our bodies, our brains and our souls. Really.
S3: He's written the book Stress Less nine habits from the
S3: Bible and Brain Science to build resilience and reduce anxiety.
S3: You can find out more at Building Relationships. And Gary,
S3: you have a busy schedule. I hear about all your travels,
S3: about the different continents you're speaking on, all the people
S3: that you're speaking to and the deadlines that you have.
S3: But you are one of the least stressed people I
S3: think I've ever known in my life. What is your secret?
S4: I don't know if I have a secret, Chris. You
S4: know one thing though. My wife has always said to me,
S4: wherever you are, be all there.
S3: Mhm.
S4: Well, that's helped me, you know that. Don't be thinking
S4: about other stuff that's on the docket. You know, wherever
S4: you are, be all there. I think that has helped,
S4: you know, uh, and I don't know, maybe I just
S4: grew up in the South, you know, where you just
S4: relax and take things as they come. But I'm excited
S4: about our program today. I think we're going to learn
S4: some things that are going to be very helpful to
S4: our listeners.
S3: I wonder if what you're saying there's a spiritual component
S3: of that, because that's what you just described, is how
S3: I picture Jesus as well, with the woman at the well,
S3: with the rich young ruler, with Nicodemus. You know, all
S3: this is like he was all there, right? In those conversations.
S3: So let's meet our guest today. Doctor Charles Stone, he
S3: has served for 43 years in vocational ministry, 30 of
S3: those senior pastor. He recently completed a nine year role
S3: as lead pastor of West Park Church in London, Ontario
S3: in Canada. Multicultural congregation with more than a thousand attendees.
S3: He's written eight books and now serves as a coaching
S3: consultant to pastors and leaders. He and his wife, Cheryl,
S3: have been married for 45 years. They have three adult
S3: children and five grandchildren. And our featured resource today is
S3: that book Stress Less. You can find out more at
S3: Building Relationships.
S4: Well, doctor Stone, welcome to building Relationships.
S2: Doctor Chapman, it's great to be with you.
S4: What inspired you to write a book about stress?
S2: Well, to put it simply, a lot of stress in
S2: a short period of time. And going back to Covid,
S2: my wife and I were actually before it really hit,
S2: we were only one of these fancy vacations where you can,
S2: you know, buffets everywhere. I love buffets, so enjoying that.
S2: But the problem with this place we stayed was it
S2: had Wi-Fi everywhere. And I'm kind of a news junkie.
S2: I was following this thing called Covid and I was
S2: telling my wife, I said, you know, Sheryl, they're going
S2: to shut us down. Well, we finished our vacation, flew
S2: back to Pearson Airport in Toronto, and the terminal we
S2: flew into, you had to take a bus to go
S2: from one place to the other. Well, that bus that
S2: took us to the next terminal, everybody was really quiet
S2: except to her. This repeated Phrase toilet paper. I'm thinking,
S2: what in the world is the toilet paper about? Then
S2: I realized that there was this toilet paper shortage because
S2: of Covid. And in Canada, as a pastor, we were
S2: shut down in a draconian fashion. I mean, several months
S2: at a time. So about 2 or 3 days in,
S2: when I realized I was going to have to lead
S2: a church of a thousand to a little tiny camera
S2: on my computer, and I said, Lord, I did not
S2: sign up for this. During that same time frame, I
S2: was diagnosed with an AFib. Never had an issue. I
S2: eat my broccoli, I exercised, I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic.
S2: Like what? And I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Had
S2: surgery doing fine. And to top it off, the irony
S2: is that I was writing a doctoral thesis on stress.
S2: So I thought, let's just turn this into a book.
S2: So that's that's the genesis there.
S4: Okay. I'm getting stressful just listening to you. I mean, uh,
S4: I can understand that. We all have times not like that. But,
S4: you know, we all have times of stress. Um, stress.
S4: Always a bad force in our lives.
S2: Yeah, well, it kind of depends on your definitions. I'm
S2: kind of separating the definition in two ways. One is
S2: a stressful situation, and we all have stressful situations. And
S2: the other side of that is the stress response in
S2: our body. How we respond to that stressful situation and
S2: the way God wired us. He wired us with this
S2: stress response to make us alert in times of danger,
S2: to keep us from walking into danger or unsafe places.
S2: So stress itself. The stress response itself is not a
S2: it's not a bad force, but it's important that we
S2: don't let it control even though we're in uncertain circumstances,
S2: because when it controls us and we stay chronically high
S2: in that stress response, that's when it really messes with
S2: us our bodies, our brains, our relationships, even our walk
S2: with God.
S4: Yeah, yeah, I can see that. Now, I've heard people
S4: talk about acute stress and chronic stress. Is there a
S4: difference between those two?
S2: Yeah, there really is. Um, acute stress would be, uh,
S2: let's say this morning when I was preparing, getting all
S2: my equipment together, uh, I was feeling a little bit
S2: of stress, which was good. It made me focus. Some
S2: of these, uh, brain chemicals were flowing a little better.
S2: So I was making sure, like, okay, is this cord
S2: plugged in the right way? Is the volume right? So
S2: that's acute stress that rises, but then it falls. You know,
S2: after an hour it will fall back down. And we
S2: all need that because acute stress helps us, you know,
S2: meet deadlines where you're writing a book like you've written
S2: so many you probably feel a little bit stressed going
S2: into a deadline, whether it's showing up, a pastor, you know,
S2: preaching a sermon. So acute stress is part of a
S2: healthy response to stress. Chronic stress though chronic stress will
S2: be defined as when we stay elevated, that stress is
S2: elevated our response for more than a few days. And
S2: as that continues longer it goes. That's when uh, cortisol,
S2: which is called the stress hormones, it's a good hormone.
S2: But when it stays at those high levels for a long,
S2: a long time, that's what's called chronic stress. And that's
S2: when it affects our heart and our brain and our
S2: blood sugar and all those kinds of things. So there's
S2: that there's that key difference. And some people call acute
S2: stress you stress you good stress. So so yeah, stress
S2: can be good for us long term. That's when it's
S2: not good for us okay.
S4: I think you have the interest of our listeners at
S4: this point this summer identifying as mine chronic. Uh, okay.
S4: So give us an overview of the human body and
S4: how stress affects us during, uh, a day when we're
S4: having chronic stress.
S2: Yeah. Well, first of all, as I've kind of delved
S2: into this whole neuroscience of stress and sleep and those
S2: kind of things, I'm amazed more and more about the
S2: creativity of God. How he creatively designed all these systems
S2: that work so amazingly together. And so when you think
S2: about stress, think about our nervous system. You know, in
S2: biology class, we learn about the nervous system. And really
S2: the nervous system is everything our brain or spinal cord
S2: and all the rest. The central nervous systems, our brain
S2: and spinal cord and the peripheral nervous system is, you know,
S2: pretty much pretty much everything else on an any given day,
S2: that stress response, it kicks in whether we're in a
S2: perceived or real threat. It helps us make wise decisions
S2: so that we don't continue to walk into, like, unsafe
S2: places or make poor decisions. But the key thing to
S2: remember is that it doesn't matter if it's a real
S2: threat and that nervous system kicks in, or if it
S2: is a perceived threat. Let's say, for example, you're you're camping,
S2: you know, tent camping. When I was a kid, we
S2: used to do a little bit of tent camping. I
S2: was a Boy Scout. And in those days and, um,
S2: let's say you hear this scratching on your tent and
S2: your mind goes like, oh, no, this is a grizzly bear.
S2: I'm going to die. Well, you don't die that night.
S2: Poke your head out the tent and you realize, oh,
S2: I left a bag of Cheetos out and that was
S2: just a raccoon. That stress response kicked in. Even though
S2: your perception of that situation was dead wrong wasn't a bear.
S2: It was a, you know, just a raccoon. So this
S2: this happens all during the day, but it's key for
S2: us to begin to learn some biblically based, science supported
S2: practices that help us quickly respond to a stressful situation,
S2: to kind of come back to baseline, to know what
S2: would be wise choices in these situations, rather than allowing
S2: these perceived threats to become actually become real, and to
S2: engage that nervous system for long periods of time. So
S2: real or perceived threats does the same thing to a
S2: nervous system.
S4: Doug Stone. So here's someone who's who's feeling overwhelmed, but
S4: they don't fully understand what's happening. How would you just
S4: talk to that person in in terms that they wouldn't understand?
S2: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'd say probably the first thing is
S2: that hey, listen, everybody experiences what you're experiencing at some degree.
S2: This is the way God wired us and simply understanding
S2: and making that kind of a statement actually can calm
S2: the stress response. So I would say, hey, listen, this
S2: is the way God wired us now with that recognition,
S2: recognizing that I have this nervous system, I have this
S2: stress response, and I'm feeling it right now. What might
S2: be a next step for you to take so that
S2: the intensity of that stress response dials down? And that's
S2: basically what I did in the book, is I took
S2: biblical truth and I took neuroscience, pulled them two together
S2: to come up with these nine simple practices that we
S2: can do to help, whether a person is mildly stressed
S2: or a person who just feels overwhelmed. And, you know,
S2: when we feel overwhelmed, we need hope. And that's what
S2: I'd say to your listener that's overwhelmed right now. There
S2: is hope. There are practical things you can do to
S2: dial down the intensity and the pain of that stressful response. So,
S2: you know, hope is a very powerful biblical principle as well.
S2: And it's not just a platitude. It's true because God's
S2: Word is true.
S4: Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm looking forward to listening and talking
S4: about those nine things. So. Before we do that, what
S4: is technology doing to our stress and anxiety levels today?
S2: That's a great question. Well my undergrad degree is engineering,
S2: so I love gadgets. I love tech gadgets. I've got
S2: all kinds of gadgets, you know, monitor sleep and all that.
S2: My wife said, Charles, no more gadgets. But actually I've
S2: got a couple in mind. I'm going to see if
S2: they may be good Christmas presents. So technology is a
S2: blessing from God. However, it can also really negatively affect
S2: our lives. And what we're really seeing now and the
S2: research I've done is profoundly affecting kids because always on
S2: always like in social media with the comparison that they experience, like,
S2: oh man, this person's having a better time than I am.
S2: She looks prettier than, uh, than I do. Some schools
S2: are catching on, and they're realizing how detrimental having that
S2: cell phone smartphone in the classroom can be. And some
S2: school systems are saying you can't bring them to school,
S2: which is a great, great thing to do. There's another
S2: little term that kind of I think supports this idea.
S2: It's called FOMO. FOMO Fear of Missing Out. That technology
S2: has put literally everything at our fingertips. We don't. We
S2: don't have to wait. We don't have to experience boredom,
S2: which can be pretty good when we're bored. It just
S2: helps us be okay where we are. But technology left
S2: to run on its own can be very damaging, especially
S2: to young adolescents and adults as well, but especially to
S2: young adolescents. And and the research is telling us anxiety
S2: rises the more we're engaged with things like social media.
S2: Not to dismiss it at all. I use it, you know,
S2: we all use it. We're using it right now. But
S2: misuse can really affect us in a negative way.
S4: Yeah. Boy, I like that fear of missing out.
S2: Yeah.
S4: That that really drives you, doesn't it? When you just.
S4: You feel like you want to know everything. You want
S4: to know it as quickly as you can and. Oh yeah. Well, well,
S4: you've partially, I think, answered this question, but let me
S4: ask this. Uh, what are some misconceptions that people often
S4: have with stress?
S2: Yeah, I can think of 2 or 3. One of
S2: them is, well, I'm experiencing stress, so I must be
S2: less of a Christian. I would say no, this is
S2: the way God designed us. We need to respond to it,
S2: perhaps differently, but you're not less of a Christian. Secondly,
S2: we already answered this one. It's not always bad. It's
S2: God's design. A third one it's important to realize, I
S2: think people kind of intuitively understand if I'm stressful, it
S2: affects my mental health. It affects more than our mental health.
S2: It affects our physical health, our sleep. I mentioned earlier
S2: our blood sugar, our heart, you name it, affects almost
S2: every part of our body. If it's a chronic stress,
S2: if we're chronically stressed over a long period of time.
S2: And then one more misconception is this just push through it. Uh,
S2: sometimes we have to just keep going. So I'm not
S2: saying that, but to just push through without stepping back
S2: and trying to understand what's going on, taking some practical
S2: steps to deal with what it's doing to my body
S2: and brain. That's that's a big misconception.
S4: Um, now, I, I'm not sure whether the word stress
S4: is used in the Bible, so you might help me
S4: out on that. Yeah. Uh, how how does the Bible
S4: address this whole issue?
S2: Well, uh, most of the more literal translations, you won't
S2: find the word stress in in the scriptures, however, like
S2: the NLT and the message, they they're a couple of translations, uh,
S2: word translated to stress. And one of them is Psalm
S2: 119 103 in the then NLT it says, that's pressure
S2: and stress. Bear down on me. I find joy in
S2: your commands. So I think that's a really good translation there.
S2: All of the word is not there. The similar concepts
S2: are like tribulation and persecution and burden and testing and temptation.
S2: All those cause stress and even faith development. Romans five
S2: three says, we also rejoice in our suffering because suffering
S2: produces perseverance. Perseverance. Character and character. Hope. So this whole
S2: thing of stress, the word is not there, but there
S2: are a lot of similar concepts that speak to the
S2: effects of tribulation or persecution or temptation.
S4: Yeah. Yeah, I can just. Things are jumping in my
S4: mind of biblical characters who who underwent what I would
S4: call a lot of stress. Almost all.
S2: Of.
S4: Them. Yeah, yeah. You mentioned earlier that there's nine things
S4: that you've discovered here. So let's, let's kind of move
S4: to to those to those things you outlined practices, you know,
S4: for responding. So let's look at look at look at
S4: the first one which is which here I think it
S4: says cease and breathe.
S2: Yes. Yes. Well basically that concept, you see the breath
S2: in Scripture in the Old Testament, God breathed into Adam,
S2: he became a living being. And the Gospels and acts
S2: Jesus breathed on the early church, the early, the Holy
S2: Spirit came so we can see breath throughout Scripture. And
S2: this simply means that when we face a stressful situation,
S2: just basically stop. If you have to pull off the
S2: side of the road, or pull away from a meeting,
S2: or pull away from an argument with your spouse or
S2: your kid, just stop and do a few deep breaths.
S2: Science tells us that there's something called the vagus nerve
S2: or vagal nerve. It's one of the nerves that comes
S2: out of our bottom of our skull. And it's from
S2: the word vagrant. If you think of vagrant, what do
S2: they do? A vagrant kind of wanders around. Does the
S2: vagus nerve wanders around our hollow organs, our heart, our lungs,
S2: our stomach. So there's these signals going up and down
S2: like the butterflies in our stomach. That vagus nerve is
S2: doing something deep breathing, especially if you kind of extend
S2: the outbreath, you know? In-breath. Breathe in outbreath. Breathe out.
S2: Extend that a little bit. It actually dials down the
S2: stress response. It slightly slows our heart rate. So seasoned
S2: breathing is simply that just stop and do a few
S2: deep breaths. You know when you watch the Olympics and
S2: these platform divers, they do that. They'll walk out there
S2: at the end of the platform. They don't just jump and,
S2: you know, dive in just like that. They'll pause and
S2: you see them doing this deep breathing. They understand what's
S2: going on there and they're dialing down that stress response.
S2: So that's that's really the concept of season.
S4: Breathe okay Chris Us. Maybe you and I can both
S4: take a deep breath right now. How about.
S3: It? Yes, I know I like that. You know what
S3: I do, Gary? On my radio program, I have this
S3: thing called the Friday Sigh. And I do it as
S3: kind of this fun little thing, but it's exactly. It's
S3: taking four seconds of air through your nose, hold it
S3: for a seconds and then release the air through your mouth.
S3: And I talk about the vagus nerve and some of
S3: the things that I've learned, you know, push on the
S3: left side of your ribcage because there's carbon dioxide in
S3: your left lung. Somebody told me that I don't know
S3: if it's true or not, but but this, you know,
S3: it just shows us how interconnected everything is. The body
S3: is a wonderful machine that God has created, uh, to,
S3: to for it to repair itself and work itself. And
S3: if we will do these kinds of things like breathing well,
S3: breathing deeply, it's going to help.
S2: Yes, absolutely.
S4: All right. Practice number two, reveal how you feel.
S2: Well, this one has to do with emotions. God gave
S2: us the ability to feel if we didn't have, you know,
S2: if we didn't experience joy or sorrow or excitement or
S2: even fear. Life would be very, very dull. So he
S2: made us to be able to feel these emotions. Reveal
S2: how you feel is simply this. When you're in a
S2: stressful situation and you're experiencing some of these negative emotions,
S2: acknowledge them. Don't stuff them. Don't ignore them, acknowledge them.
S2: And one of the ways it actually helps us dial
S2: down that stress response is take a second person perspective.
S2: Let's say, uh, I'm at work and my boss really
S2: made me mad. So in my mind, I'm going, I'm really,
S2: really angry at my boss. First person the way to
S2: dial that down is, is like, talk to yourself. And
S2: it seems kind of weird, but it's not weird. Okay, Charles.
S2: I said I'm angry. Instead of saying I'm angry, I'm
S2: talking to Charles across the table. Okay? Charles, I, I
S2: see that you're angry. Okay, let's let's kind of manage this.
S2: What does God's Word say about it? What's the next step?
S2: That simple slight separation. You're still you. You're still experiencing it.
S2: But having that second person talking to yourself actually dials
S2: it down. So you're acknowledging that feeling, that emotion, and
S2: you're creating a little bit of separation from it, from you.
S2: And it really does work. It really does. I find
S2: myself sometimes talking to myself. All right, Charles, you're going
S2: to make it. It's going to work. It's going to work.
S2: And I did that before I realized there's a science
S2: behind it, so.
S3: Wow. Well, isn't that what happens a lot of times
S3: with couples? And, uh, the one person will say to
S3: the other, you know, why are you so angry? I'm
S3: not angry. And it's like, no, you really are. And
S3: you don't see it because we we like we don't
S3: want to be angry. We want to push it down.
S3: And that just makes it worse, doesn't it?
S2: Absolutely. It sure does. It just amps up that stress response.
S2: Amps up that emotion, amps up some of those brain chemicals.
S2: That just makes it more intense.
S4: So I'm angry with my wife, and maybe I'll just say, honey,
S4: excuse me, I've got to go talk to myself.
S5: Will you been married long enough? She'd probably say okay.
S4: Okay. Oh, I like that. You know, you're just. You're
S4: just telling yourself what's going on right now. What's your
S4: feeling right now? Yeah, yeah. All right. The third practice
S4: is broaden and build.
S2: Broaden and build is simply this. As we experience positive emotions,
S2: let's say joy in Scripture tells us, you know, God
S2: gave us he wants to experience joy as we experience
S2: more and more of these. It's actually like an upward cycle.
S2: We can experience even more and more of these positive emotions.
S2: And when we do that, something happens called cognitive flexibility.
S2: In other words, we're able to see solutions to our
S2: stressful situations. But when that doesn't happen, it's like having
S2: blinders on and we don't see these resources we may
S2: have or these people that may be able to to,
S2: you know, help us work through this situation. And one
S2: of the ways to do that is what I call
S2: putting pleasure coins in your pleasure, piggy bank. Asking a person, okay,
S2: what is pleasurable to you? Is it like a cup
S2: of coffee in the morning? Is it walking in the backyard,
S2: looking in your garden? Is it. Is it gardening a
S2: little bit? Is it? Is it walking in the park?
S2: Is it listening to praise music? Find those things that
S2: are pleasurable to you and every day make a few
S2: of those deposits in your pleasure piggy bank. As you
S2: do that, it creates this upward spiral where we can
S2: experience more of these pleasurable emotions. Now, this is not hedonism, okay?
S2: That's not what I'm saying. But God wants us to
S2: be able to experience some of these positive experiences and emotions.
S2: And when we do, we're much wiser in being able
S2: to solve the problems that were that we're facing. So
S2: that's just really a very, very helpful one. Just find
S2: those things small or large every day. Drop those coins
S2: in your pleasure piggy bank.
S4: Yeah, I like that. And all of us do have
S4: certain things in life that that do bring us pleasure,
S4: you know, just kind of relaxing. Yeah. Coffee would not
S4: be mine, but coffee is one for a lot of people.
S5: My wife, she loves her coffee.
S4: Yeah, my wife loves her tea. I don't drink coffee
S4: or tea, but those are not my pleasures.
S3: Okay, so what about you, Gary? I want to know
S3: because my. My guess is it's something like going outside
S3: and taking a walk that gives you pleasure. What would
S3: you say is one of your pleasure coins?
S4: Yeah, I definitely would say looking. Looking at nature around me,
S4: whether I'm walking or just, you know, standing on the
S4: porch looking out and observing nature, you know, because I'm
S4: recognizing the God. This is absolutely incredible. Especially right now
S4: in North Carolina. It's spring. Everything's blooming. You know, it'll
S4: come to Canada, it'll come to Canada. All right, number four,
S4: audit your thoughts.
S2: Audit your thoughts. Uh, relates to a fancy term, but
S2: an important term to understand. It's called metacognition. Metacognition. It's
S2: simply this thinking about your thinking. Oftentimes, we're not aware
S2: of what we're thinking if we're in a stressful situation.
S2: What started out as the size of a, you know,
S2: a kernel of rice ends up being the size of
S2: a basketball. So the original issue is lost in the narration.
S2: We're telling ourselves, audit your thoughts is simply this who
S2: is giving you those thoughts is the enemy or is
S2: it the Lord? So that means stepping back. Think about
S2: what you're thinking about and change those channels if you
S2: need to. The Apostle Paul said in Philippians four eight, finally, brothers,
S2: whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, if anything
S2: is excellent or praiseworthy, what does he say? Think about
S2: those things. So that's it. Audit your thoughts. Make sure
S2: they're in line with what reality is, and in line
S2: with what the kinds of things God wants us to
S2: think about.
S4: Hmm. I like that asking, are these thoughts from the enemy? Yeah.
S4: Or are they from God? Yeah, because we know the
S4: enemy puts thoughts in our heads to be sure. Right.
S5: Mhm.
S2: Mhm.
S1: This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S1: If you go to five Love languages.com you can take
S1: a free assessment of your love language and see our
S1: featured resource. The book by Doctor Charles Stone. Stress less.
S1: Just go to five Love languages.com.
S4: Well doctor Stone, we're in the process of going through
S4: the nine practices that you suggest. And we now come
S4: to number six, which is cultivate certainty.
S2: Cultivate certainty. This is one of my favorite ones. The
S2: way our brains work is our brains want to know certainty.
S2: They want to know what's next. So when we face uncertainty,
S2: the stress response kicks in. It's like when you go on,
S2: let's say going to a party and you know, nobody there. You're,
S2: you know, there's a lot of uncertainty. So your stress
S2: response is a bit higher. You go into a party.
S2: You know, everybody there are I know that I know
S2: the folks there. So cultivating certainty is a really, really
S2: important one. And I think of in Psalm 125 one,
S2: the Scripture says, those who trust in the Lord are
S2: like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved but abides forever.
S2: The images of mountain think of a mountain has all
S2: kinds of weather around it, you know, storms and hail
S2: and sleet. Some some good weather. That mountain is firm.
S2: It does not become those emotions. It does not become
S2: those thoughts. What the Scripture is telling us, and science
S2: is telling us that when we're facing uncertain times, uncertainty
S2: in a stressful situation, we need to find some place,
S2: something that is certain. And for believers, it's God and
S2: His Word. So when we're facing a stressful situation, we
S2: don't know how it's going to turn out. It may
S2: be perpetual. It may be a child that's always sick.
S2: A spouse may have walked out. We don't know what's
S2: going to happen. We do not. We can speculate, but
S2: we don't know what do we do? We place our
S2: roots in the one certain one. That's Jesus. That's God's word.
S2: And one of the ways we do this is something
S2: called surrendering prayer. There was a Jesuit priest in the
S2: 1600s named Claude de la Colombiere, and he described this
S2: thing called surrendering prayer, where we're trusting God's infinite wisdom.
S2: We're believing that he acts for our good even in uncertainty,
S2: and we believe that God is in total control. So
S2: that's cultivate certainty. And we we desperately need this in
S2: the uncertain times where we that we live in now.
S4: So essentially you're saying in your own words, the individual, uh, God,
S4: you know where I am. You know what's going on.
S4: I don't understand everything. I'm not even sure what I
S4: should do next. But I want to thank you that
S4: you're with me. You're going to walk with me through this.
S4: I'm asking you for wisdom and energy. Uh, as I.
S4: As I walk with you. Thank you that you're with
S4: me in this. Something like that is what I hear
S4: you saying.
S5: Yes.
S2: You're experiencing. You're not making up certainty. You're experiencing what
S2: is truly certain. God. His sovereignty in his word.
S4: Yeah.
S3: Doctor Charles Stone is joining us. The book Stress Less
S3: is our featured resource at building relationships. Building relationships. I'm
S3: feeling stressed right now. Doctor Stone because Gary skipped over
S3: practice number five and I don't I don't want to
S3: correct him, but I've got to know what what this is.
S3: So I'm going to push through here and speak to myself.
S3: Take a deep breath and ask you soak your soul.
S3: Tell me about soak your soul.
S2: Yeah. When you look at Jesus pattern, Jesus was always
S2: present for people. He always had people clamoring for him.
S2: His to do list was never done because there were
S2: more people to teach and more people to heal. But
S2: Mark 135 reminds us that Jesus often went away and
S2: spent time with his father. Well, the research tells us
S2: that practices like prayer and contemplation and silence, those kind
S2: of biblical practices actually mitigate Gate. The stress response, and
S2: one of the very practical things that we can do
S2: as we face these uncertain situations, and we want to
S2: draw upon this soak your soul idea. There's a guy
S2: named Pargament. He's a professor, I think, in Kentucky, and
S2: he's done some research on what he calls a collaboration
S2: with God. Like when we face a stressful situation, there
S2: are 1 or 3 ways we respond. Number one is God.
S2: You take care of it totally. You know, I'm just
S2: it's kind of passive. The other extreme is, God, I
S2: got this in the middle ground is like, okay, Lord,
S2: I see myself as a partner. I'm trusting you for
S2: you to give me wisdom and the way we this
S2: is one of the applications of Soak Your Soul is
S2: we are seeing ourselves as partnering with God to be
S2: able to move through, to solve this problem. You know,
S2: take take the next step. There's another application. Research tells
S2: us that all in wonder when we worship, when we
S2: think of the awesomeness of God and where we're at?
S2: Maybe in a in a church and seeing a magnificent
S2: worship courses, or maybe just in the quietness of observing
S2: God's nature, that actually the one of the effects is
S2: it dials down the stress response. So soak your soul
S2: really comes down to feeding your soul. That helps mitigate
S2: the the intensity of the stress.
S4: I like that. Just this morning, I was getting ready
S4: to leave for the day and knew all the things
S4: I had to do today. And I just know I'm
S4: not a singer. But I started singing amazing Grace and
S4: and just worked through that song. Man, it my my
S4: whole countenance and my whole inner thing. Just calm down,
S4: you know?
S5: Yeah.
S2: Yeah.
S4: And, Chris, I'm sorry I caused you stress on skipping
S4: number five.
S5: Because.
S4: It's a very important practice.
S5: Yeah, but it did.
S3: It did a work in me because I worked work
S3: through it and we got back on track, so.
S5: Hey, there you go. What happened?
S4: All right, well, now practice number seven. Grow gratitude.
S5: Yes.
S2: This is also one of my favorite ones. And it's
S2: very easy to do. First Thessalonians 518 says, give thanks
S2: in all circumstances, not for all circumstances, but it's a
S2: position of gratefulness. Neuroscience tells us that when we assume
S2: the posture of gratefulness again, it dials down that stress response.
S2: And the simple application is something called three good things.
S2: That is, when you wake up in the morning, think
S2: of three things you're thankful for. It could be to
S2: the Lord, small or large. Better yet, if you journal,
S2: write those down. Better yet, think of three more things
S2: before you go to bed. And what this does, it
S2: sets the kind of the default focus for the day.
S2: Instead of the glass half empty, we've seen glass half full.
S2: So grow. Gratitude is simple as three good things when
S2: you wake up.
S4: I like that. You know, I have encouraged people sometime.
S4: What if you put all the children in a different
S4: room and tell them, just look around in the room
S4: and thank God for three things that are in the room.
S5: Oh, yeah. That's a great idea. Love that.
S4: You can do that numerous times because there's a lot
S4: of stuff in a room.
S5: Yes.
S2: And learn from those kids too when they do that.
S4: Absolutely. All right. Practice number eight. Safeguard safety.
S2: Well, this simply relates to community. Biblical community. When a
S2: church is really doing what it should, and you're experiencing
S2: community in the church as a whole, or maybe you're
S2: a small group when you feel safe, there's a neurochemical
S2: neurotransmitter called oxytocin, which increases in, uh, in your brain
S2: and it lowers cortisol, the stress hormone. It increases trust
S2: and increases bonding. And when I say safeguard safety, it's important,
S2: I think, for believers to find those people in our
S2: lives that are, um, happy. They're joyful, they're empathetic, uh,
S2: they're realistic. They don't give us, you know, pat answers,
S2: and they're trustworthy when we have those kinds of safe friends. Oh,
S2: it's such a healthy way to deal with our stress.
S2: And so just biblical community. It's amazing how neuroscience is
S2: kind of catching up to what the Bible.
S5: Has said.
S2: For centuries. So that's safeguard, safety, just guarding those healthy
S2: relationships and maintaining them because it's so it's such a blessing.
S4: Yeah. Our pastor spoke last Sunday as a matter of fact,
S4: on that topic, the whole value of community.
S5: That's great.
S4: Christian life wasn't lived, wasn't designed to be lived as
S4: a lone ranger. You know, we're part of a family.
S5: Yeah, yeah.
S4: Practice number nine Smart.
S2: Sleep smart. Oh, yes. Um, I'm, uh, doing a good
S2: bit of research now on on the whole issue of
S2: sleep and looking at how what Scripture says about it.
S2: In fact, Scripture records the word sleep over 100 times,
S2: like 125 times in most translations. Sometimes it refers to death,
S2: sometimes sexual intimacy, but most of the time just sleep.
S2: And what researchers are finding really, just as of late,
S2: just the past few years, how important healthy, good sleep
S2: is to, uh, be able to deal with the stress
S2: response and simple practical tools, uh, practices like, you know,
S2: good sleep environment. It's got to be dark and cool.
S2: It's interesting. The, the the perfect temperature to sleep in
S2: is mid 60s. Now my wife, she would not agree
S2: with that. We have a dedicated air conditioner in our bedroom.
S2: I turn it down and don't tell her it's 62,
S2: but she has a heating blanket. So there you go.
S2: You solved the.
S6: Problem. Oh.
S4: Yes.
S6: So things like that.
S2: Getting early morning sun. Uh, something else. Science is finding
S2: out now how important it is to kind of set
S2: our body clock and just being active during the day,
S2: if we're if we're active during the day. A byproduct
S2: of our cells producing energy is a neurotransmitter that builds up.
S2: Just imagine a balloon as the more you're active during
S2: the day, this balloon fills up with this stuff called adenosine.
S2: It's like night when you just can hardly stay awake.
S2: You got a real full balloon of adenosine, so an
S2: active day, uh, bodes well for for a good evening.
S2: So sleep. Uh, sleep practices crucial. Crucial to help us
S2: deal with stress.
S3: Let me ask you this. What you just said may
S3: have caused some stress for a listener who doesn't sleep well,
S3: hasn't been sleeping well and it's like, oh, I need sleep.
S3: And here's that message coming again. And I'm feeling stress
S3: about that, that that can feed on itself. And the
S3: anxiety heightens as well, right?
S2: Absolutely. I would say to that person, because I'm, I've
S2: basically been a poor sleeper my whole life. Now I'm
S2: doing a lot of little practices that help me sleep better.
S2: I would tell that person, take one simple step from
S2: all these practices that I describe, or you can Google it.
S2: And if you want to take one step, do it
S2: long enough where it becomes a regular in your life,
S2: then take the next step. It's not going to change overnight.
S2: You know, sleep medications are appropriate for short periods of time.
S2: If a doctor prescribes those not for long periods of time.
S2: But there are a lot of these simple steps that
S2: a person can take that will really, really be helpful. Now,
S2: if someone has a really chronic sleep deficit, there's something
S2: called CBT cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia. This is like
S2: a six week program. You can Google that. There are
S2: free programs online on cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia. And
S2: this going through these six weeks, if a person really,
S2: you know, applies the principles, it is proven to help
S2: people with ongoing sleep issues more than even medication. Now
S2: that's assuming the person doesn't have some real medical issue
S2: like a sleep apnea. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea,
S2: so I use a CPAp machine. But I would say
S2: to that person, start slow, start small, do something. Google CBT,
S2: I and I think the VA put together a really,
S2: really helpful program to help people who deal with chronic insomnia.
S4: Well, doctor Stone, everything you shared in all these practices
S4: are very, very practical. But if you were just going
S4: to share one simple daily habit that a listener might
S4: implement that would reduce stress. What would it be?
S2: I would say I alluded to the whole the power
S2: of deep breathing. I would say using that tool one
S2: way that one research scientist has said, it's when you
S2: breathe deeply and then do like a sniff, a little
S2: bit more breath and then that slow, slow exhale. This
S2: particular scientist said in their laboratory and other laboratories, doing
S2: 2 or 3 of those deep breathing, breathe in, pulling
S2: a little more and then slowly breathe out. Their laboratories
S2: have found it definitely dials down the stress response. And
S2: then secondly, I would say that gratitude. Three good things.
S2: Start your morning. Set your morning toward the Lord and
S2: all these blessings he's given you. That'll be your default
S2: mode for the day.
S4: Yeah. Would the person who's struggling with stress and not
S4: knowing where to go. Would working through this book you
S4: think lead them in a in a in a to
S4: take really major even those small steps in learning how
S4: to deal with that?
S2: Absolutely. One of the tools that comes with the book
S2: and the downloadable tool is a 30 day, uh, plan to, uh,
S2: be able to deal with stress. And one of those
S2: specifically chapters deals with, uh, the whole thing of sleep.
S2: So when it comes to sleep, are any of these practices? Uh, yeah.
S2: That's what the book does, is kind of lay out
S2: and hopefully put the cookies in the lower shelf so
S2: that you can try them out.
S4: Well, in your book, you do share personal stories about
S4: your journey with stress. Uh, what's one of the most
S4: valuable lessons you learned from your own experiences?
S6: Yeah.
S2: I would say get help. And when I realized that
S2: I was going to have to leave my church through
S2: that little tiny pinhole camera on my computer. I was
S2: I was really going down this really deep depression and
S2: consulted my doctor. He was a believer and he prescribed
S2: medication for me. Uh, think Prozac, you know, low dose.
S2: And it really helped. You know, we don't have a
S2: problem with somebody going to the doctor if they break
S2: their arm. But sometimes stressful situations mess up our blood
S2: chemistry and neurotransmitters and hormones so much that we need
S2: some help. So I would say find help. And there's
S2: help out there. There are coaches who coach people in
S2: sleep issues. There's great resources online, but it's what's what's
S2: called compliance. You just got to do it. Start small,
S2: start little and just just do it.
S4: Talk to the pastor out there who may be listening,
S4: who is feeling stressed about his congregation and his situation there.
S4: You've been, there. You've been. Pastor. What would you say
S4: to that pastor?
S2: Well, Covid did a real number on us during the
S2: height of Covid. Like 42, 43% of pastors really thought
S2: about quitting. That's down to like 33%, but that's still
S2: way too high. What I would suggest to that pastor
S2: that I wish I had done 30 or 40 years ago,
S2: find that safe friend. That friend may be another pastor,
S2: maybe somebody in your church, somebody in another church. It
S2: may be a professional counselor to keep your mental health
S2: and and your stress, stress resilience high and your mental
S2: health good. So I would really encourage pastors who are struggling, uh,
S2: find someone that you can be safe around. They can
S2: really be a good listening ear and offer realistic steps
S2: going forward. I totally understand that how they feel.
S4: And often pastors are reluctant to do that because of
S4: their own fear of what will people think? And so forth. Yeah, but,
S4: you know, people know that we're human. Yeah. Pastors are human. So. Yeah.
S4: We all we all need help at some juncture and
S4: sometimes at many junctures.
S6: Right.
S4: Well, doctor Stone, as we coming toward the end of
S4: our time together, what do you say to the person
S4: who is under relational stress right now? Maybe their spouse
S4: has walked away and everything is uncertain. And what do
S4: you say to that listener?
S2: Mhm. Well there are 2 or 3 top of the
S2: mind things. First of all just acknowledging this is an
S2: uncertain situation. If that spouse has walked away. You know,
S2: we may pray. Uh, we may seek help from a counselor.
S2: We may seek help from our pastor or the board. Unfortunately,
S2: because of how sin affects us, some people just walk away.
S2: And in that situation, when there is that great uncertainty,
S2: going back to that image of that mountain, when we
S2: like Mount Zion. We don't have to become those thoughts
S2: that we're thinking. We don't have to become those emotions.
S2: But we do need to find certainty, not manufacture certainty,
S2: but rest on the certainty of the sovereign God that
S2: we serve. Rest on the truth of God's Word. That
S2: is certain. And certainly we do that out of obedience.
S2: But the side effect is it does lower the stress response.
S2: So we don't do it just to lower the stress response.
S2: But it's okay to recognize, Lord, I need a little
S2: bit of wind in my sails and so doing so
S2: in these kind of things to lower the stress response
S2: gives us more of that resilience and reserve to make
S2: right choices and to think clearly about, okay, what is
S2: my next step? What do I need to do. So
S2: so that's that's that's what I would say to that
S2: person just in that kind of situation.
S4: Well these have been very, very helpful. What do you
S4: hope that listeners are going to take away from our
S4: conversation today and from the book?
S2: Yeah, I think two things. First is this hope you
S2: can absolutely manage the effects of the stress response. Absolutely
S2: you can. Based on God's Word, based on the truth
S2: of what we're learning about how the body works through science.
S2: That's number one. Number two, stress need not define you. Rather,
S2: let it refine you, not define you, but refine you.
S2: God refines us through difficult circumstances and he gives us
S2: grace where we need. That's not a platitude. That is truth.
S2: He gives us everything we need for life and godliness.
S2: So that hope. And number two, don't let define you.
S2: Let it refine you. So those are the two things
S2: I would say. The other would be the big takeaways
S2: from our conversation.
S4: Well, those are two things that certainly are important. I
S4: want to thank you for writing the book. Obviously, you
S4: took a lot of study and a lot of time
S4: working on this. And I also want to thank you
S4: for being with us today.
S6: Thank you so much.
S3: Did you hear the hope in Doctor Stone's voice today?
S3: Our featured resource is the book Stress Less nine habits
S3: from the Bible and Brain Science to build Resilience and
S3: Reduce Anxiety. You can find out more at building Relationships again.
S3: Building relationships.
S4: And next week, your questions and comments about your relationships.
S1: Don't miss the April edition of Dear Gary in One Week.
S1: A big thank you to our production team, Janice backing
S1: and Steve Wick. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is
S1: a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers,
S1: a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.