S1: How do they make all the kids feel included without
S1: showing favoritism?
S2: What if I struggle with desiring my wife?
S3: I'm getting to the emotional thing of why I don't
S3: feel any emotions anymore, and I'm starting to question if
S3: I actually am in a marriage or not.
S4: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S4: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's
S4: time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of February,
S4: featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker.
S5: We have some written questions for Doctor Chapman today, as
S5: well as your recorded calls, and let me encourage you
S5: if you have something going on in your relationships. If
S5: you're single, you're married, and you have a question or comment,
S5: call us at 1866424. Gary. And this is not just
S5: a problem line. Maybe there's something that's happened in your
S5: relationship that went well. Maybe it is because of the
S5: five love languages and you want to encourage somebody else
S5: with your experience. So questions, comments, even response to our
S5: conversation today. Call 1-866-424-4279.
S6: You know, Chris, I always enjoy these conversations because they
S6: remind me of what happens during the conferences that I
S6: lead throughout the country. You know, when people come up
S6: to me afterwards and and they say, Doc Chapman, we
S6: just want to tell you and they'll tell me their story.
S6: Many times it is how the five love languages impacted
S6: their marriage 20 years ago. Sometimes, you know, or 15
S6: years ago and how it really saved their marriage and
S6: turned things around. So I always enjoy calls from people
S6: who are not just asking questions, but also making comments
S6: about what they have found helpful, you know, in their relationship.
S5: And you can find out where Gary is going to
S5: be in the coming weeks by going to the website
S5: Building relationships.us. Just click events and you'll see his speaking
S5: schedule again, building relationships us. And while you're there, click
S5: the resources tab and you'll find the featured resource for today,
S5: the book by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A Simple
S5: Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, practical insights. Every couple
S5: needs to thrive. And Gary, we're going to have John
S5: with us, with you in just a few weeks to
S5: talk about that book. But can you give us an
S5: overview or maybe one of the quick, practical insights that
S5: I need today?
S6: Well, you know, Chris, I wrote this book along with
S6: John because I have the sense that more and more
S6: in today's culture, people are looking for short chapters in
S6: books rather than long chapters because everybody's busy. So what
S6: we're dealing with this book is a lot of topics,
S6: short chapters on a lot of topics related to various
S6: aspects of the relationship. You know, one, of course, is
S6: the whole issue of conflicts. And how do we solve
S6: conflicts without arguing with each other. How do we process
S6: our differences? But a lot of different topics. And I'm
S6: thinking that people are going to find this book not
S6: only readable, but it's also going to help them at
S6: the end of every chapter, we have specific ideas in
S6: terms of how you can apply what you've just read
S6: to your own marriage. So it's a very practical book.
S6: I'm very excited about it. It sounds.
S5: Really good. Can't wait to talk with John about that
S5: as well. It came out earlier this month and if
S5: you go to Building relationships.us and click resources. You'll see
S5: that by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A simple guide
S5: for making marriage better. Go to building relationships.us. All right.
S5: We're going to start with a written question for you
S5: this week, Gary. And this is a tough one. Doctor Chapman,
S5: my wife of 26 years, left me three months ago.
S5: Only now do I understand that her love language is
S5: acts of service. Is there any way I can do
S5: acts of service for her from a different residence than her.
S5: I am dying inside without her. But she says that
S5: the love is dead. When I told her I read
S5: your book, though, she seemed interested. Please help Doctor Chapman.
S5: Any advice you can give me, I will follow.
S6: Well, I can be empathetic with this caller, of course,
S6: because I think any time that a spouse chooses to
S6: leave us and communicate that they don't feel loved by us,
S6: it's devastating. Unfortunately, there are many individuals like this gentleman
S6: who are really not aware of what's going on, are
S6: not going on in the mind and heart of their spouse.
S6: That's why I think the five love languages has been
S6: so helpful to many couples. I'm glad that he's read
S6: the book. At least he's got the picture now of
S6: why she feels the way she feels, and if she
S6: were open to reading the book, which she may or
S6: may not be. But if she were, I think she
S6: could look back and realise why she feels the way
S6: she feels, and she could see that there's hope, because
S6: we can always learn how to speak love to another
S6: person in a meaningful way. So if he would feel
S6: good sharing the copy of the book with her, or
S6: maybe if she's got another friend who could give her
S6: a copy of the book could be helpful. I would
S6: suggest one other book that I've written that I think
S6: he might find helpful, and that is it's entitled One
S6: More Try What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart.
S6: And it would be good for him to read it.
S6: It'd be good for her to read it. Uh, in
S6: terms of what else he might do, the fact that
S6: he's read the book that he's shared with her, that
S6: he believes her language is acts of service, and he
S6: realizes he has not been good at that. Uh, he
S6: might ask her, honey, where we are now. What could
S6: I do that would be helpful to you? What could
S6: I do that would be meaningful to you? And I
S6: can't guarantee you know that she's going to say, well,
S6: you do this, this, this, and I'll come back and
S6: we can reconcile. My guess is this has been going
S6: on for a long time in her heart and her mind.
S6: But I think apologizing to her for his failures in
S6: the past and asking her, what might I do now
S6: that would be helpful to you at this stage in
S6: our relationship? That kind of spirit, that kind of attitude,
S6: I think, is the very best thing you could do
S6: at this point.
S5: And any of the resources that we mentioned, pretty much
S5: all the resources we mentioned are going to be located
S5: at the website. If you go to Building Relationships, Dot
S5: us and click resources, you can find that book One
S5: More Try or the Five Love Languages or the next
S5: book that we might talk about. Our next caller is
S5: a mom with a question I think a lot of
S5: parents are going to identify with.
S7: Hi, Gary. I don't know which book I should buy
S7: my teenager. I don't know if I should just get
S7: her the regular five love languages. Or do you have
S7: one for the teens to sort of navigate through their feelings?
S7: Does that help them navigating through understanding their feelings and
S7: how to talk about it and things of that nature?
S7: So I don't know if I should get the regular
S7: five love languages or five love languages for teenagers. And
S7: you do. Do you have one for girls specifically? But
S7: thank you.
S6: I don't have one for girls specifically, but I do
S6: have one specifically for teenagers. It's entitled A Teens Guide
S6: to the Five Love Languages, and I have seen many,
S6: many parents give this book to the teenager. The parent,
S6: of course, is familiar with the love languages and how
S6: it works in a marriage relationship, but also as a parent.
S6: If you haven't read The Five Love languages of teenagers.
S6: That book is written to parents of teenagers. So if
S6: you are reading that book, The Five Love Languages of
S6: Teenagers and the Teen is reading A Teen's Guide to
S6: the Five Love Languages, it will open up conversation with
S6: the two of you about this topic, and I think
S6: you'll find it to be a real communication stimulator. I
S6: would suggest each of those books.
S5: A featured resource is a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick,
S5: practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. Just go to
S5: building relationships. Dot us and you'll find it right there.
S5: Building relationships.us. All right Gary, here is a call about
S5: a blended family.
S8: Hey, Gary. Love your program, for one thing. Got a
S8: question for you about a blended family? Uh, blended family.
S8: Husband is a widower, and he has three kids. He
S8: remarried a woman who is divorced. She has two sons. Okay,
S8: so blended family, the kids. The ages span from four
S8: through 12. My question is, are both parents parenting blended family?
S8: How do they make all the kids feel included? All
S8: the kids feel loved without showing favoritism. How do you
S8: navigate that, including with all the emotions and the feelings
S8: that come with, you know, losing one parent through cancer
S8: and then the other parent was through divorce? How do
S8: you how would a two parents navigate that? Would love
S8: your advice with that and just thank God for what
S8: you do.
S6: Well, Chris, I'm glad to hear this call. I think
S6: there are many, many people who are asking similar questions
S6: if they're in a blended family. The love languages can
S6: be very, very helpful in a blended family, but we
S6: have to recognize just because you know their love language
S6: doesn't mean that that stepchild will necessarily be super open
S6: to your speaking their love language, at least in the
S6: beginning stages of the relationship, because they don't have a
S6: relationship with you yet. They're not emotionally bonded with you yet.
S6: We discussed this in a lot of other issues in
S6: a book that I wrote with Ron Diehl. It's entitled
S6: Building Love Together in Blended Families. I think you would
S6: find that book extremely helpful. Ron Diehl has worked with
S6: blended families for 25 years and wrote this book with him.
S6: I think you're going to find that the insights will
S6: be very, very helpful in specific answer to your question.
S6: I would say recognize, first of all, it's going to
S6: take time for the stepparent to build an emotional bond
S6: with the stepchildren, but I think it can be done
S6: and over a period of time it will be done
S6: if you learn how to speak their love language. He
S6: mentioned ages four through 12, discussing with the children that
S6: everybody has a love language, even the four year old.
S6: You can discover a child's language by the time they're
S6: four years old. Everybody has a love language. So mommy
S6: has a language. Daddy has a language, and all the
S6: children have a language. And what we want to learn
S6: as a family is how to express love to each other.
S6: Because we love each other. We just want all of
S6: you to feel loved. And so I think having an
S6: open discussion like that with the children would be the
S6: beginning place in building that emotional bond. But I do
S6: think if you work through that book, you'll find a
S6: lot of other practical ideas as well.
S9: Yes.
S5: And you can find that at the website. Again, building
S5: relationships Once you actually click store and you go down,
S5: you'll see building love together in blended families. Subtitled The
S5: Five Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart. Again, just go
S5: to building relationships. Dot us and you can find out more.
S5: The calls. The questions continue. I don't think we've ever
S5: had this situation in a marriage represented on the program.
S5: Here's our next call.
S3: Hi Gary, I'm calling because my husband and I have
S3: been apart for ten years because he lives in a
S3: foreign country. I understand he had addictions and he's going
S3: to 12 step programs and he's like, everything's okay with
S3: him now. But basically we've been operating financially separately since 2015,
S3: when the government detained him and eventually had to do
S3: voluntary departure. But we've been financially separated. But he's making
S3: financial decisions with his family and including adopting two children
S3: without my permission and not sending any money at all
S3: to our son, who is his flesh and blood. So
S3: I am no longer sending him money. I was before,
S3: but I stopped sending him money when he adopted the
S3: second child. And now I'm at a point where, uh,
S3: after being apart from him for ten years, I'm getting
S3: to the emotional thing of why I don't feel any
S3: emotions anymore. And I'm starting to question if I actually
S3: am in a marriage or not. It's really confusing me.
S3: So I'm sure you don't hear that a lot. But
S3: if you have anything, uh, just let me know. Thank you. Bye.
S6: Well, this is a very, very difficult situation. I think
S6: most of us who hear that caller are thinking to ourselves,
S6: how can that be ten years apart physically with the
S6: husband in another country required to be. They're not allowed
S6: to come back, at least at this juncture. So this
S6: is this is a very unique situation. And I don't
S6: know all the ins and outs, of course, of the relationship.
S6: I do find it very strange that he would adopt
S6: two children in another country while not supporting financially the
S6: child of which he is the father. Now, I don't
S6: know whether he is involved with another woman. The caller
S6: doesn't say that. Maybe the caller doesn't know that, but
S6: the fact that he would adopt children lends me to
S6: think he might be involved with someone else. So I
S6: just think you're in a very, very difficult situation. And
S6: I don't know that I have the answer to it,
S6: but apparently it's not just a matter of being geographically separated,
S6: but in many other ways you're separated, that is, he's
S6: not giving you any money to and you're not giving
S6: him any money. And you say something about him still
S6: controlling the finances. I don't know how that works. I
S6: would suggest it would be really helpful for you to
S6: sit down with a Christian counselor and share the situation fully,
S6: and work through the various aspects of this relationship, in
S6: terms of deciding what might be the best approach for
S6: you to take, because it's a very, very complicated situation.
S6: And I do think having an outsider help you think
S6: through all the various aspects of your relationship at this
S6: juncture would be very, very helpful.
S5: And I think what you're putting your finger on, Gary, is,
S5: is what is here, what is the truth in this
S5: and is there? And there may not be a way
S5: to find that out from him. If he's hiding something,
S5: he may not be, but and he may be. And
S5: I just wonder if there's somebody, you know, on the
S5: ground in that other country that she could ask, you know, hey,
S5: can you tell me what's going on? Or, you know,
S5: that might not be possible either. She just needs more
S5: information from him in order to find out. Because I
S5: found that to be the same thing. You know, if
S5: he's adopting children, it's like, wait, what is what's really
S5: going on here? That's the question, right?
S6: Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And whether or not she knows anyone
S6: in the other country who could share information with her,
S6: I don't know, but it would certainly be valuable if
S6: she had a contact in that country that could help
S6: her with that.
S9: Yeah.
S5: Well, that's a complex question. Obviously you can't deal with
S5: everything here on the radio, but these are some of
S5: the things that people are going through. And I'm glad
S5: you called. 866424 Gary. And you can do the same
S5: thing like this next caller did in response to a
S5: program a few months ago about intimacy and marriage. We
S5: are still getting response from that program that aired last fall.
S5: This question is from the husband's perspective.
S10: Hi, Gary. Um, my question is how to show my
S10: wife that I want her. And what if I struggle
S10: with desiring my wife to have sexual intercourse with her
S10: and show her that I desire her?
S6: Well, it's unclear in my mind whether the caller has
S6: a desire to be sexually intimate with his wife or
S6: whether he doesn't. A part of me thinks he's saying,
S6: I don't have that desire. How do I explain that
S6: to her? I still love her, but I don't want
S6: to have sex with her because that was a part
S6: of the situation that we talked about in another program.
S6: So I don't know exactly where he's coming from, but
S6: I think in terms of how do you communicate to
S6: your wife that you love her, that you want to
S6: be intimate with her, that you want to have a
S6: healthy relationship Again. What I suggest, if couples are open,
S6: is read a book together. And here's what I mean
S6: by that. Read a chapter. Each of you read the
S6: same chapter, and then you ask, what can we learn
S6: from that chapter that might help us? It's working through
S6: a book, any book, any Christian book on marriage, just
S6: working through a book on marriage with an outside voice
S6: that's bringing up different topics. And each of you read
S6: the same thing and then say, what can we learn
S6: from that chapter? It's it's it's it's not a quick fix,
S6: but what it is, it begins to build communication between
S6: the two of you in which you're talking about real life.
S6: And that's where changes are made when a couple is
S6: having open communication. And to me, that's one of the
S6: easiest ways to start and build positive communication in a
S6: marriage is by sharing a book together. And I think
S6: you'll find that helpful. If she's open to that and
S6: chances are she will be.
S5: What I picked up from his call was this. I
S5: used to have a desire, and it's kind of waned.
S5: And I don't have the same desire anymore. And I
S5: want to. But I don't know how to make this happen.
S5: You know, make this everything come together. So the tension
S5: was more inside of him than really even with his wife.
S5: Does that make sense?
S6: Yeah, it does. And that's why I think I wouldn't
S6: start with that topic, you know, to hitting her over
S6: the head with that idea. I would start with saying,
S6: you know, honey, I've been thinking about us and I
S6: really want us to have a growing marriage, and I
S6: don't know how you feel about where we are. If
S6: we had to rate us on a scale of 0
S6: to 10, how you would rate us. But I just
S6: want us to have a growing marriage. So would you
S6: be willing to work through a book with me? And
S6: let's just read the chapter and you read it. I
S6: read it, and then we say, what? What can we
S6: learn from this chapter that would be helpful to us?
S6: I think starting in that with that more generalized approach,
S6: rather than bringing up this particular topic with her, because
S6: I don't know how she's feeling. But eventually, if it's
S6: a Christian book on marriage, there will be a chapter
S6: on sexuality. Okay. And you'll get to that. But you
S6: need to have some conversation about the rest of marriage,
S6: because that also greatly impacts the sexual aspect of marriage.
S5: Well, thank you for that question. Again. If you want
S5: to respond to that caller or ask a question yourself. 866424. Gary,
S5: here's another question. This one is written. Gary I listen
S5: to Moody Radio. I read today in The Word, which
S5: is a devotional from Moody. I am 25 months into
S5: my grief journey, and I would like to know if
S5: you can suggest any books targeted for widowers. My wife
S5: and I were married in January of 2017. By October
S5: of 2018, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in November
S5: of 2022. She was heaven bound. I miss her touch,
S5: her singing and laughter, but most of all holding hands
S5: with our heads bowed in prayer. And I miss her
S5: reading our nightly devotional. Praying alone and reading my Bible
S5: just before bed doesn't replace her, but it does help.
S5: I was a full time caregiver for her, and I
S5: still volunteer at the cancer center where my wife had
S5: all her treatments. I wear ugly shirts and hats and
S5: try to make the person with cancer smile. This is
S5: a small way for me to say thank you. Any
S5: help you could give would be appreciated. So what would
S5: you say to this man? And I think it's interesting.
S5: He says, I'm 25 months into my grief journey. He's
S5: counting it down to the month there.
S6: Yeah. Yeah. Well, you have to be empathetic with this caller.
S6: The fact that they were only married for, you know,
S6: a short time, as it were. And then early on,
S6: after the Wedding. She came down with the cancer, so
S6: you have to be empathetic with him. What I would
S6: say is this grief is a journey. There's no magic
S6: wand waved that you do this, and then the grief
S6: is over. No. We will always be aware of the
S6: loss when we lose a spouse. I do think the
S6: fact that he is reaching out to minister to those
S6: cancer patients, which he mentioned. I think that's a positive
S6: thing because he's making a contribution in their lives by
S6: trying to, you know, have some humor with them and,
S6: and just expressing interest in them as an individual. So
S6: I think that's good. I don't know if the caller
S6: is familiar with grief share, but it's a national Christian
S6: program all over the country. And there are churches almost
S6: in every city who has grief share groups. It's about
S6: a 12 week program can be very, very helpful. In fact,
S6: I'd suggest our caller may be Google Griefshare. There's those
S6: two words Griefshare and you'll discover their website and all
S6: the materials that they have available. And you'll also be
S6: able to locate a griefshare group that's in your area geographically,
S6: because there's value in processing grief with other people who
S6: are going through grief. And that program has been very,
S6: very helpful to literally thousands and thousands of people who
S6: are grieving. And it's a very strongly Christian program. So
S6: that would be my suggestion. And I think there you'll
S6: find a lot of other help in terms of books
S6: and articles and that sort of thing that will be
S6: helpful to you in the process. But the process is
S6: a process, and it will take time to get back on,
S6: as it were, level ground emotionally after you've lost a spouse.
S6: But as I said earlier, it doesn't mean you'll ever
S6: get over it. We will always miss a person that
S6: we loved and we vested our lives with.
S5: I looked at different books and actually wrote him back
S5: and H. Norm Wright is one of my favorite authors
S5: on on grief of years gone by. But as I
S5: was looking at it, I saw that most of the
S5: material is written more for women than for men. And
S5: I wanted to ask you, is there do you think
S5: there's a difference between women and men as far as
S5: that grief process goes?
S6: I think it's more individually than it is male or female.
S6: But you're right that more books are written by widows
S6: to widows than are written by widowers to widowers. So
S6: you're exactly right. And that's why I suggest the grief share,
S6: because they're dealing with men and women who are processing grief.
S4: You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S4: If you go to our website Building Relationships Us, you'll
S4: see the latest release from Doctor Gary Chapman and his co-author,
S4: John Hinckley. It's the book A simple guide for Making
S4: marriage better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive.
S4: Just go to building relationships. Dot us. Plus, while you're there,
S4: find out when Gary might be coming to your area
S4: for a seminar. Click the events tab at Building Relationships.
S4: Dot us.
S5: And don't forget you can ask Gary a question at 1866424. Gary,
S5: call that number. Leave your message and you may hear
S5: an answer in a future. Dear Gary broadcast 1-866-424-4279. I
S5: want you to hear a call that I received, Gary.
S5: And this voicemail was actually for a different program, Chris
S5: Fabry Live. But I thought this really fits in with
S5: building relationships. We had a guest named Jerry Edgar, who
S5: was paralyzed in a high school football accident in the 1980s,
S5: and he told his story of the years that his
S5: wife cared for him, as well as some of his
S5: friends who came along every day to his home. At
S5: like 5:00 in the morning, they came and got him
S5: ready for for work that day. He teaches at a
S5: school and still does. So the listener heard Jerry's story,
S5: and then she said this.
S11: Um, I'm listening to Moody Radio right now with Jerry
S11: and how inspiring. I was married to my high school
S11: sweetheart who had a diving accident and broke his neck
S11: and actually cared for him for 37 years, just lost
S11: him a few years ago. But I understand where he's
S11: coming from, where you can find the blessing in the tragedy.
S11: God has been faithful. Adopted. Two kids have four grandkids.
S11: Our life was filled with God's blessings from top to bottom.
S11: He was an amazing man who sought the Lord, and
S11: he had the same mindset of if that accident hadn't
S11: happened to him, would he be as close to the
S11: Lord as he was? And the Lord was faithful in
S11: strengthening me to the very end. And for those who
S11: are suffering or have that same, um, tragedy. The Lord
S11: works through it, and he makes a blessing out of it.
S11: He's turned everything upside down. And I am very grateful
S11: for your program, for listening. So have a great day.
S11: God bless.
S6: Well, Chris, I'm glad this lady called in response to
S6: what she heard on your program. Uh, I think anyone
S6: out there who is caring for a spouse, whether it's
S6: a wife caring for a husband or a husband, caring
S6: for a wife who has disabilities of various kinds would
S6: be encouraged by what this lady just said. 37 years.
S6: She cared for her husband. They adopted two children in
S6: the process of all of that. So along with caring
S6: for him, there were the two children to raise as well.
S6: And you hear the joy in her heart. You hear
S6: the satisfaction in how she invested so much of her life,
S6: you know, in caring for him and how his walk
S6: with God was encouraging to her. So, you know, I
S6: think we always question in our minds, at least initially,
S6: when things like this happen, of why did this happen?
S6: And why are there people who have to live the
S6: bulk of their life, you know, with a disability that
S6: came rather quickly and sometimes early in their life? And
S6: we don't always have answers to all of that, but
S6: we are where we are, and God is with us
S6: wherever we are in our journey, whether we're the one
S6: who is suffering from the disability. Or whether we're the
S6: one who's caring for the person who is disabled. Uh,
S6: we are walking life together, and this happens to be
S6: our journey and relationship with God, of course, is central
S6: in walking through a journey like that. Because God is
S6: with us, whether we're healthy or whether we're not healthy.
S6: And God has plans for us with whatever limitations we have.
S6: I remember a dear friend of mine who was bedridden
S6: for many, many years. He had been a pastor earlier
S6: in his life, and he was at the place where
S6: he could hardly move any part of his body. But
S6: he had a prayer ministry and he prayed. That was
S6: his ministry. And I would share with him my own
S6: needs and ask prayer, and other people would share with him.
S6: So whatever our limitations, there's always a way that God
S6: wants to use our lives. And whether we're caring for
S6: that person or whether we're being cared for. The relationship
S6: with God makes all of life meaningful.
S5: That word that you just used is the same one
S5: that I thought of. Joy. There was joy coming from
S5: her and she didn't go back and lament, you know
S5: how hard it was. I'm sure it was. Or why
S5: did this happen? She just was so joyful at being
S5: able to serve him. The other thing is, she didn't
S5: call in order to be on the radio. You know,
S5: she just called to leave that message. But I wanted
S5: to play that here. Mainly Gary, for somebody who is
S5: in silence, who's working, who's doing that hard job of caregiving,
S5: and nobody sees, nobody knows what's going on. Nobody knows
S5: the the sleepless nights that you've had and the worries
S5: and the struggles that you're going through. And just hearing
S5: her voice, I think, is an encouragement to anybody who's
S5: going through that.
S6: Yeah, I fully agree with that Chris. It was that.
S6: Really appreciate her calling and sharing that.
S5: Well, before we hear our next caller, let me give
S5: you the number again. I'd love to hear from you. 866424. Gary.
S5: But I want to let you know that the question
S5: that you ask or the struggle that you may explain
S5: here in a phone call, might be the very thing
S5: that somebody else needs to hear to let them know
S5: they're not alone. Like our last caller was serving her
S5: husband for all those years. So don't hold back and
S5: think that your call is not important or it's too specific.
S5: This is a grandmother who's in a really difficult situation.
S12: Um, my phone's gone. Trying to save my family from
S12: some really dark things. And I'm hanging on. And God
S12: has given me so much strength. But if people just
S12: could pray quietly, silently, in their own way at times,
S12: save my grandson from really ugly situation. We just need prayers.
S12: My mama always said, if you save the life of
S12: a child, you save the world. I haven't lost my faith.
S12: I know there's darkness everywhere. People are so different. But
S12: that little boy never knew how to pray. Till grandma
S12: came and he learned to pray. He finally felt happy.
S12: And then his ugly. Ugly. Took him away. I'm still
S12: in the home. It's a dangerous situation, but it's under surveillance,
S12: so to speak. And I'm not leaving. I'm having a
S12: hard time getting help for my son, and, uh, my
S12: grandson is my heart. So pray for us. This little boy.
S12: We need to protect him in so many ways. And
S12: I don't fear because I will stand with God on
S12: my back. But I'm tired, and it's a lot of work.
S12: And if we could just not have those hiccups. Just
S12: a little bit of extra good luck. Kind of, you know,
S12: a little good luck. I could really, really use it.
S12: Thank you.
S6: You know, Chris, as I hear this grandmother sharing her
S6: love for her grandson and staying in a very difficult
S6: situation for his benefit. I'm thinking of scores and scores
S6: of grandparents across this country who are caring for grandsons
S6: and granddaughters because of situations where their the biological father
S6: or mother maybe are incarcerated, or sometimes, of course, they've
S6: deceased or they're addicted to drugs and that sort of thing.
S6: And grandmothers are playing a tremendously positive role in the
S6: lives of those grandchildren. So I really appreciate this lady calling.
S6: You can feel the pain, the hurt, the difficulty, and
S6: yet she's so willing to do it because she recognizes
S6: that she is the one who's having the positive influence
S6: on that grandson. And as she mentioned, you know, if
S6: you help a grandson, you help a son, ultimately you're
S6: going to help the world. And she mentioned that he
S6: had never prayed. I think she said that she and
S6: he had never learned to pray until she, you know,
S6: began to pray with him. So the power of a grandparent,
S6: whether it's a grandmother or grandfather who's spending time with
S6: the grandchild, is time well invested. And I think everyone
S6: who heard this call would want to pray for this grandmother.
S6: So can we just take a moment and pray? Father,
S6: thank you for this caller and for scores of others
S6: across this country who are caring for their grandchildren. Will
S6: you give them wisdom? Will you give them guidance? Will
S6: you continue to give them a vision of how important
S6: their role is in the life of that grandchild? And
S6: I pray for all those His grandchildren who are being
S6: raised basically by grandparents. Father, by your spirit. Will you
S6: draw them to yourself? And in spite of the fact
S6: that for whatever reason, they haven't had a lot of
S6: parental help, may they recognize the value of their grandparents,
S6: and may they come to know you in a personal
S6: way and go on to invest their lives in a
S6: meaningful way. In the name of Christ, we pray. Amen.
S5: Gary, I want to read another question that was written
S5: to you. He writes, I'm an avid believer in your
S5: love languages book. The first time I read it, I
S5: understood it immediately. I'm 54 and I've been married for
S5: 28 years. I love my wife with all my heart,
S5: but she just dropped a bomb on me earlier this year. Initially,
S5: she stated she was going through a mid-life crisis and
S5: didn't love me anymore. It makes me think of chapter 12.
S5: In your book, she goes from positive to negative almost instantly.
S5: She has said she needs to fix herself, but we
S5: will get through this. Most recently, she said that doesn't
S5: mean getting through it together. She has said she needs space,
S5: time and patience. Then she said she doesn't know if
S5: she wants to save the marriage. She has good moments
S5: to volatile moments. I am trying every day. She's even
S5: acknowledged I'm trying and sees the effort I'm putting in
S5: to saving the marriage. She's admitted she isn't really putting
S5: in any effort. I'm at a loss. She says. She's
S5: not ready for couples counseling. She's agreed to counseling, but
S5: wants to wait until she's ready. I see a counselor
S5: and she sits in actively on my sessions. She has
S5: stated she has one chance left, but doesn't know if
S5: she wants to give it to me. There has never
S5: been abuse in our relationship. I don't know what to
S5: do or where to go. Thanks for any consideration.
S6: Well, I'm glad, Chris, that he is getting counseling because
S6: obviously he's in a very, very frustrating situation. And I
S6: think the fact that he has taken the initiative to
S6: reach out and see a counselor himself that is positive.
S6: The fact that she sits in on those sessions is
S6: somewhat unusual, but I think a very positive thing that
S6: she is willing to hear him processing his life and
S6: his ideas and his struggles and all with with the counselor.
S6: I think that's a plus. I would hope that she
S6: would be willing to go for counseling. He indicates that
S6: she says she is open to that, but it has
S6: to be on her time schedule and she's not ready
S6: for that right now. Well, we can't force somebody to
S6: go to counseling to be sure. I think the fact
S6: that he is trying, that's a plus, and she's recognizing
S6: that he is trying. She's not quite sure whether she
S6: wants to give him an opportunity to work on the
S6: marriage with him. She's really struggling in that whole area
S6: and that's why, again, she desperately needs counseling. If I
S6: could talk with her individually, I would encourage her to
S6: get counseling. I think another thing I would suggest to
S6: her is the book I mentioned earlier in our program,
S6: and that is one more try. What to do when
S6: your marriage is falling apart? Because in her idea, obviously
S6: the marriage is in trouble and sometimes people in that
S6: situation feel like their only option is just to get
S6: out of the marriage and maybe start over with somebody
S6: else and it'll be better. Well, we know that's not
S6: the answer. I mean, the divorce rate in second marriages
S6: is higher than first marriages. We're going to marry. If
S6: you do that, you're going to marry a human. And
S6: they have a history and they have problems. And so
S6: that's never the answer. The answer always is to look
S6: to God to give us wisdom on what do we
S6: do now? We're in trouble. We're in deep trouble. But
S6: we need help and we want your help. So I
S6: would encourage her to reach out to God. I don't
S6: know if she's a Christian or not, but even non-Christians
S6: can begin a relationship with God that can transform their lives.
S6: So I would just encourage him not to give up
S6: himself if she were open to reading the book. One
S6: more try. I would certainly think that God could use
S6: that to help her see the possibility that real changes
S6: can be made. And I think the fact that he
S6: has an open heart to this is a plus. So
S6: I would just say to him, don't give up. Continue
S6: your efforts to reach out, to express love to her
S6: that you care for her, that you want to help
S6: her walk through what she's struggling with, and that you
S6: want to be the husband that she longs for, and
S6: that you believe you can be that with the help
S6: of God.
S5: Let me follow up. At the risk of being misunderstood here.
S5: Gary and you correct me if I'm wrong for even
S5: asking the question, but I pick up a little bit
S5: in the the question. This idea that he's I'm trying
S5: really hard and if I just try a little bit harder,
S5: you know, I'm going to I'm going to turn this
S5: thing around by myself or my love for her. If
S5: I just pour out love, love, love, then she's going
S5: to respond to this. And so my question is, is
S5: there anything that he can do that is a that
S5: is a mistake in the relationship of being I don't
S5: want to. The word needy is is the word that
S5: comes to mind. And that's not the right word. But
S5: kind of you have to you can't go. You've got
S5: to stay. You've got to be in this. If if
S5: he presents that rather than rather than strength to her saying, look,
S5: I love you no matter what you decide here. And
S5: I am here for you. And when he shows her
S5: that kind of strength, is there something from that that
S5: that she really might need?
S6: Well, I think so. I think, you know, this concept
S6: of him, like, as it were, begging her. Yes. You know,
S6: we don't get very far with that, that approach because
S6: it shows weakness. You know, I'm desperately in need of you.
S6: I desperately have to have you. Uh, that doesn't do
S6: much for the other person. It appears to me that
S6: she has felt neglected through the years, and that she
S6: has not felt loved by him. And now his efforts
S6: to reach out and try to show her that he
S6: loves her. And, you know, she she's just not sure
S6: that it's going to make any difference in the long run.
S6: That's why I think him simply apologizing for failures in
S6: the past and letting her know I'm with you. I
S6: want to do everything I can to help you process this,
S6: whether it's with me or without me. I want you
S6: to be a healthy person. And that's why I would
S6: encourage you to get counseling. Because I believe that God
S6: wants you to have a meaningful life. If I can
S6: be a part of that, that's what I certainly would like.
S6: But I want you to get the help you need
S6: to be the person you believe God wants you to be.
S6: I think that approach is much more positive.
S9: Yes.
S5: And and him going for counseling, that is a very
S5: a lot of people say, well, that's a weak thing
S5: to do. I say, no, that is one of the
S5: strongest courageous things you can do to work on yourself.
S5: And I found it interesting as well. As you pointed out,
S5: it's a little different to see that she's sitting in,
S5: you know, on that whole thing. Um, but but that
S5: he's getting the counseling, I think is a really strong
S5: thing for him to do, don't you?
S6: Absolutely, Chris, because it says, I'm serious about this. I
S6: recognize I'm not perfect. I want to grow. I want
S6: to find out what I can do to be a
S6: different person.
S5: All right, Gary, we have time for one question from
S5: start marriage. Right. And this is in written form. Again,
S5: it's a deep question, but it's short and sweet. How
S5: do you deal with bitterness toward a family member? What
S5: do you say?
S6: Well, bitterness is a feeling. It begins with a feeling,
S6: but it also becomes an attitude if you don't deal
S6: with it. Bitterness tends to grow out of hurt. We
S6: feel like we've been wronged, and therefore we have a
S6: sense of anger. We have a sense of bitterness toward
S6: the other person. I think we take it to God.
S6: We say, Lord, you know what I've gone through? You
S6: know how I've been treated. You know the anger that
S6: I feel, you know the bitterness that I feel toward them.
S6: But I recognize I'm not the person to demand justice.
S6: I want to turn them over to you. This is
S6: precisely what Jesus did. Peter said about Jesus when they
S6: reviled against him, he didn't revile back. He committed himself
S6: to the father who knows well, so you commit the
S6: person to God. Certainly conversations with them can be helpful,
S6: but if the conversations lead into arguments or you're condemning
S6: them for how awful they are, that's not going anywhere positive.
S6: So acknowledge your bitterness to God. Acknowledge your anger to God,
S6: their normal feelings. But Lord, I don't want to be
S6: controlled by these emotions. I want to commit them to you.
S6: If there's anything else I can do that would turn
S6: things around, I'm open if you'll bring it to my mind.
S6: But I want to commit them to you. I know
S6: you love them, but I know you're also a just God.
S6: And so I'm turning them over to you. I'm releasing
S6: my anger and my bitterness to you. I want to
S6: live my life in a positive way. Doing something good
S6: and not allow their behavior to control my behavior.
S5: So forgiveness is the kissing cousin to the answer to this,
S5: because you've talked about letting people go, you know, releasing
S5: them in a sense, it sounds like that's the same
S5: kind of process that you go through with your own bitterness.
S6: I think it is. I think you release your bitterness.
S6: You release your anger to God. You're being open and
S6: honest with God. He already knows. But you're saying, I
S6: don't want to be controlled by these emotions. So I
S6: want to release this to you, knowing that you have
S6: the ability to bring justice. If they don't apologize and repent,
S6: or to give forgiveness if they do repent. And I
S6: can forgive them if they ever repent.
S5: Well, before we conclude, here's how you can leave a
S5: question for Doctor Chapman. Just call us at 1866424. Gary,
S5: a question, a comment. We'd love to hear from you. 1-866-424-4279.
S5: And you can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships
S5: online at. Building relationships.us. Our featured resource is titled A
S5: Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, Practical insights. Every
S5: couple needs to thrive. Just go to building Relationships us.
S6: And next week how to restore joy when you feel burdened, broken,
S6: or burned out.
S4: Don't miss a conversation with author and speaker Ashrita ChuChu
S4: in one week. A big thank you to our production team,
S4: Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary
S4: Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with
S4: Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.