WEBVTT - Dear Gary | February 0:00:01.129 --> 0:00:04.970 How do they make all the kids feel included without 0:00:04.970 --> 0:00:06.470 showing favoritism? 0:00:06.500 --> 0:00:09.650 What if I struggle with desiring my wife? 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:11.630 I'm getting to the emotional thing of why I don't 0:00:11.630 --> 0:00:13.760 feel any emotions anymore, and I'm starting to question if 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:15.650 I actually am in a marriage or not. 0:00:18.829 --> 0:00:22.939 Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:22.940 --> 0:00:26.810 the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's 0:00:26.810 --> 0:00:30.110 time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of February, 0:00:30.110 --> 0:00:34.580 featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker. 0:00:34.610 --> 0:00:37.610 We have some written questions for Doctor Chapman today, as 0:00:37.610 --> 0:00:40.790 well as your recorded calls, and let me encourage you 0:00:40.790 --> 0:00:43.129 if you have something going on in your relationships. If 0:00:43.130 --> 0:00:46.489 you're single, you're married, and you have a question or comment, 0:00:46.490 --> 0:00:52.040 call us at 1866424. Gary. And this is not just 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:55.010 a problem line. Maybe there's something that's happened in your 0:00:55.010 --> 0:00:58.820 relationship that went well. Maybe it is because of the 0:00:58.820 --> 0:01:02.080 five love languages and you want to encourage somebody else 0:01:02.080 --> 0:01:05.800 with your experience. So questions, comments, even response to our 0:01:05.800 --> 0:01:13.510 conversation today. Call 1-866-424-4279. 0:01:13.540 --> 0:01:17.020 You know, Chris, I always enjoy these conversations because they 0:01:17.020 --> 0:01:20.470 remind me of what happens during the conferences that I 0:01:20.500 --> 0:01:22.630 lead throughout the country. You know, when people come up 0:01:22.630 --> 0:01:25.360 to me afterwards and and they say, Doc Chapman, we 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:28.240 just want to tell you and they'll tell me their story. 0:01:28.450 --> 0:01:31.690 Many times it is how the five love languages impacted 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:34.960 their marriage 20 years ago. Sometimes, you know, or 15 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:37.930 years ago and how it really saved their marriage and 0:01:37.930 --> 0:01:42.190 turned things around. So I always enjoy calls from people 0:01:42.190 --> 0:01:45.430 who are not just asking questions, but also making comments 0:01:45.430 --> 0:01:49.090 about what they have found helpful, you know, in their relationship. 0:01:49.090 --> 0:01:51.040 And you can find out where Gary is going to 0:01:51.040 --> 0:01:53.800 be in the coming weeks by going to the website 0:01:53.800 --> 0:01:58.690 Building relationships.us. Just click events and you'll see his speaking 0:01:58.720 --> 0:02:03.790 schedule again, building relationships us. And while you're there, click 0:02:03.820 --> 0:02:08.050 the resources tab and you'll find the featured resource for today, 0:02:08.050 --> 0:02:11.170 the book by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A Simple 0:02:11.169 --> 0:02:16.239 Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, practical insights. Every couple 0:02:16.240 --> 0:02:19.330 needs to thrive. And Gary, we're going to have John 0:02:19.330 --> 0:02:21.850 with us, with you in just a few weeks to 0:02:21.880 --> 0:02:23.980 talk about that book. But can you give us an 0:02:23.980 --> 0:02:27.760 overview or maybe one of the quick, practical insights that 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:29.290 I need today? 0:02:29.889 --> 0:02:32.200 Well, you know, Chris, I wrote this book along with 0:02:32.200 --> 0:02:35.860 John because I have the sense that more and more 0:02:35.860 --> 0:02:39.400 in today's culture, people are looking for short chapters in 0:02:39.400 --> 0:02:44.080 books rather than long chapters because everybody's busy. So what 0:02:44.080 --> 0:02:46.600 we're dealing with this book is a lot of topics, 0:02:46.720 --> 0:02:50.079 short chapters on a lot of topics related to various 0:02:50.110 --> 0:02:53.620 aspects of the relationship. You know, one, of course, is 0:02:53.620 --> 0:02:56.080 the whole issue of conflicts. And how do we solve 0:02:56.110 --> 0:02:59.040 conflicts without arguing with each other. How do we process 0:02:59.040 --> 0:03:02.730 our differences? But a lot of different topics. And I'm 0:03:02.730 --> 0:03:05.160 thinking that people are going to find this book not 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:08.670 only readable, but it's also going to help them at 0:03:08.669 --> 0:03:12.180 the end of every chapter, we have specific ideas in 0:03:12.180 --> 0:03:15.329 terms of how you can apply what you've just read 0:03:15.330 --> 0:03:18.750 to your own marriage. So it's a very practical book. 0:03:18.780 --> 0:03:20.910 I'm very excited about it. It sounds. 0:03:20.910 --> 0:03:23.190 Really good. Can't wait to talk with John about that 0:03:23.190 --> 0:03:25.830 as well. It came out earlier this month and if 0:03:25.860 --> 0:03:30.540 you go to Building relationships.us and click resources. You'll see 0:03:30.540 --> 0:03:33.840 that by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A simple guide 0:03:33.840 --> 0:03:38.820 for making marriage better. Go to building relationships.us. All right. 0:03:38.820 --> 0:03:40.800 We're going to start with a written question for you 0:03:40.800 --> 0:03:44.790 this week, Gary. And this is a tough one. Doctor Chapman, 0:03:44.820 --> 0:03:48.420 my wife of 26 years, left me three months ago. 0:03:48.450 --> 0:03:51.210 Only now do I understand that her love language is 0:03:51.240 --> 0:03:54.300 acts of service. Is there any way I can do 0:03:54.330 --> 0:03:58.290 acts of service for her from a different residence than her. 0:03:58.320 --> 0:04:02.280 I am dying inside without her. But she says that 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:05.430 the love is dead. When I told her I read 0:04:05.430 --> 0:04:09.750 your book, though, she seemed interested. Please help Doctor Chapman. 0:04:09.750 --> 0:04:12.720 Any advice you can give me, I will follow. 0:04:13.320 --> 0:04:16.740 Well, I can be empathetic with this caller, of course, 0:04:16.740 --> 0:04:20.040 because I think any time that a spouse chooses to 0:04:20.070 --> 0:04:24.660 leave us and communicate that they don't feel loved by us, 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:30.630 it's devastating. Unfortunately, there are many individuals like this gentleman 0:04:30.630 --> 0:04:34.049 who are really not aware of what's going on, are 0:04:34.050 --> 0:04:37.289 not going on in the mind and heart of their spouse. 0:04:37.620 --> 0:04:40.200 That's why I think the five love languages has been 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:43.680 so helpful to many couples. I'm glad that he's read 0:04:43.680 --> 0:04:46.830 the book. At least he's got the picture now of 0:04:46.830 --> 0:04:50.219 why she feels the way she feels, and if she 0:04:50.250 --> 0:04:52.410 were open to reading the book, which she may or 0:04:52.410 --> 0:04:55.760 may not be. But if she were, I think she 0:04:55.760 --> 0:04:59.060 could look back and realise why she feels the way 0:04:59.060 --> 0:05:02.630 she feels, and she could see that there's hope, because 0:05:02.630 --> 0:05:06.680 we can always learn how to speak love to another 0:05:06.680 --> 0:05:10.580 person in a meaningful way. So if he would feel 0:05:10.580 --> 0:05:12.710 good sharing the copy of the book with her, or 0:05:12.710 --> 0:05:15.020 maybe if she's got another friend who could give her 0:05:15.020 --> 0:05:17.450 a copy of the book could be helpful. I would 0:05:17.450 --> 0:05:19.700 suggest one other book that I've written that I think 0:05:19.700 --> 0:05:23.120 he might find helpful, and that is it's entitled One 0:05:23.120 --> 0:05:26.780 More Try What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart. 0:05:26.930 --> 0:05:29.000 And it would be good for him to read it. 0:05:29.000 --> 0:05:31.400 It'd be good for her to read it. Uh, in 0:05:31.400 --> 0:05:34.460 terms of what else he might do, the fact that 0:05:34.460 --> 0:05:37.370 he's read the book that he's shared with her, that 0:05:37.370 --> 0:05:40.760 he believes her language is acts of service, and he 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:44.150 realizes he has not been good at that. Uh, he 0:05:44.150 --> 0:05:48.710 might ask her, honey, where we are now. What could 0:05:48.710 --> 0:05:51.590 I do that would be helpful to you? What could 0:05:51.589 --> 0:05:54.080 I do that would be meaningful to you? And I 0:05:54.100 --> 0:05:56.980 can't guarantee you know that she's going to say, well, 0:05:56.980 --> 0:05:59.560 you do this, this, this, and I'll come back and 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:03.130 we can reconcile. My guess is this has been going 0:06:03.130 --> 0:06:06.040 on for a long time in her heart and her mind. 0:06:06.040 --> 0:06:10.390 But I think apologizing to her for his failures in 0:06:10.390 --> 0:06:14.380 the past and asking her, what might I do now 0:06:14.380 --> 0:06:16.900 that would be helpful to you at this stage in 0:06:16.900 --> 0:06:21.099 our relationship? That kind of spirit, that kind of attitude, 0:06:21.130 --> 0:06:22.989 I think, is the very best thing you could do 0:06:23.020 --> 0:06:23.980 at this point. 0:06:24.370 --> 0:06:27.729 And any of the resources that we mentioned, pretty much 0:06:27.730 --> 0:06:30.610 all the resources we mentioned are going to be located 0:06:30.610 --> 0:06:33.610 at the website. If you go to Building Relationships, Dot 0:06:33.610 --> 0:06:37.240 us and click resources, you can find that book One 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:40.659 More Try or the Five Love Languages or the next 0:06:40.660 --> 0:06:44.320 book that we might talk about. Our next caller is 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:46.150 a mom with a question I think a lot of 0:06:46.150 --> 0:06:48.310 parents are going to identify with. 0:06:49.150 --> 0:06:53.469 Hi, Gary. I don't know which book I should buy 0:06:53.500 --> 0:06:56.260 my teenager. I don't know if I should just get 0:06:56.260 --> 0:07:00.130 her the regular five love languages. Or do you have 0:07:00.130 --> 0:07:05.050 one for the teens to sort of navigate through their feelings? 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:10.360 Does that help them navigating through understanding their feelings and 0:07:10.360 --> 0:07:14.350 how to talk about it and things of that nature? 0:07:14.380 --> 0:07:17.410 So I don't know if I should get the regular 0:07:17.410 --> 0:07:21.040 five love languages or five love languages for teenagers. And 0:07:21.040 --> 0:07:25.000 you do. Do you have one for girls specifically? But 0:07:25.000 --> 0:07:25.780 thank you. 0:07:26.710 --> 0:07:29.830 I don't have one for girls specifically, but I do 0:07:29.830 --> 0:07:35.350 have one specifically for teenagers. It's entitled A Teens Guide 0:07:35.350 --> 0:07:38.980 to the Five Love Languages, and I have seen many, 0:07:38.980 --> 0:07:42.220 many parents give this book to the teenager. The parent, 0:07:42.220 --> 0:07:45.280 of course, is familiar with the love languages and how 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:49.660 it works in a marriage relationship, but also as a parent. 0:07:49.660 --> 0:07:53.520 If you haven't read The Five Love languages of teenagers. 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:57.000 That book is written to parents of teenagers. So if 0:07:57.030 --> 0:07:59.700 you are reading that book, The Five Love Languages of 0:07:59.700 --> 0:08:03.900 Teenagers and the Teen is reading A Teen's Guide to 0:08:03.930 --> 0:08:07.710 the Five Love Languages, it will open up conversation with 0:08:07.710 --> 0:08:10.890 the two of you about this topic, and I think 0:08:10.920 --> 0:08:14.400 you'll find it to be a real communication stimulator. I 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:16.350 would suggest each of those books. 0:08:16.470 --> 0:08:20.790 A featured resource is a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick, 0:08:20.790 --> 0:08:24.900 practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. Just go to 0:08:24.930 --> 0:08:27.990 building relationships. Dot us and you'll find it right there. 0:08:27.990 --> 0:08:33.960 Building relationships.us. All right Gary, here is a call about 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:35.730 a blended family. 0:08:36.660 --> 0:08:39.929 Hey, Gary. Love your program, for one thing. Got a 0:08:39.929 --> 0:08:44.550 question for you about a blended family? Uh, blended family. 0:08:44.670 --> 0:08:50.010 Husband is a widower, and he has three kids. He 0:08:50.030 --> 0:08:55.969 remarried a woman who is divorced. She has two sons. Okay, 0:08:56.000 --> 0:09:02.059 so blended family, the kids. The ages span from four 0:09:02.120 --> 0:09:10.970 through 12. My question is, are both parents parenting blended family? 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:16.310 How do they make all the kids feel included? All 0:09:16.309 --> 0:09:22.310 the kids feel loved without showing favoritism. How do you 0:09:22.340 --> 0:09:27.439 navigate that, including with all the emotions and the feelings 0:09:27.440 --> 0:09:33.830 that come with, you know, losing one parent through cancer 0:09:33.830 --> 0:09:37.280 and then the other parent was through divorce? How do 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:40.790 you how would a two parents navigate that? Would love 0:09:40.790 --> 0:09:44.090 your advice with that and just thank God for what 0:09:44.090 --> 0:09:44.750 you do. 0:09:45.470 --> 0:09:47.719 Well, Chris, I'm glad to hear this call. I think 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:51.620 there are many, many people who are asking similar questions 0:09:51.620 --> 0:09:55.220 if they're in a blended family. The love languages can 0:09:55.220 --> 0:09:58.610 be very, very helpful in a blended family, but we 0:09:58.610 --> 0:10:02.150 have to recognize just because you know their love language 0:10:02.150 --> 0:10:08.449 doesn't mean that that stepchild will necessarily be super open 0:10:08.450 --> 0:10:10.880 to your speaking their love language, at least in the 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:14.630 beginning stages of the relationship, because they don't have a 0:10:14.630 --> 0:10:19.130 relationship with you yet. They're not emotionally bonded with you yet. 0:10:19.460 --> 0:10:21.650 We discussed this in a lot of other issues in 0:10:21.650 --> 0:10:24.800 a book that I wrote with Ron Diehl. It's entitled 0:10:24.830 --> 0:10:29.479 Building Love Together in Blended Families. I think you would 0:10:29.480 --> 0:10:33.170 find that book extremely helpful. Ron Diehl has worked with 0:10:33.170 --> 0:10:37.670 blended families for 25 years and wrote this book with him. 0:10:37.700 --> 0:10:40.579 I think you're going to find that the insights will 0:10:40.580 --> 0:10:44.660 be very, very helpful in specific answer to your question. 0:10:44.690 --> 0:10:47.959 I would say recognize, first of all, it's going to 0:10:47.960 --> 0:10:53.140 take time for the stepparent to build an emotional bond 0:10:53.140 --> 0:10:57.010 with the stepchildren, but I think it can be done 0:10:57.010 --> 0:10:59.319 and over a period of time it will be done 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:02.199 if you learn how to speak their love language. He 0:11:02.200 --> 0:11:06.010 mentioned ages four through 12, discussing with the children that 0:11:06.010 --> 0:11:09.250 everybody has a love language, even the four year old. 0:11:09.250 --> 0:11:11.920 You can discover a child's language by the time they're 0:11:11.920 --> 0:11:15.370 four years old. Everybody has a love language. So mommy 0:11:15.370 --> 0:11:17.620 has a language. Daddy has a language, and all the 0:11:17.620 --> 0:11:19.900 children have a language. And what we want to learn 0:11:19.900 --> 0:11:23.829 as a family is how to express love to each other. 0:11:23.830 --> 0:11:26.860 Because we love each other. We just want all of 0:11:26.860 --> 0:11:30.130 you to feel loved. And so I think having an 0:11:30.130 --> 0:11:33.520 open discussion like that with the children would be the 0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:38.319 beginning place in building that emotional bond. But I do 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:40.209 think if you work through that book, you'll find a 0:11:40.240 --> 0:11:42.610 lot of other practical ideas as well. 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:43.210 Yes. 0:11:43.210 --> 0:11:45.550 And you can find that at the website. Again, building 0:11:45.550 --> 0:11:49.540 relationships Once you actually click store and you go down, 0:11:49.540 --> 0:11:53.860 you'll see building love together in blended families. Subtitled The 0:11:53.860 --> 0:11:58.809 Five Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart. Again, just go 0:11:58.809 --> 0:12:03.640 to building relationships. Dot us and you can find out more. 0:12:03.670 --> 0:12:07.599 The calls. The questions continue. I don't think we've ever 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:11.230 had this situation in a marriage represented on the program. 0:12:11.230 --> 0:12:12.459 Here's our next call. 0:12:13.480 --> 0:12:16.360 Hi Gary, I'm calling because my husband and I have 0:12:16.360 --> 0:12:19.660 been apart for ten years because he lives in a 0:12:19.660 --> 0:12:24.370 foreign country. I understand he had addictions and he's going 0:12:24.370 --> 0:12:28.059 to 12 step programs and he's like, everything's okay with 0:12:28.059 --> 0:12:35.199 him now. But basically we've been operating financially separately since 2015, 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:38.980 when the government detained him and eventually had to do 0:12:39.010 --> 0:12:43.120 voluntary departure. But we've been financially separated. But he's making 0:12:43.120 --> 0:12:48.929 financial decisions with his family and including adopting two children 0:12:48.929 --> 0:12:53.069 without my permission and not sending any money at all 0:12:53.100 --> 0:12:56.640 to our son, who is his flesh and blood. So 0:12:56.670 --> 0:13:00.449 I am no longer sending him money. I was before, 0:13:00.450 --> 0:13:02.580 but I stopped sending him money when he adopted the 0:13:02.580 --> 0:13:06.090 second child. And now I'm at a point where, uh, 0:13:06.090 --> 0:13:08.820 after being apart from him for ten years, I'm getting 0:13:08.850 --> 0:13:11.040 to the emotional thing of why I don't feel any 0:13:11.040 --> 0:13:13.439 emotions anymore. And I'm starting to question if I actually 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:16.950 am in a marriage or not. It's really confusing me. 0:13:16.980 --> 0:13:19.230 So I'm sure you don't hear that a lot. But 0:13:19.260 --> 0:13:23.280 if you have anything, uh, just let me know. Thank you. Bye. 0:13:23.940 --> 0:13:28.170 Well, this is a very, very difficult situation. I think 0:13:28.170 --> 0:13:31.770 most of us who hear that caller are thinking to ourselves, 0:13:31.770 --> 0:13:38.280 how can that be ten years apart physically with the 0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:42.600 husband in another country required to be. They're not allowed 0:13:42.600 --> 0:13:46.160 to come back, at least at this juncture. So this 0:13:46.160 --> 0:13:49.220 is this is a very unique situation. And I don't 0:13:49.250 --> 0:13:52.580 know all the ins and outs, of course, of the relationship. 0:13:52.580 --> 0:13:56.930 I do find it very strange that he would adopt 0:13:56.929 --> 0:14:03.440 two children in another country while not supporting financially the 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:06.319 child of which he is the father. Now, I don't 0:14:06.350 --> 0:14:10.820 know whether he is involved with another woman. The caller 0:14:10.820 --> 0:14:14.600 doesn't say that. Maybe the caller doesn't know that, but 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:17.990 the fact that he would adopt children lends me to 0:14:18.020 --> 0:14:22.070 think he might be involved with someone else. So I 0:14:22.070 --> 0:14:25.100 just think you're in a very, very difficult situation. And 0:14:25.100 --> 0:14:27.290 I don't know that I have the answer to it, 0:14:27.290 --> 0:14:32.810 but apparently it's not just a matter of being geographically separated, 0:14:32.810 --> 0:14:36.260 but in many other ways you're separated, that is, he's 0:14:36.260 --> 0:14:38.810 not giving you any money to and you're not giving 0:14:38.810 --> 0:14:42.080 him any money. And you say something about him still 0:14:42.080 --> 0:14:46.070 controlling the finances. I don't know how that works. I 0:14:46.070 --> 0:14:48.770 would suggest it would be really helpful for you to 0:14:48.800 --> 0:14:53.600 sit down with a Christian counselor and share the situation fully, 0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:58.340 and work through the various aspects of this relationship, in 0:14:58.340 --> 0:15:01.520 terms of deciding what might be the best approach for 0:15:01.520 --> 0:15:05.690 you to take, because it's a very, very complicated situation. 0:15:05.690 --> 0:15:09.920 And I do think having an outsider help you think 0:15:09.920 --> 0:15:14.780 through all the various aspects of your relationship at this 0:15:14.780 --> 0:15:17.570 juncture would be very, very helpful. 0:15:17.780 --> 0:15:20.480 And I think what you're putting your finger on, Gary, is, 0:15:20.510 --> 0:15:24.710 is what is here, what is the truth in this 0:15:24.710 --> 0:15:27.080 and is there? And there may not be a way 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:30.290 to find that out from him. If he's hiding something, 0:15:30.290 --> 0:15:33.200 he may not be, but and he may be. And 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:35.450 I just wonder if there's somebody, you know, on the 0:15:35.450 --> 0:15:39.350 ground in that other country that she could ask, you know, hey, 0:15:39.350 --> 0:15:42.380 can you tell me what's going on? Or, you know, 0:15:42.700 --> 0:15:45.670 that might not be possible either. She just needs more 0:15:45.670 --> 0:15:49.450 information from him in order to find out. Because I 0:15:49.450 --> 0:15:51.610 found that to be the same thing. You know, if 0:15:51.610 --> 0:15:55.810 he's adopting children, it's like, wait, what is what's really 0:15:55.810 --> 0:15:58.090 going on here? That's the question, right? 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:01.240 Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And whether or not she knows anyone 0:16:01.240 --> 0:16:04.480 in the other country who could share information with her, 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:07.240 I don't know, but it would certainly be valuable if 0:16:07.240 --> 0:16:09.850 she had a contact in that country that could help 0:16:09.850 --> 0:16:10.660 her with that. 0:16:10.690 --> 0:16:11.440 Yeah. 0:16:11.710 --> 0:16:16.510 Well, that's a complex question. Obviously you can't deal with 0:16:16.510 --> 0:16:19.240 everything here on the radio, but these are some of 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:21.550 the things that people are going through. And I'm glad 0:16:21.550 --> 0:16:26.860 you called. 866424 Gary. And you can do the same 0:16:26.860 --> 0:16:30.580 thing like this next caller did in response to a 0:16:30.580 --> 0:16:33.670 program a few months ago about intimacy and marriage. We 0:16:33.670 --> 0:16:37.240 are still getting response from that program that aired last fall. 0:16:37.240 --> 0:16:40.630 This question is from the husband's perspective. 0:16:42.490 --> 0:16:48.430 Hi, Gary. Um, my question is how to show my 0:16:48.430 --> 0:16:53.170 wife that I want her. And what if I struggle 0:16:53.170 --> 0:16:58.000 with desiring my wife to have sexual intercourse with her 0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:00.820 and show her that I desire her? 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:06.250 Well, it's unclear in my mind whether the caller has 0:17:06.250 --> 0:17:09.970 a desire to be sexually intimate with his wife or 0:17:09.970 --> 0:17:14.409 whether he doesn't. A part of me thinks he's saying, 0:17:14.650 --> 0:17:17.830 I don't have that desire. How do I explain that 0:17:17.830 --> 0:17:20.409 to her? I still love her, but I don't want 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:23.200 to have sex with her because that was a part 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:26.470 of the situation that we talked about in another program. 0:17:26.470 --> 0:17:29.530 So I don't know exactly where he's coming from, but 0:17:29.530 --> 0:17:32.050 I think in terms of how do you communicate to 0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:34.570 your wife that you love her, that you want to 0:17:34.570 --> 0:17:38.109 be intimate with her, that you want to have a 0:17:38.109 --> 0:17:43.199 healthy relationship Again. What I suggest, if couples are open, 0:17:43.200 --> 0:17:46.530 is read a book together. And here's what I mean 0:17:46.530 --> 0:17:48.449 by that. Read a chapter. Each of you read the 0:17:48.450 --> 0:17:51.930 same chapter, and then you ask, what can we learn 0:17:51.930 --> 0:17:55.050 from that chapter that might help us? It's working through 0:17:55.080 --> 0:17:57.660 a book, any book, any Christian book on marriage, just 0:17:57.660 --> 0:18:00.869 working through a book on marriage with an outside voice 0:18:00.869 --> 0:18:04.170 that's bringing up different topics. And each of you read 0:18:04.170 --> 0:18:06.240 the same thing and then say, what can we learn 0:18:06.240 --> 0:18:10.260 from that chapter? It's it's it's it's not a quick fix, 0:18:10.260 --> 0:18:13.619 but what it is, it begins to build communication between 0:18:13.619 --> 0:18:17.460 the two of you in which you're talking about real life. 0:18:17.460 --> 0:18:20.280 And that's where changes are made when a couple is 0:18:20.280 --> 0:18:24.000 having open communication. And to me, that's one of the 0:18:24.000 --> 0:18:28.169 easiest ways to start and build positive communication in a 0:18:28.170 --> 0:18:32.670 marriage is by sharing a book together. And I think 0:18:32.700 --> 0:18:35.100 you'll find that helpful. If she's open to that and 0:18:35.100 --> 0:18:37.140 chances are she will be. 0:18:37.350 --> 0:18:41.990 What I picked up from his call was this. I 0:18:41.990 --> 0:18:45.530 used to have a desire, and it's kind of waned. 0:18:45.530 --> 0:18:49.370 And I don't have the same desire anymore. And I 0:18:49.369 --> 0:18:54.200 want to. But I don't know how to make this happen. 0:18:54.230 --> 0:18:57.440 You know, make this everything come together. So the tension 0:18:57.440 --> 0:19:02.149 was more inside of him than really even with his wife. 0:19:02.180 --> 0:19:03.200 Does that make sense? 0:19:03.230 --> 0:19:06.500 Yeah, it does. And that's why I think I wouldn't 0:19:06.500 --> 0:19:08.630 start with that topic, you know, to hitting her over 0:19:08.630 --> 0:19:12.080 the head with that idea. I would start with saying, 0:19:12.109 --> 0:19:14.870 you know, honey, I've been thinking about us and I 0:19:14.869 --> 0:19:17.780 really want us to have a growing marriage, and I 0:19:17.780 --> 0:19:19.879 don't know how you feel about where we are. If 0:19:19.880 --> 0:19:21.929 we had to rate us on a scale of 0 0:19:21.930 --> 0:19:24.560 to 10, how you would rate us. But I just 0:19:24.560 --> 0:19:27.080 want us to have a growing marriage. So would you 0:19:27.109 --> 0:19:30.530 be willing to work through a book with me? And 0:19:30.530 --> 0:19:32.630 let's just read the chapter and you read it. I 0:19:32.630 --> 0:19:34.220 read it, and then we say, what? What can we 0:19:34.220 --> 0:19:36.350 learn from this chapter that would be helpful to us? 0:19:36.380 --> 0:19:40.400 I think starting in that with that more generalized approach, 0:19:40.430 --> 0:19:44.840 rather than bringing up this particular topic with her, because 0:19:44.840 --> 0:19:47.210 I don't know how she's feeling. But eventually, if it's 0:19:47.210 --> 0:19:49.490 a Christian book on marriage, there will be a chapter 0:19:49.490 --> 0:19:53.690 on sexuality. Okay. And you'll get to that. But you 0:19:53.690 --> 0:19:56.630 need to have some conversation about the rest of marriage, 0:19:56.630 --> 0:20:01.310 because that also greatly impacts the sexual aspect of marriage. 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:04.130 Well, thank you for that question. Again. If you want 0:20:04.160 --> 0:20:11.330 to respond to that caller or ask a question yourself. 866424. Gary, 0:20:11.359 --> 0:20:14.330 here's another question. This one is written. Gary I listen 0:20:14.330 --> 0:20:16.670 to Moody Radio. I read today in The Word, which 0:20:16.670 --> 0:20:21.020 is a devotional from Moody. I am 25 months into 0:20:21.050 --> 0:20:23.750 my grief journey, and I would like to know if 0:20:23.750 --> 0:20:28.160 you can suggest any books targeted for widowers. My wife 0:20:28.160 --> 0:20:32.330 and I were married in January of 2017. By October 0:20:32.359 --> 0:20:37.300 of 2018, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in November 0:20:37.330 --> 0:20:41.439 of 2022. She was heaven bound. I miss her touch, 0:20:41.440 --> 0:20:45.310 her singing and laughter, but most of all holding hands 0:20:45.310 --> 0:20:48.040 with our heads bowed in prayer. And I miss her 0:20:48.040 --> 0:20:51.760 reading our nightly devotional. Praying alone and reading my Bible 0:20:51.760 --> 0:20:55.570 just before bed doesn't replace her, but it does help. 0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:58.510 I was a full time caregiver for her, and I 0:20:58.510 --> 0:21:01.630 still volunteer at the cancer center where my wife had 0:21:01.630 --> 0:21:04.629 all her treatments. I wear ugly shirts and hats and 0:21:04.630 --> 0:21:07.960 try to make the person with cancer smile. This is 0:21:07.960 --> 0:21:10.780 a small way for me to say thank you. Any 0:21:10.810 --> 0:21:14.050 help you could give would be appreciated. So what would 0:21:14.050 --> 0:21:17.230 you say to this man? And I think it's interesting. 0:21:17.230 --> 0:21:20.740 He says, I'm 25 months into my grief journey. He's 0:21:20.740 --> 0:21:22.690 counting it down to the month there. 0:21:22.720 --> 0:21:27.100 Yeah. Yeah. Well, you have to be empathetic with this caller. 0:21:27.280 --> 0:21:29.620 The fact that they were only married for, you know, 0:21:29.650 --> 0:21:34.420 a short time, as it were. And then early on, 0:21:34.420 --> 0:21:38.430 after the Wedding. She came down with the cancer, so 0:21:38.430 --> 0:21:40.770 you have to be empathetic with him. What I would 0:21:40.770 --> 0:21:45.420 say is this grief is a journey. There's no magic 0:21:45.420 --> 0:21:49.169 wand waved that you do this, and then the grief 0:21:49.170 --> 0:21:53.070 is over. No. We will always be aware of the 0:21:53.070 --> 0:21:57.600 loss when we lose a spouse. I do think the 0:21:57.600 --> 0:22:01.200 fact that he is reaching out to minister to those 0:22:01.200 --> 0:22:04.800 cancer patients, which he mentioned. I think that's a positive 0:22:04.830 --> 0:22:09.270 thing because he's making a contribution in their lives by 0:22:09.270 --> 0:22:12.090 trying to, you know, have some humor with them and, 0:22:12.119 --> 0:22:15.900 and just expressing interest in them as an individual. So 0:22:15.900 --> 0:22:18.180 I think that's good. I don't know if the caller 0:22:18.180 --> 0:22:21.780 is familiar with grief share, but it's a national Christian 0:22:21.780 --> 0:22:25.710 program all over the country. And there are churches almost 0:22:25.710 --> 0:22:30.120 in every city who has grief share groups. It's about 0:22:30.119 --> 0:22:34.440 a 12 week program can be very, very helpful. In fact, 0:22:34.440 --> 0:22:38.700 I'd suggest our caller may be Google Griefshare. There's those 0:22:38.700 --> 0:22:43.409 two words Griefshare and you'll discover their website and all 0:22:43.410 --> 0:22:46.649 the materials that they have available. And you'll also be 0:22:46.680 --> 0:22:51.510 able to locate a griefshare group that's in your area geographically, 0:22:51.540 --> 0:22:55.949 because there's value in processing grief with other people who 0:22:55.980 --> 0:22:59.220 are going through grief. And that program has been very, 0:22:59.220 --> 0:23:03.510 very helpful to literally thousands and thousands of people who 0:23:03.510 --> 0:23:06.869 are grieving. And it's a very strongly Christian program. So 0:23:06.869 --> 0:23:09.720 that would be my suggestion. And I think there you'll 0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:12.570 find a lot of other help in terms of books 0:23:12.570 --> 0:23:15.060 and articles and that sort of thing that will be 0:23:15.060 --> 0:23:19.140 helpful to you in the process. But the process is 0:23:19.140 --> 0:23:23.100 a process, and it will take time to get back on, 0:23:23.130 --> 0:23:28.020 as it were, level ground emotionally after you've lost a spouse. 0:23:28.020 --> 0:23:30.930 But as I said earlier, it doesn't mean you'll ever 0:23:30.960 --> 0:23:35.270 get over it. We will always miss a person that 0:23:35.270 --> 0:23:38.060 we loved and we vested our lives with. 0:23:38.510 --> 0:23:41.480 I looked at different books and actually wrote him back 0:23:41.480 --> 0:23:45.109 and H. Norm Wright is one of my favorite authors 0:23:45.109 --> 0:23:49.580 on on grief of years gone by. But as I 0:23:49.580 --> 0:23:51.949 was looking at it, I saw that most of the 0:23:51.950 --> 0:23:56.930 material is written more for women than for men. And 0:23:56.930 --> 0:23:59.840 I wanted to ask you, is there do you think 0:23:59.840 --> 0:24:03.080 there's a difference between women and men as far as 0:24:03.109 --> 0:24:05.330 that grief process goes? 0:24:05.480 --> 0:24:09.950 I think it's more individually than it is male or female. 0:24:10.070 --> 0:24:13.970 But you're right that more books are written by widows 0:24:14.000 --> 0:24:20.210 to widows than are written by widowers to widowers. So 0:24:20.210 --> 0:24:23.209 you're exactly right. And that's why I suggest the grief share, 0:24:23.210 --> 0:24:26.750 because they're dealing with men and women who are processing grief. 0:24:31.310 --> 0:24:35.810 You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:24:35.840 --> 0:24:39.439 If you go to our website Building Relationships Us, you'll 0:24:39.440 --> 0:24:42.950 see the latest release from Doctor Gary Chapman and his co-author, 0:24:42.950 --> 0:24:46.580 John Hinckley. It's the book A simple guide for Making 0:24:46.580 --> 0:24:51.380 marriage better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive. 0:24:51.410 --> 0:24:55.879 Just go to building relationships. Dot us. Plus, while you're there, 0:24:55.880 --> 0:24:58.370 find out when Gary might be coming to your area 0:24:58.369 --> 0:25:02.720 for a seminar. Click the events tab at Building Relationships. 0:25:02.720 --> 0:25:03.920 Dot us. 0:25:04.609 --> 0:25:10.460 And don't forget you can ask Gary a question at 1866424. Gary, 0:25:10.490 --> 0:25:12.980 call that number. Leave your message and you may hear 0:25:12.980 --> 0:25:22.250 an answer in a future. Dear Gary broadcast 1-866-424-4279. I 0:25:22.250 --> 0:25:26.840 want you to hear a call that I received, Gary. 0:25:27.080 --> 0:25:31.690 And this voicemail was actually for a different program, Chris 0:25:31.720 --> 0:25:35.140 Fabry Live. But I thought this really fits in with 0:25:35.140 --> 0:25:39.400 building relationships. We had a guest named Jerry Edgar, who 0:25:39.400 --> 0:25:43.659 was paralyzed in a high school football accident in the 1980s, 0:25:43.660 --> 0:25:47.260 and he told his story of the years that his 0:25:47.260 --> 0:25:50.590 wife cared for him, as well as some of his 0:25:50.590 --> 0:25:53.739 friends who came along every day to his home. At 0:25:53.740 --> 0:25:55.600 like 5:00 in the morning, they came and got him 0:25:55.600 --> 0:25:58.510 ready for for work that day. He teaches at a 0:25:58.510 --> 0:26:03.970 school and still does. So the listener heard Jerry's story, 0:26:03.970 --> 0:26:05.950 and then she said this. 0:26:06.700 --> 0:26:09.790 Um, I'm listening to Moody Radio right now with Jerry 0:26:09.790 --> 0:26:13.659 and how inspiring. I was married to my high school 0:26:13.660 --> 0:26:16.930 sweetheart who had a diving accident and broke his neck 0:26:16.930 --> 0:26:21.430 and actually cared for him for 37 years, just lost 0:26:21.430 --> 0:26:24.460 him a few years ago. But I understand where he's 0:26:24.460 --> 0:26:29.500 coming from, where you can find the blessing in the tragedy. 0:26:29.530 --> 0:26:33.270 God has been faithful. Adopted. Two kids have four grandkids. 0:26:33.300 --> 0:26:38.100 Our life was filled with God's blessings from top to bottom. 0:26:38.130 --> 0:26:41.040 He was an amazing man who sought the Lord, and 0:26:41.040 --> 0:26:45.180 he had the same mindset of if that accident hadn't 0:26:45.180 --> 0:26:47.909 happened to him, would he be as close to the 0:26:47.910 --> 0:26:51.720 Lord as he was? And the Lord was faithful in 0:26:51.720 --> 0:26:55.620 strengthening me to the very end. And for those who 0:26:55.619 --> 0:27:01.500 are suffering or have that same, um, tragedy. The Lord 0:27:01.500 --> 0:27:03.720 works through it, and he makes a blessing out of it. 0:27:03.750 --> 0:27:07.770 He's turned everything upside down. And I am very grateful 0:27:07.770 --> 0:27:11.639 for your program, for listening. So have a great day. 0:27:11.670 --> 0:27:12.420 God bless. 0:27:13.140 --> 0:27:16.500 Well, Chris, I'm glad this lady called in response to 0:27:16.530 --> 0:27:20.550 what she heard on your program. Uh, I think anyone 0:27:20.550 --> 0:27:24.780 out there who is caring for a spouse, whether it's 0:27:24.780 --> 0:27:27.119 a wife caring for a husband or a husband, caring 0:27:27.119 --> 0:27:32.189 for a wife who has disabilities of various kinds would 0:27:32.190 --> 0:27:37.950 be encouraged by what this lady just said. 37 years. 0:27:38.070 --> 0:27:42.300 She cared for her husband. They adopted two children in 0:27:42.300 --> 0:27:45.449 the process of all of that. So along with caring 0:27:45.450 --> 0:27:48.450 for him, there were the two children to raise as well. 0:27:48.450 --> 0:27:51.240 And you hear the joy in her heart. You hear 0:27:51.240 --> 0:27:56.310 the satisfaction in how she invested so much of her life, 0:27:56.340 --> 0:27:59.490 you know, in caring for him and how his walk 0:27:59.490 --> 0:28:03.810 with God was encouraging to her. So, you know, I 0:28:03.810 --> 0:28:07.920 think we always question in our minds, at least initially, 0:28:07.920 --> 0:28:10.889 when things like this happen, of why did this happen? 0:28:10.890 --> 0:28:13.379 And why are there people who have to live the 0:28:13.410 --> 0:28:16.050 bulk of their life, you know, with a disability that 0:28:16.050 --> 0:28:20.250 came rather quickly and sometimes early in their life? And 0:28:20.250 --> 0:28:22.590 we don't always have answers to all of that, but 0:28:22.590 --> 0:28:25.800 we are where we are, and God is with us 0:28:25.800 --> 0:28:29.629 wherever we are in our journey, whether we're the one 0:28:29.630 --> 0:28:32.899 who is suffering from the disability. Or whether we're the 0:28:32.900 --> 0:28:37.250 one who's caring for the person who is disabled. Uh, 0:28:37.430 --> 0:28:40.460 we are walking life together, and this happens to be 0:28:40.460 --> 0:28:46.100 our journey and relationship with God, of course, is central 0:28:46.130 --> 0:28:50.120 in walking through a journey like that. Because God is 0:28:50.150 --> 0:28:53.150 with us, whether we're healthy or whether we're not healthy. 0:28:53.150 --> 0:28:58.040 And God has plans for us with whatever limitations we have. 0:28:58.070 --> 0:29:00.800 I remember a dear friend of mine who was bedridden 0:29:00.800 --> 0:29:03.470 for many, many years. He had been a pastor earlier 0:29:03.470 --> 0:29:05.960 in his life, and he was at the place where 0:29:05.960 --> 0:29:08.840 he could hardly move any part of his body. But 0:29:08.840 --> 0:29:12.110 he had a prayer ministry and he prayed. That was 0:29:12.110 --> 0:29:15.710 his ministry. And I would share with him my own 0:29:15.710 --> 0:29:18.920 needs and ask prayer, and other people would share with him. 0:29:18.920 --> 0:29:22.940 So whatever our limitations, there's always a way that God 0:29:22.940 --> 0:29:26.030 wants to use our lives. And whether we're caring for 0:29:26.060 --> 0:29:30.110 that person or whether we're being cared for. The relationship 0:29:30.110 --> 0:29:32.690 with God makes all of life meaningful. 0:29:33.560 --> 0:29:36.140 That word that you just used is the same one 0:29:36.140 --> 0:29:39.200 that I thought of. Joy. There was joy coming from 0:29:39.200 --> 0:29:43.010 her and she didn't go back and lament, you know 0:29:43.040 --> 0:29:46.250 how hard it was. I'm sure it was. Or why 0:29:46.250 --> 0:29:50.300 did this happen? She just was so joyful at being 0:29:50.330 --> 0:29:53.000 able to serve him. The other thing is, she didn't 0:29:53.000 --> 0:29:55.400 call in order to be on the radio. You know, 0:29:55.430 --> 0:29:58.250 she just called to leave that message. But I wanted 0:29:58.250 --> 0:30:02.780 to play that here. Mainly Gary, for somebody who is 0:30:02.780 --> 0:30:08.720 in silence, who's working, who's doing that hard job of caregiving, 0:30:08.720 --> 0:30:13.460 and nobody sees, nobody knows what's going on. Nobody knows 0:30:13.460 --> 0:30:16.430 the the sleepless nights that you've had and the worries 0:30:16.430 --> 0:30:20.450 and the struggles that you're going through. And just hearing 0:30:20.450 --> 0:30:23.630 her voice, I think, is an encouragement to anybody who's 0:30:23.630 --> 0:30:24.740 going through that. 0:30:24.770 --> 0:30:28.300 Yeah, I fully agree with that Chris. It was that. 0:30:28.300 --> 0:30:30.790 Really appreciate her calling and sharing that. 0:30:31.150 --> 0:30:33.729 Well, before we hear our next caller, let me give 0:30:33.730 --> 0:30:39.460 you the number again. I'd love to hear from you. 866424. Gary. 0:30:39.490 --> 0:30:42.040 But I want to let you know that the question 0:30:42.040 --> 0:30:46.120 that you ask or the struggle that you may explain 0:30:46.120 --> 0:30:49.180 here in a phone call, might be the very thing 0:30:49.180 --> 0:30:51.970 that somebody else needs to hear to let them know 0:30:51.970 --> 0:30:55.030 they're not alone. Like our last caller was serving her 0:30:55.030 --> 0:30:57.940 husband for all those years. So don't hold back and 0:30:57.940 --> 0:31:01.720 think that your call is not important or it's too specific. 0:31:01.750 --> 0:31:06.280 This is a grandmother who's in a really difficult situation. 0:31:07.750 --> 0:31:12.130 Um, my phone's gone. Trying to save my family from 0:31:12.130 --> 0:31:15.520 some really dark things. And I'm hanging on. And God 0:31:15.520 --> 0:31:17.890 has given me so much strength. But if people just 0:31:17.890 --> 0:31:22.090 could pray quietly, silently, in their own way at times, 0:31:22.090 --> 0:31:26.790 save my grandson from really ugly situation. We just need prayers. 0:31:27.330 --> 0:31:29.280 My mama always said, if you save the life of 0:31:29.280 --> 0:31:33.150 a child, you save the world. I haven't lost my faith. 0:31:33.180 --> 0:31:37.830 I know there's darkness everywhere. People are so different. But 0:31:37.830 --> 0:31:40.020 that little boy never knew how to pray. Till grandma 0:31:40.020 --> 0:31:44.730 came and he learned to pray. He finally felt happy. 0:31:44.760 --> 0:31:50.280 And then his ugly. Ugly. Took him away. I'm still 0:31:50.280 --> 0:31:55.620 in the home. It's a dangerous situation, but it's under surveillance, 0:31:55.620 --> 0:31:59.070 so to speak. And I'm not leaving. I'm having a 0:31:59.070 --> 0:32:03.090 hard time getting help for my son, and, uh, my 0:32:03.090 --> 0:32:08.100 grandson is my heart. So pray for us. This little boy. 0:32:08.160 --> 0:32:11.430 We need to protect him in so many ways. And 0:32:11.430 --> 0:32:15.510 I don't fear because I will stand with God on 0:32:15.510 --> 0:32:19.170 my back. But I'm tired, and it's a lot of work. 0:32:19.200 --> 0:32:22.320 And if we could just not have those hiccups. Just 0:32:22.320 --> 0:32:24.660 a little bit of extra good luck. Kind of, you know, 0:32:24.690 --> 0:32:27.870 a little good luck. I could really, really use it. 0:32:28.200 --> 0:32:28.890 Thank you. 0:32:30.360 --> 0:32:33.630 You know, Chris, as I hear this grandmother sharing her 0:32:33.630 --> 0:32:37.320 love for her grandson and staying in a very difficult 0:32:37.320 --> 0:32:42.300 situation for his benefit. I'm thinking of scores and scores 0:32:42.300 --> 0:32:47.970 of grandparents across this country who are caring for grandsons 0:32:47.970 --> 0:32:54.120 and granddaughters because of situations where their the biological father 0:32:54.150 --> 0:32:58.110 or mother maybe are incarcerated, or sometimes, of course, they've 0:32:58.110 --> 0:33:02.940 deceased or they're addicted to drugs and that sort of thing. 0:33:02.940 --> 0:33:07.800 And grandmothers are playing a tremendously positive role in the 0:33:07.800 --> 0:33:12.930 lives of those grandchildren. So I really appreciate this lady calling. 0:33:12.930 --> 0:33:17.760 You can feel the pain, the hurt, the difficulty, and 0:33:17.760 --> 0:33:21.150 yet she's so willing to do it because she recognizes 0:33:21.150 --> 0:33:24.890 that she is the one who's having the positive influence 0:33:24.890 --> 0:33:28.130 on that grandson. And as she mentioned, you know, if 0:33:28.160 --> 0:33:31.459 you help a grandson, you help a son, ultimately you're 0:33:31.460 --> 0:33:34.130 going to help the world. And she mentioned that he 0:33:34.160 --> 0:33:36.530 had never prayed. I think she said that she and 0:33:36.530 --> 0:33:39.440 he had never learned to pray until she, you know, 0:33:39.470 --> 0:33:44.420 began to pray with him. So the power of a grandparent, 0:33:44.420 --> 0:33:48.170 whether it's a grandmother or grandfather who's spending time with 0:33:48.170 --> 0:33:52.520 the grandchild, is time well invested. And I think everyone 0:33:52.520 --> 0:33:55.520 who heard this call would want to pray for this grandmother. 0:33:55.520 --> 0:33:59.719 So can we just take a moment and pray? Father, 0:33:59.720 --> 0:34:03.680 thank you for this caller and for scores of others 0:34:03.680 --> 0:34:07.970 across this country who are caring for their grandchildren. Will 0:34:07.970 --> 0:34:12.380 you give them wisdom? Will you give them guidance? Will 0:34:12.380 --> 0:34:15.500 you continue to give them a vision of how important 0:34:15.500 --> 0:34:18.980 their role is in the life of that grandchild? And 0:34:18.980 --> 0:34:21.729 I pray for all those His grandchildren who are being 0:34:21.730 --> 0:34:27.100 raised basically by grandparents. Father, by your spirit. Will you 0:34:27.130 --> 0:34:30.250 draw them to yourself? And in spite of the fact 0:34:30.250 --> 0:34:32.529 that for whatever reason, they haven't had a lot of 0:34:32.530 --> 0:34:38.410 parental help, may they recognize the value of their grandparents, 0:34:38.410 --> 0:34:41.200 and may they come to know you in a personal 0:34:41.200 --> 0:34:44.470 way and go on to invest their lives in a 0:34:44.469 --> 0:34:48.250 meaningful way. In the name of Christ, we pray. Amen. 0:34:49.300 --> 0:34:52.960 Gary, I want to read another question that was written 0:34:52.960 --> 0:34:56.470 to you. He writes, I'm an avid believer in your 0:34:56.469 --> 0:34:59.379 love languages book. The first time I read it, I 0:34:59.380 --> 0:35:03.820 understood it immediately. I'm 54 and I've been married for 0:35:03.820 --> 0:35:07.420 28 years. I love my wife with all my heart, 0:35:07.420 --> 0:35:11.440 but she just dropped a bomb on me earlier this year. Initially, 0:35:11.440 --> 0:35:14.140 she stated she was going through a mid-life crisis and 0:35:14.140 --> 0:35:17.440 didn't love me anymore. It makes me think of chapter 12. 0:35:17.440 --> 0:35:21.970 In your book, she goes from positive to negative almost instantly. 0:35:21.969 --> 0:35:24.910 She has said she needs to fix herself, but we 0:35:24.910 --> 0:35:29.080 will get through this. Most recently, she said that doesn't 0:35:29.080 --> 0:35:33.310 mean getting through it together. She has said she needs space, 0:35:33.310 --> 0:35:37.509 time and patience. Then she said she doesn't know if 0:35:37.510 --> 0:35:40.900 she wants to save the marriage. She has good moments 0:35:40.900 --> 0:35:45.489 to volatile moments. I am trying every day. She's even 0:35:45.489 --> 0:35:48.549 acknowledged I'm trying and sees the effort I'm putting in 0:35:48.580 --> 0:35:52.420 to saving the marriage. She's admitted she isn't really putting 0:35:52.420 --> 0:35:55.899 in any effort. I'm at a loss. She says. She's 0:35:55.900 --> 0:35:59.290 not ready for couples counseling. She's agreed to counseling, but 0:35:59.290 --> 0:36:02.710 wants to wait until she's ready. I see a counselor 0:36:02.710 --> 0:36:06.790 and she sits in actively on my sessions. She has 0:36:06.790 --> 0:36:10.330 stated she has one chance left, but doesn't know if 0:36:10.330 --> 0:36:13.180 she wants to give it to me. There has never 0:36:13.180 --> 0:36:15.640 been abuse in our relationship. I don't know what to 0:36:15.640 --> 0:36:19.800 do or where to go. Thanks for any consideration. 0:36:20.580 --> 0:36:24.780 Well, I'm glad, Chris, that he is getting counseling because 0:36:24.810 --> 0:36:29.490 obviously he's in a very, very frustrating situation. And I 0:36:29.489 --> 0:36:31.920 think the fact that he has taken the initiative to 0:36:31.950 --> 0:36:35.879 reach out and see a counselor himself that is positive. 0:36:36.390 --> 0:36:40.590 The fact that she sits in on those sessions is 0:36:40.590 --> 0:36:43.950 somewhat unusual, but I think a very positive thing that 0:36:43.950 --> 0:36:47.640 she is willing to hear him processing his life and 0:36:47.640 --> 0:36:51.480 his ideas and his struggles and all with with the counselor. 0:36:51.510 --> 0:36:55.860 I think that's a plus. I would hope that she 0:36:55.860 --> 0:36:59.399 would be willing to go for counseling. He indicates that 0:36:59.400 --> 0:37:02.640 she says she is open to that, but it has 0:37:02.640 --> 0:37:05.130 to be on her time schedule and she's not ready 0:37:05.130 --> 0:37:08.969 for that right now. Well, we can't force somebody to 0:37:09.000 --> 0:37:12.360 go to counseling to be sure. I think the fact 0:37:12.360 --> 0:37:16.680 that he is trying, that's a plus, and she's recognizing 0:37:16.680 --> 0:37:19.830 that he is trying. She's not quite sure whether she 0:37:19.830 --> 0:37:22.740 wants to give him an opportunity to work on the 0:37:22.739 --> 0:37:26.850 marriage with him. She's really struggling in that whole area 0:37:26.850 --> 0:37:31.380 and that's why, again, she desperately needs counseling. If I 0:37:31.380 --> 0:37:34.589 could talk with her individually, I would encourage her to 0:37:34.620 --> 0:37:39.060 get counseling. I think another thing I would suggest to 0:37:39.090 --> 0:37:42.630 her is the book I mentioned earlier in our program, 0:37:42.630 --> 0:37:46.080 and that is one more try. What to do when 0:37:46.110 --> 0:37:50.130 your marriage is falling apart? Because in her idea, obviously 0:37:50.130 --> 0:37:53.250 the marriage is in trouble and sometimes people in that 0:37:53.250 --> 0:37:56.910 situation feel like their only option is just to get 0:37:56.910 --> 0:37:59.669 out of the marriage and maybe start over with somebody 0:37:59.670 --> 0:38:02.580 else and it'll be better. Well, we know that's not 0:38:02.580 --> 0:38:05.550 the answer. I mean, the divorce rate in second marriages 0:38:05.550 --> 0:38:08.910 is higher than first marriages. We're going to marry. If 0:38:08.940 --> 0:38:11.160 you do that, you're going to marry a human. And 0:38:11.160 --> 0:38:14.220 they have a history and they have problems. And so 0:38:14.250 --> 0:38:18.140 that's never the answer. The answer always is to look 0:38:18.140 --> 0:38:21.170 to God to give us wisdom on what do we 0:38:21.170 --> 0:38:24.469 do now? We're in trouble. We're in deep trouble. But 0:38:24.469 --> 0:38:26.960 we need help and we want your help. So I 0:38:26.960 --> 0:38:29.030 would encourage her to reach out to God. I don't 0:38:29.060 --> 0:38:32.330 know if she's a Christian or not, but even non-Christians 0:38:32.330 --> 0:38:36.200 can begin a relationship with God that can transform their lives. 0:38:36.290 --> 0:38:39.080 So I would just encourage him not to give up 0:38:39.080 --> 0:38:42.200 himself if she were open to reading the book. One 0:38:42.200 --> 0:38:45.260 more try. I would certainly think that God could use 0:38:45.260 --> 0:38:49.640 that to help her see the possibility that real changes 0:38:49.640 --> 0:38:52.340 can be made. And I think the fact that he 0:38:52.340 --> 0:38:55.760 has an open heart to this is a plus. So 0:38:55.760 --> 0:38:58.609 I would just say to him, don't give up. Continue 0:38:58.640 --> 0:39:01.610 your efforts to reach out, to express love to her 0:39:01.640 --> 0:39:04.489 that you care for her, that you want to help 0:39:04.489 --> 0:39:08.210 her walk through what she's struggling with, and that you 0:39:08.210 --> 0:39:12.799 want to be the husband that she longs for, and 0:39:12.800 --> 0:39:15.250 that you believe you can be that with the help 0:39:15.250 --> 0:39:16.060 of God. 0:39:16.719 --> 0:39:19.870 Let me follow up. At the risk of being misunderstood here. 0:39:19.900 --> 0:39:23.739 Gary and you correct me if I'm wrong for even 0:39:23.770 --> 0:39:26.920 asking the question, but I pick up a little bit 0:39:26.920 --> 0:39:32.799 in the the question. This idea that he's I'm trying 0:39:32.800 --> 0:39:35.500 really hard and if I just try a little bit harder, 0:39:35.530 --> 0:39:37.299 you know, I'm going to I'm going to turn this 0:39:37.300 --> 0:39:41.350 thing around by myself or my love for her. If 0:39:41.350 --> 0:39:44.050 I just pour out love, love, love, then she's going 0:39:44.080 --> 0:39:47.529 to respond to this. And so my question is, is 0:39:47.530 --> 0:39:50.469 there anything that he can do that is a that 0:39:50.469 --> 0:39:53.980 is a mistake in the relationship of being I don't 0:39:53.980 --> 0:39:57.310 want to. The word needy is is the word that 0:39:57.310 --> 0:40:00.279 comes to mind. And that's not the right word. But 0:40:00.280 --> 0:40:03.400 kind of you have to you can't go. You've got 0:40:03.400 --> 0:40:06.520 to stay. You've got to be in this. If if 0:40:06.520 --> 0:40:12.910 he presents that rather than rather than strength to her saying, look, 0:40:12.910 --> 0:40:17.200 I love you no matter what you decide here. And 0:40:17.200 --> 0:40:20.200 I am here for you. And when he shows her 0:40:20.200 --> 0:40:25.060 that kind of strength, is there something from that that 0:40:25.239 --> 0:40:27.549 that she really might need? 0:40:28.090 --> 0:40:32.500 Well, I think so. I think, you know, this concept 0:40:32.500 --> 0:40:36.160 of him, like, as it were, begging her. Yes. You know, 0:40:36.190 --> 0:40:38.980 we don't get very far with that, that approach because 0:40:38.980 --> 0:40:42.219 it shows weakness. You know, I'm desperately in need of you. 0:40:42.219 --> 0:40:45.850 I desperately have to have you. Uh, that doesn't do 0:40:45.880 --> 0:40:49.240 much for the other person. It appears to me that 0:40:49.239 --> 0:40:52.510 she has felt neglected through the years, and that she 0:40:52.510 --> 0:40:55.630 has not felt loved by him. And now his efforts 0:40:55.630 --> 0:40:58.030 to reach out and try to show her that he 0:40:58.030 --> 0:41:01.720 loves her. And, you know, she she's just not sure 0:41:01.719 --> 0:41:04.450 that it's going to make any difference in the long run. 0:41:04.450 --> 0:41:08.440 That's why I think him simply apologizing for failures in 0:41:08.440 --> 0:41:12.730 the past and letting her know I'm with you. I 0:41:12.780 --> 0:41:15.900 want to do everything I can to help you process this, 0:41:15.900 --> 0:41:18.930 whether it's with me or without me. I want you 0:41:18.930 --> 0:41:21.780 to be a healthy person. And that's why I would 0:41:21.780 --> 0:41:25.470 encourage you to get counseling. Because I believe that God 0:41:25.469 --> 0:41:28.739 wants you to have a meaningful life. If I can 0:41:28.739 --> 0:41:31.200 be a part of that, that's what I certainly would like. 0:41:31.200 --> 0:41:34.230 But I want you to get the help you need 0:41:34.260 --> 0:41:37.170 to be the person you believe God wants you to be. 0:41:37.200 --> 0:41:39.779 I think that approach is much more positive. 0:41:39.810 --> 0:41:40.440 Yes. 0:41:40.440 --> 0:41:44.610 And and him going for counseling, that is a very 0:41:44.640 --> 0:41:46.200 a lot of people say, well, that's a weak thing 0:41:46.230 --> 0:41:48.930 to do. I say, no, that is one of the 0:41:48.930 --> 0:41:53.370 strongest courageous things you can do to work on yourself. 0:41:53.370 --> 0:41:56.759 And I found it interesting as well. As you pointed out, 0:41:56.760 --> 0:42:01.020 it's a little different to see that she's sitting in, 0:42:01.050 --> 0:42:04.680 you know, on that whole thing. Um, but but that 0:42:04.680 --> 0:42:07.980 he's getting the counseling, I think is a really strong 0:42:08.010 --> 0:42:09.779 thing for him to do, don't you? 0:42:09.989 --> 0:42:14.030 Absolutely, Chris, because it says, I'm serious about this. I 0:42:14.030 --> 0:42:18.140 recognize I'm not perfect. I want to grow. I want 0:42:18.170 --> 0:42:19.759 to find out what I can do to be a 0:42:19.760 --> 0:42:20.840 different person. 0:42:21.710 --> 0:42:25.100 All right, Gary, we have time for one question from 0:42:25.100 --> 0:42:29.390 start marriage. Right. And this is in written form. Again, 0:42:29.420 --> 0:42:33.350 it's a deep question, but it's short and sweet. How 0:42:33.350 --> 0:42:36.950 do you deal with bitterness toward a family member? What 0:42:36.950 --> 0:42:37.760 do you say? 0:42:38.239 --> 0:42:42.230 Well, bitterness is a feeling. It begins with a feeling, 0:42:42.230 --> 0:42:44.959 but it also becomes an attitude if you don't deal 0:42:44.960 --> 0:42:48.740 with it. Bitterness tends to grow out of hurt. We 0:42:48.739 --> 0:42:52.670 feel like we've been wronged, and therefore we have a 0:42:52.670 --> 0:42:55.520 sense of anger. We have a sense of bitterness toward 0:42:55.520 --> 0:42:58.489 the other person. I think we take it to God. 0:42:58.489 --> 0:43:01.580 We say, Lord, you know what I've gone through? You 0:43:01.610 --> 0:43:04.640 know how I've been treated. You know the anger that 0:43:04.640 --> 0:43:08.450 I feel, you know the bitterness that I feel toward them. 0:43:08.450 --> 0:43:13.040 But I recognize I'm not the person to demand justice. 0:43:13.370 --> 0:43:16.400 I want to turn them over to you. This is 0:43:16.400 --> 0:43:19.850 precisely what Jesus did. Peter said about Jesus when they 0:43:19.850 --> 0:43:24.380 reviled against him, he didn't revile back. He committed himself 0:43:24.380 --> 0:43:28.130 to the father who knows well, so you commit the 0:43:28.130 --> 0:43:32.600 person to God. Certainly conversations with them can be helpful, 0:43:32.600 --> 0:43:36.770 but if the conversations lead into arguments or you're condemning 0:43:36.770 --> 0:43:40.910 them for how awful they are, that's not going anywhere positive. 0:43:40.940 --> 0:43:44.870 So acknowledge your bitterness to God. Acknowledge your anger to God, 0:43:44.870 --> 0:43:47.840 their normal feelings. But Lord, I don't want to be 0:43:47.840 --> 0:43:51.770 controlled by these emotions. I want to commit them to you. 0:43:51.770 --> 0:43:54.080 If there's anything else I can do that would turn 0:43:54.110 --> 0:43:56.899 things around, I'm open if you'll bring it to my mind. 0:43:56.900 --> 0:43:59.479 But I want to commit them to you. I know 0:43:59.480 --> 0:44:02.480 you love them, but I know you're also a just God. 0:44:02.480 --> 0:44:05.270 And so I'm turning them over to you. I'm releasing 0:44:05.270 --> 0:44:07.970 my anger and my bitterness to you. I want to 0:44:07.969 --> 0:44:10.930 live my life in a positive way. Doing something good 0:44:10.930 --> 0:44:15.460 and not allow their behavior to control my behavior. 0:44:15.940 --> 0:44:20.140 So forgiveness is the kissing cousin to the answer to this, 0:44:20.140 --> 0:44:24.580 because you've talked about letting people go, you know, releasing 0:44:24.580 --> 0:44:28.090 them in a sense, it sounds like that's the same 0:44:28.090 --> 0:44:30.940 kind of process that you go through with your own bitterness. 0:44:30.940 --> 0:44:33.580 I think it is. I think you release your bitterness. 0:44:33.610 --> 0:44:36.310 You release your anger to God. You're being open and 0:44:36.340 --> 0:44:39.340 honest with God. He already knows. But you're saying, I 0:44:39.340 --> 0:44:42.370 don't want to be controlled by these emotions. So I 0:44:42.370 --> 0:44:46.299 want to release this to you, knowing that you have 0:44:46.300 --> 0:44:50.500 the ability to bring justice. If they don't apologize and repent, 0:44:50.500 --> 0:44:53.200 or to give forgiveness if they do repent. And I 0:44:53.200 --> 0:44:55.480 can forgive them if they ever repent. 0:44:56.680 --> 0:44:59.320 Well, before we conclude, here's how you can leave a 0:44:59.320 --> 0:45:04.870 question for Doctor Chapman. Just call us at 1866424. Gary, 0:45:04.900 --> 0:45:12.910 a question, a comment. We'd love to hear from you. 1-866-424-4279. 0:45:12.910 --> 0:45:15.940 And you can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships 0:45:15.940 --> 0:45:21.190 online at. Building relationships.us. Our featured resource is titled A 0:45:21.190 --> 0:45:25.300 Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, Practical insights. Every 0:45:25.300 --> 0:45:29.860 couple needs to thrive. Just go to building Relationships us. 0:45:30.160 --> 0:45:35.680 And next week how to restore joy when you feel burdened, broken, 0:45:35.680 --> 0:45:37.030 or burned out. 0:45:37.060 --> 0:45:41.050 Don't miss a conversation with author and speaker Ashrita ChuChu 0:45:41.050 --> 0:45:44.319 in one week. A big thank you to our production team, 0:45:44.320 --> 0:45:48.520 Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary 0:45:48.520 --> 0:45:51.879 Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with 0:45:51.910 --> 0:45:56.800 Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.