1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,400 S1: Hi friends, this is Janet Parshall. Thanks so much for 2 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:05,160 S1: downloading this podcast, and I hope you hear something that 3 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,560 S1: will really encourage and edify you. But before you start 4 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:09,400 S1: to listen, let me take a moment of your time 5 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,399 S1: and tell you about this month's truth tool. It's called 6 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,640 S1: secure How to Have a Healthy Attachment to God. And 7 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,360 S1: it follows that very often, whatever our relationship is like 8 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:21,000 S1: with authority figures predominantly our parents, we somehow transferred to 9 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:23,000 S1: how we see God. So if we have an angry parent, 10 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:25,319 S1: he's an angry God. If it's a distant parent, he's 11 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,520 S1: a God who's not there. I think it's important we 12 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,680 S1: understand who God really is. And in this wonderful book 13 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:33,760 S1: called secure, you're going to discover the character of God 14 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:37,120 S1: and how deeply in love God is with you. It's 15 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,839 S1: our truth tool. Our truth tools are my way of 16 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,680 S1: saying thank you because we are listener supported radio. So 17 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:45,600 S1: if you'd like a copy of secure, just call eight 7758. 18 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,760 S1: That's eight 7758. Give a gift of any amount. My 19 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,840 S1: way of saying thank you for supporting the program is 20 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,000 S1: I'll send you a copy of secure. You can also 21 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,560 S1: do this online at in the Market with Janet. Scroll 22 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,720 S1: to the bottom of the page. There's the cover of 23 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:02,280 S1: the book secure. Click on the photo. Go right on through. 24 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,520 S1: Make your donation and we'll send you a copy again 25 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:07,520 S1: of secure. If you want to consider becoming a partial partner, 26 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,520 S1: that is the ever increasing circle of friends who give 27 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,000 S1: every single month at a level of their own choosing. 28 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,200 S1: And my way of saying thank you is this you 29 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,479 S1: always get the truth tool for each and every month. 30 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,080 S1: And in addition to that, you get a weekly newsletter 31 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,479 S1: that includes some of my writing and a little audio 32 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,080 S1: piece just for my partial partners. So either way, thank 33 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,679 S1: you in advance for prayerfully considering the opportunity to financially 34 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,320 S1: support in the market with Janet partial and keeping it 35 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:33,360 S1: on the air now, I hope you hear something that 36 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,160 S1: will encourage you to get out and influence and occupy 37 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,839 S1: in the marketplace of ideas. 38 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,880 S2: Here are some of the news headlines we're watching. 39 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,520 S3: The conference was over. The president won a pledge. 40 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,679 S4: Americans worshiping government over God. 41 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,360 S5: Extremely rare safety move by MH 17 years. 42 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,440 S6: The Palestinians and Israelis negotiated. 43 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:55,320 S5: An agreement. 44 00:02:07,770 --> 00:02:10,330 S1: Hi, friends. Welcome to In the Market with Janet partial. 45 00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:13,169 S1: Thank you so much for spending the hour with me. Okay. 46 00:02:13,169 --> 00:02:16,090 S1: Raise your hand if you can say in some way, 47 00:02:16,130 --> 00:02:20,609 S1: shape or form your understanding of the five love languages 48 00:02:20,610 --> 00:02:23,730 S1: as taught to us by Doctor Gary Chapman has had 49 00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:27,730 S1: an impact on your marriage. Oh, wow. Look at that. 50 00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:30,490 S1: Hands all the way from Guam over there to the 51 00:02:30,490 --> 00:02:32,810 S1: Cayman Islands over there in a boatload of places in 52 00:02:32,810 --> 00:02:36,369 S1: between my hands up to. I just love understanding that 53 00:02:36,370 --> 00:02:38,450 S1: we each have a way in which we like to 54 00:02:38,490 --> 00:02:41,650 S1: be told that we're loved, and likewise, how we tell 55 00:02:41,690 --> 00:02:44,690 S1: others that they are loved. But, you know, when you 56 00:02:44,690 --> 00:02:47,210 S1: think about this, even though there's five love languages and 57 00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:50,510 S1: it's brilliant, and Doctor Chapman has helped, more than 150 58 00:02:50,510 --> 00:02:55,730 S1: million people discover their love language. I think it's so 59 00:02:55,730 --> 00:02:58,410 S1: cool that you can even be watching a secular movie 60 00:02:58,410 --> 00:03:00,290 S1: and someone will throw out a line. Well, that's your 61 00:03:00,290 --> 00:03:03,130 S1: love language. And I go. Hat tip to Doctor Gary Chapman. 62 00:03:03,169 --> 00:03:06,290 S1: I mean, he really has changed the world with this conversation, 63 00:03:06,290 --> 00:03:10,090 S1: which I think is great, but he has discovered also 64 00:03:10,130 --> 00:03:13,330 S1: that like in any language, we have dialects. Do you 65 00:03:13,330 --> 00:03:15,810 S1: know what a dialect is? Well, it's a noun. And 66 00:03:15,810 --> 00:03:17,609 S1: if you look it up in the Oxford Dictionary, it's 67 00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:20,810 S1: defined as a particular form of a language which is 68 00:03:20,810 --> 00:03:25,609 S1: peculiar to a specific region or social group. What if 69 00:03:25,610 --> 00:03:27,649 S1: we took that last part of the definition and tweaked 70 00:03:27,650 --> 00:03:30,090 S1: it just a little bit and said a particular form 71 00:03:30,090 --> 00:03:35,450 S1: of a language which is peculiar to a particular love language? 72 00:03:35,970 --> 00:03:37,810 S1: Now think about that a little bit. In other words, 73 00:03:37,810 --> 00:03:40,770 S1: we understand those five languages best about. All of us 74 00:03:40,770 --> 00:03:43,170 S1: have taken the test to discover what our love language is, 75 00:03:43,170 --> 00:03:44,890 S1: how we say it, how we like to be loved. 76 00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:48,090 S1: But there are nuances. There are dialects in the way 77 00:03:48,090 --> 00:03:51,250 S1: in which we transmit that, and it's just going to 78 00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:54,170 S1: take those five love languages, everything we know and understand 79 00:03:54,170 --> 00:03:58,260 S1: about them and make it even more purposeful and impactful. 80 00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:00,300 S1: And guess what? Who do you think is going to 81 00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,660 S1: be our guest this hour? Yes. The man behind the 82 00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:05,980 S1: five love languages, Doctor Gary Chapman, is with us. He 83 00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:08,340 S1: is such a marvelous man. I just appreciate him. He 84 00:04:08,340 --> 00:04:11,220 S1: loves the Lord. He loves people. He is the number 85 00:04:11,220 --> 00:04:14,740 S1: one best selling author of the Five Love Languages series. 86 00:04:14,740 --> 00:04:17,060 S1: There's not just one book, by the way, and director 87 00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:20,100 S1: of Marriage and Family Life Consultants. He travels the world 88 00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:23,260 S1: presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than 89 00:04:23,260 --> 00:04:28,060 S1: 400 stations all across the country. So he and Dear 90 00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:31,140 S1: Les and Leslie Parrott, Doctors Les and Leslie Parrott co-authored 91 00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:34,020 S1: a brand new book called The Love Language That Matters 92 00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:39,820 S1: Most How to Personalize Love so that it really feels it. Now, 93 00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:42,660 S1: today I'm just talking to Doctor Gary Chapman, but you 94 00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:44,620 S1: can read the book and you can see the contributions 95 00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:47,020 S1: that the parents made as well. It's wonderful, but I 96 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,780 S1: think it's an opportunity for us to dig a little 97 00:04:48,820 --> 00:04:52,779 S1: bit deeper and understand the dialectic part of our love language. 98 00:04:52,779 --> 00:04:55,860 S1: Doctor Chapman, the warmest of welcomes. I am thrilled you're here. 99 00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:57,940 S1: I got a whole hour with you. I'm charmed by that. 100 00:04:57,940 --> 00:05:00,380 S1: Thank you so much. And I just have to ask you, 101 00:05:00,420 --> 00:05:03,400 S1: after doing this for oh so many years and 150 102 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,300 S1: million being helped, you know, there's an old adage that said, 103 00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:08,260 S1: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Why would you 104 00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:10,380 S1: move forward now and get into dialects? 105 00:05:11,660 --> 00:05:14,220 S7: Well, let me say, first of all, thank you for 106 00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:16,779 S7: inviting me to be on the program. I always enjoy 107 00:05:16,779 --> 00:05:20,700 S7: our time together. Uh, one of the questions that people 108 00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:23,100 S7: have asked me through the years, you know, the original 109 00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:26,339 S7: book's been out now over 30 years, but people have 110 00:05:26,339 --> 00:05:28,980 S7: asked me, you know, they say in your book, you 111 00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:33,060 S7: mentioned that these languages have dialects, but you don't tell 112 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:37,940 S7: us you know anything about what they are. That's one question. 113 00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:41,700 S7: The other question is, uh, you mentioned in that original 114 00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:47,820 S7: book that your personality somehow interfaces with your, uh, love language, 115 00:05:48,220 --> 00:05:51,900 S7: but you don't explain that. Well, this book is designed 116 00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:54,430 S7: to answer those two questions that I've heard over and 117 00:05:54,430 --> 00:05:58,349 S7: over through the years. Uh, because in this book we 118 00:05:58,350 --> 00:06:02,990 S7: spell out the dialects of these languages, uh, not necessarily 119 00:06:02,990 --> 00:06:05,110 S7: all of them, but we're giving you really the the 120 00:06:05,110 --> 00:06:09,030 S7: more common dialects of these languages and less and Leslie 121 00:06:09,029 --> 00:06:12,510 S7: Perry were just great people to, to team up with 122 00:06:12,550 --> 00:06:15,070 S7: to write this book, as you well know, they're both 123 00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:18,150 S7: just super, super people and have spent many years now 124 00:06:18,150 --> 00:06:21,430 S7: helping people with marriages. So I am really excited about 125 00:06:21,430 --> 00:06:24,469 S7: the book. And, uh, I think when people who have 126 00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:27,510 S7: read the original book, uh, read this one, they're going 127 00:06:27,550 --> 00:06:32,110 S7: to say, oh yeah, this makes sense, and they're going 128 00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:36,150 S7: to find that they're going to be more effective in communicating, uh, 129 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:39,670 S7: the primary love language of the other person, because they're 130 00:06:39,670 --> 00:06:42,150 S7: going to be speaking not only the language, but the 131 00:06:42,150 --> 00:06:45,790 S7: dialect or the dialects that are most important to them. 132 00:06:45,830 --> 00:06:48,590 S1: Yes. Well, as consumer, let me just say thank you, 133 00:06:48,589 --> 00:06:51,110 S1: because I love the fact that what you're doing is 134 00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:53,630 S1: really Nuancing this a little bit where you can say, 135 00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:56,110 S1: I know what my love language is, but I'm just 136 00:06:56,110 --> 00:06:59,710 S1: not feeling it in return. And and that is and 137 00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:01,710 S1: you use this phrase and I think it's so apt 138 00:07:01,750 --> 00:07:04,390 S1: that's lost in translation. And that's really what this is, 139 00:07:04,430 --> 00:07:07,310 S1: is about fine tuning the translation, the transmission of you, 140 00:07:07,310 --> 00:07:09,230 S1: if you will, of the love language. Let me just 141 00:07:09,230 --> 00:07:12,430 S1: point out also that in a very ordered fashion you 142 00:07:12,430 --> 00:07:15,470 S1: write part one is the problem, part two the solution, 143 00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:19,190 S1: part three is the tactics. It's hands on pragmatics. And 144 00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:21,150 S1: I also, as a consumer, thank you for the way 145 00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:23,630 S1: in which that you've you've done that because this is 146 00:07:23,630 --> 00:07:25,790 S1: an obtainable skill. And that's what I want. And I 147 00:07:25,790 --> 00:07:28,030 S1: think that's what the readers will take away as well. 148 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:30,070 S1: So I love the way you start the book, because 149 00:07:30,070 --> 00:07:32,630 S1: you really and truly give lots of examples about what 150 00:07:32,630 --> 00:07:35,590 S1: this means to be lost in translation. So give us 151 00:07:35,590 --> 00:07:38,510 S1: an example. In fact, you talk about how really the 152 00:07:38,510 --> 00:07:41,350 S1: whole birthed idea of the five love languages came about 153 00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:43,590 S1: with people that were really in love with each other, 154 00:07:43,590 --> 00:07:45,670 S1: but they just were missing it when they were talking 155 00:07:45,710 --> 00:07:48,230 S1: to each other. Hadn't identified the love language God used 156 00:07:48,230 --> 00:07:51,190 S1: that and other experiences in your life as a catalyst 157 00:07:51,230 --> 00:07:53,870 S1: to develop this whole concept of the five love languages. 158 00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:56,869 S1: But when did you begin to realize that we are 159 00:07:56,870 --> 00:07:59,630 S1: somehow missing it? We might recognize, take the test, know 160 00:07:59,630 --> 00:08:02,950 S1: which one of the five we are. But somehow you think, well, 161 00:08:02,990 --> 00:08:05,910 S1: wait a minute. He gave me quality time, but I'm 162 00:08:05,910 --> 00:08:08,830 S1: still not feeling loved. Or I gave her acts of service, 163 00:08:08,830 --> 00:08:11,110 S1: but she doesn't seem like she's feeling love at all 164 00:08:11,110 --> 00:08:11,750 S1: from that. 165 00:08:12,390 --> 00:08:15,550 S7: Yeah. I think one of the reasons that we're missing 166 00:08:15,590 --> 00:08:19,310 S7: translation is because we speak the right language, but for 167 00:08:19,310 --> 00:08:23,510 S7: the wrong reasons. Mhm. And that is we're speaking there. 168 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,630 S7: I've had people say, you know doctor, chairman, we read 169 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,830 S7: the book and we took the quiz and I've been 170 00:08:27,830 --> 00:08:30,150 S7: speaking their language for three weeks. But, but they're not 171 00:08:30,150 --> 00:08:33,310 S7: speaking mine. I said well now wait just a minute. 172 00:08:33,790 --> 00:08:38,110 S7: You're telling me that you're speaking their language so that 173 00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:41,750 S7: they will speak your language, right? Well, yes. Yes, yes. 174 00:08:42,030 --> 00:08:46,030 S7: I said that's manipulation. You're just trying to manipulate them. 175 00:08:46,270 --> 00:08:50,160 S7: Your motivation is is not the right motivation. You see, 176 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:54,480 S7: the attitude of love is I want to enrich your life. 177 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,360 S7: And that's why in this title, the love language that 178 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:01,040 S7: matters most is the love language of your partner or 179 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,720 S7: the other person, not you. 180 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,120 S1: Exactly, exactly. Oh, what a great way to start the conversation. 181 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,160 S1: So when we come back, let's talk more about this section. 182 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:10,960 S1: I want to identify the problem so you all can 183 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:14,480 S1: understand what the primary idea behind this newest book is 184 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,559 S1: really and truly about getting lost in translation. We're going 185 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:19,480 S1: to talk about tanks when we come back. How about 186 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,199 S1: a love tank conversation? Hang around. The book is called 187 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,640 S1: the Love Language that Matters Most is Doctor Gary Chapman 188 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:28,280 S1: Just Said, subtitled How to Personalize Love. So they really 189 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,520 S1: feel it. It is about the other person. We're going 190 00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:50,920 S1: to learn more with Doctor Chapman right after this. The 191 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,600 S1: way we related to authority figures growing up often shapes 192 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,280 S1: how we relate to God. So if you grew up 193 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,040 S1: with a critical or disengaged parent, you might think God 194 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,839 S1: is demanding or distant. And that's why I've chosen secure 195 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,880 S1: how to have a healthy attachment to God as this 196 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,600 S1: month's truth tool. Learn to know the true character of 197 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,080 S1: our Heavenly Father. As for your copy of secure, when 198 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,920 S1: you give a gift of any amount to in the market, 199 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:14,760 S1: call 87758. That's 877858 or go to in the market 200 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:19,520 S1: with Janet. What a joy to spend the hour with 201 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:23,240 S1: Doctor Gary Chapman, who's an author, speaker and counselor that 202 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,439 S1: has a real passion for people and for helping them 203 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:29,720 S1: form lasting relationships. He is the five love languages, so 204 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,120 S1: this much anticipated book is now out. It's called the 205 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:35,559 S1: Love Language that Matters most. And that's the other person's, 206 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:38,359 S1: by the way, how to personalize love so they really 207 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,600 S1: feel it again. Book divided into three segments the problem, 208 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,760 S1: the solution and the tactics. And I want to linger 209 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,679 S1: a bit longer in the problem area because we're not 210 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,890 S1: going to want to figure out what the solution is 211 00:10:48,929 --> 00:10:50,690 S1: and how to put that solution in place with the 212 00:10:50,690 --> 00:10:53,490 S1: proper tactics if we can't identify the problem in the 213 00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:55,610 S1: first place. So this would be a good place, I think, 214 00:10:55,610 --> 00:10:57,890 S1: to talk about tanks. Not your gas tank, but your 215 00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:00,050 S1: love tank. Talk to me about that and how that 216 00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:02,890 S1: plays into this most important love language. 217 00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:07,689 S7: Well, I use that metaphor because if a gasoline tank 218 00:11:07,730 --> 00:11:10,650 S7: in a car is full, you can drive a long ways, 219 00:11:10,850 --> 00:11:13,450 S7: but if it's near empty, you better be looking for 220 00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:17,170 S7: a gas station. And so I'm saying we have a 221 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:20,730 S7: love tank, whether we're married or single, young or old, 222 00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:24,130 S7: we have a love tank. And that means, first of all, 223 00:11:24,130 --> 00:11:26,930 S7: it requires the right kind of fuel. You don't put 224 00:11:26,929 --> 00:11:30,650 S7: diesel fuel in a car that's run by gasoline. And 225 00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:32,650 S7: this is where the love language comes in. You've got 226 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:36,530 S7: to have the right kind of fuel speaking the primary 227 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:41,250 S7: love language, and also in the dialect that's meaningful for them. 228 00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:45,410 S7: Because this this is why sometimes we're speaking the language, 229 00:11:45,410 --> 00:11:48,130 S7: but we're doing it in a way that we think, 230 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,810 S7: if that was my language, this is what I would like, 231 00:11:51,290 --> 00:11:53,570 S7: but it may not be what they would like. It's 232 00:11:53,570 --> 00:11:56,650 S7: not their dialect. And that's why I think this book 233 00:11:56,650 --> 00:12:00,530 S7: is going to help people to discover the dialect of 234 00:12:00,530 --> 00:12:04,170 S7: your spouse so that you're now communicate not in the 235 00:12:04,170 --> 00:12:07,890 S7: right language, but also in the right dialect. So it's 236 00:12:07,890 --> 00:12:10,250 S7: important to keep the love tank full. The other concept 237 00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:12,890 S7: in the Love Tank is that, uh, people I think 238 00:12:12,890 --> 00:12:15,450 S7: have different size of love tanks. Some people have a 239 00:12:15,450 --> 00:12:18,569 S7: large love tank, some have a small. And by that 240 00:12:18,570 --> 00:12:21,170 S7: I mean, if you grew up in a nurturing family 241 00:12:21,170 --> 00:12:24,090 S7: and you really felt loved growing up, you have probably 242 00:12:24,090 --> 00:12:27,089 S7: have a large love tank. So you you speak their 243 00:12:27,090 --> 00:12:29,130 S7: language and you don't have to do it every single 244 00:12:29,130 --> 00:12:33,170 S7: day because they it stays there a while. But if 245 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,890 S7: they grew up with a in a family where they 246 00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:37,810 S7: didn't feel loved, they have a small love tank, which 247 00:12:37,809 --> 00:12:39,850 S7: means you're going to have to refill it more often 248 00:12:39,850 --> 00:12:43,329 S7: for them. And so understanding that is going to be very, 249 00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:46,699 S7: very helpful to you in being successful in keeping their 250 00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:47,699 S7: love tank full. 251 00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:51,020 S1: Well, forgive me, Doctor Chapman. Every time you say that 252 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,220 S1: there's a song going through my head, I just hear 253 00:12:53,260 --> 00:12:56,460 S1: love Tank is a song I think would be popular. 254 00:12:59,420 --> 00:13:03,140 S1: You talk about being emotionally withdrawn, and I really appreciated this, 255 00:13:03,140 --> 00:13:05,700 S1: that this is one of the fastest ways to drain 256 00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:08,740 S1: a love tank. Would you define first what we mean 257 00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:11,380 S1: by being emotionally withdrawn? And second, why, in fact, that 258 00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,300 S1: is such a negative. In fact, I bet there's a 259 00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,420 S1: whole bunch of people saying that's exactly how I would 260 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,460 S1: define my relationship. I feel like they're distant emotionally. 261 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:22,660 S7: Yeah. I think what what it is is they don't 262 00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:27,380 S7: they don't value the emotional aspect of life. They grew 263 00:13:27,380 --> 00:13:30,100 S7: up in a home where, you know, they told you 264 00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:32,540 S7: you shouldn't feel angry, you shouldn't feel this, you shouldn't 265 00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:36,500 S7: feel that. And so consequently, in the marriage, they tend 266 00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:40,660 S7: to withdraw when you start talking about emotional things. And 267 00:13:40,660 --> 00:13:42,740 S7: so they just kind of back off from that. They 268 00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:45,420 S7: don't even want to discuss it. And that's why, you know, 269 00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:47,660 S7: some spouses will say, I don't read that book on 270 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:51,100 S7: marriage or I don't want to, you know. So and 271 00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:54,100 S7: when they do, it's really emptying the love tank of 272 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:57,740 S7: the other person. It's saying to them, they don't care 273 00:13:57,740 --> 00:14:01,780 S7: about me. They don't care about my need to feel love. Uh, 274 00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:04,860 S7: you know, so and so that they neglect, you know, 275 00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:08,500 S7: and then criticisms even even worse. On top of that, 276 00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:11,340 S7: if they say such things as, I wish you'd just 277 00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:13,860 S7: stop talking about all this love stuff. I mean, you know, 278 00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:15,660 S7: we need to be thinking about da da da da 279 00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:18,699 S7: da da da, you know, and you say that. I mean, 280 00:14:18,740 --> 00:14:22,620 S7: it's like putting a hole in their love tank. So, uh, 281 00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:27,220 S7: it's not only enough to know how to positively communicate love. Also, 282 00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:29,380 S7: we need to be aware of the kind of things 283 00:14:29,380 --> 00:14:32,820 S7: that can really drain the person's love tank and take 284 00:14:32,820 --> 00:14:35,900 S7: as much more time to repair it and go forward. 285 00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:39,780 S1: Yeah. So wise, uh, what really broke through this whole 286 00:14:39,820 --> 00:14:42,870 S1: identifying the problem for me was when you talked about 287 00:14:43,310 --> 00:14:46,030 S1: everybody having an agenda. And so you gave the five 288 00:14:46,030 --> 00:14:48,150 S1: love languages and you gave a perfect example. So let 289 00:14:48,150 --> 00:14:50,110 S1: me just read one if I can. So your partner 290 00:14:50,110 --> 00:14:52,310 S1: loves hearing words of affirmation. And you know that they've 291 00:14:52,310 --> 00:14:54,550 S1: been craving a little extra encouragement. So on your way 292 00:14:54,550 --> 00:14:56,910 S1: out the door, you toss over your shoulder real quick. 293 00:14:56,950 --> 00:15:00,750 S1: You're amazing. Sure, it's nice, but it doesn't really resonate. Maybe. 294 00:15:00,790 --> 00:15:03,190 S1: Or maybe not. And you give examples of every one 295 00:15:03,190 --> 00:15:06,470 S1: of those quality time acts of service, receiving gifts, physical 296 00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:10,430 S1: touch where it's there, and the person who's articulating the 297 00:15:10,430 --> 00:15:13,030 S1: love language thinks they've hit a home run and the 298 00:15:13,030 --> 00:15:15,710 S1: person at the receiving end goes, you missed by a mile. 299 00:15:15,830 --> 00:15:18,230 S1: So those are some of the problems. But you tie 300 00:15:18,230 --> 00:15:20,750 S1: this into the idea that we have an agenda. How 301 00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:23,590 S1: does the how are those examples indicative of somebody having 302 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,270 S1: an agenda? 303 00:15:25,110 --> 00:15:27,350 S7: Well, I think all of us have an agenda. And 304 00:15:27,350 --> 00:15:30,790 S7: by that I mean we are focused on something every 305 00:15:30,790 --> 00:15:34,270 S7: single day. Uh, if we have jobs, of course, that's 306 00:15:34,270 --> 00:15:36,430 S7: a big part of our agenda. So we may be 307 00:15:36,430 --> 00:15:39,790 S7: thinking about the job when we're at home. Uh, and 308 00:15:39,790 --> 00:15:42,750 S7: so if we have the wrong agenda, we're focusing on 309 00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:45,590 S7: our agenda. Nothing wrong with the agenda, but if we're 310 00:15:45,590 --> 00:15:49,870 S7: focusing on that, it often keeps us from really digging 311 00:15:49,870 --> 00:15:53,670 S7: in to communicate love to our spouse. And so that 312 00:15:53,710 --> 00:15:58,910 S7: kind of comment of, you're amazing. It's so general that 313 00:15:58,910 --> 00:16:03,230 S7: the person thinking, okay, they're saying something because they want 314 00:16:03,270 --> 00:16:07,270 S7: to be positive. Okay. Well, what they're wondering is I 315 00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:09,950 S7: wonder what they think and how they think. I am amazing, 316 00:16:10,190 --> 00:16:14,430 S7: you know? And so we miss the mark, you know, 317 00:16:14,470 --> 00:16:16,950 S7: because we're so into what we're doing at the moment 318 00:16:16,950 --> 00:16:20,070 S7: and what's on our mind, our agenda, rather than thinking 319 00:16:20,070 --> 00:16:23,190 S7: in terms of the spouse. And do they really feel loved? 320 00:16:23,790 --> 00:16:25,870 S1: That goes right to the core of the title of 321 00:16:25,870 --> 00:16:28,590 S1: the book, the Love Language that Matters Most. So the 322 00:16:28,590 --> 00:16:32,390 S1: Articulator thinks that they've done a good job of transmitting love, 323 00:16:32,550 --> 00:16:35,750 S1: but the recipient doesn't feel that way at all because 324 00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:39,150 S1: it comes across as not being fully invested and certainly 325 00:16:39,270 --> 00:16:42,390 S1: not stepping into what would be the definer of that 326 00:16:42,390 --> 00:16:45,350 S1: particular kind of love language. So you have to be 327 00:16:45,390 --> 00:16:46,910 S1: and you talk about this later in the book, and 328 00:16:46,910 --> 00:16:48,630 S1: I'll go into this deeper because we're coming up to 329 00:16:48,630 --> 00:16:50,550 S1: a break. But I love the idea that we have 330 00:16:50,550 --> 00:16:52,270 S1: to learn to be a good listener. This is where 331 00:16:52,270 --> 00:16:54,110 S1: all of this comes into play as well. So let 332 00:16:54,110 --> 00:16:56,030 S1: me take a break. And when we come back, I'm 333 00:16:56,030 --> 00:16:58,550 S1: going to look at the solution. So we've just flown over. 334 00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:01,470 S1: All of this is at the 35 foot 35, 35,000 335 00:17:01,470 --> 00:17:04,670 S1: foot level, you realize, because as is the case with 336 00:17:04,670 --> 00:17:08,790 S1: every book that Doctor Chapman writes, there's rich, rich, rich material. 337 00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:10,270 S1: I want to give you a sense of what he's 338 00:17:10,270 --> 00:17:12,429 S1: talking about so that you will be curious enough to 339 00:17:12,470 --> 00:17:17,510 S1: understand now the dialect, that particular way of conveying your 340 00:17:17,990 --> 00:17:21,470 S1: person's love language, right? How you're not about you, it's 341 00:17:21,470 --> 00:17:24,670 S1: about them. But they are dialects. You think you've sent it, 342 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,469 S1: they don't think they've received it. So we're going to 343 00:17:26,470 --> 00:17:30,270 S1: continue the new book again, the love Language that matters most, 344 00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:33,870 S1: how to Personalize love. So they really feel it back 345 00:17:33,869 --> 00:17:59,119 S1: after this. The love language that matters most. That's the 346 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,520 S1: brand new book by Doctor Gary Chapman. He also co-wrote 347 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,200 S1: it with doctors Les and Leslie Parrott as well. And 348 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,480 S1: it really gets us in deeper into those five love languages, 349 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,399 S1: the nuances, the dialect, if you will, on how our 350 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,280 S1: partner receives their love language. And there's a lot more 351 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,520 S1: to it than just recognizing the style one of the 352 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:20,080 S1: five major categories, but ways in which you can clearly 353 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,159 S1: and distinctively convey to them that they are truly loved. 354 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,400 S1: After all, that's how we were hardwired. We came into 355 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,240 S1: this world desiring to be loved first, last, and always 356 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,480 S1: by the King himself. But second of all, on this 357 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,480 S1: horizontal plane with human beings. And so this book is 358 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,080 S1: really very, very timely because I think maybe some people 359 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,600 S1: are frustrated thinking I read the books. I've listened to 360 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,120 S1: the radio program. I'm frustrated, I can't. I don't even 361 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:43,960 S1: find the target. I know I'm missing the mark all 362 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,520 S1: the time. This book will help you really and truly 363 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,240 S1: move forward. So I touched on this just before the break. 364 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:53,000 S1: Doctor Chapman and I thought it's it's almost rudimentary, but 365 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,640 S1: I'm so glad you took the time to really flesh 366 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,120 S1: this out a little bit in the book, which is 367 00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:59,760 S1: you can't possibly get the dialect right if you're not 368 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,560 S1: a good listener. In fact, it makes sense. This is 369 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,600 S1: a language, so you have to be able to listen 370 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:08,119 S1: to the nuances in the language. That's the dialect. So, um, 371 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,560 S1: you talk about listening with the third eye, which I loved, 372 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,520 S1: because anyone who has a background in the performing arts 373 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,720 S1: knows that we were always taught to have that third 374 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,480 S1: eye and music as an example, you have to be 375 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,520 S1: anticipating the next phrase, not the next note, the next 376 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,560 S1: line where the orchestra is going to go so that 377 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:26,479 S1: you have to be listening within the music itself to 378 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,560 S1: what's coming next. And I was thinking how that's really 379 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,639 S1: applicable when it comes to listening to somebody with whom 380 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,689 S1: you love and that you want to convey this language. 381 00:19:35,810 --> 00:19:38,689 S1: But it's an art, isn't it, to develop this third eye. 382 00:19:38,730 --> 00:19:40,810 S1: So how do we do that? Only for your case. 383 00:19:40,810 --> 00:19:43,410 S1: As we're talking about dialect. It's not an eye, it's 384 00:19:43,410 --> 00:19:44,970 S1: an ear. Talk to me about that. 385 00:19:45,570 --> 00:19:48,650 S7: Yeah. I think by nature some of us are not 386 00:19:48,650 --> 00:19:53,170 S7: good listeners. And we listen with a view to responding. 387 00:19:53,690 --> 00:19:57,649 S7: And so our spouse shares something, uh, maybe a struggle 388 00:19:57,650 --> 00:20:00,530 S7: they're had today at work and so forth. And immediately 389 00:20:00,530 --> 00:20:02,530 S7: we say, well, now what you ought to do is 390 00:20:02,530 --> 00:20:05,530 S7: da da da da da da da da da da da. Well, 391 00:20:05,570 --> 00:20:08,969 S7: and they're and they're feeling. Oh they just wanted to 392 00:20:08,970 --> 00:20:12,810 S7: be heard. They wanted you to enter into their feelings. 393 00:20:13,050 --> 00:20:16,770 S7: And so we have to learn to listen. We have 394 00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:20,369 S7: to learn to ask questions, to follow up questions, not 395 00:20:20,369 --> 00:20:23,490 S7: just listen the first time to what they say, but 396 00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:26,050 S7: to say, honey, uh, explain that to me a little bit. 397 00:20:26,210 --> 00:20:28,130 S7: I really want to understand what you're saying and what 398 00:20:28,130 --> 00:20:31,610 S7: you're feeling. And they and you, you keep asking questions 399 00:20:31,609 --> 00:20:33,810 S7: and they keep sharing with you, and then you can 400 00:20:33,930 --> 00:20:36,449 S7: honestly say, well, you know, that makes a whole lot 401 00:20:36,490 --> 00:20:38,810 S7: of sense to me. I can see how you'd feel 402 00:20:38,810 --> 00:20:41,250 S7: that way. If I were in your shoes. I'd probably 403 00:20:41,250 --> 00:20:44,330 S7: feel the way you feel. And then if you wanted 404 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:47,610 S7: to say, uh, is there is there any way I 405 00:20:47,609 --> 00:20:52,890 S7: could help? Anything. Anything you think I could do to help? Fine. Now, 406 00:20:52,890 --> 00:20:55,449 S7: you have you have heard them out, and you have. 407 00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:59,330 S7: You have empathized with them. You've entered into their world, 408 00:20:59,490 --> 00:21:01,969 S7: and maybe they will say, well, you know, honey, what 409 00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:04,369 S7: do you think? What would be a good thing for 410 00:21:04,369 --> 00:21:07,330 S7: me to do in this situation? Okay, now it's fine 411 00:21:07,330 --> 00:21:10,250 S7: to share your thoughts and your feelings with them, but 412 00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:14,170 S7: learning how to listen, it's a process. As I said, 413 00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:16,650 S7: some of us are not listeners at all. We just 414 00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,970 S7: listen to the facts or whatever they say, at least 415 00:21:18,970 --> 00:21:21,730 S7: what we perceive to be what they're saying. And then 416 00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:26,730 S7: we give them a response rather than really understanding what 417 00:21:26,890 --> 00:21:30,090 S7: not only what they're saying, but what they're feeling. And 418 00:21:30,090 --> 00:21:34,220 S7: when we do that, we are really moving into the 419 00:21:34,220 --> 00:21:38,580 S7: area of emotions and love is an emotion in this case, 420 00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:40,419 S7: is what we're talking about emotional love. 421 00:21:40,780 --> 00:21:44,340 S1: Mhm. You break down listening to each of the five 422 00:21:44,380 --> 00:21:47,100 S1: love languages. Can you pick one and give us an example. 423 00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:51,820 S7: Well I think uh, you know, if they're talking about 424 00:21:51,820 --> 00:21:54,020 S7: an act of service or you know that their language 425 00:21:54,020 --> 00:21:58,060 S7: is act of service. And uh, so you go, uh, 426 00:21:58,340 --> 00:22:01,780 S7: I remember one illustration is this guy is at home 427 00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:05,100 S7: before his wife, so he fixes this really gourmet meal. 428 00:22:05,140 --> 00:22:08,300 S7: I mean, really, really gourmet meal. He is going to 429 00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:11,740 S7: really impress her. He's going to really fill her love tank. 430 00:22:12,340 --> 00:22:14,540 S7: And so he's almost got it ready. And then she 431 00:22:14,540 --> 00:22:18,540 S7: walks in the door and he says, surprise, honey. And 432 00:22:18,540 --> 00:22:22,139 S7: he shows her, you know what he's got. And she said, oh, honey, 433 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:27,340 S7: I've already eaten at the office. She said, we were 434 00:22:27,340 --> 00:22:29,340 S7: working late and they brought in the pizza and we've 435 00:22:29,340 --> 00:22:32,379 S7: already eaten and I am just totally worn out. All 436 00:22:32,380 --> 00:22:35,460 S7: I can do is take a shower and go to bed. Well, 437 00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:38,980 S7: his intentions were good, but you could see how disappointed 438 00:22:38,980 --> 00:22:42,740 S7: he would be. You know, because he he he did 439 00:22:42,740 --> 00:22:45,939 S7: something that in his mind was really going to impress her. 440 00:22:46,260 --> 00:22:49,340 S7: But he didn't know what was going on in her life. 441 00:22:49,340 --> 00:22:55,660 S7: There wasn't communication. So that otherwise he he would have just, uh, 442 00:22:55,660 --> 00:22:58,419 S7: you know, got a pizza for himself if he knew 443 00:22:58,460 --> 00:23:01,659 S7: she was coming home already. Already having eaten. So a 444 00:23:01,700 --> 00:23:04,620 S7: lot of misunderstanding goes on because we don't know what 445 00:23:04,619 --> 00:23:06,980 S7: the other person, what's in the other person's mind. 446 00:23:07,020 --> 00:23:10,580 S1: So isn't it an overarching dynamic that we, regardless of 447 00:23:10,580 --> 00:23:13,740 S1: your love language or your spouse's love language, it's imperative 448 00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:18,420 S1: that we learn how to listen. And and that's so important. Boy, 449 00:23:18,460 --> 00:23:20,619 S1: after half a century plus of marriage, I have to 450 00:23:20,619 --> 00:23:23,419 S1: tell you, that's such a key thing that just being 451 00:23:23,420 --> 00:23:25,780 S1: quiet enough to listen with the. My mom used to 452 00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:27,619 S1: call it the ears on her heart, which I very 453 00:23:27,619 --> 00:23:30,340 S1: much love that word picture. Really and truly what they're 454 00:23:30,420 --> 00:23:33,740 S1: saying so that you can then understand. So this poor 455 00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:36,780 S1: man who makes this marvelous dinner for his wife. So 456 00:23:36,820 --> 00:23:38,500 S1: his heart was in the right place, but his head 457 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,859 S1: wasn't in the right place because he wasn't listening to 458 00:23:40,900 --> 00:23:43,300 S1: where she was at. Again, going back to what you 459 00:23:43,300 --> 00:23:45,340 S1: just said, and it's such an important word of encouragement. 460 00:23:45,340 --> 00:23:47,860 S1: This doesn't happen overnight. You have to develop the technique 461 00:23:47,859 --> 00:23:49,379 S1: of being a good listener, don't you? 462 00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:53,179 S7: Absolutely, absolutely. And particularly about the love language. You know, 463 00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:56,780 S7: my wife's love language is acts of service. So almost 464 00:23:56,780 --> 00:23:59,460 S7: every day I will say to her before I leave 465 00:23:59,460 --> 00:24:02,780 S7: the house, uh, honey, is there anything I can do 466 00:24:02,780 --> 00:24:06,020 S7: now that would be helpful to you before I leave? Well, 467 00:24:06,060 --> 00:24:08,860 S7: now she can tell me. I'm asking. You know I'm asking. 468 00:24:08,859 --> 00:24:11,180 S7: She can tell me. I may have done something that 469 00:24:11,180 --> 00:24:13,220 S7: I thought was going to be important, but now I 470 00:24:13,220 --> 00:24:14,899 S7: know what would be important to her. 471 00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:18,860 S1: Wow. Such a good book. It's just filled with pragmatics. 472 00:24:18,859 --> 00:24:21,940 S1: But in the end, it's really and truly about learning 473 00:24:21,940 --> 00:24:24,740 S1: the best love language, the most important one, the one 474 00:24:24,740 --> 00:24:27,859 S1: that matters most to your spouse. Doctor Gary Chapman is 475 00:24:27,859 --> 00:24:29,590 S1: with us. Brand new book. I've got a link, by 476 00:24:29,590 --> 00:24:32,189 S1: the way, in my information page. Again, the book is 477 00:24:32,190 --> 00:24:35,510 S1: called The Love Language That Matters Most How to Personalize Love. 478 00:24:35,550 --> 00:24:38,870 S1: So they really feel it more with Doctor Gary Chapman 479 00:24:38,869 --> 00:25:07,830 S1: right after this. How often do you tune into in 480 00:25:07,869 --> 00:25:10,470 S1: the market? Once or twice a week, every day? If 481 00:25:10,470 --> 00:25:12,510 S1: this program is valuable to you? Why not become a 482 00:25:12,510 --> 00:25:15,909 S1: partial partner? Your financial support is invaluable as we apply 483 00:25:15,910 --> 00:25:18,830 S1: God's Word to current events in modern culture. Knowing we 484 00:25:18,830 --> 00:25:21,590 S1: can count on your monthly gift encourages us to deliver 485 00:25:21,590 --> 00:25:24,550 S1: relevant and up to date content every day. Become a 486 00:25:24,550 --> 00:25:28,510 S1: partial partner today by calling 877 Janet, 58, or go 487 00:25:28,510 --> 00:25:34,350 S1: online to in the market with Janet Parshall. We have 488 00:25:34,350 --> 00:25:36,830 S1: the privilege of spending the hour with Doctor Gary Chapman. 489 00:25:36,830 --> 00:25:38,629 S1: And if you're just joining us, pull up a chair. 490 00:25:38,670 --> 00:25:40,590 S1: You're so welcome here, but you are going to want 491 00:25:40,590 --> 00:25:43,070 S1: to hear the beginning of this conversation. So just go 492 00:25:43,070 --> 00:25:45,710 S1: to wherever you find your favorite podcast and download in 493 00:25:45,750 --> 00:25:48,510 S1: the market with Janet Partial so you can get every 494 00:25:48,510 --> 00:25:51,109 S1: bit of the wise counsel Doctor Gary Chapman has offered 495 00:25:51,109 --> 00:25:53,870 S1: us thus far on his brand new book, The Love 496 00:25:53,869 --> 00:25:57,310 S1: Language That Matters Most How to Personalize Love. So they 497 00:25:57,310 --> 00:26:00,230 S1: really feel it. And this is about getting into the dialect, 498 00:26:00,230 --> 00:26:03,030 S1: the nuances, if you will, of the love language of 499 00:26:03,030 --> 00:26:05,670 S1: our partner and how we can make sure they really 500 00:26:05,670 --> 00:26:09,830 S1: do understand how much we love them. Great conversation and 501 00:26:09,830 --> 00:26:12,430 S1: a fabulous book. So I want to linger just and 502 00:26:12,430 --> 00:26:13,949 S1: I'm going to tell the friends who just joined us 503 00:26:13,950 --> 00:26:16,070 S1: three parts to the book the problem, the solution, and 504 00:26:16,070 --> 00:26:18,190 S1: the tactics. I want to get to the tactics, but 505 00:26:18,190 --> 00:26:20,230 S1: let me linger a little bit longer in the solution, 506 00:26:20,230 --> 00:26:22,750 S1: if I can. And I'm so glad that you wrote 507 00:26:22,750 --> 00:26:25,630 S1: this because you talked about the two questions, the dialect 508 00:26:25,630 --> 00:26:29,240 S1: and the personality. Two questions you've heard for years. For 509 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,360 S1: 30 years, since the five love languages were birthed. I'm 510 00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:35,240 S1: glad you're finally addressing personality, because while there may be 511 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:38,960 S1: five distinctive love languages, every one of us is fearfully 512 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,760 S1: and wonderfully made and every one of us has our 513 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:44,120 S1: own unique personality. I'd love to hear your heart and 514 00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:47,880 S1: your mind on this. How does personality just generally fold 515 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,240 S1: in to the way we express love and how we 516 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:51,240 S1: like to be loved? 517 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:57,120 S7: Well, let's just take the simple introversion extroversion in terms 518 00:26:57,119 --> 00:27:01,520 S7: of personality. So, uh, so here's here's a wife who 519 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:06,400 S7: knows that her husband's language is words of affirmation, and, 520 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:12,440 S7: but she doesn't consider his personality at all. So she 521 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,240 S7: has a plans, a birthday party for him, but 30 friends. 522 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:21,480 S7: And then somewhere along the line in that birthday party, 523 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,640 S7: she says, I just want to share with all of 524 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,320 S7: you how wonderful my husband is. And she just starts 525 00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:31,960 S7: rattling off all these positive things about him. He is 526 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:37,200 S7: an introvert. First of all, even having a big party 527 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,400 S7: with all these people, he would much rather have had 528 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:44,120 S7: a birthday just with her and him in a nice restaurant. 529 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,600 S7: But now all these things about him in front of 530 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:52,360 S7: all these people and in his mind he's saying, oh, honey, 531 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:55,240 S7: that's enough. He's not saying it because he's trying to 532 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,760 S7: be nice. Mhm. That's enough. Honey. That's enough. You know, 533 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:02,680 S7: I mean tell me those things in private. Yes. Words 534 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,520 S7: of affirmation is my language but but not in front 535 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,680 S7: of a whole bunch of people. So you know personality 536 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,680 S7: has a lot to do with when, where and how 537 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:17,200 S7: to speak their love language. So she had the love language, right? 538 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,920 S7: But she wasn't considering his personality. Hmm. So that's just 539 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,840 S7: an example of how personality fits into all this. 540 00:28:24,250 --> 00:28:25,530 S1: So let me pull over to the side of the 541 00:28:25,530 --> 00:28:27,889 S1: road for a minute. And whether you've been married five 542 00:28:27,890 --> 00:28:31,169 S1: minutes or 50 years, how does someone get to know 543 00:28:31,210 --> 00:28:33,409 S1: the personality of their spouse? 544 00:28:35,010 --> 00:28:37,250 S7: Well, I think it takes time. Of course, you know, 545 00:28:37,290 --> 00:28:42,290 S7: there are personality quizzes that people can take. There's a 546 00:28:42,290 --> 00:28:45,530 S7: number of those. But, uh, you have to have some 547 00:28:45,530 --> 00:28:50,370 S7: concept of what personality is. You know, it's it's a present, 548 00:28:50,370 --> 00:28:55,770 S7: ever present aspect of how you operate in life. For example, 549 00:28:55,770 --> 00:28:59,209 S7: some some people are very, very cautious. They don't they 550 00:28:59,210 --> 00:29:02,890 S7: don't make spur of the moment decisions. They're very cautious. 551 00:29:03,210 --> 00:29:05,810 S7: There are others, on the other hand, that are very curious. 552 00:29:06,290 --> 00:29:11,610 S7: So the cautious person will will want to make incremental changes. 553 00:29:11,970 --> 00:29:14,650 S7: They may if you if you're buying something together, they 554 00:29:14,650 --> 00:29:16,850 S7: may want to go a couple of times to look 555 00:29:16,850 --> 00:29:19,010 S7: at it and talk about it and read about it 556 00:29:19,010 --> 00:29:23,450 S7: before they make that final decision. Whereas, you know, the 557 00:29:23,930 --> 00:29:26,450 S7: curious person just. Well, that's it. That's what I want. 558 00:29:26,490 --> 00:29:30,090 S7: They just leap right in. Well, that could be a conflict. 559 00:29:30,410 --> 00:29:33,930 S7: But the conflict has to do with their personalities. It's 560 00:29:33,930 --> 00:29:37,010 S7: not that they either one of those is right or wrong, 561 00:29:37,050 --> 00:29:39,690 S7: it's just that one of them is is very cautious 562 00:29:39,690 --> 00:29:42,610 S7: about everything they do. And the other person is just, 563 00:29:42,650 --> 00:29:45,810 S7: you know, very quick to make decisions. So I think 564 00:29:45,850 --> 00:29:51,490 S7: understanding the personality, it takes time to get that. But 565 00:29:51,490 --> 00:29:55,410 S7: if you try not to put them down because they're 566 00:29:55,410 --> 00:29:59,850 S7: different from you, but to accept that as a reality, uh, 567 00:30:00,090 --> 00:30:03,250 S7: you know, they're, they're morning persons and they're night persons, 568 00:30:03,250 --> 00:30:07,210 S7: that's that's a tiny aspect of personality. I remember when 569 00:30:07,210 --> 00:30:10,650 S7: we got married, I had this idea that every morning 570 00:30:10,650 --> 00:30:12,690 S7: my wife and I would have breakfast together and have 571 00:30:12,690 --> 00:30:15,690 S7: devotions together because I knew she was a strong Christian. 572 00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:18,370 S7: And this is going to be wonderful, you know? But 573 00:30:18,370 --> 00:30:21,770 S7: I didn't know that she didn't really wake up till 10:00. 574 00:30:21,810 --> 00:30:23,890 S7: I mean, she got up, but she didn't wake up. 575 00:30:23,930 --> 00:30:27,090 S7: You know what I mean? And so after a while, 576 00:30:27,090 --> 00:30:29,850 S7: I just realized, said, honey, I think this is I'm 577 00:30:29,850 --> 00:30:32,930 S7: just putting pressure on you. Let's let's figure out something 578 00:30:32,930 --> 00:30:38,250 S7: else here, you know? So as you discover personality traits, 579 00:30:38,570 --> 00:30:41,730 S7: then we come to adapt to them and recognize, not 580 00:30:41,730 --> 00:30:43,969 S7: try to change them or put them down. You know, 581 00:30:44,290 --> 00:30:45,810 S7: the morning is the time you ought to have your 582 00:30:45,810 --> 00:30:48,930 S7: devotional time with God anyway, you know. No no no 583 00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:53,210 S7: no no. God's awake all day, every day and all night. 584 00:30:53,210 --> 00:30:55,770 S7: All night. Anytime you want to have your devotional time, 585 00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:57,209 S7: it's fine with him. 586 00:30:58,170 --> 00:31:01,370 S1: But that's an excellent example of really understanding the difference 587 00:31:01,370 --> 00:31:04,730 S1: in personality. And you do these different, you know, the introvert, 588 00:31:04,730 --> 00:31:07,050 S1: the extrovert, the cautious, the curious, and you drop them 589 00:31:07,050 --> 00:31:10,050 S1: contextually within the framework of every one of the five 590 00:31:10,090 --> 00:31:13,010 S1: love languages. So for example, acts of service. That's my 591 00:31:13,010 --> 00:31:16,610 S1: husband's love language. That's how he conveys love. Uh, the 592 00:31:17,050 --> 00:31:20,500 S1: the cautious person would, quote, take care of routine task 593 00:31:20,540 --> 00:31:22,940 S1: of planning ahead to reduce stress like meal prep or 594 00:31:22,940 --> 00:31:26,460 S1: taking out the trash, or the curious person would jump 595 00:31:26,460 --> 00:31:29,180 S1: into a spontaneous act of help, like rearranging a room 596 00:31:29,180 --> 00:31:33,300 S1: or brainstorming together. I love the distinction. So that's knowing again, 597 00:31:33,300 --> 00:31:38,060 S1: listening with your ears and the ears on your heart. Understanding, learning, 598 00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:41,780 S1: processing the personality of the other person. You know, I've 599 00:31:41,820 --> 00:31:44,820 S1: thought about this lately. My husband's love language is acts 600 00:31:44,820 --> 00:31:47,820 S1: of service. Doctor Chapman, I believe beyond a shadow of 601 00:31:47,820 --> 00:31:50,380 S1: a doubt, that there is a soft underbelly. In fact, 602 00:31:50,380 --> 00:31:52,780 S1: you've used this phrase, and I've thought about it oh, 603 00:31:52,940 --> 00:31:55,940 S1: many times in the decades of our marriage, which is 604 00:31:55,940 --> 00:31:58,740 S1: I sometimes, because I know my husband's love language is 605 00:31:58,780 --> 00:32:01,980 S1: acts of service. I sometimes have to say, honey, you 606 00:32:01,980 --> 00:32:04,020 S1: don't have to do that. I know that's your love language. 607 00:32:04,020 --> 00:32:05,620 S1: I know that's what you're telling me, but sit down. 608 00:32:05,620 --> 00:32:07,140 S1: I want you to just rest for a minute. Let's 609 00:32:07,140 --> 00:32:09,860 S1: just talk instead. In other words, I want to be 610 00:32:09,860 --> 00:32:12,540 S1: in tune when somebody's overdoing it. I know that they 611 00:32:12,540 --> 00:32:14,540 S1: love me, but they might be overdoing it. Talk to 612 00:32:14,540 --> 00:32:15,380 S1: me about that. 613 00:32:15,860 --> 00:32:19,620 S7: Yeah, I think recognizing that, you know, if you think 614 00:32:19,620 --> 00:32:22,460 S7: it's stressful for them, especially if you think it's stressful 615 00:32:22,460 --> 00:32:26,260 S7: for them. And sometimes maybe it is. Maybe it's not. 616 00:32:26,420 --> 00:32:29,420 S7: But at least to say, uh, you know, like, my 617 00:32:29,420 --> 00:32:31,620 S7: wife normally fixed dinner at night. But I said to 618 00:32:31,620 --> 00:32:33,540 S7: her just today, I said, now, honey, she told me 619 00:32:33,540 --> 00:32:36,420 S7: what she was going to be doing this afternoon. I said, now, honey, 620 00:32:36,420 --> 00:32:39,220 S7: please don't don't think you have to fix supper tonight 621 00:32:39,260 --> 00:32:41,340 S7: because you're not going to get home till later. And 622 00:32:41,340 --> 00:32:43,380 S7: so we just we just go out tonight. You know, 623 00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:46,900 S7: it's just recognizing those things about your spouse and what's what, 624 00:32:46,940 --> 00:32:49,260 S7: what's going on in their lives and being sensitive to 625 00:32:49,260 --> 00:32:52,020 S7: those kind of things. Yeah. There's a place to encourage 626 00:32:52,020 --> 00:32:55,300 S7: them not to do something that they know is loving, 627 00:32:55,300 --> 00:32:57,780 S7: and they know you appreciate it, but but you don't 628 00:32:57,780 --> 00:32:59,180 S7: always have to do it. Yeah. 629 00:32:59,220 --> 00:33:03,340 S1: Yeah. Good. Thank you for that, counsel. Again. Are they carefree? 630 00:33:03,340 --> 00:33:06,100 S1: Are they dependable? Are they cool? Are they warm? And 631 00:33:06,100 --> 00:33:08,260 S1: then Gary looks at every one of the five love 632 00:33:08,260 --> 00:33:11,020 S1: languages and runs it through the grid of how that 633 00:33:11,020 --> 00:33:14,340 S1: might be expressed differently based on the on the person's personality. 634 00:33:14,340 --> 00:33:19,270 S1: So understanding your spouse's personality is hugely important. Well, I 635 00:33:19,270 --> 00:33:22,230 S1: want to go to the tactics because this is, I think, 636 00:33:22,230 --> 00:33:24,550 S1: the most the whole book is outstanding. But the tactics 637 00:33:24,550 --> 00:33:28,070 S1: are extremely important because it's it's shoe leather, it's boots 638 00:33:28,070 --> 00:33:30,150 S1: on the ground. It's how we can actually take all 639 00:33:30,190 --> 00:33:32,910 S1: of these and put them into an action plan. So 640 00:33:32,910 --> 00:33:36,310 S1: I want to start with words of affirmation. Um, so 641 00:33:36,630 --> 00:33:39,590 S1: get understanding. First of all, some of the major takeaways 642 00:33:39,590 --> 00:33:41,110 S1: so far is this is going to take time. We 643 00:33:41,110 --> 00:33:42,990 S1: have to be an active listener. We have to understand 644 00:33:42,990 --> 00:33:47,230 S1: the personality of our spouse and now the tactics to improve. 645 00:33:47,230 --> 00:33:50,710 S1: This is where the dialect comes in. So you talk 646 00:33:50,750 --> 00:33:53,630 S1: about words of affirmation, and you talk about the need 647 00:33:53,630 --> 00:33:56,790 S1: to speak right to the heart and ways to practice 648 00:33:56,830 --> 00:33:59,990 S1: words of affirmation. Now one would think, well, wait, this 649 00:33:59,990 --> 00:34:01,469 S1: has been around for 30 years. I already know how 650 00:34:01,470 --> 00:34:03,430 S1: to do this. How do we do this within the 651 00:34:03,430 --> 00:34:06,430 S1: context of the love language that matters most? 652 00:34:07,230 --> 00:34:11,710 S7: Yeah, well, let's take let's take encouragement here. Here's the 653 00:34:11,710 --> 00:34:13,989 S7: lady who she knows that her husband is going to 654 00:34:13,989 --> 00:34:18,110 S7: be speaking tomorrow at his father's funeral. And so she's 655 00:34:18,110 --> 00:34:21,430 S7: giving him encouraging words. She's saying, honey, you're going to 656 00:34:21,469 --> 00:34:24,390 S7: nail it tomorrow. The people are really going to love 657 00:34:24,390 --> 00:34:27,509 S7: you because of what you're sharing tomorrow. Uh, you know, 658 00:34:27,550 --> 00:34:29,910 S7: and she's just talking about how wonderful he's going to 659 00:34:29,910 --> 00:34:33,029 S7: be and all of that. In her mind, she is 660 00:34:33,030 --> 00:34:36,270 S7: speaking his love language, words of affirmation, but she's speaking 661 00:34:36,270 --> 00:34:40,350 S7: the dialect of encouragement. But he tells her a little later, 662 00:34:40,350 --> 00:34:43,190 S7: he says, honey, I know you're trying to help me, 663 00:34:43,390 --> 00:34:45,870 S7: but to be honest with you, it's making me nervous 664 00:34:46,190 --> 00:34:49,110 S7: because I'm thinking, what if I mess up tomorrow because 665 00:34:49,350 --> 00:34:51,790 S7: you're telling me I'm going to be an A plus? But. 666 00:34:51,790 --> 00:34:54,469 S7: But what if I mess up tomorrow? She says, oh, no, honey, 667 00:34:54,469 --> 00:34:55,870 S7: that's not what I was trying to say. You know, 668 00:34:55,870 --> 00:34:58,190 S7: I was just trying to encourage you. So, you know, 669 00:34:58,230 --> 00:35:03,630 S7: she was sincere, but but she was speaking words of encouragement, whereas, uh, 670 00:35:03,910 --> 00:35:07,750 S7: you know, what he needed was her to say something like, 671 00:35:08,110 --> 00:35:11,070 S7: you know, honey, uh, I know this. This would really 672 00:35:11,070 --> 00:35:14,910 S7: be hard. I'm thinking for you to speak tomorrow. Uh, 673 00:35:14,910 --> 00:35:17,000 S7: but I'm proud of you. One of the things I 674 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,879 S7: like about you is that you honor your father. And 675 00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:24,239 S7: even though this is hard for you, you're doing it 676 00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:26,799 S7: because you love your father. You see, she gave him 677 00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:31,280 S7: words of appreciation about his spirit, about his attitude toward 678 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:35,400 S7: his father. So, uh, the three of the three of 679 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:39,160 S7: the dialects of words of affirmation. One is encouragement, one 680 00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:44,000 S7: is compliments. Focus on something about them. You know, you 681 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:46,680 S7: look nice in that outfit. Or, you know, one of 682 00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:48,720 S7: the things I appreciate about you. It may be something 683 00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:51,879 S7: about their personality is that you have a positive spirit. 684 00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:55,160 S7: So it's complimenting them for something about them. And the 685 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:58,680 S7: other is appreciation for things they have done. Mhm. How 686 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,040 S7: many people have said to me, you know Jim I 687 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:03,240 S7: do all kinds of things. But she never does express 688 00:36:03,239 --> 00:36:06,400 S7: appreciation for it. And he's telling me that his language 689 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:09,920 S7: is words of affirmation and he's waiting for the appreciation, 690 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:14,200 S7: you know. Uh, so, uh, knowing the dialects is going 691 00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:18,160 S7: to make a huge difference in being effective in communicating love. 692 00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:20,960 S1: Wow. We're going to linger in this tactics part again. 693 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:22,600 S1: There's so much more in the book that even the 694 00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:25,120 S1: gift of one hour of Doctor Chapman's time affords us 695 00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:27,640 S1: can't get to it all. I want to pique your curiosity. 696 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:29,720 S1: I want you to be thinking more deeply about this. 697 00:36:29,719 --> 00:36:32,120 S1: All of us love to be loved, and many of 698 00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:33,960 S1: us are in a position where we have the opportunity 699 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,000 S1: to love somebody else, be it a spouse, be it 700 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:39,200 S1: a friend, family member. This is important. How do we 701 00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:42,640 S1: really practice that love language that matters the most? That's 702 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,839 S1: what this new book is all about. Let's take a 703 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:48,080 S1: quality time in this love language with the dialects right 704 00:36:48,080 --> 00:37:13,930 S1: after this. Doctor Gary Chapman is our guest, author, speaker, 705 00:37:13,930 --> 00:37:17,089 S1: and counselor that has a passion for people and for 706 00:37:17,090 --> 00:37:21,569 S1: helping them form lasting relationships. 150 million people helped right 707 00:37:21,570 --> 00:37:23,850 S1: now by his five love languages. And that's been around 708 00:37:23,850 --> 00:37:27,010 S1: for about 30 years. But this new book that many 709 00:37:27,010 --> 00:37:28,890 S1: have been waiting for really get to the core of 710 00:37:28,930 --> 00:37:31,489 S1: two questions he was asked repetitively for the last 30 years. 711 00:37:31,489 --> 00:37:34,450 S1: Which is what about the issue of dialects? You talk 712 00:37:34,489 --> 00:37:37,970 S1: about those and what about the issue of personality? And 713 00:37:37,969 --> 00:37:40,250 S1: all of that gets addressed in this new book called 714 00:37:40,250 --> 00:37:43,850 S1: The Love Language That Matters Most How to Personalize Love. 715 00:37:43,850 --> 00:37:47,450 S1: So they really feel it. And it's just marvelous because 716 00:37:47,450 --> 00:37:50,610 S1: it really goes deeper into the application. Sometimes we're talking 717 00:37:50,650 --> 00:37:54,250 S1: and around each other rather than to each other, and 718 00:37:54,250 --> 00:37:57,129 S1: this book just helps us hone, tune that language. And again, 719 00:37:57,130 --> 00:37:59,130 S1: in the end, it's all about the other person. So 720 00:37:59,410 --> 00:38:01,529 S1: I'm in the tactics section of the book. You've got 721 00:38:01,530 --> 00:38:03,410 S1: the problem, you've got the solution, then you've got the 722 00:38:03,410 --> 00:38:06,250 S1: tactics and the tactics. Part of this. I really want 723 00:38:06,250 --> 00:38:08,049 S1: people to get a sense of how this is filled 724 00:38:08,050 --> 00:38:11,370 S1: with pragmatics. So you just walked us through the dialect 725 00:38:11,370 --> 00:38:14,970 S1: as it applies to, um, the the idea of words 726 00:38:14,969 --> 00:38:17,810 S1: of affirmation. What about quality time? How does that work? 727 00:38:19,010 --> 00:38:22,290 S7: Well, there are different, uh, again, different dialects of this. 728 00:38:22,770 --> 00:38:26,129 S7: One is improvising. There are people that you just come 729 00:38:26,130 --> 00:38:28,170 S7: up with something where you can spend time with them 730 00:38:28,170 --> 00:38:30,370 S7: on the spur of the moment, man, they're into that, 731 00:38:30,410 --> 00:38:34,650 S7: you know. But others are planners. So that'll give you 732 00:38:34,650 --> 00:38:37,450 S7: an example. Here's a husband. He knew his wife's language 733 00:38:37,450 --> 00:38:41,049 S7: was quality time. So Friday night at dinner, he said 734 00:38:41,050 --> 00:38:44,130 S7: to her, honey, how about in the morning? You and 735 00:38:44,130 --> 00:38:46,290 S7: I get up early and we go spend the whole 736 00:38:46,290 --> 00:38:50,210 S7: morning hiking together up at Pilot Mountain, and we can 737 00:38:50,210 --> 00:38:53,969 S7: just be together all morning. And he's thinking in his mind, yeah, 738 00:38:53,969 --> 00:38:56,169 S7: I'm hitting a home run here, man. I just it's 739 00:38:56,170 --> 00:38:59,529 S7: going to be great all morning with her. And she said, honey, 740 00:39:00,410 --> 00:39:03,890 S7: I've got my Saturday already planned. He said, oh honey, 741 00:39:03,890 --> 00:39:07,129 S7: you can put those off to next week. So he 742 00:39:07,130 --> 00:39:09,290 S7: feels like he's hitting a home run with her because 743 00:39:09,290 --> 00:39:13,450 S7: he knows quality times are language. But she she would 744 00:39:13,450 --> 00:39:16,090 S7: love to spend the morning with him. But let's plan it. 745 00:39:16,090 --> 00:39:18,569 S7: Let's think about what next Saturday or the Saturday, let's 746 00:39:18,570 --> 00:39:23,569 S7: put it on the calendar. So understanding the dialect of 747 00:39:23,570 --> 00:39:28,250 S7: quality time is really, really important. Dreaming is another one there. 748 00:39:28,290 --> 00:39:30,729 S7: There's some people quality times their language, but the thing 749 00:39:30,730 --> 00:39:34,290 S7: that they really would like to do more often is 750 00:39:34,290 --> 00:39:37,930 S7: to think about the future. Just let's just dream together. 751 00:39:37,969 --> 00:39:39,850 S7: What would you like? Where would you like to go 752 00:39:39,850 --> 00:39:42,529 S7: in the world sometime? You know, in the in the future. 753 00:39:43,010 --> 00:39:46,330 S7: So understanding the dialects again in quality time is going 754 00:39:46,370 --> 00:39:49,770 S7: to help you be more effective in giving in speaking 755 00:39:49,770 --> 00:39:50,890 S7: that language to them. 756 00:39:51,250 --> 00:39:54,890 S1: Wow. So three major things. Just like we talked before 757 00:39:54,890 --> 00:39:59,049 S1: with the words of affirmation improvising now. But there's a 758 00:39:59,090 --> 00:40:01,250 S1: caveat to that, which is and I love this. When 759 00:40:01,250 --> 00:40:04,650 S1: I was reading the book, that improvise is a great idea, 760 00:40:04,650 --> 00:40:08,530 S1: but your spouse might just want space you. Right? So 761 00:40:08,940 --> 00:40:11,460 S1: this goes back to what you said earlier about learning 762 00:40:11,460 --> 00:40:14,980 S1: how to listen. So that might be the person's love language, 763 00:40:14,980 --> 00:40:16,899 S1: love the way they love to be told that they're 764 00:40:16,900 --> 00:40:20,260 S1: loved is by having this quality time together. But again, 765 00:40:20,300 --> 00:40:22,219 S1: this goes back to what I said about Craig. There 766 00:40:22,260 --> 00:40:24,300 S1: are points when you have to say, well, that's not 767 00:40:24,300 --> 00:40:26,700 S1: really where they're at right now, so I'm going to 768 00:40:26,700 --> 00:40:28,780 S1: have to just tell him I love him and but 769 00:40:28,780 --> 00:40:29,980 S1: I'm not going to be able to use their love 770 00:40:29,980 --> 00:40:31,620 S1: language right now because they're not going to be able 771 00:40:31,620 --> 00:40:33,980 S1: to receive it. Is that a practice that has to 772 00:40:33,980 --> 00:40:36,739 S1: be developed over time? Because that takes a certain sophistication? 773 00:40:36,739 --> 00:40:38,900 S1: It seems to me you're right. 774 00:40:38,900 --> 00:40:42,380 S7: And again, this is where questions come in. If he 775 00:40:42,420 --> 00:40:44,780 S7: said to her, honey, would it be meaningful to you 776 00:40:44,780 --> 00:40:47,580 S7: if I, on a Friday night, some Friday night, just 777 00:40:47,580 --> 00:40:50,779 S7: suggested something we do on Saturday morning that we could 778 00:40:50,780 --> 00:40:53,580 S7: spend time together? Would that be meaningful to you? Well, 779 00:40:53,580 --> 00:40:56,299 S7: she'd probably say, honey, no, I don't think you need 780 00:40:56,300 --> 00:40:58,140 S7: to bring it up on Friday night. You need to 781 00:40:58,140 --> 00:41:00,259 S7: tell me a week ahead of time. You know, if 782 00:41:00,300 --> 00:41:02,779 S7: you ask questions, you can learn whether what you have 783 00:41:02,780 --> 00:41:04,779 S7: in mind you're about to do or you want to 784 00:41:04,780 --> 00:41:07,140 S7: do really would be meaningful to them. 785 00:41:08,180 --> 00:41:10,980 S1: Doctor Chapman, that's the second time you've talked about asking questions, 786 00:41:10,980 --> 00:41:13,900 S1: and you referenced it in using it in your own marriage, 787 00:41:13,900 --> 00:41:16,259 S1: and then you just gave it in the hypothetical. So 788 00:41:16,260 --> 00:41:19,820 S1: questions are a wonderfully non-confrontational way to start a dialogue, 789 00:41:19,820 --> 00:41:20,460 S1: are they not? 790 00:41:21,180 --> 00:41:24,980 S7: Yeah, absolutely. In fact, you will not have conversations with 791 00:41:24,980 --> 00:41:27,660 S7: people very well if you don't learn how to ask questions. 792 00:41:28,340 --> 00:41:30,299 S7: And let's face it, some people don't know how to 793 00:41:30,300 --> 00:41:33,860 S7: ask questions. And those people don't have many conversations with people. 794 00:41:34,180 --> 00:41:37,100 S7: They just kind of walk through life walking down the hallway, say, hey, 795 00:41:37,100 --> 00:41:39,620 S7: good morning, how are you? Yeah, yeah. Good good, good, 796 00:41:39,620 --> 00:41:42,140 S7: good to see you. And that's about all they ever 797 00:41:42,140 --> 00:41:44,980 S7: interface with people. They don't ever ask a question of people. 798 00:41:45,219 --> 00:41:49,580 S7: So learning how to ask questions will help you build relationships. 799 00:41:49,580 --> 00:41:51,100 S7: Any kind of relationship. 800 00:41:51,340 --> 00:41:54,940 S1: Yeah. It's important. Okay. So just adding some more of 801 00:41:54,940 --> 00:41:59,660 S1: these dialects managing planning. And you've already talked about dreaming. Dreaming. 802 00:41:59,660 --> 00:42:03,299 S1: So all of those are wonderful ways it seems for 803 00:42:03,300 --> 00:42:05,180 S1: lack of a better word, Doctor Chapman, this is like 804 00:42:05,180 --> 00:42:08,270 S1: the The maturation to me of the five love languages, 805 00:42:08,270 --> 00:42:10,790 S1: we grasp it finally, after 30 years, what these five 806 00:42:10,790 --> 00:42:14,750 S1: languages are. But again, it isn't just I mean, it's 807 00:42:14,790 --> 00:42:17,030 S1: I don't want to minimize the fact that 150 million 808 00:42:17,030 --> 00:42:19,390 S1: people have been impacted, but I think those numbers are 809 00:42:19,390 --> 00:42:22,990 S1: going to be even more doubled, tripled, quadrupled if people 810 00:42:22,989 --> 00:42:26,830 S1: understand these dialects, because so often it's coming from a 811 00:42:26,830 --> 00:42:29,469 S1: right place, it's just landing in the wrong place. And 812 00:42:29,469 --> 00:42:41,149 S1: that's the problem of dialect. And I think we've lost 813 00:42:41,150 --> 00:42:42,989 S1: Doctor Chapman, so we're going to bring him back up 814 00:42:42,989 --> 00:42:44,469 S1: as soon as I get the word from my team. 815 00:42:44,469 --> 00:42:45,910 S1: This is a good chance for me to talk more 816 00:42:45,910 --> 00:42:48,669 S1: about the book. Again, it's called the love language that 817 00:42:48,670 --> 00:42:51,950 S1: matters most How to Personalize love. So they really feel it. 818 00:42:51,950 --> 00:42:55,109 S1: And again, this really is like 2.0 for the five 819 00:42:55,150 --> 00:42:57,629 S1: love languages. He never changes the fact that it's still 820 00:42:57,630 --> 00:43:01,990 S1: words of affirmation quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, 821 00:43:01,989 --> 00:43:05,270 S1: physical touch. We all discover how we like to be 822 00:43:05,270 --> 00:43:08,030 S1: told that we're loved. We're discussing how our partner loves 823 00:43:08,030 --> 00:43:10,230 S1: to be loved as well. And what he's saying is 824 00:43:10,230 --> 00:43:13,109 S1: sometimes there's a disconnect there for the reasons that he 825 00:43:13,110 --> 00:43:15,950 S1: talked about in the book, which I think is extremely important. 826 00:43:15,950 --> 00:43:17,310 S1: So I don't know if we're going to get Doctor 827 00:43:17,310 --> 00:43:19,350 S1: Chapman back or not, but let me just draw you 828 00:43:19,350 --> 00:43:22,870 S1: to the website in the market with Janet. In fact, 829 00:43:22,870 --> 00:43:24,630 S1: let me pause for a minute. Maybe that's not a 830 00:43:24,630 --> 00:43:26,830 S1: bad thing. Maybe you're going to be so curious now 831 00:43:26,830 --> 00:43:29,710 S1: to see how these tactics work in all of the 832 00:43:29,710 --> 00:43:33,109 S1: remaining love languages we didn't touch on. That might be 833 00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:35,029 S1: a catalyst for you to get the book because you're going, well, 834 00:43:35,030 --> 00:43:36,910 S1: you didn't get to my love language. Well, it's there 835 00:43:36,910 --> 00:43:38,950 S1: in the book. Trust me. I've got all kinds of 836 00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:41,029 S1: dog ears and marks in here because it's going to 837 00:43:41,070 --> 00:43:43,950 S1: affect the way I communicate with Craig even better. So 838 00:43:43,950 --> 00:43:46,310 S1: I hope you'll get the book, the love language that 839 00:43:46,310 --> 00:43:48,870 S1: matters most. So go to in the market with Janet Parshall. 840 00:43:49,910 --> 00:43:52,830 S1: There's a red box. It says program Details and Audio. 841 00:43:52,830 --> 00:43:55,310 S1: Click that on and it'll take you to the information 842 00:43:55,310 --> 00:43:57,469 S1: page when you get there. A much longer bio of 843 00:43:57,469 --> 00:44:01,230 S1: Doctor Gary Chapman, a link to his primary website, five 844 00:44:01,270 --> 00:44:04,920 S1: Love Languages. Com Five, by the way, is a number 845 00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:06,640 S1: rather than the word. And on the right hand side, 846 00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:09,160 S1: the book that we've been talking about, the love languages 847 00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:12,080 S1: that matter most, how to personalize love so they really 848 00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:14,680 S1: feel it. Um, it was an eye opener for me. 849 00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:16,840 S1: And like I said, I'm one of those old married 850 00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,719 S1: ladies that have been around with the same fella for 851 00:44:18,719 --> 00:44:20,480 S1: over half a century. And you know what? You are 852 00:44:20,480 --> 00:44:22,960 S1: never too old to learn. I don't want to miss 853 00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:24,960 S1: the mark. I want to make sure I am really 854 00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:28,680 S1: conveying love to my partner in a way that he 855 00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:31,560 S1: really understands and feels it, and that's what this book does. 856 00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:33,920 S1: It teaches you all about it. It is a much 857 00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:36,120 S1: anticipated book, and I have a funny feeling it's going 858 00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:38,240 S1: to be a bestseller as well. So get your copy now. 859 00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:40,479 S1: It's right there on the information page in the market 860 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:44,080 S1: with Janet Parshall. And go to the information page and 861 00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:45,879 S1: you'll be able to click on your way through. Don't 862 00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:48,560 S1: forget we are listener supported radio on our front page. 863 00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:51,319 S1: We always have the truth tool of the month. If 864 00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:53,040 S1: you would love that truth tool you just give a 865 00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:54,799 S1: gift of any amount. We'll send it your way by 866 00:44:54,800 --> 00:45:00,080 S1: calling 877 Janet 58. That's 877 Janet 50. Thanks, friends. 867 00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:01,560 S1: We'll see you next time on In the Market with 868 00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:02,440 S1: Janet Parshall.