1 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:09,080 S1: Want to improve your people skills. And what are people 2 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:12,959 S1: skills in our digital world? Do we even need people 3 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:18,000 S1: skills anymore? Author speaker Councillor Deborah Falletta believes healthy people 4 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:23,079 S1: foster healthy relationships and that people skills matter more than 5 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:26,560 S1: we realize because they set the stage for how you 6 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:29,840 S1: come across to others, as well as your effectiveness in 7 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:32,839 S1: the way you show your love. They pave the way, 8 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:36,320 S1: she says, for the intentions of your heart, to get 9 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:39,600 S1: communicated in a way that's meaningful and impactful to the 10 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:44,000 S1: people around you. Your skills will either convey your love 11 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:48,400 S1: or convolute your love. Let's do a little people skills 12 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:51,080 S1: work today at the radio backyard fence. Welcome to Chris 13 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:54,200 S1: Fabry live program from the heart to the heart for 14 00:00:54,200 --> 00:01:01,570 S1: the heart online. Chris for our team behind the scenes. Ryan. McConaughey. Tricia. Lisa, 15 00:01:01,570 --> 00:01:03,930 S1: Josh is here. And let me thank our friends and 16 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:07,850 S1: partners who support us, who allow us to have conversations 17 00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:10,250 S1: like this one and the one we had last week 18 00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:13,130 S1: with Laura Perry's Smalltalk. Laura thought she was a man 19 00:01:13,130 --> 00:01:15,810 S1: trapped in a woman's body, and a lot of people 20 00:01:15,810 --> 00:01:18,089 S1: she knew agreed with her, and she went to great 21 00:01:18,090 --> 00:01:21,090 S1: lengths to change so that she could be who she 22 00:01:21,090 --> 00:01:24,690 S1: felt she was. But after all those treatments, all those surgeries, 23 00:01:24,690 --> 00:01:27,330 S1: she realized something her parents had been trying to tell 24 00:01:27,330 --> 00:01:31,010 S1: her and the love her parents lived out in front 25 00:01:31,010 --> 00:01:33,729 S1: of her. The faith they conveyed to her made all 26 00:01:33,730 --> 00:01:36,449 S1: the difference. I sent out a back fence post today. 27 00:01:36,450 --> 00:01:38,730 S1: It's a video. A little bit of the conversation I 28 00:01:38,730 --> 00:01:41,649 S1: had with Laura last week. That's part of what you received. 29 00:01:41,650 --> 00:01:43,890 S1: When you give a gift each month and become a 30 00:01:43,890 --> 00:01:47,090 S1: back fence partner. Get that video every Thursday, and there 31 00:01:47,090 --> 00:01:49,210 S1: are other things that you get when you support us 32 00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:52,290 S1: each month. Become a back fence partner today. Just go 33 00:01:52,290 --> 00:01:57,130 S1: to chris.org and find out how. Chris Fabry f a 34 00:01:57,170 --> 00:02:03,380 S1: b r y Chris Fabry live.org or call 86695. Fabry 35 00:02:03,380 --> 00:02:05,340 S1: and thank you for your support. That helps us have 36 00:02:05,340 --> 00:02:09,020 S1: conversations that transform. That's what we're going for, not just 37 00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:12,820 S1: surface alteration or a behavioral tweak here and there, but 38 00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:16,940 S1: real change at the soul level. And I think that 39 00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:19,820 S1: might happen today. I really hope this conversation will be 40 00:02:19,820 --> 00:02:22,860 S1: a light bulb moment for someone. Might be that for me. 41 00:02:22,860 --> 00:02:26,020 S1: Let's find out. Our guest is Deborah Falletta. She is 42 00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:30,700 S1: a licensed professional counselor, best selling author of eight books. 43 00:02:31,139 --> 00:02:34,940 S1: She's the founder of the Deborah Falletta Counselors Network, host 44 00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:39,420 S1: of the popular podcast and nationally syndicated radio show Talk 45 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:43,380 S1: to Me. But her latest book is People Skills. It's 46 00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,940 S1: our featured resource for you. Go to Chris Fabry live.org. 47 00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:50,780 S1: Click through today's information. People skills. Your relationships are only 48 00:02:50,780 --> 00:02:54,100 S1: as strong as your skills. She and her husband John 49 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:57,269 S1: and their four kids live in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. It's a 50 00:02:57,270 --> 00:02:59,870 S1: great area of the country. Deborah, welcome to the program. 51 00:02:59,870 --> 00:03:00,830 S1: How are you doing today? 52 00:03:01,270 --> 00:03:04,429 S2: It's so good to be here with you, Chris. I'm excited. 53 00:03:04,830 --> 00:03:07,150 S1: I am excited to have you here because you're teaching 54 00:03:07,150 --> 00:03:09,669 S1: me stuff through your book, and I know you're going 55 00:03:09,710 --> 00:03:11,950 S1: to teach me stuff. You taught me something before we 56 00:03:11,990 --> 00:03:14,190 S1: went on the air because you gave me this quote, 57 00:03:14,230 --> 00:03:19,310 S1: marriage is a mirror to our childhood wounds. I'm still 58 00:03:19,310 --> 00:03:21,750 S1: thinking about that. You really believe that, don't you? 59 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:26,550 S2: I do, it's it's an opportunity. It's a built in 60 00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:30,550 S2: opportunity for God to reveal to us what he wants 61 00:03:30,550 --> 00:03:33,230 S2: to heal in us. And if we could see it 62 00:03:33,230 --> 00:03:35,230 S2: that way, I think it would change a lot of 63 00:03:35,230 --> 00:03:37,750 S2: how we interact and how we deal with conflict. 64 00:03:37,950 --> 00:03:42,750 S1: Yes, we would embrace, uh, or the triggers. You have 65 00:03:42,750 --> 00:03:44,910 S1: a section in here about triggers. When you are triggered 66 00:03:44,910 --> 00:03:48,910 S1: about something, those triggers point to a place that needs 67 00:03:48,910 --> 00:03:51,670 S1: to be healed. So if you move toward it, rather 68 00:03:51,670 --> 00:03:54,470 S1: than run away from it, it can have a real 69 00:03:54,510 --> 00:03:56,160 S1: reparative effect, Right? 70 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:00,040 S2: Right. And, and maybe we jump right into that. Triggers 71 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:04,840 S2: are an important part of interpersonal relationships. They're an important 72 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,200 S2: part of people skills. But unfortunately, we live in a 73 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:12,480 S2: culture where when you're triggered by someone or something, you 74 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,600 S2: just assume that the problem is with them and that 75 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,480 S2: you just need to remove the trigger from your life 76 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,720 S2: in order for your life to have peace again. But 77 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:27,039 S2: triggers are actually God's way of revealing an emotional wounding, 78 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:31,760 S2: an emotional sore spot, something in us that's getting pressed 79 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:36,880 S2: on and and activated, that needs to be dealt with 80 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,800 S2: and healed. And most often it's something from the past 81 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:45,040 S2: that's getting surfaced by the relationships we have in the present. 82 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,080 S2: The person in front of us may not have caused 83 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,640 S2: the original wound. Maybe I'm feeling rejected or I'm feeling insecure. 84 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,290 S2: They may not have caused the original wound, but they're 85 00:04:56,290 --> 00:04:59,290 S2: pushing on it. In that interaction, and it causes an 86 00:04:59,290 --> 00:05:02,729 S2: emotional reaction. So when we start to understand these things, 87 00:05:02,730 --> 00:05:06,730 S2: it really changes how we act, react and interact in 88 00:05:06,730 --> 00:05:08,570 S2: our interpersonal relationships. 89 00:05:09,210 --> 00:05:12,250 S1: I had that same conversation I mentioned Kelley Flanagan that 90 00:05:12,250 --> 00:05:16,090 S1: we had on earlier this month, and I mentioned this 91 00:05:16,290 --> 00:05:20,289 S1: a look that my that my wife gave me about something, 92 00:05:20,290 --> 00:05:22,409 S1: something I said, something I did. She gave me this 93 00:05:22,410 --> 00:05:25,570 S1: look and I got this physical reaction was like, oh, 94 00:05:25,730 --> 00:05:27,450 S1: and I wanted to, you know, run out of the 95 00:05:27,450 --> 00:05:29,969 S1: room or yell at her or, you know, accuse her 96 00:05:30,010 --> 00:05:33,010 S1: of treating me badly. And I just kind of stopped 97 00:05:33,010 --> 00:05:36,690 S1: and was like, what, what happened here? If you get 98 00:05:36,690 --> 00:05:38,810 S1: to that? And I thought, you know, I'd failed as 99 00:05:38,810 --> 00:05:41,890 S1: a husband and a friend, etc.. But if you get 100 00:05:41,890 --> 00:05:44,970 S1: to the point where you feel something and you respond 101 00:05:45,410 --> 00:05:48,490 S1: to it by saying, wait a minute, what's happening here? 102 00:05:48,770 --> 00:05:50,490 S1: You're on the right track, right? 103 00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:54,529 S2: Right. What's happening in me. I think that's the first 104 00:05:54,529 --> 00:05:58,250 S2: question to ask, and it's a biblical question to ask, 105 00:05:58,250 --> 00:06:03,250 S2: because in Matthew chapter seven, we're told to look at 106 00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:07,409 S2: the plank in our own eye before we remove the 107 00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:11,729 S2: speck from our brother's eyes. First, remove the plank from 108 00:06:11,730 --> 00:06:14,970 S2: your own eye and then you will see clearly to 109 00:06:15,010 --> 00:06:18,210 S2: remove the speck from your brother's eye. And I think 110 00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:22,010 S2: the principle there is that oftentimes when we are triggered 111 00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:25,890 S2: in interpersonal relationships, when there's conflict in our relationships, we're 112 00:06:25,890 --> 00:06:30,050 S2: having issues with our people skills. We often assume it's 113 00:06:30,050 --> 00:06:33,729 S2: about the other person. They're doing something wrong. They are annoying. 114 00:06:33,730 --> 00:06:36,930 S2: They are frustrating. They don't understand me, they are rude. 115 00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:40,690 S2: And I'm having this emotional reaction response. But in order 116 00:06:40,690 --> 00:06:44,890 S2: for me to be able to even offer them feedback 117 00:06:45,290 --> 00:06:49,490 S2: or correction or critique, I need to see clearly first. 118 00:06:49,770 --> 00:06:53,460 S2: And that starts with removing the plank from my own eye. 119 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:57,820 S2: That starts with doing the work in myself first. So 120 00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:00,780 S2: sometimes I tell my clients it's an 80 over 20. 121 00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:05,540 S2: You do the work in you 80%, and then you'll 122 00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:08,380 S2: be able to go to your brother, your friend, your 123 00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:11,260 S2: spouse and say, hey, here's what I need you to 124 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:15,380 S2: work on. Change, adjust, but not before you've done the 125 00:07:15,420 --> 00:07:20,340 S2: work yourself. We have the most role in the equation. 126 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:24,820 S2: We have the biggest role in the equation of relational change, 127 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:27,420 S2: because we're the ones that hold the ingredients that we 128 00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:28,620 S2: can actually change. 129 00:07:28,660 --> 00:07:29,300 S1: Okay, so that's. 130 00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,220 S2: Where the recipe comes to see it that way. 131 00:07:31,260 --> 00:07:33,260 S1: You talk about if you were if I was in 132 00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:35,780 S1: counseling with you, you talk about the recipe that I 133 00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:40,140 S1: cannot change the cake of somebody else's life, but I 134 00:07:40,140 --> 00:07:43,980 S1: can change the recipe, the ingredients that I'm putting into 135 00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:45,300 S1: the relationship. Right? 136 00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:48,380 S2: Right. Yeah. A relationship is like a recipe. That's how 137 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:50,950 S2: we have to see it. The person in front of 138 00:07:50,950 --> 00:07:54,390 S2: me holds a certain set of ingredients, and I hold 139 00:07:54,390 --> 00:07:57,150 S2: a certain set of ingredients. And often people will say, well, 140 00:07:57,150 --> 00:07:59,030 S2: how do I get my son to change? Or how 141 00:07:59,030 --> 00:08:01,190 S2: do I get my spouse to change? Or how do 142 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:05,390 S2: I get my friend to change? You can't. You can't 143 00:08:05,390 --> 00:08:10,590 S2: control their ingredients, but what you can do is you 144 00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:15,310 S2: can refine yours. You can swap out yours, the unhealthy ones. 145 00:08:15,310 --> 00:08:19,270 S2: For healthy ones, you can get higher quality ingredients, you 146 00:08:19,270 --> 00:08:22,750 S2: can work on your ingredients. And when you do that 147 00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:26,750 S2: and you incorporate that, it changes the outcome of the 148 00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:30,710 S2: entire recipe. You can't change people, but you can change 149 00:08:30,710 --> 00:08:33,430 S2: how you come to the table, how you show up 150 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:37,630 S2: in relationships. And that changes the entire equation of the relationship. 151 00:08:37,670 --> 00:08:40,790 S2: Maybe that means learning to speak up more. Maybe that 152 00:08:40,790 --> 00:08:46,069 S2: means learning to have more boundaries. Maybe that means more selflessness, 153 00:08:46,309 --> 00:08:52,079 S2: or more listening. Or just getting inventory of our own triggers. 154 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,480 S2: That can mean many different things. But the idea is 155 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:58,400 S2: that when you begin to change your ingredients, especially in 156 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,520 S2: a difficult relationship or one that you feel stuck, or 157 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,160 S2: you feel like you're seeing patterns repeated over and over again, 158 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:09,200 S2: the most simple way to stop the pattern is to 159 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:14,720 S2: by stopping to engage in that pattern, by doing things differently, 160 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:17,920 S2: by changing your ingredients and it changes the whole recipe. 161 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,679 S1: So there's somebody listening right now who people skills, they 162 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,240 S1: hear that as the head. This is what we're going 163 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,480 S1: to talk about today. And immediately they think of somebody 164 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,120 S1: who doesn't have any people skills and somebody in their 165 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,760 S1: life who they work with or they're married to, or 166 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,560 S1: they're in their family system, friend, neighbor, whatever, and you're 167 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:41,000 S1: thinking of that other person and that's normal. To do 168 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:45,280 S1: what you do in this book, though, is turn the 169 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,890 S1: instead of the one finger pointed at the other. The 170 00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:51,130 S1: three pointed back at you. It turns it back to you. 171 00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:56,450 S1: And that's why I think it's so life changing, life giving. 172 00:09:56,450 --> 00:09:59,370 S1: And we're going to get into that with Deborah Falletta today. 173 00:09:59,370 --> 00:10:03,329 S1: People skills. Your relationships are only as strong as your skills. 174 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:08,650 S1: It's our featured resource@kris.org. I would love to hear from 175 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:12,850 S1: you today as you listen to Deborah explain this about 176 00:10:12,850 --> 00:10:15,370 S1: some of the ways some of the people, some of 177 00:10:15,370 --> 00:10:18,490 S1: your relationships and how they need to get better. We'll 178 00:10:18,490 --> 00:10:30,490 S1: do that straight ahead on Moody Radio. Bestselling author, host 179 00:10:30,490 --> 00:10:34,730 S1: of Talk to Me, Deborah Falletta is with us today. 180 00:10:35,090 --> 00:10:39,370 S1: Her latest is a really good book. It's titled People Skills. 181 00:10:39,610 --> 00:10:43,449 S1: Your relationships are only as strong as your skills. And it's, 182 00:10:43,450 --> 00:10:47,540 S1: it's really, really encouraging in a in some ways really 183 00:10:47,540 --> 00:10:52,460 S1: surprisingly encouraging because sometimes you think the negative is the 184 00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:54,700 S1: negative and you're just terrible. It's like you come up 185 00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:57,180 S1: with a negative thing and it and it can show 186 00:10:57,179 --> 00:11:01,740 S1: you where you're deficient so that you're able to move forward. 187 00:11:01,740 --> 00:11:06,420 S1: Let's talk about that. Um, the social media skills, the 188 00:11:06,460 --> 00:11:10,459 S1: email skills. Do we really need people skills now that 189 00:11:10,460 --> 00:11:14,140 S1: we have all this electronic stuff around us? Deborah. 190 00:11:15,020 --> 00:11:17,339 S2: I would say all the more reason why we need 191 00:11:17,340 --> 00:11:22,380 S2: people skills because we live in such a tech saturated world. 192 00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:26,460 S2: You know, everyone has their screens in front of their face. 193 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:29,420 S2: I mean, sometimes you just walk around, look at a restaurant, 194 00:11:29,420 --> 00:11:32,140 S2: even while people are driving it's screens in front of 195 00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:35,020 S2: your face all the time. And that's becoming the template 196 00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:38,580 S2: for how we interact with people. We don't even need 197 00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:42,340 S2: to interact with people in the same way, because where 198 00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:44,260 S2: you used to have to go to the grocery store 199 00:11:44,630 --> 00:11:48,630 S2: and get your groceries and have an interaction with the cashier. 200 00:11:49,190 --> 00:11:52,430 S2: Now you click a couple buttons on your phone and 201 00:11:52,429 --> 00:11:54,550 S2: you say, leave it at my door, and you don't 202 00:11:54,550 --> 00:11:58,150 S2: even have to have an interaction with anybody. So naturally, 203 00:11:58,309 --> 00:12:03,390 S2: the natural opportunities we had to sharpen our people skills 204 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:06,829 S2: are no longer there. And yet we need people skills 205 00:12:06,830 --> 00:12:12,069 S2: because we're still engaging with people. We still have families 206 00:12:12,070 --> 00:12:15,270 S2: and friends. And for those of us in Christ, all 207 00:12:15,270 --> 00:12:19,110 S2: the more reason, because it is our job to reach 208 00:12:19,110 --> 00:12:22,190 S2: the world with the love that God has put in 209 00:12:22,190 --> 00:12:26,710 S2: our hearts. But unfortunately, the church has a bad reputation 210 00:12:26,710 --> 00:12:31,230 S2: these days in in not having good people skills and 211 00:12:31,230 --> 00:12:35,590 S2: not having good interpersonal relationships. And, and I wonder if 212 00:12:35,590 --> 00:12:40,390 S2: maybe the love that's in our heart isn't being conveyed 213 00:12:40,390 --> 00:12:44,160 S2: in the way that we intend it to be. Because 214 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,880 S2: at the end of the day, it's not about our intentions. 215 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,400 S2: It's about how we actually come across and how we 216 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:52,599 S2: show up in relationships. So I think this is important, 217 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:56,679 S2: not just on an interpersonal level, but really on a 218 00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:58,480 S2: spiritual level as well. 219 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,760 S1: Is that your definition then, of people's skills being able 220 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:05,960 S1: to communicate well? What is in here to the other 221 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,400 S1: person effectively? 222 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,360 S2: I think that's the deepest way to think about it. 223 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,640 S2: And I think about Paul in First Corinthians nine where 224 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:18,720 S2: he says, I have learned to become all things to 225 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:22,280 S2: all people, so that by all means possible, some might 226 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:26,880 S2: be saved. And it's, it's the ability to connect and, 227 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:33,720 S2: and to really speak the language, clear, direct, loving communication 228 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:38,160 S2: to all people so that they can know the love 229 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,880 S2: of God, so that they can be saved. I think 230 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,770 S2: that is really the heart behind Christianity and the heart 231 00:13:44,770 --> 00:13:48,250 S2: behind why we want good people skills. I understand that 232 00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:52,130 S2: some people might want better people skills because they want 233 00:13:52,130 --> 00:13:55,370 S2: to be more influential. They want to be liked. They 234 00:13:55,370 --> 00:13:57,290 S2: want to be all these different things. And I'm not 235 00:13:57,290 --> 00:14:02,410 S2: saying those things aren't a byproduct of learning healthy people skills, 236 00:14:02,410 --> 00:14:05,810 S2: but the real heart behind it for us in Christ 237 00:14:05,850 --> 00:14:08,930 S2: is that so we can convey God's love clearly and 238 00:14:08,929 --> 00:14:12,810 S2: effectively to a lost and desperate world. Who needs it? 239 00:14:12,850 --> 00:14:14,809 S2: We we can't afford to get it wrong when we 240 00:14:14,809 --> 00:14:15,810 S2: think of it that way. 241 00:14:16,929 --> 00:14:18,970 S1: Tricia and I were talking about this yesterday after the 242 00:14:18,970 --> 00:14:24,370 S1: program yesterday about the older generation and and those who 243 00:14:24,370 --> 00:14:28,130 S1: are didn't grow up in with social media and with 244 00:14:28,130 --> 00:14:31,770 S1: all the electronics that we have now and how they 245 00:14:31,810 --> 00:14:36,050 S1: are not every person, but they're more apt to, if 246 00:14:36,090 --> 00:14:38,970 S1: you ask them a question or say something to them, 247 00:14:38,970 --> 00:14:41,780 S1: they're more apt to turn and look you in the eye. 248 00:14:42,420 --> 00:14:44,580 S1: And then if you ask them to, to sit down 249 00:14:44,580 --> 00:14:48,220 S1: on a bench and have a conversation with you rather 250 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:51,340 S1: than the current generation is more and I'm not, you know, 251 00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:55,260 S1: this is not downing anybody who's, you know, has electronics. 252 00:14:55,580 --> 00:15:04,300 S1: It's it's more time is so quantifiably important to people. 253 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:07,340 S1: Whereas those. Do you agree? You know what I'm saying? 254 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,220 S1: Do you agree with it? 255 00:15:08,260 --> 00:15:12,820 S2: Yeah, I do, I do. I think we we see 256 00:15:12,860 --> 00:15:17,420 S2: people almost as a commodity these days. If you're not 257 00:15:17,420 --> 00:15:19,860 S2: doing something for me, I'm just going to swipe left 258 00:15:19,860 --> 00:15:24,020 S2: and move on. And, and we don't really see the 259 00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:28,620 S2: value of each individual person made in the image of God. The, 260 00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:30,900 S2: the way that we should. And I think social media 261 00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:38,940 S2: culture has really exacerbated that because studies show that the 262 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:42,830 S2: more you're on social media. And not. Not only that, Chris, 263 00:15:42,830 --> 00:15:46,710 S2: but even evidence even shows that just having a phone 264 00:15:46,710 --> 00:15:50,870 S2: sitting at the table while you're having a conversation decreases 265 00:15:50,870 --> 00:15:55,150 S2: levels of empathy in a significant way. And it makes 266 00:15:55,150 --> 00:15:57,110 S2: sense to me. Empathy is one of the number one 267 00:15:57,110 --> 00:15:59,030 S2: people's skills. And one of the ones that I dig 268 00:15:59,030 --> 00:16:02,150 S2: into in my book, there's 31 different skills, and that's 269 00:16:02,150 --> 00:16:05,550 S2: a really important one. But the reason I think empathy 270 00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:12,710 S2: is decreased is because the whole experience online with social media, YouTube, Netflix, 271 00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:15,830 S2: whatever it is, is all about me. What am I 272 00:16:15,830 --> 00:16:18,350 S2: thinking and feeling? What do I need? What do I 273 00:16:18,350 --> 00:16:20,870 S2: want to share? What do I want to spotlight? What 274 00:16:20,870 --> 00:16:23,990 S2: do I want to be entertained by? It is catered 275 00:16:23,990 --> 00:16:29,310 S2: to myself. But when you think about it, that does 276 00:16:29,310 --> 00:16:35,110 S2: not come out to healthy people skills that creates unhealthy 277 00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:37,190 S2: people skills. When all I can think about is self. 278 00:16:37,190 --> 00:16:42,800 S2: When I'm so self-absorbed and self-focused and self centered, I'm 279 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:46,200 S2: not going to have empathy, because empathy is the ability 280 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,920 S2: to see what others might be thinking and feeling, to 281 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:53,840 S2: want to tap into their knowledge and their experience. Hey, 282 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,400 S2: I'd love to ask you some questions and I'd love 283 00:16:56,400 --> 00:17:00,320 S2: to learn about you. That's not the culture. We're trained 284 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,640 S2: on social media. We're trained. Let me tell you all 285 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,760 S2: about me. Let me tell you what I'm thinking and 286 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,840 S2: feeling and needing. And. And so it makes sense that 287 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,640 S2: the more we have exposure to social media, the the 288 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,960 S2: less empathy we have in relationships. 289 00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:19,679 S1: In a sense. The media culture has discipled us. I 290 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,760 S1: think John Eldredge has written about that and we talked 291 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,960 S1: about that. It has discipled us. And what you just 292 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:29,280 S1: described in an interpersonal level is the same thing that 293 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:34,239 S1: I see going on in church churches. What do I 294 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,320 S1: get out of it? What I, you know, the pastor's 295 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,040 S1: sermon went too long today, or I didn't like that song. 296 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,520 S1: And why don't we sing this rather than that? You know, 297 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,320 S1: all these things. So I'm going to go to a 298 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,720 S1: different place because I didn't get my needs met here. 299 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,840 S1: And I believe that the church is a place where, 300 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,680 S1: you know, you need to have your, your, your needs met. 301 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:54,000 S1: I think you will get that eventually, somehow. At least 302 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,400 S1: I hope you do. But if you go there as 303 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,440 S1: a consumer, you know, with your plate out and you 304 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:02,360 S1: want all these spaces filled, and if you don't get it, 305 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,639 S1: then you're going to move on to the place. Then you. 306 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:09,840 S1: That's what the church is. It's a consumer oriented entity, right? 307 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:15,320 S2: Yeah. And we carry that same attitude into our relationships. 308 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:19,520 S2: And that's where it gets dangerous. And that's where, you know, we, 309 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,560 S2: we are filled with pride and, and a lack of 310 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:26,119 S2: empathy and a lack of awareness and insight of what's 311 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:29,239 S2: going on inside of us. And we show up to 312 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:32,320 S2: relationships in a really unhealthy way. And I just want 313 00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:34,959 S2: to clarify, I think when sometimes when people hear the 314 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,290 S2: word people skills, they assume it means I'm a good 315 00:18:38,290 --> 00:18:44,250 S2: conversationalist or I'm an extrovert. But that's not what we're 316 00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:47,330 S2: talking about. People skills is much deeper than that. It's 317 00:18:47,330 --> 00:18:51,010 S2: much more complex than that. It challenges us to become 318 00:18:51,010 --> 00:18:54,970 S2: healthier in many different ways, particularly in our emotional intelligence 319 00:18:54,970 --> 00:19:00,330 S2: and understanding our maturity. Because if it's just extroversion. I mean, 320 00:19:00,410 --> 00:19:03,450 S2: I know people who will walk in a room and 321 00:19:03,450 --> 00:19:08,010 S2: they're extroverted, all right? But they're also akin to a 322 00:19:08,010 --> 00:19:11,929 S2: attention vortex. They take all of the attention in the 323 00:19:11,930 --> 00:19:15,090 S2: room on themselves, everything. They make jokes and they want 324 00:19:15,130 --> 00:19:18,490 S2: to converse about themselves, and they don't make space for 325 00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:22,609 S2: other people. So just because you're an extrovert does not 326 00:19:22,609 --> 00:19:26,010 S2: mean you have healthy people skills. We've got to learn 327 00:19:26,010 --> 00:19:29,530 S2: how to honor the person in front of us, to 328 00:19:29,570 --> 00:19:34,580 S2: honor their story and our story. There's a mutuality to 329 00:19:34,619 --> 00:19:37,100 S2: healthy people skills. So I just want to make sure 330 00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:39,140 S2: we clarify that just because you can have a good 331 00:19:39,140 --> 00:19:43,060 S2: conversation or just because you're an extrovert doesn't mean you 332 00:19:43,060 --> 00:19:45,740 S2: have good people skills. People skills are a little bit 333 00:19:45,740 --> 00:19:47,140 S2: deeper than just that. 334 00:19:47,740 --> 00:19:49,900 S1: Well, and it's why I said that we're not just 335 00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:53,340 S1: going for behavior modification here, because you can take the 336 00:19:53,340 --> 00:19:56,619 S1: 31 skills that you have here and take the test, 337 00:19:56,660 --> 00:19:58,859 S1: you know, and you can score high on the questions. 338 00:19:58,859 --> 00:20:02,060 S1: And do I listen and, and what is my body language? 339 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:07,659 S1: You know, you can try to do this in your own, uh, steam, but, uh, 340 00:20:07,660 --> 00:20:10,740 S1: that's not, it's got to come from deeper than that. 341 00:20:10,740 --> 00:20:13,139 S1: It's got to come from the heart. So my next 342 00:20:13,140 --> 00:20:15,739 S1: question is, take us into the marital conflict and you 343 00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:18,740 S1: deal with couples. How much marital conflict would you say 344 00:20:18,780 --> 00:20:23,980 S1: could be curbed by healthy people or healthier people skills? 345 00:20:24,859 --> 00:20:30,939 S2: A lot. So much. I find myself saying in counseling 346 00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:33,710 S2: on a regular basis when I'm working with a couple 347 00:20:34,270 --> 00:20:38,990 S2: in certain situations, it's not a lack of love, it's 348 00:20:38,990 --> 00:20:43,669 S2: a lack of skill. It's something that one or both 349 00:20:43,670 --> 00:20:46,470 S2: of you have never been taught how to. You've never 350 00:20:46,470 --> 00:20:50,030 S2: been taught how to do this well. For example, emotional 351 00:20:50,030 --> 00:20:53,989 S2: connection is a people skill. Being able to reach the 352 00:20:53,990 --> 00:20:56,750 S2: person in front of me on a deeper level emotionally, 353 00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,710 S2: to talk about things that are a little bit deeper 354 00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:02,150 S2: in people skills. I talk about different levels of conversation. 355 00:21:02,150 --> 00:21:06,630 S2: Level one is the facts, level two is the opinions 356 00:21:06,630 --> 00:21:11,670 S2: and ideas. Level three is the feelings, the emotions, and 357 00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:14,310 S2: level four is is deepest of all our faith, our 358 00:21:14,310 --> 00:21:18,830 S2: experience with God, our relationship with him, our convictions, those 359 00:21:18,830 --> 00:21:22,510 S2: things that really make us feel vulnerable. And with each level, 360 00:21:22,510 --> 00:21:25,429 S2: we get a little bit more vulnerable. You know, sometimes 361 00:21:25,430 --> 00:21:28,510 S2: you're raised in a family where you're just comfortable at 362 00:21:28,550 --> 00:21:31,230 S2: level one with maybe a little level two, and you're 363 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,840 S2: trying to engage with your spouse on level. How is 364 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,399 S2: your day and what are you up to? And I 365 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,400 S2: have a meeting tomorrow and, and you don't understand why 366 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:44,240 S2: your spouse is feeling disconnected from you. It's because there's 367 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,840 S2: a lack of level three and level four. It's not 368 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:52,160 S2: part of how you do interaction. Emotional connection hasn't been 369 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:55,160 S2: a skill that you've been taught. I remember working with 370 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,920 S2: a gentleman, Chris, and I said, you know, let's talk 371 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,920 S2: about your emotions for a little bit. Let's tap into 372 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,679 S2: some of them. And he's like, honestly, Deborah, I don't 373 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,399 S2: feel like I have many. I don't know that I 374 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:10,280 S2: even have any. I haven't really been taught to think 375 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:15,480 S2: in this way. And honestly, sometimes when you go through hardships, 376 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:19,040 S2: when you go through trauma, especially at an early age, 377 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:23,640 S2: your nervous system learns to kind of tune down the 378 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:27,560 S2: emotional dial, to kind of put it on mute so 379 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:32,250 S2: that you can experience these hard situations, these traumas, these hardships. 380 00:22:32,530 --> 00:22:37,570 S2: But if they stay on mute, then we become adults 381 00:22:37,570 --> 00:22:40,570 S2: who are not in tune to our deeper feelings because 382 00:22:40,570 --> 00:22:43,530 S2: we think we just don't have many. But emotions are 383 00:22:43,530 --> 00:22:48,130 S2: not a gender specific thing. Emotions are a human thing 384 00:22:48,290 --> 00:22:51,530 S2: given to us by a God who gives us this 385 00:22:51,530 --> 00:22:55,370 S2: beautiful signal that he wants us to pay attention to. 386 00:22:55,730 --> 00:22:58,450 S2: And so some of this work, when you when you 387 00:22:58,450 --> 00:23:01,730 S2: really look at it, is a matter of skills that 388 00:23:01,730 --> 00:23:05,010 S2: haven't been taught. And they do get in the way 389 00:23:05,010 --> 00:23:07,290 S2: of how we do relationships. They do get in the 390 00:23:07,290 --> 00:23:09,090 S2: way of healthy marriage. 391 00:23:10,770 --> 00:23:14,210 S1: You just explained my life again right there. It's like 392 00:23:14,250 --> 00:23:18,490 S1: because I've, I've lived a lot of my life, especially from, 393 00:23:18,530 --> 00:23:23,810 S1: you know, early on trying not to feel anything on mute, 394 00:23:23,810 --> 00:23:28,210 S1: like you say, uh, intentionally kind of lived in front 395 00:23:28,210 --> 00:23:31,740 S1: of me. But life goes better that way. You have 396 00:23:31,740 --> 00:23:36,460 S1: less conflict. You. You are able to be comforted much 397 00:23:36,660 --> 00:23:40,060 S1: easier because it takes less to comfort you. You know 398 00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:43,500 S1: when when everything is muted around you and when you 399 00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:48,780 S1: do have the feelings, then you pretty much run from 400 00:23:48,820 --> 00:23:52,300 S1: run from that because it doesn't feel, you know, it's like, 401 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:55,580 S1: I don't, I don't want to feel this way. Right? 402 00:23:55,820 --> 00:23:56,580 S1: And so. 403 00:23:56,619 --> 00:23:59,780 S2: And everything you just mentioned is a belief system. It's 404 00:23:59,780 --> 00:24:02,979 S2: not actually true what you said, you know, life feels 405 00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:07,820 S2: easier and conflict feels easier. And those are the belief 406 00:24:07,820 --> 00:24:11,540 S2: systems that you carried, not necessarily truth. Those are if 407 00:24:11,580 --> 00:24:14,620 S2: we aligned those up with with God's truth, we would 408 00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:17,980 S2: have a very different story. But that's the belief system 409 00:24:17,980 --> 00:24:21,780 S2: that you carried. And so you adapt your emotions to 410 00:24:21,820 --> 00:24:24,459 S2: that belief system. Like, well, emotions are just going to 411 00:24:24,460 --> 00:24:28,430 S2: get in the way. Emotions just make relationships more complicated. 412 00:24:28,430 --> 00:24:31,230 S2: Emotions don't feel good. They just get in the way 413 00:24:31,230 --> 00:24:33,470 S2: of relationships. It'd be better not to feel them. It'd 414 00:24:33,510 --> 00:24:35,629 S2: be better not to have them. I don't know how. 415 00:24:35,630 --> 00:24:35,750 S1: To. 416 00:24:35,790 --> 00:24:36,350 S2: Handle them. 417 00:24:36,710 --> 00:24:39,229 S1: When they come up. I don't know how to handle it. 418 00:24:39,230 --> 00:24:42,510 S1: And I fly off the handle or I respond, right. Uh, 419 00:24:42,790 --> 00:24:45,710 S1: not not in a good way. And so I'm going 420 00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:49,030 S1: to be have people skills and not have any emotion. 421 00:24:49,030 --> 00:24:51,190 S1: And then you don't, you don't live. 422 00:24:51,230 --> 00:24:55,270 S2: Right, right, right. And maybe you don't even do it consciously. 423 00:24:55,270 --> 00:24:58,429 S2: Like most people aren't even aware that this is what's 424 00:24:58,430 --> 00:25:01,550 S2: happening inside of them. They're not even aware. But these 425 00:25:01,550 --> 00:25:04,990 S2: coping skills that we develop at a young age that 426 00:25:04,990 --> 00:25:08,510 S2: served us in one season by keeping us out of trouble, 427 00:25:08,510 --> 00:25:13,709 S2: keeping us safe, keeping the uncomfortable emotions down, the same 428 00:25:13,869 --> 00:25:18,109 S2: coping skills that served us in one season, sabotage us 429 00:25:18,109 --> 00:25:22,629 S2: in another season if they're not faced and confronted and 430 00:25:22,630 --> 00:25:27,000 S2: aligned with truth, aligned with health. Aligned with God's will 431 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,520 S2: and God's best for our life. When Jesus says, love 432 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:32,880 S2: the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. 433 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:35,600 S2: Emotions are a part of that equation. 434 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:38,960 S1: Bingo. Deborah Falletta is with us. You want to talk 435 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:41,280 S1: with her? Is there something roll around your soul that 436 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:46,879 S1: you've heard so far? Eight. Seven. Seven. Five. Four. Eight. Three. Six. Seven. Five. 437 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,760 S1: Go to the website or featured resources. Her new book, 438 00:25:49,800 --> 00:26:05,960 S1: People Skills. Deborah Falletta says the problem you have in 439 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:11,560 S1: a relationship is not a love deficit, it's a skill deficit. 440 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,399 S1: This was the encouraging part of the book as I 441 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,879 S1: was going through it, because if it's a skill deficit, 442 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,960 S1: then there's hope for me. I, I can learn to. 443 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,530 S1: I can see what the deficit is. I can learn 444 00:26:25,530 --> 00:26:29,450 S1: a new way to live, live differently, love differently. And 445 00:26:29,450 --> 00:26:33,369 S1: that's what she goes through in the new book, People Skills. 446 00:26:33,730 --> 00:26:37,090 S1: Your relationships are only as strong as your skills. It's 447 00:26:37,090 --> 00:26:43,530 S1: our featured resource today@kris.org. Kris dot one of the points 448 00:26:43,530 --> 00:26:47,890 S1: that you made, Deborah, is that we see other people's 449 00:26:48,330 --> 00:26:51,770 S1: people's skill deficit, you know, and you tell some really, 450 00:26:51,770 --> 00:26:53,970 S1: really good stories and maybe we'll get to some of those. 451 00:26:54,210 --> 00:26:57,090 S1: But I have this question for you. If we we 452 00:26:57,130 --> 00:27:01,290 S1: can't see our own, if the people who need people's 453 00:27:01,290 --> 00:27:06,170 S1: skills the most aren't skilled enough to recognize their own deficit, 454 00:27:06,410 --> 00:27:10,090 S1: as you said, um, what were the, what were the 455 00:27:10,090 --> 00:27:14,490 S1: skills that you were unable to see in your own 456 00:27:14,490 --> 00:27:16,730 S1: life that took you a while to notice? 457 00:27:17,369 --> 00:27:21,570 S2: Yeah. Well, if you think about it, Chris, we tend 458 00:27:21,570 --> 00:27:27,740 S2: to choose what's familiar over what's healthy. What's familiar becomes 459 00:27:27,740 --> 00:27:30,460 S2: our norm. And so think about the family that you 460 00:27:30,460 --> 00:27:33,100 S2: grew up in, the context that you grew up in. 461 00:27:33,660 --> 00:27:36,420 S2: One of the phrases that we often say in counseling 462 00:27:36,420 --> 00:27:41,060 S2: is that healthy skills are not taught. They're caught. So 463 00:27:41,060 --> 00:27:44,139 S2: for young children, especially, the things that you see are 464 00:27:44,140 --> 00:27:46,740 S2: the things you're going to learn and most likely repeat. 465 00:27:47,220 --> 00:27:50,780 S2: And for me, growing up in a ministry family, I 466 00:27:50,820 --> 00:27:57,260 S2: didn't understand the skill of boundaries and specifically that not 467 00:27:57,260 --> 00:28:01,660 S2: all people should have the same level of access to me. 468 00:28:02,220 --> 00:28:05,180 S2: You know, growing up in church and in ministry, you 469 00:28:05,180 --> 00:28:09,580 S2: just assume we need to love all people and, you know, 470 00:28:09,619 --> 00:28:13,460 S2: let everybody in without limits because that's what God calls 471 00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:17,300 S2: us to do. But again, that's a faulty belief system 472 00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:21,139 S2: that's neither aligned with truth nor scripture. I mean, even 473 00:28:21,140 --> 00:28:26,550 S2: Jesus had boundaries, and Jesus only allowed certain people access 474 00:28:26,550 --> 00:28:29,230 S2: to the closest parts of who he was. And so 475 00:28:29,230 --> 00:28:32,109 S2: for me, it's been a journey over the years of 476 00:28:32,109 --> 00:28:37,870 S2: learning that not all people are invited to have access 477 00:28:37,869 --> 00:28:41,230 S2: to my heart, to my life, to my schedule. You know, 478 00:28:41,710 --> 00:28:45,150 S2: and setting limits and boundaries to keep me and my 479 00:28:45,150 --> 00:28:50,310 S2: family healthy has been a really important part of the journey. Um, 480 00:28:50,310 --> 00:28:52,870 S2: and it's a people skill. It's something that you have 481 00:28:52,870 --> 00:28:56,590 S2: to learn and to cultivate. And even as you look 482 00:28:56,590 --> 00:28:59,310 S2: at relationships, one of the chapters in people skills is 483 00:28:59,310 --> 00:29:04,750 S2: called loving at a distance and learning that healthy relationships are, 484 00:29:04,750 --> 00:29:07,270 S2: are not necessarily an on or off button. You're either 485 00:29:07,270 --> 00:29:10,350 S2: healthy or you're not. It's more like a spectrum of 486 00:29:10,350 --> 00:29:12,550 S2: 0 to 10. You know, let's say ten out of 487 00:29:12,550 --> 00:29:15,470 S2: ten is the healthiest relationship and zero out of ten 488 00:29:15,510 --> 00:29:20,469 S2: is the unhealthiest. The healthier the relationship is, the more 489 00:29:20,670 --> 00:29:24,070 S2: access and engagement you can allow that person into your life. 490 00:29:24,270 --> 00:29:27,190 S2: Whereas the unhealthier it is, maybe it's a two or 491 00:29:27,190 --> 00:29:31,310 S2: a three out of ten. The less amount of access 492 00:29:31,310 --> 00:29:34,510 S2: and engagement you allow that person to have in your life, 493 00:29:34,510 --> 00:29:38,350 S2: it's not all the same. And I see this becoming 494 00:29:38,350 --> 00:29:42,390 S2: a real problem in our culture today, Chris. Probably for 495 00:29:42,390 --> 00:29:44,590 S2: a different reason than it was for me. You know, 496 00:29:44,630 --> 00:29:47,590 S2: I say to my childhood, it was like, everybody is invited. 497 00:29:47,590 --> 00:29:52,550 S2: Everybody is welcome. Everybody has access. Unfortunately, today, I think 498 00:29:52,550 --> 00:29:57,550 S2: we're kind of overcompensating for that by having no contact 499 00:29:57,550 --> 00:30:01,430 S2: with people who offend us in minor ways. It's like, well, 500 00:30:01,430 --> 00:30:05,390 S2: I'm setting a boundary and we mistake the word boundaries 501 00:30:05,390 --> 00:30:08,710 S2: to mean I'm just withdrawing. I'm just cancelling this from 502 00:30:08,710 --> 00:30:11,550 S2: my life. I'm just pulling away permanently. So I feel 503 00:30:11,550 --> 00:30:15,030 S2: like we've swung in the opposite direction, but both extremes 504 00:30:15,030 --> 00:30:16,110 S2: are unhealthy. 505 00:30:17,550 --> 00:30:20,680 S1: Okay, so and there's so many things that you deal with. 506 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:23,960 S1: I want to jump to social anxiety because it kind 507 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:25,840 S1: of fits in with what you just talked about with 508 00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:29,800 S1: your own childhood. Uh, you'll talk about going in into 509 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,600 S1: a room full of people and how do you feel 510 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:39,120 S1: as you walk in? Will you feel anxious because they're 511 00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,360 S1: best dressed better than you are, or they look better 512 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:44,400 S1: than you do? Or do you feel confidence as you 513 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:48,760 S1: walk in? And my guess is in your childhood, your parents, 514 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:53,520 S1: your family of origin gave you kind of confidence, gave 515 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:57,120 S1: you the the wings to go into any room and 516 00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:01,720 S1: just make people smile and, and engage very well so 517 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:04,120 S1: that you didn't feel less than as you walked in 518 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:05,640 S1: that room. Is that true? 519 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:10,160 S2: You're right. That's definitely how it was for me growing up. 520 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:13,680 S2: But it's interesting because it's not that way for everybody 521 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:17,400 S2: and in people skills. I even posed the question, I 522 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:21,650 S2: wonder if shyness is not actually a personality trait, but 523 00:31:21,650 --> 00:31:24,770 S2: an underlying belief system where you walk in a room 524 00:31:24,770 --> 00:31:27,970 S2: and you believe, I don't have anything to offer. I 525 00:31:28,010 --> 00:31:32,850 S2: am less than the people around me. I don't belong here. 526 00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:34,890 S2: People look better than me. What are they going to 527 00:31:34,930 --> 00:31:39,010 S2: think of me? I wonder if shyness, specifically some of 528 00:31:39,050 --> 00:31:43,370 S2: that shyness that we carry, is actually an underlying belief 529 00:31:43,370 --> 00:31:47,330 S2: system that needs to be adjusted and aligned to truth. 530 00:31:47,450 --> 00:31:49,570 S2: Because one of the activities I have you do in 531 00:31:49,570 --> 00:31:51,770 S2: people skills is imagine you're walking into a room with 532 00:31:51,770 --> 00:31:55,370 S2: 99 other people. How do you show up in that space? 533 00:31:55,530 --> 00:31:59,170 S2: But more importantly than how you show up, the question is, 534 00:31:59,170 --> 00:32:01,330 S2: why do you show up that way? What are the 535 00:32:01,330 --> 00:32:04,490 S2: underlying belief systems that you carry with you into that 536 00:32:04,490 --> 00:32:08,650 S2: room that then inform how you feel that then inform 537 00:32:08,650 --> 00:32:12,530 S2: how you engage, interact, and behave with the people around you. 538 00:32:12,530 --> 00:32:15,010 S2: So this is where you said, Chris, it's not just 539 00:32:15,010 --> 00:32:18,860 S2: superficial skills. It does require you to go a little 540 00:32:18,900 --> 00:32:21,260 S2: bit deeper and get to some of these roots and 541 00:32:21,260 --> 00:32:23,580 S2: really heal on a deeper level. 542 00:32:23,980 --> 00:32:27,100 S1: Social anxiety is guaranteed to creep in when we start 543 00:32:27,100 --> 00:32:30,700 S1: to list out all that we lack. And as I 544 00:32:30,700 --> 00:32:33,220 S1: read that, it's like, that's it. If I come into 545 00:32:33,220 --> 00:32:36,300 S1: this conversation here today, it's like, ah, did you get 546 00:32:36,300 --> 00:32:38,020 S1: to read the whole book? And if I don't read 547 00:32:38,020 --> 00:32:39,460 S1: the whole book, I'm not going to we're not going 548 00:32:39,460 --> 00:32:41,220 S1: to have a good conversation. We're not going to get 549 00:32:41,260 --> 00:32:43,420 S1: to the deep part of, you know, if you if 550 00:32:43,460 --> 00:32:45,740 S1: you think that way, if you come into it that way, 551 00:32:45,740 --> 00:32:48,340 S1: then it's probably not going to be as good. But 552 00:32:48,340 --> 00:32:50,540 S1: if you say, boy, I've got some really good questions 553 00:32:50,540 --> 00:32:53,860 S1: that I want Debra to talk about here today, then 554 00:32:53,860 --> 00:32:56,700 S1: then you're bringing yourself and that's where you you said 555 00:32:56,700 --> 00:32:59,420 S1: something in the book that reminded me of an actor. 556 00:32:59,420 --> 00:33:03,740 S1: Bryan Cranston said that everything changed for him in Hollywood 557 00:33:03,780 --> 00:33:06,740 S1: and his work for Hollywood when he had an agent 558 00:33:06,740 --> 00:33:11,140 S1: say to him, don't go to an audition to get 559 00:33:11,140 --> 00:33:15,990 S1: a part. Go to an audition to give a performance. 560 00:33:16,270 --> 00:33:19,390 S1: And he said, when I started doing that, I started 561 00:33:19,390 --> 00:33:22,470 S1: to see that I wasn't going there with all of 562 00:33:22,470 --> 00:33:25,030 S1: the outcome, you know, looking for the outcome. I got 563 00:33:25,030 --> 00:33:26,790 S1: to get that job, I got to get that part. 564 00:33:26,830 --> 00:33:29,310 S1: He said what I was doing was I was going 565 00:33:29,350 --> 00:33:32,830 S1: there to to read for them to play a part, 566 00:33:32,830 --> 00:33:35,830 S1: to give a performance and then let go of it. 567 00:33:35,830 --> 00:33:38,870 S1: And if and if that's exactly it, that's what you said. 568 00:33:38,870 --> 00:33:43,110 S1: So you are going to give not to receive. Right. 569 00:33:43,150 --> 00:33:46,670 S2: Exactly. We, when we walk in a room with the 570 00:33:46,670 --> 00:33:50,750 S2: attitude of what am I receiving? AM I receiving their approval? 571 00:33:50,790 --> 00:33:52,870 S2: Do they like me? Will they like me? What do 572 00:33:52,870 --> 00:33:54,550 S2: they think of how I'm going to look and say? 573 00:33:54,550 --> 00:33:56,870 S2: And am I. Are they going to be bored? All 574 00:33:56,870 --> 00:34:02,990 S2: these things are things that we're going into receive approval, validation, self-worth. 575 00:34:02,990 --> 00:34:06,310 S2: I'm there to receive it. And that will fuel social 576 00:34:06,310 --> 00:34:11,030 S2: anxiety in a significant way. But if we're there to give, 577 00:34:11,190 --> 00:34:15,000 S2: my goal in walking in this room is to give encouragement, 578 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,759 S2: to give affirmation, to give kindness, to give the love 579 00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,160 S2: that's in my heart, to use the voice that God 580 00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:24,600 S2: has given me to bless and encourage. Like first Thessalonians 581 00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:28,600 S2: 511 says, encourage and edify one another. If that's my 582 00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:32,000 S2: heart walking into a room, I'm not there to receive, 583 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:35,120 S2: I'm there to give. And it changes how we show 584 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:38,880 S2: up in this space. That small reframe can have a 585 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:42,279 S2: big difference in what we feel when we walk in 586 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:45,200 S2: a room, and then how we act and interact from 587 00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:46,000 S2: that point. 588 00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:49,120 S1: And if you take it into the audition, you can say, 589 00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:51,200 S1: you know, if they don't choose you for the part, 590 00:34:51,239 --> 00:34:54,080 S1: then you know, they must think you're bad. They must think, well, 591 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:57,680 S1: maybe you weren't the, the right skin color or, you know, 592 00:34:57,719 --> 00:34:59,560 S1: they were looking for a female and you're a male 593 00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:01,799 S1: or vice versa. It could be so many reasons. It's 594 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:04,719 S1: not you. It's not don't take it personally. Or I 595 00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:08,000 S1: walked into church and nobody spoke to me. I said, 596 00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:10,960 S1: I've come to this church for, you know, six months 597 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:13,730 S1: and there's not been one person who has spoken to me. 598 00:35:13,770 --> 00:35:17,489 S1: It's like there's a problem there. But here's the other problem. 599 00:35:17,530 --> 00:35:20,170 S1: How many people have you touched on the shoulder and 600 00:35:20,330 --> 00:35:25,130 S1: or just spoken to yourself? How many people have you engaged? 601 00:35:25,170 --> 00:35:27,130 S1: That's what you're talking about, right? 602 00:35:27,170 --> 00:35:30,250 S2: Exactly. And that's the definition of vulnerability. One of the 603 00:35:30,250 --> 00:35:33,210 S2: chapters is all about vulnerability. And if I had to 604 00:35:33,250 --> 00:35:36,850 S2: sum it up, it's the idea that you go first. 605 00:35:37,170 --> 00:35:40,690 S2: You go first with that interaction. You go first with 606 00:35:40,690 --> 00:35:45,209 S2: sharing something meaningful. You go first with being authentic. You 607 00:35:45,210 --> 00:35:49,810 S2: go first in initiating an interaction. And when we do that, 608 00:35:49,850 --> 00:35:54,250 S2: it begins to change our interpersonal relationships. And, and I 609 00:35:54,250 --> 00:35:58,130 S2: think it's, it's a big mindset shift when we begin 610 00:35:58,130 --> 00:36:02,009 S2: to walk into places with that thought at the front 611 00:36:02,010 --> 00:36:05,010 S2: of our mind, let me go first and see how 612 00:36:05,010 --> 00:36:07,050 S2: it impacts this interaction. 613 00:36:07,370 --> 00:36:14,420 S1: MM. What are the symptoms of lacking people skills. I 614 00:36:14,420 --> 00:36:16,860 S1: want Debra to answer that question when we come back. 615 00:36:17,219 --> 00:36:19,979 S1: People skills. Your relationships are only as strong as your 616 00:36:19,980 --> 00:36:23,260 S1: skills is our featured resource. If you click through today's 617 00:36:23,260 --> 00:36:28,700 S1: information right there@chris.com, you'll also see it on the home page. 618 00:36:28,900 --> 00:36:32,740 S1: Debra is our guest to find out more about her, 619 00:36:32,739 --> 00:36:35,419 S1: we have a link to her website as well right there. 620 00:36:35,420 --> 00:36:50,380 S1: Chris Fabry dot. More straight ahead on Moody Radio. We 621 00:36:50,420 --> 00:36:53,260 S1: are working on our people skills with Deborah Falletta today. 622 00:36:53,300 --> 00:36:56,220 S1: F I l e t a. Find out more about 623 00:36:56,219 --> 00:36:59,980 S1: her and the new book, People Skills. Your relationships are 624 00:36:59,980 --> 00:37:03,820 S1: only as strong as your Skills. She is host of 625 00:37:03,860 --> 00:37:08,900 S1: the Talk to Me Show podcast radio show she and 626 00:37:08,900 --> 00:37:12,510 S1: her husband John, live in Lancaster with their four children. 627 00:37:13,190 --> 00:37:16,270 S1: And so this whole idea of how do I know 628 00:37:16,270 --> 00:37:20,669 S1: that I need my people skills, need an overhaul? Can 629 00:37:20,670 --> 00:37:23,109 S1: you is it something I look in myself or do 630 00:37:23,110 --> 00:37:25,550 S1: I ask my friends, hey, how am I doing here? 631 00:37:25,710 --> 00:37:26,710 S1: What are the symptoms? 632 00:37:26,750 --> 00:37:30,310 S2: Yeah. First of all, I think asking a friend or 633 00:37:30,310 --> 00:37:35,270 S2: someone that you love is a really courageous and important 634 00:37:35,510 --> 00:37:39,509 S2: conversation to have, because people can really be a mirror 635 00:37:39,790 --> 00:37:42,350 S2: to us if they're invited in. And I think that's 636 00:37:42,590 --> 00:37:46,110 S2: something that we don't ask for enough. But I also 637 00:37:46,110 --> 00:37:48,910 S2: think that there are some signs to look for, and 638 00:37:48,910 --> 00:37:51,510 S2: they're going to come out the most in our interpersonal 639 00:37:51,510 --> 00:37:57,230 S2: relationships and interactions, things like you find yourself talking more 640 00:37:57,790 --> 00:38:00,430 S2: than you listen. Maybe you're a talker and you talk 641 00:38:00,469 --> 00:38:02,589 S2: a lot. Remember how we said earlier, just because you're 642 00:38:02,590 --> 00:38:05,710 S2: a good conversationalist doesn't mean you have good people skills. 643 00:38:05,710 --> 00:38:09,360 S2: So look at your listening skills. Maybe you interrupt people 644 00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:11,800 S2: and you know, you're quick to jump in and share 645 00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:17,040 S2: your point without really listening. Maybe you avoid hard conversations. 646 00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:20,000 S2: You mentioned it earlier, Chris. It's almost easier to not 647 00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:24,280 S2: go there. Easier not to rock the boat. Maybe you 648 00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:30,160 S2: view people's thoughts, feelings, perspectives, text messages, emails always through 649 00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:32,720 S2: a negative tone. You know, you always assume that people 650 00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:37,160 S2: are negative. Maybe you are a people pleaser and you 651 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:41,640 S2: over apologize or overexplain or or, you know, give too 652 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:45,760 S2: much in relationships. Maybe you struggle to, to keep people 653 00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:50,040 S2: close and to have good, close friendships. Those are just 654 00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:53,719 S2: some things to look for. You know, shutting down in a, 655 00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:57,879 S2: in a difficult conversation with drawing instead of engaging when 656 00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:01,840 S2: things get difficult. Being able to to walk through conflict 657 00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:03,840 S2: in a healthy way. Being able to use your voice 658 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:06,080 S2: and speak up when you have a feeling and a 659 00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:11,090 S2: need instead of staying quiet. Those are all things that 660 00:39:11,610 --> 00:39:15,730 S2: clue us in that maybe I could use an overhaul. 661 00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:18,609 S2: Maybe I could use some help, some training in my 662 00:39:18,610 --> 00:39:19,529 S2: people skills. 663 00:39:20,130 --> 00:39:22,450 S1: If you grew up in a in a household where 664 00:39:22,450 --> 00:39:25,170 S1: you said don't show any weakness, you know, you got 665 00:39:25,170 --> 00:39:27,490 S1: to be strong. You got to push forward and don't, 666 00:39:27,489 --> 00:39:30,930 S1: don't let them see your, you know, the weaknesses. Then 667 00:39:30,930 --> 00:39:33,810 S1: practicing vulnerability is going to be really hard. So how 668 00:39:33,810 --> 00:39:37,770 S1: do we become more vulnerable? Because I think you're right 669 00:39:37,969 --> 00:39:43,370 S1: that that vulnerability leads to connection rather than having everybody 670 00:39:43,370 --> 00:39:45,049 S1: think that you have it all together. 671 00:39:45,570 --> 00:39:47,930 S2: Yeah. It leads to intimacy and it is going to 672 00:39:47,930 --> 00:39:50,610 S2: be hard. And that's where it takes a lot of practice. 673 00:39:50,610 --> 00:39:53,170 S2: I think one of the best ways to view it 674 00:39:53,810 --> 00:39:57,730 S2: is when we view ourselves as truly the temple of God. 675 00:39:57,930 --> 00:40:00,609 S2: Jesus says that our bodies are a temple, that we 676 00:40:00,610 --> 00:40:04,810 S2: are where he resides. And in that case, I need 677 00:40:04,810 --> 00:40:09,259 S2: to honor myself as if I'm God's temple in the 678 00:40:09,260 --> 00:40:11,340 S2: same way that I honor others. I need to honor 679 00:40:11,340 --> 00:40:15,260 S2: my story at the same time, in the same way 680 00:40:15,380 --> 00:40:17,620 S2: that I honor the story of the person in front 681 00:40:17,620 --> 00:40:19,740 S2: of me. And that leads us to something I wanted 682 00:40:19,739 --> 00:40:23,379 S2: to talk about, Chris, which is our communication styles. And 683 00:40:23,380 --> 00:40:26,339 S2: one way that I just simply map that out for 684 00:40:26,340 --> 00:40:28,779 S2: people is if you were at a restaurant and your 685 00:40:28,780 --> 00:40:32,420 S2: order came out wrong, what would you do? The aggressive 686 00:40:32,420 --> 00:40:35,700 S2: person would would take that waiter and say, listen, my 687 00:40:35,700 --> 00:40:38,180 S2: order is wrong. This isn't what I expected and I 688 00:40:38,180 --> 00:40:40,700 S2: need it changed now. And I want you to compensate 689 00:40:40,700 --> 00:40:43,860 S2: my my money. And, you know, they might be able 690 00:40:43,860 --> 00:40:47,580 S2: to honor their feelings, needs, their story, but not honoring 691 00:40:47,580 --> 00:40:50,940 S2: the person in front of them. Whereas the passive person 692 00:40:50,940 --> 00:40:53,060 S2: might see that meal. It's not what they wanted. Oh, 693 00:40:53,100 --> 00:40:55,460 S2: it's no big deal. I can live with it. The 694 00:40:55,460 --> 00:40:58,260 S2: restaurant's so busy, there's no need to make a fuss. 695 00:40:58,700 --> 00:41:02,219 S2: So they're honoring the person in front of them, the waitress, 696 00:41:02,620 --> 00:41:05,859 S2: but they're not honoring their version of the story. What 697 00:41:05,860 --> 00:41:08,780 S2: they need. And then we move to the passive aggressive 698 00:41:08,780 --> 00:41:11,859 S2: person who might not say anything. I don't want to 699 00:41:11,860 --> 00:41:12,980 S2: rock the boat. I don't want to make a big 700 00:41:12,980 --> 00:41:14,900 S2: deal out of it. But then they don't honor the 701 00:41:14,900 --> 00:41:17,580 S2: person in front of them either. They're short. They leave 702 00:41:17,620 --> 00:41:20,419 S2: a bad tip. They're mean and rude. When the waiter 703 00:41:20,420 --> 00:41:22,819 S2: comes by, they leave a bad review on Yelp the 704 00:41:22,820 --> 00:41:27,020 S2: next day. They're not honoring their story, nor the story 705 00:41:27,020 --> 00:41:30,620 S2: of the person in front of them. And healthy communicators. 706 00:41:30,620 --> 00:41:34,220 S2: Healthy people skills means that I am able to honor 707 00:41:34,219 --> 00:41:40,140 S2: my story, my version, my narrative, my needs, all while 708 00:41:40,180 --> 00:41:43,460 S2: honoring you and your needs and what's going on inside 709 00:41:43,460 --> 00:41:46,420 S2: of you. It's like when Jesus tells us to speak 710 00:41:46,420 --> 00:41:52,620 S2: the truth with love. I'm honoring you with love, but 711 00:41:52,620 --> 00:41:55,980 S2: I'm also speaking the truth. I'm also explaining what's going 712 00:41:55,980 --> 00:41:59,660 S2: on inside of me. And so when we can practice that, 713 00:41:59,660 --> 00:42:02,779 S2: when we see it that way, it's much easier for 714 00:42:02,910 --> 00:42:05,870 S2: us to practice vulnerability, because we see it as an 715 00:42:05,870 --> 00:42:11,470 S2: important ingredient to a healthy relationship and a healthy interaction. 716 00:42:12,469 --> 00:42:16,549 S1: So the the best choice there is take me back 717 00:42:16,550 --> 00:42:20,310 S1: to the restaurant. The best choice is to be assertive. 718 00:42:20,390 --> 00:42:22,870 S2: The assertive communicator who says, hey. 719 00:42:23,430 --> 00:42:24,070 S1: To honor. 720 00:42:24,110 --> 00:42:27,870 S2: I really appreciate this, this meal. Thank you so much. 721 00:42:27,870 --> 00:42:30,670 S2: I noticed something was wrong. I know you're busy, but 722 00:42:30,670 --> 00:42:33,670 S2: I would really appreciate. Thank you so much. You know, 723 00:42:33,710 --> 00:42:36,590 S2: and being able to honor what I need, but also 724 00:42:36,590 --> 00:42:40,230 S2: honor the person in front of me. That's assertive communication. 725 00:42:40,270 --> 00:42:42,790 S1: That's happened to me before. And here's the here's the truth. 726 00:42:42,790 --> 00:42:44,870 S1: And I don't have a nut allergy or anything. You know, 727 00:42:45,790 --> 00:42:48,149 S1: it's like the thing that was brought to me was 728 00:42:48,150 --> 00:42:51,310 S1: actually better than what I ordered. And I liked it more, 729 00:42:51,750 --> 00:42:55,149 S1: but not passively. The whole analogy I know about was 730 00:42:55,150 --> 00:42:58,270 S1: passive aggressive and told them that this wasn't what I ordered. 731 00:42:58,270 --> 00:43:00,109 S1: But hey, it was really good. So it. 732 00:43:00,150 --> 00:43:00,669 S2: Worked out. 733 00:43:00,670 --> 00:43:04,160 S1: In the end. Yeah, yeah, I buy you know, the 734 00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:07,040 S1: other thing in the book is body language. And it's 735 00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:10,000 S1: these looks that we give other people or the way 736 00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,879 S1: that we sit more rigid when we see this. It's 737 00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:15,239 S1: almost like you can feel yourself or you can see 738 00:43:15,239 --> 00:43:20,520 S1: somebody else shutting down in their body language when something 739 00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:22,000 S1: like this happens, right? 740 00:43:23,080 --> 00:43:27,280 S2: Yeah. Our body language communicates before we even say a word. 741 00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:30,840 S2: The unfortunate thing, though, is that many people aren't actually 742 00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:35,919 S2: in tune to their body language. They might look mean, grumpy, closed, like, 743 00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:39,320 S2: stay away from me. There's something called closed body language 744 00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:41,680 S2: versus open body language. And it's one of the first 745 00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:45,600 S2: things you learn in counseling graduate school. Because when people 746 00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:48,600 S2: walk in your office, you need to be aware of 747 00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:52,840 S2: presenting an openness. And that comes down to how you're sitting, 748 00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:55,879 S2: what you look like, how where your hands are, and 749 00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:57,839 S2: all of these different things that you really want to 750 00:43:57,840 --> 00:44:00,930 S2: be in tune to. The average person these days doesn't 751 00:44:00,930 --> 00:44:04,090 S2: even realize how they're coming across. Their resting face might 752 00:44:04,090 --> 00:44:07,450 S2: look grumpy and mean, but they don't necessarily feel that 753 00:44:07,450 --> 00:44:10,129 S2: in their heart. So it's important for us to make 754 00:44:10,130 --> 00:44:13,730 S2: sure what's happening in our body is congruent with what's 755 00:44:13,730 --> 00:44:14,890 S2: happening in our heart. 756 00:44:15,210 --> 00:44:17,930 S1: I love when you say, you said you almost burst 757 00:44:17,969 --> 00:44:21,250 S1: out laughing when the husband said the very same thing 758 00:44:21,250 --> 00:44:23,890 S1: was going on, and he said, tell that to your 759 00:44:23,890 --> 00:44:26,170 S1: face to his wife. You know, it's like, yeah, may 760 00:44:26,170 --> 00:44:28,810 S1: not be going on, but you're aware of her face. Yeah. 761 00:44:28,850 --> 00:44:30,489 S2: He's like, tell that to your face. 762 00:44:30,850 --> 00:44:35,290 S1: The other thing that I really walked away from was 763 00:44:35,930 --> 00:44:40,489 S1: with this was the the aspect of grace and what 764 00:44:40,489 --> 00:44:44,650 S1: your husband did. He's an ophthalmologist and there's a fellow 765 00:44:44,650 --> 00:44:47,489 S1: who was just really, you know, he was frustrated with 766 00:44:47,489 --> 00:44:50,489 S1: everything and mean to everybody. And your husband sat down 767 00:44:50,489 --> 00:44:53,569 S1: with him real quickly. Tell the rest of that story. 768 00:44:54,170 --> 00:44:58,130 S2: Yeah. You know, it's the idea that sometimes people who 769 00:44:58,219 --> 00:45:01,580 S2: present with bad people skills are really people who are 770 00:45:01,580 --> 00:45:06,060 S2: hurting in the moment and instead of us just tearing 771 00:45:06,060 --> 00:45:09,379 S2: them apart, it's important to try and understand where they're 772 00:45:09,380 --> 00:45:11,580 S2: coming from. So he sat down, this gentleman who was 773 00:45:11,580 --> 00:45:14,220 S2: really giving all their staff a hard time being grumpy, 774 00:45:14,260 --> 00:45:17,700 S2: saying terrible things. SAT him down like, hey, what's going on? 775 00:45:17,700 --> 00:45:20,100 S2: How can we help? And that man had just gone 776 00:45:20,100 --> 00:45:23,180 S2: through the loss of a wife, a cancer diagnosis. He 777 00:45:23,180 --> 00:45:25,260 S2: was in the thick of it. And what was coming 778 00:45:25,260 --> 00:45:27,739 S2: out of him was the pain that was going on 779 00:45:27,739 --> 00:45:30,219 S2: inside of him. So it's important for us to take 780 00:45:30,219 --> 00:45:33,899 S2: the time to really check in with the people that 781 00:45:33,900 --> 00:45:35,739 S2: are struggling and not just assume. 782 00:45:36,100 --> 00:45:42,100 S1: Yeah. Oh, well, the famous quote about sometimes a man seems, uh, 783 00:45:42,620 --> 00:45:45,580 S1: angry when he was only sad. You know, there's just 784 00:45:45,580 --> 00:45:49,100 S1: something going on beneath the surface right there, which is not, 785 00:45:49,140 --> 00:45:51,940 S1: you know, an excuse. And even in that situation, I 786 00:45:51,940 --> 00:45:55,420 S1: think the man kind of apologized and the people then 787 00:45:55,820 --> 00:45:58,950 S1: gathered around him. How many more of those types of 788 00:45:58,950 --> 00:46:03,029 S1: situations might happen if we had that empathy that you're 789 00:46:03,030 --> 00:46:05,470 S1: talking about? Deborah, we have to leave it right there. 790 00:46:05,469 --> 00:46:08,390 S1: Thank you for the time you spent here today and 791 00:46:08,390 --> 00:46:10,990 S1: for the time putting this book together. I know it's 792 00:46:10,989 --> 00:46:13,189 S1: it's a lot for leaders. It's a lot for people 793 00:46:13,190 --> 00:46:15,390 S1: who are dealing with, you know, in a company or 794 00:46:15,430 --> 00:46:17,830 S1: in a church. But I think this gets right down 795 00:46:17,830 --> 00:46:21,469 S1: into the pew. It's titled People skills. Your relationships are 796 00:46:21,469 --> 00:46:24,230 S1: only as strong as your skills. We have it at 797 00:46:24,230 --> 00:46:29,230 S1: Chris favorite.org. Thanks for your vulnerability and you come back 798 00:46:29,230 --> 00:46:30,550 S1: and see us again. Okay. 799 00:46:31,110 --> 00:46:34,390 S2: I will thank you for having me, Chris again. 800 00:46:34,390 --> 00:46:38,310 S1: Her name is Deborah F I l e t a, 801 00:46:39,230 --> 00:46:42,710 S1: and People Skills is the featured resource. We're going to 802 00:46:42,710 --> 00:46:45,990 S1: talk about being called tomorrow right here on Chris favorite 803 00:46:45,989 --> 00:46:50,270 S1: live production of Moody Radio, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.