1 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:10,200 S1: There is a quiet crisis in the lives of kids today. 2 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:14,000 S1: Many see it, many sense it, and maybe you do. 3 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:17,040 S1: You know it's there, but you can't name what it is. 4 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:20,919 S1: You can't quite put your finger on that thing that 5 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:23,279 S1: it is. And I think that is what our guest 6 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:28,440 S1: has done. Some of the symptoms are unprecedented levels of anxiety, 7 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:34,320 S1: evidence of depression, emotional stress, and an inability to engage 8 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:38,680 S1: in real life, to risk, to deal with the discomfort 9 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:42,320 S1: of daily tasks, or to be able to do something 10 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,599 S1: and fail or not be the best at something. Today's 11 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:50,199 S1: kids are shrinking back from that. Why? Today at the 12 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:54,120 S1: Radio Backyard Fence, author and therapist David Thomas returns because 13 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,960 S1: he believes the key to helping your children navigate these 14 00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,870 S1: roadblocks is in one word. What is that word you 15 00:01:00,870 --> 00:01:04,030 S1: find out straight ahead as we ponder this question, could 16 00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:07,310 S1: the struggles your child is facing right now be the 17 00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:11,910 S1: catalyst to producing resilience in them? Could the very thing 18 00:01:11,910 --> 00:01:15,110 S1: that's holding them back give them momentum for the days ahead? 19 00:01:15,110 --> 00:01:17,630 S1: And as a parent, is there any way you are 20 00:01:17,630 --> 00:01:21,630 S1: hindering your child from moving toward becoming who they were 21 00:01:21,630 --> 00:01:24,830 S1: meant to be? And I'll throw in one more hard 22 00:01:24,830 --> 00:01:27,350 S1: question that I'm dealing with as I look at this. 23 00:01:27,910 --> 00:01:31,070 S1: Are our kids simply exhibiting the struggles that we're going 24 00:01:31,069 --> 00:01:34,590 S1: through as adults? All these questions and more are tackled 25 00:01:34,590 --> 00:01:36,390 S1: straight ahead on the program. From the heart to the 26 00:01:36,390 --> 00:01:38,910 S1: heart for the heart. We call it Chris Fabry Live 27 00:01:38,950 --> 00:01:42,150 S1: because I'm Chris Fabry, and we're live and we're online 28 00:01:42,150 --> 00:01:46,870 S1: at the website, chris.org. Let me thank our team. Tricia 29 00:01:46,870 --> 00:01:49,870 S1: is our producer. Chris and Lisa are doing all things technical. 30 00:01:49,870 --> 00:01:53,030 S1: Josh will be answering your calls, and I want to 31 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:56,030 S1: highlight our back fence partners. Just yesterday, a listener in 32 00:01:56,030 --> 00:01:59,850 S1: West Palm Beach in Florida signed up to give a 33 00:01:59,850 --> 00:02:03,890 S1: monthly $20 gift. And if my math is correct, 12 34 00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:09,049 S1: months times 20, that's $240. And that means so much 35 00:02:09,050 --> 00:02:11,130 S1: to us at the back fence. Thank you, thank you, 36 00:02:11,130 --> 00:02:14,650 S1: thank you. And it means that our listener is going 37 00:02:14,690 --> 00:02:16,650 S1: to receive a link to a video of the two 38 00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:20,010 S1: Michaels and Eva and Sue and what happened right after 39 00:02:20,010 --> 00:02:22,650 S1: the program when they were with us at the end 40 00:02:22,650 --> 00:02:27,410 S1: of May, we were celebrating 99 years of marriage for 41 00:02:27,410 --> 00:02:31,369 S1: the four of them. And Doctor Redlich told the story 42 00:02:31,370 --> 00:02:34,730 S1: on that video of the sentence he stole from the 43 00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:38,410 S1: Van Landingham's. That's been helpful in his marriage. It's fun. 44 00:02:38,410 --> 00:02:40,570 S1: You will laugh and you will see a little bit 45 00:02:40,570 --> 00:02:43,530 S1: of what goes on behind the scenes. That's just one 46 00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:46,169 S1: perk when you become a partner. The back fence post 47 00:02:46,169 --> 00:02:49,890 S1: every Thursday. That was another thing Michael talked about the 48 00:02:50,010 --> 00:02:53,730 S1: word he misspelled in the spelling bee. Come on along. 49 00:02:53,730 --> 00:02:56,690 S1: Support the program with a monthly gift of any size. 50 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:04,440 S1: Call us at 8669538669532279 or go to the website. Chris 51 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,680 S1: Fabry live.org. Scroll down. You'll see how you can be 52 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,200 S1: a friend, a one time giver, or a partner with 53 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:14,840 S1: us each month. Chris Fabry live dot ORG. And thank 54 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,680 S1: you for making a conversation like this one available because 55 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,119 S1: of your generosity. I think that's one of the best 56 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,400 S1: things about a program like this. You hear ideas. You 57 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,840 S1: hear about resources. You hear about what God is doing 58 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,720 S1: in hearts and lives that you may not hear about. 59 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:35,040 S1: So you're exposed to some of those helps that might 60 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:38,120 S1: be helpful to you or someone you care about. And 61 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,000 S1: that's why today we're welcoming back best selling author and 62 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,640 S1: counselor David Thomas. For the last 30 years, he's been 63 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:47,320 S1: listening to kids and their families, helping them walk through 64 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:51,880 S1: their struggles at Daystar Counseling Ministries in Nashville. He and 65 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,440 S1: his co-author, Sissy Goff, have written a couple of dozen 66 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,630 S1: books together, and their latest is our featured resource today. 67 00:03:57,990 --> 00:04:00,510 S1: The title is One Word. I mentioned that earlier. I'm 68 00:04:00,510 --> 00:04:02,230 S1: going to keep it a secret for now, but if 69 00:04:02,230 --> 00:04:04,750 S1: you can't wait, go to the website. You can find out. 70 00:04:04,790 --> 00:04:09,030 S1: Chris Fabry live.org. He and sissy co-hosts the Raising Boys 71 00:04:09,030 --> 00:04:12,790 S1: and Girls podcast. He. David is married to Connie and 72 00:04:12,790 --> 00:04:15,910 S1: they have three children. David Thomas, welcome back to the program. 73 00:04:15,910 --> 00:04:16,909 S1: How are you doing today. 74 00:04:17,270 --> 00:04:20,229 S2: Chris? It is so good to be with you always. 75 00:04:20,230 --> 00:04:21,750 S2: Thank you for the invitation. 76 00:04:22,270 --> 00:04:24,270 S1: I'm looking forward to this because the light bulbs going 77 00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:26,270 S1: to come on for somebody, I think, and maybe it's 78 00:04:26,270 --> 00:04:29,150 S1: just going to be me. But the one word that 79 00:04:29,150 --> 00:04:33,030 S1: sums up the problem that you see also sums up 80 00:04:33,029 --> 00:04:35,550 S1: the solution. So before we get to the word, I 81 00:04:35,550 --> 00:04:38,710 S1: want to jump into one of the struggles that jumped 82 00:04:38,710 --> 00:04:42,110 S1: out at me as I was reading this, because teenagers 83 00:04:42,110 --> 00:04:44,470 S1: who are old enough to get their learner's permit or 84 00:04:44,470 --> 00:04:47,350 S1: driver's license. When I was a kid, it was like 85 00:04:47,350 --> 00:04:49,950 S1: the day that you turned 16. You were there. You know, 86 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:53,909 S1: you're you're filling out the form that is not happening 87 00:04:54,010 --> 00:04:56,490 S1: for some teens today. Talk about that. 88 00:04:57,529 --> 00:05:00,330 S2: Well, Chris, I would first say that's exactly the case 89 00:05:00,330 --> 00:05:03,089 S2: for me. In fact, in my growing up, I don't 90 00:05:03,089 --> 00:05:06,970 S2: remember a single adolescent who wasn't just chomping at the 91 00:05:07,010 --> 00:05:11,610 S2: bit to arrive at that day to experience that significant milestone. 92 00:05:11,610 --> 00:05:15,010 S2: And if you had said to me 30 years ago 93 00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:17,210 S2: when I started doing this work, David, they'll come a 94 00:05:17,210 --> 00:05:20,890 S2: time when you are going to encounter countless families who 95 00:05:20,930 --> 00:05:24,170 S2: are asking the question, should I be pushing my teenager 96 00:05:24,370 --> 00:05:26,850 S2: to move forward in getting their permit or their license? 97 00:05:26,850 --> 00:05:29,330 S2: I would have laughed like, that's not possible. That won't 98 00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:32,529 S2: ever be a situation we have to face. And it's 99 00:05:32,570 --> 00:05:37,210 S2: a common conversation I have sometimes weekly, on occasion, daily 100 00:05:37,210 --> 00:05:41,169 S2: in my office. And that is but one example of 101 00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:44,770 S2: dozens I could give that speaks to the concern we 102 00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:50,610 S2: carry about kids. Engaging healthy risk and healthy risk builds resilience. 103 00:05:50,610 --> 00:05:55,240 S2: It builds confidence. It allows kids to develop essential problem 104 00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:59,479 S2: solving skills. It is so foundational to their growth and development. 105 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,839 S2: But you said something kindly in the introduction that I 106 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:05,120 S2: want to go back to. That I think is of 107 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,120 S2: great importance in helping us understand why would kids be 108 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,040 S2: avoiding healthy risk? And you use the word discomfort. And 109 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,920 S2: I think that's important to circle back to. I love 110 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:18,479 S2: and appreciate the work of Doctor Susan David, who's gone 111 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,440 S2: on record record as saying that discomfort is the price 112 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,599 S2: of admission to a meaningful life. And I think that's 113 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,799 S2: an incredibly true statement. Like, we are going to bump 114 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:33,479 S2: up against discomfort all throughout our moving through this world. 115 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:37,640 S2: And along the way, I think we have started to 116 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:43,280 S2: believe that discomfort is bad, that discomfort is to be avoided, 117 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:46,479 S2: which has translated into, I don't want to step into 118 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:50,720 S2: healthy risk. I don't want to move into these circumstances 119 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:55,030 S2: and in situations and contexts that might trigger discomfort for me, 120 00:06:55,070 --> 00:06:58,589 S2: where I might feel not confident, where I might feel 121 00:06:58,589 --> 00:07:01,830 S2: uncertain in some way, as opposed to just remembering that's 122 00:07:01,830 --> 00:07:04,310 S2: a normal part of growing up. That's a normal part. 123 00:07:04,310 --> 00:07:07,790 S2: I appreciated when you speaking earlier about not just for 124 00:07:07,790 --> 00:07:09,950 S2: the kids we love, but for us as adults, like 125 00:07:09,950 --> 00:07:13,310 S2: discomfort is something every one of us is going to experience. 126 00:07:13,310 --> 00:07:15,430 S2: It's a universal human experience. 127 00:07:16,030 --> 00:07:18,989 S1: Okay, so I wrote that down because I know somebody's 128 00:07:18,990 --> 00:07:21,470 S1: going to say, what was that quote again? Discomfort is 129 00:07:21,470 --> 00:07:23,710 S1: the price of admission to a meaningful. 130 00:07:23,750 --> 00:07:25,630 S2: Life, a meaningful life? Okay. Yes. 131 00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:27,429 S1: And Susan, what's her last name? 132 00:07:27,470 --> 00:07:32,310 S2: Doctor. Susan. David. She wrote a wonderful book called Emotional Agility. 133 00:07:32,310 --> 00:07:35,670 S2: And I think there's incredible truth to those words. 134 00:07:36,230 --> 00:07:39,590 S1: Well, and that that's that's where maybe, you know, we 135 00:07:39,630 --> 00:07:42,350 S1: need to talk about that today, about us because you 136 00:07:42,350 --> 00:07:45,030 S1: can't give your kids what you can't, what you don't have. 137 00:07:45,070 --> 00:07:48,230 S1: You know, you can only give out of the reservoir 138 00:07:48,230 --> 00:07:51,570 S1: that you have. And if we as adults live in 139 00:07:51,570 --> 00:07:56,410 S1: this world where our greatest goal is to not have discomfort, 140 00:07:56,410 --> 00:08:00,330 S1: if we don't want tension, if we always want resolution 141 00:08:00,330 --> 00:08:03,530 S1: in our lives. And and I don't want any mystery 142 00:08:03,530 --> 00:08:05,330 S1: in my life, I got to know all the answers 143 00:08:05,330 --> 00:08:07,370 S1: to all the questions. And I got to be right 144 00:08:07,370 --> 00:08:10,130 S1: about everything you know about the Bible. And I'm not 145 00:08:10,130 --> 00:08:12,290 S1: saying don't be right about the Bible, but there are 146 00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:15,090 S1: some things that I disagree with by my friends about 147 00:08:15,090 --> 00:08:17,930 S1: who I love dearly. And it's like we read the 148 00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:20,570 S1: same Bible and we have the same spirit. And, and 149 00:08:20,570 --> 00:08:24,930 S1: that's okay. But inside there is this tension, uh, you 150 00:08:24,930 --> 00:08:26,210 S1: know what I'm saying, right? 151 00:08:26,530 --> 00:08:29,810 S2: Yes. And that's a perfect example. It's like having hard 152 00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:34,530 S2: conversations with people I love will involve discomfort at different 153 00:08:34,530 --> 00:08:37,370 S2: points along the way. And that doesn't mean the conversation 154 00:08:37,370 --> 00:08:39,650 S2: is bad or wrong. It doesn't mean the relationship is 155 00:08:39,650 --> 00:08:42,610 S2: bad or wrong. It just means discomfort is the price 156 00:08:42,610 --> 00:08:45,010 S2: of admission to a meaningful life. It's just going to 157 00:08:45,010 --> 00:08:48,130 S2: show up in so many different moments. And the question becomes, 158 00:08:48,130 --> 00:08:52,320 S2: how do I learn to navigate my discomfort? You said 159 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,520 S2: it beautifully so that I can allow the kids I 160 00:08:54,559 --> 00:08:58,560 S2: love to experience discomfort, and we can both be moving 161 00:08:58,559 --> 00:09:01,040 S2: through life knowing we have a phrase that we use 162 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:05,000 S2: a lot with kids that nervous is normal. Nervous is normal. 163 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,439 S2: I'm going to feel it in so many different moments 164 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,600 S2: when I stand up to do a presentation in front 165 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,840 S2: of the class, when I give a speech in front 166 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,240 S2: of the student body and I'm running for class office, 167 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,680 S2: when I ask a girl to the prom, like all 168 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,760 S2: these different milestones that we move through, when I go 169 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,800 S2: to take my driver's test, I'm going to feel nervous. 170 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,760 S2: I'm going to feel discomfort. And those aren't bad things. 171 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,400 S1: All right. So there is a word. And so I 172 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,440 S1: want you folks, as you're listening to this, I want 173 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,040 S1: you to think, well, what is that word? If you 174 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,280 S1: haven't looked at the website yet, what is that word? 175 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:42,760 S1: Is it discipline? Is it risk. Is it non discomfort? 176 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:46,439 S1: Is it the opposite. What do you think the word 177 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:50,180 S1: is that David and Cissy came up with to say 178 00:09:50,179 --> 00:09:54,179 S1: to the younger person, to your child, to your teenager, 179 00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:58,219 S1: what is that one word? And the word has the 180 00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:01,220 S1: word bull in it. And we're going to find out 181 00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:04,179 S1: what it is when we come back with David Thomas. 182 00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:06,980 S1: You can find out more about him. And I guarantee 183 00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:08,220 S1: you there are a lot of people going to the 184 00:10:08,220 --> 00:10:10,740 S1: website right now. What is the word with bull in it? 185 00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:13,220 S1: You'll hear it coming up straight ahead. Or just go 186 00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:17,020 S1: to chris.org. And my question to you is, what is 187 00:10:17,020 --> 00:10:20,220 S1: your child or teenager dealing with? What is the inner 188 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:23,660 S1: struggle they're dealing with today? Give us a call today 189 00:10:23,660 --> 00:10:33,940 S1: at the Radio Backyard Fence. I told David in the 190 00:10:33,940 --> 00:10:35,780 S1: break that this is the first time that I've ever 191 00:10:35,780 --> 00:10:38,580 S1: not given the title of the book for someone that 192 00:10:38,580 --> 00:10:41,900 S1: I've talked with. And the reason why is I want 193 00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,460 S1: you to think deeply about what is the answer to 194 00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:46,770 S1: the struggles that the kids are going through these days, 195 00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:48,770 S1: because I know a lot of people think, well, the 196 00:10:48,770 --> 00:10:51,890 S1: internet's to blame, the phone is to blame. And that's 197 00:10:51,890 --> 00:10:53,929 S1: what we're going to talk about social media here today. 198 00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:57,370 S1: But what is the one word that has bull in 199 00:10:57,370 --> 00:11:02,290 S1: it that that David and Sissy Gough have used? And 200 00:11:02,290 --> 00:11:04,090 S1: I'll tell you what it is, let me tell you 201 00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:07,610 S1: the subtitle first, how to teach your Kids Strength Skills 202 00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:12,770 S1: and Strategies to Build Resilience. That's the subtitle. The one 203 00:11:12,770 --> 00:11:18,689 S1: word title is capable. They they put the bull incapable 204 00:11:19,050 --> 00:11:22,290 S1: C a, p a, b, l e and and part 205 00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:27,209 S1: of capable is the word able. And so all right. 206 00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:29,450 S1: What you think about that for yourself. But think about 207 00:11:29,450 --> 00:11:32,170 S1: it for your child or for your teenager. Why did 208 00:11:32,170 --> 00:11:33,650 S1: you choose capable? 209 00:11:34,970 --> 00:11:40,250 S2: First of all, that word embodies everything that I would 210 00:11:40,250 --> 00:11:44,410 S2: want parents to remember that God has sown into the 211 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,760 S2: kids we love. It's in them. He's placed it in them. 212 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:51,720 S2: Our job is just to grow and nurture and help 213 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,079 S2: that develop. And the definition, Chris, we talk a lot 214 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,239 S2: about in the book that we love is that capable 215 00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:02,200 S2: kids have practiced coping and learned competence for life's challenges. 216 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:07,760 S2: And I want parents to pray over, think over, consider 217 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,600 S2: in the daily that definition and what does it look 218 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,080 S2: like for me to just help what God has already 219 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,559 S2: placed inside of these kids? I love to grow, and 220 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:18,079 S2: what's my role in helping develop more of that? 221 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:22,439 S1: So you're calling that out of them from the inside, 222 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:26,360 S1: especially if they feel like, oh, I don't going out 223 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,760 S1: for a sports team, you use that in the book. 224 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,720 S1: It's like, no, I'm not going to try out because 225 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,080 S1: there's so many others who are better than I am. 226 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,000 S1: So I'm not even going to try that. 227 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:41,160 S2: Yeah. That's it. And we talk so much about the 228 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,819 S2: animal of anxiety and the fact that it is considered 229 00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:46,420 S2: to be a childhood epidemic in our country. The numbers 230 00:12:46,420 --> 00:12:49,780 S2: are so high. Jonathan Heights famous work has defined this 231 00:12:49,780 --> 00:12:53,620 S2: generation as the anxious generation. And what we know within 232 00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:58,100 S2: the research and anxiety is that the two default practices 233 00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:01,740 S2: for parents. So the most intuitive moves that we're making 234 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,780 S2: when we're not even aware we're doing it are escape 235 00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:07,980 S2: and avoidance. We see the kids we love struggling, and 236 00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:10,300 S2: we want to extract them from that experience. They feel 237 00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:12,940 S2: too overwhelmed in getting their driver's license. So we're like, okay, 238 00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:16,459 S2: let's just postpone it. They're teary about being dropped off 239 00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:18,740 S2: at the beginning of a season at a brand new practice. Okay, 240 00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:21,980 S2: maybe we should just pull out a basketball. And what 241 00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:25,620 S2: we know is that when we don't face the hard things, 242 00:13:25,620 --> 00:13:29,579 S2: anxiety always grows. In fact, the the working definition that 243 00:13:29,580 --> 00:13:33,380 S2: my dear friend and colleague and co-author Cissy Goff created 244 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:36,060 S2: in her anxiety work in the book she's written, is 245 00:13:36,059 --> 00:13:40,060 S2: that anxiety is an overestimation of the situation, and it's 246 00:13:40,059 --> 00:13:44,290 S2: an underestimation of myself. So if we as parents are 247 00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:49,089 S2: only practicing escape and avoidance as our two primary practices, 248 00:13:49,090 --> 00:13:53,730 S2: then we're actually confirming and furthering that definition. You know what? 249 00:13:53,770 --> 00:13:57,570 S2: Basketball is too scary and you're too incapable. You know what? 250 00:13:57,610 --> 00:14:00,410 S2: Getting your driver's license does seem to overwhelm you too much. 251 00:14:00,929 --> 00:14:03,569 S2: Let's just hold back on that. And we don't ever 252 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:06,330 S2: want to be confirming or furthering that definition. We want 253 00:14:06,370 --> 00:14:08,970 S2: to be speaking the truth of who God made, the 254 00:14:08,970 --> 00:14:11,610 S2: kids we love to be, and that he built this 255 00:14:11,610 --> 00:14:15,929 S2: capability into them. And our job is just to create opportunities, 256 00:14:15,929 --> 00:14:18,929 S2: which again, are going to provide discomfort. And discomfort is 257 00:14:18,929 --> 00:14:21,530 S2: just the price of admission to a meaningful life, so 258 00:14:21,530 --> 00:14:24,690 S2: that they get to practice and learn the skills that 259 00:14:24,690 --> 00:14:26,730 S2: remind them of how capable they are. 260 00:14:27,290 --> 00:14:30,970 S1: So the subtle message, especially if we want our kids 261 00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:36,130 S1: to be happy and even keeled and always bubbly and 262 00:14:36,130 --> 00:14:39,490 S1: up and all of that, the subtle message that we're 263 00:14:39,490 --> 00:14:43,560 S1: sending to them when we allow them to shrink back 264 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,920 S1: from whatever it is, is. And we don't mean to 265 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:51,400 S1: say this, but we communicate, you're not enough. You're not 266 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:55,000 S1: big enough for this thing that's in front of you. 267 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,600 S2: That's it. And I really even appreciate that within asking 268 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,600 S2: that question, you use the word happy. Could could I 269 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,520 S2: press into that for a quick moment? And the role 270 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,800 S2: I think it plays in this equation. So, Chris, I 271 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,400 S2: would say if there are two trends that sissy and 272 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,080 S2: I have seen in the past decade in particular, that 273 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,040 S2: are a part of all this, are that we have 274 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,960 S2: given an overwhelming amount of attention to raising happy kids 275 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,200 S2: and raising confident kids. And notice, when I gave that 276 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:26,120 S2: definition a few minutes ago, I talked about learning competence 277 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,920 S2: and not confidence, because I think those are two different things, 278 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,360 S2: and we can dissect that, if that makes sense in 279 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,280 S2: a few moments. But if all the focus is just 280 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:38,000 S2: on happy and confident, I think we are doing a 281 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:41,660 S2: couple of things that aren't helpful to the kids we love. Again, unknowingly, 282 00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:44,340 S2: because on the outset, it makes sense that we would 283 00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:46,060 S2: want our kids to be happy. But I think we 284 00:15:46,060 --> 00:15:50,340 S2: put so much focus on that, forgetting that happiness is 285 00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:53,660 S2: temporary and transient. I'd invite any parent listening right now. 286 00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:56,140 S2: Pick a day in the past week and think about 287 00:15:56,140 --> 00:16:00,860 S2: in your own experience when you experience genuine happiness throughout 288 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:02,740 S2: the day. If I were to pick two days ago, 289 00:16:03,180 --> 00:16:06,820 S2: I remember waking up. I had a really great breakfast 290 00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:09,900 S2: for about half an hour that morning, and later that night, 291 00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:11,660 S2: I remember sitting on the floor of my den. I 292 00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:14,660 S2: was petting our Labrador puppy, and I was in a great, 293 00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:17,860 S2: thoughtful conversation with my wife. And I would say it 294 00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:20,460 S2: lasted about 45 minutes. I remember being really happy in 295 00:16:20,460 --> 00:16:24,020 S2: those two moments. The rest of the day I wasn't unhappy, 296 00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:26,140 S2: but I was just doing the normal stuff of life. 297 00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:31,820 S2: I was running errands, returning emails at work, and that ratio, 298 00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,460 S2: my suspicion would be, is probably pretty true for a 299 00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:37,140 S2: lot of people in this world. So think on that 300 00:16:37,140 --> 00:16:39,650 S2: being true for us as adults. That same reality is 301 00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:41,450 S2: going to be true for our kids. And if we're 302 00:16:41,450 --> 00:16:45,210 S2: putting all this emphasis on happiness, we're setting kids up 303 00:16:45,730 --> 00:16:47,970 S2: to not have a clue what a normal human experience 304 00:16:47,970 --> 00:16:51,370 S2: is going to be like, and to feel really disappointed 305 00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:55,170 S2: when happiness only shows up that percentage of the day. 306 00:16:55,170 --> 00:16:58,530 S2: And what we're seeing happen with a lot of teenagers 307 00:16:58,530 --> 00:17:02,410 S2: in particular, is that when they don't feel happy in 308 00:17:02,410 --> 00:17:04,090 S2: a lot of moments of the day, they start asking 309 00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:08,210 S2: two questions. One is, what's wrong with me? Or two, 310 00:17:08,250 --> 00:17:11,530 S2: what's wrong with my life? So I don't think that's 311 00:17:11,570 --> 00:17:14,570 S2: at all a helpful, helpful target for us to be 312 00:17:14,570 --> 00:17:17,010 S2: moving toward in all moments. So I want to really 313 00:17:17,010 --> 00:17:19,090 S2: challenge parents. What if we were to replace that? I 314 00:17:19,090 --> 00:17:20,730 S2: want to raise happy kids with, I want to raise 315 00:17:20,730 --> 00:17:23,770 S2: capable kids. And then let's think about confident for a 316 00:17:23,770 --> 00:17:26,210 S2: few moments. I think we placed a lot of attention 317 00:17:26,210 --> 00:17:30,370 S2: on that, believing that to accomplish that, I just need 318 00:17:30,369 --> 00:17:32,810 S2: to affirm and affirm and affirm and hear me say, 319 00:17:32,810 --> 00:17:35,770 S2: I think affirming kids is a great thing. Championing kids 320 00:17:35,770 --> 00:17:38,640 S2: is a great thing. But in the book we talk 321 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:44,000 S2: about how confidence come from confidence. It's birthed out of 322 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:49,080 S2: the everyday habits of doing hard things, of trying new things, 323 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:54,440 S2: of experiencing discomfort and learning. I'm competent in these moments 324 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,840 S2: when we try out a brand new sport, every one 325 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,359 S2: of us knows we're going to be kind of lousy 326 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,320 S2: on the front side, and we're going to develop skills 327 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,960 S2: in the middle. And then the hope would be we 328 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,480 S2: feel a sense of satisfaction on the backside of having 329 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:08,639 S2: done something hard, even if it was a season that 330 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,760 S2: didn't have a great outcome. But I developed a confidence 331 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:15,720 S2: through the experience that gives way to confidence. So we're 332 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,920 S2: a world that loves hacks. We don't love habits because 333 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,680 S2: those are more long forming. We want a shortcut. We've 334 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,479 S2: worked hard, I think, in our world to try to 335 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,680 S2: eliminate a lot of hard, a lot of waiting. And 336 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:31,680 S2: the reality being that there is so much good that 337 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,399 S2: happens in the building of habits. I think that's the 338 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:38,860 S2: birthplace of competence. And there's not a hack in parenting. 339 00:18:39,140 --> 00:18:41,780 S2: There's not a hack in being an adolescent. There's not 340 00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:44,500 S2: a hack in making it through a hard year when 341 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,940 S2: you're in fourth grade like it is the everyday habits 342 00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:51,620 S2: that build this competence all throughout our kids growth and development. 343 00:18:51,619 --> 00:18:54,540 S2: That is where I think confidence is birthed. 344 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:58,980 S1: Is this why a lot of kids today who are 345 00:18:58,980 --> 00:19:03,859 S1: into sports will focus on one sport rather than many, 346 00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:06,859 S1: and just go for that and do the traveling team 347 00:19:06,859 --> 00:19:09,500 S1: and and, you know, because they want to they've got 348 00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:11,380 S1: to get to college, you know, and then they want 349 00:19:11,420 --> 00:19:13,500 S1: to make it to the majors or whatever it is 350 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:16,540 S1: that they're doing. And they focus on this one thing 351 00:19:16,540 --> 00:19:17,940 S1: because they're good at it. 352 00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:23,379 S2: Yes. Oh, absolutely. And I think it is why so 353 00:19:23,380 --> 00:19:26,300 S2: many kids pass certain points throughout their growing up that 354 00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:28,500 S2: they think it's just too late. It's just too late 355 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,220 S2: for me to take up a new sport, a new activity, 356 00:19:31,260 --> 00:19:33,649 S2: try out for a play for the first time, and 357 00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:36,489 S2: I can remember back to my growing up, and I'd 358 00:19:36,530 --> 00:19:38,090 S2: be curious if it was the same for you. Like 359 00:19:38,090 --> 00:19:40,570 S2: when I was growing up, kids tried a lot of 360 00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:43,090 S2: sports all the time, and I knew plenty of kids 361 00:19:43,090 --> 00:19:45,930 S2: who played football and also were in the school play. 362 00:19:45,930 --> 00:19:49,490 S2: And there was all this overlap of opportunity because we 363 00:19:49,570 --> 00:19:53,770 S2: weren't so singularly focused. Yes, in a way that I 364 00:19:53,770 --> 00:19:58,410 S2: believe allowed kids to experience a lot of things and 365 00:19:58,410 --> 00:20:02,170 S2: to realize I'm not so great at a handful of things. 366 00:20:02,170 --> 00:20:03,930 S2: And I figured out I'm kind of great at this 367 00:20:03,930 --> 00:20:06,609 S2: one thing. Like all of that experimentation, I think gives 368 00:20:06,650 --> 00:20:08,730 S2: way to so much. But there is this belief to 369 00:20:08,770 --> 00:20:11,770 S2: your great question. I think that, no, there's just one thing, 370 00:20:11,770 --> 00:20:13,169 S2: and you got to find your way to just that 371 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:16,250 S2: one thing and then specialize in just that one thing, 372 00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:19,330 S2: and don't try other things that might be hard that 373 00:20:19,330 --> 00:20:21,929 S2: you might not be so great at. And there's so 374 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:24,130 S2: much good learning that happens in those moments. 375 00:20:24,250 --> 00:20:26,969 S1: And that's where it comes back to the parent, I 376 00:20:26,970 --> 00:20:30,330 S1: think because as a parent and I felt this way, 377 00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:34,160 S1: it's like I see the strengths of one child as like, 378 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,640 S1: you know, go for this and why don't you do this? Because, 379 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,720 S1: you know, they might not be as good at that. 380 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,080 S1: And it comes from the parent rather than saying, hey, 381 00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:45,320 S1: try this. And if you fail, if you and I 382 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,480 S1: don't even like the word fail, but if you're not 383 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,200 S1: as good as others, because that's what kids will will think. 384 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,360 S1: If I'm not as good, if I'm not the best 385 00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:54,800 S1: in the whole class at this or in the whole 386 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:57,320 S1: grade at this, then I'm a failure. And that's not true, 387 00:20:57,359 --> 00:20:57,960 S1: is it? 388 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:02,719 S2: Not at all. In fact, we in the book flip 389 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,080 S2: failure on its head. We have an acronym in the 390 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,439 S2: book that I'd love for parents to think about talking 391 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:12,600 S2: with their kids about today. Fail stands for a first 392 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:16,240 S2: attempt in learning. That's what fail is. It's a first 393 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:20,359 S2: attempt in learning as opposed to believing. It's this negative thing. 394 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,240 S2: It means I didn't succeed. It's like it's the front 395 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:28,040 S2: side of an opportunity. And we did an interview a 396 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,680 S2: couple of years ago with a woman named Shauna Nyquist, 397 00:21:30,740 --> 00:21:33,939 S2: and Shawna wrote a great book called I guess I 398 00:21:33,940 --> 00:21:37,140 S2: Haven't Learned that yet that was birthed out of this experience. 399 00:21:37,140 --> 00:21:40,500 S2: She told of having moved from Chicago to New York 400 00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:44,020 S2: City and early into the experience and all these new opportunities. 401 00:21:44,020 --> 00:21:46,419 S2: She kept hearing her son say things like, I'm failing 402 00:21:46,420 --> 00:21:49,340 S2: at this school was way different in one state than 403 00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:51,540 S2: it was in the other. And there was this belief of, 404 00:21:51,540 --> 00:21:55,820 S2: I'm not succeeding as opposed to I'm just learning. She 405 00:21:55,820 --> 00:21:58,620 S2: was like, I put that those words on a note 406 00:21:58,619 --> 00:22:00,979 S2: card on the refrigerator to remind everyone of us, like 407 00:22:00,980 --> 00:22:04,260 S2: we're just learning. I've never had to purchase groceries and 408 00:22:04,260 --> 00:22:05,899 S2: get them up to the seventh floor of a building 409 00:22:05,900 --> 00:22:08,700 S2: because we lived in a one story house. I've never 410 00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:11,780 S2: had to navigate public transportation because we used a car. 411 00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:14,940 S2: We're all learning and we just haven't learned that yet. 412 00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:17,820 S2: So think on fail as a first attempt in learning. 413 00:22:17,820 --> 00:22:20,540 S2: And what would it look like for us to narrate 414 00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:24,980 S2: our experience as parents, of finding out what it's like 415 00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:27,700 S2: to be trying things in the beginning, and figuring out 416 00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:30,170 S2: where we're doing a lot of learning and not defining 417 00:22:30,170 --> 00:22:31,450 S2: that as a negative thing. 418 00:22:31,490 --> 00:22:36,410 S1: Yes. And the the dirty secret is that your first 419 00:22:36,410 --> 00:22:39,410 S1: attempt in learning? You may not be as good at that, 420 00:22:39,410 --> 00:22:42,730 S1: but you really like, you know, the process that you're in. 421 00:22:42,730 --> 00:22:45,170 S1: And that may be the thing that you gravitate toward 422 00:22:45,170 --> 00:22:48,850 S1: more than the thing that you feel like you're good at. 423 00:22:49,010 --> 00:22:53,090 S1: So there's two things already in this program. The, the doctor, 424 00:22:53,090 --> 00:22:56,850 S1: Susan David, quote, discomfort is the price of admission to 425 00:22:56,890 --> 00:23:00,690 S1: a meaningful life, number one. Number two, the acrostic for 426 00:23:00,690 --> 00:23:03,810 S1: fail first attempt in learning. Now I'm going to open 427 00:23:03,810 --> 00:23:09,410 S1: the phone lines here at (877) 548-3675. There is somebody who 428 00:23:09,570 --> 00:23:12,810 S1: has been listening to what David Thomas has been saying 429 00:23:12,810 --> 00:23:16,929 S1: and capable, and you're seeing your own life as a parent, 430 00:23:16,930 --> 00:23:18,970 S1: or maybe you don't even have kids and you're seeing 431 00:23:18,970 --> 00:23:22,530 S1: your life because you shirk, you shrink back from, you know, 432 00:23:22,570 --> 00:23:25,409 S1: risking or doing that thing because I don't want to 433 00:23:25,410 --> 00:23:28,120 S1: feel bad about that. And you see how that stunted 434 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:31,560 S1: your growth. Or maybe you're the parent and you have 435 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:36,800 S1: a child. You have an elementary school child, son or daughter. 436 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:40,679 S1: Or you have a teenager who's in that driving age 437 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,640 S1: group but doesn't want to do that because it's too scary. 438 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,600 S1: It's just too scary. I want you to tell me 439 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,280 S1: the story, and David's going to come alongside you. And 440 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:51,080 S1: what he's written, along with Sissy Goff in this book 441 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,359 S1: is going to help. This is one of those resources 442 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:56,680 S1: that I think could turn the light on for you. 443 00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:00,560 S1: It's titled capable How to teach your kids the strengths, 444 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:05,320 S1: skills and Strategies to build resilience. It's our featured resource 445 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:11,040 S1: at Chris fabry.org. Chris fabry.org. Tricia wrote me a note. 446 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:15,200 S1: She said yesterday's program with Michelle Watson Canfield, who is 447 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,360 S1: known as the Dad Whisperer. She said dads who don't 448 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:23,200 S1: take the step to relationship with their son or daughter 449 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,479 S1: and are not doing anything with their kids, do so 450 00:24:26,580 --> 00:24:30,179 S1: because they are afraid they're doing it wrong. Is it 451 00:24:30,180 --> 00:24:32,980 S1: because they don't feel that they're competent and therefore have 452 00:24:32,980 --> 00:24:36,700 S1: no confidence in their roles as a dad? And do 453 00:24:36,700 --> 00:24:40,620 S1: we as parents need to model capable ness? What do 454 00:24:40,619 --> 00:24:41,460 S1: you say to that? 455 00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:46,699 S2: It's an incredible question. And I would first say this. 456 00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:53,780 S2: I think we as males do a lousy job oftentimes, 457 00:24:53,780 --> 00:24:56,220 S2: and I'm including myself in this. Please hear me say 458 00:24:56,220 --> 00:25:01,700 S2: that entangling up our identity and our performance, I think 459 00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:05,420 S2: it's something we have to work against all throughout our lives, 460 00:25:05,420 --> 00:25:09,060 S2: and think about how we feed and fuel that culturally, when, 461 00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:12,820 S2: you know, men introduce themselves or when they're asked about themselves, 462 00:25:12,820 --> 00:25:15,180 S2: the most common question would be, what do you do? 463 00:25:15,220 --> 00:25:18,420 S2: As if that's the most interesting and important thing about 464 00:25:18,420 --> 00:25:20,260 S2: who I am. You know, the most important thing about 465 00:25:20,260 --> 00:25:22,340 S2: who I am is that I'm a beloved Son of God, 466 00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:25,260 S2: and I'm also a son and a brother and a 467 00:25:25,369 --> 00:25:27,609 S2: husband and a father. Those are the most important things 468 00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:32,129 S2: about me. And I'm also an author and a therapist. 469 00:25:32,210 --> 00:25:35,449 S2: But if we begin and continue in that place, I 470 00:25:35,450 --> 00:25:38,690 S2: think we reinforce that sense of that's what's most true. 471 00:25:38,690 --> 00:25:41,970 S2: And then I'm not all that interested in trying things 472 00:25:41,970 --> 00:25:44,889 S2: where I don't feel competent because it doesn't stir a 473 00:25:44,890 --> 00:25:45,770 S2: great part of me. 474 00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:50,410 S1: All right. Your observations, questions for David Thomas straight ahead 475 00:25:50,410 --> 00:25:51,570 S1: on Moody Radio. 476 00:26:03,170 --> 00:26:03,970 S3: We're talking with David. 477 00:26:04,010 --> 00:26:05,370 S1: Thomas, who is co-author. 478 00:26:05,369 --> 00:26:06,570 S3: Of Capable. 479 00:26:06,770 --> 00:26:09,290 S1: How to Teach Your Kids the Strength, skills and Strategies 480 00:26:09,290 --> 00:26:13,090 S1: to Build Resilience. He wrote this along with Cissy Goff, 481 00:26:13,570 --> 00:26:18,970 S1: and our number is (877) 548-3675. Is there anything that we're 482 00:26:18,970 --> 00:26:22,010 S1: talking about. Does it does it strike a nerve in 483 00:26:22,050 --> 00:26:26,950 S1: you about yourself or about children these days. And what 484 00:26:26,950 --> 00:26:29,629 S1: about social media? What about the internet? We're going to 485 00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:36,469 S1: talk about that (877) 548-3675. But as you're talking here today, David, 486 00:26:36,470 --> 00:26:39,950 S1: I'm thinking my youngest, we have nine children. My youngest 487 00:26:39,950 --> 00:26:44,350 S1: just turned 252 days ago. So it's like they, they're 488 00:26:44,350 --> 00:26:49,310 S1: still in that era of even as adults. Uh, I can, 489 00:26:49,310 --> 00:26:52,470 S1: I can stunt their capability, you know, by doing stuff 490 00:26:52,470 --> 00:26:55,230 S1: for them, but you're talking about a younger group. So 491 00:26:55,230 --> 00:26:57,790 S1: now we go to our correspondent with three children who 492 00:26:57,790 --> 00:27:00,350 S1: are right in the middle of this, who was just 493 00:27:00,390 --> 00:27:03,990 S1: on vacation last week. Here's Tricia McMillan. Hi, Tricia. Hi. 494 00:27:04,990 --> 00:27:07,710 S4: So I was thinking, hi, Tricia. Hi. I was thinking 495 00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:10,149 S4: about this book because we were up, um, in the 496 00:27:10,150 --> 00:27:13,510 S4: Chattanooga area and up on Lookout Mountain, and we stopped 497 00:27:13,510 --> 00:27:17,790 S4: at this, uh, waterfall hike thing to do. And we 498 00:27:17,790 --> 00:27:20,350 S4: got to this waterfall and there were these big boulders, 499 00:27:20,350 --> 00:27:22,940 S4: which I live in Illinois. We don't have Where I 500 00:27:22,940 --> 00:27:24,780 S4: live in Illinois, we don't have a lot of those 501 00:27:24,780 --> 00:27:28,540 S4: big places where you can climb other than, you know, playgrounds. 502 00:27:29,060 --> 00:27:31,980 S4: And they were very excited to climb these boulders. But 503 00:27:31,980 --> 00:27:35,500 S4: I was thinking about this book the whole time because 504 00:27:35,500 --> 00:27:38,020 S4: I was like, this is helping them to become capable, 505 00:27:38,020 --> 00:27:41,020 S4: that they can climb these boulders and problem solve and 506 00:27:41,020 --> 00:27:43,659 S4: figure out how to get up to the next little 507 00:27:43,660 --> 00:27:47,139 S4: pool of water and how to get up the a 508 00:27:47,340 --> 00:27:51,380 S4: higher on this hill. And it was, it was a 509 00:27:51,380 --> 00:27:55,740 S4: good check for me to like I wasn't super anxious, 510 00:27:55,740 --> 00:27:58,220 S4: but I did have the thought of if someone falls 511 00:27:58,220 --> 00:28:00,340 S4: off of this boulder and they hit their head, can 512 00:28:00,380 --> 00:28:02,620 S4: we get airlifted out or how, you know, how does 513 00:28:02,619 --> 00:28:05,620 S4: someone come rescue them? However, I was like, this is 514 00:28:05,619 --> 00:28:09,100 S4: good for them. Like if I can let them do this, 515 00:28:09,380 --> 00:28:12,020 S4: this is a good release for me to let them 516 00:28:12,060 --> 00:28:14,500 S4: do this, and it's good for them to help them 517 00:28:14,540 --> 00:28:16,780 S4: see they can do this. Like my, um, one of 518 00:28:16,780 --> 00:28:19,859 S4: my children then was having trouble getting off of the 519 00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:23,090 S4: boulder back onto the path and just seeing him problem 520 00:28:23,090 --> 00:28:25,210 S4: solve and figure out, oh, if I go to this 521 00:28:25,210 --> 00:28:27,689 S4: other little spot, this is a little closer and I 522 00:28:27,690 --> 00:28:30,090 S4: can get off. And so I, it was, it was 523 00:28:30,090 --> 00:28:32,330 S4: very close on my mind while I was on vacation 524 00:28:32,330 --> 00:28:34,209 S4: last week, but it was fun to see that and 525 00:28:34,210 --> 00:28:38,410 S4: just see their confidence or their competence in doing it, 526 00:28:38,410 --> 00:28:40,450 S4: build their confidence that they could do it. 527 00:28:41,690 --> 00:28:43,770 S2: Tricia, you have no idea how encouraged I am to 528 00:28:43,810 --> 00:28:46,370 S2: hear you tell that story. And can I tell you 529 00:28:46,410 --> 00:28:49,290 S2: one of my favorite parts within what you told was 530 00:28:49,490 --> 00:28:52,650 S2: the moment where you said, I checked myself like I 531 00:28:52,690 --> 00:28:56,650 S2: loved your awareness of yourself. Because any parent listening who 532 00:28:56,650 --> 00:28:59,770 S2: loves their kids knows every one of us has had 533 00:29:00,130 --> 00:29:02,890 S2: that exact moment. We've had 100 of that exact moment 534 00:29:02,890 --> 00:29:06,930 S2: of thinking, is this too scary? What could happen where 535 00:29:07,130 --> 00:29:12,209 S2: fear could override the possibility of you letting them experience 536 00:29:12,210 --> 00:29:14,290 S2: something good? And notice that when we talked about risk 537 00:29:14,290 --> 00:29:16,930 S2: earlier and you just painted a beautiful picture of that, 538 00:29:16,930 --> 00:29:20,950 S2: like we talked about healthy risk. Healthy risk is any 539 00:29:20,990 --> 00:29:25,470 S2: activity that just creates excitement without the potential for unhealthy consequences. 540 00:29:25,470 --> 00:29:28,550 S2: I'm not endorsing unhealthy risks, but I would say this. 541 00:29:29,310 --> 00:29:33,350 S2: I think kids who don't have enough opportunity to experience 542 00:29:33,350 --> 00:29:38,750 S2: healthy risk, which again involves us checking ourselves, often find 543 00:29:38,750 --> 00:29:41,390 S2: their way to unhealthy risks throughout their growing up. Because 544 00:29:41,390 --> 00:29:44,750 S2: I think risk is hardwired into the heart of kids. 545 00:29:44,750 --> 00:29:47,550 S2: There's this desire, particularly as they move deeper into adolescence, 546 00:29:47,550 --> 00:29:51,310 S2: and they're craving independence and autonomy and launching out into 547 00:29:51,310 --> 00:29:53,950 S2: the world. And so the beauty of the story you've 548 00:29:53,990 --> 00:29:58,390 S2: told is just the invitation into two things, giving them 549 00:29:58,390 --> 00:30:01,390 S2: an opportunity for all the great things you describe that came, 550 00:30:01,750 --> 00:30:04,430 S2: and even opportunity for ourselves to figure out, okay, how 551 00:30:04,430 --> 00:30:07,070 S2: do I manage my fear in these different moments so 552 00:30:07,070 --> 00:30:09,710 S2: that I don't stand in the way of this beautiful opportunity? 553 00:30:09,710 --> 00:30:12,630 S2: So I love that you told that story. I love 554 00:30:12,630 --> 00:30:14,190 S2: that they had that experience. 555 00:30:14,190 --> 00:30:18,350 S1: Talk to the person who's like me though, who's a catastrophizing, who, 556 00:30:18,420 --> 00:30:21,980 S1: If you put me on Lookout Mountain with those kids. 557 00:30:22,140 --> 00:30:25,660 S1: I would have bungee cords around every one of them. And, 558 00:30:25,700 --> 00:30:28,260 S1: you know, helmets and. Oh, you're going to scrape your. 559 00:30:28,300 --> 00:30:31,260 S1: I would, I would do the exact same thing, you know. 560 00:30:31,340 --> 00:30:32,980 S1: Life flight. I got to figure out, well, how much 561 00:30:33,020 --> 00:30:35,180 S1: is that going to cost? You know, and the rattlesnakes. 562 00:30:35,180 --> 00:30:39,340 S1: What about rattlesnakes? I give you 100 different scenarios of 563 00:30:39,340 --> 00:30:43,340 S1: ways that kids can hurt, get hurt, and hold back 564 00:30:43,340 --> 00:30:46,180 S1: from that. So what do you say to the catastrophizing? 565 00:30:46,220 --> 00:30:47,140 S1: Who's listening? 566 00:30:48,340 --> 00:30:52,980 S2: I love your honesty and owning your struggle and that Chris. 567 00:30:53,020 --> 00:30:55,460 S2: And I think it's universal and I think it varies 568 00:30:55,460 --> 00:30:57,860 S2: depending on the situation. I think it can vary depending 569 00:30:57,860 --> 00:31:01,180 S2: on the kid and it can vary depending on here's 570 00:31:01,180 --> 00:31:06,660 S2: what's key. The amount of work we're doing have done 571 00:31:07,060 --> 00:31:09,580 S2: so that we can pay attention to the right things. 572 00:31:09,580 --> 00:31:12,940 S2: Back to that language of check ourselves. And we have 573 00:31:12,940 --> 00:31:14,940 S2: long said, you know, I've long said and will always 574 00:31:14,940 --> 00:31:17,330 S2: believe the greatest gift we can give the kids we 575 00:31:17,330 --> 00:31:22,850 S2: love is doing our own work. Otherwise, think about that 576 00:31:22,850 --> 00:31:28,010 S2: famous quote of whatever we don't transform, we will transfer. 577 00:31:29,330 --> 00:31:32,690 S2: And so not only could our fear stand in the 578 00:31:32,690 --> 00:31:36,370 S2: way of a beautiful opportunity for our kids, but I 579 00:31:36,370 --> 00:31:38,930 S2: could spill that fear all over my kids in a 580 00:31:38,930 --> 00:31:41,969 S2: way that they start to absorb that as their everyday experience. 581 00:31:42,010 --> 00:31:45,290 S2: We talk a lot about how anxiety is contagious, but 582 00:31:45,290 --> 00:31:48,690 S2: the great news is calm is contagious too. But it 583 00:31:48,690 --> 00:31:51,810 S2: takes some work to get to that place for ourselves 584 00:31:51,810 --> 00:31:53,890 S2: so that we can offer the calm we want to offer. 585 00:31:53,890 --> 00:31:56,370 S2: So I think it's a matter of thinking through, what 586 00:31:56,370 --> 00:31:57,930 S2: do I need to do to attend to this, whether 587 00:31:57,930 --> 00:31:59,930 S2: it's in the moment, because I appreciate it. Even when 588 00:31:59,930 --> 00:32:02,690 S2: you asked that question, Chris, if just for you safety, 589 00:32:02,730 --> 00:32:04,930 S2: it wouldn't have been wrong to say safety might involve, okay, 590 00:32:04,970 --> 00:32:06,730 S2: I need everybody to wear a helmet when we're doing 591 00:32:06,730 --> 00:32:09,250 S2: the climbing, or let's figure out how we can use 592 00:32:09,250 --> 00:32:10,730 S2: some ropes in helpful ways. 593 00:32:10,770 --> 00:32:13,170 S1: Maybe it was walking down the sidewalk. He's like, put 594 00:32:13,170 --> 00:32:16,270 S1: your helmet on. Where's your knee pads? You know, and 595 00:32:16,310 --> 00:32:19,030 S1: I know I'm being hard on myself, but that's what 596 00:32:19,030 --> 00:32:22,750 S1: I do. I spend that with my kids, but I, 597 00:32:22,790 --> 00:32:26,270 S1: I spun it for myself as well. And I, you know, 598 00:32:26,310 --> 00:32:30,469 S1: fortunately I married, I married somebody who is not that way, 599 00:32:30,630 --> 00:32:33,590 S1: you know, who went full tilt on a bicycle down, 600 00:32:33,630 --> 00:32:37,830 S1: you know, the the driveway of life and let the 601 00:32:37,830 --> 00:32:41,990 S1: wind fly in her hair. And she leaked that over 602 00:32:42,030 --> 00:32:44,950 S1: onto me. Okay, so there's the other who said, whatever. 603 00:32:44,950 --> 00:32:48,469 S1: We don't transform, we transfer, does it? Does that. Richard. 604 00:32:48,470 --> 00:32:48,990 S2: Rohr. 605 00:32:49,110 --> 00:32:49,469 S1: Richard. 606 00:32:49,510 --> 00:32:52,310 S2: Richard Rohr. Who's a Catholic priest that's been credited with 607 00:32:52,310 --> 00:32:52,870 S2: those words? 608 00:32:52,910 --> 00:32:55,790 S1: Yeah. Okay. All right. So there's three quotes. Discomfort is 609 00:32:55,790 --> 00:32:59,310 S1: the price of admission to a meaningful life. First attempt 610 00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:01,950 S1: in learning is what fail is. And Richard Rohr is whatever. 611 00:33:01,950 --> 00:33:05,350 S1: We don't transform, we transfer. Which takes us to William 612 00:33:05,350 --> 00:33:07,630 S1: in Illinois. William, why did you call today? 613 00:33:08,510 --> 00:33:13,110 S5: Well, I have nine children. I'm Gen X, I'm 55. 614 00:33:13,470 --> 00:33:16,420 S5: And when I. When I was little, my mom was 615 00:33:16,460 --> 00:33:19,020 S5: Ho Chi Minh. I lived in a tiger cage and 616 00:33:19,020 --> 00:33:21,660 S5: I didn't have a dad. I grew up in the drugs, 617 00:33:23,300 --> 00:33:27,220 S5: had a fall out, but I became a dad. Um, 618 00:33:27,460 --> 00:33:29,660 S5: you don't know how I got online because I had 619 00:33:29,660 --> 00:33:33,580 S5: to adopt and everything, but nonetheless, my attitude. My son 620 00:33:33,580 --> 00:33:36,460 S5: was preemie, £2, three ounces. He was one of four. 621 00:33:36,500 --> 00:33:40,300 S5: He he's the only one that survived. And from that moment, 622 00:33:40,300 --> 00:33:42,780 S5: I instilled upon him what was never given to me. 623 00:33:42,820 --> 00:33:46,459 S5: A self awareness that you can do anything if you 624 00:33:46,460 --> 00:33:49,060 S5: put your mind to it. And then I had my 625 00:33:49,060 --> 00:33:56,260 S5: daughter Maggie, and, uh, it bled over into her, but 626 00:33:56,940 --> 00:33:58,900 S5: the only thing I did was I did the exact 627 00:33:58,900 --> 00:34:01,900 S5: opposite of what my parents did. If my kids did 628 00:34:01,900 --> 00:34:04,340 S5: something wrong, I did the exact opposite of what my 629 00:34:04,340 --> 00:34:06,620 S5: mother did to me. And I always told my kids, 630 00:34:06,620 --> 00:34:09,700 S5: never give up. You can do this. Believe in yourself. 631 00:34:09,739 --> 00:34:12,260 S5: You can do it. You will succeed. You can only 632 00:34:12,260 --> 00:34:15,649 S5: rely on yourself. And I have to say, that is 633 00:34:15,650 --> 00:34:18,450 S5: what helped my parenting, to give my children the success 634 00:34:18,450 --> 00:34:21,450 S5: that they are today. Um, I have a variety of them. 635 00:34:21,450 --> 00:34:23,410 S5: So I just want to say that. 636 00:34:23,570 --> 00:34:24,330 S1: I'm really glad. 637 00:34:24,370 --> 00:34:25,570 S5: That as a parent. 638 00:34:26,250 --> 00:34:29,610 S1: I'm so glad that you got through, William, because there's 639 00:34:29,610 --> 00:34:32,490 S1: somebody listening who needed to hear what you said because 640 00:34:32,489 --> 00:34:35,210 S1: they had a parent who did like your mom. Did 641 00:34:35,250 --> 00:34:38,210 S1: you know that the cage and they've been had a 642 00:34:38,210 --> 00:34:40,129 S1: hard time breaking out of it? You just, you just 643 00:34:40,130 --> 00:34:43,530 S1: kind of flipped it around. And I want to ask you, David, 644 00:34:44,010 --> 00:34:46,009 S1: the power of a dad, since we're coming up to 645 00:34:46,050 --> 00:34:49,969 S1: Father's Day, a dad can have a huge impact on 646 00:34:49,969 --> 00:34:52,250 S1: a child's life like that, right? 647 00:34:52,969 --> 00:34:56,250 S2: Oh. Huge impact. And I could feel the evidence of 648 00:34:56,610 --> 00:34:59,210 S2: your heart as you were asking that question on behalf 649 00:34:59,210 --> 00:35:01,410 S2: of the kids and sharing your story. And I love 650 00:35:01,410 --> 00:35:06,530 S2: that we're highlighting the impact. It's overwhelming how much research 651 00:35:06,650 --> 00:35:11,989 S2: continues to communicate that reality and how transformative A dad's 652 00:35:11,989 --> 00:35:15,150 S2: voice and presence can be in the life of a child. 653 00:35:15,150 --> 00:35:17,509 S2: And even back to what we were talking about a 654 00:35:17,510 --> 00:35:22,110 S2: moment ago. It does require how do we untangle that 655 00:35:22,110 --> 00:35:25,430 S2: message of. What's most true about me is how I 656 00:35:25,430 --> 00:35:27,069 S2: perform out in the world. So we've got to do 657 00:35:27,070 --> 00:35:29,190 S2: some untangling so that we can free our kids up. 658 00:35:29,190 --> 00:35:31,470 S2: And then I think to everything you were just sharing, 659 00:35:31,469 --> 00:35:34,710 S2: we've got to do some work or else what can 660 00:35:34,750 --> 00:35:37,190 S2: often happen. You talked about going the opposite direction. What 661 00:35:37,190 --> 00:35:40,230 S2: can so often happen is, you know, those words in 662 00:35:40,230 --> 00:35:42,069 S2: the Scripture. It's not very pleasant to go back to, 663 00:35:42,110 --> 00:35:44,350 S2: but it says we're dogs that return to our vomit. 664 00:35:44,390 --> 00:35:47,070 S2: You know, we're creatures of habit. And we can intuitively, 665 00:35:47,070 --> 00:35:51,750 S2: instinctively go back to what's most familiar, even when it's 666 00:35:51,750 --> 00:35:54,790 S2: not helpful, it's not healthy. It's not what we want 667 00:35:54,830 --> 00:35:57,750 S2: or desire. But I think it's even within the conversation 668 00:35:57,750 --> 00:36:00,910 S2: we were sharing about anxiety, like, unless I do the 669 00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:02,549 S2: work I need to do on behalf of the kids 670 00:36:02,550 --> 00:36:05,910 S2: that I love, I could return back to that fear 671 00:36:06,070 --> 00:36:08,629 S2: that stands in the way of building this capability that 672 00:36:08,630 --> 00:36:09,390 S2: I desire. 673 00:36:09,590 --> 00:36:13,739 S1: Yeah. And I think so much of my life I 674 00:36:13,780 --> 00:36:17,100 S1: have felt as a parent or whatever, it's just, okay, 675 00:36:17,140 --> 00:36:20,060 S1: where's the problem and how do we fix it? And 676 00:36:20,100 --> 00:36:23,460 S1: where's where's the mal? Okay. Anxiety and kids. Okay. What's 677 00:36:23,460 --> 00:36:27,220 S1: the formula to do to fix that? And a child 678 00:36:27,219 --> 00:36:30,980 S1: is not a a thing to be fixed. It's a 679 00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:34,500 S1: person to be loved and a person to see yourself 680 00:36:34,500 --> 00:36:36,660 S1: in as well. Because in a lot of ways, I 681 00:36:36,660 --> 00:36:39,219 S1: think of myself, my own life as, okay, how do 682 00:36:39,219 --> 00:36:42,339 S1: I fix this? What is the fix in here? And 683 00:36:42,340 --> 00:36:46,020 S1: I don't think God is looking at me and saying, okay, 684 00:36:46,060 --> 00:36:48,100 S1: I need to fix this. I need to fix this. 685 00:36:48,340 --> 00:36:53,140 S1: He is wooing me toward himself in a relationship. And 686 00:36:53,180 --> 00:36:57,220 S1: we can talk more about that as well as the competent, 687 00:36:57,260 --> 00:37:01,380 S1: the capable building exercises that you have in this book 688 00:37:01,380 --> 00:37:05,180 S1: capable how to teach your kids strength, skills and strategies 689 00:37:05,180 --> 00:37:09,250 S1: to build resilience. Our featured resource at Chris Fabry live.org. 690 00:37:09,770 --> 00:37:23,450 S1: Chris Fabry live.org. Speaking about dads, we're going to open 691 00:37:23,450 --> 00:37:26,650 S1: the phone lines for you tomorrow to tell me what 692 00:37:26,650 --> 00:37:32,130 S1: your dad did that showed his delight in you or 693 00:37:32,850 --> 00:37:36,250 S1: what dads do today. I've been seeing things in the neighborhood, 694 00:37:36,290 --> 00:37:40,489 S1: keeping a mental list of them about what dads do. 695 00:37:40,489 --> 00:37:43,129 S1: So let's have a conversation tomorrow here at the back 696 00:37:43,170 --> 00:37:46,850 S1: fence today, David Thomas, who along with Sissy Goff has 697 00:37:46,850 --> 00:37:50,529 S1: written the book Capable How to Teach Your Kids the strengths, 698 00:37:50,530 --> 00:37:54,650 S1: skills and strategies to build resilience. Part of this is 699 00:37:54,650 --> 00:37:57,370 S1: you've made it very, very practical, and I want to 700 00:37:57,370 --> 00:38:02,210 S1: get to a couple of those practical, capable building exercises. 701 00:38:02,650 --> 00:38:06,130 S1: The CBS that you have, there's also a workbook for 702 00:38:06,130 --> 00:38:09,549 S1: those for the kids between 6 and 12 who can 703 00:38:09,550 --> 00:38:13,710 S1: go through this but take the. Take an elementary school 704 00:38:13,750 --> 00:38:18,790 S1: aged child. Take a teenager. Tell me a couple of 705 00:38:19,230 --> 00:38:21,470 S1: these exercises for both of them. 706 00:38:22,590 --> 00:38:25,069 S2: Well, first off, I appreciate you mentioning them. They're one 707 00:38:25,070 --> 00:38:27,350 S2: of my favorite parts of the book. And we packed 708 00:38:27,350 --> 00:38:31,270 S2: the workbook full of opportunity because we want this book 709 00:38:31,310 --> 00:38:33,750 S2: and workbook to be experiential. We don't want it to 710 00:38:33,790 --> 00:38:37,310 S2: just be information. We want it to be opportunity for practice. 711 00:38:37,310 --> 00:38:41,270 S2: And so we have a list of 100 capable building 712 00:38:41,270 --> 00:38:44,470 S2: exercises where we start with littles, we move to middles, 713 00:38:44,469 --> 00:38:46,950 S2: we go toward older. So we're trying to make the 714 00:38:46,950 --> 00:38:49,469 S2: content as user friendly as possible. And so a great 715 00:38:49,469 --> 00:38:53,149 S2: example would be one of the strengths that we talk 716 00:38:53,190 --> 00:38:57,390 S2: about in the book is flexibility. So honestly, this could 717 00:38:57,390 --> 00:38:59,950 S2: be done with littles middles or olders. But when you 718 00:38:59,950 --> 00:39:03,830 S2: go to sit down tonight at dinner, practicing flexibility is 719 00:39:03,830 --> 00:39:08,860 S2: so important to All kids, but in particular kids who 720 00:39:08,860 --> 00:39:12,580 S2: are anxious because those kids can often get really rigid 721 00:39:12,580 --> 00:39:17,380 S2: and inflexible in life and their primary means of coping 722 00:39:17,380 --> 00:39:19,819 S2: can be controlled. And so they don't love it when 723 00:39:19,820 --> 00:39:22,420 S2: they get a curve ball and can fall apart in 724 00:39:22,420 --> 00:39:26,180 S2: the least of curveballs they get. So practice flexibility by saying, okay, tonight, 725 00:39:26,180 --> 00:39:30,219 S2: before we sit down at the dinner table, everybody move 726 00:39:30,260 --> 00:39:33,180 S2: one seat to the left. We're going to sit in 727 00:39:33,180 --> 00:39:34,980 S2: a different spot. If we always sit in the exact 728 00:39:34,980 --> 00:39:39,140 S2: same spot or, hey, this week we're going to switch 729 00:39:39,180 --> 00:39:41,819 S2: it up and dad's going to do drop off and 730 00:39:41,820 --> 00:39:44,500 S2: I'm going to do pickup or your grandparents are going 731 00:39:44,540 --> 00:39:46,380 S2: to do drop off or the next door neighbor is 732 00:39:46,380 --> 00:39:49,739 S2: going to do pickup. So do some swapping around for 733 00:39:49,739 --> 00:39:52,819 S2: the sake of, of practicing flexibility in small ways so 734 00:39:52,820 --> 00:39:57,820 S2: that when kids get to the bigger things that change unexpectedly, 735 00:39:57,820 --> 00:39:59,980 S2: they have had practice all along the way and it 736 00:39:59,980 --> 00:40:02,140 S2: doesn't feel so overwhelming. 737 00:40:02,140 --> 00:40:04,140 S1: You have to be intentional with that though. You have 738 00:40:04,140 --> 00:40:07,919 S1: to especially get the neighbors or your grandparents involved. And 739 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:10,959 S1: do you tell the kids, okay, this is to this 740 00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:14,080 S1: is for flexibility? Or do you just say, here's what 741 00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:14,720 S1: we're doing. 742 00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,920 S2: I think it's great to not tell them when the 743 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:20,560 S2: practices are coming up, because there could be some, a 744 00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:22,880 S2: dread and a lot of moaning and groaning that we 745 00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:25,640 S2: could avoid. And I want them to experience the element 746 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:28,319 S2: of surprise. But when we do it, I do think 747 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:31,719 S2: it's important within the experience to talk about the importance 748 00:40:31,719 --> 00:40:35,480 S2: of flexibility. So define the purpose within the experience, but 749 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:38,120 S2: throw them some curve balls. It's a great thing for 750 00:40:38,120 --> 00:40:40,080 S2: kids to practice in the small ways. 751 00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:44,920 S1: Uh, one other practical exercise, especially for teenagers. 752 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,680 S2: Yeah, this could be a good experiment to do. As 753 00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:51,840 S2: a family. We have a whole chapter on managing emotions, 754 00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:56,240 S2: which is foundational for every one of us to develop 755 00:40:56,239 --> 00:40:59,080 S2: skills in this space. And we talk about a really easy, 756 00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:05,390 S2: simple definition that healthy co A Brings relief and B 757 00:41:05,550 --> 00:41:08,989 S2: does no harm. So healthy coping brings relief and does 758 00:41:08,989 --> 00:41:12,030 S2: no harm. And generally speaking, in this world, we're we're 759 00:41:12,030 --> 00:41:13,830 S2: all pretty good at finding our way to things that 760 00:41:13,830 --> 00:41:16,989 S2: bring relief, but sometimes it brings harm. So a great 761 00:41:16,989 --> 00:41:19,790 S2: example would be a lot of kids, a lot of teenagers, 762 00:41:19,790 --> 00:41:24,270 S2: when they're struggling internally, can yell at siblings, yell at parents. 763 00:41:24,830 --> 00:41:28,030 S2: That may bring a little relief to get that intensity out, 764 00:41:28,030 --> 00:41:30,670 S2: but it brings harm to the relationship. If I'm punishing 765 00:41:30,670 --> 00:41:32,950 S2: the people I love the most in this world and 766 00:41:33,350 --> 00:41:36,149 S2: think about numbing with screens, we're all vulnerable to that, 767 00:41:36,150 --> 00:41:37,750 S2: and we all know it can bring relief to do 768 00:41:37,750 --> 00:41:39,950 S2: a little doomscrolling for a few minutes. And then we 769 00:41:40,469 --> 00:41:42,790 S2: have every one of us experience that moment where it's like, 770 00:41:42,790 --> 00:41:44,509 S2: I have been on this device way too long. Why 771 00:41:44,510 --> 00:41:47,270 S2: did I let this become a source of relief? Because 772 00:41:47,270 --> 00:41:49,110 S2: I actually, my brain just kind of feels like mush 773 00:41:49,110 --> 00:41:51,710 S2: right now. So we think it's a great practice for 774 00:41:51,710 --> 00:41:53,710 S2: families to sit down and make what we call a 775 00:41:53,710 --> 00:41:56,830 S2: top five list. Just a top five list of healthy 776 00:41:56,830 --> 00:42:00,029 S2: coping strategies that meet both criteria. What are things that 777 00:42:00,030 --> 00:42:02,939 S2: bring relief but do no harm. And it's really fun. 778 00:42:02,940 --> 00:42:06,340 S2: We've got a whole host of ideas that we recommend 779 00:42:06,340 --> 00:42:08,940 S2: to kids and to adolescents and to families as they 780 00:42:08,940 --> 00:42:11,700 S2: do some experimenting. And then part of having a resilient 781 00:42:11,700 --> 00:42:14,860 S2: mindset is revisiting that top five list all along the 782 00:42:14,860 --> 00:42:17,780 S2: way and figuring out, am I still using all five? 783 00:42:17,820 --> 00:42:20,419 S2: Maybe I'm not really using number three. So let's take 784 00:42:20,420 --> 00:42:23,340 S2: that off and replace it with something better. That's having 785 00:42:23,340 --> 00:42:25,620 S2: a resilient mindset. If something's not working, I'm open to 786 00:42:25,660 --> 00:42:26,620 S2: trying something new. 787 00:42:26,900 --> 00:42:31,140 S1: MM. Christopher's in Cleveland, Tennessee. Christopher, why'd you call today? 788 00:42:32,660 --> 00:42:33,140 S5: Hello. 789 00:42:33,420 --> 00:42:35,700 S6: And God bless. How are you today? 790 00:42:35,820 --> 00:42:37,460 S1: Thank you. Doing great. Thank you. 791 00:42:38,219 --> 00:42:41,100 S6: Wonderful, wonderful. Well, David was my was my youth minister 792 00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:44,020 S6: growing up in Atlanta. Um, I was anything but a 793 00:42:44,020 --> 00:42:47,660 S6: good child. And, uh, and, you know, he stayed to 794 00:42:47,660 --> 00:42:51,300 S6: be one of my, my best friends. I'm 49 now, 795 00:42:51,300 --> 00:42:55,020 S6: so 35, some odd years ago, he was my safe harbor, um, 796 00:42:55,060 --> 00:42:58,219 S6: kept me out of some pretty dark places. So, um, 797 00:42:58,219 --> 00:43:00,420 S6: I've just about ran off the road because I had the, 798 00:43:00,420 --> 00:43:02,680 S6: to have the station on. I heard I heard him 799 00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:04,560 S6: come on, and I got home and I immediately had 800 00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,920 S6: to call in. So, David, good to hear you on 801 00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:07,680 S6: the radio, Bud. 802 00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:12,440 S2: Christopher, it's good to hear you. Yes, sir. Thank you 803 00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:14,440 S2: for taking time to call in. 804 00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:17,239 S1: Well. Thank you. Got to give me a you got 805 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:20,200 S1: to give me a specific here, Christopher. What did he 806 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:23,720 S1: was there a a verse that he gave you? Was 807 00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:26,520 S1: there a sentence that like he's given to us here today, 808 00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:29,200 S1: you know, quotes or was he just there? 809 00:43:30,239 --> 00:43:32,960 S6: Well, just just about everything he said today is something 810 00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:36,240 S6: that he helped instill in me. Um, you know, I 811 00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:40,719 S6: came from a group of four children and I was 812 00:43:40,719 --> 00:43:42,719 S6: always the black sheep. And so I was always looking 813 00:43:42,719 --> 00:43:46,160 S6: for something to fill that hole for me. And, um, 814 00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:50,799 S6: luckily David came along and, um. Yeah, the one there's one, 815 00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:53,160 S6: there's a song that, that we did at a, at 816 00:43:53,160 --> 00:43:56,239 S6: a youth group retreat. Um, it's called Lord prepare me 817 00:43:56,239 --> 00:43:58,279 S6: to be a sanctuary. I'm not going to sing it 818 00:43:58,280 --> 00:44:01,830 S6: because I don't sing very well. But I do remember 819 00:44:01,830 --> 00:44:04,430 S6: that was a life changing moment for me and something 820 00:44:04,430 --> 00:44:08,109 S6: I've carried with me throughout the adult life. And wow, 821 00:44:08,150 --> 00:44:10,109 S6: you know, two of my kids are grown. I've got 822 00:44:10,110 --> 00:44:12,950 S6: an 11 year old and then the love of my life. Um, 823 00:44:13,230 --> 00:44:16,110 S6: she has an 11 year old too, so. Wow. Um, 824 00:44:16,110 --> 00:44:18,270 S6: you know, it's just it's all good information now that 825 00:44:18,270 --> 00:44:19,509 S6: I know he's got a book, I've got to go 826 00:44:19,510 --> 00:44:19,830 S6: get it. 827 00:44:19,830 --> 00:44:22,830 S1: So there you go. Well, if you'll hang on, we'll 828 00:44:22,830 --> 00:44:26,310 S1: get you a copy. So don't go anywhere. Christopher. I've 829 00:44:26,350 --> 00:44:29,109 S1: got to hear what's rolling around your soul. David, when 830 00:44:29,110 --> 00:44:29,750 S1: you hear that. 831 00:44:30,630 --> 00:44:35,750 S2: Well, you know the gift of doing this work with 832 00:44:35,870 --> 00:44:39,549 S2: students for so many years. And although I don't love 833 00:44:39,590 --> 00:44:41,230 S2: a lot of things about being this old, the one 834 00:44:41,230 --> 00:44:43,589 S2: thing I really do love is the chance to get 835 00:44:43,590 --> 00:44:45,230 S2: to see the evidence of. 836 00:44:45,590 --> 00:44:46,030 S1: Yes. 837 00:44:46,469 --> 00:44:51,270 S2: Amazing humans who turn out to be incredible parents. Christopher, 838 00:44:51,310 --> 00:44:54,989 S2: you're such a picture of that. Like who grow and 839 00:44:54,989 --> 00:44:56,790 S2: go out in the world and turn around and give 840 00:44:56,830 --> 00:44:59,980 S2: back things they experienced through their own experience to their 841 00:44:59,980 --> 00:45:02,819 S2: own kids. And so sissy and I laugh all the 842 00:45:02,820 --> 00:45:05,940 S2: time about that's the one upside about being this old. 843 00:45:05,940 --> 00:45:07,660 S2: As we get to see the fruit and the evidence 844 00:45:07,660 --> 00:45:10,620 S2: of just students, we had the great privilege of knowing 845 00:45:10,660 --> 00:45:12,900 S2: at some point all along the way in our work 846 00:45:12,900 --> 00:45:15,940 S2: and seeing them be extraordinary parents themselves. 847 00:45:16,500 --> 00:45:19,060 S1: Well, what he said was gold. And the other thing 848 00:45:19,060 --> 00:45:22,140 S1: that it means is that you don't you can have 849 00:45:22,140 --> 00:45:26,700 S1: someone other than your parents talk about this kind of 850 00:45:26,739 --> 00:45:29,900 S1: thing and speak this and call it out the capability 851 00:45:30,219 --> 00:45:33,420 S1: of your life. If you didn't have that parental figure 852 00:45:33,420 --> 00:45:37,220 S1: that gave you that, there are others who can give 853 00:45:37,219 --> 00:45:39,859 S1: you that, and that's okay to give you that kind 854 00:45:39,860 --> 00:45:43,739 S1: of wing, those kinds of wings. Christopher Hagan will get 855 00:45:43,739 --> 00:45:47,219 S1: your information. David, great to see you get to talk 856 00:45:47,219 --> 00:45:49,540 S1: with you. At least here today at the back fence, 857 00:45:49,540 --> 00:45:52,580 S1: you tell sissy we said hello and come back and 858 00:45:52,580 --> 00:45:53,900 S1: see us real soon, okay. 859 00:45:54,580 --> 00:45:56,920 S2: I promise I will. Chris, thank you for the good 860 00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:58,799 S2: work you're doing in the world. It's always a joy 861 00:45:58,800 --> 00:45:59,880 S2: to spend time with you. 862 00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:04,200 S1: His name is David Thomas along with Cissy Goff. They 863 00:46:04,239 --> 00:46:08,280 S1: have written capable how to teach your kids the strengths, 864 00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:13,439 S1: skills and strategies to build resilience. So featured resource, just 865 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:17,600 S1: go to chris.org and we have the workbook link there 866 00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:20,760 S1: as well for children 6 to 12. So the parents 867 00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:22,560 S1: can read the book and the kids can go through 868 00:46:22,560 --> 00:46:26,120 S1: the workbook. And we'll meet here again next week. And 869 00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:28,560 S1: you tell us how it's going with you. They're doing 870 00:46:28,560 --> 00:46:30,879 S1: that capable thing. Or if you're like me and you 871 00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:34,560 S1: have so much dread in your life and you catastrophize 872 00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:37,359 S1: tell me how that's going as well. Thanks for listening today. 873 00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:41,320 S1: Come on back tomorrow. It's a Father's Day celebration about 874 00:46:41,320 --> 00:46:43,880 S1: dad right here on Chris Fabry Live, which is a 875 00:46:43,880 --> 00:46:47,960 S1: production of Moody Radio Ministry of Moody Bible Institute online. 876 00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:49,680 S1: Chris live.org.