WEBVTT - Dear Gary | October 0:00:00.960 --> 0:00:04.880 We're finding ourselves in an immense amount of guilt because, 0:00:04.920 --> 0:00:06.520 you know, we're living in sin every day. 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:09.160 I don't know how to move forward due to her 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:10.480 fear and bitterness. 0:00:10.520 --> 0:00:13.880 My husband was working hand in hand with God and 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:15.000 helping me get through it. 0:00:18.960 --> 0:00:22.320 Welcome to Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:25.599 the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today, 0:00:25.600 --> 0:00:28.960 it's our Dear Gary broadcast for the very last day 0:00:28.960 --> 0:00:31.760 of October. Time to open the phone lines and hear 0:00:31.760 --> 0:00:35.680 your questions about the love languages, your marriage, singles issues, 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:38.360 and more. And if you want to ask a question 0:00:38.360 --> 0:00:50.640 for a future broadcast, call this number 1866424. Gary (866) 424-4279. 0:00:50.680 --> 0:00:54.560 Each week we have a featured resource. And with Thanksgiving approaching, 0:00:54.560 --> 0:00:58.720 we have a book by author Stu Epperson titled Thanks living. 0:00:59.080 --> 0:01:01.250 And I see a familiar name of the person who 0:01:01.250 --> 0:01:04.809 wrote the foreword to that book, Doctor Gary Chapman. This 0:01:04.810 --> 0:01:07.250 is a topic you really believe in, right, Gary? 0:01:07.530 --> 0:01:10.490 Well, I really do, Chris. Of course, I've known the 0:01:10.490 --> 0:01:14.370 author for a long, long time. Knew his father beforehand. 0:01:14.810 --> 0:01:18.649 He was one of the owners of Salem Radio Network 0:01:18.650 --> 0:01:21.970 and so forth. And his son Stu, who wrote this book, 0:01:21.970 --> 0:01:25.570 is also into radio and has a number of stations, 0:01:25.569 --> 0:01:30.850 Christian stations. And but when I saw the book and 0:01:30.850 --> 0:01:35.490 the idea not just Thanksgiving Day, you know, because we 0:01:35.490 --> 0:01:39.490 all are aware of that, but thanks. Living as a 0:01:39.490 --> 0:01:42.930 way of life. Uh, and he based the whole thing 0:01:42.930 --> 0:01:46.890 on first Thessalonians chapter five and verse 18, which says, 0:01:46.890 --> 0:01:50.850 in everything, give thanks. Uh, when I read the book, 0:01:50.850 --> 0:01:53.170 I thought, oh man, this is what I mean. Every 0:01:53.170 --> 0:01:56.210 Christian needs to read this book because we need to 0:01:56.210 --> 0:01:59.770 be thankful. You know, and even in hard situations, we 0:01:59.770 --> 0:02:02.970 can look for things for which we can be thankful. 0:02:03.010 --> 0:02:05.930 We can't always thank God. I don't think honestly about, 0:02:05.970 --> 0:02:08.610 you know, really tragic things that happen in our lives, 0:02:08.930 --> 0:02:13.490 but we can look for things associated with that that 0:02:13.490 --> 0:02:17.330 we can give thanks for. And so, yeah, I think 0:02:17.330 --> 0:02:21.609 this book will help any, anyone who really wants to 0:02:21.850 --> 0:02:25.570 follow the scriptures in this particular area, and that is 0:02:25.570 --> 0:02:28.889 looking for things to give thanks and giving thanks to God. 0:02:29.250 --> 0:02:32.169 And see how that will transform your life when you 0:02:32.169 --> 0:02:35.890 have that kind of mindset, whatever circumstance you're in, up, down, 0:02:35.889 --> 0:02:38.329 or in the middle. Find out more about the book 0:02:38.370 --> 0:02:44.410 at Building relationships.us. It's titled thanks Living Embracing the Power 0:02:44.410 --> 0:02:50.250 of Gratitude Every day. Just go to building relationships.us. Well, Gary, 0:02:50.250 --> 0:02:53.329 let's begin with a question about a couple. They've changed 0:02:53.330 --> 0:02:56.850 spiritual direction and now they need a little advice. 0:02:57.660 --> 0:03:01.340 I'm calling because me and my boyfriend, we have three 0:03:01.340 --> 0:03:05.580 kids together. We live together. We've been together for seven 0:03:05.580 --> 0:03:10.780 years going on. And we've recently found our journey with Jesus. 0:03:10.780 --> 0:03:14.060 And we recently said yes to Jesus. And we're finding 0:03:14.060 --> 0:03:17.900 ourselves in an immense amount of guilt because, you know, 0:03:17.940 --> 0:03:22.340 we're living in sin every day. We are questioning what 0:03:22.340 --> 0:03:25.139 we should do in this case scenario where we, you know, 0:03:25.180 --> 0:03:28.459 live together. He's the primary breadwinner in the house. And 0:03:28.460 --> 0:03:31.300 it's just not an option to not live together, given 0:03:31.300 --> 0:03:33.700 that we have three kids, a life together. We've been 0:03:33.700 --> 0:03:37.220 together for so long and it's getting hard to not 0:03:37.220 --> 0:03:41.380 give in to temptation because we are trying to do 0:03:41.380 --> 0:03:45.860 it the way God intended. Meaning we've been, you know, 0:03:45.900 --> 0:03:48.820 staying clear of each other in an intimate way. But 0:03:49.700 --> 0:03:52.420 we it makes it harder because we live together and 0:03:52.420 --> 0:03:54.860 there's just temptation living together. We sleep in the same 0:03:54.860 --> 0:03:57.980 bed and stuff like that. So it's definitely been hard. 0:03:57.980 --> 0:04:01.420 We've been doing very well at fighting that temptation, but 0:04:01.420 --> 0:04:04.020 we're wondering what your opinion is in a situation like 0:04:04.060 --> 0:04:06.740 ours where we do want to get married, but it's 0:04:06.740 --> 0:04:10.220 just a financial thing at this point, and it's hard 0:04:10.220 --> 0:04:13.780 to not feel like I'm being materialistic in choosing to 0:04:13.820 --> 0:04:16.660 not get married right this moment because we can't afford it. 0:04:17.060 --> 0:04:20.820 Would your advice be to just go to a courthouse, 0:04:20.860 --> 0:04:24.900 get married, make it legal the way God intended? Because 0:04:24.940 --> 0:04:27.140 it's hard to not feel like we're just living in 0:04:27.140 --> 0:04:30.020 sin every day, not being married, having the kids together 0:04:30.020 --> 0:04:33.020 and living together. So we're just wondering, what would your 0:04:33.020 --> 0:04:36.060 advice be for a family in our situation where we 0:04:36.100 --> 0:04:40.700 got saved after already doing all the things, having kids 0:04:40.700 --> 0:04:44.500 and having, um, a whole life together? Thank you so much. 0:04:44.540 --> 0:04:46.460 And I look forward to hearing the answer to this. 0:04:47.540 --> 0:04:52.540 Well, Chris, first of all, I will admire this couple 0:04:53.180 --> 0:04:58.030 for coming to Christ Out of, you know, their sinful lifestyle. 0:04:58.029 --> 0:05:01.710 All of us came out of sin. We were all sinners, 0:05:02.190 --> 0:05:04.830 and we came to Christ. And some things that that 0:05:04.830 --> 0:05:07.310 many people have done through the years before they became 0:05:07.310 --> 0:05:12.070 Christians were certainly, uh, you know, not biblical things. And 0:05:12.070 --> 0:05:16.190 so we can't change the past. Uh, but, uh, what 0:05:16.190 --> 0:05:18.470 I'm admiring is that not only, first of all, they've 0:05:18.510 --> 0:05:21.790 given their lives to Christ now, and now they want 0:05:21.830 --> 0:05:24.230 to do what's right. You know, and that's, that's the 0:05:24.230 --> 0:05:26.710 desire of every Christian. I think if we're in fellowship 0:05:26.710 --> 0:05:30.349 with God, we want to do whatever God has has 0:05:30.350 --> 0:05:32.630 laid down for us. If he said, don't do it, 0:05:32.710 --> 0:05:34.190 we don't want to do it. If he said, do it, 0:05:34.230 --> 0:05:36.710 we want to do it. Uh, because we know that 0:05:36.710 --> 0:05:39.110 all the commands of God really flow out of his 0:05:39.110 --> 0:05:42.150 love for us. He wants us to have the best 0:05:42.150 --> 0:05:44.670 possible life on earth. And that's why he gave us 0:05:44.710 --> 0:05:47.510 the guidelines that he's laid down in scriptures. You know, 0:05:48.029 --> 0:05:51.390 and so I can understand, uh, you know, the wrestling 0:05:51.390 --> 0:05:54.390 that they're doing with and especially apparently the sense that 0:05:54.390 --> 0:05:57.510 they don't have enough money to get get married. What 0:05:57.510 --> 0:05:59.110 are your thoughts on this, Chris? 0:05:59.950 --> 0:06:03.469 I felt the same way. It's like, yes, yes, you've 0:06:03.510 --> 0:06:07.870 you've followed. You have forgiveness for your sin. You have 0:06:07.870 --> 0:06:10.150 a new name written down in glory, like that old 0:06:10.150 --> 0:06:14.230 song said. But then I thought, the enemy is at 0:06:14.230 --> 0:06:17.110 work here because the enemy wants you to live in 0:06:17.110 --> 0:06:21.789 shame and guilt. And when you do get married, he 0:06:21.790 --> 0:06:24.990 wants you to live in that shame and guilt and think, oh, 0:06:25.150 --> 0:06:27.070 we should have done this. We should have done that. 0:06:27.230 --> 0:06:32.150 And so my, my first thought is, it's fantastic that 0:06:32.150 --> 0:06:34.870 you've taken this step and that you're following Jesus and 0:06:34.870 --> 0:06:38.029 that you're asking this question because a lot of people 0:06:38.029 --> 0:06:41.070 would just, you know, keep on going and, and never, 0:06:41.110 --> 0:06:43.870 you know, never do anything about it. Uh, and we'll 0:06:43.870 --> 0:06:46.430 get married down the road. So I, I'd have a 0:06:46.430 --> 0:06:49.870 couple of questions. What does he think? You know, how 0:06:49.910 --> 0:06:53.150 how is he handling this? Because she is the one 0:06:53.150 --> 0:06:57.280 who's calling here. And what is the the pastor of 0:06:57.279 --> 0:07:00.719 your church if you're involved, maybe they're not involved in 0:07:00.720 --> 0:07:03.520 a church. I don't know, because you and I can 0:07:03.520 --> 0:07:05.720 have an opinion about you. Go to the justice of 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:08.800 the peace today, you know, get this handled. But the 0:07:08.800 --> 0:07:13.160 person who is on the ground in that church near them, 0:07:13.160 --> 0:07:16.440 who knows them, who's going to walk with them, you know, 0:07:16.480 --> 0:07:21.160 forward might have the best advice for them because of 0:07:21.200 --> 0:07:23.120 that knowledge. What do you think of that? 0:07:23.520 --> 0:07:25.680 Yeah, I think that would be a wise thing if 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:27.760 they are involved in a church, is to talk with 0:07:27.760 --> 0:07:31.280 the pastor about it, because obviously, the pastor would certainly 0:07:31.280 --> 0:07:35.440 agree that it's biblical to be married before having sex 0:07:35.440 --> 0:07:39.679 and having children. Uh, but also the pastor realizes that 0:07:39.840 --> 0:07:43.640 we cannot change the past, you know, but we can 0:07:43.680 --> 0:07:48.120 thank God that it is forgiven. A holy God has 0:07:48.120 --> 0:07:51.440 forgiven us. And consequently, now he wants us to walk 0:07:51.480 --> 0:07:54.960 closely with him. And I think the pastor, you know, 0:07:55.000 --> 0:07:57.200 if the pastor knows and they share this with him, 0:07:57.200 --> 0:08:01.160 I think he would his advice would be to. Yes. 0:08:01.200 --> 0:08:03.600 Get let's get married. It's time to do that now. 0:08:03.640 --> 0:08:06.240 And you know, a marriage doesn't have to be expensive. 0:08:06.560 --> 0:08:08.640 I mean, I know we think about, you know, the 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:11.480 typical marriage in which all the families come and all 0:08:11.480 --> 0:08:14.520 that sort of thing. Uh, which is fine. I'm not 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:17.400 opposed to that. And it is very expensive in today's 0:08:17.400 --> 0:08:21.240 world to have that kind of marriage. But having a, 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:24.680 having a ceremony with the pastor of the church and 0:08:24.720 --> 0:08:27.160 a few of your friends or family, if you if 0:08:27.200 --> 0:08:30.800 your family is nearby, uh, it doesn't have to cost 0:08:30.840 --> 0:08:34.240 a lot of money. Uh, but what you're doing is 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:38.599 you're formally in the presence of God and some witnesses. 0:08:38.600 --> 0:08:42.200 There has to be witnesses. You're making that commitment and 0:08:42.200 --> 0:08:47.960 you're joining yourselves together in a covenant relationship. And you know, 0:08:48.040 --> 0:08:50.480 the other thing, Chris, I'd like to say it doesn't 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:54.370 relate relates specifically to her. But in our culture, we 0:08:54.370 --> 0:08:57.569 know that there are many, many couples that are living 0:08:57.610 --> 0:09:01.370 together who have not been married. And the vast majority 0:09:01.370 --> 0:09:05.210 of them end up not getting married. And many of 0:09:05.210 --> 0:09:11.010 those who do eventually get married divorce. So living together 0:09:11.010 --> 0:09:15.490 before marriage. And I know the philosophy well, let's get 0:09:15.490 --> 0:09:18.130 to know each other first. You know, and then see 0:09:18.130 --> 0:09:22.170 if we want to get married. But you can't you can't, uh, 0:09:22.170 --> 0:09:26.290 make a decision based on getting married and seeing how 0:09:26.290 --> 0:09:29.610 it's going to work out. Because the reality is, as 0:09:29.610 --> 0:09:32.970 I said, most of those couples don't get married. And 0:09:32.970 --> 0:09:35.810 now they've got the shame or whatever that has gone 0:09:35.809 --> 0:09:39.410 with that when they become Christians, at least. And, uh, 0:09:39.410 --> 0:09:42.730 and also, uh, they've got to deal with, you know, 0:09:43.210 --> 0:09:45.130 here we go again. And how many times are you 0:09:45.170 --> 0:09:47.490 going to do this with how many different people? And 0:09:47.490 --> 0:09:50.699 how is that different from prostitution? You know, Yeah, a 0:09:50.740 --> 0:09:51.940 lot of questions there. 0:09:52.179 --> 0:09:55.340 Yeah. And there's study after study after study, not just 0:09:55.340 --> 0:09:58.780 from Christian people, but in the secular society that say 0:09:58.780 --> 0:10:06.939 cohabitation is not it doesn't help your relationship later on. So, um, uh, 0:10:07.460 --> 0:10:10.100 would you, if they, if you were talking with her 0:10:10.100 --> 0:10:12.180 live here today, would you say, just go to the 0:10:12.220 --> 0:10:15.300 justice of the peace, get this cared for and then 0:10:15.300 --> 0:10:18.100 and then come back and have a ceremony later on? 0:10:18.100 --> 0:10:20.380 Or would you, would you say, go to the pastor 0:10:20.380 --> 0:10:21.579 and talk with the pastor? 0:10:21.940 --> 0:10:24.380 I think if they are involved in a church, I 0:10:24.380 --> 0:10:27.660 would go to the pastor first. Uh, if they're not 0:10:27.660 --> 0:10:30.660 involved in the church, then I would say yes, just 0:10:30.660 --> 0:10:33.220 go to the justice of the peace and get married. 0:10:33.380 --> 0:10:36.500 It's not, it's financially, it's not going to cost a 0:10:36.540 --> 0:10:40.660 lot of money at all. And you are legally married. 0:10:40.700 --> 0:10:43.819 You made that kind of commitment. But as Christians, I 0:10:43.820 --> 0:10:47.140 think it's always best to have a wedding in the 0:10:47.140 --> 0:10:51.179 context of a pastor, you know? Who knows the biblical 0:10:51.220 --> 0:10:55.020 teachings on marriage and who would certainly appreciate what you're 0:10:55.020 --> 0:10:57.500 saying and would certainly be willing, I would think, to 0:10:57.660 --> 0:11:01.819 perform a ceremony for you. So that's that. That would 0:11:01.820 --> 0:11:03.740 be my advice. Start there. If you have if you 0:11:03.740 --> 0:11:05.580 have a church and I understand you can be a 0:11:05.580 --> 0:11:08.500 Christian and not yet involved in a church, but if 0:11:08.540 --> 0:11:10.819 you do, I would. That's where I would say start. 0:11:11.620 --> 0:11:15.620 Our next caller has a practical love language question. Here's 0:11:15.620 --> 0:11:16.260 her call. 0:11:16.980 --> 0:11:22.140 Hi, Gary. My two adult children. Love language is quality time. 0:11:22.620 --> 0:11:26.340 Who can I speak their language, their love language, since 0:11:26.340 --> 0:11:28.140 they're adults. Thank you. 0:11:29.140 --> 0:11:32.340 Well, that's a good question and a lot of issues 0:11:32.340 --> 0:11:35.780 there that I would, uh, would not know. That is 0:11:35.780 --> 0:11:39.060 if they live in town, for example, or live close 0:11:39.059 --> 0:11:43.340 to you. Uh, it's much easier to spend quality time, 0:11:43.380 --> 0:11:46.699 you know, having them over to your house or, uh, 0:11:46.980 --> 0:11:49.150 going out and have dinner with them or lunch with 0:11:49.150 --> 0:11:53.390 them and that sort of thing. Relatively easy if they're living, 0:11:53.429 --> 0:11:56.630 you know, close by. Now, if they live, of course, 0:11:56.670 --> 0:11:58.990 hundreds of miles away from you, which is true of 0:11:58.990 --> 0:12:05.270 many adult children today, that's a different issue. But with technology, 0:12:05.750 --> 0:12:08.270 it's much easier today than it would have been 50 0:12:08.270 --> 0:12:12.390 years ago to give quality time to your adult children, 0:12:12.390 --> 0:12:16.270 because we can FaceTime now. You can actually see them 0:12:16.270 --> 0:12:19.390 and talk to them at the same time. And that's 0:12:19.390 --> 0:12:24.309 quality time. They have your undivided attention. You can be 0:12:24.309 --> 0:12:29.950 discussing anything. Uh, you know, my granddaughter, for example, calls 0:12:29.950 --> 0:12:33.990 my wife, who is her grandmother every Sunday afternoon at 3:00, 0:12:34.510 --> 0:12:37.470 and they both look forward to it and share their 0:12:37.470 --> 0:12:40.990 week with each other. You know, and that's, that's quality time. 0:12:41.390 --> 0:12:45.470 So now that's assuming, of course, that you have a 0:12:45.470 --> 0:12:48.550 good relationship with your adult children and that they are open, 0:12:48.590 --> 0:12:51.270 you know, to to talk with you and spend time 0:12:51.270 --> 0:12:56.550 with you. Obviously, spending time physically, at least in my mind, 0:12:56.590 --> 0:13:01.470 is always more intimate because you can see each other, 0:13:01.470 --> 0:13:04.630 you can see the facial expression, you can reach out 0:13:04.630 --> 0:13:06.910 and give them a hug if you want to and 0:13:06.910 --> 0:13:09.270 that sort of thing. Uh, so I would say if 0:13:09.270 --> 0:13:11.950 they live close to you, uh, I would take the 0:13:11.950 --> 0:13:15.470 initiative to invite them to a lunch or to your 0:13:15.470 --> 0:13:17.950 home for a meal or whatever. It didn't have to 0:13:17.950 --> 0:13:21.150 be a meal, you know, but their schedule and your 0:13:21.150 --> 0:13:24.390 schedule has to be worked out. Obviously, if they have 0:13:24.390 --> 0:13:26.829 full time job, then, you know, you have a full 0:13:26.870 --> 0:13:30.550 time job, but there's always time if they live close 0:13:30.550 --> 0:13:35.589 by to schedule a quality time with with your adult children. 0:13:35.910 --> 0:13:39.510 I love that question that she is thinking about that. 0:13:39.510 --> 0:13:43.030 And my guess is that Carolyn, when she talks with 0:13:43.070 --> 0:13:47.600 your granddaughter, uh, she has questions about what they've talked 0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:49.839 about the week before and what was coming up and 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:53.360 what happened with this. So you're connected on a heart 0:13:53.360 --> 0:13:57.240 level and you spend time together. That helps, right? 0:13:57.480 --> 0:14:01.800 Yeah, absolutely. The more regularly that you interface with your 0:14:01.800 --> 0:14:06.960 adult children, verbally or physically, the closer the bond is 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:09.280 because you both are sharing your life with each other, 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:14.760 and you can pray for each other more effectively because 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:17.319 you know what they're going through and what they where 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:20.440 they may need prayer, and they will do the same 0:14:20.440 --> 0:14:23.440 for you. So it is important, I think, with our 0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:27.680 adult children that we understand their primary love language and 0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:31.080 we make every effort. Now, we can't control our adult 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:35.240 children and sometimes their adult children that, uh, that choose 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:37.480 not to spend a whole lot of time with their, 0:14:37.480 --> 0:14:41.480 with their parents for whatever reason. Um, but if it's 0:14:41.480 --> 0:14:45.800 a healthy relationship, then it's always positive to speak their 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:48.840 primary love language. Let them know you still love them. 0:14:48.840 --> 0:14:51.520 You're not trying to control them. And when you have 0:14:51.520 --> 0:14:54.520 these conversations, you're not telling them what they ought to do. 0:14:56.000 --> 0:15:00.560 That's God's that's God's responsibility. Uh, and unless they ask 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:03.160 for your advice now, if they ask for your advice 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:07.520 in your conversation, certainly then you can give your advice. Uh, 0:15:07.520 --> 0:15:10.720 or you could ask if they share a problem. Would you, 0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:13.320 would you like to know my thoughts on that? And 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:16.680 if they say no, uh, no, I don't think so. Well, 0:15:16.680 --> 0:15:20.080 then just respect that because they're adults and we're not 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:22.440 there to tell them what to do. We did that 0:15:22.440 --> 0:15:24.760 when they were children, but we don't do that now. 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:28.240 We have to give them the freedom to be there, 0:15:28.840 --> 0:15:31.760 live their lives. And I think that's an important thing 0:15:31.760 --> 0:15:33.160 for parents to recognize. 0:15:33.840 --> 0:15:37.000 This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman here on 0:15:37.000 --> 0:15:40.480 the very last day of October, our dear Gary broadcast. 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:43.200 And we're taking calls from our listener line if you 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:48.370 want to add your voice 866424. Gary, go to the 0:15:48.370 --> 0:15:53.490 website building relationships.us. We have some great resources there for you. 0:15:53.810 --> 0:15:57.010 Our next call is about a deep marriage struggle from 0:15:57.010 --> 0:15:59.410 a husband's perspective. Gary. 0:16:00.490 --> 0:16:05.210 Hi, Gary. My marriage is extremely dysfunctional. Many of my 0:16:05.210 --> 0:16:09.410 choices have destructive consequences. I have gone to counseling and 0:16:09.410 --> 0:16:12.290 I've sought to repent. I want to move forward in 0:16:12.290 --> 0:16:15.770 our marriage and life in general. I've asked my wife 0:16:15.770 --> 0:16:19.770 to go to marriage counseling, but she refuses, saying these 0:16:19.770 --> 0:16:23.890 are not marriage problems but heart problems. He says, I 0:16:23.930 --> 0:16:27.450 am concerned with my words and does not serve in 0:16:27.450 --> 0:16:30.410 a church or be allowed to be a teacher. I 0:16:30.450 --> 0:16:33.770 don't know how to move forward due to her fear 0:16:33.770 --> 0:16:37.090 and bitterness. What would you suggest? 0:16:38.290 --> 0:16:40.410 There were. There was a little drop out there, Gary, 0:16:40.410 --> 0:16:42.690 in his call, but I think you got the gist 0:16:43.050 --> 0:16:45.530 of what he had to say. This rift that is 0:16:45.530 --> 0:16:47.170 between him and his wife. 0:16:47.370 --> 0:16:51.250 Yeah. And it seems like that the foundation was that 0:16:51.250 --> 0:16:54.410 he apparently did some things that he regrets that he did. 0:16:54.730 --> 0:16:57.930 And she's having a hard time perhaps, you know, processing 0:16:57.930 --> 0:17:01.810 all of those and perhaps still, at least that's what 0:17:01.810 --> 0:17:06.010 I gathered, still feeling that he is doing or saying 0:17:06.010 --> 0:17:09.530 things that are hurtful or painful to her. If that 0:17:09.530 --> 0:17:13.410 is the case, indeed, then he needs to listen. He 0:17:13.410 --> 0:17:16.530 needs to try to see her perspective, not argue with her, 0:17:16.970 --> 0:17:20.050 but to say, I want to understand what you're feeling 0:17:20.450 --> 0:17:23.369 and listen and ask questions and let her share her 0:17:23.369 --> 0:17:27.609 feelings and her hurt and her struggles. Because unless we 0:17:27.609 --> 0:17:33.010 listen empathetically, that is listening to understand where they're coming 0:17:33.010 --> 0:17:37.770 from rather than listening in order to be defensive and 0:17:37.770 --> 0:17:40.129 tell them, well, they're thinking wrong, or that's not true, 0:17:40.130 --> 0:17:43.500 or that you know that this leads to an argument. 0:17:43.660 --> 0:17:47.020 But when we can listen long enough to say, you know, honey, 0:17:47.020 --> 0:17:49.700 I think I understand what you're saying, and I can 0:17:49.700 --> 0:17:53.420 see how you would still be struggling with that. And honestly, 0:17:53.420 --> 0:17:56.300 I struggle with it too. But I know God has 0:17:56.300 --> 0:17:59.860 forgiven me and I really want to make life different 0:17:59.859 --> 0:18:02.699 in the future. I hope you can see that. You know, 0:18:02.740 --> 0:18:06.140 those kind of conversations. But if you're if you are 0:18:06.140 --> 0:18:10.660 in fact being defensive when she brings up something, then, uh, 0:18:11.180 --> 0:18:14.700 you're just keeping it alive. Uh, but when you're empathetic 0:18:14.700 --> 0:18:19.179 and share understanding of her thoughts and feelings, you, you, 0:18:19.540 --> 0:18:23.420 when we feel understood, that's if a person is struggling, 0:18:23.420 --> 0:18:27.260 that's what they need most is to feel understood and accepted, 0:18:27.300 --> 0:18:31.179 you know, not not condemning them for the way they feel. Uh, 0:18:31.180 --> 0:18:33.460 it would be ideal, I think. Yes, if she would 0:18:33.460 --> 0:18:37.860 go for counseling, but that's not abnormal. That one partner 0:18:37.859 --> 0:18:40.790 could be the husband or the wife. Uh, is willing 0:18:40.790 --> 0:18:43.389 to go for counseling and the other, for whatever reason, 0:18:43.390 --> 0:18:46.550 is not willing to go for counseling again. You can't 0:18:46.550 --> 0:18:49.790 make your spouse go for counseling, but I would, I 0:18:49.830 --> 0:18:52.990 would encourage you to continue to go for counseling. It 0:18:52.990 --> 0:18:56.070 appears to me, Chris, that he has already had some 0:18:56.070 --> 0:18:59.350 counseling and has found that helpful because you need an 0:18:59.350 --> 0:19:03.470 outside person, and especially a counseling type person that can 0:19:03.470 --> 0:19:07.110 help you wrestle with what you're feeling and your experience 0:19:07.109 --> 0:19:10.869 and your frustration, you know, with her. But I think 0:19:10.910 --> 0:19:14.630 another thing I would say is if you know her 0:19:14.630 --> 0:19:19.070 love language, speak her love language. It doesn't matter how 0:19:19.070 --> 0:19:23.750 she's responding because the scriptures tell us love the unlovely. 0:19:23.790 --> 0:19:26.310 We're to love the way God loves, and that's loving 0:19:26.310 --> 0:19:30.230 the unlovely and speaking her primary love language is the most, 0:19:30.750 --> 0:19:34.910 most positive influence you can have on her. And if 0:19:34.950 --> 0:19:36.830 you don't know her love language or you don't know 0:19:36.830 --> 0:19:39.429 what I'm talking about, I would suggest you read the 0:19:39.510 --> 0:19:43.830 book The Five Love Languages? Many couples have said to me, 0:19:43.869 --> 0:19:47.030 you know, Gary, that book saved our marriage 15 years 0:19:47.030 --> 0:19:49.470 ago or 20 years ago. We were at the ready, 0:19:49.510 --> 0:19:51.590 ready to give up. And we read that book and 0:19:51.590 --> 0:19:54.510 the lights came on, and God used it to change 0:19:54.510 --> 0:19:58.550 our marriage, because one of our deepest emotional needs is 0:19:58.550 --> 0:20:01.590 the need to feel loved. And if your wife does 0:20:01.590 --> 0:20:05.229 not feel loved, then you know, she's she's going to 0:20:05.230 --> 0:20:09.389 have emotional struggles. Uh, so those are my thoughts. 0:20:09.430 --> 0:20:12.510 Chris, what I hear you saying then if I can 0:20:12.510 --> 0:20:16.429 use that vernacular, what I hear you saying is if 0:20:16.430 --> 0:20:20.830 his goal is to move on and to get past 0:20:20.830 --> 0:20:23.750 her bitterness, and this is he can do that, that 0:20:23.750 --> 0:20:26.790 can be your goal. But if your goal is to 0:20:26.830 --> 0:20:32.590 move toward her and try to restore this relationship, then 0:20:32.630 --> 0:20:35.909 her words to you about, uh, this is not a 0:20:35.910 --> 0:20:39.960 marriage problem. It's a heart problem is something that he 0:20:39.960 --> 0:20:44.520 needs to listen to and process and probe then and 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:48.320 ask her, okay, what do you mean by the heart problem? 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:51.240 And tell me more about that and then listen. 0:20:51.680 --> 0:20:56.280 Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's where a counselor can 0:20:56.280 --> 0:20:59.719 help him learn how to do that. Because by nature, 0:21:00.119 --> 0:21:03.160 we listen in order to give an answer. You know, 0:21:03.200 --> 0:21:05.679 we listen to tell them they're right or they're wrong 0:21:05.880 --> 0:21:09.720 and we get defensive. And that just prolongs the problem. 0:21:10.080 --> 0:21:13.120 But listening with a view to fully understanding or as 0:21:13.119 --> 0:21:17.199 much as we can understanding where they're coming from, you know, 0:21:17.240 --> 0:21:19.360 what they're feeling and why they're feeling that and not 0:21:19.359 --> 0:21:22.920 condemning them for those thoughts and those feelings. But to say, 0:21:22.960 --> 0:21:24.760 you know, I can see now, you know, why you 0:21:24.760 --> 0:21:26.520 would feel that way. And I can see why it's 0:21:26.520 --> 0:21:29.959 hard for you to get over that, honey. So I'm just, 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:32.160 I hope you'll pray for me that God will help 0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:34.920 me because I, I do not want to fall back 0:21:34.920 --> 0:21:37.520 into the kind of behavior that that brought on all 0:21:37.520 --> 0:21:38.879 this pain and all this struggle. 0:21:39.200 --> 0:21:41.200 I think there's a clue in some of the things 0:21:41.200 --> 0:21:44.280 that she said, that the words that he's used have 0:21:44.280 --> 0:21:47.920 hurt her. And maybe words of affirmation, you know, maybe 0:21:47.920 --> 0:21:50.399 that's her love language and why this is such a 0:21:50.400 --> 0:21:54.120 deep wound for her. So we'll leave it right there. 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:57.160 Thank you for being open and honest with us. Our 0:21:57.160 --> 0:22:00.880 first couple of calls, three calls now open and honest. 0:22:00.880 --> 0:22:04.440 Let's go to our next caller who heard our program 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:07.400 last month, and a call from a wife who was 0:22:07.400 --> 0:22:10.040 upset that her husband wouldn't let her know where he's 0:22:10.040 --> 0:22:13.480 put some of their money. This caller has a suggestion 0:22:13.480 --> 0:22:15.080 of what could have happened. 0:22:16.440 --> 0:22:18.879 Hi, Gary. I just wanted to respond to the lady 0:22:18.880 --> 0:22:21.960 who had called earlier. The first thing that popped in 0:22:22.000 --> 0:22:27.080 my head, and because I have witnessed this myself, is dementia. 0:22:27.520 --> 0:22:32.479 He started getting very, very forgetful misplacing things. And it 0:22:32.480 --> 0:22:35.520 may be truly that he does not know what he 0:22:35.520 --> 0:22:38.890 did with the money. You know, her getting counseling is 0:22:38.890 --> 0:22:42.730 very wise counsel. But I think that that she may 0:22:42.730 --> 0:22:46.730 need to explore that possibility also. And I thank you 0:22:46.730 --> 0:22:48.930 for listening to my comment. Bye bye. 0:22:49.410 --> 0:22:53.170 Well, Chris, that's interesting because when you've been through something 0:22:53.170 --> 0:22:56.170 like that, you know, you've had a spouse who has 0:22:56.170 --> 0:23:00.810 dementia and can't remember a lot of things. Uh, it 0:23:00.810 --> 0:23:03.570 would be kind of logical to think, oh, well, maybe, 0:23:03.570 --> 0:23:06.689 maybe her husband's having the same problem that my husband had, 0:23:06.690 --> 0:23:11.050 you know? And that's certainly a possibility. And so if 0:23:11.130 --> 0:23:14.570 the lady who called in earlier is listening to us, 0:23:14.970 --> 0:23:18.290 it's worth giving some thought to that. Perhaps there is 0:23:18.290 --> 0:23:21.570 something to that. I gathered from the question that was 0:23:21.570 --> 0:23:25.050 asked that that he he was just refusing. He didn't 0:23:25.050 --> 0:23:28.490 have any mental problems, but he was just refusing to 0:23:28.930 --> 0:23:31.970 tell her what he had done because he probably thought 0:23:31.970 --> 0:23:35.450 she would be very much opposed to it. And, you know, 0:23:35.490 --> 0:23:38.330 they'd be into an argument. And so he, he just, 0:23:38.570 --> 0:23:41.490 you know, was deciding not to tell her. But that's not, 0:23:41.530 --> 0:23:46.090 of course, in my opinion wise, because husbands and wives 0:23:46.090 --> 0:23:49.330 are one. And when it comes to money, it is 0:23:49.330 --> 0:23:53.570 our money, not your money and my money. And it 0:23:53.570 --> 0:23:57.490 doesn't matter who is making the money, it's our money 0:23:57.490 --> 0:24:00.689 because we are one and we need to be open 0:24:00.690 --> 0:24:04.850 and honest with each other about what we're doing with money. 0:24:04.850 --> 0:24:06.890 That's true on both sides. Husband and wife. 0:24:07.210 --> 0:24:11.330 I can't believe you remember these questions from month to month, 0:24:11.330 --> 0:24:13.690 but you hit the nail on the head and I 0:24:13.730 --> 0:24:15.690 in in my mind, as we were listening to that 0:24:15.690 --> 0:24:18.330 question last month, I thought, well, I wonder if this 0:24:18.330 --> 0:24:21.770 could be something that's going on with him. And he's ashamed, 0:24:21.810 --> 0:24:23.890 you know, that he can't remember this or that kind 0:24:23.890 --> 0:24:26.570 of thing. But it was the way that she framed 0:24:26.570 --> 0:24:30.210 the question, the caller last month that led me to 0:24:30.250 --> 0:24:33.170 agree with you and what you've just said, but that 0:24:33.170 --> 0:24:35.980 might help somebody else who's listening right now, who has 0:24:35.980 --> 0:24:40.500 a spouse who's exhibiting some of these behavior patterns. And 0:24:40.500 --> 0:24:43.940 so put that in the storehouse of knowledge. This is 0:24:43.940 --> 0:24:47.179 the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. Thanks for 0:24:47.180 --> 0:24:50.060 listening and for telling others about the conversations that we 0:24:50.060 --> 0:24:53.260 have here. Find out more ways to strengthen your relationships 0:24:53.260 --> 0:24:57.980 at building relationships.us. Our featured resource today is the book 0:24:57.980 --> 0:25:01.460 by Stu Epperson. The foreword is by Doctor Chapman. It's 0:25:01.460 --> 0:25:06.620 titled Thanks Living Embracing the Power of Gratitude every day. 0:25:06.900 --> 0:25:10.340 Just go to building relationships.us, or you can find us 0:25:10.340 --> 0:25:14.020 at five Love languages.com. And if you'd like to be 0:25:14.020 --> 0:25:17.420 on a future Dear Gary broadcast, ask your question or 0:25:17.420 --> 0:25:28.820 leave a comment at this number 866424. Gary 1-866-424-4279. Here's 0:25:28.820 --> 0:25:31.860 a question I don't think we've ever received Gary. And 0:25:31.859 --> 0:25:34.740 it has to do with our callers disability. 0:25:35.980 --> 0:25:42.020 Hi Gary, I am a mother, a grandmother of 68 0:25:42.500 --> 0:25:47.660 and I became blind in 2017. My question is, how 0:25:47.660 --> 0:25:55.020 does all myself deal with adult children and grandchildren? Uh, 0:25:55.020 --> 0:26:00.540 regarding because I'm pretty much independent too, but at times 0:26:00.540 --> 0:26:03.260 I go into an environment that I may not know 0:26:03.260 --> 0:26:08.740 that environment. So I'm really I go by faith, not 0:26:08.740 --> 0:26:11.300 by sight. So it's kind of hard to deal with 0:26:11.300 --> 0:26:14.180 that kind of circumstances. God bless you. 0:26:14.940 --> 0:26:17.740 Well, Chris, I think for those of us who are 0:26:17.740 --> 0:26:25.020 not blind, it's hard even to imagine the world when 0:26:25.020 --> 0:26:28.460 you cannot see. And I have you know, I have 0:26:28.460 --> 0:26:33.909 a couple of friends who, who are blind. Uh, and again, 0:26:33.910 --> 0:26:37.310 it's hard to enter that world and even conceive of 0:26:37.310 --> 0:26:41.750 what it's like to live without sight. What is so 0:26:41.790 --> 0:26:45.110 wonderful is that there are many, many blind people who 0:26:45.109 --> 0:26:48.149 have a close relationship with God in this. This caller 0:26:48.150 --> 0:26:51.310 is probably one of them. And they're they're coping, they're 0:26:51.310 --> 0:26:55.350 coping with their own blindness, you know, but apparently there's, 0:26:55.390 --> 0:26:58.710 there's some, uh, I don't know what the dynamics are 0:26:58.710 --> 0:27:01.550 between her and her adult children. Did you pick up 0:27:01.550 --> 0:27:02.230 on that? 0:27:03.030 --> 0:27:06.670 It sounds like she really wants to move toward them, 0:27:06.670 --> 0:27:10.590 but there's some fear there's a little anxiety about, I 0:27:10.590 --> 0:27:13.030 don't know, the makeup of their house. Like she knows 0:27:13.030 --> 0:27:18.030 her own. And so maybe, you know, she's asking, what 0:27:18.070 --> 0:27:21.590 request can I make of them for when I go 0:27:21.590 --> 0:27:23.190 into that situation? 0:27:23.670 --> 0:27:27.909 Yeah. And that would be a matter of being open 0:27:27.910 --> 0:27:31.270 and honest about where she is, you know, and especially 0:27:31.270 --> 0:27:34.750 since she's only been blind since 2017. I don't mean only. 0:27:34.750 --> 0:27:37.550 But she hasn't been blind from birth. You know, she 0:27:37.550 --> 0:27:40.510 had sight and her life was one way. And now 0:27:40.510 --> 0:27:44.590 she's lost sight. And her life is very different. So 0:27:44.630 --> 0:27:47.670 I think to be honest with her children would be 0:27:47.670 --> 0:27:49.869 one thing to say, you know, I would love to 0:27:49.990 --> 0:27:51.950 if they say, would you come for dinner? I would 0:27:51.950 --> 0:27:55.830 love to. But, you know, somebody will have to, you know, 0:27:55.869 --> 0:27:58.149 and she explained what somebody will have to do for 0:27:58.150 --> 0:28:02.070 her to make that happen. And when I get there, 0:28:02.270 --> 0:28:04.750 you'll have to lead me to the table or you'll 0:28:04.750 --> 0:28:07.390 have to do this or have to do that because 0:28:07.390 --> 0:28:10.190 they're adjusting to it. Also, you know, if they had 0:28:10.190 --> 0:28:12.750 a life with her when she could see and now 0:28:12.750 --> 0:28:16.149 they have a life with her as blind. So it's 0:28:16.150 --> 0:28:19.030 an adjustment for them as well. But again, this is 0:28:19.030 --> 0:28:23.830 where communication becomes so important in which we're sharing with 0:28:23.830 --> 0:28:30.080 each other our thoughts and our feelings, our struggles, our joys. 0:28:30.119 --> 0:28:33.520 You know, go back to that Thanksgiving thing, thanking God. 0:28:33.560 --> 0:28:35.800 You know, I can still walk, Lord, I can't see, 0:28:35.800 --> 0:28:38.480 but I can walk, you know, and I can think 0:28:38.520 --> 0:28:42.040 and there's so many things to give thanks for not 0:28:42.040 --> 0:28:45.280 thanking God that you're blind, but thanking God that there 0:28:45.280 --> 0:28:47.880 are a lot of other things in your life for 0:28:47.880 --> 0:28:52.000 which you can give thanks. And so asking him to 0:28:52.040 --> 0:28:57.120 use your present situation and use you in the present situation. 0:28:57.120 --> 0:29:00.760 Because as Christians, God wants us to be having a 0:29:00.760 --> 0:29:04.720 positive impact on the world. And so our attitude and 0:29:04.720 --> 0:29:07.440 what we do with our time and our abilities or 0:29:07.440 --> 0:29:11.160 our disabilities, uh, you know, God can help us and 0:29:11.160 --> 0:29:15.440 show us how even where we are, he wants to 0:29:15.480 --> 0:29:20.680 use us. And of course, you are a mother or 0:29:20.680 --> 0:29:25.160 a grandmother. And depending on if you have grandchildren, well, 0:29:25.160 --> 0:29:27.920 you are if you're a grandmother, you have grandchildren. Okay. Okay. 0:29:28.810 --> 0:29:33.450 And if they're young, they may have difficulty understanding. You 0:29:33.450 --> 0:29:36.770 know you can't see grandmother. Don't you see the blue? 0:29:36.810 --> 0:29:39.850 Don't you see the yellow? I mean, that would be 0:29:40.330 --> 0:29:43.850 interesting conversations with young with young children, you know. Older 0:29:43.850 --> 0:29:47.450 children have been exposed to the reality of blindness. And 0:29:47.450 --> 0:29:50.209 they're they're a little more, you know, of course, accepting 0:29:50.210 --> 0:29:52.930 of it, even though they don't always know kind of 0:29:52.970 --> 0:29:56.330 how to how to navigate. Do I talk about grandmother's 0:29:56.330 --> 0:29:59.170 blindness or do I not talk about it? But I 0:29:59.170 --> 0:30:02.050 think being open and honest, you know, where you are, 0:30:02.210 --> 0:30:05.250 helps them to be open and honest in their responses 0:30:05.250 --> 0:30:05.810 to you. 0:30:06.330 --> 0:30:10.410 I like what you said about the colors because I think, 0:30:10.450 --> 0:30:13.530 you know, inviting her for Thanksgiving dinner, for example, and 0:30:13.530 --> 0:30:16.970 she sits down at the table. Okay, now everything's okay. Well, no, 0:30:16.970 --> 0:30:20.010 it's not okay. Because now how does she know where 0:30:20.010 --> 0:30:22.210 the food is going to be on her plate? Does 0:30:22.210 --> 0:30:24.890 she get it or does somebody put it there? And 0:30:24.890 --> 0:30:28.370 how does she know where the broccoli salad is, you know, 0:30:28.410 --> 0:30:32.410 all those kinds of things. So being able her vulnerability 0:30:32.410 --> 0:30:37.610 then enables others to come alongside her and to help her. 0:30:37.810 --> 0:30:40.130 And that may be part of the struggle as well. 0:30:40.130 --> 0:30:43.330 I'm not saying this for her, but, uh, you don't 0:30:43.330 --> 0:30:46.090 want to be vulnerable. You don't want to need help. 0:30:46.090 --> 0:30:48.810 You want to do this on your own. And in 0:30:48.810 --> 0:30:53.690 her situation, she can't. So, uh, that's really, I'm very 0:30:53.690 --> 0:30:57.850 grateful for that, uh, that call and that struggle. I 0:30:57.850 --> 0:31:00.810 have another one. And this came into the Bold Steps 0:31:00.810 --> 0:31:03.050 team at Moody Radio. But I want to get your 0:31:03.050 --> 0:31:06.490 take on this, Gary. A mom says my daughter is 0:31:06.490 --> 0:31:08.930 an only child. I raised her on my own from 0:31:08.930 --> 0:31:13.130 the time she was 12. She has now estranged me. 0:31:13.530 --> 0:31:17.650 It was a year in June. She's 27. She's married. 0:31:17.690 --> 0:31:21.850 I walked her down the aisle. She is my life. 0:31:22.170 --> 0:31:25.250 I have reached out with no response from her or 0:31:25.250 --> 0:31:28.900 her husband as to why. He has only said that 0:31:28.900 --> 0:31:31.900 she will reach out when she is ready. We were 0:31:31.900 --> 0:31:35.780 best friends when she got married. She started to change. 0:31:35.940 --> 0:31:38.340 I'm not a perfect mom by any means, but I 0:31:38.340 --> 0:31:41.540 worked two jobs to provide for her. We had disagreements 0:31:41.540 --> 0:31:44.420 and didn't always see eye to eye. Just like any family, 0:31:44.660 --> 0:31:47.820 I've always tried to lead by good example. Never did drugs, 0:31:47.820 --> 0:31:51.060 never smoked, drank once in a while, but nothing crazy. 0:31:51.420 --> 0:31:55.300 I know my relationships with men weren't always the best, 0:31:55.580 --> 0:31:58.620 but I would always tell her I want more for her. 0:31:59.020 --> 0:32:02.300 I haven't always will continue to be here for her. 0:32:02.460 --> 0:32:04.700 I don't know what to do. What does God say 0:32:04.700 --> 0:32:10.060 about estrangement? Will I hear from her again? I need peace, direction, 0:32:10.220 --> 0:32:14.460 and to feel loved and to know everything will be okay. 0:32:15.020 --> 0:32:15.740 What do you say? 0:32:16.660 --> 0:32:20.900 Well, first of all, I feel for this mother. Because 0:32:21.580 --> 0:32:26.340 any time we have children, adult children who cut us off, 0:32:26.380 --> 0:32:30.140 as it were, from their world, and refused to talk 0:32:30.140 --> 0:32:35.820 with us or to see us. It is extremely painful because, 0:32:35.860 --> 0:32:39.460 as she says, she invested so much of her own 0:32:39.460 --> 0:32:42.820 life in the life of this daughter and working and 0:32:42.820 --> 0:32:47.740 providing for her and all of that. And so you 0:32:47.780 --> 0:32:53.540 have to feel her pain. You know, the answer, of course, 0:32:53.540 --> 0:32:57.260 is different for different individuals. I have no idea. And 0:32:57.260 --> 0:33:00.020 apparently she has no idea as to why her daughter 0:33:00.020 --> 0:33:05.340 has cut her off. She does mention the caller mentions 0:33:05.340 --> 0:33:10.180 that in her own life she has not been an example. 0:33:10.180 --> 0:33:12.140 She didn't use that word, but I think that's what 0:33:12.140 --> 0:33:15.660 she was saying and how she has related to men. 0:33:15.900 --> 0:33:18.380 And I don't know exactly. You know what that means, 0:33:18.900 --> 0:33:22.860 but that may be a part of the of her 0:33:22.900 --> 0:33:26.550 daughter's response, I don't know that maybe she's seen her 0:33:26.550 --> 0:33:29.510 mother do what she felt was wrong, or maybe knew 0:33:29.550 --> 0:33:34.430 was wrong, and she doesn't want to be influenced by 0:33:34.430 --> 0:33:36.990 that and that her way, one of her ways is 0:33:36.990 --> 0:33:40.830 cutting her off and just not being around her. Uh, 0:33:40.910 --> 0:33:43.190 because she's married now and she wants to have a 0:33:43.190 --> 0:33:46.710 good marriage. And so I don't know what's going on 0:33:46.710 --> 0:33:50.150 in the mind of her adult daughter as to why 0:33:50.150 --> 0:33:55.590 she would make this step. But I do think as parents, 0:33:55.590 --> 0:33:59.790 we have to give our adult children freedom. You do 0:33:59.790 --> 0:34:04.310 remember that the prodigal son also left home and cut 0:34:04.310 --> 0:34:08.870 his father off after his father gave him his inheritance. 0:34:09.590 --> 0:34:12.790 Before he before he died, he gave him his inheritance 0:34:12.950 --> 0:34:16.390 and he wasted it in riotous living that his father 0:34:16.390 --> 0:34:18.069 did not go out and try to find him and 0:34:18.070 --> 0:34:21.029 bring him back. He prayed for him. I think the 0:34:21.030 --> 0:34:23.030 Bible doesn't say that, but I think he prayed for 0:34:23.030 --> 0:34:26.589 him and he kept the farm going so that when 0:34:26.630 --> 0:34:30.549 God brought His Son to the end of the road 0:34:30.590 --> 0:34:32.989 in a hog pen, when he was feeding hogs and 0:34:32.989 --> 0:34:35.029 eating some of the meat, some of the things he 0:34:35.030 --> 0:34:38.910 fed the hogs, he, that adult son came to the 0:34:38.910 --> 0:34:42.069 place where he said, I need to go home and 0:34:42.070 --> 0:34:44.790 I need to talk to my father, and I need 0:34:44.790 --> 0:34:46.990 to tell him that I'm unworthy to be his son, 0:34:47.510 --> 0:34:48.950 but I need to see if he'll give me a 0:34:48.950 --> 0:34:52.110 job on the farm, you know? So we have to 0:34:52.630 --> 0:34:55.149 pray that God will work in the heart of our 0:34:55.150 --> 0:34:58.390 adult children and bring them to the place that they 0:34:58.390 --> 0:35:02.589 will desire to have contact with us. And I don't 0:35:02.630 --> 0:35:05.430 know how long that son was gone, but I do 0:35:05.469 --> 0:35:08.589 know in today's world, I have dealt with people where 0:35:08.590 --> 0:35:12.029 their daughter and sometimes their son also has cut them 0:35:12.030 --> 0:35:17.469 off for several years. And that's very, very painful. And 0:35:17.469 --> 0:35:19.709 every time they would send a message to them, a 0:35:19.710 --> 0:35:23.160 text or a letter or there's never any response from them. 0:35:23.600 --> 0:35:26.000 And so we have to give them the freedom. You know, 0:35:26.040 --> 0:35:29.800 it's their choice. It's very painful for us. But listen, 0:35:29.800 --> 0:35:33.960 God is still with you and he wants to help 0:35:33.960 --> 0:35:37.800 you make the most of your life where you are now. 0:35:38.480 --> 0:35:41.759 And maybe you don't have an influence at this point 0:35:41.760 --> 0:35:44.480 on your daughter, but you can have a positive influence 0:35:44.480 --> 0:35:47.960 on other people. And so you ask God, what do 0:35:47.960 --> 0:35:50.480 you want to do with my life at this point, 0:35:50.480 --> 0:35:53.560 rather than just living in despair? You know, for months 0:35:53.560 --> 0:35:57.560 and months, look for what God would have you do 0:35:57.560 --> 0:36:01.160 with your life at this point, and continue praying for 0:36:01.200 --> 0:36:03.880 your daughter, your daughter that God will work in her heart. 0:36:04.560 --> 0:36:07.279 I think of our featured resource today, the book by 0:36:07.280 --> 0:36:11.919 Stu Epperson. Thanks living for her. You know, she can't 0:36:11.920 --> 0:36:15.600 be thankful that her daughter is estranged now, but she 0:36:15.600 --> 0:36:18.280 can be thankful for exactly what you were talking about. God, 0:36:18.280 --> 0:36:22.320 thank you for being close to me, you are near 0:36:22.320 --> 0:36:25.439 to the brokenhearted. So there is a way that you 0:36:25.440 --> 0:36:31.360 change that. Intentionally change that attitude of your own heart. Yes, 0:36:31.360 --> 0:36:35.040 you can lament this broken relationship, but you can also 0:36:35.040 --> 0:36:39.120 be thankful for God who stays closer than a brother. 0:36:39.160 --> 0:36:42.160 You know, is that that ever close friend, that book 0:36:42.160 --> 0:36:45.399 is titled Thanks Living by Stu Epperson. You can find 0:36:45.400 --> 0:36:50.200 out more about it at Building relationships.us. Gary, here's another 0:36:50.200 --> 0:36:53.360 response call that I think is going to encourage someone 0:36:53.360 --> 0:36:57.279 listening who might be dealing with depression in their family. 0:36:58.080 --> 0:37:02.040 Hi, Gary, I'm calling about a, um, it was a 0:37:02.040 --> 0:37:04.240 dear Gary back in April, and it was a man 0:37:04.239 --> 0:37:09.000 calling about his wife who suffered from depression, uh, years ago. Um, 0:37:09.000 --> 0:37:12.239 I suffered from depression when my children were very small. Um, 0:37:12.239 --> 0:37:15.160 I had always suffered from depression even before my kids. 0:37:15.160 --> 0:37:19.360 And my husband was working hand in hand with God 0:37:19.360 --> 0:37:22.569 in helping me get through it. He. He would let 0:37:22.570 --> 0:37:25.690 me just go and be in it. He wouldn't try 0:37:25.690 --> 0:37:28.810 to fight against it. And so he taught me how 0:37:28.810 --> 0:37:32.049 to pray through it. When I would be in my room, 0:37:32.090 --> 0:37:34.770 not able to get out of bed, not able to 0:37:34.810 --> 0:37:39.930 do anything, um, he would teach me to just say, Lord, 0:37:40.890 --> 0:37:44.729 I might be in this room by myself. Um, and 0:37:44.730 --> 0:37:46.890 the enemy might be trying to use this against me, 0:37:47.410 --> 0:37:50.690 but Jesus is here with me and he is between 0:37:50.690 --> 0:37:55.290 me and Satan. And that got me through. And that 0:37:55.290 --> 0:37:58.850 taught me, um, the love of Christ. And a couple 0:37:58.890 --> 0:38:02.290 of years later, I came to know Christ and give 0:38:02.290 --> 0:38:06.489 my life to him. And our marriage is a gift 0:38:06.489 --> 0:38:10.330 from God. Our life now is a gift from God. 0:38:10.730 --> 0:38:13.729 We are a very happy family. I haven't suffered from 0:38:13.730 --> 0:38:17.730 depression in many, many years. Our children have grown up 0:38:17.730 --> 0:38:23.060 without knowing a mom in their older years of knowing 0:38:23.100 --> 0:38:27.300 a mom, not suffering, but knowing a mom that is 0:38:27.620 --> 0:38:32.700 light and salt to the world because of the love 0:38:32.700 --> 0:38:35.900 of my husband during those hard times. And he was 0:38:35.900 --> 0:38:41.340 Jesus to me. So I encourage that husband to be 0:38:41.340 --> 0:38:45.100 that to his wife and she will make it through. 0:38:45.460 --> 0:38:46.620 Thank you. Bye bye. 0:38:47.820 --> 0:38:52.380 Oh, Chris, I'm so grateful that she called because that 0:38:52.380 --> 0:38:55.460 person and any other person that's listening, that has a 0:38:55.460 --> 0:38:59.700 spouse that has depression needs to hear what this lady 0:38:59.700 --> 0:39:04.500 just shared. You know, in marriage, whatever one of us 0:39:04.500 --> 0:39:09.540 is going through, individual is going through spouse. We're there 0:39:09.540 --> 0:39:12.940 with them. And our question if we're spouse to someone 0:39:12.940 --> 0:39:16.460 who is depressed is, Lord, how can I best serve 0:39:16.460 --> 0:39:19.899 them at this point? And yes, we're praying that God 0:39:19.900 --> 0:39:21.980 will bring them through it, but we want to know 0:39:21.980 --> 0:39:24.219 how can I best serve them? And one of the 0:39:24.219 --> 0:39:26.980 things I heard her saying was he gave her the 0:39:26.980 --> 0:39:31.180 freedom when she was just. She couldn't talk to anybody 0:39:31.180 --> 0:39:35.299 just to be alone. But he also really encouraged her 0:39:35.300 --> 0:39:39.180 to talk to God because God is always there, and 0:39:39.180 --> 0:39:42.299 God wants to walk with us through that. Everything. I mean, 0:39:42.300 --> 0:39:45.379 the scriptures are so clear on that. He won't. He 0:39:45.380 --> 0:39:49.580 is with us and we want to acknowledge him. And yes, 0:39:49.580 --> 0:39:53.260 we want to pray that he will bring us through 0:39:53.260 --> 0:39:55.940 this and bring us out on the other side. But 0:39:55.940 --> 0:39:58.899 we want to enjoy his presence with us as we're 0:39:58.900 --> 0:40:03.820 suffering going through that depression. So being understanding and being 0:40:03.820 --> 0:40:08.060 there to encourage them to, to, to not acknowledge God. 0:40:08.180 --> 0:40:10.100 And of course, she said later she came to give 0:40:10.100 --> 0:40:12.340 her life to Christ. So apparently she wasn't a Christian 0:40:12.340 --> 0:40:15.939 even before that. But when a, when a spouse is 0:40:16.030 --> 0:40:20.710 Understanding rather than condemning, because it's easy for a spouse 0:40:20.710 --> 0:40:22.710 to say to a depressed spouse, well, you need to 0:40:22.710 --> 0:40:24.910 snap out of this. I mean, it's not all that bad, 0:40:24.950 --> 0:40:27.469 you know? What's your concern about it's not all that bad. 0:40:27.510 --> 0:40:29.509 You need to snap out of it now. I'm getting 0:40:29.550 --> 0:40:33.989 tired of this. Well, you make it worse, you know. 0:40:34.030 --> 0:40:37.350 Now they've got something else to be, you know, depressed about. 0:40:37.790 --> 0:40:40.750 So we're there to be loving them in the midst 0:40:40.750 --> 0:40:44.550 of their depression. That's what God does. And we're God's 0:40:44.550 --> 0:40:49.310 human instruments. If we're married to suffer with our spouse 0:40:49.310 --> 0:40:52.109 and to walk with them through the pain and the 0:40:52.110 --> 0:40:55.670 hurt that's there, and not condemn them and not preach 0:40:55.670 --> 0:40:57.430 to them. If you need to do this and you 0:40:57.430 --> 0:41:01.710 need to do that. So, uh, this, this caller is 0:41:01.710 --> 0:41:05.669 an encouragement to anyone who has a spouse that's going 0:41:05.670 --> 0:41:06.630 through depression. 0:41:07.430 --> 0:41:11.790 You said earlier that money, finances. It's our money. It's 0:41:11.790 --> 0:41:14.790 not your money. My money. And it's the same here. 0:41:15.110 --> 0:41:18.629 The problems are not your problem. You need to be fixed. 0:41:18.670 --> 0:41:21.950 It's our problems. And that husband that she's talking about 0:41:22.230 --> 0:41:26.190 just walked beside her, didn't try to fix her overnight 0:41:26.190 --> 0:41:28.910 or didn't get frustrated. You know, I'm getting tired of this. 0:41:28.910 --> 0:41:33.390 Like you said, just walk with her, encouraged her and 0:41:33.390 --> 0:41:36.750 pointed her in a good direction. And it sounds like 0:41:36.750 --> 0:41:39.510 he didn't say, you know, if you don't get over 0:41:39.510 --> 0:41:43.350 this by next week, you know, uh, and none of 0:41:43.390 --> 0:41:45.910 that and look at what has happened in her life. 0:41:45.910 --> 0:41:50.190 She said her, her children and this is not a prescription. 0:41:50.190 --> 0:41:52.669 You can't say that everybody's life is going to turn 0:41:52.670 --> 0:41:55.469 out this way. I don't think she was saying that, 0:41:55.469 --> 0:41:57.950 but she was saying the thing that brought her through 0:41:57.950 --> 0:42:02.550 this was his care, his compassion, and walking beside her. Right. 0:42:02.830 --> 0:42:06.149 Yeah. Because when we're when we're depressed, Chris, we don't 0:42:06.150 --> 0:42:08.430 need somebody to put us down and tell us we 0:42:08.469 --> 0:42:10.149 got to snap out of it and all that sort 0:42:10.190 --> 0:42:13.270 of thing, that just makes it much worse because it's communicating. 0:42:13.270 --> 0:42:16.200 I don't understand you. And we don't we don't if 0:42:16.239 --> 0:42:19.040 you if you've never had depression and suffered from depression, 0:42:19.040 --> 0:42:22.719 you don't understand it. And we we can't we can't 0:42:22.960 --> 0:42:26.719 understand something fully. We haven't been through. But to say, honey, 0:42:26.719 --> 0:42:29.280 I'm with you. I want you to know I'm with you. 0:42:29.520 --> 0:42:32.080 I'm going to stand with you. And if you think 0:42:32.080 --> 0:42:34.280 of anything I can do that would help you. I'm 0:42:34.280 --> 0:42:37.480 open to doing it. But in the meantime, I want 0:42:37.480 --> 0:42:39.480 you to. If you if you feel depressed and you 0:42:39.480 --> 0:42:42.000 just need to stay in bed, then you stay in bed. 0:42:42.160 --> 0:42:45.040 But remember, God is with you in bed. And you 0:42:45.040 --> 0:42:48.080 can talk to God in in bed because he just 0:42:48.080 --> 0:42:49.960 wants to walk with you. He's going to be with 0:42:49.960 --> 0:42:52.920 you and I'm going to be with you. And we, 0:42:53.120 --> 0:42:55.239 and we, we're going to come through this. We're going 0:42:55.280 --> 0:42:57.560 to come through this, not you're going to come through this. 0:42:57.600 --> 0:42:58.880 We're going to come through this. 0:42:58.920 --> 0:43:01.800 Yes. And that's what she said. That's how she ended. 0:43:01.800 --> 0:43:04.560 She ended with that note of hope. It's like she's 0:43:04.560 --> 0:43:06.359 going to get through this. And she was saying that 0:43:06.360 --> 0:43:10.000 because that that was her experience. Uh, I don't we 0:43:10.040 --> 0:43:12.960 don't have time to be fair to another caller. So 0:43:12.960 --> 0:43:15.399 can we just stop here? Would you pray for the 0:43:15.520 --> 0:43:19.440 the couples going through some kind of a marital struggle 0:43:19.440 --> 0:43:22.600 like we've heard in this hour, and maybe it's depression. 0:43:22.640 --> 0:43:24.840 We just pray for those couples listening today. 0:43:25.520 --> 0:43:31.400 Surely, father, you know who's listening to this program today. 0:43:32.239 --> 0:43:34.960 And you know those who are struggling in their marriage 0:43:35.280 --> 0:43:39.120 and what they're struggling with. And we know that we're 0:43:39.120 --> 0:43:42.840 all imperfect and we all live in a sinful world, 0:43:42.840 --> 0:43:46.719 in a fallen world. And I pray that wherever they 0:43:46.719 --> 0:43:50.160 are in the journey, they will recognize, first of all, 0:43:51.000 --> 0:43:54.680 that you are the source of all help. And that 0:43:54.680 --> 0:43:57.200 doesn't mean, father, we know that you heal all of 0:43:57.200 --> 0:44:00.160 us on every moment just because we ask to be healed. 0:44:00.160 --> 0:44:03.360 We know, but we know, father, that as we walk 0:44:03.360 --> 0:44:07.080 through whatever, whether it's a physical or an emotional or mental, 0:44:08.120 --> 0:44:10.719 whatever the struggle that you want to walk with us 0:44:10.719 --> 0:44:13.609 through that and that you're going to walk with us 0:44:13.610 --> 0:44:17.290 through that and that our relationship with you is so important. 0:44:17.730 --> 0:44:20.370 And I pray, father, for every husband and every wife 0:44:20.370 --> 0:44:23.850 who may be living with a spouse, who is going 0:44:23.850 --> 0:44:27.410 through some difficulty in these areas, that you would help 0:44:27.410 --> 0:44:32.090 them to be your representative and to stand there with 0:44:32.090 --> 0:44:36.489 them without condemnation, but with a heart of love, with 0:44:36.489 --> 0:44:39.850 an openness to do whatever they can, and to let 0:44:39.850 --> 0:44:42.970 them know that you are with them and that God 0:44:42.969 --> 0:44:45.529 is with them, and that we are going to come 0:44:45.530 --> 0:44:51.969 through this. Father, give them that heart, that attitude. I 0:44:51.969 --> 0:44:55.569 pray this for your glory and for their good. In 0:44:55.570 --> 0:44:57.370 the name of Christ, Amen. 0:44:57.410 --> 0:45:01.850 Amen. Well, thank you for these calls here this hour. 0:45:02.250 --> 0:45:07.250 Your vulnerability is kind of the secret sauce because you're 0:45:07.250 --> 0:45:09.810 helping other people with your struggles. So if you want 0:45:09.850 --> 0:45:12.890 to ask a question of Doctor Chapman, write the number down. 0:45:12.890 --> 0:45:23.210 Give us a call 1866424. Gary (866) 424-4279. And when you 0:45:23.210 --> 0:45:27.890 go to building relationships.us you'll see our featured resource, the 0:45:27.890 --> 0:45:30.930 book we've been talking about this hour by Stu Epperson. Thanks. 0:45:30.969 --> 0:45:35.450 Living embracing the power of gratitude every day. Again, go 0:45:35.450 --> 0:45:37.770 to building relationships.us. 0:45:38.370 --> 0:45:43.450 And next week. How can newlyweds love their first year 0:45:43.450 --> 0:45:44.330 of marriage? 0:45:44.850 --> 0:45:48.690 Mike Novotny provides some great guidance on that in one week. 0:45:48.730 --> 0:45:51.010 A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick 0:45:51.010 --> 0:45:54.810 and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is 0:45:54.810 --> 0:45:57.969 a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with 0:45:58.010 --> 0:46:02.810 Moody Publishers, a Ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.