S1: The online dating thing is always the time. A lot
S1: of us.
S2: Have problems loving ourselves.
S1: How does a parent set boundaries with a toxic adult child?
S1: I'm in a marriage that I absolutely no hope whatsoever.
S3: Welcome to Building relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of
S3: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today,
S3: our Post-thanksgiving, Dear Gary, broadcast your questions, feedback and marriage issues,
S3: as well as issues singles are facing hits all straight
S3: ahead on Moody Radio.
S4: Here's our number if you want to ask a question
S4: on a future broadcast. 1866424 Gary, we would love to
S4: hear your voice on the program in the future. Won't
S4: be taking questions live today, but you may get an
S4: answer on an upcoming Dear Gary conversation again. 866424 Gary. Gary,
S4: we've had conversations in the past about this, but something
S4: happens inside when you get to a place of giving
S4: thanks and it's not denying reality. You know bad things
S4: might be happening. But when you choose to be thankful
S4: in the middle of some tough circumstances, tell me what
S4: you think about that. What happens?
S5: Well, you know, Chris, the passage says in everything give thanks.
S5: It doesn't say for everything, right? You know, we don't
S5: thank God for evil that people do to us or
S5: to other people. But in the midst of every situation,
S5: no matter how difficult it is, there is something for
S5: which we can give thanks. And so I think if
S5: we have that concept and we move, then in our
S5: mind toward assessing the situation and realizing, yes, this is painful,
S5: it's hard, it's unfair or whatever else we feel, and
S5: there's usually a whole handful of things you can thank
S5: God for in the midst of a very difficult time.
S6: Yes, exactly.
S4: Well, our featured resource today is a story that you
S4: and I wrote together, Gary, several years ago, a novella
S4: titled a marriage Carol. We featured it here before you
S4: can see a link at Building Relationships us. I love
S4: the cover. It's just this most festive read cover, but
S4: the story's about a couple who basically they've given up
S4: on their marriage. They're waiting until after Christmas to tell
S4: the kids about their decision, and it just brings up.
S4: This can be all the festive Thanksgiving and Christmas and
S4: New Year's, all the festive times we have. This can
S4: be a really hard time for marriages. Can it?
S5: Well, it can. Chris and I really like this, this book,
S5: because I think it speaks to couples who are struggling and,
S5: you know, they're trying to do the best thing not
S5: bringing up at Christmas and hurt the kids and all that.
S5: But it's also a story of redemption, you know, and
S5: what God can do in a marriage. And it reminded
S5: me this book is parallels, another book that I wrote
S5: called One More Try What to Do When Your Marriage
S5: Is Falling Apart. But this story that are shared in
S5: this book, I think couples who are even having a
S5: good marriage, we're going to find this story to be very,
S5: very exciting.
S4: Well, if you go to building relationships.us, you can see
S4: it right there, a marriage. Carol, it's Gary, Chris and
S4: Charles Dickens again, building relationships about us. All right, let's
S4: go to the phones. I believe this is our very
S4: first call from Spain that we've ever taken on the program.
S4: Listen to this.
S7: Hi, Gary. I'm a Catholic priest, and I would like
S7: to know if you have discovered five ways of five
S7: ways of saying thanks. Thank you so much.
S5: Yeah, that's an interesting question, Chris. I have to say,
S5: I haven't thought along those lines of five languages of
S5: giving thanks, but there is a sense I'm just thinking
S5: out loud now. There is a sense in which the
S5: five love languages are expressions of of thanksgiving. I mean
S5: words you could express Thanksgiving in words you can express
S5: Thanksgiving and gifts. You know, if someone's done something for you,
S5: you want to communicate. I really grateful for what you've done.
S5: And I'm sending you a card or whatever. You know,
S5: quality time, I think, would be certainly be a way
S5: of saying thanks for someone who particularly needs quality time
S5: and acts of service, doing something for someone as an
S5: act of thanksgiving for what you've done for me, I
S5: don't know. I'm just thinking out loud.
S6: And physical touch too, because, you.
S4: Know, so many times I've had a person just put
S4: their hand on my shoulder when I'm struggling and just
S4: that is like, wow. It sends a shiver through you,
S4: almost like a nerve that is touched there because you
S4: feel that support. You feel that presence of that other person.
S5: Yeah, I certainly would agree with that. And especially, you know,
S5: when you can put your hand on their shoulder while
S5: you're verbally thanking them for something, you know. Yeah.
S4: And the first, you know, from Spain and a Catholic
S4: priest who called all the way from Spain to say
S4: that to you. I just love that the five love
S4: languages has gotten that far into people's hearts. So thank
S4: you for your call. 866424. Gary, if you want to
S4: ask a question, Dr. Chapman, like our next caller who
S4: says I'm related to the famous evangelist and he wants
S4: to talk about love.
S8: Hi, Gary, this is Alan Moody, and yes, I am related. Actually,
S8: I'm calling from Massachusetts. And there's one thing I love
S8: your books. I it's my second favorite book of my
S8: entire library. And there's one point that I'd like to
S8: mention that hasn't been touched upon too much is the
S8: idea that a lot of a lot of us have
S8: problems with loving ourselves. And I've learned that the things
S8: that I can do for myself to demonstrate that love.
S8: I've always struggled with loving myself because of the ego aspect,
S8: all of that. But loving myself, I can love as
S8: a verb. I can indeed love myself.
S5: Well, you know, Jesus said, love your neighbor as you
S5: love yourself. So if you don't love yourself, your neighbor
S5: doesn't get much. So so I think this is a
S5: good point. I think we are made in God's image.
S5: And if we're Christians, we are children of God. So
S5: obviously we have been loved by God. And if God,
S5: a holy God, loves us enough to make us his children,
S5: then surely we can love ourselves. And so it's not egotism,
S5: it's not pride. It's just doing positive things that are
S5: going to enrich your own life to the goal that
S5: you can later enrich other people's lives. So there is
S5: a positive part of loving yourself. And so I'm glad
S5: this caller drew it to our attention again today.
S6: Yeah, I.
S4: Think the place, especially in the church, that we run
S4: away from this is because we see evidence of people
S4: going overboard. You know, they make everything about themselves and
S4: make and they have the therapeutic deism that God is
S4: there in order to make me feel better. And so
S4: we kind of skirt that because it's, it's almost we
S4: feel like it's the natural default. You know, of course
S4: you're going to love yourself, but a lot of people don't.
S4: A lot of people just have such bad upbringings. It
S4: could be something in the past that they that they
S4: keep demeaning themselves. They listen to the enemy rather than
S4: listening to what God says about them. Right? Yes.
S5: And another thing they do, Chris, is often because they
S5: don't love themselves and things that have happened to them
S5: in the past, they turn to things like drugs and alcohol,
S5: which makes it worse. They make choices that not are
S5: not loving themselves. They're actually hurting themselves and destroying themselves.
S5: So loving yourself is a positive thing. It means you're
S5: going to do the best to take care of yourself physically, emotionally,
S5: you know, as well as spiritually.
S4: And I think the greatest thing that you can do
S4: to love yourself is to receive the forgiveness and the
S4: grace and the mercy that God has given to you
S4: through his Son. That is the the most loving thing
S4: that he has done for us. And a lot of
S4: people have a hard time with that because they want
S4: to earn God's forgiveness. They want to do enough to
S4: get them to like him. But he's already done that, right?
S5: Yeah, absolutely. Chris. So accepting that is the greatest thing
S5: you can do for yourself, because until you do that
S5: and we come to accept God's love and what he
S5: did for us in Christ, then we want to love others,
S5: but we have to first accept his love for us.
S3: Our program is building relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. And
S3: this is our Dear Gary broadcast for November. If you
S3: have a relationship question, call our number 1866424. Gary, this
S3: is not a counseling line. We can't call you back.
S3: But if you'll keep your question as brief as possible,
S3: we'll try to address the question here on the program.
S3: Call 1866424. Gary.
S4: Our featured resource is the novella a marriage Carol. It's
S4: a story designed to rekindle love between a husband and wife.
S4: We've heard good feedback from readers through the years who've
S4: encountered that story. You can find out more about it at.
S4: Building relationships.us. Now a mom with a question about boundaries.
S4: Here's our next caller.
S9: Hi, Gary. My question is how does a parent set
S9: distant boundaries with a toxic adult child? I'm having a
S9: really hard time trying to set boundaries that are lasting
S9: so that the behavior will change. Our still pray for him,
S9: but sometimes I'm afraid. Thank you.
S5: Well, Chris, she's she calls it a toxic adult child.
S5: We don't know exactly what all the problems are or
S5: what the lifestyle is or anything like that, but this
S5: is a very difficult thing for parents when they have
S5: an adult child who has made and is making very
S5: poor decisions that are destructive to him, and it's sometimes
S5: also destructive to the parents. And she's asking, how do
S5: we set boundaries? And sometimes it's it's physical boundaries, you know,
S5: it's what are we going to do if if they're
S5: coming to our house intoxicated or whatever? And in doing
S5: things that are detrimental, you know, to, to us and
S5: to the house and that sort of thing. And then
S5: sometimes it's emotional barriers whenever you're encounter with that adult
S5: child is detrimental to you and them. And it's happened
S5: time after time, you know, do you set boundaries in
S5: terms of even physically interfacing? Or do you say things like,
S5: could we agree on this, that before you come to
S5: the house, you will call me and let me see
S5: if I'm feeling, you know, if I have time and if, if,
S5: if you are in a position that we could argue
S5: that our encounter could be healthy, what we want to
S5: do desperately as parents, for our adult children who are
S5: not living the lifestyle we wish they would live, we
S5: want them to be redeemed. We want them to come
S5: to know Christ. We want them to have the best
S5: possible life. And we know that has to do with
S5: their spiritual relationship. So, you know, I wrote a book
S5: several years ago called How to Really Love Your Adult Child,
S5: and I wrote it with Dr. Ross Campbell, who was
S5: a Christian psychiatrist, and he's in heaven now. But that book,
S5: I think, you would find helpful, because it will give
S5: you some ideas of how to how do we love?
S5: And sometimes boundaries is a part of that love. But
S5: how do we love an adult child who is not
S5: following a path that we wish they would be following?
S4: And can we just say that this is probably one
S4: of the hardest things that to keep intention to to
S4: live and love fully through? Because we hear this from
S4: parents on this program, and I hear it and others
S4: and books that have been written for for folks that
S4: are struggling. This is really hard, isn't it?
S5: Well, it is hard, Chris, because let's face it, when
S5: we have a child, we love that child and we
S5: raise them through the years when they can't do things
S5: for themselves. We do all these things for them, and
S5: our hope is that they're going to grow up to
S5: be adults that will live responsible lives, that will come
S5: to know Christ, that will invest their life in doing
S5: positive things for God and for others. And when that
S5: doesn't happen, it's a great disappointment. You know, it's very,
S5: very painful because you've invested so much time and energy
S5: and life in raising them, and we want the best
S5: for them. So yeah, it's a very difficult thing.
S4: If you want to ask Dr. Chapman a question, we
S4: can't call you back, but we can play your question
S4: here on the program like we're doing today. 1866424 Gary
S4: would love to hear from you. Just leave your question.
S4: Make it as brief as possible, and we might hear
S4: an answer down the road. 1866424 Gary, our next call
S4: concerns a marriage that sounds like it is on the brink.
S10: Hi Gary, I'm in a marriage that I am so
S10: unhappy with and see absolutely no hope whatsoever. We are
S10: so different. Fear. He goes to church and I believe
S10: just to pacify me, because there's no change whatsoever in
S10: his life and he continues to use vile, filthy language
S10: and every little thing bothers him. So it creates an
S10: atmosphere of continued stress because he's always angry about something.
S10: He's very negative and he overrides everything. Every suggestion. I
S10: wanted to save money and I had a savings before
S10: we got together, and he's gone through everything and he
S10: makes decent money and I don't. And we still don't
S10: have a savings account, and he's had my banking account
S10: down to as little as less than $5 before. I
S10: don't like anything about the relationship. I don't like him.
S10: I don't have a good relationship with him. I'm not
S10: in love with him. And it's basically that he has
S10: some good skills around the house, and that's pretty much
S10: all there is to it. And I really don't know
S10: what to do. I'm tired and I'm like a flower
S10: that's all dried up and hasn't been watered or had
S10: any sunshine. I'm I'm exhausted. Anyway. I don't know what
S10: you would say about all that, but thank you for listening.
S10: Bye bye.
S5: Well, Chris, you know, I'm very empathetic when I hear
S5: stories like that because when you've lived with pain for
S5: years and have seen no hope and no, no positive response,
S5: and the other person you know puts you down and
S5: there's nothing in terms of love coming from them. It
S5: is extremely, extremely difficult. My suggestion would be for her
S5: and anyone in her situation. Talk with a counselor that
S5: your spouse won't go with you. Most likely it's okay
S5: to offer that, but likely they won't go with you
S5: because you've already tried that. But I would say go
S5: for counseling yourself and let the counselor help you work
S5: through your pain and your hurt and all of that,
S5: because you don't want to simply just do something on
S5: your own when there's no one there to support you.
S5: So there's a place for tough love. There's no question
S5: about that. But you need to have someone that's walking
S5: with you who cares about you, who has worked with
S5: people in these situations before and let them walk with you.
S5: Let them help you decide what steps you might take,
S5: you know, even without hope. Because sometimes I've said to
S5: people in my office, I can understand you have no hope,
S5: but I do have hope for you because I've seen
S5: people in those very difficult situations. If they're willing to
S5: make some changes, things can be different. But sharing your
S5: where you are with with a trained counselor and I
S5: would say Christian counselor, I'd say Christian counselor and let
S5: them walk with you and help you as you seek
S5: to decide what steps you can take that might have
S5: potential for the marriage, but if not, then what steps
S5: do you take in tough love and how do you
S5: do that? So I don't walk this road by yourself,
S5: I guess is what I'm saying. Yeah.
S4: And I'm sure that the person who's listening, who's in
S4: her situation, or maybe if she's listening. So how long
S4: do we wait or how. So you're you're you say,
S4: don't listen to somebody on the radio till you give
S4: you permission to do one thing or another or push
S4: you to do something. Have that person with skin on.
S4: Have that counselor or pastor that you can walk through
S4: this with. But I just want to go back to
S4: the pervasive nature of what she's talked about, every part
S4: of that relationship. You know, she said it. I feel
S4: like a dried up flower. No water, no sun. That
S4: was just the perfect metaphor. But it's coming out in her,
S4: in her body. You know, she's feeling stress about this
S4: and that's not good for her health. She also mentioned
S4: in the call that we didn't air, but a part
S4: of the sexual relationship that she's frustrated with as well
S4: with him. So every and the financial and you know,
S4: he doesn't have words of affirmation if you were talking
S4: to him, if you were talking to the husband of
S4: this dried up flower of a wife, what would you
S4: say to the husband?
S5: Well, first I would want to hear his story. Chris,
S5: you know where what? He's where he's coming from. And
S5: then I would want to obviously deal with the issues
S5: that she's describing in the relationship and help him understand
S5: that there will never be a good marriage unless there's
S5: change in his behavior, and try to help him understand
S5: how he got to where he is because he wasn't
S5: born that way, you know? But things have probably happened
S5: in his life that have impacted him. But that's no
S5: excuse for the kind of behavior she's describing here. So
S5: but many times, see, that kind of person will not
S5: go to a counselor. They won't they won't go talk
S5: to anybody because in their mind they don't have a problem.
S5: You're the problem, you know. So and that's why it's
S5: so difficult for the for the other person.
S6: Yeah.
S4: Well again that's the depth of the struggle that you're
S4: listening to that we hear about from different colors and
S4: different life situations. If you want to respond to what
S4: you've just heard or ask your question. 1866424 Gary. We
S4: love to hear from single listeners as well. So give
S4: us a call and here comes our next caller.
S9: Hi Gary.
S11: I am an older single person. I really wish that
S11: on Moody they would speak more to people. Singles. The
S11: predicament that we are in these days trying to meet quality, decent,
S11: significant others. I guess I'm just looking for advice and
S11: tips and maybe you could suggest, you know, effective ways
S11: to do that. The online dating thing is just a
S11: waste of time. It has never worked for me. I'd
S11: be so grateful if you would do a segment on that.
S11: Give us poor, lonely, single people some advice, maybe give
S11: us a little bit more hope. Okay. Thank you very much.
S5: Well, want to thank the caller for for sharing that
S5: because I fully am aware that there are literally thousands
S5: of single adults who are struggling with life and who
S5: would long to have a positive, loving marriage someday. And
S5: as the years go along, it seems to be less
S5: and less likely for them. And so there's real struggle there.
S5: You know, I did write the book The Five Love
S5: Languages for singles, and I would certainly recommend that addition
S5: of the five Love languages, because it will it will
S5: help you in terms of loving yourself and also loving
S5: people that you encounter. But it also will help you
S5: with siblings that you might have are dating partners that
S5: you might have in the future in terms of, you know,
S5: where where does a Christian single where are they most
S5: likely to find another Christian with whom they can have
S5: a dating relationship? The caller indicated that online, the online
S5: dating services was a waste of time. At least it
S5: has been for her. There are, however, singles who have
S5: met online and have married and had good marriages, so
S5: I wouldn't totally rule that out. On the other hand,
S5: I would say two things. Number one, obviously being in
S5: a church that has a large number of singles, so
S5: it would have to be a larger church, but many
S5: of the larger churches have single departments. I mean, there
S5: are classes for singles and and there they have not
S5: only Sunday morning things, but they have weekday things. And
S5: in a church is a good place to have contact
S5: with people of the opposite sex with whom you might,
S5: you know, be attracted to and have a relationship. But
S5: this caller, I'm guessing, would say, I've been in the
S5: church for a long time, and I and I understand that.
S5: But the other thing I would say is this what
S5: about volunteering to work in some organization? It can be
S5: some aspect of the church, it can be something else
S5: in the community. But volunteering to work in a context
S5: that's helping people, because often it's in that kind of
S5: setting that you would meet someone else who is a
S5: volunteer in that group. And people who volunteer typically are
S5: good people because they want to make a difference in
S5: the world. That's why they volunteer in hospitals and, and
S5: food pantries and those kind of things is because they
S5: want to help other people. And so you meet someone
S5: else who's a volunteer in one of those organizations. You
S5: probably have found someone that that can be trusted. So
S5: those are at least a couple of ideas that come
S5: to my mind. I think the church is a good place,
S5: but I think volunteering in Christian or, you know, just
S5: social organizations where you can meet people who are also volunteers.
S4: Gary, what I hear in her voice is she's she's
S4: got this smile in her voice when she's had poor
S4: old single people out here, you know, help us out.
S4: I guess my question to you is, how do I
S4: how do you deal with that content issue? How do
S4: you get to the place where if you get married, great.
S4: But I'm going to be content where I am right now.
S4: What do you say about that?
S5: Yeah. Well, I think, Chris, there are there are people
S5: who have had wonderful lives and had made tremendous impacts
S5: for God who were single. I mean, Jesus himself is one,
S5: but I think there are many, many others. And it's
S5: not I think it's not necessarily God's plan for everybody
S5: to get married. And there are good examples of that
S5: through the years. Obviously, it is the pattern. It is
S5: a fundamental pattern of life that men and women meet
S5: each other and fall in love and get married. And
S5: and God's plan is that they encourage each other, help
S5: each other to become the person God wants them to be,
S5: and together they accomplish, you know God's purpose in marriage
S5: a deep, intimate, supportive, caring relationship. But. That's not the lifestyle.
S5: I think for everybody. I'm not saying give up. You know,
S5: if you're 50 and see I'm still not married, I
S5: wouldn't say, well, just write it off. Who knows what's
S5: going to happen as you get involved with interfacing with people.
S5: But there has to be some place where you interface.
S5: And my observation is that the bar is not the
S5: best place to do that.
S3: If you enjoy building relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, visit
S3: our website Building Relationships Us there. You'll find out more
S3: about Dr. Chapman, his New York Times bestseller, The Five
S3: Love Languages, and upcoming seminar locations, and you can also
S3: hear a podcast of the program at Building relationships.us.
S4: Our resource for today is the book by Dr. Chapman
S4: and yours truly. It's titled A marriage. Carol. You may
S4: have heard the audio drum of that in years past.
S4: Go to Building Relationships us. You can find out more
S4: about it right there. Building relationships.us now a wife, a husband,
S4: and a spiritual disappointment.
S12: Hi Gary, I am generally politically conservative. My wife is
S12: very liberal. Don't ask me how that works or how
S12: we got as far as marriage. But recently, after four
S12: years of living together, we walk down the aisle. We
S12: are currently going through your book. Neither of us are
S12: Christians per se, but I definitely have had Christian school
S12: Christian upbringing. My family is Amish and Bentonite, and I
S12: have a strong Christian moral structure and background. So I
S12: know there's a verse in Scripture that talks about being
S12: unequally yoked, but we do share things in common. We
S12: do love each other. It's just if she listens to
S12: Piers Morgan, I listen to Jordan Peterson. That's I don't
S12: know what your what your leanings are, but everything about
S12: me and her is it's just night day oil and water,
S12: black and white. We are different as the day is
S12: from the night time. So if you have some advice,
S12: thank you so much for your time.
S5: By well, you have to be empathetic with that concept
S5: because through the years I've had many, many people like
S5: this in my office, you know, who are very, very
S5: different when it comes to political issues and, and a
S5: whole lot of other issues in life. Can they have
S5: a healthy marriage? Yes, I think that's possible. It does
S5: mean you have to accept each other as they are,
S5: rather than spending time trying to convince the other person
S5: that they're wrong on a particular issue. Every couple has differences,
S5: to be sure, but when it comes to strong political
S5: things in our culture today, as everybody knows, we're in
S5: a battle. I mean, we're fighting each other, you know,
S5: shooting each other, trying to demean each other. Well, there's
S5: no place for that kind of thing in a healthy marriage. No.
S5: So we have to accept the reality that we have
S5: different perspectives, but also work on the positive things that
S5: you can do together. You know, what are the kind
S5: of things that we enjoy doing together? There has to
S5: be some commonality or you wouldn't have gotten married, I
S5: would think. So. What are some of those things that
S5: we appreciate about each other? And let's build on those
S5: things in terms of the spiritual, obviously, it would be
S5: a tremendous asset to a marriage if both of you
S5: had a personal relationship with God, but you can't make
S5: somebody else do that. You can do it for yourself. Now, obviously,
S5: the caller has a Christian background and has a Christian worldview,
S5: as it were, but he seems to be saying that
S5: he's not necessarily walking in a close relationship with God.
S5: But I think obviously our relationship with God impacts everything else.
S5: I remember God loved us. The Bible says, when we
S5: were sinners and sent Christ to die for us. So
S5: if one person in a marriage is a solid Christian
S5: walking with God, they can say to God, Lord, I
S5: know you love my spouse because God loves everybody. He
S5: wants everybody to come to know him. And so, you know,
S5: I don't have any positive feelings anymore. Or maybe you
S5: do have positive feeling. It sounds like maybe the caller
S5: does have positive feelings, but I'm asking you to pour
S5: your love into my heart and let me be an
S5: agent for loving my spouse. Even though we disagree on
S5: a whole lot of things. And the scriptures say the
S5: love of God is poured out in our hearts by
S5: the Holy Spirit, so the spiritual dimension of life does
S5: have a positive impact on how we relate together, even
S5: with huge differences in areas like the caller mentioned.
S4: Okay, what do you say to the person? Who's listening?
S4: Who says, we're both Christians, we're strong, we go the
S4: same church and we sing the same songs. But he's
S4: voting for that, that party and I'm voting, you know,
S4: what do you do with the division that's in a
S4: believing marriage?
S5: I think, again, Chris, we have to accept differences. Otherwise
S5: we're going to be fighting ourselves with each other, just
S5: like the whole culture is fighting with, with those that
S5: oppose them. So we have to recognize that Christians can
S5: have different perspectives on many things. And so this is
S5: an area where there's a strong difference in the two
S5: of you. You have to come to accept that, you know, okay.
S5: So just be sure you vote because you'll cancel out
S5: their vote, okay? Don't let them vote by themselves.
S6: For 15 years we've been canceling out each other's vote.
S6: Yeah that's great.
S4: And that, you know, it just it strikes me that
S4: there was there's a lot of division in the early
S4: church too. And some of the letters, maybe most of them,
S4: especially from Paul. Most of the letters were written about
S4: the the conflict that there was. So conflict can can
S4: bring about something good and understanding. And maybe that person
S4: who's listening today could hear you talking about this, and
S4: they have a disagreement with their spouse over something in
S4: politics or the culture, and they could use this as
S4: an opportunity to go and say, tell me more about
S4: what you thought. Why do you vote this way? Or
S4: why you think this way about this? Can you tell
S4: me more about that? And it could open lines of
S4: communication in the marriage.
S5: I think that's true, Chris. As long as you're not
S5: arguing in trying to convince the other person, you're wrong.
S5: Da da da da da da da da da da da.
S5: But to understand, you know, how did you come to
S5: that perspective? What what in your past influenced you to
S5: to see that perspective and then also even to expose
S5: yourself to books or articles or that sort of thing
S5: on the other side so that you both are getting
S5: a perspective of, you know, of the other person's perspective
S5: and not just simply, you know, looking at your perspective.
S6: Yes.
S5: But communication is essential to having a healthy marriage, whether
S5: it's this or other disagreements, talking about sharing, trying to
S5: understand the other person's perspective and where they are and
S5: not fighting each other. If we follow fighting to the end,
S5: somebody is going to win the war and somebody's going
S5: to lose the war, right? And it's no fun to
S5: live with a loser in the marriage. So why create
S5: a loser?
S4: Well, here's another idea for the for the caller. You
S4: mentioned Piers Morgan and Jordan Peterson. I think I've seen
S4: interviews that Pierce has done with Jordan. So both of
S4: you watch that and see what happens as you talk
S4: about it afterwards. I really I love the question. Thank
S4: you for listening. Thank you for trusting us with your questions.
S4: And here's another person who has done that. I'm really
S4: looking forward to hearing Dr. Chapman's response to this next caller.
S4: She has an opinion about the calls she hears on
S4: this program. Here we go.
S9: Hi Dr. Kerry, I love your program. I have been
S9: married twice. I'm 70 years old. Both husbands immature and
S9: took off and the divorces. Many of your calls are
S9: about selfish and immature men. Quite a few different topics
S9: and statistics show that once women have been married once
S9: or twice, many times the second or third marriage is
S9: that a marriage, second or third relationship is with another female,
S9: whether they're roommates or housemates, or buy a home together.
S9: There is a reason for that. All those immature men
S9: out there that have gone their selfish ways and end
S9: up alone. It's it's too bad. Maybe you can write
S9: a book about it. Thank you. Bye bye.
S5: Well, Chris, that's an interesting call. I don't know that
S5: I would want to agree that the biggest problem in
S5: marriages is selfish men. I think it's selfish men and
S5: selfish women. We are all human, and by nature we
S5: are selfish. You know, it's only as God touches our
S5: heart that we're changed and we have began to develop
S5: the attitude of Christ that I'm in this relationship to
S5: help you. I'm in here to do everything I can
S5: to enrich your life, because it takes two unselfish people
S5: to have a really healthy marriage. And that's why I
S5: think Christians who are really walking with God have an
S5: advantage on people who do not have a relationship with God,
S5: because God is convicting us when we do wrong and
S5: put each other down and that sort of thing. And
S5: the non-Christian only has his or her conscience, and the
S5: conscience can be seared with a hot iron. So. But
S5: I understand if you've gone through that and you've had
S5: two marriages and two divorces with someone with a man
S5: who very, very selfish, where you can sense that that's
S5: the biggest problem is just selfish men. But I think
S5: it's it's our sinful nature that is the biggest problem there.
S5: Interesting that she said that in the latter part of
S5: having gone through a couple of failed marriages, that a
S5: lot of women end up just having a good friend
S5: relationship with a female. And it has nothing to do
S5: with sexuality. It has to do with simply someone that
S5: I can share life with. And I think anyone that's
S5: single needs to have a good friend, and sometimes the
S5: friends might choose to room together that sort of thing,
S5: but no sexual aspect intended. So I think all of
S5: us need close relationships with people. If we failed at marriage,
S5: for whatever reason, we may just decide not to marry
S5: a third time or a fourth time, but to just
S5: have a really good Christian friend of the same sex
S5: that I can relate to in a positive way.
S3: You're listening to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author
S3: of the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages.
S3: You can find out more about the Love Languages concept.
S3: Take a quiz to find out your love language. Absolutely free. Plus,
S3: see the novella Gary and Chris wrote together titled a
S3: marriage Carol. No ghosts of Christmas Past were harmed in
S3: the writing. Just go to building relationships. Dot us.
S4: Gary, our next caller, is looking for help in the
S4: life situation that he is now in the middle of.
S13: Hi Gary, what resources do you have that I would
S13: be able to offer a spouse where the marriage has
S13: been dissolved, resulting in divorce, and where one spouse is
S13: still looking at things in a spiritual way that hoping
S13: that maybe somewhere down the road there could be reconciliation
S13: where there's daughters involved, that now no longer speak to me.
S13: Is there any material that can be given for somebody
S13: to read and to consider, especially where there's no communication
S13: whatsoever between me, my daughters and former spouse? If there's
S13: anything that you can provide any insight that would greatly
S13: appreciate if you can get back to me. Thank you
S13: so much. God bless.
S5: Well, Chris, this color represents a very common phenomena in
S5: our culture, and that is where parents and their adult
S5: children have a fractured relationship. There are many things that
S5: lead to that. And in this case, apparently there's something
S5: about his divorcing or his divorce that has led them
S5: to this. I don't know if they had a relationship
S5: with him before the divorce or whether they didn't, and
S5: whether that's a part of it, or he did something
S5: in the midst of all that that made them, you know,
S5: just withdraw from him. It's tragic, really, because we need
S5: each other. Adult children need to have a relationship with
S5: their parents, and parents need to have a relationship with
S5: their adult children. Even if there's been failures on both sides.
S5: And often there is failures on both sides. But if
S5: we're going to walk away from each other, you know,
S5: because something happened that we disagree with or that hurt
S5: us deeply and we're going to stay separated, I can
S5: understand why you tend to withdraw when you've been hurt deeply.
S5: And apparently his children and his daughters have been hurt
S5: deeply over something, some aspect of this. But to stay separated,
S5: to stay, you know, in a broken relationship or a
S5: fractured relationship. But, you know, the prodigal son's father did
S5: not go out seeking them or him trying to bring
S5: him back. He he just kept the farm going. So
S5: there was a place to come back to. So I
S5: would say in terms of his relationship with his daughters,
S5: keep an open door. You can't make them want to
S5: reconcile with you, but in whatever way you can, if
S5: you have any contact at all, make it kind. Don't
S5: don't be condemning of them. Express a you know, I
S5: can understand how you would feel hurt by all of
S5: this and it and I'm hurting too, but accepting where
S5: they are and not condemning them for where they are,
S5: letting them know that you love them. You would love
S5: to have a relationship, if any, if any. What can
S5: be done about it? If there are things that they're
S5: holding against you that were wrong, then apologize for it
S5: for sure you know, apologize for it. And the book,
S5: the five apology languages would be very, very helpful to
S5: you at that point. And most of the time, we
S5: all have something that we need to we need to
S5: deal with in terms of apology. But that book also
S5: deals with forgiveness, which is the godly response to an
S5: apology in terms of your marriage, you know you've already
S5: gone through divorce. If the other person is rigid and
S5: says there's no hope and I'll never, ever come back,
S5: there's a there's a juncture at which you have to
S5: accept that. I think it's positive that you want to
S5: have reconciliation. I think as a Christian, we certainly should
S5: also seek reconciliation. But one person alone cannot restore marriage.
S5: There has to be a response on the part of
S5: the other person. So I don't, you know, not knowing
S5: the situation. I can't give you specific things that you
S5: could do that might turn the person back in your direction.
S5: But I do think the book One More Try What
S5: to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart could be
S5: helpful to you as well as another book I wrote
S5: called Loving Your Spouse. When You Feel Like Walking Away,
S5: both of those books will help you perhaps find some
S5: things you can do that might open a door with
S5: your ex-wife.
S4: And if you go to building relationships.us. You'll see on
S4: the website resources there that where you can find those
S4: books that Gary just mentioned go to building relationships us.
S4: You know, I.
S6: Just have.
S4: To say, Gary.
S6: For.
S4: The listeners who call in, who trust us with these
S4: deep hurts and struggles, thank you for being honest. Thank
S4: you for being vulnerable. Your call is helping other people
S4: who have the same kind of question, but there are
S4: times when people will call who are responding to something
S4: that you've said, or another caller is asked on the program.
S4: And recently someone called and asked if you needed to
S4: feel the tingles before marriage in order for it to last.
S4: And you said, basically, no, the tingles are not required.
S4: Here's a response to that answer.
S14: Hi Gary, I just wanted to call and chime in
S14: with your your proposition that the tingles, not the essential peace.
S14: I've been married over 40 years and been doing couples
S14: coaching that whole time as well, and it's good to
S14: hear someone else out there telling the truth about what
S14: really matters in long term marriage relationships. So thank you
S14: and keep up the good work.
S5: Yeah, I think, Chris, you know, the common understanding in
S5: our culture is that if you're really in love, I'm
S5: calling it the tingles. But if you're really in love,
S5: that those feelings, those euphoric feelings were going to last forever.
S5: And I was told that, you know, when I was
S5: growing up, if you got the real thing, it's going
S5: to last forever. And the reality is, that's just not true.
S5: That high emotional thing that we call falling in love
S5: or being in love has about a two year lifespan.
S5: We come down off that high. And that's why the
S5: love language is, I think, has been one reason why
S5: it's been so popular, is it helps couples learn how
S5: to meet the emotional need for love after you come
S5: down off the high. And so it's not it's not
S5: that that euphoric experience that we call falling in love
S5: that's going to carry us through long term. It brings
S5: us together. But it is very obsessive and we have
S5: ideas that that are really flawed and that is that
S5: the other person is perfect. This the perfect person for me.
S5: None of us are perfect. So yeah, I appreciate the
S5: call and the affirmation on the reality that the tangles
S5: are not what creates long term relationships.
S6: So are you.
S4: One more question before we end here. Are you into
S4: the whole I'm looking for my soulmate. I've got to
S4: find my soulmate in order for me to have a
S4: long term marriage.
S5: You know, Chris, that's a wonderful idea, you know? But listen,
S5: there are cultures where Mom and dad pick out the
S5: person you're going to marry and you hardly know them
S5: before you get married. And they have many of them
S5: have stable marriages and healthy marriages. So it's not it's
S5: not that emotional high that's going to keep you together forever,
S5: whether you call it soulmate or whatever. I think we
S5: become soulmates. If we if in marriage, we learn each
S5: other's love language, we speak each other's love language. We're
S5: there for each other. We process our differences in a
S5: positive way, and we apologize to each other when we
S5: do wrong. I mean, these are the things that lead
S5: us to that deep sense that we're there for each other.
S5: You know, when you can call that a soul? We
S5: become soul mates, as it were, as we process life together.
S4: But that takes some work, you know, it's like I
S4: want her to be my soulmate and, you know, make
S4: sure you you make me feel better about. No, I
S4: got to do the work of my relationship with me
S4: and with God and the forgiveness and and going deeper into, into,
S4: you know, who I really am and some of the
S4: deficiencies and the sin in me in order to be
S4: able to move toward my wife. Right?
S5: Yeah, I think so, Chris. And that's why I think,
S5: as I said earlier, Christians have it on non-Christians because
S5: we have outside help. If we're really walking with God
S5: and we're doing things in our marriage relationship that are detrimental,
S5: God brings those to our mind. He convicts us of
S5: them so we can confess and apologize and move on
S5: down the road. So yeah, it is work, but it's
S5: cooperating with God and he gives us the power to
S5: make changes, you know, so that we can have a loving, supportive,
S5: caring relationship.
S4: We would love to hear your question for Dr. Gary Chapman.
S4: Call 866424 Gary, and you might hear an answer on
S4: the future program. And don't forget to check out our
S4: featured resource, a marriage Carol Charles Dickens Meets the Love Languages.
S4: We have a link at Building relationships us.
S5: And coming up next week. How do you handle the
S5: big and the small losses in your life?
S3: If you're struggling with the way things used to be,
S3: don't miss the conversation. A big thank you to our
S3: production team, Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Dr.
S3: Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association
S3: with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks
S3: for listening.