S1: Maybe sometime you could address the concept of fake validation.
S2: We don't communicate anymore.
S3: I'm looking at your materials. We don't see anything for
S3: people in their 80s.
S4: She always tells me that I never lived up to
S4: being a good mom.
S5: Welcome to Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, New York
S5: Times best selling author of The Five Love Languages. Today,
S5: it's our Dear Gary broadcast for June. As Doctor Chapman
S5: takes a variety of questions about relationship struggles, the ups,
S5: the downs and there are some ups and downs represented today.
S6: As there always are, and some thank you's for Gary
S6: for his program and podcasts and books. One of those
S6: books is our featured resource at Building relationships.us. You wrote
S6: this with Arlene Pelican, Screen Kids five Relational Skills Every
S6: Child Needs in a Tech Driven World. You can find
S6: out more about that at Building relationships.us. Gary, when your
S6: children were young, the screen was a television set. So
S6: this is kind of a whole new world, isn't it?
S7: Oh, absolutely. Chris. You know, we had clear rules. There
S7: were 3 or 4 programs that they could choose two,
S7: you know, 230 minute programs on TV. So they had
S7: some choice. But we that's all the TV they saw.
S7: And today, of course, yes. I mean, screens are controlling
S7: the world. Yeah. And parents are letting screens do all
S7: the babysitting and a lot of other stuff. So this
S7: book will help a lot of parents who are already
S7: struggling with, you know, how am I going to handle
S7: all this? You know, because it will give you help.
S7: You make some guidelines with your children because we want
S7: them to learn how to have skills in relationships, not
S7: just watching a screen, you know? So yeah, this book,
S7: I'm very excited about it. And of course, Arlene Pelikan,
S7: my co author on this book is just super in
S7: this area.
S6: She is. And if you go to building relationships.us, you'll
S6: see that book screen kids building relationship.us. Now, Gary, this
S6: is our last program before we take a summer break.
S6: So next week and all the way through July and August,
S6: you're going to hear best of broadcasts from this past year.
S6: And we would love to hear a question or a
S6: comment from you over the summer. So call our listener line.
S6: I'll give it to you a couple times here. Eight, six,
S6: 642 for Gary and I'll slow down 1-866-424-4279. If there's
S6: a question about relationships that you have as a parent,
S6: as a friend, dating, marriage, whatever it is 86642 for Gary.
S6: And let me mention that July marks the 100th anniversary
S6: of Moody Radio. and I would like to hear from you. Gary,
S6: you were born 12 years after Moody Radio went on
S6: the air. So you've got a long history. You came
S6: to Moody Bible Institute around 1955 and you told me
S6: you didn't because you were so involved in classroom work,
S6: you didn't really pay much attention to what was on
S6: the radio. But here's my question. Did you ever think
S6: you would have a national program on Moody Radio when
S6: you studied at Moody?
S7: The short answer is no. Never, ever cross my mind.
S7: In fact, when Moody Radio came to me, I don't
S7: remember the year. You may remember Chris, but, uh. And
S7: asked if I'd be open to doing a radio program. Uh,
S7: my first response was, oh, I don't know. I'm a counselor.
S7: I mean, I listen to people I don't get on
S7: and talk, you know? I mean. And came back a
S7: little later and said, what if we got you a
S7: really good co-host? Would you be open to it? And
S7: I said, well, I'd pray about it. And they came back, Chris,
S7: and said, well, how about Chris and Andrea Fabbri? And I,
S7: by that time I knew about you guys. Okay. Yes, yes.
S7: And I said, oh, I'll pray about that. I didn't
S7: have to pray long. And I said, yeah, if they'd
S7: be my co-host, uh, I'll do it. And so here
S7: we have. How many years have we been going, Chris?
S6: Well, we started in 2007, so. Whatever. Do do the
S6: math in your head.
S7: I'm not good on math.
S6: It's been a long it's been a long, good journey together. And, uh,
S6: and Moody radio was a part of that brought us together.
S6: And you've spoken into a lot of people's lives. And
S6: so I just want to highlight that as we head
S6: into July, which is the 100th anniversary, Doctor Gary Chapman
S6: has been a part of that for the last since 2007. Uh,
S6: and here's one of the programs that we thought we
S6: would do just about every month. We have a what
S6: we call a Dear Gary broadcast, where people call in
S6: and ask you questions. And our first caller today has
S6: a program idea about a communication problem that she has.
S6: Here's her topic suggestion.
S1: Hi, Gary. I was just wondering if maybe sometime you
S1: could address the concept of fake validation or like validation,
S1: because that's something I've been experiencing in a relationship where
S1: it's almost like they pretend they're listening to me and
S1: pretend they're validating me. But like, in my gut, it
S1: feels like they're not, and they're actually kind of not
S1: believing me. So yeah, maybe you could cover that sometime.
S1: Thanks so much for all your work. Bye.
S7: Well, you can almost feel the pain in the voice
S7: of this caller. All of us like to be heard
S7: if we're talking, it's because we think we have something
S7: to say. And if the other person is just, you know,
S7: apparently listening and maybe even affirming, you know, with. Mhm. Uh, um,
S7: but in our mind, they come across to us as
S7: their mind somewhere else. They're not really listening to what
S7: we have to say because they don't have a response
S7: that solicits, you know, am I hearing what you're saying?
S7: Is this what you're saying? I want to I want
S7: to make sure I understand you. They're not asking those
S7: kind of questions. And that's, that's what changes the dynamic
S7: is when they're not only just sitting there in your
S7: presence listening to you talk, but they are asking you
S7: questions to make sure they understand what you're saying. That
S7: is an engaged listener. And that's what this, this caller
S7: is really longing for is an engaged listener, not just
S7: one that sits there and gives the impression that they're listening.
S7: But by the fact that they don't respond in any
S7: way to ask clarifying questions, or what are the implications
S7: of this? Or how might we apply what you're saying?
S7: Or is there anything I can do that would help
S7: what you're sharing? You know, they don't ask those questions.
S7: So there's no conversation going on really. And that's what
S7: that's what she's really asking for.
S6: Yeah. And, and truth, you know, I want to hear,
S6: even if you disagree with me or don't think I'm
S6: right in what I'm saying, tell me that rather than
S6: pretending I heard al and Autumn Rae say they're going
S6: to be our guests coming up, I believe, in the fall. Um.
S6: Being heard is so close to feeling loved that most
S6: people can't tell the difference. I think that's what kind
S6: of what she's talking about. Right?
S7: Yeah, I think you're right, Chris. We want to feel
S7: like that a person is interested in us enough that
S7: they really want to hear and understand what we're saying.
S7: And then yes, we want their feedback. If we're if
S7: it's a close relationship, like a marriage, we want their feedback.
S7: In fact, we should ask for their feedback. Uh, what
S7: do you think? Because I'm interested in your perspective. And
S7: when we take that approach also, we're encouraging, uh, active
S7: listening because we're actually asking for their feedback. What, what
S7: do you feel about this? Or how do you see this? And,
S7: and when you have that kind of interest, uh, they're
S7: far more likely to share because sometimes the reason they
S7: don't share where they are or don't ask questions is
S7: because they're afraid to get into an argument, particularly if
S7: that's been a pattern that they've established in their relationship.
S6: A featured resource today is the book Gary wrote with
S6: Arlene Pelican. Screen Kids five Relational Skills Every Child Needs
S6: in a Tech Driven World. You can find out more
S6: at the website Building relationships.us again, building relationships.us. Gary. I
S6: don't think we've ever had this issue come up in
S6: the last 19 years or so. When we started this program,
S6: and I'm interested in your reaction to our next caller.
S3: Essentially, we are newly married a year and a half.
S3: My first marriage was 54 years. My current wife's first
S3: marriage was 64 years. When looking at your materials, we
S3: don't see anything for people in their 80s. Really? As
S3: a general, stuff might go. So are there documents? You
S3: get a teenage book, but you have a senior seniors book.
S3: Looking at looking for information that is suitable for us
S3: instead of these 30 year long marriages or whatever, which
S3: are very short time as far as we're concerned. But
S3: what do you want to go another 20? Talk to
S3: you later.
S6: Okay. I got to jump in here. I for somebody
S6: who's been married 30, 30 plus years is like a,
S6: you know, that's nothing compared with what we're going through.
S6: But and but I love what he said at the end.
S6: We want to go another 20 and, you know, okay,
S6: so what do you what do you say?
S7: Well, first of all, he's right. I've never written a
S7: book on that. Because what I heard him say is
S7: that one of them had been married to their original
S7: spouse 64 years and 154 years, and apparently both of
S7: them are deceased and they met each other in their 80s.
S7: And now they are trying to figure out how do
S7: we make marriage at this stage work for us? You know,
S7: I'm at that stage myself, but but my wife's still
S7: living and I hope she lives another 20 years, you know.
S7: In fact, she and I both have talked about if
S7: one of us died before the other, would the other
S7: one get remarried? You know, and my wife just said
S7: very dogmatically. No. Absolutely not. I'm not going to train
S7: another one.
S6: I can hear Carolyn say that. I believe you.
S7: And I honestly don't think I would get remarried either
S7: if she died before I did. But, you know, one
S7: never knows when you until you're going through experience. But
S7: but I hear the caller and and obviously at that
S7: stage of life, things are different and there are different
S7: things you have to be thinking about. Uh, because each
S7: of you have a history, each of you have assets,
S7: financial assets, uh, each of you have families, extended families,
S7: very likely children, grandchildren, maybe great grandchildren at that point.
S7: And so there's a lot more things to deal with. Uh,
S7: when you're at that age and you're just getting married. Uh,
S7: so I don't know, Chris, if there are books out there,
S7: I would, I'd like to think that there are that
S7: deal with issues at that age. Maybe we can check
S7: that out. And if not, well, maybe I can do
S7: some research and write a book on that because.
S6: Well, you could write it with them, with that couple. Okay.
S6: So let.
S7: Me.
S6: Let me jump into that then in, in his situation,
S6: because one of the things that I think might happen
S6: if you've been married to somebody for 64 years and
S6: the other is 54 years, you have such a history.
S6: How do you deal with that lost spouse? You know,
S6: the spouse who's passed away? Do you and how do
S6: you not compare? Well, my husband used to and my
S6: wife used to and that kind of thing. How do
S6: you deal with that? You know, honor the the person
S6: who's passed away, but at the same time love the
S6: person who you're married to now.
S7: Yeah. Yeah, that would certainly be a key question because
S7: I think you're exactly right. There would be that tendency
S7: to expect your husband or your wife to do the
S7: kind of things that your former husband or wife did.
S7: And I would think that would be a point of
S7: contention in a lot of marriages at that juncture. Uh,
S7: and I think we'd have to I think there would
S7: be a lot of premarital counseling before you make a decision.
S7: I mean, you may think, well, we've been married before
S7: and we've done it for a long time. We know
S7: how to do this. But you're facing issues and a
S7: history that is coming together, and it's two different histories
S7: that are coming together. There is a sense in which
S7: I think it would be even more difficult, uh, in
S7: the 80s to be marrying after you've had a successful
S7: long marriage, to be marrying again to someone else. There's
S7: going to be issues you're facing that you really didn't
S7: face even in the first marriage. So yeah, I appreciate
S7: the call and I'm sorry we're not giving a really
S7: good answer in terms of specifics, but I do think
S7: that there are issues that need to be dealt with
S7: before you get married. And then I would also suggest
S7: as you run into problems, don't think you're too old
S7: to go for counseling.
S6: Mhm.
S7: I mean, seek out a Christian counselor and be honest
S7: about what you're struggling with, rather than just you get
S7: to the place where you're just kind of miserable with
S7: each other because, you know, you've got situations you can't
S7: you haven't been able to deal with. So, you know,
S7: be be mature enough, at least when you, when, if
S7: you do have struggles that you can't settle yourself to
S7: reach out to a Christian counselor and let them help you.
S6: Or the tension that comes from your kids or her kids. Yeah.
S6: And I've, I've heard that a lot, haven't you?
S7: Right. Absolutely. And because sometimes the kids don't want you
S7: to get married, right? Daddy, why are you getting married?
S7: You're 85 years old, you know, and they're thinking you're
S7: just compounding the problem here. Uh, you're you're you're you're
S7: going to pass on financially, whatever you have to, to,
S7: to those of us who are children. But what are
S7: her children going to think about that? And have you
S7: all settled this before you get married? How are you
S7: going to handle the finances and and her whatever assets
S7: she has and assets you have, and the house that
S7: she probably owns, the house that you own. And, and,
S7: you know, so I think you need to consider your
S7: children's concerns. And I would say even before you get married, uh,
S7: talk with your children about it and let them know,
S7: you know, what you're thinking in terms of how to
S7: handle all those kind of things. Because the more you
S7: information you give them upfront, the less likely they're going
S7: to be super, super disturbed with the fact that you're
S7: getting you're getting married again. There's a lot of issues
S7: there with, with your adult children and even your grandchildren.
S7: So I'm not saying you shouldn't get married at 80
S7: or 85 or whatever. I'm just saying you need to
S7: really think your way through and deal with the issues
S7: before you get married. That will help make things a
S7: lot easier for you and for your children.
S6: And isn't it interesting how communication comes up? You know,
S6: communicating with your kids. This is what's going on. And
S6: if you keep it a secret and you know the
S6: ramifications of that. Okay. Great call. Thank you. If you
S6: have a question for Doctor Chapman 866424. Gary leave a message.
S6: We're going to come back in the fall and answer
S6: some of these questions that we get over the summer. 866424. Gary.
S6: Next up is a mom in a difficult situation.
S8: Hi doctor. Gary my question is about my daughter my
S8: adult daughter. She's 41. According to her, she always wanted
S8: to have a relationship with me when she was young.
S8: When she was a teenager, I thought I was doing
S8: the best that I could. But apparently she always tells
S8: me that I just never lived up to being a
S8: good mom. She said she has forgiven me, but she
S8: brings it up often, and I can tell in her
S8: demeanor and the way that she talks about me, that
S8: she has resentment. Now I can live with that, although
S8: it hurts very much. But I do want her prayers
S8: to be answered. She now has a teenage daughter that
S8: is sort of rebelling. My first granddaughter that I love dearly.
S8: She's a good kid, but she's sort of rebelling and
S8: she has asked me for forgiveness in front of my granddaughter,
S8: and I tell her it's never too late to ask
S8: for forgiveness and I forgive you. I love you, and
S8: I have asked for forgiveness to her for my shortcomings
S8: as a mom, because I know I have them. I
S8: can't recall anything major that I did, but back in
S8: that day, my life was a blur. So I don't
S8: want to minimize her feelings and her reasons, although they're
S8: not clear to me how I am such a bad mom.
S8: But I do want her to forgive me, genuinely, because
S8: I know how important it is for your prayers to
S8: be answered. Not holding a grudge, especially to your mom.
S8: I personally had issues with my mom and at the
S8: end of her life, got to really forgive her and
S8: it made a difference. So that's my question, doctor Gary,
S8: what can I do to make sure that she genuinely
S8: forgives me and that she doesn't hold any bitterness? Is
S8: there a way? Thank you so much.
S7: Well, Chris, I would, you know, wonder how many conversations
S7: they have had about this issue. Uh, you know, whether
S7: it was just 1 or 2, you know, really big
S7: moments that they, the daughter shared these things with her
S7: or whether it's just she just talks about it continually
S7: because these kind of things don't get resolved without conversations.
S7: And so the ideal thing is if a mother gets
S7: the message in any way she does, that her adult
S7: daughter felt like she was not a good mother would
S7: be to ask questions and to say, you know, I
S7: want to know how you feel. I want to know
S7: what you felt growing up because, you know, I can't
S7: read your mind. And I didn't know you were feeling
S7: certain ways. But I want to know because I want
S7: to apologize for anything that I've done that was hurtful
S7: and wrong or anything I failed to do. So Will,
S7: will you? I just want to listen and and ask
S7: you to share with me. And don't don't worry about
S7: hurting me because I'll be more hurt if you don't.
S7: If you don't share them with me and let her
S7: honestly share. And don't defend yourself at all. Just listen
S7: to her perception of what life was like with you
S7: as her mother, and maybe even take some notes as
S7: she's talking to show that you're sincerely trying to hear
S7: what she's saying and ask her questions. Is this what
S7: you're saying? I just want to make sure that I
S7: understand you and having that kind of in depth conversation.
S7: And if, if it if you think that's impossible with her, uh,
S7: just the two of you and maybe do it in
S7: the presence of a counselor who can help each of
S7: you hear each other and understand each other as if
S7: you tried this and there's been explosions in the middle of,
S7: you know, trying to be open and honest. Uh, let
S7: a third party be there. They can help you process that.
S7: But I do think that's the first essential is hearing
S7: the daughter out and not trying to defend yourself, but
S7: just trying to understand where where she felt. Because if
S7: she felt it, then emotionally, that's what she experienced. It
S7: was not necessarily your intention at all in what you
S7: did or didn't do, but it's what she felt and
S7: that's what's influenced her, that she is looking back and
S7: feeling like that. She had failed her in some ways.
S7: So there has to be an openness to hear her
S7: perceptions of how you failed before you can apologize sincerely. Uh,
S7: and then you apologize sincerely, not just by saying I'm sorry,
S7: but by I don't know if you've read my book
S7: on the five apology languages, but if you haven't, I
S7: suggest you read it because it helps you know how
S7: to apologize in a sincere way, a way that's meaningful
S7: to the other person. Because just to say I'm sorry
S7: is is not, though that's the most common apology. It's
S7: the least effective apology in terms of coming across as sincere.
S7: And so I think hearing it first and then sincerely apologizing,
S7: and not necessarily that you were morally wrong, but that
S7: you see what you're what your behavior, the impact it
S7: had on her, and you're apologizing and you're, you're saying,
S7: I wish I had never done that, you know, and
S7: you're asking, uh, you know, what can I do at
S7: this point that would make it up to you? That would,
S7: that would, you know, show you that I'm sincere. That's
S7: what you want to to experience is a sincere apology.
S7: After you hear the reality of what she's thinking and feeling. Now,
S7: I don't know what her you say her her daughter,
S7: your granddaughter is, is a kind of a rebellious stage. Uh,
S7: obviously many teenagers go through that, but, uh, I think
S7: the book The Five Love Languages of Teenagers would be
S7: a good book for her, your daughter, to have to
S7: read to understand her own daughter, if she hasn't read
S7: it and is not familiar with the five love languages,
S7: because there's a possibility that her daughter is growing up
S7: feeling unloved as well. Because if we don't speak their
S7: love language, even though we love them in our hearts,
S7: they don't feel loved. And that may be a part
S7: of the situation with your your adult daughter. Perhaps you
S7: did not speak her love language. Consequently, she did not
S7: feel loved even though you loved her. That's why I
S7: say to parents the question is not do you love
S7: your children? The question is, do they feel loved? Because
S7: if they don't feel loved, then it's going to show
S7: up in their behavior toward you and in life. And
S7: a teenage daughter who is a rebellious toward her mother.
S7: It may well be that she is. She doesn't feel loved.
S7: So that would be a good gift for you to
S7: give your daughter. And, and you. And you can read
S7: it yourself and say to her, I wish I had
S7: read this when you were a teenager, you know. But
S7: it's communication. It's sincere, open communication that that will bring healing.
S7: And if you can't do it, just the two of you,
S7: then ask your daughter if she's willing to go for
S7: counseling with you so that you can together work through this.
S6: Two resources there. The five languages of teenagers. Five love
S6: languages of teenagers, the secret to loving teens effectively, and
S6: then the five apology languages. The secret to healthy relationships
S6: that you wrote with Doctor Jennifer Thomas. You can find
S6: those at the website building relationships.us, building relationships.us. And the
S6: really positive thing here, Gary, is that her daughter, even
S6: though she's hurt, she's talking. There are so many calls
S6: that we get here from parents who said, my kids
S6: won't have any, you know, I can't call them. I
S6: can't see the grandkids. You know, they've shut me out.
S6: At least her daughter is talking with her. That is
S6: a good sign, isn't it?
S7: It is a good sign. In fact, it's the starting
S7: place when there's a relationship fracture is for the one
S7: who feels like they were hurt or treated unfairly. To
S7: verbalize it in a positive way as you can, but
S7: a realistic way. And so yeah, that's why the whole
S7: thing of communicating those things, it's a process that we
S7: have to go through if we're going to find healing.
S5: This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S5: We have some great resources for you at building relationships.us.
S5: You'll find a list of seminar locations coming up for
S5: Doctor Chapman and find out about our featured resource, which
S5: is the book Gary wrote with Arlene Pelikan. Screen Kids
S5: five Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech Driven World.
S5: Just go to building relationships.us or find us at five
S5: love languages.com.
S6: Again, the website building relationships.us. And let me give you
S6: our number, where you can ask Doctor Chapman a question
S6: or give some encouragement. 866424. Gary the question that you ask,
S6: the comment that you make about some relational struggle or
S6: relational high point might help somebody else who's going to
S6: be listening. 1-866-424-4279. I want you to hear from a caller, Gary,
S6: who resonated with something on a previous program. Here we go.
S9: Hi, Gary. I'm listening to the program this morning. Um,
S9: my marriage has been 37 years, so this is a comment.
S9: I had to do exactly what you had stated in
S9: regards to wanting this relationship to work. Um, that we
S9: needed to either go for counseling or I'm going to
S9: have to just take a break and see how badly
S9: you want this. And, um, it's really neat. God's been
S9: working in our lives. We're putting him first And I'm
S9: just I'm blessed to see how he is working this
S9: relationship out. So I wanted to share that. Thank you.
S7: Well, Chris, it's always encouraging when listeners take action, which
S7: is what she did, you know, reaching out and getting
S7: help and now experiencing the value of that. So yeah, yeah,
S7: if we don't do something, things don't get better. We
S7: have to take action. And so she took action. And that,
S7: that I think is the lesson all of us need
S7: to learn. Do something that will be constructive.
S6: I love that she said us, God's working on us
S6: is not just fix him. You know, God's working on us.
S6: That is a positive statement, isn't it?
S7: Absolutely, absolutely.
S6: She is right in the middle of a marriage struggle
S6: and in the middle of one of your books. Gary,
S6: here's our next caller.
S10: Hi, Gary. I am currently listening to your book, Loving
S10: Your Spouse when You feel like walking away. I am
S10: on chapter 13 and I have been going through various
S10: trials and tribulations in my marriage, and I've been trying
S10: to reconcile with my husband, and we've gone to numerous
S10: counseling sessions. And can you recommend a counselor in my
S10: area close by, where we can potentially seek counseling from
S10: a therapist that maybe has the same processes and views
S10: that you do to kind of help us potentially find
S10: out if we can stay married or ultimately we need
S10: to go our separate ways. And again, I am just
S10: at my wit's end and I'm looking for some type
S10: of resolve in my marriage. I do not want to
S10: give up on it. I do love my husband, but
S10: he is very, very difficult. I have no nothing else
S10: to do. I don't know what else to do. Thank
S10: you for your time.
S7: Well, Chris, I appreciate her call because she's acknowledging that
S7: she really wants to make things different. She wants to
S7: follow the message of that book, loving your spouse when
S7: you feel like walking away. But she's struggling and she's,
S7: she's asking for, you know, advice on where to find
S7: a counselor. I don't know any counselors personally that live
S7: in her city, but I will give you two suggestions.
S7: Number one, focus on the family, the radio program, focus
S7: on the family. You can Google them. They have over
S7: 20 counselors on their staff who will hear your story here,
S7: where you are. And then they have a list of
S7: counselors around the around the country that they can make recommendations.
S7: They don't do long term counseling themselves, but they'll hear
S7: your story, see where you are, and then they will
S7: they will give you information on how to contact the
S7: Christian counselor in your area. There's another organization called American
S7: Association of Christian Councillors a a c c. American Association
S7: of Christian Counselors. And I think you can Google them
S7: as well. They have a thing on their website where
S7: you can put in your zip code, and they will
S7: send you a list of counselors, Christian counselors in your area,
S7: and you can call them and share a little bit
S7: about your situation and ask, you know, is this the
S7: sort of thing that that you that you could perhaps
S7: help us with? So those will be my two suggestions
S7: in terms of trying to find a Christian counselor. The
S7: other suggestion would be that you call a pastor of
S7: a church in your area, particularly maybe a church that
S7: you know or you trust, and ask them if they
S7: have a Christian counselors in the area they could recommend,
S7: because many times Christian counselors have built a relationship with,
S7: with Christian pastors. So that would be another option on
S7: the local level.
S6: And that's one of the reasons why I wanted to
S6: hear what you would say, because you cannot count. We
S6: get calls and say, Gary, you need to counsel. You
S6: need to talk to my husband or my wife or,
S6: you know, tell me this counselor, and you don't know
S6: every counselor in the country. But I really appreciate her
S6: desire to I want to be, you know, go in
S6: a biblical way in this the way that you have
S6: done your own books and counseling in this program. I
S6: want to go that way. And I don't want to
S6: get sidetracked. So I appreciate the, you know, the heart
S6: of her call.
S7: Yes.
S6: And if you have a question like that, that you'd
S6: like Doctor Chapman to answer 86642 for Gary. Now here's
S6: a great question for you because I sense in this
S6: caller some concern. But there's also some hope for her
S6: long term relationship with her spouse. Here's our next caller.
S11: Hi, Gary. I am in a 36 year relationship with
S11: my husband. It's not a horrible relationship whatsoever, but we
S11: don't communicate anymore. We've gotten used to our daily grind,
S11: you know, jobs, family, community, whatever has taken us away
S11: from each other. And we are looking into retirement, and
S11: I just can't see what retirement looks like with someone
S11: that I have not communicated with for years and where
S11: I don't feel like we mesh anymore. I don't feel
S11: like we are a couple. It almost feels like we
S11: are married, but roommates. So I just want to know,
S11: how do we move from that to retirement and have
S11: a happy life for the rest of our lives? Because
S11: we don't want to get divorced. We don't. We don't
S11: want it to go down that path. We want to
S11: try to work on it and fix it and grow
S11: to the next chapter in our life. So whatever you
S11: can help us with, I would appreciate it. Thank you.
S7: Well, I'm empathetic with the caller, and I think there
S7: are many couples in our country who can identify with
S7: what she's saying. They are being civil to each other,
S7: but they're not really sharing life with each other. I
S7: think there's several things that can be done, steps that
S7: can be made. I'm assuming here that you're Christians. One
S7: would be to get a devotional book that's related to marriage. Uh,
S7: I wrote one, but there's a lot of others out
S7: there as well. The one I wrote is the one
S7: Minute Love Language devotional. It's for every day of the year. Uh,
S7: it's a year long devotional. There's a scripture verse, there's
S7: a brief devotional on the Scripture verse, and there's a
S7: printed prayer. If you got that and said to your husband,
S7: you know, could we could we try something together here
S7: and find out a time? We could just sit down
S7: and just take 3 minutes or 5 minutes and just
S7: expose ourselves together to something scriptural and something related to marriage.
S7: And one day you could read it and one day
S7: he could read it. You just go back and forth.
S7: It's a setting in which you're focusing on hearing something
S7: from God, hearing, hearing a principle from Scripture that can
S7: be helpful to you, and also hearing each other pray
S7: a prayer, even though it's a you're reading a prayer,
S7: but you're hearing each other pray, that could open up
S7: the climate to begin to have more conversation. And then
S7: a second thing, uh, having done that would be to say,
S7: you know, honey, I don't know how you feel, but
S7: I just feel like we're kind of roommates and we're
S7: not talking to each other. And I don't know what
S7: you're thinking and you don't know what I'm thinking. Could
S7: we maybe if you're having a meal together, could we
S7: after the meal, each of us just share two things
S7: that happen in our lives that day and how we
S7: feel about it. And they can be positive things or
S7: they can be negative things. You know, he can say, well,
S7: one thing that happened today, I stopped on the way
S7: home and got gas at the gas station and she said, well,
S7: how did you feel about that? He said, well, I
S7: felt angry. I looked at the price and I felt angry.
S7: I mean, they don't have to be heavy duty things.
S7: It's just he shares two things that happened in his life.
S7: And you share two things that happened in your life.
S7: They don't have to be huge things. That's a starting point,
S7: and it's starting on something that's easy to do. It's
S7: not threatening. Uh, you're not going to get into an argument.
S7: It's just you're just sharing life with each other and
S7: you just say to him, you know, I want to.
S7: I just feel like I want to know more of,
S7: of what's going on in your life and in your mind.
S7: And I want us to see if we can get
S7: closer together in terms of conversation, because when we retire
S7: and we're going to be stuck here in the House together,
S7: I'm not sure we can handle it if we don't
S7: learn how to talk to each each other. You know,
S7: that would be a start. And if they respond to
S7: either one of those simple ideas, chances are you'll begin
S7: to see yourself moving in a positive direction. Uh, if
S7: they say no to both of those ideas, uh, then
S7: there is a place to say to them, honey, I
S7: don't know how you feel, but I just feel like
S7: I've got to have counseling because I feel like we're just,
S7: we've drifted apart and we're not really sharing life with
S7: each other. And I would like for you to go
S7: with me. But even if you choose not to go,
S7: I'm going to go because I feel like I've got
S7: to have some help because I want us to have
S7: the kind of marriage that that is healthy and that
S7: we're into each other's lives and doing things together that
S7: we enjoy doing together. You know, that kind of open
S7: conversation lets him know where you are and how important
S7: you think this is. And if he doesn't want to
S7: go to counseling, which he may well not want to go,
S7: you go and at least you have someone that you
S7: can share your heart with in the counseling setting. And,
S7: and they can help you walk through things that might
S7: be helpful to you. Another idea, of course, is sharing
S7: a book together on marriage or any other topic for
S7: that matter, which means that each of you read a
S7: chapter in the same book and then share with each
S7: other anything that impressed you about the chapter, or anything
S7: you learned in the chapter that you thought might be helpful? Uh,
S7: it's just a way of having an outside voice that's
S7: speaking into the marriage just by the content of the chapter.
S7: That's especially helpful if you're reading a book on a marriage.
S7: On marriage. So those are my thoughts. Uh, but I'm
S7: very empathetic with your desire, uh, not to just continue
S7: to drift, but to take positive steps to share life
S7: with each other.
S6: As a spouse. Though if you ask, you know, what
S6: happened in your day and he comes back with the
S6: gas station, she could feel kind of frustrated by that.
S6: I'm looking for something deeper, but you never know. You
S6: could talk about the and I'm I'm frustrated with the
S6: gas prices too. So I think I'm glad you mentioned that.
S6: But also I you could use that as a memory jogger.
S6: Do you remember what, when you first started driving, do
S6: you remember how much gas was back then? And, and
S6: then he starts to talk about, yeah, you know, you
S6: open up that portal to the memory and something good
S6: might happen.
S7: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Whatever they share may, may trigger a
S7: question that you can ask exactly like you suggested, Chris.
S6: I mentioned earlier that we love to hear your feedback
S6: about the program, your response, and your encouragement. Here's a
S6: call that I think will give Gary a little boost.
S12: Hello, my name is Veronica and I was just calling
S12: to thank you for your podcast. I listened to it
S12: at least weekly, if not more than once a week.
S12: And I just wanted to thank you because I come
S12: from a very dysfunctional family where you didn't really have
S12: any stable relationships or examples of stable relationships to be
S12: able to emulate. So once again, thank you for your show.
S7: Well, Chris, obviously we like to hear words like that.
S7: And the reality is there are many people who came
S7: out of dysfunctional families and they're looking for help and
S7: wanting help. And that's what our program is all about.
S7: It's building relationships because life's deepest meaning is found in relationships.
S7: It's not in possessing things. The Bible is very clear
S7: about that. It's found in relationships, first of all with God,
S7: but then with our spouse or with family members or
S7: with friends. Uh, and so the principles we talk about
S7: on this program, uh, all are related to relationships. And
S7: so I'm glad that, uh, this, uh, lady took the
S7: opportunity just to say thank you. And I want to
S7: say thank you for listening to her and all the
S7: other listeners we have.
S6: Yeah. And from a dysfunctional family. And let's be honest,
S6: all of our family families are dysfunctional in some way.
S6: But to have that and then to hear from you
S6: and then guests, this idea of moving forward, I think,
S6: is one of the reasons why you here building relationships
S6: with Doctor Gary Chapman, who is the New York Times
S6: best selling author of the Five Love Languages. Here's another
S6: call for you, Gary, and some encouragement, along with a
S6: question about a family member who is struggling.
S13: Thank you so much for your ministry. You have been
S13: my counselor via the podcast for years and years, and
S13: I appreciate that. I've got a question about a son who, um,
S13: was a prodigal. He came home divorced and in very
S13: heavy debt. He lived with us for two years and
S13: was able to regroup and, um, he moved out. He's
S13: been gone for about a year and a half, and
S13: he's about to lose his job. We're thinking he might
S13: be coming home again the first time. I think we
S13: did have him draw up a contract and say, listen,
S13: this is what we expect. Uh, we didn't have very
S13: much of a relationship with him. He's away from the
S13: Lord and doesn't want to talk about Jesus things, does
S13: not want to eat any of my home cooked meals.
S13: Which is fine. I'm over that. But any advice that
S13: you could give my husband and I, we sure would
S13: appreciate it. Thank you very much.
S7: I think any mother or father in that situation would
S7: be greatly concerned and be asking the same kind of
S7: question that this caller is asking. You know, I wrote
S7: a book and really recently revised it. It's called, uh,
S7: Your New Life with Your Adult Children, in which I
S7: deal with these kind of issues. And what she said
S7: in terms of if he does ask to come back,
S7: she said, we had a contract. We had agreements on
S7: what we expected. That I think is very, very healthy. Uh,
S7: if he does decide to come back or ask if
S7: he can come back. You need to have a good
S7: conversation with each other. And in that book, I deal
S7: with the kind of things that you might want to
S7: talk about in that situation. Uh, one is what is
S7: the goal you are you coming back hoping to stay
S7: here for six more years or two more years or, uh,
S7: and what can we do to help you with the job?
S7: You know, how can we help you find a job?
S7: Because obviously that's part of the problem. Now, at this juncture,
S7: if he needs training to get new skills by going
S7: to a local, you know, technical college of some kind,
S7: picking up skills that will help him get a new
S7: job or a better job. But we don't want him
S7: just to come back and not be moving in the
S7: right direction. So having a good conversation with him about
S7: that and asking, uh, in what way can we help you?
S7: We don't want to just sit here and we don't
S7: want you just to sit here. We want you to
S7: be active in learning and growing because we want you
S7: to have a better life because, you know, you kind
S7: of discouraged yourself on your life. So those kind of
S7: really open conversations and we want, we want to love
S7: our adult children because God loves us even when we
S7: do wrong. But we want to help them. We don't
S7: want to just be sitting there letting them be in
S7: the house, but not helping them. And so help means
S7: that they have to reach out to get help. So
S7: I think you think you'd find that book to be
S7: very helpful. Uh, we can't control our adult children. And, uh, yes,
S7: it breaks our heart when they go through divorce and
S7: when they, you know, get a job and then lose
S7: a job. And maybe the reason he lost his job
S7: is not because he was a poor employee. Maybe there
S7: were other factors involved, uh, that did not relate to
S7: the potential of his work. But I think these kind
S7: of conversations need to be open and honest and loving
S7: because We. We want to love them no matter what.
S7: You know, the prodigal son's father did not go out
S7: and try to make him come home. He just kept
S7: the farm going so that when he did come home,
S7: there was something to come home to. So I would say,
S7: you know, keep your marriage strong and vibrant so that
S7: when there is if he does come back home, there's
S7: a home to come home to. And then you help
S7: him in whatever way you can. But yeah, it's hard.
S7: It's hard when you have a prodigal son who comes
S7: home and goes out and comes back. Has to come
S7: back home again. So open conversation and making some guidelines
S7: and decisions out of love. All the decisions ought to
S7: be out of love. That's. That's what God does. Every
S7: command God ever gave us is because he loves us.
S7: And if he said, don't do this, it's because he
S7: loved us. If he says, do this, it's because he
S7: loved us. So all of our guidelines ought to be
S7: because we love you, and we want to do the
S7: very best thing we can to help you.
S6: The other thing I love about that story is that
S6: the dad kept the calf fat for when the son
S6: came back and ready to have the party, you know,
S6: have have the food, the the book is Your New
S6: Life with Adult Children A Practical Guide to what helps,
S6: what hurts and what Heals. You can find out more
S6: about it at Building relationships.us. And let me just mention
S6: this something that she said, Gary. She mentioned the the
S6: home cooked meals that he doesn't want to eat, the
S6: home cooked meals. And you could hear just a little
S6: bit of the hurt inside. You know, I've moved on
S6: from I've worked through that. It's okay, but it almost
S6: feels like to me and maybe I'm reading too much
S6: in here. But her, her words or her love language
S6: might be acts of service. So when she makes this
S6: meal for her son, this is she's saying, I love
S6: you to him. And he says, I don't want that.
S6: You know, I want something else. So she has to
S6: deal with all of those complex feelings about, you know,
S6: showing love and not being accepted, doesn't she?
S7: Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And I don't understand the dynamics on that.
S7: I mean, why would a man not accept a good
S7: home cooked meal? You know, I don't know where he's
S7: coming from.
S6: I want to go with you over to her house
S6: and we'll eat. Right.
S7: Yeah. So I don't know what the dynamics are and
S7: what's going on in his mind. You know, that would
S7: make him not want to eat meals that she prepares.
S7: I don't know where that's coming from. You know, an
S7: open conversation with a counselor. Somebody might be able to
S7: figure out why, why he has those feelings or thoughts.
S7: But yeah, that's very strange. Yeah. But, you know, it
S7: does seem like she's worked through that. I'm willing to
S7: accept that, you know. Yes, yes. But she probably doesn't
S7: understand it either.
S6: Right. Well, and with that, we'll conclude this June edition
S6: of Dear Gary. As I mentioned earlier, 86642 for Gary.
S6: We'd love to hear your question, your comment maybe about
S6: something that you've heard today that you might hear your
S6: question in a fall edition of Dear Gary. And don't
S6: forget to check out our featured resource Screen Kids five
S6: Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech Driven World.
S6: You can find out more at Building relationships.us. Again, go
S6: to Building relationships.us.
S7: And next week, we'll begin our summer Best of Broadcast.
S7: And we'll begin with this question how do you speak
S7: life to your husband when all you want to do
S7: is yell at him?
S5: Don't miss Dave and Ann Wilson in one week. A
S5: big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and
S5: Janice backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a
S5: production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a
S5: Ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.