WEBVTT - Dear Gary | June 0:00:00.960 --> 0:00:05.560 Maybe sometime you could address the concept of fake validation. 0:00:05.760 --> 0:00:07.640 We don't communicate anymore. 0:00:07.760 --> 0:00:10.719 I'm looking at your materials. We don't see anything for 0:00:10.720 --> 0:00:12.040 people in their 80s. 0:00:12.280 --> 0:00:15.600 She always tells me that I never lived up to 0:00:15.640 --> 0:00:16.640 being a good mom. 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:23.120 Welcome to Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, New York 0:00:23.160 --> 0:00:27.440 Times best selling author of The Five Love Languages. Today, 0:00:27.440 --> 0:00:31.040 it's our Dear Gary broadcast for June. As Doctor Chapman 0:00:31.040 --> 0:00:34.800 takes a variety of questions about relationship struggles, the ups, 0:00:34.800 --> 0:00:38.520 the downs and there are some ups and downs represented today. 0:00:38.840 --> 0:00:41.880 As there always are, and some thank you's for Gary 0:00:41.880 --> 0:00:45.000 for his program and podcasts and books. One of those 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:49.480 books is our featured resource at Building relationships.us. You wrote 0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:54.040 this with Arlene Pelican, Screen Kids five Relational Skills Every 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:57.240 Child Needs in a Tech Driven World. You can find 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:02.540 out more about that at Building relationships.us. Gary, when your 0:01:02.540 --> 0:01:06.020 children were young, the screen was a television set. So 0:01:06.020 --> 0:01:08.340 this is kind of a whole new world, isn't it? 0:01:08.819 --> 0:01:12.619 Oh, absolutely. Chris. You know, we had clear rules. There 0:01:12.620 --> 0:01:15.819 were 3 or 4 programs that they could choose two, 0:01:15.860 --> 0:01:19.259 you know, 230 minute programs on TV. So they had 0:01:19.260 --> 0:01:22.420 some choice. But we that's all the TV they saw. 0:01:22.940 --> 0:01:26.500 And today, of course, yes. I mean, screens are controlling 0:01:26.500 --> 0:01:31.420 the world. Yeah. And parents are letting screens do all 0:01:31.420 --> 0:01:34.900 the babysitting and a lot of other stuff. So this 0:01:34.900 --> 0:01:37.459 book will help a lot of parents who are already 0:01:37.459 --> 0:01:39.940 struggling with, you know, how am I going to handle 0:01:39.940 --> 0:01:42.780 all this? You know, because it will give you help. 0:01:42.780 --> 0:01:45.940 You make some guidelines with your children because we want 0:01:45.940 --> 0:01:50.780 them to learn how to have skills in relationships, not 0:01:50.780 --> 0:01:54.100 just watching a screen, you know? So yeah, this book, 0:01:54.140 --> 0:01:56.780 I'm very excited about it. And of course, Arlene Pelikan, 0:01:56.820 --> 0:02:00.480 my co author on this book is just super in 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:01.040 this area. 0:02:01.440 --> 0:02:04.720 She is. And if you go to building relationships.us, you'll 0:02:04.720 --> 0:02:10.639 see that book screen kids building relationship.us. Now, Gary, this 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:13.440 is our last program before we take a summer break. 0:02:13.440 --> 0:02:16.480 So next week and all the way through July and August, 0:02:16.480 --> 0:02:20.280 you're going to hear best of broadcasts from this past year. 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:22.320 And we would love to hear a question or a 0:02:22.320 --> 0:02:25.440 comment from you over the summer. So call our listener line. 0:02:25.440 --> 0:02:27.640 I'll give it to you a couple times here. Eight, six, 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:37.560 642 for Gary and I'll slow down 1-866-424-4279. If there's 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:40.960 a question about relationships that you have as a parent, 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:50.000 as a friend, dating, marriage, whatever it is 86642 for Gary. 0:02:50.400 --> 0:02:54.600 And let me mention that July marks the 100th anniversary 0:02:54.600 --> 0:02:58.790 of Moody Radio. and I would like to hear from you. Gary, 0:02:58.830 --> 0:03:02.869 you were born 12 years after Moody Radio went on 0:03:02.870 --> 0:03:05.950 the air. So you've got a long history. You came 0:03:05.950 --> 0:03:10.070 to Moody Bible Institute around 1955 and you told me 0:03:10.070 --> 0:03:13.950 you didn't because you were so involved in classroom work, 0:03:13.950 --> 0:03:16.109 you didn't really pay much attention to what was on 0:03:16.110 --> 0:03:19.270 the radio. But here's my question. Did you ever think 0:03:19.310 --> 0:03:22.829 you would have a national program on Moody Radio when 0:03:22.830 --> 0:03:24.030 you studied at Moody? 0:03:24.750 --> 0:03:31.390 The short answer is no. Never, ever cross my mind. 0:03:31.750 --> 0:03:34.790 In fact, when Moody Radio came to me, I don't 0:03:34.870 --> 0:03:38.070 remember the year. You may remember Chris, but, uh. And 0:03:38.070 --> 0:03:41.550 asked if I'd be open to doing a radio program. Uh, 0:03:41.550 --> 0:03:46.590 my first response was, oh, I don't know. I'm a counselor. 0:03:46.710 --> 0:03:49.150 I mean, I listen to people I don't get on 0:03:49.150 --> 0:03:54.110 and talk, you know? I mean. And came back a 0:03:54.110 --> 0:03:56.410 little later and said, what if we got you a 0:03:56.410 --> 0:04:00.050 really good co-host? Would you be open to it? And 0:04:00.050 --> 0:04:03.810 I said, well, I'd pray about it. And they came back, Chris, 0:04:03.810 --> 0:04:07.410 and said, well, how about Chris and Andrea Fabbri? And I, 0:04:07.610 --> 0:04:10.490 by that time I knew about you guys. Okay. Yes, yes. 0:04:10.530 --> 0:04:13.050 And I said, oh, I'll pray about that. I didn't 0:04:13.050 --> 0:04:15.850 have to pray long. And I said, yeah, if they'd 0:04:15.850 --> 0:04:19.610 be my co-host, uh, I'll do it. And so here 0:04:19.610 --> 0:04:21.730 we have. How many years have we been going, Chris? 0:04:21.770 --> 0:04:25.570 Well, we started in 2007, so. Whatever. Do do the 0:04:25.570 --> 0:04:26.610 math in your head. 0:04:26.850 --> 0:04:28.049 I'm not good on math. 0:04:28.089 --> 0:04:33.810 It's been a long it's been a long, good journey together. And, uh, 0:04:33.810 --> 0:04:36.890 and Moody radio was a part of that brought us together. 0:04:36.890 --> 0:04:39.650 And you've spoken into a lot of people's lives. And 0:04:39.650 --> 0:04:42.130 so I just want to highlight that as we head 0:04:42.130 --> 0:04:46.970 into July, which is the 100th anniversary, Doctor Gary Chapman 0:04:46.970 --> 0:04:50.770 has been a part of that for the last since 2007. Uh, 0:04:50.770 --> 0:04:53.470 and here's one of the programs that we thought we 0:04:53.470 --> 0:04:56.390 would do just about every month. We have a what 0:04:56.390 --> 0:04:59.150 we call a Dear Gary broadcast, where people call in 0:04:59.150 --> 0:05:02.750 and ask you questions. And our first caller today has 0:05:02.750 --> 0:05:07.029 a program idea about a communication problem that she has. 0:05:07.029 --> 0:05:09.190 Here's her topic suggestion. 0:05:10.070 --> 0:05:13.470 Hi, Gary. I was just wondering if maybe sometime you 0:05:13.470 --> 0:05:21.550 could address the concept of fake validation or like validation, 0:05:21.710 --> 0:05:24.670 because that's something I've been experiencing in a relationship where 0:05:24.670 --> 0:05:28.150 it's almost like they pretend they're listening to me and 0:05:28.150 --> 0:05:32.310 pretend they're validating me. But like, in my gut, it 0:05:32.310 --> 0:05:37.430 feels like they're not, and they're actually kind of not 0:05:37.430 --> 0:05:42.230 believing me. So yeah, maybe you could cover that sometime. 0:05:42.470 --> 0:05:44.390 Thanks so much for all your work. Bye. 0:05:45.430 --> 0:05:48.070 Well, you can almost feel the pain in the voice 0:05:48.070 --> 0:05:51.270 of this caller. All of us like to be heard 0:05:51.770 --> 0:05:54.529 if we're talking, it's because we think we have something 0:05:54.529 --> 0:05:58.169 to say. And if the other person is just, you know, 0:05:59.490 --> 0:06:05.849 apparently listening and maybe even affirming, you know, with. Mhm. Uh, um, 0:06:07.690 --> 0:06:11.130 but in our mind, they come across to us as 0:06:11.170 --> 0:06:13.650 their mind somewhere else. They're not really listening to what 0:06:13.650 --> 0:06:17.130 we have to say because they don't have a response 0:06:17.130 --> 0:06:20.570 that solicits, you know, am I hearing what you're saying? 0:06:20.570 --> 0:06:22.250 Is this what you're saying? I want to I want 0:06:22.250 --> 0:06:24.529 to make sure I understand you. They're not asking those 0:06:24.529 --> 0:06:29.090 kind of questions. And that's, that's what changes the dynamic 0:06:29.410 --> 0:06:31.450 is when they're not only just sitting there in your 0:06:31.450 --> 0:06:35.210 presence listening to you talk, but they are asking you 0:06:35.250 --> 0:06:39.050 questions to make sure they understand what you're saying. That 0:06:39.050 --> 0:06:42.729 is an engaged listener. And that's what this, this caller 0:06:42.730 --> 0:06:46.729 is really longing for is an engaged listener, not just 0:06:46.730 --> 0:06:50.630 one that sits there and gives the impression that they're listening. 0:06:50.910 --> 0:06:53.270 But by the fact that they don't respond in any 0:06:53.270 --> 0:06:57.350 way to ask clarifying questions, or what are the implications 0:06:57.350 --> 0:06:59.710 of this? Or how might we apply what you're saying? 0:06:59.710 --> 0:07:01.670 Or is there anything I can do that would help 0:07:01.670 --> 0:07:04.270 what you're sharing? You know, they don't ask those questions. 0:07:04.270 --> 0:07:07.510 So there's no conversation going on really. And that's what 0:07:07.510 --> 0:07:09.190 that's what she's really asking for. 0:07:09.510 --> 0:07:12.230 Yeah. And, and truth, you know, I want to hear, 0:07:12.270 --> 0:07:14.510 even if you disagree with me or don't think I'm 0:07:14.510 --> 0:07:17.989 right in what I'm saying, tell me that rather than 0:07:18.030 --> 0:07:22.470 pretending I heard al and Autumn Rae say they're going 0:07:22.510 --> 0:07:26.310 to be our guests coming up, I believe, in the fall. Um. 0:07:26.550 --> 0:07:31.030 Being heard is so close to feeling loved that most 0:07:31.030 --> 0:07:34.270 people can't tell the difference. I think that's what kind 0:07:34.270 --> 0:07:35.910 of what she's talking about. Right? 0:07:36.150 --> 0:07:39.590 Yeah, I think you're right, Chris. We want to feel 0:07:39.590 --> 0:07:44.390 like that a person is interested in us enough that 0:07:44.390 --> 0:07:47.470 they really want to hear and understand what we're saying. 0:07:47.990 --> 0:07:50.740 And then yes, we want their feedback. If we're if 0:07:50.740 --> 0:07:54.260 it's a close relationship, like a marriage, we want their feedback. 0:07:54.260 --> 0:07:57.820 In fact, we should ask for their feedback. Uh, what 0:07:57.820 --> 0:08:01.260 do you think? Because I'm interested in your perspective. And 0:08:01.260 --> 0:08:05.220 when we take that approach also, we're encouraging, uh, active 0:08:05.220 --> 0:08:08.860 listening because we're actually asking for their feedback. What, what 0:08:08.860 --> 0:08:12.060 do you feel about this? Or how do you see this? And, 0:08:12.100 --> 0:08:15.340 and when you have that kind of interest, uh, they're 0:08:15.380 --> 0:08:17.580 far more likely to share because sometimes the reason they 0:08:17.580 --> 0:08:20.140 don't share where they are or don't ask questions is 0:08:20.140 --> 0:08:23.660 because they're afraid to get into an argument, particularly if 0:08:23.660 --> 0:08:26.900 that's been a pattern that they've established in their relationship. 0:08:27.780 --> 0:08:29.940 A featured resource today is the book Gary wrote with 0:08:29.940 --> 0:08:35.540 Arlene Pelican. Screen Kids five Relational Skills Every Child Needs 0:08:35.540 --> 0:08:38.100 in a Tech Driven World. You can find out more 0:08:38.100 --> 0:08:45.420 at the website Building relationships.us again, building relationships.us. Gary. I 0:08:45.460 --> 0:08:48.520 don't think we've ever had this issue come up in 0:08:48.520 --> 0:08:51.880 the last 19 years or so. When we started this program, 0:08:52.160 --> 0:08:55.199 and I'm interested in your reaction to our next caller. 0:08:56.200 --> 0:09:00.920 Essentially, we are newly married a year and a half. 0:09:01.520 --> 0:09:05.480 My first marriage was 54 years. My current wife's first 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:11.000 marriage was 64 years. When looking at your materials, we 0:09:11.040 --> 0:09:15.000 don't see anything for people in their 80s. Really? As 0:09:15.000 --> 0:09:19.360 a general, stuff might go. So are there documents? You 0:09:19.400 --> 0:09:23.160 get a teenage book, but you have a senior seniors book. 0:09:23.600 --> 0:09:27.080 Looking at looking for information that is suitable for us 0:09:27.440 --> 0:09:32.000 instead of these 30 year long marriages or whatever, which 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:36.280 are very short time as far as we're concerned. But 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:39.080 what do you want to go another 20? Talk to 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:39.640 you later. 0:09:41.160 --> 0:09:44.319 Okay. I got to jump in here. I for somebody 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:47.580 who's been married 30, 30 plus years is like a, 0:09:47.980 --> 0:09:51.460 you know, that's nothing compared with what we're going through. 0:09:51.940 --> 0:09:54.380 But and but I love what he said at the end. 0:09:54.420 --> 0:09:57.940 We want to go another 20 and, you know, okay, 0:09:57.980 --> 0:09:59.340 so what do you what do you say? 0:10:00.220 --> 0:10:02.460 Well, first of all, he's right. I've never written a 0:10:02.460 --> 0:10:06.900 book on that. Because what I heard him say is 0:10:06.900 --> 0:10:10.540 that one of them had been married to their original 0:10:10.540 --> 0:10:15.900 spouse 64 years and 154 years, and apparently both of 0:10:15.900 --> 0:10:19.340 them are deceased and they met each other in their 80s. 0:10:19.340 --> 0:10:23.980 And now they are trying to figure out how do 0:10:23.980 --> 0:10:27.300 we make marriage at this stage work for us? You know, 0:10:27.340 --> 0:10:30.660 I'm at that stage myself, but but my wife's still 0:10:30.660 --> 0:10:33.180 living and I hope she lives another 20 years, you know. 0:10:35.500 --> 0:10:38.500 In fact, she and I both have talked about if 0:10:38.500 --> 0:10:40.380 one of us died before the other, would the other 0:10:40.380 --> 0:10:43.620 one get remarried? You know, and my wife just said 0:10:43.620 --> 0:10:46.920 very dogmatically. No. Absolutely not. I'm not going to train 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:47.559 another one. 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:53.120 I can hear Carolyn say that. I believe you. 0:10:55.600 --> 0:10:59.319 And I honestly don't think I would get remarried either 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:02.040 if she died before I did. But, you know, one 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:05.400 never knows when you until you're going through experience. But 0:11:05.400 --> 0:11:09.199 but I hear the caller and and obviously at that 0:11:09.200 --> 0:11:12.760 stage of life, things are different and there are different 0:11:12.760 --> 0:11:16.200 things you have to be thinking about. Uh, because each 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:19.520 of you have a history, each of you have assets, 0:11:19.520 --> 0:11:24.199 financial assets, uh, each of you have families, extended families, 0:11:24.200 --> 0:11:28.319 very likely children, grandchildren, maybe great grandchildren at that point. 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:31.680 And so there's a lot more things to deal with. Uh, 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:35.200 when you're at that age and you're just getting married. Uh, 0:11:35.200 --> 0:11:38.840 so I don't know, Chris, if there are books out there, 0:11:38.840 --> 0:11:41.640 I would, I'd like to think that there are that 0:11:41.640 --> 0:11:44.660 deal with issues at that age. Maybe we can check 0:11:44.660 --> 0:11:46.980 that out. And if not, well, maybe I can do 0:11:46.980 --> 0:11:49.980 some research and write a book on that because. 0:11:50.140 --> 0:11:52.900 Well, you could write it with them, with that couple. Okay. 0:11:52.940 --> 0:11:53.220 So let. 0:11:53.220 --> 0:11:53.420 Me. 0:11:53.980 --> 0:11:57.780 Let me jump into that then in, in his situation, 0:11:57.780 --> 0:12:00.420 because one of the things that I think might happen 0:12:00.420 --> 0:12:03.180 if you've been married to somebody for 64 years and 0:12:03.179 --> 0:12:06.740 the other is 54 years, you have such a history. 0:12:06.940 --> 0:12:11.700 How do you deal with that lost spouse? You know, 0:12:11.780 --> 0:12:15.540 the spouse who's passed away? Do you and how do 0:12:15.540 --> 0:12:18.699 you not compare? Well, my husband used to and my 0:12:18.700 --> 0:12:21.380 wife used to and that kind of thing. How do 0:12:21.380 --> 0:12:25.300 you deal with that? You know, honor the the person 0:12:25.300 --> 0:12:28.060 who's passed away, but at the same time love the 0:12:28.059 --> 0:12:29.900 person who you're married to now. 0:12:30.380 --> 0:12:33.740 Yeah. Yeah, that would certainly be a key question because 0:12:33.740 --> 0:12:37.020 I think you're exactly right. There would be that tendency 0:12:37.220 --> 0:12:41.730 to expect your husband or your wife to do the 0:12:41.730 --> 0:12:44.410 kind of things that your former husband or wife did. 0:12:44.730 --> 0:12:46.929 And I would think that would be a point of 0:12:46.929 --> 0:12:50.690 contention in a lot of marriages at that juncture. Uh, 0:12:50.690 --> 0:12:53.490 and I think we'd have to I think there would 0:12:53.490 --> 0:12:57.610 be a lot of premarital counseling before you make a decision. 0:12:57.929 --> 0:12:59.730 I mean, you may think, well, we've been married before 0:12:59.730 --> 0:13:01.330 and we've done it for a long time. We know 0:13:01.330 --> 0:13:05.330 how to do this. But you're facing issues and a 0:13:05.370 --> 0:13:09.490 history that is coming together, and it's two different histories 0:13:09.490 --> 0:13:12.330 that are coming together. There is a sense in which 0:13:12.330 --> 0:13:15.650 I think it would be even more difficult, uh, in 0:13:15.690 --> 0:13:18.930 the 80s to be marrying after you've had a successful 0:13:18.929 --> 0:13:21.810 long marriage, to be marrying again to someone else. There's 0:13:21.809 --> 0:13:24.410 going to be issues you're facing that you really didn't 0:13:24.410 --> 0:13:27.970 face even in the first marriage. So yeah, I appreciate 0:13:27.970 --> 0:13:30.570 the call and I'm sorry we're not giving a really 0:13:30.570 --> 0:13:34.130 good answer in terms of specifics, but I do think 0:13:34.330 --> 0:13:37.089 that there are issues that need to be dealt with 0:13:37.290 --> 0:13:40.870 before you get married. And then I would also suggest 0:13:40.870 --> 0:13:44.630 as you run into problems, don't think you're too old 0:13:44.630 --> 0:13:45.750 to go for counseling. 0:13:46.070 --> 0:13:46.430 Mhm. 0:13:46.670 --> 0:13:49.910 I mean, seek out a Christian counselor and be honest 0:13:49.910 --> 0:13:52.510 about what you're struggling with, rather than just you get 0:13:52.510 --> 0:13:54.390 to the place where you're just kind of miserable with 0:13:54.390 --> 0:13:56.950 each other because, you know, you've got situations you can't 0:13:56.950 --> 0:14:00.550 you haven't been able to deal with. So, you know, 0:14:00.590 --> 0:14:03.670 be be mature enough, at least when you, when, if 0:14:03.710 --> 0:14:06.750 you do have struggles that you can't settle yourself to 0:14:06.790 --> 0:14:09.550 reach out to a Christian counselor and let them help you. 0:14:09.830 --> 0:14:14.430 Or the tension that comes from your kids or her kids. Yeah. 0:14:14.470 --> 0:14:16.750 And I've, I've heard that a lot, haven't you? 0:14:16.990 --> 0:14:20.910 Right. Absolutely. And because sometimes the kids don't want you 0:14:20.910 --> 0:14:23.870 to get married, right? Daddy, why are you getting married? 0:14:23.870 --> 0:14:28.510 You're 85 years old, you know, and they're thinking you're 0:14:28.510 --> 0:14:32.390 just compounding the problem here. Uh, you're you're you're you're 0:14:32.430 --> 0:14:36.350 going to pass on financially, whatever you have to, to, 0:14:36.430 --> 0:14:39.170 to those of us who are children. But what are 0:14:39.170 --> 0:14:41.690 her children going to think about that? And have you 0:14:41.690 --> 0:14:43.970 all settled this before you get married? How are you 0:14:43.970 --> 0:14:47.570 going to handle the finances and and her whatever assets 0:14:47.570 --> 0:14:50.170 she has and assets you have, and the house that 0:14:50.170 --> 0:14:53.410 she probably owns, the house that you own. And, and, 0:14:53.450 --> 0:14:56.490 you know, so I think you need to consider your 0:14:56.490 --> 0:15:00.810 children's concerns. And I would say even before you get married, uh, 0:15:00.850 --> 0:15:03.810 talk with your children about it and let them know, 0:15:03.850 --> 0:15:06.130 you know, what you're thinking in terms of how to 0:15:06.170 --> 0:15:09.290 handle all those kind of things. Because the more you 0:15:09.290 --> 0:15:13.170 information you give them upfront, the less likely they're going 0:15:13.210 --> 0:15:15.890 to be super, super disturbed with the fact that you're 0:15:15.890 --> 0:15:19.330 getting you're getting married again. There's a lot of issues 0:15:19.330 --> 0:15:24.330 there with, with your adult children and even your grandchildren. 0:15:24.810 --> 0:15:27.560 So I'm not saying you shouldn't get married at 80 0:15:27.560 --> 0:15:31.410 or 85 or whatever. I'm just saying you need to 0:15:31.450 --> 0:15:34.970 really think your way through and deal with the issues 0:15:34.970 --> 0:15:38.190 before you get married. That will help make things a 0:15:38.190 --> 0:15:40.190 lot easier for you and for your children. 0:15:40.390 --> 0:15:43.270 And isn't it interesting how communication comes up? You know, 0:15:43.310 --> 0:15:46.270 communicating with your kids. This is what's going on. And 0:15:46.270 --> 0:15:48.070 if you keep it a secret and you know the 0:15:48.070 --> 0:15:51.310 ramifications of that. Okay. Great call. Thank you. If you 0:15:51.310 --> 0:15:57.190 have a question for Doctor Chapman 866424. Gary leave a message. 0:15:57.350 --> 0:15:59.310 We're going to come back in the fall and answer 0:15:59.310 --> 0:16:03.470 some of these questions that we get over the summer. 866424. Gary. 0:16:03.630 --> 0:16:06.670 Next up is a mom in a difficult situation. 0:16:07.550 --> 0:16:12.710 Hi doctor. Gary my question is about my daughter my 0:16:12.710 --> 0:16:18.150 adult daughter. She's 41. According to her, she always wanted 0:16:18.150 --> 0:16:20.790 to have a relationship with me when she was young. 0:16:20.790 --> 0:16:24.270 When she was a teenager, I thought I was doing 0:16:24.270 --> 0:16:28.590 the best that I could. But apparently she always tells 0:16:28.590 --> 0:16:32.270 me that I just never lived up to being a 0:16:32.270 --> 0:16:35.210 good mom. She said she has forgiven me, but she 0:16:35.210 --> 0:16:39.210 brings it up often, and I can tell in her 0:16:39.690 --> 0:16:43.090 demeanor and the way that she talks about me, that 0:16:43.090 --> 0:16:47.050 she has resentment. Now I can live with that, although 0:16:47.050 --> 0:16:50.130 it hurts very much. But I do want her prayers 0:16:50.130 --> 0:16:54.090 to be answered. She now has a teenage daughter that 0:16:54.090 --> 0:16:59.370 is sort of rebelling. My first granddaughter that I love dearly. 0:16:59.730 --> 0:17:03.610 She's a good kid, but she's sort of rebelling and 0:17:03.610 --> 0:17:08.890 she has asked me for forgiveness in front of my granddaughter, 0:17:09.369 --> 0:17:11.530 and I tell her it's never too late to ask 0:17:11.530 --> 0:17:15.330 for forgiveness and I forgive you. I love you, and 0:17:15.330 --> 0:17:21.290 I have asked for forgiveness to her for my shortcomings 0:17:21.290 --> 0:17:24.570 as a mom, because I know I have them. I 0:17:24.609 --> 0:17:29.290 can't recall anything major that I did, but back in 0:17:29.330 --> 0:17:32.530 that day, my life was a blur. So I don't 0:17:32.530 --> 0:17:38.240 want to minimize her feelings and her reasons, although they're 0:17:38.240 --> 0:17:41.560 not clear to me how I am such a bad mom. 0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:46.040 But I do want her to forgive me, genuinely, because 0:17:46.040 --> 0:17:48.440 I know how important it is for your prayers to 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:52.520 be answered. Not holding a grudge, especially to your mom. 0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:56.760 I personally had issues with my mom and at the 0:17:56.760 --> 0:18:01.680 end of her life, got to really forgive her and 0:18:01.680 --> 0:18:05.200 it made a difference. So that's my question, doctor Gary, 0:18:05.400 --> 0:18:09.120 what can I do to make sure that she genuinely 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:13.160 forgives me and that she doesn't hold any bitterness? Is 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:16.280 there a way? Thank you so much. 0:18:17.240 --> 0:18:21.240 Well, Chris, I would, you know, wonder how many conversations 0:18:21.240 --> 0:18:25.120 they have had about this issue. Uh, you know, whether 0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:27.960 it was just 1 or 2, you know, really big 0:18:27.960 --> 0:18:32.460 moments that they, the daughter shared these things with her 0:18:33.060 --> 0:18:36.659 or whether it's just she just talks about it continually 0:18:37.140 --> 0:18:41.460 because these kind of things don't get resolved without conversations. 0:18:42.380 --> 0:18:47.179 And so the ideal thing is if a mother gets 0:18:47.220 --> 0:18:50.940 the message in any way she does, that her adult 0:18:50.940 --> 0:18:54.580 daughter felt like she was not a good mother would 0:18:54.580 --> 0:18:58.140 be to ask questions and to say, you know, I 0:18:58.220 --> 0:19:00.620 want to know how you feel. I want to know 0:19:00.619 --> 0:19:04.060 what you felt growing up because, you know, I can't 0:19:04.060 --> 0:19:07.660 read your mind. And I didn't know you were feeling 0:19:07.660 --> 0:19:10.700 certain ways. But I want to know because I want 0:19:10.700 --> 0:19:15.300 to apologize for anything that I've done that was hurtful 0:19:15.300 --> 0:19:19.380 and wrong or anything I failed to do. So Will, 0:19:19.380 --> 0:19:22.180 will you? I just want to listen and and ask 0:19:22.180 --> 0:19:25.180 you to share with me. And don't don't worry about 0:19:25.180 --> 0:19:28.660 hurting me because I'll be more hurt if you don't. 0:19:28.740 --> 0:19:31.560 If you don't share them with me and let her 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:35.760 honestly share. And don't defend yourself at all. Just listen 0:19:35.760 --> 0:19:40.240 to her perception of what life was like with you 0:19:40.240 --> 0:19:43.920 as her mother, and maybe even take some notes as 0:19:43.920 --> 0:19:46.880 she's talking to show that you're sincerely trying to hear 0:19:46.880 --> 0:19:49.600 what she's saying and ask her questions. Is this what 0:19:49.600 --> 0:19:52.439 you're saying? I just want to make sure that I 0:19:52.440 --> 0:19:56.840 understand you and having that kind of in depth conversation. 0:19:57.160 --> 0:20:02.080 And if, if it if you think that's impossible with her, uh, 0:20:02.080 --> 0:20:04.840 just the two of you and maybe do it in 0:20:04.840 --> 0:20:08.280 the presence of a counselor who can help each of 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:11.119 you hear each other and understand each other as if 0:20:11.160 --> 0:20:13.840 you tried this and there's been explosions in the middle of, 0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:18.119 you know, trying to be open and honest. Uh, let 0:20:18.160 --> 0:20:20.879 a third party be there. They can help you process that. 0:20:21.160 --> 0:20:25.760 But I do think that's the first essential is hearing 0:20:25.800 --> 0:20:29.820 the daughter out and not trying to defend yourself, but 0:20:29.820 --> 0:20:34.419 just trying to understand where where she felt. Because if 0:20:34.420 --> 0:20:38.020 she felt it, then emotionally, that's what she experienced. It 0:20:38.020 --> 0:20:41.020 was not necessarily your intention at all in what you 0:20:41.020 --> 0:20:44.620 did or didn't do, but it's what she felt and 0:20:44.619 --> 0:20:48.140 that's what's influenced her, that she is looking back and 0:20:48.140 --> 0:20:50.420 feeling like that. She had failed her in some ways. 0:20:50.859 --> 0:20:55.619 So there has to be an openness to hear her 0:20:55.660 --> 0:21:01.700 perceptions of how you failed before you can apologize sincerely. Uh, 0:21:01.700 --> 0:21:05.500 and then you apologize sincerely, not just by saying I'm sorry, 0:21:06.100 --> 0:21:08.140 but by I don't know if you've read my book 0:21:08.140 --> 0:21:11.220 on the five apology languages, but if you haven't, I 0:21:11.220 --> 0:21:14.180 suggest you read it because it helps you know how 0:21:14.180 --> 0:21:18.300 to apologize in a sincere way, a way that's meaningful 0:21:18.300 --> 0:21:20.820 to the other person. Because just to say I'm sorry 0:21:21.180 --> 0:21:24.660 is is not, though that's the most common apology. It's 0:21:24.660 --> 0:21:28.880 the least effective apology in terms of coming across as sincere. 0:21:29.520 --> 0:21:34.000 And so I think hearing it first and then sincerely apologizing, 0:21:34.440 --> 0:21:37.400 and not necessarily that you were morally wrong, but that 0:21:37.400 --> 0:21:41.040 you see what you're what your behavior, the impact it 0:21:41.040 --> 0:21:44.600 had on her, and you're apologizing and you're, you're saying, 0:21:44.600 --> 0:21:47.440 I wish I had never done that, you know, and 0:21:47.440 --> 0:21:49.960 you're asking, uh, you know, what can I do at 0:21:49.960 --> 0:21:52.280 this point that would make it up to you? That would, 0:21:52.720 --> 0:21:56.080 that would, you know, show you that I'm sincere. That's 0:21:56.080 --> 0:21:59.760 what you want to to experience is a sincere apology. 0:21:59.960 --> 0:22:04.480 After you hear the reality of what she's thinking and feeling. Now, 0:22:04.480 --> 0:22:06.959 I don't know what her you say her her daughter, 0:22:06.960 --> 0:22:11.240 your granddaughter is, is a kind of a rebellious stage. Uh, 0:22:11.240 --> 0:22:15.240 obviously many teenagers go through that, but, uh, I think 0:22:15.240 --> 0:22:17.800 the book The Five Love Languages of Teenagers would be 0:22:17.800 --> 0:22:20.880 a good book for her, your daughter, to have to 0:22:20.920 --> 0:22:23.760 read to understand her own daughter, if she hasn't read 0:22:23.760 --> 0:22:26.270 it and is not familiar with the five love languages, 0:22:26.630 --> 0:22:30.350 because there's a possibility that her daughter is growing up 0:22:30.350 --> 0:22:33.510 feeling unloved as well. Because if we don't speak their 0:22:33.510 --> 0:22:36.389 love language, even though we love them in our hearts, 0:22:36.630 --> 0:22:39.310 they don't feel loved. And that may be a part 0:22:39.310 --> 0:22:43.150 of the situation with your your adult daughter. Perhaps you 0:22:43.150 --> 0:22:46.149 did not speak her love language. Consequently, she did not 0:22:46.150 --> 0:22:49.310 feel loved even though you loved her. That's why I 0:22:49.310 --> 0:22:51.470 say to parents the question is not do you love 0:22:51.470 --> 0:22:55.709 your children? The question is, do they feel loved? Because 0:22:55.710 --> 0:22:58.469 if they don't feel loved, then it's going to show 0:22:58.470 --> 0:23:01.710 up in their behavior toward you and in life. And 0:23:01.910 --> 0:23:05.190 a teenage daughter who is a rebellious toward her mother. 0:23:05.390 --> 0:23:08.190 It may well be that she is. She doesn't feel loved. 0:23:08.710 --> 0:23:10.990 So that would be a good gift for you to 0:23:11.030 --> 0:23:13.870 give your daughter. And, and you. And you can read 0:23:13.869 --> 0:23:16.510 it yourself and say to her, I wish I had 0:23:16.510 --> 0:23:19.390 read this when you were a teenager, you know. But 0:23:19.390 --> 0:23:24.450 it's communication. It's sincere, open communication that that will bring healing. 0:23:24.450 --> 0:23:26.570 And if you can't do it, just the two of you, 0:23:26.810 --> 0:23:29.290 then ask your daughter if she's willing to go for 0:23:29.290 --> 0:23:32.290 counseling with you so that you can together work through this. 0:23:32.730 --> 0:23:36.490 Two resources there. The five languages of teenagers. Five love 0:23:36.490 --> 0:23:40.730 languages of teenagers, the secret to loving teens effectively, and 0:23:40.730 --> 0:23:44.370 then the five apology languages. The secret to healthy relationships 0:23:44.369 --> 0:23:47.570 that you wrote with Doctor Jennifer Thomas. You can find 0:23:47.570 --> 0:23:53.729 those at the website building relationships.us, building relationships.us. And the 0:23:53.770 --> 0:23:57.570 really positive thing here, Gary, is that her daughter, even 0:23:57.609 --> 0:24:01.570 though she's hurt, she's talking. There are so many calls 0:24:01.570 --> 0:24:03.530 that we get here from parents who said, my kids 0:24:03.530 --> 0:24:05.449 won't have any, you know, I can't call them. I 0:24:05.450 --> 0:24:09.169 can't see the grandkids. You know, they've shut me out. 0:24:09.450 --> 0:24:12.890 At least her daughter is talking with her. That is 0:24:12.890 --> 0:24:14.369 a good sign, isn't it? 0:24:14.609 --> 0:24:16.930 It is a good sign. In fact, it's the starting 0:24:16.930 --> 0:24:21.210 place when there's a relationship fracture is for the one 0:24:21.210 --> 0:24:25.950 who feels like they were hurt or treated unfairly. To 0:24:25.990 --> 0:24:29.630 verbalize it in a positive way as you can, but 0:24:29.630 --> 0:24:33.990 a realistic way. And so yeah, that's why the whole 0:24:33.990 --> 0:24:37.430 thing of communicating those things, it's a process that we 0:24:37.430 --> 0:24:39.710 have to go through if we're going to find healing. 0:24:46.070 --> 0:24:50.270 This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:24:50.310 --> 0:24:54.590 We have some great resources for you at building relationships.us. 0:24:54.869 --> 0:24:57.630 You'll find a list of seminar locations coming up for 0:24:57.630 --> 0:25:01.430 Doctor Chapman and find out about our featured resource, which 0:25:01.430 --> 0:25:05.030 is the book Gary wrote with Arlene Pelikan. Screen Kids 0:25:05.030 --> 0:25:09.270 five Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech Driven World. 0:25:09.590 --> 0:25:14.190 Just go to building relationships.us or find us at five 0:25:14.230 --> 0:25:15.950 love languages.com. 0:25:16.750 --> 0:25:21.169 Again, the website building relationships.us. And let me give you 0:25:21.170 --> 0:25:23.490 our number, where you can ask Doctor Chapman a question 0:25:23.490 --> 0:25:29.330 or give some encouragement. 866424. Gary the question that you ask, 0:25:29.369 --> 0:25:33.210 the comment that you make about some relational struggle or 0:25:33.250 --> 0:25:36.889 relational high point might help somebody else who's going to 0:25:36.890 --> 0:25:45.450 be listening. 1-866-424-4279. I want you to hear from a caller, Gary, 0:25:45.490 --> 0:25:49.010 who resonated with something on a previous program. Here we go. 0:25:49.770 --> 0:25:53.889 Hi, Gary. I'm listening to the program this morning. Um, 0:25:54.090 --> 0:25:57.369 my marriage has been 37 years, so this is a comment. 0:25:57.770 --> 0:26:01.530 I had to do exactly what you had stated in 0:26:01.530 --> 0:26:06.330 regards to wanting this relationship to work. Um, that we 0:26:06.330 --> 0:26:08.649 needed to either go for counseling or I'm going to 0:26:08.650 --> 0:26:12.250 have to just take a break and see how badly 0:26:12.250 --> 0:26:16.050 you want this. And, um, it's really neat. God's been 0:26:16.050 --> 0:26:19.879 working in our lives. We're putting him first And I'm 0:26:19.880 --> 0:26:24.680 just I'm blessed to see how he is working this 0:26:24.680 --> 0:26:27.879 relationship out. So I wanted to share that. Thank you. 0:26:28.800 --> 0:26:32.520 Well, Chris, it's always encouraging when listeners take action, which 0:26:32.520 --> 0:26:35.320 is what she did, you know, reaching out and getting 0:26:35.320 --> 0:26:40.560 help and now experiencing the value of that. So yeah, yeah, 0:26:40.880 --> 0:26:43.639 if we don't do something, things don't get better. We 0:26:43.680 --> 0:26:47.000 have to take action. And so she took action. And that, 0:26:47.000 --> 0:26:48.800 that I think is the lesson all of us need 0:26:48.800 --> 0:26:52.040 to learn. Do something that will be constructive. 0:26:52.320 --> 0:26:55.080 I love that she said us, God's working on us 0:26:55.080 --> 0:26:58.800 is not just fix him. You know, God's working on us. 0:26:59.040 --> 0:27:02.000 That is a positive statement, isn't it? 0:27:02.040 --> 0:27:03.919 Absolutely, absolutely. 0:27:04.400 --> 0:27:07.119 She is right in the middle of a marriage struggle 0:27:07.119 --> 0:27:09.639 and in the middle of one of your books. Gary, 0:27:09.680 --> 0:27:10.960 here's our next caller. 0:27:11.880 --> 0:27:16.640 Hi, Gary. I am currently listening to your book, Loving 0:27:16.640 --> 0:27:20.100 Your Spouse when You feel like walking away. I am 0:27:20.100 --> 0:27:25.940 on chapter 13 and I have been going through various 0:27:25.940 --> 0:27:29.700 trials and tribulations in my marriage, and I've been trying 0:27:29.700 --> 0:27:33.340 to reconcile with my husband, and we've gone to numerous 0:27:33.580 --> 0:27:39.380 counseling sessions. And can you recommend a counselor in my 0:27:39.380 --> 0:27:45.619 area close by, where we can potentially seek counseling from 0:27:45.660 --> 0:27:52.620 a therapist that maybe has the same processes and views 0:27:52.619 --> 0:27:56.020 that you do to kind of help us potentially find 0:27:56.020 --> 0:27:58.860 out if we can stay married or ultimately we need 0:27:58.859 --> 0:28:01.940 to go our separate ways. And again, I am just 0:28:01.980 --> 0:28:04.300 at my wit's end and I'm looking for some type 0:28:04.300 --> 0:28:08.100 of resolve in my marriage. I do not want to 0:28:08.100 --> 0:28:10.140 give up on it. I do love my husband, but 0:28:10.140 --> 0:28:15.659 he is very, very difficult. I have no nothing else 0:28:15.700 --> 0:28:18.240 to do. I don't know what else to do. Thank 0:28:18.240 --> 0:28:19.080 you for your time. 0:28:20.080 --> 0:28:23.360 Well, Chris, I appreciate her call because she's acknowledging that 0:28:23.359 --> 0:28:26.400 she really wants to make things different. She wants to 0:28:26.400 --> 0:28:28.840 follow the message of that book, loving your spouse when 0:28:28.840 --> 0:28:32.480 you feel like walking away. But she's struggling and she's, 0:28:32.520 --> 0:28:35.800 she's asking for, you know, advice on where to find 0:28:35.800 --> 0:28:39.680 a counselor. I don't know any counselors personally that live 0:28:39.680 --> 0:28:42.560 in her city, but I will give you two suggestions. 0:28:42.720 --> 0:28:46.400 Number one, focus on the family, the radio program, focus 0:28:46.400 --> 0:28:49.240 on the family. You can Google them. They have over 0:28:49.240 --> 0:28:53.720 20 counselors on their staff who will hear your story here, 0:28:53.720 --> 0:28:56.360 where you are. And then they have a list of 0:28:56.360 --> 0:29:00.320 counselors around the around the country that they can make recommendations. 0:29:00.320 --> 0:29:03.000 They don't do long term counseling themselves, but they'll hear 0:29:03.000 --> 0:29:05.800 your story, see where you are, and then they will 0:29:05.840 --> 0:29:08.440 they will give you information on how to contact the 0:29:08.440 --> 0:29:12.880 Christian counselor in your area. There's another organization called American 0:29:12.880 --> 0:29:18.420 Association of Christian Councillors a a c c. American Association 0:29:18.420 --> 0:29:21.500 of Christian Counselors. And I think you can Google them 0:29:21.500 --> 0:29:25.020 as well. They have a thing on their website where 0:29:25.020 --> 0:29:28.060 you can put in your zip code, and they will 0:29:28.060 --> 0:29:31.860 send you a list of counselors, Christian counselors in your area, 0:29:32.340 --> 0:29:34.980 and you can call them and share a little bit 0:29:34.980 --> 0:29:37.979 about your situation and ask, you know, is this the 0:29:37.980 --> 0:29:41.460 sort of thing that that you that you could perhaps 0:29:41.460 --> 0:29:44.460 help us with? So those will be my two suggestions 0:29:44.460 --> 0:29:46.660 in terms of trying to find a Christian counselor. The 0:29:46.660 --> 0:29:51.660 other suggestion would be that you call a pastor of 0:29:51.660 --> 0:29:55.980 a church in your area, particularly maybe a church that 0:29:55.980 --> 0:29:59.380 you know or you trust, and ask them if they 0:29:59.380 --> 0:30:02.780 have a Christian counselors in the area they could recommend, 0:30:02.780 --> 0:30:07.940 because many times Christian counselors have built a relationship with, 0:30:07.940 --> 0:30:11.260 with Christian pastors. So that would be another option on 0:30:11.260 --> 0:30:12.100 the local level. 0:30:12.460 --> 0:30:14.040 And that's one of the reasons why I wanted to 0:30:14.040 --> 0:30:16.800 hear what you would say, because you cannot count. We 0:30:16.800 --> 0:30:18.960 get calls and say, Gary, you need to counsel. You 0:30:18.960 --> 0:30:21.640 need to talk to my husband or my wife or, 0:30:21.880 --> 0:30:24.880 you know, tell me this counselor, and you don't know 0:30:24.880 --> 0:30:28.960 every counselor in the country. But I really appreciate her 0:30:29.440 --> 0:30:32.600 desire to I want to be, you know, go in 0:30:32.600 --> 0:30:35.840 a biblical way in this the way that you have 0:30:35.960 --> 0:30:39.320 done your own books and counseling in this program. I 0:30:39.320 --> 0:30:41.239 want to go that way. And I don't want to 0:30:41.240 --> 0:30:45.280 get sidetracked. So I appreciate the, you know, the heart 0:30:45.280 --> 0:30:46.160 of her call. 0:30:46.560 --> 0:30:47.200 Yes. 0:30:47.600 --> 0:30:49.440 And if you have a question like that, that you'd 0:30:49.440 --> 0:30:55.320 like Doctor Chapman to answer 86642 for Gary. Now here's 0:30:55.320 --> 0:30:58.040 a great question for you because I sense in this 0:30:58.040 --> 0:31:01.400 caller some concern. But there's also some hope for her 0:31:01.400 --> 0:31:04.960 long term relationship with her spouse. Here's our next caller. 0:31:05.680 --> 0:31:10.640 Hi, Gary. I am in a 36 year relationship with 0:31:10.640 --> 0:31:16.950 my husband. It's not a horrible relationship whatsoever, but we 0:31:16.990 --> 0:31:22.070 don't communicate anymore. We've gotten used to our daily grind, 0:31:22.750 --> 0:31:29.070 you know, jobs, family, community, whatever has taken us away 0:31:29.070 --> 0:31:35.070 from each other. And we are looking into retirement, and 0:31:35.070 --> 0:31:39.750 I just can't see what retirement looks like with someone 0:31:39.750 --> 0:31:44.270 that I have not communicated with for years and where 0:31:44.270 --> 0:31:47.830 I don't feel like we mesh anymore. I don't feel 0:31:47.830 --> 0:31:51.870 like we are a couple. It almost feels like we 0:31:51.870 --> 0:31:57.830 are married, but roommates. So I just want to know, 0:31:57.830 --> 0:32:02.990 how do we move from that to retirement and have 0:32:02.990 --> 0:32:05.190 a happy life for the rest of our lives? Because 0:32:05.390 --> 0:32:08.150 we don't want to get divorced. We don't. We don't 0:32:08.150 --> 0:32:10.810 want it to go down that path. We want to 0:32:10.810 --> 0:32:15.450 try to work on it and fix it and grow 0:32:15.970 --> 0:32:20.210 to the next chapter in our life. So whatever you 0:32:20.210 --> 0:32:23.729 can help us with, I would appreciate it. Thank you. 0:32:25.050 --> 0:32:27.810 Well, I'm empathetic with the caller, and I think there 0:32:27.810 --> 0:32:30.810 are many couples in our country who can identify with 0:32:30.810 --> 0:32:35.970 what she's saying. They are being civil to each other, 0:32:36.130 --> 0:32:39.250 but they're not really sharing life with each other. I 0:32:39.250 --> 0:32:42.290 think there's several things that can be done, steps that 0:32:42.290 --> 0:32:46.810 can be made. I'm assuming here that you're Christians. One 0:32:46.810 --> 0:32:51.730 would be to get a devotional book that's related to marriage. Uh, 0:32:51.730 --> 0:32:53.650 I wrote one, but there's a lot of others out 0:32:53.650 --> 0:32:56.750 there as well. The one I wrote is the one 0:32:56.750 --> 0:33:02.450 Minute Love Language devotional. It's for every day of the year. Uh, 0:33:02.610 --> 0:33:06.290 it's a year long devotional. There's a scripture verse, there's 0:33:06.330 --> 0:33:08.989 a brief devotional on the Scripture verse, and there's a 0:33:08.990 --> 0:33:13.150 printed prayer. If you got that and said to your husband, 0:33:13.190 --> 0:33:17.710 you know, could we could we try something together here 0:33:17.990 --> 0:33:20.710 and find out a time? We could just sit down 0:33:20.710 --> 0:33:24.790 and just take 3 minutes or 5 minutes and just 0:33:25.110 --> 0:33:31.430 expose ourselves together to something scriptural and something related to marriage. 0:33:31.950 --> 0:33:34.070 And one day you could read it and one day 0:33:34.070 --> 0:33:36.110 he could read it. You just go back and forth. 0:33:36.590 --> 0:33:41.830 It's a setting in which you're focusing on hearing something 0:33:41.830 --> 0:33:44.950 from God, hearing, hearing a principle from Scripture that can 0:33:44.950 --> 0:33:48.150 be helpful to you, and also hearing each other pray 0:33:48.390 --> 0:33:50.750 a prayer, even though it's a you're reading a prayer, 0:33:50.750 --> 0:33:53.710 but you're hearing each other pray, that could open up 0:33:53.710 --> 0:33:59.710 the climate to begin to have more conversation. And then 0:34:00.070 --> 0:34:04.070 a second thing, uh, having done that would be to say, 0:34:04.190 --> 0:34:06.630 you know, honey, I don't know how you feel, but 0:34:06.630 --> 0:34:11.129 I just feel like we're kind of roommates and we're 0:34:11.130 --> 0:34:14.170 not talking to each other. And I don't know what 0:34:14.170 --> 0:34:18.370 you're thinking and you don't know what I'm thinking. Could 0:34:18.370 --> 0:34:21.650 we maybe if you're having a meal together, could we 0:34:21.890 --> 0:34:25.330 after the meal, each of us just share two things 0:34:25.770 --> 0:34:29.690 that happen in our lives that day and how we 0:34:29.690 --> 0:34:32.450 feel about it. And they can be positive things or 0:34:32.450 --> 0:34:35.570 they can be negative things. You know, he can say, well, 0:34:35.570 --> 0:34:38.290 one thing that happened today, I stopped on the way 0:34:38.290 --> 0:34:41.770 home and got gas at the gas station and she said, well, 0:34:41.810 --> 0:34:44.489 how did you feel about that? He said, well, I 0:34:44.489 --> 0:34:47.210 felt angry. I looked at the price and I felt angry. 0:34:47.410 --> 0:34:49.450 I mean, they don't have to be heavy duty things. 0:34:50.010 --> 0:34:53.089 It's just he shares two things that happened in his life. 0:34:53.090 --> 0:34:55.130 And you share two things that happened in your life. 0:34:55.290 --> 0:34:58.609 They don't have to be huge things. That's a starting point, 0:34:58.610 --> 0:35:01.169 and it's starting on something that's easy to do. It's 0:35:01.170 --> 0:35:04.610 not threatening. Uh, you're not going to get into an argument. 0:35:04.650 --> 0:35:07.190 It's just you're just sharing life with each other and 0:35:07.190 --> 0:35:09.029 you just say to him, you know, I want to. 0:35:09.070 --> 0:35:11.270 I just feel like I want to know more of, 0:35:11.270 --> 0:35:14.150 of what's going on in your life and in your mind. 0:35:14.190 --> 0:35:16.310 And I want us to see if we can get 0:35:16.310 --> 0:35:19.870 closer together in terms of conversation, because when we retire 0:35:20.510 --> 0:35:22.870 and we're going to be stuck here in the House together, 0:35:22.870 --> 0:35:24.669 I'm not sure we can handle it if we don't 0:35:24.670 --> 0:35:27.469 learn how to talk to each each other. You know, 0:35:27.510 --> 0:35:31.029 that would be a start. And if they respond to 0:35:31.070 --> 0:35:34.710 either one of those simple ideas, chances are you'll begin 0:35:34.710 --> 0:35:38.310 to see yourself moving in a positive direction. Uh, if 0:35:38.310 --> 0:35:41.670 they say no to both of those ideas, uh, then 0:35:41.670 --> 0:35:43.669 there is a place to say to them, honey, I 0:35:43.670 --> 0:35:46.710 don't know how you feel, but I just feel like 0:35:46.710 --> 0:35:50.150 I've got to have counseling because I feel like we're just, 0:35:50.190 --> 0:35:53.629 we've drifted apart and we're not really sharing life with 0:35:53.630 --> 0:35:55.989 each other. And I would like for you to go 0:35:56.030 --> 0:35:58.350 with me. But even if you choose not to go, 0:35:58.390 --> 0:36:01.469 I'm going to go because I feel like I've got 0:36:01.469 --> 0:36:04.620 to have some help because I want us to have 0:36:04.620 --> 0:36:08.339 the kind of marriage that that is healthy and that 0:36:08.340 --> 0:36:11.259 we're into each other's lives and doing things together that 0:36:11.260 --> 0:36:14.100 we enjoy doing together. You know, that kind of open 0:36:14.100 --> 0:36:18.220 conversation lets him know where you are and how important 0:36:18.219 --> 0:36:20.900 you think this is. And if he doesn't want to 0:36:20.900 --> 0:36:23.540 go to counseling, which he may well not want to go, 0:36:24.060 --> 0:36:27.460 you go and at least you have someone that you 0:36:27.460 --> 0:36:31.500 can share your heart with in the counseling setting. And, 0:36:31.500 --> 0:36:33.620 and they can help you walk through things that might 0:36:33.620 --> 0:36:37.180 be helpful to you. Another idea, of course, is sharing 0:36:37.180 --> 0:36:40.620 a book together on marriage or any other topic for 0:36:40.660 --> 0:36:42.779 that matter, which means that each of you read a 0:36:42.780 --> 0:36:46.660 chapter in the same book and then share with each 0:36:46.660 --> 0:36:50.420 other anything that impressed you about the chapter, or anything 0:36:50.420 --> 0:36:54.940 you learned in the chapter that you thought might be helpful? Uh, 0:36:55.100 --> 0:36:57.980 it's just a way of having an outside voice that's 0:36:57.980 --> 0:37:01.460 speaking into the marriage just by the content of the chapter. 0:37:01.739 --> 0:37:04.440 That's especially helpful if you're reading a book on a marriage. 0:37:04.480 --> 0:37:08.920 On marriage. So those are my thoughts. Uh, but I'm 0:37:09.160 --> 0:37:13.120 very empathetic with your desire, uh, not to just continue 0:37:13.120 --> 0:37:17.440 to drift, but to take positive steps to share life 0:37:17.440 --> 0:37:18.240 with each other. 0:37:18.600 --> 0:37:20.920 As a spouse. Though if you ask, you know, what 0:37:20.920 --> 0:37:23.480 happened in your day and he comes back with the 0:37:23.480 --> 0:37:26.919 gas station, she could feel kind of frustrated by that. 0:37:26.920 --> 0:37:29.799 I'm looking for something deeper, but you never know. You 0:37:29.800 --> 0:37:32.279 could talk about the and I'm I'm frustrated with the 0:37:32.520 --> 0:37:35.440 gas prices too. So I think I'm glad you mentioned that. 0:37:35.440 --> 0:37:38.800 But also I you could use that as a memory jogger. 0:37:38.800 --> 0:37:41.200 Do you remember what, when you first started driving, do 0:37:41.200 --> 0:37:43.959 you remember how much gas was back then? And, and 0:37:43.960 --> 0:37:46.640 then he starts to talk about, yeah, you know, you 0:37:46.640 --> 0:37:50.520 open up that portal to the memory and something good 0:37:50.520 --> 0:37:51.360 might happen. 0:37:51.960 --> 0:37:56.080 Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Whatever they share may, may trigger a 0:37:56.080 --> 0:37:59.280 question that you can ask exactly like you suggested, Chris. 0:38:00.040 --> 0:38:02.660 I mentioned earlier that we love to hear your feedback 0:38:02.700 --> 0:38:06.259 about the program, your response, and your encouragement. Here's a 0:38:06.260 --> 0:38:08.860 call that I think will give Gary a little boost. 0:38:09.580 --> 0:38:13.260 Hello, my name is Veronica and I was just calling 0:38:13.300 --> 0:38:17.500 to thank you for your podcast. I listened to it 0:38:17.860 --> 0:38:21.860 at least weekly, if not more than once a week. 0:38:22.460 --> 0:38:24.819 And I just wanted to thank you because I come 0:38:24.820 --> 0:38:32.100 from a very dysfunctional family where you didn't really have 0:38:32.100 --> 0:38:39.219 any stable relationships or examples of stable relationships to be 0:38:39.260 --> 0:38:44.460 able to emulate. So once again, thank you for your show. 0:38:45.540 --> 0:38:48.580 Well, Chris, obviously we like to hear words like that. 0:38:48.660 --> 0:38:53.260 And the reality is there are many people who came 0:38:53.260 --> 0:38:57.100 out of dysfunctional families and they're looking for help and 0:38:57.100 --> 0:38:59.759 wanting help. And that's what our program is all about. 0:39:00.080 --> 0:39:05.719 It's building relationships because life's deepest meaning is found in relationships. 0:39:06.280 --> 0:39:09.200 It's not in possessing things. The Bible is very clear 0:39:09.200 --> 0:39:13.239 about that. It's found in relationships, first of all with God, 0:39:13.640 --> 0:39:16.600 but then with our spouse or with family members or 0:39:16.600 --> 0:39:20.759 with friends. Uh, and so the principles we talk about 0:39:20.800 --> 0:39:25.360 on this program, uh, all are related to relationships. And 0:39:25.360 --> 0:39:28.560 so I'm glad that, uh, this, uh, lady took the 0:39:28.560 --> 0:39:32.120 opportunity just to say thank you. And I want to 0:39:32.120 --> 0:39:34.719 say thank you for listening to her and all the 0:39:34.719 --> 0:39:36.040 other listeners we have. 0:39:36.680 --> 0:39:40.160 Yeah. And from a dysfunctional family. And let's be honest, 0:39:40.160 --> 0:39:43.280 all of our family families are dysfunctional in some way. 0:39:43.600 --> 0:39:46.560 But to have that and then to hear from you 0:39:46.560 --> 0:39:51.080 and then guests, this idea of moving forward, I think, 0:39:51.080 --> 0:39:54.319 is one of the reasons why you here building relationships 0:39:54.320 --> 0:39:56.759 with Doctor Gary Chapman, who is the New York Times 0:39:56.760 --> 0:40:00.540 best selling author of the Five Love Languages. Here's another 0:40:00.540 --> 0:40:05.100 call for you, Gary, and some encouragement, along with a 0:40:05.100 --> 0:40:08.020 question about a family member who is struggling. 0:40:09.140 --> 0:40:13.620 Thank you so much for your ministry. You have been 0:40:13.620 --> 0:40:18.940 my counselor via the podcast for years and years, and 0:40:18.940 --> 0:40:23.219 I appreciate that. I've got a question about a son who, um, 0:40:23.300 --> 0:40:29.219 was a prodigal. He came home divorced and in very 0:40:29.219 --> 0:40:33.339 heavy debt. He lived with us for two years and 0:40:33.340 --> 0:40:39.940 was able to regroup and, um, he moved out. He's 0:40:39.940 --> 0:40:43.339 been gone for about a year and a half, and 0:40:43.500 --> 0:40:47.020 he's about to lose his job. We're thinking he might 0:40:47.020 --> 0:40:50.460 be coming home again the first time. I think we 0:40:50.460 --> 0:40:53.180 did have him draw up a contract and say, listen, 0:40:53.340 --> 0:40:56.730 this is what we expect. Uh, we didn't have very 0:40:56.730 --> 0:40:59.130 much of a relationship with him. He's away from the 0:40:59.130 --> 0:41:02.049 Lord and doesn't want to talk about Jesus things, does 0:41:02.050 --> 0:41:05.530 not want to eat any of my home cooked meals. 0:41:05.530 --> 0:41:10.370 Which is fine. I'm over that. But any advice that 0:41:10.370 --> 0:41:12.890 you could give my husband and I, we sure would 0:41:12.890 --> 0:41:15.210 appreciate it. Thank you very much. 0:41:16.530 --> 0:41:19.930 I think any mother or father in that situation would 0:41:19.930 --> 0:41:23.489 be greatly concerned and be asking the same kind of 0:41:23.489 --> 0:41:26.729 question that this caller is asking. You know, I wrote 0:41:26.730 --> 0:41:30.810 a book and really recently revised it. It's called, uh, 0:41:30.810 --> 0:41:35.730 Your New Life with Your Adult Children, in which I 0:41:35.730 --> 0:41:40.770 deal with these kind of issues. And what she said 0:41:40.770 --> 0:41:44.090 in terms of if he does ask to come back, 0:41:44.450 --> 0:41:47.209 she said, we had a contract. We had agreements on 0:41:47.210 --> 0:41:52.009 what we expected. That I think is very, very healthy. Uh, 0:41:52.010 --> 0:41:54.410 if he does decide to come back or ask if 0:41:54.410 --> 0:41:56.989 he can come back. You need to have a good 0:41:56.989 --> 0:42:00.430 conversation with each other. And in that book, I deal 0:42:00.430 --> 0:42:02.589 with the kind of things that you might want to 0:42:02.590 --> 0:42:06.109 talk about in that situation. Uh, one is what is 0:42:06.110 --> 0:42:09.629 the goal you are you coming back hoping to stay 0:42:09.630 --> 0:42:12.989 here for six more years or two more years or, uh, 0:42:12.989 --> 0:42:15.350 and what can we do to help you with the job? 0:42:15.390 --> 0:42:17.590 You know, how can we help you find a job? 0:42:17.590 --> 0:42:21.430 Because obviously that's part of the problem. Now, at this juncture, 0:42:22.110 --> 0:42:25.790 if he needs training to get new skills by going 0:42:25.830 --> 0:42:28.990 to a local, you know, technical college of some kind, 0:42:29.030 --> 0:42:31.670 picking up skills that will help him get a new 0:42:31.670 --> 0:42:34.350 job or a better job. But we don't want him 0:42:34.350 --> 0:42:37.830 just to come back and not be moving in the 0:42:37.830 --> 0:42:41.950 right direction. So having a good conversation with him about 0:42:41.950 --> 0:42:46.830 that and asking, uh, in what way can we help you? 0:42:46.870 --> 0:42:49.390 We don't want to just sit here and we don't 0:42:49.390 --> 0:42:51.830 want you just to sit here. We want you to 0:42:51.870 --> 0:42:54.850 be active in learning and growing because we want you 0:42:54.850 --> 0:42:58.770 to have a better life because, you know, you kind 0:42:58.810 --> 0:43:02.450 of discouraged yourself on your life. So those kind of 0:43:02.489 --> 0:43:05.250 really open conversations and we want, we want to love 0:43:05.250 --> 0:43:07.930 our adult children because God loves us even when we 0:43:07.930 --> 0:43:10.890 do wrong. But we want to help them. We don't 0:43:10.890 --> 0:43:13.930 want to just be sitting there letting them be in 0:43:13.930 --> 0:43:17.850 the house, but not helping them. And so help means 0:43:17.850 --> 0:43:20.569 that they have to reach out to get help. So 0:43:20.570 --> 0:43:22.770 I think you think you'd find that book to be 0:43:22.770 --> 0:43:28.210 very helpful. Uh, we can't control our adult children. And, uh, yes, 0:43:28.210 --> 0:43:30.850 it breaks our heart when they go through divorce and 0:43:30.850 --> 0:43:33.689 when they, you know, get a job and then lose 0:43:33.690 --> 0:43:37.009 a job. And maybe the reason he lost his job 0:43:37.010 --> 0:43:39.770 is not because he was a poor employee. Maybe there 0:43:39.770 --> 0:43:43.290 were other factors involved, uh, that did not relate to 0:43:43.330 --> 0:43:46.170 the potential of his work. But I think these kind 0:43:46.210 --> 0:43:50.130 of conversations need to be open and honest and loving 0:43:50.330 --> 0:43:53.750 because We. We want to love them no matter what. 0:43:53.790 --> 0:43:56.469 You know, the prodigal son's father did not go out 0:43:56.469 --> 0:43:59.310 and try to make him come home. He just kept 0:43:59.310 --> 0:44:02.110 the farm going so that when he did come home, 0:44:02.110 --> 0:44:04.830 there was something to come home to. So I would say, 0:44:04.870 --> 0:44:08.670 you know, keep your marriage strong and vibrant so that 0:44:08.710 --> 0:44:11.469 when there is if he does come back home, there's 0:44:11.510 --> 0:44:13.950 a home to come home to. And then you help 0:44:13.950 --> 0:44:17.270 him in whatever way you can. But yeah, it's hard. 0:44:17.270 --> 0:44:20.630 It's hard when you have a prodigal son who comes 0:44:20.630 --> 0:44:22.950 home and goes out and comes back. Has to come 0:44:22.950 --> 0:44:27.310 back home again. So open conversation and making some guidelines 0:44:27.310 --> 0:44:31.150 and decisions out of love. All the decisions ought to 0:44:31.150 --> 0:44:34.350 be out of love. That's. That's what God does. Every 0:44:34.350 --> 0:44:37.030 command God ever gave us is because he loves us. 0:44:37.510 --> 0:44:39.589 And if he said, don't do this, it's because he 0:44:39.590 --> 0:44:41.910 loved us. If he says, do this, it's because he 0:44:41.910 --> 0:44:44.950 loved us. So all of our guidelines ought to be 0:44:44.950 --> 0:44:46.989 because we love you, and we want to do the 0:44:46.989 --> 0:44:49.110 very best thing we can to help you. 0:44:49.830 --> 0:44:52.250 The other thing I love about that story is that 0:44:52.250 --> 0:44:55.090 the dad kept the calf fat for when the son 0:44:55.090 --> 0:44:57.610 came back and ready to have the party, you know, 0:44:57.650 --> 0:45:00.890 have have the food, the the book is Your New 0:45:00.890 --> 0:45:04.170 Life with Adult Children A Practical Guide to what helps, 0:45:04.170 --> 0:45:08.009 what hurts and what Heals. You can find out more 0:45:08.010 --> 0:45:12.770 about it at Building relationships.us. And let me just mention 0:45:12.770 --> 0:45:16.689 this something that she said, Gary. She mentioned the the 0:45:16.730 --> 0:45:19.850 home cooked meals that he doesn't want to eat, the 0:45:19.850 --> 0:45:22.810 home cooked meals. And you could hear just a little 0:45:22.850 --> 0:45:25.330 bit of the hurt inside. You know, I've moved on 0:45:25.370 --> 0:45:28.970 from I've worked through that. It's okay, but it almost 0:45:28.969 --> 0:45:31.850 feels like to me and maybe I'm reading too much 0:45:31.850 --> 0:45:35.730 in here. But her, her words or her love language 0:45:35.730 --> 0:45:38.530 might be acts of service. So when she makes this 0:45:38.530 --> 0:45:41.650 meal for her son, this is she's saying, I love 0:45:41.650 --> 0:45:44.169 you to him. And he says, I don't want that. 0:45:44.210 --> 0:45:46.770 You know, I want something else. So she has to 0:45:46.810 --> 0:45:50.480 deal with all of those complex feelings about, you know, 0:45:50.520 --> 0:45:53.360 showing love and not being accepted, doesn't she? 0:45:53.880 --> 0:45:58.040 Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And I don't understand the dynamics on that. 0:45:58.080 --> 0:45:59.799 I mean, why would a man not accept a good 0:45:59.840 --> 0:46:02.520 home cooked meal? You know, I don't know where he's 0:46:02.520 --> 0:46:03.160 coming from. 0:46:03.440 --> 0:46:05.520 I want to go with you over to her house 0:46:05.560 --> 0:46:06.640 and we'll eat. Right. 0:46:07.640 --> 0:46:10.319 Yeah. So I don't know what the dynamics are and 0:46:10.320 --> 0:46:12.560 what's going on in his mind. You know, that would 0:46:12.560 --> 0:46:16.000 make him not want to eat meals that she prepares. 0:46:16.000 --> 0:46:18.520 I don't know where that's coming from. You know, an 0:46:18.520 --> 0:46:22.640 open conversation with a counselor. Somebody might be able to 0:46:22.680 --> 0:46:26.600 figure out why, why he has those feelings or thoughts. 0:46:26.600 --> 0:46:29.759 But yeah, that's very strange. Yeah. But, you know, it 0:46:29.760 --> 0:46:31.560 does seem like she's worked through that. I'm willing to 0:46:31.560 --> 0:46:34.719 accept that, you know. Yes, yes. But she probably doesn't 0:46:34.719 --> 0:46:35.640 understand it either. 0:46:36.000 --> 0:46:40.160 Right. Well, and with that, we'll conclude this June edition 0:46:40.160 --> 0:46:44.160 of Dear Gary. As I mentioned earlier, 86642 for Gary. 0:46:44.200 --> 0:46:46.919 We'd love to hear your question, your comment maybe about 0:46:47.060 --> 0:46:49.660 something that you've heard today that you might hear your 0:46:49.660 --> 0:46:53.219 question in a fall edition of Dear Gary. And don't 0:46:53.219 --> 0:46:56.460 forget to check out our featured resource Screen Kids five 0:46:56.500 --> 0:46:59.900 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech Driven World. 0:47:00.100 --> 0:47:04.100 You can find out more at Building relationships.us. Again, go 0:47:04.100 --> 0:47:06.420 to Building relationships.us. 0:47:06.980 --> 0:47:10.980 And next week, we'll begin our summer Best of Broadcast. 0:47:11.140 --> 0:47:14.100 And we'll begin with this question how do you speak 0:47:14.100 --> 0:47:16.700 life to your husband when all you want to do 0:47:16.700 --> 0:47:17.740 is yell at him? 0:47:17.900 --> 0:47:20.900 Don't miss Dave and Ann Wilson in one week. A 0:47:20.900 --> 0:47:23.739 big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and 0:47:23.739 --> 0:47:27.820 Janice backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a 0:47:27.820 --> 0:47:32.100 production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a 0:47:32.100 --> 0:47:35.540 Ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.