S1: I'm calling with some concerns.
S2: My wife and I had a squabble over me being stupid.
S3: This is a big problem in our culture. I'm having
S3: trouble figuring out what my husband's love language is.
S4: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S4: the New York Times bestseller, The Five Love Languages. Today,
S4: it's our May, Dear Gary broadcast as we feature your
S4: questions to our host.
S5: That's right, Doctor Gary Chapman is in the house and
S5: ready for your questions and comments. And we have a
S5: number that you can call if you want to ask
S5: Doctor Chapman a question. It's 1866424 Gary.
S4: And we have a featured resource at our website Building Relationships.
S4: It's the Five Love Languages of Children workbook bundle, which
S4: includes the book and the workbook. Find out more at
S4: Building Relationships.
S5: All right. You have to tell us more about this
S5: resource and who it's for. Gary, this five Love Languages
S5: of Children workbook bundle.
S6: Actually, Chris, it can be for an individual parent or
S6: a husband or wife doing it together, or it can
S6: be used in a small group. The workbook. What you
S6: basically you're reading the chapter in the in the book,
S6: the original book, the Five Love Languages of children. It's
S6: for parents. And then you turn to this first chapter
S6: of the workbook, and it actually helps you apply what
S6: you've just read in that chapter. And if it's a group,
S6: then you all in the group discuss, you know, your
S6: responses to that in the workbook. So I think it's
S6: going to be a really a good tool. Of course,
S6: the Five Love Languages of Children has been out for
S6: a long time. The workbook is a newer thing that
S6: we've added because we think it's going to help people,
S6: as I said, in small groups, but also just a
S6: husband and wife working through it, or even an individual
S6: parent working through it. So I think it's going to
S6: be an asset to really applying what you're reading as
S6: you work through the book. With The Five Love Languages
S6: of Children.
S5: I love the thought of small groups, though, because you
S5: get parents together and they start talking about, you know,
S5: here's what we're struggling with. And, and parents realize, hey,
S5: we're not alone in this. There are other people who
S5: have the same kinds of situations.
S6: Yeah, absolutely. And that's always encouraging. And it stimulates conversations
S6: after the session is over. You know, you hurt somebody
S6: said something that really helped you and you go have
S6: a conversation with them. So, you know, the Christian life
S6: was meant to be lived in community. So I think
S6: anytime we're doing something in smaller groups where we can
S6: interface with each other and be honest and open, whatever
S6: the topic, uh, it's going to create growth in our lives.
S5: Well, you can find out more about that featured resource
S5: at Building Relationships. It's the five Love Languages of children.
S5: Work book bundle. Just go to building relationships. Okay, Gary.
S5: Our first caller today wanted to remain anonymous, so we
S5: have transcribed her question. And here it is. Gary. Here's
S5: my situation. When my husband and I dated, we both
S5: rode bikes. Now he won't do anything active. He won't
S5: even walk the dog. When I pray at the table,
S5: he says, we don't need to pray every night for
S5: our food. What can I do? I was the one
S5: who always did the devotions with the children, and he
S5: doesn't really talk about his faith at all. Recently, my
S5: son renewed his spiritual life and we've been doing devotions together.
S5: That's a huge blessing and an answered prayer. But I
S5: would like some advice about my husband.
S6: Well, you know, Chris, I'm guessing that a number of
S6: our listeners might identify with this. It's where one person
S6: is walking with God and another is not walking with God.
S6: because anyone who is walking with God will be willing
S6: to share that walk with other people, and especially in
S6: the family. Again, I'd say, first of all, you cannot
S6: make your husband participate with you in daily devotional time.
S6: You cannot make him want to give thanks for the
S6: food when you sit down to eat. You can pray
S6: that God will work in his heart. God may or
S6: may not use you to do that, but that God
S6: would work in his heart by bringing people into his
S6: life who can speak into him or circumstances into his life.
S6: Because sometimes it's circumstances that God uses to shake up
S6: a person who is either not a Christian at all,
S6: or is not really walking in close fellowship with God.
S6: A conversation probably would not hurt for you just to
S6: sit down with him and say, one night, honey, I
S6: want to talk to you about this. I don't know
S6: how you feel, and you just kind of share your heart, but,
S6: you know, I enjoy talking with you. I enjoy having
S6: prayer together. I would like to have devotions together. I
S6: think you know that. And I don't know inside of
S6: you what's going on? Is it that you don't like
S6: God or you don't know God or what? What is
S6: it that has you where you are in this situation?
S6: And I'm not trying to make you do anything because
S6: I can't do that. I'm just sharing with you my
S6: heart and just trying to understand where you are and
S6: what's going on inside of you. As I said, I
S6: don't know that it would hurt to have such a conversation.
S6: It may or may not help, but I don't think
S6: it would hurt because he will walk away and he
S6: may get angry. I don't know, Depending on his personality,
S6: he may get angry with you for even bringing it
S6: up and say, I don't want to talk about it
S6: and da da da da. He can't keep you from
S6: talking to God. And God said, you know, ask for wisdom,
S6: I'll give it to you. So pray that God will
S6: give you wisdom in terms of what you might do,
S6: and that God would bring other people into his life
S6: or situations that would really speak to him deeply. Because
S6: often that's what has to happen. The Apostle Paul's life
S6: was radically changed. He was not an apostle when he
S6: had an encounter with God. And God can bring things
S6: in situations into people's lives today that can wake them
S6: up just as fast and just as meaningfully.
S5: The other part of our question is that he doesn't
S5: exercise anymore. So this one is you mentioned that first,
S5: and it's not as big an issue probably. But you know,
S5: he used we used to ride bikes together. He doesn't
S5: walk the dog now. Uh, and you've said through the
S5: years you can influence your spouse, but you can't control
S5: them and what they do, right?
S6: Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And you know what's behind that behavior?
S6: I don't know. Does he have physical problems? You know,
S6: how old is he? What is his physical condition? Do
S6: any of those things play into the fact that he
S6: doesn't even want to walk the dog or take a
S6: walk himself? And if so, she's concerned about his physical well-being.
S6: Because if we're not active up to the limit that
S6: we can be active, then we're going to deteriorate. The
S6: body will deteriorate. So I understand her concern there. She
S6: might invite him to walk with her if she. If
S6: she'll take a walk and say, honey, would you like
S6: to walk with me? He'll probably say no. But if
S6: you do it on a regular basis, he may decide
S6: to join you. And I don't know if there are
S6: men in his life that might connect with him and
S6: invite him into some men's activities at a church if
S6: you're involved in a church. Because there are lots of
S6: things going on for men in most of our churches.
S6: And some of them are even physical because some churches
S6: have gymnasiums. And they invite men to come and do
S6: workouts and so forth. So all we can do is
S6: expose him to opportunities. But again, as you said, Chris,
S6: we can't make our husbands or wives do anything, but
S6: we can have a positive influence. And that influence is
S6: not nagging them. It's not nagging them, but it is
S6: trying to have meaningful conversations with them and ask what
S6: you might do, or what someone else might do to
S6: help them in a particular area that we'd like to
S6: see improvement.
S5: Well, we love your questions about love languages, and if
S5: you want to call that listener line and give us yours,
S5: we'd love to hear from you today. 866424. Gary, here
S5: is a love language question that is a little bit complicated.
S1: Hi Gary, I'm calling with some concerns. I started doing
S1: your five love languages, and I'm getting really stumped because
S1: my husband is an alcoholic and I'm struggling with trying
S1: to answer the questions faithfully and truthfully. So I was
S1: just wanting if you had some kind of ideas or
S1: tips that might help me, that would be amazing. Thanks. Bye.
S6: Okay, what I understand the caller to say is that
S6: she's taken the free quiz at Five Love Languages, but
S6: she's having trouble even answering the questions, choosing between 2
S6: or 3 things. Let me just throw this out. If
S6: you're trying to discover your own love language or someone
S6: else's love language, there are three informal ways in which
S6: this can be done. One is ask yourself, how do I.
S6: If you want to know your love language, how do
S6: I typically express love to other people? Am I a
S6: gift giver? Am I giving encouraging words, or am I
S6: having long conversations with people? How do I most normally
S6: express love to other people? That's a clue to what
S6: your primary love language is. That is what you want
S6: to receive. And you can ask the same thing about
S6: the other person your husband. For example. How does he
S6: typically express love to you or anybody else? It may
S6: not be your primary language, but he's he's doing something, perhaps.
S6: And then the second is what do you complain about
S6: most often? Or what does he complain about most often?
S6: Complaint reveals the love language. You know, if you're saying
S6: to him, I just feel like we don't ever spend
S6: time together anymore, you're revealing to yourself and to him
S6: that your primary language is quality time. We don't ever
S6: have any time together. Or if you say, you know what?
S6: What really bothers me most is that he won't do
S6: anything with me. He won't do any activities with me. Again,
S6: you're asking for quality time, him doing something with you
S6: that's meaningful. So. And what does he complain about? Most often,
S6: if indeed he complains. And then thirdly, what do you
S6: request of him? Most often, if you're asking him to
S6: help you do something around the house or do something
S6: for you around the house, then acts of service may
S6: be your primary language. If he. What request does he
S6: make of you? So whatever request he's making of you
S6: is a clue to what his primary love language is.
S6: So you answer those three questions for yourself. You can
S6: pretty well figure out what your primary love language is.
S6: And if you ask those same three questions of the
S6: person that you are loving your spouse or someone else
S6: that you have a close relationship with, you can pretty
S6: well determine what their primary love language is.
S5: How does the issue of alcohol cloud things or complicate
S5: it more?
S6: Well, alcohol always clouds all of life. It affects all
S6: of life. I don't know in a particular situation like
S6: this in terms of love language or determining a love language,
S6: how it might affect that. It depends obviously, on, you know,
S6: how often is he under the influence of alcohol and
S6: how does it affect his behavior? Because, uh, let's face it,
S6: a person who's addicted to alcohol is going to have
S6: a lot of problems in relationships, as well as problems
S6: at work and other other things. So it's detrimental to
S6: any relationship. So that's why the Bible is so clear.
S6: Don't get drunk. You know, it's just simple. That's simple
S6: from the Bible. Don't get drunk. No one's life or
S6: marriage was ever helped by somebody getting drunk. And when
S6: people are addicted to it, it's a lifestyle. It's a
S6: lifestyle that destroys. We need to do everything we can
S6: for a person who is an alcoholic, to try to
S6: find help and try to get them to the place
S6: where they're willing to go for help so they can break, really,
S6: the bondage of that addiction.
S5: Well, I mentioned our phone number 866424 Gary just a
S5: minute ago. And if you have a concern about your
S5: marriage or a parenting struggle, maybe you're in a dating
S5: relationship and you have a question or comment, we'd love
S5: to hear from you. 866424 Gary. But on a previous
S5: broadcast I mentioned, I said something like, if you have
S5: a positive story about your marriage, call us. And here
S5: is our first bit of good news right now.
S7: Hey Gary, I wanted to make this comment on the program,
S7: that program topic of what has made one's marriage go
S7: a little better, a little smoother. Oh, I guess 4
S7: or 5, six years ago, my wife and I implemented
S7: a standing date night into our routine. And what that
S7: looks like is one day a week, every Wednesday, we
S7: shut everything down and we, uh, go on a date.
S7: As I said, a standing date. And, uh, my wife
S7: has grown to really look forward to that. I look
S7: forward to that. And, uh, we don't let anything get
S7: in the way of that. Prior to establishing that date night,
S7: you know, things weren't as smooth as they could be. And, uh,
S7: and there were times where we just didn't see eye
S7: to eye and, uh, we let any little things, pop
S7: up and cause us to have a little argument here
S7: or argument there. So it reminds me of the love
S7: language of spending time. Uh, that is definitely my wife's
S7: love language. Spending time. And she really enjoys that. Cherish that.
S7: Thank you.
S6: Well, Chris, as I heard that question, it sounds to
S6: me like I heard waves. I don't know if he
S6: was on the beach when he asked that question. Did
S6: you hear that?
S5: I yeah, it was it sounded like, uh, road noise
S5: to me, but it can, you know, it can be
S5: just like holding a seashell up to your ear. You
S5: can hear that as well.
S6: That's what I heard. I said he must be walking
S6: on the beach. We saw. Well, at any rate, I'm
S6: really glad that he called, because he's sharing a practical
S6: idea that enriched his marriage. And for if quality time
S6: is their language especially, that would be powerful. It would
S6: be very interesting to know some of the things that
S6: they do on their date night. Might give other people ideas.
S6: For some people, a date night is simply going out
S6: for dinner. Uh, well, that's that's fine. But maybe there's
S6: other things that he, he and she have done that
S6: would be helpful to know. But I do think setting
S6: a time in which the two of you do something
S6: together on a regular basis, whether you call it a
S6: date night or it doesn't even have to be night,
S6: it can be a date in the middle of the day,
S6: depending on your schedule in which you do something together
S6: that both of you want to do. A way of
S6: spending time with each other. Because we can get so
S6: busy in the context of daily life, we don't ever
S6: have any quality time with each other in which we're
S6: just giving our attention to each other. We may be
S6: doing something else. We may be riding a bicycle. We
S6: may be, you know, building a habitat for humanity house together,
S6: but just doing something. I do think there's value in
S6: having variety on, on the dates that you have. But yeah,
S6: this is a great idea, and I really appreciate him
S6: sharing that. Many people have discovered what he's discovered the
S6: value of a regular time together.
S5: Two things stand out to me. One, he said he
S5: used the phrase we shut everything down. It's like, yeah,
S5: and and in that he's saying, you are my priority.
S5: Us is the priority here. And everything else shuts down
S5: because we're going to spend some time together. And so
S5: that's the one thing that I picked up. The second
S5: is it sounds like he gets as much out of
S5: this time together, uh, if not more than she does,
S5: even if quality time is not his love language.
S6: Yes. Quality time does not have to be your primary
S6: love language for you to enjoy time together, doing things together.
S6: You know, that's why the whole thing, when you're falling
S6: in love, what do we do? We date. We call
S6: it date. We get together and give each other our
S6: undivided attention. Doing all kind of things together, growing together.
S6: I don't know why we stopped that when we get married,
S6: but it's something that will enhance a marriage for sure.
S5: Let's keep the positive vibes going. Listen to this next call.
S5: Who has had a big change in his life?
S2: Hi, I am from Indiana and several years ago my
S2: wife and I had a squabble over me being stupid
S2: and she asked me to leave the house, which I did.
S2: And in doing that, I realized the only friend I
S2: had was Jesus Christ. But I had not been living
S2: for Jesus Christ for several years. I got saved when
S2: I was nine, and I hit high school, military and college,
S2: and my life became worldly and that's all I had
S2: was the world. So I started reading books, Gary Smalley,
S2: Chapman and some others. But Chapman's book really got me
S2: thinking about a lot of things. One Friday afternoon, my
S2: wife wanted to talk to me, so my dad came
S2: to work. We went back to my father's house and
S2: we sat and talked and and my wife told me
S2: that unless I changed, I wasn't going to ever come back.
S2: And I said, well, how are you going to know
S2: I changed if you if I'm not around? And she said, well,
S2: that makes sense. She said, so you can come home.
S2: And if I don't see a change in two weeks,
S2: you're out again. So I went home and I did
S2: everything I could to listen and pray about what I
S2: needed to do to be the right husband. Reading books
S2: One Sunday we were going to go to church and, uh, well,
S2: we got a phone call and I answered the phone,
S2: which was a mistake. It was her father, and he
S2: wanted to know why I was there. And I told
S2: him that I live here. And he got angry. So
S2: I gave the phone to my wife, and my wife said,
S2: you know, she did something that changed my life completely.
S2: She said, I need a father and a husband more
S2: than I need a mother and dad. And that just
S2: turned my life around. My wife threw her parents under
S2: the bus for me, and I just realized that how
S2: could I not live for her if she's living for me?
S2: And so I changed. And this week we celebrate 59 years.
S2: God has been number one in our lives. We found
S2: a good church, which we've been in for over 40
S2: something years, and it's just wonderful that your book led
S2: me back to my wife and the Lord. Thank you, Gary,
S2: for writing the book. Thank you for what you do.
S2: God bless you in the future. and talk to you later. Bye.
S6: Well, that is certainly an encouraging call. Chris, when you
S6: hear what God did in a person's life and that
S6: one of my books had a positive impact in that process,
S6: he may be talking about the five love languages. I
S6: don't think he called it in particular, but obviously that's
S6: the best known book that I have written. He also
S6: mentioned Gary Smalley, who was a friend of mine, and
S6: I always enjoyed being with Gary and the books he
S6: he wrote on marriage. He's in heaven now. Many of
S6: you know that. But the caller demonstrates when you make
S6: a choice to change, you have all the help of God.
S6: We can go on our own way, do our own thing,
S6: leave God out of our lives if that's what we
S6: choose to do. But we will never have the kind
S6: of life we really would like to have without God.
S6: Because deep in the human heart, there is a longing
S6: to have a relationship with God. So great to see
S6: God does change lives and the fact they've been together
S6: now 59 years is a testimony. The reality that not
S6: only does God change us in the moment, but God
S6: guides us and we continue to grow because the Christian
S6: life with God is always a growth experience.
S5: I love that 59 years and the question I have is,
S5: did her mom and dad ever come around? Do they
S5: ever see that he really has changed and embraced him?
S5: We we can't know that. The other thing I loved
S5: about what he said was he said the question of
S5: by saying it was me being stupid, which I think
S5: I think a lot of men can understand that. But
S5: but the but there's another aspect to this. It's like
S5: it sounds to me like, uh, the first motivation for
S5: him was my wife said, if you don't change, then
S5: you're not coming back here. And that was a wake
S5: up call for him. But it also sounds like something
S5: else happened in his heart. There was something more than
S5: I just have to toe the line and do what
S5: she wants me to do. At some point there was
S5: an interchange and almost a transformation that that happened. Do
S5: you agree with that?
S6: Yeah, that's that's my guess too, that as he read
S6: my book and other books, God worked in his heart
S6: and he turned to God because he said, you know,
S6: he'd walked his own way, just kind of rule God
S6: out of his life. But I think he let God
S6: back in his life and the books, you know, helped
S6: him with that and gave him practical ways to cooperate
S6: with God in loving your spouse and an attitude of
S6: serving each other. When we get the concept that Jesus
S6: is our model and he said about himself, the Son
S6: of Man did not come to be served, but to serve,
S6: and then give his life a ransom for others. And
S6: when a husband and wife has that attitude of service,
S6: they're both going to become winners. You know, he's reaching
S6: out to her. She's reaching out to him. That's what
S6: marriage is all about. Two are better than one. When
S6: we work together with that attitude.
S5: Maybe there's somebody listening today and they hear themselves in
S5: that call. A husband or wife, you know, maybe being stupid.
S5: And it's like, I want that 59 years together, I
S5: want that. You're saying that there's hope for that couple, right?
S6: Absolutely, Chris. And it has to start with one of them.
S6: It normally doesn't start the same time with both of them,
S6: but someone has to decide. You know, I'm going to
S6: ask God to give me wisdom on how to reach
S6: out to my spouse in love. And ultimately, if they're
S6: not responding. Yeah. Then there is the time to say, uh,
S6: I don't know how you feel, but you appear to
S6: have no interest in our marriage. And so there is
S6: a time for tough love. But that tough love should
S6: always come after there's been a stage of tender love.
S6: Loving them even though they don't deserve it.
S4: This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S4: We'd love to hear your question or feedback at our
S4: listener line 1866424. Gary is our number. Call and leave
S4: a message and you might hear an answer on an
S4: upcoming Dear Gary broadcast. Again 1-866-424-4279. If you go to
S4: five love Languages comm, you'll see our featured resource, the
S4: five Love Languages of Children Workbook bundle. Again, go to
S4: five Love languages. Comm.
S5: Gary. Here is a basic, fundamental bedrock question from a
S5: listener that I think is going to help somebody else
S5: who's listening. Here we go.
S8: Hi, Gary. I was calling to find out how I
S8: go about locating therapists or counselor in my area that
S8: deals with my personal needs. That would be great. Thank you.
S6: Well, you know, that's a common question that people ask
S6: if they are not aware of, you know, counselors in
S6: their area. There are several approaches. One would be to
S6: call some of the churches in your area and ask them,
S6: you know, do they know of Christian counselors in your area?
S6: Because many times the pastor and staff members of churches
S6: know who the Christian counselors are, and they would be
S6: glad to refer you to one of them. Locally, that's
S6: probably the best thing you could do is call a
S6: church and ask that question. You can also call focus
S6: on the family in Colorado Springs. You can locate them online.
S6: Just Google focus on the family. They have counselors, some
S6: 20 counselors who are available in the daylight hours basically
S6: to talk with you. And they will not do long
S6: term counseling, but they will recommend to you counselors in
S6: your area because they have a list of counselors all
S6: over the country, Christian counselors. And you share your basic problem,
S6: the one you're struggling with, and they will give you
S6: a list of some folks in your area that you
S6: can call. There is another organization called American Association of
S6: Christian Counselors. I think the website is AA dot. I
S6: could be wrong about that. Don't quote me on that one.
S6: But American Association of Christian Counselors, you can Google it.
S6: They also have a list of counselors all over the country.
S6: So you give them your zip code, and they will
S6: give you a list of counselors that you can contact
S6: in your area, and then call them and see if
S6: they work with folks who are having the problem that
S6: you're having.
S5: Yes. He had a guest not long ago who said
S5: that she and her husband were going through a financial struggle,
S5: and they met with the same counselor one on Monday
S5: and the other on Wednesday, and then they got together
S5: on Friday. So it was three times a week. And
S5: she said they used a sliding scale of, you know,
S5: whatever their income was. So they were helping them out
S5: in order to, to help with this marriage struggle, that
S5: they were a deep marriage struggle that they were going through.
S5: And so there are those counselors. There's also in churches,
S5: counseling that is offered free. A lot of times those
S5: are the the bigger churches can can offer that, whereas
S5: the smaller church can't. So I think what you're saying
S5: is there's a lot of different avenues. Don't give up, right?
S6: Absolutely. Absolutely, Chris. And what you just mentioned is important
S6: that many, many of the larger Christian churches do have
S6: pastors or people on their staff or even sometimes volunteers
S6: who are counselors or who are coaches, sometimes called coaches,
S6: that that can be very helpful to people who are
S6: looking for help.
S5: Well, if you have a question for Doctor Chapman like
S5: that 1866424 Gary, we'd love to hear from you if
S5: you have positive response, if you've had, uh, you've been
S5: reading Gary's book and there's something that has happened in
S5: your relationship, let us know about it. (866) 424-4279. Here's a
S5: response to a previous broadcast and the topic we dealt
S5: with hit home with her.
S9: Hello. Um, I just want to say I heard your
S9: program on addiction. Sexual addiction. I worked in the hospital
S9: for 25 years, and this is a big problem in
S9: our culture. And the thing is, we are ignoring it
S9: because they get hooked on it through the culture, accepting it.
S9: They get hooked on it through the internet. They get
S9: hooked on it through the movies. It's saturated in our culture.
S9: The church has been silent because it's embarrassing to have
S9: to deal with it. And I've been thinking about it
S9: for a long time, because I've been out here in
S9: the single world for years, never remarried because of the
S9: problems with sexual freedom. I just thought it wasn't right
S9: that people are accepting it so freely and living together
S9: is nothing. They don't make the real commitment. Sometimes they do,
S9: sometimes they don't. And it's in our culture. It's saturated
S9: in our culture that it is accepted. It, and then
S9: it just escalates to an addiction. And lots of people
S9: can get on the internet and find anything they want
S9: dating everything. And so there's a town near me that
S9: has 300,000 retirees, and they have many, many problems there
S9: with sexual diseases running through the place. And not only that,
S9: I just thought, well, what do we do? What do
S9: we do as Christians, as a culture that we're in?
S9: And I do believe that AA is a great program,
S9: and I wish they had Christ in the program more
S9: so the higher power. But maybe we need on AA
S9: for addictions. I'm sure there is one. I don't even
S9: know about it. Just as a Christian and a believer. Yes,
S9: it is a very embarrassing problem. And thank God that
S9: this woman called in and told you in the world
S9: personally put herself out there to let you know how
S9: bad it is. And I just want to thank you.
S9: I'm not criticizing believers or the church. I'm just saying
S9: it's an issue, a big one. Okay. Thank you so much.
S9: I hope that you keep the program going. I like
S9: the fact that you honestly want to know what people
S9: are thinking. I think it's really good to know what's
S9: going on out here. And I wouldn't have known it
S9: unless I had been thrown into a single world years ago.
S9: Thank you. Have a wonderful day.
S6: Well, Chris, this caller is putting her finger upon a
S6: reality in our culture. And she's right. We often don't
S6: discuss this, but the reality is that Christian guidelines for
S6: sexuality T are largely ignored by millions of people in
S6: this country. I mean, the Bible is very clear. Husbands
S6: and wives, men and women are committed to each other
S6: in the context of marriage. This is where sexual intercourse
S6: is very, very meaningful. Outside of that framework, it is
S6: not what God had in mind. What has happened is
S6: many people, she's right, are addicted. This is their God.
S6: This is where they find those pleasures along the way
S6: that give them meaning to life. It's the only meaning
S6: they have because they have no relationship with God. So yeah,
S6: it certainly needs to be addressed more than it is addressed.
S6: And she's right. While there are AA Alcoholics Anonymous, which
S6: she talked about, those addicted to alcohol, and there are other, uh,
S6: organizations that deal with addiction to alcohol and drugs. You
S6: don't see, and it's not well known in the country
S6: that there's any organization like that for sexual addiction. So
S6: it's a tremendous need. And any counselors out there who
S6: might be listening to us, this is an area that
S6: you might want to seek to discuss this with other leaders,
S6: pastors and leaders in the church as to what can
S6: be done or what maybe is available that we're not
S6: even aware of. That would be helpful. It's an issue
S6: that has to be dealt with. Otherwise, we continue down
S6: this pathway of lives literally being destroyed because they've written
S6: God out of the equation of their lives and are
S6: doing simply what brings them momentary pleasure.
S5: You know, it was interesting to me that she brought
S5: up this place that's near her with a lot of
S5: people there who are older, who are caught in this
S5: same thing. So this is not just the younger generation
S5: and they're not this is everybody, isn't it?
S6: It is, Chris, because we have largely ignored the traditional
S6: biblical teaching on sexuality, and we have allowed any kind
S6: of sexual relationship as being legitimate. And when we do that,
S6: we just open the door for people to be addicted
S6: to it. Because let's face it, the Bible says there
S6: is pleasure in sin for a season. So we're not
S6: denying that there's pleasure in this. But what we are
S6: saying is it does not lead to ultimate satisfaction because
S6: it is a rebellion against God's principles and God's guideline
S6: and everything God laid down for us. He laid it
S6: down out of his love. He knows us. He made us,
S6: and he knows sexuality and everything else about us. And
S6: he gave us guidelines to follow. And when it has
S6: its proper place, it's beautiful. But when we make it
S6: a god, it is a false god.
S5: Gary. Here is a marital love language question that you
S5: may have heard before. See if you can give some
S5: help here.
S10: Hi, Gary. I have a few questions about me and
S10: my husband's relationship. First of all, I just wanted to
S10: say thank you for the work that you have done.
S10: It's been such a blessing. I've read the five love
S10: languages and have been really trying to apply it to
S10: my marriage, but I'm having trouble figuring out what my
S10: husband's love language is. He takes the test and he
S10: seems to get a different result each time he takes
S10: the quiz. And I'm not sure how to really show
S10: him love when I don't know what his love language is,
S10: or in the way that he connects to the most.
S10: So if there's any advice or direction you could offer,
S10: I'd be really grateful. Thank you.
S6: Well, Chris, earlier in a question, I gave those three
S6: informal ways to discover a person's love language. Namely, how
S6: does he most typically express love to you or to
S6: other people? And then what does he complain about most often?
S6: And what does he request most often? Uh, if you
S6: utilize those three things, you can probably figure out his
S6: love language. But I'll give you another practical idea. What
S6: if you say to him every 2 or 3 weeks, uh,
S6: on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is
S6: your love tank? Or how much love do you feel
S6: coming from me? And whatever figure he gives you? Less
S6: than ten, you say? Well, this week, what is the
S6: most powerful thing I could do to show you that
S6: I love you? And chances are, he will tell you
S6: specifically what on that particular week would be most meaningful
S6: to him. And these answers may not always fall into
S6: one of the languages, because there are people who who
S6: really all five of them speak deeply to them. And
S6: normally these fall into two categories. It's either a person
S6: who received all five growing up and they've always felt loved.
S6: And so if their spouse is giving them all five
S6: a mixture of all five, they're going to feel loved.
S6: The other is people who never felt loved growing up,
S6: and they're not really sure what makes them feel love
S6: because they're not even sure what it feels like to
S6: feel loved. The question I gave you on a scale
S6: of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank
S6: is a good way of identifying at that moment in
S6: that particular week, what would be most important to them?
S5: I've heard you say two, and maybe this is more
S5: with children than a spouse, but one week go with
S5: physical touch, the next week you go with quality time
S5: and you observe how they respond to this week after
S5: week after week.
S6: Yeah, yeah, that is another approach because you overdo it
S6: on each one of them. And that week you're really
S6: focusing on that one. And you will notice a difference
S6: in them in the week when you're really hitting their
S6: primary love language. Yeah. Thanks for reminding me of that, Chris.
S5: 1866424 Gary is our number. We'd love to hear your
S5: question or your comment about a relationship that has revived.
S5: 1-866-424-4279 Gary A few minutes ago we heard about sexual
S5: addiction and what it's doing in the culture. Here's a
S5: real life struggle from a listener.
S11: Hi Gary. First, thank you so much for your work
S11: over the years. My question is, if your husband is
S11: addicted to pornography, will the love languages still be effective?
S11: Thank you.
S6: I think it depends on what the caller means by effective.
S6: If a person is addicted to porn, will knowing their
S6: primary love language and speaking on a regular basis cause
S6: them to turn away from the addiction of porn? I
S6: don't know that that would be true. Just like if
S6: they're addicted to alcohol, I don't know that speaking their
S6: primary love language on a regular basis will cause them
S6: to lay aside or turn away from alcohol, because this
S6: is both of those are addictions, and there has to
S6: be a process of helping that person understand, first of all,
S6: why they need to break the addiction. Because if they're
S6: not motivated themselves to do it, it will not happen.
S6: I do think, however, persons addicted to porn, as the
S6: caller indicated, if you speak their primary love language on
S6: a regular basis over an extended period of time, and
S6: you are aware of what they're doing and they're aware
S6: that this hurts you very deeply. There is a place,
S6: I would say, six months down the road, you speak
S6: their love language for six months at least once a week,
S6: very consistently, and then one day say to them, I
S6: don't know how you feel about our relationship, but I
S6: feel like in the last six months I have loved
S6: you in what I believe is a way that's very
S6: meaningful to you. And I do love you, but you
S6: know how painful it is for me to know that
S6: you are addicted to porn. And I ask you in
S6: the past to make changes, to reach out and get help,
S6: but you have not. So I want to say to you,
S6: I love you too much to sit here and do
S6: nothing about this issue. So and here's the tough love.
S6: Then you tell them what you're going to do. I'm
S6: going to move in with my mom for a month.
S6: I'm not abandoning you. I'm not leaving you. I'm not
S6: divorcing you. But I want to challenge you to deal
S6: with this problem because it's not good for you. It's
S6: not good for me. And it doesn't bring glory to God.
S6: But the tough love approach will stimulate that spouse often
S6: to reach out and get the help they need to
S6: break that addiction. But it has to follow after. There's
S6: been a time of tender love over a period of time.
S6: Because if you simply have complained about it numerous times
S6: and then you take the tough love approach, they will
S6: say to themselves, well, I'm glad you're out of here,
S6: and I hope you don't come back because they're tired
S6: of all your criticism. So tender love over an extended
S6: period of time, followed by tough love, is often the
S6: road for them to get the help they need.
S5: You know as well as I do, though, Gary, that
S5: in the culture, pornography is just it's there, it's ubiquitous.
S5: It's everywhere. And it's it's a joke, you know, on comedies,
S5: on TV. It has been a joke for years and
S5: years and years. It's not anything bad. Why are you
S5: why are you so, you know, stuck in the in
S5: the Puritan realm, you know, all of those things. So
S5: unless the person who is addicted sees that it's a problem, it's,
S5: you know, you're swimming upstream, aren't you?
S6: Absolutely, Chris. Absolutely. That's why I say if they are
S6: not open to seek help, then we can't make them change.
S6: It's just like an alcoholic, you know, they often say
S6: I'm not an alcoholic. I mean, I'm I'm in control
S6: of what I'm doing. You know, that's we all we
S6: tend to be defensive of whatever we're doing that the
S6: other person is complaining about. And the other thing would be,
S6: I don't know what her husband's relationship with God is
S6: whether he has a relationship or doesn't have a relationship.
S6: But obviously, his relationship with God will have a lot
S6: to do with whether he's sensitive to this area or
S6: whether he's not.
S5: Would you just take a moment for the the spouse
S5: or the maybe it's a parent who sees this going
S5: on with their kids, uh, an addiction to pornography. Would
S5: you pray for that spouse or that parent who's trying
S5: to love well and is having a hard time?
S6: Sure. Father, you know what we're talking about. And you
S6: know the caller and you know those who are listening today,
S6: who have family members who are caught in this destructive
S6: expression of sexuality. I pray, first of all, that you'd
S6: give them wisdom to know what they might do that
S6: would be helpful to that spouse or that child. And
S6: I pray, father, that your spirit would continue to confront
S6: those individuals who may be listening, who are themselves the
S6: ones who are addicted to pornography. Father, I know you
S6: love them. And I know you want to deliver them
S6: from this. And I know you want them to follow
S6: your guidelines for sexuality. Because you made us and you
S6: made made us sexual. And your purposes and your guidelines
S6: are for our benefit. So I pray that you'd open
S6: the eyes of those who may be listening today, who
S6: are in bondage to this. And give them not only
S6: a desire, but then give them the power to break
S6: the bondage and come back in the real world for
S6: their good and for your glory. In the name of Christ. Amen.
S5: Amen. Well, that is our conversation for today. Thank you
S5: for listening. And if you want to add your voice
S5: to maybe respond to a caller today, ask a question,
S5: make a comment. Give us a story. 1866424. Gary is
S5: our number (866) 424-4279. And if you go to building relationships,
S5: you'll see the featured resource of the Five Love Languages
S5: of Children Workbook bundle. Just go to Building Relationships.
S6: And next week. How do you deal with the mood
S6: swings and eye rolls of pre-teenagers?
S4: Tricia Goyer and Leslie Nunnery give some great parenting advice
S4: in one week. A big thank you to our production team,
S4: Steve Wick and Janice backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary
S4: Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with
S4: Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.