WEBVTT - Dear Gary | May 0:00:01.200 --> 0:00:04.320 I'm calling with some concerns. 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:08.440 My wife and I had a squabble over me being stupid. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.240 This is a big problem in our culture. I'm having 0:00:12.280 --> 0:00:15.320 trouble figuring out what my husband's love language is. 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:22.960 Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:22.960 --> 0:00:26.920 the New York Times bestseller, The Five Love Languages. Today, 0:00:26.920 --> 0:00:30.280 it's our May, Dear Gary broadcast as we feature your 0:00:30.280 --> 0:00:31.920 questions to our host. 0:00:31.960 --> 0:00:34.400 That's right, Doctor Gary Chapman is in the house and 0:00:34.400 --> 0:00:37.120 ready for your questions and comments. And we have a 0:00:37.120 --> 0:00:39.040 number that you can call if you want to ask 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:44.800 Doctor Chapman a question. It's 1866424 Gary. 0:00:45.040 --> 0:00:48.880 And we have a featured resource at our website Building Relationships. 0:00:50.040 --> 0:00:53.599 It's the Five Love Languages of Children workbook bundle, which 0:00:53.640 --> 0:00:56.680 includes the book and the workbook. Find out more at 0:00:56.680 --> 0:00:58.000 Building Relationships. 0:00:59.360 --> 0:01:01.430 All right. You have to tell us more about this 0:01:01.430 --> 0:01:05.750 resource and who it's for. Gary, this five Love Languages 0:01:05.750 --> 0:01:07.670 of Children workbook bundle. 0:01:07.990 --> 0:01:12.270 Actually, Chris, it can be for an individual parent or 0:01:12.310 --> 0:01:14.990 a husband or wife doing it together, or it can 0:01:14.990 --> 0:01:18.310 be used in a small group. The workbook. What you 0:01:18.310 --> 0:01:21.069 basically you're reading the chapter in the in the book, 0:01:21.110 --> 0:01:24.350 the original book, the Five Love Languages of children. It's 0:01:24.350 --> 0:01:28.509 for parents. And then you turn to this first chapter 0:01:28.510 --> 0:01:31.990 of the workbook, and it actually helps you apply what 0:01:31.990 --> 0:01:35.830 you've just read in that chapter. And if it's a group, 0:01:35.830 --> 0:01:38.470 then you all in the group discuss, you know, your 0:01:38.470 --> 0:01:41.709 responses to that in the workbook. So I think it's 0:01:41.709 --> 0:01:44.510 going to be a really a good tool. Of course, 0:01:44.510 --> 0:01:46.270 the Five Love Languages of Children has been out for 0:01:46.270 --> 0:01:48.870 a long time. The workbook is a newer thing that 0:01:48.870 --> 0:01:51.910 we've added because we think it's going to help people, 0:01:52.110 --> 0:01:55.230 as I said, in small groups, but also just a 0:01:55.230 --> 0:01:57.510 husband and wife working through it, or even an individual 0:01:57.510 --> 0:02:00.260 parent working through it. So I think it's going to 0:02:00.260 --> 0:02:04.780 be an asset to really applying what you're reading as 0:02:04.780 --> 0:02:07.700 you work through the book. With The Five Love Languages 0:02:07.700 --> 0:02:08.460 of Children. 0:02:08.860 --> 0:02:11.460 I love the thought of small groups, though, because you 0:02:11.460 --> 0:02:14.980 get parents together and they start talking about, you know, 0:02:15.020 --> 0:02:18.620 here's what we're struggling with. And, and parents realize, hey, 0:02:18.620 --> 0:02:20.859 we're not alone in this. There are other people who 0:02:20.860 --> 0:02:23.340 have the same kinds of situations. 0:02:23.820 --> 0:02:28.419 Yeah, absolutely. And that's always encouraging. And it stimulates conversations 0:02:28.419 --> 0:02:31.700 after the session is over. You know, you hurt somebody 0:02:31.700 --> 0:02:34.299 said something that really helped you and you go have 0:02:34.300 --> 0:02:36.820 a conversation with them. So, you know, the Christian life 0:02:36.820 --> 0:02:39.820 was meant to be lived in community. So I think 0:02:39.820 --> 0:02:42.980 anytime we're doing something in smaller groups where we can 0:02:42.980 --> 0:02:45.740 interface with each other and be honest and open, whatever 0:02:45.740 --> 0:02:49.459 the topic, uh, it's going to create growth in our lives. 0:02:50.100 --> 0:02:52.740 Well, you can find out more about that featured resource 0:02:52.740 --> 0:02:57.450 at Building Relationships. It's the five Love Languages of children. 0:02:57.450 --> 0:03:03.169 Work book bundle. Just go to building relationships. Okay, Gary. 0:03:03.210 --> 0:03:06.250 Our first caller today wanted to remain anonymous, so we 0:03:06.290 --> 0:03:10.049 have transcribed her question. And here it is. Gary. Here's 0:03:10.050 --> 0:03:13.210 my situation. When my husband and I dated, we both 0:03:13.210 --> 0:03:17.250 rode bikes. Now he won't do anything active. He won't 0:03:17.250 --> 0:03:20.130 even walk the dog. When I pray at the table, 0:03:20.169 --> 0:03:22.650 he says, we don't need to pray every night for 0:03:22.650 --> 0:03:25.690 our food. What can I do? I was the one 0:03:25.690 --> 0:03:28.370 who always did the devotions with the children, and he 0:03:28.370 --> 0:03:31.770 doesn't really talk about his faith at all. Recently, my 0:03:31.770 --> 0:03:35.890 son renewed his spiritual life and we've been doing devotions together. 0:03:35.890 --> 0:03:39.010 That's a huge blessing and an answered prayer. But I 0:03:39.010 --> 0:03:41.530 would like some advice about my husband. 0:03:42.210 --> 0:03:44.570 Well, you know, Chris, I'm guessing that a number of 0:03:44.570 --> 0:03:49.730 our listeners might identify with this. It's where one person 0:03:49.730 --> 0:03:55.010 is walking with God and another is not walking with God. 0:03:56.480 --> 0:03:59.880 because anyone who is walking with God will be willing 0:03:59.920 --> 0:04:03.320 to share that walk with other people, and especially in 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:06.960 the family. Again, I'd say, first of all, you cannot 0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:12.360 make your husband participate with you in daily devotional time. 0:04:12.840 --> 0:04:15.920 You cannot make him want to give thanks for the 0:04:15.920 --> 0:04:20.160 food when you sit down to eat. You can pray 0:04:21.080 --> 0:04:24.080 that God will work in his heart. God may or 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:27.560 may not use you to do that, but that God 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:31.000 would work in his heart by bringing people into his 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:36.640 life who can speak into him or circumstances into his life. 0:04:36.640 --> 0:04:41.520 Because sometimes it's circumstances that God uses to shake up 0:04:41.520 --> 0:04:44.599 a person who is either not a Christian at all, 0:04:45.160 --> 0:04:48.120 or is not really walking in close fellowship with God. 0:04:48.839 --> 0:04:53.800 A conversation probably would not hurt for you just to 0:04:53.910 --> 0:04:56.590 sit down with him and say, one night, honey, I 0:04:56.630 --> 0:04:59.550 want to talk to you about this. I don't know 0:04:59.550 --> 0:05:03.950 how you feel, and you just kind of share your heart, but, 0:05:03.990 --> 0:05:10.350 you know, I enjoy talking with you. I enjoy having 0:05:10.350 --> 0:05:14.029 prayer together. I would like to have devotions together. I 0:05:14.029 --> 0:05:17.670 think you know that. And I don't know inside of 0:05:17.670 --> 0:05:21.150 you what's going on? Is it that you don't like 0:05:21.150 --> 0:05:24.630 God or you don't know God or what? What is 0:05:24.630 --> 0:05:28.510 it that has you where you are in this situation? 0:05:28.510 --> 0:05:31.310 And I'm not trying to make you do anything because 0:05:31.350 --> 0:05:34.789 I can't do that. I'm just sharing with you my 0:05:34.790 --> 0:05:38.710 heart and just trying to understand where you are and 0:05:38.710 --> 0:05:42.390 what's going on inside of you. As I said, I 0:05:42.390 --> 0:05:45.469 don't know that it would hurt to have such a conversation. 0:05:45.470 --> 0:05:48.110 It may or may not help, but I don't think 0:05:48.110 --> 0:05:50.670 it would hurt because he will walk away and he 0:05:50.670 --> 0:05:53.940 may get angry. I don't know, Depending on his personality, 0:05:53.980 --> 0:05:56.020 he may get angry with you for even bringing it 0:05:56.020 --> 0:05:57.500 up and say, I don't want to talk about it 0:05:57.540 --> 0:06:00.260 and da da da da. He can't keep you from 0:06:00.300 --> 0:06:04.580 talking to God. And God said, you know, ask for wisdom, 0:06:04.580 --> 0:06:06.860 I'll give it to you. So pray that God will 0:06:06.860 --> 0:06:09.700 give you wisdom in terms of what you might do, 0:06:10.060 --> 0:06:12.380 and that God would bring other people into his life 0:06:12.380 --> 0:06:16.420 or situations that would really speak to him deeply. Because 0:06:16.500 --> 0:06:20.340 often that's what has to happen. The Apostle Paul's life 0:06:20.339 --> 0:06:23.460 was radically changed. He was not an apostle when he 0:06:23.460 --> 0:06:27.140 had an encounter with God. And God can bring things 0:06:27.140 --> 0:06:30.500 in situations into people's lives today that can wake them 0:06:30.500 --> 0:06:33.539 up just as fast and just as meaningfully. 0:06:34.540 --> 0:06:38.020 The other part of our question is that he doesn't 0:06:38.060 --> 0:06:41.660 exercise anymore. So this one is you mentioned that first, 0:06:41.660 --> 0:06:44.620 and it's not as big an issue probably. But you know, 0:06:44.660 --> 0:06:47.100 he used we used to ride bikes together. He doesn't 0:06:47.100 --> 0:06:51.020 walk the dog now. Uh, and you've said through the 0:06:51.130 --> 0:06:54.530 years you can influence your spouse, but you can't control 0:06:54.529 --> 0:06:56.210 them and what they do, right? 0:06:56.730 --> 0:07:00.090 Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And you know what's behind that behavior? 0:07:00.650 --> 0:07:04.450 I don't know. Does he have physical problems? You know, 0:07:05.010 --> 0:07:08.849 how old is he? What is his physical condition? Do 0:07:08.850 --> 0:07:11.370 any of those things play into the fact that he 0:07:11.490 --> 0:07:15.490 doesn't even want to walk the dog or take a 0:07:15.490 --> 0:07:20.130 walk himself? And if so, she's concerned about his physical well-being. 0:07:20.130 --> 0:07:24.130 Because if we're not active up to the limit that 0:07:24.130 --> 0:07:27.330 we can be active, then we're going to deteriorate. The 0:07:27.610 --> 0:07:32.370 body will deteriorate. So I understand her concern there. She 0:07:32.370 --> 0:07:34.730 might invite him to walk with her if she. If 0:07:34.730 --> 0:07:36.810 she'll take a walk and say, honey, would you like 0:07:36.810 --> 0:07:39.490 to walk with me? He'll probably say no. But if 0:07:39.530 --> 0:07:41.890 you do it on a regular basis, he may decide 0:07:41.890 --> 0:07:44.490 to join you. And I don't know if there are 0:07:44.490 --> 0:07:48.410 men in his life that might connect with him and 0:07:48.410 --> 0:07:52.720 invite him into some men's activities at a church if 0:07:52.720 --> 0:07:56.080 you're involved in a church. Because there are lots of 0:07:56.120 --> 0:07:58.920 things going on for men in most of our churches. 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:01.600 And some of them are even physical because some churches 0:08:01.600 --> 0:08:04.880 have gymnasiums. And they invite men to come and do 0:08:04.920 --> 0:08:08.080 workouts and so forth. So all we can do is 0:08:08.480 --> 0:08:13.680 expose him to opportunities. But again, as you said, Chris, 0:08:13.920 --> 0:08:17.440 we can't make our husbands or wives do anything, but 0:08:17.440 --> 0:08:20.960 we can have a positive influence. And that influence is 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:24.600 not nagging them. It's not nagging them, but it is 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:29.160 trying to have meaningful conversations with them and ask what 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:31.360 you might do, or what someone else might do to 0:08:31.400 --> 0:08:34.600 help them in a particular area that we'd like to 0:08:34.600 --> 0:08:35.599 see improvement. 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:39.360 Well, we love your questions about love languages, and if 0:08:39.360 --> 0:08:42.000 you want to call that listener line and give us yours, 0:08:42.040 --> 0:08:47.400 we'd love to hear from you today. 866424. Gary, here 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:51.150 is a love language question that is a little bit complicated. 0:08:51.870 --> 0:08:56.949 Hi Gary, I'm calling with some concerns. I started doing 0:08:56.950 --> 0:09:01.790 your five love languages, and I'm getting really stumped because 0:09:02.070 --> 0:09:08.110 my husband is an alcoholic and I'm struggling with trying 0:09:08.110 --> 0:09:12.670 to answer the questions faithfully and truthfully. So I was 0:09:12.670 --> 0:09:15.790 just wanting if you had some kind of ideas or 0:09:15.790 --> 0:09:20.630 tips that might help me, that would be amazing. Thanks. Bye. 0:09:22.070 --> 0:09:24.829 Okay, what I understand the caller to say is that 0:09:24.830 --> 0:09:28.830 she's taken the free quiz at Five Love Languages, but 0:09:28.830 --> 0:09:33.110 she's having trouble even answering the questions, choosing between 2 0:09:33.110 --> 0:09:35.870 or 3 things. Let me just throw this out. If 0:09:35.870 --> 0:09:39.470 you're trying to discover your own love language or someone 0:09:39.470 --> 0:09:42.950 else's love language, there are three informal ways in which 0:09:42.950 --> 0:09:47.540 this can be done. One is ask yourself, how do I. 0:09:47.580 --> 0:09:49.500 If you want to know your love language, how do 0:09:49.500 --> 0:09:53.939 I typically express love to other people? Am I a 0:09:53.980 --> 0:09:57.660 gift giver? Am I giving encouraging words, or am I 0:09:57.700 --> 0:10:01.219 having long conversations with people? How do I most normally 0:10:01.260 --> 0:10:05.060 express love to other people? That's a clue to what 0:10:05.059 --> 0:10:07.380 your primary love language is. That is what you want 0:10:07.380 --> 0:10:09.740 to receive. And you can ask the same thing about 0:10:09.740 --> 0:10:12.620 the other person your husband. For example. How does he 0:10:12.620 --> 0:10:16.420 typically express love to you or anybody else? It may 0:10:16.420 --> 0:10:20.420 not be your primary language, but he's he's doing something, perhaps. 0:10:20.780 --> 0:10:24.420 And then the second is what do you complain about 0:10:24.420 --> 0:10:28.340 most often? Or what does he complain about most often? 0:10:28.700 --> 0:10:32.420 Complaint reveals the love language. You know, if you're saying 0:10:32.460 --> 0:10:34.459 to him, I just feel like we don't ever spend 0:10:34.460 --> 0:10:39.060 time together anymore, you're revealing to yourself and to him 0:10:39.059 --> 0:10:42.700 that your primary language is quality time. We don't ever 0:10:42.700 --> 0:10:46.530 have any time together. Or if you say, you know what? 0:10:46.890 --> 0:10:50.329 What really bothers me most is that he won't do 0:10:50.330 --> 0:10:53.810 anything with me. He won't do any activities with me. Again, 0:10:53.850 --> 0:10:56.850 you're asking for quality time, him doing something with you 0:10:56.850 --> 0:11:00.410 that's meaningful. So. And what does he complain about? Most often, 0:11:00.410 --> 0:11:04.490 if indeed he complains. And then thirdly, what do you 0:11:04.929 --> 0:11:10.209 request of him? Most often, if you're asking him to 0:11:10.210 --> 0:11:13.210 help you do something around the house or do something 0:11:13.210 --> 0:11:16.770 for you around the house, then acts of service may 0:11:16.770 --> 0:11:20.490 be your primary language. If he. What request does he 0:11:20.490 --> 0:11:24.650 make of you? So whatever request he's making of you 0:11:24.650 --> 0:11:27.490 is a clue to what his primary love language is. 0:11:27.850 --> 0:11:31.730 So you answer those three questions for yourself. You can 0:11:31.730 --> 0:11:34.730 pretty well figure out what your primary love language is. 0:11:34.970 --> 0:11:37.809 And if you ask those same three questions of the 0:11:37.809 --> 0:11:40.929 person that you are loving your spouse or someone else 0:11:40.970 --> 0:11:43.690 that you have a close relationship with, you can pretty 0:11:43.690 --> 0:11:46.450 well determine what their primary love language is. 0:11:47.170 --> 0:11:52.290 How does the issue of alcohol cloud things or complicate 0:11:52.330 --> 0:11:52.930 it more? 0:11:53.809 --> 0:11:58.450 Well, alcohol always clouds all of life. It affects all 0:11:58.450 --> 0:12:01.930 of life. I don't know in a particular situation like 0:12:01.929 --> 0:12:05.770 this in terms of love language or determining a love language, 0:12:06.330 --> 0:12:10.530 how it might affect that. It depends obviously, on, you know, 0:12:10.570 --> 0:12:13.650 how often is he under the influence of alcohol and 0:12:13.970 --> 0:12:18.450 how does it affect his behavior? Because, uh, let's face it, 0:12:18.650 --> 0:12:21.650 a person who's addicted to alcohol is going to have 0:12:21.650 --> 0:12:25.290 a lot of problems in relationships, as well as problems 0:12:25.290 --> 0:12:29.490 at work and other other things. So it's detrimental to 0:12:29.530 --> 0:12:32.489 any relationship. So that's why the Bible is so clear. 0:12:32.730 --> 0:12:36.690 Don't get drunk. You know, it's just simple. That's simple 0:12:36.690 --> 0:12:40.890 from the Bible. Don't get drunk. No one's life or 0:12:40.890 --> 0:12:45.320 marriage was ever helped by somebody getting drunk. And when 0:12:45.320 --> 0:12:48.480 people are addicted to it, it's a lifestyle. It's a 0:12:48.480 --> 0:12:52.280 lifestyle that destroys. We need to do everything we can 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:55.559 for a person who is an alcoholic, to try to 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:57.760 find help and try to get them to the place 0:12:57.760 --> 0:13:01.240 where they're willing to go for help so they can break, really, 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:03.600 the bondage of that addiction. 0:13:04.520 --> 0:13:08.160 Well, I mentioned our phone number 866424 Gary just a 0:13:08.160 --> 0:13:10.840 minute ago. And if you have a concern about your 0:13:10.840 --> 0:13:13.720 marriage or a parenting struggle, maybe you're in a dating 0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:16.400 relationship and you have a question or comment, we'd love 0:13:16.400 --> 0:13:21.679 to hear from you. 866424 Gary. But on a previous 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:25.280 broadcast I mentioned, I said something like, if you have 0:13:25.280 --> 0:13:29.320 a positive story about your marriage, call us. And here 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:32.480 is our first bit of good news right now. 0:13:33.840 --> 0:13:37.599 Hey Gary, I wanted to make this comment on the program, 0:13:37.600 --> 0:13:43.230 that program topic of what has made one's marriage go 0:13:43.270 --> 0:13:47.620 a little better, a little smoother. Oh, I guess 4 0:13:47.620 --> 0:13:51.150 or 5, six years ago, my wife and I implemented 0:13:51.630 --> 0:13:57.390 a standing date night into our routine. And what that 0:13:57.550 --> 0:14:03.070 looks like is one day a week, every Wednesday, we 0:14:03.550 --> 0:14:08.429 shut everything down and we, uh, go on a date. 0:14:08.950 --> 0:14:12.590 As I said, a standing date. And, uh, my wife 0:14:12.590 --> 0:14:16.150 has grown to really look forward to that. I look 0:14:16.150 --> 0:14:21.110 forward to that. And, uh, we don't let anything get 0:14:21.110 --> 0:14:26.510 in the way of that. Prior to establishing that date night, 0:14:26.830 --> 0:14:31.630 you know, things weren't as smooth as they could be. And, uh, 0:14:32.830 --> 0:14:37.310 and there were times where we just didn't see eye 0:14:37.350 --> 0:14:40.860 to eye and, uh, we let any little things, pop 0:14:40.900 --> 0:14:44.580 up and cause us to have a little argument here 0:14:44.900 --> 0:14:49.180 or argument there. So it reminds me of the love 0:14:49.180 --> 0:14:54.020 language of spending time. Uh, that is definitely my wife's 0:14:54.060 --> 0:14:59.500 love language. Spending time. And she really enjoys that. Cherish that. 0:15:00.500 --> 0:15:01.100 Thank you. 0:15:02.580 --> 0:15:04.660 Well, Chris, as I heard that question, it sounds to 0:15:04.660 --> 0:15:07.260 me like I heard waves. I don't know if he 0:15:07.260 --> 0:15:09.820 was on the beach when he asked that question. Did 0:15:09.820 --> 0:15:10.620 you hear that? 0:15:11.100 --> 0:15:14.580 I yeah, it was it sounded like, uh, road noise 0:15:14.620 --> 0:15:17.340 to me, but it can, you know, it can be 0:15:17.340 --> 0:15:19.860 just like holding a seashell up to your ear. You 0:15:19.860 --> 0:15:21.060 can hear that as well. 0:15:22.060 --> 0:15:23.860 That's what I heard. I said he must be walking 0:15:23.860 --> 0:15:27.580 on the beach. We saw. Well, at any rate, I'm 0:15:27.580 --> 0:15:31.460 really glad that he called, because he's sharing a practical 0:15:31.460 --> 0:15:35.620 idea that enriched his marriage. And for if quality time 0:15:35.620 --> 0:15:39.890 is their language especially, that would be powerful. It would 0:15:39.890 --> 0:15:43.010 be very interesting to know some of the things that 0:15:43.010 --> 0:15:46.489 they do on their date night. Might give other people ideas. 0:15:47.050 --> 0:15:49.250 For some people, a date night is simply going out 0:15:49.250 --> 0:15:53.530 for dinner. Uh, well, that's that's fine. But maybe there's 0:15:53.530 --> 0:15:56.210 other things that he, he and she have done that 0:15:56.210 --> 0:15:59.650 would be helpful to know. But I do think setting 0:15:59.650 --> 0:16:03.970 a time in which the two of you do something 0:16:04.010 --> 0:16:07.450 together on a regular basis, whether you call it a 0:16:07.450 --> 0:16:09.810 date night or it doesn't even have to be night, 0:16:09.850 --> 0:16:11.370 it can be a date in the middle of the day, 0:16:11.370 --> 0:16:15.290 depending on your schedule in which you do something together 0:16:15.730 --> 0:16:18.970 that both of you want to do. A way of 0:16:18.970 --> 0:16:22.410 spending time with each other. Because we can get so 0:16:22.410 --> 0:16:26.690 busy in the context of daily life, we don't ever 0:16:26.690 --> 0:16:30.370 have any quality time with each other in which we're 0:16:30.370 --> 0:16:32.530 just giving our attention to each other. We may be 0:16:32.530 --> 0:16:35.370 doing something else. We may be riding a bicycle. We 0:16:35.370 --> 0:16:39.640 may be, you know, building a habitat for humanity house together, 0:16:40.320 --> 0:16:44.400 but just doing something. I do think there's value in 0:16:44.440 --> 0:16:48.880 having variety on, on the dates that you have. But yeah, 0:16:48.880 --> 0:16:51.360 this is a great idea, and I really appreciate him 0:16:51.360 --> 0:16:54.240 sharing that. Many people have discovered what he's discovered the 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:57.440 value of a regular time together. 0:16:57.760 --> 0:17:00.600 Two things stand out to me. One, he said he 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:04.640 used the phrase we shut everything down. It's like, yeah, 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:09.360 and and in that he's saying, you are my priority. 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:14.119 Us is the priority here. And everything else shuts down 0:17:14.119 --> 0:17:17.720 because we're going to spend some time together. And so 0:17:17.760 --> 0:17:21.080 that's the one thing that I picked up. The second 0:17:21.119 --> 0:17:25.240 is it sounds like he gets as much out of 0:17:25.240 --> 0:17:29.400 this time together, uh, if not more than she does, 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:32.600 even if quality time is not his love language. 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:36.350 Yes. Quality time does not have to be your primary 0:17:36.350 --> 0:17:41.070 love language for you to enjoy time together, doing things together. 0:17:41.430 --> 0:17:44.430 You know, that's why the whole thing, when you're falling 0:17:44.430 --> 0:17:46.990 in love, what do we do? We date. We call 0:17:46.990 --> 0:17:50.030 it date. We get together and give each other our 0:17:50.030 --> 0:17:54.710 undivided attention. Doing all kind of things together, growing together. 0:17:54.750 --> 0:17:57.629 I don't know why we stopped that when we get married, 0:17:57.950 --> 0:18:00.710 but it's something that will enhance a marriage for sure. 0:18:01.630 --> 0:18:05.389 Let's keep the positive vibes going. Listen to this next call. 0:18:05.510 --> 0:18:08.149 Who has had a big change in his life? 0:18:09.109 --> 0:18:16.149 Hi, I am from Indiana and several years ago my 0:18:16.150 --> 0:18:19.990 wife and I had a squabble over me being stupid 0:18:20.790 --> 0:18:25.149 and she asked me to leave the house, which I did. 0:18:26.109 --> 0:18:28.790 And in doing that, I realized the only friend I 0:18:28.790 --> 0:18:32.070 had was Jesus Christ. But I had not been living 0:18:32.070 --> 0:18:35.540 for Jesus Christ for several years. I got saved when 0:18:35.540 --> 0:18:39.379 I was nine, and I hit high school, military and college, 0:18:39.380 --> 0:18:43.340 and my life became worldly and that's all I had 0:18:43.340 --> 0:18:48.100 was the world. So I started reading books, Gary Smalley, 0:18:48.500 --> 0:18:52.740 Chapman and some others. But Chapman's book really got me 0:18:52.740 --> 0:18:56.700 thinking about a lot of things. One Friday afternoon, my 0:18:57.100 --> 0:18:59.260 wife wanted to talk to me, so my dad came 0:18:59.260 --> 0:19:02.260 to work. We went back to my father's house and 0:19:02.260 --> 0:19:05.540 we sat and talked and and my wife told me 0:19:05.540 --> 0:19:08.580 that unless I changed, I wasn't going to ever come back. 0:19:09.220 --> 0:19:10.980 And I said, well, how are you going to know 0:19:10.980 --> 0:19:15.820 I changed if you if I'm not around? And she said, well, 0:19:15.820 --> 0:19:19.260 that makes sense. She said, so you can come home. 0:19:19.619 --> 0:19:21.379 And if I don't see a change in two weeks, 0:19:21.380 --> 0:19:24.260 you're out again. So I went home and I did 0:19:24.260 --> 0:19:29.139 everything I could to listen and pray about what I 0:19:29.140 --> 0:19:32.580 needed to do to be the right husband. Reading books 0:19:33.970 --> 0:19:38.610 One Sunday we were going to go to church and, uh, well, 0:19:38.609 --> 0:19:41.609 we got a phone call and I answered the phone, 0:19:41.609 --> 0:19:44.890 which was a mistake. It was her father, and he 0:19:44.890 --> 0:19:46.890 wanted to know why I was there. And I told 0:19:46.890 --> 0:19:48.770 him that I live here. And he got angry. So 0:19:48.770 --> 0:19:52.410 I gave the phone to my wife, and my wife said, 0:19:52.450 --> 0:19:55.129 you know, she did something that changed my life completely. 0:19:55.130 --> 0:19:58.290 She said, I need a father and a husband more 0:19:58.290 --> 0:20:02.250 than I need a mother and dad. And that just 0:20:02.250 --> 0:20:05.330 turned my life around. My wife threw her parents under 0:20:05.330 --> 0:20:08.330 the bus for me, and I just realized that how 0:20:08.330 --> 0:20:11.130 could I not live for her if she's living for me? 0:20:11.170 --> 0:20:15.369 And so I changed. And this week we celebrate 59 years. 0:20:15.850 --> 0:20:18.649 God has been number one in our lives. We found 0:20:18.650 --> 0:20:20.729 a good church, which we've been in for over 40 0:20:20.770 --> 0:20:24.090 something years, and it's just wonderful that your book led 0:20:24.090 --> 0:20:27.409 me back to my wife and the Lord. Thank you, Gary, 0:20:27.410 --> 0:20:29.530 for writing the book. Thank you for what you do. 0:20:29.810 --> 0:20:33.720 God bless you in the future. and talk to you later. Bye. 0:20:34.840 --> 0:20:38.000 Well, that is certainly an encouraging call. Chris, when you 0:20:38.040 --> 0:20:41.840 hear what God did in a person's life and that 0:20:41.840 --> 0:20:45.560 one of my books had a positive impact in that process, 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:47.639 he may be talking about the five love languages. I 0:20:47.640 --> 0:20:50.160 don't think he called it in particular, but obviously that's 0:20:50.160 --> 0:20:52.880 the best known book that I have written. He also 0:20:52.880 --> 0:20:55.920 mentioned Gary Smalley, who was a friend of mine, and 0:20:55.960 --> 0:20:58.840 I always enjoyed being with Gary and the books he 0:20:58.880 --> 0:21:01.679 he wrote on marriage. He's in heaven now. Many of 0:21:01.680 --> 0:21:05.399 you know that. But the caller demonstrates when you make 0:21:05.400 --> 0:21:10.120 a choice to change, you have all the help of God. 0:21:10.760 --> 0:21:14.160 We can go on our own way, do our own thing, 0:21:14.200 --> 0:21:16.240 leave God out of our lives if that's what we 0:21:16.240 --> 0:21:19.560 choose to do. But we will never have the kind 0:21:19.560 --> 0:21:23.280 of life we really would like to have without God. 0:21:23.520 --> 0:21:27.120 Because deep in the human heart, there is a longing 0:21:27.160 --> 0:21:31.550 to have a relationship with God. So great to see 0:21:31.790 --> 0:21:34.869 God does change lives and the fact they've been together 0:21:34.869 --> 0:21:39.590 now 59 years is a testimony. The reality that not 0:21:39.590 --> 0:21:42.510 only does God change us in the moment, but God 0:21:42.510 --> 0:21:45.790 guides us and we continue to grow because the Christian 0:21:45.790 --> 0:21:49.750 life with God is always a growth experience. 0:21:50.750 --> 0:21:54.270 I love that 59 years and the question I have is, 0:21:54.510 --> 0:21:57.350 did her mom and dad ever come around? Do they 0:21:57.350 --> 0:22:01.590 ever see that he really has changed and embraced him? 0:22:01.630 --> 0:22:04.750 We we can't know that. The other thing I loved 0:22:04.750 --> 0:22:08.030 about what he said was he said the question of 0:22:08.030 --> 0:22:11.390 by saying it was me being stupid, which I think 0:22:12.150 --> 0:22:14.990 I think a lot of men can understand that. But 0:22:14.990 --> 0:22:18.310 but the but there's another aspect to this. It's like 0:22:18.670 --> 0:22:22.790 it sounds to me like, uh, the first motivation for 0:22:22.790 --> 0:22:26.630 him was my wife said, if you don't change, then 0:22:26.670 --> 0:22:28.939 you're not coming back here. And that was a wake 0:22:28.980 --> 0:22:32.140 up call for him. But it also sounds like something 0:22:32.140 --> 0:22:35.659 else happened in his heart. There was something more than 0:22:35.660 --> 0:22:37.580 I just have to toe the line and do what 0:22:37.580 --> 0:22:40.780 she wants me to do. At some point there was 0:22:40.820 --> 0:22:45.580 an interchange and almost a transformation that that happened. Do 0:22:45.580 --> 0:22:46.500 you agree with that? 0:22:47.300 --> 0:22:50.060 Yeah, that's that's my guess too, that as he read 0:22:50.820 --> 0:22:54.060 my book and other books, God worked in his heart 0:22:54.060 --> 0:22:56.179 and he turned to God because he said, you know, 0:22:56.220 --> 0:22:58.740 he'd walked his own way, just kind of rule God 0:22:58.740 --> 0:23:01.100 out of his life. But I think he let God 0:23:01.140 --> 0:23:03.940 back in his life and the books, you know, helped 0:23:03.940 --> 0:23:07.860 him with that and gave him practical ways to cooperate 0:23:07.859 --> 0:23:12.700 with God in loving your spouse and an attitude of 0:23:12.700 --> 0:23:17.020 serving each other. When we get the concept that Jesus 0:23:17.060 --> 0:23:21.060 is our model and he said about himself, the Son 0:23:21.060 --> 0:23:24.620 of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, 0:23:25.220 --> 0:23:28.090 and then give his life a ransom for others. And 0:23:28.090 --> 0:23:31.010 when a husband and wife has that attitude of service, 0:23:31.410 --> 0:23:34.330 they're both going to become winners. You know, he's reaching 0:23:34.330 --> 0:23:36.810 out to her. She's reaching out to him. That's what 0:23:36.810 --> 0:23:40.410 marriage is all about. Two are better than one. When 0:23:40.410 --> 0:23:42.609 we work together with that attitude. 0:23:43.170 --> 0:23:47.450 Maybe there's somebody listening today and they hear themselves in 0:23:47.490 --> 0:23:51.450 that call. A husband or wife, you know, maybe being stupid. 0:23:51.490 --> 0:23:54.650 And it's like, I want that 59 years together, I 0:23:54.690 --> 0:23:58.369 want that. You're saying that there's hope for that couple, right? 0:23:59.170 --> 0:24:03.530 Absolutely, Chris. And it has to start with one of them. 0:24:03.570 --> 0:24:06.370 It normally doesn't start the same time with both of them, 0:24:06.369 --> 0:24:10.570 but someone has to decide. You know, I'm going to 0:24:10.810 --> 0:24:15.170 ask God to give me wisdom on how to reach 0:24:15.170 --> 0:24:19.210 out to my spouse in love. And ultimately, if they're 0:24:19.210 --> 0:24:22.970 not responding. Yeah. Then there is the time to say, uh, 0:24:22.970 --> 0:24:25.290 I don't know how you feel, but you appear to 0:24:25.290 --> 0:24:28.680 have no interest in our marriage. And so there is 0:24:28.680 --> 0:24:32.280 a time for tough love. But that tough love should 0:24:32.280 --> 0:24:35.760 always come after there's been a stage of tender love. 0:24:35.800 --> 0:24:38.600 Loving them even though they don't deserve it. 0:24:42.840 --> 0:24:46.920 This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:24:47.119 --> 0:24:49.800 We'd love to hear your question or feedback at our 0:24:49.800 --> 0:24:55.720 listener line 1866424. Gary is our number. Call and leave 0:24:55.720 --> 0:24:57.800 a message and you might hear an answer on an 0:24:57.800 --> 0:25:05.800 upcoming Dear Gary broadcast. Again 1-866-424-4279. If you go to 0:25:05.840 --> 0:25:09.440 five love Languages comm, you'll see our featured resource, the 0:25:09.440 --> 0:25:13.359 five Love Languages of Children Workbook bundle. Again, go to 0:25:13.400 --> 0:25:15.520 five Love languages. Comm. 0:25:17.400 --> 0:25:22.399 Gary. Here is a basic, fundamental bedrock question from a 0:25:22.400 --> 0:25:25.470 listener that I think is going to help somebody else 0:25:25.470 --> 0:25:26.909 who's listening. Here we go. 0:25:27.990 --> 0:25:32.030 Hi, Gary. I was calling to find out how I 0:25:32.070 --> 0:25:38.470 go about locating therapists or counselor in my area that 0:25:38.470 --> 0:25:44.270 deals with my personal needs. That would be great. Thank you. 0:25:45.230 --> 0:25:48.350 Well, you know, that's a common question that people ask 0:25:48.350 --> 0:25:52.430 if they are not aware of, you know, counselors in 0:25:52.470 --> 0:25:56.790 their area. There are several approaches. One would be to 0:25:56.830 --> 0:26:01.670 call some of the churches in your area and ask them, 0:26:01.710 --> 0:26:05.910 you know, do they know of Christian counselors in your area? 0:26:05.950 --> 0:26:09.710 Because many times the pastor and staff members of churches 0:26:10.270 --> 0:26:12.909 know who the Christian counselors are, and they would be 0:26:12.910 --> 0:26:16.590 glad to refer you to one of them. Locally, that's 0:26:16.590 --> 0:26:19.790 probably the best thing you could do is call a 0:26:19.790 --> 0:26:24.740 church and ask that question. You can also call focus 0:26:24.740 --> 0:26:28.780 on the family in Colorado Springs. You can locate them online. 0:26:28.900 --> 0:26:34.340 Just Google focus on the family. They have counselors, some 0:26:34.380 --> 0:26:39.500 20 counselors who are available in the daylight hours basically 0:26:40.020 --> 0:26:42.460 to talk with you. And they will not do long 0:26:42.500 --> 0:26:47.380 term counseling, but they will recommend to you counselors in 0:26:47.380 --> 0:26:50.460 your area because they have a list of counselors all 0:26:50.460 --> 0:26:54.940 over the country, Christian counselors. And you share your basic problem, 0:26:54.940 --> 0:26:57.820 the one you're struggling with, and they will give you 0:26:57.820 --> 0:26:59.900 a list of some folks in your area that you 0:26:59.900 --> 0:27:04.419 can call. There is another organization called American Association of 0:27:04.420 --> 0:27:10.899 Christian Counselors. I think the website is AA dot. I 0:27:10.900 --> 0:27:13.780 could be wrong about that. Don't quote me on that one. 0:27:13.940 --> 0:27:17.420 But American Association of Christian Counselors, you can Google it. 0:27:17.700 --> 0:27:20.780 They also have a list of counselors all over the country. 0:27:21.300 --> 0:27:23.930 So you give them your zip code, and they will 0:27:23.930 --> 0:27:27.010 give you a list of counselors that you can contact 0:27:27.010 --> 0:27:29.770 in your area, and then call them and see if 0:27:29.770 --> 0:27:32.410 they work with folks who are having the problem that 0:27:32.410 --> 0:27:33.050 you're having. 0:27:33.410 --> 0:27:36.649 Yes. He had a guest not long ago who said 0:27:36.970 --> 0:27:40.770 that she and her husband were going through a financial struggle, 0:27:40.770 --> 0:27:44.450 and they met with the same counselor one on Monday 0:27:44.490 --> 0:27:46.609 and the other on Wednesday, and then they got together 0:27:46.609 --> 0:27:49.090 on Friday. So it was three times a week. And 0:27:49.090 --> 0:27:52.929 she said they used a sliding scale of, you know, 0:27:52.970 --> 0:27:56.210 whatever their income was. So they were helping them out 0:27:56.210 --> 0:27:59.570 in order to, to help with this marriage struggle, that 0:27:59.570 --> 0:28:02.369 they were a deep marriage struggle that they were going through. 0:28:02.570 --> 0:28:06.050 And so there are those counselors. There's also in churches, 0:28:06.410 --> 0:28:10.410 counseling that is offered free. A lot of times those 0:28:10.410 --> 0:28:13.689 are the the bigger churches can can offer that, whereas 0:28:13.690 --> 0:28:16.810 the smaller church can't. So I think what you're saying 0:28:16.810 --> 0:28:20.920 is there's a lot of different avenues. Don't give up, right? 0:28:21.400 --> 0:28:25.840 Absolutely. Absolutely, Chris. And what you just mentioned is important 0:28:25.880 --> 0:28:30.000 that many, many of the larger Christian churches do have 0:28:30.520 --> 0:28:34.920 pastors or people on their staff or even sometimes volunteers 0:28:35.440 --> 0:28:39.080 who are counselors or who are coaches, sometimes called coaches, 0:28:39.520 --> 0:28:42.000 that that can be very helpful to people who are 0:28:42.000 --> 0:28:42.960 looking for help. 0:28:43.600 --> 0:28:45.960 Well, if you have a question for Doctor Chapman like 0:28:45.960 --> 0:28:49.760 that 1866424 Gary, we'd love to hear from you if 0:28:49.760 --> 0:28:53.160 you have positive response, if you've had, uh, you've been 0:28:53.160 --> 0:28:55.800 reading Gary's book and there's something that has happened in 0:28:55.800 --> 0:29:02.760 your relationship, let us know about it. (866) 424-4279. Here's a 0:29:02.760 --> 0:29:06.080 response to a previous broadcast and the topic we dealt 0:29:06.080 --> 0:29:07.760 with hit home with her. 0:29:09.040 --> 0:29:12.360 Hello. Um, I just want to say I heard your 0:29:12.400 --> 0:29:16.640 program on addiction. Sexual addiction. I worked in the hospital 0:29:16.640 --> 0:29:20.910 for 25 years, and this is a big problem in 0:29:20.910 --> 0:29:26.030 our culture. And the thing is, we are ignoring it 0:29:26.150 --> 0:29:31.030 because they get hooked on it through the culture, accepting it. 0:29:31.390 --> 0:29:34.110 They get hooked on it through the internet. They get 0:29:34.150 --> 0:29:39.590 hooked on it through the movies. It's saturated in our culture. 0:29:40.070 --> 0:29:43.670 The church has been silent because it's embarrassing to have 0:29:43.670 --> 0:29:46.910 to deal with it. And I've been thinking about it 0:29:46.910 --> 0:29:48.790 for a long time, because I've been out here in 0:29:48.790 --> 0:29:53.950 the single world for years, never remarried because of the 0:29:53.950 --> 0:29:59.070 problems with sexual freedom. I just thought it wasn't right 0:29:59.070 --> 0:30:03.670 that people are accepting it so freely and living together 0:30:03.710 --> 0:30:07.910 is nothing. They don't make the real commitment. Sometimes they do, 0:30:07.950 --> 0:30:13.350 sometimes they don't. And it's in our culture. It's saturated 0:30:13.350 --> 0:30:17.820 in our culture that it is accepted. It, and then 0:30:17.860 --> 0:30:22.260 it just escalates to an addiction. And lots of people 0:30:22.540 --> 0:30:25.260 can get on the internet and find anything they want 0:30:25.300 --> 0:30:29.620 dating everything. And so there's a town near me that 0:30:29.620 --> 0:30:35.460 has 300,000 retirees, and they have many, many problems there 0:30:35.500 --> 0:30:43.500 with sexual diseases running through the place. And not only that, 0:30:43.900 --> 0:30:46.420 I just thought, well, what do we do? What do 0:30:46.420 --> 0:30:50.300 we do as Christians, as a culture that we're in? 0:30:50.780 --> 0:30:55.460 And I do believe that AA is a great program, 0:30:55.860 --> 0:30:58.740 and I wish they had Christ in the program more 0:30:58.940 --> 0:31:04.700 so the higher power. But maybe we need on AA 0:31:04.740 --> 0:31:07.220 for addictions. I'm sure there is one. I don't even 0:31:07.220 --> 0:31:12.180 know about it. Just as a Christian and a believer. Yes, 0:31:12.620 --> 0:31:16.130 it is a very embarrassing problem. And thank God that 0:31:16.130 --> 0:31:20.690 this woman called in and told you in the world 0:31:20.890 --> 0:31:24.490 personally put herself out there to let you know how 0:31:24.490 --> 0:31:28.010 bad it is. And I just want to thank you. 0:31:28.010 --> 0:31:32.970 I'm not criticizing believers or the church. I'm just saying 0:31:33.330 --> 0:31:37.490 it's an issue, a big one. Okay. Thank you so much. 0:31:37.490 --> 0:31:40.610 I hope that you keep the program going. I like 0:31:40.650 --> 0:31:43.610 the fact that you honestly want to know what people 0:31:43.610 --> 0:31:47.970 are thinking. I think it's really good to know what's 0:31:47.970 --> 0:31:51.410 going on out here. And I wouldn't have known it 0:31:51.410 --> 0:31:55.290 unless I had been thrown into a single world years ago. 0:31:56.050 --> 0:31:57.930 Thank you. Have a wonderful day. 0:31:59.010 --> 0:32:02.130 Well, Chris, this caller is putting her finger upon a 0:32:02.130 --> 0:32:06.850 reality in our culture. And she's right. We often don't 0:32:06.850 --> 0:32:12.690 discuss this, but the reality is that Christian guidelines for 0:32:12.690 --> 0:32:18.000 sexuality T are largely ignored by millions of people in 0:32:18.000 --> 0:32:23.280 this country. I mean, the Bible is very clear. Husbands 0:32:23.280 --> 0:32:27.760 and wives, men and women are committed to each other 0:32:27.760 --> 0:32:31.280 in the context of marriage. This is where sexual intercourse 0:32:31.320 --> 0:32:36.960 is very, very meaningful. Outside of that framework, it is 0:32:36.960 --> 0:32:40.160 not what God had in mind. What has happened is 0:32:40.160 --> 0:32:44.880 many people, she's right, are addicted. This is their God. 0:32:45.360 --> 0:32:49.160 This is where they find those pleasures along the way 0:32:49.360 --> 0:32:52.719 that give them meaning to life. It's the only meaning 0:32:52.720 --> 0:32:57.600 they have because they have no relationship with God. So yeah, 0:32:57.600 --> 0:33:00.920 it certainly needs to be addressed more than it is addressed. 0:33:01.280 --> 0:33:05.440 And she's right. While there are AA Alcoholics Anonymous, which 0:33:05.440 --> 0:33:09.920 she talked about, those addicted to alcohol, and there are other, uh, 0:33:09.920 --> 0:33:14.750 organizations that deal with addiction to alcohol and drugs. You 0:33:14.750 --> 0:33:18.310 don't see, and it's not well known in the country 0:33:18.310 --> 0:33:22.910 that there's any organization like that for sexual addiction. So 0:33:22.910 --> 0:33:27.310 it's a tremendous need. And any counselors out there who 0:33:27.310 --> 0:33:29.670 might be listening to us, this is an area that 0:33:29.990 --> 0:33:34.590 you might want to seek to discuss this with other leaders, 0:33:34.590 --> 0:33:38.030 pastors and leaders in the church as to what can 0:33:38.030 --> 0:33:40.550 be done or what maybe is available that we're not 0:33:40.550 --> 0:33:43.710 even aware of. That would be helpful. It's an issue 0:33:43.710 --> 0:33:46.750 that has to be dealt with. Otherwise, we continue down 0:33:46.750 --> 0:33:52.110 this pathway of lives literally being destroyed because they've written 0:33:52.110 --> 0:33:54.630 God out of the equation of their lives and are 0:33:54.630 --> 0:33:57.390 doing simply what brings them momentary pleasure. 0:33:57.750 --> 0:33:59.630 You know, it was interesting to me that she brought 0:33:59.630 --> 0:34:03.190 up this place that's near her with a lot of 0:34:03.190 --> 0:34:06.790 people there who are older, who are caught in this 0:34:06.790 --> 0:34:09.510 same thing. So this is not just the younger generation 0:34:09.510 --> 0:34:12.379 and they're not this is everybody, isn't it? 0:34:12.860 --> 0:34:18.420 It is, Chris, because we have largely ignored the traditional 0:34:18.460 --> 0:34:24.460 biblical teaching on sexuality, and we have allowed any kind 0:34:24.460 --> 0:34:28.740 of sexual relationship as being legitimate. And when we do that, 0:34:28.739 --> 0:34:31.020 we just open the door for people to be addicted 0:34:31.020 --> 0:34:33.739 to it. Because let's face it, the Bible says there 0:34:33.739 --> 0:34:37.379 is pleasure in sin for a season. So we're not 0:34:37.380 --> 0:34:40.299 denying that there's pleasure in this. But what we are 0:34:40.300 --> 0:34:44.460 saying is it does not lead to ultimate satisfaction because 0:34:44.460 --> 0:34:48.660 it is a rebellion against God's principles and God's guideline 0:34:48.660 --> 0:34:51.940 and everything God laid down for us. He laid it 0:34:51.940 --> 0:34:56.300 down out of his love. He knows us. He made us, 0:34:56.620 --> 0:35:00.419 and he knows sexuality and everything else about us. And 0:35:00.420 --> 0:35:03.420 he gave us guidelines to follow. And when it has 0:35:03.420 --> 0:35:07.339 its proper place, it's beautiful. But when we make it 0:35:07.340 --> 0:35:10.219 a god, it is a false god. 0:35:11.500 --> 0:35:15.020 Gary. Here is a marital love language question that you 0:35:15.020 --> 0:35:17.299 may have heard before. See if you can give some 0:35:17.300 --> 0:35:17.940 help here. 0:35:19.340 --> 0:35:24.060 Hi, Gary. I have a few questions about me and 0:35:24.060 --> 0:35:26.980 my husband's relationship. First of all, I just wanted to 0:35:26.980 --> 0:35:29.740 say thank you for the work that you have done. 0:35:29.739 --> 0:35:31.980 It's been such a blessing. I've read the five love 0:35:31.980 --> 0:35:35.259 languages and have been really trying to apply it to 0:35:35.300 --> 0:35:39.020 my marriage, but I'm having trouble figuring out what my 0:35:39.020 --> 0:35:43.739 husband's love language is. He takes the test and he 0:35:43.739 --> 0:35:46.620 seems to get a different result each time he takes 0:35:46.620 --> 0:35:51.260 the quiz. And I'm not sure how to really show 0:35:51.260 --> 0:35:54.180 him love when I don't know what his love language is, 0:35:54.219 --> 0:35:58.180 or in the way that he connects to the most. 0:35:58.300 --> 0:36:01.780 So if there's any advice or direction you could offer, 0:36:01.820 --> 0:36:04.260 I'd be really grateful. Thank you. 0:36:05.060 --> 0:36:08.300 Well, Chris, earlier in a question, I gave those three 0:36:08.450 --> 0:36:14.209 informal ways to discover a person's love language. Namely, how 0:36:14.210 --> 0:36:17.330 does he most typically express love to you or to 0:36:17.370 --> 0:36:21.730 other people? And then what does he complain about most often? 0:36:22.090 --> 0:36:26.010 And what does he request most often? Uh, if you 0:36:26.050 --> 0:36:29.569 utilize those three things, you can probably figure out his 0:36:29.570 --> 0:36:33.210 love language. But I'll give you another practical idea. What 0:36:33.210 --> 0:36:36.930 if you say to him every 2 or 3 weeks, uh, 0:36:36.930 --> 0:36:41.529 on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is 0:36:41.530 --> 0:36:45.489 your love tank? Or how much love do you feel 0:36:45.489 --> 0:36:49.690 coming from me? And whatever figure he gives you? Less 0:36:49.690 --> 0:36:54.130 than ten, you say? Well, this week, what is the 0:36:54.130 --> 0:36:56.529 most powerful thing I could do to show you that 0:36:56.530 --> 0:37:00.370 I love you? And chances are, he will tell you 0:37:00.410 --> 0:37:04.250 specifically what on that particular week would be most meaningful 0:37:04.250 --> 0:37:08.840 to him. And these answers may not always fall into 0:37:08.840 --> 0:37:13.120 one of the languages, because there are people who who 0:37:13.120 --> 0:37:17.280 really all five of them speak deeply to them. And 0:37:17.280 --> 0:37:21.320 normally these fall into two categories. It's either a person 0:37:21.320 --> 0:37:25.640 who received all five growing up and they've always felt loved. 0:37:26.120 --> 0:37:28.319 And so if their spouse is giving them all five 0:37:28.360 --> 0:37:30.600 a mixture of all five, they're going to feel loved. 0:37:31.040 --> 0:37:35.200 The other is people who never felt loved growing up, 0:37:35.880 --> 0:37:38.200 and they're not really sure what makes them feel love 0:37:38.200 --> 0:37:40.239 because they're not even sure what it feels like to 0:37:40.280 --> 0:37:44.080 feel loved. The question I gave you on a scale 0:37:44.080 --> 0:37:47.640 of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank 0:37:48.200 --> 0:37:51.920 is a good way of identifying at that moment in 0:37:51.960 --> 0:37:55.240 that particular week, what would be most important to them? 0:37:56.200 --> 0:37:58.439 I've heard you say two, and maybe this is more 0:37:58.440 --> 0:38:02.759 with children than a spouse, but one week go with 0:38:02.760 --> 0:38:06.310 physical touch, the next week you go with quality time 0:38:06.510 --> 0:38:11.030 and you observe how they respond to this week after 0:38:11.030 --> 0:38:12.110 week after week. 0:38:12.510 --> 0:38:16.870 Yeah, yeah, that is another approach because you overdo it 0:38:16.870 --> 0:38:18.910 on each one of them. And that week you're really 0:38:18.910 --> 0:38:21.630 focusing on that one. And you will notice a difference 0:38:21.630 --> 0:38:24.549 in them in the week when you're really hitting their 0:38:24.550 --> 0:38:27.590 primary love language. Yeah. Thanks for reminding me of that, Chris. 0:38:28.230 --> 0:38:32.149 1866424 Gary is our number. We'd love to hear your 0:38:32.150 --> 0:38:36.590 question or your comment about a relationship that has revived. 0:38:36.790 --> 0:38:43.750 1-866-424-4279 Gary A few minutes ago we heard about sexual 0:38:43.750 --> 0:38:47.149 addiction and what it's doing in the culture. Here's a 0:38:47.190 --> 0:38:49.310 real life struggle from a listener. 0:38:50.190 --> 0:38:53.589 Hi Gary. First, thank you so much for your work 0:38:53.590 --> 0:38:57.710 over the years. My question is, if your husband is 0:38:57.710 --> 0:39:03.230 addicted to pornography, will the love languages still be effective? 0:39:04.070 --> 0:39:04.820 Thank you. 0:39:05.980 --> 0:39:09.780 I think it depends on what the caller means by effective. 0:39:10.739 --> 0:39:15.620 If a person is addicted to porn, will knowing their 0:39:15.620 --> 0:39:19.660 primary love language and speaking on a regular basis cause 0:39:19.660 --> 0:39:24.140 them to turn away from the addiction of porn? I 0:39:24.140 --> 0:39:27.339 don't know that that would be true. Just like if 0:39:27.340 --> 0:39:30.859 they're addicted to alcohol, I don't know that speaking their 0:39:30.860 --> 0:39:35.420 primary love language on a regular basis will cause them 0:39:35.420 --> 0:39:40.380 to lay aside or turn away from alcohol, because this 0:39:40.380 --> 0:39:44.460 is both of those are addictions, and there has to 0:39:44.500 --> 0:39:48.980 be a process of helping that person understand, first of all, 0:39:48.980 --> 0:39:52.140 why they need to break the addiction. Because if they're 0:39:52.140 --> 0:39:54.980 not motivated themselves to do it, it will not happen. 0:39:55.380 --> 0:39:59.219 I do think, however, persons addicted to porn, as the 0:39:59.219 --> 0:40:03.689 caller indicated, if you speak their primary love language on 0:40:03.690 --> 0:40:08.089 a regular basis over an extended period of time, and 0:40:08.090 --> 0:40:10.930 you are aware of what they're doing and they're aware 0:40:10.930 --> 0:40:14.130 that this hurts you very deeply. There is a place, 0:40:14.130 --> 0:40:16.970 I would say, six months down the road, you speak 0:40:16.969 --> 0:40:19.930 their love language for six months at least once a week, 0:40:19.930 --> 0:40:24.250 very consistently, and then one day say to them, I 0:40:24.250 --> 0:40:27.850 don't know how you feel about our relationship, but I 0:40:27.850 --> 0:40:30.530 feel like in the last six months I have loved 0:40:30.530 --> 0:40:33.649 you in what I believe is a way that's very 0:40:33.650 --> 0:40:38.450 meaningful to you. And I do love you, but you 0:40:38.489 --> 0:40:42.049 know how painful it is for me to know that 0:40:42.050 --> 0:40:45.890 you are addicted to porn. And I ask you in 0:40:45.890 --> 0:40:49.010 the past to make changes, to reach out and get help, 0:40:49.010 --> 0:40:51.890 but you have not. So I want to say to you, 0:40:51.890 --> 0:40:54.529 I love you too much to sit here and do 0:40:54.530 --> 0:40:59.970 nothing about this issue. So and here's the tough love. 0:41:00.010 --> 0:41:02.640 Then you tell them what you're going to do. I'm 0:41:02.640 --> 0:41:04.680 going to move in with my mom for a month. 0:41:05.360 --> 0:41:08.640 I'm not abandoning you. I'm not leaving you. I'm not 0:41:08.680 --> 0:41:12.439 divorcing you. But I want to challenge you to deal 0:41:12.440 --> 0:41:15.759 with this problem because it's not good for you. It's 0:41:15.760 --> 0:41:18.440 not good for me. And it doesn't bring glory to God. 0:41:19.239 --> 0:41:23.839 But the tough love approach will stimulate that spouse often 0:41:24.040 --> 0:41:25.920 to reach out and get the help they need to 0:41:25.960 --> 0:41:30.040 break that addiction. But it has to follow after. There's 0:41:30.040 --> 0:41:33.400 been a time of tender love over a period of time. 0:41:33.920 --> 0:41:37.879 Because if you simply have complained about it numerous times 0:41:37.880 --> 0:41:40.960 and then you take the tough love approach, they will 0:41:40.960 --> 0:41:43.280 say to themselves, well, I'm glad you're out of here, 0:41:43.280 --> 0:41:45.840 and I hope you don't come back because they're tired 0:41:45.840 --> 0:41:49.600 of all your criticism. So tender love over an extended 0:41:49.600 --> 0:41:53.640 period of time, followed by tough love, is often the 0:41:53.640 --> 0:41:56.480 road for them to get the help they need. 0:41:57.680 --> 0:41:59.759 You know as well as I do, though, Gary, that 0:41:59.800 --> 0:42:03.910 in the culture, pornography is just it's there, it's ubiquitous. 0:42:03.910 --> 0:42:08.670 It's everywhere. And it's it's a joke, you know, on comedies, 0:42:08.670 --> 0:42:10.950 on TV. It has been a joke for years and 0:42:10.950 --> 0:42:13.790 years and years. It's not anything bad. Why are you 0:42:13.830 --> 0:42:17.750 why are you so, you know, stuck in the in 0:42:17.790 --> 0:42:21.830 the Puritan realm, you know, all of those things. So 0:42:22.030 --> 0:42:26.910 unless the person who is addicted sees that it's a problem, it's, 0:42:27.070 --> 0:42:29.390 you know, you're swimming upstream, aren't you? 0:42:29.750 --> 0:42:33.190 Absolutely, Chris. Absolutely. That's why I say if they are 0:42:33.190 --> 0:42:39.589 not open to seek help, then we can't make them change. 0:42:40.230 --> 0:42:42.549 It's just like an alcoholic, you know, they often say 0:42:42.550 --> 0:42:45.750 I'm not an alcoholic. I mean, I'm I'm in control 0:42:45.790 --> 0:42:49.110 of what I'm doing. You know, that's we all we 0:42:49.150 --> 0:42:52.149 tend to be defensive of whatever we're doing that the 0:42:52.150 --> 0:42:55.830 other person is complaining about. And the other thing would be, 0:42:56.150 --> 0:42:59.220 I don't know what her husband's relationship with God is 0:42:59.580 --> 0:43:02.900 whether he has a relationship or doesn't have a relationship. 0:43:03.219 --> 0:43:07.939 But obviously, his relationship with God will have a lot 0:43:07.940 --> 0:43:10.819 to do with whether he's sensitive to this area or 0:43:10.820 --> 0:43:11.980 whether he's not. 0:43:13.180 --> 0:43:17.259 Would you just take a moment for the the spouse 0:43:17.260 --> 0:43:20.060 or the maybe it's a parent who sees this going 0:43:20.060 --> 0:43:23.899 on with their kids, uh, an addiction to pornography. Would 0:43:23.900 --> 0:43:27.900 you pray for that spouse or that parent who's trying 0:43:27.900 --> 0:43:30.420 to love well and is having a hard time? 0:43:30.980 --> 0:43:35.420 Sure. Father, you know what we're talking about. And you 0:43:35.420 --> 0:43:38.460 know the caller and you know those who are listening today, 0:43:39.100 --> 0:43:44.299 who have family members who are caught in this destructive 0:43:44.940 --> 0:43:49.420 expression of sexuality. I pray, first of all, that you'd 0:43:49.420 --> 0:43:52.739 give them wisdom to know what they might do that 0:43:52.739 --> 0:43:56.700 would be helpful to that spouse or that child. And 0:43:56.700 --> 0:44:01.410 I pray, father, that your spirit would continue to confront 0:44:01.410 --> 0:44:04.489 those individuals who may be listening, who are themselves the 0:44:04.489 --> 0:44:08.089 ones who are addicted to pornography. Father, I know you 0:44:08.090 --> 0:44:10.850 love them. And I know you want to deliver them 0:44:10.850 --> 0:44:14.090 from this. And I know you want them to follow 0:44:14.090 --> 0:44:18.330 your guidelines for sexuality. Because you made us and you 0:44:18.370 --> 0:44:22.810 made made us sexual. And your purposes and your guidelines 0:44:22.810 --> 0:44:25.370 are for our benefit. So I pray that you'd open 0:44:25.370 --> 0:44:28.450 the eyes of those who may be listening today, who 0:44:28.450 --> 0:44:31.850 are in bondage to this. And give them not only 0:44:31.850 --> 0:44:35.010 a desire, but then give them the power to break 0:44:35.010 --> 0:44:39.290 the bondage and come back in the real world for 0:44:39.290 --> 0:44:44.529 their good and for your glory. In the name of Christ. Amen. 0:44:44.810 --> 0:44:48.770 Amen. Well, that is our conversation for today. Thank you 0:44:48.770 --> 0:44:51.250 for listening. And if you want to add your voice 0:44:51.250 --> 0:44:55.210 to maybe respond to a caller today, ask a question, 0:44:55.210 --> 0:45:01.040 make a comment. Give us a story. 1866424. Gary is 0:45:01.040 --> 0:45:07.560 our number (866) 424-4279. And if you go to building relationships, 0:45:08.239 --> 0:45:11.440 you'll see the featured resource of the Five Love Languages 0:45:11.440 --> 0:45:16.080 of Children Workbook bundle. Just go to Building Relationships. 0:45:17.800 --> 0:45:20.560 And next week. How do you deal with the mood 0:45:20.560 --> 0:45:24.960 swings and eye rolls of pre-teenagers? 0:45:25.239 --> 0:45:29.080 Tricia Goyer and Leslie Nunnery give some great parenting advice 0:45:29.080 --> 0:45:32.280 in one week. A big thank you to our production team, 0:45:32.280 --> 0:45:36.560 Steve Wick and Janice backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary 0:45:36.560 --> 0:45:40.160 Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with 0:45:40.200 --> 0:45:44.880 Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.